Pod Insights ABC Rewind 01 | Remember Me | The Foster Files About this episode There’s a government file about my life. A file full of reports. The reports date from 1985 to 2003. That’s 18 years. File 105538.
No, I’m not a terrorist or a spy. From two weeks old, to the day I turned 18, I was a foster child.
I do not own the file about my life. It belongs to the state of Queensland.
But when I turned 18 I wanted answers. What I found rocked me to my core.
This is my story.
Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 ABC Listen. Podcasts, radio, news, music and more.
0:06 Speaker 01 Hello, Hilary Harper with you. And in ABC Rewind, we bring you a selection of episodes from the documentary show Earshot, showcasing intimate storytelling at its best.
0:22 Speaker 02 There's a government file about my life. A file of reports.
0:32 Speaker 02 The reports date from 1985 to 2003. That's 18 years.
0:40 Speaker 02 File 105538.
0:44 Speaker 03 This is Ali Arment.
0:46 Speaker 02 No, I'm not a terrorist or a spy. From two weeks old to the day I turned 18, I was a foster child.
0:57 Speaker 03 Hi, I'm Taquim Budzi. This is Earshot and our series, The Other Me.
1:03 Speaker 02 And I do not own the file about my life.
1:07 Speaker 02 It belongs to the state of Queensland.
1:09 Speaker 03 As a teenager, Ali always wondered what was in those files. What was the system saying about her? And so...
1:17 Speaker 02 When I turned 18, I applied to get a copy of my files under the Freedom of Information Act.
1:23 Speaker 03 In this episode, Ali unearths the secrets of her files, the other Ali that the system documented. And a warning, this story contains strong descriptions of family violence.
1:40 Speaker 02 The files came to me redacted in varying degrees of photocopy quality, some handwritten, some typed. And they were posted to me, digitised, onto four CD-ROM discs.
1:55 Speaker 02 It was thousands of pages with many voices, social workers, psychiatrists, teachers, doctors, police, family, counsellors, child services, all voicing their thoughts about me.
2:10 Speaker 02 My bed. It was confronting and all too much. So I packed the files away. Until now, nearly two decades later. What do you wish for, Pearl?
2:25 Speaker 04 I wish for poo pee.
2:27 Speaker 02 Oh, that's definitely gonna come true. I'm in my mid 30s now, successful, and I'm at the top of my career in journalism and politics. I'm a mother to twin three-year-old girls.
2:41 Speaker 02 My feet are firmly on the ground and I am ready to finally put all the pieces of my life together.
2:50 Speaker 02 But let's start with what I've discovered about Alicia June Budgen, my mother.
3:02 Speaker 02 The file begins a week after I came into this world. I was born in spring 1985, a healthy nine-pound baby.
3:14 Speaker 05 1st of December 1985. I am a detective sergeant of Queensland Police. On Wednesday 27th November 1985, I attended a meeting convened at the Royal Children's Hospital. Amongst matters discussed was the case of the infant Alicia Jane Budgen. Her mother, Alicia June Budgen, is aged 22 years.
3:43 Speaker 02 When my mother named me Alicia Jane, just a few consonants away from her own name, she was clueless to the fact my half-sister had entered the world just eight hours before me, only 200 kilometres west of our little hospital room. Like twins born so close together, same dad, different mums. I wouldn't know about my sister for another 20 years. But that's another very long, crazy story.
4:18 Speaker 02 Just weeks after I was born, my file reveals a decision that would change the course of my life.
4:29 Speaker 05 After birth, Alicia was infatuated with her baby and showed great affection, performing feeding and changing tasks well. Worrying behaviour was noted. Alicia was observed by nursing staff to cover the baby's head with a pillow because she thought the light was too bright. Also, she was seen to place her hand over the infant's face to stop her crying.
4:57 Speaker 02 I picture my mother, just 22, with a history of mental illness, alone in that room, struggling to look after her baby.
5:09 Speaker 02 The report goes on.
5:11 Speaker 05 There is no evidence of acute schizophrenia at present, but there were signs of chronic residual schizophrenia. And appeared of borderline intelligence. Alicia's coping with her child was at risk. She's at high risk of psychotic relapse.
5:29 Speaker 02 Just days later, the court ordered my removal.
5:32 Speaker 05 1st December 1985. I now request that this court make an order for the baby, Alicia Jane Budgeon, to be placed in the protection of the Director of Department of Children's Services.
5:48 Speaker 02 And that was that. My destiny was set.
5:53 Speaker 02 I would live under that protection order, in the care of the state, until the day I turned 18.
6:05 Speaker 02 Do you want to start by telling me who am I to you?
6:09 Speaker 06 Okay, I'm Helen Budgeon. You're my second cousin-in-law, that would be right?
6:16 Speaker 02 I guess so. I just think of you as an auntie.
6:19 Speaker 06 I'm probably as close to an auntie as you have. When she actually had you, I don't even think we knew that you were born. Alicia rang me one evening. She was so excited and so happy. And I asked her how the family felt about you. And she said, well, no one had actually been to see her. And so I said, right, well, I will come down and see you. And she was just radiant. She was thrilled to have someone to come and share her delight. And when we went to see you in the nursery, Alicia had to go and ask the nurses to bring you to the window of the nursery so I could look at you through the window.
7:04 Speaker 06 So you were just absolutely beautiful. You looked just like a little bud, some part of the family. You were just a beautiful little baby. She loved you so much. And she wasn't showing any signs of mental illness when I saw her. And I also have to tell you that she didn't leave the hospital for quite some time. Six weeks comes to mind because she knew that when she left the hospital, she wouldn't be able to be with you anymore.
7:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's, that's giving me goosebumps.
7:41 Speaker 06 She couldn't take you from the hospital unless she had somebody to care for you both. And would I consider taking you both in? And so I did seriously consider that. So I rang her doctor and he said, Helen, it wouldn't matter if you were the Queen of England. Ellie's a ward of the state and you aren't allowed to take her in. So that was the decision made.
8:13 Speaker 02 This was the first time I'd ever talked about this with Helen. And hearing these things about my mother from someone who loved her, it was a revelation. But the most distressing revelation is learning that my mother fought to keep me. Department of Children's Services report on post-court decision.
8:38 Speaker 07 1285. Mother is objecting to the placing of her child in foster care until she can gain parenting skills. Mother is distraught and cannot accept the baby is in custody.
8:48 Speaker 02 But, three months later, she finally gave in.
8:53 Speaker 07 Baby admitted to care and protection in February 1986, placed in long-term fostering, not contested by mother.
9:05 Speaker 02 What the file doesn't detail is that single excruciating moment when I was physically taken from her side. Or maybe I was in her arms. Maybe the caseworker said, "Okay now, Alicia, it's time to say goodbye." And inevitably, there was the moment where she had to let me go, not knowing who to or where I was going or when she would see me again. I'm certain after it happened, she would have been left all alone. Still, empty, quiet, and alone.
9:56 Speaker 02 I was nearly three months old when I was placed with my foster family, and my birth mother was only allowed supervised access visits, one hour a month.
10:06 Speaker 07 14th of August, 1989. Mother appeared well groomed and bearing gifts for her child. The visit went well and no inappropriate behaviour noted.
10:17 Speaker 02 When I was four, she was allowed to see me unsupervised for one day every month at her cousin Helen's house.
10:26 Speaker 06 But your mum, she tried so hard from when you were born to when you were four, to be the best person she could be and to take her medication and to stay good to earn the privilege of being able to see you. It meant everything to her. You were her world. She just lived to be able to see you again.
10:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, that makes me feel emotional hearing that. It's just thinking of her.
11:00 Speaker 02 Just yearning for me, like that one, it was so difficult for her to just survive and get through every day.
11:13 Speaker 07 Apparently, Alicia is taking steps to have Ally back in her care. Although it was to my understanding that Alicia was deemed to be unsuitable for this to ever happen, I feel the grandmother is pushing her in this futile direction.
11:30 Speaker 02 When I read these case notes and hear my mother's story, I panic and my chest tightens. I think of my girls. Since I started delving into my files, I've had recurring dreams of not being able to find them, or forgetting where they are, or seeing them and not being able to touch them.
12:07 Speaker 02 Somehow, over the years, the visits with my birth mother dwindle, and by the time I'm 10, I only see her four times a year.
12:18 Speaker 07 16th of August, 1995.
12:21 Speaker 05 Alicia Budgen has requested some assistance in parenting. Her main priority is communicating with a 10-year-old daughter.
12:30 Speaker 02 To read she's still trying to get me back, when I've barely had any contact with her, it's so cruel.
12:41 Speaker 02 And I remember telling my foster parents and the department that I want to spend less time with her, because she was so strange to me.
12:50 Speaker 00 Ally only wants contact with her mother three times a year. No overnight visits. No visits on her own. No visits on special occasions, such as Christmas and her birthday.
13:00 Speaker 02 I feel bad about this now. By the time I was a teenager, I had no contact with her at all.
13:14 Speaker 02 I have no memory of being known by anything but the name my foster parents gave me. They shortened Alicia to Ally and gave me their last name.
13:26 Speaker 02 They had two teenage girls, my foster father's daughters, both much older than me. I became like their own child and my early childhood was happy.
13:39 Speaker 02 People tell me I was an adoring, whimsical little girl, lost in my own dream world, playing in my dollhouse or in the back garden looking for fairies. The greatest gift my foster father gave me was the love of nature and animals. He was a bushman, a hunter, a fisherman, diver, taxidermist. He could fix or make anything. He made sure I learnt how to ride on a fat, dusty little pony called Fame. And I am so thankful.
14:16 Speaker 02 But he was also violent.
14:22 Speaker 02 When I was seven, my foster father would make me stand in front of him and recite my times tables. He'd whack my shins with a wooden ruler if I got one wrong. And then, as I got older, he started hitting me with his leather belt. Anything could set him off, like not offering to do the dishes, talking back, or if I accidentally lost or broke something.
14:49 Speaker 02 Summary of contact. During the course of the meeting, Ally disclosed the following to me. Her foster father and mother used physical forms of punishment to manage her behaviour. She stated that just last night, her foster father had hit her in the head with a full milk bottle.
15:10 Speaker 02 She also said he hit her around the head area with his open hand and had kicked her in the backside this morning.
15:18 Speaker 02 One night, I was ironing my school uniform in the laundry and he came in raging about something I'd done.
15:27 Speaker 02 He pushed me to the ground on the cold green tiles, then grabbed the hot iron and held it millimetres from my head.
15:41 Speaker 02 Another time, he put me in a chokehold against the bathroom wall for using two towels, not one.
15:51 Speaker 02 My foster mother never intervened. After these episodes, I would sob into my pillow late into the night. And sometimes, only sometimes, she would come into my room and pat me on the back.
16:22 Speaker 02 It was about this time when I was 14. A brilliant, vibrant young woman called Angie became my department-assigned youth worker. I've thought about her so often over the years. And as I started this story, I went looking for her. All right, thank you for doing this, Angie. Your voice sounds exactly the same. I have not heard it in 23 years.
16:49 Speaker 04 I was actually thinking last night, I was thinking, how much time did I actually spend with Ellie? And I was like, man, I spent lots of time with you.
16:59 Speaker 02 Having been in care my whole life, I had so many social workers. It was just a revolving door, in and out, in and out. You were the longest and most consistent. And that period of my life was the most tumultuous and traumatic as well. So what were your memories of me?
17:22 Speaker 04 I can remember just feeling, I mean, not feeling your pain, but just feeling your confusion. And I just wanted to be there to support you through all that confusing times and stuff that was going on.
17:33 Speaker 02 Mm hmm, mm hmm. There was a lot of stuff going on that I wasn't telling you.
17:40 Speaker 04 Yeah.
17:41 Speaker 02 But I think you could sense it, but you couldn't get it out of me.
17:46 Speaker 04 Yeah, you would never talk to me really about anything that was going on. If I think back as well, I think you also sensed your placement was breaking down. You were so fighting to stay in that placement in some aspects. Because it was who you were and where you could come.
18:03 Speaker 02 There was nothing I feared more than being put in another foster home. Also losing my entire identity. These people changed my name. They called me their daughter to, I was raised as their daughter.
18:21 Speaker 04 Met with Ellie, I asked how things had been going at home. Ellie said the same as usual. Ellie said she's scared at home. When I asked who she was scared of, she said dad. Foster mum says to Ellie that she was sick of Ellie and wanted to get rid of her. Ellie had sores on her right hand, around her knuckles. When I asked what had happened, she said it happened at school and it was a long story.
18:48 Speaker 02 How mysterious.
18:52 Speaker 04 I asked the foster father if he ever hit Ellie. And he said he had threatened to hit Ellie, but had not done so.
19:01 Speaker 02 Reading this, I feel a sense of injustice. Because the truth is, the violence at home continued nearly every night. But what I will also say is that I was a teenage girl. And all the things that come with that.
19:19 Speaker 04 Summary of contact. Foster mother rang very distressed and said she is unable to cope with Ellie's behaviour. And wants her placed for at least a six month period in an alternative care placement. She felt Ellie was out of control, throwing things, swearing and taking her personal things without asking, like makeup and curling wands.
19:41 Speaker 02 Things at home continued to deteriorate. And when I was 15, my foster parents told the department they wanted to permanently terminate my care. My worst fear had come true. I was gone.
20:00 Speaker 02 The only other options were a revolving door of youth shelters and short-term foster homes, or boarding school. So I chose boarding school. And this is how I ended up at Downlands Sacred Heart College, a private Catholic school in Toowoomba. To me, a state school kid from the country, Downlands was regal. It sprawls out atop a long pine-fringed driveway. It has green grass, arched windows, and spiral staircases. And behind the buildings, rugby ovals and cricket pitches are laced by white picket
20:45 Speaker 02 fences. This was my Harry Potter moment. I was plucked from living under the staircase and thrust into a world of dormitories, culture and tradition, all of it completely foreign to me, and all paid for by the department. Hi, Ally.
21:05 Speaker 04 Hi.
21:07 Speaker 02 This is my friend Vicky. We met on my first day at Downlands.
21:11 Speaker 04 I can picture you walking down the steps, and I remember just being gravitated towards you, just being like, "I'm gonna be friends with her." You know, you were so loving, and you were so open and sharing, and you were like a breath of fresh air. Because you were quite innocent, you didn't care what other people thought. You were free. You know, if you had a question, you would ask the question, where the rest of us as teenagers would, in our mind, go, "Oh, I can't ask that question because that would be embarrassing", where you would just ask it.
21:43 Speaker 02 But things at Downlands didn't start so well.
21:47 Speaker 01 Summary of contact. Dormitory supervisor contacted me today about Ally's behaviour at boarding school and stated she has disregard for rules, is smoking, is often AWOL, goes off campus without telling anyone where she is.
22:03 Speaker 04 I felt like you were misunderstood by some people that didn't know you were
22:07 Speaker 03 Well, you know, whilst you had a, a little wild streak, I think it just came from like a lack of respect for authority figures because of your upbringing. I don't think you had a, a strong guide from an adult figure that you really respected to, to draw from.
22:27 Speaker 02 Back then at Downlands, rugby union was god. And the girls were outnumbered by the boys four to one. And I struggled to cope with the boys. It started with their fascination in me as a hot new girl, which was overwhelming. And then because of my awkward response to them, it became endless teasing. I couldn't eat a mouthful of food or stick my hand up in class without them making fun of me. So I skipped class, skipped meals and sometimes skipped school altogether. I was suspended for smoking cigarettes on school grounds more than once.
23:13 Speaker 02 For forging leave notes, misleading staff about where I was on the weekends, just generally not conforming.
23:21 Speaker 04 Ally has bizarre behaviours, such as inappropriate laughing and is buying and selling clothes constantly. And I suspect she's stealing from other students.
23:33 Speaker 02 Some of the speculation about me in the files was wrong and it hurts to read it. Yes, I was running a clothes shop. Yes, I did stash school supplied items like milk and jars of peanut butter, laughing inappropriately. Okay, this is all very petty. But I never, never stole from the other girls. It never happened. But everyone in the school administration knew the only reason I was there was because I was a foster child with a schizophrenic mother.
24:13 Speaker 04 My name is Elizabeth Fielan and I was a teacher originally at Downlands College. And then I trained and became the school councillor in that co-ed boarding college.
24:26 Speaker 04 Phone call from Elizabeth Philan, Downlands School Councillor. Elizabeth stated the following. School staff convened a staff meeting concerning Ellie's difficult behaviour, absconding, telling lies. School staff believed Ellie has a mental health problem in relation to the fact that she is unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and exhibits disturbing ideation. School want to convene a meeting with the department to discuss the concerns and possibly of revoking Ellie's enrolment. Her behaviour was challenging, but I can't imagine what it must have been like with all of this going on,
25:08 Speaker 04 feeling the need to withdraw and escape. All of this judgement would have been very, very distressing.
25:17 Speaker 02 I think you're right, yes. My absconding, I wasn't at school but they couldn't find me in the boarding house. I actually hid underneath the bed until everyone went to school. And then I would come out from underneath the bed and just lie in bed under my covers. And now I think about it, I just want to give that girl a big hug, really, and wrap my arms around her.
25:48 Speaker 04 Yes, yes, I can hear that. I can hear that very clearly.
25:55 Speaker 02 Despite all this, I loved Downlands and everything it represented for my future. I dreamed about going to uni and becoming a diplomat in the Foreign Service. But I think I also sensed if I stayed at the school, I would be in a sphere of influence that was beyond the blue collar grind, that was colourful, expansive and full of possibilities. And I was stupidly throwing it all away.
26:35 Speaker 07 The school principal called the meeting today in order to advise that they were no longer prepared to have Ally remain at the boarding school.
26:43 Speaker 02 The school finally cracked and expelled me. I stood before my school principal, a highly respected Catholic priest, and a panel of school executives. They told me I had to pack my bags and leave now. And again, it meant I had no home. But Mrs. Phelan, my school councillor, stepped in.
27:09 Speaker 06 I had a long conversation with Father Yua about the future of this child. What happens if we do not keep her and support her? All right, she's acting out in the boarding house, but she still needs an education. This is year 11. We should retain this child as a day student so she can continue her education and get the support she needs from me and her year coordinator. And he took that on board.
27:37 Speaker 02 Being able to continue on there meant the world to me and I think it really had an impact on my future for that decision. So I thank you.
27:50 Speaker 02 So my education was saved. I could stay on as a day girl, but I still had nowhere to live.
27:59 Speaker 04 I remember it being a thing of mum and I wanting to help you, but not really knowing how. There was this one particular moment where I was standing at the front of your driveway, waiting for the Department of Family Services to pick me up, to take me to a youth shelter in Tuomba. And I was terrified and I was crying. And just the look in your mum's face, it was really heartbreaking. There was no number to call to figure out how we could help. And I had this feeling of like, why aren't more people helping you? Yeah, I felt like you were really let down
28:43 Speaker 04 by, you know, the people that were supposed to support you, adults. Yeah. I felt helpless.
28:51 Speaker 02 During this time, I remember going to the small Catholic church I'd grown up attending. I sat in the wooden pews staring at the blue robe statue of Mother Mary, crying and praying, "Please, please, someone help me."
29:11 Speaker 04 The Department of Family Services rang me out of the blue and then the next thing, they turned up with you on dark at our back steps and just dropped you off.
29:25 Speaker 02 That's the wonderful Marjorie. She and her husband Alan were my guardian angels. They ran a youth drug rehab. And although I didn't fit that category, the department was desperate to find somewhere for me to live.
29:43 Speaker 04 You arrived at our back steps with one little bag and we just felt terrible for you because it must have been so frightening. And we had an old Queenslander that looked like it was something out of Hogwarts. And coming at that time of night, and we just felt so bad for you. And the people from the department then just dropped you off and took off.
30:10 Speaker 02 Alan and Marjorie's home was a ramshackle farmhouse, reminiscent of the tornado scenes in The Wizard of Oz. Marjorie says Hogwarts, but no. We'd definitely come to my Dorothy moment. And the yellow brick road was the school bus back to Downlands.
30:31 Speaker 04 But you were just absolutely the ideal guest. I mean, you were just fantastic. You just fitted in straight away. You never gave us a moment's anxiety at any time. And as a teenager, that's unusual. We were expecting to have to deal with all sorts of... Rebellion. Different things from a teenager, but you didn't. You just were so perfect. My thoughts at the time were that you had been so battered and bruised that you'd...
31:04 Speaker 04 All ability to object and say no. Hmm, to stand up for yourself, you know, like, we thought that you'd given up. But you still had a strength, we could tell that you had a strength and determination because you were determined to finish your education and you wanted to be a diplomat, you told us. And you had your, fortunately, you had that to set your mind to, which made it easier for you to cope because you had that goal.
31:38 Speaker 02 I was so happy at Margery and Ellie's. But my goal was to return to boarding at Downlands. At the end of the year, I appealed to the principal to be a boarder again for grade 12. And he agreed. I was placed in a different boarding house and from there I sailed through my final year of high school. And one of the happiest days of my career was seeing Ellie coming into the valedictory mass and dinner, completing her education. It was a source of incredible joy to me. Thank you. It really was. Thanks, Lizzie. You had the most beautiful blue dress.
32:24 Speaker 02 And heads were turning to look at this beautiful girl.
32:32 Speaker 02 In the final entries to my file, around the time of my 18th birthday, the urgency, the crisis, the concern, it is long gone. Here's my very last case note.
32:46 Speaker 04 Ellie noted that she would start a Bachelor of International Relations at the University of the Sunshine Coast. Instead, she had found student accommodation.
32:56 Speaker 02 Since then, I've grown into a woman. I've travelled the world and become a mum. I love the life I've made for myself. My only regret? Never connecting with my birth mother.
33:15 Speaker 02 As an adult, I only spoke to my birth mother twice. The last time was Mother's Day 2020, when I called her. I was pregnant with my twin daughters. Her mental health had deteriorated badly. She didn't know who I was or why I was talking to her. But she responded sweetly. I told her about my big belly and feeling the baby's kid. She told me she had a baby once, and that baby was taken from her. I said, "But I was that baby. I am your baby."
34:01 Speaker 02 She said nothing.
34:11 Speaker 02 My mother stopped breathing and died in her sleep last year. She was only 59.
34:26 Speaker 02 I was still considered next of kin, so I helped clean out her unit and dealt with all the admin death requires. Cleaning out her unit and seeing how she lived was confronting. It was in a high-crime, public housing estate, the size of a hotel room, and cockroach-infested.
34:51 Speaker 02 There were 20-odd notebooks filled with her handwriting, random words, symbols, lists, names, dates, and numbers. I hoped to find some understanding, but none of it made sense.
35:08 Speaker 02 In her final years, my birth mother had a mental health worker who really cared about her, Mary Anne, and so I tracked her down too.
35:20 Speaker 02 I met you at my mother's funeral sadly, and you were the most emotional person in the room. It makes me cry now, thinking I was giving the eulogy, looking at your face, Mary Anne.
35:40 Speaker 04 So I also got a bit emotional. She, she touched me. She touched me so much. She had baby dolls and she used to sit and rock with the baby dolls. And she would get very emotional and she'd cry, and so I'd sit with her while she used to cry so intensely. And I asked her, did the baby doll have a name and what did the baby doll stand for? And that's when she told me that she had a baby. Her baby was taken away from her and it caused her a great deal of pain.
36:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:23 Speaker 02 Yes, it's, uh, yes, that's what I'm all, I'm unearthing in all these files. What, what, the way it happened and how alone she was is so traumatic.
36:42 Speaker 02 I'm driving home late at night after a road trip, reconnecting and recording with people for this story. I think, why am I doing this? What has digging up the past, opening the files taught me? And this is where I've landed.
37:05 Speaker 02 If you have a purpose to your suffering, you can survive anything. I survived my teenage years by pinning hope to my imagined future. When my mother gave up her hope, being a mother, her mind slipped away forever.
37:27 Speaker 02 The Files have led me to feel more emotionally connected to her than I ever have. To give her life purpose, I must keep loving and evolving and wrap my daughters, her granddaughters, her legacy in love, care, consistency, and hope. All go off and make your little wishes come true. May her suffering be not for nothing.
38:11 Speaker 03 The Foster Files was produced by Ali Armond and Kirsty Melville, with sound engineer Angie Grant. And if this story has raised any issues for you, please reach out and call Lifeline on 131114. Next time on Airshot. Deep brain stimulation sounds like something out of George Orwell's novel, 1984. But in fact, it's a treatment for Parkinson's disease. And it's allowed musician Lyndon Neale to return to singing and playing the violin. I'm Takumbuzi. See you then.
Previous Fairlight CMI - the sound you've never heard of Next 02 | Remember Me | Return of the Songbird Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated