Jelly Roll Called The President A Fat Pig | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

SPONSORS: Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears Sign up now and join over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. Head to https://acorns.com/bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Limited time offer. Terms and conditions apply. See https://acorns.com/terms for details. New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days - includes all markets. Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive right in with Jelly Roll's headline-grabbing Kimmel monologue where he addressed the president as "from one fat pig to another." Bert then takes full credit for Jelly Roll's weight loss and the entire genesis of the Two Bears 5K, because technically he was in the room when that casually became a thing. They also have exciting news, a new 5K is coming in April and it's going to be bigger than ever. From there, Bert opens up about the panic attacks he's been having, severe, physical, and rooted in something he now understands: a complete lack of childhood bedtime structure. Tom grew up getting nightly Catholic prayers, a sign of the cross from mom, and the full rosary in the car for any trip over ten minutes. Bert grew up watching Letterman alone at nine years old at 3am while his dad slept off a ten mile run. The bears compare notes on childhood bedtime routines, how they each put their own kids down now, and what sleep anxiety looks like when it hits a grown adult, including Bert's most recent 36-hour panic attack that started when a friend told him he yawns too much and he forgot how to do it. He couldn't yawn for a day and a half. He finally yawned in couples therapy. That's where we are. They also get into Mel Gibson getting lightly canceled for mocking a sign language interpreter (on the scale of Mel Gibson incidents, this doesn't even register), a game of complimenting Salma Hayek on the one thing she's never heard in her 60 years on earth, Tom Hardy's new rap album, Jonah Hill's white belt jiu jitsu bravado and whether he'd actually beat Jason Bateman's ass, the Eddie Bravo black eye that made Bert walk out of a jiu jitsu class without ever taking his jeans off, and the Times Square Stabber whose fat padding made every taser completely ineffective and whose stabbing motion made this incident appear beyond ridiculous at first. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 338 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Bet with DraftKings Sportsbook to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days OR Trade with DraftKings Predictions to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Event contract trading involves risk of loss. Predictions offer void in New York. Non-withdrawable Rewards issued as Fifty dollar click-to-claims every seven days for twenty-one days. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:18 - Jelly Roll Called Trump A Fat Pig on Kimmel 00:15:49 - Mel Gibson's Sign Language Incident & Cancel Culture 00:22:32 - Childhood Bedtimes & Panic Attacks 00:33:38 - Putting Kids to Bed & Bert's Sleep Anxiety Deep Dive 00:41:44 - Bert Forgot How to Yawn and Had a 36-Hour Panic Attack 00:51:25 - Salma Hayek At 60 00:55:47 - Tom Hardy's Album, Shapeshifters & Jonah Hill's White Belt Energy 01:05:56 - The Times Square Waddling Stabber Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's cool.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Hey, guys. New Two Bears, One Cave. And Tom's catching up on his Kimmels.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Okay, man. Ah.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  You liked that, didn't you?

• 0:25Speaker 01

  That was pretty good. Yeah. So, so what happened, bro?

• 0:32Speaker 00

  Jelly.

• 0:37Speaker 00

  Jelly Roll called the president a fat pig.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  When did, wait, on TV? Like on his, like, hey, they are press a fat pig.

• 0:57Speaker 01

  How did he do it?

• 0:58Speaker 00

  He did it, he did it.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  What happened?

• 1:11Speaker 00

  He said, he said, I think, I mean, I, I watched it, but I'm paraphrasing. So he said, Mr. President, from one fat pig to another.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  And then what? He got lit up about that? It's so funny because no, there's, there's like, there's a couple of like always consistent lightning rods for like people to go crazy online. And a lot of them are around the president, right? Like they're like, he is just, he's so polarizing that like his supporters go fucking nuts in comments and then his, the people that, that hate him go crazy. And like, and then there's some like diagram of like Kimmel in that because he's such an outspoken critic.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  And people go crazy on him online where you're just like, it's wild that he's an outspoken Chris, critic of a sitting president and people go nuts on him for just for that. And then if you was, if like, I'm sure when Jelly was like, I'm gonna host, that he probably got bombarded with crazy online hate about that. It's all, so he was, he, was he like in his monologue just going, hey, from one fat pig to another?

• 2:41Speaker 01

  It's insane.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  And then people were like, what the fuck? What's crazy too is that Trump, you know, a big thing for him was to criticize Biden so much on his mental state, right? Like that he was just like, you're fucking auto pen and like, this guy is fucking not even there. He would just call him senile. He was like, this guy's out of his fucking mind. But then in, particularly in this presidency, he is so clearly physically and mentally falling apart. Like his cognitive stuff is clear that he's not as sharp as he was. He fucking falls asleep. He's definitely put on weight.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  He moves around differently than he did before. He's, he doesn't look healthy and he's 80, you know? I mean, like, it's like, I'm not saying.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  Eighty's different, man. My dad is. My dad's seven, my dad said to me the other day, he goes, my buddy called and he said 60, 70 is the new 60. And I said, yeah. And he goes, but 80 is still fucking 80.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Eighty's, yeah, yeah.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  Eighty's fucking 80.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  If he were just an 80 year old businessman, no one would really, I think, spend that much time on it. But when you're the president of the United States, you know, there's a lot that obviously goes with that. And it's fair to, and also he, he's always done these BS

• 4:14Speaker 01

  reports from his physicians that you read. They're like, I've never seen anyone in better health. Like, you're like, what is this, dude? What are you talking about? Like, you're clearly manipulating, paying this guy to say this shit. It's always bullshit. Like, he's like, Trump came in here and I was like, what are you, a fucking Olympian? And then that's the official report from the doctor. So, sorry, but Jelly said that, and then what? The next day he had to go like, I didn't mean that or what?

• 4:41Speaker 00

  No, no, he meant it.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  He said it and then I think he said it on like Tuesday or Wednesday. I did Thursday, so I don't shoot Friday. So I was the very last episode and he did a monologue that I think was, I think was very well received. I'm not sure. You know, it doesn't matter really, cause

• 5:01Speaker 00

  part of this country won't, won't hear you. And the other part of the country will only hear you. So like, it's like, there's.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  What was he telling him in his, in his pig address? Was he telling him about like losing weight or something?

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think he was talking about losing weight, I guess. He's like, hey, Mr. President, from one fat pig to the other.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  It's so crazy.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  The response he was looking for.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's so crazy to hear someone say like, Mr. President, from one fat pig to another.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  You gotta do more steps.

• 5:35Speaker 00

  And so he, he was, and I, I didn't hear it from Jelly, but I did hear it from his manager. His manager was like, was like, yeah, man, it's been pretty wild. And, and, but you know, everyone at Kimmel, I think they deal with this every day.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Every day. They probably don't bat an eye at that.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  And, and Jelly didn't say anything to me personally. Like he didn't, he was like, he was like, this has been great. It's been a blast. And he was like, this is gonna be awesome. It's me and you. We got Leslie Mann on, like, we talked and we hung out and he was, he was awesome. He did give a monologue that I think they edited down that was like 20 minutes. And I think if I'm not mistaken, and once again, I'm paraphrasing and I'm speaking for a celebrity, which I should not do, but he's a friend of mine, so I think I'll do it. I'll speak for him and Rogan are the two people I'll speak for.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  He was saying ultimately his biggest regret is the Grammys. I think that's what, if you, if you were gonna say like, there's a thing that, that he thinks about. It was his, and when they pulled him aside at the Grammys and they were like, yo, what's your political stance? And who did you vote for or whatever? And he didn't, he didn't want to make a statement because he thought it would be taken as a political statement. And in not making statement, it was made into a very political statement. And that was his regret and that was what his monologue was about. And that, and, and, and quite honestly, he reiterated shit we already know about Jelly. Listen, I, I think if you're a fan of Jelly's, then you're a fan of Jelly's. If you all of a sudden decide that you're not a fan of Jelly's because you made a joke about the president.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Being a fat pig.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, being a fat pig. I don't, I don't think you were there for the ride.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  This is a guy that's been in prison. I mean, he's got, he's got, he's got, you know, a textured history. So like.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  There's way crazier things said about presidents. Like it's for that to like blow you away. It's like, people say wild shit about presidents all the time. You're the most famous person on earth.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  I called Leanne, I called Leanne, I talked about you in the, in the thing. I talked about you and Jelly in my panel.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Really?

• 7:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, but casually, I'm not, it didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  What did you say?

• 7:51Speaker 00

  Nothing. It was nothing really.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  You just said you had something to talk about. So what is it?

• 7:55Speaker 00

  No, no, I was like, no, no, no, that actually wasn't what I was talking about. He said some, I, I don't know what, I don't know how we got on it. But he was like, uh, how, I, I.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  Oh, he asked me, I, I, okay, I'm gonna paraphrase this Kimmel because you didn't see it.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  He talked about, I told him that I personally should have, be responsible for all his weight loss. That I am the reason he lost weight and I, I believe that. I actually fully believe that.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  You told him that?

• 8:30Speaker 00

  I told him that and, and he agreed. And he knows, he knows that I'm not inaccurate. I'm off. He did a lot of hard work. He had trainers, he ate right, disciplined, yada, yada, yada. But if we had, if you, we came in that one day and we needed content for Two Bears. You had run a 5K with your buddy, I think that has cancer or something, right?

• 8:52Speaker 01

  Down in Florida.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. And you were like, it was fun. That's all you said.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  And you're like, now I understand why you do those things. And then we're like, what are we talking about? And I was like, I don't know. And you're like, when's this episode drop? They said New Year's Day. I said, we'll talk about New Year's resolutions. And we said, we should throw a 5K by May. That's it casually. Casually, we came up with that idea on the thing. We called, it was great content because we called everyone. Jelly saw that and went on the Nelk Boys. By the way, I gotta put in a pin in here, any, don't let me forget, uh, Kyle from the Nelk Boys. It's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Just Kyle. So I say that, he goes on Nelk Boys, he goes, I'm gonna do the 5K. Now, I think he's responsible technically for the success of 5K. Cause he says on the Nelk Boys, goes into People Magazine, all of a sudden Netflix wants to buy it. All of a sudden we're having a huge 5K. Next you know, we're in Tampa with 10,000 people.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Next year, we're doing another one, guys. We haven't, we haven't announced it yet. We have another 5K coming out. It's gonna happen beginning of April. It's gonna be fucking bigger than you've ever could imagine, but that 5K changed his life. And I casually said to him, I remember the moment where me, you, Leanne and Bunny. And then I realized they had gotten divorced. And I said, you're, you know, you're, and I kind of stumbled, I think. And I was like, your ex, you know what I mean? And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, and then I, and I don't, you know how you just talk? And I go, everyone's getting fucking divorced. And he goes, yeah. And I think he was gonna go, Tom. And I said, I go, man, it's like everyone's buying new cars and I'm still driving around in a beater.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Leanne is in the green room with Georgia.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  I can hear her gasping from the green room. And I, but I'm like, but it gets a laugh. So I'm like, I go, and he goes, Leanne's not a beater. And I go, well, she's not a new car. I was like, you know, doesn't have the new car smell like it's not like I, it's like a 92 Mercedes. It's a good car. It's dependable. It starts, but it doesn't turn heads at valet anymore. And, and then I realized I can like literally hear everyone laughing backstage because it's through the tunnel. And it's because Leanne's in the back and I'm like, okay, I love my wife. I whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so that, that's how I ended up talking about you and, and, and Leanne. But, but he was, he was totally fine. And then we talked about something I do want to talk to you about. I talked about it on Kimmel.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  I do want to talk to you about it, but we'll get into a second, but, but.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  You're going to remember what it is?

• 11:15Speaker 00

  A hundred percent. I'm a hundred percent. So, but yeah, but, and so I don't think it was affecting Jelly personally, the stuff that he said about the president. But I think what was affecting him is the stuff that he didn't say at the Grammys. You know?

• 11:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Everyone wants to be, everyone wants you to take a side and they want it to be their side.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Yes, that's right. And then they go, oh, I like you because you took my side or I fucking hate you because you didn't take my side.

• 11:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. And people go.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  It's that simple.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  I'm certain there's people right now going, well, we've heard Tom's side. What about Burt's side? And then I go, I don't talk about anything because Tom, you were with me when I found out we were at war with Iraq.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Iraq?

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Iran, Iran, Iran, we're with Iran. Iran.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  I was with you when you felt, yes.

• 11:59Speaker 00

  When we were at McDill and they're like, yeah, we're at war.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  I was with you when you discovered you were 52. I was with you.

• 12:06Speaker 00

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  And I'd like to thank BlueChew for sponsoring this podcast and the bedroom. So I was having a conversation with my dad the other day and he said to me, buddy, there's three things I'm glad I got you to do. Number one, buy a house. Number two, get a cardiologist. Number three, get life insurance. Now I haven't had to use the last one. Thank God, but one day I will. And I'm so glad my dad got me to get it when I did. I can get it at a good rate. So I was 32 years old, I think. Here's the deal. If you don't have life insurance, you need life insurance. Ethos makes getting life insurance fast, easy and a hundred percent online. You get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes and you can get same day coverage. There's no medical exam. You just answer a few simple health questions. Let me tell you something. That's a game changer, guys.

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  If you're ready to hear cha-ching on your first sale today, head over to Shopify.com/bears to start your free trial today. That's right. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/bears. That's Shopify.com/bears. Yeah, I mean, I don't think I talk about politics really much either, to be honest.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm not even particularly interested in being politically, you know, involved in like throwing out opinions on there. I just feel like, you know, what I said in this episode is like pretty straightforward observational stuff, man.

• 16:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Like calling the president a pig is funny and, you know. A fat pig. And, um, and it's not, it's not in the grand scheme of things, one of the crazier things you could say, like it's not that crazy.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  It's not one of the craziest things the president said.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  No, yeah, he says such wild shit.

• 16:28Speaker 00

  I think he called Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig, didn't he?

• 16:31Speaker 01

  He's called her a pig before, yes. He's called her a pig. He's also, I mean, every week he says stuff that would take down anybody else in politics. Anybody else.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  Crazy.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  It would be a career ender and it's just like, we're used to him.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  Isn't it insane that Billy Bush, Billy Bush?

• 16:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  He got, he, he faced peril for what Trump said. All he did was. Near him.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  It's so, I'll say this, whatever you think about, um, Trump and what he said, you know, that like 99% of people, even people who disagree with him at that point would have been like, huh, yeah, yeah, man. Like no one goes like that. Don't speak like that. People do that around famous people, you know, athletes. If they're saying wild shit, you just go like, yeah, man, for sure. They don't, you don't spend your time going like, you know, that's, um, not really appropriate to say that. I hope you're not actually doing what you're saying. No one does that.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  It's funny to see like, cause there were rules to old cancel culture that people still try to apply. They're like, it's almost like watching, it's almost like watching a hot chick that's older, like a 60 year old hot chick who's aged out. Like, no, no, no, no, no. Like a regular hot chick.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  Oh, regular, yeah.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  That now 60 and she's kind of fallen off.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that's not Salma. Yeah, yeah.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  No, no, no. And sit at the bar and try to get the bartender's attention. Something that was so easy for her at 21 is now impossible. And she's confused, like, why isn't this working? And like, I thought, I, I think of that when I think that they tried to cancel, they tried to go after Mel Gibson for making fun of a sign language interpreter. Did you see that?

• 18:18Speaker 01

  No, recently? Oh, I have to see that. Please pull that up.

• 18:23Speaker 00

  Mel Gibson. And I was like, and I, I was doing a radio run for the Permission to Party Tour. So I was calling the radio phoners and they're like, what did you think about Mel Gibson? Isn't it crazy? And I was like, are you familiar with his work? I go, is it worse than the voicemail he left his ex-wife?

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Dude, those were amazing.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  I mean, he is the greatest at that. Like at the, at the, hey, ah, my bad dog.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  So he's right here. I see, can you hit that clip?

• 18:59Speaker 02

  Winning a legendary man himself, Mr. Mel Gibson.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  That's it?

• 19:05Speaker 00

  That's it. That's it.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  And that's what he did?

• 19:08Speaker 00

  And old school cancel culture came after him like, like, can you believe that?

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's not that crazy.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  It's not that bad.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  No, not definitely not. And if you take his body of work, that's definitely not that bad.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  I bet he didn't lose a wink.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  For sure.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  I bet he was like, oh.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  What's his apology? It says he, if you go back to.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  I think it was all in caps, like he was shouting, I'm sorry.

• 19:38Speaker 01

  He's apologizing for hand gestures. Mel tells, sometimes when you get pushed on stage, your mind is all over the place. Sometimes spontaneous, thoughtless idiocy is displaced. I mean, that's actually true when you're.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  You sometimes walk out and you just do something that you're like, whatever. I just was, you're kind of nervous, you know?

• 19:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's wow. And then is there more than that? He had to like say something? He, oh yeah, scroll down.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  He adds, there was no intended maliciousness attached. I certainly apologized to anyone who was upset by it. I mean, literally, almost everyone at some point in their life has seen someone doing sign language and gone like,

• 20:19Speaker 01

  like, you know, that's a, it's all, it's juvenile, but like, yeah. On the scale of like Jews are responsible for all wars. And like this, like, come on.

• 20:35Speaker 00

  If you're offended, I hope you get raped by a packa.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  What's the last part?

• 20:42Speaker 00

  I don't, any, what was it?

• 20:46Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  That was, uh, but I think it's kind of funny. Like when you see like, well, it's, you know, it's interesting because I think any actual.

• 20:58Speaker 00

  I'm trying to think of the right way to say this because anyone dealing with real shit.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  Like with something real in their life.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:07Speaker 00

  Sees this and is like, huh?

• 21:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  And then people who, you know, this is a great transition, Tom. This is a great transition.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  So.

• 21:22Speaker 00

  Cancel culture, for lack of a better word, you know, what people coming after Jelly for saying the president was a fat pig or Mel Gibson for hand jiving behind a sign language guy.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:33Speaker 00

  Their outrage is identical to a panic attack.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 21:38Speaker 00

  Meaning it's very real to them. Their outrage is real to them.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  True. That's true.

• 21:44Speaker 00

  But to a rational person, they look like a fucking lunatic.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, you look irrational for sure.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  So like when you have a panic attack, and I talked about this on, on Kimmel, on Gel, with Jelly. When you have a panic attack, it is very real to you, but it's not real. Uh, to everyone else, it's actually comical. It's actually comical. Like the thing that makes you literally think I will, I cannot live in this world right now. I need to get out of my skin. This is making me crazy. When you tell someone, are you feeling earthquakes, by the way?

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Am I?

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. Mm hmm. Okay. If, by the way, if an earthquake happens, I called it.

• 22:31Speaker 00

  So, um, so I, I, so I'm going to back in to my panic attacks.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 22:38Speaker 00

  I've been having panic attacks pretty, pretty regularly and pretty aggressively, like, like, uh, really bad, like beyond that. And I would love to talk about this on stage. I don't think it'll ever make it to the stage. I, so I'm going to talk about it here. I brought it up to Derek Trucks and he thought it was the funniest thing he's ever heard. And I talked about it to Jelly and, and people reached out and they, people with panic attacks understood me. People without panic attacks think I'm a lunatic, but I want to talk to you about this. Let's start here.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  As a child, what was your bedtime routine? Like, how did you go to bed? Like, did your dad walk you to bed, read you a book, tuck you in, and then go kiss you on the forehead?

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean.

• 23:22Speaker 01

  There was variation and I feel like, uh, in the parent, but I usually said goodnight to both parents. And I feel like, cause I mean, obviously that ends as a pretty young child, you know, like.

• 23:36Speaker 00

  What, what age does that end? I mean, walk me through all this because I'll be, I'll be transparent.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  My, my house was every man for himself, my whole childhood. No, no one said goodnight to anyone. Everyone just went their own ways. And often I was left up at two in the morning, watching David Letterman as, at like nine years old.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Really?

• 23:56Speaker 00

  A hundred percent. And that's why I have panic attacks. I found that out in therapy. But I want, but I'm curious about, I want to talk about your actual nighttime and go from ages like, as you can remember, to when you started doing it on your own. And then I want to talk about how you put your kids to bed. And I want the listeners to think about their own, cause I, I wonder if it's generational.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:20Speaker 00

  But like, you, you're bet, like your parents had a set bedtime for you.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, uh, at a young age, I don't remember the time. I don't remember the time, but I do remember getting, um, tucked in. And you know, my mom's very Catholic, so there was always prayers at night. So we would always.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  We would always do prayers at night.

• 24:41Speaker 00

  This makes so much sense.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. So she would pray, say like these, uh, routine nighttime prayers that were always the same prayers at night. And then she would do like the sign of the cross on you to go to bed. And then.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  Like the Mexican women that send their husbands to work?

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Like that. Yes.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  Hold on. And she would do the. Child and your mom would come in.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  And be like, what Tommy?

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Tommy, yeah.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Tommy.

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. Dios mio, Dios mio.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, basically.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  Eh madre, papa.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Yes. And you'd have to say this prayer, then she would do a.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  Yes. And then when I would leave for school, I would get another prayer, um, leaving the, the house to go to school.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  Hold, hold on one second.

• 25:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  You're not fucking with me.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  No.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  Do you know that's one of my favorite things online?

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Really?

• 25:35Speaker 00

  When Mexican women wake up, any woman that is a little trad and wakes up early to make her husband fucking breakfast or lunch. Or, and the Mexican women are the best. They make the best fucking lunches and they get up early, they make lunch. And then they, as they, they do the sign of the cross on him before he walks out of the door.

• 25:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:54Speaker 00

  I fucking love that. And you had that as a child?

• 25:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 25:59Speaker 00

  That's why you don't have panic attacks because your mom loved you and get, and said, the Lord loves you. The Lord's watching over you. Have a great day.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Yes, there was a lot, there's, dude, there's so much prayer. Um, there was, there's prayer before every meal. There's prayer in the mornings. There was prayer in a car ride over 10 minutes. We would pray the rosary, the full rosary.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Are you being serious?

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, so much prayer.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  And then, so what I'm trying to, like, I remember that with her very well. And that's, I feel like that they stopped probably, or she would ever stop doing that of like coming in, put you to bed like that. I feel like that's probably around middle school, you know? I'm trying, I don't remember the exact age. Um, also like.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  I'm thinking, I'm thinking like seventh grade.

• 26:49Speaker 01

  I think that's, yeah.

• 26:50Speaker 00

  Grade, seventh grade.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Six, seventh grade, you're like, I'm probably going to jerk off if you don't mind, you know?

• 26:53Speaker 00

  That's what, that's the, the moment you want autonomy is when you start playing with yourself.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Puberty is like in full effect. You start going like, uh, why don't you not come in?

• 27:04Speaker 00

  I'm praying by myself, Bob.

• 27:05Speaker 01

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• 29:27Speaker 01

  Um, so that, that I remember, you know, she would wake me up. I remember that waking me up in high school even. I remember that.

• 29:38Speaker 00

  She'd wake you up for school?

• 29:39Speaker 01

  Yes, I remember that because I was always trying to not wake up. So she would be like, come on, you gotta get up.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Let me, I want to hear exactly how you got woken up in the morning. And then I'll share mine.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  Well, she would come in. Also, I'm colorblind, so I would always have like, I'd be like, can you pick something out of there for me? And I would try to get five more minutes. I would, and then I would, she would pull something out.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  You were using your disability?

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was using my disability to get more sleep. And then, um, you know, she, it was a game. She knew that I was just trying to sleep.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Colorblind, she'd walk in and you'd go, mom or Tupac? Who is that?

• 30:16Speaker 01

  Who is that? I don't even, I can't tell. Then, um, no, it was like, it wasn't like how like, like wake up, but it wasn't like, good morning, my angel. It was just like.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  Give me, give me an exact impression. My dad's gonna love this.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  I think it would be like, Tommy, Tomsito, it's time to wake up for school. Like from the, and I'd go, eh, I'd like make a noise. And then.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  Do you wanna hear how, do you wanna hear how we got woken up?

• 30:47Speaker 01

  The three of you?

• 30:48Speaker 00

  My, my, my house.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  My dad would stand at the top of our stairs, right? So our, our old house, it was, you'd go upstairs and there was no real landing. It was just like a hallway. One hallway went to my, I mean, it was, it, you could go to my room, my sister's room or my parents' room, but it was all, there was a, like an, like a ledge that, you know, you walked into my parents' room. My dad would stand at his door and he'd go. Eh, it's time to get up, it's time to get up, it's time to get up in the morning.

• 31:25Speaker 00

  Eh, it's time to get up, it's time to get up, it's time to get up in the morning. That's how I woke up every fucking morning.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  And were you guys like, shut the fuck up?

• 31:35Speaker 00

  Oh, dude, I, and then I would go in. Uh, I have no idea. And then I'd go in and I'd shower in the dark, so I'd panic attacks. So I'd go in, I mean, I imagine if you wake up like that at fucking 10, you're like, god damn it.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 00

  And so I'd go and I'd shower in the dark. I'd, no lights. I'd shower in the dark.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  Uh, because the lights would panic me.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love showering.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  And then, and then, uh, and then I was very sleepy because I didn't go to bed until, I wouldn't go to bed until like three or four in the morning.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  How the fuck are you up till that time?

• 32:10Speaker 00

  Because I had panic attacks as a kid. I know everyone in my house, just, my dad would go to bed at like seven o'clock. Cause he'd go out, my dad ran marathons. So he'd come home from work at like 5:30, at six o'clock, he'd go for a 10 mile run. He'd come home at seven o'clock. He'd run 10 miles in an hour, I'm sure. My dad ran fast. He'd come home, he'd eat a chicken breast and broccoli or tuna in a, in a fucking inside of, no, he'd eat tuna in a, in a tomato. And then he'd go to bed. He'd go right to bed. He'd go, I'm going to bed. And he'd just go to bed. And my sister said to me yesterday, cause I, I talked to my sister, she goes, if you wanted to go to bed, you had to go to bed with dad. Like if you wanted to go to bed.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  And if you were, and then my mom would do whatever my mom did. She'd often just, just start watching TV on the couch and then fall asleep on the couch. And then you were just nine years old, sitting in a house, just going like, I guess I'll watch TV. And then I'd watch Letterman ended.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  Neither, like your mother wouldn't be like, sweetie, it's time to go to bed. You have school in the morning?

• 33:12Speaker 00

  No, I.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Why?

• 33:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's crazy, right?

• 33:19Speaker 00

  It's fucking insane. Can I tell you what's even wilder? Is they tried to do, get Leanne to do that. They were like, what the fuck are you putting them to bed to get for at 7:30? What are you guys Mormons? They're like, get, let them stay up with us. We're gonna go out to dinner. We're not gonna get a dinner reservation until eight o'clock. We're gonna go out to dinner at eight. Let them go to bed at 10 o'clock tonight. And Leanne was very strict with bedtimes. Leanne, and that's why our girls are normal human beings, is because they went to bed at 7:30 every night. We walked them in, we read a book to them, I kissed them both on the forehead four times and we put them to bed. And then if they got up, Leanne would walk them back in the room and put them to bed at 7:30, like fucking clockwork.

• 34:04Speaker 00

  Now, how do your five nannies put your kids to bed?

• 34:08Speaker 01

  No, I, I put them to bed at the same time too, but it's 8:30. Uh, but it's, it's later now because they're a little bit older, but it was earlier. Um, but it's pretty much like you have the routine of like, the main thing is with those little dudes, is you just gotta get them in there, right? So you first are like, come on, we gotta get like in PJs. Like they have a evening shower. So they shower, they get into PJs, they have a little time to like play, mess around, and then it's like, all right, go brush your teeth.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  Never, never, I never, I, to this day.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  I've never brushed my teeth at night. Unless I'm, if I'm getting pussy, I will, but.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  What?

• 34:48Speaker 00

  I've never, I've, I brush my teeth if I do, one time. And it's like usually, like in the morning.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  Are you, and you're okay dentally?

• 34:58Speaker 00

  Well, well, well.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  Have you told a dentist this? Are you like, I brush my teeth in the mornings only?

• 35:05Speaker 00

  Well, you know, I have a lot of, uh, I have a ton of dental problems.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:10Speaker 00

  It's all from trauma. It's all from getting hit in the mouth with a baseball bat.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  What about like post dinner? You don't wanna post dinner cleansing?

• 35:15Speaker 00

  I floss, I floss probably 15 times a day.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  So flossing is the important one, for real. So like, that's what the dentist say is like, I'd much rather you floss than brush. I floss.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  I've never heard a dentist go, just pick one, but.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, a lot of dentists say, if you're gonna do one, just do flossing.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  If you're gonna do one.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  A lot of dentists.

• 35:36Speaker 01

  A lot. Okay.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  Almost every dentist says, I'd rather you floss. As a matter of fact, don't brush.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Wait, why? But why not brush though?

• 35:43Speaker 00

  I just, I have a, I have a problem with toothpaste. Like it just, it throws me off.

• 35:48Speaker 01

  Like a tactile issue?

• 35:49Speaker 00

  Tactile issue. I, I, there was a period where I was brushing with soap. And, uh, and then I was brushing with hydrogen peroxide for a while.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  I just, the taste bothers me.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. So the boys brush.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  That's by the way, shout out to, is it Nubs? They were a podcast sponsor once and they had a great brand. It was these little pills that you'd chew on. And I could get behind that.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  Okay. But you still do a morning brush?

• 36:15Speaker 00

  Every now and then. I didn't today. I didn't today, but I did, I did an evening brush last night randomly. So I had some weird shit in my mouth.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  So I, um, yeah, I, I, I make my boys brush and then we get in bed and then they're like, can we just talk for a minute, man? So they wanna hear, they like stories. Yeah. So they're like, let's tell stories. So we talk about the day or a lot of times they're like, will you tell us about a time you got in trouble in school? Like, sure. And then they'll wanna talk, they're like, I wanna hear, uh, they'll request a certain type of story. And then of course they go like, you go, all right, now it's time for bed. And you know, there's always a battle. But then they go to bed. They go to bed. Usually it's like, you try to get them asleep asleep before nine.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Have they ever come into your room in the middle of the night and be like, yo, I'm freaking out?

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Okay, good.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  Of course. So many times.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then you fucking walk them back and then you give up. And you're like, just get in there. Fucking go to sleep. Yeah.

• 37:18Speaker 00

  Do you ever let them sleep in your bed?

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure. For sure. Yeah.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  That was a big no-no in our house.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Well, it's probably a good thing to like, no, know it a lot. Um, but yeah, no, it happens and, but they're, you know, they're pretty good, man. Like they will. This is what you learn, I think, about kids is they'll, they'll take as much as they can get. So if you shut things down, eventually kids kind of adapt to whatever those boundaries are. But if you give them.

• 37:47Speaker 00

  I was just with them. They're great. They are great fucking kids. How old are they? Four and six?

• 37:53Speaker 01

  10 and 8.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  10 and 8? Wow.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:56Speaker 00

  That happens fast.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  I just saw them like at Christmas.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  That was 10, that's 10 and 8? That's what 10 and 8 look like?

• 38:03Speaker 01

  Well, no, at that time, well, at that time it was just turned 10 and 7.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I thought.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, but now.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  Looked a lot like four and six.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good.

• 38:15Speaker 00

  I mean, I'm so bad at details. There was a guy that I did a, I did a great show, Steve Fury and Willie, uh, what's Willie's name? I did a great show. Can you edit that out? I did a great show, Steve.

• 38:27Speaker 00

  Just leave it in. I did a great show. Steve Fury and Willie Simon have a great show that they do over at Friday Beers.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  And this guy, I think he might own Friday Beers. He came up, his name's Willie too, and he had, he presented his case that he was in a bad picture and he showed the picture and I saw the picture and I was like, wow, you look horrible in that picture. And then he put it wide. I was in the picture too. And he was like, don't you remember meeting me? I have zero recollection of meeting him.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:57Speaker 00

  I do, but I do remember meeting a guy with a very big mustache and I thought that's who he was talking about, but it was not. I, I, I'm living in a world of Burt.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, that make, that all adds up. Wait, was the panic attacks thing what you wanted to talk about from the show, by the way?

• 39:15Speaker 00

  Yes, yes.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  So I had, so, so my girls had, it's called sleep anxiety.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  They were anxious about it?

• 39:25Speaker 00

  We, we, very anxious. Like, my girls had it when they were young and Leanne took them to a therapist and the therapist taught them ways to cope with sleep anxiety. Christian, who works at my office, he has sleep anxiety. I'm sure there's people listening that have sleep anxiety. And if you, and if you don't know what that is, it's when you go to bed and you can't shut your brain off and your brain starts talking crazy to you. Now, to deal with my sleep anxiety, for a very long time, I would take a beer to bed with me and right before I went to bed, I'd murder a beer so that I had a beer inside me processing as I fell asleep. And that was how I went to bed. Leanne brought that up in therapy the other day. She was like, when I first started dating him, he would take a beer down to bed, two beers. I'd put one on the side and then I'd murder one and

• 40:08Speaker 00

  then I'd have one in case I needed it to go to bed. Every night, every, every, I,

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:16Speaker 00

  I don't think I didn't bring a cocktail to bed with me up until probably, I mean, honestly, like 50 years old.

• 40:24Speaker 01

  Dude, I, I, I think a lot of your anxiety and everything is rooted in this lack of any bedtime structure. I really think that has a huge effect.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  That is what we're finding out right now because I slept really good. I was sober for like six months, seven months, and I slept really good, really good. Every night, I'd actually brag to people how good I slept.

• 40:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  And then all of a sudden anxiety started showing up. I had, I went to bed and I woke Leanne up and I was like, I'm, and I was shaking, I was shaking and I was sweating and I was, I was, it was like a real panic attack. Wasn't like, oh, I feel uncomfortable. It was like physical. And she's like, holy shit, what's going on? She's like, take Xanax. And I was like, I can't. It's bad. She brought me outside. I put a blanket around me. I walked in the front yard and she had me point out things that were real. She'd be like, what's, it's not real. Remember, it's not real. You're not dying. And I was like, I'm, I'm broken. My brain's broken. Like, I think I'm crazy. I can't get back to reality. I'm, I'm fucking dying right now. And I couldn't tell her what it was because I knew the second I told

• 41:34Speaker 00

  her, she was gonna make fun of me. And not, and I, in perpetuity, I knew, not in the moment, but I knew she was gonna find it ridiculous.

• 41:42Speaker 01

  What, the root of it?

• 41:43Speaker 00

  The root of what gave me this anxiety attack.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  And the root was, I forgot how to yawn.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  And that thought was in your head?

• 41:53Speaker 00

  Paralyzing. Paralyzing.

• 41:56Speaker 01

  Because in the moment, what, were you trying to yawn or something?

• 41:59Speaker 00

  Well, the day before I had hung out with this guy who I would call my best friend and casually he said to me, do you know how much you yawn? And I said, what? And my quote unquote best friend said, you yawn a lot. And I went, really? I never really noticed it. And that night I went to bed, the next day after I'd been in Tampa with this guy.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  And I went to bed and I started to yawn and I went, that's so funny. My friend said I yawn a lot. I didn't even notice it. And as I went to yawn, I stopped and I went, oh,

• 42:35Speaker 00

  I was like, wait, why didn't I yawn? I've been yawning all the time, apparently. And then I went to yawn again and I went, hi, hi. And then I was like, what the fuck, man? And then I was like, wait, it's like a sneeze that won't come.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  I, I can't yawn. What?

• 42:52Speaker 01

  This made you crazy anxious?

• 42:54Speaker 00

  I started, I could feel it in my, in my jaw. I could feel it in the front of my head. It was like building up. A yawn was building up and I couldn't get it out. And then I went and I, and I just casually Googled. I was like, what happens if you don't yawn? And they're like, that's not a thing. It's a reflex. You can't stop a reflex. And I was like, oh my God. I fucked my reflexes up. So I go into the bathroom and I go, how to yawn? And it's like, open your mouth wide, look up and say the word leather. So I'm in the bathroom and I'm like, leather.

• 43:30Speaker 00

  And it's not happening. I'm starting to yawn and I'm like, ah, and I start losing my mind uncontrollably. I mean,

• 43:40Speaker 01

  Then you can't yawn.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  That I can't yawn. And I fucking start shaking uncontrollably. And I, I know that I can't say this to Leanne because she's gonna be like, what the fuck are you talking about? And by the way, the whole time she's with me as I'm having a panic attack, it's three in the morning, she's yawning nonstop. And I can't, I can't, and it's,

• 44:03Speaker 01

  How did you come down? How did you?

• 44:06Speaker 00

  Thirty-six hours. It was 36 hours.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  Of panic?

• 44:09Speaker 00

  Of panic.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  Jesus, dude.

• 44:12Speaker 00

  Thirty-six hours.

• 44:13Speaker 01

  Did you finally yawn or you just kinda like were able to relax?

• 44:17Speaker 00

  In couples therapy.

• 44:18Speaker 01

  That got you to relax?

• 44:20Speaker 00

  That's when I yawned.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  Oh, you yawned?

• 44:24Speaker 00

  She was telling a story in couples therapy.

• 44:26Speaker 01

  And it just naturally came out?

• 44:28Speaker 00

  I yawned. I just yawned. I knew that if I stopped thinking about it, I would yawn, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

• 44:36Speaker 01

  Did you share with her the yawn thing or did you?

• 44:39Speaker 00

  So I tell, I tell her that night, I tell her that night, we're out in the front, I'm naked and I'm in a blanket and I'm shaking. And she's like, what's, what's going on? You gotta tell me what's happening. And I said, I, I forgot how to yawn. And then she yawns. And she's like, what? And I was like, I forgot how to yawn. And then she was like, that's not a thing. And I was like, it, it is. I called my sister Cotty. Thank God Cotty has panic attacks because Cotty grew up in my house where no one went to sleep normal. So I called Cotty. Cotty was the best. She goes, I heard you had a panic attack. What's going on? And I said, yeah, I had a panic attack. She goes, what about? And I said, I don't wanna say. She goes, tell me, what was it about? I go, I forgot how to yawn. And she goes, well, at least your tongue fits in your mouth. I went, what? She goes, I had to go on Zoloft. It shows up every now and then. Like, I'll start thinking about

• 45:24Speaker 00

  it. I was like five days without a sneeze. And I was, I was tracking those. But it's, it's crazy that like, it's all, it all really lands at, and something I've stood against my entire life is structure.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  Oh, interesting.

• 45:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  That the structure is a, actually a, a good thing that you kind of fight against, but that you actually want and need.

• 45:51Speaker 00

  I think it's, I, I've lived in chaos. I enjoy chaos and I, but I don't think I enjoy it.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, the thing is, I think you think you enjoy it.

• 45:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:00Speaker 01

  But maybe you don't actually.

• 46:02Speaker 00

  I, I don't think I do. I, I don't think, I think you're forced to enjoy whatever the fuck. It's like the, like, uh, did you ever see those pornos where the guy kinda throat fucks the lady and she's like, and you're like, and then she's like, comes away and she's like, that was great. And you're like, I don't think she liked that. And then she's like, no, that's what I do. It's my thing. I, that lady and I have drool all over my jaw.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  It's a good analogy.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  I think that's how I am with chaos. I'm getting throat fucked by chaos and I'm just pretending I like it.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're,

• 46:34Speaker 00

  Put my head in the toilet and then tell me to, I'm a bad boy.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  You don't think you'd like that at all?

• 46:41Speaker 00

  No. But I could learn to like it.

• 46:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Well, you're right.

• 46:45Speaker 00

  Love show, if that's how love shows up.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  You're right. People will just embrace whatever they're given and you normalize it even if it's not good for you. And you go, yeah, this is what I do. This is what I am. This is who I am. And you kinda need somebody to show you a different way, different path. In this case, like structure to be like, doesn't this feel better? And you're like, kinda know because it's unfamiliar, but then you realize, oh, actually I do like this more.

• 47:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. And, and I bet that is happens with obese people.

• 47:21Speaker 00

  Is they're like, no, I like my body like this. And then someone's like, that's all you know is that body.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  The body positivity shit where you're like, okey dokey. Yeah.

• 47:32Speaker 00

  I mean,

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  Have your boys had an overnight yet?

• 47:37Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:38Speaker 00

  No. Well, that's fascinating.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:41Speaker 00

  So has anyone ever spent the night?

• 47:44Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:45Speaker 00

  And they've never spent the night?

• 47:46Speaker 01

  No. We've had like laid hangouts, you know?

• 47:50Speaker 00

  They're called sleep unders.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, the sleep under, exactly. We've had those where like kid comes over to hang out. It's a later night on a weekend or something or during a break. And then that kid will get picked up, you know?

• 48:02Speaker 00

  Wait, hold on. Is that normal? Cause like, I don't remember.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  I don't know. They're pretty, I mean, they're pretty young, man. They're pretty young, you know?

• 48:10Speaker 00

  What are they, four and six? Ten and eight?

• 48:11Speaker 01

  Four and six, yeah. Yeah, still ten and eight. And that's pretty young.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  I did, I was doing sleepovers at ten, definitely. But I would call my parents in the middle of the night because you go to someone else's house.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  The first time I did.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  And then you don't have any struck, what, go ahead.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  Well, I lived, so you know, my mom's sister and her husband, who was my dad's best friend, they lived at one point, two houses down from us. So my, my literal aunt and uncle are two houses down. So when I was like, um, probably six or like maybe seven, I, I, I was very close with, with their kids. They were in the same order as us. So I went to spend the night and I was like, I'm gonna do a sleepover. It's a big deal, right? You're like seven years old.

• 48:58Speaker 00

  It's a really big deal.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  You're like, I'm going to spend the night over there. But you feel very comfortable because it's family. Like, you know, it's not just like some kid's house. It's like, I viewed them as like my second parents.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:08Speaker 01

  Well, late night, I, I panicked. And I was like, I gotta go home, I wanna go home.

• 49:12Speaker 00

  There's no worse feeling than that in the world.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I walked, and I went, they walked me two houses down, back to my place. And I guess, I think my parents were doing it. It's black, blocked out of my memory. But, um, I was like, they said that I was like, how come you were like wrestling mom like that?

• 49:32Speaker 00

  Oh, cuz you're not in the house, so they're gonna fuck.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, they were gonna fuck. And I was just like, why are you guys wrestling?

• 49:39Speaker 01

  I don't remember that part at all, but I remember being walked back to the house. I remember being walked back and I was scared.

• 49:45Speaker 00

  I definitely did sleepovers before ten.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  Really?

• 49:50Speaker 00

  A hundred percent. Cuz I remember calling my parents and being like, three in the morning, like, yo, you gotta come get me. This is, this is wild. I'm in someone else's house, there's, everyone's asleep, they won't let me turn on the TV. I'm just sitting in a fucking dark room, thinking about coffee cakes.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  They were like, sure, man, we're coming to scoop you up.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  And my dad would show up, ring their fucking doorbell.

• 50:12Speaker 01

  Holy shit.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  And be like, and he'd, and in his underwear, probably. I mean, my dad, or running shorts, and he'd be like, I'm here to get Burt. And they'd be like, well, and I, I was like, already packed. I'm like, hey, sorry, Mr. Fagan, take care. Tell Mr. Fagan I said goodbye. Uh, Patrick, tell him I, when he wakes up in the morning, tell him I'm, I'm good. I'll talk to him tomorrow. I don't like Elvis. And I just fucking bounce.

• 50:35Speaker 00

  I mean, it was like, it was, you wanna talk about a walk of shame? Be fucking nine years old, eight years old, and be, and I have to, dude, I mean, there was no waking up. The panic I had of waking up another parent, a parent that is not mine, in their bedroom.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 50:52Speaker 00

  The closest I've come to it is when I tried to wake you up, when I couldn't find my wallet, when I spent the night at your house, and I couldn't wake you and push up. You guys slept like dead people. I couldn't, I was, I was shaking you and I was going, Tom, Tom, Christina. And it was like, I was like, do they have headsets in? Like, what the fuck? I woke up Julian, I was like, yo, can you help, get me get the keys to your dad's car? And he's like, I know where they are, give me a second.

• 51:17Speaker 01

  Wait, where was your wallet, in the car?

• 51:18Speaker 00

  It was in your car.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  I was losing my mind.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  Oh, Jesus. Yeah, waking up adults in bed is horrific. It's the worst. Dude, we mentioned her earlier, just wanna say this, that Salma Hayek turns sixty?

• 51:35Speaker 00

  What?

• 51:35Speaker 01

  And what a fucking gorgeous woman this is. Honestly, Salma Hayek, sixty years old? Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

• 51:49Speaker 00

  That middle picture. She's fucking incredible, dude. Find out the old age home she'll be going to and bathe her as an orderly. God damn it. How, what a fucking great job that would be. There's gotta be a few bangers in an old age home, right?

• 52:03Speaker 01

  Has to be, and they, apparently, there's a lot of fucking in old age homes, you know?

• 52:07Speaker 00

  Imagine, we roll in as orderlies at an old age home, we could clean up.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Clean up.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  If that's your thing.

• 52:15Speaker 01

  We salute you, Ms. Hayek, respectfully. What a fucking talent and a beautiful woman.

• 52:21Speaker 00

  I bet she doesn't wanna hear, I bet she doesn't wanna hear.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  Like, like, like, when people go, hey, Burt, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen in your, my entire life. You're my favorite comedian. I think by far, there's no one that holds a candle to you. They say that a lot.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  I'm kinda like, yeah, cool, thanks. But when someone says, hey dude, I love your shoulders, I'm like, oh. Like, there's certain compliments I get, that I go like, that's a fucking real one. Like, someone's like, dude, your hair looks cool. You're a lot taller than I thought. Whoa, you're in better shape, you're not as fat. Those are always my favorite.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:54Speaker 00

  So now, let's compliment Salma Hayek on the thing that she loves the compliment. When you, she hears that compliment, everyone always says you look amazing. She hears that every fucking day.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  You're a hundred percent right.

• 53:07Speaker 00

  I know.

• 53:08Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Guys, in the comments, compliment Salma Hayek on what she never hears. I'll start, you ready?

• 53:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 53:16Speaker 00

  You speak such good English.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  That's great.

• 53:21Speaker 00

  It sounds almost like you grew up here.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  I bet she loves hearing that. Go ahead, Tom.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Your choices as an actress are inspiring.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  Oh, wow, wow, good one, good one, I'll go again. You still have great tits.

• 53:40Speaker 00

  Go ahead, your turn, Tom.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  I think you, yep.

• 53:43Speaker 00

  I mean, she still has, for sixty, those are incredible. Her declatage is fucking flawless.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:50Speaker 00

  Her declatage is fucking flawless.

• 53:54Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 53:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, her face looks great, that, that's awesome. It's always looked great.

• 53:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, your skin tone is immaculate.

• 54:04Speaker 00

  Are her teeth real? I bet they are.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  You have great teeth, Ms. Hayek.

• 54:10Speaker 00

  I bet you could bite through a branch.

• 54:15Speaker 01

  You're a great ambassador of Mexicans.

• 54:18Speaker 00

  She's Mexican?

• 54:21Speaker 00

  She's Mexican?

• 54:22Speaker 01

  What'd you think she was?

• 54:23Speaker 00

  I thought she was like Colombian.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  No, she's Mexican, man.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  No way.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  Salma Hayek?

• 54:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:32Speaker 00

  She might be the hottest Mexican ever.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  With, uh, I think Lebanese descent, right? Isn't she like Lebanese?

• 54:38Speaker 00

  That tracks, that tracks.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  There's a lot of Lebanese in, in Latin America.

• 54:43Speaker 00

  It's a lot of like.

• 54:44Speaker 01

  We, we looked that up, I think that's correct.

• 54:46Speaker 00

  She's got a lot of spice trade in her.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, she has, yes. She was born in Cuazaco, Cuazaco, La Cual, Veracruz.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where was she born? In this make believe town?

• 55:01Speaker 01

  Cuazacuacos, Cuazacuacos, Veracruz, Mexico, wait.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  Cuazacuacos? Okay.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  Cuazacuacos.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  Okay, you ready? This is my impression of me bumping into Salma Hayek, okay? You ready? Oh, oh, hey, wait, are you from Cuazacuacos? Veracruz, Mexico? I went to school there.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  I went to school there? That's good. I think that would probably.

• 55:27Speaker 00

  Do you think she has a sense of humor and she's finding any of this funny? Or do you think she's absolutely offended? There we go.

• 55:31Speaker 01

  No, I think she has a great sense.

• 55:33Speaker 00

  This is my compliment.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  There you go. You have a great sense of humor, I've seen you be very funny.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  God, she's so hot.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  You just, I thought we were supposed to.

• 55:45Speaker 00

  I know, I know, but it's like so overwhelming. It's so overwhelming. It's like, like, look at Tom Hardy. Did you listen to Cesar's Face's new album?

• 55:56Speaker 01

  I have not heard the album, no. No, I'm a huge Cesar Face fan, I will definitely check this out.

• 56:00Speaker 00

  I think you pronounce.

• 56:01Speaker 01

  Hardy's on it, right?

• 56:02Speaker 00

  Tom Hardy plays Frankie Pulitzer.

• 56:06Speaker 01

  Plays?

• 56:07Speaker 00

  That's his name, stage name.

• 56:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:09Speaker 00

  Now, we did this last week. I'm gonna have to say, Tom Hardy is the real one. Like, he's the real one. Like, he is the man. I don't know if, I, I, like, I, I don't think there's like a separation of church and state. Which, by the way, another thing I learned in therapy, Tom, I don't like people that shape shift. That's why I don't like clowns. I don't like people that put on a different personality around different people. I like people that are fucking pretty much the same.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Consistent.

• 56:36Speaker 00

  And that is you, big guy. That's why I like you.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  Same, same, same.

• 56:41Speaker 00

  And so, um.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  But so does that mean that you don't like actors that are also like musicians and that they all, like, they have?

• 56:48Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, as long as you're consistent, I like you. That's why we went through that list of like Sam Elliott, those guys that hold consistency across the board, I trust them. I don't think they're fucking full of shit. When you meet an actor that is like, you're like, dude, you were great. And he's like, thank you so much. And you're like, wait, where's the man that you played in that role? And he goes, it's just a part. I, I don't trust that. And now it sounds like I'm homophobic, but, but, but that's what I like about Tom Hardy, is he's multifaceted. But I think he's the guy, I think he's the guy across the board. You know? I think there's very little bullshit. I think he's probably tough, and he's kind of badass.

• 57:29Speaker 00

  I think he's like, I don't think he overthinks things, I think he does things he likes. I don't like that he's sober.

• 57:36Speaker 01

  Hardy not just, didn't just like get into jujitsu, but he's entered competitions. Like, he's decided to like sign up and compete.

• 57:46Speaker 00

  Shot out to Jonah Hill.

• 57:49Speaker 01

  Also competes?

• 57:50Speaker 00

  Oh, Jonah Hill, he got a little flak for it, but he's like a purple belt or something.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  Really?

• 57:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so. He's, and he, he got flak for it, but he said to Jason Bateman, he would fuck Jason Bateman up. Now, I, that's a fight I would pay to watch, Smartless. Jonah Hill versus the three dudes on Smartless.

• 58:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 58:14Speaker 00

  You put, okay, here's the, here's the idea. You put a million dollars in a backpack on the guy from Will and Grace's back, right? Sean Hayes, Sean Hayes. Okay?

• 58:28Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 58:28Speaker 00

  You put them in a ring, you got Jason Bateman and Will Arnett, and they've gotta try to protect Jonah Hill, trying to get the backpack off, off Sean Hayes's back. And Jonah Hill just taps motherfuckers out, chokes them unconscious. He starts with Jason Bateman, right? Chokes Jason Bateman, that's him. He would destroy everyone with his jujitsu. Now, he got flak from it, but I think everyone in jujitsu is like, that's kinda typically what jujitsu guys say. When you, when you're new at jujitsu, when you've been doing it, like, when you're not a black belt, right? Like, when you're a purple belt, he's a purple belt? He got shit.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Purple belt is pretty advanced, bro.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  He's a white belt, he's a white belt, he's a white belt. I think Isla's a white belt, too.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  I love Brazilian jujitsu, I love, uh, except my body is, is begging me to not love it. Forty-two isn't, my, my wife is often like, you're not gonna become like a professional fighter, you know that, right? Like, you're a comedian, like.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  But let me ask you something. If we got into it.

• 59:27Speaker 04

  I would fuck you up.

• 59:28Speaker 01

  You'd fuck me up, it's true, right?

• 59:30Speaker 04

  And that's the best part, my favorite thing is people are like, oh, Jonah Hill, fucking fat guy from Superbad. And I'm like, I would fucking annihilate you, dude. I'm not kidding, dude. Try it, if you see me, try it, dude.

• 59:43Speaker 01

  Every fight ends up on the ground.

• 59:46Speaker 00

  Bring it. Who's got it?

• 59:47Speaker 04

  I will. Unless you are way bigger than me.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  I have like a.

• 59:51Speaker 04

  Fucking fuck around and find out.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  I mean, he's not, he's not wrong, dude.

• 59:55Speaker 00

  He's not wrong.

• 59:55Speaker 01

  First of all.

• 59:56Speaker 00

  He would fuck me up.

• 59:57Speaker 01

  When Bateman goes, if I, he's like, I'll fuck you up. He's right. He would fuck him up.

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, the kid from Silver Spoons? Yeah, he would fuck him up.

• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  And then he's like, try me. And then he said he qualified. He's like, unless you're way bigger than me. So he's letting you know that like, I can't beat everyone.

• 1:00:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 01

  But if you're like.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  Wrong. He got so much shit on the internet.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's not crazy, dude.

• 1:00:18Speaker 00

  But it's not crazy.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  If you're untrained and similar sized than him and he's been training, he definitely has a leg up on you, man. Like, if he knows what he's doing.

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  When I was 27, I don't know what he is. We'll find out what Jonah Hill is. When I was 27, I fought a 13 year old. Remember this?

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:00:37Speaker 00

  I fought a 13 year old who was like a white belt or a brown belt. It was a belt. I don't know what he was.

• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  And he beat the fuck out of me. He beat the fuck out of me.

• 1:00:47Speaker 01

  When you're 27?

• 1:00:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was for, it was with the Gracies. Henry Gracie set it up.

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:00:52Speaker 00

  And I just texted. He was 13 years old. His name was Jordan. He's now like a black belt. He's a badass. He competes and everything. He's a grown man now.

• 1:01:01Speaker 01

  And you were, you were rolling with him?

• 1:01:03Speaker 00

  I barely rolled. He beat me in like six seconds. He would tap me out in six seconds. The thing that I think is funny is, I think most jujitsu people are like, this is typical of what you say. And it tracks with the progression of jujitsu as you get to a certain place where you feel like a badass to the average person. And I don't think he's wrong. I'd love to hear Joe's opinion, but I don't think he's wrong. And by the way, Jonah Hill would fuck me up. I don't know what I'm doing. And I think they should put a million dollars on Sean Hayes' back. And then Will Arnett and Jason Bateman have to try to protect that a million dollars. And Jason and Jonah Hill just starts tapping motherfuckers out. I think it would be so, and then give the fucking million dollars to charity.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a, that's a lot of, lot of hoops to jump through for it, but I, I like where you're going with it.

• 1:01:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like, I'm ready to see it.

• 1:01:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  I, the thing you don't want to say is, if you see me, try me.

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  No, you don't want to do that.

• 1:01:58Speaker 00

  You don't want to do that, Jonah. You don't want, like, there's some, but, but the average, oh, he's a white, he's a white belt with black stripes.

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Well, I was just trying to see like, how long ago that is and.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 1:02:13Speaker 05

  According to everything public, he's a white belt.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  How does the progression of belts go?

• 1:02:19Speaker 00

  I think Isla's a white belt too. By the way, Isla, Isla fucking choked me out in Hawaii.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:02:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, she was like, I was talking shit and I was like, I will fuck you up, Isla. And she was like, she was like, buddy, if I get my arms around your neck, I will kill you. And I was like, you're not getting my, your arms around my neck. And she goes, oh yeah, I will. And then she went to the bathroom and I wasn't paying attention. And this is when I was zen-ing a lot and I was looking for my zen can. And she came up behind me and put her little needle arm around my neck and dude.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:51Speaker 00

  It was real. I just went.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  No, I have a, I have a few years.

• 1:02:56Speaker 00

  Your son could fuck me up. Do you remember he wanted to fight me?

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  I know. I have a few years left with him. Like, I'm just so much bigger than him, but it's, he'll definitely kill me in a few years. Yeah.

• 1:03:07Speaker 00

  That's a new two bears. Can we do me fighting your son?

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:03:11Speaker 00

  I'll fight Ellis in a cage. You know, he would fucking, you know that he would go dead serious?

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  Well, he's a, yeah, he, he, he, a different look comes over that kid's face, dude. He gets in like.

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  He would not let it go. When I, I said to him, I was, he was like, he was like, I do jujitsu. And I was like, cool. And he was like, would you want to fight me? Can I tap you out? Can I choke you?

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, he wanted to choke you at a restaurant.

• 1:03:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, at a restaurant. He's like, can I choke you out? And I was like, no, you can't choke me out. And he was like, see if I can. Do you think I can? And I was like, no, my daughter choked me out. And he was like, your daughter does jujitsu? Let me see a picture. I was like, I'm not going to show you a picture of my daughter. And he goes, can I fight your daughter? And I was like, no, you're not going to fight my daughter. And then in my head, I was like, it's gonna be great for two bears.

• 1:03:51Speaker 01

  That'd be so good.

• 1:03:52Speaker 00

  Isla versus fucking Ellis.

• 1:03:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, her against a 10 year old.

• 1:03:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, that'd be great, man.

• 1:03:59Speaker 00

  Let me, let me see. Is he a white belt? Let me call Isla and see if she'll fight him.

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  It's the place he goes, they have a little different structure for belts than, than this.

• 1:04:08Speaker 00

  Oh, they wear laces? They do laces?

• 1:04:09Speaker 01

  No, no, I guess this, it's maybe because they're kids. I think they go from white to gray, actually.

• 1:04:17Speaker 01

  But he's been, he's been doing really, really well in that, dude. He really loves it. He loves it. He loves the structure, I think. He loves the, the structure of class and yeah, it's been going really well, man. He loves it.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  A long time ago, Joe told me I should have taken jujitsu. He goes, I think you like the confrontation. I think it's good for you. I think the discipline would be good for you. He went through why I should do it. And I went to the class, to Eddie Bravo's, and Eddie Bravo had a black eye. And I was like, what happened to your eye? And he was like, huh? I said, you have a black eye? And he goes, I do? And I went, you didn't know you had a black eye? He goes, I guess I must have gotten a black eye. And I went, do you get black eyes from jujitsu? And he goes, I guess, sometimes. I was like, I'm on TV.

• 1:05:07Speaker 00

  He was like, maybe this isn't for you. I was like, it's absolutely not.

• 1:05:11Speaker 01

  Did you even do the class?

• 1:05:12Speaker 00

  I walked out.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  You walked?

• 1:05:14Speaker 00

  I never even took my jeans off.

• 1:05:15Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:05:16Speaker 00

  I swear to God.

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 1:05:19Speaker 00

  And by the way, you think, I just want to say this very clearly in defense of my man, the best comedic actor of our generation, Jonah Hill. You think Jonah Hill talked recklessly?

• 1:05:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:32Speaker 00

  If I had taken one jujitsu class.

• 1:05:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:37Speaker 00

  I would be walking around with my shirt off at bars, choking motherfuckers out.

• 1:05:41Speaker 01

  Oh, I know. You would be a, you'd be a real problem, dude.

• 1:05:43Speaker 00

  I would be a problem.

• 1:05:44Speaker 01

  Well, and then you would get knocked out by somebody too, because you'd be, you'd be inviting too much of that chaos. Somebody would come up and just punch you in the face, dude.

• 1:05:52Speaker 00

  I'd be wearing a shirt that said fuck around and find out.

• 1:05:55Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:05:56Speaker 00

  And it would be, it would be a string tank top.

• 1:05:59Speaker 01

  I just realized, one of my favorite things to do is I watch, um, I like to watch people get tased, you know? So I watch a lot of shootings too, but they're not like relaxing.

• 1:06:10Speaker 00

  Are you leading, are you leading into the fucking, where I think you're going?

• 1:06:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I, but I watch these all the time because it's, it's kind of like, most of the time you watch a tase video and there's justification for it. So it's like not somebody who's getting injured or messed with for no reason. They're usually, you know, they're usually fucking around. Non-compliant, causing a disturbance or whatever. And it's fun to watch the body lock up, seize, and then just get kind of, yeah, skid across.

• 1:06:40Speaker 00

  It's really great. It's, it really is, it really is fucking hysterical.

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  Thank God.

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  When you watch a guy go from, let me go by the, uh. It's almost like the perfect comedic transition.

• 1:06:52Speaker 01

  And it's like, you're, even though you're seeing body cam footage, which again, thank God for these body cams because they're so entertaining. You're usually watching someone who everyone's like, can you get this fucking asshole out of here? Like this guy's being such a dick and it's non-lethal. So you're not seeing somebody. Sometimes you see somebody all hopped up on PCP and those things don't work or for whatever reason, like. And then there was the, uh, uh, Times Square stabber, which is horrible because I didn't realize at first that she actually killed a lady. And I think she stabbed somebody else. And it's just the little oompa loompa looking fat lady.

• 1:07:33Speaker 01

  And she's, looks like she's got triplets, but she's just a little piggy and she is wielding her knife.

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  She's a fat pig.

• 1:07:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was a.

• 1:07:42Speaker 00

  With jellywood collar?

• 1:07:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so. And so, yeah, Pamela C. Narrows, I guess that's who it was, was able to fight off multiple. The, uh, taser deployments because the officers were unable to make solid contact with the waddling killer.

• 1:07:58Speaker 00

  They called her the waddling killer?

• 1:07:59Speaker 01

  The waddling killer. And I didn't realize at this point she had killed somebody. She doesn't look like your typical, what you think of a killer, right?

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  And by the way, her movements don't dictate killer. It looks like Rock'em Sock'em Robot. Like she's going like this. Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab.

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then they shot her. Look at the little tip, tip. She goes. With her little titties.

• 1:08:22Speaker 00

  It's such a crazy way to get stabbed.

• 1:08:24Speaker 01

  This is not good footage. I would get the footage without the censoring. They have, they have non-censored footage all over.

• 1:08:31Speaker 00

  They were tasing her throughout?

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  They were trying to taser. Yeah, you could see they, they have tasers out and they, they couldn't, they, it didn't do anything to her little chubby body. And so when she started to charge with the knives out, uh, one of the officers shot her at, at least once, maybe twice. In the abdomen and then she dropped the knives and fell. Looks like it says, the thicker the padding in front of the muscles padding. The more difficult it is for the taser to get to the muscles and be effective because it's actually making your muscles obviously like constrict. So if you're a big old fatty, um, I guess it, it's a, it's a good thing when you, when they're trying to tase you. But because she was unable to be tased, she's dead because they ended up shooting her. And I think, I guess she bled out all that fat poured out of her and she died.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  Can we please see her stabbing momentum? Like it's such a weird way to stab.

• 1:09:22Speaker 01

  It's so strange.

• 1:09:23Speaker 00

  It looks like, uh, Fred Flintstone dancing.

• 1:09:26Speaker 01

  She must have been in some manic psychotic state, right?

• 1:09:29Speaker 00

  Well, I, can I tell you like, not that, I, look, I've, I'm not saying that, I've always said the wrong thing. Whenever I hear the thing, I say the wrong thing. Like, like, you know, like, uh, like Ray Rice punches, punches his wife and I go, wait, what did she say to him? Like, not like, like she deserved it, but like what was, but you know, like I say the wrong thing.

• 1:09:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  But I, and I did that with this. I was like, what happened to her? Like, why did she, she doesn't look like she would ever get to this. Like this looks like crazy.

• 1:09:58Speaker 01

  Why is she fat or why did she?

• 1:10:00Speaker 00

  No, why did she get, what happened to her?

• 1:10:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:10:03Speaker 00

  That got her into stabby, stabby, stabby.

• 1:10:05Speaker 01

  That's crazy. Will you scroll down more? So.

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was deranged. Like, do we know? Okay, oh, here it says, okay. Says Narrows, who has long struggled with mental health, was holding up two knives after she had just attacked two people. Uh, the woman ignored the cops. Please to drop the knife. Yeah. There she is, right there. So she's

• 1:10:31Speaker 00

  That's the way the cops said it to her. The cops said it to her in her accent. Please to drop the knife.

• 1:10:36Speaker 01

  I have to fucking, oh no, here we go.

• 1:10:38Speaker 00

  Look at her.

• 1:10:40Speaker 00

  It's like she's not even holding knives.

• 1:10:42Speaker 01

  She does the wielding thing.

• 1:10:42Speaker 00

  Right?

• 1:10:43Speaker 01

  It looks like she's about to cast a spell.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  She's got her purse on side saddle.

• 1:10:47Speaker 01

  Yep. She's got a knife in each hand.

• 1:10:51Speaker 00

  But it's like

• 1:10:52Speaker 01

  And here comes the Harry Potter moment, like where she does the...

• 1:10:57Speaker 01

  I think you can, see, you can see the, those little, those are the taser sights on her, like the little lasers on her.

• 1:11:02Speaker 00

  What are those little tiny sized four feet?

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  I know. There you go, one, two. See, they're trying to do it, and it doesn't do anything. And then she's charging, charging.

• 1:11:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. And they shot her right in the, in the gut.

• 1:11:17Speaker 00

  I mean, I'm like

• 1:11:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:20Speaker 00

  Out of all the fucking police shootings I've seen.

• 1:11:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:24Speaker 00

  I, I understand they had to shoot her, but it's like, they also could have just stepped away. Like, it's like, like, what, where was she got, like, they could have tripped her, they could have, like, feel like they could have lassoed her. There's a lot they could do.

• 1:11:37Speaker 01

  I feel like if somebody would have tased her in the back, like the, you know, like the upper back.

• 1:11:42Speaker 00

  In the face.

• 1:11:43Speaker 01

  Face would have been great. Any of those would have been great, but

• 1:11:46Speaker 00

  I mean, just hit her with a billy club.

• 1:11:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:50Speaker 00

  Couldn't you knock her out? Like, I think, I think we should add that to the Jonah Hill Smartless fight.

• 1:11:56Speaker 01

  A club? Like a baton?

• 1:11:57Speaker 00

  We take, we take a woman like this, we get a same size, same thing. We, we tape knives to their hands, right? So she can't drop them. And then, and then we tie her feet together so she can't take big steps. She's gotta take baby steps. And she, and she can only stab like this, and she's gotta fight Jonah Hill. And Jonah Hill sees if he can defend himself.

• 1:12:17Speaker 01

  I think he would be fine.

• 1:12:19Speaker 00

  Do you think Jonah Hill's gonna find any of this funny? I do not think so.

• 1:12:23Speaker 01

  I mean, I don't know. Like, I think he, he might appreciate your million dollars for charity.

• 1:12:29Speaker 00

  All right. Also tell Jonah, if he wants to do it with me, put a million dollars on my back. See if you can get it off. We'll give it to my charity or his charity.

• 1:12:37Speaker 01

  And he can do jujitsu and you just try to defend yourself?

• 1:12:41Speaker 00

  And I get Ellis.

• 1:12:43Speaker 01

  To coach you?

• 1:12:44Speaker 00

  No, to, he's, he's fights for me.

• 1:12:46Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:12:47Speaker 00

  He, Ellis and Isla fight Jonah Hill.

• 1:12:50Speaker 01

  Oh, it's two on one?

• 1:12:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, you get smart, it's the Smartless fight. If we can't get Will Hayes to do it.

• 1:12:57Speaker 01

  This is a

• 1:12:58Speaker 00

  Sean Hannity.

• 1:13:00Speaker 01

  Sean Hannity?

• 1:13:01Speaker 00

  What the fucking smart, you know what I mean?

• 1:13:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:04Speaker 00

  The guy from the fucking open mic movie.

• 1:13:06Speaker 01

  Got it. Um, Will Arnett?

• 1:13:09Speaker 00

  That's it.

• 1:13:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. All right. Look, we gotta run. Thank you, guys, for watching. Thank you for listening.

• 1:13:15Speaker 00

  Next week, make sure that we're gonna talk a lot about the Iran war that we just found out we're in. We're gonna talk about the new guy that's going viral, Iranian David Goggins. Have you seen him?

• 1:13:26Speaker 01

  I have not seen him.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  He's like, who's gonna feed the camel?

• 1:13:30Speaker 01

  Okay, okay. All right. We'll see you then.