Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

SPONSORS: Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://shipstation.com, with code cave. If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to https://NetSuite. AI/BEARS. Head to Factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer compare their two very different eras of being fat, Tom's custom-made fat guy shirts, hard visceral fat vs. soft fat, and why losing weight made everyone think Tom got lip injections. Bert's sober documentary binge takes them from Patient Zero "Gay Tom" spreading AIDS across the Air Canada route map to Concorde pricing scams. Tom also reveals the fattest thing he's ever seen Bert do: ten appetizers, four entrées, and twenty doubles in Tallahassee. Bert also retells Bill Hader's retelling of Henry Rollins meeting David Lee Roth, and his daughter's instantly legendary Boston Tea Party take. Then things get real: a midlife crisis YouTube video sends Bert and LeeAnn into a "sell everything and get five apartments in five cities" fantasy, LeeAnn gets brutally honest about when she was happiest, and Tom breaks down the difference between happy and content. Plus: Hulk Hogan inflating Andre the Giant's weight, Julian's belt reaction to the Michael Jackson movie, Whoop resting heart rate brags, Craig Robinson's dunk, and the great first sweat vs. last sweat debate. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 334 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro00:00:52 - Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom00:09:16 - Patient Zero, Polio, & The Concorde00:19:38 - The Fattest Thing Tom Ever Saw Bert Do00:23:55 - Bill Hader, David Lee Roth & Boston Tea Party00:32:21 - Hulk Hogan, Macho Man & LeeAnn Off Leash00:36:37 - Five Apartments In Five Cities00:46:12 - Bert's Midlife Crisis Theory00:54:34 - "You're Not Hitting The Notes, Mike"00:57:05 - Whoop Brags & Craig Robinson Dunking01:02:36 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  We dress similar.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. This is our, uh, uniform.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  It's the comedian's uniform.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  It is.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  The comedian's uniform is a black t-shirt.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Do you remember what comedian uniforms was, like a black collared shirt with jeans?

• 0:18Speaker 01

  The, the collared shirt? The, yeah.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Button down.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Button down, yeah. You did, um, comfortably dumb like that.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  Comfortably dumb, and so did,

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Chris, uh, Chris Titus.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 0:29Speaker 00

  Bill Burr. Jim Brewer.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  That was the uniform.

• 0:33Speaker 00

  And Pete Corielli, we all wore the exact same outfits on our special.

• 0:36Speaker 01

  And that used to be the thing. It was like, I'm doing the improv this weekend. Get your button down collared shirt on.

• 0:42Speaker 00

  Isn't that crazy?

• 0:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  It, it, I used to wear a collar, I used to bring a collared shirt with me.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  On a hanger.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:52Speaker 00

  Can I tell you when I think you changed?

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Me?

• 0:55Speaker 00

  Yes. There is a, there is a video you did a very long time ago.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:59Speaker 00

  It's the most, it's, there's a difference, like, the way Fat Tom dressed and the way Skinny Tom dresses. Oh, my God. Can I, can I, okay, let's put a hold on this.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  Holy shit.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  No, hang on, I'm, I have a, but, but like you did a video, you were doing Conan, I think. And you had like a fat guy shirt.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19Speaker 00

  And you, and you were so proud of it, and you did a fat guy dance with a fat guy shirt.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  A fat guy dance?

• 1:25Speaker 00

  Do you remember the shirt? You're like, oh, I got the, and it was like, uh, like Big Dog's shirt or something.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Do you remember the shirt you wore? Like you were, you were doing Co- okay, what late night spots did you, I can figure this out. It wasn't Fallon.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Back then, I did, um, I did Conan a couple times.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  It was Conan, it was a hundred percent Conan.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  And then I did, um, I think I did Ferguson? Stand up? I did stand up on Ferguson.

• 1:49Speaker 00

  And, but you wore, you had, you brought your shirt, and it was like a short sleeve button down collared shirt.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  But it was a, and you were, you were, you had it hung up, and you were in like slob clothes offstage, and then you had like this, like, and you were like, oh, I got the dot, dot, dot.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  But I did that on camera?

• 2:07Speaker 00

  You, you were doing it on Instagram.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Oh, on Instagram?

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, on Instagram.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  And you had, you had Nike, um, Air Force Ones.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  That was when you had fat guy uniform.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, the thing is, the reason I was probably so proud of that shirt is because it was custom made for my fat ass, you know? Like, I couldn't buy a shirt at a store. So I was like, hey, can somebody make me a shirt?

• 2:30Speaker 00

  What is the part of, since I've lost weight, I've, the thing that, what's insane to me is I never was embarrassed of my body fat. Like, I never had a lot of insecurities. I just was like, this is what I look like.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Really?

• 2:43Speaker 00

  And isn't that crazy?

• 2:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Like, I see, I see pictures now, and I go, whoa, why didn't anyone say anything?

• 2:49Speaker 01

  They did.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, what are you talking about? You didn't have any insecurities then?

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Didn't have any.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  That's insane.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Isn't that weird?

• 3:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:02Speaker 00

  And then?

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Like, that's supposed to be, by the way, the healthy sort of perspective is like, hey, celebrate your body, whatever it looks like, but no, you shouldn't have.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Can I tell you a secret?

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  I've never told anybody.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, please.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  I'm gonna get destroyed right now.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  Do you know who Lindy West is?

• 3:22Speaker 01

  Lindy West?

• 3:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  No, I've never heard of that.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, you, yeah, you have.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  I have?

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Lindy?

• 3:27Speaker 00

  She debated Jim Norton on Kamau Bell's, uh, TV show.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  About fat shaming, and she was a, like, uh, I don't know the right way to say this to her, cause I was a fan of hers. But she wrote this body positive article that I read, and I understood. Like, in the gayest way possible, I understood. I think she-

• 3:48Speaker 01

  You understood her perspective?

• 3:49Speaker 00

  A hundred percent. It's that she came out as fat.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  She just came out to her family and was like, I'm fat, you need to accept it, and stop trying to change me. I don't wanna not enjoy Thanksgiving with you people. And I was like, that's what I need. I need people to accept me as fat, because I, it sucks when you go-

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Well, you did really fucking lean in. Like, when you were, you were at your fattest, and like, I was like, whoa, you'd be like, I'm enjoying my life, man. I, I, I like having sixteen hot dogs in the middle of the day.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  So much. There is so much joy in being fat.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  When I got on Manjaro and I started getting sick from my behavior.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Um, there was a time where, where I was throwing up on my tour bus at two in the morning, and I was like, I haven't been drinking.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  This is just food.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Just food, I know. I, I leaned into fat earlier than you.

• 4:45Speaker 00

  Getting fat?

• 4:46Speaker 01

  No, like, when I was like, probably getting fat, but also like, oh, yeah, I'm fat, and that's fine. I leaned in early, but then I, then I did, then I fucking hated it. I was definitely never got, I don't think, to your point of like-

• 5:00Speaker 00

  We had two different fats.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  Two different fats.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  You have more like, uh, I'm gonna hold it down at my local hot dog stand.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Fat, like, you, your fat was like, was like, uh, like, the, it was the big, like, uh, sit different fat.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Like-

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Sit different fat.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, your legs would be open, and you'd be like,

• 5:27Speaker 01

  I don't do stairs.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  There's no elevators here?

• 5:30Speaker 00

  Can someone just pull up fat pictures of Tom? They're my favorite. They're my favorite, because I don't, I don't recognize that guy anymore. That guy's been dead for so long.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  No, oh, whoa, that is not you.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  That-

• 5:45Speaker 00

  The far right one, it makes me.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  That was the, that's the most popular fat one.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  But this one here, that's a special shirt. That's a custom shirt, bottom left. No, underneath, go back.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Back a page, go back a page.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  Back a page.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  See, underneath the far, that.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  That's a special shirt?

• 6:05Speaker 01

  That's a, that's a custom shirt, for sure.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Let me see, scroll to, to Tom. I don't wanna see his, the, the, yeah, scroll to Tom, so I can see Tom.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  That's fat. That, that shirt is probably, yeah, that's probably a custom shirt, dude.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Look at that beard.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is.

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Teeth look different.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  It is, yeah.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  You're a lot of top teeth in that.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  Do you know that people would, and I started to notice this when I would gain and lose weight, they would say that I'd had my lips done. Right? Cause they're like, they're like, I can't, like, I, people, I can't believe you, you got lip injections. I'm like, lip injections? And I was like, you realize what happened is that my lips are my lips. But when I'm fat here, they look a certain way, and if you shrink me down, my lips look bigger, right? But like, your lips look bigger if you take the fat of your face out.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  Oh, it's like, it's like when Ralphie started losing his hair, and I was like, hey, are you losing your hair? And he's like, no, dog. I'm so fat, it just spread out. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess if your head, you know, I got hairier when I lost weight?

• 7:14Speaker 01

  You grew more hair?

• 7:15Speaker 00

  No, it just, it got closer.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, that makes sense.

• 7:18Speaker 00

  Like, it was spread out, and I didn't look that hairy in pictures.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  And then it kinda-

• 7:21Speaker 00

  And now I look hairy, and everyone's like, oh, you got hairier.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  I remember when I walked out of a radio station, and he was walking in.

• 7:27Speaker 00

  Ralphie?

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Yep, and he goes, you keep losing weight, dog. And I, I hadn't lost that much weight then. I was like, yeah, he goes, you're gonna lose your whole act. You're gonna lose your whole act. I was like, I'm not you. Like, I don't talk about it for an hour.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  I was just like, no. He was like, you can't, you don't wanna do that, man.

• 7:46Speaker 00

  It's a good thing he never lost weight.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, he had an act.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, he never lost his act.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  He's like, I did three hours tonight. And I was like, yeah, I know.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  I did a podcast with him and Joey Diaz that, to this day, makes me laugh.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  Thinking about it.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  How would you describe your fat?

• 8:02Speaker 00

  My fat? Like, uh, athletic fat.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Athletic fat?

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Like, uh, yeah, like, uh, like John Crook, uh, John Daly, like, just like a fucking, it was hard fat. Here's the thing that was confusing to me, is it was tight fat.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Visceral fat?

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, it was, I guess it was really crammed in those organs. And then when I started to lose weight, this is what's kind of, I texted Jelly about this the other day.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  Is, like, this, like, makes me crazy. Like, whereas this is not as bad as what that was and this was, but this, I'd never had soft fat.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  And, and I'd see dudes with soft fat, like, comics with soft fat, and I'd be like, ooh, I don't want that shit. And then, and then I-

• 8:51Speaker 01

  Yours was hard fat.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Mine was hard fat, and I liked having a belly, like a hard belly. People would touch me and go, oh, whoa, that's where there's a rock. And I'd go, yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Like, yeah, it's visceral fat.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  It's visceral fat, it's crammed in my organs.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  But I started getting-

• 9:03Speaker 01

  It's around my liver and my kidneys, and everything is cool.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  It's pressing on, it's pressing on my heart right now.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  I don't want, uh, someone. Who was I talking to? I was talking to my dad, I think. And, and he was saying, you don't want, uh, Ozempic face.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  And I was like.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Like that gaunt look?

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I was like, do I have it? And he was like, buddy, you're really far from it.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  I was like, what?

• 9:31Speaker 01

  That's like if you lose like all your face fat, right?

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Like that HIV face.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Do you know what I started watching? This documentary on patient zero. Did we talk about this?

• 9:43Speaker 01

  I don't think so.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Are you, have I talked to someone about this? I'm obsessed with patient zero. Patient zero's name was Gay Tom.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  Yes, it was. Gay Tom. Gay Tom, Gay Tom, Gay Tom, Gay Tom. Pull up a picture of patient zero. He was a flight attendant for like, uh, for like.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Air Canada or something?

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. And he just flew around.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Fucking guys.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  Fucking dudes all over and.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  It's a good, is this good?

• 10:13Speaker 00

  It's fucking fascinating because they had to track down patient zero. Gay Tom Dugas.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Oh, it was Air Canada.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. And he was out of Vancouver and he, or Toronto, one of the two. And he was just probably Toronto, I'm guessing, maybe Vancouver. And he was just banging around slamming dudes and spreading AIDS, but.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  That is so crazy to have that be your legacy.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Like, no.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  Everybody knows you because you spread AIDS.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  But here's the thing is what's crazy.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Nuts.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  Is the patient zero, when the, when the first guy wrote it, he wrote patient O out of standing for out of California. Cause it was coming out of California. Out of California. Who's the guy spreading it out of California? Someone's taking this disease out of San Francisco and spreading it around. Patient out of California. Everyone read that as patient zero.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Scroll that down a little bit.

• 11:09Speaker 00

  And from patient zero determined he must be the first person to have AIDS. When he was absolutely probably not the first person to have AIDS.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Probably.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Someone had to give it to him.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  But it's really interesting. So look, look at the cluster.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, the cluster is really interesting, huh? So he's zero there. He banged nine, four, three, nine, eight, three, six, one, and 15. And then those people.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  He spread it to Pennsylvania, Georgia, Texas, Florida, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Jersey.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  And then

• 11:47Speaker 00

  New York City, he gave a lot of people it in New York City.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Well, he, he slept with, it looks like directly slept with one, two, three, right? Like three, four and nine there are people he would directly had contact with.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  And then those like nine gave it to 17, one and 18. And then four, see the four, looks like it didn't give it, I think that's what that's implying, right?

• 12:13Speaker 00

  Well, he was in a wheelchair.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Oh, and then all those people died? Like everybody on this graph?

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Everyone's dead. Yeah, everyone's dead. And then I started getting into AIDS documentaries where I was like, watching the spread of AIDS in Kansas City. Because it get, obviously, I'm sure he had a fucking layover in Kansas City. Dudes in Kansas City get AIDS and Kansas City was, by the way, it was, I don't, it was unfair across the world, the way they viewed people with AIDS. They were just like, they're, they're gonna give it to you. I had two uncles with AIDS and, uh.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  With AIDS?

• 12:50Speaker 00

  AIDS, well, they died of AIDS. Yeah.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  But, but adjacent uncles, they were through marriage. My uncle Pete married into a family and two of the brothers had AIDS. I, I think, I mean, one was gorgeous. I mean, beautiful. I mean, he was a stud. Gorgeous.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Got it.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  And, uh, I mean, like honestly, puka necklace, jacked, feathered fucking hair. I mean gorgeous. The other one was just a regular dude. I think he was intravenous drugs and I think that maybe, I don't know if they both were, it's irresponsible for me to even guess. But, so I knew about AIDS at a young age because I had these two people in my family that had died of AIDS. So I never understood the stigma because I didn't, I couldn't wrap my head around the stigma because I, you know, that was in our family. But the stigma was crazy. You wouldn't, when Princess Diana shook hands with someone with AIDS, everyone was like, oh, now she's got AIDS.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  Well, there was a thing too, is like, that reaction was the normal reaction because people just didn't, they did it out of ignorance.

• 13:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was like COVID.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, but, but like back then, I remember they were like, cause I was a kid. They're like, you know, don't share a cup with someone who would have that. If they kiss you, you'll have AIDS.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  There was a gay, there was a gay club uh, in Ebor City and we were down the street and one of my buddies goes, dude, I just got bit by a mosquito.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  I got AIDS.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  I got AIDS. And I was like, what? And he goes, they're biting mosquitoes or biting people with AIDS over there and they're bringing AIDS to us. And I was like, we gotta get some off. Like, holy shit.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Isn't that crazy?

• 14:30Speaker 01

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• 18:17Speaker 01

  Those are the last ones.

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  I'll, I'll cue you in on the most fascinating thing about the Concord. They make Concord, there's four people competing to get the Concord contract. Air France and, and British Airways makes Concord, someone when people make the Concord anyway. It's really expensive to fly the Concord.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  And they're like, only a certain price point, we're not making any money. And then one guy just says, I wonder, I wonder if we could charge more. Send out like a, like a, a letter to the guys, the actual guys who have flown the Concord and ask them what they think they paid. So they send a letter and all the guys are like, I don't know, like 10 grand. And they're like, no, it was three. And they were like, just charge them 10 grand. These are guys who are going, telling their secretary, put me on the Concord. They have no clue what it is. The business is paying for it. The secretary is not going to try to find an aggressive price point. So Concord to make money, just increased it to what the guys thought they were paying. Isn't that crazy?

• 19:13Speaker 01

  That is crazy.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  I love information like that. That and, uh, and, uh, Polio, dude, the iron lung seems like a real fucking death sentence.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  That's not a lot of fun.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  Not a way to spend a summer.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  Tell us about your craziest summer. Well, I got Polio.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Um, what was the fattest thing?

• 19:40Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, dude. I mean, there's multiple things, but like the event where I was like, this guy is out of his mind. Was dinner in Tallahassee after the Florida State Alabama game.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  I was hot that night.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  No shit, dude.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Dude, is it unattractive when I get fire and hot like that? Cause I did that a lot of this episode and I regret, I regret that I put out on the internet how passionate I got about stupid shit.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  You were really on, I will not share how hot you did get.

• 20:12Speaker 00

  I will never say it out loud, but I've said some things I regret.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  You said some real crazy things, but the way you were consuming everything.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Was unhinged. You ordered, I think 10 appetizers for the table. And everyone was like, okay, and I saw you just inhale. And then you ordered yourself four dinners. You ordered four entrees, right? And I was like, what, what is that? You're like, you gotta try this. You had like a steak, a pasta thing, like your own fucking ham. And then like another pasta and you were just ripping through that with the booze. You probably had 20 doubles that day.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  It was fucking.

• 20:53Speaker 00

  Oh, I, I, I'm amazed at how much I could drink in a day. I had Nick Swartson on and he was like, he didn't, I don't think he loved this, but he was like, you know, I used to drink a bottle of vodka in a day. And I was like, what size? He was like, what do you mean, what size?

• 21:08Speaker 01

  You had a fucking handle?

• 21:09Speaker 00

  If it's a handle, then it's an issue, but like, I could probably go through a handle, easy.

• 21:14Speaker 01

  You probably could.

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then I was like, Purosos comes in three sizes, the small bottle.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  I crushed it in the evening. I wish I had one right now. I wish I had one right now.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 21:25Speaker 00

  The, and then, um, but yeah, I, I, I would love to say that I'll never go back to that. In the future, but there is something that I really do love about that, like overeating. Like I like overeating.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, I mean.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  I like eating. We went to David Chang's restaurant, uh, in downtown, the one that's in like the, it's like in the, in the like warehouses. Uh, I forget the name of it.

• 22:00Speaker 00

  Everything he fucking makes was incredible and I wasn't drinking, so I was just eating.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  And I was going after it.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  I, I always have to pull, pull myself, you know, like he, we have sushi so much and the, my boys love sushi and we're always, and so every time I order sushi, I realize that I just order so much. I always feel like I stuffed the gills. So like we'll order, we'll eat and then two days later we go back and I'm like, I'll remember like, I ordered too much last time. So I, I pull it back.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  My mouth's watering.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  And then I go, I finished that meal and I'm like, that's too much. I feel sick. I keep reducing what I order based on the last time and it's always too much.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  Kyle, will you please order me sushi? Uh, I want sushi for lunch and sashimi. Um, can I, Isla made me laugh so hard. We went down to spend time with her at college.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  And she made me laugh so hard, but it was in, what she was saying was idiotic, but it was in the way she was telling it. And I was wondering, cause we've talked about this before.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  And I think this is the difference between a bad storyteller and a good storyteller. Is sometimes you'll hear a bad storyteller and they'll say like, do you know what I'm saying? Or, and then you understand what I'm like, they'll, they'll almost like clutter up their sentences with words or their energy is a tad bit boring. Or we've talked about this with standup where I sent you someone's standup and I go, this all works out on paper, but I'm not laughing.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  And we were like, there's no jazz to it. There's no like freedom. It's a reason like Chappelle can go up and literally light a cigarette and you're fascinated.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  Well, yeah.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  And there's something about Chappelle when he talks, it's his rhythm or it's his, sometimes like the excitement someone has for a story. There, um, remind me to tell you a story, but Leanne told me a story that she heard Bill Hader here tell. And then someone did a video of Bill Hader messing up the original story, but all the trickle down, the story just got better. Because the thing you're married to is the original person is not interesting. The second person just remembers the interesting person. The third person remembers only the thing that made them laugh.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 00

  Have you heard the story about, uh, David Lee Roth meeting, um, uh, uh, Henry Rollins?

• 24:42Speaker 01

  No, is this the story they're talking?

• 24:43Speaker 00

  This is, I, I'm gonna retell Bill Hader's retelling of the story because it's.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  To your memory.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  It's so good.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Cause, because they have Henry Rollins telling the original story. And when Henry Rollins tells it, it's not good. It's not interesting and it's unremarkable.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  So I'll just tell the story. So

• 25:12Speaker 00

  Henry Rollins was telling this story that he met David Lee Roth and, and he was doing morning radio. And it was like, you know, six AM at a morning zoo, something. And he goes in and David Lee Roth is fucking on one. He is in a huge fucking floor to shoulder jacket. And Henry Rollins is like a big fan of David Lee Roth and he like sees David Lee Roth coming out and he's like, Diamond Dave, like I, I'm such a fucking fan. And David Lee Roth swings open his jacket and it's filled with booze. And he goes, hey, man, you want a beer? And Henry Rollins is like notoriously sober.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  And he's like, oh no, I don't drink. And David Lee Roth goes, what's the matter? You got school later?

• 25:59Speaker 00

  So I just fucked up the original story. I just fucked up. When Bill Hader tells it, it's really good.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 26:07Speaker 00

  I would say I even told it better than Bill Hader, cause I'm not married to anything. Henry Rollins tells a story and it's so long-winded and so boring that you're like, sometimes someone else should tell your stories.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Ah, you know?

• 26:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. And, and so I'm gonna tell a story Isla told me and I'll make it better. And I'll go, that's not what happened. It goes, it doesn't matter.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  That's also very you though.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  You're also very much into, it doesn't matter. I made it, I made it better.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  Doesn't matter. It's, are we moving forward? Is, is, is everyone entertained?

• 26:40Speaker 01

  That's kind of your thing though.

• 26:41Speaker 00

  And yeah, and Leanne will just sit there and go, that's not what happened. I go, shut up, just shut up.

• 26:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:46Speaker 00

  No, don't say that.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  They sneeze by themselves in this office.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  Nevermind. Hey, I take that back.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  I told you about the time I was drunk on a plane and I thought someone sneezed and I just turned around and went, God bless you. And then I realized it wasn't them. And then I turned to the next person thinking it must've been them and I went, God bless you. Now I look like a lunatic blessing people.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  So I, we're sitting at the kitchen table and we're all ordering, getting a coffee. We're all making a coffee. Now I, the insufferable thing about me is.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  You're at a place?

• 27:18Speaker 00

  No, no, we're at her place. We're all making coffee.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  And I said, cause I learned this on a documentary that I learned sober. I'll be more interesting when I drink, I promise. I said, you know why we drink coffee? And I was like, it's to wake up? I went, no. It's because of tea. We had the British, the, the, the, the Boston Tea Party and they taxed tea. So to fuck, fuck them, we were like, fuck that, we'll drink coffee. So then that's why we drink coffee is because Britain drank tea. And I'm, all the fucking people were like, fuck that, fuck tea, we'll drink coffee. That's why we drink coffee. And Isla casually goes, I think about that Boston Tea Party sometimes. That must've taken forever.

• 28:05Speaker 00

  And I go, what do you mean? She goes, for them to make all that tea to throw it overboard.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Like they're brewing tea? Let it steep a minute.

• 28:20Speaker 00

  And then, and then I couldn't stop laughing, cause I was like.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  And they're like, shh, shh, shh, turn it off. It's ready, it's ready. And Isla goes, I only brought one cup. Fuck, this is gonna take forever with one cup. Get more cups. Like, I gotta go back to my house. And we were laughing so hard. And then I retold it. She goes, it's not what I said. And I went, doesn't matter.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  It doesn't matter. Everyone's happy. Does it matter? Like, what is fucking life but, but just a memory, right?

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  So let the memory be fucking awesome.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  It's like, ugh. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. We talk about mental health more openly now, at least I do. Uh, I do way more than I did when I was younger. I didn't even talk about it to my dad, but asking for help can still feel hard and BetterHelp's latest research confirms it. BetterHelp's 2026 State of Stigma Report, interesting title, surveyed 2,000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise. Yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. It is so true. I remember when I first said I wanted to get help. It took me a while to trust a therapist. It did.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  I mean, my first three therapists, I think it was like, I was trying to break up with them the second I sat down. And then I got one that really worked. And now, I mean, I gotta be honest with you, our couples therapist, I just use for myself. I feel like we go in there and I just talk about me. I am dealing with a ton of stuff right now and I'm not dealing with it alone. And if, and if you're wondering, Bert, what are you dealing with? Then you're not following me on social media. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works. With an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session, based on over 1.7 million client reviews.

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• 32:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:14Speaker 00

  We're only here for a second. What does it matter?

• 32:17Speaker 01

  You like to take it up to a fantasy level.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:23Speaker 00

  It's what, you know, it's like, I have a little bit of Hulk Hogan in me. Cause Hulk Hogan, Hulk Hogan told you how he wanted you to feel. Like, I hope, I hope I get to meet Nick or Brooke Hogan one day.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  And just go like, hey, I, I just wanted to defend your dad a little bit. Like, I loved it. I loved it. Like when he was like, some, have you seen the documentary on Hulk?

• 32:46Speaker 01

  No, I've been meaning to though.

• 32:47Speaker 00

  It's fascinating.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  Really good.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  Cause he's like, he was like, oh, let me tell you something, man. Andre, when, during WrestleMania two, Andre was 650 pounds. We were in an airport, he stood on the thing. And then they cut to like Bret Hart and Bret Hart's like, anytime Hulk told the story, the guy went up 50 pounds. But, and then they cut to him, he's like, he was 700 pounds, brother. And you're like, but I go, I get it. No, but he wanted you to know he was big.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. So he's making it bigger and bigger.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  He wants, and he goes, I don't think, I don't think you feel the way I felt. And what's crazy is other people, like Hulk had slammed Andre before. And then I just went on deep dive of every pro wrestler I've ever fucking been in love with. Goldust, fucking, any, all these like bizarre Razor Ramon, like, and then I just, Big John Stud. Do you remember Big John Stud? Do you remember that? How did you dodge wrestling as a kid?

• 33:39Speaker 01

  It's, I think that it was like, so what I remember was I had a bus driver when I would go to, still in Cincinnati. So I was probably like seven or, seven or eight, you know? Six, seven, eight, like that age range. And I'd go to school on the school bus and this driver was a really fun dude. And he would do Macho Man impressions. So like, that's what I remember about him, him doing Macho Man and we would love it. And he would do the impression like as he, as you got on the bus or as you got off.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  Really cool, really nice guy. And that, all I remember was like liking Macho Man and, and Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant. Like they were kind of like the three big stars of this time.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  And then I just remember that, I don't know how it phased out for me, but I just remember getting into football, like, and, and I guess just gravitating more towards it and just leaving this.

• 34:41Speaker 00

  There's, there's something about wrestling that is entirely fantasy. And it's, it's so interesting. It's interesting fact about Macho Man, Randy Savage is, um, his brother, Lenny Poffo, Leepa Lenny Poffo. I think I'm saying his name right. And these are all just my one part takeaways.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Randy Macho Man Savage was like, I, I, I need like a gimmick. I need a shtick. And he heard another man go, oh yeah. He heard another man do that on a, or another wrestler and he took it. And then he started going, oh yeah, oh yeah. And then Hulk says Macho Man lost Randy. Randy disappeared, which I also identify with.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  And he disappeared and he just became Macho Man all the time. And he was no longer ever Randy. Like, like he would, he was like, and the whole Miss Elizabeth, the way he treated her in the ring, started being how he treated her a little bit out of the ring. And by the way, I'm just talking about documentaries. If you're a huge Macho Man fan and you're losing your mind right now, I apologize. But like his, it started to morph. And then I started realizing, you know, I do that with Leanne. I make jokes about Leanne, like I do this joke that she's off leash. Like if you get Leanne off leash, she's at the dog park biting other dogs in the neck.

• 36:08Speaker 00

  And today she was wildly off leash. Like she came in and I told, I told Pete and Kyle in the gym, I go heads up, Leanne's off leash and she's biting dudes. And she came in and she, I had my phone on and she goes, turn it off.

• 36:24Speaker 00

  Walked out and Kyle just goes, I think I just got bit. And then I go, oh wait, am I turning her into the character? Am I turning, do I turn everyone into the character of my life? And then every story doesn't matter about the truth. I just need it to be, you know, I'm, I'm learning a lot about myself, Tom.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  I've noticed, I've noticed.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  Isn't that crazy? Then at 53, now I start paying attention.

• 36:47Speaker 01

  You are. I wonder what's leading to that.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  It's gotta be sobriety.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  For real?

• 36:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  So is this what sober life is, where you always wake up going like?

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Awareness?

• 36:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Probably, yeah.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. You have a great sense of awareness all of a sudden.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Can I tell you a comment I saw the other day where people think that you're not actually in the room with me?

• 37:09Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 37:10Speaker 00

  That they think that we're in two different places, like on green screen.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  Why?

• 37:15Speaker 00

  I have no idea. Someone's, I, someone sent that to me and they go, Tom's, Tom's not in LA this much. I saw him the day that episode aired. They, we shoot them, we gang shoot them.

• 37:25Speaker 01

  We gang shoot them.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then we, yeah, that's why sometimes we go like, don't talk about that, cause it's gonna be three weeks old.

• 37:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. So he comes to LA, we shoot a bunch and then.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  And sometimes you come to Austin.

• 37:35Speaker 00

  And sometimes I want to come to Austin.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:38Speaker 00

  So much more these days.

• 37:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. I fucking, I, I said to Leanne, I'm gonna put this to you.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  Sell the house, right? What if we get apartments in five cities, five cities? And you live, I, I love apartment living. I mean, I'm, this is gonna sound like, yeah, I'm gonna get lit up online for this, but I love apartment living. Like I love, I love the downsize. Uh, I heard Luke Combs has a.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  Two bedroom house.

• 38:05Speaker 00

  Two bedroom house.

• 38:06Speaker 01

  But it's like four kids or something.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  2,300 square feet.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:09Speaker 00

  And, and I gotta be honest with you, my favorite house we ever had was our one on Agnes. And then we live in a house in Georgia. We live in an apartment in Georgia, two bedroom, probably 1,800, 1,100 square feet apartment.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  When you shoot?

• 38:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, when we shoot. And I love it. I love it. I love the proximity to Leanne. I love that we both have our own bedrooms. I love that we have a great living area, a great kitchen. We don't cook, we go out to eat, which makes it fun. And so I said to Leanne, what if we got rid of everything? Got rid of everything and just got five apartments in five different cities. Cause the girls are out, the girls aren't living in LA. So what are we doing here? What if we just got five cities, five apartments?

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Five apartments.

• 38:45Speaker 00

  Think about it for you. Where would your five cities be?

• 38:48Speaker 01

  Where would yours be?

• 38:49Speaker 00

  Leanne, first one she said was Hawaii.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Which I was like, yes. Second one she said, Austin, Texas.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Cool.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  Third one she said, Atlanta, Georgia.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 39:04Speaker 00

  Fourth one, New York City. Fifth one, Chicago.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  Now, I would trade out Chicago. I, I, I don't know if I'd get an apartment in New York. I don't want to live in New York. I would, I like hotels in New York.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Hotels are great in New York.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  I would much rather a hotel.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Are you talking about like doorman style apartments and everything?

• 39:25Speaker 00

  I'm talking about an apartment where you go in, you buy five pairs of workout shorts, a pair of workout shoes, five pairs of jeans, couple of nice pants, a couple of collars shirts, a bunch of shirts, a few hats.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  I love that you get the wardrobe down.

• 39:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, that, well, that's what I buy when I go on, on location. And then, uh, you got like a, a, a little, a little underbar sound system, a good television.

• 39:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  Great couch, great beds, get the beds at a fucking, uh, Helix mattress.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 39:54Speaker 00

  I do that everywhere. Helix mattresses loaded up. Five cities.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  I'm gonna say Miami.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Miami's pretty, that's a fun one.

• 40:07Speaker 00

  It's a fucking fun city.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  Miami Beach?

• 40:10Speaker 00

  Oh, yes.

• 40:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:12Speaker 00

  I would be, I would get, I would get, and I never would think this. I would get uh 18th floor, 18th story.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  Overlooking the water, so I can watch storms come in, watch sunsets.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:30Speaker 00

  Without a doubt.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  I would go, okay, I would go LA.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 40:35Speaker 01

  Austin.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  I like the New York.

• 40:38Speaker 00

  Wait, where in Austin, off Sixth Street? You're getting an apartment.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  Right, uh, too chaotic there, I think.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  Really?

• 40:44Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I would pick um, just a different street, maybe like the, in the area, the downtown area, but probably not on Sixth Street.

• 40:53Speaker 00

  Okay, cuz there's great restaurants down there.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Great restaurants. Um, New York?

• 40:58Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 40:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:59Speaker 00

  Where, where in New York?

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Uh, downtown, somewhere, Soho, I don't know, like, Lower East Side?

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Ooh, Soho. My apartment in Soho? Shut up. Alright, I switched. I want, now I want, I want New York now. I want New York.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  Then I would do something like, for a little flavor, maybe like Mexico City, you know?

• 41:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:22Speaker 01

  For the fun of like, going there, the energy, the food, like, that would be a fun place to have one also. So that'd be number four. And then if you can, you can pick anywhere, right?

• 41:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  So like, in the States, I don't need another one, so I would go also another one abroad somewhere, like, maybe in Europe?

• 41:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:41Speaker 01

  Uh, maybe like Florence or something?

• 41:46Speaker 00

  Someone said to me the other night at a graduation, your boy Tommy fucked up. I said, why? He goes, Austin? No, no. He goes, everything on the East Coast in Europe is like a three-hour flight, four-hour flight. He should have, and he goes, and he's too international. He should have been over there. And I went, really? And I forget who was telling me this. He was like, he was like, everything, guy's daughter goes to school in Scotland.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  And he was like, we ju, he goes, if, if you can say fuck LA,

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  then the, like, go, I don't need LA at all.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  And you're East Coast.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  East, oh, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a investment banker.

• 42:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 42:29Speaker 00

  It was investment banker. And it wasn't at a graduation, it was at one of my shows in New York. It was a while ago. It was a very long time ago.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Cuz he said, you, you know what he said?

• 42:39Speaker 01

  What?

• 42:40Speaker 00

  Uh, he said, um, I'm gonna fuck this up, but he's like, Monaco is just as far as LA from New York.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  From New York. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you live on the East Coast, if you live in New York, you have access to, Europe is not crazy for you.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Europe is not crazy.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  No.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Put in flights from Europe to, to, I, I, New York to Europe. I would love to do, it's, I think I fucked myself by living in LA, cuz my choices are Tokyo's seven hours, what am I gonna do in Tokyo?

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Tokyo's rad.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, but what am I gonna do in Tokyo?

• 43:17Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 43:18Speaker 00

  I can't believe they're still wearing masks.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  You're gonna have, London.

• 43:24Speaker 00

  No time.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  Six, six fifty, it says, non-stop to London.

• 43:28Speaker 00

  That seems so long.

• 43:29Speaker 01

  That's kinda long, but that's not that much crazier than, than New York, uh, LA to New York kind of flights are around that, right? Six hours?

• 43:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. It might be shorter from Atlanta. See what Atlanta to London is.

• 43:40Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 43:40Speaker 00

  Cuz it's weird the way the globe works.

• 43:43Speaker 01

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• 46:12Speaker 00

  Eight hours, no, you were right. Um, but like, I, I would love to spend more time. Did I, did I run this by you before? Have I said this to you yet? So I said, I'm reading this book about, oh, fuck, why do I say I'm reading this book? I saw this thing on YouTube.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  That's, dude, that is the name of your next book. If you write another book, it's called I Saw This Thing on YouTube. That's the perfect summary of Burt information.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  Hang on.

• 46:50Speaker 01

  I got something to say. I saw this thing on YouTube.

• 46:57Speaker 00

  It's about midlife crises.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Uh-huh.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  And so, I'll paraphrase, horrifically uncertain. So midlife crises showed up right after World War II.

• 47:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  Because people started living longer, and they were like, wait, what is this all about? And divorce, the divorce rate was like, what's gonna, Burt numbers, but like, there were 7,000 people got divorced in the United States before World War II.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 00

  And then 80,000 after World War II.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 47:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. So, and then people started living longer because, like, my, both my grandparents didn't have midlife crises. They just, my, my grandfathers just died at 50.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:32Speaker 00

  So no one lived to 80.

• 47:33Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:34Speaker 00

  So there was no midlife. You just died at 40 and 50.

• 47:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:38Speaker 00

  So they started dying, and started living longer, and they started saying, well, what is life? Like, if I'm gonna live this, what am I, is it getting better? And at a certain point, you realize, oh, it's downhill from here. Like, it doesn't get better.

• 47:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:53Speaker 00

  And then I said, oh, I should have had a midlife crisis by now. And then I was like, oh no, I got lucky. When I was about to have a midlife crisis, I got successful.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  And that.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  So I worked through my midlife crisis.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  And I achieved my dreams. From 44 to 53, nine years, I got to do everything I ever wanted to do.

• 48:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:14Speaker 00

  So I, I worked through my midlife crisis. And now I'm into like, retirement age, theoretically, I'm not gonna, but like, so like, I'm like, oh, that's great. And then I looked at Leanne, and I was like, can you believe we did that? She's like, I don't know about we. And I was like, wait, what? And then I, and the thing, the key to a midlife crisis.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  The key is, are you happier today than you were yesterday? Because, leading up to say 40 years old, like Kyle's age, I can explain it easy with Kyle, my assistant, cuz he still has his dreams to happen. He's wanting his dreams to happen. At a certain age, you realize, oh, my dreams, they didn't happen, and they're not gonna happen. And this is it. And, and am I happy here in a 2,300 square foot house with four kids on, under an acre of land, and with neighbors really close to me that I don't love?

• 49:11Speaker 00

  Overweight, my wife's overweight, I'm 50 years old, I got maybe 25 good years left? If that is, is today better than it was yesterday? And Leanne said it's not. And I, and I'm, um.

• 49:25Speaker 01

  She said, what's not?

• 49:26Speaker 00

  She said, she hasn't lived, like, today is better than yesterday. It's been, she's not as happy as she was yesterday.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 49:36Speaker 00

  And I was like, really? And then she said, she's gonna get upset that I'm sharing this.

• 49:41Speaker 01

  Cool.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  But she, she said, I was happiest raising my girls, when my girls were at home.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:51Speaker 00

  That's when I was happiest. And everything from that has been trying to recapture that.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  Isn't it? That's a very honest take.

• 49:58Speaker 00

  It's very honest. And then I said, so how do I get you there? And like, I was like.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  Let's adopt some kids.

• 50:05Speaker 00

  No, that's when we got into the five apartments.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  She was like, what if we just got rid of everything and we just traveled to go see the girls? And traveled and lived life, and just traveled, and you can do stand-up, you can make movies, you can do TV shows, but our life is spent just getting after it every day. And I was like, that's interesting.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  You think you might really do this?

• 50:24Speaker 00

  Well, no, we started saying, we started saying, life is full of possibilities. So then we started saying, alright, just, no, no idea's a bad idea. That's Leanne's motto, which is wildly incorrect.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:36Speaker 00

  There are bad ideas. Our therapist qualified that.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:41Speaker 00

  I brought it up in therapy. I go, hey, just, you know, we had no fight and she said, no ideas, bad ideas. And then our therapist goes, what about the Holocaust? That was a bad idea. I was like, all right. No, there's lots of bad ideas.

• 50:54Speaker 00

  Hey, I'm gonna be a flight attendant and have unprotected sex through the eighties.

• 50:58Speaker 01

  Bad idea. Would you buy all these apartments?

• 51:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Why not rent some?

• 51:03Speaker 00

  I could. Yeah, I could.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  But, but then we started saying, dream, okay, I, this house is my forever house. And then I said, wait, let's do dream house. Let's do hypothetical dream house.

• 51:17Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  And we started sending each other dream houses. And then all of a sudden, I go, wait, would you live in Venice? And she goes, no, but I'd live in Marina Del Rey. And I went, wait, you'd be interested in living in Marina Del Rey? I'd love to live by the beach. She goes, I'd love to live in Marina Del Rey. We would have never had that conversation had I not read this.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:34Speaker 00

  YouTube video.

• 51:35Speaker 01

  Had I not read this YouTube.

• 51:37Speaker 00

  YouTube video about midlife crisis. So I put it on you. Are you happier today than you, let's start it, let's start it from here.

• 51:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 51:46Speaker 00

  When you, when you moved to LA to follow your dream, were you happier than when you were in college?

• 51:55Speaker 01

  Hmm. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  Okay. When you started to achieve your dream and make your first special, mostly stories?

• 52:04Speaker 01

  Completely normal.

• 52:06Speaker 00

  Completely normal.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  When was mostly stories?

• 52:08Speaker 01

  After.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  When you made Completely Normal?

• 52:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:11Speaker 00

  Were you happier that day than you were when you started stand up?

• 52:16Speaker 01

  Happier that day? Probably, yeah.

• 52:19Speaker 00

  Right?

• 52:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  So have, we're climbing, right?

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Climbing, yeah.

• 52:22Speaker 00

  We're climbing. Are you happier today than the day we started Two Bears? Are you happier today? I'm so much happier. And, and by the way, I'm so, I'm just putting it, I'm so much happier than the day we started Two Bears. I was very, I was a very happy person.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  I remember the, I remember one of the days pulling up to the old place where you couldn't smoke indoors and the dog ran and everything. And I remember listening to Steely Dan and being so excited that I was all of a sudden hearing the music differently. And I was like, oh, this is fucking awesome.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  I mean, I was really happy when we started that. That was fun. Yeah.

• 53:03Speaker 00

  Are you happier today, though?

• 53:05Speaker 01

  Miss, good question. I don't know if I can like quantify it as like today, I'm happier. It's like, I feel happy, you know? I mean, happy is also this, I don't know, when you, when you say happy or, or content, right?

• 53:20Speaker 00

  I'm not content, I'm happy. I'm not.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  You're not content.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  As a matter of fact, I detest contentness.

• 53:25Speaker 01

  You, you'd embrace happiness?

• 53:27Speaker 00

  I embrace indulgence, happiness, exuberance, joy. Like, those are the things I look for. If I'm, like, that's my problem with sobriety.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:38Speaker 00

  Is sometimes I'm just content.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  I think the thing that gets me the most, if you want to use the term happy, is like a certain energy. And that energy usually comes from like, uh, doing something creative and productive. So like, if I'm, if I'm like, really enjoying, let's say, building this hour, there's a certain energy that comes from that.

• 54:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  Or like, um, working on a TV show or a movie, there's a certain energy that comes from that. That, whenever I have that creative juice going.

• 54:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:12Speaker 01

  There's a, there's a happiness about life that I feel.

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  I also feel it from other things, obviously.

• 54:19Speaker 00

  Right. Yeah, listen, I have, I went bowling with Isla and her boyfriend and, and we, I was happy. I was probably more content. But like, but you're right. When you start, the best part is when you start a project.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it starts moving. Like the, like the thing starts going. Like, that's a certain level, that's a certain type of happiness. There's happiness, obviously, like with your kids, seeing them, you know, achieve things or go for things.

• 54:45Speaker 00

  I get happier with your kids than I do my kids.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  Funniest thing I've, I will talk about this on stage, is watching Michael Jackson movie with my boys. And then Julian being like, how come he's getting beat? You know? And, um, like, cause Joe Jackson's beating Michael. And I'm like, cause his dad is just like aggressive and like abusive. And he's really mad at, you know, he's like a controlling guy and he's got a temper and Michael's not doing what he wants. And he goes, man, that's fucking hilarious. And he's like, I go, yeah. He goes, can I get a belt?

• 55:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. And he just starts, I give him a belt and he starts just like wailing, hitting everything, like hitting the bed, hitting chairs. I go, what are you doing? He goes, you're not hitting the notes, Mike.

• 55:32Speaker 01

  But when I was talking about it with someone and I was like, you know, I was like, it's so crazy. And they're like, yeah, but it's such a good thing that your son sees getting beaten as so unrealistic that he thinks it's funny.

• 55:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  You know, he doesn't realize the reality of it. He's like, that's a crazy thing that somebody would get beat. So he can find humor in it.

• 55:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:55Speaker 01

  Right? Because if he were beaten, you know, it would traumatize him to watch that. But he's just like, people get hit? Like, yeah. He goes, you've never hit us? I go, no, dude, I'm not gonna hit you guys. He's like, he's like, I still don't get why he does it. I'm like, he's a bad guy. I keep trying to tell him. He's like, he's like, oh, man. He's like, I wanna get a belt. I gotta have a belt, man. Okay, sure.

• 56:20Speaker 00

  We, Leanne explained, uh, to Isla what picking a switch was. Cause Leanne, when she was a child, if she was in trouble, she had to go pick her own switch. And Isla's like, couldn't wrap her head around it. She's like, wait, hold on. You had to pick the instrument.

• 56:36Speaker 01

  You're gonna get hit with?

• 56:37Speaker 00

  You're gonna get hit with? And Leanne's like, oh, yeah. And then Leanne, just as a thought exercise, was like, Isla, go out in the yard and pick your own switch. And Isla's like, okay. And came back with bullshit. And we started laughing. Cause I knew the, I knew the rule of picking a switch was if you didn't get something big enough, they went and picked it and it was not what you wanted.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:00Speaker 00

  And we explained that to Isla. She's like, do you have any leftover lumber?

• 57:08Speaker 00

  All right, last question.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  I'm gonna post to you. Okay, I said this today. I just hit my strain max on my whoop.

• 57:16Speaker 01

  From your workout?

• 57:17Speaker 00

  My whoop. I'm, dude, I'm sober. I am so obsessed with my whoop.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  I am so obsessed with my whoop. My heart rate, you have a crazy resting heart rate?

• 57:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:27Speaker 00

  Like, I say that about you when people bring you up.

• 57:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:29Speaker 00

  They'll go like, what's it like working with Tom? And I lean in and I go, crazy resting heart rate.

• 57:34Speaker 01

  It's, it is crazy.

• 57:35Speaker 00

  And they're like, really? I go, that's why I think he's dead inside.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:38Speaker 00

  What is it, like 40s? Upper 30s?

• 57:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it's to the point where it was, you know, alarming at one point. And I was like, I don't know if I'm alive.

• 57:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  And, um, I went to the cardiac center at Cedars and had a full, full battery of tests, as they say. And they were just like, yeah, you have, it's just, it's a good, you have a good, strong heart.

• 57:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:59Speaker 01

  Nothing, there's nothing else to say.

• 58:00Speaker 00

  The, my, my resting heart rate.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  It's probably dropped a lot, right?

• 58:05Speaker 00

  Dude, I almost wanna give you the, we should almost do a whoop episode. We should go out to whoop and do an episode at whoop with our vodka over the summer. Throw a party, get the VO2 max.

• 58:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  After we drink to see what they are recovery wise. Cause I do stand by the fact that we have the best recovery vodka in the world.

• 58:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:25Speaker 00

  But, um,

• 58:29Speaker 00

  my resting heart rate, I'm gonna just show you a picture.

• 58:32Speaker 01

  What did it used to be? Do you know what it used to be?

• 58:33Speaker 00

  I'll tell you right now.

• 58:34Speaker 01

  I bet it's, I bet it's dropped dramatically, right?

• 58:36Speaker 00

  My resting heart rate in January.

• 58:44Speaker 00

  Look at this. Over six month period, look at this. Do you see the white?

• 58:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:50Speaker 00

  That's in the seven, that's 79, that was my resting heart rate.

• 58:54Speaker 01

  79?

• 58:54Speaker 00

  January.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  It's when I got the blood clot. I was partying. Right now, resting heart rate's 59. It's low 50s. Like, on an average, but it's low 50s during the, like, right now, that's the average for the month.

• 59:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:09Speaker 00

  Uh, but it's been in the low 50s.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  So it's dropped so much.

• 59:12Speaker 00

  Dropped significantly. I mean, when I, my sleep, Tom, is insane. Like, if you looked at my sleep, look at this.

• 59:25Speaker 00

  It's just like, like flatlined. And then I had a bad dream, but hey, watch this one.

• 59:34Speaker 00

  Look at this sleep. It's just flat.

• 59:38Speaker 01

  Ah. Yeah, look at you, dude.

• 59:40Speaker 00

  I know. It's crazy. But, um, so, uh, I, my question, I'll post to you and then we'll wrap this episode up. We're at an hour five. And remember, send in your Mountain Dew submissions.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  Please.

• 59:51Speaker 00

  So we can make our sizzle.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  [email protected].

• 59:54Speaker 00

  Get a bottle of Porosos this summer.

• 59:56Speaker 01

  The number two, the word bears, the number one, the word [email protected].

• 1:00:01Speaker 00

  I, today I worked out.

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:04Speaker 00

  And I, I broke my first sweat, like in a workout.

• 1:00:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:08Speaker 00

  And it's such a great feeling.

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  The best.

• 1:00:10Speaker 00

  When you break, okay, so then I would argue, what's better? Your first sweat that your body breaks when you start working out? Or the last sweat when it's dripping off you and you're done and you're sitting on a bench, watching it come off your nose?

• 1:00:23Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a good one, dude. I think the sense of accomplishment tied to the last one takes it up a notch. That, the, the fact that you got through it.

• 1:00:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:33Speaker 01

  The first, the break also always feels good. Cause you're like, I'm doing it. Like, this is, this is happening.

• 1:00:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. Cause it, cause there's a crazy sense of accomplishment.

• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  From like, I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna do this. Oh, God, it's been five minutes and nothing's happening.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  You know, I, I used to do that break a sweat thing after four stairs. I would just walk up four stairs, be like, wow, I really did something right now. I'm sweating. When you're the fattest you can be, you sweat all the time. Like, it's, you're always sweating. It's not a sense of, you're like, fuck, I'm sweating. I just walked in here. You're just always sweating. Black guy's got it down with those towels. You know, the fat black guy has a towel over his shoulder?

• 1:01:14Speaker 00

  Craig Robinson used to go everywhere with a towel.

• 1:01:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  Have you seen him dunk?

• 1:01:18Speaker 01

  Dunk?

• 1:01:20Speaker 00

  Have you seen Craig Robinson dunk?

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  We're talking about the same.

• 1:01:23Speaker 00

  Type in Craig Robinson dunk.

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  Is he doing it now?

• 1:01:25Speaker 00

  No. Hang on. Have you not seen young Craig Robinson?

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  Tom?

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  It's better than your dunk.

• 1:01:34Speaker 01

  I bet.

• 1:01:36Speaker 00

  Get, it's a video. There you go. Young Craig Robinson could dunk.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  That's him?

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  That's Craig Robinson.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  Oh, he got up, dude.

• 1:01:47Speaker 00

  He, dude, look at, when you see the video of him.

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's hanging too.

• 1:01:51Speaker 00

  Yeah. He was skinny and athletic as fuck. You know, his brother's like, one of the most accomplished jazz drummers.

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  No idea.

• 1:02:00Speaker 00

  In, in, in the country.

• 1:02:01Speaker 01

  Craig's hilarious. That, I did not know.

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 1:02:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:06Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:02:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was, he was a different human. Talk about talent. To be able to dunk means you can ball, right?

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  But then also be as comedically funny.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  And musically.

• 1:02:18Speaker 00

  Musically and sensitive to be able to get comedy.

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:21Speaker 00

  You can't just be a meathead and get comedy.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  No. I had no idea. That's wild, dude.

• 1:02:28Speaker 00

  All right, let's see what the internet said. First sweater, last sweat. Let's see. I posted it this morning.

• 1:02:33Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  First sweater, last sweat. You ready? Everyone says last sweat, 60%.

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  All right, that's a great episode. I'm gonna take you down and give you a, a Kool-Aid pineapple slices.

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  Let's do it.

• 1:02:44Speaker 00

  And, uh, and we're done.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  Thanks for watching. We'll see you next week.