01 | Remember Me | The Foster Files

There’s a government file about my life. A file full of reports. The reports date from 1985 to 2003. That’s 18 years. File 105538. No, I’m not a terrorist or a spy. From two weeks old, to the day I turned 18, I was a foster child. I do not own the file about my life. It belongs to the state of Queensland. But when I turned 18 I wanted answers. What I found rocked me to my core. This is my story.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  ABC Listen. Podcasts, radio, news, music and more.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Hello, Hilary Harper with you. And in ABC Rewind, we bring you a selection of episodes from the documentary show Earshot, showcasing intimate storytelling at its best.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  There's a government file about my life. A file of reports.

• 0:32Speaker 02

  The reports date from 1985 to 2003. That's 18 years.

• 0:40Speaker 02

  File 105538.

• 0:44Speaker 03

  This is Ali Arment.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  No, I'm not a terrorist or a spy. From two weeks old to the day I turned 18, I was a foster child.

• 0:57Speaker 03

  Hi, I'm Taquim Budzi. This is Earshot and our series, The Other Me.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  And I do not own the file about my life.

• 1:07Speaker 02

  It belongs to the state of Queensland.

• 1:09Speaker 03

  As a teenager, Ali always wondered what was in those files. What was the system saying about her? And so...

• 1:17Speaker 02

  When I turned 18, I applied to get a copy of my files under the Freedom of Information Act.

• 1:23Speaker 03

  In this episode, Ali unearths the secrets of her files, the other Ali that the system documented. And a warning, this story contains strong descriptions of family violence.

• 1:40Speaker 02

  The files came to me redacted in varying degrees of photocopy quality, some handwritten, some typed. And they were posted to me, digitised, onto four CD-ROM discs.

• 1:55Speaker 02

  It was thousands of pages with many voices, social workers, psychiatrists, teachers, doctors, police, family, counsellors, child services, all voicing their thoughts about me.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  My bed. It was confronting and all too much. So I packed the files away. Until now, nearly two decades later. What do you wish for, Pearl?

• 2:25Speaker 04

  I wish for poo pee.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  Oh, that's definitely gonna come true. I'm in my mid 30s now, successful, and I'm at the top of my career in journalism and politics. I'm a mother to twin three-year-old girls.

• 2:41Speaker 02

  My feet are firmly on the ground and I am ready to finally put all the pieces of my life together.

• 2:50Speaker 02

  But let's start with what I've discovered about Alicia June Budgen, my mother.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  The file begins a week after I came into this world. I was born in spring 1985, a healthy nine-pound baby.

• 3:14Speaker 05

  1st of December 1985. I am a detective sergeant of Queensland Police. On Wednesday 27th November 1985, I attended a meeting convened at the Royal Children's Hospital. Amongst matters discussed was the case of the infant Alicia Jane Budgen. Her mother, Alicia June Budgen, is aged 22 years.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  When my mother named me Alicia Jane, just a few consonants away from her own name, she was clueless to the fact my half-sister had entered the world just eight hours before me, only 200 kilometres west of our little hospital room. Like twins born so close together, same dad, different mums. I wouldn't know about my sister for another 20 years. But that's another very long, crazy story.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Just weeks after I was born, my file reveals a decision that would change the course of my life.

• 4:29Speaker 05

  After birth, Alicia was infatuated with her baby and showed great affection, performing feeding and changing tasks well. Worrying behaviour was noted. Alicia was observed by nursing staff to cover the baby's head with a pillow because she thought the light was too bright. Also, she was seen to place her hand over the infant's face to stop her crying.

• 4:57Speaker 02

  I picture my mother, just 22, with a history of mental illness, alone in that room, struggling to look after her baby.

• 5:09Speaker 02

  The report goes on.

• 5:11Speaker 05

  There is no evidence of acute schizophrenia at present, but there were signs of chronic residual schizophrenia. And appeared of borderline intelligence. Alicia's coping with her child was at risk. She's at high risk of psychotic relapse.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  Just days later, the court ordered my removal.

• 5:32Speaker 05

  1st December 1985. I now request that this court make an order for the baby, Alicia Jane Budgeon, to be placed in the protection of the Director of Department of Children's Services.

• 5:48Speaker 02

  And that was that. My destiny was set.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  I would live under that protection order, in the care of the state, until the day I turned 18.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  Do you want to start by telling me who am I to you?

• 6:09Speaker 06

  Okay, I'm Helen Budgeon. You're my second cousin-in-law, that would be right?

• 6:16Speaker 02

  I guess so. I just think of you as an auntie.

• 6:19Speaker 06

  I'm probably as close to an auntie as you have. When she actually had you, I don't even think we knew that you were born. Alicia rang me one evening. She was so excited and so happy. And I asked her how the family felt about you. And she said, well, no one had actually been to see her. And so I said, right, well, I will come down and see you. And she was just radiant. She was thrilled to have someone to come and share her delight. And when we went to see you in the nursery, Alicia had to go and ask the nurses to bring you to the window of the nursery so I could look at you through the window.

• 7:04Speaker 06

  So you were just absolutely beautiful. You looked just like a little bud, some part of the family. You were just a beautiful little baby. She loved you so much. And she wasn't showing any signs of mental illness when I saw her. And I also have to tell you that she didn't leave the hospital for quite some time. Six weeks comes to mind because she knew that when she left the hospital, she wouldn't be able to be with you anymore.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's, that's giving me goosebumps.

• 7:41Speaker 06

  She couldn't take you from the hospital unless she had somebody to care for you both. And would I consider taking you both in? And so I did seriously consider that. So I rang her doctor and he said, Helen, it wouldn't matter if you were the Queen of England. Ellie's a ward of the state and you aren't allowed to take her in. So that was the decision made.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  This was the first time I'd ever talked about this with Helen. And hearing these things about my mother from someone who loved her, it was a revelation. But the most distressing revelation is learning that my mother fought to keep me. Department of Children's Services report on post-court decision.

• 8:38Speaker 07

  1285. Mother is objecting to the placing of her child in foster care until she can gain parenting skills. Mother is distraught and cannot accept the baby is in custody.

• 8:48Speaker 02

  But, three months later, she finally gave in.

• 8:53Speaker 07

  Baby admitted to care and protection in February 1986, placed in long-term fostering, not contested by mother.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  What the file doesn't detail is that single excruciating moment when I was physically taken from her side. Or maybe I was in her arms. Maybe the caseworker said, "Okay now, Alicia, it's time to say goodbye." And inevitably, there was the moment where she had to let me go, not knowing who to or where I was going or when she would see me again. I'm certain after it happened, she would have been left all alone. Still, empty, quiet, and alone.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  I was nearly three months old when I was placed with my foster family, and my birth mother was only allowed supervised access visits, one hour a month.

• 10:06Speaker 07

  14th of August, 1989. Mother appeared well groomed and bearing gifts for her child. The visit went well and no inappropriate behaviour noted.

• 10:17Speaker 02

  When I was four, she was allowed to see me unsupervised for one day every month at her cousin Helen's house.

• 10:26Speaker 06

  But your mum, she tried so hard from when you were born to when you were four, to be the best person she could be and to take her medication and to stay good to earn the privilege of being able to see you. It meant everything to her. You were her world. She just lived to be able to see you again.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, that makes me feel emotional hearing that. It's just thinking of her.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  Just yearning for me, like that one, it was so difficult for her to just survive and get through every day.

• 11:13Speaker 07

  Apparently, Alicia is taking steps to have Ally back in her care. Although it was to my understanding that Alicia was deemed to be unsuitable for this to ever happen, I feel the grandmother is pushing her in this futile direction.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  When I read these case notes and hear my mother's story, I panic and my chest tightens. I think of my girls. Since I started delving into my files, I've had recurring dreams of not being able to find them, or forgetting where they are, or seeing them and not being able to touch them.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  Somehow, over the years, the visits with my birth mother dwindle, and by the time I'm 10, I only see her four times a year.

• 12:18Speaker 07

  16th of August, 1995.

• 12:21Speaker 05

  Alicia Budgen has requested some assistance in parenting. Her main priority is communicating with a 10-year-old daughter.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  To read she's still trying to get me back, when I've barely had any contact with her, it's so cruel.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  And I remember telling my foster parents and the department that I want to spend less time with her, because she was so strange to me.

• 12:50Speaker 00

  Ally only wants contact with her mother three times a year. No overnight visits. No visits on her own. No visits on special occasions, such as Christmas and her birthday.

• 13:00Speaker 02

  I feel bad about this now. By the time I was a teenager, I had no contact with her at all.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  I have no memory of being known by anything but the name my foster parents gave me. They shortened Alicia to Ally and gave me their last name.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  They had two teenage girls, my foster father's daughters, both much older than me. I became like their own child and my early childhood was happy.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  People tell me I was an adoring, whimsical little girl, lost in my own dream world, playing in my dollhouse or in the back garden looking for fairies. The greatest gift my foster father gave me was the love of nature and animals. He was a bushman, a hunter, a fisherman, diver, taxidermist. He could fix or make anything. He made sure I learnt how to ride on a fat, dusty little pony called Fame. And I am so thankful.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  But he was also violent.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  When I was seven, my foster father would make me stand in front of him and recite my times tables. He'd whack my shins with a wooden ruler if I got one wrong. And then, as I got older, he started hitting me with his leather belt. Anything could set him off, like not offering to do the dishes, talking back, or if I accidentally lost or broke something.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  Summary of contact. During the course of the meeting, Ally disclosed the following to me. Her foster father and mother used physical forms of punishment to manage her behaviour. She stated that just last night, her foster father had hit her in the head with a full milk bottle.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  She also said he hit her around the head area with his open hand and had kicked her in the backside this morning.

• 15:18Speaker 02

  One night, I was ironing my school uniform in the laundry and he came in raging about something I'd done.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  He pushed me to the ground on the cold green tiles, then grabbed the hot iron and held it millimetres from my head.

• 15:41Speaker 02

  Another time, he put me in a chokehold against the bathroom wall for using two towels, not one.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  My foster mother never intervened. After these episodes, I would sob into my pillow late into the night. And sometimes, only sometimes, she would come into my room and pat me on the back.

• 16:22Speaker 02

  It was about this time when I was 14. A brilliant, vibrant young woman called Angie became my department-assigned youth worker. I've thought about her so often over the years. And as I started this story, I went looking for her. All right, thank you for doing this, Angie. Your voice sounds exactly the same. I have not heard it in 23 years.

• 16:49Speaker 04

  I was actually thinking last night, I was thinking, how much time did I actually spend with Ellie? And I was like, man, I spent lots of time with you.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Having been in care my whole life, I had so many social workers. It was just a revolving door, in and out, in and out. You were the longest and most consistent. And that period of my life was the most tumultuous and traumatic as well. So what were your memories of me?

• 17:22Speaker 04

  I can remember just feeling, I mean, not feeling your pain, but just feeling your confusion. And I just wanted to be there to support you through all that confusing times and stuff that was going on.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  Mm hmm, mm hmm. There was a lot of stuff going on that I wasn't telling you.

• 17:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:41Speaker 02

  But I think you could sense it, but you couldn't get it out of me.

• 17:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, you would never talk to me really about anything that was going on. If I think back as well, I think you also sensed your placement was breaking down. You were so fighting to stay in that placement in some aspects. Because it was who you were and where you could come.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  There was nothing I feared more than being put in another foster home. Also losing my entire identity. These people changed my name. They called me their daughter to, I was raised as their daughter.

• 18:21Speaker 04

  Met with Ellie, I asked how things had been going at home. Ellie said the same as usual. Ellie said she's scared at home. When I asked who she was scared of, she said dad. Foster mum says to Ellie that she was sick of Ellie and wanted to get rid of her. Ellie had sores on her right hand, around her knuckles. When I asked what had happened, she said it happened at school and it was a long story.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  How mysterious.

• 18:52Speaker 04

  I asked the foster father if he ever hit Ellie. And he said he had threatened to hit Ellie, but had not done so.

• 19:01Speaker 02

  Reading this, I feel a sense of injustice. Because the truth is, the violence at home continued nearly every night. But what I will also say is that I was a teenage girl. And all the things that come with that.

• 19:19Speaker 04

  Summary of contact. Foster mother rang very distressed and said she is unable to cope with Ellie's behaviour. And wants her placed for at least a six month period in an alternative care placement. She felt Ellie was out of control, throwing things, swearing and taking her personal things without asking, like makeup and curling wands.

• 19:41Speaker 02

  Things at home continued to deteriorate. And when I was 15, my foster parents told the department they wanted to permanently terminate my care. My worst fear had come true. I was gone.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  The only other options were a revolving door of youth shelters and short-term foster homes, or boarding school. So I chose boarding school. And this is how I ended up at Downlands Sacred Heart College, a private Catholic school in Toowoomba. To me, a state school kid from the country, Downlands was regal. It sprawls out atop a long pine-fringed driveway. It has green grass, arched windows, and spiral staircases. And behind the buildings, rugby ovals and cricket pitches are laced by white picket

• 20:45Speaker 02

  fences. This was my Harry Potter moment. I was plucked from living under the staircase and thrust into a world of dormitories, culture and tradition, all of it completely foreign to me, and all paid for by the department. Hi, Ally.

• 21:05Speaker 04

  Hi.

• 21:07Speaker 02

  This is my friend Vicky. We met on my first day at Downlands.

• 21:11Speaker 04

  I can picture you walking down the steps, and I remember just being gravitated towards you, just being like, "I'm gonna be friends with her." You know, you were so loving, and you were so open and sharing, and you were like a breath of fresh air. Because you were quite innocent, you didn't care what other people thought. You were free. You know, if you had a question, you would ask the question, where the rest of us as teenagers would, in our mind, go, "Oh, I can't ask that question because that would be embarrassing", where you would just ask it.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  But things at Downlands didn't start so well.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Summary of contact. Dormitory supervisor contacted me today about Ally's behaviour at boarding school and stated she has disregard for rules, is smoking, is often AWOL, goes off campus without telling anyone where she is.

• 22:03Speaker 04

  I felt like you were misunderstood by some people that didn't know you were

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Well, you know, whilst you had a, a little wild streak, I think it just came from like a lack of respect for authority figures because of your upbringing. I don't think you had a, a strong guide from an adult figure that you really respected to, to draw from.

• 22:27Speaker 02

  Back then at Downlands, rugby union was god. And the girls were outnumbered by the boys four to one. And I struggled to cope with the boys. It started with their fascination in me as a hot new girl, which was overwhelming. And then because of my awkward response to them, it became endless teasing. I couldn't eat a mouthful of food or stick my hand up in class without them making fun of me. So I skipped class, skipped meals and sometimes skipped school altogether. I was suspended for smoking cigarettes on school grounds more than once.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  For forging leave notes, misleading staff about where I was on the weekends, just generally not conforming.

• 23:21Speaker 04

  Ally has bizarre behaviours, such as inappropriate laughing and is buying and selling clothes constantly. And I suspect she's stealing from other students.

• 23:33Speaker 02

  Some of the speculation about me in the files was wrong and it hurts to read it. Yes, I was running a clothes shop. Yes, I did stash school supplied items like milk and jars of peanut butter, laughing inappropriately. Okay, this is all very petty. But I never, never stole from the other girls. It never happened. But everyone in the school administration knew the only reason I was there was because I was a foster child with a schizophrenic mother.

• 24:13Speaker 04

  My name is Elizabeth Fielan and I was a teacher originally at Downlands College. And then I trained and became the school councillor in that co-ed boarding college.

• 24:26Speaker 04

  Phone call from Elizabeth Philan, Downlands School Councillor. Elizabeth stated the following. School staff convened a staff meeting concerning Ellie's difficult behaviour, absconding, telling lies. School staff believed Ellie has a mental health problem in relation to the fact that she is unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and exhibits disturbing ideation. School want to convene a meeting with the department to discuss the concerns and possibly of revoking Ellie's enrolment. Her behaviour was challenging, but I can't imagine what it must have been like with all of this going on,

• 25:08Speaker 04

  feeling the need to withdraw and escape. All of this judgement would have been very, very distressing.

• 25:17Speaker 02

  I think you're right, yes. My absconding, I wasn't at school but they couldn't find me in the boarding house. I actually hid underneath the bed until everyone went to school. And then I would come out from underneath the bed and just lie in bed under my covers. And now I think about it, I just want to give that girl a big hug, really, and wrap my arms around her.

• 25:48Speaker 04

  Yes, yes, I can hear that. I can hear that very clearly.

• 25:55Speaker 02

  Despite all this, I loved Downlands and everything it represented for my future. I dreamed about going to uni and becoming a diplomat in the Foreign Service. But I think I also sensed if I stayed at the school, I would be in a sphere of influence that was beyond the blue collar grind, that was colourful, expansive and full of possibilities. And I was stupidly throwing it all away.

• 26:35Speaker 07

  The school principal called the meeting today in order to advise that they were no longer prepared to have Ally remain at the boarding school.

• 26:43Speaker 02

  The school finally cracked and expelled me. I stood before my school principal, a highly respected Catholic priest, and a panel of school executives. They told me I had to pack my bags and leave now. And again, it meant I had no home. But Mrs. Phelan, my school councillor, stepped in.

• 27:09Speaker 06

  I had a long conversation with Father Yua about the future of this child. What happens if we do not keep her and support her? All right, she's acting out in the boarding house, but she still needs an education. This is year 11. We should retain this child as a day student so she can continue her education and get the support she needs from me and her year coordinator. And he took that on board.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Being able to continue on there meant the world to me and I think it really had an impact on my future for that decision. So I thank you.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  So my education was saved. I could stay on as a day girl, but I still had nowhere to live.

• 27:59Speaker 04

  I remember it being a thing of mum and I wanting to help you, but not really knowing how. There was this one particular moment where I was standing at the front of your driveway, waiting for the Department of Family Services to pick me up, to take me to a youth shelter in Tuomba. And I was terrified and I was crying. And just the look in your mum's face, it was really heartbreaking. There was no number to call to figure out how we could help. And I had this feeling of like, why aren't more people helping you? Yeah, I felt like you were really let down

• 28:43Speaker 04

  by, you know, the people that were supposed to support you, adults. Yeah. I felt helpless.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  During this time, I remember going to the small Catholic church I'd grown up attending. I sat in the wooden pews staring at the blue robe statue of Mother Mary, crying and praying, "Please, please, someone help me."

• 29:11Speaker 04

  The Department of Family Services rang me out of the blue and then the next thing, they turned up with you on dark at our back steps and just dropped you off.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  That's the wonderful Marjorie. She and her husband Alan were my guardian angels. They ran a youth drug rehab. And although I didn't fit that category, the department was desperate to find somewhere for me to live.

• 29:43Speaker 04

  You arrived at our back steps with one little bag and we just felt terrible for you because it must have been so frightening. And we had an old Queenslander that looked like it was something out of Hogwarts. And coming at that time of night, and we just felt so bad for you. And the people from the department then just dropped you off and took off.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  Alan and Marjorie's home was a ramshackle farmhouse, reminiscent of the tornado scenes in The Wizard of Oz. Marjorie says Hogwarts, but no. We'd definitely come to my Dorothy moment. And the yellow brick road was the school bus back to Downlands.

• 30:31Speaker 04

  But you were just absolutely the ideal guest. I mean, you were just fantastic. You just fitted in straight away. You never gave us a moment's anxiety at any time. And as a teenager, that's unusual. We were expecting to have to deal with all sorts of... Rebellion. Different things from a teenager, but you didn't. You just were so perfect. My thoughts at the time were that you had been so battered and bruised that you'd...

• 31:04Speaker 04

  All ability to object and say no. Hmm, to stand up for yourself, you know, like, we thought that you'd given up. But you still had a strength, we could tell that you had a strength and determination because you were determined to finish your education and you wanted to be a diplomat, you told us. And you had your, fortunately, you had that to set your mind to, which made it easier for you to cope because you had that goal.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  I was so happy at Margery and Ellie's. But my goal was to return to boarding at Downlands. At the end of the year, I appealed to the principal to be a boarder again for grade 12. And he agreed. I was placed in a different boarding house and from there I sailed through my final year of high school. And one of the happiest days of my career was seeing Ellie coming into the valedictory mass and dinner, completing her education. It was a source of incredible joy to me. Thank you. It really was. Thanks, Lizzie. You had the most beautiful blue dress.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  And heads were turning to look at this beautiful girl.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  In the final entries to my file, around the time of my 18th birthday, the urgency, the crisis, the concern, it is long gone. Here's my very last case note.

• 32:46Speaker 04

  Ellie noted that she would start a Bachelor of International Relations at the University of the Sunshine Coast. Instead, she had found student accommodation.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  Since then, I've grown into a woman. I've travelled the world and become a mum. I love the life I've made for myself. My only regret? Never connecting with my birth mother.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  As an adult, I only spoke to my birth mother twice. The last time was Mother's Day 2020, when I called her. I was pregnant with my twin daughters. Her mental health had deteriorated badly. She didn't know who I was or why I was talking to her. But she responded sweetly. I told her about my big belly and feeling the baby's kid. She told me she had a baby once, and that baby was taken from her. I said, "But I was that baby. I am your baby."

• 34:01Speaker 02

  She said nothing.

• 34:11Speaker 02

  My mother stopped breathing and died in her sleep last year. She was only 59.

• 34:26Speaker 02

  I was still considered next of kin, so I helped clean out her unit and dealt with all the admin death requires. Cleaning out her unit and seeing how she lived was confronting. It was in a high-crime, public housing estate, the size of a hotel room, and cockroach-infested.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  There were 20-odd notebooks filled with her handwriting, random words, symbols, lists, names, dates, and numbers. I hoped to find some understanding, but none of it made sense.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  In her final years, my birth mother had a mental health worker who really cared about her, Mary Anne, and so I tracked her down too.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  I met you at my mother's funeral sadly, and you were the most emotional person in the room. It makes me cry now, thinking I was giving the eulogy, looking at your face, Mary Anne.

• 35:40Speaker 04

  So I also got a bit emotional. She, she touched me. She touched me so much. She had baby dolls and she used to sit and rock with the baby dolls. And she would get very emotional and she'd cry, and so I'd sit with her while she used to cry so intensely. And I asked her, did the baby doll have a name and what did the baby doll stand for? And that's when she told me that she had a baby. Her baby was taken away from her and it caused her a great deal of pain.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  Yes, it's, uh, yes, that's what I'm all, I'm unearthing in all these files. What, what, the way it happened and how alone she was is so traumatic.

• 36:42Speaker 02

  I'm driving home late at night after a road trip, reconnecting and recording with people for this story. I think, why am I doing this? What has digging up the past, opening the files taught me? And this is where I've landed.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  If you have a purpose to your suffering, you can survive anything. I survived my teenage years by pinning hope to my imagined future. When my mother gave up her hope, being a mother, her mind slipped away forever.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  The Files have led me to feel more emotionally connected to her than I ever have. To give her life purpose, I must keep loving and evolving and wrap my daughters, her granddaughters, her legacy in love, care, consistency, and hope. All go off and make your little wishes come true. May her suffering be not for nothing.

• 38:11Speaker 03

  The Foster Files was produced by Ali Armond and Kirsty Melville, with sound engineer Angie Grant. And if this story has raised any issues for you, please reach out and call Lifeline on 131114. Next time on Airshot. Deep brain stimulation sounds like something out of George Orwell's novel, 1984. But in fact, it's a treatment for Parkinson's disease. And it's allowed musician Lyndon Neale to return to singing and playing the violin. I'm Takumbuzi. See you then.