Aztecs

Dead Funny History: The Aztecs. Join historian Greg Jenner for a funny and fascinating family adventure into the world of the Aztecs, an extraordinary civilisation of gods, gold, chocolate and… the odd human sacrifice. The rise of an empire The Aztec Empire thrived in Central Mexico between the 14th and 16th centuries. Greg takes families and children back to Tenochtitlan, the stunning island city that became the Aztec capital. Home to grand pyramids, bustling markets and thousands of temples, it was four times bigger than Tudor London! The Aztecs built their empire through skill, trade and an unshakeable belief in their gods. They worshipped deities of war, water, joy, dreams and even mischief; with a few dramatic rituals to keep them happy. Sacrifice, skulls and sunshine In this laugh-out-loud lesson, Greg explains why the Aztecs offered human hearts to the gods to keep the sun shining, and how their earth goddess, Tlaltecuhtli, demanded regular blood donations. From “flower wars” to giant skull racks, Aztec religion could be extreme, but it was also deeply symbolic and full of meaning. Not all the stories are scary, though. Between the jokes and sound effects, Greg reveals a lively culture where chocolate was money, gold was “sun poop”, and weddings were celebrated with piggybacks and cocoa toasts! Life in Tenochtitlan Greg and the Dead Funny History cast bring the city to life with humour and heart - from the markets full of maize, avocados and chillies, to the matchmakers who literally “tied the knot.” There’s even a cameo from the world’s first emojis - Aztec picture writing! It’s history told with big laughs, smart facts and plenty of family fun, as Greg balances gory moments with the joyful, inventive side of Aztec life. The fall of the Aztecs Of course, not every empire ends happily. Greg tells how Spanish conquistador Hernando Cortés arrived in 1519, bringing war, betrayal and devastating diseases that wiped out much of the Aztec world. It’s a sobering but powerful story about bravery, belief and survival. Funny, factual and unforgettable With jokes, sketches and sound design that make history come alive, Dead Funny History – The Aztecs is perfect for curious kids, families and fans of Greg Jenner’s clever storytelling. Discover how one of the world’s greatest civilisations shaped modern Mexico, and how chocolate really did change the world! Writers: Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch and Dr Emma Nagouse Host: Greg Jenner Performers: Mali Ann Rees and John-Luke Roberts Producer: Dr Emma Nagouse Associate Producer: Gabby Hutchinson Crouch Audio producer: Emma Weatherill Script consultant: Professor Caroline Dodds Pennock Production Coordinator: Liz Tuohy Production Manager: Jo Kyle Studio Managers: Keith Graham and Andrew Garratt Sound designer: Peregrine Andrews A BBC Studios Production

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:06Speaker 01

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• 0:34Speaker 02

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• 1:09Greg Jenner?

  Hello and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner. I'm a historian and I want to tell you about something cool. Well, up to a point. The Aztec Empire. What's the Aztec Empire? Oh, it was an incredible civilization which thrived in central Mexico between the 14th and early 16th centuries. And was full of things like gold.

• 1:33Greg Jenner?

  But also human sacrifice.

• 1:36Greg Jenner?

  But also chocolate. But also a teeny bit of cannibalism. Our story begins in 1325 with the founding of what would become the capital city of the Aztec Empire. It was called...

• 1:49Speaker 04

  Tenochtitlan.

• 1:51Greg Jenner?

  In 1428, Tenochtitlan joined forces with two other city-states.

• 1:56Speaker 04

  Tezcoco and Clacopan.

• 2:00Greg Jenner?

  And formed something called the Triple Alliance. This helped them fight off the powerful Teponex of Azcapotzalco. Tenochtitlan became the big dog, though, and by 1503, its population may have been as much as 200,000 people. That is four times bigger than London was in the reign of Henry VIII.

• 2:20Speaker 04

  Hey, Nonny.

• 2:20Greg Jenner?

  No. Ain't only yes. It meant that Aztec influence stretched throughout central Mexico, and a big part of the culture was religion. There was a massive pyramid in the capital of Tenochtitlan that was over three hundred feet tall, with two grand staircases going to the top. Imagine being the priests who had to commute to the shrines up there. I chose a bad week to skip leg day.

• 2:48Greg Jenner?

  This pyramid was the main temple for the people of Tenochtitlan, with shrines to both the god of war and the god of water, two things that were really important in Aztec life. But Aztecs had loads of gods: the god of weapons, the god of feasts and joy, the god of medicine and healing, the god of dreams, the god of starting wars for his own amusement. Oh, what am I like? I just get bored, I do. Aztecs believed that since the gods gave so much to them, it was important to give back. And how did the Aztecs give back? Was it with a bake sale?

• 3:22Speaker 05

  Help the gods, darling. All donations welcome.

• 3:28Greg Jenner?

  Not quite. They chose human sacrifice. Yeah, their victim was escorted to the top of the pyramid, where four priests would hold them down, while a fifth priest cut out their heart with a knife made from volcanic obsidian glass.

• 3:45Speaker 05

  Or a small monthly donation's fine.

• 3:49Greg Jenner?

  Aztecs believed that they had a collective debt to the gods who had created the world, and these gods needed to be sustained through human blood. One of their myths talked about Talal Tecutli, the great earth crocodile, who was apparently ripped in two to create the land. Ouch. The poor thing needed to be fed fresh blood to keep her alive, and to make up for that whole being ripped in half thing as well. Welcome back to the deity cafe, Great Earth Crocodile, home of the all-you-can-eat human buffet. May I recommend the heart of human sacrifice for starters, paired with a litre of human sacrifice blood?

• 4:30Speaker 04

  Yummy! How fresh is it?

• 4:36Greg Jenner?

  Very fresh, very cheeky, aren't you?

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Uh, uh, mate, will you, will you please stop cutting my heart out?

• 4:41Greg Jenner?

  Oh, stop whining. You know, it's a huge honour to be a sacrifice.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 4:46Greg Jenner?

  Some sources say that people were happy to be offered up as a sacrifice.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, go on then. Anything for the crocodile god.

• 4:57Greg Jenner?

  And other sources say they weren't, but some of those accounts are from Europeans like Hernando Cortez. Hola! Who we will meet later and may not have been the most trustworthy of sources. Oh, why would you say a thing like that? I said we'll find out later. Go and wait in the corner, Hernando Cortez. Oh, fine.

• 5:18Greg Jenner?

  One really famous part of Techno Schittland was the Weizsau Pantley, a giant rack of human skulls. I mean, skull racks are one of the trickier racks to find at Dunelm these days.

• 5:30Speaker 04

  Okay, we've got spice racks, coat racks, shoe racks, but nothing for my thousands of skulls. Oh, baby!

• 5:41Greg Jenner?

  And we haven't even got to the cannibalism. Cannibalism? Okay, yes, some cannibalism, but archaeologists don't think there's enough evidence to say it was very widespread. An enemy would be captured in war. You are my prisoner.

• 5:57Speaker 04

  Oh, no!

• 5:59Greg Jenner?

  And would then come to live near his captors for a while. After a bit of time, as part of a ritual, the captive would then say. You are as my son. And the captive would say.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  Oh, you are my father.

• 6:13Greg Jenner?

  Aww. I know, really sweet. Until the captive was killed on sacrifice day. Yeah, sorry. And then the captive would bring the body back and send the best bit off to the ruler. Thigh meat was apparently the best. Leg o' breast, boy!

• 6:31Speaker 04

  Leg, please.

• 6:32Greg Jenner?

  And the rest of the body would be cooked, usually in a stew, for the captors, friends and family to enjoy. The captor himself would skip the stew and observe the feast all dressed in white. We think this was a sign of respect, but maybe he just didn't want to get casserole on his nice white clothes.

• 6:50Speaker 04

  I've got prisoner of war stew all down my front.

• 6:54Greg Jenner?

  Speaking of prisoners of war, you may think that Aztecs would be fearsome on the battlefield, and in lots of ways, they were. But war wasn't really about killing their enemies.

• 7:04Speaker 04

  Boo.

• 7:05Greg Jenner?

  It was about wounding them so they couldn't run away. So they could then be captured and sacrificed to the gods. Aztec warriors fought with a huge, three to four foot long club, covered in sharp obsidian glass, and these were really good for hacking at people's legs.

• 7:24Speaker 04

  Say hello to my little friend called Witzillapotchli, god of war and sun, and their love language is being gifted human hearts.

• 7:37Greg Jenner?

  The fact that Aztecs didn't usually fight to kill became important later, when... Hola, is it time to say how I ruined everything yet? Still no, Hernando Cortez, back to your corner. Aw. Sorry about him. Sometimes there could be a big problem with the whole sacrificing prisoners of war to the gods thing.

• 7:58Speaker 06

  Slate problem with your order, your crock of illness. We haven't had a war lately, so we ran out of prisoners of war.

• 8:09Greg Jenner?

  And this is when Aztecs may have had flower wars. Sounds nice, right?

• 8:13Speaker 06

  Hey, man, peace and love. Let's please the gods with the power of flowers.

• 8:20Greg Jenner?

  Not quite. Flower wars were possibly scheduled battles just for the purpose of capturing future human sacrifices.

• 8:29Speaker 06

  Hey, man, totally gonna have to drag you back to my pyramid of peace and cut out your heart to keep the sun shining on all the groovy dudes. You're welcome.

• 8:38Greg Jenner?

  If Aztecs excelled at battle, it wasn't just pleasing the gods they could look forward to. Top warriors were also rewarded with drinking chocolate.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  Nice. For a second there, I was worried my reward would be something cheap but nasty like gold.

• 8:51Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, Aztecs didn't think gold was that fancy. They also didn't have money in the way that we know it, but instead had a barter system of swapping valuable things, like cotton capes and cacao beans. So chocolate was a bit like money. In the Aztec language called Noatl, the word for gold, teoqueitlatl, meant excrement of the sun. Yes, sun poo. And who pays for things with poo anyway? That's a quick way to get thrown out of Tesco.

• 9:23Speaker 04

  Please tap or insert your card.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  Unexpected poo poo in the banter area. Security!

• 9:32Greg Jenner?

  Speaking of supermarkets, what did Aztecs get in their big weekly shop? Well, their main food was maize, especially in tasty tortillas. They also ate beans and avocados. Lots of stuff you'd still find in Mexican food today, actually.

• 9:47Speaker 06

  Oh, sounds delicious, but not as delicious as a pizza pizza.

• 9:53Greg Jenner?

  Actually, Mr. Italian, Aztecs had tomatoes way before anyone in Europe.

• 9:58Speaker 06

  Mama mia!

• 10:00Greg Jenner?

  They also ate chilies, long before they popped up in curries, and they had turkey before it became a fixture of Christmas dinners. Aztecs also ate squash, potatoes, and fish. Delicious. And the odd bit of lizard and some pond scum. Less delicious.

• 10:19Speaker 06

  No, you are not getting any pudding until you've eaten all your green algae.

• 10:24Greg Jenner?

  Speaking of feasts, Aztecs loved a good wedding, and to get married, they would need a matchmaker. Hi! These people were usually older women, and they would arrange marriages, often with some surprising extras, including giving the bride a piggyback to the wedding venue. Oh, we should bring that back. Forget getting picked up by a limo. Newlyweds should get picked up by a granny.

• 10:48Speaker 06

  Well, that wraps up this wonderful wedding. It's time to say goodnight to the bride and groom.

• 10:56Speaker 04

  Up on that, you love birds.

• 11:03Speaker 06

  Oh, who ties guns to me?

• 11:06Greg Jenner?

  And at an Aztec wedding ceremony, the groom's cape and the bride's skirt were tied together to symbolise their commitment to one another, literally tying the knot. Awww. And then everyone would drink chocolate. Yay! Except the elderly people who had alcohol. The couple would then spend four days getting to know each other before emerging as a married couple. They'd have trouble writing their thank you cards though, because Aztec writing used pictures, not letters. The Aztecs were basically using emojis way before they were cool.

• 11:39Speaker 06

  So, how did the war go? Ah, thumbs down emoji. What's gonna happen to you? Knife and fork emoji? What does that mean?

• 11:49Greg Jenner?

  The Aztec civilisation came to a devastating end because...

• 11:54Speaker 06

  Is it my turn now?

• 11:55Greg Jenner?

  Yes, Hernando Cortez, it's your turn now. In 1519, Spanish colonisers led by Cortez turned up, and it all went horribly wrong for the Aztecs. At first, the Emperor Motecozoma welcomed Cortez into Tenochtitlan.

• 12:11Speaker 06

  Welcome! And I took that personally.

• 12:14Greg Jenner?

  But Cortez, along with thousands of indigenous allies like the Tashkals, besieged Tenochtitlan for four months, which is pretty rude if you've just been invited into a city. After about a year, Motecozoma died, the city surrendered, and the new Emperor Cuatamoc was executed.

• 12:34Greg Jenner?

  And it doesn't get any better.

• 12:36Speaker 06

  Oh, come on!

• 12:37Greg Jenner?

  The Spanish conquistadors brought smaller invaders with them that were just as deadly: germs.

• 12:46Greg Jenner?

  Yes, while the Spanish got gold, chocolate, tomatoes, maize and potatoes, the Aztecs got smallpox, flu, measles and mumps in return.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  Good deal.

• 12:59Greg Jenner?

  No. Wave after wave of disease devastated the indigenous population, until about ninety per cent of the population of Mexico, many millions of people, had been wiped out within a hundred years.

• 13:13Speaker 04

  See? This is why we prefer to trade in chocolate, not foreign diseases.

• 13:19Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, pretty depressing. Sorry, they can't all have happy endings. Okay, so how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils at the ready. Question one: What was the name of the capital city of the Aztec Empire?

• 13:37Speaker 06

  Tenochtitlan.

• 13:39Greg Jenner?

  Question two: What yummy thing, which we still enjoy today, was used as Aztec currency, as well as a tasty snack for top warriors?

• 13:49Speaker 04

  Chocolate or cacao beans.

• 13:53Greg Jenner?

  And question three: What was the purpose of an Aztec flower war?

• 14:00Speaker 06

  Capture enemies for human sacrifice.

• 14:04Greg Jenner?

  Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown up and want to learn more about the Aztecs, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me with Professor Caroline Dodds-Pennock. Thanks for listening, bye. This was BBC Studios' audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson-Crouch and Dr Emma Nagouse. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malian Rees and John Luke Roberts. The script consultant was Professor Caroline Dodds-Pennock.

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