Ep 614 - iNasty

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want @ https://www.shawngardini.com/live hello. TGIF. Hope you all had a good week. The D. A. W. G. Z. are reunited after Shangs odyssey. We talk the roast, being iNasty, and most importantly we talk the fate of the wrens. Hope you all have a nice weekend. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt McCusker?

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  It's time to go.

• 0:03Matt McCusker?

  It's time.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  It's time to face. You gotta face up to the nasty things you said.

• 0:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  We're finding out. We're finding out as brothers.

• 0:11Matt McCusker?

  You live by the I nasty, you die by the I nasty.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 0:14Matt McCusker?

  It's the worst. It's the worst.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  We were truly peak I nasty between 2016 and 2019. Nasty brothers. And now, as adult men, you gotta really come.

• 0:26Matt McCusker?

  I, I think, I think it's radon poisoning. We were in the basement.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  True.

• 0:30Matt McCusker?

  You're in the basement, you're breathing in radon, you start going like, that guy's not that funny.

• 0:36Matt McCusker?

  That ain't funnier. Yeah, we were. I should be the one on TV.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  I would be mad at people's like late night sets. I would see like a woman do a fucking Conan set and I'd be like, fucking bitch.

• 0:52Speaker 01

  Why do I care?

• 0:55Matt McCusker?

  Just what happens, dude.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  It is what happens.

• 0:57Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I, my thing is I'll never forget, like, I remember, which is like working, being a young man and being like, I need to get a job and establish myself in the world. And I would like work at LA Fitness for like 30 minutes and like go out to my car and cry. It's so grim. It's so hard.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  It's the nastiest.

• 1:14Matt McCusker?

  So if you have the outlet, dude, yeah, I used to go I nasty on YouTube. I would just see a video of like a guy like recording a swim meet and I'd be like, pedophile, weirdo. He'd be like, hey, this is my family channel. And I'd be like, pedophile. 10 likes. Yes.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29Matt McCusker?

  Let's go.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. Be careful with all the I nasty warriors out there.

• 1:34Matt McCusker?

  No, man.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  Eventually you're gonna have to face who you were nasty to. And then you're gonna go, man, I was being such a bitch, dude. I'm so sorry.

• 1:43Matt McCusker?

  The worst is when you don't even remember.

• 1:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:46Matt McCusker?

  I'll get, I'll see stuff and I'll be like, huh? And I'll be like, I didn't ever say it. I'm like, oh, fuck. I don't remember. I don't even remember that.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  Yeah. When I got fired for being I nasty, I was like, nah. I would never say that.

• 2:00Matt McCusker?

  It happens.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  Anyway, here's the most important piece of information that the people are dying to find out. The, uh, the wrens, the wrens did hatch. And, uh, I was lucky enough to be outside. It was, it was a beautiful day. I was on my laptop. I was going over the roast jokes. Which is a funny thing to sit outside. So funny to sit, take a laptop out, get a coffee, sit outside. It's like beautiful out and then just be like, Cheryl Underwood's husband is dead.

• 2:33Matt McCusker?

  There's new life emerging around you.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  But then I watched the baby come out of the Bud Light box. He jumped out of the top. And I, well, I, while I'm out there, I keep good track of the mom and dad.

• 2:44Matt McCusker?

  You do.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  I knew both of them were gone. So I see some, some rustling going on in the Bud Light box and I go,

• 2:52Speaker 01

  I hit him a cuss.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  And then I watched the guy come out. He was bigger than I thought he'd be.

• 2:57Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're pretty fucking thick.

• 2:59Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  But he was, he was, uh, fluffy. He had like fluffy feathers. I watched him jump. He started like hopping around. As soon as he came out, the mom and dad came right back and started like hopping around him while he was trying to like,

• 3:12Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 3:13Speaker 01

  It was, I was so happy.

• 3:14Matt McCusker?

  Oh my god.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  Then I go to the airport to pick up McKeever. I come back and he was dead in the pool.

• 3:21Matt McCusker?

  No, no.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  And McKeever and Blizz were here, so I had to pretend I wasn't gonna cry. I got it. I was like, oh no.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  I was so fucking sad, dude. I got the pool net. This is in front of them. This thing's so dead. I got the pool net, scooped it out and then pressed on its chest. I tried to resuscitate my boy. He was very dead.

• 3:48Matt McCusker?

  How many, how many, do they have like three?

• 3:50Speaker 01

  Two or three made it. But one of the fellows hit the pool.

• 3:56Matt McCusker?

  My neighbor had a, a nest of barn swallowers.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Also, La Mer just, I, the body, I was, I couldn't look at it. I had to go inside for a second and pretend I wasn't incredibly upset. Cause that is weird. And then I come back. La Mer just threw in the trash can in the kitchen.

• 4:12Matt McCusker?

  Kitchen?

• 4:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, he just put a dead bird in the house and then went back to gaming. I was like, we should have buried the man.

• 4:20Matt McCusker?

  Does the mayor grew up on like a bayou or something? Why the fuck would he throw a dead bird inside in the trash?

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Who knows?

• 4:27Matt McCusker?

  I mean, at least over the fence, man.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  That's the tragedy of the, the rent.

• 4:31Matt McCusker?

  Oh dude, that's, it's my neighbor had a similar journey, dude. Well, hey, it moved on. It's an empty nest, you're an empty Bud Lighter right now.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  I still think about them. Now I'm just stuck with these nasty fucking Cardinals. That's all I have.

• 4:46Matt McCusker?

  They're, you have some cool Cardinals though.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  They are good.

• 4:48Matt McCusker?

  You got some nice Cardinals.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  They just gave birth.

• 4:49Matt McCusker?

  Did they really?

• 4:50Speaker 01

  They just hatched. I don't know how to use the words.

• 4:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they did.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  They gave birth.

• 4:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they did. Gave birth, they.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  And then hatched.

• 4:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. They, they have their hatchlings. My neighbor had a similar, a similar thing where he had barn swallows. If you have a nest of barn swallows, it's actually illegal in Austin to like, remove the nest. I guess because they're like endangered. So he had these like barn swallows nesting.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  No one's gonna find out.

• 5:13Matt McCusker?

  I mean, that's true.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  You can smash that fucking nest.

• 5:16Matt McCusker?

  That's true. That's true.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  It's like killing a praying mantis is illegal.

• 5:20Matt McCusker?

  I guess if you like, if you told your neighbor, if I, if I, he was like, I got barn swallows. I saw him swatting it. I could be like, which I would.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:26Matt McCusker?

  It was against the law. I would have called, I would have called the cops.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  You should.

• 5:29Matt McCusker?

  I'm like, sorry dude, I, I like you as a neighbor, but I'm, I would absolutely punish you under the law. But no, he was like laughing because he was like, dude, they're like right there, like, and they like, they're protective. It's a little swoop on you if you're close to them. So they were like, kind of like, yeah, we're kind of giving our whole porch to these birds. And he's like, it's nice. He got like real attached to them. They're shitting all over his porch. And then the one day he just saw one dead bird and he goes, I only got three more. Every bird died. And he said the same thing. He was like, I went with like, on a journey with this bird family, all their babies died. And then, he's like, I don't even want to take the nest away. I'm like, what if they want to come back and have more eggs?

• 6:02Speaker 01

  The nest is, I'm leaving that nest. I might just keep living in this house for one more year.

• 6:08Matt McCusker?

  Just to keep an eye on it.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  Just to go, please come back, bros.

• 6:12Matt McCusker?

  Tell you what, if you want some buddies right now, my garden's popping with lizards. It's been, they're nice. They're low maintenance.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Did you get one of those rock things?

• 6:22Matt McCusker?

  No, I didn't. I didn't even get a, well, my, my whole garden bed's made out of limestone rock. So they're kind of chilling that, but they're, I think they're eating my strawberries. Could be wrong, but I don't even mind, dude. I, I call.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  You gotta make sure you're right when you accuse someone of this.

• 6:34Matt McCusker?

  I hear you, but I'm.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Cause I've seen guys go down the wrong path. My buddy executed a possum. Steve Mc, I don't know the name of it. He fucking stabbed the possum.

• 6:44Matt McCusker?

  You can't, possum, I had a possum in my yard. I liked him.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Possums are good. He stabbed it. He drowned it and then it wouldn't drown. So he stuck a fucking spike through its chest.

• 6:53Matt McCusker?

  Aim, right?

• 6:54Speaker 01

  It's fucking crazy. He showed me. I was like, bro, I don't like you.

• 6:57Matt McCusker?

  That's not right. Yeah. Possums also eat snakes and shit. They're good to have.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  They're good. After he did it, he was telling me about it and I was like, bro, I'm pretty sure they're good for gardening.

• 7:06Matt McCusker?

  They are.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  There's no way he was grubbing your tomatoes and shit. And yeah.

• 7:11Matt McCusker?

  I, I looked it up today. They will, I don't know if it's them per se, because we have those fake owls and I don't see a lot of birds in my garden. So I don't think it's the birds munching them, but I swear I think these, but it's, I don't even care, dude. I caught them having sex the other day. I have, I have lizards having sex on video. It's pretty tight.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  That is tight.

• 7:28Matt McCusker?

  My dog tried to eat them while they're having sex, which would be.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Oh, the ultimate three.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Getting devoured mid-sex.

• 7:37Matt McCusker?

  Pure moros. It was pretty nice.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  It's almost as good as, honestly, the wren did have a good life.

• 7:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Danced with his parents, splush, splush splash a little.

• 7:45Matt McCusker?

  Yep. Hit the pool.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  It's a good life.

• 7:49Matt McCusker?

  Hey, man. Sunbirds fly. He swam.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Off limits. Don't joke about that.

• 8:02Matt McCusker?

  I mean, dude.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  I know roasting is therapeutic, bro.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Look, as, as a roast master myself.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  We only roast the wrens we love.

• 8:14Matt McCusker?

  That is, that is a sick life for a bird, though. You got to go, you know.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Jumped around with his mom and dad.

• 8:18Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  And then La Merly threw him in the fucking trash can. Underneath like cum tissues.

• 8:25Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 8:27Matt McCusker?

  Oh, God.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  Buried like a pharaoh, surrounded by cum.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  How could you just do that, dude?

• 8:35Matt McCusker?

  Why inside, dude?

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Bury the bro.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  I didn't know what to do. I just thought I'd put it in the bag and put it in the trash.

• 8:40Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you bagged it.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Alright, you bagged it. That's nice.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, I didn't want to leave it in the trash roll, you know?

• 8:46Matt McCusker?

  Trash roll, it's gonna, because they stink. That would have stunk so bad. Although if you time it right, I guess you could toss it. I would, I should have been, I would have gone right then.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  He wouldn't have smelled.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was fresh. He was fresh.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Although it might smell.

• 8:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they fucking, they stink.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  He's about the size of a tiny mouse.

• 9:00Matt McCusker?

  That bird would have got the stinking. Poor guy. R.I.P. to the bird. But the other two.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  La Mer was there for me, pretending not to be really upset.

• 9:12Matt McCusker?

  How'd you feel about the bird?

• 9:13Speaker 01

  It was so sad, dude.

• 9:14Speaker 02

  I was kinda sad.

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Everyone was, everyone was pretty bummed out.

• 9:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  See a floating baby bird in the pool? It was kinda bummed.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Especially because I, like, as soon as I got back from the airport, I was like, John, check this out.

• 9:26Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  My guys hatched. They're out. They're jumping around.

• 9:29Matt McCusker?

  Oh. Nooo. And the parents, the parents were like, no, don't, don't.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  I almost jumped in with my clothes on.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  I'm not even like a jump in, like one of those where you run.

• 9:42Matt McCusker?

  Wait. This episode is brought to you by PrizePicks. The regular season's done and the NBA playoffs are here. Time to get in on the action with PrizePicks, a preferred partner of the NBA.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  N.B.A.

• 9:54Matt McCusker?

  N, space, B, space, A. Download the PrizePicks app today and use code DRENCH to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. And during the playoff, during the playoffs, make a five dollar lineup with a live NBA pick for a shot at the Do It Live Sweepstakes trip to the NBA Finals. That's a rough one, man. Whoa. More info can be found on the PrizePicks promos board. PrizePicks, a preferred partner of the NBA. Yeah, that's, that's sad. That's really sad. I'm, I didn't know that happened.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm sorry to the, I know a lot of the listeners were excited to find out.

• 10:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  But anyway, back to the roast.

• 10:34Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  I don't like the way people talk about roasts.

• 10:36Matt McCusker?

  When?

• 10:37Speaker 01

  They're like, roasting's just like, this is just what we do.

• 10:40Matt McCusker?

  That's what we do. It's, yeah, it was, uh, yeah, that's, that was the, uh, that's part of the culture, bro. Snapping.

• 10:49Speaker 01

  I did have to snap, dude.

• 10:50Matt McCusker?

  Snap.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  I had both my guns loaded. Full clips. Ready to dunk on Cheryl Underwood's husband for some reason. So about that.

• 10:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  I did call her.

• 11:01Matt McCusker?

  I saw, there was an article about it.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Cause I felt like, I was like, this is a serious thing to make fun of somebody for it. And I don't know her.

• 11:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Well enough to be like, make, so I called her to, and you, you saw her on the road. She's wild. She was, she was a delight to talk to on the phone.

• 11:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I bet.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  And, uh, then, uh.

• 11:20Matt McCusker?

  How did you even breach the subject? Like, hey, how you doing? Oh, yeah, it's pretty nice out.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:24Matt McCusker?

  Hey, quick thing, uh.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Oh, no. She immediately.

• 11:28Matt McCusker?

  She read it.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  I was like, hey Cheryl, I gotta ask you about this joke. She's like, you're gonna make fun of my husband for jumping off a building.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  It's like, that's it. That's it. And look.

• 11:38Matt McCusker?

  Thinking about that.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  I have no problem not doing it. It's probably gonna make me look bad, so I'm definitely okay with not doing it.

• 11:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  So then the next day I go into a meeting and I'm like, I don't think I should do that joke.

• 11:50Matt McCusker?

  Hmm.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Left the meeting with four more jokes about it. I was like, it's my entire set now.

• 11:58Matt McCusker?

  And what, in the meeting, was the meeting like execs and shit?

• 12:02Speaker 01

  There were two Netflix people in there, but I think they were just writing.

• 12:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  What we were talking about.

• 12:05Matt McCusker?

  Okay, so it's more.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  But, uh, yeah, that, uh, and the, uh, bonsai tree joke, could've, could've done without it.

• 12:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Turns out.

• 12:15Matt McCusker?

  You never know though.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Turns out, could've done without it.

• 12:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Sometimes you, you know.

• 12:23Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I'll be honest.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Running it in front of the wrong crowds.

• 12:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  I was just doing it in Austin and then Boston. And they were like, fuck yeah, dude. No, I did it in Nashville, Charlotte, Austin and Boston. All four cities were like, you gotta do it.

• 12:40Matt McCusker?

  It's unanimous.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  I did do it. I ran it at Chappelle's.

• 12:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  That, it was, it was me, it was, it was a cool room.

• 12:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  It was exactly who would be upset by it. And they liked it.

• 12:56Matt McCusker?

  That's the other thing too. It's like, I think people still laughed and thought if you were to try to take like a general, if you sit outside of a gas station today and call it the afternoon rush, like, what'd you think about that? They'd be like, bro, you don't give a fuck, bro. That was hilarious, dude.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:09Matt McCusker?

  I already filed it. I was on a construction site yesterday. They're like, bro, I don't give a fuck. That was great, man. The boys are fired up.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:17Matt McCusker?

  I will say this. I just think, I think the tally's in on that specific roast. I think the white boys went dumb. It's true. The white boys went dumb. The white boys went dumb.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  The white boys, the white boys might have went too dumb, dude. Everyone's upset that the white boys went dumb.

• 13:35Matt McCusker?

  The white boys might be the king of snapping now. Hey, look, I'm just going off what I saw.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  You think the white boys are the king of snapping?

• 13:43Matt McCusker?

  I think so. I think so. I think the white boys are the king of snapping.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  I just know that's getting a fucking headline. Matt McCusker says the white boys are the kings of snapping. Let me tell you something, Matt McCusker. You'll never be the king of snapping.

• 13:59Matt McCusker?

  I'm not the king of snapping. I mean, but yeah, I can snap.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  You can snap.

• 14:03Matt McCusker?

  I can snap, but I don't know. If someone stabs me, I'll get real sad. I was watching that being like, dude, I would fucking spasm.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  That's what you think. And then it is, I mean, I didn't really get anything too bad.

• 14:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  But it's funny.

• 14:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  When someone makes funny like that, it is.

• 14:21Matt McCusker?

  It is funny, but I.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Everyone's laughing. It was genuinely funny getting made fun of.

• 14:25Matt McCusker?

  That's true.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  I thought that. I was really afraid I was gonna be like.

• 14:29Matt McCusker?

  But here's the problem. Here's the problem, though. You did well. If I did poorly and then someone made fun of like my kids, I'd have been like, yo, seriously, dude, some things are off limits. Seriously, dude, knock it off.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  You know what else, though? I didn't even.

• 14:44Matt McCusker?

  Just trying to fight your mate. What's the NBA guy? Yeah, I'm like, seriously, Mr. Green, that's enough, alright? There's limits to it. But if I did it good, I'd have been like, ah.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  I didn't even consider how bad it was to go first.

• 14:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  Until, and then I remembered, like, I saw, like, at the roast of, at Voss's roast, everyone just made fun of Florentine for his ex killing herself.

• 15:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  Like, before he went. And then when he went, everyone was like, the whole crowd was like, come on, Jim.

• 15:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  So like.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  That was his wife. Yes.

• 15:23Matt McCusker?

  God damn.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, he got it pretty good.

• 15:26Matt McCusker?

  Also nicest dude ever.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  And he's the fucking man, but then he got on and just murdered, so.

• 15:31Matt McCusker?

  That's cool.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  But, uh, what I was saying is, is like going first, you look like you're just a psycho. Everyone's like, why is he fucking, like, who's this guy saying mean things for no reason?

• 15:43Matt McCusker?

  Well, at least you have first dibs on stuff in case there's like things bleed together. But I get it, dude, opening a crowd and being, obviously you're like, you're not even thinking like, okay, I gotta like, I gotta lead these guys into the waters. You're just coming out and it's like bam.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I should have, uh, I should have been a little more articulate upfront and being like, this is a roast.

• 16:05Matt McCusker?

  I mean.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  We're gonna say some terrible things.

• 16:07Matt McCusker?

  They also know, everyone knows.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Of course, but they sure didn't.

• 16:10Matt McCusker?

  The live, the live audience.

• 16:12Speaker 01

  That front section did not agree with anything I was saying.

• 16:15Matt McCusker?

  Well, that's also, that's, you know, that's the elites, dude. They're, they're like, they can get charged. Well, they can get charged with like face crime. So they're probably just, they're probably just like deadpan, just kinda like, that's actually very funny. Cause they can't be up there. If you're like the CEO of like Nesquik, you can't be like, bah. You have to just be like, mm. Like everything else in your, you just have to go.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Nothing, I don't like anything.

• 16:40Matt McCusker?

  There's, there's five million shareholders depending on you to just be like.

• 16:46Matt McCusker?

  Oh, fuck.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:51Matt McCusker?

  That does suck though. If I was up there, there's just a bunch of like very elegantly dressed people being like, fine, I quit, I'm done.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Also, Kevin is, he's like a pro at this shit. So he was like, he's helping you.

• 17:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:07Speaker 01

  He wants the show to go well. So if you say something terrible, he's gonna be like, eh, you're crazy. He's not gonna be like, what the fuck?

• 17:17Matt McCusker?

  I thought he was great with that, though. Cause the whole time you watch him. I mean, yeah, I also love when he did, when he would stand up and just kind of prance around. I'm like, there's literally nothing better.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's nice.

• 17:27Matt McCusker?

  If you have a black dude stands up out of his chair and laughs, you're just like, it's better than spit take. I was just being like, yes.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  And then Cheryl, Cheryl was so fucking funny.

• 17:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that was.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  She did a completely different thing in the rehearsal. We did a rehearsal, like a couple hours before the show. And she just made up what she was gonna talk about then, too. She made up the whole thing. It was great.

• 17:49Matt McCusker?

  That's insane.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:51Matt McCusker?

  She might be queen of snapping then.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  She's the, she's the queen of snapping.

• 17:54Matt McCusker?

  I really think so. Going, just going ad lib on that on TV is really kind of insane.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  But I will say, when I was sitting up there and they were like, if you say the N word, we'll all beat your ass. I was like, I'm not gonna say it.

• 18:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the hell?

• 18:07Speaker 01

  What the hell is this joke? I wasn't gonna say it.

• 18:12Matt McCusker?

  That might have been a preloaded.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  No, cause it was off of me saying, we're a Dracula.

• 18:17Matt McCusker?

  Oh, got you, got you.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  But then I watched, you know, Earthquake stand up like, yeah. No, Earthquake.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Don't beat my ass.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  Earthquake, Earthquake ruled. In the front, there was certain people that I could count on. Earthquake, Jay Pharoah, those are my guys, dude.

• 18:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that is pretty nice, actually.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  It was nice to see who was like, go for it, dude.

• 18:44Matt McCusker?

  All you need are a couple of guys. If you have a couple of guys, especially Quake, if you got Quake on your side.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  It was the same at the ESPYS. I needed John Jones and Druski. And Lamar Jackson. Lamar Jackson got me through a couple. Looked down, saw Lamar Jackson laughing. I was like, that's so sick.

• 19:00Matt McCusker?

  Was it even close to as tight as the ESPYS?

• 19:02Speaker 01

  No, it was, it was a lot better than that.

• 19:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that, they were tight.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  But I wasn't being, making racist jokes, really.

• 19:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  At the ESPYS.

• 19:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  That's where you feel bad. Make a racist joke and you look out and you see an older black lady going. You go, I'm so sorry. I don't believe in what I'm saying. I swear I'm joking. I know I look like I'm serious.

• 19:27Matt McCusker?

  Keeping a straight face.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  But overall, it was, oh, another Lizzo. What a fucking treat.

• 19:32Matt McCusker?

  You were saying.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  She was awesome.

• 19:34Matt McCusker?

  I know. I know. Absolute angel. I tell you a lot.

• 19:38Speaker 01

  In hindsight, I guess she never really did anything that I shouldn't like.

• 19:41Matt McCusker?

  It's just, it's the media, dude. It's like the media, the media's eye nasty. Commentors are eye nasty. Podcasters can be eye nasty at their weaker moments.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 19:50Matt McCusker?

  It's weird and eye nasty ecosystem. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  I like this.

• 19:57Matt McCusker?

  I like that too. AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently. Still just one scoop, once a day, vitamins, minerals, probiotics. All this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mixes great, doesn't taste like a fistfight. Package travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out. So hurry up and go to drinkag1.com/secretpod and for a limited time only, get a free immune support bundle,

• 20:42Matt McCusker?

  including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/secretpod.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:52Matt McCusker?

  It's completely, dude, every, I like read the news now and it's like every, everything I read is like, America's over, we're fucked. No one will ever get a job ever again. Fuck. And it's just like, dude, why, why are you guys doing this to everybody? Don't do that. That's not nice. And this guy's a fucking idiot. And you're like, all right, that's cool. I'm in the debate sphere right now. My algorithm is just debates, dude, they're, I, they're the funniest fucking things. It's like, well, no, that's just a logical fallacy. And then it'll be like, yeah, you're fucking retarded. And like, what did you call me? It's like, oh, I'm just saying, it's, it's fucking crazy. It's, it's unbelievable.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I saw one, I was just taking a shit and I saw a nice one.

• 21:32Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 21:32Speaker 01

  It was, uh, fuck, I'm forgetting his name. Who was the guy that did Vice and then the Proud Boys?

• 21:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, Gavin Guinness.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, he was doing something on Piers Morgan and some lady was like, he, they were like, what citizenship are you? He was like. Canada, United States and England.

• 21:51Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  And they're like, she was like, you can't have three, you can only be dual citizenship. And he was like, yeah, I can, you fucking stupid bitch. And they were like, what'd you say? He was like, I called her a stupid fucking bitch.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  Just mid debate spaz. Yeah, whatever, you fucking idiot.

• 22:09Matt McCusker?

  It's nothing but, I watch him, everyone, you eventually do it and you, and it's funny too, when someone gets you in a debate, you go, okay, look, I see what you're saying, but, and you just jump to another, it's so fucking funny.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on this.

• 22:23Matt McCusker?

  Let's table that for now, you're being kind of pedantic, let's table that for now. What I'm really talking about, it's dude, it's really nonsense. I was reading the book, it was too dense, I had to read a book about the book to try to understand it. But they were basically saying that like, in modern, like in modern times, morality's been so kind of like, jettisoned from what it originally kind of was formed around, which was like divine law, basically, from like religion. So now when people have moral arguments, it's just, they're not really rooted in anything other than people's personal preferences. And that all people do is just like yell at each other, because they're like, I like this, and they're like, well, you're a fucking retard. I like this, and that's all a debate is anymore. According to Alistair McIntyre.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  I agree with Alistair McIntyre.

• 23:07Matt McCusker?

  Alistair McIntyre's the man.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  I hope so, I don't know.

• 23:09Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I catch.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  The fuck is that, I'm done saying people are cool too.

• 23:12Matt McCusker?

  He's cool.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  I'm not saying, I'm not saying people are good or bad anymore.

• 23:16Matt McCusker?

  Well, you know what's funny, so he was like a philosopher in the eighties, who came up with this book about kind of, you know, morality and, you know, whatever. And so I was like trying to learn more about it, it's really hard, all those books are so fucking hard to read, so they expect that you just like, know all of Greek mythology, they'll be like, and obviously Persephone, and you're like, fuck, who the fuck is that? You gotta read about that. But there was a lady, a professor, I believe was covering the book, and then in the introduction, she was like, yeah, and he says a lot about like community and practice, he's had four different wives, which that's kind of weird. I'm like, why are you being nasty, you're supposed to be a fucking academic. Now you're being eye nasty to Alistair McIntyre, he's dead, the guy's fucking died like two years ago.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Just toss in that he had four wives.

• 23:55Matt McCusker?

  He had like four fucking wives, what the hell, what's he taught, what's he know about community, you guys are fucking asshole, and you're like, what the fuck? You have a PhD. No one's immune dude, no one is immune. It's just, it's, it is, it's the path for people now, it is the absolute path. And it's, you know, just, it's what the people want right now, they want to get nasty.

• 24:15Matt McCusker?

  You know, I would love to get a device hooked to my phone. I mean, I guess you could just monitor your Apple Watch. Cause I'm pretty sure my vitals go up by like 10 heartbeats a minute. I was on the other day, just, just.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  On the internet, yeah.

• 24:26Matt McCusker?

  Dude, and I just got like, huh. Then I sat down, I was like, I didn't feel like this before I went to my phone. It's bad.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  It's the devil.

• 24:34Matt McCusker?

  It is the devil.

• 24:35Speaker 01

  I've been doing alright staying off it this week.

• 24:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  Doing my best.

• 24:38Matt McCusker?

  But then you say off it and someone goes, you know, I sent you a bunch of shit. You didn't see it. You're like, I was off. And they're like.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  That's okay. I can handle that.

• 24:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  It's more, someone gives you bad news.

• 24:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  You see what they're saying about you. No, I'm trying to avoid it.

• 24:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, don't. That's, dude, when people hit you up, be like, yo, you see they're calling you gay on Reddit. I'm like, I don't, don't call me with that.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  Don't tell me this, dude.

• 24:59Matt McCusker?

  My cousins do that to me. Like, yo, they're calling you gay and say you suck at basketball on Reddit. I'm like, I didn't even, what the fuck are you talking about?

• 25:03Speaker 01

  I don't suck at basketball.

• 25:04Matt McCusker?

  I'm pretty good. I'm getting better. What the fuck?

• 25:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man. I've been, I've been hooping lately. That's been my, that's been my absolute. I do have hoop dreams now. Absolute hoop dreams. It's been, I, I've learned I have to, I do have to tone it down on the court. I'm telling you, I need, I, I've, I came up playing different, bro.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  True.

• 25:24Matt McCusker?

  I might have to go, I might have to go to the hood to play ball. The gentlemen, dude, they don't like you, dude. You talk a little tiny bit of shit. I, I feel like you can contest a foul call. I thought that was totally acceptable, but foul, what the fuck? People be like, what?

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Every single person does that.

• 25:38Matt McCusker?

  Everybody.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  I've never played a single game where someone's like, oh, you're gonna call that?

• 25:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I know.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, you slapped, you hit me in the face.

• 25:44Matt McCusker?

  I'll, if I actually get you, I'll call it on myself. But sometimes there's calls where I'm like, loose ball calls and fucking pickup. Come on, bro.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 25:53Matt McCusker?

  Dude. But yeah, I've, I've, I've squashed, I squashed on my court.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's nothing worse than a.

• 25:58Matt McCusker?

  Before a court beef, I squashed them immediately. Cause I can be a little bastard too. Just be like, oh, you're not gonna call that one, huh? They're like, what the fuck is your problem, man? I'm trying to play. I'm like, yeah, my bad, my bad.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, you've reached an age where you can't do that.

• 26:10Matt McCusker?

  I can't help it, bro.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  I know, but.

• 26:12Matt McCusker?

  It's a fiery old head.

• 26:13Speaker 01

  If I played, I'd be doing the exact same thing. That's how you play.

• 26:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that you fuck around.

• 26:17Speaker 01

  Dude, I hate you.

• 26:18Matt McCusker?

  You build the rivalry.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, you go, I actually dislike the other team. My guys are my brothers. I'll die for them.

• 26:26Matt McCusker?

  I don't know any of their names.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  You get the ball, you throw it to the wrong team. Fuck. He was on my team. Dude, do you ever see, have you guys ever seen Jordan's game winner against UNC? Or when he was at UNC, he won the national championship. It's like an iconic.

• 26:42Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  Maybe it was, it was like a defining moment. He hits, he hits a corner jumper to win the national title. There was 20 seconds left. The other team gets the ball and comes down the court with 20 seconds. The guy at the top of the key just throws the ball to North Carolina. He throws it to the wrong guy.

• 27:01Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  It just, everyone just sucked.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Like a street ball fucking pass, like a little kid pass. The guy gets the ball. No one's really pressuring him. He just panics. And throws it to another guy. That's the game. There's 20 seconds. I thought MJ hit a buzzer beater.

• 27:20Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy. I didn't know that either.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:23Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 27:24Speaker 01

  Give it a look. It's a comically bad.

• 27:26Matt McCusker?

  Guy probably had action. He probably had it.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  Comically bad pass.

• 27:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's insane. I didn't know that.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:31Matt McCusker?

  I guess they don't, I guess that makes it not as exciting when they show that at the end.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  Guy hits the spaz for, with the title on the line.

• 27:37Matt McCusker?

  That's one thing I think is unnecessary in pickup basketball. Like you can find the players who like, they get the ball spaz. I'm like, yell at them. They'll fucking, they'll literally toss the ball.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  With a fucking throw it here, throw it here.

• 27:48Matt McCusker?

  That is, I'll, I'll just be like, no, no, no, no. Start yelling. I watch a guy like, and he threw the ball. And I was like, ah, that was a dirty play.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're a dickhead.

• 27:55Matt McCusker?

  Or when someone shoots and you go, you lower your head at them like, and they, it fucks up their.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  You can't be doing this shit.

• 28:03Matt McCusker?

  I was hitting him with fucking, I was hitting him with driveway McCusker cousin.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Clapping, clapping while they're shooting in their face, shit like that. Playing fucking defense with a hand in their face. Yeah, dude, you're a fucking dickhead. That's crazy.

• 28:16Matt McCusker?

  I'm toning it down. I'm learning, I'm learning how to play because I really just want to run around. That's my thing. I'm like, if I get to run around, you know, if I lose, I'm like, whatever. Good game. But I thought the thing is you talk shit and then you get to like, you get the back and forth and you call an ISO and you get to go one on one against each other. It's fun. But no, bro.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Calling ISO is also crazy.

• 28:35Matt McCusker?

  You don't call it, but you get it.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  You set picks to get a matchup and go, oh, here we go. I got this dumb pussy who wanted to just work out today and was like, I'll try basketball.

• 28:45Matt McCusker?

  I go by myself now as I'm trying to get used to the rims. So I'll run back and forth full court and just practice my fast breaks, my pull ups. It's so nice.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Fucking nut, dude.

• 28:55Matt McCusker?

  I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get, it's double rim. It's hard as hell.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 28:58Matt McCusker?

  So I'm trying to get, if I can get my, I'm trying to get like my like seven to eight footer down. My fade away, step back.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  I.

• 29:04Matt McCusker?

  I run drills by myself.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  I know. I feel so bad for the guys in your neighborhood that have to deal with this fucking guy. Every time you show up, they must be like.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  So you get out of your car with your fucking wraparound Oakleys on.

• 29:20Matt McCusker?

  I'm getting that sense, honestly.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  This guy would be like, oh, fuck, he's here again.

• 29:28Matt McCusker?

  And then I'll score like four points.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  Four points, 15 fouls, 10 rebounds. You are Draymond, dude.

• 29:36Matt McCusker?

  They were, I was, when they were booing him, I'm like, you don't deserve that, dude.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  No, Draymond's, Draymond's the fucking man.

• 29:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, he plays hard.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  And he was, he was nervous.

• 29:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I mean, imagine that.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:46Matt McCusker?

  Imagine just out of nowhere.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  And then me, him and Pete were talking. I was, I like walked over them right before we started. I was like, so fucking nervous. So shit. And Draymond was like, oh, thank God you said that, dude. I'm so fucking nervous. And Pete was like, dude, I'm gonna fucking die.

• 30:00Matt McCusker?

  That must be such a relief when you get done your set and all you gotta do is just kinda sit there and be like, alright.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Oh, you would like this, at the beginning, at the very beginning, the way they introduced me is, uh, Black Thought from the Roots is like, you guys ready for the roast? Now the roundest thing on tires, Shane Gill, and I didn't know that. And I was walking out like,

• 30:20Speaker 01

  the fuck, Black Thought?

• 30:23Matt McCusker?

  Didn't, no, that wasn't him. I, I know, yeah, there was someone who was beefing with you. It was, it was not Black Thought.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  No.

• 30:30Matt McCusker?

  I thought your enemy finally spiked you.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  No, no, no. Me and, me and my, I know that, who you're talking about. We're good.

• 30:36Matt McCusker?

  That's nice. That's nice.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  And, uh, Black Thought used to do shows at Punchline Philly.

• 30:40Matt McCusker?

  Did he really?

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. I've known him for, forever.

• 30:43Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  When I was in Philly, I would do his shows.

• 30:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's awesome. He got you. He roasted you.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  I was excited to see him.

• 30:48Matt McCusker?

  That's nice. He got a little roast. That's the, that's the move. You get one roast, introduce, out.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:53Matt McCusker?

  It's kinda nice.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was just walking on stage and someone was like, "Look at this fucking fat piece of shit." I was like, "All right." "Hey, everybody, welcome to Los Angeles."

• 31:05Speaker 01

  "Coolest guy alive just called me fat in front of millions of people. How's everyone doing?" "Oh, Tom Brady just called me a fat piece of shit? All right, what else is on the docket?" "Oh, The Rock came out and called me a bitch, okay."

• 31:20Matt McCusker?

  Cool. I will say, dude.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 31:25Speaker 01

  Who's tequila?

• 31:27Speaker 01

  Who's tequila is better, The Rocks or Kevin Hart's?

• 31:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Now, that's a good question, Lamise. I don't know. I don't know which one I had.

• 31:34Matt McCusker?

  Which one was which?

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't.

• 31:38Matt McCusker?

  I've never had Kevin Hart's. I've had Taramana. I've had The Rocks. I'm a big tequila guy, but I don't know. You know who's is nice, I'll be honest? McBride's.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 31:48Matt McCusker?

  I was shocked. I mean, it's like, you know, you just never think when people are like, "Oh, it's a guy, it's a tequila. I tried it." I said, "God dang."

• 31:53Speaker 01

  I can't really taste the difference.

• 31:55Matt McCusker?

  I can tell.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  Unless it's like bad. Bad, you can go, "Oh, this is the worst."

• 31:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Worst drink I've ever had in my life.

• 32:01Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Just bad tequila.

• 32:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's horrible.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:04Matt McCusker?

  When they hit you with the additives, you go, there's a certain flavor, you go, "Oh, that's a weird one." But it's, you know, there's a lot of them. It's all good at the end of the day. You put lemon in it and shit, lime, whatever, it's pretty good. But I was shocked. Did you ever see his website? He does like skits on his tequila website where he's like, people are getting their legs chopped off while they're feeling the agave.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Who, uh?

• 32:23Matt McCusker?

  McBride.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I saw the one with him and Stevie Janowski.

• 32:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he cuts his leg off.

• 32:28Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 32:31Matt McCusker?

  I just got it in the mail. It was like Christmas time, like, "What the fuck is this?" It was good.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  What's it called? I think I have it.

• 32:37Matt McCusker?

  Gato or something?

• 32:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's right.

• 32:39Matt McCusker?

  I think it's Gato. Yeah, I'm, I'm big on the celebrity tea. I've, I'll try all of them. I don't know why. I just like, I like to try them out. Then I don't really drink, so I just have.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  We need to get a celebrity moonshine.

• 32:48Matt McCusker?

  Celebrity moonshine, nice.

• 32:50Speaker 01

  350 proof.

• 32:53Speaker 01

  Just kill everyone.

• 32:55Matt McCusker?

  And just have it completely, get it made like, like, like chemically made in China. You should get like the fentanyl of alcohol.

• 33:00Speaker 01

  Just get fentanyl.

• 33:01Matt McCusker?

  Sell it.

• 33:05Matt McCusker?

  Dudes are drinking it, they're getting abscesses.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  I keep looking for my wrens, dude.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Last time I was sitting here, they were there.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  He was still alive, dude.

• 33:16Matt McCusker?

  That bird's hopping around spirit right now, just jumping around the house.

• 33:21Matt McCusker?

  Poor little guy.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  I don't think the other guys are gonna make it. I saw him. They're just in the backyard now.

• 33:25Matt McCusker?

  They're popping around?

• 33:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's just jumping into the neighbor's fucking window.

• 33:28Matt McCusker?

  You got turf too, don't you?

• 33:29Speaker 01

  In my yard, yeah, but they're in the other side of the fence.

• 33:32Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's good. How the hell do they get over there? Are they flying?

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, they can fly. They flew right away.

• 33:36Matt McCusker?

  Oh, they're good?

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:37Matt McCusker?

  If they flew, I think they're, I mean, they're both probably gonna die really quick. I think the survival rate for birds. But it's fun. I was thinking about them pecking the turf for worms and just slowly dying of hunger.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Matt.

• 33:49Matt McCusker?

  Just going, what is this?

• 33:50Speaker 01

  I have feed out there. I put a bunch of bird feed.

• 33:53Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, I forgot.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  I threw it in the yard. I threw it. I got bird feed. Now my pool's covered in bird shit.

• 34:00Matt McCusker?

  I forgot. You had them ready. You had them set up.

• 34:03Speaker 01

  Also, Cardinals are dickheads.

• 34:04Matt McCusker?

  Are they mean?

• 34:05Speaker 01

  They control the fucking birdhouse.

• 34:07Matt McCusker?

  Have you been getting good footage over there?

• 34:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's just a fucking squirrel that eats everything and then two, and a family of Cardinals. That's all I got. And then occasionally me or La Mer walking out towards it, looking at it.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  Just standing there.

• 34:24Matt McCusker?

  La Mer grabbing like a 10-year-old sunflower seed?

• 34:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, La Mer will get in there. I'll catch La Mer at 4:00 in the morning, night vision, man.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  A squirrel comes up, he's like.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  July 17th, I'll be at The Link in Philadelphia. We just released some new tickets, so. Please, please purchase them. Please come. It's gonna be a hoot. There's gonna be a lot of people there.

• 34:52Matt McCusker?

  I will be in Chicago this very Saturday. I'll be in Toronto as well. And then Chicago this Saturday, May 16th, 7:00 PM, at the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Uh, there's, there's a few tickets left. There, you know what's left? Single seats. Bunch of single seats dotting in, so.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  It's fun. Going to a show by yourself is a nice treat.

• 35:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, come by yourself and, you know, but you can sit next to someone's girlfriend. Probably touch the thigh with your leg, so.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  You can do it the whole show.

• 35:19Matt McCusker?

  You can do it the whole show. I'm like, hey, I'm fucking crammed in here. This guy's a jerk. Um, but yeah, so come to that. That'll be very fun.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 35:30Speaker 03

  Hey guys, it's me Sean. I'll be in Cincinnati next week. Please come if you can. shawngardini.com and Optimum Noctis is next week as well, so please come.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  What's the date on Optimum Noctis?

• 35:42Speaker 03

  May 19th.

• 35:43Speaker 01

  May 19th.

• 35:43Speaker 03

  Please come to Optimum Noctis on May 19th. Tickets are available at shawngardini.com and then I'll be in Charleston and Raleigh too.

• 35:51Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Oh, I like this.

• 35:56Matt McCusker?

  I like that too. AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently. Still, just one scoop, once a day. Vitamins, minerals, probiotics. All this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mix is great, doesn't taste like a fistfight. Package travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out.

• 36:33Matt McCusker?

  So hurry up and go to drinkag1.com/secretpod and for a limited time only, get a free immune support bundle, including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/secretpod. This episode is brought to you by NutraFol.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 36:54Matt McCusker?

  NutraFol.

• 36:55Speaker 01

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• 36:56Matt McCusker?

  A pity than NutraFol.

• 36:57Speaker 01

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• 37:14Matt McCusker?

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• 37:23Speaker 01

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• 37:46Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 37:46Matt McCusker?

  Yay.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Thank you guys.

• 37:48Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, that sucks that your baby birds died. The boy just won.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  Just won.

• 37:54Matt McCusker?

  If the other two flew, that's, that's good news. They made it over that fence. That fence is like, that's the ultimate test for a baby bird. That's a big ass fucking fence. So what, did you see him learn how to fly or did they start from the ground and like?

• 38:05Speaker 01

  He was hopping, but he was flying pretty quick.

• 38:07Matt McCusker?

  That's tight.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:09Matt McCusker?

  That's tight.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  It was just great to see mom and dad jumping around.

• 38:13Matt McCusker?

  Mom and dad trying to block like, no, no, no, no, no.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:15Matt McCusker?

  Chill.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  They're hopping around. They looked happy.

• 38:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  They're hopping, they're going, oh shit, oh shit.

• 38:22Matt McCusker?

  They don't know. They didn't know what was going on.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck.

• 38:24Matt McCusker?

  Mom's probably pregnant again right now.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  I hope.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Get back in here.

• 38:32Matt McCusker?

  That would be so tight. Yeah, I wonder how, I wonder how, uh, how often do wrens like churn them out? Is it like per season? Cause I know rabbits are.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  I think it's season.

• 38:42Matt McCusker?

  It's a season?

• 38:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:43Matt McCusker?

  Cause rabbits will kick out like four litters. They fucking, they rock them, man. They're nice.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  I think coyotes are year round too.

• 38:50Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 38:50Speaker 01

  I think they're like nonstop.

• 38:52Matt McCusker?

  That'd be nice.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  What is it?

• 38:56Speaker 03

  Two broods per season.

• 38:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Ooh, we got another brood.

• 38:59Matt McCusker?

  You have another brood.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  Breeding, yeah. It, it goes till August.

• 39:03Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  Typically the season.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  Bro, if they get back in here, I'll be fucking pumped.

• 39:07Matt McCusker?

  She's out, she's probably out there shaking ass right now.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  Don't talk about her like that. Dude, they're a couple. They're together.

• 39:13Matt McCusker?

  She's probably shaking her tail feather right now.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  No, they're together.

• 39:16Matt McCusker?

  That's good. If they're together forever, that's nice.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:19Matt McCusker?

  Can we get the pair bonding data on wrens, please?

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see if they stay together.

• 39:23Matt McCusker?

  I was watching a thing yesterday saying that human pair bonding is all fucked up because we can't smell each other. He's like, you're supposed to like smell a lady's BO and see like if you're nervous, if your, uh, immune systems are like compatible. That's another thing.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  Fuck all that.

• 39:36Matt McCusker?

  You don't wanna, you don't smell like an immune system?

• 39:37Speaker 01

  No, I, I, I don't care about that. I don't like whoever, whatever weird freak came up with that. It was like, our pair bonding's fucked up. We should, it's like, I'm tired of everyone being like, you know, we're not designed to actually be doing this. So shut up. Shut the fuck up. I feel like I'm designed to be playing Xbox, dude. I'm obviously designed for it.

• 39:59Speaker 03

  They have very strong pair bonding.

• 40:01Matt McCusker?

  Oh, they're together forever. God, love wins the end of the day.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  Love wins again, dude.

• 40:06Matt McCusker?

  I miss the eye nasty, love wins.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  I miss all the eye nasty. I'm gonna get DMs, I'm glad that fucking ran. Fuck that round.

• 40:15Matt McCusker?

  That's bullshit, dude. What?

• 40:17Speaker 01

  What?

• 40:19Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  What is it, guys?

• 40:20Speaker 03

  Nate found out some bad news.

• 40:22Matt McCusker?

  Says, uh, most birds do not reuse the same nest for future seasons.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  It's alright, there's another box right next to it.

• 40:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  True.

• 40:32Matt McCusker?

  And also, I'm pretty sure.

• 40:33Speaker 01

  That was a good one, dude.

• 40:34Matt McCusker?

  I'm pretty sure.

• 40:35Speaker 01

  You talk about shitty nests, they're coming back.

• 40:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I like to believe they're coming back. It's the penthouse, although you can, I'm sure you can also recreate.

• 40:42Speaker 01

  What the fuck you guys doing to me, dude?

• 40:45Speaker 01

  What the fuck you guys doing over there?

• 40:47Matt McCusker?

  Wouldn't be hard to recreate that.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  I told my mom about the Cardinals.

• 40:51Matt McCusker?

  What'd she say?

• 40:52Speaker 01

  Well, she thinks Cardinals represent my dead grandmother.

• 40:55Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  So she's like, oh, that's my mom. I was like, yeah, it's my mom.

• 41:03Speaker 01

  For some reason, it made me upset. I was like, mom, that's so fucking dumb. But I'd love to make fun of her, I saw a Cardinal and I was like, my mom.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  It's in there.

• 41:15Matt McCusker?

  If I heard one person say that, I'd like, yeah, I know, I know exactly what you're saying.

• 41:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's definitely my mom.

• 41:20Matt McCusker?

  That's really sweet. And it's funny, and then you see her just bullying birds.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I see.

• 41:28Matt McCusker?

  That means my mom's watching.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  I hope not.

• 41:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  I hope my mom's not peeking through the glass in here.

• 41:36Matt McCusker?

  Just tapping the glass.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Naked for a day, didn't go outside yesterday, just.

• 41:45Matt McCusker?

  I have neighbors behind me now, like, right up against the back, and I'm now, I'm trying to be more mindful, shutting my shutters, I'll get naked during the night. I'm naked. And I just forget.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  Lights on, naked?

• 41:56Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, dude.

• 41:56Speaker 01

  You're.

• 41:57Matt McCusker?

  I just forget, we had nothing back there, now there's just, and it's just like, whoo, right up against us.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  Some poor kid.

• 42:04Matt McCusker?

  I hope not.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Growing up with a freak bull neighbor.

• 42:09Matt McCusker?

  We just forget, you know, once, once everyone's asleep, I'm fucking, I'm hidden. I'm in the birthday suit, I'm in the birthday suit. Shaking penis for my wife. I'm like a male ren just fucking hopping around.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  That's what you think of it as.

• 42:23Matt McCusker?

  I'm due, brother. I'm due.

• 42:28Matt McCusker?

  I've been, man, I've been suffering.

• 42:30Speaker 01

  Really?

• 42:31Matt McCusker?

  Suffering, yeah. I've been suffering so hard.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  How bad?

• 42:36Matt McCusker?

  Bad, bro, I'm waiting. I'm due, I'm due. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep the other night. I get to the point where I can't fucking sleep.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  Out of horniness?

• 42:45Matt McCusker?

  It's just, it, um, if, if I go a week, if I'm on a week retention, the, the seventh, eighth day, I'm gonna lay in bed and just like, my cells are just kinda like, I can't sleep. It'll just take me significantly longer to fall asleep. And I'm going like this. You're just out cold. You have no idea. I'm over here suffering, dude, and you're just sleeping fitfully.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  You gotta take matters into your own hands at that point?

• 43:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but then, but then, well, I will at a certain point, but then you go, this is what I get? I just have to masturbate for the rest of my life? Cause I'm off the nog too. I, I, again, I'm not making a big thing about it, I just, I'm like, I'm all, I'm like, I'm, I don't want it, I don't want it in my life. And then I go, hey, I'm trying not to, why do you even need to watch that? I go, this is naked tits.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  Cause he's cool.

• 43:28Matt McCusker?

  It's awesome, there's naked tits, and I saw them when I was like nine, and it's just, you're not, it's just, I'm always gonna watch that if you don't touch my penis, so.

• 43:36Speaker 01

  It's a tough combo. She said, why do you even watch that?

• 43:38Matt McCusker?

  I've, I've failed that a bunch of times. Why would you even have to watch that? I go, what, what, what do you mean? Why, I mean, I don't have to, but like, you know, why doesn't an engine need?

• 43:45Speaker 01

  Speeds up the process.

• 43:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, why does an engine need grease? You know what I mean? Like, come on.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  You're gonna lube the wheels a little.

• 43:50Matt McCusker?

  Exactly. I mean, bro, there can only be so much.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  You want me to jack off for three hours? Or do you want it to be five fucking minutes? You tell me.

• 43:58Matt McCusker?

  You gotta, dude, you gotta relieve the tension in the bow, otherwise it breaks.

• 44:01Speaker 01

  Of course. You got a long bow. You got a British long bow.

• 44:06Matt McCusker?

  I got the crossbow, dude.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  I got a stubby hunt. I got a stubby Irish hunting bow.

• 44:16Matt McCusker?

  I am losing weight, I'm excited to get like point oh oh one inches length back.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 44:21Matt McCusker?

  It's nice. I'm trying to get down to like one eighty. Did four miles a day.

• 44:26Speaker 01

  That's sick.

• 44:26Matt McCusker?

  In the Texas sun.

• 44:27Speaker 01

  It blows, I went for a walk yesterday, I, it was fucking miserable.

• 44:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 44:32Speaker 01

  I, I should've put on sunscreen, I forgot.

• 44:33Matt McCusker?

  What time'd you go?

• 44:37Speaker 01

  One or two?

• 44:38Matt McCusker?

  That dude, that's like-

• 44:39Speaker 01

  It was fucking terrible.

• 44:39Matt McCusker?

  Absolute heat of the day.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:41Matt McCusker?

  If you, if you catch like a 8 a.m. when the sun's just kinda just getting settled, it's so nice.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  I'm not catching that.

• 44:47Matt McCusker?

  Catch it. Catch it.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  Not with this schedule.

• 44:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  I'm dying, brother.

• 44:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you must be tired.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  I'm tired.

• 44:55Matt McCusker?

  Must be tired.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  Dude, I had to, we did a show in L.A. on Wednesday night. After the show, we had to fly to Boston to do the Boston show. I left L.A. at like 11 a.m. or 11 p.m.

• 45:08Matt McCusker?

  Ah.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  Cross-country flight, lose three hours. I got in at like 7:30 a.m. Went to, I slept from like 8 to 2, maybe?

• 45:17Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Then had to wake up and go do the fucking Boston Garden.

• 45:23Matt McCusker?

  But, and thrice as well, right?

• 45:24Speaker 01

  And then Friday, Saturday, but that was, that was awesome. Boston's like, literally the best.

• 45:29Matt McCusker?

  But that does suck.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  And then after the show Saturday, get on a plane and fly back to do the roast that day. And the roast on, on the west coast, we had to start, I had to, I had to get there at like 9 a.m.

• 45:39Matt McCusker?

  Ah.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:41Matt McCusker?

  So you, you did a night flight back, basically?

• 45:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:44Matt McCusker?

  You must be tired.

• 45:45Speaker 01

  I'm a little tired from that.

• 45:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I mean, that's like, that's literally-

• 45:48Speaker 01

  I did nothing yesterday, I'm fine.

• 45:50Matt McCusker?

  It is the stuff of jet lag, though.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  Takes one day.

• 45:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Coast to coast is tough.

• 45:54Speaker 01

  Coast to coast is really tough.

• 45:55Matt McCusker?

  Coast to coast, and coast to coast, really.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  California to Boston and a show that day, that sucked.

• 46:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 46:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:02Matt McCusker?

  That's, yeah, that's fucking, it is funny going from like L.A. and then just hitting like the palest.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  I was so happy to be home. So happy to be back on the east coast. The northeast, just with ugly pale guys, my brothers.

• 46:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's nice, actually.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  My fucking dogs, finally.

• 46:20Matt McCusker?

  Boston does rule.

• 46:21Speaker 01

  Boston's maybe the best city.

• 46:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it is.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  It's up there.

• 46:25Matt McCusker?

  It is really nice. Anytime you put out a bunch of shows, Boston always is like, sells out.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:29Matt McCusker?

  So fast. So weird, it's like, it's, there literally just are the bros there.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  It was my last arena.

• 46:35Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 46:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:36Matt McCusker?

  For what?

• 46:37Speaker 01

  For the, for that arena tour.

• 46:38Matt McCusker?

  For that tour, yeah.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. The only thing I've left is the link, dude. It's time to focus on the link.

• 46:44Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man. Told you it happened to me. I got, yeah, I got fucking high. Like, I got high off a gun.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  Thought about it?

• 46:50Matt McCusker?

  Thought about it. I had a full body panic attack. I was like, that's so many fucking people. And I just, for real, full body, just like, oh, fuck.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 46:58Matt McCusker?

  Doesn't even make sense.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  You're entering my realm.

• 47:00Matt McCusker?

  Nothing makes sense.

• 47:01Speaker 01

  You're entering what I've been doing for three straight years, every day. Every day. You wake up and go, holy shit, fuck.

• 47:09Matt McCusker?

  It doesn't make sense.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  And then you go, you know what? Fine. I'll, I'll check the internet. Fuck him. All right. Fuck. All my thoughts were right. I am a terrible person.

• 47:21Matt McCusker?

  It is funny. That, that's like, it really is. It's like the, the part of yourself that's like, looking out and judging the world just gets like scraped through all of the same part of other people's just like,

• 47:32Matt McCusker?

  the wall that's left. Either you become calcified and nasty, or you just let all the nasties go and you're not even, can't be nasty anymore.

• 47:38Speaker 01

  Can't be worried about the nasties.

• 47:39Matt McCusker?

  Can't be worried. That's why it also makes sense too. Like when you're, when I was younger and I'd watch like famous actors talk about anything. I'm like, this guy's a freak. But then it's like, oh, this guy, since he's been 12, has been like, just berated by newspapers. And that's why they get in there and they're like, it's all about the work and about your energy. You're like, yeah, that's what happens after that.

• 47:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. But that would be the end of our careers.

• 47:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  If we became a weird fruit.

• 48:01Matt McCusker?

  Leather bracelets. Leather bracelets.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  I'll get some leather bracelets, will you?

• 48:05Matt McCusker?

  You need to get them. And be like, it's all about the good internal to the activity. It's Aristotle said that. It's about the fa, the vibes, obviously. You're like, this guy's a fucking fruit. And you're like, dude, I've just.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  I would break one day though. In the middle of an interview, be like, yeah, that guy is a fucking fruit. I fucking hate that fucking guy, dude.

• 48:24Matt McCusker?

  Oh, fuck.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  I'm back. No.

• 48:26Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no. I gotta meet him now. Fuck.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  You know what? I am allowed to say whatever I want.

• 48:34Speaker 01

  Hey, if I think it's funny, I'll fucking say it.

• 48:38Speaker 01

  In the middle of like a kid's cartoon show I'm doing, I'm voicing a dog on a, you know what? Fuck it.

• 48:50Matt McCusker?

  True. Yeah, we shall see. I mean, it'll, it was the buzz. It was the talk of the town.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  But some people have to face their eye nasties.

• 48:56Matt McCusker?

  You do. You do. And it's coming.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  Why you tell me somebody had to face their eye nasties?

• 49:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, people, everyone's facing them. People are dying by the eye nasties. Because it will rocket you. It'll, it's rocket fuel.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  You can be as nasty as you want.

• 49:10Matt McCusker?

  It'll rocket you, but also too, you're gathering the nasties. And they're gonna, as soon as anything even decent happens for you, which is best case scenario, the nasties will turn.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:21Matt McCusker?

  They'll go.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 49:23Matt McCusker?

  Ah, no, please. Please.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:26Matt McCusker?

  I'm not a liquid death sponsorship. It's all working out. Please, no.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  When the thing you dreamed of happening, happens. And all you can think about is, oh, the fucking eye nasties. The shit I put out in the world seven years ago. No.

• 49:42Matt McCusker?

  Don't even remember it.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  I just pray no one remembers.

• 49:49Matt McCusker?

  Yep, yep, yep. It happens. But hey, man, again, all we can do is work hard and get leather bracelets.

• 49:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, that plant's blocking my balls still, right? Alright.

• 49:58Matt McCusker?

  Perfect.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Keep an eye on that.

• 50:00Matt McCusker?

  True. We should get one prod, just eye on the balls the entire time.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:05Matt McCusker?

  That'd be nice.

• 50:06Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 50:06Matt McCusker?

  You got your eye on it?

• 50:08Speaker 01

  I keep my eyes, just so you know, I occasionally, I glance at yours as well. I'm glad you found a bigger pair of shorts for once.

• 50:15Matt McCusker?

  Oh, my God, dude.

• 50:16Speaker 01

  Normally, he's wearing a fucking skidoo. It's disgusting.

• 50:19Matt McCusker?

  Oh, he's, he's got the rottweiler turd just fucking hanging.

• 50:25Matt McCusker?

  Just folded over.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  It really is, dude. It's like a Dalmatian era, like a fucking little tail of a

• 50:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dog, the dog just got into some paper towels. You go, did you do that? Just looks like guardian's dog's tail just completely folded.

• 50:45Speaker 01

  You should have seen Nate's fucking soft ass dog.

• 50:47Matt McCusker?

  I seen it.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  Came over, we had a couple, yeah, you saw, were you here when he was?

• 50:53Matt McCusker?

  I, when he got, when he got tough, I saw him get tough at the end of the night.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  That was nice.

• 50:57Matt McCusker?

  Though, the pit breeds get a little, they can get like a little sundowners at like nighttime, they're in like a, like a weird place, they get like kinda like whacked out. I've seen that before.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Butterdog was being very funny.

• 51:06Speaker 04

  He wasn't gonna do nothing, he's the softest, it's, I'm ashamed of how soft he is.

• 51:11Matt McCusker?

  Sweet dog.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  It's funny, I could tell how ashamed Nate was, so I kept being like, man.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Dog's, yeah, a zesty dog. The dog was being perfect, it was a great dog.

• 51:21Matt McCusker?

  You should let him be gay with Jackson.

• 51:23Speaker 04

  He would a hundred percent be gay with me.

• 51:24Matt McCusker?

  Oh dude, Jackson will gay, Jackson is blind, but he'll still be gay, if he can like find a dog's dick, he's all over.

• 51:30Speaker 01

  Jackson is a blind freak.

• 51:32Matt McCusker?

  He'll like echolocate another dog's dick and just be like, ah.

• 51:37Matt McCusker?

  He would for real molest your dog.

• 51:39Speaker 04

  My dog would just lay there and take it.

• 51:41Matt McCusker?

  That's what Jackson used to do.

• 51:43Speaker 04

  They, don't put twink on him, don't put twink on my dog, he's at least a bear.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  He's definitely not a bear, he's a tub, he's a pretty small.

• 51:52Matt McCusker?

  Jackson's old.

• 51:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:54Matt McCusker?

  But he still has his appetites.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Still has his appetites.

• 52:00Speaker 01

  Can't teach him new tricks.

• 52:01Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 52:03Speaker 04

  Alright, it's alright, it's better than, it's better than alternative, he could be the worst fucking dog.

• 52:08Matt McCusker?

  He's a sweet dog.

• 52:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I wish he would do a little something, he don't even bark, he doesn't bark.

• 52:16Matt McCusker?

  That breed doesn't bark, that breed doesn't bark.

• 52:18Speaker 01

  He doesn't bark?

• 52:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they don't, he, what kinda, what is he?

• 52:21Speaker 01

  I think he's just full pit.

• 52:22Matt McCusker?

  He looks like a little staffy a bit.

• 52:24Speaker 04

  He might, I, I just got him from the shelter and they just had pit.

• 52:27Matt McCusker?

  Well, they, they don't, they don't bark, I have a staffy, same thing, they, they'll go like, wahhh.

• 52:32Speaker 04

  All he does is whine, he hits a, hmm.

• 52:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, he goes, uh.

• 52:36Speaker 04

  Yeah. He was doing it at the end of the night.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  His dog the whole time is just going, uh.

• 52:42Speaker 04

  Fuck me.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  He's so weird, bark.

• 52:47Matt McCusker?

  The mailman comes, he goes, fuck me.

• 52:51Matt McCusker?

  His eyes crossed.

• 52:57Matt McCusker?

  Oh dude, we even talk about the, uh, who was the guy, the Indian dude who claimed the white boss lady dominated him sexually?

• 53:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:05Matt McCusker?

  That just came and went, man.

• 53:08Matt McCusker?

  That's dude, I gotta give it to that guy.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  We talked about it on Rogan.

• 53:11Matt McCusker?

  Did you?

• 53:11Speaker 01

  And I, it was like the day it came out and they read the quote and I was like, this reads like an Indian guy. I don't think she said that. That is a horny Indian guy.

• 53:21Matt McCusker?

  What did he call him? Bazookas?

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Cannons.

• 53:23Matt McCusker?

  Cannons, cannons.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  Cannons is sick, but what did he call his own wife? A fish head Asian wife? That's the, that's the hardest part about getting caught in this.

• 53:32Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  It's like, wait, why'd you call me?

• 53:34Matt McCusker?

  Why'd you call me a fish head with tiny cannons?

• 53:35Speaker 01

  Why did you make that up?

• 53:39Speaker 02

  Like, the boss was like, uh?

• 53:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, but he's the one who wrote it.

• 53:42Speaker 02

  Wrote it, oh.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  So he wrote, like, yeah, what does your fish head Asian wife think about this?

• 53:47Matt McCusker?

  Or that lady?

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Turns out he wrote it.

• 53:49Speaker 02

  It was all fake?

• 53:49Matt McCusker?

  Is that for sure?

• 53:50Speaker 01

  I believe it was fake.

• 53:51Matt McCusker?

  Or, or does that lady have everyone in the office so raciously domed that they're like, yes, yes mistress, we will, we will defeat the rumor? I got like semi-ed when I read.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  No one's mad about a thick racist dom.

• 54:05Speaker 02

  Dude, that lady was hot. Did you see the tall picture?

• 54:08Speaker 01

  I think that had, was that AI? Cause that picture is nuts, dude. Is that real?

• 54:13Matt McCusker?

  She, I mean, she could have fully bimphied me. You know that guy who got caught with the balloons? If I worked for that lady, I'd, I'd have the balloons and spandex on and like, I'm your little fucking bimbo.

• 54:23Speaker 01

  Wait, where, where did she work? JP Morgan or?

• 54:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Also, what a fucking weird leg up for that lady professionally. To just dodge that bullet and now it's like, you're in a little interview with some old guy and he's like, yeah, fucking guy was saying, you were saying, you know, what, what were you saying to that guy? He's just fucking.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  I wanna see the fucking picture of her.

• 54:44Matt McCusker?

  I don't know.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Standing on the desk racially dominating some poor Indian man.

• 54:50Speaker 01

  Oh, there it is.

• 54:51Matt McCusker?

  Why would they take this picture?

• 54:52Speaker 01

  Let me see, let me see. It's so hot.

• 54:55Matt McCusker?

  Yo. They do, that's like LinkedIn Edge. They definitely will do that at LinkedIn.

• 55:02Speaker 01

  Is that real?

• 55:04Matt McCusker?

  I think so. That's a girl, but dude, girl bosses get wild, like a corporate girl boss. That's like, that's their Instagram. That's, you gotta break through the glass ceiling somehow, dude. Get on the glass. Shatter that thing. Dude, I'm mad, I mean dude, he was claiming forced blowjobs. He was claiming, it's like, bro, stop it. That's so horny to leave a job.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  It's like, I'm gonna sue this place and be like, yeah, also, I'm the fucking man. The reason I got fired is because I kept getting my dick sucked by the hot lady at work.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  You feel bad for him or her?

• 55:36Matt McCusker?

  Also, why would he do that, though? Why would he make that up?

• 55:41Speaker 01

  He tried to get the bag.

• 55:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 55:45Matt McCusker?

  He wanted to get 10 mil from him?

• 55:49Speaker 01

  Again, kinda similar to Big Jay's joke. It's like, that's not that much if you're asking JP Morgan for 10 mil.

• 55:56Matt McCusker?

  I know. But it's like, you wanna hit that minimum threshold of like, what will they just settle? Be like, hey, we don't even want this.

• 56:03Speaker 01

  It's not worth it. Give him 10 mil.

• 56:05Matt McCusker?

  He should've went for like a guy, and like the guy was sucking my dick and holding me. That would've...

• 56:10Speaker 01

  Her last name is Hodge Dini.

• 56:12Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 56:13Speaker 01

  You're the Hodge Dini?

• 56:16Matt McCusker?

  Hogg Dini.

• 56:17Speaker 01

  Hogg Dini.

• 56:18Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that, uh, yeah, that was like, because it was so unbelievable to be like, hold on. And also, it was like, you, you just can't catch any sympathy. Be like, my boss would fucking blow me and say really cool stuff to me. It's like, dude, nobody's gonna believe that. Like, okay dude, so you got, you got five. Okay, one, you were nervous and got a forced blowjob. Still is like, there's A, there's no such thing. It's not even forced.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can take a step back.

• 56:43Matt McCusker?

  You could easily take a, but she was like, oh, fucking fuck.

• 56:47Speaker 01

  In my case, you can take a slight lean back.

• 56:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude. Also, the most unbelievable thing for your boss to be like, if you don't let me blow you, I'll fire you. It's like, that has never happened, ever. Just your chick boss being like...

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Okay. You gotta toss that chick boss in there.

• 57:02Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  I'm sure there's a couple fellow bosses that were like, I'm gonna suck your dick and fire you.

• 57:07Matt McCusker?

  For sure. 100%.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:09Matt McCusker?

  That's how the industry works.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  You're the boss of Nickelodeon.

• 57:11Matt McCusker?

  That's how...

• 57:13Speaker 01

  You're the CEO of Nickelodeon, you go, I'm gonna blow these kids, you're fired.

• 57:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, tell me there's a girl boss, just like week three of her menstrual cycle being like, I'm gonna fucking blow this guy. If he doesn't let me, he's fucking ruined. I will not endorse his skills on LinkedIn if he doesn't fucking jam his fucking dong in my mouth.

• 57:37Matt McCusker?

  But I saw it and I was like, what the fuck is this? And like instantly it was like, yeah, that guy made that up.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  Especially fish head as a slur for an Asian.

• 57:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  That sounds like a very, it's a colloquialism from India, I believe.

• 57:53Matt McCusker?

  Is it really?

• 57:54Speaker 01

  Must be. I would have heard it.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  That sounds like a foreign insult.

• 57:59Matt McCusker?

  Here's a hasn't crossed the pond.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  That insult hasn't been here. Although it is an invasive species because I'm taking that one.

• 58:06Matt McCusker?

  I've actually, I have heard it before.

• 58:08Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 58:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was, that's like an old, old school guy.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:12Matt McCusker?

  So that's an old, old, old one. That's why I was like, what the hell? Cannons.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  Where's she from?

• 58:18Matt McCusker?

  It'd be funny too, if he was like, if he played the audio and it's just his accent like, you don't have cannons like my wife. Your cannons are small and shameful. Dude, speaking of small cannons, I was listening to Shakira recently. Cause the Zoo.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  It reminded me, what you were about to say reminded me of, yeah.

• 58:36Matt McCusker?

  Really? She has. Dude, what the fuck? You know that too?

• 58:40Speaker 01

  It's like the best song.

• 58:41Matt McCusker?

  It's amazing. Yeah. I didn't know that she said, she has, she said, they're not like mountains. They're small and humble.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  They're small. She has humble mountains.

• 58:48Matt McCusker?

  Just humble. I was like, damn, I never even thought about that.

• 58:50Speaker 01

  She has humble breasts, but.

• 58:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. But her hips don't lie.

• 58:53Speaker 01

  They're not even fucking lying.

• 58:56Matt McCusker?

  I never heard to be like, yeah, you know how those big fat mountainous titties? Mine are small and just humble.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:02Matt McCusker?

  It's like, fuck, that's, cause that was probably originally written in Spanish and then they like, you know, uh, just crossed it over to English and you're like, is that a fucking thing? And this chick with her fucking.

• 59:13Speaker 01

  Humble tits?

• 59:13Matt McCusker?

  Narcissistic, big fat narcissistic titties. You're like.

• 59:18Speaker 01

  How come we can't do that?

• 59:19Matt McCusker?

  That's true. The fact that I didn't.

• 59:21Speaker 01

  How can we go, lucky that my dick is small and humble?

• 59:26Matt McCusker?

  Not standing like a mountain.

• 59:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's a, cuz I was like, Zootopia, the Zootopia soundtrack is all Shakira. She kinda, she does kinda kill it on those soundtracks, she doesn't get enough cred, but I was introducing Maya, I'm like, yeah, she has like a lot of other songs. And like, I was listening to it, I heard the boobs, humble mountain tits, and I was like, what the fuck? And I now, during that song, I just go, mm.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, you got it, yeah.

• 59:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I gotta cover up your, the line about humble, humble, small boobs.

• 59:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, you don't want your kids taking that to school.

• 59:54Matt McCusker?

  No, no, cuz they remember every lyric too.

• 59:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:57Matt McCusker?

  And you're just like, ah, alright, don't, don't, don't do that.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  I just rewatched little kids singing, uh, to Lil Nas X. It's like my favorite, it's the best, it's one of the best videos ever, he does a s- school assembly.

• 1:00:11Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  And he sings Old Town Road, just watching the kids hit every lyric, and then there's a part about like, boobies, they hit that one hard.

• 1:00:19Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's so funny. That's so funny. Is Lil, uh, would you say Lil Nas X started the, like, rap, R and B, country crossover?

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  I don't know, maybe.

• 1:00:31Matt McCusker?

  I feel like he really, I, I feel like he kicked it off. For Little George Line, was that?

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, they had Nelly, they did a song with Nelly.

• 1:00:39Matt McCusker?

  When was that?

• 1:00:40Speaker 01

  A long time ago.

• 1:00:41Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I remember that, actually.

• 1:00:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. So that was, okay, so that was back in the day, but then I feel, yeah.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  With Billy Ray Cyrus?

• 1:00:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  But he did Old Town Road, too.

• 1:00:57Matt McCusker?

  He did.

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  Billy Ray's all over it.

• 1:00:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:00Speaker 01

  Kid Rock was an early innovator.

• 1:01:02Matt McCusker?

  He was, he, he had that song with Sheryl Crow that actually certified.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:07Matt McCusker?

  Picture?

• 1:01:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:08Matt McCusker?

  Song's awesome. That's one song you catch on the radio, it's like that, Goo Goo Dolls or whatever, and you're like, fuck, that's awesome.

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  Goo Goo Dolls does rule.

• 1:01:15Matt McCusker?

  Did you see the Spirit Airlines, speaking of the Goo Goo Dolls song, when they do like, remember, their, that whole thing's like, what was I like in the nineties? And they play that Goo Goo Dolls song, they did this, what was Spirit Airlines like in the nineties and two thousands? And it dude, it's just, you see the thing of a guy taking the luggage and throwing it off, there's like the conveyor belt, and he just fucking throws it, he's like twenty feet up. He just goes, mm, it's just people fighting, people throwing luggage, it's, it's pretty funny.

• 1:01:39Speaker 01

  The Goo Goo Dolls song gives me anxiety because I did one of the lamest things I've ever done.

• 1:01:44Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Uh, it was, I remember when that song came out, if it came on the radio, I would take out my yearbook and look at the girl I liked.

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  I was in third grade. I was in third grade laying on the floor, laying on the floor like.

• 1:02:02Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that's.

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  I didn't even like her that much. I'd just be in my room pretending to be in love. Freaked.

• 1:02:09Matt McCusker?

  No one can blame. No, that song is so powerful.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  It was too powerful.

• 1:02:12Matt McCusker?

  The Goo Goo Dolls songs.

• 1:02:13Speaker 01

  Cause I don't want the world to see me. Cause I don't think that they'd understand. I'd literally lay on the floor like, she's so beautiful.

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  My dad would knock, what the fuck you doing in there? Not that I'm getting ready for football. I'm not fucking gay.

• 1:02:35Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Should've admitted that.

• 1:02:38Matt McCusker?

  What you do to that? That song used to fuck me up. If I'd be driving, I'd instantly just be like, oh my God, I have so much love.

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  I'm in so mu- I'm so in love with you. I don't want the world to even see me.

• 1:02:47Matt McCusker?

  Dudes were powerless, dude. The Goo Goo Dolls, I don't know what kind of evil magic they did. Even though obviously the fucking strongest guys like us, the most masked dudes in the world.

• 1:02:55Speaker 01

  Most masked dudes became certified loveable.

• 1:03:00Matt McCusker?

  So fucking misunderstood.

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  No one understands my love for you.

• 1:03:05Speaker 01

  And I'd see her in school and I'd be like, hey, how are you?

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  You ever think about kissing?

• 1:03:16Speaker 01

  I wouldn't.

• 1:03:22Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man. That was the best in grade school and like, cause also like girls would just like set up things too. They'd be like, you know, you're her girl, your boyfriend, right? And you'd be like, what? You'd have like hold hands for five minutes in recess and be like, holy shit. You're like third grade, like I have a fucking girlfriend right now. This is crazy. And then.

• 1:03:37Matt McCusker?

  Two days later, friends.

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, two days later, they go, she's done. You guys have to break up now.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  You go home, you go, oh.

• 1:03:49Matt McCusker?

  The fuck was that? Why'd she do that? Yeah, it literally happened to me. I remember they like tied our jackets together in the recess yard. We just like stood there like this and then like two days later, like she's breaking up with you. And I was like, okay. And I said something really mean about her and I got in trouble.

• 1:04:04Speaker 01

  I don't care. She's flat.

• 1:04:08Speaker 01

  She's fucking flat. Think I'd give a fuck?

• 1:04:13Matt McCusker?

  I mean, that is crazy that like you're in school as a kid and then the year like tits just come online and you're just got you're like you're expected to still do school. It's insane.

• 1:04:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:26Matt McCusker?

  I mean, it's fucking nuts. I remember when tits came online and I was just kinda like, yeah, the fuck?

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, tits were crazy.

• 1:04:33Matt McCusker?

  What the fuck, dude?

• 1:04:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:34Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy. It was nuts. It's a lot.

• 1:04:37Speaker 01

  It's, it is without a doubt.

• 1:04:39Matt McCusker?

  For a young guy.

• 1:04:40Speaker 01

  And then everyone just calls the girl who got tits a whore.

• 1:04:44Speaker 01

  Everyone is like, yeah, she's a slut, dude. She has huge tits. Fucking slut.

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  Everyone fucked her.

• 1:04:54Speaker 01

  Even the teachers up in, yeah, whatever, whore.

• 1:04:59Speaker 01

  Can't believe this girl got boobs first.

• 1:05:03Speaker 01

  She must've had sex with everyone.

• 1:05:05Matt McCusker?

  As soon as school let out the summer, we all got mega laid by the chick with the big tits.

• 1:05:12Matt McCusker?

  That's the best move. I, again, I, that's the one thing I've never, never pussy lied and it's like, I regret it. I didn't know you could just do that, but yeah, her, yeah, we fucked. Just keep moving.

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had a boy who hit the funniest pussy lie ever. He said he titty fucked a girl.

• 1:05:28Speaker 01

  We asked her and she was like, no.

• 1:05:31Speaker 01

  I was like, why'd you say titty fuck, dude? You could've said anything.

• 1:05:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, we titty fucked. We titty fucked.

• 1:05:40Matt McCusker?

  They need to be, pussy liars need to be studied.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  Pussy lying is hilarious. It's not even something you need to study. You know exactly where it comes. You don't think I want a pussy lie, dude? We all want to. We all want your boys to be like, damn, you're cool.

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  Everybody wants to pussy lie. You just can't.

• 1:05:58Matt McCusker?

  It's so fucking funny just to be like, oh yeah.

• 1:06:00Speaker 01

  At the lunch table, be like, I'm doing it.

• 1:06:02Matt McCusker?

  I'm pussy lying.

• 1:06:03Speaker 01

  I'm about to pussy lie right now. Okay, here we go. Yeah, pussy. I titty fucked her.

• 1:06:10Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that girl we've all liked for three years? Yeah, bro, I fucking titty fucked her.

• 1:06:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I titty fucked her at the party.

• 1:06:15Matt McCusker?

  When? Yeah, it was just fucking the other weekend.

• 1:06:16Speaker 01

  At the party when we were all there. I went outside, I titty fucked her behind the house.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  I titty fucked her next to an HVAC unit on the side of the house.

• 1:06:28Matt McCusker?

  She's never seen someone as big as me?

• 1:06:31Matt McCusker?

  It's so funny.

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  She's in the room. At the lunch table, you go, hold on, is that true? No.

• 1:06:38Matt McCusker?

  It's also funny just to be a seventh grade girl and just be like, what the fuck? This guy didn't titty fuck me?

• 1:06:46Matt McCusker?

  I'd be so mad.

• 1:06:49Matt McCusker?

  I'd be so mad. Someone claimed. I'll just live in my, just live in my day, just chill, live in my life, and someone's just like, yeah, I heard that guy titty fucked you behind the fucking, behind the recycling bin. At the Rudloski's house.

• 1:07:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:07:07Matt McCusker?

  Alright, we did it.

• 1:07:08Speaker 01

  Let's, uh, switch over to the Patreon.

• 1:07:12Matt McCusker?

  Bye.

• 1:07:12Speaker 01

  God bless.

• 1:07:14Matt McCusker?

  Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:07:17Speaker 01

  Do it.