892 Felicia Day on Unleashing Creativity and Loving Yourself Unconditionally

CREATIVITY IS HARD WORK. Have you wanted to complete a project but stopped? You might have expected it to be perfect. Or maybe you thought you weren’t qualified enough to make it. You might have finished it but didn’t take the time to shape it into its final form. Completing something we’re passionate about is good for our wellbeing. But it’s not easy. Lin Manuel Miranda took six years to write Hamilton. Put in the time to make your own masterpiece. You never know how what you’ve made will inspire others and change the world. On today’s episode of The School of Greatness, I talk about creativity with a successful actress, writer, and new mother: Felicia Day. Felicia Day is a professional actress who has appeared in numerous television shows and films. She is currently recurring on the CW show "Supernatural,” and the SyFy series "The Magicians.” However, Felicia is best known for her work in the web video world. Felicia shares the importance of creativity in our daily life and how to push through self-doubt and judgment. So get ready to learn how to incorporate creativity in your world on Episode 892. Some Questions I Ask: How do you become a mom and be in Hollywood? (10:00) What’s your greatest fear? (17:45) What’s been the lowest point for you? (21:00) What did you learn from your daughter about creativity? (25:30) How do you overcome the need to be perfect as a creative? (35:00) How do you deal with being less relevant? (45:00) In This Episode You Will Learn: Some fun facts about Felicia (07:00) The identity shift Felicia had after having a baby (10:00) How to focus on what’s important (17:30) How to love ourselves unconditionally (21:00) An exercise for shutting out your enemies (38:00) If you enjoyed this episode check out the video, show notes, and more at http://www.applepodcasts.com/greatness and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 892 with actress and New York Times bestselling author Felicia Day.

• 0:09Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:34Lewis Howes?

  Couple of quotes I want to share with you in this episode. This is from Gary Zukav. "Scarcity of self-value cannot be remedied by money, recognition, affection, attention, or influence." That's a game changer. "Scarcity of self-value cannot be remedied by money, recognition, affection, attention, or influence." Think about that for a second. Don't allow your self-value to be attached to any of those things. That is going to hold you down in a big way. And this was from Alan Cohen. "To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven."

• 1:14Lewis Howes?

  Don't wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now. Oh, big time. We're waiting so much. We're waiting for the recognition, the affection, the attention, the influence, to bring us self-value. And if we're waiting, we die. Wow. Both of these quotes, for me, went together perfectly today. And if this is your first time here on the School of Greatness, welcome. This is all about helping you take your life to the next level, optimizing every area of your life. And we've always got something for everybody in every episode and interview. And today's guest is an inspiration. Her name's Felicia Day. She's a New York Times bestselling author,

• 2:00Lewis Howes?

  producer, actress, TV writer, and award-winning web series creator, who has appeared in numerous TV shows and films. She's currently on the CW show Supernatural and the sci-fi series The Magicians. She created and starred in the web series The Guild, which ran for six seasons, and created a funded YouTube channel and production company called Geek and Sundry. Her new book, Embrace Your Weird, is available now. And I'm telling you, I'm digging it. I'm really enjoying it. And I think you're gonna like it. And in this interview, we talk about the challenges of being a mom in Hollywood. Felicia's biggest fear as a creator and how she has found ways to move past it. What it means to love yourself unconditionally regardless

• 2:42Lewis Howes?

  of your career and what stage of your career you're at, and if you succeeded and failed and all this different stuff. Why Felicia believes creativity is self-care. How to overcome perfectionism when you're constantly creating content and art. This and so much more. Really enjoyed this. Make sure to share it with a friend, lewishouse.com/892. And you can be an inspiration in someone's life by giving them this value, by making them a part of this class on the School of Greatness. So send them this episode and make sure to connect with me on social media, @lewishouse, and connect with Felicia as well by just tagging her on Instagram or Twitter. I'm sure she'd love to know that you are watching or listening.

• 3:32Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back. I'm on the School of Greatness Podcast. Excited. We've got Felicia Deng. Good to see you.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Hey, what's up?

• 3:38Lewis Howes?

  Good to see you. I was reading some fun facts about you.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 3:42Lewis Howes?

  I didn't know these things about you. I've known about you for years.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 3:46Lewis Howes?

  But I didn't know these facts until we started.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Okay, what do you got?

• 3:48Lewis Howes?

  Hopefully, this is the correct facts.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  I mean, if it's Wikipedia, it's semi-accurate.

• 3:53Lewis Howes?

  That's hopefully, right?

• 3:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:55Lewis Howes?

  So, you got accepted to Juilliard as a violinist?

• 3:59Speaker 01

  The pre-program. So when I was 14, I got accepted to the feeder program that goes into Juilliard. So, yeah.

• 4:06Lewis Howes?

  Do you still play violin?

• 4:07Speaker 01

  You know, not very much. I got it out the other day. I have an almost three-year-old, and I wanted to start playing for her to kind of inspire her to learn music. And she's like, "Mama, too loud." So, I... But you know, it is one of my resolutions for 2020 to at least play consistently a little bit more, because I think it actually makes me happier, because I'm very good at that. And when you're in Hollywood, you don't really feel good about anything.

• 4:29Lewis Howes?

  Because you're always, what, chasing the next gig?

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, you know what, just have a little bit of, yeah, you're good at this in your life. And so I think I could do that with violin. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna double down at least a little bit every day.

• 4:40Lewis Howes?

  Could you pick it back up after, I guess, years of not playing?

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, that's the funny thing is, if I played for like two, three weeks, if I practiced a couple hours for two, three weeks, I could probably be pretty competent. I wouldn't be at the level that I was, because I was very, very, you know, I was a professional level. Yeah, I was. But, um, yeah, I could definitely pick it up. You don't forget it. I think it's the neural connections really stay there.

• 5:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, my, my brother's the number one jazz violinist in the world currently.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  What? What's his name?

• 5:06Lewis Howes?

  His name's Christian House.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  I've, I've heard of that. What?

• 5:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so he, he was like a top classical violinist, like top in the country under seventeen or eighteen. Got all the big scholarships as well to the big music schools. You decided to go to a, a different school, a university in Texas, right?

• 5:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I, my parents could not afford to move to L, uh, New York City, just so I could go on the week, it was a weekend program. So they couldn't afford to just move to New York, because, I mean, we were a military family and we lived in the South. So it was like, this, that was not gonna happen.

• 5:38Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  But I did get a full scholarship to college at fifteen, so.

• 5:41Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  I just went.

• 5:42Lewis Howes?

  For music?

• 5:43Speaker 01

  For violin, yeah.

• 5:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so he got, he went to Ohio State, did the whole music thing there.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 5:49Lewis Howes?

  But then he actually went to prison for four years.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  What'd he do?

• 5:52Lewis Howes?

  He sold drugs from undercover cop.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Oh, that's too bad.

• 5:55Lewis Howes?

  At eighteen years old.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Was it hard drugs?

• 5:57Lewis Howes?

  LSD.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 5:59Lewis Howes?

  And, uh, but at the time, it was like the war, it was like the war on drugs in the nineties.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's awful. That's awful.

• 6:05Lewis Howes?

  So they, he sentenced six to twenty-five years for his first offense, because the judge wanted to make an example of

• 6:11Speaker 01

  That's awful.

• 6:11Lewis Howes?

  anyone in Ohio doing that at that time.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's just not, so many people lost drugs for their life. That's not right.

• 6:17Lewis Howes?

  Still now. So anyways, he, after, he learned jazz violin in prison, because he joined the all-prison band. And they were doing hip-hop and blues and R&B and rap and rock. So he was a classically trained guy that learned in prison from these other inmates. And now he's the top in the world in that jazz niche.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  No, I don't.

• 6:36Lewis Howes?

  It's a small community.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  I need to look into him more because...

• 6:39Lewis Howes?

  He's a machine. It's unbelievable.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Wow. That's incredible. No, I want to hear more about him. That's incredible. That's an incredible story.

• 6:46Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy story. I'm actually working on a book.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, does he tour?

• 6:50Lewis Howes?

  He tours, he produces, he does it all.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  I'm gonna look him up immediately after this because my Spotify, you know, they had that Spotify 2019.

• 6:56Lewis Howes?

  You're just launching it today.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, what was yours? What was your song?

• 6:58Lewis Howes?

  The song I listen to the most is by Bozzy.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  It's called "Mine." Have you heard this song?

• 7:03Speaker 01

  No.

• 7:04Lewis Howes?

  Hands on your body, I don't want to waste your time.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  I listen to scary Spooky Spiders.

• 7:10Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  It's my Spotify is almost solely for children now and she listens to 90% Halloween songs.

• 7:18Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  So especially spider specific. No, she does not like Baby Shark, thank God, but she likes spider specific Halloween songs. So Spooky Spider, it's actually a pretty catchy tune, you know?

• 7:29Lewis Howes?

  They all are, aren't they?

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Oh, no, it's not.

• 7:31Lewis Howes?

  If you can get a kid hooked, then the adult is usually hooked too.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  I mean, it's an earworm. If I have insomnia, that's what's going around my brain. It's not good.

• 7:39Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  No, so, yeah, that's...

• 7:41Lewis Howes?

  Did you see this today on Spotify?

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Yes, I saw it today on Spotify. I even shared it on Twitter and I was like, whoops, this is my life now.

• 7:46Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy, right?

• 7:47Speaker 01

  Spooky Spider, Beauty and the Beast. Oh, boy.

• 7:50Lewis Howes?

  Mom life. Now...

• 7:52Speaker 01

  It's all good.

• 7:52Lewis Howes?

  How do you become a mom and be in Hollywood? I feel like it's already a lot of pressure to be in Hollywood. Whether you're acting, writing, producing, creating. You've been acting for a long time, producing, writing, all the things. But how do you decide, I'm gonna have a child and still be creative when I'm exhausted, drained? The attention's not about me anymore as much. It's about raising a human being. And how do you continue to evolve as a mom?

• 8:20Speaker 01

  I mean, you evolve as a person. You just have to let go of what you were in the past a little bit, which is a struggle. I mean, I was certainly a workaholic. Everything I've achieved in life has been like outside the system through my hard work, really, versus like somebody kind of picking me and featuring me in, you know, whatever it is in Hollywood. So being that workaholic is not possible anymore and it is a struggle because I always feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm not progressing and then I look for opportunities. But I think as a woman and a mother, they are fewer and far between in Hollywood. The kind of perception of you changes in a radical way.

• 8:54Lewis Howes?

  In what way? What are they thinking about?

• 8:56Speaker 01

  I mean, I think that men, you know, certainly... See women through the lens of their own sexuality inadvertently unconsciously or consciously. And so when you are have reproduced, there is a certain I've read a lot of interviews for it's like Reese Witherspoon and Jessica Alba as well, where they feel that there's a shift in perception of them within the industry.

• 9:14Lewis Howes?

  Like less desirable?

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Desirable, yeah, less futureable, less willing to invest in because there's something either that is not as attractive to them in them to men. I think it's and I think a lot of is unconscious that a lot of it might be conscious too. And I see the struggle a lot and I feel it for me. I've never was that glamorous person, but I do see that the perception in the women in the eyes of men and women is different now.

• 9:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I feel like I see you're coming from there, but I also feel like moms rule the world in terms of a mom creator that has like kids, you can relate to all these moms in the world who are buyers, consumers, watchers, viewers.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you want to only talk to that, basically you get shunted to a small, specific like I can only talk to other moms. Right. And then if you're not, I always found I was not interested in other moms before. I never really held a baby before I held mine.

• 10:08Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  And so I don't want to just be, okay, I have to cater to moms now because that's my business opportunity to grow. I'm like, that's not who I am. I'm a lot of different things. I am a mom and I am passionate about raising her right, but I don't want that to define me as an artist. Right. So, you know, I think is anything in life as you grow and you age, you have to find your new self. And it's always it's a bigger, it's one of the bigger transitions in life, I think. So I'm still navigating it myself.

• 10:34Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 10:34Speaker 01

  But, you know, you just put one's foot in front of the other and just keep going.

• 10:38Lewis Howes?

  So your daughter's three?

• 10:40Speaker 01

  She will be three in two months.

• 10:41Lewis Howes?

  So it's almost three. Do you feel like you've let go of your old identity and you've transitioned into a new identity yet? Or do you feel like you're still in that transition?

• 10:49Speaker 01

  No, I'm a fully identity sort of shift still and, you know, I've been working through it. I had a really hard time hormonally weaning my baby. I breastfed her for two years. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but hey, I'll tell anybody.

• 11:01Lewis Howes?

  School of greatness.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was really, really tough for my body was not does not respond well to hormonal shifts. So it's been a real struggle to get my sleep back, get my balance back, get any consistency in my life back. And I feel good now. Since my book came out in October, I feel like I've kind of like done it. My book was actually when I wrote it was sort of like putting myself back together after I had a baby.

• 11:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you feel like this was hard to write during that?

• 11:28Speaker 01

  It was very hard to write because I was going through depression and anxiety and all these things because they were hormonal changes and weaning her and then also just finding myself. But all the techniques in here were things that I was using to try to be like, okay, who are you? And because all these things in your life that you have to cut out now, what is left? What do you want to be there and how do we like focus that? Because there's just not time to be everything anymore. If you want to be a mother, and I believe if you want to be a good parent to your child, you have to make room for them, right?

• 11:53Lewis Howes?

  Were you doing too much before? You were trying to do so many things, is that what you're saying?

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I had a full-time business, I was a full-time actor, I was also a writer, a producer, a personality, I was doing internet stuff, you know, constant social media, like all of that on top of each other was not even tenable when I was doing it, you know? But when the baby came, I was like, whoa! This is like, I sense, the analogy is like you order a couch off of Amazon or whatever and it's like three times as big as you thought it was, so you're like, how do I put this in my room?

• 12:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  And make the rest of the room work ever? And so, it still feels crowded, but you just have to cut things out. You have to get rid of that coffee table, you gotta get rid of that career, and then like what is left? Well, you gotta put what's important to you in your life.

• 12:39Lewis Howes?

  What did you cut out then?

• 12:40Speaker 01

  You know, I started cutting out, I had a book club that I did online, it was like a romance book club, I cut that out.

• 12:47Lewis Howes?

  But you were writing it?

• 12:48Speaker 01

  No, no, I was just, it was an online group that I had. That was the first thing I stopped. Then I quit my company, which was really tough because I was my baby.

• 12:55Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean you quit? You like just said, I'm dissolving the company, you sold it?

• 12:58Speaker 01

  No, I sold the company in 2014 and I worked there for over two years. And then I was like, I can't do this and this. And it was very, it turned into a very stressful situation for me, it was like, I was more of an administrator than a creator, so I had, you know, it was kind of time for me to leave anyway. But I knew definitely, I can't do the career that I want, which is the creative part, and run the business and have a baby. So I had to let something go and it was very hard. Yeah, it was really hard. So yeah, cutting things out like that. I'm way less prolific on social media. I don't really do as many web videos on my own especially. So yeah, it's hard. It's very hard. But I think it's a good thing because a lot of us, you know, we dissipate our energies and give it, you know, give it into a lot of places that aren't really important to us.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  We just do it because it's there or there's opportunity or whatever, but.

• 13:45Lewis Howes?

  We want to stay relevant or?

• 13:46Speaker 01

  We want to stay relevant, yeah, like, but at the end of the day, our time is precious. And like, don't spend it on stuff that is not long-term important to you. So actually, it's a good thing. But it's really hard to go through.

• 13:55Lewis Howes?

  It's hard to let go. It's like you're killing your past self.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, a little bit.

• 14:00Lewis Howes?

  Every day, you're letting something die. That was once exciting.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  You're distilling it. I like to think about it as like.

• 14:05Lewis Howes?

  Putting on pause.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  You are putting your broth, your broth was really full and now you're just like, okay, we got to simmer it down to like something we can put in a smaller container, right? So like, I like to think of it like that, although some days it does feel like dying.

• 14:19Lewis Howes?

  It does, right? It feels like death. I mean, what's your biggest fear over the last few years? As a creative, as an artist, as an actor?

• 14:27Speaker 01

  That there's not opportunity to grow and innovate, I think, you know? I mean, I'm the kind of person who I'm fueled by innovation. I'm fueled by being on the cutting edge. And I think right now, we're in a lull of it, like podcasting to me is kind of where the industry has. But it was only, it was cutting edge three years ago, four years ago, five years ago.

• 14:45Lewis Howes?

  It's saturated.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Now it's very saturated.

• 14:46Lewis Howes?

  700,000 podcasts.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I really admire people like you who've been in it. You're dedicated. This is your thing, like this. And but now it's almost like people dilettantes jumping in, just like web video. Just kind of having their say and being like, ew, it's hard. Let me get out of here. Like, that's not, that doesn't serve your audience. And it doesn't serve you as a creator, right? So, you know, I'm kind of always searching for like, what is it that's new and exciting and out of the box? And introducing something different to people. And so, you know, I haven't found that thing yet. But I have a lot of creative things I'm working on while I look for that.

• 15:19Lewis Howes?

  Is it challenging to?

• 15:23Lewis Howes?

  Have a bunch of projects going and being like a leader on a show and being on a show for a while and creating these different things and then not have something for a while?

• 15:31Speaker 01

  For sure.

• 15:32Lewis Howes?

  How do you handle that, deal with that emotionally, internally? And what's your creative outlet during that downtime?

• 15:39Speaker 01

  I mean, I mean, it's really tough. I think any artist, especially in Hollywood, like, you do a project and it ends and then you kind of, you create a family and you create something with them and then it's over. And so I kind of signed up for a lifetime of letdowns in a sense because the highs are so wonderful. You're like, okay, I'm willing to do it. And then you hit the ground and you gotta look for your next gig. It's very not stable. It's not predictable. It's certainly not like, doesn't feel settled in any way. But it's what I would do over any, you know, regular day job because I can't, you know, that makes me feel very confined, you know, and some people love that stability. I kind of envy that.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  That's just not for me. But yeah, you know, when the bottom drops out from under you, you're just like, well, what do I do now? And so I guess-

• 16:28Lewis Howes?

  And you've got a lot of like, you've got a lot of famous friends that you've worked with or are probably doing big things and the cover of magazines. How does that make you feel? Do you judge yourself or compare yourself to other people that are friends? That you were maybe bigger than at one point? How do you manage that comparison game?

• 16:44Speaker 01

  I mean, I talked about this in my book a lot, like the whole jealousy section is one of my favorites because I, I... You have to know somebody's journey and the fact that I do know a lot of famous people, I know that they have a lot of downs. I know that no matter the bounty-

• 16:59Lewis Howes?

  They had 10 years of nothing, maybe, or whatever.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Or they're on top of the world and they're not happy, you know, like there's no, I think the one thing that I can take away from life, if I had like a hundred million dollars tomorrow, I don't know if I'd live that much differently. And so we have to be happy with that and then think about like, well, what would I do if I had all that? Well, there's small changes in my life that I can do. It's one of the exercises in my book. It's like, if you win the Lotto tomorrow, what would be different? And then, how can you take one of those things in your life? Because I think it's not as radical as you think. Because I think, you know, you see people consume everything in this town. And yet, I don't think all that consumption makes anyone happy. Having the prettiest clothes, having the, like, you know, all the nails in the hair, and the shoes, and the vacations, and the house. They have just as many, the people like that have more problems, I think,

• 17:44Speaker 01

  because their values are not in the right place. And so, I hope that each person, no matter what, their status, or financial level, or fame level, they have that sort of thing where they're like, well, what is really important to me? Let's put our time into that. Because ultimately, that's what we're all gonna regret on a desped, right?

• 18:00Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. And I know a guy who won about 400 million in a Lotto. A young guy that I've been helping out and kind of guiding the last few years since he won. And it didn't really change his lifestyle, you know?

• 18:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:13Lewis Howes?

  He doesn't have to work anymore, but it doesn't make him like

• 18:16Speaker 01

  That doesn't give him meaning.

• 18:17Lewis Howes?

  More productive, or more meaningful, or happier.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  No.

• 18:19Lewis Howes?

  He still has to find value, find meaning in his life, and grow, and learn, and develop meaningful relationships.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:27Lewis Howes?

  And find people that like him not for his money.

• 18:30Speaker 01

  Well, that's, I mean, yeah. I mean, especially in L.A., like, when you ebb and flow in fame and influence and stuff, people are attracted to you because, you know, it's and it's, I don't even know if it's conscious. It's like, you can do something for them, or they want a piece of what you have. And when that success goes up and down over the years, you see people disappear, right?

• 18:48Lewis Howes?

  Has that happened to you?

• 18:49Speaker 01

  I mean, of course, yeah, I mean

• 18:50Lewis Howes?

  On a big show for a while?

• 18:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, or I'm doing, you know, very pioneering stuff, and people want to be around you, and then they just like, zip out, you know? And it's fine, because that, as long as you lose it as a lesson, like, oh, I need to invest in the people who pick me up at the airport if I can't afford to get picked up, right? Not the people who are fancy, or give me, you know, free gifts, or are, make me look exciting, or they want to be a part of what I'm doing. Those are not people who are there for you. You need people who are there for you when the lowest of lows.

• 19:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  Because when you're high, you're the highest of highs, you get really saturated with people.

• 19:21Lewis Howes?

  When's the lowest point for you? When's it been the lowest point for you?

• 19:25Speaker 01

  You know, I've had a couple. Like, earlier this year really was quite hard. And I realize now, in retrospect, it was really a hormonal thing after weaning my baby, you know? But I really genuinely was like, I think I'm gonna move on and figure something else out because...

• 19:38Lewis Howes?

  From what, like, acting?

• 19:39Speaker 01

  From all of this.

• 19:40Lewis Howes?

  No way, really?

• 19:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was like, I could very easily run a coffee shop and be very happy.

• 19:45Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  I'll have like a board game night, you know?

• 19:47Lewis Howes?

  Karaoke, some music.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Hey man, we'll do community service. Exactly, like, and I'm like, well, what is different? What? I think especially when you're in an industry where your self-worth is based on what other people value you as, ultimately, you have to value yourself. You have to be like, I'm awesome if I'm a barista or I'm an actress. And if you can have that core, and I'm not saying that I have a consistent core of that, but that's what I strive to do every day.

• 20:10Lewis Howes?

  How do you get to that place?

• 20:12Speaker 01

  You have to lose everything and you have to feel like you can, you have to feel like the ultimate failure. You have to feel like, I think you really just have to get to the point where you can get out of your own way and realize that you're worth, you are valuable and you should love yourself no matter where you are in life. And if you can get to that place where you have unconditional love for yourself, I truly believe that you will find the path that you're meant to do. Because then you're not making decisions of, oh, if I do this, I'll get to this in my career and that person will like me, right? I just, we all just need to wake up happy every day. And if that's teaching kids to dance, or that's being a banker, or if that's being a teacher, or running a coffee shop, or acting, like, whatever it is, make sure you're motivated by the right thing. And that's really the theme of my book.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  Like, sign up for the work of your creativity and value yourself every day for your uniqueness, because everyone's unique.

• 21:01Lewis Howes?

  That's true. How do we love ourselves unconditionally?

• 21:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's very, I mean, it's not easy.

• 21:06Lewis Howes?

  What's the process of getting there?

• 21:08Speaker 01

  You know, I don't know. I learn a lot from my child because having her, I realized that I didn't do that before. And I didn't appreciate myself as much as I could have. I've always been a proponent of loving yourself for other people, and yet I didn't focus that inward. And when I had her, I started... Realizing that she absorbs everything around her and like me speaking ill of my looks or where I am in my career, like I don't want her to learn to talk to herself like that, right? And so you see these things that we obviously have learned in our life. No one is taught as a two-year-old to not love what they do and be criticized. You know what I'm saying? These are, these are things that are the outside world imposes on us. Either parental or whatever.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  And so I'm hyper-conscious of that. And then that makes me be hyper-conscious of the thoughts that I send into my own brain. So really, having a baby, yes, it crumbled everything I am, but it made me put myself better in a more functional way. And then, yes, I might not be as successful or fancy, but it's, it's okay because ultimately I'll be a happier person on my deathbed.

• 22:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  I'm all about that deathbed.

• 22:14Lewis Howes?

  I know, right? Well, it's interesting, when we reflect about death more frequently, we can actually become more happier.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  Present, yeah.

• 22:21Lewis Howes?

  Present, happier, have perspective, make better decisions when we ask ourselves.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Do you do that a lot?

• 22:28Lewis Howes?

  I started doing it a lot. I think there's a country called Bhutan. I think it's called Bhutan, I can't remember. Someone came on here and talked about this. I think the country's called Bhutan. But I heard that they practice five times a day of reflecting on their death. Five times a day.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Oh, five times a day, wow.

• 22:43Lewis Howes?

  I think it's just for like.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  I just do it when I have insomnia.

• 22:46Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  3:00 AM, oh my God, I'm gonna die one day.

• 22:50Lewis Howes?

  There's an app that I was using for a long time. I can't remember what it's called.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  Is it like your dead, your dead app?

• 22:55Lewis Howes?

  That reminds you five times a day that you're gonna die.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 22:58Lewis Howes?

  With a little quote that gives you perspective on the moment of your life.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:03Lewis Howes?

  That's just like, I think it literally says.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  That's kind of stoicism is like.

• 23:06Lewis Howes?

  It's like, remember, you're gonna die. So just put everything in perspective, like, oh, this stress I'm feeling right now doesn't matter. That person flipping me off on the, on the road, it doesn't matter right now. Because I'm gonna die one day. Let me make the most out of this. Let me get the most juice out of my life and have more joy over pain.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  Hundred percent.

• 23:25Lewis Howes?

  Because these little moments don't matter to get upset, to get frustrated, things like that. So. What did you learn from your daughter about creativity? And something that you didn't ever know about creativity, or you forgot?

• 23:38Speaker 01

  I learned a lot from her. And like, a lot of this book is about of seeing a child just come out of me and be like, "I am who I am, but I have to find out who I am." It's weird, like, you know, we're all born a certain way, but we have to learn who we are. It's literally our, we're life, we're our own life's homework, right?

• 23:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  And so, and along the way, what you learn can warp what you are, I believe. So I always want to be, you know, here to allow her to be whatever she wants to be. And so I think she taught me that we're all just inherently creative and spontaneous and unjudgmental about what comes out of us. And we create because we are trying to fill the walls of who we are, right? So we're throwing something against the wall creatively to see how the world works and how we work within the world. And so I think that that really taught me to be a lot more unfettered, more uninhibited, less judgmental and goal-oriented with my creativity.

• 24:33Lewis Howes?

  You're less judgmental and goal-oriented?

• 24:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I think, I think that creativity for people is self-care. You know, I really believe that. And I think that we consume a lot of things to sort of shield ourselves from ourselves, like, rather than, you know, listening to a podcast, or, or watch a TV show, or a web video, sorry me. I think that, you know, if we took an hour to just do a sketch, or, you know, draw, or play the violin, or piano, or anything to learn more about ourselves, knitting, you know, I think that's really important and it makes us feel like we're fuller, like we've lived a little bit during the day and we've let ourselves out of ourselves, in a way.

• 25:09Lewis Howes?

  My mom knits like two, three hours a day.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  That's incredible.

• 25:12Lewis Howes?

  She taught me knitting when I was like a kid, yeah.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  That's great, and it's very soothing, right? Like, it really makes you be in that moment, right?

• 25:17Lewis Howes?

  You have to be present.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  You are right there.

• 25:19Lewis Howes?

  You're present, yeah.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, so...

• 25:20Lewis Howes?

  I get a little bored after a while, but she loves it, I mean, she's doing it all day.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  It's whatever you, but finding that for yourself, like, it's that, you know, the state of flow they talk about, like, that is what I love. I love, I feel the state of flow when I play the violin, I feel that state of flow when I edit, I love editing. There are certain things that really...

• 25:36Lewis Howes?

  Video editing?

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Video editing, yeah. When I am focused on a project, that's what I love, and that's why I'm here. It doesn't really matter if it's acting, or writing, or producing, or whatever, I just love being in a state of total focus on one thing and trying to make it as best as I can, you know? So yeah, that's what she's taught me and I have a lot more to learn from her and I she, you know, hopefully I won't warp her into something that uh she doesn't want to be like that's my goal. I just want her to find herself and not push her in a direction that she doesn't want to go necessarily.

• 26:05Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like you're more productive because you're more focused with your time?

• 26:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 26:10Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 26:10Speaker 01

  Are you? I mean, you don't have a kid.

• 26:13Lewis Howes?

  As a mom, yeah, I don't have kids.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  Oh, as a mom, I mean.

• 26:16Lewis Howes?

  You're saying no to a lot of stuff and focusing, you know, in an hour, which you're used to do in like four hours.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  I mean, I can't say that I feel so much more efficient. I do feel more efficient. I do feel more lonely in that I have to cut off all those little whims that I used to do before. I do feel loneliness is something.

• 26:31Lewis Howes?

  Activities and like little quick meetups with friends or whatever.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, those kind of things like, hey, come out for a drink or come see my play. Those things really are the things that go and it is a sense of loneliness, I think, that I have recently realized I need to battle a little bit. So I'm gonna take a class and I'm gonna be able to say yes, you know, once a week to something like that you're talking about. But our instinct is there's so little time. We're just scrambling, you know, and just it's like running on a running, trying to get ahead of like, you know, something that's trying to crush you, you know, the Indiana Jones kind of thing. And so I think, you know, it's easy to sort of sacrifice yourself in that way because time is so precious. But at the end of the day, it is enriching to be around other people. And so like a whole section of this book is about allies and how people, how important it is to have your mentors, your role models, and also your

• 27:18Speaker 01

  friends to support you on your journey because the long term of creativity is where we really find the most benefits because we'll get better at it.

• 27:25Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  And we make it more of our, our lives.

• 27:28Lewis Howes?

  There's a podcast called The Happiness Lab, which is all about the science of happiness.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I've heard that a couple of times, yeah.

• 27:34Lewis Howes?

  Dr. Laurie Santos. And she talks about even though people say that they're introverted and they like their alone time. There is direct correlation to being alone and being unhappy. Like, the more introverted you become, but every time you're around someone else, even if you're uncomfortable, even if you didn't want to talk to that person, you feel happier, you feel connected, you feel more more purposeful, meaningful life when you speak and connect with other people.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  I think it's a combination. I think, you know...

• 28:03Lewis Howes?

  You need alone time, too.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think I'm interested in that because there's also another book called Quiet. I can't remember the name, but it's all about how introverted people...

• 28:12Lewis Howes?

  Sarah Cain?

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Sarah Cain, yeah. And I love that book a lot because there are a lot of, you know, misnomers about being introverted. I mean, I'm certainly a person who, if I go to a party for an hour, I have, I need to recharge. Like, I'm not like, "I can't, that was awesome." Like, I'm like, "Okay, that was fine, but I'm so tired right now. I need to just be in silence." So that's just me. And it's also just about a journey of getting to know what activates you and what works for you, and not doing things because someone's told you to do it, right? I think a lot of that with creativity, it's like, especially with writing, it's been a long journey for me, trying to figure out how I best work as a writer and not judging the way that I work. It's like, "Well, it's not good enough. You're too slow. Nobody does it that way. You need an outline before you start writing." Like, all these rules. It's really about being gentle with ourselves and figuring out like,

• 28:56Speaker 01

  "Okay, I actually work really well if I, you know, am in my PJs or I go down to McDonald's." You know, like, what makes you... I have to write on something, I have to work on something like it's clay. I have to go back and mold it a little, and I'll go over here and then I'll come back to it. That's not how a lot of writers work. It's a longer process. But when I started embracing like, "Okay, what makes me work well", that was exciting because then I'm really being true to myself. And then I was just better at working, I think.

• 29:22Lewis Howes?

  You were better, yeah.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:23Lewis Howes?

  On a scale of one to 10, how creative do you feel like you are right now in your life?

• 29:28Speaker 01

  Wow, um, you know, I'd say like a six or a seven. I'm pretty good. You know, I was recently discussing with somebody, you know, I used to make web video and I would make, you know, especially from like 2011 to 2000. Seventeen, I would make five to ten videos a week. I would oversee them in some way, you know.

• 29:49Lewis Howes?

  You may not act in them, but you would.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  I would not necessarily be in all of them. I would produce them. I would be reading development material to make more videos. I would be giving notes on scripts. I would be giving notes on edits. I would be giving notes on design for the. You know, so I was constantly being barraged. And like, I was talking to somebody and she's like, oh, it sounds like you were on a high. Because you constantly were creative. You were in this environment where you could just be poo poo poo. Like, I have an idea, let's go, let's go, let's go. Let's see the reaction immediately. And so it was almost like being addicted to that sort of.

• 30:16Lewis Howes?

  A drug, yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  It was almost a drug, yeah. And so, you know, it's, it's taken years for me to figure out like, okay, there is another way to operate. And you shouldn't compare that feeling to what you have now. Because it's going to be different. You're not getting that dopamine hit of like, great, we made something. How do people react? Okay, let's go to the next one, you know? I don't have that anymore. So that realization that I was addicted to that kind of feedback is really important. And has allowed me to be like, okay, I'm working on something for the next six months. And then, just like this book, I worked on it for a year. It's out. It was amazing to release. Now I'm ready for something new. It's a different pace of living. It's a different pace of creativity. And it's been sort of like a. But now that I'm, I'm getting into it, I feel like, oh, I think this will be more long-term satisfying.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  Because I can put more time into something, right?

• 31:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I mean, I feel like the majority of people, creatives right now are probably addicted to that. Let me post on social media and get a quick reaction.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:11Lewis Howes?

  Excitement around that.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:12Lewis Howes?

  Quick post or video or whatever it may be. Whereas there's a book called Deep Work, I think it's called. Where it's about actually diving into the deep work and having the time to spend a month, six months, a year on a project.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:26Lewis Howes?

  That takes time and love and massaging and all these different things is where we create more meaningful.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Well, it lasts for a long time. And my philosophy around web video was always trying to make more evergreen content. I'm really proud of that. Like, a lot of the videos that I made around Magic the Gathering or tabletop games or, you know, these are things that people watch today. They're more evergreen. And that was my, always my philosophy about. My web video, The Guild, is, ten years later, it's still on Netflix, right?

• 31:50Lewis Howes?

  Amazing.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  So like, that investment of time and. And that vibe was, it really, I became more unhappy when the industry kind of pushed me toward making more disposable content. So that's just not what...

• 32:01Lewis Howes?

  That's topical for the week.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, which is great. That's just not the thing that made me happy. And it took a while to realize that, right? So my kind of backpedaling, and it's different venues now because that kind of web video isn't made right now. It's more just TV or podcasts right now, which is fine. But, you know, putting my efforts into books and other formats in a longer-term way, it makes me impatient sometimes, but I'm like, I know that when I finish this, this book will last forever. I will be proud in 10 years to give it to someone because it's...

• 32:29Lewis Howes?

  It's evergreen.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Exactly, so...

• 32:31Lewis Howes?

  It's great.

• 32:32Speaker 01

  Oh, thanks.

• 32:34Lewis Howes?

  How do you overcome the need to be perfect as a creative? And how do you overcome self-doubt when you're working on a creative project? Especially in Hollywood and with this world, do you have a lot of self-doubt or...

• 32:48Speaker 01

  I have an analogy to that. I've been talking about it a lot in here, about how anxiety and fear of failure and all these things, but I recently was thinking about it as a way of like Google Maps. You know, when we're, when we're looking at a project or a city, you know, in our world, right? A project could be a city. You have to be at the right magnification level at the point where you are in the creative process, right? So you cannot be like zooming out to worldview and looking at your project all the time because then you're paralyzed. You're like... You're second guessing everything. Yeah, you're either second, or you're being like, I gotta just retool the whole thing. Let's redo the whole plot. No.

• 33:24Lewis Howes?

  Scratch it.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  I've done it.

• 33:25Lewis Howes?

  Throw it away.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  Just throw it away from scratch because you're just looking at it from a perspective or someone else's perspective, you know? And I talk about this a lot. You gotta be in it, you gotta honor the process and know that you're gonna do bad work to get to the finish line. You gotta get to the finish line before you get to the, go back to the beginning. And you can't, you can't look at the whole thing in too wide a lens too early or you'll ruin everything because no, it's not ready to be looked at right then. You're only 10% into it, man. You cannot look at it from, from that kind of worldview, so...

• 33:56Lewis Howes?

  What did you say? You gotta be at the finish line before you can go back to the beginning?

• 33:59Speaker 01

  Yes, you have to get to the, I mean, that's, that's the number one thing for creativity I've learned. You gotta finish it in order to go back to the beginning and fix it.

• 34:06Lewis Howes?

  So it's not just, I finished it and it's done?

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Oh, no. I mean, that, then you're, I mean, no judgment, you're probably not working hard enough.

• 34:14Lewis Howes?

  Right, it's the editing, it's the refining, it's the stepping away and coming back, it's having a life experience moment and reflecting.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, and working through it and learning something about yourself, having gone through the finish and being like, okay, this is what I wanted to say, how do I make it better? Right? I mean, I'm not saying that anybody can, I mean, I've done things where I did a first draft and I'm like, it's done, you know, like, very, very rarely. Most of the time, it takes a lot of work, but you have to be brave enough to just do the bad work to get to the end and then go back and fix it. That's what I believe, and that's what I talk about in my book a lot.

• 34:44Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that hard, though, to be like, to be doing something, writing a book, and the first draft would be like, gosh, this really sucks? How do you not judge yourself and have this desire to doubt, like, I'm just, I shouldn't put this out, I can't keep working on this, it's never gonna be what I want it to be, I'm comparing it to someone else's book?

• 35:02Speaker 01

  I mean, all of those things are just, talk about, those are the voices you don't listen to, right? I mean, you have to look at it as a process, and you have to look at it as the end result would, I would be happy regardless of this, whether this is successful or not, right? That's where that inner satisfaction comes, because you know you did the best work you could. And you can't let that critic start talking until you, you know that you're ready to step away from it. Then that voice can take over. Otherwise, like, I mean, first draft is a first draft, like, it's, you're not embracing the fact that it's work, and that's what I talk about in this book a lot, creativity is work. It's not just like some muse coming out all sexy out of you and just like, you know.

• 35:38Lewis Howes?

  This artist.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly, and it's like, it's done, it just came out of me, I didn't work at all, like, that is not realistic. It's this weird perception we have of genius, but like, and I said in the book, Lin-Manuel Miranda took six years to write Hamilton. How many drafts do you think he did of every thing? I just read this wonderful book, I can't remember the name of it, but it's a book, the author took 15 years to write it, and he kept going back to it and just ripping it apart and rewriting it, and it won a Booker Award, it won a bunch of things, but, you know, he couldn't, he couldn't let it go because it meant something to him. But he would finish it and then walk away, and then he'd be like, rip, and he'd go back, and he'd keep working on it, and it was brilliant, but 15 years. You know, so you can't expect everything to be perfect, right? At the end of the day, you have to move on. You have to do something and move on, right?

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Like, you can't grow if you're working on one thing for 20 years. So it really is about having people outside you as sort of touchstones of like, "Okay, you know, help me. Help me decide whether I move on. Help me decide how many more drafts of this do I need to do? Help me know that if releasing this now will make me a better artist, or it will devastate me because I released it too early, right?" And so sometimes you can't know that. You just need your outside help.

• 36:47Lewis Howes?

  Mentor. You have a whole chapter on mentors.

• 36:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:50Lewis Howes?

  You have a chapter on enemies too, right?

• 36:52Speaker 01

  Uh, I mean, over half the book is about enemies. It's about, um, fear. I mean, the enemies are anxiety, fear of failure, procrastination.

• 37:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes, those are the enemies.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Powerlessness, um, you know, jealousy, real-life enemies. I mean, there's a lot. I could've gone on. My editor was like, "It's a little too much with the enemies." I like, I could go on more, because I'm a paranoid person, right?

• 37:14Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  But, I mean, we're our, we're our worst enemies. We're our own worst enemies. And the fact, if you, the point of this book was to make self-help be more fun, more playful, and think about things from a different angle than you have in the past. And so that's why it's interactive. That's why it has exercises everywhere, because unless you're doing something, you're not really going to absorb it into your own world. You're just going to kind of like, put in your brain and like, "Oh, I might highlight a word or a sentence there." But it's not really going to affect you. I really want this book to affect people.

• 37:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. How do you manage energy when you have negative people in your life during the creative process?

• 37:49Speaker 01

  You have to shut them out. I mean, there's a big, one of my favorite exercises in there is taking a person and visualizing and shutting a door on them. Because you can love that person, but they're not safe for you when you're creating, right? And so you can have that person in your life if you can figure out a way to navigate it, or you might just need to piss a pause. I mean, I'm not all about like, cut people from, you know, I'm not a cult leader. I don't want people to abandon their families or their friends, right? But I do want people to honor their own process and who they are, because we're often taught, especially women, to honor other people's needs from us in front of other people, right? And so, you know, if someone knocks on my virtual door, email, "Hey, want to have lunch tomorrow?" I'll be like, "Sure!"

• 38:31Lewis Howes?

  Because you always want to please.

• 38:33Speaker 01

  I want to please, you know, and I'm like, what do you need from me? Take it, you know, and I, you know, I have, I need to value myself more. I mean, I have been people in my life that I'm supposed to like. I have a writing partner who's fake. I have an assistant who's fake and I'm just like, pretend that they're defending me.

• 38:48Lewis Howes?

  Really? Tell me more about that. What is that?

• 38:50Speaker 01

  I'm just like, Felicia has a writing, you know, she, she has a writing session tomorrow with so and so.

• 38:55Lewis Howes?

  You'll email people back.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, as my fake assistant.

• 38:58Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  That I have an appointment with a writing partner who doesn't exist.

• 39:02Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Because.

• 39:04Lewis Howes?

  You need to protect your, your peace.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, and people are not like, will not honor you if you're doing something for yourself. If I told you, hey, I can't meet with you, I have, I have to write. You would be like, less.

• 39:15Lewis Howes?

  I've got a massage.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, a massage or something. You would not, you would be kind of pissed that I was not giving my time to you other, but more than if I said, I'm sorry, I have a writing partner I'm writing with, right?

• 39:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  There's a weird.

• 39:26Lewis Howes?

  Prior commitment, yeah.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  I have a prior commitment with another person, not myself, right? Isn't that weird?

• 39:31Lewis Howes?

  Crazy.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  It's really weird.

• 39:32Lewis Howes?

  So now I know when I email you next time, if you're gonna blow me off, if there's really, there's a real reason.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  Felicia's writing with Sean tomorrow.

• 39:41Lewis Howes?

  I'm like, okay, I remember now.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Janet and Sean don't exist.

• 39:43Lewis Howes?

  They don't, are those the people's names?

• 39:45Speaker 01

  No, I changed them.

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  You change them up every, every few months?

• 39:47Speaker 01

  Got to mix up.

• 39:48Lewis Howes?

  Okay. So you cut people out, you have an imaginary door, you shut the door.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:55Lewis Howes?

  And that helps you what, protect your inner peace or that it's a physical barrier?

• 39:59Speaker 01

  I think so. I mean, I don't know, when you create, don't you feel like there's, there's somebody that you're trying to please when you're creating?

• 40:04Lewis Howes?

  I think I'm always trying to give to people. So this conversation right here is probably really powerful for me to listen to because I'm always trying to contribute to other people. I'm always wanting to say, how can I support you? How can I give? What's the challenge you have in your life that I can?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  I want to solve your problems.

• 40:21Lewis Howes?

  Connect someone to you or listen to you for hours and then I just, like, my whole day is gone.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:27Lewis Howes?

  And I start working at like seven o'clock at night because I've just been giving all day to other people.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  So I need to.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  I, I, I feel that a lot. I do the same thing. I feel most important when I'm of help to other people. There's a reason why I played a lot of assistants and TV, you know? Because I do have that eager like, I will do anything for you. I don't exist except for you. And yet, that's a terrible way to, I mean, it really is. I'm telling myself this and it's a struggle that I deal with. Like, I am not honoring myself. I'm not, what happens when all the pieces that are useful to other people are gone? Well, are they gonna be there for us?

• 40:59Lewis Howes?

  Probably not.

• 40:59Speaker 01

  Probably not, and maybe not even in a vindictive way. It's just unconscious, right? Like, you know.

• 41:04Lewis Howes?

  Like I told Lily, my assistant, I was like, "Don't schedule any meetings. Let's try to cut off as many meetings this month so I can get things done."

• 41:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:13Lewis Howes?

  But it's hard because there's always someone in town. And there's this opportunity. It's like, you don't want to say no to a friend. Even if it is a close friend of yours, you're like...

• 41:20Speaker 01

  My inbox is full of five people that I feel too guilty about saying no to, but I just don't want to meet them. Not personal, I just want my December to write. I just need it.

• 41:29Lewis Howes?

  So you haven't responded?

• 41:31Speaker 01

  I haven't responded. I don't know how to respond. I'm paralyzed right now.

• 41:34Lewis Howes?

  Well, call Janet up and tell her to...

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Janet's gonna be like, "Felicia's out of the country." I mean, I know a couple of people, very famous writers. Neil Gaiman is one of them. And he will just put an auto reply on his email and be like, "I'm so sorry, I'm not checking email for the next two months. Only my assist. I will not read this. Please contact me again in January." And a lot of that, I did that for a while, and it really does work because if you're a friend, you'll know, "Oh, he's doing his work. I want his work."

• 41:59Lewis Howes?

  It's so hard.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  It is very, very hard, but I think ultimately, what are you gonna show for yourself at the end?

• 42:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I know.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Other than just giving yourself to everybody.

• 42:07Lewis Howes?

  I know. And having your attention and your time, like, spread out too thin.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  And then you won't have as much to give people, right? You won't be as successful, you won't be as productive, you won't be as creative. Then you're not useful to them as much. So really, if you could think about it like that.

• 42:20Lewis Howes?

  Right. You need to be selfish for yourself so you can give more to other people.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  Make yourself more usable.

• 42:25Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting. Do you, how do you manage your emotions when you aren't feeling like you're at the top? When you don't have a series that's like running well, or you're not getting on red carpets as much, or whatever? I'm not in the Hollywood world, so I don't play this game, but...

• 42:43Speaker 01

  I'm not either. I'm really not. I just, even when I get invited to red carpets, I'm like, "I don't want to spend the money on an outfit. I do not want to make my hair look nice. What am I gonna gain from this interaction?"

• 42:53Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  You know, it is really tough. I think when you are in a sort of status and achievement-oriented, you know, career, which we all are, but Hollywood is sort of like hyper. Your relevance to other people is your worth.

• 43:09Lewis Howes?

  Crazy?

• 43:11Speaker 01

  It's crazy. It is really not-

• 43:12Lewis Howes?

  How do you deal with that if you're not as relevant or you're less relevant?

• 43:15Speaker 01

  You know, I just don't invest, and I know that it might go away. I think that I've gotten to the point where I'm just like, okay, that might disappear, and I think I'll be just as happy. I think you get to the point where you have to... And then, of course, I mean, if I want to go to a movie, like, I'm like, oh, I want to see that movie, or that, you know, I do it for fun. And then, you know, I'll do it, like, I know if I'll see some friends there, right? Or I'm like, this is a really good business opportunity. So I have certain categories where I weigh it. I'm like, okay, is this, you know, business useful? Is this personal useful? Is this just a good night out? And those are the three categories. And if it's not one of the three, it's like, definitely not worth my time. Because I'd rather sit and stare at my wall than go network with people.

• 43:55Lewis Howes?

  Right. How does someone not value their self-worth on their relevance? How do they train themselves or create a different scenario or story in their mind that my relevance, my following size, my views, likes, is not tied to my self-worth?

• 44:14Speaker 01

  I mean, it's very, very hard. And I think that social media really destroys us. And I think that just knowing that my self-worth is not tied to these things, you know, my career might be, but your self-worth and your career have to be separate. And you really have to just cut, cut, cut, right?

• 44:29Lewis Howes?

  That's powerful.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  And know that every career, especially, you know, online career, it goes like that. You know, I know huge YouTubers that can't get arrested right now, right? They, you know, they were so popular, fine stars, like, they just disappear, right? And I think it's hard. Fame is very warping, right? And you always have that as sort of a high, and you have that as sort of a benchmark of your own success, that high of where you were the most famous, most successful, most financially, you know, rewarded, right? But that's, that is the definition of basing your self-worth on externals. You can't control those things. You can only control your work. And so you should really base your high on where you were most fulfilled, and you were making the things that were most meaningful to you. And the things that you'll, you know, take forward in your life as things you were proud of, right?

• 45:13Speaker 01

  You just want to duplicate that versus all the external rewards, because it's all conditional, right?

• 45:19Lewis Howes?

  You're a very wise woman.

• 45:20Speaker 01

  Thank you, I'm a sage, great.

• 45:22Lewis Howes?

  Very wise, and in the book you've got so many different exercises and examples. I love how creative the book is.

• 45:29Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you very much.

• 45:30Lewis Howes?

  Did you do all like the doodling and drawing too?

• 45:32Speaker 01

  I did not, but it was a style, like, were I be able to draw, that would have been it. Yes, I am not a person who, anyone should look at my drawing, and I don't want to share it, to be honest with you. But I do, I love this style, because it's very spontaneous and fun and whimsical. And that's what I want, you know, a lot of self-help journeys are like, luxury. They're very harlier than now, they're almost shaming sometimes. Or they're like, super god-driven, like, spiritual, oovy-groovy, and I'm like, "God bless you, if you feel like you need a spirit to enter you to get into this." Like, it's not my style. So I just wanted to do a funny, fun, self-effacing, whimsical, and playful. I just want people to feel very playful and encouraged at the end of this book.

• 46:12Lewis Howes?

  I love it, I love it. I've got a couple of questions left for you. But make sure you guys get the book before I ask the fun of questions.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  Okay, great.

• 46:19Lewis Howes?

  It's called Embrace Your Weird, Face Your Fears and Unleash Creativity. I feel like there's more and more actors and celebrities who are coming out with self-help memoirs and books to help people, and I find it powerful, because there probably is a lot of stress and overwhelm that actors go through, that they have to do the work on themselves, to just get through it, and be happy and be joyful and...

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I wrote this book because I wrote a memoir many years, uh, in 2004 years ago, three years ago?

• 46:46Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  Called You're Never Weird in the Internet Almost, and that, um, in writing through my own, about my own journey of being like this weird kid, was homeschooled, going to college way too early, you know, coming to LA and thinking I was a star, and not really happening, and then, you know, making my own success out of my garage, Riley. And that journey, people, you know, I would get people telling me all the time, that really made me start, made them start creating something themselves, and it also made them help, get help for anxiety and depression. Especially anxiety, I battled my whole life, and I didn't really realize how much it ruled my life until I started becoming a little bit more cogent of my behavior and how it affected me. And so, out of that response to my memoir, I really wrote this because I wanted to give the tools to other people.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  I really felt like, okay, if people are taking this from that book, how much more could I give them for themselves?

• 47:36Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  Because honestly, if somebody comes up and says, "I started doing programming because of you", like, that's so much more exciting than, "Here's an award." For something you did two years ago. Like, it's, okay, that's wonderful. And it might open opportunities business-wise, but it's not like I feel good as a human being, right? And so that's why I wrote this book. I really feel like it's something that, you know, the people who've read it are like, "I'm getting it from my daughter, and I'm getting it from my, you know, husband and my aunt." And I'm like, "This is great, because you're spreading joy." And if that kind of can go through person after person, like, that's way better to do with my time.

• 48:08Lewis Howes?

  So much more fulfilling.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:10Lewis Howes?

  When you make an impact on one person's life and they see a result because of something you created for them, so...

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, that's one of the points I make in the book, like, in the critic section. Like, yes, you might make something and release it in the world and people loathe it. It might be awful, but you don't know how that awful thing you made, quote-unquote, could affect another person and make them go make something else that may change the world. You don't know.

• 48:35Lewis Howes?

  True.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  So your creativity doesn't need to be judged. It just needs to be out there for yourself.

• 48:39Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Okay, this is called "The Three Truths." I ask everyone this.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Is this your deal?

• 48:44Lewis Howes?

  This is a question I ask.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 48:46Lewis Howes?

  Three truths.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 48:47Lewis Howes?

  That I ask everyone at the end. So imagine, since we've talked about regret and dying, imagine that's your last day on earth many years from now.

• 48:55Speaker 01

  Uh-huh.

• 48:56Lewis Howes?

  And you choose the day, and you live as long as you want, and you've created everything you want to create. You see your family grow, and everything is the way you want it to be, right?

• 49:03Speaker 01

  Okay, sure.

• 49:04Lewis Howes?

  But you gotta choose a day where it's all over. And every creative project you've put into the world has to go with you. So no one has access to your work anymore.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 49:14Lewis Howes?

  The videos, the books, the creativity.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 49:17Lewis Howes?

  Everything you've put in the world goes with you to wherever you go next. But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true about your entire experience on this earth. Three lessons, three truths.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 49:31Lewis Howes?

  And you can write them down, and you can, that's all people have to remember you by are these three truths. What would you say would be yours?

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Wow, this is a complicated question. I think as a person who's been in the world of fame and recognition, I heard this great Jenny Leno quote about Conan O'Brien. And Conan O'Brien was like, "I feel like people are gonna remember me." And Jay Leno was like, "Nobody cares. You've forgotten. Just live for the moment, right? Nobody will care. After you're dead, they might not care next year." And that's when I see, when I go down a street and I see a person's name on a building or a street, I'm like, "Does anyone care about that person? Nobody cares. Nobody cares about Century City? I don't know if it's Mr. Century or what. It's like, no one cares. Nobody, that name might be there, but no one is thinking about who that person was. It's just your name. So like, what is the point of achieving all that, right?

• 50:22Speaker 01

  So I guess my message would be like, the only people worth investing in are the people who will be with you when you're dying. Your weirdness is your superpower. And the only way you know you're alive is to create.

• 50:36Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. The only way you know you're alive is to create?

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:39Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Because, like I said, this is what I learned from my daughter. Like, when you're creating, it's like a bat flying around by sonar. And they send their sound out and it bounces off things and then comes back to them and tells them how the world works. That's how our creativity is. When we throw our creativity out there, it bounces off the world and comes back to us. And we know so much more about ourselves and the world from it.

• 51:03Lewis Howes?

  Wow. You should be Batwoman.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  That would be amazing.

• 51:06Lewis Howes?

  That'd be sweet, right? Isn't there a Batwoman coming out?

• 51:08Speaker 01

  It's not very good. Wait, sorry.

• 51:11Lewis Howes?

  Isn't there a movie, Batwoman coming out?

• 51:12Speaker 01

  There's a TV show, Batwoman.

• 51:13Lewis Howes?

  Oh, TV show. I thought there was a movie too coming out.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  There could be. No, um, what's-her-face is playing Bat, Catgirl, Catwoman.

• 51:21Lewis Howes?

  Oh, Catwoman.

• 51:22Speaker 01

  Catwoman. Zoe Kravitz is playing Catwoman, which I cannot believe. It's gonna be amazing.

• 51:26Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah, she's great. And what's the show she's in right now? The, with all the female...

• 51:31Speaker 01

  Is it Orange is the New Black?

• 51:33Lewis Howes?

  No, what's the one with the Reese with a spoon and...

• 51:36Speaker 01

  Oh, Big Little Lies.

• 51:37Lewis Howes?

  That's a great show.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I haven't seen the second season.

• 51:40Lewis Howes?

  I just started watching it.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  Don't look at me like that.

• 51:42Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing. I haven't finished it. I haven't finished it.

• 51:43Speaker 01

  Meryl Streep's in it. I gotta watch it.

• 51:45Lewis Howes?

  It's pretty, she's incredible.

• 51:46Speaker 01

  I know.

• 51:47Lewis Howes?

  That's, yeah, but I really liked Zoe from that.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  She's incredible. I can't wait to see her Catwoman.

• 51:53Lewis Howes?

  When is that coming out?

• 51:54Speaker 01

  I guess it's next year with who, the new Batman or everything, you know?

• 51:58Lewis Howes?

  Who's the new Batman?

• 51:59Speaker 01

  Oh, it's Robert Pattinson.

• 52:02Lewis Howes?

  He's Batman?

• 52:03Speaker 01

  You don't know these things?

• 52:04Lewis Howes?

  I don't know these things.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  I got blank, I thought, no, he, he's gonna be great.

• 52:08Lewis Howes?

  Wait, Robert Haskins from?

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Twilight.

• 52:10Lewis Howes?

  Twilight?

• 52:10Speaker 01

  He's an amazing actor. He's gonna be so much better than Ben Affleck. Oh my god. Ben Affleck was the worst Bat- I would rather see George Clooney as Batman any day of the week.

• 52:18Lewis Howes?

  Uh, but who was the one before?

• 52:20Speaker 01

  Michael Keaton, amazing.

• 52:22Lewis Howes?

  No, after.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  Christian Bale was great.

• 52:24Lewis Howes?

  Christian Bale was unbelievable.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  I know, but I think Pattinson's gonna be amazing.

• 52:27Lewis Howes?

  The Dark Knight?

• 52:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 52:28Lewis Howes?

  You can't beat that.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  Agreed, but-

• 52:30Lewis Howes?

  It was unbelievable.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  Agreed, but-

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  Soundtrack? Oh my god.

• 52:33Speaker 01

  Anne Hathaway is not gonna be as good as Zoe, I mean, she's incredible.

• 52:37Lewis Howes?

  Catwoman, she'll be a better, she'll be a good catwoman, but-

• 52:40Speaker 01

  She's gonna be great.

• 52:40Lewis Howes?

  Wow, Batman, so there's gonna be a new Batman?

• 52:42Speaker 01

  Oh boy, you're behind the times, man. You're doing too much self-help here.

• 52:45Lewis Howes?

  I need to email your Janice, or whoever your assistant is, and get connected to you.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 52:50Lewis Howes?

  I'm just finding this out.

• 52:50Speaker 01

  It's gonna be next year, you'll be fine.

• 52:52Lewis Howes?

  Okay, cool. Well, Polisha, I want to acknowledge you for a moment before I ask you the final question. I want to acknowledge-

• 52:57Speaker 01

  There's more? Okay.

• 52:58Lewis Howes?

  There's one more question, but I want to acknowledge you for your creative weirdness in the world, because I think a lot of people are afraid to be weird and express their weirdness, and to continue to put that out there. And the fact that you are courageous enough to talk about the depression, the anxiety, the stresses, the challenges of being a mom, and having the ups and downs of this creative world and the Hollywood world, which is even more pressure.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 53:23Lewis Howes?

  It's really inspiring, so I acknowledge you for, for showing up, for being consistent, even when it's hormonal and weird and you're not, you know, doing what you think you should be doing, but it's, it's really inspiring, so-

• 53:35Speaker 01

  Thank you very much, I appreciate that.

• 53:36Lewis Howes?

  I acknowledge you for that.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  I'm gonna acknowledge you for being a good interviewer.

• 53:39Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it. I'll take it.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:42Lewis Howes?

  The final question is, what's your definition of greatness?

• 53:45Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Feeling full in your heart like you ate a really big hamburger.

• 53:52Lewis Howes?

  Feeling full in your heart like you ate a big hamburger?

• 53:54Speaker 01

  Like you ate a really big hamburger.

• 53:55Lewis Howes?

  Did I see you post something recently about eating a hamburger?

• 53:58Speaker 01

  No, maybe. My baby will not eat anything but hamburger and fries.

• 54:01Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  It's not good. She's fine.

• 54:04Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  She'll be fine.

• 54:06Lewis Howes?

  So the feeling of eating a big hamburger and having that fullness in your heart.

• 54:09Speaker 01

  Do you know that feeling? Like you've made something?

• 54:11Lewis Howes?

  When you go to In-N-Out and you frickin' eat it.

• 54:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you've made something and in your heart, you know, you've done something good. You just feel so full. You're just like, ah, I wanna snuggle, you know?

• 54:19Lewis Howes?

  Mmm. I wanna snuggle with the cheeseburger fries and a milkshake.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  That's not the most articulate thing I've ever said, but I think we have our par for the interview.

• 54:25Lewis Howes?

  This is great. Embrace your weird. Check the book out, Felicia. Thank you very much.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  Thanks a lot.

• 54:34Lewis Howes?

  My friend, thank you so much for being here. I hope you enjoyed this episode and interview again. If it resonated with you, if it inspired you, if there was a moment that gave you clarity or inspiration or guidance, then please do me a favor and subscribe to this podcast and share this podcast with a friend. You can be a hero and a champion and you can lift someone up today by just sending them this message with the link in the podcast. That's lewishouse.com/892 for the specific link, or you can copy and paste it on Spotify or Stitcher or SoundCloud or wherever you're listening to it, Apple Podcast, and share that link with a friend, someone you think that this could, this could help immensely. Send this to a friend or a family member, anyone in your life that you think this could

• 55:19Lewis Howes?

  help, and leave us a review on Apple Podcast. I'd love to hear your thoughts. We wanna learn how we can make this better. Again, your reviews are like fuel for me. Every time I get a new review, I just get excited to know that I'm impacting people. So the goal for us is to continue to impact more people. If this helped you in any way, then please leave us a review on Apple Podcast. I think we're almost at 6,000 five-star reviews and share your thoughts over there as well. Make sure to text me, 614-350-3960, and let's stay connected over on my intimate texting community platform where I'm doing giveaways, prizes, inspirational messages every week, all that different stuff, and I'm gonna be sharing stuff there that I don't share anywhere else on social media.

• 56:04Lewis Howes?

  So stay connected, 614-350-3960. Big thank you to our sponsor today, Calm.com/greatness. Now Calm has these amazing sleep stories, hundreds of them, and a ton of other content like soothing music from artists like Sam Smith, guided meditations, breathing exercises, and so much more. 60 million people use Calm and... Use it to get great sleep. That's what this is all about. If you don't have great sleep, it's hard to have a great life. I can tell you that. For a limited time, you guys get 25% off a Calm Premium subscription at calm.com/greatness. That's C-A-L-M.com/greatness.

• 56:47Lewis Howes?

  Make sure to check it out right now. As we get to the end of the year, another podcast year behind us, almost, we're almost complete. I want you to reflect on how far you've come this year, how much you've created, what you've actually done. And I also want you to reflect on the things you missed out on. What did you not do based out of fear? What did you hold back on? What are the things you said you were gonna do last January, but you never did and you didn't complete? I want you to think about both of those things. Acknowledge yourself of the things you did, you overcame, and how far you got. And also ask yourself, why didn't I do those things I said I wanted to do? What held me back? And have a reflection

• 57:29Lewis Howes?

  moment right now, because as Gary Zukav said, scarcity of self-value cannot be remedied by money, recognition, affection, attention, or influence. And as Alan Cohen said, to love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don't wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now. I love you so very much. I'm so grateful you're here. Every single week, we try to bring you the most inspirational icons in the world, the leaders, the world-class athletes, the authors, the people who are doing the research to help you improve your life. And we try to give it to you in an inspirational

• 58:11Lewis Howes?

  way. So, thank you so much for being a part of this community. It's your family, the School of Greatness family. And as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.