Pod Insights 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer Pimping Podcast Producers | 2 Bears, 1 Cave About this episode SPONSORS:
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The Winter Bears Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano return for another completely unhinged takeover of 2 Bears 1 Cave. With Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer nowhere to be found, the guys openly admit they once again didn’t prepare, and then immediately spiral into bread rankings, prostate exams, STD horror stories, religion, celebrity gossip, and the most deranged podcast business ideas ever pitched.
From focaccia-based trauma, to almost doing business with Jeffrey Epstein’s brother, this episode goes fully off the rails and never checks the map again.
Hit subscribe, brace yourself, and remember: this episode exists only because someone might need it someday.
https://www.instagram.com/stavvybaby2
https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/
2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 321
https://tomsegura.com/tour
https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour
https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/
https://www.stavvy.biz/
https://store.ymhstudios.com
Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:38 - Fat Boy Pastry Shop
00:07:42 - Just The Tip
00:11:53 - Sexually Transmitted Hilarity
00:25:13 - Family
00:31:15 - Third World Fun & Legendary Funbags
00:35:13 - Pimping Podcast Producers
00:43:42 - Doing Business With An Epstein
00:54:16 - Health Corner
01:01:52 - In Conclusion
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Transcript 13,959 words · 3 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Hundred percent.
0:05 Speaker 01 What's up everybody? Welcome back to another episode of Winter Bears. I am Chris Stefano. This is Stavi Baby. We are taking over for Tom and Bert. Once again, we did the Summer Bears. We are reluctantly, begrudgingly doing it. We're trying to get the show off the rails.
0:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm, no, no, I'm doing it with a smile on my face. I'm just not trying at all.
0:28 Speaker 01 Yes.
0:28 Speaker 02 And people didn't really think we were trying by the end of last time. This will be worse. This is worse. We have maybe four talking points. We didn't prepare. It's early.
0:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:38 Speaker 02 I haven't had anything to eat and then I had just more sugar. I'm literally crashing.
0:42 Speaker 01 Right.
0:43 Speaker 02 I might just have a, I might fall into a diabetic coma.
0:45 Speaker 01 Yes. The, the, the Jets are currently beating the Ravens seven to nothing in the moment right now.
0:50 Speaker 02 It's gonna be really funny when this comes out in like six months. They just have these in like a bank of like, if Bert has a heart attack, they'll put one of these out. You know what I mean? These aren't even anchored to any time. They're just like, whatever, man. We just need back, we, you never know when we need, we might need a substitute episode.
1:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, just, you know, Bert's been dead for a year. Leanne's just trying to get the money because she realized Bert screwed up the wheel.
1:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, they're trying to make it seem like, they're not trying to announce his death until they can backdate a really, a huge life insurance policy on Bert.
1:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, Bert's.
1:25 Speaker 02 Actually, for real, I would be shocked if YMH is not working on just AI podcasting. Where they can just plug the, all the stories Bert and Tom have told.
1:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:35 Speaker 02 They're not even gonna need us.
1:36 Speaker 01 You have no idea how low on the priority list.
1:39 Speaker 02 I respect that.
1:40 Speaker 01 This podcast is for Tom and Bert. I mean, literally Tom opened up a croissant shop. Called like Geo Bamba something, La La Bamba. It's like, means fat little boy in Italian. He said, I'd rather bake croissants. Then do the podcast.
1:57 Speaker 02 Something he has no expertise in.
1:58 Speaker 01 No, which is actually, I mean, they got, it's here, it's in Venice, it's in Austin, so go check it out, but it is one of those.
2:04 Speaker 02 When does this start? Does he, I'm sorry, he got, he lost weight and then got into pastries?
2:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
2:09 Speaker 02 That doesn't even make sense.
2:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know, it's, and here's another one, he lost weight without Ozempic, I believe.
2:14 Speaker 02 I don't know that that's true.
2:15 Speaker 01 That's true, maybe it's not, yeah.
2:16 Speaker 02 I don't think that's true.
2:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2:18 Speaker 02 He did, if he didn't do Ozempic, he like, he's on like, adrenochrome.
2:22 Speaker 01 Right.
2:23 Speaker 02 Like, Tom is on some shit that like, only rich people know about, for sure.
2:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
2:26 Speaker 02 He just has an IV attached to a baby, he's getting stem cells directly from a baby, it's actually going into a pregnant lady's fucking pussy, and he's just getting the stem cells. There's having a slow motion abortion into his bloodstream.
2:38 Speaker 01 Yeah. I mean, it is, it is fascinating how this podcast has just become, I mean, what, literally, he's like, I'll do anything else, and maybe Christina was like, what about opening up a croissant shop? Like, she did it as a bit, and he's like, you know what, done.
2:53 Speaker 02 He's like, let's do it.
2:54 Speaker 01 Yes, done.
2:55 Speaker 02 Just croissants, is that all they do?
2:56 Speaker 01 Uh.
2:56 Speaker 02 I'm interested in this.
2:57 Speaker 01 It's baked goods, it says right now they're at their Fairground Food Hall below the Wells Fargo Building, so if you guys are looking for, you know, a lot of, you know, I know you podcast fans are. They got killer focaccia, too. Oh, focaccia.
3:09 Speaker 02 I'm a big focaccia guy.
3:10 Speaker 01 Yes, if you guys are looking for a assassination attempt, you can want to go to the Wells Fargo Building and go to the Fairground Food Hall, and just look for the guy in the poor Osos merch, and the other guy that has no shirt on who looks like a croissant.
3:24 Speaker 02 I love, I love focaccia.
3:26 Speaker 01 Ah, it's the best.
3:26 Speaker 02 If I had to rank my breads, we're going focaccia's probably number one, and then a nice sourdough, a crusty sourdough.
3:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:33 Speaker 02 And then a country loaf.
3:34 Speaker 01 Dude, focaccia is number one, and I'll never forget, I was literally sitting at Shadowed O'Neil's Bar, once again, in Mass with Queens, I was sitting with all my boys, we're talking to my boy, I just banged like a 12.
3:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:44 Speaker 01 And he had banged, or the night before, we're all, you know, Sunday football.
3:47 Speaker 02 A 12-year-old.
3:48 Speaker 01 Yes, yes, yes, remember, this is Islam, so we've converted, so.
3:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, you're right, straight, you're Islamic, gay, you're Catholic.
3:57 Speaker 01 Exactly, now we're talking.
4:00 Speaker 02 That's the common ground.
4:01 Speaker 01 Yes.
4:01 Speaker 02 That Italians can come up with, with Muslims.
4:04 Speaker 01 But I remember that, you know, our friend comes in and he banged this hot chick.
4:07 Speaker 02 Actually, that's not fair, I believe Afghan warlords also had a bunch of bull.
4:12 Speaker 01 Yes.
4:12 Speaker 02 Wasn't that a big thing like, like, uh, troops would come back and they would have to like, they were talking about how weird it was that like everyone they were talking to.
4:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:20 Speaker 02 Had like boy, fuck slaves.
4:21 Speaker 01 And but don't forget about the OGs, your people, the Greeks, love the boys.
4:24 Speaker 02 We, you, what you needed to do to get to philosopher, when your brain is working overtime.
4:29 Speaker 01 Yes.
4:30 Speaker 02 You don't have time to go out and court a woman.
4:32 Speaker 01 No.
4:32 Speaker 02 You have to bring a pliant boy.
4:34 Speaker 01 No, no, Socrates said it. He said the way that he was able to get his thoughts was prepubescent cock.
4:40 Speaker 02 That's right. You would teach him a trigonometry and then suck him off. That was the Greek way.
4:45 Speaker 01 It's what it was.
4:46 Speaker 02 By the way, they, you really retain information.
4:48 Speaker 01 Hundred percent.
4:49 Speaker 02 If it's like, uh, memorize this equation and you'll get your dick sucked. I would have been pretty good at geometry.
4:55 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
4:56 Speaker 02 Even if it was from, I guess I wouldn't have loved if it was like a bald bearded guy.
5:00 Speaker 01 Right.
5:00 Speaker 02 I would have preferred to be a woman, but.
5:02 Speaker 01 Hey, whatever it is, it is. I mean, back in those days.
5:05 Speaker 02 School my kid with a sex worker.
5:06 Speaker 01 Hundred percent. I'm into it. And, and so this guy, uh, came in.
5:11 Speaker 02 You're in Massbeth.
5:12 Speaker 01 We're in Massbeth. We're at the bar drinking. He comes in, bangs his hot chick shit. You know, we, we saw it. It's better than before. It's great. And then he was like, yeah, dude, I was going down. And it goes, and then my boy was like, oh yeah, really? What her pussy tastes like? And he went, her pussy tasted like focaccia.
5:28 Speaker 02 She had a yeast infection?
5:29 Speaker 01 That's what I said. I was like, she should, you should probably go to the hospital, dude, because that is made with yeast.
5:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:36 Speaker 02 A little sprig of rosemary on her clit.
5:39 Speaker 01 Oh dude, but yes, a focaccia man, you know, I, I, I love, I, so I, I, I like Tom's ideas here of just bacon bread. And I, this is following a trend of comedians, our good friend Tom Papa gets into sourdough.
5:50 Speaker 02 Old, old, old school bread guy. In fact, I wonder if Tom's pissed that, that, I wonder if Papa's pissed that Tom's coming in on his bread corner.
5:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:59 Speaker 02 You know, he's gonna get a very polite shakedown.
6:02 Speaker 01 Well, it is, it is a good trend for us here as comedians because like a couple of years ago, the main thing to do was like you get, you know, successful in comedy and then you get into conspiracies.
6:10 Speaker 02 Right.
6:10 Speaker 01 And backing presidential candidates and all that stuff. At least now the, the big guys are just getting into bread.
6:15 Speaker 02 Bread.
6:16 Speaker 01 That's.
6:16 Speaker 02 Nothing wrong with bread.
6:17 Speaker 01 Just getting a little bread. It's healthy. It's not hurting anybody. Like, so I do appreciate. Um, starting a new trend for successful guys getting into bread.
6:25 Speaker 02 Getting it. Oh, yeah. Papa's right there. He's like, need bread?
6:28 Speaker 01 Yes, exactly. Yeah, Tom is doing anything he can to hold on to the, to the, to the bread corner of the comedy.
6:34 Speaker 02 I mean, I would be fucking pissed if I'm Papa.
6:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:37 Speaker 02 And Segura's like, he's already got a vodka brand. It's like, what do you, what do you, you know?
6:41 Speaker 01 Yeah. What else do you want?
6:42 Speaker 02 How much do you need, Tom?
6:43 Speaker 01 Yeah. It's like you have a Netflix show, you have arena tours. Now you gotta take my.
6:48 Speaker 02 You're taking sourdough from Tom Papa?
6:50 Speaker 01 It's like, hello, Tom Papa. It's like, dude, I'm doing a fricking serious show with Fortune Feimster. I'm, I'm trying to get that marriage ref money.
6:56 Speaker 02 That's right. That's right. That's right.
6:58 Speaker 01 And all I had, I was doing good, selling fricking bread.
7:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:01 Speaker 01 And now here you come.
7:02 Speaker 02 It's despicable, Tom. Come on, get off my boy Papa's corner. Well, you know, I'll save my focaccia.
7:08 Speaker 01 Well, how about this?
7:09 Speaker 02 There was a place in Baltimore did a cheesesteak on focaccia. Maroon.
7:13 Speaker 01 Mama mia.
7:14 Speaker 02 And you would let the juices fucking, dude, this is the fat math I would do. Like, you would, I would get the cheesesteak and I would let it sit like seven minutes. Just so the juices went into the focaccia.
7:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:25 Speaker 02 And it got, it got just absolutely saturated with cheesesteak juice, but it was to the point where it was still crispy. And if you ate it before it got soggy, it was like fucking alchemy, dude.
7:35 Speaker 01 Beautiful.
7:36 Speaker 02 It was, it was, oh, I could write a poem about that cheesesteak.
7:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, you're writing a haiku on a cheesesteak.
7:41 Speaker 02 I remember when I was 24, I was pissing all the time and I was like, well, I got diabetes. It finally happened. And instead of going to the doctor, I went to that cheesesteak place and ordered two focaccia, two focaccia cheesesteaks.
7:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:55 Speaker 02 And a fucking big ass thing of fries. And I was like, this is my final supper before I'm diagnosed with diabetes.
8:00 Speaker 01 Dude.
8:00 Speaker 02 And then I went and they were like, you don't have diabetes. I was like, really? And they're like, yeah, there's just something wrong with your fucking, something's wrong with my prostate.
8:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, they're like, you just have chlamydia.
8:09 Speaker 02 Well, dude, I had to go. So I went and there was like, something's off with my prostate. I don't know what. And they were like, the way we can figure this out is if, here's how they wanted to do it. This was insane. They put a tube up your ass.
8:23 Speaker 01 Okay.
8:23 Speaker 02 And they put a tube in your dick and they pump you full of water, of fluids to see where like, what can't retain the water. And I was like, you know what? I'll just, I'll just piss too mu- I'll just piss the rest of my life every 45 minutes. I don't need like a Jamaican lady shivering a tube up my dick hole. Cause they also shoved the tube up my dick hole once to see what happened. I was, I was knocked out for it, thank God. And they claimed there was a blockage in my cock, which doesn't. It doesn't make any sense to me.
8:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, what's in your cock?
8:53 Speaker 02 I don't know. I had a little block.
8:54 Speaker 01 It was a fakasha crumb?
8:56 Speaker 02 Well, I will admit, when I saw Road Trip, you remember Road Trip?
8:59 Speaker 01 Sure.
8:59 Speaker 02 Where Stifler is, it's not Stifler, it's a different character.
9:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, that guy, what is it, Sean?
9:04 Speaker 02 Uh...
9:05 Speaker 01 Patrick Austin?
9:06 Speaker 02 He's got three names, for sure.
9:07 Speaker 01 Something like that, he's a good dude.
9:08 Speaker 02 And he's a classic, and he's hilarious.
9:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:09 Speaker 02 But in that show...
9:10 Speaker 01 William Scott.
9:11 Speaker 02 Sean William Scott.
9:12 Speaker 01 That's what it is.
9:12 Speaker 02 In that movie, remember the hot nurse puts fingers up his ass?
9:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:16 Speaker 02 So I took a candle and put it up my ass.
9:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:20 Speaker 02 Trying to get, because they, because they made it seem like you press a button and like just jizz pops out. Never had any success, it just kinda, I just, I was like, this kinda, I just have a candle up my ass?
9:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:31 Speaker 02 And this doesn't feel good.
9:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:33 Speaker 02 But I always wondered, like, did I, did that candle up my ass fuck something up? Did I like root around too much and cause myself, did I fuck my prostate up? And that's why I've had to piss my whole life.
9:43 Speaker 01 And do you still feel like you actively have to piss all the time now?
9:45 Speaker 02 I do, but I'm also just older and fatter and I feel like, you know.
9:50 Speaker 01 Comes with the territory.
9:51 Speaker 02 I've gotten used to it.
9:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:52 Speaker 02 It's tough when you see a movie, you have to, you have to, you know, I've thought, I've really seriously considered being in a movie theater and just pissing in my fucking soda cup.
10:00 Speaker 01 Sure.
10:01 Speaker 02 But, you know.
10:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, or that's what you...
10:03 Speaker 02 You don't wanna get caught with your little ass dick out, pissing.
10:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:06 Speaker 02 First of all, you don't wanna get caught, but then also, imagine if they got a, my dick is so small.
10:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:11 Speaker 02 You know what I mean?
10:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:12 Speaker 02 Especially when you, when you're holding in a piss.
10:14 Speaker 01 It like doesn't even come over the balls?
10:16 Speaker 02 No, no, no. I would have to like, I would have to like push the fat down to get it over the lip of the cup.
10:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:21 Speaker 02 Because I've had to, I've pissed driving too, real problem.
10:24 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
10:24 Speaker 02 Like, I almost have to like tip my dick down.
10:26 Speaker 01 Right.
10:27 Speaker 02 If I'm reclining, it's like how a dog's penis disappears.
10:31 Speaker 01 Right.
10:31 Speaker 02 My dick disappears if I'm like too relaxed.
10:33 Speaker 01 Yes.
10:34 Speaker 02 And so, the last thing I want is an usher at an AMC to see my, basically it's all foreskin.
10:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:40 Speaker 02 The actual organ has retreated.
10:41 Speaker 01 You're not clipped?
10:42 Speaker 02 No.
10:42 Speaker 01 Interesting. I thought the Greeks get clipped?
10:44 Speaker 02 No, they really don't.
10:45 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
10:46 Speaker 02 That's, you've actually offended me.
10:48 Speaker 01 Well, I'm sorry.
10:48 Speaker 02 I'm a proud unclipped warrior.
10:50 Speaker 01 Wow.
10:51 Speaker 02 I didn't, I haven't bowed to the, you know, to the Abrahamic faith agenda.
10:55 Speaker 01 Yes.
10:56 Speaker 02 You, you, actually, you know, everyone in America is bowing to, you wanna talk about being racist, but you're kinda doing what Muslims and Jews tell you to do.
11:03 Speaker 01 That is true.
11:04 Speaker 02 They're all clipped.
11:04 Speaker 01 Yes.
11:05 Speaker 02 Me, a proud Eastern European?
11:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:06 Speaker 02 I don't, I don't, I haven't, I haven't bowed, I didn't, I didn't take a knee to Tel Aviv or Mecca.
11:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm here...
11:12 Speaker 02 I'm doing what I want.
11:12 Speaker 01 I'm here taking, talking all this shit, meanwhile, I was circumcised personally by the Ottoman Empire.
11:17 Speaker 02 They use the big simtar?
11:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:21 Speaker 01 Is that what it's called, a simtar?
11:22 Speaker 02 I think so.
11:23 Speaker 01 I've been on stage calling it a scimitar.
11:24 Speaker 02 Nah.
11:24 Speaker 01 I've been adding an I, saying, "Mom Donnie has a scimitar."
11:29 Speaker 02 I love that that's your Mom Donnie bit, where you needed to phrase "simtar."
11:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, and Mom Donnie's like, "Chris, I actually like the bit, but you're saying it wrong."
11:37 Speaker 02 You're saying it wrong.
11:38 Speaker 01 You're proving how dumb you are.
11:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:40 Speaker 01 And there you are. I think he would like me, though, Mom Donnie. Even though I think he would look at me and be like, "No," but then I think after you got to know him, I think he'd...
11:46 Speaker 02 He's a nice guy.
11:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think he'd probably like me.
11:47 Speaker 02 He's a literally, he's a cool guy.
11:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:49 Speaker 02 You would like him. He actually is cool.
11:50 Speaker 01 Yeah. And, um, but, you know, with the, with the prostate stuff, so I actually also had to get not the tube in the front, but the tube up the butt, because I had, went through a period of my life where I was just, you know, a little sexually promiscuous.
12:04 Speaker 02 Sure.
12:04 Speaker 01 And I got chlamydia like, too many times.
12:06 Speaker 02 Wow.
12:07 Speaker 01 And so...
12:07 Speaker 02 How many's too many?
12:08 Speaker 01 I think it was like, three times in a month, or something.
12:11 Speaker 02 Wow.
12:11 Speaker 01 Like, it was, it was out of control.
12:14 Speaker 02 What was going on?
12:14 Speaker 01 I honestly don't know. I really, like, to the doctor, I was like, you know, this is, we don't see this often.
12:20 Speaker 02 So... So, but, so you were just raw dog?
12:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:24 Speaker 02 Strangers?
12:25 Speaker 01 I was, I was, the way, the way that you have described sometimes how like, when you eat, sometimes it's like to hurt yourself, I was having unprotected sex to like, hurt myself. And I was finding women who also, you know, were like... Did not like themselves, and we were just in this miserable sex fest where we were both like, you know, "What the hell?" And we...
12:44 Speaker 02 Yeah. And are you nutting any strangers?
12:47 Speaker 01 There were a couple of ti- yeah. Yes.
12:49 Speaker 02 That's crazy.
12:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:50 Speaker 02 Just nutting in a stranger you met in Massbeth Queens?
12:53 Speaker 01 A hundred percent.
12:54 Speaker 02 Fucking insane.
12:55 Speaker 01 Absolutely. I'm a different guy now. I've, I've, I've found the Lord. I'm, I'm on the beaming in the program, as we say in the history hyenas. Um, I, I'm, I'm different, but back in these days, you know, eight, you know, ten years ago...
13:06 Speaker 02 I mean, I had a friend who would just, yeah, I couldn't believe it. He was like, anytime he had sex with him, he was like, "Yeah, I nut inside them."
13:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
13:12 Speaker 02 And I was like, "You don't, like, what if she gets pregnant?" And he just didn't even, he was like, "Nah, it doesn't happen."
13:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, I would be like, "I'll deal with that when it happens," you know? Yeah. I would kind of say like, "I have a Catholic cross on my back and scripture on my arm." "I'm a soldier in the army of Christ, unprotected." By by the man himself.
13:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saint Peter is guiding the jizz outside of her fallopian tubes. He's like, he's up there on a cloud. Yeah. Keep that Catholic jizz away.
13:37 Speaker 01 Yes. So I said, you know, and as Jesus will not give you what you cannot handle and all these things.
13:42 Speaker 02 Right.
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15:48 Speaker 01 So, but, but anyway, so I just, you know, was dripping all the time. And so they actually said like, look, we gotta check your prostate. I was like 27 years old, right? Something like that. And they were like, we gotta check out your prostate. And I remember the nurse or nurse practitioner, whoever, she was like an old school Russian lady. And she was like, you know, they laid me on the table and she was like, have you ever done this before? And I was like, uh, no. She's like, okay, baby, this not gonna feel good.
16:14 Speaker 01 She goes, but we have to do this check, you're okay. And then I remember as she was putting the tube, like.
16:20 Speaker 02 A real deal tube up your ass.
16:22 Speaker 01 This is like, well, whatever the machine, I don't know if it was a tube, but it was like a, it was like a, a machine that was, that specifically.
16:29 Speaker 02 Silicone fists?
16:30 Speaker 01 Exactly, yeah. Yeah, to use, to use to like check the prostate.
16:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:35 Speaker 01 She was doing it and she saw me like, I was like laid on my side and I was like, like this.
16:40 Speaker 02 She saw you go, uh, I mean, ew.
16:43 Speaker 01 And she's.
16:43 Speaker 02 She puts the tube over your, she's like, oh.
16:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, I'm like opening my mouth, she's like, no, no, no, no, this is in your butt.
16:50 Speaker 02 You're putting, yeah, you're putting your fingers in your mouth.
16:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, like that.
16:53 Speaker 02 Can you choke me?
16:54 Speaker 01 And so she's putting the, the thing up my butt with her right hand and just petting my head with her left.
17:01 Speaker 02 And you're nutting?
17:02 Speaker 01 Just, yeah, just calming me down. I'm like smelling her fingers.
17:05 Speaker 02 Getting something up your ass and an affectionate pat is crazy.
17:09 Speaker 01 Crazy dude, and she's told me, I'm just like, I just felt so terrible for you. So she's just, and then, but I was fine, everything was fine. Um, but I do, and then when I was 17, I actually thought I had an S. This is how, you know, stupid, like I had had sex with one girl.
17:24 Speaker 02 Right.
17:24 Speaker 01 It was that clear, uneducated, like Catholic school in my life, and I thought I had AIDS, full AIDS.
17:30 Speaker 02 Dude, me too. I got jerked off.
17:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:32 Speaker 02 And I was like, I have an STD.
17:34 Speaker 01 Sure.
17:34 Speaker 02 And it was the first, cause I, I was about to, I was like seeing, uh, I had a college girlfriend and I was finally gonna get to have sex. I didn't fuck till college, but before that, I had just like a girl, a random girl like touched my dick at a random hookup that went horribly. Like I couldn't get hard, I was like too drunk to get hard and nervous to get hard. But I was like, she's some dirty bitch, she's got, whatever was on her fingernails got into my. Dick hole and now I have fucking AIDS. So I got like an STD and they made me do the whole, like in hindsight, it's just like, you're so stupid and uneducated about, about sex. I had to get the Q-tip swab.
18:09 Speaker 01 That's what I, in the tip of the dick and it hurt so bad. It's like the feeling and it was so, dude, I just imagine you getting jerked off in like the parking lot of Towson University. And the outskirts of Baltimore.
18:21 Speaker 02 No, I never had luck at Towson, even though they were, apparently they were sluts, but it never worked out for me.
18:25 Speaker 01 I heard they were big time whores there and then Rutgers is the other one in New Jersey. They're called slutgers, big STD school. Yes. Um, I went to St. Joe's, of course they're called St. Hose. Um, and, uh, but.
18:37 Speaker 02 Beautiful.
18:38 Speaker 01 Beautiful, gorgeous. But yeah, I do, I gotta be honest, it is now not, like I'm 41 years old and even though my life at times, of course, is chaotic, there's a degree of, as we said on last episode, overwhelmingness that comes over me. But it is good to know to like, you're with one woman, you're locked in with your family, like the, the, the, um, calmness of not having to worry that you have an STD outweighs banging the chick.
19:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:01 Speaker 01 And I, and I had to live through that to find, like this is, I like this.
19:04 Speaker 02 Who were these people giving you chlamydia? Do you remember? Do you remember like their demographics? Do you remember anything about them? Does it all run together?
19:12 Speaker 01 It all, I would say, you, you know, it, it was one of those things where back in those days I would, you know, I just started comedy. So I would assume I was having sex to, like with the same kinds of women as the other comics were having sex in the New York City.
19:27 Speaker 02 The drugs of society.
19:28 Speaker 01 Exactly. Yes. Yes. Yes. The, the people whom, uh, you know, you watch headline arenas now, I was sharing, we were sharing women, um, back, back in those days. I, I, I don't know. I was.
19:40 Speaker 02 You don't remember a single one?
19:41 Speaker 01 I was never able to pin down who or why. I just, you know, I just got it. But this is, again, I was like.
19:46 Speaker 02 Cause sometimes it's worth it.
19:48 Speaker 01 Right.
19:48 Speaker 02 Sometimes you get a type of head.
19:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:50 Speaker 02 Like I got some just tremendous head and a girl texted me and she was like, she had something weird. It was like scabies. It was like some kind of like dirty disease.
20:00 Speaker 01 Was she a pirate?
20:02 Speaker 02 Dude, it was insane.
20:03 Speaker 01 She's like, I had rickets?
20:06 Speaker 02 She was like, I'd eat some vitamin C.
20:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'd.
20:08 Speaker 02 But scurvy? Can you look up what scabies is? I think it was scabies, but.
20:11 Speaker 01 Scabies, isn't it like, that's like a, like, skin disease, right? That's like lice? Is it scabies like a lice?
20:17 Speaker 02 Itchy skin, but tiny burrowing might call. Yes, she had a kinda, she had, she went to some kind of like, she went to like a retreat in a yurt somewhere.
20:25 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
20:26 Speaker 02 And they got scabies and she was like.
20:27 Speaker 01 Are you banging a Mongolian?
20:32 Speaker 02 But she was great, I mean, I, I don't know what she's up to, I might hit her. Literally, she was so cool, hot, and the head and pussy were so good that I was like.
20:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:40 Speaker 02 Scabies, shmaybes. And I didn't have it, but dude, it was also before my special taping. So I'm like, am I gonna do this special with scabies?
20:48 Speaker 01 Scabies, yeah.
20:48 Speaker 02 Am I gonna have a fucking rash in my, oh, my fucking face?
20:51 Speaker 01 Do you know the Mark Norman story?
20:52 Speaker 02 No.
20:52 Speaker 01 So dude, I have, we did our Comedy Central half hour specials. This, we did it in Boston.
20:57 Speaker 02 In Boston, right?
20:57 Speaker 01 In like 2013 or 14, but anyway. Mark Norman, he's talked about this openly, did that special with full blown, like, out of control Benjamin Franklin level syphilis. And he had to take this medic. Pull up Mark Norman, Half Hour Comedy Central Presents, look at how swollen his face is. When you look back, Mark, and then pull up that picture. Look at Mark Norman's face, he's like having like a reaction to some kind, the medicine wasn't working at like a full blown, like medically, and do, look at how fat and bloated his faces.
21:27 Speaker 02 You're right.
21:28 Speaker 01 And he talks about how he just was, you know, like, out, he was like in full syphilis, like founding father level condition, like.
21:36 Speaker 02 He does look like shit.
21:37 Speaker 01 Look at his face there, that's not what Mark looks like now.
21:39 Speaker 02 I mean, he was always, he was a little fatter back then, cause I feel like he was hitting the booze harder.
21:43 Speaker 01 Right.
21:43 Speaker 02 But that is even another level, like, he has a straight, like, that looks like a fat guy.
21:47 Speaker 01 No, he, because he has, he's having like some type of reaction to the penicillin given to him.
21:52 Speaker 02 That's crazy.
21:53 Speaker 01 Because he needed it, because he couldn't get through the set.
21:55 Speaker 02 Wow.
21:55 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, so syphilis is, you know, that's a crazy one to get.
22:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's, that's old school.
22:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm not, I'm not saying any private info, he said it publicly before.
22:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
22:05 Speaker 01 And also, even if I did, what would Mark give a shit?
22:09 Speaker 02 Who cares?
22:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:10 Speaker 02 He's also like your reformed, I bet he's a reformed raw dog.
22:14 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, dude, New Orleans, dude, they were, they were like scumbags down there.
22:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, so, but, but it is, it is a nice, it is nice, I'm at the eight, what are you, thirty?
22:23 Speaker 02 Thirty-six.
22:24 Speaker 01 Six, yeah.
22:24 Speaker 02 Well, can we talk about syphilis a little more before we move on?
22:26 Speaker 01 Please.
22:27 Speaker 02 Because doesn't it, I, I love that it also just makes you go insane.
22:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:30 Speaker 02 So, people would get syphilis and just go, like, didn't Al Capone go crazy?
22:34 Speaker 01 Yes, Al Capone, um, Idi Amin, they're, uh, uh,
22:37 Speaker 02 Idi Amin.
22:38 Speaker 01 They believe Nero and people in history, because what it does, actually, what, what syphilis actually does, is like, the disease, is it climbs up your spinal cord like a ladder, and it goes vertebrae, vertebrae by vertebrae, and then starts eating at your brain. So, a lot of the stuff in history now, they, they have, you know, educated guesses, that when somebody would just snap and start to kill their people and crucify, it was, they had syphilis. They was just eating their brain.
23:03 Speaker 02 Cause those are the only people-
23:03 Speaker 01 Hitler was a good guy, he just had syphilis.
23:06 Speaker 02 I, I think he's the one example that didn't have it.
23:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:09 Speaker 02 I think he was like-
23:10 Speaker 01 He was just on crystal meth.
23:11 Speaker 02 A little ass dick.
23:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what they say, and Epstein, too.
23:14 Speaker 02 He was, yeah, he, and he married his cousin or whatever, um, so yeah, unfortunately, he's not a good guy, Chris.
23:20 Speaker 01 Well, back in the day, if you look into the hit past, I mean, dude, a lot of your, a lot of your good guys are not good guys. I mean, even Gandhi, dude, used to bang out his niece.
23:27 Speaker 02 No, no, no, didn't he used to, he didn't use to bang her, didn't he used to, he slept in bed with a child, cause he was like, "I'm showing how strong I am, I'm resisting child porn."
23:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:37 Speaker 02 But, I know what you mean, but it's like, that's so funny that this guy that everyone talks about is like, this moral, well, anyway, whatever, he did good stuff for India, obviously, but it's like, to him, the ultimate, the ultimate temptation was sleeping in bed with your fucking niece.
23:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:51 Speaker 02 That was like, you can't come up with something more tempting than that.
23:54 Speaker 01 He was like, "Look, I would sleep in bed with her, and I would not touch her." Now, I would have one of my helpers push my dick into her ass.
24:00 Speaker 02 Mormon.
24:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, the Mormon bed shaking.
24:03 Speaker 02 Gandhi invented soaking.
24:06 Speaker 01 Yes.
24:07 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, I mean, of course, uh, no one is, no one in history is a fucking, is, is good, but it's also funny that the syphilis, you're right, cause the only people that got to fuck that much were, like, leaders.
24:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:18 Speaker 02 So, that's why they all got fucking syphilis.
24:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, dude, when you, when you look back, it's, you see it, it's like, pretty clear as day, because it's not that those diseases weren't there, they were, there just was no medicine. To treat it.
24:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:30 Speaker 01 And I think much like today, how like, you know, everybody has that friend who like just tears through puss and never gets an STD. That there's people existed back then, these guys would just tear through puss, but the one, like, I would not have made it. Back in the day, because I mean, I would have been taken out immediately.
24:45 Speaker 02 Taken out by chlamydia.
24:46 Speaker 01 Right away, dude, I'm going insane.
24:48 Speaker 02 Untreated chlamydia, your dick's coming like puffing up like a baboon's ass. You have like red balls.
24:53 Speaker 01 Now it's good to know, like anytime I feel any type of like pain and urination, I'm like, it's, it's probably prostate cancer, which is, I, that's fine.
25:00 Speaker 02 That's fine. You're right. You're ready to go.
25:01 Speaker 01 Well, at least you don't have to deal with the shame of your family.
25:03 Speaker 02 Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
25:05 Speaker 01 You know, that's how I look at it now.
25:07 Speaker 02 You would just clip your, you would just get that prostate taken out.
25:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, just get it taken out and deal with it because I like, I'm feeling calm, I'm feeling calm, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm knocking on my house.
25:17 Speaker 02 That's good, Chris. I'm glad, I'm glad you've changed your mind in a week's time.
25:21 Speaker 01 Yes, yes. I've just been able to, you know? Calm it down, breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth, box breathe, breathing through my box. And just figure out what I'm doing, you know?
25:33 Speaker 02 Yeah. And what do you think that is?
25:35 Speaker 01 Well, I think what I'd like to do is, um, I'd like to hold on as long as I can.
25:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:41 Speaker 01 Um, and then be ready when eventually my wife comes to me and says that she, you know, it's over for her.
25:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:50 Speaker 01 And then just have something lined up, you know, like an apartment or something.
25:53 Speaker 02 Is the marriage, like you're now going to get married. Have you gotten married?
25:56 Speaker 01 We have not gotten married yet, but, but I just do like saying my wife, I like preemptively kind of preparing for it.
26:03 Speaker 02 How are the wedding preparations going?
26:04 Speaker 01 So, so far, uh, we've, I, we were locked in on a venue, um, and then I very abruptly like, you know, you know, I had a bad hour and I lost the deposit on that venue. And I said, we're not getting married there, we should pick a new venue. And so we put on a deposit, this is all true, we put in a deposit on another venue. And then I didn't like that one and we're now back at the original venue.
26:25 Speaker 02 Wow.
26:25 Speaker 01 We paid the deposit, we've paid three deposits for the same venue.
26:28 Speaker 02 That's crazy.
26:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, so.
26:30 Speaker 02 What's going on, man?
26:31 Speaker 01 I just.
26:32 Speaker 02 Do you feel like you need control in your life? Is that what you're doing?
26:34 Speaker 01 Well, I feel like through therapy, what I've realized is my father was a gambling addict and guess what? So am I. Even though I just don't use cards.
26:42 Speaker 02 Right, right, right.
26:42 Speaker 01 I just don't bet on the vig.
26:43 Speaker 02 Right, right, right, absolutely.
26:45 Speaker 01 I bet on other things, so.
26:46 Speaker 02 You never bet? You never touch it?
26:48 Speaker 01 No, no, no. That was my father's main thing to me, growing up. He was like, I ruined my life with gambling. So you will not ruin your life with gambling. I don't even want you learning card games. I don't want you learning anything. And so I said, great, I'm not a gambling addict. I won't learn. And then as time has went on, I'm like, you know what, Dad? You should have just told me to gamble on sports because now I just gamble on everything else.
27:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:08 Speaker 01 I gamble on things that are even more high stakes.
27:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:11 Speaker 01 I mean, sitting.
27:12 Speaker 02 You were raw dogging everyone you met.
27:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:14 Speaker 02 For fucking 10 years.
27:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, because of you.
27:15 Speaker 02 Each nut was a roll of the dice.
27:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
27:18 Speaker 02 And you're not winning anything. You're just not gonna lose.
27:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, now, now I've lost my family and I'm living in an apartment with AIDS.
27:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:26 Speaker 02 You never, I guess, I guess sex probably was your addictive thing.
27:30 Speaker 01 That, yeah, that was the addictive, because I mean, I, I eat a lot too, and I eat a lot of sweets, but I think I also then try to work it off or like shame myself so I can stop. But with, at the point in my life, it was like, yeah, it was like the sex where the compulsive just jerking off like something with shame, shame, shame. And that all came from Catholicism too. It was like, you're a bad boy.
27:50 Speaker 02 Of course.
27:50 Speaker 01 You're a dirty pig.
27:52 Speaker 02 I know. I mean, shout out to repressive religion because the biggest freaks I've ever encountered are like ex Mormons, ex like fundamental, fundamental Christians, ex like strict Muslims. They've all been the biggest freaks, so salute to religion.
28:07 Speaker 01 Salute to religion.
28:08 Speaker 02 For kind of becoming the number one ho academy out there.
28:11 Speaker 01 Hundred percent. And I, and I, and I'm also, a new development with me is I'm also back in with Catholicism.
28:17 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah?
28:18 Speaker 01 I've started going back to church.
28:20 Speaker 02 Love it.
28:20 Speaker 01 Bringing the family back to church, but we're going in a more healthy way now where it's like, I'm not gonna scold myself and have to like, you know, go jerk off in the parking lot if I, if I miss a Sunday.
28:31 Speaker 02 Sure. What do you think of the new Pope?
28:33 Speaker 01 I do like the new Pope.
28:34 Speaker 02 Is he too woke for you?
28:35 Speaker 01 No, that, no, well, he is a little woke, but, but the fact that he's an American guy from Chicago and probably most likely has mafia ties.
28:44 Speaker 01 Pope Leo is actually, is, is kind of cool. I like him. And I like that he looks exactly like our good friend Lenny Marcus.
28:51 Speaker 02 You're so right.
28:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:52 Speaker 02 He does look like Lenny Marcus.
28:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, so I like, I like the Pope. I actually, to be honest with you, I haven't really been much on social media and the internet, so I don't really know what's going on.
29:05 Speaker 01 I, I don't.
29:06 Speaker 02 He really does look like the Pope. That's so fucking funny.
29:08 Speaker 01 Exactly. So, I, I don't, I don't really know much about him. I mean, what do you think of him?
29:12 Speaker 02 I mean, look, the, he's, as far as Popes go, he seems pretty good. I mean,
29:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:17 Speaker 02 Uh, he, he had, he had lunch with some trans women recently, like, he also, uh, talked about how ICE, what they're doing with ICE is un-Christian and like,
29:26 Speaker 01 Right.
29:26 Speaker 02 we should be helping our neighbors and it's like, you know,
29:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:29 Speaker 02 just because people are refugees doesn't mean you're allowed to treat that. You just snatch them up off the streets.
29:33 Speaker 01 When he said that, that made my friends kinda head spin because they were like, wait, what? The Pope said what we're doing ain't good?
29:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is funny because you know, he is really, there are certain people who will choose Trump over the Pope, which is so fucking funny.
29:46 Speaker 01 So funny.
29:46 Speaker 02 You know, there's like some kinda types of Protestants that are like, no, we must follow,
29:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:50 Speaker 02 Donald Trump.
29:51 Speaker 01 Yes.
29:51 Speaker 02 A pious man.
29:52 Speaker 01 Yes.
29:53 Speaker 02 But it is really, it is, he has been interesting. It's kinda like the way that the last Pope basically said like, hey, if you're gay, uh, you might not go to hell. Like, that was the big thing and they're like, this guy's too whatever.
30:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:05 Speaker 02 I'm interested in this guy. Chicago guy, you know?
30:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:08 Speaker 02 We'll see. I like a woke Pope personally. Uh, I think, you know, gay people, obviously, the church should be accepting of gay people. I think it's fucking stupid to quote like Leviticus and shit.
30:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:20 Speaker 02 It's like the same shit tells you, you can't eat shrimp or wear fucking cotton polyester blends. It's like, the same, the same ones tell you you're not allowed to fuck people in the ass.
30:28 Speaker 01 Right.
30:29 Speaker 02 Unless you're wearing bur, like a fuck, pure wool,
30:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:32 Speaker 02 and never eating fucking shrimp and keeping kosher and whatever the fuck it tells you to do.
30:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:36 Speaker 02 Lay off gay guys.
30:37 Speaker 01 Listen dude, I, I'm all good with the Pope. I just hope that he just, just, I'd like our people like this to just kind of stay in the media, like, just do the homilies, just do church, just do like,
30:48 Speaker 02 Shut up and dribble.
30:49 Speaker 01 The morning you shut up and dribble.
30:51 Speaker 02 Shut up and dribble for the Pope.
30:52 Speaker 01 I really, I just don't wanna see you doing a live podcast at the Chicago Theater. You know what I mean? I know that you wanna talk to the youth, but I really, I don't need, I don't, I wouldn't like, I don't wanna see you on flagrant.
31:04 Speaker 02 Oh my god, the Pope on fucking Theo's podcast.
31:07 Speaker 01 Yes, I'd like that to stop. I like all that to stop. I, I know that we have podcasts and it's fun.
31:11 Speaker 02 You say that, Theo I would like to see talk to the Pope.
31:15 Speaker 01 Dude, is it, I just saw a meme today that Theo's dating like the mom of like the quarterback at Vanderbilt or something. Is that, did you see that?
31:22 Speaker 02 I, I know that he was trying to fuck her, which salute.
31:25 Speaker 01 I don't know if it's real or not then, maybe it's not.
31:26 Speaker 02 He was, he was, Theo was literally like hollering at this kid's mom.
31:30 Speaker 01 Great.
31:30 Speaker 02 Who is a dime.
31:31 Speaker 01 She's a dime piece.
31:32 Speaker 02 And the kid's awesome and Vanderbilt's good and you know, Theo's in, it would, it would be a very beautiful Tennessee love story.
31:38 Speaker 01 Right, right.
31:39 Speaker 02 It would be a very, and Theo could use a good woman in his life, I think, you know?
31:42 Speaker 01 Yes, yes, yeah, I, I just saw, I, I see things like not being on the internet now, like never going on social media. It's like, I feel like, you know, I'm in like a third world country when they get a movie that's been out like for five years. They're like, look, we have The Hangover.
31:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:56 Speaker 01 Like, I feel that, like, a lot of times I'll bring something up and they're like, yeah, that happened six months ago.
32:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, we don't, who gives a fuck?
32:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, right.
32:03 Speaker 02 Who cares about, I like, I like that too. I, I think the hap, you're much happier in like third world countries, I think, like Greece, I think about how much fun it was to.
32:13 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
32:14 Speaker 02 Go over there, they don't know what the fuck's going on, we're watching, what you just said, I remember watching Dunkirk.
32:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:19 Speaker 02 The theaters in Greece in the summer, they're outdoors, it's like a movie theater, you're smoking, you're having fucking sunflower seeds. One of the best memories of my life is just pulling a weed pen, eating fucking oregano potato chips and watching Dunkirk.
32:33 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
32:34 Speaker 02 Outside, it was fucking awesome, dude.
32:35 Speaker 01 Getting horny to Tom Hardy's voice in a jet.
32:38 Speaker 02 Lips, those beautiful lips.
32:39 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
32:40 Speaker 02 They should have figured out a way to show those lips off.
32:41 Speaker 01 I know.
32:42 Speaker 02 Tom Hardy needs to be the new Robocop.
32:43 Speaker 01 Dude, Tom Hardy's gay too.
32:45 Speaker 02 He used to be gay, I believe.
32:46 Speaker 01 Oh, now he's bad, he's, he's.
32:48 Speaker 02 I saw an interview where he was like, yeah, when I was a kid, I sucked a little dick.
32:51 Speaker 01 Right.
32:52 Speaker 02 But that's childish behavior, like them, that's childish behavior.
32:55 Speaker 01 Growing up in Ridgewood.
32:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's, Tom Hardy, I would say.
32:59 Speaker 02 He was a piece of ass, dude, he was like a little twink.
33:01 Speaker 01 He is my favorite actor. Tom Hardy is my guy, any type of, so Tom Hardy is the only actor for me personally, if he's in a movie or a TV show, I watch it specifically for him. I don't, no other actor or actress really has that power over me personally, but Tom Hardy, like, like the show Mobland, which I, I love that show. I only watch it because he was in it.
33:22 Speaker 02 I'm excited to see it, it looks both good and bad.
33:25 Speaker 01 I thought it was great.
33:26 Speaker 02 It looks like trash, but with great actors in it.
33:28 Speaker 01 I thought it was great, I'd put it up there with Bad Thoughts on Netflix.
33:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's just as, I mean, yeah, it has just as impressive a cast.
33:37 Speaker 01 Yes. Yeah, maybe, you know, yeah.
33:39 Speaker 02 Pierce Brosnan, Tom Hardy, and Helen Mirren. By the way, you want to talk about piece of ass?
33:44 Speaker 01 Helen Mirren.
33:44 Speaker 02 Helen Mirren, back in the day. I mean, to this day, one of the hottest old ladies I've ever seen.
33:50 Speaker 01 My go-to is I like Jamie Lee Curtis.
33:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:53 Speaker 01 I like her, and I still, I still to this day masturbate to her dancing in True Lies.
33:57 Speaker 02 True Lies, you see her tits in Trading Places.
34:01 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
34:02 Speaker 02 That was an early pair of breasts that I saw as a child.
34:04 Speaker 01 Love those.
34:05 Speaker 02 And they're, they stay, they've stayed with me. I mean, she's, yeah, she-
34:08 Speaker 01 Sometimes I still snap off a little bit to Dolly Parton.
34:11 Speaker 02 Sure.
34:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:12 Speaker 02 Sure. You want to, again, young Dolly, great stuff.
34:15 Speaker 01 Love her.
34:16 Speaker 02 And really did a lot for the humongous tits community.
34:18 Speaker 01 Yes.
34:18 Speaker 02 There was not really a mainstream celebrity with really over-the-top huge tits.
34:23 Speaker 01 Right.
34:23 Speaker 02 And she really was one of the first.
34:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, so she's a pioneer in that sense.
34:27 Speaker 02 She's a pioneer in gigantic tits.
34:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's good.
34:29 Speaker 02 I mean, look at, I mean, come on, respect.
34:31 Speaker 01 Absolute badass.
34:32 Speaker 02 And by the way, of course she had gigantic tits, but also a pioneer in country music, Chris.
34:36 Speaker 01 Yes, she is.
34:37 Speaker 02 Incredible singer, obviously, let's lead with her talents.
34:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:40 Speaker 02 And also, but yes, as a, as a youth, had I seen her breasts before I had heard her music?
34:46 Speaker 01 A hundred percent.
34:47 Speaker 02 Yes, I had.
34:48 Speaker 01 I'd like to play her tits like bongos.
34:50 Speaker 02 It really was a thing as a kid where I was like, whoa.
34:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:53 Speaker 02 This is awesome.
34:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:55 Speaker 02 Someone can have tits this big. And then Elvira, I remember seeing Elvira as a little kid.
34:59 Speaker 01 Sure.
35:00 Speaker 02 Because she did some kind of weird, she would be on like, maybe Nick at Night or some shit, and I was like, what the hell's going on here?
35:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:06 Speaker 02 Just a little remembering getting horny as a child.
35:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, I like that.
35:09 Speaker 02 We're taking a little detour to get horny as a child.
35:11 Speaker 01 To get horned up, and that, yeah, that brings me to our next point of maybe we should pull a page out of Tom and Bert's book and groom a girl and get her on OnlyFans.
35:19 Speaker 02 What the fuck was going on with that?
35:20 Speaker 01 Dude, I think that they were on to something, except I think they picked the wrong sex. Let's do a guy.
35:25 Speaker 02 Mmm.
35:25 Speaker 01 Let's get Benson Spoon.
35:27 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
35:28 Speaker 01 Let's take Benson Spoon.
35:29 Speaker 02 Oh, you think we should turn out Benson?
35:30 Speaker 01 Yes. Turn out Benson Spoon and say, you know what? Let's get you to the next level.
35:35 Speaker 02 Let's sell that boy pussy Benson.
35:37 Speaker 01 Exactly. On OnlyFans, get Spoon out there.
35:40 Speaker 02 You're right, because look, right now he's Benson Spoon. But let's make him fake Benson Boone.
35:45 Speaker 01 Yes.
35:45 Speaker 02 Let's let people who wanna fuck Benson Boone. Alright, we'll get Benson Spoon. We'll get him on, I'll give him some of my Zepbound.
35:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:52 Speaker 02 Alright, he'll lose the extra couple pounds he's got. We'll get him on, we'll get him Tom's trainer.
35:57 Speaker 01 Yes.
35:57 Speaker 02 We'll get him a, a, a jumpsuit, we'll get him doing backflip.
36:00 Speaker 01 I'll get him a Siberian Husky to get his cardio in.
36:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll start backflipping on like, repressed gay Mormon businessmen.
36:09 Speaker 01 Yes.
36:09 Speaker 02 Who wanna actually fuck real Benson Boone. And we take a cut of every, every load he takes, we get a piece of that.
36:15 Speaker 01 Exactly, and I think that, and that's the future. And that's, and that's what I think, so the guys had a good idea.
36:21 Speaker 02 Right.
36:22 Speaker 01 But it wasn't executed properly.
36:23 Speaker 02 And, and they didn't look at the talent they had in-house.
36:26 Speaker 01 In-house.
36:27 Speaker 02 You know, they could, we could definitely pimp out Benson Spoon.
36:29 Speaker 01 A hundred percent, so I think Benson Spoon's the guy, and then he's, he's our, he's our horse. And maybe we even get him in there with a horse. And we get on OnlyFans, and this is, this is the idea. So, so what we do here on Winter Bears is we take some of the ideas that the guys had. Because you can't deny Tom and Bert's success, it's, it's, it's next level. So they obviously have amazing ideas. But, they sometimes miss the mark just a little bit, and we're here to help them get the bullseye. And the bullseye is Benson Spoon's open asshole on OnlyFans.
37:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I'm not just talking OnlyFans, we do need to do in-person meetups.
37:06 Speaker 01 So you think, yeah.
37:07 Speaker 02 I want old-school pimping.
37:09 Speaker 01 Yes.
37:09 Speaker 02 I wanna really work, that's how you really gotta break your podcast producer down.
37:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:13 Speaker 02 You make him suck dick for money as well.
37:15 Speaker 01 Right.
37:16 Speaker 02 It's not enough to clip stuff up, it's like, I have a businessman from Japan.
37:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:20 Speaker 02 Who wants to fuck Benson Boone. You're gonna go in there, you're gonna put on a sequin jumpsuit, you're gonna try your best to do a backflip. We gotta get him in gymnastics classes.
37:28 Speaker 01 Yes.
37:28 Speaker 02 Uh, he's gotta start doing backflip.
37:29 Speaker 01 My daughter's in gymnastics, you can come with her.
37:34 Speaker 02 Yep, and then you'll fucking suck off, you know, Mr. Izumaka.
37:37 Speaker 01 Right.
37:38 Speaker 02 And, you know, and then we'll all go out for sashimi afterwards, he'll pay us $2,000.
37:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:43 Speaker 02 You'll get 200 of that.
37:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:45 Speaker 02 Benson, you know.
37:46 Speaker 01 So it helps you.
37:47 Speaker 02 It helps you.
37:47 Speaker 01 In order, in an effort to keep costs of living down, and we're gonna move this operation, because it's now moving into full-blown prostitution, we're gonna move this operation to Detroit. We're going to downtown. On Detroit where pimp.
37:59 Speaker 02 Why don't we go to the, why don't we go to Nevada?
38:01 Speaker 01 Okay.
38:02 Speaker 02 Where it's legal.
38:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:03 Speaker 02 You know, right next to the bunny ranch.
38:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:05 Speaker 02 We'll do the fucking boy pussy ranch.
38:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:07 Speaker 02 We'll do the.
38:08 Speaker 01 Yes.
38:09 Speaker 02 And how about this? Maybe, oh, maybe.
38:10 Speaker 01 The bussy ranch.
38:11 Speaker 02 The bussy ranch. We'll do the bussy ranch and maybe, maybe we're overthinking this. Instead of, we'll just do, we'll pimp out podcast producers.
38:20 Speaker 01 Yes.
38:20 Speaker 02 You know, well, everyone's gonna suck, we'll have eldest sucking guys off.
38:24 Speaker 01 Elder sucking guys off, homeless pimp sucking guys off. He's got the name already.
38:27 Speaker 02 And he's like the alt, he's the alternative one. He's got the cute pants, you know?
38:31 Speaker 01 Yes. We got my guy who works with me, Steve Chaconi Ricearoni. He's a little guy, so he's good for.
38:36 Speaker 02 Ooh, a little spinner.
38:37 Speaker 01 Little, little fetish guy.
38:39 Speaker 02 If you've got a small dick, we'll put, we'll put him in a diaper.
38:41 Speaker 01 Yes.
38:41 Speaker 02 You know what I mean?
38:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:42 Speaker 02 He'll have a rattle. He'll say goo goo ga ga while he sucks your dick.
38:45 Speaker 01 A hundred percent. My, the producer of history, Hyenas, Jesse Scuturo, he's into sculpting and he's more of an artiste, so a little more highbrow. He'll kind of get banged out and then sculpt the man's penis while he's laying there in a pool of his own jizz. We can get this, we could get a, a good old Jamie. Joe Rogan's Jamie will come.
39:04 Speaker 02 That's high, that's a big ticket item.
39:05 Speaker 01 That's the big one.
39:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wanna fuck Jamie, that'll cost you a million dollars.
39:10 Speaker 01 To fuck Jamie is like, now that's like Prince Andrew.
39:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:16 Speaker 02 Dude, you know, like these loser tech AI guys?
39:18 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
39:18 Speaker 02 They would love to fuck a podcast producer.
39:20 Speaker 01 A hundred percent. Sam Altman just coming in.
39:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, and just blowing a load and all over Jamie.
39:26 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:27 Speaker 01 Big dog, yeah.
39:29 Speaker 02 This is a good idea, man.
39:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think so. So again, I think the guys were on to something here.
39:34 Speaker 02 And let's not forget, look, we can't forget Eddie. He's also gonna get his ass fucked too.
39:37 Speaker 01 Hundred percent.
39:38 Speaker 02 He's in there, you know?
39:40 Speaker 01 Good old Eddie, yeah.
39:41 Speaker 02 Somebody wants a little caramel prick, you know what I mean?
39:44 Speaker 01 That's what it is, yeah. Like that, yeah.
39:47 Speaker 02 He's trying to go, he's trying to sneak away from the camera. He's, he's at the far end of the frame.
39:52 Speaker 01 It's, it's all fun and games until you, until you make a black guy gay. And then, and then they're like, no, no, fuck that dude. My community don't fuck with that. That's your white boy shit. Yeah.
40:03 Speaker 02 This is absolutely white boy coded. These are white boy riffs if I've ever heard them.
40:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is white people shit.
40:08 Speaker 02 Talking about pimping out your, your, uh, male friends as well. But that's true, you know. I want, I think pimping, you know, let's make it, let's make it a man, let's make it intergender.
40:20 Speaker 01 Yes.
40:20 Speaker 02 That way, you know, women pimp out women, men pimp out men, you know.
40:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:24 Speaker 02 Kind of ancient Greek about it.
40:26 Speaker 01 And to be honest, New York City might be the spot for it because Mom Donnie wants to legalize prostitution. So that could work for us in a big way.
40:34 Speaker 02 Sure. Yeah, that's true. We can keep my apartment in Queens and that can be the flop house.
40:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:39 Speaker 02 Everyone can come in. One room is the podcast room. The other room is, well, actually, here's what we do. We put a glory hole that leads directly to the producers booth. They can at the same time.
40:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:49 Speaker 02 Suck dick while they're editing a fucking episode.
40:52 Speaker 01 Make it easy for them. Yeah. Get a sponsor. It's all sponsored by Liquid Death.
40:58 Speaker 02 We'll need a lube sponsor.
40:59 Speaker 01 Yes. Yeah. So this is an actual viable operation because what this is what, you know, where people are getting bored with just the podcast. People are getting bored with just the stand up. So if you have, you know, simultaneously your producers in a prostitution ring.
41:16 Speaker 02 Right.
41:16 Speaker 01 Against their will.
41:17 Speaker 02 Against their will. That's big.
41:18 Speaker 01 That, but we have cameras on that. Then the fan will say, you know what? Maybe I will join your Patreon.
41:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:25 Speaker 02 And yeah, we'll put the glory hole dick sucks behind the paywall too.
41:27 Speaker 01 Yes, which is this, you know, it's capitalism.
41:29 Speaker 02 And that's the way we, that's using every part of the buffalo.
41:32 Speaker 01 Yes.
41:33 Speaker 02 We charge the guy to get his dick sucked. We charge other guys to watch the guy get his dick sucked.
41:36 Speaker 01 Hundred percent. Yeah.
41:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:37 Speaker 01 Now, we gotta do this.
41:38 Speaker 02 It's rubbing, just being in this studio, business is rubbing off.
41:41 Speaker 01 Yes, you do become a businessman. Yeah. Yes. Now, this is, we have to get this idea out and patent it before it's done at Skank Fest.
41:49 Speaker 02 Oh, my God. You're right. I'm actually, I bet you this is happening already at Skank Fest. Louis is a hundred percent pimping out, but they're not even producers. They're unpaid interns.
41:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:59 Speaker 02 He's like, you want to make it in this business?
42:03 Speaker 02 I mean, they li- DeRosa, remember when he hooked up with that trans girl?
42:06 Speaker 01 Sure.
42:07 Speaker 02 We're, that's essentially what we're talking about.
42:09 Speaker 01 Dude, I remember going home to my family. I was at that Skank Fest. I remember going home to like, you know, Jazz put the kids to bed and she's like, so babe, how was like your weekend? And I'm like, you know, it was great. And then I'm just like, you know, cause you get so immersed in comedy and you know, you forget like our wives and family members are like not in comedy every day as we are. They're more normal people where we're of course more abnormal people.
42:27 Speaker 02 Of course.
42:28 Speaker 01 And so I'm telling her, she's like, how was it? I'm like, oh, it's great. And I'm telling her like, as if it would get a laugh. I'm like, oh yeah. And then DeRosa got like sucked off by a trans person like in front of the audience that came in five seconds. And I'm telling it like how crazy it is. Like she's like, oh my God, what, how nuts. And she was like, I want you to really reevaluate who you hang out with in this business. Cause she was like, you know, you have a family, you have like, I, I don't know why you're around these types of people anymore. And I'm like, and I'm like,
42:55 Speaker 02 What? It's funny.
42:56 Speaker 01 I was like, come on, he's got sucked off. Like he's cool with it. And she was like, Chris, like I real, I'm just gonna go to bed and I just want you to really think about what's going on.
43:03 Speaker 02 Wake up tomorrow.
43:04 Speaker 01 And I'm like, oh.
43:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
43:05 Speaker 01 Damn.
43:05 Speaker 02 Yeah. It is funny, but it is like, that is the one where it's like, it's all like, here's the thing, him hooking up with a, with a fan after the show.
43:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
43:14 Speaker 02 Great. But the fact that everyone knows that he's just in another room actively getting his dick sucked. And then he comes back, saliva still drying on his fucking prick. And he's like, goes back to riffing.
43:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
43:27 Speaker 02 That's insane.
43:28 Speaker 01 That's insane.
43:29 Speaker 02 And I tip my cap to Skank Fest for that.
43:31 Speaker 01 And, and, and the beauty of all that is Louis Gomez's cowboy hat never moved an inch.
43:40 Speaker 01 Yeah. And then, so we got, so now, so what's very interesting is here we are doing Winter Bears. Tom's got the, the pastry shop. So then he's got Bad Thoughts. And now, and now Bert has said, you know what? This is how bad I don't want to do the podcast. He said, let me go do the medium that even less people watch, a sitcom. Bert said, let's do a multi cam Netflix sitcom. Now, do, you know, I'm making fun of Bert here, but in reality, I also have a sitcom in development that did not get picked up.
44:05 Speaker 02 That's what I'm gonna say.
44:06 Speaker 01 So.
44:07 Speaker 02 He's just doing the thing you've been trying desperately to do for eight years.
44:10 Speaker 01 Yo, all, all.
44:11 Speaker 02 How many pilots has it been, Chris?
44:12 Speaker 01 Nine. Yeah.
44:15 Speaker 02 Oh for nine.
44:17 Speaker 01 Yes.
44:18 Speaker 02 And the idea is just like, you know.
44:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:20 Speaker 02 Italian and a Puerto Rican wife, basically.
44:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, like so far, like I make fun of this, but so far it's like Bert's living this amazing career. And I'm, my career is just, I'm like Bert if he never made it out of Tampa.
44:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:30 Speaker 01 If he was just a guy outside splitters, that's me. Yeah.
44:34 Speaker 02 I know. It's, yeah.
44:36 Speaker 01 But, but so, so Bert's got that sitcom out, so I don't know when that's coming out, but obviously check that out on Netflix. But I, my, my guess is if they, if we do somehow get convinced to come back here and do Spring Bears.
44:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, we will be back here for Spring Bears.
44:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:53 Speaker 02 Probably, if I had to guess.
44:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:56 Speaker 02 I don't know, you know, what are we gonna do? Maybe we should do it, we did this one in Austin. We did New York, Austin, maybe we go somewhere tropical for Spring Bears.
45:03 Speaker 01 Oh, that's an interesting one.
45:05 Speaker 02 Make them fly us out somewhere to an island.
45:07 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
45:08 Speaker 02 Take, yeah, maybe we do it on Epstein's Island.
45:10 Speaker 01 That'd be awesome. I'm not, again.
45:12 Speaker 02 It's empty. They're not using it now.
45:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, as I said, as I said.
45:15 Speaker 02 We turn to YMH Island.
45:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, I am not doing it on Bert's Cruise.
45:18 Speaker 02 No. Definitely not. Yeah, let's look into getting Epstein's Island.
45:24 Speaker 01 Okay.
45:25 Speaker 02 That way we can do, then we can run a little pilot program.
45:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:29 Speaker 02 Of our other idea, wink, wink.
45:30 Speaker 01 Yep.
45:31 Speaker 02 Don't worry about it, Bensy. Just, just show up and hey, don't, just have clear broth for a couple of days before, before you come out. No chili, nothing, no dairy.
45:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:42 Speaker 02 Let's keep that intestine clear.
45:44 Speaker 01 Yeah. Yeah, and, and yeah, and if you could just, you know, just because we really want to pump the first one, if you could really just kind of go on Mateo Lane's Instagram and just watch kind of what he looks like, what he does. And then just get prepared because we might have a nice surprise guest for that first opening.
45:58 Speaker 02 That's a good point. Wouldn't it be easier to find a ripped gay guy and teach him podcast producing? Or to try and make podcast producers hot? Some of the most disgusting looking people on earth.
46:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:08 Speaker 02 Cause they're like, they're like comedians who don't have to be in front of the camera. So it's like, that's the only thing, this is like, imagine how horrible I'd look if I wasn't photographed hours a week. This is me trying. Imagine, imagine if I was a podcast producer, how much. Shit, I would look.
46:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:26 Speaker 02 So maybe we've got the wrong idea. Now, having said that, we're not going to spare Benson's hole. He's gonna get, he's gonna get ran, we're gonna get a train run through him. But let's also try a pilot program where we teach a gay guy or like a promiscuous gay man who wants to be pimped out. We teach him podcast producing.
46:42 Speaker 01 Yes.
46:42 Speaker 02 And then we see who's the better boy whore slash producer.
46:45 Speaker 01 And then the fans are incentivized to stay with us for the next eight to 12 weeks to see who's gonna win. And then, you know, they can vote, they can, and it's a whole thing.
46:54 Speaker 02 They can vote.
46:55 Speaker 01 This is where you how you get social media involved.
46:57 Speaker 02 I love this.
46:57 Speaker 01 And all those things. So I think that that is, is a genuinely, a genuinely good idea. That, uh, yeah, that I, that I would assume Bert and Tom are willing to put their money into producing as long as it means they don't have to sit in a room and do the podcast. I think they'd rather watch their producer be wrong than sit down and do a podcast.
47:20 Speaker 02 He's like, yeah, he's like, sounds good to me, sent from my iPhone. You know what I mean? It's just never, cool. Just not even, just a thumbs up emoji sent from my iPhone.
47:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:30 Speaker 02 And we're like, alright, great.
47:31 Speaker 01 Doesn't care. Yeah. So I think that, that it, it, it's interesting. It's interesting. Well, you know.
47:37 Speaker 02 You know, we were talking there. What do you think they're doing with Epstein's Island?
47:41 Speaker 01 Right now?
47:42 Speaker 02 Nice real estate.
47:42 Speaker 01 Well, I'll tell you this, speaking of real estate, I'll tell you this, me and, uh, Yanni, uh, we're looking for a new history in a studio in downtown Manhattan. So we go, the real estate, the real estate.
47:51 Speaker 02 How's it looking? I'm looking as well.
47:52 Speaker 01 So it's looking, certain parts are good. If you real, I mean, it's actually, it's good that you answered. If you really want to get a good deal, you might have to get in with some kind of nefarious adjacent people. So we go and we go to this place. It's this loft like spot that's dope. That's a couple of G's less than every other place we looked at. And the realtor says, you know, uh, you might recognize this guy. It's all good. Um, you know, he's, bears resemblance to some, to a guy that is very famous. Um, but he's a good dude. He's all, everything's good. You know, he, he like lives here on one side of the loft, but he's almost never here.
48:34 Speaker 01 And, you know, he's here right now because he wants to show you this spot and he wants to give you guys a great deal. So we go, the elevator doors open and we look at this guy and we're like, kinda looks familiar. But me and Yanni are kind of looking at each other and the whole time we're looking at the space, we're like, who is this dude?
48:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
48:50 Speaker 01 So we go.
48:51 Speaker 02 Incredible deal. The place is awesome. You're like, what's the catch?
48:54 Speaker 01 What's the catch? And he's very well put together. He had like a scarf on, very well put together. And he's kind of funny and he's very charismatic. And we're like, this is interesting. It's in a great location. It's got like perfectly set up for podcasting. And me and Yanis are looking at him and whatever. And then he goes, um, you know, we're all done and we get, he gets into the elevator with us and he goes, so what do you guys think? And Yanis was like, you know what, sir? Like, we really, we like this. And he goes, okay. He goes, well, I'll give you my card. Gives us his card. He goes, you call me when you want to make a deal. This place is yours. I'll hold it for you for a week and it's yours. So we get out and we look at the card and we look at it and then it hits us, who it is. His name was Mark Epstein. It was Jeffrey Epstein's brother.
49:35 Speaker 02 Shut the fuck up.
49:36 Speaker 01 Google Mark Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein's brother tried to sell us a podcast space.
49:41 Speaker 02 You were considering renting studio space from Mark Epstein?
49:47 Speaker 01 Yes.
49:47 Speaker 02 Oh, my God.
49:48 Speaker 01 And then when we hit it, we were like, should we do it? And then.
49:51 Speaker 02 Puggy. So the guy in the Epstein, should we do it?
49:55 Speaker 01 I was like, it is a great deal. It's better than doing it over the stand, those fucking criminals. Who do you want to be with? The Italians or the Epsteins?
50:04 Speaker 02 You just want to fucking record a podcast where they had like 15 Russian teenagers penned in fucking weight? They just had them, they had them in little stalls, the way you have puppies in a fucking, like a breeding mill.
50:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
50:15 Speaker 02 They have like little cereal dry feeder and like a water bottle. And then fucking billionaires would come through and be like, hmm, I'll take that one.
50:24 Speaker 01 C7? Yeah. Like a vending machine?
50:26 Speaker 02 Vending machine, holy shit.
50:28 Speaker 01 Yeah. So that's why.
50:29 Speaker 02 Mark Epstein!
50:30 Speaker 01 That's why the deal was so good. So if you're looking for a really good deal, he's the guy.
50:33 Speaker 02 I'm not. I'm not looking for that level of deal.
50:36 Speaker 01 Because him and I were like, you know what? We were like, we can't possibly do it there because then we're like, what happens if like we're filming the podcast here? And then there's some like nut who just wants to get revenge and he thinks that Mark, that Mark Epstein's still there. And then he just blows up the podcast studio and we get killed.
50:49 Speaker 02 And by the way, this isn't like, okay, it's Epstein's brother, but you know, they have different lives. Uh, he was the president of his brother's investment company and, and executive of OSA property. So he is involved. And he's, he's the one who was emailing him about Trump sucking Clinton's dick.
51:07 Speaker 01 Really?
51:07 Speaker 02 That was the one. We were talking about Bubba sucked him off.
51:09 Speaker 01 Oh, interesting. Listen, in fairness, I only met him briefly. He's a very nice guy. Very nice, charming, charismatic guy. Not, I don't know really anything about what he did in his
51:20 Speaker 02 I think you can guess.
51:22 Speaker 01 But I'm just saying, in the, in the flesh, nice man, and a very good podcast deal.
51:26 Speaker 02 If it saves you fifteen hundred dollars between you and Yanis, seven hundred fifty a month, it's okay to podcast at a place where unspeakable evil has occurred.
51:35 Speaker 01 Listen, it's all, as I told you, I'm into investing now. It's all about compounding. It's all about compounding interest.
51:42 Speaker 02 Oh, my fucking god. You really, you legitimately met Mark Epstein?
51:46 Speaker 01 We had no idea going in, but we were like, whoa. And it was kind of one of those moments where we're standing on whatever street in the city, and we were like, as soon as we saw the name, it was like, whoa. Because when you first see him, he looks like him, you're like, dude, I've seen this guy's face before.
52:01 Speaker 02 Can we go to his Wiki? Let's just get a little more about Mark Epstein.
52:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, he's a public figure. I'm not like exposing him.
52:09 Speaker 02 He's an American property developer and the brother of child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. What a great start.
52:15 Speaker 01 Yep.
52:15 Speaker 02 A former artist. Epstein has been a real, a former artist. I'm sure his fucking paintings were really good. I mean, yeah. Oh, he also had a real estate, a t-shirt printing business. Oh, this one, a modeling agency and a charter company. That's cra- a modeling agency and a charter company just means he was a sex trafficker.
52:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
52:36 Speaker 02 He fucking found the people to traffic and he had the planes to take them.
52:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, the modeling agency was called Fisher Price.
52:43 Speaker 02 This is so fucking crazy.
52:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:45 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, anyway, these guys were definitely, you know.
52:48 Speaker 01 Well, but here's the thing, when you, when you work, when you're trying to look for a studio and down here in New York City, a lot of the buildings are owned, you're probably gonna deal with some type of scumbag who owns the building. And so you're gonna have to deal with a little bit of that.
53:00 Speaker 02 There are levels to it though, Chris.
53:03 Speaker 01 I understand if you wanna, if you wanna draw the line at Epstein, you know, hey, you know, I got a great deal. What's the catch? Well, my brother Saddam Hussein. Is that a problem?
53:13 Speaker 02 That's fucking insane.
53:14 Speaker 01 So, yeah.
53:15 Speaker 02 I, well, I look forward to you signing the deal with him.
53:17 Speaker 01 Yes, right.
53:18 Speaker 02 Wow, dude, that's fucking nuts.
53:20 Speaker 01 You know, you'll come do the pod and be our first guest.
53:22 Speaker 02 Oh, you would love, that would be a good pod.
53:25 Speaker 01 Yes.
53:25 Speaker 02 Uh, he said he didn't know why, uh, he stopped hang- oh, this is very funny. In 2024, Mark said he did not know why Jeffrey's friendship with Donald Trump ended. He said that Jeffrey had said on tape that he stopped hanging out with Donald Trump when he realized Trump was a crook.
53:44 Speaker 02 Epstein was like, ah, this guy's a little shady.
53:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. I don't know about this guy anymore.
53:50 Speaker 02 Anyway, where's the new shipment of Lithuanian children? Where's the, yeah, can we, can you get on the phone with that Lithuanian orphanage? We're kind of running low on stock.
53:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:58 Speaker 02 It's, uh, it's fucking, um, let's see, it's Tony Blair's birthday.
54:02 Speaker 01 Right.
54:03 Speaker 02 We want to treat him right.
54:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, so that's, you run into some people here.
54:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's, you know, you're really rubbing elbows with high society in Manhattan.
54:10 Speaker 01 That's what it is, man. You got Mom Donnie, I got Epstein.
54:15 Speaker 02 I think I know, yeah, I'm pretty glad with that.
54:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:18 Speaker 02 I'm, I'm happy to be on that side of it.
54:20 Speaker 01 Dude, Diet Cokes, you know Diet Cokes? I, I just read a study that the chemicals in Diet Cokes change your gut microbiome in such a way that while you're digesting that Diet Coke, your personality is actually changing. So whoever you are before the Diet Coke is not who you are as you're consuming the Diet Coke. Because they realize now the gut-brain connection, like who you are, your personality, your thoughts are not as, they are, of course, in the brain, but they're also in the gut. And Diet Cokes change your gut microbiome to where you are actually a different person. So just, just know that about you.
54:52 Speaker 02 And what do you think, so, it's interesting because the second I started drinking Diet Coke, I started fantasizing about my little Benson spoon.
54:57 Speaker 01 Exactly, dude.
54:59 Speaker 02 Maybe Diet Coke's turning me into a gay sexual predator.
55:06 Speaker 01 That makes sense, yeah.
55:10 Speaker 02 Three more, please.
55:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
55:16 Speaker 02 That's interesting. You know, I like that because I feel like legit, I do think there's a type of like slutty girl that likes Diet Cokes.
55:24 Speaker 01 Hundred percent.
55:24 Speaker 02 It's a cool, they have a cool personality, they're like bubbly, they like, you know what I mean? Pretty good at giving head in my limited experience, so maybe keep, keep crushing these Diet Cokes.
55:33 Speaker 01 Keep crushing those Diet Cokes, baby.
55:34 Speaker 02 They'll make you a fun, light, you know, sexual entity, maybe.
55:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, just fun and light, and, uh, yeah, a little Diet Coke, all Diet soda.
55:42 Speaker 02 The brain-gut connection, huh?
55:44 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm, it's a big thing.
55:45 Speaker 02 That makes sense, because I feel like a lot of people who have bad stomachs are like, you know, they're very antsy, they're very annoying.
55:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:52 Speaker 02 People with like, I feel like hyperactive people have diarrhea a lot.
55:55 Speaker 01 Right. Yeah.
55:57 Speaker 02 And I feel like there are, maybe, maybe that's why like fat people have similar personalities. Cause they have similar.
56:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:02 Speaker 02 They take similar shits. They have similar fucked up stomachs.
56:05 Speaker 01 Sure. You're finding your tribe.
56:06 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
56:07 Speaker 01 You guys gotta, everybody's gotta find their tribe. That's why when I'm having like a really bad day, just eat a little yogurt. Mm hmm. Calms the microbiome, dude.
56:13 Speaker 02 I've crushed yogurt. I mean, Greek yogurt.
56:15 Speaker 01 Dude, let me tell you something. My breakfast almost every morning is a zero percent Fage yogurt.
56:19 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
56:19 Speaker 01 I put a little scoop of Athlean X protein in there. Chocolate coconut. I like chocolate coconut. Put a scoopie whoopee in there.
56:26 Speaker 02 Now, is that, does that, is that one of the brands that has lead in it?
56:29 Speaker 01 No.
56:29 Speaker 02 Cause it doesn't like, no.
56:30 Speaker 01 No, the reason why I like Athlean X is the guy who runs it, uh, Jeff Cavallari is, is awesome. Athlean X is, if you wanna get in shape, one of the best YouTube's you can watch is Athlean X because he's all about the science. It's no, he's like not even trying to sell any bullshit. He's like, I'm, I do things pure. So his, I trust his products the most, Athlean X.
56:51 Speaker 02 And you have done no search? You just trust them?
56:53 Speaker 01 I just blindly trust them because.
56:55 Speaker 02 Yeah. He's just, you wanna have sex with him.
56:57 Speaker 01 And people ask me, why do you blindly trust him? And I said, well, because if you look at his history, you realize at one point he was the personal trainer for the New York Mets. So, if you train the Mets, you're, I'm in. But he is absolutely shredded and ripped and, uh.
57:12 Speaker 02 Chocolate coconut, that's a nice flavor.
57:14 Speaker 01 The chocolate coconut. And then what I do sometimes now that, you know, it was fall festive, I would go, I would, he has a, a French vanilla flavor. And I put a little, one scoop of French vanilla. You ready for this? Here's my breakfast.
57:24 Speaker 02 I'm listening.
57:24 Speaker 01 Little yogurt. So got protein, low saturated fat, good for the cholesterol, high protein. One scoop of French vanilla, Athlean X protein, some pumpkin puree.
57:34 Speaker 02 Ooh.
57:34 Speaker 01 Some cinnamon.
57:35 Speaker 02 Ooh.
57:36 Speaker 01 Little maple syrup, the tiniest bit of maple syrup. And then the, uh, pumpkin flaxseed cereal from Nature's Path. Mix that up, yummy yummy in my tummy.
57:47 Speaker 02 That sounds awesome.
57:47 Speaker 01 And then if, if, if I really wanted, and if I wanted to make that a fat boy special, what I would do is have Jazz make protein pancakes. And I would make that yogurt and then make a little pancake yogurt sandwich.
58:00 Speaker 02 I do that. I saw, I've been doing pumpkin protein pancakes. I'll do pumpkin, uh, egg whites.
58:06 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
58:06 Speaker 02 Um, cottage cheese. And then if I want, I have to do for a similar fall thing, some pumpkin spice. And I put a cinnamon protein in there and it actually is fucking pretty good.
58:17 Speaker 01 It's good, dude. All you need, really, if you can just focus on trying to get the maximal protein. Like for me, when I get, when the reason why, like, when, I mean, when I used to drink a lot too, but also like why I don't have such a fat, puffy face anymore is because the one main thing I changed is when I'm really, really, really like famished, hungry in the middle of the day, rather than eating four slices of pizza, which I would always do just habitually, now I just have a yogurt. And I'm like, it fills me and it's like, not the same as pizza, but at least I'm like, I'm getting cream.
58:47 Speaker 02 Nowhere near this.
58:48 Speaker 01 Getting some type of dairy.
58:50 Speaker 02 What a fucking nutrition hack. You hear that, folks? Instead of four slices of pizza, have a yogurt.
58:58 Speaker 02 That's really helpful advice.
59:00 Speaker 01 And if you guys want, you could put some pepperoni in your yogurt.
59:05 Speaker 02 I do make a Greek yogurt pizza crust.
59:07 Speaker 01 Oh, really?
59:08 Speaker 02 Greek yogurt and dough and flour. And you just fucking bake it and you could, you can make it feel like a pita or like a pizza dough.
59:15 Speaker 01 Interesting.
59:15 Speaker 02 And then I put, uh, I put a little fucking sauce, fat-free cheese, which has a ton of protein. And I do turkey pepperoni. And when I'm fiending for a fucking slice of pizza, I'll do that.
59:26 Speaker 01 Dude, the, the main thing, because I, my cholesterol was 300. It was like so through the, and now I got it all the way down to like 205 or something. And the main thing I did is just changed from Italian food to Greek food. I just literally, every time I wanted Italian, I'd go Greek.
59:37 Speaker 02 Come down, come a little further down the peninsula.
59:39 Speaker 01 Grill chicken, salmon, lemon potatoes, hummus, you know, some veggies, but like, so it's not like, because I think sometimes people don't stick to a diet because like I gotta eat salads and stuff. Like you really actually don't. You just have to eat higher. I mean, you could if you want, but dude, some vet, if some veggies and chicken or salmon and lemon potatoes and a little hummus, I mean, you're still a little bit of a bad boy with the pitas and carbs. But you're not, but you're good, you're better.
1:00:03 Speaker 02 I want to go to like one of those fucking like health clinics. Like, like, uh, everything is like, I don't want, I have no interest in hair plugs. I love, I love being, I think you're a coward if you get hair plugs. You know, I face, I face my mortality head on.
1:00:17 Speaker 01 Hundred percent.
1:00:18 Speaker 02 You know, I'm not a vain coward, but. The idea of going to like Turkey or like Columbia or somewhere where they just have these crazy medical procedures and they just they check everything in your body and they have like a 360 scan. I kinda wanna go do that.
1:00:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:33 Speaker 02 I kinda wanna go like be fully scanned out. I wanna be on like, I want whatever like weird rich guy. I need to talk to Tom because I know he's got weird fucked up medicines.
1:00:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, like I believe like Tom says right now he's doing season two of Bad Thoughts, but he might be like hunting in a human safari.
1:00:51 Speaker 01 You know?
1:00:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:53 Speaker 01 Like he might actually be doing one of like he's in Madagascar right now, human safari.
1:00:57 Speaker 02 Right.
1:00:58 Speaker 01 They, you know, they just, that's what's going on.
1:01:00 Speaker 02 He paid the IDF $500,000 for like eight bazooka shells and they're like, hey, go crazy.
1:01:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, no journalists here, go insane, you know? That might happen.
1:01:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:13 Speaker 02 So there was, do you see that story where they were like, they had, there was some disgusting thing where rich people in the fucking, in like, like during the, I think Yugoslavian civil war? Rich people were literally hunting people for sport. I mean, it's, it's crazy how craven getting that much money makes you.
1:01:29 Speaker 01 That's actually what made me think of the idea to even bring it up because I was thinking about what you were talking. I was thinking about, I had just seen the article in the paper and one of the guys from, you know, Sarajevo or whatever, Sarajevo looked like Tom Segura. It looked like a 1994 Tom Segura. I'm like, yeah.
1:01:45 Speaker 02 That's, it's fucking insane. I hope they track down the people that paid to kill people and just execute them.
1:01:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, and listen dude, here's the thing, as a fan of this show, if you're still interested.
1:01:56 Speaker 02 I have something also to say.
1:01:57 Speaker 01 In-N-Out.
1:02:00 Speaker 01 Dude, so, and that was, and that is, that you, you're, you're constipated.
1:02:06 Speaker 02 Oh, fuck.
1:02:07 Speaker 01 That's, that's a DCF, a Diet Coke fart.
1:02:12 Speaker 01 If you still are here at the end of this hour and, you know, listening to the ads and just seeing, and literally we've spent an hour saying nothing other than promoting human safaris and Ralph and Josh.
1:02:25 Speaker 01 Then you're, you're actually the problem, not us. You need to look at what you're doing. It's not Tom, it's not Bert, it's not me, it's not Stavi. It's you, dude.
1:02:34 Speaker 02 It's you.
1:02:34 Speaker 01 It's you.
1:02:35 Speaker 02 But listen, buy a calendar.
1:02:37 Speaker 01 That's all.
1:02:37 Speaker 02 You know, come see us on the road. Uh, the, the Dreamboat Tour, the final leg is going on, is gonna start up in January.
1:02:45 Speaker 01 Yep.
1:02:45 Speaker 02 We're starting in Florida, we're going all across. Wherever I didn't hit last year, we're gonna hit it now. Stavi.biz. Uh, Chrissy, you're on the road as well.
1:02:53 Speaker 01 Christie Comedy, I have one show in January right now in West Virginia, Charlestown, West Virginia, in a casino.
1:02:59 Speaker 02 Oh, Charlestown Races and Slots.
1:03:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Have you done that casino?
1:03:02 Speaker 02 No, I just, they, that was one of the first casinos near Baltimore, so it was like, I remember the, the advertisement for it.
1:03:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, so I'm doing that. And then, uh, and then I might do a show in Vegas in February. Um, but christiecomedy.com, History Hyenas comes out to you every Thursday. Go to historyhyenasisback.com, History Hyenas on Instagram. And, uh, and yeah, and that's it, man.
1:03:21 Speaker 02 That's gonna do it for us. We'll see you next week. Holiday, it's gonna be, the holidays are getting close, folks. We're, we're gonna be talking, we're gonna be talking Christmas. You know, maybe we'll talk a little New Year's after that.
1:03:33 Speaker 01 Hundred percent.
1:03:33 Speaker 02 It's nice to be here with you, Chrissy. It's nice to be here with you, folks. And, uh, we will see you next week. Bye, bye.
1:03:39 Speaker 01 Bye.
Previous Chris & Stavvy Save Christmas! | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Next New Year New Roast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated