Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast Wicked Garbage w/ Joe List & Tom Dustin! About this episode Are You Garbage presents stand up comedians and podcast hosts Joe List & Tom Dustin! We're talking growing up in used car lots, Boston Trash and the hit movie "Portrait of a Comedian". You know Joe List & Tom Dustin from Stand up Comedy, Tuesdays with Stories w/ Mark Normand, The Joe Rogan Experience, We Might Be Drunk, Stavvy's World, Soder Podcast, Bertcast, Honeydew, and Portrait of a Comedian with Tom Dustin! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
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Transcript 12,909 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 H. Foley? Hear ye, hear ye, the good people of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. The boys are coming for that Back on the Block Tour. We added second shows and they're selling fast.
0:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, baby. April 14th, we're gonna be at the Pittsburgh Improv. And then April 16th, we're gonna be at Hilarities in Cleveland. Tickets are going fast. The first show's sold out, second show's now. High demand, get the tickets. We'll see you there.
0:19 H. Foley? See you there.
0:20 Speaker 02 Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
0:40 H. Foley? Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
0:47 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
0:48 H. Foley? It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy. Or just a big old piece of trash.
0:54 Speaker 01 Trash, trash, trash.
0:55 H. Foley? I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toody's in a new addition. And she's in the backyard burning some leaves.
1:01 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:02 H. Foley? Getting a head start.
1:03 Speaker 01 All right. Wait, isn't it the spring? Okay.
1:06 H. Foley? Say, kooky broad.
1:07 Speaker 01 All right.
1:08 H. Foley? My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, asking a lot of questions about Toody. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wad world. And I love him. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
1:20 Speaker 01 What up, gang? Uh, please make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available on Spotify now. Go over there, check that out. Part of the partnership or something. I don't know, probably getting screwed somehow. Also, patreon.com/areyougarbage. Go over there, get all that bonus content, gang.
1:34 H. Foley? Yes, sir, and gang, we couldn't be more excited to have two incredibly special guests here with us today. One is here for the first time. They are the star and director of the brand new documentary Portrait of a Comedian, Mr. Tom Dustin and Mr. Joe List. The boys are here. Beautiful film, by the way.
1:54 Speaker 01 Thank you.
1:54 H. Foley? We got to go to the premiere. It's gonna be in select theaters. And if you're in Philadelphia, it's gonna be at the Ritz Five in Philly, starting May 9th. And if you're in New York City, it's gonna be at the Quad Cinema, starting April 25th. Do yourself a favor. Go and see it. It's beautiful, it's heartwarming, it's funny, it's fantastic. And we have the star and the director here today, and we couldn't be more excited.
2:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't like, I don't like star. I'm the subject. I was the subject. Sounds like it's a science experiment.
2:24 H. Foley? MK Ultra Dustin.
2:25 Speaker 01 They were doing tests on me at the lab.
2:28 Speaker 03 No one ever becomes a star because of a documentary.
2:32 H. Foley? That's not true. Jared Foley, he became a big star.
2:36 Speaker 03 No, that's what I mean. The qualifiers are dead or in jail.
2:40 Speaker 04 Sure.
2:40 Speaker 01 You got a lot of stuff coming up. It is fantastic. It was one of those where I saw it and I was like, it stuck with me for like, days.
2:48 H. Foley? Yes.
2:49 Speaker 01 It was that, it was that well done.
2:50 H. Foley? And we had never met you. That was the first time we got to meet you. And you are a legendary figure in the comedy world.
2:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, I really, really managed to do 20 years of really staying under the radar.
3:02 Speaker 04 Playing it cool.
3:03 Speaker 03 All the comics are like, "Oh, you're really funny. You should be something like, nah."
3:07 H. Foley? Mysterious.
3:08 Speaker 03 Not for me.
3:09 H. Foley? How did this come about, by the way? How did you guys, you guys started together in Boston, right?
3:14 Speaker 03 Yeah. A quarter of a century ago.
3:16 H. Foley? A quarter of a century.
3:18 Speaker 03 I walked into an open mic night. I saw Joe up on stage. He was hilarious. And he had a really, really hot girlfriend. And I was like, this guy, this guy must be doing something right.
3:28 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
3:28 H. Foley? Is that true Joe List? Hot chick?
3:30 Speaker 03 I had some really, don't judge based on my wife now.
3:34 H. Foley? What are you talking about? Be silly.
3:36 Speaker 03 I used to, Sarah's a hot ticket herself.
3:39 H. Foley? Smoke show. We love her.
3:40 Speaker 03 Smart, smoking hot, broad, great body, nice tits, perfect butt.
3:44 H. Foley? One of the funniest.
3:45 Speaker 01 She's got a great body, buddy.
3:46 Speaker 03 She's got a great.
3:47 Speaker 01 That's one of my favorite delivery lines. Slap someone in the back.
3:52 Speaker 03 Also a line I use the most maybe is Kramer going, "All right, show's over." But anyways, yeah, I had, I had some hot numbers and in high, I started in high school, fresh out of high school.
4:03 H. Foley? And how old were you when you started?
4:04 Speaker 03 I was 25.
4:06 Speaker 01 And what's, what's the age difference?
4:07 Speaker 03 Seven years.
4:08 Speaker 01 Okay, here's the time, you're seven years older.
4:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
4:11 H. Foley? Are you a seasoned vet somewhat in Boston at this time?
4:14 Speaker 03 Uh, no, I mean, no, we were just starting out. Like, I started when, I started when I was 25.
4:19 H. Foley? Okay, all right.
4:21 Speaker 03 He had started just before me. I think he started just a little bit before you. Like a month, month or two.
4:25 H. Foley? Okay.
4:26 Speaker 03 And, uh...
4:27 H. Foley? What grade are you in in high school when you start? You start your senior year?
4:30 Speaker 03 No, I graduate and I, which I still, this is what I tell every young comic if they want to do comedy. I say, "Start now." Because no matter when you start, you wish you started earlier. Because I started after I graduated. Looking back, I was like, I could have totally just done this in high school also.
4:44 H. Foley? Right.
4:44 Speaker 03 So I was a kid. I was 18. And then I met Tom. And, uh, Tom was... You know, partied and I was like, I like this guy.
4:52 Speaker 01 That's how you guys, that was the bonding.
4:53 Speaker 03 Well, yeah, do you want to?
4:54 Speaker 04 We drank a lot and I don't know, we do crazy shit and steal shit and go to strip joints and...
5:01 Speaker 03 Well, Tom.
5:02 Speaker 01 To call it a strip joint is old school.
5:05 Speaker 03 Oh, we loved, we went to T-bar's all the time and we had fucking speed dial strippers that came to our house.
5:10 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, that was pretty awesome. Like, we would do it so regularly that the, it was like an in-call service. They would come to your house and like, we'd get the double, you know, you save if you get an extra stripper.
5:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:22 Speaker 01 Uh, so.
5:23 Speaker 03 Extra stripper?
5:24 Speaker 04 And so we would get two girls to come over and they, they would tell stories about our house instead of the other way around. Like, we, we weren't like the next day like, "Oh, wasn't that fucking crazy?" The strippers were like, "That was fucking crazy."
5:37 Speaker 03 It was wild, but I remember one of our first times hanging, Tom worked at a car lot, had like a used car lot.
5:43 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
5:43 Speaker 03 From the age of three to thirty.
5:45 Speaker 01 You had, what do you mean had a used car?
5:47 Speaker 03 I grew up on a used car lot and...
5:48 H. Foley? I think they talk about this in, you talk about it in the documentary.
5:51 Speaker 01 That's right, I forgot, yeah.
5:52 Speaker 04 Yeah, you're not gonna have to ask any of those garbage questions. I opened, I grew up on a used car lot.
5:57 Speaker 01 Okay, what was, what was the building of the car lot? Was it just like a trailer, like one of those?
6:02 Speaker 04 It was my, there was many iterations of it. Originally, originally it was, uh, my father had, I grew up on my father's used car lot and then he sold that, we got a different one and then when I was old enough, I kinda ran the car lot because he was crazy. Uh, which if you watch the movie, I'd mention how crazy my father was.
6:21 H. Foley? How were you at selling cars? Pretty good?
6:23 Speaker 04 I was pretty good. I actually...
6:24 Speaker 03 Come on.
6:25 Speaker 01 That's a guy, dude, if you're in Boston and you're in the market for a used car, that's the guy you wanna buy off.
6:30 Speaker 03 He could sell water to a dolphin, this guy.
6:34 Speaker 01 What do you say we get a couple of bees?
6:36 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:37 H. Foley? You like strippers?
6:40 Speaker 04 I sold a car to a stripper. Uh, to the one that we used to visit up on...
6:44 Speaker 03 Bethany, Body Glove Girl.
6:45 Speaker 04 Body Glove Girl, yeah.
6:47 H. Foley? You two are a couple of creeps.
6:48 Speaker 01 To say visit, seems like she kept her clothes on all the time.
6:51 Speaker 04 Well, we would walk in the strip club and it would be like midday, there's no one in there and she's on stage and there's one dollar on the stage and we'd walk in and she would just fucking have a party and start like celebrating our arrival.
7:04 H. Foley? Couple of high rollers like you.
7:05 Speaker 04 No, we weren't high rollers.
7:07 H. Foley? I'm aware of that.
7:10 Speaker 01 Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't rolling in there with a lot of cash.
7:13 Speaker 03 Well, the best one was, we went to the Squire. No, it wasn't the Squire, it was the other one, the Cab, the Cabaret. There was the Squire, which we called the Squid, and the Cabaret, which we called the Cab. And then there was King Arthur's, and we can't talk about that on YouTube.
7:24 H. Foley? This is what the two of you were doing?
7:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, a lot. But we went there, it was New Year's Eve Eve, and they opened at noon. And we got there at like 11:55, and the guy was like, alright, no one's here, but you can come in. So we sat at the bar and put our dollars on the stage, and literally, this sounds made up. A stripper walked in in a fur coat with a scarf, and I yelled, "Ready when you are." We beat the strippers to it.
7:48 Speaker 01 I'm wicked hot over here.
7:50 Speaker 04 There was no music playing.
7:52 Speaker 03 We were just sitting around.
7:53 H. Foley? Are you dating this hot chick when you were going to the strip club?
7:56 Speaker 03 No, no, that was my high school girlfriend. Once she saw me with him, she was like, "I'll see you later."
8:01 Speaker 01 Also, Joe's 18, hanging out with a horny 25-year-old.
8:04 H. Foley? And you two lived together?
8:06 Speaker 03 Yes.
8:06 H. Foley? That's where you had the strippers come over?
8:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:09 H. Foley? And you would just have them, without getting too graphic, you'd just have them do a dance free, and that's it?
8:14 Speaker 01 Are you hooking up with these broads?
8:15 Speaker 03 No, no, no.
8:17 Speaker 04 No, we had a little, we had a-
8:18 Speaker 01 The way they said that was for sure.
8:20 H. Foley? I was gonna say, why don't I just get a hooker?
8:22 Speaker 04 No, no, no, it was funnier, like, we just, because none of us had any money, so if you get eight guys, and everyone throws up 20 bucks, you can get these broads to show up at your house.
8:32 Speaker 01 He's saying it like he's cracked the goat.
8:33 Speaker 04 And so, we would do that, and we even had it set up where-
8:37 Speaker 01 These broads will come over your house.
8:38 Speaker 04 We had a karaoke machine, and my buddy Dave would, he'd call the dance like a play-by-play. Like, "Now she's putting the dildo on her head, and blah, blah, blah."
8:51 Speaker 01 I think I know her.
8:51 Speaker 04 It was pretty awesome. He would do a strip club DJ in my house through a karaoke machine.
8:57 Speaker 03 Every once in a while, a different girl would come, because we had regular girls. One would come and go, "Alright, we gotta get this thing started. Where's the bachelor? Where's the ba-" Well, like, "Oh no, no bachelor."
9:06 Speaker 01 It's Tuesday, Tony.
9:07 Speaker 03 We're not celebrating anything. No Bachelor.
9:10 Speaker 01 Couple of horn dogs.
9:11 Speaker 03 And didn't they leave one time with a CD tray and hours?
9:15 Speaker 04 No, that was, that was something different.
9:17 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
9:18 Speaker 04 That was something different.
9:18 Speaker 03 That was my, uh, oh, yeah.
9:21 Speaker 04 We ended up paying, uh, some strippers, we'll call them strippers.
9:25 Speaker 03 Sure.
9:26 Speaker 04 Uh, we paid them in like old CDs and a couple of Madden games.
9:30 Speaker 01 She must have been a good looking girl.
9:32 Speaker 04 And a giant change jar. We had a bunch of change.
9:35 Speaker 01 And supporters at the bottom of that.
9:37 Speaker 04 And a mirror, like, she was like, I like that mirror. And I was like, you can have it. And they just, they were walking out of our house with bags of change and CDs.
9:44 Speaker 03 Do you play Call of Duty at all?
9:48 Speaker 04 But that's how, that's how we paid them. We figured out once they got there, we didn't have enough money. So they just took shit from around our apartment.
9:54 Speaker 03 Holy shit. Yeah, there's a lot of stories.
9:56 H. Foley? And where did, where did the, uh, where did, where did the birth of, of the film come in? Where, where, where did you decide that you wanted to do this?
10:02 Speaker 03 Well, I've been, I always want to make film and, and, and.
10:06 Speaker 01 The birth of the film.
10:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
10:07 Speaker 01 Man, this program has changed. The birth of the film. Shut up. How'd you think of the movie?
10:15 H. Foley? He's goddamn filmmaker.
10:16 Speaker 03 The inception of the, the film and, uh, how much time do we have? I guess, turn the lights down, but leave mine on if you could. No, it was just, uh, you know, you want, I want to make.
10:25 Speaker 01 There I was.
10:26 Speaker 03 I want to make films.
10:27 H. Foley? Please support garbage television, ladies and gentlemen. We can send you a free tote bag.
10:30 Speaker 03 I just always thought.
10:33 Speaker 01 Getting off the rails.
10:33 Speaker 03 Tom, I'm in it. I'm trying to really sell the picture. Just tell them about the picture.
10:41 Speaker 01 Just shoot the movie so we can get out of the street.
10:44 Speaker 03 Um, Jerry, just tell them about the picture. What's the matter with you? Uh, anyways, I just thought Tom would be a great subject and I, I nailed it. I was right. Which is all I really did was thought Tom will be great and hilarious. And we have so many great stories and originally the idea was to just roll camera on Tom hanging out, telling stories. And then we kind of decided to incorporate some of his stand-up and then some of him running the club because he, he's the proprietor of the Comedy Key West.
11:10 Speaker 01 Right.
11:11 Speaker 03 And then we just started telling our stories, then we started talking mental health and about our friendship and life and what it means to be successful and it blossomed into this whole other thing, which is when we were going down there, I just took Matt Salacuse and Patrick Holbert, you might know those guys.
11:24 H. Foley? Yeah, of course, shout out to Salacuse.
11:26 Speaker 03 And I said, "You guys, you just shoot, I don't know what the movie," which is very annoying if you're hired as a DP and a...I go, "I don't know what the movie is, but you guys roll tape and then we'll figure it out after," and Tom just gave us so much hilarious stuff and touching stuff and moving, it's really a great film about mental health and friendship and comedy, there's so much comedy.
11:47 Speaker 01 It is, it's also not the vehicle, like the vehicle is him just hanging out, it feels like you're having a beer with Tom and it's not like, I mean you are, you're having multiple cocktails throughout the movie with Tom, but it just feel, it doesn't feel like, it's not heavy-handed in any way, it's just like you're talking to this guy who's endearing and you want to talk to and he's telling great stories.
12:06 H. Foley? And it's also, sorry, it's also a story about, I mean it's the bothy, it's your relationship, it's both of you guys starting out in Boston and then it's you coming to New York and Tom deciding to go down to Key West, opens up the club and lives that life.
12:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:21 H. Foley? It's very endearing.
12:22 Speaker 03 It's really fun and I just quickly, because I want to get back to funny stories, but I fucked up.
12:26 H. Foley? Oh, please.
12:27 Speaker 03 I fucked up. When you say it like that, "Yeah, you moved to New York and then Tom..."
12:31 H. Foley? I was trying to sugarcoat it a little bit.
12:33 Speaker 03 "...I really fucked up. I really fucked up." "No, you did great, it's great, we're here now."
12:39 H. Foley? Yeah, what are you talking about?
12:41 Speaker 03 A lot of people get success in their 50s.
12:44 H. Foley? Yeah.
12:45 Speaker 01 He's 50.
12:46 H. Foley? I didn't start comedy until I was 32.
12:47 Speaker 03 That's embarrassing.
12:48 H. Foley? And I had no strippers.
12:51 Speaker 03 But we didn't do any, if you're thinking like, "Oh, there's a document," we didn't do any, it's very, it's cinema verite, if you will.
12:58 H. Foley? I understand.
12:59 Speaker 03 There was no lighting, there's no smoke, and we didn't do anything again, "Oh, let's take that again, let's get a shot of Tom walking in," we just rolled camera on us, rolling, living our lives.
13:10 H. Foley? It's beautiful, it's fantastic.
13:11 Speaker 03 Jimmy Buffett's in it.
13:13 H. Foley? Jimmy Buffett is in it.
13:14 Speaker 03 His last film appearance.
13:15 H. Foley? We think, yes.
13:16 Speaker 03 No, it's confirmed.
13:17 H. Foley? It's confirmed, that was him riding by on the bike?
13:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's confirmed at the very last second of the film, it's the big surprise.
13:23 H. Foley? We want to get to the whole, we want to get to the whole Key West lifestyle, but first time, we gotta put you through the wringer a little bit.
13:29 Speaker 01 Yes.
13:29 H. Foley? Um, so give us, give us the, the full backstory of Tom Dustin, the origin story. So where were you born?
13:35 Speaker 04 Born in, uh, Malden, Massachusetts, just north of Boston.
13:39 H. Foley? That's enough, thank you, sir.
13:40 Speaker 04 North shore, uh, Everett, Revere, Chelsea.
13:43 Speaker 01 What's, what's better? I don't know. What is it north shore or south shore better?
13:46 Speaker 04 It's pretty much the same. It's, uh, just north and south of the, of Boston. It's like blue collar kinda suburbs.
13:54 H. Foley? Brothers and sisters?
13:55 Speaker 04 Uh, I got an older and a younger sister.
13:57 H. Foley? Okay.
13:58 Speaker 04 And my older sister is a janitor for the post office.
14:01 H. Foley? Nice.
14:02 Speaker 04 She loves it.
14:02 Speaker 03 At a smoke show.
14:04 Speaker 01 Really?
14:05 Speaker 04 Interchecked, yes.
14:06 Speaker 01 You don't really run into that many hot female janitors.
14:08 Speaker 04 That's why I wanted to notice.
14:11 Speaker 01 Duly.
14:12 Speaker 04 She, uh, she got pregnant. Well, she, I don't know why I said it like that either, so.
14:17 Speaker 01 Tell you're just spilling the beans.
14:20 Speaker 04 Uh, she got, uh, pregnant. She was a mail carrier. She got pregnant, so she couldn't carry the mail anymore. They put her, she wants to keep working, so. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. And then, and a long story short, she's a, she took the janitor job temporarily and then fucking loved it. She was like, I gotta clean one bathroom and I get a government salary.
14:36 H. Foley? Okay.
14:37 Speaker 04 Uh, and blah, blah, blah. So my younger sister is a karate instructor. She's, uh, she's, no, she's a black, double, triple black belt in karate. She's had, she's had lunches and symposiums.
14:49 Speaker 01 Sounds like they're your brothers, dude. I've never met female karate instructors.
14:53 Speaker 03 That is funny. I never thought of that.
14:54 Speaker 04 I'm the girliest one in my family.
14:56 Speaker 01 Those are two like guy jobs.
14:57 Speaker 04 Yeah, I'm the girliest one in my family.
14:59 H. Foley? Does she have her own dojo?
15:01 Speaker 04 Uh, she does. Well, it just burnt down, but, uh. It just.
15:05 Speaker 03 Little Jewish lightning, if you know what I mean.
15:09 Speaker 01 Okay.
15:10 Speaker 04 But yeah, she, uh.
15:11 H. Foley? Hey, sorry about the fire. It's Thursday.
15:14 Speaker 04 She has, uh, like lunch with fucking Chuck Norris all the time.
15:17 Speaker 01 Why?
15:18 Speaker 04 I swear, well, not all the time, but, uh, you know, she's been to many breakfasts and lunches with Chuck Norris.
15:25 Speaker 01 Okay. All right.
15:27 Speaker 04 All right. But yeah, anyway.
15:28 H. Foley? All right. And so your dad owned a, uh, a used car lot?
15:32 Speaker 04 He was a used car.
15:33 Speaker 01 And mom was a welder.
15:35 Speaker 04 No, my mother actually, she was more on the technical side of, do you remember when in the old days you could roll back odometers to make cars, to make cars work more?
15:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, I guess if you're selling.
15:47 Speaker 04 My mother, my mother was the best in the business at it. My mother could roll back any odometer and other dealerships would call, this is back in the 80s.
15:55 H. Foley? Can we just get a quick Google on the statute of limitations?
15:58 Speaker 04 This is in the 80s, but my mother would roll back the odometer.
16:03 Speaker 01 Allegedly.
16:04 Speaker 04 She's a little tiny lady, she'd get up under the dashboard and pull it apart and fucking that, she even figured out how to do the, when they first came out with the digitals, she used a 9 volt battery and she'd just tap, tap, tap until it rolled over and then it would have the miles she wanted on it.
16:19 H. Foley? Alright, so was the, was the business successful, like was your dad doing well?
16:23 Speaker 04 Uh, it was for a bunch of years and then, uh, he got crazy, he went crazy.
16:29 H. Foley? Okay.
16:29 Speaker 04 Uh, and so the, the business kind of floundered after that.
16:33 H. Foley? Until you got old enough and when you were running it was a?
16:35 Speaker 04 Yeah, well, yeah, so the business went away.
16:37 H. Foley? Okay.
16:38 Speaker 04 And then he went into the nut house for a couple of years and he was kind of incapacitated for a couple of years.
16:44 H. Foley? Gotcha.
16:44 Speaker 04 And then he and my cousin and my father, my uncle, we all opened a new car dealership and, uh, that didn't last very long.
16:53 H. Foley? Did you put in on that, like were you one of the owners?
16:55 Speaker 04 Yeah, I was one of the owners.
16:56 H. Foley? No kidding?
16:56 Speaker 04 Yeah, but I was, you know, I was young, I was just starting out in comedy, so I didn't really give a shit that much and we were really selling sleds, you know, we were selling.
17:05 Speaker 01 Selling sleds, god damn that's good.
17:08 Speaker 04 Cement mixes, you know, just fucking pieces of shit.
17:11 Speaker 01 But they only had 12 miles on it. 23 accidents, 12 miles.
17:16 H. Foley? It's a Model T.
17:19 Speaker 01 You got a 46 Ford with 14 miles on it.
17:22 H. Foley? That's all highway too.
17:25 H. Foley? Garage, Kev, Kev, let's talk about Acorns.
17:27 Speaker 01 Shout out to Acorns gang.
17:29 H. Foley? More importantly about that Acorns early, let's talk, let's go back a little bit. Who taught you about money?
17:34 Speaker 01 No one.
17:35 H. Foley? Who taught you how to save?
17:35 Speaker 01 No one.
17:36 H. Foley? Uh, did you have an allowance, were you, some of that get put away? My brother does the smart thing, if the kid makes a little money, he puts it away for him.
17:43 Speaker 01 Smart.
17:44 H. Foley? I'm talking about this Acorns early. Get a little cash going, get a little dividends going for him. Gang, Acorns Early is a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of a dollar. Acorns Early Chore Tracker teaches kids that hard work pays off. Man, that is smart business right there.
18:03 Speaker 01 You can just set up the chores in the app, select the payment amount and tick off the chore when it's done. Acorns Early lets parents pay allowances automatically. No more rubbaging around for cash. Automatically we'll send allowance to your kid's account with just a few taps. Beep, boop, bop, boop. Listen, I am a big proponent of Acorns. It's been the only way I've been able to save money. I wish someone told me before I was close to 40 about money, but they did not.
18:27 H. Foley? We just talked about it yesterday. I told you that adds up quick in there.
18:31 Speaker 01 Yes, kids can spend what they earn on their own debit card. They'll love the new sense of independence. Getting to choose from over 35 plus customizable card designs. Parents can keep track of where their kids are spending. Get real time notification on your set spending limits, instantly block or lost stolen cards. That's pretty good. Ready to help your kids learn the value of money? Just head to acornsearly.com/garbage or download the Acorns Early app to get started. Sign up now for your first month. It's on us. Terms and conditions apply. Monthly subscription fee for starting from $5 per month unless canceled.
19:03 H. Foley? Kip, let's talk about Tushy. Shout out to Tushy. Cause Kippy's got a dirty butthole.
19:07 Speaker 01 That's not nice.
19:08 H. Foley? Dirty butthole.
19:09 Speaker 01 Well, stop poking around back there.
19:10 H. Foley? You need Tushy is what you need. Gang, what are you doing? Are you still wiping your ass like a goddamn caveman? Do yourself a favor, get over to Tushy and get that butthole nice and clean. Ooh, you could eat off that thing.
19:24 Speaker 01 Not that I would, but you can.
19:25 H. Foley? I would.
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19:38 H. Foley? You do it, Kama Sutra.
19:40 Speaker 01 Aura is Tushy's brand new electric bidet with the open lid seat, open lid and seat. Instant warm water and never runs cold and UV sterilization for next level hygiene. Aura by Tushy is easily, easily attracts you to your existing, attaches to your existing toilet without. Without the need for additional plumbing. Listen, it's fantastic. If you've never used Tushy, it's one of those things where you don't know what you're missing out on. They were kind enough to send them over to us. I've hooked it up. It is fan frickin-tastic. It's like, uh...
20:07 H. Foley? It's a good time is what it is.
20:08 Speaker 01 It's before and after an event. It's like, AD, I'm living after, you know, after TP. Catch my drift?
20:13 H. Foley? I mean, it's like not, it's like living back in the 1800s and I didn't have a shower.
20:17 Speaker 01 Yeah. Reclaim your comfort zone in the bathroom. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use the code GARBAGE at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet order at helloTushy.com with the promo code GARBAGE. Do it and change the way you poop. Let's go.
20:32 H. Foley? Okay. All right. So, take us back to the, to the beginning. You, you guys grew up in, uh, was it a single-family home?
20:38 Speaker 04 Uh, it was a two-family home. Uh, we, we lived in the, it was a three-bedroom, one-bath, uh, upstairs, and then we had a, a rental unit beneath us.
20:48 H. Foley? Okay.
20:48 Speaker 04 And, uh, now, that rental unit is now where my parents currently live, and they rent out the top floor to...
20:54 H. Foley? No kidding?
20:55 Speaker 04 A comedian that we know. That's where, the top floor, we lived above my parents.
20:59 H. Foley? Wait, that's where you were getting the strippers?
21:00 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:01 Speaker 01 Oh, how did he fucking do that?
21:02 Speaker 04 They had to literally pass Tom's parents to get up there.
21:05 Speaker 01 Did they know or suspect?
21:06 H. Foley? Wait, they had to go inside?
21:07 Speaker 04 No, but just pass the door. But the door was unlocked. And usually, and usually open. Like, they, they would have the door open, so, you know, strippers be...
21:16 H. Foley? This wasn't a three-decker, was it?
21:17 Speaker 04 We would, we would, we would drunk. We would drunk so often, it like, didn't ma, you know, it didn't matter.
21:23 Speaker 01 Sure, you weren't, you weren't concerned with that at the time.
21:26 Speaker 04 We would also play, fuck it, what's it called? Rock Band. Rock Band.
21:29 Speaker 01 Shout out to Rock Band.
21:30 Speaker 04 Until like 3:30 in the morning, and Tom's mother would come up and be like, "Can we fucking end the concert, fellas?"
21:35 Speaker 01 I got strippers down here. You're ruining the vibe.
21:39 Speaker 04 The baby's trying to sleep.
21:40 H. Foley? Was there a baby?
21:42 Speaker 04 My sister, my sister's baby. When, when my mother and father would watch the baby at my, at my house, we'd be fucking playing Rock Band. And I, I could only play Rock Band, uh, if it was at full volume, because you don't want to hear the clickety-clack of the, of the...
21:55 H. Foley? Sure.
21:56 Speaker 04 Plastic guitar.
21:57 Speaker 01 How old are you? You're like pushing 30 at this point?
21:59 Speaker 04 Oh, God. I'm older, yeah, I'm...
22:01 Speaker 01 Forty?
22:01 Speaker 04 No, not forty, maybe.
22:05 Speaker 04 Anyway, I'm a late bloomer.
22:07 H. Foley? A bloomer.
22:08 Speaker 04 I'm a late bloomer.
22:11 Speaker 01 That's great. Okay, alright, I'm getting, I'm getting a picture here.
22:14 H. Foley? Yeah.
22:14 Speaker 01 What? Alright, go.
22:15 H. Foley? No, I was gonna say, so your mom basically worked with your dad when you were a kid at the lot, okay?
22:20 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:21 H. Foley? Doing various things.
22:22 Speaker 04 And then she, she became a VA technician or something at the Veterans Hospital.
22:26 H. Foley? Okay.
22:27 Speaker 01 Very admirable work.
22:28 Speaker 04 Yeah, she did that for a lot of years. She's retired now, my father's retired.
22:31 H. Foley? Okay.
22:31 Speaker 01 What was the grocery store growing up?
22:33 Speaker 04 The grocery store across the street from my house was Stop and Shop.
22:36 Speaker 01 Stop and Shop.
22:37 H. Foley? Not bad.
22:37 Speaker 04 Stop and Shop.
22:38 Speaker 01 First you stop, then you shop.
22:40 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:40 H. Foley? Not bad. And you had your own room?
22:43 Speaker 04 I had my own room.
22:43 H. Foley? You had your own bedroom. And how were you as a, as a student in school?
22:47 Speaker 04 I was distracted. I was, uh, I, I wasn't a great student. All the teachers always said the same thing, like, oh, if he just applied himself.
22:55 Speaker 01 Great to drink with.
22:56 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:57 Speaker 01 Bad and standardized, bad and standardized text. Great hang. Get this guy behind a drum set on fucking rock band?
23:04 Speaker 04 I would go to the track sometimes and see, like, the dog track near my house and, and, uh,
23:08 Speaker 01 And what age?
23:09 H. Foley? When?
23:10 Speaker 04 When I was like eighteen, you know, and, uh, my high school history teacher was always at the dog track and we'd hang out and, uh, play Quinellas.
23:20 H. Foley? What's Quinellas?
23:21 Speaker 04 That's, uh, I think you pick two dogs, uh, to finish in the same order or something.
23:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, like a, like a box.
23:27 Speaker 04 It's gotta be five, has to be in there somewhere.
23:29 H. Foley? Yeah.
23:30 Speaker 04 Quinn is five, right?
23:31 Speaker 01 Yes.
23:31 H. Foley? Oh, man. No college?
23:34 Speaker 04 Uh, some college.
23:35 H. Foley? What does that mean?
23:36 Speaker 04 Like on an application, when it says some college.
23:39 Speaker 01 Oh, you're still alive?
23:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, I checked that one.
23:40 H. Foley? Gotcha.
23:41 Speaker 04 I went to, uh, Bunker Hill Community College.
23:44 H. Foley? No shit?
23:45 Speaker 04 Which is where, uh,
23:46 H. Foley? Robin Williams.
23:47 Speaker 04 Good Will Hunting.
23:47 H. Foley? Yes.
23:48 Speaker 04 Robin Williams, uh, that's where they shot all that, was at my college.
23:51 Speaker 01 It's actually about me.
23:52 Speaker 04 Yeah. It's my second duck.
23:56 Speaker 04 But, uh, yeah, so we, I went to Bunker Hill Community College for a very short period of time. I was paying out of my own pocket and, I don't know, I got distracted.
24:04 Speaker 01 Sure.
24:04 H. Foley? What was your first job, growing up? Was it working at the?
24:07 Speaker 04 Uh, video store.
24:09 H. Foley? Video store?
24:10 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. A little mom and pop, it was called Video Depot.
24:13 Speaker 01 That's a good one.
24:14 Speaker 04 It was right around the corner from my house. It was, uh, I got, I think, three fifty an hour, three eighty.
24:20 H. Foley? Nudies in the back? In the back room?
24:22 Speaker 04 They, they had some dirty movies, but, uh, the guy that ran it, he was pretty, like, he was so afraid of, cause I was like a sixteen year old kid, he was afraid of my parents being like, "Hey, that guy, is he touching you in the back or anything?" And he was so afraid of that, that like, he was-
24:41 H. Foley? If not, why not? Ah, you're a good looking kid.
24:43 Speaker 04 He was never like, "Hey, you wanna watch a movie?"
24:46 H. Foley? No, but there, so there wasn't an adult section in the back, like a proper adult section?
24:49 Speaker 04 No, this was a tiny little place, small, much smaller, uh, it was a tiny little-
24:54 H. Foley? What year are we talking? Would you say you were working there?
24:56 Speaker 04 I might have been-
24:57 H. Foley? Eighties?
24:58 Speaker 04 Fourteen, thirteen, I don't know, fourteen. I was probably fourteen, so, uh-
25:02 Speaker 01 Ninety? Eighty-nine, ninety?
25:04 Speaker 04 Eighty-nine.
25:04 H. Foley? Yes, that's popping, so it's-
25:06 Speaker 03 I'm better at Tom's age than he is.
25:07 Speaker 04 Yeah, I don't know. It's all a blur.
25:09 H. Foley? They're moving cassettes in there.
25:10 Speaker 04 Yeah, we were, uh, I remember seeing, I mean, here, the fun part about that job was, the guy had an old school, uh, emergency call the police button under the desk, right? And it would directly call, and I would lean back in my seat and accidentally fucking call in a robbery all the time. Like, all the, "Not again!" And the fucking police would come, and it was, but it was so-
25:34 Speaker 01 Sorry, I got distracted.
25:36 Speaker 04 I was leaning back and-
25:38 Speaker 01 Huh, okay. What were the family vacations like, growing up?
25:41 Speaker 04 Maine.
25:42 Speaker 01 Okay, very nice.
25:43 Speaker 04 We would go to Maine.
25:44 Speaker 01 Get the cabin, the whole Maine experience?
25:46 Speaker 04 One of the big, yeah, we, yeah, Old Orchard Beach, is that Maine?
25:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, Oob. Love Old Orchard Beach.
25:51 H. Foley? Now that is-
25:52 Speaker 04 We'd do a ton of-
25:53 Speaker 03 Garbage.
25:53 H. Foley? Garbage?
25:54 Speaker 04 You guys should really-
25:55 Speaker 01 I mean, I didn't think it was the south of France.
25:56 Speaker 04 Well, you guys should seriously-
25:58 H. Foley? It's not Kenny Bunkport.
25:59 Speaker 01 You both said, "Yeah, yeah, I know, that's where I was."
26:00 Speaker 04 You guys should think about doing a show in Portland, Maine, and doing a Patreon at Old Orchard Beach.
26:05 H. Foley? Okay.
26:05 Speaker 04 You'd love it.
26:06 H. Foley? Yeah?
26:06 Speaker 04 Fuck, roller, a little roller coaster in the Ferris, pull up some photo. You guys would love Old Orchard Beach.
26:12 H. Foley? Alright.
26:12 Speaker 04 It is straight garbage.
26:14 H. Foley? And who, who would go on that vacation with you? Was there any extended family in the area?
26:19 Speaker 04 Uh, yeah, we had a ton of extended fam- we do like family reunions at my uncle's house, not a couple towns over and shit like that, but uh, no one would go on the family vacation. So one I remember the most is Hershey Park.
26:31 Speaker 03 Wow.
26:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, Hershey, Pennsylvania, that was big for us, yeah.
26:33 Speaker 04 Yeah, we would go there and to the chocolate factory, whatever. Yeah.
26:37 Speaker 01 Okay, and what was your first car? That you, that was like yours?
26:40 Speaker 04 I owned a 1986 Ford Escort, standard shift, no air conditioner. It was a hatchback, four-door.
26:48 Speaker 01 Nice.
26:49 Speaker 04 Uh, and it was, it was fun. It was a fucking good little car considering no air conditioner and roll them up windows and it didn't have nothing.
26:56 H. Foley? I had an 88 or 89 Chevy Spectrum, very similar.
26:59 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I know the Chevy.
27:01 Speaker 01 Sold tons of them back in the day.
27:03 Speaker 04 I'll tell you, well, that was the thing. My first car that I owned was that 86 Esc- but I mean, I drove, I had a different car every week because we'd take them
27:10 H. Foley? You just get it.
27:11 Speaker 04 Off the lot or whatever.
27:12 H. Foley? Were you allowed to just take cars?
27:14 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
27:15 H. Foley? Was there anything nice on the lot? Like if, say you had a date, in your high school, you had a date or something?
27:19 Speaker 04 Well, this was later on, after we had our second lot, uh, but uh, somebody put a BMW 850 on consignment and I just drove that for a month.
27:30 Speaker 01 Sure, that's a nice car.
27:31 Speaker 04 I never sold it either. Like, I just drove it for a month and then gave it back to the guy smelling like smoke.
27:35 H. Foley? What's consignment? You mean, like pawned it?
27:37 Speaker 04 Yeah, well, like if, uh, you give me something and I sell it for you and then I get a piece of blah, blah, blah.
27:43 H. Foley? But you never sold it?
27:44 Speaker 04 You, you own the car.
27:45 H. Foley? I got you.
27:45 Speaker 04 You give it, put it on my lot.
27:47 H. Foley? Gotcha. Okay.
27:49 Speaker 04 Alright.
27:50 H. Foley? Man, it's wild. Uh, Christmas wise, how was, how were the holidays?
27:54 Speaker 04 Oh, I loved them. Uh, yeah, I loved Christmas. Although, a sad one for me, and I feel like a fucking idiot, is I think I was the last, I was way too old to still believe in Santa Claus. I was the last of everyone.
28:08 Speaker 01 How old are we talking?
28:08 Speaker 03 The last of everyone?
28:09 Speaker 04 I was like 22. No, uh, no, uh, I think I was fucking, I was way too old. It was like 12 or 13. And I remember being at, going to a Cub Scout, I'm in a Cub Scout van with all my Cub Scout troop and the Cub Scout leader was like, "Oh, so you guys, you know, I hope you have a good Christmas. You guys know Santa isn't real and stuff like that."
28:29 Speaker 03 That so we don't have to go through all that and everyone else was like they're all like yeah yeah we know saying it's not real and I'm like what the fuck just happened? What the I was destroyed like I was I'm in a van all everyone knew it was like finding out your girlfriend's cheating on you you know? It's like I was the last to know it was my dad the whole time.
28:50 H. Foley? Uh would you guys do a real tree or would you do a fake tree?
28:53 Speaker 03 Real tree.
28:53 H. Foley? Real tree.
28:54 Speaker 03 And my dad would steal the tree.
28:56 H. Foley? Okay, let's get into that a little bit.
29:00 Speaker 04 Worth pausing.
29:01 Speaker 03 One of the one of the tree lots you know like.
29:03 Speaker 04 Sure they pop up in like a gas station or whatever.
29:05 Speaker 03 Exactly and so he would uh he would I think climb the fence and just grab yeah and grab a tree and or two and then hoist them over because he get one from my uncle's family too. We were in the given season.
29:22 H. Foley? And how far away were you guys list how far how far are these towns apart?
29:26 Speaker 03 I I grew up in the South Everett is a city and it's close to the Boston where he grew up. This is much more houses on top of each other double decker.
29:34 H. Foley? Gotcha.
29:35 Speaker 03 Kind of uh that kind of thing yeah I think it's getting slightly night no it's getting worse. They put a casino in.
29:42 Speaker 04 Mainly because of his parents.
29:43 Speaker 03 And I grew up in the suburb about probably no traffic probably forty five minutes so usually there's traffic fifty minutes from there.
29:51 H. Foley? So he would have been the trash year of the two.
29:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
29:55 Speaker 04 City trash versus like more more suburban.
29:59 Speaker 03 But I remember Tom the first time you ever came I remember we had a fight because you referenced my face you were like hey you guys are white trash and it was shocking to me I was like what the hell are you got in your mind?
30:09 Speaker 04 I remember that.
30:09 Speaker 03 I was like what are you crazy and then Tom was like well you do have a rolled up carpet that the grass and moss has grown over in your backyard. And you have a broken down car in the driveway and you're always one of those.
30:22 Speaker 04 I was doing your show way back then.
30:26 Speaker 03 That moment and the first time I did this show were two real eye openers.
30:29 H. Foley? You never told us about the rolled up carpet.
30:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, it was bad. It took like 12 guys to pry it off and get it out.
30:35 Speaker 01 It's all water locked in shit.
30:36 Speaker 03 It was part of the land, but um, yeah, I think, I think you and I could have a good family garbage off and it would be pretty close. Just different kinds.
30:44 H. Foley? Tom, what about family dinners? Would you guys have dinner every night together, growing up?
30:48 Speaker 04 Uh, when we were very young. Once I think me and my sisters became in our teens, not so much, but when we were very young. And you had to eat everything on your plate because there's kids starving in Ethiopia. That was the
31:01 Speaker 01 They're still pushing it there.
31:02 Speaker 04 Every meal was, you know, there's a kid in Ethiopia that wants that carrot.
31:05 H. Foley? Were you allowed, were you allowed to eat in your room?
31:08 Speaker 04 Um.
31:09 H. Foley? And did you have a TV in your room?
31:11 Speaker 04 Yes, and I think yes.
31:13 H. Foley? Okay.
31:14 Speaker 04 Yeah.
31:14 Speaker 01 Well, how old were you when you got your passport?
31:17 Speaker 04 Sixteen.
31:19 H. Foley? Where'd you go?
31:20 Speaker 04 Uh, Belgium.
31:21 Speaker 01 Really?
31:22 H. Foley? Really?
31:23 Speaker 04 So when I was in high school, I dated a girl who had dual citizenship in Belgium and her family had, and we would go over to a Belgian carnival, which is a big beer drinking festival. It's fucking awesome.
31:34 Speaker 01 Now, okay, sorry. That was the first one. At what age were you allowed to drink around your family?
31:40 Speaker 04 Oh.
31:40 Speaker 01 Cause for dirt, my family included, dirtbag drinking families. That is very.
31:44 Speaker 04 Uh, I don't think ever underage.
31:46 Speaker 01 Really?
31:47 Speaker 04 Yeah, I mean.
31:48 Speaker 03 They don't know he drinks.
31:51 Speaker 01 Hold on, don't have them watch the movie.
31:53 Speaker 03 And don't mention Santa Claus.
31:56 Speaker 01 Okay. Huh.
31:58 H. Foley? You go to Belgium. That's pretty fancy.
32:00 Speaker 04 I went a bunch and then from there you can get to Amsterdam real easy, so.
32:04 H. Foley? And how were you swinging those tickets and all that stuff?
32:06 Speaker 04 Well, back then it wasn't a lot of money. We were, we had a place to stay in Belgium with her family.
32:11 Speaker 01 Right, how to get there.
32:12 Speaker 04 Yeah, it was just getting there and the tickets weren't bad. You could fly to Belgium for $300 back then, you know? Smoke on the plane.
32:20 H. Foley? And they let you drink over there? The family let you booze?
32:21 Speaker 04 Well, yeah, in Belgium, there was no, there was no.
32:24 Speaker 01 Can't stop me.
32:24 H. Foley? Did family ever go to Europe or anything like that?
32:26 Speaker 04 My family has never been. Um, I'm going on.
32:29 Speaker 01 They've never been out of ever.
32:30 Speaker 04 No, honestly, I think, no, they've been to Aruba.
32:33 Speaker 01 Whoa.
32:34 Speaker 04 That's where people from Northeast go. They go to Aruba. Yeah.
32:38 H. Foley? Were you a Crystal Light family growing up?
32:41 Speaker 04 Crystal Light? No, not really.
32:43 H. Foley? What was on the table when you were having dinner?
32:45 Speaker 04 So, probably iced tea, but...
32:48 H. Foley? Powdered iced tea?
32:49 Speaker 04 Powdered iced tea, the Four C or whatever.
32:53 Speaker 01 It's good stuff.
32:54 H. Foley? And it's juice?
32:54 Speaker 04 A lot of juice. I always liked cranberry juice. I liked the tartness of cranberry juice.
32:59 Speaker 03 You would just meet a cran grape. It really changed my life for a few months.
33:02 Speaker 01 Brian Regan did that great.
33:03 Speaker 04 Pork chops, cran, cran chops.
33:07 H. Foley? Cran grape. When we were sick, we always got cran grape, cran apple, ocean spray, home run.
33:12 Speaker 04 I get the cran pineapple now with vodka. I mean, it doesn't come with vodka. I put the vodka. But they make a cran pineapple and it's a perfect Bay Breeze, you know?
33:22 H. Foley? Okay.
33:22 Speaker 01 What is the go-to drink for you?
33:24 Speaker 04 In the morning, a Bay Breeze.
33:27 Speaker 03 I would love if you said Bell's Christmas Ale.
33:31 Speaker 01 The guy really likes Santa Claus.
33:33 H. Foley? When you're down, when you're down there in Key West and you're in your routine, alright? Is it, you get up and you're having a cocktail?
33:40 Speaker 04 No, none. I mean, not, on days, on days off, like if I have a day off and I know I don't have any obligation, I'll stop drinking earlier than...
33:51 Speaker 03 I mean, it'd be hard not to.
33:52 Speaker 01 We're talking 11?
33:53 Speaker 04 You're Key West. Usually not, unless there's an event. There's a ton of events. There's always a parade.
33:58 Speaker 01 So there is an event.
33:58 Speaker 04 There's always something. There's always a pub crawl or a fucking parade or there's always a reason to, "Oh my god, it's Tennessee Williams birthday and you fucking wake up and..." "We're having margaritas and Bloody Marys at Brian's house."
34:15 Speaker 01 It's Oscar Wilde, man. Let's get fucked up.
34:17 Speaker 04 I got a recent text that was like, "Hey, Bloody Mary's at my house, 7:45 a.m." This was like, I'm not gonna be there for it, but...
34:26 Speaker 01 I gotta get the hell out of here.
34:30 Speaker 01 Anybody get me to LaGuardia?
34:33 H. Foley? What was the first concert you went to?
34:35 Speaker 04 Oh, New Kids on the Block.
34:38 Speaker 01 That's okay.
34:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
34:40 Speaker 01 A what?
34:40 Speaker 04 It was my youngest sister's birthday.
34:45 Speaker 01 Okay.
34:45 Speaker 04 Or Christmas present. And my father got a limousine and he got us a ticket that he couldn't just let my sister go. He had to get the thing, even though I wasn't a huge... Alright, I wasn't. But, uh, and it was also Joey McIntyre's birthday concert.
35:01 Speaker 01 Okay.
35:01 Speaker 04 It was at the Worcester Centrum. And we, uh, we all, we were like, "Oh my God, Dad, get us a limousine." We get in the limousine. There's nine other kids that we don't know. And my father and one of his buddies, like, fucking shuttled, like, they made a shuttle bus out of this limo. I ended up sitting in the front with the driver. I'm sitting with the driver in the front the whole way to fucking Worcester.
35:25 Speaker 01 How long you been driving? Seems like a good gig.
35:29 H. Foley? There's a bride and a groom sitting in there. Hey, we gotta swing by St. Paul's real quick.
35:33 Speaker 03 Now, this is a great RU garbage store because it starts off going, "You're not fucking... Fuck, yeah, you got a limo." And then you're riding shotgun. Yeah.
35:43 Speaker 04 Like, co-op the limousine, whatever.
35:46 H. Foley? And this is, was this before they really blew up or after they blew up?
35:49 Speaker 04 It was during their blow up.
35:51 H. Foley? Cause that's gotta be a big concert. That's like the boys are coming home.
35:53 Speaker 04 It was the Worcester Centrum, which is like, I don't know, 25,000 seats. I don't know about that, but it's probably 13,000. Yeah, 14,000.
36:01 H. Foley? Okay.
36:02 Speaker 04 It was pretty, you know.
36:03 H. Foley? That's not bad. That's pretty good. New Kids on the Block, the limousine, minus the other kids and the funeral.
36:11 Speaker 01 The hearse. Probably hearse. Growing up, were you, were you a Domino's or a Pizza Hut family, if you had to do one?
36:18 H. Foley? Was that a thing?
36:19 Speaker 01 Did you lean one way or the other?
36:21 Speaker 04 It wasn't really a thing where we lived because north of Boston, it's all sub shops, pizza shops.
36:26 H. Foley? Sure.
36:27 Speaker 04 Uh, roast beef.
36:28 H. Foley? Would you do Friday night pizza? Was that kind of a, was that in the repertoire?
36:33 Speaker 04 We didn't order a ton of pizza as a family. My mother cooked a bunch.
36:37 H. Foley? Was she good?
36:38 Speaker 04 Sometimes, some things.
36:40 Speaker 01 I think so.
36:42 Speaker 04 She would set off the smoke detectors every time, like every time.
36:46 H. Foley? So no.
36:47 Speaker 04 That, that, yeah. I mean, she would just, I don't know, not good ventilation. She wouldn't open the fucking window and then beep beep beep beep every time she cooked. If she was boiling an egg, the fucking smoke detector would go off.
37:01 H. Foley? And what about the pet situation?
37:03 Speaker 04 We had a dog named Scooter. And we had.
37:06 H. Foley? He didn't make it.
37:07 Speaker 04 We had a, a, a cat.
37:09 Speaker 01 He's doing three to five somewhere.
37:11 Speaker 04 Scooter, it was a.
37:15 H. Foley? For rolling back odometers.
37:16 Speaker 03 That's 21 to 35 in dog years.
37:18 Speaker 01 In dog years.
37:19 Speaker 04 We weren't a huge pet family. We weren't a huge pet.
37:21 Speaker 01 Gotcha.
37:22 Speaker 04 Cats. I had a cat named Misery.
37:24 Speaker 01 Really?
37:24 Speaker 04 A little black cat. It was awesome. It could, it could fetch. It was one of them. Like you'd throw a stick and it would bring it back and then cry.
37:31 Speaker 03 Someone's soul.
37:31 Speaker 04 Until you threw it again.
37:34 Speaker 04 Sucking the life out of me at night.
37:35 H. Foley? I mean, I. Alright.
37:37 Speaker 01 This is one of, so we're, we're at Aunt Toody's house now. Do you have any aunts or uncles that you don't refer to by their real name? Like an Aunt Marbles or an Uncle Knuckles or something?
37:48 Speaker 04 My auntie Sandy, her real name's Joan.
37:51 Speaker 01 Okay.
37:52 Speaker 04 My sister's name is Sandy. And then I have another Aunt Sandy. Yeah, so three Sandys in my immediate family.
37:59 Speaker 01 Why do you call the one Sandy if that's not Sandy? If her name's Joan?
38:03 Speaker 04 I don't know. I don't know why that is.
38:05 H. Foley? What is your nationality? What's your background?
38:07 Speaker 04 Uh, English and Italian.
38:10 H. Foley? Okay. Who's Italian? Your mom or your dad?
38:12 Speaker 04 My mother.
38:13 H. Foley? Your mom's Italian?
38:13 Speaker 04 Yeah.
38:14 H. Foley? And nothing with, no Sunday sauce or anything like that?
38:17 Speaker 04 Um, she cooked, yeah, no, she would make lasagna. She would make all kinds of awesome stuff.
38:21 H. Foley? Okay.
38:21 Speaker 04 Cacciatore's and fucking.
38:23 H. Foley? Cacciatore?
38:24 Speaker 04 Yeah, all kinds of.
38:26 H. Foley? That's not bad.
38:27 Speaker 01 I got, I got one now. Is there in your house in, uh, Key West, do you have a Crown Royal bag in there currently?
38:33 Speaker 04 No.
38:33 Speaker 01 Okay. Ooh, I thought that was gonna be a dead ringer.
38:36 Speaker 04 Yeah.
38:37 Speaker 01 Keep his crumbled up ones in there or something.
38:39 H. Foley? What is the domicile down there in Key West?
38:42 Speaker 04 I live in a, in a park. Killer location.
38:47 Speaker 01 If you're in the market, let me know.
38:49 H. Foley? Dirtball's locations, great.
38:51 Speaker 04 It's two blocks from the Gulf of America.
38:55 Speaker 01 It's a good Gulf.
38:57 Speaker 04 So, yeah, it's a killer, it's a three-bedroom, two-bath. But I also, you know, I have roommates.
39:04 H. Foley? Okay.
39:05 Speaker 04 So it's my.
39:06 Speaker 01 You, that was left out of the documentary.
39:08 Speaker 04 Yeah.
39:08 H. Foley? Do you own this?
39:09 Speaker 04 No, no, it's in the documentary.
39:10 Speaker 03 No, they're in there a little bit, yeah.
39:11 Speaker 04 Dora, yeah.
39:13 Speaker 01 Oh, I just thought they were your friends hanging out.
39:15 H. Foley? You just rent it?
39:16 Speaker 04 We rent it, and so we, it's two roommates, one of them leaves for half the year. So we have an open room half the year.
39:23 H. Foley? What do they do?
39:24 Speaker 04 They go to Maine and work at their family's restaurant.
39:27 H. Foley? Okay, and then come back and, are they working when they're down there or just chilling for the summer?
39:31 Speaker 04 Oh, no, they work, they work when they're in Key West.
39:33 H. Foley? Okay.
39:33 Speaker 04 Dora, they, it's my friend, my roommate, Dora.
39:36 H. Foley? Okay.
39:37 Speaker 04 So she is away half the year, and then my other roommate, Jill, she works at the library now. She used to be at the bank, which is the best, if you have a roommate that works at the bank, you never have to go to the bank. It's fucking awesome.
39:48 H. Foley? What do you mean?
39:49 Speaker 03 She takes home money.
39:50 Speaker 01 Bring, bring the home, or work over there.
39:52 Speaker 04 Well, I, you know, if you get a check or anything, I just leave it on the kitchen table.
39:56 H. Foley? And she'll deposit it when she gets there?
39:57 Speaker 04 Yeah, and any problem you ever have with the bank, she always was, now I get library connections.
40:03 H. Foley? So that's your, so the bank.
40:04 Speaker 01 She's the only one in Key West that can read, I think.
40:06 H. Foley? The bank that she works at is your bank?
40:08 Speaker 04 Yes, yes.
40:09 H. Foley? The Bank of Key West or something like that?
40:11 Speaker 04 First state bank of the Florida Keys. My, my, my debit card has a.
40:16 H. Foley? I knew it wasn't a chase.
40:16 Speaker 04 My debit card has a manatee on it. I'm not kidding. I'll show it to you.
40:23 H. Foley? And this beach that you say you're close to, do you guys, can you, isn't it a thing where there's not a lot of beaches down here?
40:29 Speaker 04 Well, it's a, it's a, it's a coral rock island, so any of the beaches that have nice sand, it's imported sand from Miami or the Bahamas, they truck it in.
40:39 H. Foley? Okay.
40:39 Speaker 04 For the most part, it's a coral rocky beach.
40:43 Speaker 01 Can you walk on it barefoot?
40:44 Speaker 04 I recommend water shoes.
40:46 Speaker 01 Okay, a pair of aqua socks.
40:48 Speaker 04 Aqua socks.
40:49 Speaker 01 Okay.
40:50 H. Foley? Do you go swimming in the ocean a lot?
40:52 Speaker 04 Not a ton, but often, yeah.
40:53 H. Foley? But you could. Like, you could wake up in the morning and go down and take a swim in the ocean.
40:57 Speaker 04 Every day, every single day. I mean, a lot of the time we'll just go to a resort pool, like...
41:02 H. Foley? Okay.
41:02 Speaker 01 Pay the fee or whatever. Well, you probably know somebody to get it. Or do you sneak in?
41:06 Speaker 04 It's... No, they... A lot of the resorts in Key West are what they call local friendly. As long as you buy a drink and you're not being a dick, you can use their facilities.
41:13 Speaker 01 That's good. That is a community.
41:15 Speaker 04 Yeah, it really is. That's what I love about the town, is it... I've never lived in a place where I knew my neighbors.
41:21 Speaker 01 You lived above your parents.
41:23 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
41:27 H. Foley? So you're really living that Key West lifestyle down there?
41:30 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. I mean, not so... I'm not like... I don't go fishing a ton. My girlfriend does all the... My fiancee, she does all the spearfishing and lobster tickling, you know?
41:39 Speaker 01 What's lobster tickling?
41:40 Speaker 04 So, the way you catch Caribbean lobsters is you swim down and you have a net, and then you have a tickle stick. And when you see their antennas sticking out from underneath a log or something, you tickle... You put the net on one side, you tickle the antenna, and then it shoots into your net. You can take six a day. That's how we got us... That's how we got her. That's how we got her.
42:03 H. Foley? Caribbean lobsters don't have claws, right?
42:05 Speaker 04 That's right.
42:06 H. Foley? And do you eat them all the time?
42:08 Speaker 04 Not all the time. I mean, I'm from Boston. Maine lobster is clearly better. It's sweeter, more tender, and it's just way better. But Caribbean lobster done right can be good.
42:18 H. Foley? Where are you grocery shopping down there?
42:20 Speaker 04 Uh, Publix or Winn-Dixie.
42:22 H. Foley? Okay.
42:23 Speaker 01 Two fine establishments?
42:24 Speaker 04 Right next to my... A block from my house is Fausto's Food Palace. That's our local, old-town, little mini grocery store.
42:32 H. Foley? Market, okay.
42:33 Speaker 04 Well, like, everything's crazy expensive, but, uh, we go there.
42:36 H. Foley? And you're very tight with your roommates. Is that... You're kind of a family?
42:40 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. It's... Yeah, I don't have... Yeah.
42:42 H. Foley? So do you guys... Will you guys have dinner together and stuff like that, or...
42:45 Speaker 04 On occasion, we will. Like, on occasion, we'll all hang out, go to dinner, or have dinner at the house.
42:50 H. Foley? And what's the rule with the stuff in the fridge? Say you go to Winn-Dixie, and you get some stuff. I don't know, some lunch meat or whatever?
42:57 Speaker 04 Everyone's cool. Like, no one takes your shit. I take everyone's shit, but no one takes my shit.
43:01 H. Foley? But is it okay?
43:03 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
43:03 H. Foley? Like if you went to the store.
43:04 Speaker 01 I mean, they get upset, but I don't give a fuck.
43:06 Speaker 04 Well, I usually have the intention of replacing whatever I'm taking. And sometimes I remember to do that.
43:12 H. Foley? What's a normal meal at home for you?
43:14 Speaker 04 Uh, we do, uh, we do a lot of-
43:16 H. Foley? Are you cooking?
43:17 Speaker 04 Sushi, cause it's the oceans, right, you know, everything's fresh, a lot of fish, uh. I eat steak, like, as often as I can, uh.
43:26 H. Foley? You'll make yourself a steak?
43:27 Speaker 01 Cook the steak at the house, or you go out?
43:28 Speaker 04 Just once in a while, but, uh, there's, there's, uh, there's a couple of restaurants in town.
43:32 H. Foley? So you're eating out a lot?
43:33 Speaker 04 I eat out a lot, yeah, way more than we probably can afford, but.
43:36 H. Foley? What's a normal breakfast, other than the-
43:39 Speaker 04 I'm not a big breakfast-
43:39 H. Foley? Tequila sunrise?
43:40 Speaker 04 I do a coffee and a joint.
43:42 H. Foley? Okay.
43:43 Speaker 04 But you are, Tom also eats less than anybody I've ever met, ever in my life. I don't eat a ton.
43:49 Speaker 01 What'd you have today?
43:50 Speaker 04 On, on stage. All right, come on. What's your, your famous, you tell them your famous line that you've been doing for 30 years. Which one? Hey, you wanna go get a sandwich? I don't know that one.
44:02 Speaker 04 You've made this joke 17,000 times. Hey, you wanna get a sandwich? Oh, I, I just ate yesterday. Boom!
44:10 Speaker 04 That's gold!
44:10 Speaker 01 That's good, that's good, that's good.
44:13 Speaker 04 Hey, by the way-
44:14 Speaker 01 Oh, he's like, I don't know what the, he hung Joe out to dry.
44:17 Speaker 04 I know, I'm like, this is your go-to line.
44:19 Speaker 01 I don't know what this guy's talking about. It's weird that he's on the show with me, if I'm being honest.
44:25 Speaker 04 That was a big line for a long time, I've stolen it.
44:28 H. Foley? Are you a fast food guy?
44:30 Speaker 04 I try, uh, Subway is my, the only one I usually-
44:34 H. Foley? Really?
44:34 Speaker 04 Uh, and once in a while, I'll do-
44:36 H. Foley? Is there a McDonald's down there?
44:38 Speaker 04 There is, but you gotta go to Newtown to find it, uh, I don't, I don't go past White Street.
44:42 H. Foley? Do you have a car down there?
44:43 Speaker 04 Uh, just got, dumped it, we just, um, Kristen, my, my fiancee, she had a Toyota, uh, Toyota Celica convertible, it was really rough.
44:52 H. Foley? Whoa.
44:52 Speaker 04 And, uh, we just junked it, cause we don't really need a car, uh, we bicycle.
44:57 H. Foley? Ride a bike?
44:57 Speaker 04 Ride a bike or walk.
44:58 H. Foley? Yeah.
44:59 Speaker 04 Uh, and my friend owns a rental dealership down there, and so he needs, I have a parking spot, he, he, uh, needs the space, so he leaves me a vehicle.
45:09 Speaker 01 Uh, so you can zip around if you need it?
45:11 Speaker 04 So I can zip around, go to the grocery store if I need, or Home Depot, and, uh, what he's been leaving me is, uh, a lime green dune buggy, an electric line. It's the most impractical vehicle of all time, there's no doors, you have to climb in, Dukes of Hazzard style, and, um- It's ridiculous. There's a backseat, but you can't put a human in it.
45:35 Speaker 04 With legs, not one with legs. But yeah, it's fucking.
45:39 H. Foley? Caribbean lobsters only. You gotta tickle to get into backseat.
45:42 Speaker 04 So that's what I've been tooling, that's when my fiance dropped me off at the airport and was a lime green. Doom buggy.
45:48 Speaker 01 They both got helmets.
45:50 Speaker 04 Key West adventures.
45:51 Speaker 01 Rumbling.
45:56 H. Foley? And how much time do you, like, as far as like running the biz, running the club? Are you, are you working like, you know, eight hours a day at the club or?
46:05 Speaker 04 I mean, it depends on the day.
46:07 H. Foley? As far as like the administrative stuff?
46:08 Speaker 04 When it needs to be done. I don't do, like, I don't do like the books and, um, website update and shit like that.
46:15 H. Foley? So you got people doing all that stuff?
46:17 Speaker 04 I have a partner, his name is Joe Madouse. He's the one that started comedy Key West and then he kind of brought me down to
46:22 H. Foley? Okay.
46:23 Speaker 04 Help figure it out. And, uh, so I booked the acts and I host the shows typically.
46:29 H. Foley? And this is almost every weekend?
46:30 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah. No, it's every, every, almost every night of the week.
46:32 H. Foley? No shit?
46:33 Speaker 04 Yeah. So we do, you know, paint and chug nights. We do Ernest Hemingway in a funny way, you know, we do different kinds of shows and.
46:41 H. Foley? So you're living the life down there. You're living the.
46:43 Speaker 04 It's not bad. I mean, I mean, we're coming into slow season. We just come out of, uh, spring break, which is.
46:49 H. Foley? Gotcha.
46:50 Speaker 04 That a whole month of just young people.
46:57 H. Foley? He goes like doom buggies?
46:59 Speaker 01 I feel like Trim was about to be the one next word out of his mouth.
47:03 H. Foley? About a tail running around that hill.
47:06 Speaker 01 Uh, will you check into a hotel with a cooler if you're going on vacation? A cooler full of beers or so?
47:12 Speaker 04 Not as a rule, but I think I have done that.
47:15 Speaker 01 Okay.
47:16 H. Foley? And do you guys, do you travel from down there? Like, do you guys go on vacation?
47:21 Speaker 04 Uh, I'm about to.
47:23 H. Foley? Really?
47:24 Speaker 04 Tomorrow. I'm going, no, Friday I'm going to, uh, Vietnam.
47:30 Speaker 01 The war's over, man.
47:31 Speaker 04 Got some old scores to settle.
47:32 H. Foley? Let it go, Tom, it's over, man. Wait, you and the fiancee?
47:36 Speaker 04 Right, and her, uh, her family. Her brother is getting married to a Vietnamese woman.
47:41 H. Foley? No kidding?
47:42 Speaker 04 So I got the traditional Vietnamese, uh, wedding attire and, uh...
47:46 Speaker 01 What that set you back, I'm curious?
47:48 Speaker 04 A hundred and twenty-eight dollars or something. Handmade, embroidered with fucking cranes on it and shit. It's fucking awesome.
47:57 H. Foley? AK-47 and a rocket launcher? Like construction cans. Cranes, I mean. And then where are you just going? You're, you're taking a trip?
48:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, that was the thing. My girlfriend, uh, my fiancee, she was like, uh, we go to Vietnam for this wedding. I was like, oh, no fucking way. I'm going halfway around the world unless we can keep going.
48:14 H. Foley? Sure.
48:15 Speaker 04 I wanna...
48:15 Speaker 01 So where's the next stop?
48:17 Speaker 04 Uh, Vietnam, Thailand, Nepal, Dubai, Turkey, Greece.
48:22 Speaker 01 Portland, Maine.
48:25 Speaker 01 Bit of sin.
48:26 Speaker 04 Old Orchard Beach.
48:28 H. Foley? Cleveland, lay over there. That's not bad. You're gonna end up in Greece?
48:33 Speaker 04 Uh, Greece, yeah. Uh, uh, an island called Santorini, I think.
48:36 H. Foley? Buddy, was there last year. You're gonna love it.
48:38 Speaker 04 Um, uh, she got us, uh, she, my, it's my birthday.
48:41 Speaker 01 Happy birthday.
48:42 Speaker 04 I'm turning fifty.
48:42 H. Foley? Let me ask you something. When are you, when are you ending up in Santorini?
48:45 Speaker 04 Uh, April twenty-sixth, I think?
48:48 H. Foley? You might wanna take a look at the situation over there.
48:51 Speaker 04 Why? What's going on?
48:52 H. Foley? Well, they evacuated the island less than a month ago because of the volcano.
48:56 Speaker 04 No.
48:56 H. Foley? Yeah.
48:58 Speaker 04 Maybe that's why the room was so cheap.
49:00 Speaker 03 I don't know where I'm gonna go when I fall.
49:03 Speaker 01 I did book a volcano-facing room.
49:05 Speaker 04 Wait, really?
49:07 H. Foley? I don't know if it's back up-
49:08 Speaker 03 We're back to being safe. They just welcomed their first cruise ship.
49:11 Speaker 01 There you go.
49:11 Speaker 04 There you go.
49:12 H. Foley? Very nice.
49:13 Speaker 01 Are you a cruise guy by any chance or no?
49:15 Speaker 04 I've only been on, I think, two cruises. I didn't like it. I don't, I, I feel trapped.
49:19 H. Foley? You're gonna love Santorini. It's beautiful.
49:20 Speaker 04 Well, we, my girlfriend's got a, a cave. She got us the-
49:23 H. Foley? Yeah.
49:24 Speaker 04 The hotel room's in a cave.
49:25 H. Foley? Yeah.
49:25 Speaker 04 And it's got its own little-
49:26 Speaker 01 Sounds great.
49:27 Speaker 04 Caldera pool in the fucking cave.
49:29 H. Foley? Yeah, it's a good time. You're gonna love it. All right, well, that's pretty classy going around the world.
49:33 Speaker 01 That's not bad. It's not bad. Uh, how many suits do you own currently?
49:38 Speaker 04 Um...
49:39 Speaker 01 If you had like a funeral tomorrow, do you have something you can throw on?
49:42 Speaker 04 I got this shirt.
49:47 Speaker 04 This is my funeral shirt.
49:48 Speaker 01 Sure, it's, and I, it's probably a court shirt, too.
49:50 Speaker 04 Funeral court weapon, yeah. Um, yeah, I, I don't-
49:54 Speaker 01 Nice shirt.
49:55 H. Foley? He's wearing the Vietnamese outfit everywhere.
49:58 Speaker 01 Unagi.
50:00 Speaker 04 Yeah, we, uh, I own a suit. I just bought a suit. We were in Italy last.
50:04 Speaker 01 Oh, you had a suit on, I think.
50:05 H. Foley? Seersucker. You look real sharp in it too. You look good in a suit.
50:08 Speaker 04 It was linen. It was Italian linen. And I got that in Italy. We went to Italy to visit a comic named April Macy. I think.
50:16 Speaker 01 I don't know.
50:17 H. Foley? I know who you're talking about. Yeah.
50:18 Speaker 04 She has a villa.
50:20 H. Foley? Huh.
50:20 Speaker 04 Yeah, we went and hung out at her villa. It was fantastic.
50:23 H. Foley? He's getting around the world. He's traveling.
50:25 Speaker 04 I always liked, I liked traveling. Even when I was young, I did all of Western. I did the whole thing where you backpacked for three months.
50:31 Speaker 01 Hostels and everything.
50:32 Speaker 04 Yeah, youth hostels.
50:33 Speaker 03 Been to Morocco?
50:34 Speaker 04 Morocco, smoking hash on a hash farm, making hash.
50:37 Speaker 01 On a hash farm.
50:39 Speaker 04 Hash oil, shipping it to France.
50:41 H. Foley? Had to trash it up.
50:43 Speaker 01 He went to Morocco. I was on a hash farm.
50:47 H. Foley? Smoking out of a coke can.
50:49 Speaker 04 That's what I was really hoping for in coming in here is I know I'm garbage, but I was hoping to be high-end garbage.
50:56 Speaker 01 I think so.
50:57 Speaker 04 I buttoned up.
50:59 H. Foley? Alright.
51:02 H. Foley? You see your t-shirt underneath the shirt.
51:03 Speaker 04 I'm cold. I'm always cold. I got a layer.
51:08 Speaker 01 Uh, I mean, that is a garbage. That's even garbage in itself to come in and want to be high-class garbage.
51:13 Speaker 04 Yeah.
51:14 H. Foley? I mean, you're.
51:14 Speaker 01 Most people are like, I hope I'm not garbage. Like, I know I am, but.
51:17 H. Foley? Smart guy. You're well-traveled. You're living, you're living your life down there. You're doing your thing. Um, yeah. I mean.
51:26 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
51:28 H. Foley? Do you pee in the shower?
51:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
51:30 H. Foley? Brush your teeth in there?
51:32 Speaker 04 In my pee? Uh, no, never. I don't, I don't brush my teeth.
51:37 H. Foley? You wear cologne at all?
51:40 Speaker 04 My, my girlfriend just got me Sex Panther cologne.
51:43 Speaker 01 Is that a real, that's a real thing now?
51:45 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's from the movie.
51:46 Speaker 01 From, uh, Anchorman, yeah.
51:47 Speaker 04 But they, they sell it. It's kind of nice. Uh, it doesn't smell like.
51:50 H. Foley? Burns a little bit, but.
51:51 Speaker 04 They say in the movie.
51:52 H. Foley? And what are you guys gonna do when you guys get married? And when is, when is the, is the wedding set?
51:57 Speaker 04 The wedding is not set.
51:58 H. Foley? Okay.
51:59 Speaker 04 We just got engaged. We're in Scotland. I proposed via falcon. Uh, I, I had a bird of prey swooping on the lady.
52:06 Speaker 01 Seriously?
52:06 H. Foley? Really?
52:07 Speaker 04 It wasn't a falcon. It turned out that the falcon was in a bad mood, so they got.
52:10 Speaker 01 It was a parrot.
52:11 Speaker 04 They got me an owl. It was an owl.
52:12 Speaker 01 Really?
52:13 Speaker 04 Yeah, it was pretty awesome.
52:14 H. Foley? That's pretty classy.
52:15 Speaker 03 That's fucking classy.
52:16 H. Foley? Yeah.
52:16 Speaker 04 It was majestic.
52:18 H. Foley? Huh.
52:18 Speaker 04 Yeah, we stayed in a castle.
52:20 Speaker 01 That's pretty good. Is that you?
52:21 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's good.
52:22 H. Foley? Alright, well, there you go.
52:24 Speaker 01 You stayed in a castle.
52:26 H. Foley? In Scotland.
52:27 Speaker 01 I mean, that's rich guy, that's like rich fancy guy shit.
52:31 Speaker 04 It was more of a manor.
52:32 Speaker 01 Okay, now we're, now we're moving to Gold Coast. It was more, it was more of a garage.
52:38 H. Foley? You had a, you had a bird in a hotel room, that's basically.
52:41 Speaker 04 It was made of stone.
52:43 H. Foley? Okay.
52:44 Speaker 01 Alright.
52:44 H. Foley? And what's gonna happen when you guys get married? Will you move in with her? Will she move in?
52:49 Speaker 04 We live together currently.
52:50 H. Foley? Oh, she's one of the roommates?
52:52 Speaker 01 How many people are in this goddamn house?
52:53 Speaker 04 Yeah, so.
52:54 H. Foley? So it's you, her and Dora?
52:55 Speaker 04 Her, her, Dora and Jill, my two roommates, they live on the second floor.
53:01 Speaker 01 Okay.
53:01 Speaker 04 Chris and I have the third floor.
53:02 H. Foley? Oh, alright.
53:04 Speaker 01 It's a sky pan.
53:05 Speaker 04 Our own bedroom and.
53:06 H. Foley? Gotcha. Okay. Alright, that's a little bit different.
53:09 Speaker 01 That's how it's done. It's kinda a bedroom.
53:11 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's a bedroom and a bathroom. The problem is, it's the fucking third floor and I smoke cigarettes, so if I forget anything upstairs, I buy a new one.
53:18 Speaker 01 I have, sure.
53:19 Speaker 04 I'm just not going up the stairs.
53:20 Speaker 03 And in the interest of the podcast theme, they do have a balcony, but it's completely rotted out.
53:26 Speaker 01 Oh, you can't go on it?
53:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:27 Speaker 04 Well, you can, but only on one side.
53:30 H. Foley? The landlord won't fix it?
53:32 Speaker 04 Yeah, we, I don't wanna.
53:34 Speaker 01 Sure, yeah, no, hey, please don't. Cut that, dump it, dump it.
53:38 Speaker 04 I don't wanna bother the landlord.
53:40 Speaker 01 I don't wanna bother, and he probably hasn't paid rent or something, which I respect.
53:43 Speaker 03 It's a pretty good deal.
53:45 Speaker 01 Okay, no, then I totally, totally respect that. Um.
53:50 Speaker 04 Oh, that's nice, too.
53:52 Speaker 01 What is that, a winter IPA?
53:53 Speaker 04 This is the winter IPA.
53:54 Speaker 01 This guy's changing seasons over here.
53:56 Speaker 04 Winter of 96, it says.
53:58 Speaker 01 That was a good year.
53:59 H. Foley? Can you?
54:00 Speaker 03 Bob Dole is on the label.
54:03 H. Foley? Can you whistle with your fingers?
54:05 Speaker 04 No.
54:06 H. Foley? Are you double jointed?
54:07 Speaker 04 No.
54:08 H. Foley? What are you sleeping in?
54:09 Speaker 04 Mmm, underwear.
54:11 H. Foley? Just boxer's briefs? What do you do?
54:13 Speaker 04 Boxer briefs.
54:14 H. Foley? Boxer briefs?
54:15 Speaker 01 Gentlemen.
54:15 H. Foley? Alright.
54:15 Speaker 01 Um, how, what, what, what kind of cigarettes do you smoke? Marlboro Lights?
54:20 Speaker 04 I was, for 25 years, I smoked Parliament, Parliament's?
54:24 Speaker 01 Like the blue, the blue pack?
54:25 Speaker 04 The blue pack.
54:26 Speaker 01 Parliament Lights?
54:26 Speaker 04 I started smoking because those, uh, no, no, the regular, original, light blue. Uh, all the high, all, all the cheerleaders in my. High school smoked Parliaments and that's how I started.
54:36 Speaker 01 I was a hot girl cig.
54:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, and if they needed to bum one, I wanted to be the guy that was like, "I gotcha."
54:43 Speaker 01 This guy's closing deals.
54:44 Speaker 04 And so, but I just recently changed about a month and a half ago to American Spirit Yellow.
54:52 Speaker 01 Okay.
54:52 Speaker 04 Okay. They last forever and I'm smoking way less of them.
54:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:56 Speaker 04 I'm not smoking as much as I normally do.
54:59 Speaker 01 And how many, I assume you did, did you buy packs in Key West and bring them up? I assume you're not buying in New York, a guy like you's not buying cigarettes in New York.
55:06 Speaker 04 I bought, I bought seven packs.
55:08 Speaker 01 Seven packs of cigarettes.
55:09 Speaker 04 To get me till Hanoi.
55:12 Speaker 01 Hanoi, yeah.
55:12 H. Foley? Are you flying from here to Hanoi or you're going home?
55:14 Speaker 04 No, I'm flying to LA.
55:15 H. Foley? Okay.
55:16 Speaker 04 I'm flying to LA, meeting up with the lady.
55:18 H. Foley? Uh huh.
55:18 Speaker 04 And then we're flying to Hanoi.
55:20 H. Foley? So you have, you brought all the stuff that you need with you for this trip? And then for?
55:26 Speaker 01 And then the world.
55:27 H. Foley? The world.
55:28 Speaker 04 I mean, this is the only long sleeve shirt.
55:31 Speaker 01 Did you, did you check a bag or you just, you just carry on?
55:34 Speaker 04 I did two carry ons.
55:35 Speaker 01 Just two carry ons? So you have a school bag and then a carry on?
55:38 Speaker 04 I have a duffel and a backpack.
55:41 Speaker 01 To go around the world.
55:42 H. Foley? Wait, hold on, are you gonna like?
55:43 Speaker 04 It's two bathing suits, some underwear, fucking.
55:46 Speaker 01 My Komono.
55:47 Speaker 04 A couple of, a couple of, you know.
55:49 H. Foley? How many pairs of underwear did you bring with you?
55:51 Speaker 04 Eight.
55:53 H. Foley? Okay, that's not gonna work.
55:54 Speaker 04 What do you mean?
55:55 H. Foley? Are you, are you doing laundry before you leave for LA?
55:58 Speaker 04 Of course, yeah, yeah, we'll do laundry the whole way.
56:00 H. Foley? Okay.
56:01 Speaker 04 I'm a big laundry guy.
56:03 Speaker 01 I don't know if you heard that about me. Love the subs.
56:05 Speaker 04 I'm fluffing, I'm folding.
56:08 H. Foley? Alright, okay. So you have everything with you, you're ready, you have that, the suit for the Vietnamese wedding with you?
56:14 Speaker 04 Uh, no, the, the.
56:16 Speaker 01 Picking that up in LA.
56:17 Speaker 04 No, that's, it's being made, it's being made right now in Hanoi. It's being made.
56:22 H. Foley? No kidding?
56:22 Speaker 01 Wait, it was a hundred and twenty-eight dollars in Hanoi doll, or like, and it's being made there?
56:26 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's being made there.
56:27 Speaker 01 Wow, okay.
56:28 Speaker 04 But it's all customy, nice embroidery.
56:31 H. Foley? What, did you send them your sizes?
56:32 Speaker 04 Yep, I had to go and get fitted for the, it's called a, a dao is what it's called.
56:37 Speaker 01 Who's that, your sister, the karate?
56:39 Speaker 04 It's literally. It literally translates to long shirt.
56:45 Speaker 01 Okay.
56:46 H. Foley? Alright.
56:48 Speaker 01 You open your eyes underwater?
56:50 Speaker 04 Yeah.
56:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:51 H. Foley? Ever been bitten by a dog?
56:53 Speaker 04 Yeah.
56:55 Speaker 01 Did you ever bite him back? Uh, have you ever been in a dunk tank?
57:00 Speaker 04 Like you're the one in the tank getting the balls thrown. Oh, you'd be great, though. No.
57:05 H. Foley? Yeah.
57:05 Speaker 01 Try harder, you.
57:09 H. Foley? He's got the long sleeve shirt on.
57:10 Speaker 04 Throw like a broad.
57:12 H. Foley? Do you like deviled eggs?
57:14 Speaker 04 Uh, I don't, it's not something I go for, but I've had and not hated.
57:19 H. Foley? Are you a mayonnaise guy?
57:21 Speaker 04 I, I am.
57:22 H. Foley? You like mayo?
57:23 Speaker 04 Yeah.
57:23 H. Foley? Hellmann's or Miracle Whip?
57:25 Speaker 04 Uh, I actually like both. Uh, sometimes I combine them.
57:30 Speaker 01 What?
57:30 Speaker 04 Yeah.
57:31 H. Foley? That's a fucking, are you garbage first? Holy shit.
57:35 Speaker 01 We've never had someone say they like both, let alone combine them.
57:39 Speaker 04 Well, it takes a little off of the sharpness of Miracle Whip. Takes a little of Miracle away.
57:47 H. Foley? Little bit of the tang.
57:48 Speaker 01 Uh, are there any trophies on display in your home at the moment?
57:51 Speaker 04 In my home?
57:52 Speaker 01 Or plaques or anything?
57:53 Speaker 04 I don't think so. You must have some softball stuff.
57:56 H. Foley? Were you a softball guy?
57:57 Speaker 04 All the, uh, yeah, I ran the Boston Comedy Softball League.
58:00 H. Foley? That's right.
58:00 Speaker 04 For like six years or something. Um, I have all the, all the trophies and plaques and my, my honorary high school diploma, cause I never graduated high school.
58:09 Speaker 01 You got an honorary high school diploma?
58:10 Speaker 04 Yeah, cause I, I did a talk at the Key West High School and they were like-
58:14 Speaker 01 So you got a diploma from a school you didn't go to?
58:16 Speaker 04 Right. Classy. Yeah. It's, uh, Key West Prep or something like that.
58:22 Speaker 01 How'd you get into college?
58:23 Speaker 04 Uh, it was community college. Anyone can go.
58:26 H. Foley? I don't think that's true.
58:27 Speaker 04 Oh, I had a GED.
58:28 H. Foley? Okay.
58:29 Speaker 04 There it is.
58:29 Speaker 01 There, there.
58:30 H. Foley? Why didn't you graduate high school?
58:31 Speaker 01 Should've led with that.
58:32 Speaker 04 I, uh, I just was distracted. I, I just wasn't good at it. I fucking hated it. My home life was falling apart cause my dad was crazy. I was living with another family for a little while.
58:43 H. Foley? Gotcha.
58:44 Speaker 04 And, uh-
58:44 H. Foley? So you stopped going?
58:45 Speaker 04 I just stopped going.
58:46 H. Foley? Okay.
58:47 Speaker 04 Yeah.
58:48 H. Foley? And then got your GED?
58:49 Speaker 04 My girlfriend was like, you gotta get your GED. And so I did that. I, I, it was the fucking easiest test I, I, I ever took.
58:55 H. Foley? Hmm. Man, that's wild. Honorary-
58:58 Speaker 04 I used to do a joke about it where I go, I felt like I was filling out an application to work at McDonald's, which I kinda was, you know?
59:05 H. Foley? What was the talk that you did at the school down in Key West?
59:08 Speaker 04 I just talked about, uh, being a small business owner in Key West, opening a business there and doing stand-up and, you know, blah, blah, blah. You know, it's a bunch of sixteen year old kids-
59:17 Speaker 01 How to make a mean bloody mayor.
59:19 Speaker 04 Yeah. I wrote a ten minute bit about how homework stinks.
59:23 Speaker 01 Take me to your leader. Uh, alright, I mean, listen.
59:29 Speaker 04 I know.
59:29 Speaker 01 A lot of that was for formal, for legal purposes, we needed to do that. But, I mean, grade A trash and I fucking love ya.
59:36 H. Foley? Love ya.
59:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:36 H. Foley? Yeah.
59:37 Speaker 03 But there is some class sprinkled in there.
59:40 H. Foley? There's a lot of class.
59:41 Speaker 03 Been in Morocco and Belgium.
59:43 H. Foley? Do you read a lot?
59:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, but he was doing hash.
59:45 H. Foley? I bet you read a lot.
59:46 Speaker 04 I don't read a lot.
59:47 H. Foley? Okay.
59:47 Speaker 04 I, I, I watch a lot of.
59:49 H. Foley? Damn.
59:49 Speaker 04 I watch a lot of YouTube.
59:51 H. Foley? That's not the same thing.
59:52 Speaker 01 Building seven, what happened?
59:56 H. Foley? Holy shit, Tom Dustin, ladies and gentlemen. Hundred percent Key West trash.
1:00:01 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:00:01 H. Foley? Down there. And the movie, Portrait of a Comedian, directed by Mr. Joe List.
1:00:06 Speaker 04 Thank you.
1:00:06 H. Foley? Beautiful film, as we said, it's gonna be in select theaters this spring. Uh, notably, it's gonna be in New York City at the Quad Cinema, starting April 25th. Go see it, it's absolutely fantastic. And everybody down in Philly, it's at the Ritz Five in Philly, starting May 9th. Do yourself a favor, it's absolutely beautiful. You love Joe List, you're gonna love Tom Dustin, go check it out.
1:00:26 Speaker 01 If you're a fan of comedy, you're a fan of this show, go fucking see it, it is a fucking awesome look at, at comedy from beginning to end.
1:00:33 Speaker 03 It's funny, it's funny.
1:00:34 Speaker 01 And also, I mean, like, killed in the room, like, proper fucking murder.
1:00:39 H. Foley? We're at the premiere!
1:00:40 Speaker 03 It was insane. Ari said it's the, literally the funniest documentary of all time.
1:00:45 H. Foley? And Ari, you know.
1:00:45 Speaker 04 He's only seen two other documentaries, and one was about dolphins getting killed by Japanese guys in a cove.
1:00:50 Speaker 03 But it's funnier than that!
1:00:52 Speaker 01 Which, by the way, wasn't a slap.
1:00:55 H. Foley? Guys, congratulations. And we can't thank you enough, and Tom, thank you so much for coming in.
1:00:59 Speaker 04 Thanks so much for having me, this is incredible.
1:01:00 H. Foley? This was so much fun.
1:01:01 Speaker 04 More fun than Joe told me it was gonna be.
1:01:03 Speaker 03 What? I was saying it was gonna be the funnest time of all time.
1:01:05 Speaker 04 I know, and it's more than that!
1:01:07 H. Foley? Do you guys wanna plug anything else? You wanna plug any more specific dates or anything, or let them know? Oh, also, the tickets are information, you can get it at TomDustinDoc.com.
1:01:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's big, and, uh, I'll be at the Wilbur Theater, fucking, uh, April 19th, and there's very few tickets left. And, uh, Acme and Comedy Club, April 10th to the 12th, in Minneapolis.
1:01:27 H. Foley? Fantastic.
1:01:28 Speaker 01 Bangkok Comedy Club.
1:01:31 Speaker 01 Seriously?
1:01:31 Speaker 04 I'm trying to do a spot there. Yeah, I think it's April 27th or something.
1:01:36 H. Foley? There you go. And the club down in Key West is Key West Comedy.
1:01:39 Speaker 04 It's Comedy Key West.
1:01:40 H. Foley? Comedy Key West.
1:01:41 Speaker 04 Have you guys done it? No, you have to come down and do it.
1:01:43 Speaker 01 I should say, I messaged you probably years ago.
1:01:48 Speaker 04 Oh, boy.
1:01:49 Speaker 01 No, and he got back to me. And I was like, because I was like, featuring at the time, like, hey, I'd love to feature.
1:01:55 Speaker 01 And he goes, hey, man, you can't really make it work featuring. Like, it doesn't make sense.
1:01:58 Speaker 04 Right, we don't.
1:01:59 Speaker 01 But.
1:01:59 Speaker 04 I'm the future.
1:02:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, no, but he was like, whatever. And he was like, got back. He's like, if you can, if you can connect it to like Miami and whatever like that, it can kind of make sense. Let me know. I'll give you the, give you the names of people.
1:02:08 H. Foley? Aww.
1:02:09 Speaker 01 Which is like, in the comedy world, does not happen.
1:02:11 Speaker 04 I, I know a couple of guys up in the mainland that also do.
1:02:14 Speaker 01 The mainland?
1:02:15 Speaker 04 Yeah, well, I live in the Keys.
1:02:18 Speaker 01 I've just never heard that, heard, or heard of it.
1:02:20 Speaker 04 Yeah, in the mainland, there's a couple of guys that run killer shows, and a lot of the times we'll connect and we'll route it.
1:02:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, which is, which is amazing.
1:02:27 Speaker 03 You guys would love it. It's awesome down there.
1:02:29 H. Foley? Unbelievable.
1:02:29 Speaker 01 Put it in the box!
1:02:30 H. Foley? Joe List and Tom Dustin, ladies and gentlemen. Gang, we love you. The cards are on sale, as we said. Do yourself a favor, grab a pack before they run out. Uh, we're gonna be adding the fall tour dates very soon.
1:02:41 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:02:41 H. Foley? And, uh, we love you, and we'll see you next week.
1:02:44 Speaker 01 Pittsburgh and Cleveland. Get your tickets!
1:02:46 H. Foley? Peace!
Previous Cautionary Tales w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley Next Paul Walter Hauser! Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated