Why Do People Lie About Their Relationships? - Daniel Sloss

Daniel Sloss is a comedian with two Netflix Specials; Dark and Jigsaw. Before he played his sold out show in Newcastle I got to sit down with the most handsome Scottish comedian since Frankie Boyle to talk all things relationships, and some other stuff. Expect to learn strategies to break up with a partner, mine & Daniel's shared achilles heel, why you should shave your anus and how to slide into Mrs Sloss's DMs. Massive thanks to https://www.tynesidelettings.com for letting us record in their lovely flat, check them out if you're looking for accommodation in Newcastle! Extra Stuff: Follow Daniel Online - https://twitter.com/Daniel_Sloss Daniel's Website & upcoming shows - https://danielsloss.com/ Fancy A Cry? Dogs Welcome Home Soldiers - https://youtu.be/RKBcs9tNWg8 Dogs Welcome Home Soldiers #2 - https://youtu.be/d6kjZXwdyJs People Hearing For The First Time - https://youtu.be/yZ6vSn7PaPI Kids Surprising Parents With Adoption Papers - https://youtu.be/ZJXx0mNCFgg - Video & production by Dean Hindmarch https://www.deanhindmarch.com/ https://www.instagram.com/deanhindmarch - Listen to all episodes online. Search "Modern Wisdom" on any Podcast App or click here: iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/modern-wisdom/id1347973549 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0XrOqvxlqQI6bmdYHuIVnr?si=iUpczE97SJqe1kNdYBipnw Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/modern-wisdom - I want to hear from you!! Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Email: [email protected]

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Chris Williamson?

  Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Sloss.

• 0:08Daniel Sloss?

  Hey, it's me.

• 0:10Chris Williamson?

  They've let you over the border from Scotland into England.

• 0:13Daniel Sloss?

  Well, I mean, is Newcastle really England?

• 0:16Chris Williamson?

  I'm not sure.

• 0:17Daniel Sloss?

  Because like my support act and best friend over the years, Claire Humphries, he's from Newcastle. And it's just, there's always, there's a genuine affiliation between the Geordies and the Scots where we're just like...

• 0:26Chris Williamson?

  Kind of.

• 0:27Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, I mean, you're all, you're pretty much, because we're, you hate the South as much as we do.

• 0:33Chris Williamson?

  Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Anything that's below Leeds is southern.

• 0:36Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, southies, southies.

• 0:38Chris Williamson?

  Exactly, agreed. What's super interesting, when I speak to Americans, they don't know that there is an actual wall between Scotland and England. So they don't know that Hadrian's Wall is a thing.

• 0:48Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:48Chris Williamson?

  I'm like, you watch Game of Thrones, right?

• 0:50Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:51Chris Williamson?

  You know the wall, like, that actually exists. It's a bit smaller and it's kind of ruined.

• 0:55Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:56Chris Williamson?

  But it's actually there. No way, man.

• 0:59Daniel Sloss?

  There's two, and the Antonine Wall as well.

• 1:01Chris Williamson?

  That's a man who knows his background. So when I sometimes have to do my research for guests, I interview a guy who understands the foremost intellect on alien civilizations and I'll be like, "How bloody are you? I have to sink my teeth into this." The research for yourself was watching your Netflix specials,

• 1:18Daniel Sloss?

  Great fun.

• 1:18Chris Williamson?

  Watching you on YouTube and sliding into your mum's DMs.

• 1:22Daniel Sloss?

  Aye, that is my mother to a fucking T, because I love, I love the woman so much, I love her dearly. But she's absolute, she's, she's an absolute whore for fame. She loves it. She loves the fact that she's known as... Because during, over the course of the years during the Edinburgh Festival and stuff, my mum will spend a lot of money going to see as much shows as she can during the Fens, because she supports all conveniences. And even when they try to give her like free tickets and stuff, she refuses to because she understands how the industry works.

• 1:48Chris Williamson?

  Yep.

• 1:49Daniel Sloss?

  She's an absolute fucking sweetheart. But yeah, she loves, loves the attention. And she's fucking brilliant. Like, she's a very, very funny woman.

• 1:57Chris Williamson?

  She is. She's given me, so later on, I've got a couple of, a couple of things that I need to ask you about, which is the inside information from Mother's...

• 2:05Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, she's started, she's had her knife in my back like the Geordie whore that she is.

• 2:09Chris Williamson?

  Yeah, she has done indeed. So your Netflix special, Jigsaw, which some people may have seen and some may not, I wanted you, if you can, to just try and explain the concept of Jigsaw, or a Jigsaw for life.

• 2:25Daniel Sloss?

  Um, the concept is basically, um...

• 2:30Daniel Sloss?

  I I don't hate relationships. I just hate ninety percent of people in relationships because they are. I don't like liars. And you when you're in it, most people in relationships, they're lying to me and they're lying to themselves. I was sick of there's a certain arrogance to people in relationships. That they've achieved something that I don't have by, you know, settling for this other person. That they have a happier life than I do. I enjoy being single, right? Um, and one day I won't enjoy it. Some one day I'll enjoy the company of of the person and I want to spend the rest of my life with them. And I believe that I get annoyed at is by people when they force something into their life. They force a person into life because they think they should be in a relationship, which is what ninety percent of you fuckers do.

• 3:13Daniel Sloss?

  You cram this horrible person into your life and you post pictures about how happy you are and you're not happy. And I know you're not happy because you are bragging about it. Whenever I'm happy or proud about something, I'm not on Twitter going. God, yeah, I just nailed this. I'm the best at this. I'm enjoying the thing.

• 3:30Chris Williamson?

  You're reveling in the experience itself.

• 3:32Daniel Sloss?

  I'm not boasting on, I'm not posting pictures of how much fun I'm having about the thing because I'm enjoying myself. For me, you post about things uh when they're not going well to. Cause you you you lie to social media so you can convince yourself when you look back on your pictures.

• 3:46Chris Williamson?

  Artificially inseminating a sense of purpose.

• 3:48Daniel Sloss?

  Yes, and I just for for me, somebody who's confident enough being single, you know, it's it's it's. Fine, but even I sometimes feel the pressure of sort of people, you know. People in relationships are going, oh, God, maybe I should be in a relationship. Maybe I should settle for that. And I'm barely able to resist it. So when you're putting out this content that's sort of bragging about how happy you are when you're not. And you are adding to this idea that being alone is wrong. You're going to cause people who are of eh less sort of. People who've maybe been lonely longer than I have or don't have, you know, like a social circle, whatever, you know, or, you know, mental health issues, countless other things. They see you happy and you've said that you weren't happy when you were single and the happiness that you got is from finding this fucking person.

• 4:31Daniel Sloss?

  And you're full of shit and I think it's very, very damaging. And if you want to brag about happy you are in a relationship, I will absolutely brag about happy I am being single and I will win.

• 4:40Chris Williamson?

  Fantastic.

• 4:41Daniel Sloss?

  If you want to end up in a happiness competition and a bragging competition, I'll fucking bury it.

• 4:45Chris Williamson?

  Let's let's get our dicks out and measure them. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, I am firmly in the same camp as yourself. And I think. There is a, it's a very nuanced understanding of relationships to be able to say that I am happy. I'm happy on my own because it sounds an awful lot like you don't want someone.

• 5:03Daniel Sloss?

  Hmm.

• 5:04Chris Williamson?

  Which isn't the case.

• 5:05Daniel Sloss?

  No, absolutely.

• 5:05Chris Williamson?

  I think from watching a special, it sounds like an uncompromising set of standards on what you will accept as a partner.

• 5:15Daniel Sloss?

  I, it's not, it's not even that. Like, I don't, I don't think getting a partner, they should sort of be anything. I don't have any expectations of my, uh, future, uh, partner. For me, I just think falling in love should be the most inconvenient thing in the fucking world. Like, it should ruin your day. Like, people who, when they fall in love, like, I know it's in love because every time I thought about them, I smiled and I was happy. And I'm like, no, no, that's you in love with the idea of love. It's not about the individual. You're in love with the idea of being in love and you love the feeling of being in love. When you're actually in love, like, I think it's just, you know, you just go, oh, for fuck's sake, I was having so much fun.

• 5:54Daniel Sloss?

  I was living my best life and then this person came along and they make me laugh and I wanna spend my time with them. I love, used to love being alone. And now every, every time I'm in a situation that I'm enjoying, my brain goes, I wish this person was here with me. I want to share this with them. Fuck, god damn, I was having so much fun.

• 6:10Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 6:10Daniel Sloss?

  I had so much freedom and I still have that, but just now I can't stop. I, oh yeah, every time I've been in love, I've just gone, you bitch, how dare you make me.

• 6:19Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 6:20Daniel Sloss?

  I, I love you so much and that's so inconvenient for me because I was enjoying being selfish. I was enjoying, and now I love you so much that you're my priority. And that's insanity.

• 6:30Chris Williamson?

  I suppose, I suppose what, the implication there is that if you, if a major part of your life and your purpose, worth, happiness is derived from your relationship with someone else, it puts a lot of power in someone else's hands, right? Like, you need to be, you need to feel, you're very vulnerable at the mercy and at the behest of what they want to do to you.

• 6:53Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, I think, I think you should, you know, the, the person you're with should make you so happy, like, all the time. Like, if they make you feel bad, you know, then get rid of them. I've never understood that. I find the concept of the one is the most arrogant thing in the entire, and this is coming from an incredibly arrogant man. But the the concept of the of the one is so narcissistic that not even I can fall into. You you're telling me, if you believe in the one, there's only one person on this planet that's good enough for you, wind your fucking neck in, fucking in a one mile radius, I could find you a hundred people who are.

• 7:29Chris Williamson?

  That you'd say yes to.

• 7:30Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, who are not only good enough for me, but better.

• 7:33Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 7:33Daniel Sloss?

  Just, yeah, I I and but we we create this idea and and oh my god, when it gets difficult to put the work in. Why? If it's not easy, like, I think, you know, every, and I've done those relationships, you know, I've been in those relationships where the the person makes you feel like shit and, you know, you look at your parents and you look at our grandparents' generation because none of them would get divorced because it was too inconvenient and fucking being alone was so taboo. And it was, you know, the only way you were ever out of a relationship is if one of them fucking died, you know. Back when all of our granddads were perverts, and they were perverts, they were stalkers. How did you meet your grand? Oh, well, she didn't want me at first and then I fucking wore her down. Fucking Jesus, grandpa. That's awful. That's horrendous.

• 8:14Daniel Sloss?

  You just lived in a time where you were just able to stand outside of her work with flowers and be like, I love you. And she were the, and she didn't have the internet or a phone or Tinder to know that there were options outside of the five miles that she inhabited. Yeah, man, our we've we've our grandparents lied through their fucking teeth and they just, they didn't stay to, and some of them did stay together for love, but I just think they'd come out of fucking World War Two.

• 8:38Chris Williamson?

  I.

• 8:39Daniel Sloss?

  They were five years old and they were just like, we have to.

• 8:41Chris Williamson?

  It's like fuck, we're alive.

• 8:42Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah.

• 8:43Chris Williamson?

  Better better make some more of us.

• 8:44Daniel Sloss?

  Let's make loads.

• 8:45Chris Williamson?

  Yeah, exactly. So I mean, I think people are quite quick to judge the, um, I guess the Gen Y and the and the millennials for this very transactional nature of uh relationships and it's easy come, easy go. And a lot of the time you hear people talk wistfully about this, like older time where people would, you know, they'd stick it out and this, that and the other. But I mean, sticking it out in a relationship sounds an awful lot like in incompatibility to me.

• 9:12Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, second I would just be like, you know, while, you know, we've been together for this, this is a sunk cost fallacy. Like, it's exactly that. You go, I spent all this time with, and I and I get those feelings. I've been in those relationships where you go. I've put three years into it, like, am I willing to, as you say in the show, you've got that choice. Are you willing to either admit that the last three years of your life have been a waste? Or am I going to waste the rest of my life? And it's a tough fucking thing. And also breakup, breakups always suck as well. Like, even if it's mutual, sometimes the mutual ones are the saddest ones.

• 9:41Chris Williamson?

  Yeah, they are. When both of you know that neither of you are happy.

• 9:45Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, but you don't hate each other, you just grow, you grow apart. Like, my first girlfriend, when we first, we were together for two and a half years and we broke up. She didn't cry, I sobbed for the whole breakup.

• 9:59Daniel Sloss?

  Cause I felt so guilty, I was like, God, I'm destroying her life. And she was like, no, dick, like, I'll be fine without you.

• 10:06Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 10:06Daniel Sloss?

  Like, I'll miss you. But, you know, she was like, look, we have grown apart, there's nothing wrong with it. Like, we don't hate each other, there's no animosity, we didn't cheat on each other, we weren't. But just at one, she just went, that's not, it's not you. And that's really, those are sad, cause that's like, you know, it's much easier if the person's a cunt here or they've cheated on you.

• 10:23Chris Williamson?

  It's a very, very sharp line to draw.

• 10:25Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, you just go, it's done, it's over.

• 10:26Chris Williamson?

  Bandaid's been ripped.

• 10:27Daniel Sloss?

  But when, you know, when you, if you don't grow together, you know, you grow in different directions, there's always that bit of like, oh, God, this is me. Or, you know, cause you're never gonna blame them.

• 10:37Chris Williamson?

  I mean, I think one of the things I noticed when I was especially young was that I felt like there was a, the world was ours to be girdled around the relationship and not that we were being stretched by the world. And it's like, no, man, like, just level, level when, like, level, it, it, it doesn't matter. Like, so I had a girlfriend that was a dancer in Ibiza. And then she was gonna go dancing in Egypt when she came back from Ibiza and this, that and the other. I look back now and I was like, man, it was a holiday romance.

• 11:05Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah.

• 11:05Chris Williamson?

  Like, concede the fact that it was a holiday romance. But no, no, I was gonna try and launch a business, do a masters in international marketing at Newcastle University and have a relationship with a dancer who was in Egypt at the same time.

• 11:17Daniel Sloss?

  Easy.

• 11:18Chris Williamson?

  I, I'm like, looking back, like, what the fuck were you doing? Like, and every night there would be me, I'd be concerned, she'd be out, dancing till late, is she drinking? Is the fucking Steve Angelo and his fucking, you know, is he around and is his posse around and blah, blah, blah. I think just, bro, just like, like, she's not happy because you're complaining and you're insecure all the time.

• 11:41Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, and and you're forcing your insecurities onto how you're being, like, yeah, that, oh, think about what you're doing. Whatever I wanna fucking do, but why don't you trust me enough to know that I'm not going to intentionally be a bad person towards you?

• 11:53Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 11:53Daniel Sloss?

  Says more about yourself and your impression of me.

• 11:55Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 11:55Daniel Sloss?

  That I am a person, yeah.

• 11:57Chris Williamson?

  So, yeah, I think that's, that's one of the things that really struck me. And one of the other things that I really liked was how you talked about the innate desire for people to feel like they need to have someone to make themselves whole. And I think that that is part of the jigsaw analogy itself, right? That you have particular quadrants of the jigsaw that you put together. Could you, could you explain those?

• 12:20Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, well, so originally, it was, the idea was like, you've got the, obviously with the jigsaw, you start on the outside, you've got the four corners, you've got and thi- this is obviously different for different people, but in the analogy I use, it was like friends, family, job and hobbies. Like, and those are transferable, they're different from you and some are, you know, your family, my family's very important to me, so my friends and I'm for example, my job, don't have many hobbies, so that corner's obviously small for me. But for other people, you know, maybe they fucking hate their family, maybe their family is shit, but, and maybe they've only like three close friends, but they've got lots of hobbies and that their job is an all sort of consuming thing. Um, and it's, you know, the problem with the, the jigsaw analogy is people, jigsaws don't change

• 13:02Daniel Sloss?

  over the years, they're always the same picture, whereas you change, there's points where you just go, fuck it, I don't wanna be obsessed with my job anymore, or, you know, or I want my family to be bigger now, and you have to sort of move that. So it's a constantly changing and shifting thing, but the one thing we all want eh is we all feel broken if we don't have someone there, and the reason we feel broken is because of how we raise children, you know? The TV shows, everything is about love, everything is about relationships, you, you know? Our parents, divorce is very, very common, it's a very, very common thing and there's nothing wrong with it, but divorce, talking about divorce in front of kids is very sort of taboo because you can't tell kids that sometimes love is wrong.

• 13:45Daniel Sloss?

  You can't tell an eight year old that they're gonna get it wrong so many fucking times, so many times before they get it right. Uh, because that's not what you want the story of, you know, love to be when you're seven or eight years old.

• 13:59Chris Williamson?

  Um, and I think. The Disney movie, right?

• 14:01Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, it's, you know, it's, it's always the Disney princess gets, uh, the prince or the prince gets the princess or it's always about these relationships, the whole focus of every, every single TV show is, and I've done this even now. When I'm pitching TV shows, they go, who's the love interest? You're like, why does there have to be a fucking love interest? Like, why does my show that has nothing to do with love? Why is my character, why is that important to, you know, his or her growth? Like it's.

• 14:25Chris Williamson?

  People just need to, a lot of people feel the desire to latch on to that particular story, right? It's a story of hope and redemption for people who don't have it. And I, I, I guess, uh, a hope of continuation for those who do.

• 14:38Daniel Sloss?

  Hmm. I, yeah, then again, I've, I've, look, I've always said I've got nothing against relationships and Jigsaw was never meant to be a breakup show. And it is not. It's a love letter to single people. I just, it took me so long to be secure with being single. It took me to know, you know, especially with family and stuff, when you get married, when you're having kids, you're like, whenever I fucking want.

• 14:55Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 14:55Daniel Sloss?

  And if I don't have them, tough shit, right? Get a grandchild from your other kids. I don't care. I've, I don't owe you anything.

• 15:02Chris Williamson?

  I was, I was at my business partner's wedding a few years ago. Him and his missus have been together since they were twenty. They are the exact opposite, the polar opposite of my situation. Just about to have their second child and they've got two dogs and it is like the white picket fence, the British white picket fence equivalent. I'm at his wedding and we've been there for the weekend. It's been beautiful and everything's amazing and the family's got on and the service is fantastic and this, that and the other. As I'm driving away, I can see his mum and a couple of her family members just looking at me as I drove past and I could just see in their eyes that they were thinking, you're next. And I wound the window down and I was like, won't be soon. And just drove off. And I'm like, uh, there are.

• 15:45Chris Williamson?

  There are different paths in love life for different people.

• 15:47Daniel Sloss?

  Um hum. Like, and, and, yeah, I, so, some of us, don't get me wrong, I, it, it, I'm an absolute romantic, like, I, I wanna, I wanna be a dad more than anything in the world, I really, really do, and I wanna get married, I wanna have kids, and I want that. I just don't think I have to do it before I'm thirty, and I don't think, I think, I'm not looking for it at all, like, I'm thoroughly enjoying, you know, cause I'm not being in a relationship and not being a dad means I can be selfish as shit at the moment, I can travel as much as I travel for my job, I can really focus on. And one day that will change. One day some goddamn woman is going to come in my life and just be perfect, and I'm gonna go, you motherfucker. God damn it.

• 16:27Chris Williamson?

  I didn't realise that I was writing all of these routines, and it was you.

• 16:30Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and the, and the fucking hypocrisy.

• 16:33Chris Williamson?

  Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:35Daniel Sloss?

  See, when I get into a fucking relationship, my fans are gonna be like, you fucking what? And I'm like, I know, I'm sorry, she made me fall in love with her, and what, I didn't mean to, blame her, look at her with her fucking perfect little laugh that for some reason makes me feel warm inside, all that, yeah, I'm gonna be a hypocrite, I'm gonna be an absolute hypocrite, but no, but I also won't be, because I ne- I'm not against relationships, I'm against fake relationships, and the more fake relationships that exist, you are, it's, it's, it's a disease, like, cause you'll say they go, I'm so happy, I'm so happy in this relationship, and you're not, but you'll lie to your friends that are single and go, I'm so happy with Jonathan, or I'm so happy with Claire, and they'll go, fucking hell, they get through it, they hate each other, and they get through it.

• 17:16Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 17:16Daniel Sloss?

  That's what we must, must do, and you sat, you just go, fuck it, I, this person, I'll change who I am, you know, everyone says it takes work, why? Why does it have to take work? Like, if you've got kids, absolutely, like, if it's, but when you're just starting out, like, man, if I had an, if, this might sound insane, and that's because I am. If I, if, if I'm in a relationship and we have one argument in that first year, bye.

• 17:39Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 17:39Daniel Sloss?

  Like, like, oh, we have disagreements, like, I love.

• 17:43Chris Williamson?

  You want pineapple on pizza, I don't want pineapple on pizza.

• 17:44Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, we could do that, but like, if, like, let's say.

• 17:48Chris Williamson?

  Something fundamental.

• 17:49Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, like, you, I have a lot of female friends, one of my best friends in the world is, uh, got, been friends with Jean for eight years, we lived together, she's one of my closest friends. If I was ever in a relationship with someone who's like, you need to see Jean less, I would be like, you can absolutely take a running fuck to yourself. Like it's, you know, that, cause that's you, that's, that's either jealousy, which um I, I, I don't suffer from. So it's maybe, you know, I have any, I don't have any fucking sympathy for it.

• 18:14Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 18:14Daniel Sloss?

  Uh, because it's, those are your insecurities and I, and trust me, I will do everything to, you know, if I'm with someone, I don't want them to feel insecure. You know, I think your job is to make that person, you know, feel loved and valuable and, but you know, even if you do that and they're still fucking jealous, you're like, I can't. You know, it's not my job to fix it.

• 18:32Chris Williamson?

  Fighting the fucking tide here.

• 18:33Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah. It's not your job to fix me and it's not my job to fix you. You know, I don't owe, you don't owe anyone anything.

• 18:40Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 18:40Daniel Sloss?

  Really. But when you spend a lot of time together, you've been in a relationship or whatever, you sometimes you feel you.

• 18:45Chris Williamson?

  How do you, how do you think that you mediate then between someone who thinks this relationship might not be right for me? And Daniel said, like, you know, too many disagreements and too many complaints and too much upset is a bad idea. And then a side where you may find some form of a blockage within a relationship, which requires some work to be done, which you then push through to find a newer. Level. Obviously the devil's in the details there.

• 19:14Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah. I mean, look, there's, that's, you know, there's a problem with, one of the many problems with the, the jigsaw analogy in my show, which is, yeah. Nothing is black and white. And what I'm up there doing is I'm saying this is the black and this is the white, because the amount of nuance and time I would need to discuss it. Article would be seven, even a day.

• 19:31Chris Williamson?

  You'd need volumes of books.

• 19:33Daniel Sloss?

  There are, there are psychologists who say for years who don't even, are able to, you know, explain to that level of sort of detail. It's up to you if it feels, you know, right. I totally believe that there are, some relationships should require work. Like if you're feeling a little bit, you shouldn't dump someone out of the blue necessarily. You should go, here's what I feel like I'm either less attracted to you. Or I, or I miss the spark that we used to have, or I think, or, or I feel like I'm changing in this way and you're pushing me in a way. You talk to the person, open the communication before you break up. And then, uh, if they're like, well, that's not going to change, then I, I, it's different for everyone.

• 20:11Chris Williamson?

  It is. And that's, that's where the devil being in the details is obviously where the.

• 20:17Chris Williamson?

  Why relationships are hard like and it's not hard as in it has to be hard work as in sometimes it's just going to take a lot of cognitive power. But one of the things that you touch on that I really, really like is that you need to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else and before you can allow them to love you.

• 20:33Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, hundred percent.

• 20:33Chris Williamson?

  And I I think you need to be able to understand your own values. And what you will and will not tolerate within yourself.

• 20:43Daniel Sloss?

  Hmm.

• 20:44Chris Williamson?

  Like there's certain things that I've realised are uh keystone habits and keystone failures of myself. And when I get them right, I feel ten times better and when I get them wrong, I feel ten times worse. But I never knew that I was being triggered on those by partners and I was projecting onto partners for a decade.

• 21:01Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah.

• 21:02Chris Williamson?

  Until I actually did a bit of introspective work and then realised that.

• 21:06Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 21:07Chris Williamson?

  And I'm like, holy fucking shit. Like, the problem was never with them. The problem was with them, but it was other things.

• 21:13Daniel Sloss?

  Yes.

• 21:13Chris Williamson?

  But, you know.

• 21:14Daniel Sloss?

  You didn't, especially when we come out of relationships, when we come out of our teenage years, none of us are fucking confident, right? Even the confident teenagers, like, deep down weren't.

• 21:24Chris Williamson?

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:25Daniel Sloss?

  Confident, like, we're all, we're all just fucking balls of.

• 21:29Chris Williamson?

  Hormones.

• 21:29Daniel Sloss?

  Hormones, insecurity, anxiety. And, you know, we're just filled up to our balls with calm and we were horny and we didn't know why and we didn't know what to do. And you sit there and you get into a, so you're insecure and you and and also, you know, they suddenly go, you're an adult. Especially when you're a teenager, they go, you're a young adult, you're a fucking teenager. I'm a young.

• 21:50Chris Williamson?

  I'm a child, I'm a child.

• 21:51Daniel Sloss?

  I'm twenty eight and now I'm a young adult.

• 21:53Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 21:53Daniel Sloss?

  I'm a young adult only now is before that I was a fucking, I was a child, right? How dare you, like, I understood when I was fucking six, I was like, I'm a young adult, full of shit. No, I was not. And the fact that you even let me believe I was a young adult is ridiculous. I didn't know anything.

• 22:09Chris Williamson?

  Fucking child abuse.

• 22:10Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah. And then you get into, so you don't love yourself because you don't know who you are. And the problem is when you get into a relationship, then especially when we go into university, I mean, not that I did, but I saw amongst uh my friends is you go through the same, where you're allowed to, you're going to change so much because. You know, you don't really choose what fucking high school you go to or who your friends. You you pick a friend out of this randomly selected of people in your fucking area who happen to be born in the same year. Like, none of them are, you're just friends of the amount of convenience. I don't, you'll get friends for life and whatnot. But when you go to university, there's a lot more freedom to it. You're gonna grow naturally and i i i not even in university, but just after high school. We're going to change so much. And I feel like sometimes if you're in a relationship there, which you would be because you're like, oh, God.

• 22:54Daniel Sloss?

  Here's this scary new world that I'm a fucking adult in. What do adults do? Oh, adults are married. Adults are in relationships. What I'll do, to be an adult, I'll get into a fucking relationship and I'll do exactly what my parents did, which is compromise and change and do anything to make this relationship work. Because that's what adults do. And you sit there and you create this false version for yourself. And it's not malicious in any way. The person that you, they're not changing you for bad reasons. You're like, please change me. I want to do anything. I love you. And you make me happy and I want to make you as happy as you make me. So I will change. I'll willingly change for you. And then seven years later, you're like, I don't even fucking like rock climbing.

• 23:32Daniel Sloss?

  I fucking hate cheese and wine. Like, why have I watched Eat, Pray, Love seventeen fucking times? Like, this is not who I am. And it's really hard because that person that changed you, they didn't necessarily force you to change.

• 23:46Chris Williamson?

  I'm gonna make this kind of rock climbing.

• 23:47Daniel Sloss?

  No, yeah, you just decided yourself, you're like, I'll do whatever makes you happy and, you know. Just hope somebody's like, hey, I like football.

• 23:55Chris Williamson?

  Yeah, it's it's like being, it's like being moldable putty, right? And and you're just so malleable at that early age. I mean, I I s-

• 24:03Daniel Sloss?

  Because love's confusing, man. When you love, you do anything with that person.

• 24:07Chris Williamson?

  You would. And the one of the the maddest things and the crazy duality that we need to hold in both. Both of these need to exist together, right? So you need to say, you are crazy malleable. You are going to be potentially changed in a manner that is inappropriate and damaging to you. But you also kind of need to experience these things and you also need to suffer so you can learn.

• 24:27Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:28Chris Williamson?

  So you can't expedite the success and avoid the suffering. But also, if you could get it absolutely right, you you could. And you're like, oh, fucking hell, mate. Do you want to have your cake and eat it and throw it out the window as well, like?

• 24:40Daniel Sloss?

  Right. I just think, you know, the the best, some of the best lessons I learned about myself, I learned from failed relationships.

• 24:46Chris Williamson?

  Hundred percent, hundred percent.

• 24:48Daniel Sloss?

  Uh, which is why I genuinely like, you know. I like the fact that I'm friends with, you know, a lot of, well, or we're not friends with my exes, but we ended on sort of amicable terms and I've got no sort of ill feelings towards them. Even the person that Jigsaw was about, we've sort of managed to, I mean, that, that's right, that show was very cathartic.

• 25:07Chris Williamson?

  I was gonna say, I mean, surely once that got published, the person in question.

• 25:13Daniel Sloss?

  I don't know if she has watched it, but, you know, I think she'll.

• 25:19Chris Williamson?

  No letter bombs or anything yet?

• 25:20Daniel Sloss?

  No, no, but I think, I think she'd understand as well.

• 25:22Chris Williamson?

  Right, I mean, it's very respectful, I think, personally, like, if I.

• 25:26Daniel Sloss?

  I do say she's the worst person I've ever met in my life.

• 25:29Chris Williamson?

  Okay, yeah, I mean, well, yeah, but there's got to be some comedic kind of, a bit of artistic licence.

• 25:33Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, and also exaggeration, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:36Chris Williamson?

  No, that bit wasn't, that bit wasn't so good.

• 25:38Daniel Sloss?

  It was, it was, it was a terrible, terrible relationship. It took a while to sort of recover from, because that's always the thing as well, like, whenever you get it wrong, you feel like such a dick.

• 25:47Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 25:47Daniel Sloss?

  It's also the one, I think one of the worst feelings in the world in a, in a relationship is, you know, when.

• 25:54Daniel Sloss?

  It's such a shame that the, the line, it's not you, it's me, is, is cliche. And if you ever say that, the person you're breaking up will hate you, because sometimes it's, it's the only honest thing.

• 26:05Chris Williamson?

  It's the breakup equivalent of Netflix and chill, and I'm like, no, that's what I want to do. I really do want to watch some Netflix and chill out.

• 26:11Daniel Sloss?

  The Fire Festival documentary's out and it sounds very interesting.

• 26:14Chris Williamson?

  Unbelievable, yeah.

• 26:16Daniel Sloss?

  And, and sometimes it is not you, it's me, you've done nothing wrong, I'm just changing, and it, my future doesn't involve you. And you feel so shit, because this person that, you know, loved you unconditionally, and, and sort of, you know, was, is amazing, there's nothing wrong with them. And you don't love them, you feel so broke, you feel evil.

• 26:37Chris Williamson?

  Are you, are you an empathetic individual, would you say?

• 26:39Daniel Sloss?

  Hugely, I hate my, I hate my levels of empathy.

• 26:42Chris Williamson?

  One of my biggest weaknesses, and I've only just recently begun to realise it.

• 26:46Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, I, I really, and I do, I, I, look, I think, let's not criticise empathy, the whole world could do with a lot more of it.

• 26:53Chris Williamson?

  But we've got, can we take some of mine, like, for the love of fucking god?

• 26:57Daniel Sloss?

  I can't handle it, which is why I put up so many, a lot of walls sometimes, it was just like, if people knew how empathetic I was, they'd take advantage of me.

• 27:04Chris Williamson?

  Hundred percent.

• 27:05Daniel Sloss?

  So that's why I just, you know, that's why I make sure that my whole, my whole bravado on stage is, I'm belly big bollocks, nothing you can say will ever make me question anything otherwise. I'm so assured in all of my opinions, I'm the smartest man alive, I'm god, that's what my whole persona is, that, it's just because. You know, if you know how, you know, it's so much easier to come across as cold and I don't give a shit.

• 27:25Chris Williamson?

  I think so, and I I do think as well that the the empathy thing means that when when the iron gets struck really, really well, like it the the the world can come crashing down pretty quick. And I think like weird stuff for me, like even.

• 27:39Daniel Sloss?

  What level of empathy, like if you see someone cry, do you immediately start wailing at yourself?

• 27:43Chris Williamson?

  It's difficult, man. I mean, that's in there, like to the point where.

• 27:47Daniel Sloss?

  If I if the if I ever hear, if I ever hear like a, I don't know why it is, but if I ever hear like a eh, like a girl, like a small girl, just shout for her dad for some reason.

• 27:58Chris Williamson?

  There we go.

• 27:58Daniel Sloss?

  Oh, the one, I'm like, what the, I'm not even a dad.

• 28:01Chris Williamson?

  I'm totally.

• 28:02Daniel Sloss?

  I'm like, wait, and don't be wrong, girls have called me daddy before, but in a very different context. And they were much older, but like, why, why do I just hear the, I don't know what it is. Um, I wa- I do some fucking weird shit to just, for so long as well, like I stopped myself from crying in my teenage years. And I've got no idea why I did. My father is, my, I've seen my dad cry before. Like he, my dad was never one of those guys that's like, he's like crying his way, he's never said that ever. I've seen my dad cry. He was logical.

• 28:33Chris Williamson?

  Yep.

• 28:33Daniel Sloss?

  And he would be always, always in control of his emotions, but if the man wanted to cry, he'd fucking cry. For some reason, I don't know where I got it from. I got this idea in my head that crying was weak. And I would physically stop myself from crying at movies and stuff, like the two of us would be like, nah, ah.

• 28:48Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 28:48Daniel Sloss?

  Nah, ah.

• 28:49Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 28:49Daniel Sloss?

  I'm like grit your teeth and stop it. I'm home alone and I'm stopping myself from crying like a fucking sociopath.

• 28:54Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 28:54Daniel Sloss?

  Because I hated my empathy. I hated how empathetic I was, whereas now I fully embrace it. I just go on YouTube, down deep YouTube polls of stuff that I know is gonna make me cry. Ever seen eh?

• 29:04Chris Williamson?

  Dehydrated from tear loss, yeah.

• 29:06Daniel Sloss?

  Once eh, every now and again, if I've, if I feel that like I haven't been emotional enough one month, I'll just, I'll get a bottle of wine and I'll sit down on fucking YouTube and I'll watch eh, soldiers coming home to their dogs. Oh shit.

• 29:18Chris Williamson?

  That's some serious shit, that.

• 29:20Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, that gets me. Death babies being given hearing aids.

• 29:24Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 29:24Daniel Sloss?

  Sobbing.

• 29:25Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 29:25Daniel Sloss?

  Openly sobbing.

• 29:26Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 29:26Daniel Sloss?

  And you're seeing the chroma, chromas, the colourblind glasses.

• 29:30Chris Williamson?

  Yep, yep.

• 29:31Daniel Sloss?

  I fucking. Oh, and my new one is, this is my proper vice.

• 29:36Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 29:37Daniel Sloss?

  Is, is adoptive dads, like, like being, like the kids taking their second name.

• 29:45Chris Williamson?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, happy Christmas, you're being, you're being adopted.

• 29:49Daniel Sloss?

  Like, yeah, oh, yeah, no, no, no, it's always the, it's, it's the daughters or the sons to their stepdad being like, I've legally changed my son, I'm just, so you see these big grown men that are like six foot five, look like they used to be in prison, heavily tattooed, and this, like this thirty year old girl goes, you're my dad now, and he breaks.

• 30:08Chris Williamson?

  World just comes crashing down.

• 30:09Daniel Sloss?

  Oh, man, it destroys me. I love it. So good.

• 30:13Chris Williamson?

  Links to everything will be in the show notes below if you want to have a nice cry at some point soon.

• 30:18Daniel Sloss?

  Do it. It's like, I was, I do, for so many years, I repressed it so much, it was like, not like, it's like bleeding the radiator.

• 30:24Chris Williamson?

  You're like a fucking empathy junkie now, aren't you?

• 30:26Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, oh, man, it's just like skydiving, just be like, what else can we fucking cry?

• 30:30Chris Williamson?

  Give me another line of dogs meeting their owners, yeah.

• 30:32Daniel Sloss?

  I've never been on a plane and not watched The Blind Side and sobbed. If there's any international flight, I'm like, if fucking Blind Side's on this, I'm, I'm Sandra Bullock, Bullock. I'm, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a very upper, upper class worthy woman. And I want to adopt and save a black child to play American football, which is a sport I have no interest in. I love it, but I get, I, I love crying now.

• 30:56Chris Williamson?

  I think, you know, there may be some people out there who can empathise with our empathy and.

• 31:02Daniel Sloss?

  God, they're weak.

• 31:03Chris Williamson?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:04Daniel Sloss?

  Must suck to be them, just, yeah, yeah. If you're more empathetic than I am.

• 31:08Chris Williamson?

  Wow. And one of the problems that, that occurs off the back of that is being able to break up with someone, you alluded to it earlier on, where you said that you were terrified that you were just gonna end somebody's world.

• 31:19Daniel Sloss?

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:19Chris Williamson?

  And the, understanding the reality that other people will be fine, they're gonna be okay.

• 31:27Daniel Sloss?

  Oh, they'll be sad, and that's because breakups are always sad.

• 31:30Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 31:31Daniel Sloss?

  They just are. Even if it's a bad relationship. That person was part of your life and they were a big, big part of your life and they're not. And you're losing, when you lose, when you break up with someone, you're losing a part of yourself there, you know. It it it's just always gonna be sad, like even if you've been with someone for fucking three months, they were great three months or they were. But you spent so much time thinking about it, it's the closing of a chapter.

• 31:54Chris Williamson?

  And there's a, there's a recency bias as well, right, that it's difficult to remember what life was like before someone. You can be with someone for, you know, three to six months.

• 32:03Daniel Sloss?

  Hmm.

• 32:04Chris Williamson?

  And you're like, especially if you're, especially if you're under sort of thirty, forty years old, like, that's a significant proportion of your life. And it's the most recent.

• 32:12Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah.

• 32:13Chris Williamson?

  Proportion of your, a portion of your life. So you're like, fucking hell, like, yeah. Uh uh uh of course this person feels like a very, very large part and what did I do on a Sunday morning before?

• 32:23Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah.

• 32:23Chris Williamson?

  We did breakfast Sundays or whatever.

• 32:25Daniel Sloss?

  Did I text?

• 32:26Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 32:26Daniel Sloss?

  Like I, you know, I, what, what did I, you know, they, they made me love olives and now I love olives. And how can I ever have an olive again without thinking of them?

• 32:33Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 32:34Daniel Sloss?

  They'll get over it, they're fucking olives.

• 32:35Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 32:35Daniel Sloss?

  But it doesn't feel like that at the time. Also, I understand like, eh, people who are, you know, when you're in one of those relationships and you know.

• 32:44Daniel Sloss?

  Eh, that you're gonna break up with the person, it just becomes, it's, you, you're, you're negotiating with terrorists, but the terrorist is yourself. You go, I'll do it next week or, you know, it's always the thing, you're like, I can't dump them before Christmas. Because they probably won't be Christmas presents and that's horrible. I don't want them to go and film with family. And then I can't break up with them in New Year because it's gonna be New Year. And then I can't do it before Valentine's Day because Valentine's Day is coming up and you just, I'm, I'm very much of the standard and it's very hard to do. But I have done it in my past couple of relationships is I go the second I know I'm breaking out with them, I do it that day.

• 33:13Chris Williamson?

  That would be a fantastic rule to live by.

• 33:15Daniel Sloss?

  Aye, but it's tough as hell.

• 33:17Chris Williamson?

  It is difficult, but I do think that these sort of these heuristics and the frameworks, listeners who have listened to. Relationships one oh one, one oh two and one oh three, if you haven't listened to them, you need to go listen to them now, yeah. Um, we try and come up with these, these guidelines because in a. Uh, the analogy that I use is you know that you're gonna fall into some quicksand and you know it's gonna happen in a week's time. You're like, right, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna research online. I'm gonna look at the techniques for getting out of quicksand and then when it happens, I'll be prepared and I'll have my stick with me and I'll do the this. And then in a second iteration of this world, I push you in some quicksand and I go, right, get your phone out and have a look at how fucking get out of quicksand and you're like. Without a plan in advance and without some rules and heuristics to stick to,

• 33:59Chris Williamson?

  the situation moves your capacity to perceive what is happening efficiently and effectively so far that you you don't you your ability to make choices is effectively muted.

• 34:13Daniel Sloss?

  Hmm.

• 34:13Chris Williamson?

  And you're like, well, okay, so these kind of rules like that are actually a really good way of bringing people back down to earth. And I have made relationships that I know I'm going to break up with the person in. That period has lasted longer than the bit before it in the past. And I mean, that is a.

• 34:32Daniel Sloss?

  It's also cruel. Like that's it's one of the things that the and if anyone's out there is in a relationship that you know you're about to get out of. The one thing that always inspired me was always the second you know it's over with that person, every minute that you spend with them is cruel because you are wasting their time. Uh, you know, there's no future in it. They don't know that and and and and they need the time to to grieve to for the breakup and stuff and the time to move on. And you're every minute that you're with them is you were stealing a moment off their recovery and their future off of them. And that is the most selfish. Cause the other thing I was like, it's so selfish for me to break up with this person. Whereas no, no, the opposite is true. It's so selfish to not like, yeah, they're gonna, they're gonna be heartbroken.

• 35:17Daniel Sloss?

  You're gonna be fucking heartbroken and you're gonna be filled with fucking doubt. But i- if you love them as much as you claim to, and even if it's not in that way, you fucking dump them, stop stringing them along, stop wasting their time, stop letting their fucking sperm shrivel up in their balls or their eggs shrivel up in their body or whatever fucking thing, you know?

• 35:35Chris Williamson?

  You are right. I mean, externalizing that accountability to someone else is is a real surefire way of driving home just how much time you're wasting. You're not wasting, you're not just wasting your own life.

• 35:45Daniel Sloss?

  But you're wasting theirs, you're wasting theirs. Like if you if you know, you said there, the reason you don't want to break up with that person is because you don't want to hurt them. Right? And that is admirable. Like that's really, that is a really, really nice thing. You you're willing to sacrifice your life to make this person happy. But that's also fucking cruel. Like you're gonna rob this person of the chance of true love. Like that's what you're gonna do. You're gonna, you're gonna stay with them and pretend to love them to to save their fucking heartbreak. You're not, that's not a nice thing you're doing. Like you're just, you're putting them in the fucking Truman Show.

• 36:16Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 36:16Daniel Sloss?

  Like, that's what you're doing. He's like, everything's fine, everything's dandy. And they're like, well, he's smiling. He still flaps me like he used to. He doesn't make as much eye contact and whatnot. The Ford plays a little bit late, but he says he loves me. Look at the ring.

• 36:32Chris Williamson?

  Man, it's, it is very, very true. I, I, I wish that it, it didn't strike such a, it didn't resonate so hard with me, but it does. And you know, it very well may do to a lot of people at home. I wanted to move on to the next most important topic on my list, which is how important it is to have a shaved asshole.

• 36:51Daniel Sloss?

  Incredibly important.

• 36:52Chris Williamson?

  You are among friends here. This is a safe space and everyone who is listening will know just how much we appreciate a, a, a clean.

• 37:00Daniel Sloss?

  Is yours for shitting or rimming?

• 37:02Chris Williamson?

  Uh, well, it's dual purpose. It's dual purpose, right? Do you know what I mean? And so have you tried a Shattafa B day? So it's the Arabic B day that's kind of on a hose. If you've ever been to Asian and Arab countries.

• 37:14Daniel Sloss?

  I haven't, I haven't ever used it because I'm just, I'm scared about where the water goes.

• 37:18Chris Williamson?

  So that's the thing. So the, the issue that you have when you come up against one of these B days, especially one that's in Yusef, one of the co-hosts' house, like the pressure that comes out of it is enough to clean dirt off a car. And if you're not holding sufficient ring tension.

• 37:31Daniel Sloss?

  If you get the angle wrong, it comes out your mouth.

• 37:33Chris Williamson?

  Well, it's an enema. You're, you're enemoring yourself because you don't have enough anal tone. Um, and yeah, it's, but give us the, if someone's debating, if they thought, I, you know, I've considered shaving my arse, but I don't really understand why. Why, why, why should someone shave their arse?

• 37:48Daniel Sloss?

  Well, first of all, uh, we, we, we belong to the, I mean, the, the older generations, they call us the millennial generation, whatever generation. My generation is the ass-eating generation. Like I genuinely, I would love to see the statistics of how many people born around 1999 lick each other's arse. Cause it's, it's, it's most of us.

• 38:07Chris Williamson?

  Yep.

• 38:08Daniel Sloss?

  And it's definitely more than previous generations, or at least, or, or, or my gran is very, very private about her rimming schedule.

• 38:14Chris Williamson?

  Yep.

• 38:14Daniel Sloss?

  But I, I originally do it just because, man, I, I don't have much fucking body hair. It's not who I am. But for some reason, it's just all coalesces on my arse and wiping's a nightmare.

• 38:25Chris Williamson?

  It's like fucking Mordor down there, isn't it?

• 38:27Daniel Sloss?

  You get the fucking crack maggots, you know, when you're wiping them. It's sort of like, aye. And I was just like, it's just at one point you scratch your arse and like, is that, it's gross. It's horrible.

• 38:35Chris Williamson?

  Yep.

• 38:35Daniel Sloss?

  Uh, and don't get me wrong, shaving your asshole is not a graceful process. There's no, there's no good way to do it.

• 38:41Chris Williamson?

  What's your technique?

• 38:42Daniel Sloss?

  Uh, the shame squat. Shame squat, shame squat in the shower.

• 38:47Chris Williamson?

  In the, in the bath shower, yeah.

• 38:48Daniel Sloss?

  Shame squat in the shower. Like, holding the razor at the head, just because you can it, oh, just, it's, it's a real.

• 38:56Chris Williamson?

  It's a life and death situation every time, the, the, you know, I mean, I, I need to, I don't know whether you do as well, but I sometimes need to work myself up to it. Like, I know that, when I know that, like, asshole shaving day's coming in.

• 39:06Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, it's, you go, you, you build up, you go for the shower, you treat yourself, and maybe light some candles.

• 39:10Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 39:11Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah.

• 39:11Chris Williamson?

  Alright, we're gonna go for it.

• 39:13Daniel Sloss?

  It's, it's good, but I'm also the thing, like, look, if I want somebody to stick their fucking tongue in my butt, I'm gonna give them the best. But to do that, it's gonna make sure it's clean. Like, it's the same thing, um, you know, uh, when it comes to sort of pubic in general, I don't give a fuck where you have, you don't. I don't give a fuck where you have body hair on your body, like, regardless of your gender, it's fucking your body, your choice, but just be a decent human being.

• 39:36Chris Williamson?

  Groom.

• 39:36Daniel Sloss?

  Like, like, if you're sitting there, you're like, I'm a, you're like, as if you, I've just, I've never sucked, I've never sucked a dick, so for the purposes of this analogy, I'm gonna be talking about pussies. Just because I have more experience in that, right? You can change the gender for whichever one takes your fancy, right? But you can be like, hey, I'm a woman, and we get hair down in those places, and I'm not gonna shave my legs, and I'm not gonna, uh, shave my pits, and I'm like, cool. I'm not licking your legs or your armpits.

• 40:00Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 40:00Daniel Sloss?

  I'm licking your pussy, right, you know, and have hair up there, absolutely, but just, you know, in the same way that I shave my balls. I don't shave my pubes, but, you know, make sure there's, because my balls are going in your mouth.

• 40:11Chris Williamson?

  Yep.

• 40:11Daniel Sloss?

  I'm fucking hair in your mouth, that's weird. Unless you like that, in which case, fair play to you, but let me know and I'll stop shaving them. But man, shaving your asshole, man, it was, it was game changer, working is so much easier, you know?

• 40:22Chris Williamson?

  It's the, the sheer difference in toilet paper usage and time.

• 40:26Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, it's so much, it's better for the environment, it's.

• 40:28Chris Williamson?

  Do you wanna know what the equivalent is that we found for shaving your asshole for shoes, shoehorn man? Anyone who's not using a shoehorn now, I implore you, if you're a fan of this channel, you will know exactly what I'm gonna say.

• 40:39Daniel Sloss?

  Really?

• 40:39Chris Williamson?

  Man.

• 40:40Daniel Sloss?

  Is that just a life hack that none of us know?

• 40:42Chris Williamson?

  Oh, man, everybody should know. Few things that everybody should do. Drive an automatic car, turn the.

• 40:47Daniel Sloss?

  Oh, disagree immediately.

• 40:49Chris Williamson?

  Daniel, come on, it was going so well.

• 40:51Daniel Sloss?

  You know, I just.

• 40:53Chris Williamson?

  What, what, so this leg and this arm, they can just.

• 40:58Daniel Sloss?

  Aye.

• 40:58Chris Williamson?

  This entire left, in fact, this whole left.

• 41:00Daniel Sloss?

  Are you, are you tired while driving?

• 41:02Chris Williamson?

  Yes, I am, and I just want to maximize, like a flamingo, I want this entire side of my body to go.

• 41:08Daniel Sloss?

  While driving, I have a stroke. I wanna make, I wanna make, I wanna make sure that nothing on the left is, what if you have a stroke on your right side? Well, I guess I'm fucked, I'm just fucked. Nah.

• 41:21Chris Williamson?

  Come on, why, why manual car?

• 41:22Daniel Sloss?

  Well, you know what, I know I'm wrong. There's an amazing comedian called Mick Cody who's got, and he drives an automatic car. And his argument is I have no rebuttal towards it. It's, it's, you know, it's, it's two thousand and fucking, it's two thousand and nineteen, right? Why don't you go churn your own fucking butter?

• 41:39Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 41:39Daniel Sloss?

  Like, it's just, there's easier option exists. Why? For me, it's overtaken. Like, every, every, every time I do, I just, you slam down the thing and the car goes fifth gear. And you're like, second, second, second. Like, if you're coming down the fucking A1, right? You know those, you know those roads where it's just like, you're like, you go over, take these fucking lorries, man. Like, it's a fucking A1, it's a shout.

• 42:00Chris Williamson?

  Newcastle to Scotland, big style, yeah.

• 42:02Daniel Sloss?

  And when you go over, like, if you're, if I'm in a manual car, I go, right, I need to be in third gear for this thing. So you come out third, whoo, straight round, right? You're in an automatic car and you go out the lane, he's like, do you want to be in sixth gear? No, go to se- second. He's like, oh, thir- thir- fifth, fifth. And you're like, go, she's fa- fa- fast, I'm going to die.

• 42:21Daniel Sloss?

  And the guy's like, oh, would you, would you, look, yeah, I can't.

• 42:24Chris Williamson?

  Okay, so we've got, um, we will agree to disagree on the automatic versus manual car.

• 42:27Daniel Sloss?

  I mean, I know you're right. It's the future and I shouldn't be, you know, it's.

• 42:30Chris Williamson?

  You'll get you, we'll convert you.

• 42:32Daniel Sloss?

  It's the equi- it's, it's the car equivalent of vinyl.

• 42:35Chris Williamson?

  Oh, right.

• 42:36Daniel Sloss?

  It's absolutely.

• 42:37Chris Williamson?

  It's just, it's just better.

• 42:38Daniel Sloss?

  It's just there, it's just, um, more controlled. Like, I'll shut up and drive the automatic.

• 42:42Chris Williamson?

  You need a room, you need a room for your music. Like, I've got, I have an iPod.

• 42:46Daniel Sloss?

  It's one of those things where I know I'm wrong, but I'm not changing my opinion.

• 42:48Chris Williamson?

  Fine. Um, so we've got shoehorn, we've got automatic car. Turn the sensitivity up on the trackpad on your MacBook. So turn it up to the highest it will be within a week. Ten percent more productive, immediately, I promise you. Yeah, game changer. Um, and the, the final one, I, it's, you know, Johnny, one of the co-hosts, actually even, he moved back up vertically, integrated himself into his bowel movements and went to develop a green smoothie on a morning, which means that he's just wipeless now, that his bowel movements are so consistent and so well-formed, they're absolutely perfect every single time. And you're like, well, oh my god, like a single. Sheet, do you know what I mean, like it's like.

• 43:30Daniel Sloss?

  Just, yeah, yeah, and not even double play, you can see your finger through it and still he does that gamble.

• 43:36Chris Williamson?

  Away it goes. So I am going to move on to Mother Sloth and what she's given us. So she's.

• 43:41Daniel Sloss?

  Mama bear.

• 43:42Chris Williamson?

  She's given us a number of options of things that I can ask you about, and I'm gonna ask you all of them and then you can, you can choose.

• 43:49Daniel Sloss?

  Okay.

• 43:50Chris Williamson?

  So Robot Wars and the Pregnant Washing Up Story.

• 43:55Daniel Sloss?

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:56Chris Williamson?

  Um, or the Cans of Deodorant Story.

• 44:01Daniel Sloss?

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:02Chris Williamson?

  Or Rapping Shakespeare.

• 44:07Chris Williamson?

  Or, at the age of thirteen, he drew his first graphic novel based on his baby brother called My Life with Hitler.

• 44:14Daniel Sloss?

  My Life with Satan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I would, I'll happily compare, I'll happily compare my three year old brother to Satan, but he was definitely not Hitler-esque. And no, like his first steps weren't fucking goose steps, like it wasn't. Like the fact that she thinks is, man, pay attention, would you? Come on. It was definitely my life with Satan, yeah. Um, I fucking hate my younger brother, man. I hate him so, I hate him so much. He's a little shit, so the age gap, because my, uh, so, uh. When I was eight years old, uh, my six year old sister dies, uh, and that's what my show Dark is, uh, sort of about. Uh, so there was a huge age gap between, so my brother was born when I was ten years old and he was born then. So these are, when I was going, when I was thirteen years old.

• 44:57Daniel Sloss?

  He was three and fuck, he sucked. I hate him. I was so annoying. And in hindsight, I know he was. To everything he was doing, he was just trying to get my attention. And my parents said this to me all the time. They were like, he's just trying to annoy you. It's because it's the only time you ever pay him attention. He doesn't care if you're yelling at him or being mean to him. You're his older brother and he loves you. And he wants you to pay attention to him, even if it's yelling. So just be nice to him and he'll not annoy you. And I was like, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm thirteen. I know much fucking better. Um, but he was a, he was an evil little fucking genius man. To this day, my mother doesn't believe this story and I fucking swear to God it's true. Marty used to carry around, uh, a bucket full of dummies, right? He loved, loved his dummies. Like, he called them me's, couldn't say dummy.

• 45:39Daniel Sloss?

  Whether, you know, he just couldn't say, he called them his me's and he'd just bucket full of me's and he would just walk around like a, you know, and he, every minute he would change it. To a Thomas, a tanking, John one, to a pepper, pig, to fucking whatever. He'd have this bucket full of me's. One day I'm sat down uh watching TV and he he walks into the room, just his fucking big fat toddler belly hanging out. I think he's two and a half at this point and he sees me and I'm like, here we fucking go, like. Uh like he's gonna do something to annoy me, I'm gonna push him over because I'm a horrible big brother. And he comes up to me and he takes his, he takes his dummy out of his mouth and he hands it to me. And I'm, you know, and my mum and dad have always been like, could you be nicer to your brother? And I was like, oh, that's something nice. I'll positively reinforce this behaviour. She gave me the, I was like, thank you very much, Matthew. That's very, very kind of you.

• 46:24Daniel Sloss?

  And I go back to watching TV and he stands there for like two minutes, just calculating, right? And I know you'll be like, two year old can't calculate, you fucking calculated man. So, just thinking, thinking. And then he gave me the full bucket of all the other dummies and I was like, thank you, Matthew. This is very, very kind of you. And then he took in a huge inhale of breath and screamed the fucking house down. My mum comes in to me, holding his dummy and his buckets of dummies while he's fucking crying, right? And she's like, why did you do? I'm like, I, he gave them to me. She's like, why is he crying then? And I'm like, you fucking little shit.

• 47:03Daniel Sloss?

  Um, and she still doesn't believe that. I swear to God, that is true. He's a hot, I love him now. I mean, I loved him then, but yeah.

• 47:10Chris Williamson?

  Labor of love.

• 47:12Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, yeah, that was my, that was, yeah, so I started writing comics um on it. I was, I was terrible at drawing. I just, I liked doing anything to make my parents laugh when I was young.

• 47:19Chris Williamson?

  Um, what's the pregnant washing machine? Oh, the, the, the pregnant washing up story?

• 47:24Daniel Sloss?

  So when uh my mother was pregnant with uh, I think it was Jack, it was either Jack or Matthew. This is my father's third or fourth child at this point, right? So my mum's eight months pregnant and uh she, she doesn't fucking snap. My dad's, my dad's not maliciously lazy. He's just sometimes forgetful or just a bit like, he, he works all day and he comes home and he doesn't wanna necessarily, you know, do something. But he's got no leg to stand on because my mum works all day and still does chores around the fucking house. So she's in the right. And she's also pregnant at this point in her life. So she sort of goes to my dad and she's like, can you just be a bit more useful? I know you're, you know. Just be a bit, I'm fucking pregnant. There's some stuff I physically can no longer do anymore. Like, I fu- like.

• 48:06Chris Williamson?

  Eight months pregnant is like, you're like a globe.

• 48:09Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 48:10Chris Williamson?

  Totally spherical.

• 48:11Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, and she's like, I can't do the dishes anymore, like physically, like.

• 48:14Chris Williamson?

  Ah, because the.

• 48:15Daniel Sloss?

  Cause there's a fu- your fucking baby is in the, I can't. And she goes, could you just make my life a little bit easier? And, eh, that night while she was asleep, my dad welded a semi-circle into the thing so that she could get it.

• 48:30Chris Williamson?

  Oh my god.

• 48:31Daniel Sloss?

  Which is, yeah.

• 48:33Chris Williamson?

  Wow.

• 48:33Daniel Sloss?

  Hmm.

• 48:34Chris Williamson?

  I mean.

• 48:35Daniel Sloss?

  A level of pettiness I aspire to.

• 48:38Chris Williamson?

  Unbelievable. I'm, I'm, I'm actually really, really impressed.

• 48:41Daniel Sloss?

  Yeah, no, she gave, she fucking beat the shit out of him, she absolutely shinned him.

• 48:45Chris Williamson?

  Man, Daniel, I, I've absolutely loved today. Thank you very much.

• 48:48Daniel Sloss?

  Thank you very much for having me on.

• 48:49Chris Williamson?

  Um, can you tell the listeners where they can find you online and what shows you're gonna be doing, where you're gonna be soon?

• 48:55Daniel Sloss?

  Eh, so you can, eh, I would, across the board, I would just recommend going on to Netflix. Eh, I've got two, eh, Netflix specials on there. They're called Daniel's Last Live Shows. First one's called Dark, the second one's called Jigsaw. Eh, if you enjoy those specials, eh, I'm on tour literally everywhere in the world. Um, go on to danielsloss.com and if you don't enjoy the specials.

• 49:16Chris Williamson?

  Cool.

• 49:17Daniel Sloss?

  Don't let me know. I don't need to know. Eh, I don't need to know. I have no interest in you if you find me crap. Just move on, forget me, I'll forget you. Peace and love.

• 49:26Chris Williamson?

  Man, thank you very much for your time. It's been awesome.

• 49:28Daniel Sloss?

  Cheers.