Pod Insights All In The Mind Got the ick? Dating, disgust and evolutionary psychology About this episode Have you ever experienced "the ick"?
It's that sudden, visceral feeling of being put off by someone you're dating. Maybe it's their hat, a hobby or even the way they laugh.
Stories of the ick are prolific online, but it leaves us with a question - what causes it?
To separate red flags from disgust, we get into the psychology of the ick - why you might feel icky, if it should be a deal breaker, and what it says about your own attachment style.
You can catch up on more episodes of the All in the Mind podcast with journalist and presenter Sana Qadar, exploring the psychology of topics like stress, memory, communication and relationships on the ABC Listen app (Australia) or wherever you get your podcasts.
This episode first aired in March 2025.
Guests:
MichaelaSingle and ick-prone
Adam HorvathClinical Psychologist at Personal Psychology https://personalpsychology.com.au/
Professor Gery Karantzas, PhDCouples therapistDirector, Science of Adult Relationships laboratoryDeakin University
Credits:
Presenter/producer: Sana QadarSenior producer: James BullenProducer: Rose KerrSound engineers: Tegan Nicholls and Michael GrossmanYou can find the transcript for this episode on its original webpage here https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/allinthemind/the-ick-dating-disgust-evolutionary-psychology/104948536.
More information:
The ick: Disgust sensitivity, narcissism, and perfectionism in mate choice thresholds https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886925000480
Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 ABC Listen, podcasts, radio, news, music and more.
0:10 Speaker 00 Online, it feels like the answer is always yes. Yes to cookies, yes to tracking, yes to data sharing. I'm Rae Johnston and in Opt Out, I find out what happens when you finally say no. Opt Out, a special series on Download This Show, ABC Radio National. To hear it, search for Download This Show wherever you get your podcasts or hear it on the ABC Listen app.
0:38 Speaker 01 Hey, it's Sana here from All in the Mind from ABC Radio National. We are replaying some of our most popular episodes from 2025. And this one goes out to anyone currently in the dating trenches.
0:54 Speaker 02 It's like your body shrivels up into a little raisin, like you're like this beautiful fruitful plum. And then you're just like.
1:04 Speaker 01 Let me tell you a modern dating story.
1:06 Speaker 02 It feels unfair to the other person because it's just like, this is just like literally a physical reaction that I'm having right now. I don't want to be having it, but sometimes it's just like, like that, that's the noise that my body is making.
1:20 Speaker 01 And this story is called The Ick. Act One, Michaela and the Dating Apps.
1:28 Speaker 02 I had been dating the same kind of guy for a while and it was like a, I guess a bit of a like a bad boy. I was like, okay, it's time to maybe review my selections and, and move away from my normal type. So someone on, on one of the apps liked me and in his profile, he looks like a really, really lovely guy. Like he had lots of female friends, like a diverse kind of friendship circle from all of his photos. He was interested in food.
1:55 Speaker 01 It was all looking good until.
1:58 Speaker 02 I swiped down to this one photo where he was wearing a Kangol. And then I swiped down to the second photo and he was wearing this like felt fedora. And I was like, oh.
2:07 Speaker 01 The problem with hats, specifically fedoras, is they give Michaela the ick. If you're not familiar with that term, we'll explain what it means in a moment, but you can probably guess.
2:18 Speaker 02 And I feel like as soon as I say that, I'm like, oh, I've got the ick.
2:23 Speaker 01 She knows this hat thing is a bit silly and definitely minor in the grand scheme of things, but still, turn off to her. To each their own, right?
2:32 Speaker 02 But then I was like, okay, this is my opportunity to overcome something. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's not the hats. It's probably me. And so I decided to look past it and went on a date with this guy.
2:45 Speaker 01 Which brings us to act two, the date.
2:48 Speaker 02 He, of course, showed up in the felt fedora.
2:51 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
2:52 Speaker 02 And, and I saw him coming from down the street and I was like, oh no, what is he doing with that bloody hat on? And then he got to the restaurant and then it turned into like this comedy scene because I had put so much like impetus on this hat.
3:07 Speaker 01 Right.
3:07 Speaker 02 And it being a problem for me. So then he like got there and then he couldn't find somewhere to put the hat because he was such a gentleman. He was like, oh, I can't wear my hat at dinner.
3:15 Speaker 01 Why couldn't he just put the hat down on your table at dinner?
3:19 Speaker 02 Well, I think it took up so much surface area.
3:22 Speaker 01 Okay, right.
3:23 Speaker 02 He didn't really want to put it on his lap because then that's weird. And we were sitting on these bar stools. So he couldn't like just put it on the back of the chair. It was like, it ended up going on this like, there was like this sort of retail element of the restaurant with like pasta and like pasta sauce and like, and then I just put the hat on the top corner of these shelves. And like, it just was so out of place and so weird. And all the staff were just like, what are you doing?
3:48 Speaker 01 But he did. Oh my God. As though he like karmically like your, your hat aversion was being poked at and niggled extra hard.
3:57 Speaker 02 Literally.
4:00 Speaker 01 This is All in the Mind. I'm Sana Qadar. And if you're in the dating trenches, or on TikTok, or a consumer of shows like Love Island or Nobody Wants This, you know what the ick is. And if you don't, well, it's that sudden feeling of cringe or disgust people can get when they're in the early phase of getting to know someone.
4:20 Speaker 03 It was like a whole body experience. I will never see that person the same way again.
4:26 Speaker 01 Icks are different to red flags. They're often a bit dumb, a bit superficial, a bit mean even. What are some of the more ridiculous icks you've heard of?
4:36 Speaker 04 I guess a lot around walking, which escapes me why. Like walking downhill and the hip moves in a funny way.
4:42 Speaker 01 But they can also be pretty reasonable.
4:44 Speaker 05 I get the ick when a guy is eating and he wipes his dirty fingers on his clothes.
4:50 Speaker 01 Ew, that is definitely icky. Either way, this is not just a sign of Gen Z or millennials becoming too picky, or symptom of society becoming too individualistic and judgy, all of which the ick has been tied to. It turns out there's a lot going on behind this feeling. The ick tells us something about mate selection. It can hint at your attachment style. It can tell you about your own insecurities and fears. So today, we dig into the curse of the ick and the psychology behind it.
5:33 Speaker 01 Let's start at the end. Act three of Michaela's dating story. Because the universe, or karma, or whatever, had just one more trick to play with her ick.
5:43 Speaker 02 We sat through dinner. It was fine. He was very lovely. And then at the end of dinner, we were leaving and we're about 50 metres up the road. And I was like, he left the hat there. It's so good. And I was like, maybe this is a sign that he's like, you know, a nice guy and it's worth taking on. And then we got to the end of the street and we're like, oh no, I forgot my hat. And then he ran back to the restaurant and got it. And I was like, oh God. And then, yeah, turns out we didn't see each other after. We went on a second date.
6:10 Speaker 01 Oh, you did make it to a second date?
6:11 Speaker 02 We did, but it was, it was a bad second date. So, so yeah.
6:15 Speaker 01 Because of the hat or other reason?
6:18 Speaker 02 Maybe a mixture of both, but I feel like the hat is like a symbol to me of the type of guy that he was potentially. He had like this sort of like quirky energy that was very sweet, but I, I just couldn't, I don't know, I couldn't get around it for some reason.
6:35 Speaker 01 It's been a while since I've been in the dating game, about, gosh, 15 years or so. But I don't remember using the word or the term the ick back then. We might've said something was a turn off or embarrassing, but not the ick. And that word is different to the others in a way because it seems to describe something so much more visceral, like a repulsion, a disgust. So when did it become a thing?
7:02 Speaker 04 So I tried to actually find what's the first evidence we have. And I think the first one we have, Friends first season, someone mentioned getting the ick.
7:11 Speaker 01 Oh, did they?
7:11 Speaker 04 That was 1995, 1996.
7:14 Speaker 01 Wow. I looked this up and that episode of Friends was titled, The One With The Ick Factor. And it was about Monica accidentally sleeping with a 17 year old who had lied about his age. Definitely ick, if not worse. But the term has only seeped into wider consciousness in recent years, thanks to TikTok, where you can find young people describing all manner of icks.
7:39 Speaker 06 Girls who pretend to be drunk.
7:40 Speaker 01 Getting off a chairlift, it's just like a little bit of an ick.
7:44 Speaker 06 When he's in the backseat of the car and looks through the small window. When he trips over things. But this one's mean, but it's so embarrassing.
7:51 Speaker 04 I guess the old icks I read about, both in research and in, I heard in sessions, they're not really logical if you think about it.
8:00 Speaker 01 This is clinical psychologist Adam Horvath. He has a private practice in Sydney where he works mostly with young professionals. And he first started noticing clients mentioning the ick a few years ago.
8:11 Speaker 04 And it just keeps popping up here and there. Like it's not the most common thing I've worked with, I have to say, but it has been fairly consistent.
8:19 Speaker 01 And he says it's almost entirely young women who seem to be raising this with him.
8:24 Speaker 04 You know, early twenties, mid twenties, trying to find a partner, long-term partner, who otherwise like from objectively speaking, they don't have any concerns from clinical perspective, like why they couldn't find a partner. They report that they go on dates and then, you know, this exact thing happens is that on the second, third day, they start seeing real big problems with the potential mates. I got the ick again because this happened.
8:47 Speaker 01 Have you had many clients who are male who have also brought up the ick in sessions? Or has it been mostly from women for you?
8:53 Speaker 04 By far females. I would say, I'm just trying to think, maybe there was one guy who had one, but there wasn't really the major issue for him. And I think he said the ick once, so it wasn't really like the recurrent pattern.
9:05 Speaker 01 Okay, yeah, that is so interesting because I've wondered whether it is a gender thing because most of the posts that I've come across anyways relating to the ick are young women. And even in my own circles, you know, it's mostly seems to be women who talk about the ick. Why do you think it's a gender thing?
9:21 Speaker 04 Oh, good question. I guess, so it's true that data does back it up regarding who knows about the ick. It's like six out of 10 ladies and only four out of 10 blokes, give or take, based on the research we have. And about three quarter of the ladies can experience the ick and only about half the blokes. So your experience and my experience is backed up by research.
9:42 Speaker 01 That research was published just this year in a paper called "The Ick: Disgust sensitivity, narcissism, and perfectionism in mate choice thresholds." Now, that gives you a pretty big clue about some of the factors that can make a person more prone to this feeling, but I want to zoom out first and talk big picture for a moment, because the ick isn't just the result of our individual issues. Evolutionary psychology offers some explanation for why we can get this feeling. And Adam says something called the asymmetric cost of mating helps us understand why women, in heterosexual relationships at least, might be more prone to the ick.
10:26 Speaker 04 So obviously, from a male perspective, the cost of mating is, like historically, is really low.
10:32 Speaker 01 For men.
10:33 Speaker 04 Yes, yeah.
10:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, they just do the deed and move on.
10:36 Speaker 04 Yes, yeah. But obviously, for females, it's a huge cost, both emotionally and biologically, and then having to raise the little one even if the male moves on.
10:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:47 Speaker 04 So I guess females just tend to be, like, if you look at it from evolutionary perspective, more picky because they want to pick the male who's likely to stick around and help. So this is the strong asymmetric approach to dating. And if you think about it, it really applies these days as well. Blokes, by and large, like I'm generalizing. But blokes, by and large, are less picky than ladies when it comes to dating. Even if you look at any stats on dating platforms, you know, the ladies have effectively infinite messages coming in.
11:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:17 Speaker 04 And blokes on the other side are just sending messages to a large number of ladies.
11:21 Speaker 01 Right, right.
11:21 Speaker 04 So it's a little bit around this one. This is the same reason, I guess, the ick more likely to happen in ladies, because it's effectively picking or de-selecting potential mismatch.
11:32 Speaker 05 I get the ick when a man has really long hair but doesn't wash it.
11:40 Speaker 01 One category of icks that seems to be quite common on TikTok anyways, has to do with physical awkwardness. So, women, mostly, saying their icks are when a guy trips, or slips, or walks downhill, or tries a new sport.
11:56 Speaker 04 Obviously, when you try anything new, you're not really good at it. So you're crumbling around, but some, some people would say this is terrible and this is the end of the relationship.
12:04 Speaker 01 These icks seem especially weird to me and kind of mean, because who amongst us escapes life without doing one of these things at some point or another? Like, who in the history of Earth has lived and not tripped?
12:17 Speaker 07 You know, in addition to this idea that we want people that feel warm and trustworthy, when we're looking for romantic partners, the other kind of qualities that we look for is the extent to which people have vitality and they're attractive and they look energetic.
12:31 Speaker 01 This is Gerry Kurensis, Couples Counselor and Professor of Social Psychology and Relationship Science at Deakin University. He says evolutionary psychology offers an explanation for this kind of ick as well.
12:44 Speaker 07 So, you know, if you're giving off signals of lethargy, of clumsiness, it may, it may relate to that, right?
12:50 Speaker 01 Okay.
12:50 Speaker 07 Like, you know, if someone is tripping, if it looks like they're accident-prone, maybe it's sending a signal to someone about the reliability of someone, you know, the, the ability to be able to sense danger, to be, you know, am I with someone who needs protection versus them being able to protect me?
13:04 Speaker 01 Which makes me wonder if the ick has to do with gender norms, whether it tends to kick in, in heterosexual relationships at least, when someone contravenes some kind of gender norm.
13:15 Speaker 06 Girls who pretend to be drunk.
13:17 Speaker 01 Like, when a woman acts drunk, rather than ladylike, or when a man fails to be physically dominant or in control because he's tripped.
13:26 Speaker 06 Similar to when he trips over things.
13:27 Speaker 01 Or when a guy wears a fashion item, like a fedora.
13:30 Speaker 02 Sort of like dresswear hats. As soon as I say that, I'm like, oh, I've got the ick.
13:35 Speaker 01 I know these aren't a whole lot of examples to be going off, but I put this question to Jerry.
13:40 Speaker 07 It's speculation, but whether you you you talk about it as, whether you define it in terms of gender norms or norms generally.
13:46 Speaker 01 Right.
13:47 Speaker 07 Expectations we have that govern the world. I think any time that that people deviate from those particular norms, our understanding of the world, it does agitate us. So whether we talk about the ick as some form of agitation, as a manifest of people behaving in ways that are in contrast to our worldviews or not, that is, you know, that is possible.
14:07 Speaker 04 Some research we have on what categories of icks people report, and I guess there's some some views on the looks or masculinity or the lack of masculinity. I remember reading one of them was if the guy puts his head on the shoulder of the lady, that some people find that as a ick.
14:24 Speaker 01 Oh, that's so mean. That's lovely.
14:28 Speaker 04 Well, depends who you ask. Because I guess that very stereotypically it should be the other way around.
14:34 Speaker 01 Right.
14:34 Speaker 04 So you could make this argument that it's it's not a masculine trait and then that could be a, you know, reason to discard.
14:42 Speaker 01 Okay, so evolution, mate selection, gender norms, these are broad explanations for why we sometimes get the ick. Let's now scale down to the individual. Is there a particular type of person that's more likely to be prone to icks?
15:00 Speaker 07 I think those that have particularly high standards and aren't willing to deviate from the standards of what they want in a partner. Because what we do know and what the literature tells us, that if you set particularly high and highly specific standards, often those standards are set so high that everyone dissatisfies you in some way, shape or form.
15:18 Speaker 01 Hmm.
15:19 Speaker 07 The challenge with that is though, that we often also miss out or we don't give oxygen to potential romantic partners that may actually be a very good match for us.
15:31 Speaker 04 So sometimes what I see, these, you know, very high achieving people have real difficulties accepting. Their own faults and then other people's faults as well. Even though from the outside objectively, they are really amazing people. They, you know, have great jobs, great friends and so on and so forth. But deep inside, that's not how they feel. They have this critical voice towards someone else because they can't live up to this expectation either.
15:54 Speaker 07 Another element that comes into it is the extent to which people have kind of destiny, fixed base views about finding the one versus having more of a growth mindset around relationships. And that destiny growth mindset approach was popularised and well researched by Carol Dweck generally, but it has been applied to relationships. So if in your mind's eye, you have a particular image of a person, not only about the qualities, but how they look, how they're going to behave, the size of their bank account and you name it. And that if no one else aligns with that view, then it makes it very easy to feel icky about people that don't seem to be the one.
16:38 Speaker 07 It's a sign. It's the world telling us this isn't the person who is bound to be my soulmate or who I'm destined to be with.
16:46 Speaker 01 This ties into that paper I mentioned earlier, which found that people who have narcissistic traits or perfectionistic traits are also more likely to experience the ick. I will say that paper only has a sample size of 125 people, so it's not huge. But it is one of the very few papers out there on this topic. So it's what we have to go on for now. And the other thing that paper highlights is disgust sensitivity. How sensitive you are to feeling disgust can influence how likely you are to feel the ick.
17:18 Speaker 07 For some people, they have greater tolerance. Some people, that disgust response comes up really, really fast and far more quickly. It's probably because they may have had particular experiences in the past, whether they remember or not, that have made them feel a great deal of disgust. And that's still very prominent in their mind and it keeps them vigilant.
17:37 Speaker 01 And then the final factor I'll mention that can influence why someone feels the ick is their attachment style.
17:45 Speaker 04 One of the biggest ones is the attachment style, which is a very complicated area. So broadly, how comfortable or not comfortable you are in closeness in romantic relationships. People who are not too comfortable, we refer to it as insecure attachment, especially the avoidant attachment style. It's a little bit cold and distant. Those people have struggles with closeness and intimacy, and they very likely or more likely to experience the ick because that's one of the reasons they can get out of a relationship.
18:15 Speaker 01 Right.
18:15 Speaker 04 So, hey, don't look at me. This person has some major flaws, such as drinking milk or miles.
18:21 Speaker 01 Right. Basically, for people with an avoidant attachment style, the ick can act as a handy eject button. They can reject someone without thinking too deeply about what they're bothered about and why, and without having to talk about it. And the troubling thing is, Adam says the avoidant attachment style has become more common over time.
18:43 Speaker 04 And the data really backs this up. We noticed, like, let's say, from late 80s to 2010, 15, the number of people who we could identify as having an avoidant attachment style increased by 50%.
18:56 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
18:57 Speaker 04 It was substantial.
18:58 Speaker 01 Why? Do we know why?
18:59 Speaker 04 Well, in psychology, the why is the hardest question.
19:02 Speaker 01 Right.
19:03 Speaker 04 So I would have guesses, but it would be very, you know, who knows if it's at all true.
19:07 Speaker 01 Can I hear your guesses?
19:10 Speaker 04 Look, it's a little bit fits along the lines of society's moving a little bit to the more individualistic approaches. I guess like some societies are more collective style and some are more individualistic. And globally, we started to move towards this very individualistic approach. So that can partly influence this.
19:27 Speaker 01 Right, okay, that's interesting. So it feels like more often than not, potentially, the ick is... Actually a reflection of your own issues than any real problem with the partner that you're writing off?
19:41 Speaker 04 I mean, it's very obvious, but it's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:44 Speaker 01 Right.
19:45 Speaker 04 Because I guess, you know, if you think about it, like, you know, the all the examples we spoke about already, like, someone's drinking milk or trying a new sport or whatever that is, is not really a reason to dismiss any partner. So it's, obviously, it's about us and our fears and maybe sometimes inability to connect.
20:02 Speaker 01 But can the ick also just be a representation of a turn off, a preference, like, you know, without this deeper psychology avoidant attachment, blah, blah, blah, behind it? Like, can it sometimes just be telling you that person's not for you?
20:16 Speaker 04 Oh, absolutely. And that's why it makes it a little bit tricky, because there are people who believe like ick is a, is a real thing and we have to really pay attention. And some people say this is totally a made up thing and ridiculous. But obviously, with all, you know, psychological research, the truth is somewhere in between in the gray zone.
20:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:34 Speaker 04 So I agree with you that in some cases, it's a genuine turn off and it's, it sometimes we really want to get away from the person and having this gut feeling that something doesn't adapt with this person is the right thing to do.
20:44 Speaker 01 Right.
20:45 Speaker 04 Saying that, you know, the ick is totally made up and then whenever you have the ick, you're wrong, I don't think that's helpful either.
20:49 Speaker 01 Right.
20:50 Speaker 04 But when you're talking about fedoras and abhuts, it's like, well, maybe, maybe we went a bit too far.
20:55 Speaker 01 Is there an ick you stand by that no matter what, you just can't get past?
21:01 Speaker 02 I think it's got to be the felt fedora.
21:04 Speaker 01 A hard no, hard pass.
21:08 Speaker 02 It's a hard no, it's a hard no. It's a bit too whimsical for me, I think.
21:12 Speaker 01 Okay, we could argue about the merits of a fedora all day, again, to each their own, but Michaela admits she can be especially quick to ick. Do you worry about your icks at all? Like, do you think you might have an ick problem that's actually possibly a commitment problem? Sorry to get a bit deep here, but yeah.
21:32 Speaker 02 No, no, that's fine. No, I think to be honest, I feel like I used to get way more icked than I do now.
21:38 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
21:39 Speaker 02 But because I feel like it was just actually just being judgmental and sometimes it's like. Maybe to get thrown off by one thing that the one person says when actually you're just kind of like two people that have met each other for the first time and like you can say something that comes out a bit wrong and then the other person says like, oh god, I can't believe she said that or he said that or whatever it was.
22:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:00 Speaker 02 So I feel like, I don't know, maybe I've matured a little bit and uh there's there's definitely still things that ick me, but then there's things that I'm just like, oh, I think that's just people being weird and being on first dates and not knowing the other person.
22:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, I wonder if like icks, how much of the time icks are superficial, judgy kind of things that are actually like a defence mechanism or whatever or projection. Versus actually, you just, you're not compatible and that's okay too.
22:27 Speaker 02 Totally, totally. I think it's a bit of column A and column B. Like, I feel like because you're meeting this stranger and then I don't know, your time is precious as well. Like, you don't wanna be, you've you've got to sort of make these quick decisions in a way sometimes because you're like, well, I don't wanna just be on a date with you for three hours if you're like, everything you're saying is kind of annoying me or I'd find really uh off putting. But then at the same time, it was just like, the way that they, I don't know, like slick back their hair that you find icky then that's probably that's probably a bit, a little bit too far to the judgmental side and maybe a bit unreasonable.
23:04 Speaker 01 Right.
23:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:06 Speaker 01 Do you think there were decent people that you wrote off because of an ick back when you were being more ick prone than you are now? Like, were there any icks who got away?
23:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, icks who got away. But, oh my god, I wish I could remember. There's just been so many. Um, I would say yes, definitely.
23:25 Speaker 01 And do you have any sense of whether you've ever given anyone the ick?
23:28 Speaker 02 Um, I probably have, to be honest. I hope not because I'm so easily cringe, so I feel like I maybe that means I'm uncringeable.
23:38 Speaker 01 Well, one per- I suppose one person's like delightfulness is another person's cringe, you know?
23:44 Speaker 02 Exactly, exactly.
23:50 Speaker 01 I will say, I'm kind of glad the ick wasn't a thing back when I was dating. Because sure, there were some superficial things that I didn't exactly like when dating my now husband, for example, like a particular piece of clothing or whatever. Sorry, Ben, if you're listening. But I didn't have this label to slap on that feeling, potentially blowing it out of proportion. Or maybe that's not quite right either. Maybe we just clicked fundamentally and so any small minor turn offs didn't matter. Whereas in other circumstances, they could have mattered enough to end the relationship. I raise this point, though, because as we've discussed on this show before, labels have power.
24:32 Speaker 01 And sometimes, instead of naming something to tame it, as the mental health saying goes, naming something unleashes it, makes it worse.
24:43 Speaker 04 Yeah, you're onto something, K.
24:46 Speaker 07 My honest answer to that is, who knows?
24:48 Speaker 04 So it's not really clear whether some people identify with having an ick due to social pressure. So social pressure is one of the most replicable phenomena we have in social psychology research. So like, social pressure is huge. And then if the ick is a thing, then what if I say this is not a thing? Would my peers reject me?
25:07 Speaker 07 What I would say is, and I do see this sometimes in couples, is the knowledge that we gain, the terms that we gain, can be weaponized. You are this thing that I've heard about. I mean, here's a classic example of something. If I had a dollar for every time I had someone say to me, "Oh, they are a narcissist," I would go, "Well, I don't think we had evolved society to be filled with as many narcissists as are being proclaimed." That would not be functional. And half the time, when people are talking about narcissism, they're not even talking about some of the kind of key characteristics about it, or realize that it's on a continuum. So that's one example of how things get weaponized.
25:47 Speaker 01 But Jerry reckons we are becoming a bit too judgy and a bit too quick to ick. And partly, that's down to how overwhelmed we all are.
25:56 Speaker 07 One thing that has happened progressively in the modern world is that life has sped up. So our bandwidth is stretched. And we're being fed information, information that we're needing to process. And I think people think that knowledge is power, but I say that knowledge is confusion. Knowledge isn't power if you don't know what to do with it. Knowledge isn't power if you're not going to take the time to properly internalise it, to make sense of it.
26:20 Speaker 01 Yeah, that that makes me think about like the dating apps and how disposable people can seem on that, you know, there's always an endless other supply of people to try. And so if you write one person off, that's okay, there's like many others to swipe through.
26:33 Speaker 07 Yes, and the what we never know from those dating apps is actual success rate. All we hear about is matches, but we don't know what the strikeout rate is. And what we do know is from market surveys that were done not that long ago, a couple of years ago, you know, millennials were spending up to nine and a half to 10 hours a week on dating apps.
26:52 Speaker 01 Wow.
26:53 Speaker 07 You know, so any time that we're presented with information like that, we start to probably become less astute in our decision making. We objectify, we become a bit numb to it. So when we get these kind of emotions, we go, oh, I'm overwhelmed anyway. Oh, I'm not going to spend time worrying about this, or I'm not really going to invest in this particular person. They struck me as icky. But if we're not going to elaborate and kind of sit in that sometime and be okay with with this idea of introspection, then, you know, we we may not be getting to the bottom of why we experience the things that we experience. And for all we know, down the track, at some point in time, that they may come back to
27:36 Speaker 07 bite us, because then we start to realise what the answer is really about, and we probably should have gotten to it earlier.
27:48 Speaker 01 That is all in the mind for this week. A big thank you to Gerry Kuransis, who is a couples therapist and a professor of social psychology and relationship science at Deakin University, where he's also the director of the Science of Adult Relationships Laboratory. Do you have an ick?
28:08 Speaker 07 There would be things about all kinds of people and things in the world that irritate me. Would I refer to them as being icky? I think not.
28:17 Speaker 01 Thanks also to Adam Horvath, a clinical psychologist in private practice in North Sydney. Do you have an ick?
28:26 Speaker 04 No, I don't think I do.
28:30 Speaker 01 And the biggest thank you to our millennial case study, Michaela, for being so honest and willing to poke fun at her ex. Are you back to your original type now, dating aloof bad boys after the Fedora incident?
28:44 Speaker 02 Um, no, I'm back with the, the nice guys that I'm just being way more intentional and, and going for the normal looking guys that don't look bad or cringe.
28:56 Speaker 01 This episode of All in the Mind was written, edited and presented by me, Sana Qadar. Our producer is Rose Kerr and senior producer is James Bullen. Our sound engineers this week were Tegan Nicholls and Mickey Grossman. I want to say thank you also to you for listening and I will catch you next week.
29:28 Speaker 06 You've been listening to an ABC Podcast. Discover more great ABC Podcasts, live radio and exclusives on the ABC Listen app.
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