Armchair Anonymous: Little League/Coaching

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy little league/coaching incident. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Miniature Mouse.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Here I am.

• 0:08Dax Shepard?

  Hi there.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:10Dax Shepard?

  How you doing?

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Pretty good.

• 0:11Dax Shepard?

  Pretty good.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm in the holiday spirit.

• 0:14Dax Shepard?

  Did this prompt make you wish you had played Little League baseball?

• 0:19Speaker 01

  No.

• 0:20Dax Shepard?

  No, me neither. I went to a ton of Little League games because I supported Aaron. I'd go to all his games.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Oh, that's cute. I do love going to a Little League game or to a high school game.

• 0:33Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 0:34Speaker 01

  Something very nostalgic about that.

• 0:35Dax Shepard?

  I'm about to enter that.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Phase.

• 0:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, where Lincoln goes to a school that has sports and I get emails inviting to sports. She's not even on, but you know, should we go support? The school and I very much want to. I think that sounds really fun.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  That's so fun. I want to go.

• 0:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you can come. They need support.

• 0:53Speaker 01

  Critique the cheerleaders.

• 0:55Dax Shepard?

  I don't even know that there's cheerleaders.

• 0:57Speaker 01

  That's sexist.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Okay, instead I will start a cheerleading squad.

• 1:04Dax Shepard?

  Okay. I don't even know if there is. I'm just, if ever there wasn't going to be one at an all-girls school, I feel like maybe that would be the place.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  They should still have cheerleaders. Cheerleaders are their own thing.

• 1:14Dax Shepard?

  Let's just get clarification for you. You like competitive cheer.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  No, I hated sideline cheer.

• 1:19Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you're not, you don't really want Gail's.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  No, but they can do competition.

• 1:25Dax Shepard?

  Okay, but just it wouldn't be a part of the sports game I'm going to see, right?

• 1:28Speaker 01

  No, it is. It's the same squad. So for us, anyway, our competition squad cheered varsity football.

• 1:36Dax Shepard?

  But you didn't? You did?

• 1:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, we did. We had to.

• 1:38Dax Shepard?

  But you didn't like that part?

• 1:39Speaker 01

  No, I didn't. It felt annoying. I like the vibe of the games and the ambiance, but I wasn't really into sideline cheering very much. But we did use it as like we practiced stunts and anyway, it was part of it. It was part of it.

• 1:54Dax Shepard?

  Now, what I liked, and I know you guys didn't have this, but we had pom-pom.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:58Dax Shepard?

  And they came out at halftime. They weren't there on the sidelines bouncing around during the game, but halftime came and they put on a full dance routine.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:07Dax Shepard?

  And that was, Sassy Feld was one of the premier members of that team.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, JV, we did that. So when I was in JV or freshman football, we did have a halftime dance.

• 2:21Dax Shepard?

  You did, and you liked that.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it was nerve wracking, but yeah.

• 2:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay. All right. Well, this is about little league coaching disasters and we have four of them coming your way. All of them are pretty PG. You might want to skip it because there's really nothing to see.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  No, don't say that.

• 2:35Dax Shepard?

  Okay, now we, okay. I like the idea that you shouldn't listen no matter what.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  This one, okay. Yeah, but I'm scared of that one a little bit. Oh my gosh, hold on.

• 2:45Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Uh, when I was at Sephora the other day, I ran into a very fashionable armcherry and her son and her son listens.

• 2:53Dax Shepard?

  How old was he?

• 2:54Speaker 01

  I didn't ask, but my guess is 13.

• 2:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  And it was so sweet.

• 2:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I like that.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  I hope he enjoys this episode.

• 3:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, he might get some PTSD. Maybe he's been in one of these situations.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  Then I hope he doesn't listen.

• 3:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Did you call him Tiger?

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Champ.

• 3:09Dax Shepard?

  Champ. Okay. Please enjoy little league coaching disaster crazy stories. We get support from Quince.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself. Because let's be honest, self gifting is a love language.

• 3:37Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high quality staples are made with premium materials like a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold and Italian leather, full on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater is starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 4:04Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm going to tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California and I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 4:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here. And it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's. Very important. And they also have five star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 4:38Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glee Ron. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP one medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight

• 5:20Dax Shepard?

  who also have weight related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.

• 5:25Speaker 02

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• 6:06Speaker 02

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• 6:43Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 6:44Dax Shepard?

  Hi there. Oh, wow. Immediate connection.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  We love that. That's very rare.

• 6:48Dax Shepard?

  Almost never happens.

• 6:49Speaker 03

  Hey, I do what I can to help you out.

• 6:51Dax Shepard?

  And you sound phenomenal. Are you a podcaster?

• 6:55Speaker 03

  I have to do a little bit of. Podcasting for my job, but yeah, they hooked us up with some sweet gear.

• 6:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you sound phenomenal. Maybe even better than us.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  I know. I'm jealous of your mic.

• 7:04Dax Shepard?

  Are you recording?

• 7:05Speaker 03

  I am recording. We're set.

• 7:07Dax Shepard?

  Matt, you're on top of it. Are you an overachiever?

• 7:10Speaker 03

  Sometimes. My wife would tell you, I need to slow down.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good. You sound like one of us.

• 7:16Dax Shepard?

  Where are you at?

• 7:17Speaker 03

  I am in the western suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota.

• 7:21Dax Shepard?

  Oh, we love Minneapolis.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Nice guys.

• 7:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, good guys.

• 7:25Speaker 03

  Oh, and this story is all about Minnesota nice. Let me tell you.

• 7:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful. Tell us, set the scene.

• 7:31Speaker 03

  It's pretty raw because it just happened. It happened in June. It takes place at my daughter's eight and under machine pitch, fast pitch softball game.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Oh, what's a machine pitch?

• 7:43Speaker 03

  In Minnesota, we use this funky blue spring loaded arm and you'll put the ball in and you pull this little lever and shoots the ball in at about 35 miles an hour.

• 7:55Dax Shepard?

  It's mechanical. Yeah, it's not automated. So you still have to load it. A person has to pull it.

• 8:00Speaker 03

  Yep. And there's a little bit of skill to it. You know, we have a couple of coaches who put on like a little tutorial and they teach you how to do it. And the ball go every, if you put the ball in wrong or it's wet, next thing you know, you're putting it into the girl's ear.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 8:12Dax Shepard?

  And can there be a strike or does it always throw a perfect ball?

• 8:15Speaker 03

  Oh God, no, it is terrible sometimes. It just really depends about the user. There's a spring. So if the spring goes bad, if there's a wind, I feel like it's bad. The point of me saying it's machine pitch though, is like, this is entry level softball. Nobody's getting the full ride tomorrow. We're learning how to throw the ball, catch the ball, where to throw the ball, all those pieces.

• 8:35Dax Shepard?

  Last question, is it coed or just girls only?

• 8:38Speaker 03

  Girls only. This is girls, fast pitch softball. So my daughter's been playing now for a few years since she was like five. And now she's going on 10, but she'd been in machine pitch for a couple of years. And this year was unique because she wanted to try out for an A level team. So like an advanced team. When you sign your player up, you check the box to be a parent volunteer. I always do that. I loved to coach. I've been a head coach. I've been an assistant. So I always check the box and this year I got to be head coach of an A team.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  There's some differences. Is one, the players actually give a damn. They want to play. They love practice and they really want to win. The parents are in the same place and they may want to win a little bit more than their player sometimes. I've been very fortunate. Our parents were great people. I didn't ever really get that vibe, but some of the teams we've played. Mom and dad are living vicariously through their eight year old.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  So it's a Saturday morning. We're an A team playing in the top tier of the Minnesota State Tournament.

• 9:34Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. You made it to the state tournament.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  And when you play at you, everybody makes it to the state tournament.

• 9:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 9:39Speaker 03

  But we're in the tier one, which was shocking to me because I wouldn't say we won a lot of games.

• 9:45Dax Shepard?

  All right.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  Everybody gets ranked and they have some weird algorithm and I don't really understand it, but they're going to rank these eight year old girls. And we're like the 15th seed out of 20 in tier one. And if you follow March Madness in a bracket, you know, the bottom seeds are going to play the top seeds. So we're going to play a team that has won more than they've lost. In fact, I don't know if they had lost more than like three or four games.

• 10:05Dax Shepard?

  Well, I was going to say, given the fact you made the top tier with a losing record, tells me that there are a handful of teams that won every fucking match and then everyone else is kind of normal.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. In fact, the first team we played for the season beat us by one run. They went undefeated the rest of the year.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 10:23Speaker 03

  So we get into this tournament and it's a Saturday morning. It's beautiful. We have a 9am game time. Before the game, we met with the umpire at home plate. You know, it's both coaches, a couple of players from the team. And the umpire is walking us through the rules and there's some key rules for eight U softball. You can't advance on an overthrow. Girls can't run extra bases on ground balls that are fielded in the infield. So really the game is kind of a checkers match and they go one base at a time.

• 10:51Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Unless you've got girls who are like five, six, and they say they're eight or nine, but they might be 11 and they're hitting bombs to like left center. They walked us through that you could have a couple of coaches in the field. We had a 70 minute time limit. The kicker is the umpire who's walking us through this is holding the rulebook because she's 13 years old.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 11:10Dax Shepard?

  Interesting.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  And this is her first game.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 11:14Dax Shepard?

  That's a lot of pressure.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  I know what.

• 11:17Dax Shepard?

  She's on the umpire track.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  Welcome to the Thunderdome. Holy shit. Here you go. Good luck. So we get into it. I'll just fast forward to the fourth inning. We're winning seven to nothing. We had a girl backhand a ball and throw it from third base to first on a line. And she had never done that in her life.

• 11:34Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 11:35Speaker 03

  We were on fire. So there's some run limits too. In AU, you can only score five runs an inning. When you get into the fourth inning of a five inning game, you start doing some math and you're like, oh, if we score four runs, this game's over. So I tell our coaches and our coaches are like, great, here we go. And we went out and just wet the bed and we went one, two, three. We get through four innings, it's seven to three. We go in to the fifth inning. We have now run out of time. All the other games are letting out and the teams that are playing next on our field are warming up in the outfield and all their fans are coming in. So we have a crowd and it's getting heated.

• 12:12Speaker 03

  And as they start to score, things start coming out of their mouths like they don't deserve to win.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Oh geez.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  Typically you hear them coach each other's kids up, but now they're coming at my players. So all of a sudden it's seven to six. There's two outs and the bases are low in the bottom of the last inning. We have an audience. This girl comes up and hits a BB at my third baseman, who thankfully was probably our best player on the team. She was a stud and she misplayed it and it bounces off of her knee. She feels it. She gets to third base, steps on the bag, beats the girl, and I'm thinking game's over. And the umpire, 13 year old girl, calls her safe.

• 12:50Dax Shepard?

  Uh oh. Wait, was she just at a disadvantaged viewing spot?

• 12:54Speaker 03

  I'll get to it here in just a second. My wife would tell you, I jumped about 14 feet in the air and yelled no at the top of my lungs. I did not argue with the umpire. She's 13. They're going to miss the call. And we didn't have umpires all season. Mostly coaches called the games because it's beginner softball. So who gives a fuck?

• 13:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, sure. Also though, Minnesota honor policy works probably in Minnesota. Not everywhere.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  Nobody lies here, right?

• 13:20Speaker 03

  I start running to third base because I gotta check on this girl. Both of my coaches on the field now huddle the girls up because based on what has happened, the game's tied seven to seven and they can win it with one more run because they can score five in an inning and that'll be their fifth. I have another coach who asks the umpire, can you just clarify what you saw? And the umpire said, oh yeah, your third baseman beat her to the bag, but she had to tag her. And our manager, coach goes, why? It was bases loaded and the umpire like has this aha moment and she goes, you are a hundred percent right. And she announces very loudly, coaches, I'm reversing my call. The runner's out. I'm like, it's a force out. The game is over. And she goes, you're right, coaches, line them up. Game's over.

• 14:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh no, this poor.

• 14:05Speaker 03

  This poor 13 year old girl. So now she's changed the call.

• 14:07Dax Shepard?

  No, no, when you get a third person out, you automatically get five runs. We won by six points. You're right.

• 14:15Speaker 03

  And I'm like, great, line it up. And the fans in the other stands have gone ape.

• 14:21Dax Shepard?

  Oh wow.

• 14:22Speaker 03

  And they are screaming at the 13 year old girl, like they are letting her happen.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  How dare you? You can't do that. You're not allowed to change calls. You're such a bitch. They're calling her names. They're like, how the fuck could you do this to us? They are lighting her up. The parents are screaming at our girls. They're now also telling the girls, don't line up, shake their hands.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 14:46Speaker 03

  These girls are cheaters, they're liars, they don't deserve it. Our girls are hearing this and the tears start rolling.

• 14:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh no.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  This guy comes screaming through our dugout, making a straight line for the umpire. He's charging at the 13 year old girl.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 15:03Speaker 03

  What the fuck?

• 15:04Dax Shepard?

  People lose themselves.

• 15:06Speaker 03

  One of our coaches sees this and he steps in immediately. And this guy's like 6'2", 220.

• 15:11Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  And the guy's onto the field yelling, fuck you, you bitch. I have words for you. You fucking ruined our season. He's going off on her, right? My coach gets in between him and her at about the first base bag. Our girls are sobbing and my other coaches are now like, put their heads together and like bear hug them and they're like, giving them positive love and affirmation. You know, they're like, you're great, you're beautiful, gosh darn it, people like, you know. Meanwhile, I'm listening to this assistant coach who's like my brother. I'm listening to his voice go up and up and louder. And I'm like, this is getting bad. And I look and this guy's like poking him in the chest.

• 15:52Dax Shepard?

  The angry dad's poking your buddy.

• 15:53Speaker 03

  Yep, except he's not a dad. We didn't know that yet. And he shoves my assistant coach.

• 15:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 15:59Speaker 03

  And I watched like the slow motion of his arms cocking back to like light this guy up. And I go running and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get out of here. You need to go get our girls lined up. I've got this. And now I'm face to face with the angry citizen who wants to crush this umpire. Pretty sure I heard the C word at one point.

• 16:19Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  It was unbelievable. And I'm like hurting him off the field like he's a cow.

• 16:24Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  And I'm like, sir, you have to quit cussing. I need you off the field. And he's screaming at me like at an 11. So I'm talking to him at like a three. My wife hates me for it. I do it all the time.

• 16:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  So I'm like talking to this guy and I think I've got him calmed down. And all of a sudden I'm like arms out. I'm ushering him off. He goes, don't you dare fucking touch me. And boom, right under my left eye.

• 16:46Dax Shepard?

  What? He throws a punch.

• 16:48Speaker 03

  Throws a punch. Now I did not know I was in a boxing match.

• 16:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, your, your three backfired on you. You went to three, he went to 17.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  He went to 17, popped me in the eye. I go tumbling backwards.

• 17:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh my God.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  I've never been punched before and I would say it was a good punch. It wasn't the best punch, but he got me.

• 17:08Dax Shepard?

  He tagged ya.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  He surprised the shit out of me.

• 17:10Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure. Been there. And it takes you a good 20 seconds before you put all the pieces together like, okay. Huh, I was standing, I'm laying down. Oh, and I heard a crack in my head. Oh, right, I've been punched. Oh, here we are. Right, you gotta kind of like catch up to what's happening.

• 17:24Speaker 03

  All of that. I mean, I'm on the ground. I look over, the girls are still sobbing and now they're really freaked out.

• 17:30Dax Shepard?

  Yes, Coach Matt just got put on his ass.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  I know. Coach Matt is on the ground, looking around dazed and totally confused. And our fans obviously erupted and it's the state tournament. So it's aunts, uncles, grandparents, but other teams had made their way. Listening to what was going on. So now there's coaches from other teams and they're chasing this guy out. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in a pile of dirt and I look at one of our parents and I said, did that guy just fucking punch me? And she goes, yeah, he did. And I'm talking to the police right now.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  So 911 gets called. Now other teams players are sobbing.

• 18:10Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 18:12Speaker 03

  They've seen it. It's become like a crime right here on this field. So this guy and his girlfriend tried to flee the scene. We had parents that had to sit on the bumper of this car. Then we had to look at our players and say, okay, you just won. You have to go play again. Like, good luck. Use this energy. I mean, they were a mess. Half the girls wanted to quit. We had players from other teams that wanted to quit. And now I'm like, somebody's got to clean the dugout because I've got to go talk to the police for the next 45 minutes and press charges. Because you don't get to do this. You don't get to behave like that on the field. The worst part, I think about it too, was that the other coaches never came and checked on us. They denied knowing this guy. This was an uncle of a player.

• 18:55Dax Shepard?

  Okay, uncles. Yeah.

• 18:56Speaker 03

  Uncles get serious at 8U softball. Okay, they get fucking irate. And now we're like picking up the pieces and I became a celebrity at that tournament for all the wrong reasons that day.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's huge.

• 19:08Dax Shepard?

  So did you guys lose the next game?

• 19:10Speaker 03

  You guys, I'm going to be really honest. We kicked the shit out of the next team.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  And then we went home for the night and then the adrenaline went away and we came back the next day and got thumped. But we finished fourth in state, which was great. I will tell you, the core memory of these girls is not fourth in state. It's Coach Matt in the dirt.

• 19:28Dax Shepard?

  What did your daughter think of all this?

• 19:31Speaker 03

  So my daughter, thankfully, she had her back to me when I got hit. So she had a lot of questions about, why would someone get so mad about a little league game?

• 19:40Speaker 01

  There's no answer for that.

• 19:42Dax Shepard?

  Hard to answer.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  We went to Zoom traffic court, basically. He had come to terms with his mistake and pled guilty.

• 19:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good.

• 19:50Speaker 03

  He could have gotten some jail time, I think, but they pled him out with some money, a lot of community service, anger management. I hope that sticks.

• 19:58Dax Shepard?

  Sure. Did you? Find out if he had any priors for cold cocking strangers in public?

• 20:03Speaker 03

  He had never been arrested for cold cocking somebody. He'd been arrested for other things.

• 20:08Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  He almost punched that 13 year old. That was gonna happen if no one had intervened.

• 20:13Speaker 03

  If he had gotten to the umpire, I think that probably gets pretty ugly, right?

• 20:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:17Dax Shepard?

  Even when you call her an umpire, I lose track of it. They're like, she shouldn't even be called that, but yes.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  The 13 year old girl who's trying to do her best.

• 20:25Dax Shepard?

  I'm picturing a 62 year old man on the weekend making 20 bucks.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  It's not like she was even out there in like ump gear. She was out there in shorts and a t-shirt. This was like her warmup. Like, do I want to go be an umpire and get paid on the weekends when I'm not playing competitive travel softball myself? And next day she showed back up. Like she was there. Now, her mom came with her the next day and I think I probably would have too.

• 20:48Dax Shepard?

  Oh boy. Madness. That's crazy.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Devolved.

• 20:52Dax Shepard?

  We have a friend who's almost permanently at a little league game. He's got two boys. Two weeks can't go by without him reporting on some dad who goes berserk. It's crazy to me that people don't enter going like, okay, we know the bad thing. I can't be that dude. It's not like we don't know about this archetype.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  What's fascinating to me is I played competitive sports growing up forever. So I've been in this for 35 years. I've never seen that. I've seen some crazy. I've seen guys throw buckets of balls on the field and I've seen guys get thrown out for arguing balls and strikes and dropping F bombs and saying inappropriate things to umpires. But I've never seen someone go on to a field and chase down an umpire. That's next level crazy. And I blame participation trophies.

• 21:34Speaker 03

  Everybody thinks they deserve to win. It's like, come on, you gotta lose. That's part of the game.

• 21:38Dax Shepard?

  The majority of people don't win the championship.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 21:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Monica would know what that's like.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  I do majority win the championship, so I don't know, but I don't really imagine.

• 21:47Dax Shepard?

  Loser. Yeah. Well, Matt, that was delightful. I'm sorry you got tagged, but also I'm glad I got to hear about it.

• 21:54Speaker 03

  Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. I'm sorry I even got tagged too. I think at the end of the day, we're glad I was the one that got hit.

• 21:59Dax Shepard?

  And this is a very weird thing to say, but I also think it's good for a man to get blasted once in the face before they die. You know, we should all have had that experience. I mean, not really, but also I kind of feel that way.

• 22:09Speaker 03

  It was eye opening.

• 22:10Dax Shepard?

  You live in fear of it your whole childhood and then it happens and you live.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  I just, I think was always really good at evading the right hook and this time I just was ill prepared for it.

• 22:19Dax Shepard?

  Right. All right. Well, great meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story, Matt.

• 22:22Speaker 03

  Yeah. I hope you guys have a really nice holiday season.

• 22:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay. You too, brother. Take care.

• 22:26Speaker 03

  Bye bye.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  You missed my really good joke. Luckily, Rob heard it.

• 22:30Dax Shepard?

  I know. I looked over and you guys were giggling to each other.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, cuz he said it was eye opening and I said it was eye closing.

• 22:36Dax Shepard?

  That's really good.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  Do you wanna punch me in the face a little bit?

• 22:39Dax Shepard?

  Never.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  I kinda do wanna know what it feels like.

• 22:42Dax Shepard?

  Right. That's what I'm saying. It's like, I can only speak as being a boy. You're seeing your buddies get punched all the time. You're so afraid of it happening. And then it happens and you're like, that's okay.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, except you wouldn't say that about a car crash.

• 22:51Dax Shepard?

  I might.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 22:53Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  If you can go through life without getting in a car crash, that's best case scenario.

• 22:57Dax Shepard?

  Well, yeah, maybe that's.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  Do you wanna try to punch my leg so that could be kinda like it?

• 23:01Dax Shepard?

  I don't wanna punch you at all.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  Rob, do you wanna punch my leg and see what it's like? Have you ever punched anyone?

• 23:09Dax Shepard?

  Just Vinnie. When I was a kid, probably. Can you imagine if someone punched Vinnie?

• 23:14Speaker 01

  No, that's what I'm saying. You don't want Vinnie to get punched in his life. I don't.

• 23:18Dax Shepard?

  Well, only if he was afraid of it and he lived in great fear of it and then it happened. He was like, okay, I don't need to worry that much about that. It's not a big deal. Only in that scenario.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  It's very, very.

• 23:27Dax Shepard?

  It's very specific. Set of guidelines I want Vinnie to get punched under.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  To the arm trees who heard that, don't take this as an invite if you see me on the street to punch me, okay?

• 23:47Dax Shepard?

  We get support from No Bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  That's when you really need to ground yourself.

• 23:59Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole No Bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex, and the Drive Two. I like the Drive Two because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 24:30Dax Shepard?

  Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  And if you're a cardio. Person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.

• 24:40Dax Shepard?

  And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable. Lots of support. They were built for lifting.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.

• 24:57Dax Shepard?

  Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobolproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Okay. Can we talk about how November is basically survival mode between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything? Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.

• 25:19Dax Shepard?

  It really is the foundation and I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It's taking like two minutes. And they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep, not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds.

• 25:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Recently.

• 25:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it. And I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.

• 25:53Dax Shepard?

  Temperature was all over the map.

• 25:54Speaker 01

  It was a mess. I need a new one.

• 25:56Dax Shepard?

  Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night. There's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic. The experts agree.

• 26:17Dax Shepard?

  Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 26:44Dax Shepard?

  Megan, is it?

• 26:45Speaker 04

  Yes, Megan.

• 26:46Dax Shepard?

  Nice to meet you. Where are you?

• 26:47Speaker 04

  I'm in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

• 26:49Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 26:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay, yes. Monica's on a pun kick right now. This is like the third in a row. I swear, we had very little Oklahomans, and now we've had like three in a row, yeah.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  It's spreading there.

• 27:02Speaker 04

  I've been proselytizing you guys to everyone I know.

• 27:05Dax Shepard?

  Thank you. So are you the parent of a little leaguer?

• 27:09Speaker 04

  Not yet. I have a five-year-old son. He's about to start playing basketball.

• 27:12Dax Shepard?

  But you have a little league story.

• 27:13Speaker 04

  This is my story, yes.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Oh, yay!

• 27:15Dax Shepard?

  Wonderful. It's a personal story. First of all, can I see your T-shirt?

• 27:19Speaker 04

  Yes, it's you.

• 27:21Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God!

• 27:22Speaker 01

  What?

• 27:23Dax Shepard?

  I've never seen that. That's incredible.

• 27:25Speaker 04

  It's from Etsy, so it's not off your website.

• 27:28Dax Shepard?

  We encourage people to make as much shit as they want. We're not litigious.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  Oh, absolutely.

• 27:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, go crazy.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  But we are gonna have a new merch drop coming soon for anyone who wants more merch.

• 27:37Speaker 04

  I was wondering about that, so that's awesome. I'll be on the lookout.

• 27:40Dax Shepard?

  All right, so yeah, hit us with little league.

• 27:42Speaker 04

  So, this story takes place in 1994, small town Oklahoma. I was nine years old. My brother, he's five years older than me, so he had been playing little league for several years before I got to the age where I was ready to start playing. I loved every part of being at his games, and my dad was always his coach, so my parents just kind of thought, well, we'll throw in little league with the boys versus softball. I was all for that, so I was a decent player. I was pitcher for my teams most of the time.

• 28:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 28:10Speaker 04

  I didn't throw super hard, but I was really accurate and consistent. But because I was pretty good, I hadn't really had a whole lot of boys teasing me about being a girl on the team or anything like that yet. But one day, we were about to play a game, and me and my teammates were warming up, and this kid from the other team comes over, and he says something to the effect of, "You guys have a girl on your team? We're gonna kill you guys." Like, girls suck at sports, basically, is what he was saying.

• 28:35Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm, yeah. Standard fair.

• 28:37Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 28:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  I was pretty pissed, and my dad, he was an assistant coach on this team, and he saw that I was pretty upset. He asked me what the kid said, and I told him, and he said, "Well, what do you think you're gonna do?" And I said, "Well, I'll just strike him out every time he comes up."

• 28:51Speaker 01

  Yep, that's right.

• 28:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:53Speaker 04

  My dad said, "Well, I think he needs to learn a lesson."

• 28:55Dax Shepard?

  I had a hunch maybe dad might say, "Why don't you beam him?" But continue.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  These are two approaches.

• 29:00Speaker 04

  Two good options. So I'm pitching that game and this kid comes up in like the third inning, which tells you that he sucks.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, I hate this kid.

• 29:11Dax Shepard?

  And then maybe you could even be compassionate.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:13Dax Shepard?

  He sucks. Now he's insecure. So he's gotta make other people feel bad.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  I don't.

• 29:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay, alright.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  I didn't feel bad for him. It pissed me off even more because he thought he was automatically better than me.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 29:22Speaker 04

  Because I was a girl. So anyways, third inning, kid comes up and I start pitching to him. I pitch the first pitch, straight down the middle. Kid swings and misses. Second pitch, same thing. I throw it right down the middle. He swings and misses. So I've got two strikes on him, no balls. Right before I throw the third pitch, I look over at my dad and he's just got this look on his face. He nods his head up and down like, yeah, you know what to do.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  I love your dad.

• 29:47Dax Shepard?

  This is uncharacteristic of you, Monica. You're voting for violence. This is not like you.

• 29:51Speaker 04

  Right? Yeah, you never go for violence.

• 29:54Dax Shepard?

  This is my role.

• 29:55Speaker 01

  This little shit deserves it.

• 29:57Speaker 04

  Third pitch, I throw it as hard as I possibly can, right at this kid's body. I didn't throw it at his head. I wasn't trying to kill him.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  That was nice of you.

• 30:05Dax Shepard?

  Monica's upset, but continue.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  You could have, but you showed some mercy.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  The kid panics when he sees the ball coming at him. And instead of turning away from it, he opens his body to it and it just lands right in the middle of his chest. Everyone could hear the thud. And he immediately falls to the ground, throws his bat, and he just starts bawling.

• 30:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so now did it turn, Monica? Are you still in?

• 30:29Speaker 01

  I'm still kinda in.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  I mean, he's definitely an incel right now. That I do know is what the product of this was.

• 30:38Speaker 04

  The umpire was finally like, hey, you can take your base to first base. And about that time, his mom had come down out of the stands, out onto the field and took the kid out of the game and they left completely.

• 30:49Speaker 01

  The country?

• 30:50Speaker 04

  Maybe. Amongst all of that drama, I looked up in the stands to my mom and she was pissed off, like I could tell.

• 30:57Dax Shepard?

  At you or your dad?

• 30:59Speaker 04

  Well, she knew I had done it on purpose. She had a hunch that he was behind the whole thing.

• 31:05Speaker 04

  So later that night, we got a pretty good lecture about how terrible the lesson that is for a nine-year-old. Fair. But I felt vindicated. I loved every second of it.

• 31:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good, good, good, good.

• 31:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:17Dax Shepard?

  I hope that's the last time he opened his mouth to a girl, but I'm afraid it maybe got worse.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  I'm afraid too.

• 31:23Dax Shepard?

  I know love's the answer, Monica. It's hard.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  Tell him love is the answer. He sucks.

• 31:29Speaker 04

  Well, the funniest part of the story is years later, I ended up having a one night stand with this guy.

• 31:34Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Stop it. Stop it.

• 31:36Dax Shepard?

  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You gotta give us a little more than that. Under what circumstance?

• 31:43Dax Shepard?

  I gotta love this left turn.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Did you give him blue balls? Was this like a long game?

• 31:47Speaker 04

  I ended up going to high school with him and when this all happened, I didn't make the connection at this time. I didn't realize it was the same kid until later on. And I don't know if he made the connection either. Obviously he wasn't too bad hurt about it.

• 31:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 31:59Speaker 04

  Let's just say he was about as good in bed as he was at playing baseball.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  Oh, this piece of shit.

• 32:05Dax Shepard?

  I mean, the bar is fucking low.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  No, he sucks. He sucks. We knew it then and we know it now.

• 32:11Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 32:14Dax Shepard?

  I love that you hooked up with him. That's crazy.

• 32:17Speaker 04

  What would you do in that situation, Dax, if a kid said something when you're a girl's?

• 32:21Dax Shepard?

  It's really funny you would bring this up because I didn't foresee this would ever be a thing that I would have to deal with having girls, but I'll leave them for you to guess. But one of them has a classmate that keeps touching her inappropriately and she has told her like very directly, do not touch me. Again, I'm gonna be a little sympathetic. This girl's probably got something going on. I don't know why she is this way.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  Oh, it's a girl doing it?

• 32:42Dax Shepard?

  I hate to, I have to assume something's not great at home.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:47Dax Shepard?

  And they're young and I said, okay, well, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna make the teacher aware of this and that is step one. And if it does not correct itself, you have my full blessing to do whatever you want. If someone's ever touching you inappropriately, whatever has to happen, I stand by you in this situation. So weirdly that just came up.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  I approve of that.

• 33:08Dax Shepard?

  Okay, TBD.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Teacher first, you know, you do all the protocols. Hopefully that will work.

• 33:14Dax Shepard?

  But you don't let someone touch your body if you don't want them to.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  No, you don't.

• 33:16Dax Shepard?

  Again, it breaks my heart because I think this girl's probably already got some stuff going on. So I don't also want her to get beat up, but I've seen Delta go after her older sister and, uh, I mean, that's.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  It's obvious.

• 33:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's kinda obvious. I've seen Delta go after her older sister and I have had the thought, I hope no one ends up on the other end of her because she is a feisty motherfucker.

• 33:35Speaker 04

  I love it.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  It's good quality.

• 33:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Megan, what a story.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was fantastic. I love that story.

• 33:43Dax Shepard?

  Mine gets horny.

• 33:44Speaker 04

  I want to say something real quick before I go. I know you don't like talking about day seven, but May of 2022, I was in a gnarly relapse. And one day I had a particularly bad night and the next day I was home alone and decided to listen to day seven again. And when you started talking about how it just hit you all of a sudden that you needed to get honest with Kristen and Monica, that sat with me and it was just like, oh my God, I have to get honest with my wife and everyone. And so later that night I told her everything I'd been hiding and a week later I got into treatment and I've been sober ever since.

• 34:18Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. Congratulations. That's so beautiful.

• 34:22Dax Shepard?

  Yes, yes.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  Oh, you're killing it.

• 34:25Dax Shepard?

  How liberating is that, huh? To finally stop carrying all that?

• 34:28Speaker 04

  It's great. In fact, we're going through some tough stuff with my son right now and I'm like, thank God I'm sober, man. It would be way worse.

• 34:35Dax Shepard?

  That's the big gift, right? You can show up for people.

• 34:37Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 34:37Dax Shepard?

  Thanks for telling me that.

• 34:38Speaker 04

  Yes, of course. You guys take care.

• 34:40Dax Shepard?

  You two keep proselytizing.

• 34:42Speaker 04

  Okay, I will.

• 34:42Dax Shepard?

  All right.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 34:44Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  She's awesome.

• 34:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I love her.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  I hate that boy.

• 34:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you really hate that boy.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  Was it you?

• 34:50Dax Shepard?

  Really brought up some stuff. No, I didn't talk to girls like that. I was a nice boy-ish.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  You talk to me mean.

• 34:56Dax Shepard?

  You talk to me mean.

• 34:57Speaker 01

  I know.

• 34:58Dax Shepard?

  You're a worthy adversary.

• 35:01Dax Shepard?

  Now, you know, I say I don't like when people spell standard names differently. I'm really enjoying the spelling of this.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  What is it?

• 35:07Dax Shepard?

  M A D I.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  Oh, I like that.

• 35:09Dax Shepard?

  Right? That's good. I reversed my position. Reverse back. Hello?

• 35:14Speaker 05

  Hi.

• 35:15Dax Shepard?

  I was just saying, Maddie, I generally don't like when people spell a standard name differently, yet here I am. I love M A D I.

• 35:23Speaker 05

  Thanks. My name's Madison and so when I was little and people called me Maddie, I just cut off the S O N.

• 35:28Dax Shepard?

  Ditch the sun.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  Smart, efficient.

• 35:30Dax Shepard?

  Okay, Maddie, you have a little league story?

• 35:32Speaker 05

  I do. For context, I grew up in Northern Virginia, which is kind of intense with sports, kind of intense. With academics.

• 35:38Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, why? Is that where George Washington is? What's there? Why is it academically hard?

• 35:43Speaker 05

  It might just be because it's outside of DC, but I know that it's like nationally ranked.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 35:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 35:48Speaker 05

  And I did crew, I rode for my high school and we had to practice five days a week. We had races on Saturdays and it was a whole day affair. Also, we were required to go to this training camp every spring break. And it was in South Carolina. Our whole team would get in a bus and we would drive eight or nine hours down to South Carolina to go to this crew camp and we would practice and train for six to eight hours every day for a whole week. It was fun. It was a cool destination. It was a boy scout camp, so the place itself was maybe a little bit rundown, but it was fun for high school. We were having a great time. We were a little sleep deprived. It was all together. Good experience. And we were down there and I've got two kind of related stories to share from the same trip.

• 36:33Speaker 05

  Also, our coach was probably as old as I am now. I'm like 27. I don't think this guy could have been older than I am.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  Oh, oh.

• 36:42Dax Shepard?

  Well, hold on. Don't worry yet. Don't worry.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 36:44Speaker 05

  He was in the military and then wasn't anymore. I think he had some sort of experience with crew and he took himself very seriously. But we as a team maybe didn't take him as seriously as he would have maybe liked to.

• 36:56Dax Shepard?

  I can picture it perfectly.

• 36:58Speaker 05

  Yeah. So he had the idea that we should go on a night row, which isn't a thing. Never done it before, never done it since, but he thought we should go rowing at night by the moonlight. And as an adult now, I know that there are requirements for the kinds of lights that you need to have on a boat to go out in the water at night. You need a little light in the front and a light in the back. We didn't have that. The coach's gift did not have that. And it's kind of a silly atmosphere. It's very leisurely. It's a little whimsical. And we're out here and we're rowing and something hits the bottom of our boat.

• 37:29Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask, are you in a lake or a river?

• 37:31Speaker 05

  We're in a lake and you're not supposed to keep going. If something hits your boat, you're supposed to stop because the rudder underneath can break off. So we stopped rowing and whatever it is that's just hit our boat is now sliding towards the front of our boat, but in a way of like a living creature.

• 37:47Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:48Speaker 05

  Like it's not going in the same direction as the current and we're in South Carolina, so we're sure that this is an alligator.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:56Dax Shepard?

  Of course.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  Oh, I hate your coat.

• 37:59Dax Shepard?

  Straight to gators.

• 38:00Speaker 05

  So that alleged alligator then hits, like thwacks the bottom of the boat in the front.

• 38:07Speaker 05

  So we're spooked, it's dark and we've been messing around this whole time. So the tatter from us is not probably alerting our coach that anything's wrong. The girl in the front of the boat then starts telling everybody that there is water coming in the boat from underneath her feet.

• 38:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 38:23Speaker 05

  We're trying desperately to get the attention of our coach. He comes over. It's really hard to get a little motorized boat next to the really small crew boat that we have. So he's trying to investigate and see what's going on, but he can't really see. So he just takes our word for it and he gets on his coach voice and he's like, all right, we got a power 10 all the way back to the dock. So now this goes from like leisurely funny and then we're rowing full speed all the way back to the dock.

• 38:48Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask a quick question? Did he even bring a flashlight? Did he shine a light at the boat to see if water was coming on?

• 38:54Speaker 05

  He did shine a light. I can't remember if it was his phone flashlight or if it was an actual flashlight.

• 38:59Dax Shepard?

  We know it was the phone. Oh geez, okay.

• 39:01Speaker 05

  So we get back, he sees that there is a hole. We can't take that boat out anymore because we have to repair it back in Virginia. So that boat is out of commission.

• 39:26Speaker 05

  Then we fast forward to the last day of our crew camp. We would always do like a scrimmage. On this day, it was really cold, maybe 45 or 50 degrees and it was really windy and other coaches had safety concerns about putting us out on the water because there was white caps and it was really windy. Obviously, our ex-military coach is having none of that. So he determines that we should probably go on this race, even if it's just the boats from our school. So he's like, we're going to have our own scrimmage. It's going to be great.

• 39:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 39:57Speaker 05

  So we're mad and it's hard to kind of row against the waves and we're generally not having a super great time. And we get like five or 10 minutes out from the dock and then he realizes that the other boat that was with us is lagging behind. So he tells us to pull our boat over into this little cove off the main waterway of the lake. And he says he's gonna go back and check on the other group. So he goes back and we're sitting there and the waves are lapping up on the boat and it's uncomfortable. It's splashing us like it's really cold. Quickly, the boat starts taking on water.

• 40:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 40:30Speaker 05

  Oh, the waves are coming over the side of the boat. We start trying to bail out the boat with our water bottles, with our shoes, and by just splashing water out, that's clearly doing nothing. I don't know how much time elapsed between when he told us to pull over and when we're like waist deep in water, but I think it was five to 10 minutes.

• 40:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 40:52Speaker 05

  And I'm talking like I was up to my waist. The boat was underneath the water, but we were still sitting in it.

• 40:58Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my god.

• 41:00Speaker 05

  He's coming over and we're like arms up in the air screaming, panicking. There's crying, there's laughing. Everything's kind of going on.

• 41:06Dax Shepard?

  At any point, did anyone think to row to shore and get off the fucking boat?

• 41:10Speaker 05

  No one thought about that. And I can't tell you why. There wasn't like a shore shore that we could have rowed to. It was houses with docks and like a seawall. But nobody thought that we should move or do anything.

• 41:23Dax Shepard?

  Right, cuz you've been bludgeoned into submission by a coach.

• 41:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's the literal Stockholm syndrome.

• 41:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the military is dicey cuz sometimes you gotta break that chain of command.

• 41:33Speaker 05

  He comes over and he yells at us and he says, listen to me, you need to row. And at the time, that was the most hilarious instruction that could have been given cuz we're almost sunk. And it's hard to get the oars up out of the water. And so nobody listened to him right away. And then his complex kicks in and he's like, I know what the hell I'm doing. You need to row. And so he's yelling at us. So then we do start trying to get our little oars up out of the water and like push the water back. And we get a little bit of momentum and we come up out of the water a little bit, but barely. And then his next instruction to us is that we need to get rid of our oars. Because these boats are really skinny and the oars are really long. And so the oars are kind of keeping the boat balanced.

• 42:14Speaker 05

  And the goal is essentially for us to abandon the ship and flip it over.

• 42:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 42:20Speaker 05

  We need to jump off on opposite sides of the boat. We all get off. And at this point. My memory is a little bit fuzzy because we're in the water and it's freezing and we know there's alligators in there.

• 42:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, fuck.

• 42:34Speaker 05

  At some point during this predicament, a family came out on their dock and they saw what was happening.

• 42:39Dax Shepard?

  A bunch of young girls dying.

• 42:42Speaker 01

  And some man yelling.

• 42:44Dax Shepard?

  Dishonorably discharged.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:46Dax Shepard?

  Cadet is screaming.

• 42:47Speaker 05

  They must have beckoned to us or to our coach to say that we could come to their dock if we needed to get out of the water. And our coach informed us that he was gonna rescue the boat. He was like, I'm gonna take the boat back so that the boat is safe. So he hooks the boat up to a tow line and it pieces out of the situation.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  What? While you guys are just in the water?

• 43:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, we're in the water. We're fourteen. I'm just really glad we could all swim.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Did you have life vests on?

• 43:14Speaker 05

  No. And we had layers on. Like, I had a sweatshirt and this little Vortex jacket because it was cold. So we're like sailing around. He leaves with the boat. We go up onto the dock of these strangers and then they took us into their house and gave us towels and tea. So luckily they were good Samaritan strangers. Very well. You could have never heard from the nine of us again because he just left.

• 43:36Dax Shepard?

  What a champ.

• 43:37Speaker 05

  We had to call a parent chaperone from the home phone of this nice family's living room and they had to drive from the camp to come get us and bring us back.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 43:48Dax Shepard?

  How many girls are in the boat?

• 43:49Speaker 05

  There are nine. So there's eight that row and then there's one that coaches or is like the captain.

• 43:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. They had nine girls in their kitchen trying to warm up.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Did that coach get fired?

• 43:59Speaker 05

  He didn't come back the next year.

• 44:01Speaker 01

  Okay, good.

• 44:01Dax Shepard?

  Now, how did you guys perform that year? It sounds like you had gone through hell and back. Maybe you would be great after all that.

• 44:07Speaker 05

  We were all right that year. I think that there are other schools that are definitely a lot more competitive than us, but our boat did okay.

• 44:13Dax Shepard?

  Luckily, it didn't go in the direction you were fearing it would.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  Alligators.

• 44:16Dax Shepard?

  No, even before that. You heard twenty-six.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  Oh, I did. I did.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, young.

• 44:22Dax Shepard?

  So at least that wasn't on the table.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  But he sucks. Oh, I bet he was the boy in the baseball game.

• 44:29Dax Shepard?

  You think he grew up and wanted to take out his frustration against women?

• 44:33Speaker 01

  Yes. It's a through line.

• 44:35Dax Shepard?

  Wow. Well, you made it. I'm sure you guys had a blast ripping him apart every time he wasn't looking or listening. That's fun.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  That part's fun.

• 44:43Speaker 06

  Absolutely. It went down in history. We talked about it for years and years and years after.

• 44:47Dax Shepard?

  Well, Maddie, what a disaster. Thanks for telling us that.

• 44:51Speaker 06

  Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  Have a great day.

• 44:54Dax Shepard?

  All right. Nice meeting you.

• 44:55Speaker 06

  You too. Bye.

• 44:56Dax Shepard?

  Bye. Hello?

• 44:59Speaker 06

  I'm gonna cry.

• 45:01Dax Shepard?

  Don't cry yet. Cry at the end. Save it for the end. What name are we gonna use?

• 45:06Speaker 06

  So my name is Mary today.

• 45:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay, Mary, Mary. We love when someone wants a fake name. That feels like it's very promising. Like, maybe there's residual legal issues or something.

• 45:15Speaker 06

  Exactly.

• 45:16Dax Shepard?

  Mary, are you allowed to tell us where you're at, or do you think that'll be too revealing?

• 45:19Speaker 06

  I'm in the Midwest.

• 45:20Dax Shepard?

  That works. That's enough of a stereotype as I need.

• 45:23Speaker 06

  And of course, I'm changing some of the details to protect the innocent.

• 45:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 45:27Speaker 06

  Back when my daughter was in kindergarten, we were trying to get her into different activities to make friends. The sport that she chose first was T-ball. She was so excited about it, made lots of friends through all of that. And as you know, with any group sport, you get added to a group text with tons of people.

• 45:43Dax Shepard?

  If you're the parent, right?

• 45:45Speaker 06

  If you're the parent, you're in the group text, for sure. And so, right off the bat, the first week, getting tons of notifications, I put it on silent and I'm thinking, I'll check this one I can. So around that same time, something that you should know is I was going through a divorce with my ex. And he was having a good time. Different lifestyle. He's single, he's free.

• 46:04Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 46:05Speaker 01

  He's not really dealing with the T-ball.

• 46:07Speaker 06

  He's not dealing with the T-ball text.

• 46:09Dax Shepard?

  Hard to be present with T-ball when you have this other life happening.

• 46:12Speaker 06

  During that time, I also wanted to take my kiddo on vacation. You're just trying to make life as normal as it can be when you're going through something like that. And so I invited a new T-ball mom to go on this trip with me. And again, daughter was very excited. We actually go to Florida. So we're out on the beach, right? We're doing fun things, not looking at my phone. Notifications are off.

• 46:33Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 46:34Speaker 06

  We get back to the room at the end of the night, pick up my phone, at least 50 notifications from the group text.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Oh boy.

• 46:41Speaker 06

  I'm nervous because I'm thinking, oh no, someone got hurt at the T-ball, you know, something innocent happened. So I look at the text messages and the very first one in the list is my ex-husband.

• 46:51Dax Shepard?

  Uh oh.

• 46:52Speaker 06

  He's asking for a sexual favor.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  Stop.

• 46:55Speaker 06

  From someone.

• 46:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, oh.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 47:01Speaker 06

  And that was obviously not intended for the T-ball group text.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Sure. Oh god. If you're comfortable, what did it say? Do you want to spell it out instead?

• 47:11Dax Shepard?

  Do you want to draw a picture for us and we'll describe?

• 47:13Speaker 06

  Can we do like a base?

• 47:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure.

• 47:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 47:15Speaker 06

  Third base.

• 47:16Dax Shepard?

  He wants oral?

• 47:17Speaker 01

  He's requesting third base.

• 47:19Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  From a specific person?

• 47:21Dax Shepard?

  He thinks he's texting with just one member of this group text.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  Oh, somebody on the group text?

• 47:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so he met some other T-baller mom and then he now thinks he's got a side thing going, but he accidentally, he went to her name, Gail, and then got too hasty because he's in the mood for third base, and then he fires off a text and he didn't realize it was the one where they list all the.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:42Dax Shepard?

  Is that right? Is that what happened?

• 47:44Speaker 06

  It's so close, but it wasn't someone from the exchange. I'm looking at these messages, right? And I'm with this fellow mom.

• 47:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh boy.

• 47:51Speaker 06

  On the T-ball team. And I look up at her and she looks at me and our kids are with us and I'm like, I don't know what to do. So you had some dads that were cool about it, like making jokes, like, oh, lucky guy you are.

• 48:03Dax Shepard?

  Oh boy.

• 48:04Speaker 06

  You know, yeah, I'll come over and do that.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 48:09Dax Shepard?

  No one knows what to do.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  Did any women say, how dare you?

• 48:12Speaker 06

  For sure.

• 48:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 48:14Speaker 06

  It got to the point where finally the coach stepped in and was like, hey, guys, this group chat is for kindergarten T-ball. So let's keep it to that and move on. So needless to say, the rest of the T-ball season was very awkward because, you know, I walk up to a mom and you know they want to ask you.

• 48:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:34Speaker 06

  About it.

• 48:35Dax Shepard?

  She must have felt so self-conscious. You're also going through a divorce. I feel like all this would just be so hard to deal with.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  So much.

• 48:43Dax Shepard?

  Like, yeah, I'm going through divorce. Yes, my husband's clearly on the warpath. And now you all know.

• 48:48Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  She doesn't know, thank god, but that people know that your daughter's dad, it's too much. Men, keep it in your pants for a little while longer.

• 48:59Speaker 06

  Be considerate, right?

• 49:00Dax Shepard?

  Okay, two questions. Did your ex-husband respond ever after he realized what he did?

• 49:06Speaker 06

  He said sorry to the group, you know, wasn't intended, obviously for this group text.

• 49:10Dax Shepard?

  And did you sidebar with him?

• 49:12Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Oh, you did.

• 49:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Now, how did that conversation go?

• 49:16Speaker 06

  I was very upset, obviously, you know, I was so embarrassed. Again, you're just going through all this already. And in the moment, it felt like my world was ending, honestly, and I was so angry, but we're fine now. And it's a story to tell. We've come a long way. Great co-parenting relationship.

• 49:30Dax Shepard?

  How many years ago was that?

• 49:31Speaker 06

  12 years ago.

• 49:32Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 49:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 49:35Dax Shepard?

  I can't imagine the searing heat that would shoot through my body the second I realized I had done that. I can't imagine a more embarrassing thing to all the parents. Oof.

• 49:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, as much as you suffered, I guarantee he too, probably.

• 49:53Speaker 01

  I don't know. We don't know how he is.

• 49:55Dax Shepard?

  I doubt he high-fived anyone after that. Did he remarry?

• 49:59Speaker 06

  He did a couple of times.

• 50:00Dax Shepard?

  A couple of times, okay.

• 50:02Speaker 06

  But yeah, I'd say we all lived happily ever after and we're good.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Well, I'm glad everyone's good, or I'm glad you're good.

• 50:07Dax Shepard?

  Weird question. Did any of the fellow T-ball dads see this as a door opening opportunity for you?

• 50:13Speaker 06

  That's so funny that you said that, but no.

• 50:15Dax Shepard?

  I could see someone going like, ah, this poor gal, she's got embarrassed by her husband.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  I'll take advantage of her in her most vulnerable time.

• 50:22Dax Shepard?

  Hey, you, you want to get frisky too, to show them?

• 50:25Speaker 01

  No.

• 50:25Dax Shepard?

  No, out of generosity and kindness.

• 50:27Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 50:28Dax Shepard?

  Okay, you don't like that one bit.

• 50:32Dax Shepard?

  How long have you been listening?

• 50:33Speaker 06

  I started listening during COVID. I'm a very uptight person, as you can probably tell by I changed my name. And I even told her I wanted to change my voice when I was telling the story. But listening to your podcast has just like opened my mind in the best way.

• 50:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 50:48Speaker 06

  I learned so much. I actually have a few people in my life that struggle with addiction and it's hard for you to understand, right? When you haven't been through it, it's been life changing and I just thank you so much for doing what you do.

• 50:58Dax Shepard?

  That makes me so happy, Mary. Oh, my God, what a story. Thank you so much for telling us.

• 51:03Speaker 06

  Thank you. Have a good one.

• 51:04Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care. If you could see her face, what a sweet lady.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  So, so nice.

• 51:09Dax Shepard?

  The last person that deserves to be on that text chain.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  Oh, it's just hard because you're embarrassed, but you're also sad. There's a lot happening.

• 51:16Dax Shepard?

  Jealousy.

• 51:17Speaker 01

  You feel betrayed. Oof, that's a sad one.

• 51:20Dax Shepard?

  That was a hell of a week of her life.

• 51:22Speaker 01

  I don't know if I should state the obvious. I don't think I should.

• 51:26Dax Shepard?

  Do it. What do you say? Men are terrible?

• 51:28Speaker 01

  Lot of bad men in this crop. Lot of men doing some not so hot stuff in this crop. I'm just gonna say that.

• 51:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we didn't have any ladies who really shit the bed ethically in this episode.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  It was pretty much every story had a unbecoming man.

• 51:46Speaker 07

  Sporty men don't tend to be the most evolved of our kind.

• 51:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think we could probably agree on that.

• 51:52Speaker 01

  Cause CTE?

• 51:52Speaker 07

  Probably that.

• 51:55Speaker 01

  I don't mean to laugh at CTE. It's not funny.

• 51:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I just think if you just live in the sports world, you're just with other boys and men all the time.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  Might be the sport itself. I find basketball players to be fairly evolved. They're just so regimented and disciplined.

• 52:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay, this is great. You know who I think are the most evolved? Soccer players.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I also like soccer players too.

• 52:14Dax Shepard?

  Cause that was kind of the alternative sport when I was growing up. If you weren't like a jock jock, but your parents wanted you on a team, that was kind of what you did.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  I like both of those types.

• 52:22Dax Shepard?

  What do we think is the worst?

• 52:24Speaker 07

  Chess players?

• 52:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 52:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:27Dax Shepard?

  Arrogant, know it alls.

• 52:30Speaker 01

  We know what's the worst.

• 52:31Speaker 07

  Football?

• 52:34Speaker 01

  I love everyone.

• 52:40Dax Shepard?

  Well, it would make a bit of sense that as you chart the violence of the sport.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 52:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's not terribly hard to imagine.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  It's not a big leap.

• 52:49Dax Shepard?

  You're probably over indexing in testosterone. You've been told to be tough nonstop.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 52:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. All right.

• 52:56Speaker 01

  Okay, love you.

• 52:57Dax Shepard?

  Well, I love you and I'm just so grateful that my kids aren't currently yet in.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  They're not in any of those.

• 53:03Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  That's kind of funny. Well.

• 53:05Dax Shepard?

  Although someone is trying out today for something.

• 53:07Speaker 01

  I thought Lincoln played soccer though, for a minute.

• 53:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it was like a just a.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Didn't take.

• 53:12Dax Shepard?

  Well, no, it was just, I think that team only assembled to play a couple of games and then they did that. It was like her school.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  Remember she wanted to quit and you were like, no, remember back then?

• 53:21Dax Shepard?

  Well, that was when she was a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  That's what I'm talking about.

• 53:24Dax Shepard?

  That's back when we were in the phase of like, they have to be in something.

• 53:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:27Dax Shepard?

  And then why? I don't know.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, not necessary.

• 53:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. All right. Love you.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  Love you.

• 53:34Speaker 07

  Going to sing a tune or something? We're going to have a theme song.

• 53:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 53:39Speaker 07

  We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.