335. It's okay to change your mind

We often think that once we've made a decision, or said we believe something, or stated something about ourselves, we must always stay the same and can never change our minds. That is entirely incorrect - being able to say "I was wrong" or "this isn't me anymore" show incredible psychological strength. Being able to quit and start again is often the start of a truly fulfilled life. In today's episode we discuss how being okay with changing your mind can: Help us make better decisions Overcome disappointing others Reduce our fear of judgement Lead to a more fulfilled life + so much more Listen now! ORDER MY BOOK https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:04Jemma Sbeg?

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• 3:44Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

• 4:03Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we are talking about decision making, but not in a way that you expect. We're not talking about how we can make decisions, how we know that we're making the right decision. We're not going to talk about how to weigh up costs and benefits, how to have certainty in your decisions. We're actually going to talk about the aftermath of making a choice, where you realise, hey, this actually isn't right for me.

• 4:48Jemma Sbeg?

  This actually isn't what I believe in. This actually isn't what I want for my life. And why it feels so hard in those moments to admit that we were wrong, or I guess to change our mind. I obviously on this podcast reflects so much on my own personal growth. If you've been here for a long time, you will know that I started the psychology of your twenties basically as a way to kind of therapise myself and to kind of like interrogate, explore, research, like the stuff that was going on in my own life and in my twenties. And a big thing that I am learning right now is exactly this, changing your mind and having to tell people that, or having to let

• 5:33Jemma Sbeg?

  people down is incredibly uncomfortable. It is also absolutely necessary, especially in this decade. And I have had to do this a lot recently. I had to turn down like a really big business opportunity that I really wanted to do, but realised like, you know, no, I'm not right for this, or it's not the right time for me. I've changed my mind on some of my political opinions recently. But what really inspired me to talk about this and what has made me realise why we need to talk about this more was a friend of mine who recently called off an engagement and she's given me permission to talk about this. But basically, she knew when she said yes to her now ex fiance, like in the bottom of her heart, that this wasn't right.

• 6:15Jemma Sbeg?

  And she ignored it for months. They'd been together for four years. Her whole family loved him. Everyone said they were soulmates, but the relationship obviously looked very different from within, which you know, as a friend, you only really find out later on most of the time. And she was telling me in hindsight how she was going back and forth, kind of plagued with guilt, plagued with doubt, plagued with this fear of disappointing people. People who had kind of come to expect something from her and in a way, something from her relationship. And finally, she just had to make the call. Obviously, in the aftermath, we've been talking a lot about not like how this happened, but yeah, how did this happen?

• 6:56Jemma Sbeg?

  How was it that she ended up engaged to someone who she knew wasn't right for her? And we've been talking a lot about this whole concept of having to admit to ourselves and having to admit to others that we have changed as a person, that we have changed our minds and how if we talked about how truly normal this is, we would be saving people a lot of doubt, a lot of heartbreak and a lot of kind of wasted time at the end of the day. If time can ever be wasted, but that's another discussion. So to get into it, this is a quick summary of what we are going to discuss. First, I want to talk about why we resist changing our minds because of a fear of being judged, a fear of disappointing people, especially our parents. We're going to talk about sunk cost fallacy

• 7:41Jemma Sbeg?

  and what it actually means and what it feels like and what comes after disappointment. Secondly, we're going to talk about the cost of staying loyal to old and outdated versions of ourselves. And why actually being less afraid to say, I was wrong, I made the wrong decision, this is not right for me, would actually counterintuitively allow us to make decisions easier and with a lot less anxiety. It's a big topic, guys, but honestly, I think there's a lot of clarity that comes with accepting this huge truth. You can't always make the right decision, but you cannot make a better one unless you have the courage to admit, I was wrong.

• 8:26Jemma Sbeg?

  And so hopefully this episode gives you the courage. Without further ado, let's get into why it is okay to change your mind. Stay with us.

• 8:40Jemma Sbeg?

  So I know I've kind of framed this discussion as changing your mind about big decisions, like an engagement or I don't know, a job. But honestly, I think that this extends to just about anything. Changing your mind about your beliefs, your political opinions, um, the kind of people you want to surround yourself with, the kind of clothes you want to wear, where you want to live, who you want to be with, what kind of person you see yourself as. Like there are countless moments and forks in the road where we make choices and we change our mind about who we want to be, either consciously or unconsciously. None of these things are ever set in stone just because they were once important to you or because you once claimed it was something that you believed in.

• 9:25Jemma Sbeg?

  You are allowed to change as a person. When you really interrogate this as well, oftentimes, some of the core pillars of our identity that we feel most loyal to, some of our core opinions and beliefs are things that we first started to believe in at like 18 or maybe even younger. It was often things that were influenced by family, influenced by the people around us, by our environments. And the influence of these factors kind of diminishes when we leave those spaces and the older we get. And we also importantly, start to really independently rethink parts of our lives that we've kind of always just assumed or we've kind of just taken for granted.

• 10:08Jemma Sbeg?

  Or, you know, decisions that we just felt were inevitable because someone had wanted them from us, someone had served it up on a silver platter and said, this is what we've chosen for you. Now, changing your mind about those things, terrifying, scary, also a good thing. This is what we call individuation. It is an essential part of our psychological development whereby we separate from the collective or the norms that have previously shaped us. So that we can carve out our own unique persona and unique identity. It is one of our goals, one of our missions as humans to go through this phase in our life.

• 10:51Jemma Sbeg?

  If you wanna move from child to adult and then from adult to individual, you have to go through this period, maybe a couple of times. And people who don't do this, I think we all know one of them. They end up basically without an identity, very miserable. And what this theory says is that they are incredibly malleable to others' opinions, others' expectations, and they go through life never really figuring out who they are. That sounds pretty scary to me. Now, this word individuation, very serious, might sound like a very serious term, but you have probably, if you are in your twenties, already experienced this to a degree.

• 11:35Jemma Sbeg?

  Even if you're like eighteen or younger, that's when this really begins to take hold. It's when we decide, you know, hey, maybe I don't wanna study law at university just because my parents expect me to. Maybe I don't fully believe my family's ultra-conservative viewpoints. Maybe I don't like dressing this way. Maybe this is more my personal style. We realise, maybe I don't like being around these people. Maybe I don't like my hometown. Maybe I don't wanna have kids. Maybe I do wanna have kids. After saying that you thought one thing for a long time and maybe now you feel differently about those matters. Our twenties are a period where we change our mind a whole lot. And we have a lot of these sort of what we would call epiphanies.

• 12:20Jemma Sbeg?

  These like come to moments where we're like, wait, what am I doing? Like, I don't like this. I don't believe this. I am not this.

• 12:32Jemma Sbeg?

  Firstly, it's because we gain a lot of independence physically, but also emotionally. But secondly, we are undergoing rapid identity development and experimentation. You may find yourself wanting different things every three months, every year, every week, maybe. That's actually totally normal. You know, one day you might feel like, oh, I need to leave this city and never come back. I'm gonna move to Puerto Rico, I'm gonna move to London. And then the next you're like, no, I'm gonna find a really nice person and settle down. Or I'm gonna start a farm. And then the next you're thinking, I'm gonna go back to university and I'm gonna learn a trade. And it's like a fricking cyclone in your mind of possibilities. That's amazing.

• 13:15Jemma Sbeg?

  That's actually exactly where you should be. I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but that is, you're doing it right. You may have heard this idea that our brains aren't fully developed until 25. I think that's a very famous, a famous fact that is actually a myth, that is actually not entirely true. And there's actually no solid evidence for this. Our brains continue to develop across our lifespan. They actually peak in maturation anywhere between 20 to our early 30s. Like, it's a very broad and individual process. I think the reason we hear 25 is because 25 just sounds like a fun number.

• 13:58Jemma Sbeg?

  So our brains aren't fully developed at 25, but this is a period where we are doing a lot of fine tuning, especially in the prefrontal cortex, which this place, this part of our brain, it governs planning, it governs decision making, it governs things like impulse control. And so with this ongoing development, that means that our sense of judgment, our priorities, our long-term thinking is still under construction. It is still shifting constantly. And we also, just because of our age, have more doors open to us than we probably ever will. In our teen years, you know, we are kind of limited by our age, we're kind of limited by our maturity.

• 14:41Jemma Sbeg?

  As we get older, we also become limited by past decisions that we made in our twenties. You know, the decision to have kids, the decision to settle down in a certain place, the decision to get a mortgage. So this is like the most perfect. Little space and like nugget of time where our choices are so abundant. We're young, we're hopefully healthy and we're like a kid in a candy store rushing about being like, no, I want this one. Like, no, I want this one. I want this life. I want this life. We can't choose. It's why we make plans for the future, maybe like six months out and then like, because we are changing so rapidly during this decade, by the time we get there, we've like already changed our minds again.

• 15:27Jemma Sbeg?

  That doesn't mean you were lying about that choice or that that wasn't a priority at some stage. It is literally just that the fact like our, the, the rate at which we are changing as individuals, outpaces the rate at which we can sometimes make decisions and follow through on them. It is literally that you become a different person psychologically. I think in our twenties, like every six months. And I think that's important. This is quite literally the definition of trial and error. And I've said it before, I will continue to say it. Life is not meant to be a recipe where step one naturally leads into step two and step three, until you've made the dish you decided on at the beginning. It is a series of experiments.

• 16:11Jemma Sbeg?

  And even the experiments that don't work out, even the ones that you change your mind about, have taught you something. I think in your twenties, you live many, many lives, or at least you should, and changing your mind, being able to interpret what you want in a specific moment, even if that's different from what you wanted before, is a really, really important part of that. And it means that when you get to your thirties or your forties and you're ready to choose, you have as much information as you need to make the right choice. Now, these decisions, they often require action though, or at the very least, like some kind of vocalization.

• 16:52Jemma Sbeg?

  And this is where we find it hard to admit, I have changed my mind, I'm not that person anymore. Especially if we've already kind of started down the path. We think that just because we've said we are one thing, we must always be that thing. We must always believe in what we once did with conviction. We must always want what we claimed we once wanted. Why do we think that? Why is that? Of course, it's not one reason, it's never one reason, um, it's a multitude of reasons. I think we don't always want to admit we've changed our mind because there is a great deal of cultural messaging to do with sticking things out.

• 17:36Jemma Sbeg?

  Not quitting, following through, finishing what you started, being reliable, being trustworthy.

• 17:43Jemma Sbeg?

  The driver behind this is really other people's desire for continuity from us. They want us to be the same person that we were a year ago and a year before that, so that they can understand us. And it's also this idea that, you know, being a hard worker and having follow through gives you some kind of like moral superiority or means that you have a better kind of character. The problem with this framing is that, yes, making promises to other people or making promises to yourself and following through is amazing and should be something that you aspire to do. Not if though you don't actually want to do that thing.

• 18:26Jemma Sbeg?

  We've framed this as a failure of willpower, that someone just didn't have what it take, took or just wasn't committed enough, rather than realizing that changing your mind about these things is actually a really natural developmental process and a really important sign of growth. But I think that framing is why we feel a lot of shame around, you know, maybe quitting a degree that wasn't right for us or stepping away from a venture or ending a long-term relationship, whatever it may be that we'd previously committed to. Because we think it means we don't have a follow through. We think that it signals that we are a quitter, rather than someone who is actually very, very brave. This cultural conditioning, it is very powerful.

• 19:09Jemma Sbeg?

  Sometimes, you know, I often have this thought where I think, like, I wonder how many people are in loveless marriages or are in careers they don't want or stuck in cities they don't actually like, all because they don't want to be, they don't want to be seen as quitting or they don't want to be labelled as unreliable. And how wild is it that we have prioritised the opinions of some people that we may not even know or the opinions of people who don't actually have to live our life over our own desires? Like, it's really strange that we do that to ourselves.

• 19:52Jemma Sbeg?

  This kind of brings me to the next big factor, and that is the fear of judgement. Mainly, the fear of disappointing people, as we just said, especially people who are close to us. For many of us in our twenties, let's just say it, I think that's our parents. And our fear of disappointing our parents isn't one dimensional, it's actually very complex. For starters, your parents may have placed a lot of expectation on you that ended up really controlling your life. I know this is particularly the experience for firstborns, for eldest daughters, the children of immigrants, for example, the children of high achievers.

• 20:36Jemma Sbeg?

  I'm not an immigrant, so I can't directly speak to that experience, but it's something I get a lot of DMs about. How can I let my parents down? How can I forge my own path? How can I make them value my interests, even if they aren't going to make a whole lot of money, when they have sacrificed so much to get me here? So much to get me to this place, to raise me, to give me a better life? There was a 2020 study that found that the children of first generation immigrants often experience significantly more stress compared to their peers when it comes to meeting their parents' academic expectations. In fact, they often cite it as one of their main forms of academic motivation to please

• 21:16Jemma Sbeg?

  their parents, to live out their parents' dream compared to non-immigrant children, who say that often what motivates their study is a sense of personal, personal achievement or some kind of personal goal. They worry a lot less about parental approval, especially again, for firstborns. Imagine if you are a firstborn, first generation immigrant. Oh my God, the pressure to not let down your parents must be astounding. And birth order theory, whether you believe it or not, does hypothesize that if you are the firstborn child, the standard for you is higher, the expectations are greater. You are the example, you are being molded to eventually become the guide and the leader for the family.

• 22:01Jemma Sbeg?

  So stepping away from the dream your parents have for you, that's going against decades at some, in some cases of validation and decades of training. You know, if you're 20, 21, 27, whatever it is, that's like 20 years that this is the information you have been receiving from those around you, to please them, to impress them, to do what is best according to them. Here's the thing, you have two options here. You can keep up the facade, you can keep up with the expectations, you can keep up with what other people want from you, but that is a choice. You do have a choice. I'm going to give you some hard love here.

• 22:46Jemma Sbeg?

  At some stage, you have decided that this is what you were going to do. Even if you didn't realise it, you have decided to suppress the deeper individualised version of you. And that might be because it is the right choice based on your priorities. If disappointing your parents or letting them down is more serious to you than choosing your own path, that's okay, you've made that choice. But I just want to remind you that changing your mind is also an option. It will take a whole lot of courage, but on the other side of disappointment is clarity and is growth. What's the saying? You can't make, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

• 23:27Jemma Sbeg?

  You also can't make a life without disappointing a few people who are perhaps expecting too much from you or vicariously living through you. It doesn't make you unkind. In fact, I think not disappointing others would actually mean you're truly being unkind to yourself. It's actually a profound form of honesty and multiple studies, including a very famous one from the University of Chicago, find that actually being honest about your preferences, being willing to say no or to say I've changed my mind allows for more genuine happiness in almost, I think, the majority of the cases. Okay, we're gonna take a short break here, but when we return, we're gonna talk about

• 24:11Jemma Sbeg?

  sunk cost fallacy. We're also gonna talk about why being okay with changing your mind actually means that you could make decisions faster and experience less analysis paralysis. So stick around, we'll be right back after this short break.

• 24:34Jemma Sbeg?

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• 25:37Jemma Sbeg?

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• 26:14Jemma Sbeg?

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• 26:58Jemma Sbeg?

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• 27:13Jemma Sbeg?

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• 29:41Jemma Sbeg?

  So before we talk about why we should all be changing our minds a little bit more, and why it's actually really great for psychological wellbeing and for growth, let's talk about one final reason why we struggle to go back on decisions we previously felt were correct. And that final reason is the sunk cost fallacy. This is a very famous theory, you probably know it by now. But just to summarise, the more we feel we have put into a decision, we have put into a choice, we have put into a course of action, relationship, job, city, hobby, even identity, the less we feel we can walk away because we believe we will lose all of that time, all of that money, effort, energy that we have invested.

• 30:26Jemma Sbeg?

  That loss, we have a natural loss aversion as humans. We don't want to lose things, we don't want to lose out on things we've previously earned or given to something. It actually causes us to act really, really irrationally. And by irrationally, I mean it causes us to actually act against our self-interest. So let's talk about an experiment that shows this. So this experiment went this way. These participants were, I think, I don't know how many there were, doesn't matter. These participants were given the opportunity to work for $20. They just had to do a series of tasks. And if they did those tasks, they would get the $20.

• 31:10Jemma Sbeg?

  Now, after they had gotten the money, they were then given a 75% chance that they could make $100. But they would have to forfeit their right to that $20. The majority of these individuals would not take it. They felt they had put so much time and energy into making that money and they didn't want to give it up even for the chance of winning something much better. That is highly irrational. Now, I know you're probably thinking like, wait, but doesn't that, isn't it just showing that maybe these people don't like gambling? No, because the chances of them winning were 75%.

• 31:52Jemma Sbeg?

  Imagine if I told you, you go out and buy a lot of tickets, there's a 75% chance that you would win.

• 32:00Jemma Sbeg?

  Oh my god, I would be doing that because that's the rational choice, right? It was highly irrational in this situation for them to not take that opportunity. Because of the sunk cost fallacy, they didn't want to give up what they'd already worked really hard for. And that happens all the time in real life. If you think about my friend um and her engagement, you know, I told her this analogy. I was like, you put so much energy into this. You kept up appearances for so long, you really like, she did truly want it to work. I think that's the sad thing, really, like, she really wanted it to work. Um, so walking away from it, you just feel like all that time, what was it for? Was it for nothing?

• 32:46Jemma Sbeg?

  In my book, though, I give this analogy. So if you've read my book, I'm sorry, you will know what I'm about to say. But in my book, I give this analogy of this pair of boots that I bought. And at the time, they were like the most expensive pair of boots I had ever bought. You know what? They were the most expensive item of clothing, outerwear, anything that I had ever bought. It was ridiculous. It was like, I think I bought them with my first paycheck when I was working my like research job. And I was been waiting to get them for a while. They were so beautiful. They were three hundred dollars, uh, they were three hundred and fifty dollars, sorry. Just to give you a, you need that, you need to know how much they were for this later part. They were three hundred and fifty dollars and I wore them to this winery with my friends when I lived in Canberra.

• 33:29Jemma Sbeg?

  And they broke, literally on the first wear, the heel like snapped off. Now, I'd put three hundred and fifty dollars into these boots. So I went to a cobbler, because they still exist, and he fixed it, cost me a hundred dollars. Next, next time I wore them, the other heel broke off, cost me another one hundred dollars. Then I tore the zipper, cost me like fifty dollars. Then they broke again. I kid you not, these shoes were terribly made. Let's just say that. They were terribly made shoes. Um, and at that point, I had spent more money repairing these shoes when I literally could have just gone and bought a whole new pair. But it's because that investment, that initial investment of three hundred and fifty dollars and those

• 34:13Jemma Sbeg?

  other continual investments meant that this pair of shoes was no longer worthless to me, even though they literally didn't work. They were worth all that money that I'd put into them. Why was I wearing them? Why did I keep them? I should have literally just started from zero again and bought another pair of shoes, even if they were less as expensive and less dreamy, like because of the sunk cost fallacy. We do that with jobs. We do that with relationships. We do that with career pathways. We do that with, you know, moving to places and realizing actually this isn't the place that we should live, but we just, you know, we've already told everyone that we're moving and we've already spent so much money on like the removalist, like I guess I just have to see it through when really we're not happy.

• 34:56Jemma Sbeg?

  And it causes us to continue to serve an outdated dream and in the process forfeit future happiness. If you wanna see exactly how susceptible you are to this, to the sunk cost fallacy, there is a really interesting Harvard study that you can actually go and do, like they have the checklist, that gave people a number of scenarios, like make a Halloween cape, paint your bedroom, terminate a project, end a relationship, and how willing they would be to

• 35:28Jemma Sbeg?

  walk away from that project and what the factors were that would influence that. And their answers determined the susceptibility they had to the sunk cost fallacy in a more real world scenario.

• 35:42Jemma Sbeg?

  This is a really great way to kind of give yourself some data about yourself, learn more about yourself. Am I susceptible to this? And maybe knowing that you are would reveal or help you understand a lot of choices that you'd made in the past and just understand how your brain works for future decisions. The thing is, again, I'm gonna sound like a brokered record, broken record, you are meant to change your mind. So what's probably stopping you is this whole combination of fear, irrationality, of social rejection, of disappointing others. So let's kind of flip this narrative and talk about some of the benefits.

• 36:22Jemma Sbeg?

  Of being the kind of person who can readily admit, I was wrong. I don't want this. I don't believe this. I don't want to be this person anymore. First of all, I think giving ourselves permission to change our mind actually gives us less decision fatigue and a reduced fear of uncertainty.

• 36:47Jemma Sbeg?

  Tell me if I'm wrong, in our twenties, I feel like anytime we go to make a decision, there is so much to analyze, so much to think of, so many pros and cons to weigh up, that we stagnate. We just don't make a decision at all. That's decision paralysis or analysis paralysis. We have this weird way of thinking, which is that if we think about something more, somehow that's gonna mean that the outcome we want is more certain? Or we're gonna be better able to predict things not going right? That is a complete fallacy. That is a complete lie. We have no idea of telling. And overthinking and thinking about it too much is just a comfort or reassurance technique

• 37:32Jemma Sbeg?

  that actually means that we stay in the decision phase for much longer than we need to. And it means that when we eventually do make a choice, we feel such an extreme loyalty to that choice that if it isn't working, we won't walk away. Now, if we decide, because it is a decision, that it's okay to change your mind, those decisions no longer feel so final. Uncertainty about these outcomes feels less threatening because we know that if we don't like the outcome, we can always just change it. No longer are we sitting in this like panicked phase of like, this is so important because once I make a choice, I'm locked in for life. No, no, no, we can, we can make a choice and then make a different choice the week after, and the week after that, and the week after that.

• 38:17Jemma Sbeg?

  And I know that some people think that that means that, you know, we give up and we start again, and we give up and we start again, and we don't have follow through. No, this is about being able to make a decision from a really managed place. And almost.

• 38:33Jemma Sbeg?

  Almost silence all those other factors that are influencing us and make the decision that's right for us, right? If you think about it, again, not wanting to change your mind doesn't actually come from the fact that the next decision isn't going to be a better decision. If we only thought about things practically and we were only like, oh yeah, probably leaving this relationship is the right thing. Great, I'm gonna leave this relationship. Our life would be a lot easier. It's all this other stuff that gets in the way. And so deciding that it's okay to ignore those things would give us more freedom to make the right choice in the future and to make different choices when those choices aren't working out. I don't know how many time I just said choices. That's like a drinking game right there. It also means that we would be more flexible, right?

• 39:18Jemma Sbeg?

  Some of the most successful people in the world, and they've done studies on this and found they are not the smartest, they actually don't have the highest IQs, they may not have the most resources, but they are the ones who can respond and act the fastest. And what allows them to do that? They don't get too attached to what others think they should be doing. They don't get, or they aren't worried about abandoning things that aren't working. They don't put too much of their ego in their failures or their mistakes and they are very quick to move on from wrong choices. That is what we want for ourselves. That's what I want for myself at least. This also helps us tap into something called the possible selves theory.

• 40:02Jemma Sbeg?

  I love this theory and I'll explain it to you now and I'll give you a way to feel it for yourself. If I asked you to pause for a second and I said, just think about who you are, and I asked you to define yourself and how you see yourself, you would probably list your hobbies, your name, your values, your job, your relationship status, all stuff that defines you right now. Now, the possible selves theory, this was developed at Stanford during the 1980s, I think, 80s or 90s. It says that when we start considering ourself as not just who we are now, but who we want to be in the future, or our possible selves,

• 40:44Jemma Sbeg?

  what feels available to us expands dramatically. This is particularly the case when we start to actively consider what this theory calls our hoped-for selves. Our hoped-for selves is this big category of potential future versions of us that we would be really happy to become and that we would really like to bring into existence. Basically, this theory asks us to see every version of us as equally important. The past, the present, and of course, the future version of us,

• 41:22Jemma Sbeg?

  they all deserve our attention and they all are relying on us to make the right decision now. The right decision for right now doesn't mean you can't change it, but asking us to be ready to make the decisions that we need to. And this also helps us rise above our current emotions about our circumstances, our current fears of disappointing others, or of being judged, or of thinking we failed, and just think way ahead for a second. And really just think about what needs to be done for us to become everything we want to be in the future, and how much that, how sweet of a reward that is going to be. This is just like such a profound motivational, motivational force.

• 42:05Jemma Sbeg?

  And it allows us to see the choice to change our mind or to change our path, not as a sacrifice, but as a really necessary and important bridge between present and future. And it gets us to think less about the current discomfort and more about the future reward.

• 42:27Jemma Sbeg?

  You can do this for yourself right now. I don't, don't think about yourself in this moment. I don't care who you are right now. Who do you want to be? What is the most ideal version of you that you want to exist? And if you can't think of one, you probably need to think a little bit harder. Now, what are the choices and the decisions that aren't working for you right now? Or the beliefs that aren't working for you right now? That are stopping you from crossing the bridge between your current self? And your future, possible, hoped for self? I think when we see, when the stakes change for us.

• 43:05Jemma Sbeg?

  When the stakes change from, I might disappoint people to, I might disappoint myself and I might, I deny myself my future. It becomes a lot easier to change our mind. Cause we realize how serious this could be for us. Finally, changing your mind actually shows great strength psychologically. This is the whole premise behind Carol Dweck's growth mindset theory. Carol Dweck, you may not have heard her name, you have definitely heard about her theories. She is a very famous Stanford psychologist and she developed this idea of the fixed versus growth mindset principle. Which basically says, people who are willing to admit when they are wrong.

• 43:48Jemma Sbeg?

  Are actually psychologically stronger than those who cannot challenge themselves. And basically have this belief that like, ah, this is just who I am. I was just born this way. I will always be this way. That mindset shows very limited cognitive flexibility. And that is directly linked to being a less happy person. We actually have to change our mind in order to be satisfied. They have done study after study on this. There is this very famous theory called self determination theory. And it argues that for a human being to be well and to be happy and to be fulfilled. They have three basic psychological needs need to be met. Autonomy, competence and relatedness.

• 44:34Jemma Sbeg?

  Autonomy and competence, this is what we're focusing on here. We have to feel like we are able to make our own choices and then our life is self-directed. And we also have to feel like we are getting better at something, that we are expanding our abilities, that we are progressing and that we are changing. So denying yourself the ability to change your mind is basically denying yourself humanness. It's denying yourself determination and happiness. So with all that in mind, I want to give you some final reminders. Some final reminders that will make it easier for you to basically say, I was wrong.

• 45:14Jemma Sbeg?

  Firstly, if it is the fear of being judged that is stopping you, I want to remind you that no one cares and that no one is paying attention. Now, this isn't just like a personal belief I have. This is like an evidence-supported, evidence-based fact. A two thousand study done at Cornell, I think, I think it was done in like in association with Cornell, basically found that people tend to greatly overestimate how much attention others are actually paying to them and their decisions. You might know this as the spotlight effect. So in this study, Cornell University students were asked to wear embarrassing T-shirts around campus.

• 45:59Jemma Sbeg?

  And they significantly overestimated how many people were going to notice their shirts. What the researchers found was that when they asked the people who were milling around these students on campus, on the green, on the lawn, in the library, very few of them actually noticed those T-shirts. Very few of them even remembered walking past half of these students. This overestimation, it stems from us being so focused on our own thoughts and our experiences that we incorrectly project them and project that intense self-awareness onto others and assume that they are also equally aware of us. No one is paying attention to you.

• 46:43Jemma Sbeg?

  No one, some people may, but no one is going to be burdened by your decision to change your mind or to not change your mind more than you are. And for the small majority of people who are somehow really focused in on what you're doing and who are really focused in on your decision to change your opinion or, you know, go back on something you once wanted. You know, for some people, I always say this, for some people, the most interesting thing they can do is criticize others. It's the most interesting thing they're ever gonna do in their life. And it's a pretty sad way of living. What it really is, is ego defense or ego protection.

• 47:27Jemma Sbeg?

  It's a shield. If all of their attention is consumed by thoughts about how others are failing or disappointing others or are somehow lying, they never have to turn that focus inwards or around towards themselves. These people, and they are the minority, I will say that, they have a lot of time on their hands. And that could never be me, and that could never be you, because we've got stuff we wanna do. Like, I've got stuff I wanna achieve, I've got places I wanna see, I've got love I wanna share. Like, I don't have time to sit and think about whether, you know, Simon is actually like, what's he doing in his degree?

• 48:09Jemma Sbeg?

  Oh, I heard he's like, I heard he's not doing his degree anymore. And I heard like, wow, what's that choice about? Like, I don't have time to do that. That's your own life. Do what's best for you. I also wanna remind you, it's never too late to start over. Like, literally, ever. My grandma didn't get her degree until she was like in her 50s. And she had a great stint and a great career. My mom, you know, she didn't graduate from university until much later on in her 20s. And even that, I think, is pretty young. I know we've all seen that post that's like, oh, you know, Vera Wang didn't design her first wedding dress until 50, or Oprah didn't get her first TV show until 37.

• 48:51Jemma Sbeg?

  It's important to have those stories. Do not fall into the trap that you can't change your mind because you don't have enough time to rebuild the life around the next decision you make.

• 49:04Jemma Sbeg?

  There are no rules. You have so much more time than you think. Life is very, very long. And I think you would rather die trying to rebuild or build a better life for yourself based on something that actually feels authentic than die having spent more time in a belief system or an opinion or a life that you actually didn't like, believe in, enjoy, just for the sake of others. No one else has to live your life for you. No one else is gonna face the consequences of not being true to yourself or your future possible selves and the pain of not doing what they need you to do more than you are. People can judge you all they like. You can disappoint your parents. You can disappoint people around you.

• 49:49Jemma Sbeg?

  Maybe you can be seen as unreliable. That pain is never gonna be as intense as the pain of looking back and realizing, God, in my one precious life, I didn't do the things I actually wanted because of what? People who are gonna be gone anyways? Don't let that be you. There is a lot of life to live. There are a lot of mistakes that you will make and choices that you will go back on. One of the most freeing things I think that I've realized recently is like, at some point, the life I currently have isn't gonna fit me anymore. And that can be terrifying to realize because I really love my life right now, but I'm also

• 50:28Jemma Sbeg?

  really excited to see what's gonna evolve from here and what's gonna need to change and how that discomfort is actually pushing me in a really fruitful, amazing direction. So I hope this episode has served as a reminder for you. If you have made it this far, I would ask that you leave a little comment down below of something you changed your mind about, whether it is that you hate eggplant and now you love it, which I don't understand eggplant is disgusting, but whether it's like you changed your mind about a food or about a person or about a belief or about what you thought was gonna make you happy, let's share them down below because I think seeing other people not be afraid to admit.

• 51:13Jemma Sbeg?

  When they were not even wrong, but that something wasn't right for them any longer is really empowering. So, thank you for listening. I hope this has emboldened you, excited you, um, inspired you. Make sure as well that you are following on us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast. If you wanna see a summary of this episode, if you wanna see what's going on behind the scenes, if you wanna give us an episode suggestion, and that you are following along wherever you are listening right now, whether that is Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeart Radio app, Tidal, I don't know, wherever you are, YouTube, um, make sure you're following and give us a five star review, only if you feel called to do so. It does really help the

• 51:55Jemma Sbeg?

  show grow and reach new people. But as always, thank you again for listening. That's the third time I've said that. Obviously, I'm feeling a lot of gratitude in my heart for you guys right now. But until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. Remember, it is okay to change your mind. And we will talk very, very soon.

• 52:19Jemma Sbeg?

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• 53:01Jemma Sbeg?

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• 54:45Jemma Sbeg?

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• 58:07Jemma Sbeg?

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• 58:52Jemma Sbeg?

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  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.