Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast Celebrity Impersonators w/ Kippy & Foley! About this episode Are You Garbage is back with Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
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Transcript 11,786 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
0:19 H. Foley? Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
0:24 Speaker 02 Hey.
0:25 H. Foley? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they're going to be classy.
0:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
0:29 H. Foley? Or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
0:31 Speaker 02 Trash, right?
0:32 H. Foley? I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's in the garage, powerlifting.
0:39 Speaker 02 Okay.
0:41 H. Foley? That's by our good pal Cody Winters on the old Patreon. And I gotta give a shout out to Charles Terry, who wrote the one during the B and N and Jordan episode.
0:51 Speaker 02 Okay.
0:51 H. Foley? Which I got flustered because they're both lunatic.
0:53 Speaker 02 Shout out to you.
0:54 H. Foley? I forgot to give him a shout out.
0:56 Speaker 02 You are not lying.
0:57 H. Foley? Yeah, she's powerlifting out there, dude.
0:59 Speaker 02 What, there was some knee jerks?
1:00 H. Foley? 2025, she's just getting it done.
1:02 Speaker 02 Clean jerks, yeah. She's after it.
1:03 H. Foley? Hang jerks.
1:04 Speaker 02 Hang jerks. I've done that.
1:06 H. Foley? Squabbles. What's it called?
1:07 Speaker 02 If you get caught, that will jam you up.
1:09 H. Foley? Goblet squat. Like a goblet squat?
1:11 Speaker 02 I don't know what that is.
1:12 H. Foley? Ah, they suck.
1:13 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:14 H. Foley? I don't like them at all. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman, just opened up his third Krispy Kreme franchise.
1:24 Speaker 02 [laughing]
1:25 H. Foley? He's expanding his empire. Kevin James Ryan.
1:29 Speaker 02 What up, everybody? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in, as always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, and now Spotify. Check that out over there, gang.
1:36 H. Foley? Look at that.
1:37 Speaker 02 Full video available on YouTube, and obviously, the greatest website of all time. www.patreon.com/areyougarbage. You go over there, you get all your bonus content, gang. You sign up now, you get four years of bonus content.
1:49 H. Foley? Look at that.
1:50 Speaker 02 I'm talking videos, I'm talking on the road stuff, behind the scenes.
1:54 H. Foley? Ireland, Disney, the Cribs episode, the Patty and Denise episode.
1:58 Speaker 02 Foley's first limo ride ever.
2:00 H. Foley? Yeah.
2:01 Speaker 02 Which was, that was a humdinger of a vid we did.
2:03 H. Foley? Wouldn't fit now.
2:04 Speaker 02 Sure.
2:06 H. Foley? Nice shirt, by the way.
2:07 Speaker 02 Thanks. I don't know why we're entering the year under these war, these warlike
2:11 H. Foley? It continues!
2:12 Speaker 02 Circumstances of the black
2:14 H. Foley? You also, you gotta get a bubbly drink. You saw me having a diet gig.
2:19 Speaker 02 You want, just, is your resolution for 2025 to be me? Because I think that's what's happening.
2:24 H. Foley? I want to be bald with one eyebrow.
2:26 Speaker 02 Be better for you than whatever you got going on now.
2:30 H. Foley? That's a little mean, I apologize. I wanted to ask you this, too.
2:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, please.
2:34 H. Foley? I need money.
2:38 H. Foley? How do you play it? Now, I know, I think I know what the decorum is. But how do you play it? Okay, let's say you and the bird are going out to dinner. All right, you're walking into the restaurant. Luke, I open this up to you as well. You're walking into the restaurant. Does she go first, or do you go first?
2:57 Speaker 02 She goes first.
2:58 H. Foley? Right.
2:59 Speaker 02 I'll hold the door, typically. Hey, all right, go right on in there.
3:03 H. Foley? She wants me to go first. She doesn't like going in first.
3:06 Speaker 02 Take out any of the ops. You know, a big fullback making that hole for you, baby.
3:10 H. Foley? Fourth and one.
3:11 Speaker 02 Couple of chop blocks coming in. Okay, she wants you to go first.
3:14 H. Foley? I don't want to have to punt it like a loser.
3:16 Speaker 02 She wants you to go first.
3:17 H. Foley? She stopped, dude, it drives me crazy. She like stops. And I'm like, I look like a dickhead if you don't go first. But she doesn't want to be the one to walk up to the hostess and be like, hey, blah, blah, blah. And if she does, she fucks it up. She's at, because she'll give the wrong name. And it's just like, now that we got it.
3:36 Speaker 02 What do you mean the wrong name?
3:37 H. Foley? She'll think it's under her name or my name.
3:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, but this is all a five second, is the reservation is under your name or mine? Or hey, it's either under A or it's under B.
3:48 H. Foley? I don't like any trouble at the hostess stand. I like to fucking slide in.
3:52 Speaker 02 It sounds like you're causing trouble at the hostess stand.
3:54 H. Foley? I'm not causing trouble at the hostess stand.
3:56 Speaker 02 There's enough events for this to be an issue.
4:00 H. Foley? So it should be, I open the door for her and she goes in.
4:03 Speaker 02 Also, then you soup Nazi, you step in and take a, she goes in, steps right to the right, and waits for the bulldog to come in. Start eating the mince already.
4:14 Speaker 02 He's toothpicks for everyone.
4:18 H. Foley? Two under Gorgon, please. Um, no, she's, takes two steps in and freezes and stops and then like, I gotta give her like the little push in the back.
4:27 Speaker 03 Get out of the way. You're ruining our anniversary. Get out of the way. Stop that.
4:32 H. Foley? Man, that shit drives me nuts.
4:33 Speaker 02 The tight, the tight teeth, uh.
4:37 H. Foley? That's our whole relationship.
4:38 Speaker 02 Oh man, my mom.
4:39 H. Foley? Do me a favor. Just stop it.
4:42 Speaker 02 My mom.
4:42 H. Foley? Don't finish that. Let me get a bite.
4:44 Speaker 02 My mom and my stepdad, anytime they were cooking at the house, oh my god.
4:48 H. Foley? Yeah?
4:48 Speaker 02 The whisper fights at the stove. Cause the way it is, they're backs to like the rest of the party. When they're over there in the corner.
4:54 H. Foley? Put it over there.
4:57 Speaker 02 It was always my stepmom breaking my stepdad, or my mom breaking my stepdad's stone. Yeah, cocktail or two in them, you know?
5:03 H. Foley? Goddamn gentleman.
5:04 Speaker 02 It's a holiday. Uh, yeah, it was always like, all right, they're whisper fighting over the rolls or something. Something that don't matter.
5:10 H. Foley? And does the bird tell you what she wants? Like, I, like.
5:14 Speaker 02 What do you mean?
5:16 H. Foley? Like before the, before the server comes over.
5:19 Speaker 02 No, we sit there in silence. Yeah, you talk about the, you talk about the menu.
5:22 H. Foley? No, not, not talk about what you wanna get, but.
5:24 Speaker 02 I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. What are you thinking? How about us? She also, she does that promo where she'll look beforehand.
5:29 H. Foley? I like that.
5:30 Speaker 02 She Googles the menu. She's like, I'm thinking of how to do the duck.
5:33 H. Foley? I like that. I like, I like, cause I like her, sometimes if we're on our way somewhere, I'll be like, pull up the menu. Let's see what we're, let's see what we're walking into. And it's fun to hear her read off the, uh, you know, the appetizers and stuff.
5:45 Speaker 02 Call that foreplay in your relationship.
5:50 Speaker 02 Start pressing the buttons and hitting the knobs, huh?
5:52 H. Foley? I'm rubbing drawn butter on my nipples.
5:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, say it slower. Start over.
5:57 H. Foley? Not that. Not how, we should get this, we should get that. She tells me like I'm the way, like, I'm gonna get a Tito's martini or whatever.
6:06 Speaker 02 You are, she is.
6:07 H. Foley? She says that to me. Or I'm just, or if we're like, uh, like a Dunkin' Donuts or a Starbucks or something like that, I'm gonna get the whatever. She'll tell, I'm like, tell the fucking lady. I'm not ordering for you.
6:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm not sure I understand where, I'm not understa- man, you are a lot to deal with. I'm not sure I understand.
6:26 H. Foley? I'm a handful.
6:27 Speaker 02 I'm not sure I understand why that bothers you. That's just like in line or at table.
6:32 H. Foley? Just tell the server what you want.
6:36 Speaker 02 I know, but she's sitting there with, what she, I think I'm gonna do a Tito's martini. Okay, yeah, it's great.
6:40 H. Foley? She doesn't say it like that. She says it like she's telling me for me to order it.
6:46 H. Foley? Does that make sense?
6:46 Speaker 02 But then she then orders it?
6:48 H. Foley? No.
6:49 Speaker 02 Wait, what?
6:50 H. Foley? She fucks that up too.
6:51 Speaker 02 I don't know what you're talking about.
6:52 H. Foley? Same drink she gets all the time. Then if she does it, she like freezes up. Then they started asking her about olives and it's the whole thing.
7:03 H. Foley? He's broads.
7:06 Speaker 02 Dude, I get it a lot. She'll be like, she'll know what she wants, but then the waiter comes over and with a lot-
7:13 H. Foley? They freeze up.
7:14 Speaker 02 No, no, hers is more of like, uh-
7:16 H. Foley? Say something!
7:16 Speaker 02 English is a second language type thing, cause they'll rattle out, they'll rattle off those specials real quick. And I'm just conditioned dirtbag. We don't do the specials. You're, you know, you're, you don't even make eye contact.
7:27 H. Foley? No, no, no, no, no.
7:28 Speaker 02 That's sell you the undercoating. That's how they get you. Getting the specials, you know?
7:32 H. Foley? I need a manager. I'm not doing this.
7:33 Speaker 02 Let me guess. It's more expensive than everything else on a menu? No, thank you. Okay?
7:37 H. Foley? A deposit?
7:40 Speaker 02 Run my card now? Um, they, uh, they'll go, that's a whatever into a whatever with a whatever with a demi glaze and a ba ba ba ba ba. And she'll look at me and be like, what's a demi? I'm like, I don't know. I don't even listen to this guy. What do you do? Get the chicken fingers? Let's go. A demi god? A demi gorgon can't kill him. Uh, yeah, that kind of stuff. I was like, so that, and then she'll be like, what's that? And then he looks at me and I gotta translate and I'm like, I don't know. If it's not a chicken parm or chicken Alfredo or something, I'm at, I don't know.
8:10 H. Foley? So you're saying this is me?
8:13 Speaker 02 I think it's a combination of both of you. Yeah, I would assume. I don't know. I don't underst- yeah, I think you're a, you're a bit of a freakazoid, I think is the clinical term for it. You get, you're not-
8:25 H. Foley? How's that supposed to make me feel?
8:27 Speaker 02 You're not real chill. You're afraid to, you're gonna embarrass or you're gonna, and we, we come from it too. It's like you don't want the-
8:36 H. Foley? I got yelled at a lot in restaurants when I was a kid.
8:38 Speaker 02 You're like apologizing to the waiter for taking your order, cause you don't wanna make it seem like, I'm sorry, onion keb. You know, it's like that kind of, you feel like you're imposing on them.
8:46 H. Foley? She's a dumb broad.
8:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, I apologize. This is my lovely wife, dumb broad, but you know, whatever. Uh, yeah, you do that kind of stuff. You don't care. This is what it is. You're more- You, you don't want to come off as a bother, or you want to impress, you want to impress the waiter more than you care about getting in a fight with your wife? That's what it is. You don't care, you know you can solve that. You'll never get a second chance with this waiter. If that starts off bad, you're done for it. You know what I mean?
9:19 H. Foley? Come back.
9:19 Speaker 02 I'm sorry about-
9:21 H. Foley? Let her order again.
9:23 Speaker 02 I think that's what it is.
9:24 H. Foley? Okay.
9:24 Speaker 02 You know, hey.
9:28 H. Foley? I got a lot of growing to do this year.
9:29 Speaker 02 No slimming, no slim. We got a lot of shrinking to do. The word is shrinking, shrinking, shrinking. Shrink it up.
9:37 H. Foley? Oh, they're shrinking.
9:38 Speaker 02 What?
9:40 H. Foley? Little guy.
9:41 Speaker 02 Uh, but all that's neither here nor there, gang. We got a gosh darn 2025 family episode to get into. Happy New Year to everybody out there.
9:48 H. Foley? Of course.
9:49 Speaker 02 All the, uh, well, the homies have gotten a Happy New Year. All the bozos. Shout out to all the bozos. The army of garbage is strong. We got a lot of live show dates coming up.
9:58 H. Foley? Yeah, how about that?
9:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:00 H. Foley? Back on the road.
10:01 Speaker 02 The boys are back on the road.
10:03 H. Foley? Back on the road.
10:04 Speaker 02 Back on the road, baby.
10:05 H. Foley? A little bit it runs. Selective cities.
10:08 Speaker 02 Selective cities. Um, also Route 66, a lot of people has, Route 66 is in the works. That's gonna be a bit of a bigger project coming out.
10:18 H. Foley? Ooh.
10:19 Speaker 02 Not very soon. Coming out soon. Working on it.
10:22 H. Foley? Been seeing the dailies on that.
10:23 Speaker 02 Woo, that's, that's gonna be a fun piece of business. Um, but like I said, all that, all that aside.
10:30 H. Foley? Sure.
10:30 Speaker 02 Let's get into a nice family episode.
10:34 H. Foley? Cleanest.
10:34 Speaker 02 What is 2025? Year of the what, Luke? Look it up.
10:38 H. Foley? I know. Year of the snake.
10:40 Speaker 02 Is it?
10:40 H. Foley? Yeah.
10:43 Speaker 04 Year of the snake.
10:44 Speaker 02 Whoa.
10:46 Speaker 04 Snake nose.
10:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, snake would know that.
10:48 H. Foley? Told me in the meeting last week.
10:50 Speaker 02 You rat snake.
10:51 H. Foley? Dirtbags. Boys, this is our year.
10:53 Speaker 02 Coming out of the woodwork.
10:57 H. Foley? The year of the snake. What is it? Does it mean anything?
11:01 Speaker 04 Uh, the snake is linked to metamorphosis, wisdom, and intuition.
11:06 Speaker 02 You are gonna get bigger.
11:08 H. Foley? I have been eating a mice once a month.
11:11 Speaker 02 A mice?
11:11 H. Foley? No.
11:12 Speaker 02 Mouse.
11:13 H. Foley? Whatever.
11:13 Speaker 02 Sure.
11:13 H. Foley? You got to fucking ice me on that. Let's redo that. I've been eating a mouse once a month.
11:18 Speaker 02 There you go.
11:20 H. Foley? Fix that post.
11:21 Speaker 02 Cut it, print it. Uh, alright, this one's from Trusty Fiend. $10 Airbnb driveway cigarette, deep cut. Is it garbage to pull up to a red light? Get out of the car, go push the crosswalk button, trigger to change the light?
11:33 H. Foley? Man, goddamn heroes, what you are.
11:36 Speaker 02 That's, uh, I mean, but that-
11:38 H. Foley? Do they work?
11:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think so. Um, I don't think they really work in New York, that's all time.
11:44 H. Foley? I've never seen one in New York.
11:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:46 H. Foley? No. They're not at the corners.
11:49 Speaker 02 Maybe not every corner, they're there. They, they for sure exist. You don't think New York City has a crosswalk button, Foley?
11:53 H. Foley? Are you drinking again? I've never seen it.
11:57 Speaker 02 Listen, you don't crawl, you don't walk a lot, alright?
12:00 H. Foley? What?
12:01 Speaker 04 They got the beepers for the blind people sometimes, too.
12:03 H. Foley? I said, what's that?
12:05 Speaker 04 That's the same thing, it's all set up.
12:06 H. Foley? That ain't helping me.
12:08 Speaker 02 There was, there used to be one, I used to work by like, uh, a blind institute or something? And it was, I didn't realize, first of all-
12:15 H. Foley? Institute for Blind Technology.
12:16 Speaker 02 I don't know.
12:17 H. Foley? The BBI.
12:19 Speaker 02 What? That's not even- BBI Institute for Blind Techni- You had one letter right.
12:24 H. Foley? I, I, IBTI. Institute for Blind Technology.
12:28 Speaker 02 No, you're still-
12:28 H. Foley? Institute.
12:30 Speaker 02 Of America. The American Association of Americans.
12:33 H. Foley? They do institute twice.
12:35 Speaker 02 Um-
12:36 H. Foley? It's a big deal.
12:37 Speaker 02 But I used to, I used to stand out front of my building and catch heaters where I used to work at the law firm. And, uh, I was like, just like, there is a high density of blind people that live in this neighborhood. This is crazy. Like, they were, every day you saw like four or five blind people. I'm like, what the hell's going on? I've been living in New York for a decade, I, you see, you know, one a month or something like that. Uh, and then I found out it was by the institute, but the crosswalk that is-
13:02 H. Foley? It's by the institute.
13:03 Speaker 02 Obviously.
13:04 H. Foley? You're at the fat bald institute?
13:06 Speaker 02 Oh, fat, there's a lot of guys that look like me. Now, I had a pretty decent hairline, I was way, I was way trimmed, I was probably like a buck ninety at that time.
13:13 H. Foley? Lucky you.
13:14 Speaker 02 Uh-
13:16 H. Foley? Sure you was a meatball, man.
13:17 Speaker 02 Sad, no, saddest lunch breaks of my life. Sitting out there, eating Duane Reade nuts. A Diet Coke and cranking about seven or eight heaters in 25 minutes.
13:29 H. Foley? You still talk to Duane?
13:32 Speaker 02 Gary! Um- But they had a specialized crosswalk, a guy who would come over and be like, "It's now safe to cross the street because there were so many blind people."
13:42 H. Foley? An actual guy?
13:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, but not like live, it was a recording, but he was a New Yorker, so I was like, "You are now allowed to cross the street, cocksucker," or whatever.
13:50 H. Foley? Go Jets!
13:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was very, very, I'm like, "You couldn't have got just like a computer AI voice to do that?"
13:55 H. Foley? Sure.
13:56 Speaker 02 It's a tram car lady or something.
13:57 H. Foley? Gives a little character though, you trust a voice like that.
14:00 Speaker 02 Sure.
14:01 H. Foley? Yeah. Man, I don't trust the guy's voice on the subway now. Back in the old days when the fucking conductor would be saying it, you know, some guy from Bensonhurst or something like that.
14:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:10 H. Foley? "Next stop, 48th Street."
14:11 Speaker 02 "This is where you can get a great gyro sandwich if you buy that." He gives you like the, "Great dollar slice."
14:18 H. Foley? "Just go to Mel's." Um, that's how Danny Aiello started, famed actor Danny Aiello. He was a subway conductor and some director, it might have been, uh, Francis Ford Coppola, but I could be wrong, heard him and said, "That guy's got a great voice," and put him in a movie. Could have been The Godfather 1, if I believe, one of the Rosado brothers. Didn't have any lines, which is strange.
14:44 Speaker 02 Hey.
14:45 H. Foley? I know, he had one line, Michael Corleone says hello. And then he, uh, tries to choke out Frankie Pantangeli.
14:52 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
14:53 H. Foley? Chicken wire. Piano wire.
14:55 Speaker 02 Chicken, chicken wings.
14:57 Speaker 04 Godfather Part 2.
14:58 H. Foley? That's right, there you go, Godfather Part 2, I apologize. Was that his first movie?
15:03 Speaker 04 Uh, that was, like, yeah, his first movie.
15:06 H. Foley? Do you know, you don't know who Danny Aiello is, do you?
15:08 Speaker 04 No idea. No, his first film role came from Bang the Drum Slowly.
15:11 H. Foley? Hmm, okay, I think I saw that. Um, man, he was great, I love Danny Aiello. You know Danny Aiello?
15:19 Speaker 02 I don't think I do.
15:20 H. Foley? Yeah, you do. He played Sal in Do the Right Thing.
15:23 Speaker 02 I've never seen it.
15:25 H. Foley? No kidding. You wanna see a real, I told you before.
15:28 Speaker 02 How do you spell Aiello?
15:30 H. Foley? A-I-E-L-L-O.
15:32 Speaker 02 Anello?
15:34 H. Foley? Aiello.
15:35 Speaker 04 A-I-E-L-L-O, yeah.
15:38 H. Foley? See? Italians. Screwballs.
15:41 Speaker 02 I don't know that guy.
15:43 H. Foley? You don't know Danny Aiello?
15:44 Speaker 02 Mm-mm.
15:45 H. Foley? Moonstruck?
15:46 Speaker 02 I know him when he used to be the train conductor, I know from that, pretty good.
15:50 Speaker 02 No.
15:51 H. Foley? That is rude. Um, getting out of your car. Actually, I was in this situation not too long ago. So they redid the highway out by my, out by Patty's. Back in the day, when you were coming off one of the side streets, they had the wire. And if it was in the middle of the night, you could trip it.
16:08 Speaker 02 We've talked about that. Yeah, you pull up, you pull back.
16:10 H. Foley? Yeah. Um, it's also, as I did that, it's scary by yourself.
16:15 Speaker 02 What?
16:16 H. Foley? Just when you're on like an empty road by yourself and you're stuck at a red light, that's how they get you.
16:22 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm. You know what's really scary, sorry to cut you off, you know what's really scary when you're, it's late at night, you're driving by yourself and there's only one car right behind you? And you're clocking him and you go, when I get up to the intersection, I'm making a right. And then he gets behind you and you go, alright, I start going, where can I bust the U.E.? Like, what can I do? Do I, do I try to burn him off the light? Do I blow the red light? Cause if you blow a red light and he follows you, you're jammed off. That guy's got your number.
16:46 H. Foley? Keep going, or it's a cop.
16:48 Speaker 02 Boop, boop. Light him up.
16:49 H. Foley? There was always a rumor, or a wives tale, or a urban legend, back when I was a kid, that if you were driving down the street and somebody had their high beams on coming this way? And you flash your lights at them, they would turn around and follow you and murder you, and it was some type of gang initiation.
17:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's, we heard that too. See, that's gotta be, look up the flashing lights, gang member initiation. I think we might have looked this up at some point, it was like, one time, or maybe I had something happen in like, I don't know, California.
17:16 H. Foley? What would you say if you saw somebody with one headlight coming down? What would you do?
17:19 Speaker 02 What do you mean?
17:20 H. Foley? You wouldn't do or say anything in the car? You wouldn't touch the roof and say, "Peddiddle" before anybody else?
17:25 Speaker 02 What?
17:26 H. Foley? No?
17:26 Speaker 02 Touch the roof and say, "Peddiddle"? That's what a priest does to you. A little peddiddle action. Touch the roof and say, "Peddiddle"?
17:33 H. Foley? You never heard of peddiddle? Peddiddle. If you see a car with one headlight, you go, "Peddiddle."
17:38 Speaker 02 Or what?
17:39 H. Foley? It's who can get there first. It's like, it's like Jinx, saying Jinx.
17:42 Speaker 02 It's like Punch Buggy Yellow?
17:43 H. Foley? Yeah, Punch Buggy Yellow's pretty good.
17:45 Speaker 02 Man, I mean, that, that caused a lot of fistfights in the back of my dad's Jeep.
17:48 H. Foley? I hated those cars.
17:50 Speaker 02 Me versus my dad. Flash, sorry, flashing your headlights on an incoming car is not a gang initiation ritual. It's a hoax.
17:58 H. Foley? Okay.
17:58 Speaker 02 Maybe not in the streets of Connecticut, but back where...
18:00 H. Foley? Yeah, no kidding.
18:01 Speaker 02 Come to Bucks County and try that shit.
18:03 H. Foley? Yeah.
18:04 Speaker 02 Um, okay, there you go. Yeah, that was an old wives tale.
18:08 H. Foley? So what I was gonna say is we got stuck at, uh, Adelaide and there was a thing, but I was too scared to get out and touch it.
18:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, I would never, my laziness is like-
18:18 H. Foley? I respect the move, though.
18:19 Speaker 02 I get it, but I'm just going, my laziness of going, alright, this'll turn in like, I dunno, a minute? That's not worth me getting out of the car, forgetting to put it in park, have to chase it down the road. And then you go, next thing you know, you're ghost riding the whip.
18:30 H. Foley? Have you ever done that?
18:31 Speaker 02 What?
18:31 H. Foley? Got out of the car when it's still in drive?
18:33 Speaker 02 Uh, no, I don't think so.
18:37 H. Foley? Patty did it once, on a snowy day on a hill at our old house. We were playing out in the snow and she was going to work, she backed the car out, parked it in front of the house and like had to run in to get something, fucking car rolled all the way down the street. And we just watched her run down the street like a maniac, "Ayy, yeah!" Screaming.
18:56 Speaker 02 She's doing the gritty next to it. Dude, when you're ghost riding the whip got big, that was alright and then all those-
19:03 H. Foley? This is in the 80's.
19:05 Speaker 02 She was ahead of her time, what are you, you know, doing the patty.
19:08 H. Foley? Teach me how to dougie?
19:09 Speaker 02 Um, I, uh, I, I gotta, I forgot, I gotta, I gotta loom update for ya, now that we're talking about shitty cars. So we did the episode in the Lumina, uh, before the park show. After that, went back, parked it, blah, blah, blah, uh, and then over the holidays, I went to take her for a spin.
19:30 H. Foley? Uh-oh.
19:31 Speaker 02 Couldn't get it out of park.
19:33 H. Foley? Oh.
19:34 Speaker 02 And I'm, I'm yanking it, I'm, I'm like doing the thing where I'm like, she, you know, like trying, maybe, maybe the gear, like the wheels gotta click into gears, like something.
19:42 H. Foley? There's a guy in Cleveland listening to this, counting his money going-
19:46 Speaker 02 It was Fort Wayne, Indiana.
19:47 H. Foley? Sucker.
19:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't know what to do now. I, I still, it's still just stuck in park.
19:53 H. Foley? Oh, you can't get it out?
19:54 Speaker 02 And it's not registered, I can't find the title.
19:56 H. Foley? Whoa.
19:57 Speaker 02 Things are bad over here.
19:58 H. Foley? Jesus.
19:59 Speaker 02 Uh-huh.
20:00 H. Foley? It's gotta be, you got, you're, you're doing it wrong.
20:02 Speaker 02 What do you mean, I'm, I under-
20:03 H. Foley? You're doing it wrong.
20:04 Speaker 02 That was clear, I mean-
20:05 H. Foley? I got the touch, I'll come down there and get it.
20:08 Speaker 02 What do you mean?
20:09 H. Foley? I got the touch.
20:09 Speaker 02 You break most things you touch.
20:11 H. Foley? No, I, I have a touch with that kinda stuff. I can always get it, get it open, get it off, get it out.
20:16 Speaker 02 I, buddy, I've been with you every day for 12 years, you've never been the guy-
20:20 H. Foley? I know, I know.
20:20 Speaker 02 Anyone's turned to, to fix anything.
20:22 H. Foley? I know where the sweet spot is.
20:24 Speaker 02 Okay.
20:24 H. Foley? And the G-spot.
20:27 Speaker 02 It's in your belly button.
20:28 H. Foley? Ew. Mine is.
20:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, of course. I'll find a Fruit Loop in there or something.
20:35 Speaker 02 Uh, but yeah, with the getting out of person, I get it. That's a dirt, for sure, dirtbag move, but I don't, the, I would never do it, the getting out of the car.
20:44 H. Foley? Get clipped by somebody making a left.
20:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's just not worth it to me. The, the, the, the squeeze isn't worth, worth the juice to me on that one.
20:52 H. Foley? The feeling?
20:53 Speaker 02 But I've, I mean, that's pure dirtbag.
20:55 H. Foley? The feeling of getting out of your car on a street is so strange. You know what I mean?
21:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:04 H. Foley? When you left to get out, did you ever get, was there ever so much traffic on the turnpike where he got out and everyone's looking down like a dirtbag?
21:11 Speaker 02 No, we've, I've definitely been in park before, but never.
21:13 H. Foley? Sure.
21:14 Speaker 02 I remember one time we tried, we did the Chinese fire drill at a, that's when you get out of the car and run around it. It was at a, uh, a train was-
21:23 H. Foley? Went to college in the 60s?
21:24 Speaker 02 A train, a train was coming.
21:26 H. Foley? What?
21:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, like a train was, a freight train was crossing the tracks and we got out and did it then. I think Vinny's shoe fell off or something and we were like, what the, and then we started going and his shoe was under the car. It was, I remember it not ending well. Somebody was shoeless. Shoeless Joe Jackson. Shoeless Vinny with the skinny.
21:44 H. Foley? Okay. Yeah, I never did a Chinese fire drill.
21:50 Speaker 02 Okay.
21:54 H. Foley? That sounds like a good time.
21:55 Speaker 02 Sure.
21:56 H. Foley? We should do one now. Switch seats real quick.
21:59 Speaker 02 Somebody hit the crosswalk button. Uh, all right, let's see here. This is a question. This is from Smashing Blumpkin's. Great name.
22:06 H. Foley? Oh, wow.
22:06 Speaker 02 This kid, he's had a couple of them, I think. When I was a kid, I got my forehead autographed by a Blues Brother impersonator at a Redding, Redding Phillies game. Dude, that's-
22:18 H. Foley? A Blues Brother impersonator?
22:20 Speaker 02 Uh huh. That's, I mean-
22:22 H. Foley? Was it Jake or Elroy? That's the question.
22:24 Speaker 02 Who?
22:25 H. Foley? Jake and Elroy.
22:26 Speaker 02 I don't know who that is.
22:27 H. Foley? Blues. Jake was, uh, John Belushi and Elroy was.
22:33 Speaker 02 Oh, was it Jake or Elroy?
22:34 H. Foley? Jake or Elroy.
22:35 Speaker 02 I thought you said, oh, I see what you're saying. What one? I thought you were naming famed Blues brother impersonators. I was like, what?
22:41 H. Foley? Tony Ragioni?
22:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm like, holy, I'm like, how, how deep do you go, dude?
22:46 H. Foley? Man, that is trash.
22:47 Speaker 02 That's bad. I've never...
22:49 H. Foley? Your forehead?
22:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, where were your parents, dude?
22:52 H. Foley? You sucked a guy's dick too? Jesus Christ.
22:55 Speaker 02 As a family program. Um, I, uh, that's, I mean, that's no, at no point at any event, at any age, at any level of my dirtbaggedness, would my parents be like, get your forehead signed, or I knew I could come home with my forehead signed? It would be an issue.
23:13 H. Foley? Get the whole team on there.
23:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's like, sign the paper, sign a, sign my arm, maybe.
23:20 H. Foley? Looks like the wall of the Comedy Store.
23:23 Speaker 02 Oh, because my head's big. I didn't get it.
23:25 H. Foley? Jesus Christ. It takes a minute.
23:30 Speaker 02 The, the, the brainwave got far, gotta cover a lot of the ground up there for me to get the joke.
23:36 H. Foley? That's a, man, that's...
23:37 Speaker 02 That's dirt, I mean, that's insane. That's craziness.
23:40 H. Foley? And I would assume he waited a couple of days to take a shower because he didn't want to waste it.
23:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, wait till he gets back to school, show off the goods, you know what I mean? Did you ever do a Redding Phillies game?
23:50 H. Foley? No. Never did a Redding Phillies, never been to a minor league baseball game.
23:54 Speaker 02 Ooh, Trenton Thunder was great.
23:56 H. Foley? Never been.
23:57 Speaker 02 That was a good time.
23:57 H. Foley? I know the Yankees...
23:58 Speaker 02 I, I do remember the first time I went, my buddy's, uh, Matt's family took me. They're like, you want to go to the Trenton Thunder? I'd never heard of it.
24:05 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
24:05 Speaker 02 And I was like, they're like, yeah, it's a baseball, and we went, and it's like, very small and fun, but I, I thought we were going to like, a Phillies game that I see on television, not this like...
24:14 H. Foley? Who are these bums?
24:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm like, this looks like, yeah, this looks like where we play baseball.
24:17 H. Foley? That guy works at Foot Locker. The hell?
24:19 Speaker 02 At first I was like, what the hell is this? And they gave me a cool little bat.
24:22 H. Foley? You gotta make your own hot dogs?
24:23 Speaker 02 And I got an ice cream. I was like, alright, I'm in, dude. This is all, everybody gets a bat, let's go.
24:28 H. Foley? He had 2% on his team. No, I've never been to a minor league baseball game. I know the Brooklyn Cyclones is a fun time. They did have a minor league team in Wilkes-Barre.
24:40 Speaker 02 The Steel Pigs. No, that was Bethlehem.
24:43 Speaker 04 Iron Pigs?
24:44 Speaker 02 Iron Pigs. Steel Pigs. I was, that was a, I mean, I had to, you know, right raw material.
24:52 H. Foley? Sure.
24:53 Speaker 02 Copper Pigs?
24:55 H. Foley? It was either the Yankees or the Phillies. Redding Phillies. Maybe, maybe it was the Yankees in Wilkes-Barre, but I never went. Let's set it up.
25:04 Speaker 02 I would love to do one. Also, you know, you know what's a lot of fun is spring training's a great time. You go down to Clearwater, Florida?
25:10 H. Foley? To go to spring training my entire fucking life.
25:14 Speaker 02 We can make that happen.
25:15 H. Foley? My Uncle Mike used to do it.
25:16 Speaker 02 We got 500 bucks.
25:18 H. Foley? They'd go down there for a couple of weeks, him and my aunt, yeah, or maybe like a week. They'd go down there for a week. They'd do dinner. They'd relax. Nice. Get a little color for, for the summer.
25:31 Speaker 02 We went like 60 of us deep. It was my, it was right before my grandfather. My grandfather, big Phil's guy, would listen to the game. Would listen to all the games. Uh, and he was getting to the age where he couldn't fly. Like it was, you know, I mean, he lived to like 96, I think, but this is probably.
25:46 H. Foley? Really?
25:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, this is probably 15 years ago. Yeah. So he's probably 80 and they're like, you, you, you ain't got that many flights left. You know what I mean? So we loaded them up, strapped them to, no. We, uh, we got it. We all went down, the whole family. Every like active family member went down.
26:04 H. Foley? No kidding?
26:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's probably about 12 years ago. Went down and, uh, man.
26:07 H. Foley? Can we go? Let's go.
26:08 Speaker 02 The Sullivans invaded Clearwater, Florida.
26:11 H. Foley? Probably it's something a month or so starts up.
26:14 Speaker 02 Training. Yeah, I, probably March, right? It starts?
26:16 H. Foley? I think February.
26:18 Speaker 02 What do you got on spring training?
26:19 H. Foley? Pitchers and catchers at least.
26:20 Speaker 04 March, yeah, like March 4th, we could watch them play the Yankees.
26:24 H. Foley? Really? I always wanted to do spring training as well. If I could go with the team, I feel like that would like really help me.
26:32 Speaker 02 I don't know what you mean.
26:33 H. Foley? It just seems awesome. It does. It's not like football camp where like, I know this probably isn't how it is, but it just seems like they're just warming up for like a month. You know, they're just having a catch.
26:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't think that's, I think it's probably pretty strenuous.
26:47 H. Foley? They're riding the bike. They're doing some drills. They probably go, you know, getting.
26:50 Speaker 02 You could do all that stuff in your apartment.
26:53 H. Foley? Yeah, but not with Harper.
26:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, you just wanna hang out with hot guys.
26:56 H. Foley? Sure.
26:57 Speaker 02 Okay.
26:57 H. Foley? Castellanos, hang out with the boys, couple massages, go have a couple of steaks down there. You know what I mean? It's probably really nice. Have people come in and out a couple of days. They probably set you up with a condo down there, little per diem. It seems nice.
27:14 Speaker 02 Plus the broads probably ain't too bad.
27:16 H. Foley? Probably all hanging around here. Trying to get their hands on one of them before the season starts.
27:20 Speaker 02 Sure.
27:21 H. Foley? You know what I mean?
27:22 Speaker 02 Maybe get a, you know, get your, sink your hooks into a new rookie or something. Maybe he's got a good year.
27:27 H. Foley? Dude hits it. Get pregnant real quick. I know how it works.
27:31 Speaker 02 You're just down there flirting with all the guys. We, we go down for a game in March, you're just in the, you're in the outfield. Hey Harper! I'll suck your dick.
27:42 H. Foley? Hey, married man.
27:44 Speaker 02 What?
27:45 H. Foley? He's a married man.
27:46 Speaker 02 So are you.
27:47 H. Foley? Alright.
27:49 H. Foley? That would be fun. To do it. What about a fantasy camp? Can I do a fantasy baseball camp? Do they have that still?
27:58 Speaker 02 Hey Chubbs, your whole life is a fantasy camp. You eat nine sandwiches a day. You have three dinners. What do you thought? Your whole life's a fantasy.
28:04 H. Foley? I wanna throw some smoke off the mound.
28:07 H. Foley? Hit somebody with a little chin music. It does seem nice though.
28:11 Speaker 02 That's a good, what? To be, I don't, I don't, I'm not understa-
28:13 H. Foley? To be a player at spring training. It's probably pretty fun.
28:16 Speaker 02 To be a guy worth 25 million dollars, hanging out.
28:19 H. Foley? Nah, forget about the money. I'm not, if, I'm, I'm not try, I'm on the team. I'm not, I'm not like a, like a guy trying to stay out of the minors. I got a contract, I'm chilling. It's probably nice.
28:31 Speaker 02 Sure, I don't know, yeah, I-
28:33 H. Foley? I think they just like ride the bike and throw the ball around a little bit. They're just, and swing two bats and do that shit.
28:39 Speaker 02 Okay.
28:39 H. Foley? Do this shit with the bat.
28:41 Speaker 04 I can get you the ultimate Phillies experience, January 22nd in Clearwater, Florida.
28:46 H. Foley? What is it? Is it one day?
28:48 Speaker 04 I think it's of like a week.
28:49 H. Foley? Who am I rooming with?
28:50 Speaker 04 Join a lineup of Phillies legends like John Crook, Mickey Moriarty, Larry Boa.
28:55 Speaker 02 Mickey Moriarty.
28:57 Speaker 04 Whoops.
28:57 Speaker 02 Larry Boa.
28:58 Speaker 04 Chase Utley.
28:59 Speaker 02 Chase Butley?
29:00 H. Foley? Chase Utley?
29:01 Speaker 04 Yeah.
29:01 H. Foley? Who else?
29:02 Speaker 04 Uh, the, the team I listed.
29:05 H. Foley? Not Ricky-
29:05 Speaker 02 Now what's that include ya?
29:08 Speaker 04 Ooh, you gotta contact them.
29:11 H. Foley? We have to contact them?
29:12 Speaker 04 What? Yeah, Philly Fantasy Camp, PH.
29:14 H. Foley? Is there a number? No, I mean, is there a dollar number?
29:17 Speaker 04 I can't find one right now.
29:19 Speaker 02 It doesn't say what you do. Do you get to play ball? You get to pitch? You get to, you know... We'll stare at them in a locker room, stuff like that? Take a shower with them?
29:28 H. Foley? Taking a shower with the cracker?
29:29 Speaker 02 I'm not, I'm not paying a couple of grand to not get a shower with one of these with Larry Boa.
29:33 H. Foley? No Ricky Batalico, though.
29:34 Speaker 04 The Phillies legends are on hand to coach you.
29:37 H. Foley? Okay.
29:38 Speaker 04 Take you through a little BP, everything. Uh, the glory days, they'll share some stories. Uh...
29:43 Speaker 02 You love the glory days.
29:44 H. Foley? I do.
29:45 Speaker 04 Oh, you get to scout, you get to play general manager.
29:48 H. Foley? Oh, that's pretty sweet. Can I throw?
29:52 Speaker 04 Yeah, obviously.
29:54 H. Foley? Can we film? Whenever we can film that, that'd be alright.
29:56 Speaker 04 Utley's gonna crank a homer off you.
29:58 H. Foley? Yeah, right. Fucking put them in the dirt.
30:01 Speaker 02 You'd be down there telling everybody how it's done. "Let me show you." Talking to fucking, talking to all-stars. "Hey, you need a car story? Call me, I'm the guy."
30:09 H. Foley? Turn it, turn it.
30:11 Speaker 02 Look at the stanza you are.
30:13 H. Foley? I wanna be out on the field.
30:15 Speaker 04 Starting at 2,600.
30:17 H. Foley? 2,600?
30:18 Speaker 04 Yeah. Four nights.
30:20 Speaker 02 I do owe you a wedding present.
30:21 H. Foley? Ooh, I want you guys to come too, though.
30:24 Speaker 02 You'd be insufferable down there.
30:25 H. Foley? Why?
30:26 Speaker 02 Oh, you're insufferable everywhere else I've taken you.
30:28 Speaker 04 That's rude.
30:31 H. Foley? That'd be fun.
30:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:33 H. Foley? I don't wanna be a bunch of fucking losers, though.
30:36 Speaker 02 What do you mean? It's not gonna be cool dudes paying to hang out with Larry Boa and Chase Utley. It's gonna be a bunch of guy, you know, a bunch of...
30:44 H. Foley? Maybe they're my crew.
30:44 Speaker 02 Make-a-wish dudes.
30:48 Speaker 02 It's supposed to be a bunch of guys who haven't been out of the house in a while. It's gonna be a bunch of autistic guys wanting to be baseball players.
30:54 H. Foley? No, it's probably older, older business guys that like, you know, that's how they blow off steam.
31:00 Speaker 02 What? No, older business guys are going out and going to watchy-washies and stuff. No cool dude is going to Philly's Fantasy Camp, man. I hate to break it to you. It's gonna be a bunch of like Disney adults. They're crazy to think cool dudes are doing that.
31:17 H. Foley? That means I'll definitely start.
31:18 Speaker 02 Who's gonna go back? "Yeah, so it was me and Mickey Morandini." No one wants to tell that.
31:23 H. Foley? You say anything bad about Mickey Morandini?
31:25 Speaker 02 Shout out to Double M. But, I'm just saying, nobody, I mean... It's not, I'm not saying there's not gonna be any cool dudes, but it's not gonna be loaded with cool dudes. 2,600 bucks?
31:37 Speaker 02 That's not really pricing yourself out for a week of accommodations?
31:42 H. Foley? Try to get cruck on the pod.
31:43 Speaker 02 Get cruck on the pod.
31:44 H. Foley? See if he can hook it up.
31:46 Speaker 02 Oh, so you want to get him on the pod, then ask for a free, uh...
31:51 Speaker 02 I got one ball too, John.
31:54 H. Foley? Alright. Enough of that.
31:57 Speaker 04 You get your own authentic Phillies uniform.
31:59 Speaker 02 That's good. They're gonna charge you more.
32:03 H. Foley? Whoa.
32:03 Speaker 04 Luke, get my checkbook.
32:04 Speaker 02 You're gonna come in in cleats, you're gonna be sitting, you're gonna do every episode in cleats? A bat, batting helmet, gloves?
32:11 H. Foley? That's not bad. Get me down there. I'll get ready for it, too. So I'm in spring training shape. Kids just show up.
32:18 Speaker 02 That's why you just said it's just them on the bike with...
32:20 H. Foley? You gotta be ready for that shit.
32:25 H. Foley? I'll have to drink every day before then, too, because...
32:27 Speaker 02 And hot dogs.
32:28 H. Foley? My boys like to put them away.
32:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, my tolerance of, can't be down there bubblegumming it. You gotta come, I gotta come in half-cocked.
32:36 H. Foley? Yeah.
32:37 Speaker 02 Sure.
32:37 H. Foley? Down there, throw some smoke. Probably sign me.
32:42 H. Foley? Phils.
32:43 Speaker 02 To be, I'm sorry, for what?
32:45 H. Foley? I think starting pitcher sounds about right.
32:49 H. Foley? Hey, Suarez beat it. The kids here.
32:52 Speaker 02 Uh-huh. I would do, I would do a spring training if we can make it work with the schedule.
32:57 H. Foley? Sure.
32:58 Speaker 02 It's a good time. You're down there, you're drinking big beers, it's sunny.
33:01 H. Foley? Close to the game.
33:02 Speaker 02 It's a small game, too, yeah. Small, small, uh, whatever they're called, what are they called? Stadiums, or whatever, yeah. Small ballpark. A good time.
33:11 H. Foley? I like it.
33:12 Speaker 02 There's a, we used it for like a Christmas card. There's a famous picture, Denise, my Aunt Kate and my Aunt Patty, all drinking, you know... All drinking like a Mai Tai out of a Phillies helmet cup or something like that, and they're, they are in... It's three Kensington girls in their, in their prime, dude, just like, ew! Take a picture! Get the camera, use my phone.
33:38 H. Foley? It's Jim Fregosi.
33:39 Speaker 02 Jim Fregosi and Terry Maholland? I got both their autograph. That's who signed that ball.
33:44 H. Foley? Oh, is that Terry Maholland? That's not Fregosi.
33:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's Jim, I believe it's Jim Fregosi and Terry Maholland.
33:48 H. Foley? Oh, really?
33:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:49 H. Foley? Oh, that's pretty sweet. You always told me he was some bozo. Fregosi was great.
33:55 Speaker 02 Okay. I mean, I don't think anybody's clamoring to get you...
33:59 H. Foley? Put that in my safe.
34:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's the ball you're throwing at. Guys, I brought my own.
34:05 Speaker 02 I would do it, I would do it just to watch you from afar. I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't want to-
34:12 H. Foley? Oh, you mean like, like do me the fantasy camp?
34:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I don't want to be down there with you. Cause you're gonna be talking about how like, you're on the team, like you- Cause you would go in, and this is how your brain works. You would genuinely think you're better than every other guy in the camp.
34:27 H. Foley? I don't feel that way. I'm not sport, I'm not like that in sports.
34:30 Speaker 02 Not, they're gonna like you better.
34:32 H. Foley? I'm gonna hustle?
34:35 H. Foley? Okay, I'm gonna hustle?
34:36 Speaker 02 You get stuck in the shower, what are you talking about?
34:39 H. Foley? I'm gonna hustle and I'm gonna show a lot of determination. I talk on the field. I don't talk shit. I go, I never say that about anybody. I always come in as the underdog.
34:48 Speaker 02 I don't understand what you're talking about.
34:49 H. Foley? I don't go down, oh, I'm good, I'm better. I never, I've never been like that in sports.
34:54 Speaker 02 Nah, it's not sport, no, no, no, it's not sports. It's more like, you'll be like, dude, the way they looked at me, I could tell. If I was 50 pounds lighter, they might sign me. It'd be a bunch of-
35:04 H. Foley? If that's the case?
35:05 Speaker 02 It'd be a bunch of pipe dreams that you think, I'm, I'm, they were, they were talking about, maybe I'll fly back with them and like all this stuff. You really, you really let your imagination-
35:15 H. Foley? I'm gonna grab a ride with Cruck. We're gonna take turns driving, he's driving back.
35:21 Speaker 02 You're just in like a Corolla or something, yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I'm afraid of planes!
35:29 H. Foley? I love John Cruck, he's the best. Yeah, maybe, you know? We'll see how I produce, see what the batting average is.
35:38 H. Foley? They sign me, they sign me.
35:39 Speaker 02 Well, what have you got, I mean, what do you gotta hustle up to first to beat it? You gotta, you know, to beat the play at first.
35:45 H. Foley? I'll DH.
35:46 Speaker 02 You'll DH.
35:47 H. Foley? Yeah, I'll DH and pitch. Little shortstop.
35:52 Speaker 02 You can turn a double real quick.
35:55 Speaker 02 Yuck! Your bat goes.
35:59 H. Foley? Man, I tell you, I remember that summer we played American Legion baseball. The first curveball, I was like, uh-uh. Somebody get me a bag of sunflower seeds. I'll be on the bench.
36:10 Speaker 02 I'm gonna be a vibes guy.
36:14 Speaker 02 Hey, no bother, no bother, no bother.
36:15 H. Foley? My dad always wanted me to be a baseball player, though.
36:18 Speaker 02 Uh-huh. I remember the first time they made me pitch. I was a catcher. I was a catcher.
36:26 Speaker 02 And I just remember being like...
36:28 H. Foley? I just pictured you in the dugout, wearing a dress. I don't know why.
36:32 Speaker 02 Showing my tits. Hey, boys.
36:38 H. Foley? Recreation rule states everyone has to pitch at least once.
36:41 Speaker 02 No, if somebody was out...
36:42 H. Foley? Kelvin, get up there.
36:43 Speaker 02 Somebody was hurt. Uh... And I was not bad. I was fine to throw. I was the catcher. I could catch a ball, man. I pull it right into the strike zone.
36:56 H. Foley? Why do we always put the fat kids back there?
36:58 Speaker 02 Because we're not fast.
37:00 H. Foley? But you look at modern day, uh, catchers. They're all in shape. That Rion Muto.
37:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, they're professional ballplayers. They're not fat eight-year-olds.
37:10 H. Foley? Sure, they always stuck us back there. They're gonna squat down, your ass sticking out, your knees are killing you.
37:17 Speaker 02 My one coach was Bud. He also coached my brother in soccer.
37:21 H. Foley? Sold some sticky, too.
37:24 Speaker 02 I shout out.
37:24 H. Foley? Real name was Clark.
37:26 Speaker 02 Shout out. Family friend. Neighborhood guy, around the neighborhood. Uh, I think he was a ref, too. He coached... He is big into sports.
37:36 H. Foley? You know what's funny? I don't know if I told you this. My one cousin...
37:39 Speaker 02 Knows me?
37:40 H. Foley? No. Uh, yeah, he knows you. He's at the park show.
37:43 Speaker 02 He asked about me?
37:45 H. Foley? Yeah, he likes you. Fuck, I told you, this is the park show. You know him.
37:50 Speaker 02 This is what you do to me, by the way. He talked about me.
37:55 H. Foley? They did. Mentioned you.
37:58 H. Foley? He was a-
37:58 Speaker 02 Your girth was his topic of conversation.
38:01 H. Foley? He's been, uh, he's been down there for a while, obviously raising a family down there and as the, he, he's been a coach for like, the recreation league when the kids were young. Now, a lot of these kids are in high school getting ready to go to college, they don't know. And some of them have turned into like actual athletes.
38:17 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
38:18 H. Foley? So, he's like, coach, you know? It's pretty cool, he's got a good name for himself down there.
38:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
38:24 H. Foley? Respected in the community.
38:25 Speaker 02 Sure.
38:26 H. Foley? Unlike you, heathen.
38:29 Speaker 02 What the hell, what?
38:30 H. Foley? Your busted up car.
38:33 Speaker 02 Can you take a look at that for me?
38:34 H. Foley? Uh, I get it going. I'm, I'm good with getting it out of park.
38:38 Speaker 02 You could, okay, alright.
38:39 H. Foley? I'm just saying, I got the touch.
38:40 Speaker 02 You, you, you, listen, you, you could barely get in the passenger seat, you're not gonna be able to get in with the steering-
38:47 H. Foley? I'd lean in. I don't have to get in the car. You know what I'm big on doing?
38:51 Speaker 02 You gotta press the brake.
38:52 H. Foley? You know, hand, say, that's what I do, that's what I do to start my car.
38:56 Speaker 04 No, you don't.
38:57 H. Foley? Yeah, well, if I'm doing stuff around the car and I wanna get it warmed up, I go in, I push the brake and I push the button, let it get fired up, start the engines, get the heat going.
39:06 Speaker 02 And you wanna be in my fantasy camp?
39:09 H. Foley? I'll get ready.
39:11 Speaker 02 Okay.
39:12 H. Foley? I'll hustle.
39:14 Speaker 02 You're in a golf car going to, taking third.
39:17 H. Foley? Ah, I'm paying for this.
39:18 Speaker 02 They're waving you in, chewing the Philly Fanatic on a quad.
39:21 H. Foley? Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. He's down there, he's gotta be down there. Ooh, that might sell it for me. You know, I got a real soft spot for the Fanatic.
39:31 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
39:31 H. Foley? A real soft spot. Jump to my mom's car. Which I probably told you a thousand-
39:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, she owed him 50 bucks.
39:40 Speaker 04 To meet the Fanatic was only 2,600. To do the player experience, 6 grand.
39:45 Speaker 02 Whoa!
39:45 H. Foley? Wait, 2,600 to meet the Fanatic?
39:47 Speaker 04 Well, like, you get the cocktails-
39:49 H. Foley? That's go to a fucking car dealership opening. Let him sign my forehead.
39:54 Speaker 02 We were gonna, we were, I looked, I looked into getting him for the park show to like, either bring us up or something. That'd be fun, or get Swoop up there. Yeah, physical goddamn homecoming, you know what I mean? We gotta, you gotta do some dirtbag stuff.
40:06 H. Foley? We can't follow the Fanatic.
40:08 Speaker 02 Nah, he'd, he'd close out doing our material.
40:10 H. Foley? He'd be up there bombing, you kidding me? Bring back the Fanatic!
40:14 Speaker 02 Everybody's booing us, throwing hot dogs and shit.
40:20 H. Foley? Oh shit.
40:20 Speaker 02 I love, it's like, it's like, it's relatively.
40:23 H. Foley? Is it the real guy or is it some bozo?
40:25 Speaker 02 I think they sub it out. There's a couple of them. There's like three official.
40:28 H. Foley? It's the real uniform. He's not gonna be like.
40:30 Speaker 02 No, there's like three of, no, there's like three official. Shows up in a Barney costume with a Philly shirt. What?
40:37 H. Foley? 2600 to meet the fanatic?
40:40 Speaker 04 Swoop, I can get you for 400.
40:42 H. Foley? Yeah?
40:42 Speaker 04 Yeah.
40:44 Speaker 02 Go Birds.
40:46 H. Foley? Be like any ESPN commercials, I'm hanging around. I'll say nothing.
40:50 Speaker 02 Uh, alright.
40:52 H. Foley? Yeah.
40:52 Speaker 02 Let's see here.
40:52 H. Foley? Quit screwing around. We're doing a goddamn show.
40:54 Speaker 02 I know. You're the one living in your fantasy world over here.
41:01 Speaker 02 It's also that, would you say that was January 26th? You got two weeks to get into shape here, big guy.
41:04 H. Foley? I'll be ready. Waiting for the call.
41:07 Speaker 02 Okay. Uh, this one.
41:09 H. Foley? Get some ice for my knees. That's all I need. Oh, the ice too. Plus after practice. That's the good stuff. They go sit in the ice bath. They do the jacuzzi. They probably get massages by the trainer. They get the Bengay rubbed on them. It's probably pretty sweet.
41:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, being a professional athlete?
41:27 H. Foley? Yeah.
41:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's probably awesome.
41:28 H. Foley? Plus the Gatorade and the gum and all that stuff.
41:30 Speaker 04 You do get your own personalized locker.
41:34 H. Foley? Wow.
41:40 H. Foley? Come on.
41:40 Speaker 02 Come on, what? I'm not paying for it.
41:42 H. Foley? It's all go.
41:43 Speaker 02 Why are you asking me like I'm your dad?
41:44 H. Foley? Why can't we all go?
41:45 Speaker 02 Why do you do this?
41:46 H. Foley? Why can't we all go?
41:47 Speaker 02 You can go. I'm not going to Philly's fantasy camp.
41:50 H. Foley? Because you can't cut it.
41:51 Speaker 02 I can cut it. And I forgot I'm sitting next to the only 400 pound MLB star. I forgot, guys.
42:00 Speaker 02 I just need a fanatic to tie my shoe and I'll be right out there.
42:03 H. Foley? I forgot about that. Let's slip on cleats.
42:07 Speaker 04 Orthopedic cleats?
42:08 H. Foley? Would you go with me?
42:09 Speaker 04 Of course. It doesn't say anything about recovery though, so I think we have to pay for that out of pocket.
42:14 H. Foley? What do you mean?
42:15 Speaker 04 Ice baths.
42:16 H. Foley? I don't have access to the training room?
42:18 Speaker 04 I don't know.
42:18 H. Foley? That's, that can't be.
42:20 Speaker 04 Players only.
42:21 H. Foley? Nah, I, what the fuck? What am I? You never played baseball.
42:25 Speaker 02 You're in a hot tub with Larry Bowe.
42:27 H. Foley? When? You were playing squash and shit like that.
42:29 Speaker 04 Until kids threw curveballs.
42:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, same as you.
42:32 H. Foley? Later.
42:36 H. Foley? I'm fucking moneymaker.
42:37 Speaker 02 Oh, I forgot to tell you, so I got called up to pitch. Oh, man. I sailed the first one.
42:48 Speaker 02 Fifteen feet like over the batter, like hit the-
42:50 H. Foley? Took out a pigeon?
42:51 Speaker 02 Hit the backstop, like the top of the backstop rolled down. I was like, whoa, this is harder than it looks. I had just never, I never even tried to like actually pitch in a press, like in a game, like, you'd like play wiffle ball or whatever, you know, what-
43:05 H. Foley? It's frightening.
43:06 Speaker 02 Oh dude, it's just you and him and he had done the work. I had not. We were, we were in a stare down and he had me shook.
43:14 H. Foley? Especially back then.
43:15 Speaker 02 I'll never forget it.
43:16 H. Foley? We'd play like bad neighborhood kids, like, you know, like if like, you know, north end versus east end or whatever, or whatever. Or like, I remember beating them Blue Bell, playing the kids from Norristown. They'd be fucking hanging on the fucking, on the cages screaming at you and then beat you up after the game.
43:31 Speaker 02 Bad boy, fat boy.
43:32 H. Foley? Yeah, and then the coaches and refs, did they encourage that shit back then?
43:37 Speaker 02 Goddamn Thunderdome.
43:39 H. Foley? Fucking put the heat on you.
43:40 Speaker 02 I think I threw one or, I think I maybe did one inning or like two or three batter. They were like, we gotta, you gotta pull this guy. Get the kid in a wheelchair to come in, start throwing some smoke. Yeah, I was bad, I was bad. It's just like, and I still have that thing with like certain things where if like, I have to concentrate on doing the thing, I then just think about how I can mess it up. Does that make sense? You know, it's like, alright, just right down there, right down there, right down. And then in my head, I'm like, oh, you don't have it, you don't have it. And then I, I roll it. It was bad. I got the, I got the yips for my first time up.
44:20 H. Foley? I can check my block.
44:21 Speaker 02 Can't go to, can't throw to first. Uh, alright, let's see. This one's from Tommy Two Spoons. This is- Listen, we're to, uh, I think a clinical term is fatass, fatasses. Um, you ever put the chip crumbs at the bottom of the bag and pour them into dip and use that as a sandwich spread? That blew my mind.
44:43 H. Foley? Oh, a sandwich spread?
44:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, see, you're, you, you jumped the gun. Obviously, everybody's done that and you scooped that out.
44:48 H. Foley? And eat it like cereal with a spoon.
44:50 Speaker 02 No, as a sandwich spread is the gentleman's move.
44:54 H. Foley? That's pretty sweet.
44:55 Speaker 02 Little bit of crunch. That's, that blew my mind.
44:58 H. Foley? Yeah, that's not bad.
44:59 Speaker 02 That's amazing.
45:01 H. Foley? I was big on putting tortilla chips in my peanut butter and jellies too. Back in the day.
45:06 Speaker 02 I would do, I would do pretzels. Get the crunch and the saltiness.
45:09 H. Foley? Yeah?
45:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:10 H. Foley? You know what else was good too? Putting a pickle in there.
45:12 Speaker 02 Yikes.
45:13 H. Foley? Yeah, I would do tortilla chips and a pickle in a, in a one. Take one piece of bread, peanut butter jelly, chips and a pickle. Throw it up, crush it. Great. With a glass of milk. Screaming cold glass of milk. It's so good. Try it at home.
45:27 Speaker 02 Man, you just got so fat and trash. Screaming cold, it was so good. So good, your lips did something I've never seen before.
45:33 H. Foley? Let me hit it. I'll give you the, okay, get a piece of bread, crunchy peanut butter, strawberry or grape jelly, some crushed up tortilla chips or potato chips, kettle cooked, obviously. And then a one, a, a, a.
45:45 Speaker 02 You weren't banging kettle cooked back then?
45:47 H. Foley? A quarter of a dill pickle. Fold that up and eat it like a hot dog. It's fantastic. You get everything with a screaming cold glass of milk.
45:55 Speaker 02 Pickles and milk don't go.
45:57 H. Foley? Sure they do.
45:58 Speaker 02 I knew you were gonna say that. I'm saying for the average person isn't doing pickles and milk. You have to give me that. I don't know why we're at, why we're at odds this episode. But pickles and milk is not a combination people do together.
46:11 H. Foley? I disagree.
46:13 Speaker 02 Maybe, maybe the circles you roll in.
46:16 Speaker 04 While not, while not a common pairing, eating pickles and drinking milk together is generally considered safe.
46:23 Speaker 02 Yes, safe. See what I'm saying? See?
46:27 H. Foley? You wrote that, piece of shit.
46:30 Speaker 02 Genuinely considered. Move of an obese man. Playing god over here.
46:37 H. Foley? Risking it.
46:39 Speaker 02 Uh, alright, let's see here. This one is, um. This one from Patches O'Hole and $10 financier. Never had one read. Are you garbage? Always take a screenshot of the confirmation. Even though they'll send me an email just in case they try to play me. I know I'm not alone here, buddy. You are not.
46:56 H. Foley? Not at all, baby. I got a thousand pictures of that stuff.
46:59 Speaker 02 That's a dirtbag thing, cuz you go, alright, I'm gonna pay this. But you're gonna screw me somehow. And I don't want you to screw me. And I'm, I need my case airtight if I have to go toe to toe.
47:11 H. Foley? And every time I screenshot that shit, I'm like, yeah, come get me, motherfuckers. Fuck you.
47:15 Speaker 02 What I'll do is, uh.
47:16 H. Foley? I got the screenshot right here. Huh? Where is it?
47:19 Speaker 02 Even, cuz I don't, I don't do much on my phone, but like I'll be on my desktop. It was always my health insurance. I got, I got. Past like two or three years, I'd not pay my health insurance and they bucked me out of it and I have to re- rething and it's a month, so it would be months at a time. I wasn't in have health insurance and I would always take, I would have to do it online. I would take the picture with my phone of the screen and be like, "I got you motherfuckers. Let me back in here."
47:43 H. Foley? Yeah.
47:44 Speaker 02 Make me call my boy, "Come see you on Sixth Ave."
47:48 Speaker 02 Alright, that was a little too.
47:49 H. Foley? Is that me?
47:49 Speaker 02 No. The guy who shot the United Healthcare guy?
47:53 H. Foley? Jesus.
47:54 Speaker 02 Which, I do, I do have to say, the day that happened, I got an email to pay my bill and I was like, "Buddy, you guys gotta figure this out."
48:01 H. Foley? That's last year's material.
48:05 Speaker 02 It's still in the news. Um, yeah, that's a real, that's like, that's like dirtbag in this like.
48:13 H. Foley? Don't trust it.
48:14 Speaker 02 That's instilled in you of like, "I don't trust computers. I don't trust."
48:17 H. Foley? Get a receipt!
48:18 Speaker 02 "I don't trust whatever company or instit-" It's usually with like bigger institutions. You're like, "I don't want, I could get lost in the mix here."
48:24 H. Foley? Yeah.
48:25 Speaker 02 "I don't want this," you know, it's a.
48:26 H. Foley? Some computer glitch.
48:28 Speaker 02 "Yeah, well, we don't have it. Well, you should have it 'cause I got it." Boom, right up your ass.
48:34 H. Foley? "Your honor." I think it's gonna go to.
48:36 Speaker 02 I know. When I'm taking that picture, I go, "I got you lock, stock and barrel."
48:41 H. Foley? You're standing at Congress just holding it up? I present. Flashes are all going on.
48:44 Speaker 02 I present you a picture of my laptop screen.
48:50 Speaker 02 Just like my feet in the background.
48:52 H. Foley? Home run of a question.
48:53 Speaker 02 Great question.
48:54 H. Foley? Yeah.
48:55 Speaker 02 Um, alright, let's see here. Tootie's ex-boyfriend, $10 dude. That's awesome. Uh, "You's ever owned a, were number one big foam finger?"
49:05 H. Foley? No, I was.
49:06 Speaker 02 I had a, oh, sorry to cut you off. I had a Flyers one.
49:08 H. Foley? Wow.
49:09 Speaker 02 Loved it. No, I, Paul, I, I was a Phantoms one. The minor league.
49:14 H. Foley? They still banging? They were hot for a minute.
49:17 Speaker 02 They were fu- they were fun games. The Philadelphia Phantom, because you could get tickets. They were like nine bucks, 10 bucks. We were big hockey kids, uh, growing up and, uh, we, yeah, we would go down to Phantoms games.
49:27 H. Foley? Hmm.
49:28 Speaker 02 Uh, no, ended in 2009. Rest in peace.
49:32 H. Foley? Always wanted one. Always wanted the foam finger. That was something, if, if we. I mean, I could count on my one hand.
49:40 Speaker 02 I could count on my one big foam finger.
49:42 H. Foley? How many times we went to like live sporting events? I'd never been to a football game until Tommy Pope took me a couple of years ago to an Eagles Giants game. It was coming out of pandemic. Before that, I had been to one preseason game and we stayed for like, I felt like a quarter and got out of there.
50:03 Speaker 02 Traffic, gotta get out of here to be trapped.
50:05 H. Foley? I was with my boys. I don't really remember it too much. It might have been on acid. I'm not 100% sure.
50:10 Speaker 02 Okay.
50:11 H. Foley? Um, maybe once or twice to the vet or two or three times at the vet.
50:18 Speaker 02 Mm hmm. I remember one- Phillies game?
50:21 H. Foley? Yeah, one time we went in the summer because my cousin had won, my cousin had won something for her softball league or something like that and she got to go on the field on the vet.
50:32 Speaker 02 Whoa.
50:33 H. Foley? I remember we had, we were down the shore and we drove up from down the shore.
50:37 Speaker 02 To see that.
50:38 H. Foley? It was eight million degrees. And like, you know-
50:43 Speaker 02 Just bacon.
50:44 H. Foley? My dad and my uncle, they said, and two uncles, Uncle Joe and Uncle Mike, they sat in the bullpen and pretended like they had chewing tobacco. And we walked in, it was that AstroTurf.
50:51 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
50:52 H. Foley? They do-
50:52 Speaker 02 Got a bad case of turf toe.
50:53 H. Foley? Burn your fucking face off. It was so hot down there. But other than that, we, we weren't really big on that stuff and never. We'd get the Sunday with the helmet. That's it.
51:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:05 H. Foley? You weren't getting a jersey, you weren't getting a glove, you weren't getting a hat, you weren't getting a fucking foam finger.
51:10 Speaker 02 No, ours were free. They would give them out to like the first, you know, whatever, 2,000 people, to a Phantoms game, but nobody's really going to Pha- like-
51:17 H. Foley? Sure.
51:17 Speaker 02 It's not like you had to wait in line. It was like the Phantoms would draw maybe 5,000 people. And not everybody got one. Also, if you went to an entrance and not everybody was going through, you're like, eh, here, take one.
51:27 H. Foley? Maybe I'm wrong about this too. Maybe I'm trashing them. Uh, because I do remember getting like little bats, the little bats.
51:33 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
51:33 H. Foley? We probably went to a few more.
51:34 Speaker 02 We were never big on- Getting the stuff. Like if there was a free something like I remember with that like that's all over. I'll get you that at Sports Authority or Modell's half the price. I'm not paying, I'm not paying stadium prices. Which he didn't mind buying it for us, but if you're, and then that's how much of dirtbags we wear. We'd run over to this like the, the authentic memorabilia like sport and go.
51:57 H. Foley? One distract them, one steal the stuff?
51:59 Speaker 02 No, we would complain about the prices. I'd run over and be like, Dad, they won 110 for a, for an Eric Lindros jersey. You believe that? They're only 69.99 at Modell's in the Chaminde Mall.
52:10 H. Foley? Oh my god.
52:11 Speaker 02 And I remember we would go over and look at the.
52:13 H. Foley? Just to complain about the price?
52:14 Speaker 02 We were a big price. You believe that's what they're charging? Like that's what we were.
52:18 H. Foley? As a little kid?
52:21 H. Foley? What are you reading the newspaper too? God damn it.
52:24 Speaker 02 No, but it was like that was insulting. That's what, you don't buy stuff there. They're screwing you. You know what I mean?
52:29 H. Foley? It's always weird seeing a little.
52:30 Speaker 02 Supply and demand.
52:31 H. Foley? It's always weird seeing a little kid take on his parents' mannerisms. You know, like my nephew does that. I'll hear him say something. I'll be like, that's your father.
52:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
52:41 H. Foley? You know what I mean? It's funny.
52:44 Speaker 02 My brother-in-law's a big price guy. Everything he'll tell you, ah, it's a cool hat. Where'd you get this? This hat? 17.99. You're like, ah, is that a lot? Is that a little? I don't know what we're doing here. Originally marked down for 24.99. Like, alright, cool. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this information. It's really just making small talk.
53:01 H. Foley? You know what I really always wanted? One of the big foam cowboy hats.
53:06 Speaker 02 Shout out to Pat. Pat had one. I think he got it in New Orleans and flew home with it.
53:12 H. Foley? I'm not taking it off.
53:13 Speaker 02 This is my, this is my headwear. I'm sorry. This is what I choose to wear as my hat.
53:17 H. Foley? Yeah, always wanted one of those.
53:18 Speaker 02 Pat had one. We'd get all fucked up and put it on, yeah.
53:20 H. Foley? Home run, yeah.
53:22 Speaker 02 Uh, that's good. Uh, okay, let's see here.
53:28 Speaker 02 Uh, this is from Scotty B. Is it garbage to rent a Zipcar to take a nap during work hours?
53:34 H. Foley? Whoa.
53:34 Speaker 02 That's...
53:36 H. Foley? Expensive.
53:37 Speaker 02 I don't think so. I think outside of New York, but then I guess you would have a car. So it's, it has to be like a major city.
53:44 H. Foley? Where do you find one? Are they just all around the streets?
53:47 Speaker 02 I think it depends on the city, but yeah, they're like parked, you know, there might be one like, yeah, across the street in a parking lot or whatever, like a, you know.
53:54 H. Foley? Dirtbag.
53:55 Speaker 02 I respect that. You need a little bit of shut eye?
53:57 H. Foley? In Japan, they have little places where you can go and take a nap, little pods.
54:00 Speaker 04 Well, it's rental membership, so it's nine dollars a month, I think.
54:03 Speaker 02 And then it's probably like a couple dollars an hour or whatever.
54:06 Speaker 04 Yeah.
54:07 H. Foley? Yeah.
54:07 Speaker 04 Fifteen bucks or whatever.
54:08 H. Foley? Put the radio on, turn the heat on, get good sleeps in there.
54:12 Speaker 02 Smooth it out, yeah.
54:13 H. Foley? Sleeping like this.
54:14 Speaker 02 Uh huh. I remember one time, me and my brother were waiting, we were working construction, we were waiting on an inspector to come. We had worked overnight and then he was coming in the morning, I suppose, and we slept in a, slept in a supermarket parking lot on the boulevard. And I mean, it was so hot and we had the AC cramer in the Montego, I was in my driver's side, he was in there, we had the seats all the way back. And we had passed out and overslept, did we? We went to bed, we thought we were gonna sleep for like fifteen minutes at like, it was like nine fifteen in the morning after working overnight. We slept till like two fifteen in the afternoon. We woke up, what the hell? People looking at us and stuff. We were out, like proper out cold.
54:55 H. Foley? Like you know, the popo knocking on the door.
54:57 Speaker 02 I know, yeah.
54:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, sleeping in a car when you, that's, I mean, that's.
55:03 H. Foley? Respect the mood.
55:04 Speaker 02 Really, that's, that's class. It's trashy, but I, you know, that's, you're doing chess, not checkers.
55:09 H. Foley? Other people in the off, where are you going? Just saw, just saw Randy outside.
55:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, you gotta, you gotta do it off premises. You can't like, you can't be doing it to your big client, your big three, three PM meetings walking by you.
55:22 H. Foley? Hey, what's going on, man?
55:23 Speaker 02 Gimme a couple more.
55:24 H. Foley? You have a chance to sign that paperwork?
55:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, people shouldn't know that you're doing that. Uh, all right, this one's from all the toast. Ten dollar gum chewer, is it garbage that I burned my mouth as a kid because I chewed a whole pack of Big Red at one time? I mean, that's, that's made up, but there's no way. See if there's anything on that.
55:43 H. Foley? Yeah, I did. Burned my whole lap.
55:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
55:46 H. Foley? Big Red.
55:46 Speaker 02 Couldn't eat for a week, uh, that's a very, that's like dogs half wolf type thing.
55:56 H. Foley? Doesn't get hotter by the piece.
55:57 Speaker 02 I know. You also know that probably spread around like, "Oh, Dylan burned his mouth."
56:03 H. Foley? He was out of school for a month.
56:04 Speaker 02 You better be careful.
56:05 H. Foley? I love Big Red.
56:06 Speaker 04 Yes, a Big Red candy can burn your mouth, particularly if you eat too many because of its high concentration of cinnamon.
56:13 Speaker 02 What?
56:13 H. Foley? Holy shit!
56:14 Speaker 02 My bad, I retract my statement. You're a goddamn survivor.
56:19 H. Foley? Whoa, no kidding? But cinnamon isn't that spicy.
56:24 Speaker 04 Um, it creates a strong burning sensation on your tongue and mouth lining due to its capsaicin content, similar to chili peppers.
56:34 Speaker 02 That kinda makes sense now. I kinda, because I've done two peas and it does, now I think about it, it's intensified and it just like numbs your mouth, you know what I mean?
56:43 H. Foley? It's crazy.
56:44 Speaker 02 Whoa.
56:45 H. Foley? That toughest kid in the school right there.
56:46 Speaker 02 Dude, my apologies, sir. Let me carry your books to your next class. That's crazy.
56:52 H. Foley? You girls wanna see my canker sore, fam?
56:56 Speaker 02 I remember one time I got one of those big jawbreakers and you had to lick that for like, you know, you'd get it for like a week or two and keep it in a-
57:02 H. Foley? You mean like the ones that look like a tennis ball?
57:04 Speaker 02 A baseball. Yeah. They were big. Fourth, fifth grade, they hit.
57:09 H. Foley? Would you, I never had one. Would you vomit?
57:11 Speaker 02 Yeah. Still remember the outside of it, dude. My, dude, I had cuts on my tongue. Looked like I was chewing razor blades. Everyone did, the whole fifth grade.
57:20 H. Foley? Where'd you put it when you weren't eating it?
57:22 Speaker 02 A plastic bag. Not a Ziploc, a fold over too. That thing had a bit of an odor to it.
57:30 H. Foley? That's so fucking disgusting.
57:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:35 H. Foley? Why didn't you break it up with a hammer?
57:37 Speaker 02 With a hammer? I mean-
57:38 H. Foley? That's what I, they used to have-
57:40 Speaker 02 No, that was cool.
57:41 H. Foley? Jawbreaker lollipops.
57:42 Speaker 02 It was cool to, it was whatever they got cool to, what do they, they're mega jawbreaker, there was a word for them.
57:47 H. Foley? They were huge. Clover used to sell them at like where Clover sold snacks and they would be in like those clear candy jars and they would go big, big, big, small.
57:58 Speaker 02 This came in a box.
58:00 H. Foley? Really?
58:00 Speaker 04 Mega Bruiser?
58:03 Speaker 02 That was my girlfriend's name.
58:05 H. Foley? Did you say that about her? Sweet girl.
58:10 Speaker 02 Took down a couple Mega Bruisers. Couple of linebackers.
58:15 H. Foley? Keystone Light'll do that then.
58:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, not the Brian Urlacher and the rest of the girls.
58:25 H. Foley? Steel cage match one time.
58:27 Speaker 02 Uh huh, um.
58:29 H. Foley? Mega bruiser.
58:30 Speaker 02 No, I don't think that, I don't think they were, but yeah, it was big, you know, you had them.
58:34 H. Foley? I can't believe your mom let you get away with that.
58:36 Speaker 02 This was prime, she's working a lot, I'm, you know.
58:41 H. Foley? Stand there licking a ball.
58:44 Speaker 02 Man, my tongue was cracking. I look like, I look like I smoked meth. Like that, my, your, your lips would get all white and stuff from the sugar. Meanwhile, my eyes are bouncing around, that's a lot of sugar. And it would be the layers and you go, oh, yours has this, mine has this. I go in, blue, red, blue, you try to, you licked it to get the cross section. See what's in there. Man.
59:09 H. Foley? Rubber bands.
59:10 Speaker 02 This is really, I started, I started looking at old pictures, uh, my mom found a photo book, I started looking at old pictures and I.
59:17 H. Foley? Started porking up?
59:18 Speaker 02 I wasn't as fat as I remember as, as a kid, kid. Like as a young boy.
59:25 H. Foley? Sure.
59:25 Speaker 02 It really, really turned on in seventh, eighth grade, like, sixth.
59:31 H. Foley? Mega bruiser.
59:34 H. Foley? Transform.
59:35 Speaker 02 But I remember being like, oh, whoa, like there was like, I looked at all my school pictures and you're like, ah, a little pudgy, baby fat, you know what I mean? Kind of a little baby fat.
59:45 Speaker 02 And then cut to, like my shoulders got big in seventh grade.
59:49 H. Foley? Right, at the same time when the McChicken hit.
59:52 Speaker 02 That and I was when I started bleaching my hair and I had this plaid shirt, I mean, I'll bring it in. Uh, it was, it was a tough look. But before, I was a cute little bugger running around. Something, I wish somebody would have grabbed me and be like, yo, the rest of your life is gonna be significantly harder if you don't lock it up right now. Just lock it up.
1:00:11 H. Foley? Yeah, whatever, dickhead. Go back to licking my tennis ball.
1:00:16 Speaker 02 You got any warheads?
1:00:19 H. Foley? Your fly's down, buddy.
1:00:22 Speaker 02 Uh, man, but we gotta wrap it up, gang.
1:00:25 H. Foley? What a fun one.
1:00:25 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:00:26 H. Foley? Uh, gang, we.
1:00:28 Speaker 02 Happy freaking new year.
1:00:29 H. Foley? Happy new year. We love you, we'll see you next week.
1:00:31 Speaker 02 Peace.
Previous Bein' Garbage with Jordan & Ian! Next COPS Edition w/ Kippy & Foley! Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated