Nick Rochefort!

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Nick Rochefort! You know Nick Rochefort from Stand Up Comedy, Matan Even Podcast, Scuffed Realtor, Perfect Guy Life Podcast, Million Dollar Extreme, Harland Highway Podcast, Story Warz, Legion of Skanks, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, and much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Better Help: Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/GARBAGE Ridge Wallet: Take advantage of Ridge’s Biggest Sale of the Year and GET UP TO 47% Off by going to https://www. Ridge.com/AYG Aura Frames: Exclusive $45-off Carver Mat at https://on.auraframes.com/GARBAGE. Promo Code GARBAGE Cash App: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/li0uni5h Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00H. Foley?

  Philly, Philly, Philly, the boys are coming home December 13th for our biggest show ever at the Metropolitan Theater.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, get your tickets at areyougarbage.com. Get the homies, get the bozos, get your aunt, get your uncles, we want to see you there.

• 0:11Speaker 02

  Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

• 0:30H. Foley?

  Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 0:37H. Foley?

  It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out that they're going to be classy.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:42H. Foley?

  Or just a big old piece of trash.

• 0:43Speaker 01

  Trash, trash, trash.

• 0:44H. Foley?

  I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new addition. She's gonna be guest bartending at Cheerleaders down there on Front Street in Philly, getting ready for the big December 13th show. Topless.

• 0:57Speaker 01

  Worked a work to Tootie into a plug, I respect that.

• 1:00H. Foley?

  Pasties, but topless.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Uh-huh.

• 1:02H. Foley?

  My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman, Father of the Year, and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  What up, gang? Shout out to you, thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. Now, Tooty, the boys are climbing the fucking charts over there.

• 1:23H. Foley?

  Cooking.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  And obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/areyougarbage. Go over there, you get all that bonus content.

• 1:30H. Foley?

  Yes, sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited of our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest. Here with today for the first time, he is a very funny, very successful comedian, podcaster, actor, and furniture store owner. I just found out. You might know him from Scuff Realtor, Million Dollar Extreme, World Peace on Adult Swim. He has an amazing podcast you can hear every week, Perfect Guy Life with Mr. Sam Hyde, and the owner of Shimonix House. Give it up for Nick Rocheford, everybody.

• 1:55Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. Thank you so much for having me here.

• 1:58H. Foley?

  Little bit of a flub, but I got all that out.

• 1:59Speaker 03

  You got it masterfully.

• 2:01H. Foley?

  You're the first interior decorator I've ever, I've ever had here.

• 2:04Speaker 03

  No, I think maybe, I mean, I don't know, this is a big place. We could, I could just razzle-dazzle around here, I could sprinkle some glitter around here. I'd love to get rid of some of this man cave stuff.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  He walked in, he's like, I love what you've done with the place.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm twirling around on ice skates on the carpet.

• 2:17H. Foley?

  Have you thought about fresh? Flowers.

• 2:19Speaker 03

  Nothing builds the ambiance like that.

• 2:21H. Foley?

  I want to get into that's crazy that you do that. You look like you live at a bus station.

• 2:24Speaker 03

  I do. No, I look like I sell weed with Seth Rogen. No, I get it.

• 2:29Speaker 03

  I sell mids. Stick weed.

• 2:32H. Foley?

  Mexican brick weed only?

• 2:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's it.

• 2:34H. Foley?

  I wish, I wish we'd go back to that. Sorry to cut you off.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Everybody does.

• 2:37H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  No, I don't smoke weed because I can't get that weed.

• 2:40H. Foley?

  Sure.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, that weed was okay. My mom used to have that weed. It was great.

• 2:43H. Foley?

  I like a little stem, a little seed. It's a little smoky flavor. I like to think I'm smoking a little drywall.

• 2:47Speaker 03

  Right. Hey, do you have any brown stick?

• 2:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, do you have any like really stiff plastic bag weed for thirty dollars for a big giant bag of it from a box?

• 2:55H. Foley?

  I want something the cops are gonna laugh at when they pull me over. This is where you're getting this from. I could've got you better shit than this.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  When you break it up and the seeds fall on the paper.

• 3:02H. Foley?

  Ah, I love it. Then you put, then you, then you take that, you put it in a little paper cup with a little bit of, a little bit of topsoil, a little bit of water, and you got a weed plant growing.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  Then you think you have a weed plant for three months.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  It's starting to bud, dude. Oh, it's a female.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Oh, it's nothing. Oh, I'm stupid. Yeah, I've watched so many.

• 3:21H. Foley?

  I dislike them. I think it looks cool when you grow something like that. I'm not trying to move any weight or anything.

• 3:26Speaker 03

  You couldn't if you wanted to.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  I know.

• 3:28H. Foley?

  It's all male plants, dude. Some dickhead tells you that?

• 3:31Speaker 03

  Dude, your UV lights off. You're gonna get gnats. The bugs.

• 3:35H. Foley?

  Fruit flies?

• 3:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I've had that happen to me before.

• 3:38H. Foley?

  Buddy, give us the backstory. Give us the origin story.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  Uh, well, I grew up in One Sock at Rhode Island, which is like a, it's like a French Canadian mill trash town.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  That's the first time we've ever had that, a French Canadian mill trash town?

• 3:50Speaker 03

  It's the most, it's the most French, French, uh, French Canadian spoken. It's the only town in the United States that had French on the ATMs.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  Really?

• 3:58Speaker 03

  That was a big fun.

• 3:59H. Foley?

  Get out of here.

• 3:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Where the fuck?

• 4:00H. Foley?

  You're that close to Canada?

• 4:01Speaker 03

  Uh, it was a lot.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  What's the name of it?

• 4:02Speaker 03

  It was like when they just dropped a lot of French Canadians. They were like, let's get out of here. We're going to this beautiful land where there's dye mills where you can get leukemia for your wife.

• 4:10H. Foley?

  This is from Canada they were saying this?

• 4:12Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, Quebecois, yeah.

• 4:13H. Foley?

  So they came down?

• 4:14Speaker 03

  They came down. I like to say my family came down in a wagon in nineteen ninety-one.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  That was a station wagon, but still.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was a horse-drawn wooden wagon, dear. But it's a very, it's just a mill rat, you know, like, everybody gets along. It's pretty muddy. It's pretty like, a lot of like, you know when you see like-

• 4:30H. Foley?

  Oh, you say it's pretty muddy?

• 4:32Speaker 03

  Like, um, like French mutt. You know when you see like-

• 4:34H. Foley?

  Oh, muddy.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  Like, uh, fetal alcohol syndrome face?

• 4:36H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  Your cousin Jen who gives head for biking, and like, that kinda shit. Slipknot, t-shirt, and Bruins pajamas. 9 a.m. on a Monday morning, getting the carton of USA Golds, that type of shit.

• 4:46H. Foley?

  How the fuck do you know my cousin?

• 4:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what I wanna know. She got me a good deal on a tattoo, all freehand.

• 4:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, that kinda shit.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  That's good, okay.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  It's that kinda, that kinda town.

• 4:57H. Foley?

  What did your parents do? Were they in the pelts or anything like that?

• 5:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, right, no.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  Trappers?

• 5:02Speaker 03

  They were fur trappers, deer, venison jerky makers. No, they were, my dad was a used car salesman, third gen. Second gen, I'm third gen.

• 5:09H. Foley?

  No kidding?

• 5:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, um-

• 5:11H. Foley?

  Wait, you sell used cars now too, still?

• 5:13Speaker 03

  I, I, I sell a few cars a year. I've been a car salesman my entire life.

• 5:16H. Foley?

  Are you out of your fu-

• 5:17Speaker 01

  He's like, it's like an alcoholic, you're never not a used car salesman.

• 5:20Speaker 03

  I gotta do it.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  You're always one bad, one bad month away from selling cars again.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  It'll be, give it a couple hours, you're gonna be like, you know, Nick could probably get me a deal on a Escalade.

• 5:29H. Foley?

  Escalade?

• 5:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:30H. Foley?

  So you, hold on, so your family migrated down from Quebec to this town in Rhode Island. Your dad started a car dealer, used car dealership.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  He dropped out of school in 9th grade, my father.

• 5:42H. Foley?

  Uh-huh.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  Did that, your dad, your parents came down?

• 5:44Speaker 03

  No, my grandfather came down.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  Your grandfather came down, okay.

• 5:46Speaker 03

  Then my father dropped out of school in 9th grade, quit, just like, straight up, like, I was like, really? They let you do that?

• 5:51H. Foley?

  What was your grandfather doing?

• 5:52Speaker 03

  He was a, a patent maker, for like, a die, I don't know, a valve mill.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:58H. Foley?

  What does that mean, a patent maker?

• 5:59Speaker 03

  Like, you work in an office and they steal your ideas, basically.

• 6:01H. Foley?

  Yeah, okay, he came, he came up with ideas?

• 6:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, he did, yeah.

• 6:04H. Foley?

  Anything juicy?

• 6:05Speaker 03

  Uh, I think he, he created like, a diverter valve, and they bought him a car, it was a big story, but, he was a-

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Holy shit, that was your grandfather?

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, old Norman, yeah. He was, uh, but we don't get along, you know, the family's all disjointed, everybody hates everybody, so like, get that fucking guy outta here!

• 6:18H. Foley?

  Really?

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Oh, it's like-

• 6:19H. Foley?

  All angry French Canadians.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  No one's allowed to use a sink in his household.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, cuz it's, I wouldn't even wanna go over there if he invited me.

• 6:26H. Foley?

  Really?

• 6:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, that type of shit.

• 6:27H. Foley?

  I like it. So, how many brothers and sisters did your dad have?

• 6:31Speaker 03

  He had, uh, seven or something.

• 6:33H. Foley?

  Alright, so they're, damn, that is.

• 6:34Speaker 03

  It's like one of those where you don't even know. It's like eight. I don't know, a couple of them are dead, who knows?

• 6:38H. Foley?

  You're not close with them?

• 6:39Speaker 03

  Nope. I'm not close with any of the cousins just because of where I grew up with. Um, and then my mom was a, uh, she was a bookkeeper. She's like, uh, an office lady.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Gotcha.

• 6:47Speaker 03

  Like, accounts receivable.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  Respectable job.

• 6:49Speaker 03

  Respectable, yep, yep. She keeps me on my toes. She keeps all the books in line. And my dad sold new cars. Kinda made a little bit of bread right away at like eighteen. The owner took a liking to it.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  That's really right away.

• 6:59H. Foley?

  That's right away.

• 7:00Speaker 03

  You know, selling, there's always that moment in the car business where you sell your teacher a car. That's a very common thing.

• 7:06H. Foley?

  Really?

• 7:07Speaker 03

  And you sell your, like, teacher and the teacher's like, "How much money?" And then you get to look at the credit report and like, "You make that, you piece of shit."

• 7:12Speaker 01

  I make that in a good April.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I can't even spell. I, I hold my pen like this. And, uh, yeah. I make more than.

• 7:22H. Foley?

  That's one of the new questions I wanted to ask you, to hold a pen and show me.

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, show me your handwriting. That's a, that's a good one. Show me your handwriting. That's a good tell.

• 7:28H. Foley?

  That's crazy.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  So.

• 7:30H. Foley?

  So your dad starts selling cars?

• 7:32Speaker 03

  Yep. Opens a small car lot. Everybody's like, "Oh, yeah." Small four, now that, you've seen this car dealership before. It's four cars. One garage, one man door.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:40Speaker 03

  Stickers on the windshield that say like four nine nine five or hand paint, which I can do pretty well.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Really?

• 7:45Speaker 03

  Uh, APSCA, whatever they call the, the thick paint markers with the colors.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:50Speaker 03

  You put like, you know, air conditioning, moon roof, power windows, you know, like star, you know, that shit. Price, year. Low miles.

• 7:58H. Foley?

  What about or best offer?

• 7:59Speaker 03

  No.

• 8:00H. Foley?

  No or best offer?

• 8:01Speaker 03

  We, uh, so the fun thing is, um, I, Nellows Motor Sales was the name of my dad's and it was on the side of a strip club called the K2U. And we were the first to do buy here, pay here in the state of Rhode Island.

• 8:11H. Foley?

  What do you mean?

• 8:11Speaker 03

  Buy here, pay here is like.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Every dirtbag's got a, "We were the first to do this."

• 8:15Speaker 03

  We were the first, yes, yes.

• 8:16H. Foley?

  Grandfather patented.

• 8:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. We patented ripping off people in the hood.

• 8:21H. Foley?

  That and free crab legs.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  Yeah. So you have to give like, so say the car is like three grand. You would, um.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  You're moving nice cars over there.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, you know, beautiful.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Say, if you guys could wrap your head around a car being three grand.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  A late model DeVille. You know, you know. Uh, so you, you put five hundred down, you pay thirty-five dollars a week forever.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  Really?

• 8:40Speaker 03

  It's like Rent a Center, it's like the

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Now, who holds the, so like, there's really, you hold the note?

• 8:44Speaker 03

  You could fuck us.

• 8:45H. Foley?

  So you're leasing it? Oh, you could fuck us.

• 8:46Speaker 03

  You could, you could walk away. Good news is, my fucking ape-sized shitbox cousin will come kick your fucking door down.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  Come get the car.

• 8:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, and they get the car.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:55H. Foley?

  Really?

• 8:56Speaker 03

  No rules, friends with the cops. Hey, they stiffed us, cop goes, shouldn't have stiffed them.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  Get the car back.

• 9:02H. Foley?

  So this has happened?

• 9:04Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, yeah, so the, here's the fun one.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  You better mind your fucking Ps and Qs, big guy.

• 9:07Speaker 03

  Little index card, my job when I'm nine, ten, my brother, it's me and my brother, uh, we collect the thirty-five dollars a week. Little index cards, you know, Mrs. Rajiri, Mrs. you know, Uwamet. She brings in the thirty-five, I tuck it in the index card, I tuck in the index card.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Is this cash check?

• 9:20Speaker 03

  Cash, usually.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Cash?

• 9:21Speaker 03

  Or, here's the fun part, when they don't have it. Tell you, and, and my dad had a pretty good reputation around town, he was a pretty fair guy. He wasn't like, believe it or not, they are good cops, he'd be like this. You know the rule. You have to go get something worth thirty-five dollars.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  I got a question, do you then keep that, or hold it till it's replaced with cash?

• 9:38Speaker 03

  Uh, usually, they, they would always leave it. So you would end up with?

• 9:42Speaker 01

  You got a microwave.

• 9:42Speaker 03

  Gray parakeets.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  They were expensive though.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  Champion dogs, stuff like weird stuff.

• 9:47H. Foley?

  A Nintendo gun?

• 9:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes, Snap-on tools, Oakley glasses.

• 9:51H. Foley?

  What, why?

• 9:52Speaker 03

  Cause they don't have the thirty-five.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  What do you mean why?

• 9:54H. Foley?

  This is the, the buy here, pay here?

• 9:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:58H. Foley?

  It's, they don't pay in full?

• 9:59Speaker 03

  No, no, no, they pay in chunks. It's a perfect scenario.

• 10:01H. Foley?

  Thirty-five dollars?

• 10:03Speaker 03

  Well, this is nineteen ninety-one, so.

• 10:04H. Foley?

  Oh, I'm sorry. What are you talking about? That should have been the twenties.

• 10:08Speaker 03

  Right, thirty-five, fifty, so you pay that a week, they don't have the money, they have to go get tools, so we would always have like shit, you'd always see shit.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  That's good though.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  Starter jackets.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  Did you have to then like fence it?

• 10:18Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, my, the off-brand that no one wants, like the fucking, the Giants when they blew, you know? Oh cool, I got a three XL Giants jacket, I'm, I'm eleven, you know? Wear it to school, I'll get it dry cleaned.

• 10:29H. Foley?

  Orlando Magic were the big ones of those things, remember?

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Same with Charlotte.

• 10:32H. Foley?

  And the Charlotte Hornets, yeah.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Somebody came up with a theory of why, like someone did the math as to why it was Charlotte, like every dirtbag kid had a Charlotte one. They made, there was something with the manufacturing, something just came out with that.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  Grandmama, was it, Grandmama was big, Larry Johnson and, uh, Muggsy Bogues, didn't he play?

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  NBA Jam, that was the hottest. But yeah, no, I remember literally specifically getting starter jackets that no one gave a fuck about, and that was like the most embarrassing thing, like, oh cool, I got the Dolphins when they, like post Dan Marino.

• 10:58H. Foley?

  Did you have a separate, did you have like a storeroom at the shop where you kept all this stuff?

• 11:02Speaker 03

  No, we'd kinda like take it home. I mean, it was like, you'd have like eighty cars in the street.

• 11:07H. Foley?

  Uh huh.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Like, so you'd sell-

• 11:09Speaker 01

  So you're collecting eighty weekly payments?

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, it was a good, it was a good racket. It was a, it was a really good racket.

• 11:14H. Foley?

  Would that usually be the payment, or would they say, "Here, take the blender, and I'll come back next week and I'll give you seven?"

• 11:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, he just said, "You should keep it."

• 11:21Speaker 03

  That's good, we're good this week. Next week, bring me the thirty-five, we're back to normal. It was like a checkbox. Like twenty boxes.

• 11:27H. Foley?

  That's so trashy.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  It was shit.

• 11:28H. Foley?

  Didn't your dad want the actual money?

• 11:30Speaker 03

  Of course, but there was enough going around.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Who the fuck wants a starter jacket?

• 11:33H. Foley?

  But I'm saying-

• 11:33Speaker 03

  I remember my dad would brag like loosely, he's like, "I got, I got ninety grand in the streets." So like, he, all those index cards were like, "I can shut the fucking doors right now."

• 11:42Speaker 01

  And just collect?

• 11:43Speaker 03

  And just collect. I don't have to do a thing, I don't have to sell it, buy another car, ever.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  They call that mailbox money.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  Ninety grand. Like, it was like thirty-eight million dollars.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  That's, I mean, but dude, that's good though.

• 11:53Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, it was a lot.

• 11:54H. Foley?

  Holy shit.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Um, okay. What was, what was the family car? Was the family car ever changing?

• 12:00Speaker 03

  It was ever changing. The three that stuck out was the eighty-five Lincoln Town Car Triple Black.

• 12:05H. Foley?

  Damn. What's Triple Black?

• 12:07Speaker 03

  Uh, black landau roof, black interior, black exterior. That was a good one. We're pretty proud of that one.

• 12:13H. Foley?

  I bet you could sell a couple of cars. You got the, you got the-

• 12:15Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 12:16H. Foley?

  Yeah, he's got it in him.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  I've done, um, it's an unfortunate reality, I'll get to that. But the eighty-four, which is the box, the box body. The, uh, it was right after they stopped looking like disco cars and they started-

• 12:26Speaker 01

  That, holy shit dude.

• 12:27Speaker 03

  Maybe it was eighty-seven.

• 12:29H. Foley?

  That's what Paul Castellano got shot in.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, that was, it was that one.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  That, yeah.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  That's a nice car.

• 12:36Speaker 03

  It was a good car. And then we had a eighty-four Suburban Barn Door, lifted. That was, my dad was obsessed with K-body GMCs.

• 12:44H. Foley?

  Yeah, that's-

• 12:45Speaker 03

  Which are like-

• 12:45H. Foley?

  That's an old school Suburban.

• 12:46Speaker 03

  Those were cool, yeah. The V8s, uh, we used to take those. Um, and we'd keep them, we'd paint them. We had a painter that was like a friend of my dad's. And, uh, we'd like paint them and we'd modify them and buy shit for them.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  What was your first car?

• 12:58Speaker 03

  My first car was a, a five-seven Dodge Durango.

• 13:04Speaker 03

  Which, and I went to like a nice high school.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  What year were we talking?

• 13:07Speaker 03

  Ninety-eight.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Dude, when those Durangos dropped, they were something fucking out.

• 13:11H. Foley?

  That hood, the way it was shaped.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was, and it gave, they gave you a V8, basically a rear-wheel-drive V8, tard mobile. And they were like, "Here you go, dummy."

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go wrap this around a pole.

• 13:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. Go do, go race your friends in their, in their BMWs, because, like with a mild tune, this thing's doing danger.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:29Speaker 03

  And I remember, like, I had a rich girlfriend in high school, and I remember her parents looking at my first, she had like an Accord. And they were looking at me like I walked in, they were looking at me with like my dick in my hands. They were like, "He's got a Durango." Like, what parents buy their kid a, it's like a single mom's car.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  Before it's a single mom's car.

• 13:43H. Foley?

  A Honda Accord was it, was it, was a hot, rich chick's car.

• 13:46Speaker 03

  That was like a rich piece. The green V6 was like the piece.

• 13:48H. Foley?

  Yeah, it was nice. I always say that, the Mitsubishi Eclipse.

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Mm, the hot girl car.

• 13:53H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 01

  They all had, it was the Acura RSX.

• 13:57Speaker 03

  CL, all the, uh...

• 13:58Speaker 01

  They were like the tiny little coupes, the Acura, I think they were Acura RSX. All the girls had those in our high school.

• 14:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, they were, they ran. That was a, an Acura is a, that's the best car you can buy.

• 14:09H. Foley?

  Is that true?

• 14:09Speaker 03

  I started fundamentally, I sell new Acuras, I sold a lot of Acuras. And it was like, an Acura customer has more, has enough money to buy the dealership, but you'd never know, they look like computer engineers.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:19Speaker 03

  But they're like the slow.

• 14:20H. Foley?

  Is this the pitch? Cause I wanna get one.

• 14:24Speaker 03

  I sold Luis Gomez one, he's like, "What do I get?" And I go, "Get a fucking Acura, Luis. Control your ego. Get a goddamn Acura." He's like, "I know you don't want it, I know you want a fucking Ferrari, I know you want a S-Class, get an Acura." You drive a lot of miles. He's like, "All right, all right, all right." Gets it, loves it. An Acura is like the good friend.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  I want an Escalade. I want that big new Escalade so bad.

• 14:43H. Foley?

  An Acura is a good friend.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  You hear that? A good friend. Never fuck you over. He's not gonna be the highlight of the party. No one's running over to the Acura, be like, "Wow, Kevin, the new, the new TSX."

• 14:53H. Foley?

  As long as that thirty-five dollars is here, every fucking, does Luis have to drive up to Rhode Island to give you the money?

• 14:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, he could.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  He shows, he shows up with his kids' basketball.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  This is a blue-nosed pit. These are two thousand dollars.

• 15:08Speaker 04

  These are two tickets to Skank Fest.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  Access, give them to your guy.

• 15:12H. Foley?

  Shout out to Louis, I love it. Um, what was the grocery store growing up?

• 15:16Speaker 03

  Stop and Shop.

• 15:18Speaker 04

  Very nice establishment.

• 15:19H. Foley?

  Is that true?

• 15:20Speaker 04

  Stop and Shop?

• 15:21Speaker 03

  And Shaw's. Do you guys get Shaw's a lot?

• 15:22Speaker 04

  No, I don't know what Shaw's is.

• 15:24Speaker 03

  Shaw's was closer to me, it was R. and Shaw's. Um, Stop and Shop was when you got a little bit more bread. Shaw's started to go downhill faster than Shaw's.

• 15:33Speaker 04

  Oh, is that an Asko's as well?

• 15:35Speaker 03

  They probably got bought out by.

• 15:36Speaker 04

  By Asko's.

• 15:37H. Foley?

  Ooh, we know Jul Asko's, Chicago.

• 15:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, very nice.

• 15:39H. Foley?

  So your dad did well?

• 15:42Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, it was very bipolar. It was like, you know, one year you'd make that, the next year something bad would happen.

• 15:48Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 15:48H. Foley?

  Similar tale here on Are You Guard?

• 15:50Speaker 04

  I got that, very, very bad.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  One year you got like a used four wheeler for Christmas, next year it was like, no presents this year. One time I lost like $20, my mom gave me like lunch money and I lost the 20 and she was like bawling her eyes out and I was like, we're poor again? Like, what the fuck happened? Mom's like really beside herself over this 20. She's like, are you fucking kidding me?

• 16:09H. Foley?

  And it's even sadder when she's wearing a Charlotte Hornets.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, she's in her Milwaukee Bucks starter jacket.

• 16:16H. Foley?

  Crying her eyes out.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Her Brewers starter jacket.

• 16:23H. Foley?

  Bill's Super Bowl t-shirt?

• 16:25Speaker 03

  The one they give away to the refugees.

• 16:27H. Foley?

  Gang, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. As the days start getting a little bit shorter, the nights start getting a little bit longer, as they say. Make sure you're reaching out and checking on your friends. Holidays are coming up, people tend to get depressed, people get to start overthinking around the holidays. If you're going through a situation like that, do yourself the biggest favor you can this holiday season by reaching out to BetterHelp and talking it out. You get a licensed therapist right in the privacy of your own home, whether it's something big, something small, talk it out, I promise you BetterHelp can help.

• 16:58Speaker 04

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• 17:16H. Foley?

  Do it, baby.

• 17:17Speaker 04

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• 17:39H. Foley?

  Okay, but something about Ridge Wallet.

• 17:41Speaker 04

  Ooh, the Ridge Wallet.

• 17:42H. Foley?

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• 17:47Speaker 04

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• 17:51H. Foley?

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• 18:11Speaker 04

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• 18:51Speaker 04

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• 19:10H. Foley?

  Holy shit. How many brothers and sisters you got?

• 19:12Speaker 03

  I got one younger brother, Jake.

• 19:13H. Foley?

  How much younger?

• 19:14Speaker 03

  Two years.

• 19:14H. Foley?

  Oh, okay. All right. Irish twins, as we call it.

• 19:17Speaker 03

  Yep. Couldn't keep their hands off each other.

• 19:20H. Foley?

  Fighting?

• 19:20Speaker 03

  No.

• 19:22H. Foley?

  Oh, your parents, so I got you.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, no, no, no, oh, no, no, I wish. No, no, they got along pretty good enough. Just vicious throat-cutting French Canadian misery in their fights.

• 19:30H. Foley?

  Gotcha.

• 19:31Speaker 03

  That, I could leave her, you know. That's what my dad's telling me. You know, I could leave your mother and get a hot piece of ass. I'm six, I'm like-

• 19:37Speaker 01

  I got ninety grand in this box.

• 19:39Speaker 03

  Any girl, any girl. Your cousin Jen's friends.

• 19:44H. Foley?

  Shaking a Vikinga bottle?

• 19:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. They come skittering out of the bushes.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Were you a good student?

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, I was, actually. I was like a, I was like a B plus, A minus student.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  Not bad.

• 19:54Speaker 03

  Point one. I, I was okay. I got like a, I got like a twelve eighty on my SATs.

• 19:58H. Foley?

  Out of sixteen hundred?

• 19:59Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, very good.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  That wasn't bad.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 20:01H. Foley?

  Damn, twelve eighty.

• 20:02Speaker 03

  But, uh, football guy. I played football for like, uh, four years, uh, two out of years out of high school, but I played Pee-wee ball.

• 20:09H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  Did you go to college at all, or attempt to go to college?

• 20:12Speaker 03

  I did. I went to college, uh, I went to col- I did football. I played football in college at Wagner in Staten Island.

• 20:17H. Foley?

  No kidding?

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 20:19H. Foley?

  What division is that?

• 20:20Speaker 03

  One double A.

• 20:20H. Foley?

  Whoa!

• 20:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, scholarship, dude.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  Kid was a baller.

• 20:22Speaker 03

  Little scholarship, yeah.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  Very nice.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  I only went, cause I think I, I graduated with like a really good group of guys. I was just like a, I was like six two and a half, six three, you know, they measure all those six two and three quarters.

• 20:34H. Foley?

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:34Speaker 03

  And I was like two twenty. I had okay speed and I was a real psycho on the field. Like, I was like the screaming guy during kickoff and like starting tight end.

• 20:42H. Foley?

  I can see that.

• 20:43Speaker 03

  I was pointing-

• 20:43Speaker 01

  Punching himself in the head.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  Pointing, like threatening the parents, like, "You're mine, you're mine," to like a mother-

• 20:49Speaker 01

  I'm gonna fuck your wife!

• 20:50Speaker 03

  "Oh, she's gonna be wet when I fuck her too. I'm gonna put my hand over my, 'Cause I know you ain't doing it, motherfucker." And they're like, "Who's, get eighty-nine off the fucking field."

• 21:00H. Foley?

  Some fourteen-year-old kid.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  Talking to him like an adult, yeah.

• 21:04H. Foley?

  "I'm gonna fuck your grandkids."

• 21:05Speaker 03

  "I got your social security number, motherfucker. Your bank money's mine." I'm like, "Jesus Christ, dude."

• 21:11H. Foley?

  Eighty-nine, what position were you playing?

• 21:13Speaker 03

  Tight end.

• 21:13H. Foley?

  Tight end?

• 21:14Speaker 03

  Tight end.

• 21:15H. Foley?

  Look at him.

• 21:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, nah, nah, tight end. But I played up there for a year. I didn't, I didn't do well. Uh, I went to college at seventeen, so just drinking a lot.

• 21:23H. Foley?

  Why'd you go at seventeen?

• 21:25Speaker 03

  I'm like that weird late August burn.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 21:27Speaker 03

  No kidding.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  I was the other way.

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Oh, you were late?

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was older, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 21:30Speaker 03

  You got a car?

• 21:31Speaker 01

  I had a car.

• 21:32Speaker 03

  You drove everybody around?

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, 96 Chevy Lumina, no big deal.

• 21:35Speaker 03

  Oh, wow, Lumina.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  Which I just went back and rebought, by the way.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  Was it light blue?

• 21:39Speaker 01

  No, I just bought a light blue one this year.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had the white one.

• 21:42Speaker 03

  That's the one in my head, the light blue one.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  Which you might know, the white ones had a paint, they like, they used like galvanized steel and the paint would chip off. I don't know if you knew that, the white Luminas, the paint would just fall off of it.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  GM got a deal on it from, yeah, some shit.

• 21:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, some shit happened.

• 21:55H. Foley?

  Like a true car salesman, he denies it.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, that car was like that when it got here.

• 22:00H. Foley?

  That was the Simonize they put on it, that was the other dealer. I can't believe those guys did that to you, those motherfuckers. How could they do that?

• 22:07Speaker 01

  This is my deal, Nick.

• 22:09H. Foley?

  How about the, uh, the vacations when you were a kid? What would you guys do? Where would your pop take you?

• 22:13Speaker 03

  This is great, we would go to, uh, Maine and kick tires on real estate. I never went to Disneyland, I have a bit in my standup about it that I never, I never went to Disneyland. And I'll, I'll, I'll save the reasons why I didn't go, but we would go to Maine. Uh, and my dad would give us, on Thursday nights, he would give us MLS listings. You've seen an MLS listing before, right? Like a sheet, a printout on a house.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Like, like the front page of a Zillow or something.

• 22:35H. Foley?

  This is vacation, you're a kid.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  Is this why you have the show, I presume?

• 22:37Speaker 03

  Yes, this is why I'm fucked up. My brother's a real estate agent, this is all I do, I build house, you know? So, he would give us like a sheet of like 10 of them. And he'd be like-

• 22:45Speaker 01

  First of all, only like actual realtors get MLS, like, that's like, that's like not for the public necessarily.

• 22:50H. Foley?

  Where was he getting them from?

• 22:51Speaker 03

  He had like a guy.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:53H. Foley?

  So, okay, where in Maine would you stay?

• 22:55Speaker 03

  The shittiest place, Skowhegan, Maine, Newport, Maine, places in Maine-

• 22:59H. Foley?

  Was it near water?

• 23:01Speaker 03

  Somewhere, not the good water, though.

• 23:03H. Foley?

  What were you doing there?

• 23:04Speaker 03

  Looking at houses and-

• 23:05H. Foley?

  That is insane.

• 23:06Speaker 03

  Never buying them. My dad would ink these people into like thinking, there's a whale coming to town. There is a fucking whale from Providence with his two kids and his two kids buddies.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Lot of cash.

• 23:17Speaker 03

  In a suburban, loaded.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  His two kids buddies.

• 23:19Speaker 03

  They are gonna, they are buying everything under the sun. We were buying nothing.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  Was that, was, did he actually- Think, was there like this, he might ever, was he actually looking, or was it just you guys were just going to?

• 23:30Speaker 03

  He like wears the shoes like a, like a, like a psych, like a psychopath, like going up there to buy the city.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 23:37Speaker 03

  Nick, I need you and your brother to narrow down which one we're gonna buy by the morning. I know you have school tomorrow. Here's the good news, I'm pulling you out of school at 12 tomorrow. He would pull us out of school on, you know, when you were a kid.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  I got eyes on a two-bedroom, wait till you see it, you're gonna plot.

• 23:50H. Foley?

  Yeah, but that's not vacation in the middle of the school year.

• 23:53Speaker 03

  It was the best vacation.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  That's awesome, dude.

• 23:54Speaker 03

  We would be snooping through people's shit, opening their underwear drawers, stealing shit, like it's just me and my brother.

• 23:59H. Foley?

  Really?

• 23:59Speaker 03

  Oh, we would be rifling through their stuff.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Come out with pearl earrings on.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 01

  These are mine.

• 24:04Speaker 03

  Wow, what a, what a, wow, this lady's got nice stuff. Yeah, I'm wearing a wig.

• 24:09Speaker 03

  I got her underwear on over my snowsuit.

• 24:11H. Foley?

  Hey, by the way, you're out of cancer medicine, lady.

• 24:14Speaker 03

  Shit's getting me higher than a kite, I'm nine.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck, Tom.

• 24:18H. Foley?

  Hold on, would you, and when I asked, what were you doing there, like, just as a pure vacation, why would you stay somewhere where there's not water or anything like that? So, this was the focus.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Your dad was actually, in his head was working. We're going to like figure actual, do business.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  We found joy in it as a family to stay in a, a decent, not a, like a, a Holiday Inn with a pool indoor. And then.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  So, hold, okay, run me down this day. So, you get to the Holiday, you check into the Holiday Inn.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  We get out of school at 12.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Get out of school at 12.

• 24:45Speaker 03

  I'm leaving early, guys. I'd love to sit here and have lunch with you. My dad's actually outside. I'm going to look at a bunch of real estate.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  I'm closing, I got a couple of properties in escrow right now.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  The big dog up in Skowhee.

• 24:54H. Foley?

  How long would you go for?

• 24:55Speaker 03

  We would go till Sunday night.

• 24:57H. Foley?

  So, oh, just the weekend?

• 24:58Speaker 03

  The weekend.

• 24:59H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 24:59Speaker 03

  But we did it like 14 times over two years.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  That's a lot, dude. 7,000 houses.

• 25:05Speaker 03

  95, yeah, yeah, like, so we'd look at like six a weekend. These guys would drive us around, and I've had my ass kissed as a kid.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Oh, you'd be with the, with the realtor.

• 25:11Speaker 03

  The realtor would be like, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?", like trying to kiss my ass, it's like trying to get on my dad's good graces, like, "You gonna play football up here? We got a great football team", and I'm like, "Yeah!", like. Sure, fucking dipshit. Like, we're not buying a fucking thing. Like, it's been two years, my dad's not pulling the trigger. Like, log cabins on the ocean, too cold. This one, too many acres, too rough, two farmhouses falling down. But it would be like extravagant, like, sixty-three acre farms, hundred and forty acre, three hundred and seventy acre.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  Could he have swung that, in a world?

• 25:41Speaker 03

  It was ninety grand. It was short money. Back in Maine, Maine was a shithole, forever. Now it's like the best city. It was a, it was short, short. It was eighty grand, hundred and thirty grand, you know, low money. The house that I grew up in was probably one twenty-five, you know, and it was just in the ninety-four. It was short.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  You are a fuck, you're too smart to be as much of a dirtbag as you truly are.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  Oh, I mean, it wasn't my fault, they threw me into it.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  This is how you get like a, like a fucking Dr. Evil type character, you know what I mean?

• 26:11Speaker 03

  You steep them in a car dealership and let them like, let them actually hang out with the adults. He's like, he's fine, he's with me.

• 26:16Speaker 01

  Styrofoam cup of black coffee and a fucking heater going?

• 26:19Speaker 03

  Hey, Rick, how you doing?

• 26:19Speaker 01

  What'd you pay? You got bamboozled.

• 26:22Speaker 03

  How much you pay for that? Ah, I could've got you one G, bud.

• 26:25H. Foley?

  Is this connected to the main line, or is it well water?

• 26:27Speaker 01

  What did he say?

• 26:28Speaker 03

  What? What?

• 26:30H. Foley?

  Would you do anything in the summer, like an actual vacation?

• 26:32Speaker 03

  Uh, this was it, that's, summertime, we'd, um, we had a...

• 26:37H. Foley?

  Cars to sell, I guess.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Cape Cod was a thing. When Cape Cod, we'd go to like Old Silver Beach. My grand, my mom's parents or grandparents, they had a, um, a condo in Cape Cod that we would go to in Mashpee. And then we'd go out there, like, I'd go with my grandparents once for two weeks every third year.

• 26:53H. Foley?

  And what was their grift? What'd you guys do? Pretend like you were blind?

• 26:57Speaker 01

  They were gypsies.

• 26:58Speaker 03

  Kino. She, my grandma was a varsity kino player.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  Would your mom go on these trips, on the, the Realtor, the Maine trips?

• 27:06Speaker 03

  Oh, the whole family would go to Maine.

• 27:07H. Foley?

  Okay, somebody to play the secretary.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  You're right, right.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Another ten thousand dollars came in today, Mr. Rochefort.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  Ma'am, there's no one on the phone. I didn't see the...

• 27:15Speaker 01

  She just got her fingers up to her?

• 27:17Speaker 03

  She didn't put any quarters in the payphone. The guy's starting to get skeptical, he's like, fuck, I've been being real nice to this kid who's been calling me a fucking asshole behind my back.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Gold's up another fifteen percent.

• 27:27Speaker 03

  No, it's not.

• 27:29H. Foley?

  I don't think this fourteen-year-old with the beard is really a doctor.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  I concur.

• 27:35H. Foley?

  That's fucking awesome.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  That's insane. I love that.

• 27:37H. Foley?

  I love it.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  I'm doing that with my son.

• 27:38H. Foley?

  Do that with your kids.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  I'm doing that.

• 27:40Speaker 03

  Kick tires on heavy- take him to 47th Street and try to buy a watch or something, you know what I mean? Just keep stroking on it.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  Dude, he got a buddy who finds people on Facebook Marketplace, gets them, beats them up on price. Darned up to like 35. They're asking $400, he gets them down to 35, he goes nah, nevermind, I'm out.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  Oh, I love that.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  He just likes beating them up for the sport of it.

• 27:56Speaker 03

  It's, why not?

• 27:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  Honestly, I don't even like, I used to do that in art in LA, that's really fun.

• 27:59H. Foley?

  What?

• 28:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, like paintings.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  You're a psychopath.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's good to do.

• 28:04H. Foley?

  Kick tires on real estate, okay.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  Kick tires on everything, you really should.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  If you pay retails for suckers.

• 28:10H. Foley?

  Yeah, I see it. It's a sucker born every day, man. Holy shit.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  I'm sure you've done it before.

• 28:16H. Foley?

  Who did the, who did the cooking at the house? Your mom?

• 28:18Speaker 03

  My dad.

• 28:19H. Foley?

  Your dad?

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Really?

• 28:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, my dad was a decent cook. He was a short order cook when he, when he was in 8th grade, you know, when he was like... But he, he quit his, he quit school because it was like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna make, you know, we're in a, everybody's dying.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  Dudes are making moves. Like, that guy's a guy's like, I can make cash and you're just stifling me.

• 28:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're, this is killing me. I could be at, you know, Meadowcrest making fucking $9, which is really funny because this Italian guy the other night was trying to make fun of me. I was at a bar and he's like, "You talk fast, you." You know, and like Italian guys, you guys are probably, because you're good talkers, so they're probably like, "You, I don't know, but this one over here..." They'll always like separate.

• 28:54Speaker 01

  They always, yeah, yeah, yeah. They talk to you about through, through the other guy.

• 28:57Speaker 03

  Which one is it? You or you?

• 28:59Speaker 01

  Your friend over here.

• 29:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, that stuff. And he's like, "I started in the line making $7.15 an hour." I opened my phone up, I go, "What's $7.15 worth in 1970?" It was $56 an hour. I said, "What are you bragging?"

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Fuck out of my face.

• 29:14Speaker 03

  Nice math problem, asshole. But yeah, no, he wanted to make bread and my dad was a cook. Dad was a decent cook. When we went broke, my aunt, um, my aunt hired him as a cook.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Really?

• 29:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  What did she?

• 29:26Speaker 03

  She ran a restaurant. My aunt, uh, took a, a restaurant owner took a liking to her and gave her a job as a manager at like 20.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  And she was running like the Bocci Club, which was a big Italian restaurant in our town.

• 29:35H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  You had one, a family style chicken restaurant in your town? Supper club type?

• 29:39Speaker 01

  No, not really.

• 29:40H. Foley?

  At Buca di Pepe, I guess. I don't even know if that's local though.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  But that's a chain, yeah.

• 29:44H. Foley?

  Why'd you say chicken?

• 29:45Speaker 03

  We do family style chicken around, it's a big deal.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  I don't know what that means, like just a lot of chicken on a plate?

• 29:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly right, yeah, a lot of chicken.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  You're really trying to church this up.

• 29:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, hold on.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  It's just a lot of chicken.

• 29:54Speaker 03

  There you go dumbass, it's family style.

• 29:57Speaker 01

  Eat off.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  There you go dummy, you and your diabetes family, here you go, have some of that.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  What kind of chicken?

• 30:02Speaker 03

  So this is mostly bones. Roasted chicken legs.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Just a lot of roasted chicken legs on a plate?

• 30:07Speaker 03

  With rosemary and salt on it.

• 30:08H. Foley?

  Who does that? That's a big thing up in your town.

• 30:10Speaker 03

  Wright's Dairy is a big deal, yup, it's like a really thing.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  I feel like you live like in the 40s.

• 30:15H. Foley?

  Yeah, now it is or it was back then?

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Still this day, Wright's Farm is probably one of the biggest.

• 30:18H. Foley?

  I'm having a hard time understanding.

• 30:20Speaker 03

  It's crazy, it's, it's, Ryle's is like its own thing, you know, it's its own flavor, it's been like that for a while, it's like the armpit of New England. So, that's why I was like, I can't fucking wait for this.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  I mean, you have to come back once a month at this point. We're barely, we're barely scratching this.

• 30:33H. Foley?

  Bring some of that fucking chicken.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, right, you go, you go there and it's like a fucking human trough. But it's like french fries, like oven roasted potatoes, simple penne vodka, penne red sauce.

• 30:45H. Foley?

  Uh huh.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 30:45Speaker 03

  And chicken, that's it. And it's like forty-two dollars all you can eat. And you sit at a fucking picnic table, filled with thousand pounders.

• 30:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:53Speaker 03

  And people are just hoovering this shit, like it's going somewhere. Like, like it owes the money.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  You know?

• 31:00H. Foley?

  So your aunt got a job there?

• 31:02Speaker 03

  Yup.

• 31:02H. Foley?

  As the manager?

• 31:03Speaker 03

  Yup.

• 31:03H. Foley?

  And then gave your dad a job there?

• 31:04Speaker 03

  Yup.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 31:06H. Foley?

  How old was your father when he took this job? When did he go broke?

• 31:09Speaker 03

  He, uh, we went broke after the car, the car dealership had some little complications with some, uh...

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Taxes?

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Some wise guys.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 31:16H. Foley?

  Oh, really?

• 31:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, sold a truck.

• 31:18H. Foley?

  I thought you lost the index cards.

• 31:19Speaker 03

  He got burned, he got burned by some, uh, some crime families, a whole load of cars. He was a good wholesaler, so... He was a, you know what a wholesaler is?

• 31:26Speaker 01

  That's a whole nother, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 31:27Speaker 03

  They go to the back of the dealership and they buy the used cars from the new car dealership. That's what we, that's what he would do essentially. He was pretty good at it, his partner Vinnie Ferrell, good guy dead now. But he was very good.

• 31:36H. Foley?

  Doesn't sound natural?

• 31:37Speaker 03

  Right, yeah, alright. He would drink Budweisers at 9 a.m. like this.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Oh, give me another one. With me at like, you know, 11, you know, that was fair. But, um, they were pretty good at wholesaling cars and they would run a pretty good, they would like run Subarus to the Pacific Northwest. They would run like convertible rear wheel drives to Florida where every car worked, you know? They'd buy things in Florida, ship them up here, like pickup trucks don't sell in Florida. Well, back in the day they didn't. So it was all like that. They were pretty good at it.

• 32:03H. Foley?

  The stuff that he knows is crazy.

• 32:05Speaker 03

  Then they got burned.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  You're saying that like we're sitting around the table?

• 32:07Speaker 03

  You guys know, yeah.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  How to use car or dealership break room?

• 32:10Speaker 03

  You know, yeah.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  Guys, you know, they can't sell a Tundra in fucking Florida to save their lives.

• 32:14Speaker 03

  LA, they don't buy fucking Acuras in Los Angeles. The ego's too big.

• 32:18H. Foley?

  Right. Sold a couple Toyota trucks to the Middle East, if you know what I mean.

• 32:21Speaker 03

  50 cal on the back.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Fucking, you see a bunch of Taliban guys in shamanics out of trucks.

• 32:27Speaker 03

  Nice stuff, too.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  Gun shoots straight.

• 32:32H. Foley?

  Oh, my God.

• 32:33Speaker 03

  So he got ripped off in the, the, that.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  That just crashed you.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  It just was like, alright, I'm jumping ship. And then I went and worked at, um, the, as the, uh, it's basically a big banquet hall weddings.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's he do now, if you don't mind me asking?

• 32:43Speaker 03

  General manager of a Ford dealership.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  There you go. That's a good job.

• 32:46Speaker 03

  Yeah. Tried to retire, can't retire. I always say the retirement myth for our fathers is crazy. None of them are ever gonna retire.

• 32:52Speaker 01

  Mine's very much of the same. A lot of highs, high highs and low lows. And I just remember being like, a couple of years ago, being like, ah, that's never gonna end. Like, you're gonna, you're gonna, yeah, I guess, for sure. I, I've realized that.

• 33:05Speaker 03

  It would be like if, are your parents still together?

• 33:07Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  No?

• 33:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:08Speaker 03

  It'd be like watching your dad pick women if he could and he's just.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  I've seen that, yeah.

• 33:14Speaker 03

  He's just going down the same, like, he's like, these fucking Latinas, I love them. And like every third week, he's getting like a death threat and he's like, dad, why do you do this to yourself? He's like, you ever see their asses, though? And it's like, you do this to yourself, dude.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  He's biting his hand, ah, my oh!

• 33:27Speaker 03

  Oh, oh, oh, I was like, god damn it, man.

• 33:30H. Foley?

  So, when did you sell cars? So it wasn't, you weren't selling at your dad's dealership?

• 33:33Speaker 03

  No, so I, um, no, I, I did when I did that a little. I sold a few cars at my dad's dealership over the years. Like, just one, like, old man needs help, get him the keys. And my dad would give me like a hundred bucks because the deal closed, which is one of those things. But then I sold cars when, um, between college. So I would go to college, I came back, and my dad had a job for me at a construction company making $20 an hour. I worked for a week. The guy's like, "Here's your paycheck." And I'm like, "Whoa, this is nine bucks." He's like, "You're a fucking kid." And I was like, "Yeah, my dad said you're... I was twenty bucks an hour. What the fuck's going on here?" He's like, "I ain't doing that for fucking nine bucks an hour." I looked in the paper and I started selling Fords, uh, when I was like, uh, eighteen.

• 34:11Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 34:11Speaker 03

  And I sold Fords at Pride Ford. And, um, I loved it.

• 34:15H. Foley?

  Did you stay at college at Wagner all four years?

• 34:17Speaker 03

  I, uh, no, no, no. I quit after two.

• 34:20H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 34:21H. Foley?

  So then you're home.

• 34:21Speaker 03

  I'm home.

• 34:22H. Foley?

  You're eighteen.

• 34:23Speaker 03

  Yep. I'm home, I'm eighteen, I'm selling cars, uh, during the summer, went back to school, um, kicked off campus.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  For what?

• 34:32Speaker 03

  Fighting.

• 34:33H. Foley?

  Who'd you beat up?

• 34:34Speaker 03

  Some fucking kid.

• 34:35H. Foley?

  Pretty sure you won.

• 34:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, I did. It was unfortunate. The kid, I, I, I was in my...

• 34:39Speaker 01

  It was unfortunate for him, it sounds like.

• 34:41Speaker 03

  I feel bad.

• 34:42H. Foley?

  What school was it?

• 34:42Speaker 03

  I was a steroid freak. I was on steroids.

• 34:44H. Foley?

  You're on steroids?

• 34:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was on like, growth hormone and Winstrol and Test and Deca and all that shit.

• 34:47H. Foley?

  Because of football?

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Are you Jose Canseco?

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I know. This is the thing about, there's nothing...

• 34:52Speaker 01

  I was, I had an internship at Belko Labs.

• 34:55H. Foley?

  But I had ninety-five home runs that year.

• 34:57Speaker 03

  Yeah. It really mattered.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  On their football team?

• 35:00Speaker 03

  On their shit, uh, you know, two and thirty football team, that, you know, we lose like ninety to zero, uh, ninety to zero.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Those dudes at that time, on a bad football team, loved steroids.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Oh, it was, it was...

• 35:10Speaker 01

  They were the guys.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  It was the thing to do.

• 35:11Speaker 01

  They were keeping steroids in business.

• 35:13H. Foley?

  But if you got out of it, if you weren't playing anymore, why'd you stay on the juice?

• 35:16Speaker 03

  It was fun. All my cousins were doing it. Like, it was around.

• 35:18H. Foley?

  What? Steroids?

• 35:19Speaker 01

  You want to buy his car?

• 35:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  You want some more chicken?

• 35:22Speaker 03

  It was like Guido era. Like, it was like, it was like, oh, nine, oh-two, oh-three, oh-four, oh-five.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Jack dudes were, that was, that was big.

• 35:28Speaker 03

  It was like hair gel roids.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Gym tan laundry.

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. It looked, it was a good look on me. I was like, "This is fun for a little while."

• 35:34H. Foley?

  Did you shave your back? Did you have that, that steroid back?

• 35:36Speaker 03

  No, I had like, rage and crying.

• 35:40Speaker 03

  I would, I would be like, "You don't get it!"

• 35:42Speaker 01

  Punching someone while crying.

• 35:43Speaker 03

  Punching walls and shit like that, like banging through steering wheels.

• 35:47H. Foley?

  What school were you at that you got thrown out? Do you want to say?

• 35:49Speaker 03

  I went to Wagner and then I got, I went to Wagner, got in the fight.

• 35:51H. Foley?

  Oh wow, the fight was at Wagner. Fight was at Wagner.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  What was the fight about?

• 35:55Speaker 03

  So I came back to the campus with my football tracksuit on at like 7:00 in the morning, we had like 5:00 AM workouts. And I didn't have my ID on me and the kid wouldn't let me in the building and I had like a test. And I was like dude, what the fuck man, let me in the building. Kid's like, sorry can't, like little peckerhead kid and I was like, dude, I'm a fucking football player, like you give me a break, it's up in my room. No one was around, I had to guess and I was like, I was kinda getting panicky, well, steroidy. So I just walked around the door.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  I got beatings, I.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was like, ah, I just like walked around the door. And um, I got like huge trouble for it. They're like, you have to work a week, you can't disobey the rules, I remember getting yelled at and then I'm drunk. A day later, the kid that did that's in the fucking cafeteria and he's like.

• 36:33Speaker 01

  You're drunk at the cafeteria?

• 36:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 36:35H. Foley?

  This guy's a loose cannon.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  I thought you were gonna get a frat party.

• 36:37Speaker 03

  I'm with like two of my buddies and they're like, hey, there's that fucking kid.

• 36:40H. Foley?

  When did they start doing brunch at college cafeteria?

• 36:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, right, I'm like, I'm cutting into my Benedict. As I'm putting my locks with my dill.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  These eggs are poached perfectly.

• 36:49H. Foley?

  Unlivened mimosas?

• 36:50Speaker 03

  There's that son of a bitch that. And right, right as I was just about to do, no. And then the kid, and he was kinda like a little bungled, he's like, fuck you. And I was like, fuck me.

• 37:02Speaker 03

  And I was like, wham, and I just like. And then I just, I, I hit him and it was pretty bad and, you know, and then I run out and the cops are running in, I'm like, there's a fight in there. And I'm like, run it off. And I was like, oh, and then I just like, I knew it was bad, so I went and turned myself in. I was like, hey, I got arrested, I went to jail for two days.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  Oh, you Henry Hill.

• 37:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was so bad.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  Now take me to jail.

• 37:19Speaker 03

  I was like, yep. The morality in, you know, so then I, then they.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  That's a good, you do, it seems like you do have a good heart.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  I'm not a bad person, I just have, you know, I had, you know, bouts of rage when you have steroids. So don't do steroids, they're not good. And the fucked up part about one double A schools or two schools, no one's going to the fucking league. But everybody thinks they're going to the fucking league.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, the pressure's, it's like a pressure cooker, yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 03

  It's their dads.

• 37:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  They're like fucking bench riding baseball fathers that never played a fucking down in football, they're like, go get him, son. And I'm like, he was probably pretty good in high school, but I knew we all sucked. And I was the only guy that was kinda like a hater, me and my buddy Aaron Winnick. We're like, we suck. Like, we, we lose every game. There's like 40 people in the stands, like, we were playing with kids that played for like Texas. High schools, I had like 70,000 kids in the stands and people were like, yo, this blows. I should have went to Temple or something. And I was like, yeah.

• 38:07Speaker 04

  TU, let's go.

• 38:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, like you should have went there. I was like, this sucks. But, uh, so it wasn't like a good experience. Then I just went to Salve. And, uh, Salve.

• 38:15Speaker 04

  What's that?

• 38:15Speaker 03

  Salve Regine is like a stupid Catholic independent school in Newport, Rhode Island, which is super fancy. I went for one season, uh, and then I got, I went back to Wagner.

• 38:23H. Foley?

  Finish your degree.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:25Speaker 04

  Get some unfinished business in the cafeteria.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  Finish my business management degree, right? Finish the business, yeah. Go back and be that kid.

• 38:31H. Foley?

  Kevin, let's talk about Aura Frames.

• 38:33Speaker 04

  Woo, you mean the best gift to give in the whole gosh darn world?

• 38:35H. Foley?

  Kevin, I said, let's talk about Aura Frames. Do you even know Aura Frames?

• 38:39Speaker 04

  No, please tell me what Aura Frames is.

• 38:41H. Foley?

  Talking about digital photos delivered right to your door, as they say. Listen, do yourself a favor. You got a grandma, you got a grandpa, you got an aunt, you got an uncle, you got some in-laws busting your chops about where are the pictures of the kids?

• 38:56Speaker 04

  Show me the baby.

• 38:57H. Foley?

  I want to see the pictures of the kids from the holiday, uh, uh, jubilee, whatever they're at. Get an Aura, baby. Best gift you're gonna give this holiday season.

• 39:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, they got unlimited free photos and videos. First of all, every, every female in my family has got an Aura Frame. And I mean, hey, news flash, they're getting a new one this year. I know, put one in the bedroom, put one in the kitchen, put one in the closet.

• 39:18H. Foley?

  Side note, every female in my family busts my chops.

• 39:22Speaker 04

  Uh, you got unlimited free photos and video. Just download the Aura app and connect to wifi. You can preload photos before it ships. Before it ships. So fucking your nana opens it up and bada bing, tasteful nudes. How you doing? Uh, you can personalize your gift. You can add a message before it arrives. Share photos and videos effortlessly and stay connected with the people in your family. For a limited time, visit AuraFrames.com and get $45 off Aura's best-selling Carver Matte Frames, named number one by Wirecutter. By using promo code GARBAGE at the checkout. That's Aura, A-U-R-A, Frames.com, promo code GARBAGE. This exclusive Black Friday/Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year, so order now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Do it.

• 40:03H. Foley?

  Do it. Kevin, some of our cash app.

• 40:07H. Foley?

  Cash App, gang, sending money, do yourself a favor. Send it on Cash App.

• 40:12Speaker 04

  Uh huh.

• 40:12H. Foley?

  It's easy, it's secure, you don't gotta think about it, don't ask a million questions when you're trying to send it. Gotta get some cash to your boys, you gotta take care of somebody that needs a little money this holiday season. Use Cash App.

• 40:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend cash. Uh, called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded, and easily grow or manage your money on your terms. Now, when you send at least $500 a month with the Cash App card or Cash App Pay, you earn green status which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, higher borrow limits, and customized personal cash back offers every Friday at places you love to shop. Who don't need that? Uh, turn everyday spending into Cash App Green. Download Cash App today or visit cash.app/new to learn more about this great feature they're launching now. Uh, for a limited time, Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASHAPP10

• 41:05Speaker 04

  in their profile at sign up and spend, and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms up, terms apply. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Green overdraft coverage, borrowing, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Do it. And we're gonna get back to the show.

• 41:31H. Foley?

  Back to the show.

• 41:33Speaker 01

  So you have a degree? No, okay. Jesus, I'm waiting for that.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  God, no. No, no, no.

• 41:38Speaker 01

  Nine colleges.

• 41:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm like 58 credits away from an associate's degree and like snot eating or something.

• 41:43H. Foley?

  So then you just left there again?

• 41:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, and so my dad bought a house in, um, in the woods. Finally, we escaped Rhode Island, uh, Windsocket, and we go to, my dad buys a house. In the meantime, my dad's buying like shitty apartment houses here and there. It was like the 94 come up to like 2000, he starts buying like four families. So he bought like two or three of them.

• 41:59H. Foley?

  This is when he's cooking.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  He's doing that. He's, he's buying like the four bedroom, taking the money out.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  During that time, gets a job as the, as a maintenance guy, as like groundskeeper Willie at my private high school that I got to go to.

• 42:10H. Foley?

  Uh huh.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  Did you go because he was worked there?

• 42:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I got to go for free.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  That is the blue collar way to get your kid a decent.

• 42:16H. Foley?

  So that's high school.

• 42:17Speaker 03

  That's high school.

• 42:18H. Foley?

  He hasn't started cooking yet, or was he already?

• 42:19Speaker 03

  He was cooking like in the, in the meantime, before that.

• 42:21H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 42:22Speaker 03

  Then he got a job as a, as a groundskeeper. Then he stayed there for a long time.

• 42:25H. Foley?

  And he's bu- and while he's doing that, he's still making moves trying to buy a house?

• 42:28Speaker 03

  Making moves, buying houses.

• 42:29H. Foley?

  This guy, your dad sounds awesome.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Not bad. He could, good guy. I mean, it was, it was a round. You could buy a house for forty grand. It was pretty fucking cheap. It's not hard to buy a house. And you could do what's called, you know, you could take, you could do, uh, holding paper with people. So guys foreclosing, banks were calling you personally and being like, hey, do you want this house? I just gotta get money on the books. And like, I'll give you five grand down. I'll give you a thousand a month and get this place drained. It was, it was like candy. It, it happened in oh eight again, but, um.

• 42:52H. Foley?

  The fact that you guys know, you are a dangerous family.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying, dude. He's got so much, he wields so much power. I don't know what's going on here.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, it, it would, it would mean something if I wasn't fucking touring at fucking bars for sixty-five people a night. You know what I mean? Like.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  That's a good living.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. I'm crushing it. Yeah. Uh, but, so yeah, that was happening. And, um, yeah, so then he works at the high school. I go there, Salve. Then he buys a house in the woods, gets a landscaping company. Old man retiring, small landscaping company. Has like a, a worker, a dump truck, a trailer. My dad calls me up. He's like, hey, you wanna quit school?

• 43:24H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  What years, uh, you're, what year are you?

• 43:26Speaker 03

  I'm oh four. I'm sophomore year, second semester. So I'm about to be a junior. He's like, hey, quit school.

• 43:31H. Foley?

  Back at Wagner?

• 43:31Speaker 03

  Yup.

• 43:32H. Foley?

  Okay. After you done the?

• 43:33Speaker 03

  After one at the Salve, now I'm back. Now they let me back on campus.

• 43:36H. Foley?

  Not playing football though?

• 43:37Speaker 03

  Not playing football. Nope, nope.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  I got one more.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  The NCAA did a testing. My name was on the list. I was like, yeah, I'm not gonna play football.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Really?

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. I was like, I'm done. I was like, I can't. I'll, I'll fail. I was like, I'll, I'll piss fucking fire. Like, don't, don't, don't, let's not do that.

• 43:49H. Foley?

  Put on a hundred pounds in twelve days?

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, right. Just Latimer from the program. Just spit. So like, yeah, that guy.

• 43:54H. Foley?

  Love that movie. That came out my senior year.

• 43:57Speaker 03

  Wasn't that the best football movie of all time?

• 43:58H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 43:59Speaker 03

  That was, that was a, that movie's criminally slept on.

• 44:02H. Foley?

  We watched, fucking James Caan.

• 44:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:04H. Foley?

  We watched that. We, the whole, a whole team went to watch that when it came out in, in the fall of my senior year.

• 44:10Speaker 03

  Lethal team.

• 44:11H. Foley?

  Awesome.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  Were you guys good?

• 44:12H. Foley?

  Uh, we were okay. We won districts in the following year.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  In Illinois?

• 44:16H. Foley?

  No, in Pennsylvania.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  Pennsylvania, that's, that's heavy football.

• 44:19H. Foley?

  Yeah, not, not really our school, but I, I know what you're talking about.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  Football jersey.

• 44:23H. Foley?

  Up by him.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:24H. Foley?

  It was, there was CB West, CBE's were big.

• 44:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, you got, cause I realized that when I went to college, like we, you know, we were nasty in Rhode Island, but we, fucking Rhode Island, who gives a shit? Even Zavarian Brothers, Boston's a big one, like that's nothing. Go to Pittsboro, uh, Pennsylvania, those boys.

• 44:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, those like fucking those hillbillies.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, Florida, Texas, California boys, you're like, who the fuck are these kids?

• 44:41H. Foley?

  Wrestling was huge in our area.

• 44:43Speaker 03

  Really?

• 44:43H. Foley?

  Like pro, a professional sport.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:46H. Foley?

  It was insane.

• 44:46Speaker 03

  That's cool.

• 44:47H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 44:47Speaker 03

  Different kinda guy.

• 44:48H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:49H. Foley?

  Different kinda guy.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, yeah, so I quit school and did a landscaping, opened a landscaping company.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  How'd that go?

• 44:56Speaker 03

  Great.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 44:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:57Speaker 01

  Really?

• 44:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:58Speaker 03

  So my dad, being the salesman that he is, hits up this one guy for, uh, nursing homes and gets 16 nursing homes before we even opened the doors.

• 45:07Speaker 01

  That's, that's the problem with you guys. Not the prob, that's your superpowers, like, you can close, it's like on paper. A guy, I already got 300 grand on the books, just come, just come move to Mulch, it's easy.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  I'm still at the school, you take the job.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:21Speaker 03

  He's like, I'll pay you, I think it was like 500 a week salary or five and a quarter a week. And I remember it, cause the summer before that, I was making, I sold cars, I made like 2,500 a week. And I'm, I'm 18 years old, like I, I knew, I was already fucked up about money, like I knew, cause I remember when like Morgan Stanley came to Wagner and gave like a, like, we start our analyst positions at 36,000 a year, and I was like, who gives a shit about that? I was selling fucking Fords to Deadbeats in Attleboro, making like fucking 83,000 a year, like, like I give a fuck, for working for you for 36,000 a year in New York City. My rent's gonna be, you know, whatever it was then.

• 45:51H. Foley?

  You're like Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School.

• 45:54Speaker 03

  Why buy? Lease! And it's like, you're mafia payoffs and what?

• 45:59Speaker 01

  I gotta tell ya.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  Fantasyland!

• 46:03Speaker 01

  I don't gotta remind you who runs the construction companies either.

• 46:06Speaker 03

  Oingo boingo's playing my fucking war rooms.

• 46:09H. Foley?

  That's a deep cut. Danny Elfman.

• 46:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:12H. Foley?

  Um, wait, so your dad booked sixteen nursing homes.

• 46:16Speaker 03

  Yup.

• 46:16H. Foley?

  Before you even got the business.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  Like the what? Like the monthly, hey, you come through, you get mulch, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:21Speaker 03

  Twenty-six cuts, mulching, uh.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  He remembers the contract.

• 46:24H. Foley?

  Who was gonna cut all that?

• 46:26Speaker 03

  Uh, the guys that we hired as soon as I got home.

• 46:28H. Foley?

  How many guys?

• 46:29Speaker 03

  We hired like six, like week one. And it was like me and a bunch of like crusty ass fucking deadbeats. And like, you know, it's like, it's like New England, so everybody's like, you know, no one speaks English. So I was like, alright, I'll hire the Barville hicks. So it'd be like, hey, what's going on? I'm like, trust me, you wish they were, you wish they were Guatemalan lady, like, this is way worse.

• 46:47Speaker 01

  These guys are going to your medicine cabinet.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  Exactly. These guys know how to open a sliding door by lifting it and sliding it left, you know what I mean?

• 46:52H. Foley?

  Hey, guys, shit in here real quick? I gotta dump the fucking Percocets, make me constipated as a motherfucker.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  I'm freaked out.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  You got a cup or something I can shit in?

• 47:05H. Foley?

  I shit, I landscaped, I don't know, for five years, all through, uh, high school and college in the summers. I loved it, but man, I remember shitting in the woods.

• 47:12Speaker 03

  Everybody shits in, it's crazy.

• 47:14H. Foley?

  Brutal.

• 47:14Speaker 03

  I never shit in the, I never, I'm a big public shitter though. Do you public shit?

• 47:18H. Foley?

  What do you mean?

• 47:18Speaker 03

  Will you shit anywhere?

• 47:19H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  Okay, good. Cause there's people who won't shit anywhere.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  No, yeah, I don't, I'm, dude, you can't be a touring comedian and go like, hey, I'm only doing it at the hotel room. I'll do the Home Depot, Home Depots are sleeper good.

• 47:29Speaker 03

  That's the best one.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, Home Depots are solid.

• 47:31H. Foley?

  So's a CVS. You find a nice CVS go in the back.

• 47:33Speaker 03

  New car dealerships.

• 47:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  Service area, they never see you coming.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  Service area.

• 47:37Speaker 03

  No one, a sock service.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  I'm here to pick up my dad.

• 47:41Speaker 03

  Just picking up my grandma's service. Okay, just go wreck a Honda dealership.

• 47:44H. Foley?

  They never see you coming, but they know when you left.

• 47:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's right. Like, what the fuck happened? You're peeling, peeling the paint off the walls? I, I go into it a lot. Um.

• 47:51H. Foley?

  So you take this job?

• 47:53Speaker 03

  Going great.

• 47:54H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 47:54Speaker 03

  Build this company up. And now I'm like. Now eighteen and a half, nineteen. And I'm like, oh, I have a job. It's cool.

• 48:02H. Foley?

  Your dad's making money off the landscaping business.

• 48:04Speaker 03

  He's doing that, yeah. It's, it's working. And he's like, you gotta buy a house.

• 48:07H. Foley?

  Is everybody out in this cabin? Your, your, your, your mom, your brother?

• 48:10Speaker 03

  No, my mom's working at a, she was working as a, at like a, a real estate, uh, brokerage.

• 48:15H. Foley?

  Oop, it's okay.

• 48:17Speaker 03

  As a, uh, as a, uh, bookkeeper. And my brother is, also quit college.

• 48:22H. Foley?

  But, but everybody's living in the cabin?

• 48:24Speaker 03

  Yes, everybody's living in the cabin.

• 48:25H. Foley?

  Everybody moved out.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  Oh, yes, everybody's living in the cabin. Yeah, there's an in-law, so I'm living in the in-law. It's kinda cool. My brother quit college in six days, became a Realtor.

• 48:31H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 48:32Speaker 03

  Cause he had a, an older lady friend that sold my dad all his houses.

• 48:36H. Foley?

  Wait, I'm sorry. You mean it took him six days to quit, or he only went to college for six days?

• 48:40Speaker 03

  He only went to college for six days. And he was like, I'm, went to Suffolk Law, and he was like, nah, this isn't for me. Fuck this. Came home, got his real estate license, started selling houses right away.

• 48:47H. Foley?

  You don't make it a week. That's awesome.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, we hate college. Like, my parents were like, college is for idiots.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  Also, who knows in six days? It's like the funnest week of college.

• 48:55Speaker 03

  Yes, I know.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  You're just getting fucked up. You're like hitting on chick. I, this ain't for me.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  I-

• 49:00Speaker 03

  You're hooking up with like fucking track girls that you've never hooked up before.

• 49:03Speaker 01

  Cause there's, at the first week of college, there's no cool, like every, it's, it's, it's the Wild West. The, the circles aren't set yet. There's no hierarchy. There's no nothing.

• 49:13Speaker 03

  Yes. Like, you think pretty girls that are pretty, they end up not being pretty, and you're like, oh, I thought you were hot. Oh, you're kind of a fucking weird dork that-

• 49:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:20Speaker 03

  Shits in the showers or whatever, you know?

• 49:21Speaker 01

  That was me, yeah.

• 49:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  Everybody's like, I thought you were cool. You're kind of a weird dork.

• 49:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know.

• 49:27Speaker 03

  Shits in the shower, this guy. Yeah, I heard him pissing in the shower. Not shit in the shower. That's crazy. You kick it down the drain with your feet. Okay. That's interesting. All right.

• 49:34H. Foley?

  Swish it in there, huh?

• 49:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay, okay. I mean, I guess it works.

• 49:37Speaker 01

  Whoa, all right.

• 49:38Speaker 03

  So, now we're doing that, and, uh, I did-

• 49:40Speaker 01

  What age are you at? Eighteen?

• 49:41Speaker 03

  I'm eighteen.

• 49:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 49:42H. Foley?

  It's wild. Fuck, dude. This guy's crazy.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  He's gonna, he's gonna have to, he's gonna hold the lease to this place.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  I wish. No, again, I'm fucking, I'm, I'll be opening up a Randy's Bar and Grill next week for, uh, you know, I wish all this stuff equated to whatever it equates to, but-

• 49:55Speaker 01

  You're moving tickets out there.

• 49:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, selling. But, uh, you know how it is. You know, you always, uh, this comparison is the thief of joy, as Brene Brown says. I'll be talking to like fucking, you know, one of these other guys, and they're like, yeah. I got hit up Shane Lustig. I was like, hey Shane, how's those fucking stadiums treating you, dickhead? Check out this green room. I'm in the, I'm in like an ax murderer's bedroom as a green room.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  Sitting on a keg.

• 50:13Speaker 03

  Yeah. This is cool. I'm skateboarding on a skateboard with no wheels on it, you know?

• 50:18H. Foley?

  You still got the landscaping money, though.

• 50:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, right, that's still-

• 50:20H. Foley?

  He's still doing it.

• 50:21Speaker 03

  Still coming in. No, I-

• 50:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  So that, we did that for years. I did that for three years. I bought a house in the middle of that. In the middle of that, my dad's friend Vinny comes back. He goes, Nick, I know a company that's converting apartments to condos. That was a big thing in oh six.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  Boston company called Schumacher was buying thirty, thirty, forty, fifty unit apartments and turning them into condos. Like developing an HOA document.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  So, he goes, go give this fucking deadbeat driver of them. He's a driver. You know, like a parts driver?

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Like a title registry guy? Guys who sit in the dealership and go register cars for forty bucks.

• 50:55H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 50:56Speaker 03

  They'll do like five in a day. This guy lived in one of the apartments. He has no fucking money. He's like, he's, he looked like fucking Wayne Grow from Heat. Remember Heat?

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, remember it. He watches it every morning.

• 51:07Speaker 03

  Hey, what's going on? Like I-

• 51:08H. Foley?

  I had to get it on, man. He was gonna make a move.

• 51:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Wayne Grow, I'm smashing his head into a fucking, at a diner. Uh, so I go have to go see Wayne. My dad kinda sends me in a loan. He's like, you have to go see Wayne Grow. And give him five grand to give you his position to buy the condo for one twenty. But it was oceanfront in Warwick.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Alright, so hold on. There's this guy, this relative, as you call him, a deadbeat.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:29Speaker 01

  Uh, and you have to go, you're buying the option, the right to buy his, when it goes condo.

• 51:33Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 51:34H. Foley?

  Who comes to you with this?

• 51:35Speaker 03

  My dad's friend Vinny.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  Your dad's friend Vinny?

• 51:37Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  How does he know?

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Uh, cause he was buying, cause he bought one too.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  Gotcha.

• 51:41Speaker 03

  He's like, there's a better, he's got the best Wayne Grow's, and he did, he hooked me up with the better one. Cause it was like, it was like a V shape and it was on the ocean. It was called Ocean Forty in Warwick.

• 51:49H. Foley?

  You're twenty-one.

• 51:50Speaker 03

  I'm nineteen.

• 51:51H. Foley?

  You're nineteen?

• 51:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:52H. Foley?

  You would already, you owned a home?

• 51:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:54H. Foley?

  Bought a house?

• 51:55Speaker 03

  I bought it on my, I think it was, I was nineteen, I bought it on my twentieth, was when I closed on it. Cause I remember I closed on it on my birthday and then I sold it. I'll, I'll tell you how I sold it.

• 52:02H. Foley?

  Are you living in it?

• 52:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:04H. Foley?

  Is it by your, where your dad lives, in the cabin?

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Nope. It's kinda like where, uh, it's, Warwick is like a wannabe, rich, WASP-y town. Where like the insurance whites live.

• 52:13H. Foley?

  Are you driving back and forth to do the landscaping stuff?

• 52:16Speaker 03

  Yep, yep. I'd show up there every day. That was-

• 52:18Speaker 01

  What's the car at this point?

• 52:20Speaker 03

  F350 diesel. I was not, then I was, I was like, then I was like, starting to ball out like an idiot. Oh, I went through some cars then.

• 52:27Speaker 01

  It's like drug money.

• 52:27Speaker 03

  Then I started to buy, then I started like, so you buy a credit card, that was good, then you buy a car. And then I started to do stupid shit. First car at the auction FX35 Infinity.

• 52:35H. Foley?

  Uh huh.

• 52:36Speaker 03

  Red. Second car was-

• 52:37Speaker 01

  You're doing this at the auction?

• 52:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was buying it from the auction, first car. Again, birthday, go with Vinny. Drink and drive the whole way home.

• 52:43H. Foley?

  You are an Olympic level dirtbag.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 52:45H. Foley?

  And I fucking love it.

• 52:47Speaker 03

  Drink and drive the whole way home.

• 52:48Speaker 01

  Your first car was at a police auction, or an auction?

• 52:50Speaker 03

  No, no, Odessa, the, the big car auction. I went to go buy like an M3, an S4, or an FX35.

• 52:56Speaker 01

  What the fuck's an FX35?

• 52:58Speaker 03

  FX35 is the Infinity SUV.

• 53:00H. Foley?

  They only made three of them.

• 53:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, in cherry red.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  That? Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  That car, when that car, it's that exact one right there.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  So I bought it for 28 grand. Uh, it was an 04, it was cool. I think I bought the other first gen. So I buy that, trade that in, in three months, buy a 2500 Duramax Crew Cab.

• 53:22H. Foley?

  Still on roids?

• 53:23Speaker 03

  Nope.

• 53:23H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 53:23Speaker 03

  No, now I'm just kinda drinking a lot. I'm hanging out with like DJ Paulie D's friends. He's from Rhode Island.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  So, listen-

• 53:28Speaker 03

  Mike Morgan, good friend of mine.

• 53:30Speaker 01

  There's a thing, that was, that was Bam Margera with us. Like, you can get, I never-

• 53:35Speaker 03

  I would've traded immediately.

• 53:36Speaker 01

  But, sure, for sure.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  Damn it!

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Our friends would, it would be like-

• 53:39H. Foley?

  No money down.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  How, you, how close to that circle you could get.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  Could you get close to Bam?

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Uh, no, me, no. I was probably three rings out.

• 53:47Speaker 03

  I was three rings out.

• 53:47Speaker 01

  A kid I knew stayed at the house.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:51Speaker 01

  At the castle.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, like that shit, yeah, yeah.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  A kid I knew would stay at the castle.

• 53:53Speaker 03

  Like, the Paulie D project? Was Mike Morgan, he was in it? And I used to go to his parties all the time and get like, alcoholism, like alcohol, like, uh-

• 54:01Speaker 01

  Poisoning?

• 54:02Speaker 03

  Alcohol poisoning, like, every year. And I, we were like, you know, 1920, piece of shit. But, uh, they were all there, like, all those guys. I like, oh, that was a big deal.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  That was like, when, when you're in a, not a New York, and you had, like, that's the, that might, Paulie D might as well be fucking Tom Cruise.

• 54:17Speaker 03

  Literally.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  And you're never gonna get, he, it's like, that is the most famous person you'll ever come in relative contact.

• 54:23Speaker 03

  And my friend, Ron Barry's brother, Randy Barry, was on the Real World. And he would party with us all the time.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  Who was he on the Real-

• 54:30Speaker 03

  He was Randy from the Real World San Diego. And girls used, they used their fucking pussies would melt off when they saw him.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Oh, I remem- this guy was hot.

• 54:37Speaker 03

  Dude.

• 54:38Speaker 01

  Didn't he?

• 54:39Speaker 03

  I, I've never seen people flip out more than a Real Wor- we'd be at like a PC bar, Providence College, which is like, hot Irish hockey girls that are kinda like-

• 54:47Speaker 01

  What?

• 54:49Speaker 03

  You know, everybody's favorite-

• 54:50Speaker 01

  That is such a specific Rhode Island girl.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  Freckles, kinda beat, seven two to eight four.

• 54:55Speaker 01

  Every one of my cousins. Shout out Bridget, shout out.

• 54:59Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, stop it.

• 55:01Speaker 01

  Kid's got a type.

• 55:02Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, to you, Jesus Christ. Like, field hockey girl, that's the one. You know, like, kinda funny, really good sense of humor, does like physical humor.

• 55:09Speaker 01

  Can drink a lot.

• 55:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, they run through doors and shit.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Chucks a beer in your face?

• 55:13Speaker 03

  They're like Chris Farley, the girl. Yeah, yeah, but they're kinda pretty. That's, that's my type. So I, and we'd go to PC with this guy. It was like, it was literally like bringing like fucking Spanish fly. Like, it was, it was like kicking a bottle of Spanish fly on the ground in the bar. And girls would be like, "Oh, my god!" Brad from the Real World, like, now my father's-

• 55:29Speaker 01

  Brad?

• 55:30Speaker 03

  Brad came in, I remember him clapping out a girl in the back of my dad's, my dad flipped out at a midlife crisis, bought a Hummer, a red Hummer H2 during this time.

• 55:36Speaker 01

  I feel like your dad's probably had nine midlife crises.

• 55:38Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, he had a really good one. Uh, it was like, what, a red Hummer? I mean, he might as well have told everybody he wanted to fucking give head.

• 55:46Speaker 03

  I was like, "Why didn't you wear a prom dress, dude, dad? Jesus Christ."

• 55:49Speaker 01

  "What's up? I'm here to party and I might blow you."

• 55:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. "What? It's cool." "No, it's not."

• 55:53Speaker 01

  Damn, Brad. You met Brad?

• 55:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, he was, I remember like, he's like, "Hey, can you give me a ride back to this girl's dorm room?" And I just like, "Yeah, dude, no problem." "Are you kidding me?" I'm like a fucking, you know, the little, like the low rung on a total pole. I'm like, "No problem, dude." And I just like, looked back at him like, I just like, looked back, he's just clapping an open-legged fucking freshman and like, and I was like, "Wow." This is awesome.

• 56:13Speaker 01

  Hollywood, dude.

• 56:15Speaker 03

  Made it. I'm going to the Oscars next year.

• 56:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, that was super fun, yeah. So that, that all starts going on and, uh, and then I think it was like, I had a summer of partying. And I was like, "Man, I gotta stop spending like 500 bucks on a week and go and hammer." Um, you know, it was, it was a great time where, and then I bought the condo. I gave him, he wanted five grand and Wayne Grove and he's, I was like, look man, I don't got five grand, I got seventeen hundred bucks. And he's like, are you fucking kidding me dude? Benny told me you give me fucking five grand. I was like, I don't have it. I don't have it and you gotta get out either way. So do you want it? And I remember like, my move was always hold the money out in front and make sure it was in loose bills. If you're ever buying anything at a flea market, hold the money out front and say, do you want it? And make sure the last number is a nine.

• 56:57Speaker 01

  Wait, what?

• 56:58Speaker 03

  So, I'll give you an example. Say someone wants three hundred and fifty dollars. You offer them, instead of offering them a hundred and fifty, offer them a hundred and eighty-nine dollars. Make sure the last digit is high. It's a stupid thing, but they'll be like, cause if it was one-

• 57:13Speaker 01

  Seventy.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  They would be like, no, no, nine.

• 57:15H. Foley?

  I thought you meant the serial number on the bill.

• 57:17Speaker 03

  No, no, no, just like, nah, I have a hundred and nine dollars, then hold it in front of them, do you want it? And nobody says no. It's like, it's like a nine point seven out of ten times you'll close that.

• 57:27Speaker 01

  Holy shit. This guy's constantly closing stuff.

• 57:30Speaker 03

  Well, I have to buy it, I'll get into it later, but yeah, you always have, you're always doing those deals, you'll, you'll see that people, whatever, it's an old lady, who gives a shit? She fucking watch, she watch you melt in a barrel fire. Who gives a shit?

• 57:40Speaker 01

  Alright, so you buy the, you buy the option to buy the-

• 57:43Speaker 03

  I buy that, I move in.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  Seventeen hundred bucks, then you get, you get this condo-

• 57:46Speaker 03

  I get a no-doc loan.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  From who?

• 57:49Speaker 03

  My coke head friend, Matt.

• 57:51Speaker 01

  He gave you one twenty cash?

• 57:52Speaker 03

  No, no, no, this is when, remember when loans you didn't have, it was called stated income? I made like-

• 57:57Speaker 01

  You just had to say, this is what I made.

• 57:59Speaker 03

  That's right. So, it was like, I made like-

• 58:01Speaker 01

  This is essentially what brought down the world economy.

• 58:03Speaker 03

  It's, oh, a hundred, it's happening right now, DSCR loans doing right now in Baltimore, it's happening right now. But, um, it was no-doc loans-

• 58:09Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 58:10Speaker 03

  The other guy in Baltimore is doing his crush, it just came out this morning. Anyway, so like, I was like, yeah, I make nine-

• 58:14Speaker 01

  What, you read the trades?

• 58:15Speaker 03

  I make ninety, I was in the paper this morning, yeah. Uh, I got a loan for, I said I made ninety grand, it was a lie, I didn't make ninety grand.

• 58:23Speaker 01

  I did that with Apple to get a MacBook.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Nice, well, how'd you, how'd you slide out of there?

• 58:27Speaker 01

  They said, how much do you, I did it on the good computers, and how much you make? I said, three hundred thousand dollars. This was on the podcast, it was like the first week of the podcast.

• 58:33Speaker 03

  Criminal. They should lock you up in a ski mask.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  They were like, hey, good job.

• 58:37Speaker 03

  Hannibal Lecter over here.

• 58:40Speaker 03

  You're gonna be doing life after this.

• 58:41H. Foley?

  This guy's stealing retirement homes. You're talking about your Venmo credit card? Shut up!

• 58:46Speaker 03

  I'm sticking pickaxes in little old ladies' heads. I'm shooting him like John, Joe Pesci in the movie.

• 58:52H. Foley?

  You're gonna embarrass us in front of Brad if he ever shows up.

• 58:55Speaker 03

  Brad's from the real world.

• 58:59Speaker 01

  I was just going, oh yes, I've done that. Yes. Sorry.

• 59:02Speaker 03

  Oh, fuck, man. So I get that.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Get back to the Ponzi scheme, you're right.

• 59:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, the Ponzi. So now the Ponzi, this is really good. You're gonna love this. This is the most, this is like the, so I sell that. I kinda, I know I have a car payment and the mortgage payment, and my parents, like, they're not, nah, help you out kind of parents. They're like, "You did this to yourself. Go drown." And I'm like, "Well, you wanted a fucking F-150, you know, I traded this, I traded for that, and now I have a car payment of like, $632 a month, you know, and I got a mortgage of like, $938." And I'm making $55,000, and after taxes, it's like, basically I have like, $400 a month to live on.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  You're breaking it.

• 59:37Speaker 03

  I'm not doing well. This is like five months in, like, right when I'm starting to crack, and I'm like, "Fuck", and I'm not getting, and the business doesn't do enough to get me a raise. 11 o'clock at night, my coked-out friend, that sold me the house, my mortgage broker, "I gotta buy this fucking condo from you. It's oceanfront, and I want it real bad." And I was like, he's like, "I'll give you, I paid $129..."

• 59:58H. Foley?

  Here's $109.

• 1:00:02Speaker 03

  $109 cash, you'll take it, won't you? And I'm like, at that point, he goes, "I'll give you $180,000 for it." I was like, "Hold out your hand, sold." I go, I literally, we, we have a cigarette, I shut the door, he leaves, I'm packing my shit up that night.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  That's dirtbag paperwork right there.

• 1:00:18H. Foley?

  You're packing your shit up that night?

• 1:00:20Speaker 03

  I'm like, "When do you want it?" He's like, I know, he's crazy, he's like a autistic, really talented cokehead, like, he's too good to be a mortgage broker. He was too good. He should have never been brokering mortgages, like, with this brain and that much drugs. Because he'll do, he could do a loan in his car, like, he was that good, you know, he could be like...

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  Alright, sign here. Like, he was like that, that kinda, and he had like no rules.

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  You're gonna make one of those great guys when they look back at your life when you're like seventy fi- If you make it, you'll be like seventy-five and you'll be like, "This guy could do a deal in his car, that's how good he was."

• 1:00:50Speaker 03

  So fast.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  So fa- like, all the characters in your life.

• 1:00:53Speaker 03

  He had a printer in his fucking glove box.

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  He was the first guy to have the fax machine and a Dodge Durango.

• 1:00:58Speaker 03

  He tethered on the fucking apartment buildings that he was at. He'd go to Kinko's, there's always one nearby. Uh, so he did that like, we closed in seven days. He bushed me, I remember. He was like, "Nick, I was fucked up, I can't give you one eighty."

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  What's pushed you?

• 1:01:11Speaker 03

  Negotiated.

• 1:01:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:01:12Speaker 03

  So he bushed me like ten grand. He's like, "I'll give you one seventy." I was like, "Still done. Still fine." I take fifty thousand. Now I, now I'm like-

• 1:01:19H. Foley?

  Is he paying you cash or does he get a loan?

• 1:01:21Speaker 03

  No, he did a loan too.

• 1:01:21H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  So-

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  He's that good he loaned to himself.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  This is a re-

• 1:01:24H. Foley?

  So you don't really get that money, you just get out of your thing?

• 1:01:27Speaker 03

  I got fifty grand profit though.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  You get the cut, yeah.

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  So I, now I have fifty thousand in profit. So I'm like, clearly I'm Don Trump. Clearly I'm the best developer-

• 1:01:35Speaker 01

  I'm sure the first thing on your mind is to go claim that on your taxes.

• 1:01:37Speaker 03

  Right, right, yeah, literally. So I'm like, "Well, I'm clearly a millionaire." I had like, I think it was like fifty-three thousand dollars in my bank account. I've never, I remember the day I left, I was like, "I'm so rich." I'm living with my parents again.

• 1:01:49H. Foley?

  What happened to the house that you bought?

• 1:01:51Speaker 03

  The condo. I sold it to him.

• 1:01:52H. Foley?

  No, what happened to the original house?

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  That was the house you bought.

• 1:01:55H. Foley?

  That was okay.

• 1:01:56Speaker 03

  That was the one.

• 1:01:56H. Foley?

  Alright.

• 1:01:57Speaker 03

  So now I'm back in my parents' basement, but I go, I find this house. Now, this is right when the market's doing this. It's starting to turn. I find a duplex. I'm like, "Now I'm going into multifamilies. I'm gonna do the condo conversions." I find this one on the, on one of my routes. I'm like, "I'm gonna buy this house for two eighty-nine." I call Matt, I go, "Matt, I wanna buy this house." He goes, "Okay, cool." At the same time, I find another piece of property that can run my landscaping company, pull it out of my parents' house, and it's a house and a commercial property with a billboard, a Lamar billboard. They had a lot.

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  Very nice company.

• 1:02:27Speaker 03

  I'm gonna kill it, I'm gonna have all, I'm gonna have these two units, this house, the thing. And Lamar paid you rent? And Lamar paid like four thousand a year, something. It was something. It was like four hundred bucks a month or something. So like, "Alright, cool, we'll do this, blah blah blah." He goes, "Alright, here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna buy both houses from different banks. You're approved for three eighty-nine."

• 1:02:43H. Foley?

  This is the coke head?

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  This is the coke head.

• 1:02:45H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 1:02:45Speaker 03

  Now, I love this kid.

• 1:02:46H. Foley?

  Of course.

• 1:02:47Speaker 03

  He goes, "You're gonna go this one from Chase, you're gonna do this one from Bank of America." And that's gonna be great. So I buy, we're gonna close on the same day.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  They don't talk.

• 1:02:55Speaker 03

  They don't talk. So I close on one.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  Until they start talking.

• 1:02:58Speaker 03

  I close on the other one. I close on two houses, bang, the same day. Now I have $750,000 in debt. I'm like 21, 20, 20 and a half.

• 1:03:05Speaker 01

  But you got the 53 grand.

• 1:03:07Speaker 03

  I got the, no, the 53 grand's gone.

• 1:03:08Speaker 01

  The 53 you put down, yeah.

• 1:03:09Speaker 03

  It's gone. And I'm like, so now I have the two family in, in North Providence, and I have the commercial in Situate that I'm now running my company out of. I'm living in, uh, one of them. I rented the house to my uncle, blah, blah. I got everything straightened out. I think I'm the smartest kid in the world. I call Kiplinger's magazine. I'm like, hey, listen, I figured out a glitch. Kiplinger's magazine, which is like the Forbes of kids.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  Kiplingers?

• 1:03:31Speaker 03

  You call them. I call them to, like, I wanna be a writer because I'm so smart.

• 1:03:35Speaker 01

  How much coke are you doing?

• 1:03:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. None. I didn't do coke until way, until an hour ago.

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  Kiplinger Personal Finance and Investment.

• 1:03:42Speaker 03

  It was like a thing. So I'm like, hey, I figured, they called me back. I remember I was on like one of my lawnmowers. I turned the lawnmower.

• 1:03:47Speaker 01

  I was on one of my lawnmowers.

• 1:03:48Speaker 03

  I'm like, hey.

• 1:03:49Speaker 01

  You're the only guy to field a Kiplinger phone call in your lawnmower.

• 1:03:51Speaker 03

  And they're like, hey, we, uh, we wanna talk to you about what you figured out. And I was like, yeah, so if you don't talk to the banks to, if you don't let the banks talk to each other, um, you can buy two houses. And they're like, that's bank fraud. And I was like, oh my god, you aching up after, oh, let you. Sorry, the landscapers are here. I gotta go buy. Just hang up the phone. And I was like, shit, shit. You know, then, then like the wheels started to come off everything. Um, I did a fit.

• 1:04:17Speaker 01

  Such, dude, talk about keeping the plate spinning.

• 1:04:19Speaker 03

  Dude, I moved a stripper in on a favor from my father from this guy from a construction company. His, his gumada had to move into my house. She shows up in a Honda Accord.

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  Into one of the duplexes?

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  Yup, into one of the duplexes.

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  She paid rent?

• 1:04:33Speaker 03

  No, she paid, she was gonna pay rent. It was 1,800 a month. It was a three bedroom. Hot fish. 31 lot of miles.

• 1:04:40Speaker 01

  What's, what's the, what's the fluff?

• 1:04:42Speaker 03

  No field hockey player. Yeah, no, not, none of these sweet field hockey players with this great sense of humor. Not like your cousin.

• 1:04:48Speaker 01

  Call your pussy.

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  Cousin Siobhan.

• 1:04:50H. Foley?

  Call you a pussy, that's great.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  What's the, what's the, what's the profit on the duplex and the rent? Like, are you, are you, is there like, is there good wiggle room there or no?

• 1:04:59Speaker 03

  Not much, so I really needed to get-

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  Not enough to get you out of it?

• 1:05:02Speaker 03

  Not enough to like, like, I couldn't rent it, and the market's going like this, and it's starting to tip. So like, eighteen hundred was tall-ish for this three-bedroom, one-bath. I'm living in one with, um, my boys, who are starting to stiff me a little bit. My boys are like-

• 1:05:16Speaker 01

  I'll get you next week.

• 1:05:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're like, dude, I gave you weed last week, and I was like, so what? Like, three hundred dollars a month each, like, I figured it would be like, three hundred, three hundred, and I live for- Basically, I wanted to break even.

• 1:05:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:27Speaker 03

  You know, that was all.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  You live for free.

• 1:05:28Speaker 03

  Live for free.

• 1:05:30Speaker 03

  Slut moves in with her fucking kid, she's got a Lincoln School for Girls uniform, that's the most expensive school in the state.

• 1:05:36Speaker 01

  The kid.

• 1:05:37Speaker 03

  The kid. And I'm like, you can't fake that, that school's thirty thousand, this has to be some sort of, I don't know. Come to find out, she moves in, I say yes, she pays me the first month, everything's fine, hunky-dory, and three months in, starts to get a little dicey.

• 1:05:51Speaker 01

  You doing a lease and stuff, or is this handshake deals?

• 1:05:53Speaker 03

  It's all fucking like, all like, eh, you know, you know Jimmy, it's fucking like this, and I'm, I'm fucking, now I'm like, twen- you know, six months goes by, I'm twenty-one years old, I'm still like, fresh-faced.

• 1:06:03H. Foley?

  This is, it's fucking insane.

• 1:06:04Speaker 03

  It's stupid, it's stupid is what it is. Then, I'm like, hey, listen, Trista, whatever her name was, you need to fucking pay the rent here, I'm gonna call your fucking boyfriend, like, and then it comes to find out how her daughter has the school uniform is. She got a divorce from the richest guy, strip club owner, and his only liability was to pay for school, and she hammered him, and then picked the most expensive schools in the state just to get him. That's why. She's a deadbeat, she moves her sister in, also a stripper. Now, I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. So now I have two strippers living in, I'm living the other one, I'm trying to renovate a pa- I'm doing this thing where everybody who buys houses tries to renovate houses too much, I'm ripping kitchens apart, I'm doing bathrooms, I'm painting too much. I'm fucking just doing too much and I'm, I have no money. I'm living check to check and uh.

• 1:06:49H. Foley?

  Do you know how, did you know how to do this construction?

• 1:06:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, a little bit. Like I had all my friends, my dad did them growing up. I used to work as my dad. Like I was like free, cheap labor when I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. And I had like consult.

• 1:07:01Speaker 01

  It was the union delegate from 98 to 2002. What are you talking about?

• 1:07:05Speaker 03

  Like, guys, they love to tell you how to do a job. You know these guys. They love to sit there. They're like, how do I do this job? Come over. Alright, I'll be by. They tell you, they like give you the laundry list of shit you have to do and you're like, alright. It's all hell and you're like, fuck it, I'll do it. So it was like the thing to do in like where I lived. I hung out with.

• 1:07:21Speaker 01

  You got a table saw?

• 1:07:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like group tools. Like I'll bring my X by, you bring your Y by. And then uh, it was just that, but you, like everybody, you do too much. You know, you, you think you can go to Ikea and do kitchens and this and that thing. It just all blew up my face. I was a fucking moron. Before you know it, the 50 grand's gone. Two strippers are living next door. I'm getting stiffed. I'm collecting rent from fucking weird old men. Um, actually, you know the guy, uh, so anyway, him, some weird professor from New Hampshire. Yeah, so, and wow guys, that was really great during the break.

• 1:07:55Speaker 03

  Funny story during the break. But anyway, like that guy would pay uh, rent. So uh, this was fun. And then um, it was just shit like that, but then eventually it just, I had to evict her. And I had to go through an eviction. That's like a nightmare.

• 1:08:07Speaker 01

  That's a nightmare process. For everybody.

• 1:08:09Speaker 03

  They think it's funny. Like the people who are getting evicted think it's like cool. I love, it's like, it's like uh, when bums think they're cool for crossing the street slow. And you wanna like just floor it and turn them into like pancake batter.

• 1:08:20Speaker 01

  I don't think I've ever had that.

• 1:08:22Speaker 03

  No, you've never seen one like go like, get cool on you across the street?

• 1:08:24H. Foley?

  I know exactly what you're talking about.

• 1:08:25Speaker 03

  You smell like piss. Like fuck, fuck you.

• 1:08:27Speaker 01

  The bull's on you.

• 1:08:28H. Foley?

  Did she trash the place before she left?

• 1:08:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:08:30Speaker 01

  They always do. They never just leave hat and hat, cause it would never get to eviction. If they were like, hey, listen, just give me a month and I'll get out of here.

• 1:08:37Speaker 03

  Right, right. It's never like, hey, listen, could you, and I tried to work at all like six times and just it didn't.

• 1:08:41H. Foley?

  You never got any flack from the boyfriend?

• 1:08:44Speaker 03

  No. Nah, he was, yeah, and I was like this, wow, big shot, uh-huh, can't even pay his, you know, $650, you know, whatever the hell he has to pay to do this.

• 1:08:51H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 1:08:51Speaker 03

  It was always like a little, cause I'm 21, they're like 60.

• 1:08:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad, it's like, there's the older generation.

• 1:08:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, like pay for it, big shot. I'm, I'm 20, where's the money? Like come on, I can, this is easy. I could, and then you think about it in hindsight, like I could do that.

• 1:09:05H. Foley?

  Did you ever go to him and say, hey, she's not paying the rent to the, to the guy?

• 1:09:09Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, I'd text him. This is like right when texting, so I'd be like, hey. Trish is not giving me the money dude, I need money.

• 1:09:14Speaker 01

  I need my winstrol.

• 1:09:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, she's going through a tou- yeah, she's going through a tough time and they're always like side

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, of course.

• 1:09:20Speaker 03

  Simping for a single mom. So, but then I just, then I just totally defunct on the house. Total, didn't pay it, then I was like, then I realized, it's over.

• 1:09:30Speaker 01

  They, they took it.

• 1:09:30Speaker 03

  They took it.

• 1:09:31Speaker 01

  You got foreclosed on.

• 1:09:32Speaker 03

  Uh, so I, I called the bank, the other one, the one with the billboard, there was, they were doing this thing called loan modifications.

• 1:09:38H. Foley?

  The other one with the billboard?

• 1:09:39Speaker 03

  The bill- yeah, right.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  I have such a distinct picture in my head.

• 1:09:42Speaker 03

  If you had 300,000, they could say, alright, you owe me 200,000. That was like a thing. They'd be like, alright, we're gonna erase 100. The day that one, I had a guy come buy me out for 300,000 on that one. My dad snagged all the money on that one.

• 1:09:54Speaker 01

  So there was 100,000 on top?

• 1:09:56Speaker 03

  There was 100.

• 1:09:56Speaker 01

  And your dad took?

• 1:09:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:57H. Foley?

  Why?

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  How'd your dad get involved?

• 1:09:58Speaker 03

  He was in a little bit of trouble.

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:10:00Speaker 03

  So he, he needed the bread.

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  Gotcha.

• 1:10:02H. Foley?

  Alright.

• 1:10:03Speaker 03

  And I was like, whatever, we didn't talk after that for a long time. This one, no loan mod. Bank of America was like, nah, we don't do that. And I was like, alright, well.

• 1:10:10Speaker 01

  You should talk to your voice of Chase.

• 1:10:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:12Speaker 01

  Now all of a sudden you just don't talk?

• 1:10:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know you're gonna be chasing me for a little while. You're chasing the keys for, and I was like, how long, and then I talked to my boy, I was like, how long until like the cops come? And they were like, probably a year. I was like, cool. I met my buddy Sam Hyde at the time and I was like, hey, you wanna do stand-up? He, I was, I was, started to do stand-up in the middle of all this.

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  Always, it's always like a fucking, you're like, you know what, let's make, let's make life easier, start trying to do stand-up comedy.

• 1:10:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, this'll be cool, so I went and I just did stand-up and my, I hated, I wanted to, I wanted to write for Saturday Night Live, that was like my dream. So I wrote a lot of sketches. And then I wanted to do a website for my landscaping company in the middle of this and I had my buddy Sam who went to RISD with my cousin, he was like, hey, he called me up and he's like, hey, do you still wanna do comedy? I was like, hell yeah. I was like, why don't you move your shit into my house? I have like a, you don't have to, like, we don't have to pay rent. We're gonna foreclose in this house, so we can, the electricity's on, we're gonna like crash this place out. Move in, sound guys, move in, so we had like two dudes, like, just people living in the house. It looked like this, this is what my living room looked like, for like six months, and all my friends who knew me, all my Guido friends would come, they're like, what the fuck are you doing here, Ochra? This is weird, you're like an Otsi guy now. And we were doing like weird videos.

• 1:11:19H. Foley?

  Watching videos?

• 1:11:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is fucking, you guys are weirdos.

• 1:11:22H. Foley?

  You're not gonna do scams no more?

• 1:11:24Speaker 01

  I got a pumping dumb scheme I'm working on.

• 1:11:27H. Foley?

  I got a teledialer. Can you believe it? Right when, again, right when the iron's hot.

• 1:11:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, so then we just started making comedy videos and then it was just, I foreclosed on the house and that was pretty much it.

• 1:11:40Speaker 01

  So you got a proper foreclosure on you?

• 1:11:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh yeah. No, my credit score went from like, you know, 700 to, it was like 401 or something. It was so low that my- 409. My cousin was like, dude, this is artfully bad. Like you are a criminal. You, this is like, you have to, this, this is hard to get this low. Like at your age, this is like, you should be impressed. This, you are a fucking loser in the eye of the bank. So they, they, they should throw you through the front doors of the bank by your like shirt collar.

• 1:12:09H. Foley?

  Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills.

• 1:12:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, just like, literally.

• 1:12:12H. Foley?

  So you sell the one, your dad gets that money. You deal with this.

• 1:12:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, now I'm like dead broke. I had a Harley to my name that I sold for five grand.

• 1:12:19H. Foley?

  Why? When did you get that?

• 1:12:20Speaker 03

  I bought it, uh, one of my dad's friends gave me a deal on a Harley. I bought it.

• 1:12:24Speaker 01

  I think I found the problem.

• 1:12:25H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:26Speaker 03

  It's, oh yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:27H. Foley?

  Did you know how to ride a motorcycle before that?

• 1:12:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, kinda. So I rode Harleys for like a half a year. It was fun. It was actually, I didn't like it that much. I built like a Harley with like this old Hell's Angel friend of my dad's. It was cool.

• 1:12:37Speaker 01

  What? When?

• 1:12:38Speaker 03

  Remember when like Choppers, remember like OCC was around?

• 1:12:40H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:41Speaker 01

  Shot at the ball toddle.

• 1:12:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, and like, uh, biker build off and like, uh, Detroit Brothers and all those guys were building.

• 1:12:47H. Foley?

  Man, the early 2000s really got there hooking you, bro.

• 1:12:49Speaker 03

  Oh dude, it was bad. Like fucking Maxim magazine was fucking in my blood. You know what I mean?

• 1:12:53Speaker 01

  Shot at a H M.

• 1:12:54Speaker 03

  I had to like drown my mother.

• 1:12:56H. Foley?

  Jennifer Love Hewitt.

• 1:12:58Speaker 03

  Yes. What you wouldn't have done for-

• 1:13:00H. Foley?

  Oh my god.

• 1:13:01Speaker 03

  Jamie Presley.

• 1:13:02H. Foley?

  Oh my god.

• 1:13:03Speaker 03

  Jamie Presley. She's in Rhode Island right now at Comic Con. I wanted to drive home last night. I was like, sorry hon, we're getting a divorce. I'm gonna go chase Jamie Presley to the convention.

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  I'm gonna go take my shot at the convention.

• 1:13:12Speaker 03

  Get him away from me. I'm like running at her like Borat. Pam Anderson putting a bag over.

• 1:13:19Speaker 03

  Running through. She was there, I found out, I was like, "What the fuck is she doing there?"

• 1:13:25Speaker 01

  I mean, you know.

• 1:13:26H. Foley?

  I think you're a genius.

• 1:13:27Speaker 03

  No, I was like, proper. No, no, this is all like, it was all like happenstance and believing, a little bit of faith will go a long way.

• 1:13:33H. Foley?

  No, you're a, he's, you're a super smart guy.

• 1:13:35Speaker 01

  Obviously, but used in the, I mean, you're very much of like-

• 1:13:39H. Foley?

  Twisted and evil.

• 1:13:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. You remind me very much of my father, which is not a good, uh-

• 1:13:44Speaker 03

  I'm proud of you, son.

• 1:13:45Speaker 01

  Listen, buddy-

• 1:13:46Speaker 03

  No matter what your mom says, I'm proud of you.

• 1:13:48Speaker 01

  Change your act, it don't end well.

• 1:13:50Speaker 03

  I just want you to know, after I pass, I just want to let you know, I've always, I tell everybody everywhere I go-

• 1:13:53Speaker 01

  You've been dead to me for years.

• 1:13:55Speaker 03

  I should've called you, every night I pull your phone number up, I stare at it, and I just don't have the balls to call you. I'm so proud of you.

• 1:14:01Speaker 01

  That's probably, probably dead on.

• 1:14:04Speaker 01

  That's probably fucking dead on.

• 1:14:06Speaker 03

  You know that song from Uncle Buck? I play that song, too.

• 1:14:09Speaker 01

  He's more of an Uncle Cracker kinda guy.

• 1:14:11H. Foley?

  Oh, cool.

• 1:14:13Speaker 01

  I mean, okay, well, we're gonna have to put, I mean, there's obviously, uh, you know, another seven episodes-

• 1:14:17H. Foley?

  I think you should move in here, to be honest with you.

• 1:14:19Speaker 01

  No, no, no, do not, no.

• 1:14:21Speaker 03

  I just have a lease for you guys to sign.

• 1:14:22Speaker 01

  And we're changing the locks, even though we've never even seen the keys.

• 1:14:25Speaker 03

  No, I wish.

• 1:14:26H. Foley?

  I mean-

• 1:14:26Speaker 01

  Make sure that Ring camera's working.

• 1:14:28H. Foley?

  I'm fucking, first of all, blown away.

• 1:14:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:30Speaker 03

  I, no, I mean, I'm sure everybody's got their fair share of shit, every, I think all comedians got shit.

• 1:14:35H. Foley?

  I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even keep up with what the hell was going on.

• 1:14:38Speaker 03

  I promise you, there's no elaboration, that is all unfortunately true.

• 1:14:40Speaker 01

  I don't have your wallet.

• 1:14:43Speaker 03

  All my hair's gone, you know what I mean, like, you know, it's just, there's a lot of evidence of like that, do you guys have bad tattoos?

• 1:14:49Speaker 01

  No, I never got, I never had the money for a bad tattoo.

• 1:14:51H. Foley?

  I'm sure you have plenty.

• 1:14:52Speaker 03

  I'm just gonna say, you know, don't you have a nice bad tattoo? No?

• 1:14:56H. Foley?

  Fat guy with a bad tattoo.

• 1:14:57Speaker 03

  I know, you don't have one, like, stupid, like, the little devil man or something?

• 1:15:00Speaker 01

  Cheeseburger or something?

• 1:15:01Speaker 03

  Tasmanian devil on your shoulder blade or something? Footprints of your dog or something?

• 1:15:06H. Foley?

  You got the Road Runner on my calf?

• 1:15:07Speaker 01

  You got the brain hands?

• 1:15:09Speaker 03

  Road Runner that says fuck you or something?

• 1:15:12H. Foley?

  I saw a guy yesterday, big fat guy with a lacrosse, like a lacrosse head, stick on the back of his calf. And I was like, I bet that guy sucked. Yeah.

• 1:15:22Speaker 01

  That goalie ring over there.

• 1:15:23H. Foley?

  For sure.

• 1:15:23Speaker 03

  Rapist.

• 1:15:25H. Foley?

  It had the Indian feather on it too. I was like, that guy stunk a lot.

• 1:15:28Speaker 03

  Oh, man. Yeah, bench rider.

• 1:15:31Speaker 01

  Well, well, obviously have, you know, I want to, before we, we gotta wrap it up, unfortunately. Um, what, uh, the St. Regis, you came with a bottle of water from the St. Regis Hotel. Which can we get, can we get a rate on a night at the St. Regis?

• 1:15:45Speaker 03

  Oh, it's, it's low right now.

• 1:15:47H. Foley?

  He knows these things.

• 1:15:49Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:15:49Speaker 03

  The St. Regis is, uh, it's points. It's Marriott, Bonvoy points.

• 1:15:53Speaker 01

  You're a Marriott?

• 1:15:53Speaker 03

  I'm married. I'm married. My wife say, uh, was a TJX buyer. She was a hotel person.

• 1:15:58Speaker 01

  I've learned this. I learned this on Storywall.

• 1:16:00H. Foley?

  Yeah. Who did you marry? That's what I want to know.

• 1:16:01Speaker 03

  Irish girl, just like his cousin.

• 1:16:04H. Foley?

  No, but.

• 1:16:04Speaker 03

  Jessica Quinn.

• 1:16:05H. Foley?

  What did she do?

• 1:16:06Speaker 03

  She was a buyer for TJX, Home Goods.

• 1:16:08Speaker 01

  That's the, that's the brand.

• 1:16:09Speaker 03

  That's like the big brand. So Home Goods, women's, uh, contemporaries and stuff like that.

• 1:16:13H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 1:16:14Speaker 03

  Cool job. Staying in hotels a lot. We end up meeting in an antique store. I end up selling antiques in the middle of that. I end up buying another house at tax sale, which is another story for another time. But I, I sell antiques with her. I open an antique store. I say, listen, I'm a straight guy that sells antiques. Find me a girlfriend to the little lady that runs the store. She goes, okay, no problem. Sure as shit. Week later, she's like, there's a girl over there.

• 1:16:34H. Foley?

  Wait, you were buying antiques before, before him, before you met her?

• 1:16:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:16:38H. Foley?

  Why?

• 1:16:39Speaker 03

  I went to an auction by accident, an antiques auction. I was looking online and I was at a weird flea market. And the guy goes, come to my auction on Mondays. You'll steal shit. And I said, okay. And then I went there and I started stealing shit, like just dollar for stuff. And I was like, this is cool. This is cool. This is cool. And I started selling it in antiques while I'm making like an extra 500 a week. And I started running, uh, yard sales out in the front of my yard. That's always for closing on the other one. And I was making another 500. 22, 3?

• 1:17:05H. Foley?

  Yard sales?

• 1:17:05Speaker 03

  Yard sales, Protomont, Craigslist, and you can make like an extra nickel a week.

• 1:17:09Speaker 01

  Anybody calls it a nickel?

• 1:17:11H. Foley?

  Have you ever done anything normal?

• 1:17:13Speaker 03

  I sold cars. I like, I sold cars a lot in the middle. I sold for Acura, I sold for Mercedes Benz for three years. I was like a, I was a good Mercedes Benz sale. I sold 300 cars a year, you know?

• 1:17:21H. Foley?

  I don't think there's anything you probably can't do.

• 1:17:23Speaker 03

  I have a lot of miles on me. I'm like a, I'm like a fucking whore.

• 1:17:25H. Foley?

  How old are you now?

• 1:17:26Speaker 03

  Forty-one.

• 1:17:27H. Foley?

  Forty-one?

• 1:17:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:28Speaker 01

  You look pretty good.

• 1:17:29H. Foley?

  You're great.

• 1:17:29Speaker 03

  Ah, you, I'd take my shirt off. My, my, my body will tell you differently.

• 1:17:32Speaker 01

  This is a shirt on podcast. I don't know.

• 1:17:34H. Foley?

  It's all bad tattoos.

• 1:17:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's all bad tattoos. You put your, like, two fingers on my liver, you're like, dude, get to the hospital right now. I'll give you an ambulance ride. Yeah.

• 1:17:41Speaker 01

  Visible hernias?

• 1:17:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, I have like, blood, I have John, I have Michael Jordan eyes.

• 1:17:45H. Foley?

  So you're staying at the St. Regis?

• 1:17:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:48Speaker 01

  What's the, so, is that purely on points?

• 1:17:50Speaker 03

  That's, yeah, it's usually on points. I'm, I, you come a little bit of a hotel slut? Like, I like hotels. You guys stay, must stay in nice hotels.

• 1:17:56Speaker 01

  We don't stay in nice hotels.

• 1:17:57H. Foley?

  We do a Hampton and-

• 1:17:58Speaker 03

  Don't you have a tour bus?

• 1:17:59Speaker 01

  No, we, I mean, we rented a tour bus.

• 1:18:01Speaker 03

  You know how much a tour bus is?

• 1:18:02Speaker 01

  We've rented, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:03Speaker 03

  That's, that's, that's crazier than any St. Regis.

• 1:18:05H. Foley?

  We have a conversion van that we own.

• 1:18:07Speaker 01

  We bought it, we bought it fully loaded from Fred Bean. Shut up Fred Bean.

• 1:18:10H. Foley?

  Shut up Fred Bean.

• 1:18:10Speaker 01

  Uh, fully loaded conversion van.

• 1:18:11H. Foley?

  I hope you gave it to him for invoice, less cost of Sherwood conversion.

• 1:18:14Speaker 01

  He didn't. We didn't even get a deal.

• 1:18:16Speaker 03

  Unbelievable. What's the interest rate if you don't mind me asking?

• 1:18:17H. Foley?

  Should've called him when we were done.

• 1:18:18Speaker 03

  Damn it.

• 1:18:19Speaker 01

  I didn't know, of course.

• 1:18:19Speaker 03

  I could've snagged you. I could've got a Mercedes a couple of months ago for 83 grand, one of those $200,000 ones. I have a Sprinter van I bought.

• 1:18:25Speaker 01

  You got a Sprinter?

• 1:18:26Speaker 03

  I bought a Sprinter, yeah.

• 1:18:26H. Foley?

  Who's driving it?

• 1:18:27Speaker 03

  Me.

• 1:18:28H. Foley?

  What are you do- doing with, for, for Scuffed Realtor Tourist Life?

• 1:18:31Speaker 01

  Oh, you drive, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I drive. Kinda like you guys. I'm not in a provost or prevost like you guys are.

• 1:18:35Speaker 01

  No, we're in a, no, that, no, we're, we're usually in the Chevy Express, and then it was modified by-

• 1:18:41H. Foley?

  Chevy Explorer.

• 1:18:42Speaker 01

  No, it was modified by Explorer.

• 1:18:43Speaker 03

  With a high roof.

• 1:18:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, we got the high roof, with the window, big TV, captain's chairs.

• 1:18:47Speaker 03

  What'd they get you for that, a buck, buck oh-five?

• 1:18:49Speaker 01

  Ninety.

• 1:18:49H. Foley?

  Ninety. Hot!

• 1:18:51Speaker 01

  It's a 2003, don't tell nobody.

• 1:18:53Speaker 03

  Oh, is it champagne color? What color is it?

• 1:18:55Speaker 01

  Nah, navy blue.

• 1:18:56Speaker 03

  Navy blue, oh.

• 1:18:57H. Foley?

  Nick, can I tell you something? I love you, man.

• 1:18:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:00H. Foley?

  You're like, now one of my favorite people of all time.

• 1:19:02Speaker 03

  I'm here anytime you guys, you guys are the best. I knew, I heard, I've heard nothing but, uh, good things about you guys always, so I was really, really looking forward to doing it. As soon as you said it, I was like, yes, I'll be there Monday.

• 1:19:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did not disappoint. He's like, what time? 11:30? 11:39?

• 1:19:14Speaker 03

  I got my kids in the car. I made the mistake of bringing my kids and my wife.

• 1:19:16H. Foley?

  You have kids?

• 1:19:17Speaker 03

  I have two kids. You have two daughters.

• 1:19:19H. Foley?

  You brought them here with you?

• 1:19:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're at the, the hotel. They're at, yeah, they're, yeah, they're eating fucking, uh, yeah.

• 1:19:24H. Foley?

  They're buying-

• 1:19:24Speaker 03

  Beef bourguignon right now.

• 1:19:25H. Foley?

  They're buying counterfeit bags at Times Square.

• 1:19:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. My, my, my luck, my wife will be like, she's probably in the back of a cab right now, but, uh, she's, yeah, she probably had sex. I was like, just go buy, sell something stupid. I went to FAO Schwartz this morning with my kid. I snuck in the back door of the line. That was a good idea.

• 1:19:40H. Foley?

  Steal.

• 1:19:41Speaker 03

  I tried to, yeah, I know. I stole the people's time because there was a line and then I saw this like gypsy lady just opening the door, walking in the back door and I was like, "Hold it for me!" And I just ran in with my daughter. Cause it was like an hour line.

• 1:19:52Speaker 01

  You're fucking insane, dude.

• 1:19:53Speaker 03

  No, you got it with the kids.

• 1:19:55Speaker 01

  I can't with these kids. Don't get me started with these kids.

• 1:19:57Speaker 03

  My daughter screamed literally. I was like, "Maybe I should have been single."

• 1:19:59Speaker 01

  Every time with you two.

• 1:20:00Speaker 03

  Yeah. Ruining my life!

• 1:20:02H. Foley?

  I mean, we got, we got Scuffed Realtor.

• 1:20:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:05H. Foley?

  We got million dollar.

• 1:20:06Speaker 01

  You're on tour right now.

• 1:20:06H. Foley?

  On tour right now, Million Dollar Extreme. We got, uh, the podcast, Perfect Life, Perfect Guy Life.

• 1:20:12Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 1:20:12H. Foley?

  With Sam Hyde.

• 1:20:13Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 1:20:14H. Foley?

  You got the fucking, the furniture store.

• 1:20:16Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 1:20:17Speaker 01

  Shimonix House.

• 1:20:18H. Foley?

  Shimonix House.

• 1:20:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, antique rugs. If you want a, if you want a thirty-five thousand dollar rug for six grand, you call me. You can go into a place like ABC Carpet and Home, you're gonna talk to them, they're not gonna be nice to you, they don't give a shit about you. You call me, you show me something you like, I'll give you the exact copy for twenty-two cents on the dollar compared to an ABC Carpet and Home, south of any of this shit. You call me. The real ones, not the fake ones. Um, shop it to high hell. Shop me all over the world, I don't care, I'm the cheapest in the world on the internet and I'm a nice guy about it, I'll take it, I'll take it back in just a restock fee, you can keep it. It doesn't depreciate, treat it like a Rolex watch.

• 1:20:48H. Foley?

  Whoa, he just went into it right there.

• 1:20:51Speaker 03

  That's right. You need it. I'll get you guys one.

• 1:20:54H. Foley?

  I just wanna be friends with you.

• 1:20:55Speaker 03

  I got it, no problem.

• 1:20:55Speaker 01

  There was bloodstains on that rug when you got it, by the way.

• 1:20:57Speaker 03

  But it wasn't for me, it was from the Sultan.

• 1:21:00H. Foley?

  The business is doing well though, you're doing good stuff.

• 1:21:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's pretty, it's pretty popular. Turns out when you don't try to gouge people and you, you don't try to go like Nazem Yal and all these people that are just big, big dogs over here on Fifth Avenue, and you're pretty decent, you can, you can be cheap.

• 1:21:12Speaker 01

  I'm just an honest man trying to make a buck in this world.

• 1:21:14H. Foley?

  Trying to help feed my daughters, you know what I mean? Just help me feed my daughter.

• 1:21:17Speaker 01

  Sneaking that for you, Schwartz.

• 1:21:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:19H. Foley?

  That's, it works. Nick Rosford, everybody.

• 1:21:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, what a fucking, what a fucking journey.

• 1:21:23H. Foley?

  Man, what a fucking clinic.

• 1:21:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:25H. Foley?

  You are fucking awesome.

• 1:21:26Speaker 03

  No, you guys are the best. Thank you so much.

• 1:21:27Speaker 01

  Appreciate you, brother.

• 1:21:28H. Foley?

  But you are one hundred and twenty, you're a hundred and twenty-nine percent fucking garbage.

• 1:21:35Speaker 03

  Yes. Perfect.

• 1:21:37Speaker 01

  Ah, baby.

• 1:21:38H. Foley?

  Anything else you wanna plug? I didn't even want them to know.

• 1:21:40Speaker 03

  No, just, uh, shimonixhouse.com for Scuffed Realtor tickets. We do the show live, you send me a real estate listing, I give it a thumbs up, a thumbs down, maybe it's good, maybe it's bad. A little bit, you can ask me car sales, anything you want. We're live, we're doing big, big places, small places, 50 seats, 200 seats, one seat, two, I don't know. Who the fuck knows? I just started touring with you guys, I don't, I don't really know how to do it, I'm not a stand-up comedian, so we'll figure it out.

• 1:22:00Speaker 01

  It looks, outside in, it looks awesome, the vibe, the videos and the stories that I see, it looks so fu- It, it looks very cool and very unique.

• 1:22:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, we have a good time.

• 1:22:10Speaker 01

  It's kinda like punk rock, it's got a good, there's a good energy to it.

• 1:22:13Speaker 03

  It's a fun thing, I want it to be weird and strange. I'll be with you guys next week at Skank Fest.

• 1:22:17Speaker 01

  Yeah!

• 1:22:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, we'll get Turr up, we'll go to Brennan's, we'll eat turtles.

• 1:22:20Speaker 01

  Alright, I might have to, I might be busy that day.

• 1:22:23Speaker 03

  Nah, it's gonna be delicious.

• 1:22:26H. Foley?

  He brings his own turtle.

• 1:22:28Speaker 01

  22 cents on a dollar, I ain't paying you box prices.

• 1:22:32H. Foley?

  Holy shit, Nick Groshard, everybody.

• 1:22:34Speaker 01

  Big round of applause.

• 1:22:35H. Foley?

  Unbelievable, Kippee, what do you got for him?

• 1:22:37Speaker 01

  Uh, guys, we're on the road, tickets available at RUGarbers.com, we see you out there.

• 1:22:41H. Foley?

  Gang, we love you, Nick, we fucking love you, and we'll see you next week. Bye, bye.

• 1:22:46Speaker 05

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