Your Brain on Revenge with Oprah and James Kimmel, Jr.

Is revenge the root of all forms of violence? Oprah sits down with James Kimmel, Jr., a revenge and violence researcher and lecturer in the psychiatry department at the Yale University School of Medicine and the bestselling author of the eye-opening book, The Science of Revenge: Understanding the World’s Deadliest Addiction - and How to Overcome It. From bullying to school and mass shootings to terrorism and even war, James Kimmel Jr’s 20-year research argues that the root cause of all human aggression and violence in the world is the one universal human emotion: revenge. After being bullied as a teenager, James Kimmel, Jr shares the horrific moment he almost became a mass shooter himself, and why that became the catalyst for his life’s work. James Kimmel Jr shares a research study that could reveal just how prone you might be to seeking revenge. He has also created The Non-Justice System & The Miracle Court App, a 5-step scripted virtual courtroom where a person who has been wronged can play all the roles in a simulated trial - victim, defendant, judge, jury, and warden. Oprah and James Kimmel Jr also hear searing stories from the audience including a woman whose neighbor shot and killed her dog, a woman who got revenge on a boyfriend who cheated on her, a wife and mother whose intense revenge addiction landed her in the hospital. And how a mother, who lost her precious 6-year-old son to gun violence at Sandy Hook Elementary, came to forgive her son’s killer. BUY THE BOOK! The Science of Revenge https://amzn.to/4g35d7p 00:00:00 - Welcome James Kimmel, Jr. author of “The Science of Revenge” 00:04:00 - James Kimmel share his story of revenge 00:10:15 - Lawyers sell revenge to the masses 00:13:15 - How revenge is an addiction 00:16:00 - Understanding how revenge leads to crimes 00:17:30 - When revenge becomes addiction 00:27:00 - Woman shares her desire for revenge 00:28:20 - Types of forgiveness 00:37:55 - How can we speed up forgiveness 00:39:30 - How this man resisted getting revenge 00:43:30 - Mother of son killed at Sandy Hook 00:50:50 - Recovering revenge addict 00:57:00 - The motive is revenge 00:59:00 - The power of forgiveness Additional Resources: https://www.revengeanonymous.org The Non-justice System: miraclecourt.com https://www.miraclecourt.com/ What's Your Revenge Score? https://www.jameskimmeljr.com/quiz Connecticut Violence Intervention and Prevention - https://www.ctintervention.org/ Choose Love - https://chooselovemovement.org/ Follow Oprah Winfrey on Social: https://www.instagram.com/oprahpodcast/ https://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey/ Listen to the full podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/0tEVrfNp92a7lbjDe6GMLI https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-oprah-podcast/id1782960381

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Oprah Winfrey?

  Did you have a waiting to exhale moment? You put all his clothes in a pile and burn them?

• 0:03Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:04Oprah Winfrey?

  Oh, you did?

• 0:05Speaker 01

  I did, yes. I took all the clothes I bought him.

• 0:09Oprah Winfrey?

  Listen to you grown up people in here. This young woman, you're applauding her burning up his clothes.

• 0:17Speaker 02

  Perfect illustration of revenge-seeking and revenge addiction. You couldn't control it. Now, let's hear, what were the negative consequences for you?

• 0:27Speaker 01

  None.

• 0:28Speaker 02

  None? Okay. So you're actually here.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Being on the Oprah Podcast.

• 0:38Oprah Winfrey?

  Welcome to the Oprah Podcast. We're in New York City.

• 0:43Oprah Winfrey?

  With an audience of our listeners. And I so appreciate all of you and all of you who tell me that you're getting information, enlightenment from our podcasts. That it's comforting to you. You get a lot of ahahs. I'm so happy. You're gonna have a lot of ahahs today. Because the truth is, we are living in a complicated and complex time. And it is my hope to continue using my life in such a way that we can create conversations that can help you kind of take the lens and zoom out to see the bigger picture of a lot of subjects and zoom in to understand what's really underneath so many of the challenges that we all are facing as humans together here on the planet.

• 1:28Oprah Winfrey?

  And one of the things about the human condition that has always troubled me, and I know many of you here and who are listening and watching us too, is the senseless violence. From domestic violence to school shootings. Remember when Columbine just shocked us? And now, nobody's shocked anymore? To riots and all the way up to war. So, my guest today says, at the root of almost all violence is one universal human condition. I want to know, those of you who don't know what the show's about today, what do you think that condition is? Insecurities. Insecurities. Fear. Definitely. I would also say anger. Anger?

• 2:13Speaker 03

  Hatred.

• 2:14Oprah Winfrey?

  Hatred? Okay? Yes?

• 2:16Speaker 03

  I would say vengefulness or revenge.

• 2:20Oprah Winfrey?

  You win!

• 2:24Oprah Winfrey?

  Actually, I thought all of the answers were appropriate. Did you see the book before? It's the science of revenge. Revenge. He says, you say it's revenge.

• 2:35Speaker 02

  It is revenge, but every person here was right because revenge is always triggered by a grievance, a perception of being wronged or mistreated. And in all of those instances, we're talking about grievances. The grievances flow one direction, and that is to create this motivation and desire to retaliate and hurt the people who hurt you.

• 2:56Oprah Winfrey?

  So, this is James Kimmel Jr., is a revenge and violence researcher and lecturer at the psychiatry department at the Yale School of Medicine. Thank you for coming all the way from Yale today to be with us. And his book is called, I didn't know until I read it. Actually, I read an article that you wrote, and then that prompted me to get the book and ask the producers about, let's do this show, on the science of revenge, because it never occurred to me that there was a science of revenge, understanding the world's deadliest addiction and how to overcome it. And I want to say quickly that when we posted about this particular topic on the Oprah

• 3:36Oprah Winfrey?

  Podcast Instagram page, we received nearly 10 times the response we normally do. So there's a lot of people holding revenge out there. And I'd like to start with your personal story. Tell us how you came to be a scientist of this, to study this, the incident that you experienced as a teenager.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  So when I was a young boy, about 12 years old, my folks moved my brother and I from a suburban home, small suburban home, onto my great-grandfather's farm in central Pennsylvania, which at the time was the most fantastic thing that could ever happen to me as a 12-year-old boy, to be on a farm. But when I got there, one of the things that I first set out to do was to befriend and learn about and hang out with the other kids on the surrounding farms that were at great distances from our farm. And so I reached out to them, and I found pretty quickly that I wasn't welcomed into their community.

• 4:39Speaker 02

  And when they sort of rejected me, my response was to try even harder. The harder I tried, the more they pushed back and the shunning moved on into bullying. And the bullying, as it often starts, it started verbally at first and then that moved on into a much more aggressive form of bullying as we got older. So from age 12 till now, I'm moving into age 16 or 17 even, and this is still going on. And it moved into kind of physical attacks in hallways, getting on and off the bus. You feared them? I feared them. This was just kind of something you had to solve for yourself or just, you know, shut Did you tell your parents? Did you tell your parents? You know, I think a little bit, but there was just sort of a... Yeah.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  That's too bad, that's what happens. And so then what happened? Well, so late one night, my family are asleep. And we were awakened to the sound of a gunshot. And, you know, jumped out of bed, raced outside to look and see what was happening outside our house. And I saw outside a pickup truck that had been owned by the one of the guys who was bullying me speeding away. Okay. And we searched around the house, didn't see any damage, went back to bed. The next morning, one of my jobs was to wake up and go out and take care of all of our animals. The cows, the pigs, and also a sweet little beagle hunting dog that we owned named Paula. And when I went out to feed and water her, I found her lying dead in a pool of blood

• 6:09Speaker 02

  with a bullet hole in her head.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  They had shot her? They shot her. They shot her, yeah. So, my folks called the police. They, you know, they felt bad. They took a report. So about two or three weeks later, I found myself home alone at night. And I heard a vehicle come to a stop in front of our house again. So as I was getting up to look outside and see what was going on, I saw this pickup truck, the same one. And then there was a flash and an explosion. And the pickup truck took off down the road again. And our mailbox had blown up. And with that explosion went the rest of my self-control. After all of these years, I ran and I grabbed a loaded revolver from my dad's nightstand.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  And I tore off after these guys. I jumped in my mother's car. And I'm flying down the road in the middle of the night, just shouting in rage at the top of my lungs to try and catch up with them. How old are you? I'm about 16 or 17. Okay. So I do catch up with them. And I cornered them by a barn. And so the scene is their pickup truck is sort of pointed into their barn wall. My vehicle's behind theirs. I have my brake beams on. And I see three or four heads in the window of the pickup truck. Backs of heads. And they slowly start to get out. And they're turning around and they're squinting through my headlights to see who had just come flying down their one-lane country road.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  And what was clear to me in that moment was that they were unarmed. None of them had a weapon in their hands. Maybe they had weapons in the truck, but not in their hands. The other thing that was clear to me is they couldn't have known that I was armed. And they wouldn't have necessarily known who I was. They might have recognized my mother's car, but there's no way for me to know. So I knew at that moment I had the complete element of surprise. And it would be a pretty safe and fast path to doing what I wanted to do. And what did you want to do? Finally. Shoot them all? Shoot them all. Which was finally to balance the scales. Yeah. On, you know, five years of abuse and the murder of my dog and our mailbox and all the humiliation.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  So I opened the door and I grabbed that gun from the passenger seat. And I, you know, put my leg through the door and I started getting out. And at the last second, I had this very brief insight that if I went through with what I wanted to do, the guy who drove down that road that night would not be the same guy who drove back. It would be an irreparable and life-changing moment for me.

• 8:47Oprah Winfrey?

  And that's just a split second?

• 8:48Speaker 02

  It was a split second that I almost like saw into my future for just a second. And there wasn't a lot of debate, there wasn't a lot of insight. It was just, that will be, you will have to know yourself as a murderer if you survive. If you survive. And that was just enough at that last second to cause me to pull my leg back inside the car and put the gun down because I had known at that, at that moment, I was, I wanted revenge badly, but I just wasn't willing to pay that high of a price to get it.

• 9:18Oprah Winfrey?

  For the revenge?

• 9:19Speaker 02

  For the revenge.

• 9:20Oprah Winfrey?

  But did they at least see you with the gun?

• 9:24Speaker 02

  Good question.

• 9:27Oprah Winfrey?

  Did they know that-

• 9:28Speaker 02

  I don't think so. I didn't brandish it.

• 9:30Oprah Winfrey?

  Did they know little James Kimmel was packing?

• 9:35Oprah Winfrey?

  I mean...

• 9:37Oprah Winfrey?

  So did they, did they continue to harass you after that?

• 9:40Speaker 02

  So-

• 9:41Oprah Winfrey?

  Or did the harassment change in your mind?

• 9:43Speaker 02

  No, I, um, in a pretty amazing way, the abuse stopped that night. Maybe because they recognized that as potentially my mother's car. Maybe they thought my mother had chased them down the road. Maybe they realized that they had pushed things so far that they themselves were within two seconds like I was-

• 10:04Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 10:05Speaker 02

  Of, of changing their lives. But it stopped. There was no exchange of words, and I, and I know I didn't forgive them either.

• 10:14Oprah Winfrey?

  You didn't forgive them?

• 10:15Speaker 02

  I did not forgive them. I drove home wanting revenge even more, but just going, but not at that price.

• 10:21Oprah Winfrey?

  But not the price.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  Not the price.

• 10:22Oprah Winfrey?

  And then you ended up becoming a lawyer, and you described lawyers as, as selling revenge to the masses.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:32Oprah Winfrey?

  Isn't that good, y'all? I know y'all, y'all are my people. I know you'd love that. You are selling revenge to the masses. I just, I love the candor of that, the honesty of that.

• 10:45Speaker 02

  It is true. I mean, we sell legalized form of revenge, and I was selling revenge, legalized revenge, which we sell under the brand name Justice. Just the way that doctors, you know, are selling opioids under the, you know, the name OxyContin, then that's okay. But if you sold it in the, under the name heroin, you could not do that. That would be illegal. And so lawyers are kind of engaged in a similar addictive process, and it's highly lucrative, right? So we sell this.

• 11:18Oprah Winfrey?

  Selling revenge to the masses.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  And we make the legal profession. I'm talking about, we make a lot of money in that exchange.

• 11:26Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, so this is what you write in the introduction to the book. You say, revenge is the author of tragedy and the destroyer of peace and happiness. It is the root motivation behind most forms of human aggression and violence, including intimate partner violence, youth violence and bullying, street and gang violence, mass shootings, riots, police brutality, arson, violent extremism, terrorism, genocide and war. Revenge destroys individuals, families, romantic relationships, fortunes, communities, nations and empires. And yet, we want revenge when we've been physically or emotionally harmed.

• 12:11Oprah Winfrey?

  So why is it that we want to hurt the people who hurt us? That's a brain thing, right?

• 12:18Speaker 02

  That is a brain thing. It's an evolutionary thing, actually, is where it starts. But that is resident in your brain. I mean, primarily, it's human beings that have this intense desire to hurt the people who hurt us or their proxies. It turns out that revenge-seeking is not only focused on the targeted person who wronged you. You may target someone else that's a much easier to get target.

• 12:43Oprah Winfrey?

  That's what people end up doing.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Still getting revenge. And that's what they do.

• 12:45Oprah Winfrey?

  That's what they end up doing. You write that your intention over the course of this book that you've written, The Signs of Revenge, is to convince us that compulsive revenge-seeking is an addiction and a brain disease, and that it matters. Now, I read, I read the book and I'm like, is it an addiction? Or is it just you, you become obsessed with it? I mean, why do you think it's a disease?

• 13:10Speaker 02

  Because it is, it meets all the criteria of addiction. So the neuroscience, so for the last 20 years.

• 13:17Oprah Winfrey?

  Because your brain looks the same way. The brain on revenge, seeking revenge is the same as a brain on drugs.

• 13:24Speaker 02

  It look, in brain scans, your brain on revenge actually looks like your brain on drugs. So a grievance, as I said at the beginning, is the activating switch. It is the cue. It is the triggering event. When you feel wronged, you experience deep psychological pain inside your brain and that activates the brain's pain network, the anterior insula.

• 13:47Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 13:47Speaker 02

  So deeper, deeper. It activates that pain network. And your brain doesn't like pain. And it wants pleasure to rebalance itself and cover up that pain.

• 13:57Oprah Winfrey?

  That's why the woman who said anger or rage or, that is also true, that something is ignited in there with the rage and the anger and the fear. And it changes your brain?

• 14:12Speaker 02

  It activates inside your brain the pain network and the brain wants pleasure. And to get pleasure, it activates the pleasure and reward circuitry of addiction, the go circuitry. The very same part of your brain, the nucleus accumbens and dorsal striatum, that activate for drug addicts when they feel anxiety or see a place where they've taken drugs and begin to start to want or crave the narcotic of their choice. This happens with people who have been wronged and want revenge of their choice.

• 14:44Oprah Winfrey?

  And you say researchers haven't found a close relationship, actually, between serious mental illness and violence or mass murder. Everybody always wants to say the person is a monster. They did this because they were a monster, because they were mentally ill. But research hasn't actually proven that to be true.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  The reason for that, though, is the question is somewhat put wrongly. Do people who commit acts of violence have a mental illness? Most of the time, the research has shown that's not the case. People with serious mental illnesses even are not at a significantly higher risk of committing acts of violence than the rest of us. But the issue is, what do you define as a serious mental illness? And that definition is very narrowly written in the magic, most important book for doctors in how to diagnose mental illnesses, which is called the 1,000-page Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the DSM, sure you're familiar with, a lot of people are.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  And in the DSM, serious mental illnesses are things like schizophrenia and severe bipolar disorder, severe depression. Those do not drive violence. But what is missing from the DSM is the desire for revenge that it becomes compulsive and addictive. That is, an addictive meaning-

• 15:58Oprah Winfrey?

  Because a person then can't stop thinking about it. They just can't stop thinking about it. They are driven by... Anybody relate to what we're talking about here? Like, you just can't think about it. So, the science of revenge, you say about your research, and I just want to make you all aware of this, that Mr. Kimmel is saying, "We're not doing this to excuse or justify the crimes of mass murderers. We're doing it to understand how their real and imagined grievances are converted inside their brains and into the desire to kill large numbers of people so we can prevent such crimes in the future." So how do we then use this knowledge, the science of revenge, to prevent violence?

• 16:43Speaker 02

  So we use it by understanding that... So, let me put it this way. Almost 100% of people want revenge when they've been wronged. If you do a study of a group of people and say if you had any recent revenge desires, almost 100% will say yes. But when you ask the question, have you acted on those revenge desires? Only about 20% of the people say yes. And that 20% is an important number because that's about the same number of people who try alcohol or narcotics who become actually addicted to alcohol and narcotics. So 80% of people who try narcotics do not become addicts. They're able to control and it doesn't become a compulsive behavior for them. It doesn't ruin their lives. Only about 20% experience that. And that seems to be the case. It hasn't been fully studied yet for revenge.

• 17:28Speaker 02

  But that same number seems to be the number of people who move on to an addictive state of revenge seeking. And let me explain what that means. It's very simple. Addiction can generally be thought of as an inability to resist a craving or a desire despite the negative consequences.

• 17:49Speaker 02

  And revenge just fits that to a T.

• 17:52Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, but you were able to do that. You were able to recognize in that moment with the gun, the negative consequences and put the gun down.

• 17:59Speaker 02

  That's correct.

• 18:00Oprah Winfrey?

  But somebody who has been obsessed with revenge may not recognize the consequences or is willing to pay the price for those.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  Which is to accept the negative consequences. They think they're willing in the moment. So there's another part of your brain, the last part of your brain that's relevant to this whole thing is your prefrontal cortex, right where you were pointing. That's the one that needs to be active and available to you to stop you from doing things that hurt yourself or other people. If that area isn't, if it's been inhibited or hijacked as it is in addiction, then you actually have an addictive process. If it's working, you only have revenge desires. And as I said, we've all evolved to have them. That's perfectly normal. That's not the disease part. The disease part is when it becomes compulsive and you can't control it and it's hurting you or other people.

• 18:49Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, listeners, time for a quick break. Up next, a research study that could reveal just how prone you might be to seeking revenge. Plus, their neighbor's anger turned deadly. Would you want revenge? That's next.

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• 19:35Oprah Winfrey?

  We're back on the Oprah Podcast with James Kimmel Jr. He's a revenge and violence researcher and lecturer in the psychiatry department at the Yale School of Medicine. His book is called The Science of Revenge. When I first started reading your book, I was thinking, well, I'm not a person who holds revenges. I can't think of anybody I really would want to have revenge against. And then I read this story, the story of Billy who was keeping the dog, okay? And the woman went away, and she comes back and the dog. Will you share that story with our audience?

• 20:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a story that we use to conduct research on this non-justice system forgiveness process that I've developed at Yale. And it's a way that we teach people about revenge-seeking. So it's the grievance story, and as I said, with revenge-seeking, it always starts with a real or imagined perception of having been mistreated, treated unjustly, or victimized. And in the Billy story, for instance, in the book, I invite everyone that reads it to experience what our study participants did during our studies at Yale. You go through the story in which you own a dog. Imagine that you own a dog. You were called away for a weekend, and you have to entrust the dog to someone, and you entrust it to your neighbor. And your neighbor says, great, I'll take care of it.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  You come back, the dog's missing, and you go to your neighbor Billy and say, hey, you know, where's my dog? And Billy says, I'm sorry that, you know, he ran away while, well, you were gone, but I'll help you look for it.

• 21:03Oprah Winfrey?

  You are mad at Billy.

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:05Oprah Winfrey?

  Aren't you mad at Billy?

• 21:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:07Oprah Winfrey?

  But do you want revenge against Billy in that moment?

• 21:08Speaker 02

  No, not yet, no.

• 21:09Oprah Winfrey?

  I'm asking them.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  I'm sorry.

• 21:13Oprah Winfrey?

  You're mad at Billy, right? You're like, and you're also mad at yourself because you would have thought, "Why did I leave that dog with Billy? And I trusted Billy." So you're upset with Billy, but you don't yet have revenge with Billy. Continue.

• 21:26Speaker 02

  That's a great, it's a great insight.

• 21:28Oprah Winfrey?

  Thank you.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Thank you, Ms. Winfrey.

• 21:30Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 21:32Speaker 02

  But he says, "But I'm willing to help you to find your dog. Your dog's name is Harley." So you and Billy start looking around for Harley, put up posters. Harley doesn't appear. Two weeks pass. But then you learn from Billy's friend.

• 21:44Oprah Winfrey?

  Billy comes, friend comes knocking on your door.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  The friend comes knocking on your door.

• 21:48Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  He's just kind of like drunk or high, and he knocks on your door, and he says, "Hey, you know, can you get me a bait dog like you did for Billy?" And you're like, "What do you mean, a bait dog? What is that? And why would I get you one?" And this guy, Sean is his name, reveals that Billy and Sean are part of a dogfighting ring. And that they use weak scrawny dogs like your dog, unfortunately.

• 22:19Oprah Winfrey?

  Harley.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  To train this massive killer dog, King, how to become a very dominant and lethal dogfighter. And they did that with Harley, your dog. And King killed Harley, and they threw Harley in a dumpster. And...

• 22:41Oprah Winfrey?

  Now how you feeling about Billy?

• 22:42Speaker 02

  How do you feeling about him now?

• 22:44Oprah Winfrey?

  How you feeling about Billy? So now you go to Billy, so, but now how are you feeling about Billy? Billy's gotta go. Billy's gotta go.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  Billy's gotta go.

• 22:54Oprah Winfrey?

  All right, so you got your feelings about Billy, and now she goes to Billy. Again.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  Now she goes to Billy and confronts him and says, "Did you, you know, did you do this to Harley?" And he denies it at first. You persist. You ask him again and again, "What happened?"

• 23:10Oprah Winfrey?

  She's making you madder and madder.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  And we say "she," but it's you. I mean, it's in the story, you play the role of this dog owner. And eventually he confesses. He says he did it. He has no apology at all. He's happy about it. And he threatens you if you go to the cops.

• 23:29Oprah Winfrey?

  So what do you do?

• 23:31Oprah Winfrey?

  You go to the cops. You say you still go to the cops. And how does this help us acknowledge or acknowledge our sense of revenge or our desire to have revenge, this story?

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, so in the next step of the trial now, now that you this is a way to infect an entire group of people, as we've done just here, with the same shared grievance, so that we're not all in our own heads with our own personal grievances, but now we have one grievance. We all know what it is and we all want revenge for it. But we all, you'll experience, if we had the time, we'd find that different people want different forms of revenge, different forms of punishment, different forms of justice. But some of us want the ultimate. Some of us want Billy torn to shreds. I've done this with a room of over 100 psychiatrists over at the Javits Center in New York City during a convention, and almost the entire room wanted Billy, as a punishment,

• 24:29Speaker 02

  to be put in a cage and torn to shreds by dogs.

• 24:32Oprah Winfrey?

  These are the people who should have thought through it.

• 24:34Speaker 02

  To make you feel it.

• 24:37Oprah Winfrey?

  These are the people who are supposed to help you think through your issues. And they all want Billy in the cage, torn to shreds. Really? That really surprised me.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  Because it's a natural, it's an intense and natural emotion. And then I would go through the steps of putting Billy on trial. So it developed, and we've tested at Yale, this non-justice system or Miracle Court approach. You can all try it on an app. It's a free app called the Miracle Court app, available at miraclecourt.com. And it allows you to put anyone on trial who's ever wronged you, whether they're dead or alive, whether they're here or not.

• 25:13Oprah Winfrey?

  And it's called the non-justice?

• 25:15Speaker 02

  The non-justice system, but it's the Miracle Court app.

• 25:18Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  And it's a role-play trial in which you can put anyone on trial who's ever wronged you, but you play during this trial all the roles. So you testify as the victim, but then you also testify as the perpetrator, the defendant. You become the judge and jury, deciding guilt or innocence and the punishment. And then in the last step, you're given the opportunity to become the judge of your own self and decide for yourself whether getting this form of justice, which you craved so badly, is making you feel better or worse, and whether there might be a stronger response that could actually heal you. And the good news of the research that has happened over the last 20 years that I talk about in the book is that just as

• 26:02Speaker 02

  we are hardwired to get revenge, we are also hardwired to heal ourselves through the process of forgiveness. When you even imagine forgiveness, you shut down that pain network rather than covering it up with a dopamine hit and you reactivate your prefrontal cortex. Forgiveness, it turns out, is a wonder drug or a human superpower that we don't really even know almost anything about, and we've dismissed it and thought of it as something that's soft and something that is revictimizing. And none of this is true. Forgiveness benefits you as the victim. It's the only powerful way to self-heal.

• 26:41Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, I have been saying this for years, that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different, that I understand that forgiveness is the path forward. But I know a lot of people are still stuck in that forgiveness means I let you off the hook.

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:57Oprah Winfrey?

  And that's why it's so hard to do. Because I don't want Billy left off the hook at this point. I don't. I want him to suffer in some way. I don't want to put him in a cage and see him pull the shreds. But I feel like there should be karmic justice somehow. Okay. Anna is here. You can relate to this story. So what happened, Anna?

• 27:18Speaker 07

  So my neighbor actually shot my dog. And for a whole week, we did not know what happened to the dog.

• 27:28Oprah Winfrey?

  Oh, my God, that looks like my dog Luke. It's a white golden.

• 27:34Speaker 07

  She was a Great Pyrenees.

• 27:36Oprah Winfrey?

  Oh, my God.

• 27:37Speaker 07

  She was the nicest dog ever. She wandered onto his property because he was building a garage. And she did not do anything. She sniffed the ground, literally, and he shot her. And we had this on a camera. So we were able to see where it came from. And it was horrible. We were very scared that he is going to come and shoot us.

• 28:02Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 28:03Speaker 07

  Next. And we have young kids, and it was very stressful. And we definitely had bad thoughts

• 28:12Oprah Winfrey?

  Mm hmm.

• 28:14Speaker 07

  towards him. But we would never act on them. We wanted justice, whatever that means. We pursued at least that he was, you know, shamed and known for what he has done to us.

• 28:27Oprah Winfrey?

  But I hear you and your husband can't get over the desire for revenge. I understand that. I would feel the same way about my dogs.

• 28:34Speaker 07

  We loved the dog and it was so senseless. You know, he never apologized. And I think that's a part of it. It seems like-

• 28:42Oprah Winfrey?

  But even if he apologized, what would that do?

• 28:45Speaker 07

  Maybe, you know, he would seem more human. Like he understood that what he did was wrong. But we never got that sense.

• 28:53Oprah Winfrey?

  That he even cared that he did it?

• 28:55Speaker 07

  Yes, exactly.

• 28:56Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, just like the boys who shot his dog.

• 28:58Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 28:59Oprah Winfrey?

  They didn't care. They didn't care. And so when you come to this point of forgiveness, is it that you must accept the fact that he didn't care? He shot the dog and he didn't care.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  You don't even need to come to that acceptance. What you need to do with forgiveness, there are two types. There's a decisional forgiveness and there's emotional. That's the more involved and complex where you're trying to repair a relationship. So with decisional forgiveness, the easier one, it's something that you do internally to yourself. And when you do this, it, as I say, it shuts down the painful grievance that you've held. It shuts the pain from it. It doesn't eliminate it. You're gonna remember. But it, when it shuts that down and it shuts down the craving and reward circuitry, it begins to free you from the past. Now, I think I understand from your story, please correct me if I'm wrong, but you still live next to this person.

• 29:54Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  That is, that is incredibly difficult. And I would recommend moving as fast as I could. I mean, I had the fortune of moving, you know, when my dog was lost, I probably had to spend a year or two more. And then I, you know, went off to college. But being, have to be, having to live in close proximity to a person who's done something so heinous to you is going to be a daily- You know, triggering event almost for you.

• 30:24Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, I think the point that you that you were making earlier and that you make over and over again in the science of revenge is that you forgive for yourself, but this idea of having to feel like you're letting that guy off the hook doesn't feel right, does it?

• 30:44Speaker 07

  No.

• 30:44Oprah Winfrey?

  No, it doesn't.

• 30:45Speaker 07

  No. I mean, I think it was a decision.

• 30:49Oprah Winfrey?

  But can you let it go for yourself?

• 30:50Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 30:51Oprah Winfrey?

  But you can do it for yourself. That's why you would do it. So I think that process of non-justice.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:57Oprah Winfrey?

  Going through the trial in your own mind and playing every single part of the trial. And what does that actually do to your brain?

• 31:04Speaker 02

  So what that's doing for you when you go through that is it does a lot of things that are necessary for all forms of trauma recovery and PTSD. So it gives you it gives you several things. It gives you, one, is an opportunity to be heard. One of the things that we want after we've been traumatized is we want to be heard. We want to share our story and we want to be validated that this terrible thing happened to me. And if you can't get that...

• 31:27Oprah Winfrey?

  So who are you telling the story to? You're telling it to yourself?

• 31:29Speaker 02

  But you're telling it to yourself and you might go, well, that seems so ineffective and wasteful, but it's it's not. And here's here's why. Because you are seeking justice for something that doesn't exist in this world. You don't need a courtroom that's built of stone and judges that aren't you and lawyers that aren't you. What you really need is to go inside your head where the pain lives and attack it at its root. And when you do that, and that's what we've been able to show in our studies, when you go inside of your head and you have this trial, it would be really great if we could actually illustrate a trial.

• 32:02Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 32:03Speaker 02

  People feel it. They feel that they're testifying in a court. And in truth, in the criminal and legal civil justice systems, trials rarely happen. I mean, a very small fraction of the total number of crimes that are committed and civil cases that are filed actually go to a trial. So you're never getting that anyway. And hoping for that is a fruitless hope. But here, we can actually give you the trial that you want. And when you experience that... You do get to be heard, but you get more than to be heard. Then you get to hold to account. And holding to account is not the same as revenge. When you hold someone to account, you're identifying them as the person who did the wrong.

• 32:46Speaker 02

  And that's why I pointed out, she's still living with the problem. And that's why I said, my strongest recommendation would be to move away as fast as I could from that situation, if you possibly can, to eliminate the pain unless you've gotten to a place of comfort where you can live side by side with this person who wronged you. No.

• 33:03Speaker 07

  I mean, we built a fence, which we were against.

• 33:07Speaker 02

  Helpful.

• 33:07Speaker 07

  But we built a fence so at least we don't have to see him on a daily basis. And I refuse to allow him to, you know, control my sense of comfort and my sense of safety and move.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  And that is such a strong personality trait. A lot of people couldn't do that. And I just, that's fantastic. I really, that's a great.

• 33:30Oprah Winfrey?

  I respect your right to do that. Okay.

• 33:35Oprah Winfrey?

  We're coming right back after a short break. What if you found out that your partner was cheating on you? Would you get revenge? Would you want revenge? Well, meet a woman who says she was so out of her mind that she took revenge to the next level. This is a wild story. Next.

• 33:52Speaker 08

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• 34:20Oprah Winfrey?

  Thanks for joining me here and welcome back. We're talking about The Science of Revenge by Yale researcher James Kimmel Jr. He's giving us plenty to think about our own desires for revenge. Let's get back to it. So we have more people in our audience who are struggling with their craving for revenge. Courtney?

• 34:38Speaker 01

  I'm a flight attendant, so I travel a lot for work. I was in a relationship for the past year and a half. We decided to move in together in February. I was moving into his house. I came home two weeks ago to an empty house. He told me he was marrying an ex-girlfriend. And something inside of me just was, it just, it didn't feel right. So I went to the laptop, his laptop, and I looked through his email. I didn't see anything at first, but I discovered Uber receipts. And then I cross-checked it with my schedule. Every time I was on a layover, every time I was on a girl's trip, he was at this address. Thanks to Google, you can see who owns its public knowledge.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  And I saw that it was his ex-girlfriend's place. So, yeah.

• 35:27Oprah Winfrey?

  Got the receipts.

• 35:30Oprah Winfrey?

  Sister girl got all the receipts. You are ready. Okay, all right, you're qualified. We see, you got the receipts.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  So I went over there. Within 15 minutes, he was coming out of her house. So when we got to the house, he tried to lock me out. It got into a very heated argument. I decided to kind of just tear up the place because I was paying for everything for the last six months. He was unemployed. I was taking care of him. I was taking care of all the bills. I was just working so hard at a job that I don't necessarily love. And what was me?

• 36:04Oprah Winfrey?

  Did you have a waiting-to-exhale moment? You put all his clothes in a pile and burn them?

• 36:08Speaker 01

  I did.

• 36:09Oprah Winfrey?

  Oh, you did?

• 36:09Speaker 01

  I did.

• 36:10Oprah Winfrey?

  You did?

• 36:10Speaker 01

  I did, yes. I took all the clothes I bought him.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  I did.

• 36:18Oprah Winfrey?

  Listen to you grown-up people in here.

• 36:22Oprah Winfrey?

  This young woman, you're applauding her burning up his clothes. I had an incident like this in my 20s. I didn't burn him. I dropped him off at every bus stop in Baltimore. I went from one bus stop. So I know this feeling.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  That's what makes me feel so much better.

• 36:37Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, I know this, I know this feeling. It means you are out of control.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was out of control.

• 36:43Oprah Winfrey?

  The moment you get in the car and you go to look to see where he is, you should be checking yourself in somewhere. That's what I learned for myself.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:50Oprah Winfrey?

  That's the moment you should be turning your own self in.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I already knew that. So I did, I tore the house up. I took everything I bought him, his clothes.

• 36:59Oprah Winfrey?

  Didn't you put out posters too?

• 37:01Speaker 01

  I did, I put out posters with his face on. I made posters. It said...

• 37:10Oprah Winfrey?

  This is a cheater. Okay, okay. So you burned up the clothes. You put posters out all over the community. You put posters out all over the community. And did you feel any better?

• 37:23Speaker 01

  While I was doing it, I felt exhilarated. I felt, especially when I got back into his building and I was like right by his door and I was like, and I ran away and I was like in a little ninja blacked out outfit. Yeah, it was exhilarating. It's an addiction. Yeah, now looking back, I don't feel great about my decisions, but also like he destroyed my life and that's a little get back.

• 37:49Oprah Winfrey?

  What you want to say to that, doctor?

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Perfect illustration of revenge-seeking and revenge addiction. You couldn't control it. Now, let's hear, what were the negative consequences for you of doing all of that?

• 38:05Speaker 01

  None.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  None? Okay. So you had zero?

• 38:09Speaker 01

  You're on the Oprah Podcast. Yeah.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  I mean, no, I went to the doctor. I'm on anxiety medicine now. I have just riddled with anxiety, just ruminating and how my life got here and...

• 38:26Speaker 02

  And he's still living rent-free in your head, right?

• 38:30Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 38:31Oprah Winfrey?

  Whoa, James called it.

• 38:37Speaker 09

  He's broke, unemployed, and awful. Thank goodness.

• 38:40Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, and you will. You're still very young. I've been where you are, holding on to the bumper of a Datsun Z. Okay? I know, it's embarrassing. And holding on to the bumper of a Datsun Z, dropping off the clothes at every different bus stop in Baltimore. And then you realize, and then one day in my 40s, I was in the closet crying for that woman.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 39:03Oprah Winfrey?

  Crying for the woman who was so sad and pathetic that you thought you needed that person to make your life full.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:13Oprah Winfrey?

  So that is my prayer for you.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 39:15Oprah Winfrey?

  That you get to the point where you are not crying over him. That you shed happy tears, that you've evolved into the woman that you know you deserve to be, and that you have somebody who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, and that you are the master of your own fate and the captain of your own soul, and you're not depending on somebody else to give that to you. Yes. That's what this is here to show you. This isn't even about him. This isn't even about him. This is all about where you are in this moment. But you will get there. You will get there. You will get there.

• 39:55Speaker 02

  So, and the question is, can we get you there faster? And one of the ways of doing that, one of the most powerful and direct ways, is to forgive it as fast as you can. Because to forgive it is to move him out of living inside your head, and to leave him in the past and in the dust. And so, the question is, is can we speed that process along and make it easier for people? And when you go through all of the five steps of this process, you get that result. You get to experience what I call methadone for a revenge addict, which is you get to really imagine and experience what it's like to do the things you really want to do to him, and punish those, and then go, is that even that, kicking him out of my head?

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Is that making me feel better? And the truth is, you would find, if we went through this process, it isn't. And you would end up 24, what did you say, 40 years later?

• 40:50Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 02

  Still.

• 40:52Oprah Winfrey?

  Not 40 years.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Well, 20, 40, 60, 80, I didn't go to 80.

• 40:59Oprah Winfrey?

  Okay, good, good. In my 40s. Yes.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  In your 40s.

• 41:05Oprah Winfrey?

  In my 40s, I came to.

• 41:06Speaker 02

  But he was still there. You hadn't, you hadn't completed the process.

• 41:09Oprah Winfrey?

  Oh, yeah, I had. I'd let him go, but what I, I read across all the letters I'd written to him and didn't send him, and then that. So, I realized, oh, that was never even about him. That was about where I was. It wasn't about him. It was about me. Thanks for listening. We have to take a break. Up next, maybe like me, you're wondering if the root of all violence we see in the world comes from revenge. What are we to do? James shares the antidote for revenge. He says the good news is, it is free and everybody can access it. I'm back with Yale researcher James Kimmel Jr. If you're learning as much as I am about the science of revenge, you can go ahead and share this link to this episode with somebody you think may be stuck

• 41:53Oprah Winfrey?

  in thoughts of revenge. James writes about a man named Leonard who was suffering from revenge but was able to hit the stop button. What happened, Leonard?

• 42:03Speaker 10

  My parents moved up from Georgia to New Haven, Connecticut to escape the South. They were sharecroppers. But they said when the youngest child graduates, they were going to move back. So I was 17 years old, made plans to move back to Georgia. And my older sister was dating a man, and she said, you know, get your stuff right if you're coming with us. He wasn't taking those steps, and he knew that she was going to leave him. So he went to her job. He was high to harm my sister. And so it snowed that day, so I went to pick up my mother from work. So when we got back to my house, the police were there. They said, get to the hospital. And so walking to Yale, New Haven Hospital, the surgeon comes out and he says, your sister was stabbed 20 times.

• 42:48Oprah Winfrey?

  Whoa.

• 42:49Speaker 10

  So I don't know if she's going to live or die, but I got to get back in there. I turned around and walked away. You know, I was a good kid. I was in the church and everything. But at that moment, me and my cousins went to the street looking for the guy. And then ultimately, I went back and a police officer, not even then he went to hospital. He says, Leonard. I said, yes, sir. And he said, your sister's going to live. She has a punctured lung. And I said, phew. So he said, where's the gun? So I just put my head down. And he said, did you use it? I said, no, sir. He said, did you use? I said, no, sir. He said, put it in the wheel well of my car up in the garage and walk away. And so I did that. He says, you're a good kid. Don't trade places with him.

• 43:32Speaker 10

  So unbeknownst to me, after he stabbed my sister, he cut his wrist and laid down next to her. So he was up in the hospital anyway, under police guard, but no one told us anything. And so I risked a lot that day, you know, looking for him, trying to harm people, trying to kill him. He was already in the hospital.

• 43:49Oprah Winfrey?

  But when the police officer said that your sister had lived, though, didn't that change something in your head?

• 43:56Speaker 10

  It did. Not only that, that cop was great. He says, if you're so protective of your family, be protective of your mother right now and go comfort your mother. Number one. But the big thing he said that day was, do you have to kill him today?

• 44:15Oprah Winfrey?

  Wow.

• 44:16Speaker 10

  Can you wait? And so that gave me a time to deescalate, you know, to calm down and then to comfort my mother. So, um, so that's something that I took and something I learned and that I use today, you know, in the work that I do.

• 44:29Oprah Winfrey?

  Really? What is the work that you do?

• 44:31Speaker 10

  At that time, I did go to college, worked in a prison. I became chief probation officer, retired after 25 years. And my specialties are working with violent offenders and youthful offenders. And so I'm a football coach, I'm a foster dad. And I started a nonprofit in 2018, working with violent offenders and working with youth ages 13 to 24, shooters, so-called gang members, and also victims of community violence also. So we have the nonprofit going in New Haven, Connecticut.

• 45:00Oprah Winfrey?

  And have you used that line that the police officer used with you? Do you have to do it today?

• 45:04Speaker 10

  Absolutely. We respond to the hospital after community violence when, you know, a lot of times, you know, we go to the hospital, the family's down there, their friends are down there, everyone's emotional. And they want to get back. And then that coupled with substance abuse, you know, when, you know, height, you know, emotions are heightened. And that's, I always use that, you know, I'm gonna get him, I'm gonna get him. And I said, listen, do you have to do it today? Can you calm down? Can you talk to your friends? Can you go comfort mom? You know, the children, you know, the mother. You know, can you talk to them, you know, right now? Comfort them. Right now, it's not about you. Can you comfort them? But just give it a little bit of time. And usually, that's how we cut down on a lot of our response.

• 45:47Oprah Winfrey?

  Wow. You have to do it today.

• 45:53Oprah Winfrey?

  In the book, The Science of Revenge, James writes about, thank you so much for sharing that story, Leonard. Wow. In the book, James writes about Scarlett, a mother who lost her precious six-year-old son Jesse to gun violence. Jesse was one of the 20 children killed during the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. And Scarlett is here. Scarlett, I read, you have forgiven the killer. I have.

• 46:19Oprah Winfrey?

  What was that process for you?

• 46:21Speaker 11

  Well, actually, I was introduced to James by Dan Jewis, who was one of the lead investigators of the Sandy Hook tragedy.

• 46:29Oprah Winfrey?

  Hi, Dan.

• 46:31Speaker 11

  But it was amazing. And, yes, I forgave Adam Lanza. He was the former student of Sandy Hook, who came back to the same elementary school that he attended and perpetrated the crime. There were several reasons. I mean, I have a strong faith, and I grew up understanding that you forgive, so you're forgiven. So, right off the bat, I was thinking about it. But, you know, I was a single mom. I was the only single mom out of all the parents. And I had a 12-year-old son, Jesse's older brother. So I knew that I was modeling for him, how to move through this. And I wanted to do it with strength and grace.

• 47:08Oprah Winfrey?

  You were able to forgive immediately?

• 47:11Speaker 11

  I knew that somebody that could do something so heinous must have been in a tremendous amount of pain. They, actually, the town brought, one of the trauma specialists brought a mom who had experienced losing her son to violence 20 years prior. And at the time, I thought I was gonna die. It was a few days after. And I was in so much pain that I remember looking at my arm, thinking, "I can't believe there's blood running through it. I just feel like I'm gonna vanish." And so I was really interested in this woman that they brought in. She came into the room, and I remember thinking, "She's 20 years out. I'm gonna live."

• 47:56Speaker 11

  And that was where I started. And then she started telling me about her life over those 20 years. And it wasn't, it was filled with revenge, anger, hatred towards the person that had caused the harm. And I thought, actually, I said, within about five minutes, I put my hand up, and I said, "Thank you so much for coming in and letting me know that I'm gonna live. I appreciate it." But in my mind, I thought, "That is not gonna be my life. I want to go on to have joy." And I realized... No one's going to bring in a roadmap for me and say, oh, you want joy?

• 48:40Speaker 11

  Then you have to make a left at gratitude and a right at forgiveness. That it was going to be my choices from that moment forward that would determine my future. And I could have any future that I wanted. And I wanted joy. So I just started choosing and forgiveness was the most powerful choice that I made in that moment towards my own personal healing and setting an example for my son.

• 49:06Oprah Winfrey?

  Wow.

• 49:09Oprah Winfrey?

  Unbelievable. You're walking the walk. You're walking, you're walking the walk. You believe James's work is the breakthrough that we've been waiting for. How so?

• 49:20Speaker 11

  I absolutely do because I've dedicated my life now. You know, when, when your six-year-old son, you find out afterwards, has saved nine of his classmates' lives before losing his own. It is a huge motivator.

• 49:38Oprah Winfrey?

  Did you tell her that, Dan? Is that, is that what was part of your research?

• 49:41Speaker 12

  That's what we found out.

• 49:42Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 49:42Speaker 11

  Yeah.

• 49:43Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah. Tell, tell us about that. That, what, what Jesse had done, yes.

• 49:47Speaker 12

  So Jesse was in the first classroom that Adam Lanza went in. They were still at their seats. They were caught by surprise. And from the information we have that before Jesse was shot, he was able to tell his classmates to run. And nine of his classmates were able to run out of the classroom before they were shot. Two ended up hiding in a bathroom. And unfortunately, we lost five of them and their two teachers in that classroom. And it sounds like Scarlett had a conversation with Jesse about that earlier that, that probably led up to that.

• 50:26Oprah Winfrey?

  What was that conversation?

• 50:28Speaker 11

  Well, they had had an active shooter drill three weeks before the tragedy. And

• 50:35Speaker 11

  You know, being a parent that just, you know, I was, had a full-time job and I just assumed that when my child was at school, that it was their responsibility. And I remember one evening, right before he was shot, he came into the dining room after we'd had dinner and I'm sitting with my mom, having a glass of wine. He comes up behind me and he says, "Mom, what would I do if a school shooter came into the school?" And I mean, never thinking that it would ever happen to me, obviously, because those things don't happen to people like me. I remember sitting there swirling my glass. I looked over my shoulder and I said, "Run zigzag."

• 51:21Speaker 11

  You know, I mean, like, if I could do it over, I would drop to my knees and I would say, "Why are you asking that?" You know, but I just was so nonchalant, never thinking that, that that would happen.

• 51:36Speaker 11

  So, you know, you find something like that out about your son. I immediately quit my job, realizing that I would have to dedicate my life to being part of the solution, and started a nonprofit called chooselovemovement.org. We, I decided, looking at the pathway to violence, which is what the Department of Homeland Security uses, and this isn't just for school shootings, it's for all violence. It usually, almost always, starts with a grievance, just like James said. But what I noticed was that everyone was focusing on the attack end. Just like we do major issues in our society, we focus on the problem. And what you focus on grows.

• 52:19Oprah Winfrey?

  Grows, expands.

• 52:20Speaker 11

  And so, I decided, there's a lot of people doing that. I'm gonna take the road less traveled. I'm gonna focus on the grievance end. And I'm gonna give kids the skills and tools they need to manage that grievance. But here's the interesting thing. I watch and read and study every single school shooting that comes along, and a lot of times, including in Sandy Hook, we don't know what the grievance is. We can't identify the motive. And if you don't know why... How can you fix it? And Dan sent me this clip of James, and it rocked my world because I thought, oh, my God, James has solved it.

• 53:05Speaker 11

  Now we know why. And now we can fix this.

• 53:09Oprah Winfrey?

  Wow. That's right. Thank you so much, Scarlett.

• 53:16Oprah Winfrey?

  Belinda, Belinda is a pediatrician, and you're here with your husband, Ben. Hello? In your email, you said you're a recovering revenge addict.

• 53:24Speaker 04

  Yes, I'm a recovering revenge addict.

• 53:26Oprah Winfrey?

  Hearing Scarlett's story should help you a little bit, right?

• 53:29Speaker 04

  Yeah. Everybody's story, actually.

• 53:32Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 53:33Speaker 04

  I think growing up in a culture where you were told not to speak as a child, and you were disciplined, and you were shamed if you did wrong, but not praised when you did well. And then I was bullied all my life. But I became like an overachiever to overcome that. But I scored a 60 on your quiz, so I think I have a lot of work to do.

• 54:00Speaker 04

  And I find when I get shamed or bullied or whatever or wrong, that it starts here in the chest, and it goes like to my head. And I have to kind of like breathe and whatever, take a hold of myself. Well, I'll take you back. Almost a year ago, my husband and I were celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary up in Lake George. And I bent over to pick something up, and I felt this like as if a fire hydrant opened up in my chest and shot in my head. And as a physician, I knew I was having a ruptured brain aneurysm at that moment. And so I told Ben, please bring me to the emergency room.

• 54:44Speaker 04

  I started vomiting profusely. And I told him, once we were five minutes away, that I don't know how long I'm going to stay lucid. So you have to make sure they scan me, tell them I'm having the worst headache of my life. You cannot leave me in a corner somewhere because I don't know how much longer I have. And luckily, they got me into the CT scan. They transported me to my alma mater, Albany Med. I stayed there for almost three weeks in the ICU, three brain surgeries later. And I'm a living miracle, honestly. But I attribute a lot of that to the fight or flight,

• 55:25Speaker 04

  the stress, the rage, everything that is in my mind when I feel something's not going right or somebody wronged me.

• 55:35Oprah Winfrey?

  You feel like somebody wronged you?

• 55:37Speaker 04

  Somebody wronged me. I mean, it's not only that, but it has a lot to do with that.

• 55:41Oprah Winfrey?

  So were you wronged as a child? Did something terrible happen to you?

• 55:44Speaker 04

  Nothing terrible, just very, you know, being a firstborn Asian girl in a family, I was basically a third parent, but an invisible third parent. And there was a lot of, a lot of pressure put on me. I do a lot of work with women that are from my culture, and I see this a lot, which is one other reason I was gonna ask. This is culturally related, because there's a lot of women that harbor this kind of rage and anger, but it's pent up from years of, you know, strict discipline, high standards, and really just not being able to speak your mind, I think. So...

• 56:27Oprah Winfrey?

  You've been repressed.

• 56:28Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 56:29Oprah Winfrey?

  All these years, you've been repressed. Then you're shaking your head, because you have to deal with that.

• 56:35Speaker 13

  Yes.

• 56:39Speaker 13

  Yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, it's just heartbreaking because I see the blood boiling up inside her. Sometimes it's directed at me.

• 56:50Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 56:51Speaker 13

  And most of the time deserved. But, but whenever it is, whether it's her family or friends or anyone that may have wronged her, I do think that I notice a big difference now, post-life quake, as we call it.

• 57:03Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 57:05Speaker 13

  You know, I see her catching herself and, and making the choices in those moments to not... To steer left instead of right and try to avoid that blood boiling. And I'm so proud of her for that because I think that she recognizes that that's about her health at this point.

• 57:22Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:24Speaker 04

  I don't want to see my family go through what they went through those past three weeks in the ICU with my sons, our sons at my side. And I just, my health just means so much more than that boil.

• 57:39Oprah Winfrey?

  But you realize you are a revenge addict.

• 57:41Speaker 04

  Oh, yes.

• 57:42Oprah Winfrey?

  You realize, you see yourself in his book.

• 57:44Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 57:45Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 57:45Speaker 04

  Much more in my twenties and my thirties, but now, like, especially after this life quake, I'm like, it's not worth it. It's just not worth it.

• 57:53Oprah Winfrey?

  It's not worth it for any of us, is what you're saying in the science of revenge.

• 57:56Speaker 02

  No, it's not. As I say, we know from studies that revenge is the primary motivation for not only all forms of human violence, but also for all forms of nonviolent forms of revenge that afflict us. You know, you're not a violent person, but you're seeking nonviolent revenge, right? On a regular, or maybe you are and I didn't pick that up.

• 58:23Speaker 04

  I try not to be.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  Try not to be, and that's, that's good. But we do engage in other forms of revenge-seeking that are not violent and that are almost as destructive of families, communities, schools, workplaces, workplace sabotage. In schools, we have, you know, teacher-student and student-student battles and bullying that is almost as hurtful as physical violence is the psychological harm that we inflict on each other. And all of this is motivated, you have to go to, why do you want to hurt other people? It's not the grievance. When, you know, when we go to ask the police, what was the motive behind the shooting? Often, the answer is, we don't know yet.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  If there is an answer, the answer is the result of a search to identify the grievance. That's not the motive. People hate other people and people feel injured in all sorts of ways, and most of them don't act violently. So clearly, the grievance isn't the motive. The motive is what the grievance does inside your brain to activate this desire to retaliate. And that, we don't have our police looking at. And Quite correctly, and we don't need them to. We know what the motive is in almost every violent act. When you see it on TV, in the news tonight or tomorrow, and you see an act of violence, and you go, and you see the reporter go, "What was the motive? Do you have a motive yet?" You can just answer. Scream back at the TV and go, "It's revenge." It's almost always revenge.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  The desire for revenge that's been activated by the grievance. If we focus on the desire for revenge and look at that as an addictive process, we can use all of the addiction strategies that we've developed for the last 20 or 30 years. It's not just the grievance. It's not the grievance at all. That's just the activating event. A lot of us have grievances. Right. We have, there are as many grievances in the world as there are people, times the number of things you can imagine are grievances, times the number of things that might be actual grievances, and then times the number of seconds in a day. In other words, almost infinity. Okay.

• 1:00:26Speaker 02

  Wow. So it's not the grievance is the thing that activates. It's the one thing that grievances activate, which is, that is what activates the brain biological revenge, what I'll call the revenge circuitry, which just happens to be the addiction circuitry. And when we know that, we can fix that. So is that some people and not all people? That's correct. It's some people and not all people. All people, almost all people want revenge. Yes. Only about 20% ish, as I was saying, are people who can't control the urge and end up seeking revenge in ways that harm themselves or other people. That's when it becomes a disease. Revenge seeking itself, not a disease. Everybody wants revenge. It's like, think of it this way. Everybody gets high on opioids and everybody can get intoxicated from alcohol. That's 100%. But only a small percentage of people

• 1:01:11Speaker 02

  become alcoholics or are drug addicts. Yeah. Yeah. But if you're looking in your lives for a living miracle, it's sitting right here. It's right in front of you. Scarlett! Right here. Scarlett! That's an miracle. I don't know how you did that, Scarlett. And here. I mean, we're seeing the power of forgiveness to actually heal the most significant wound that any human being could experience. Leonard, have you forgave the guy?

• 1:01:44Oprah Winfrey?

  He just said you were looking at a miracle, that's you. Did you forgive the guy?

• 1:01:48Speaker 10

  It took some time. So I actually went to the jail to see him.

• 1:01:52Oprah Winfrey?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:52Speaker 10

  So I could get answers. Because they were talking around me. No one would give me answers. And my family turned on me. They said, "You got your answer. Don't forgive him. Don't feel sorry for her." I don't feel sorry. I want answers. And then ultimately, I went to college and came home and I saw him. And I cut him off on the sidewalk. I drove up on the sidewalk. I got out of the car and I was just... I didn't know what to do. But I think if I could have talked to him, I would have been more prepared. But I didn't react. He profusely apologized. He said, "I didn't mean to hurt you, your family. I'm sorry, I was high. I was feeling that loss, that I was gonna lose her." And then, he was already punished. But he did occupy space in my head my entire undergrad in college.

• 1:02:37Speaker 10

  And that's the part, you know, that I didn't even forgive myself for, you know? But, um...

• 1:02:42Oprah Winfrey?

  That you let him take up so much space in your head?

• 1:02:44Speaker 10

  I let him take up so much space. But I did read the book. We did do some work together. And I do utilize the practices of, um, you know, the non-justice approach. Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:02:55Oprah Winfrey?

  Well, you have given us, sir, a lot to think about here today, really. There's much more fascinating ground covered in the book that we couldn't get to today. James Kimmel Jr.'s book is called "The Science of Revenge: Understanding the World's Deadliest Addiction and How to Overcome It." It's available wherever books are sold. Thank you all for being so candid. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I know this conversation has given you a new way of thinking about revenge. And thank you, audience and listeners. Thank you for your valuable time. So let's meet up again next week. Go well, everybody. Go well. Thank you.

• 1:03:43Oprah Winfrey?

  You can subscribe to the Oprah Podcast on YouTube and follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. I'll see you next week. Thanks, everybody.