Pete Holmes: Gimme a donut...Really! | Whiskey Ginger

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino welcomes back comedian, actor, author, and podcast host Pete Holmes for another beautifully chaotic episode full of comedy, spirituality, parenting, anxiety, creativity, and absolute nonsense. Pete and Santino bounce from deep philosophical ideas to the dumbest possible bits in under thirty seconds like only they can. They talk about getting older, staying playful, stand-up evolution, weird audience moments, family life, and why comedy might just be the closest thing we have to religion. Pete also talks about his brand new stand-up special Silly Silly Fun Boy and his new children’s book Spells To Cast On Your Parents, available now for preorder. Pre-order Pete’s new book Spells To Cast On Your Parents:https://a.co/d/00gYzGQD Watch Pete’s new special Silly Silly Fun Boy on 800 Pound Gorilla:https://youtu.be/qzsHolR05hg?si=qQdHOcZ_gZKXvuXn Follow Pete Holmes:https://www.instagram.com/peteholmes Follow Andrew Santino:https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger:https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #PeteHolmes #ComedyPodcast =================================================== This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Sign up now for your twenty-five dollar bonus on FanDuel Predicts. HEAD TO https://fanduel.com/whiskey TO GET STARTED! RULA FIND A THERAPIST THE EASY WAY! https://rula.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 1:00Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a Wave Series presented by FanDuel. Hey, Whiskey Ginger fans. Tonight, tonight, tonight. Me and Bobby Lee are gonna be at the YouTube Theater, right here in Los Angeles, California. YouTube Theater. Come out and see The Bad Friends. Probably the only show we're gonna do together this year. Tonight. The tickets are at andrewsantino.com. And so are June 28th. I'm in San Diego at The Sound. And July 24th, I'm at the Ameristar Casino in St. Charles, Missouri. Basically, St. Louis. St. Louis, come see me July 24th. San Diego, June 28th. And tonight, tonight, May 8th. The Bad Friends are gonna be at the YouTube Theater, right here in L.A. for the Netflix is a Joke Fest. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino dot com.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:46Speaker 04

  You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a beauty. You owe me $5.

• 2:05Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Junior. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I really, really mean it today. It is the return of Mr. Pete Holmes!

• 2:14Speaker 05

  It's good to be here, I'm sorry. I don't want to stop you from your riff.

• 2:17Andrew Santino?

  Well, don't, don't, don't, uh...

• 2:18Speaker 05

  These are great shoes, you talked about mine...

• 2:20Andrew Santino?

  These are comfy bumpkins, and you've got great shoes. Uh, thirteen and a half?

• 2:23Speaker 05

  These are thirteens.

• 2:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I can always tell, you know, I can always pinpoint. But those home, home slippers, they do something. You know what they do?

• 2:31Speaker 05

  Tell me.

• 2:31Andrew Santino?

  They say, "I'm successful enough that I don't need to wear regular shoes."

• 2:35Speaker 05

  These are sandlers.

• 2:35Andrew Santino?

  But I care enough...

• 2:36Speaker 05

  These aren't sandals, these are sandlers. I wear open-toe sandlers.

• 2:41Andrew Santino?

  Adam Sandlers?

• 2:42Speaker 05

  Cause Sandler dresses like a, like a beach hoe.

• 2:44Andrew Santino?

  Why doesn't he start a clothing line of the Sandler collection?

• 2:47Speaker 05

  I would wear a FUBU, like a...

• 2:50Andrew Santino?

  We just have, we have FUBU outside.

• 2:54Speaker 05

  If Adam Sandler started a sweat pant company, it would be called FUBU.

• 3:02Speaker 05

  It doesn't matter how many fucking amazing dramatic roles you do. This is you.

• 3:08Andrew Santino?

  They're like, "How come the Uncut Gems designs aren't selling at all?" And the "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah", those are selling off the shelves. But think about that. Jim Carrey did it too. He came out of a rhino's asshole, spoke out of his butthole.

• 3:20Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 3:20Andrew Santino?

  And people remember that more than they remember Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. By a landslide.

• 3:25Speaker 05

  By, people don't know that's him. They think that's his brother Craig Carey.

• 3:28Andrew Santino?

  Isn't that Kate Winslet and Craig Carey?

• 3:30Speaker 05

  Craig Carey. Craigus? But wearing a slipper, this is California chic.

• 3:36Andrew Santino?

  God, I love you so much, Pete. Every time I see you, I get...

• 3:38Speaker 05

  I'm like tall, lean Bobby Lee.

• 3:42Andrew Santino?

  You're much better.

• 3:44Speaker 05

  Fatter.

• 3:45Andrew Santino?

  No, better. Fatter is better these days.

• 3:47Speaker 05

  Fatter is better these days. Ozempic?

• 3:49Andrew Santino?

  Well, and also...

• 3:51Speaker 05

  Ozempic made it so you see a skinny person, and you're like, "Who cares?" Now I want...

• 3:57Andrew Santino?

  Cause they didn't, they didn't earn it.

• 3:58Speaker 05

  Muskles, that's what I mean. Well, I'm just kinda flopping around.

• 4:02Andrew Santino?

  ISP. The ISP, baby.

• 4:04Speaker 05

  What's the ISP of this address? Is that an internet thing? I look to you. Uh, yeah, now you see a skinny that didn't earn it, and I do kinda wanna do-

• 4:12Andrew Santino?

  It's bullshit.

• 4:13Speaker 05

  I wanna hit him with the ranch hose.

• 4:14Andrew Santino?

  You were a fat boy, that's why. You were a little fat boy, so you go-

• 4:18Speaker 05

  If you're the fattest boy in your class, you're the fat kid.

• 4:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it looks like Pete ate a home.

• 4:23Speaker 05

  Oh my god, have you eaten homes? More like gingerbread homes.

• 4:27Andrew Santino?

  Mean.

• 4:28Speaker 05

  They called me biter shaft.

• 4:31Andrew Santino?

  Sorry?

• 4:32Speaker 05

  We learned the parts of the penis. Two stories about this. One, they were like, it's the head, or in England, the bellend.

• 4:39Andrew Santino?

  Bellend.

• 4:40Speaker 05

  You're, you're right, bellend.

• 4:41Andrew Santino?

  You know, you are, you're a fucking bellend.

• 4:43Speaker 05

  And by the way, they would think these are awful, and to me, they're-

• 4:45Andrew Santino?

  No, mine's pretty close.

• 4:46Speaker 05

  They're perfect.

• 4:47Andrew Santino?

  Let me see, oh, you fucking bellend.

• 4:49Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 4:49Andrew Santino?

  I call, you know what they call a jacket potato? A baked potato, can you believe that? As if you-

• 4:54Speaker 05

  That's great.

• 4:55Andrew Santino?

  Well, you do bake it, don't you? There's no jacket on it. You can't zip up a potato's skin, can you?

• 5:01Speaker 05

  I like that you can't look at me to do it.

• 5:03Andrew Santino?

  Well, if I look at you, I'll laugh. If I look at you, I'm gonna crack.

• 5:06Speaker 05

  Hello?

• 5:07Andrew Santino?

  I've gotta look away when I do bellend.

• 5:09Speaker 05

  I know.

• 5:09Andrew Santino?

  All right then, all right then, fucking American. Right, you've got a potato, we like potato chips.

• 5:15Speaker 05

  That's what they think we are.

• 5:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 5:16Speaker 05

  I like potato chips.

• 5:18Andrew Santino?

  No, you know the one word they think we love? When I go do an American accent, when I'm over there, they always go-

• 5:22Speaker 05

  They do country.

• 5:23Andrew Santino?

  They go, "Well, hey dude, what's going on, dude, man?" That's how they, that's, they, that's what we say.

• 5:28Speaker 05

  And you're saying mate, which sounds like, "You fucking-" "England on blast!" "England on blast!"

• 5:36Andrew Santino?

  Shots fired.

• 5:37Speaker 05

  You got a lady on your money, what if that was my take? Shut the fuck up, you got a lady on your, I'm just kidding. I'm sure they're making new ones with the weird fucking guy.

• 5:47Andrew Santino?

  Lady's still on the money, Prince Andrew's still on the money, too.

• 5:50Speaker 05

  Prince Andrew on the money?

• 5:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 5:52Speaker 05

  Is this a, like a, he murdered somebody or something?

• 5:54Andrew Santino?

  Prince Andrew, he's an Epstein guy, he's Epstein guy.

• 5:56Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 5:57Andrew Santino?

  He's like the most famous Epstein-er, right?

• 5:59Speaker 05

  Prince Andrew, help me, is that Prince William's brother?

• 6:03Andrew Santino?

  It's, it's, Prince Andrew is-

• 6:06Speaker 05

  I don't know royal family. It's like knowing Pokemon.

• 6:09Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't know.

• 6:10Speaker 05

  Oh, you didn't find the armadillo? We have an armadillo in charge of our country. Fucking a whole country built on Pokemon Go.

• 6:18Andrew Santino?

  This is, this is Burr Trump. This is Bill Trump, Bill Trump.

• 6:23Speaker 05

  No, I'm serious, women shouldn't be in charge, I can say it, I'm married to a woman. That's.

• 6:30Andrew Santino?

  Who is he?

• 6:30Speaker 06

  He's Queen Elizabeth's son.

• 6:31Andrew Santino?

  Queen Elizabeth's son, right.

• 6:32Speaker 05

  Was on the Epi.

• 6:34Andrew Santino?

  Brother, he was like, he was one of the biggest dogs. They kicked him out of the royal family. He was so, he was so prevalent on the Epstein.

• 6:39Speaker 05

  He was so Epi.

• 6:39Andrew Santino?

  It's not like they were like, hey, this is all speculative and these are all accusations. No, brother. He's like, photos, hey, caught evidence. It's endless. And also, nothing will happen to him. Well, no, didn't they, did they try to jail him in England? Cause England is at least, they tried to, they tried to catch ya.

• 6:56Speaker 05

  Look, Flannin.

• 6:58Andrew Santino?

  Flannin, love Flannin. One of the, one of the greatest humans alive.

• 7:01Speaker 05

  Said in Belfast, you know how Flannin has like a tough, he has got a Belfast, like he's such a sweet, I love him to death.

• 7:07Andrew Santino?

  But he will catch him in a bad day.

• 7:09Speaker 05

  In a lock, stock and smoking barrel. Like I've seen him have to be like rough, kicking somebody out or whatever.

• 7:14Andrew Santino?

  Love.

• 7:15Speaker 05

  Nothing mean, appropriate, but he can get real focused and protective. Love Flannin to death. He's my favorite. He talked about in Belfast, he's like, if you are a pedophile in Belfast, if they find out, they, they put a note in your mailbox that says, how are your knees for dancing? And then if you don't stop, they take you in front of the whole town and break your fucking knees.

• 7:37Andrew Santino?

  That's amazing.

• 7:38Speaker 05

  And I'm just saying, I know it's the Belfast, it's the Belfast, handle it Belfast.

• 7:42Andrew Santino?

  The Belfast way.

• 7:43Speaker 05

  Do it fastly. Do it bell quickly. Bell palsy.

• 7:47Andrew Santino?

  Bell palsy fast.

• 7:48Speaker 05

  No.

• 7:48Andrew Santino?

  Cerebrally palsy.

• 7:49Speaker 05

  Cerebral jokes.

• 7:50Andrew Santino?

  Cerebral jokes.

• 7:50Speaker 05

  Keep the palsy, palsy wonderful. Um, Flannin, I, I, when you say, it is sort of fucked. I think like all cultures have always had something to do, to make, you know, to make it not a fucking thing. And we go like, oh, Epstein, how about pedophile island? Can we call it that?

• 8:09Andrew Santino?

  Can't do it.

• 8:10Speaker 05

  Pedophile island. I'm not even a political guy. The new, the new, the new special, it's all politics and you'll be shocked at my takes. Everyone's gonna love him. It's very impossible to do, but the Reds love him. Red hat.

• 8:23Andrew Santino?

  It's really hard to not do it.

• 8:25Speaker 05

  Trump?

• 8:25Andrew Santino?

  Cause it's everywhere.

• 8:26Speaker 05

  He talk funny.

• 8:27Andrew Santino?

  He talks so funny.

• 8:28Speaker 05

  He talk funny.

• 8:30Andrew Santino?

  He talk funny. He speak like a man who.

• 8:33Speaker 05

  He kinda looks like a rooster chicken, like a tan rooster chicken.

• 8:35Andrew Santino?

  It's getting better though. For some reason, it's getting more funny.

• 8:39Speaker 05

  Leghorn kinda?

• 8:40Andrew Santino?

  You would think with money and power, you'd figure it out. He goes the other way.

• 8:43Speaker 05

  When you hear reports of the smell too, like, like I believe he smells. He kinda looks like he might smell.

• 8:48Andrew Santino?

  What do you think? What, what is it? Take a wild guess.

• 8:51Speaker 05

  Sauerkraut? Nah, that's too veggie.

• 8:54Andrew Santino?

  No, it's too veggie, no.

• 8:56Speaker 05

  Ranch?

• 8:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Old Ranch. Old Ranch.

• 9:00Speaker 05

  Bad Valley should have stayed hidden, is all I'm saying.

• 9:07Andrew Santino?

  Old Ranch.

• 9:08Speaker 05

  I think you and I are at the point where we can do a podcast in 15 minutes.

• 9:11Andrew Santino?

  Maybe 20.

• 9:12Speaker 05

  Cause you're just like, what do I need? A couple laps, a little rapport, fun, fun, fun.

• 9:17Andrew Santino?

  But let's be real, for two seconds.

• 9:19Speaker 05

  Be real.

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  We have to plug Pete's amazing new special.

• 9:23Speaker 05

  Did you see it? You can say if you haven't seen it.

• 9:24Andrew Santino?

  I have not seen it.

• 9:25Speaker 05

  That's fine.

• 9:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you know I haven't seen it. You know why I haven't seen it?

• 9:28Speaker 05

  Too many things.

• 9:29Andrew Santino?

  You know, you know why?

• 9:30Speaker 05

  Still halfway through, prodigal daughter.

• 9:32Andrew Santino?

  Well, we just finished Pluribus last night.

• 9:34Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:35Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 9:38Speaker 05

  Uh, nothing bothered me more than Pluribus. That's why I liked watching it.

• 9:42Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I loved it so much. Well, it pissed you off.

• 9:44Speaker 05

  I just watched it to upset me.

• 9:45Andrew Santino?

  Because it's long and slow and low and endless.

• 9:47Speaker 05

  I just don't like how long, I wanted, I like competency porn.

• 9:51Andrew Santino?

  Oh, see, I like incompetency porn.

• 9:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, clearly.

• 9:54Andrew Santino?

  I like fumbling, I like...

• 9:55Speaker 05

  Where the dick just can't get in. Belly button. Like, they don't know what they're doing.

• 9:59Andrew Santino?

  It's the wrong hole, the whole thing.

• 10:01Speaker 05

  The whole thing's the wrong hole. Wrong hole, beautiful wrong hole. It's just the wrong hole.

• 10:05Andrew Santino?

  But Pluribus pissed you off, but you enjoyed it.

• 10:06Speaker 05

  I screamed at it. Once I realized that's what the show is, but like, when she was like, "Look, Pluribus spoiler coming in, okay?"

• 10:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's fine, it's been out. Oh, he's, don't listen.

• 10:18Speaker 05

  Skip forward, I'll be vague, I'll be vague. You won't know what I'm talking about.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  What she gets at the end, the season one cliffhanger.

• 10:27Andrew Santino?

  I know, that, that does bum me out. Who cares?

• 10:30Speaker 05

  Who fucking cares? They have two moves. One, season two starts and they just act like that didn't happen. Cause it's fucking dumb. If you can murder millions of them by being angry, you don't need to threaten with a...

• 10:41Andrew Santino?

  You don't need the bomb.

• 10:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:43Andrew Santino?

  Oh, sorry.

• 10:43Speaker 05

  Sorry.

• 10:44Andrew Santino?

  You don't need the thing.

• 10:44Speaker 05

  You don't need the...

• 10:45Andrew Santino?

  But let's say this.

• 10:46Speaker 05

  By the way, I don't even care, you'll still enjoy it, even, cause you see it coming about a mile away. Vincy Gill, wonderful, brilliant, genius. I loved every episode, but the way I, like, the guy that won't eat the food. He's like, "I will not eat the food." I'm like, "Fuck you, starve. Fuck you, starve." That's what the world is.

• 11:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  Nothing comes in clean.

• 11:09Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 11:09Speaker 05

  Give me a donut!

• 11:11Andrew Santino?

  Give me a donut.

• 11:11Speaker 05

  Really?

• 11:12Andrew Santino?

  Can we get flying a donut?

• 11:14Speaker 05

  That's the new take, "My wife, please. Give me a donut!" Really? Zoom in.

• 11:19Andrew Santino?

  I get it, I get it.

• 11:23Speaker 05

  I'll tell you the nine ethical vi- and I'm not saying we shouldn't try and be ethical. I'm just saying if you're in a world where everyone's a zombie, but they're bringing you great food and you're eating dog food, fuck you, fall on that tree, you fucking piece of shit.

• 11:36Andrew Santino?

  Dog food's gotta be terrible.

• 11:37Speaker 05

  Dog food?

• 11:37Andrew Santino?

  It's gotta be so-

• 11:38Speaker 05

  Dog food?

• 11:39Andrew Santino?

  Uh, terrible.

• 11:40Speaker 05

  You eat food and you go, what is this? For the dog? You're saying no continuity, some sort of gel coagulation.

• 11:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:49Speaker 05

  It's gross.

• 11:50Andrew Santino?

  It's gross.

• 11:51Speaker 05

  Remember in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood?

• 11:54Andrew Santino?

  When it slams down in there?

• 11:55Speaker 05

  Slams and you're like, why is everything Brad do make my puss wet? My bowl is my puss and that dog food just slapped it up.

• 12:03Andrew Santino?

  Slap it up!

• 12:04Speaker 05

  And he can fucking, I'll grab my toes and just let him, oh! Cuddling!

• 12:11Speaker 05

  Me and my wife do a lot of cuddling.

• 12:12Andrew Santino?

  I'll tell you what bothered me.

• 12:13Speaker 05

  Cuddling?

• 12:14Andrew Santino?

  Cuddlinging, cuddlinging.

• 12:16Speaker 05

  Is that in the routine?

• 12:17Andrew Santino?

  It's gonna be.

• 12:18Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 12:19Andrew Santino?

  Please watch the special, it's available right now.

• 12:21Speaker 05

  Silly, silly fun.

• 12:22Andrew Santino?

  It's available right now.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  It's on youtube.com, it's a website.

• 12:25Andrew Santino?

  And it's on your YouTube. Now-

• 12:27Speaker 05

  It's on my YouTube.

• 12:28Andrew Santino?

  It's on your YouTube.

• 12:29Speaker 05

  My YouTube.

• 12:29Andrew Santino?

  Let me say this.

• 12:31Speaker 05

  You haven't seen it, but you will like it.

• 12:33Andrew Santino?

  No, you know I'm gonna watch it. You know when I need to watch it, though?

• 12:35Speaker 05

  Throw it on audio only.

• 12:36Andrew Santino?

  No, do you know when I need to watch it?

• 12:37Speaker 05

  Fuck, who cares?

• 12:38Andrew Santino?

  When I'm in the hotel on the road. My favorite time to watch. In fact, wait, let me rewind real fast. I was sitting in my hotel.

• 12:45Speaker 05

  Did we get this from the Sopranos, like the-

• 12:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 12:47Speaker 05

  The way you kinda-

• 12:48Andrew Santino?

  Gonna tell you, let me tell you something.

• 12:50Speaker 05

  Like this?

• 12:50Andrew Santino?

  Hey, Tom.

• 12:51Speaker 05

  Hey, Tom.

• 12:52Andrew Santino?

  I was sitting in my hotel in Florida.

• 12:54Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 12:54Andrew Santino?

  Back when I did, uh, Off the Hook in Destin or wherever it was. Uh, and I called you, I called you or I texted you, this is many moons ago.

• 13:03Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 13:04Andrew Santino?

  And, um, nice try, the devil.

• 13:07Speaker 05

  And TD.

• 13:08Andrew Santino?

  That's yours.

• 13:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:09Andrew Santino?

  And I remember complimenting you on it and saying how, um-

• 13:13Speaker 05

  I think you're thinking of-

• 13:14Andrew Santino?

  Do you not remember this?

• 13:15Speaker 05

  I'm not for everyone.

• 13:16Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 13:17Speaker 05

  Oh, Nice Try the Devil.

• 13:18Andrew Santino?

  I'm almost positive it was Nice Try the Devil.

• 13:19Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 13:20Andrew Santino?

  And I had listened to it um on Spotify.

• 13:24Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 13:24Andrew Santino?

  Like I listened to the album.

• 13:25Speaker 05

  Oh, okay. Yes, I'm with you now.

• 13:26Andrew Santino?

  And I called and told you how glorious it made me feel because on the road is very hard and lonely sometimes. And I and I said, you know, I'm gonna put on Pete just to like have a gas.

• 13:36Speaker 05

  Gary Goman's.

• 13:37Andrew Santino?

  It feels so nice sometimes.

• 13:38Speaker 05

  Sometimes when you're doing a lot of comedy and you kinda, I'm not saying this is you, but I'll be like losing my way.

• 13:44Andrew Santino?

  Oh, no.

• 13:44Speaker 05

  My footing is shifting.

• 13:45Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:46Speaker 05

  I'm kinda like feeling, it's such a dream job and I'm feeling like a grinder. I'm just feeling like, ugh. Listening to another comedian that you like.

• 13:54Andrew Santino?

  Mm hmm.

• 13:55Speaker 05

  That inspires you. It'll, it's like getting a blood transfusion.

• 13:58Andrew Santino?

  It's it's an IV. I'm getting a drip.

• 13:59Speaker 05

  You get a pint of Goman, you get a pint of Holmes, so I'm very touched.

• 14:03Andrew Santino?

  It was, it was incredible and that's when I know I'm gonna watch you because I I can't watch people at home. Home gives me anxiety. I.

• 14:09Speaker 05

  No, no, no.

• 14:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 05

  I feel, the way that I get myself uh ready to do stand up is usually, if you go to a show, you're gonna go on. You're watching the people that are going up first. Like you might catch a couple of them. So when I watch stand up, I almost have like a Pavlovian response, like I'm up soon.

• 14:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 14:26Speaker 05

  Like it's not chill for me.

• 14:28Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 14:28Speaker 05

  But if I'm on the road and I'm already in coyote mode.

• 14:31Andrew Santino?

  It's great.

• 14:31Speaker 05

  I'm already a predator. I'm already a beautiful predator. He had, he had, yeah, yellow blood. Bleed out and it was acid. I have the same blood. That's the smell of ranch and blood, predator blood. It's not even good. It's just fun.

• 14:43Andrew Santino?

  But it's fun.

• 14:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, I know.

• 14:44Andrew Santino?

  It doesn't matter.

• 14:45Speaker 05

  Doesn't matter.

• 14:46Andrew Santino?

  But I want all of our fans, please do me a favor and go watch.

• 14:49Speaker 05

  Only fans.

• 14:49Andrew Santino?

  Go watch Pete Holmes.

• 14:50Speaker 05

  It's on my OnlyFans as well.

• 14:51Andrew Santino?

  It's on his OnlyFans as well.

• 14:52Speaker 05

  Cock out, same special, just a dangling.

• 14:54Andrew Santino?

  Twice or was it just cut well? It was edited really well.

• 14:57Speaker 05

  It was edited well.

• 14:58Andrew Santino?

  So the guy, so the cock out version was happening simultaneously.

• 15:01Speaker 05

  Cock out we did at noon.

• 15:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, a little matinee.

• 15:04Speaker 05

  Old people love a cock because they're like, look at how robust it is. Mine shriveled like a dried apricot. Is that a Coke can or his penis? My God, Pete Holmes has a big one. A baby I'm holding an apple is.

• 15:17Andrew Santino?

  It's the funny, it's Austin Powers, Mike Myers. What are you gonna pipe up and say?

• 15:20Speaker 06

  I was just gonna say, this is, I mean, there are reports on what Donald Trump smells like.

• 15:24Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 15:24Speaker 05

  Hit it.

• 15:25Speaker 06

  Uh, former Representative Adam Kinzinger described it as a mixture of armpits, ketchup, makeup, and a little butt.

• 15:32Andrew Santino?

  A little butt. And a little butt is very funny because you know what a little butt smells like.

• 15:37Speaker 05

  Can you know, like, when you hear something and has the ring of truth?

• 15:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 15:41Speaker 05

  Like if he was like, butt, ketchup, and who gives a shit? Like, you'd be like, oh, you're just trying to get in the news cycle?

• 15:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 15:48Speaker 05

  This is a man, I feel his desire to connect. Like, that's someone who came running in the house.

• 15:54Andrew Santino?

  You gotta hear this.

• 15:55Speaker 05

  And needed to unload.

• 15:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 05

  Ketchup?

• 15:57Andrew Santino?

  Armpits.

• 15:58Speaker 05

  Armpits, makeup, and a little butt. Something like, fuck.

• 16:02Andrew Santino?

  Do you know what this is? Have you, like, when I used to go run around, when I used to go run around, um, Silver Lake sometimes, and you'd pass someone, and you'd get a waft of some stank.

• 16:11Speaker 05

  Little butt.

• 16:11Andrew Santino?

  And a little bit of butt. That's what that is. It's a little butt. It's not a lot. It's just like a little, like a little waft of butt came by. A little tiny butt goes, hello.

• 16:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, it's not shit. It's actually butt.

• 16:20Andrew Santino?

  No, butt is different than shit.

• 16:21Speaker 05

  It's what butt does with shit.

• 16:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it gets it ready. Butt is prepping for shit.

• 16:25Speaker 05

  Butt is the kitchen we make the shit in. And we're just like, it smells like the kitchen.

• 16:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it smells like kitchen. Did you butt in here earlier? It smells like butt in here.

• 16:33Speaker 05

  Somebody butted in here. I know people that eat ass and they're like, I like butt. They like, like butt.

• 16:37Andrew Santino?

  Oh, a lot of people like the butt.

• 16:39Speaker 05

  They like, I know, yeah, but like, if I'm gonna, I'm gonna wanna.

• 16:44Andrew Santino?

  Your wife is listening.

• 16:45Speaker 05

  Okay, God, let's back this up. If I'm gonna eat Paul Rudd's asshole, again, zoom in, donuts. Okay, look, let's get off butt. But I'm just saying, I'm not at the place where I'm like, I love butt, like the ta, like the smell ta. I'd like it to be a neutral to zero, like a zero, like a La Croix, like a.

• 17:03Andrew Santino?

  I don't mind a plus one.

• 17:04Speaker 05

  You love a plus one?

• 17:05Andrew Santino?

  I don't mind a plus one.

• 17:06Speaker 05

  You want a La Croix, a La Croix level of butt?

• 17:09Andrew Santino?

  Because when you drink it, you go, ooh, spicy. I like a little bit of spice. Off the butt, off the butt, off the butt, off the butt.

• 17:16Speaker 05

  I understand.

• 17:16Andrew Santino?

  When you walk into someone's home.

• 17:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, you smell their butt.

• 17:18Andrew Santino?

  Favorite, favorite kitchen smell, least favorite kitchen smell. You walk in a house, by the way.

• 17:24Speaker 05

  Why do I feel like house smells were so much more the eighties? Now I feel like we're just, we got air purifiers.

• 17:29Andrew Santino?

  I'll tell you exactly why. Houses were much smaller back then. You walked into someone's house, you were already almost in the kitchen.

• 17:35Speaker 05

  You were, that's right.

• 17:36Andrew Santino?

  The front door was almost already in the kitchen.

• 17:37Speaker 05

  That is a fucking great observation.

• 17:40Andrew Santino?

  Now it's, now these houses, everybody wants a sprawling house and it's an open concept, but the kitchen's in the very far.

• 17:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's behind glass.

• 17:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you used to walk into a kitchen.

• 17:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. You were in the eighties, you went in a house, you're in the kitchen.

• 17:53Andrew Santino?

  In the kitchen, yeah.

• 17:54Speaker 05

  That's the eighties. And now it's like, we have to give you a tour before you even know there is a kitchen.

• 18:00Andrew Santino?

  Don't like that.

• 18:00Speaker 05

  Don't care for it.

• 18:01Speaker 06

  They also say it was a heavy use of synthetic materials like vinyl and synthetic carpet that trapped odors.

• 18:07Speaker 05

  Oh. What are you, I'm not making fun of you. What are you, deeply useful?

• 18:13Andrew Santino?

  He is extremely useful, yeah.

• 18:14Speaker 05

  That's deeply useful.

• 18:15Andrew Santino?

  But that is true because also the couches, the shit material of all the couches in our homes, they trapped the smells for days. And we used to smoke inside.

• 18:24Speaker 05

  Smoking inside.

• 18:25Andrew Santino?

  So all this stuff kind of ruminated, just like, but we've talked about this before. My dad used to smoke in the car and cloth seats were just the only way to live. No one I knew had leather seats, that was insane. And the smell of smoke in a cloth seat on a car, I will say, when the sun is beating on it, so good.

• 18:41Speaker 05

  If you're listening.

• 18:41Andrew Santino?

  That's why trash is finest, dude.

• 18:43Speaker 05

  If you're listening and you're driving an Uber or any sort of car and you smoke in your car and you think no one knows.

• 18:48Andrew Santino?

  These are Lyft drivers that mostly listen to us.

• 18:49Speaker 05

  Lyft drivers?

• 18:50Andrew Santino?

  Not Uber.

• 18:51Speaker 05

  Just know this, everyone is only thinking about how horrible it smells in your car. Sometimes you'll get like, I just was doing press for this, I wrote a kid's book called Spells to Cast on Your Parents. It's available for preorder now.

• 19:03Andrew Santino?

  That's incredible.

• 19:03Speaker 05

  I've done so many things.

• 19:04Andrew Santino?

  Did you really?

• 19:05Speaker 05

  I did.

• 19:05Andrew Santino?

  Spells to Cast on Your Parents is available for preorder, we're gonna have the link in the description down below, please buy that.

• 19:09Speaker 05

  I really, would you please, because it's like, books, what I mean is to the audience, like, please preorder it. It's so fun, it's a book you read with your kid and they cast spells on you. So you get to get laughs from your kid.

• 19:20Andrew Santino?

  Do you do this with your kid?

• 19:21Speaker 05

  I did it for my kid.

• 19:22Andrew Santino?

  That was like the temp, you were like, I'm gonna test it out.

• 19:24Speaker 05

  I bought a blank book from Amazon, you can just buy like blank books, and I made Spells to Cast on Your Parents. And I read it to Leela and she loved it, and we pitched it.

• 19:33Andrew Santino?

  What's your favorite spell to cast?

• 19:35Speaker 05

  Well, my, honestly, it's the sleepy spell. One of them makes you fall asleep and I just love an excuse to be like, great.

• 19:43Andrew Santino?

  Dad, you go to sleep, I do.

• 19:44Speaker 05

  I'm like, it's like the quiet game, it's the biggest trick, it's the oldest trick in the book.

• 19:48Andrew Santino?

  Or hide and not seek?

• 19:50Speaker 05

  Hide and I'll start seeking about seven or eight cigarettes. You'll know daddy's close when you smell Newport's.

• 19:58Speaker 05

  Is there anything fresher than a Newport? And they call a cigarette a Newport? Look, I'm anti-cigarette. I'm anti-cigarette.

• 20:05Andrew Santino?

  I think I'm ready for them to make a comeback.

• 20:07Speaker 05

  No, I'm JK. A lot of the Adam Driver types, the Chalamays, are smoking them.

• 20:11Andrew Santino?

  Is that big again?

• 20:12Speaker 05

  Because it's this rebellion against the vape. Against the vape. People don't like vape. They don't.

• 20:17Andrew Santino?

  It's analog. It's analog. It's old school. Yeah.

• 20:20Speaker 05

  And I'll tell you this. I don't want to encourage anyone to smoke, but when I see a young person smoking a cigarette, I'm gonna like, right on. If they have a Bush beer. They're listening to the Eagles and smoking a cigarette, I'm like, alright.

• 20:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 20:32Speaker 05

  Is my Brad Pitt dog bowl getting fucking rimmed right now?

• 20:37Andrew Santino?

  You're overflowing.

• 20:38Speaker 05

  Wow. Lig that coagulation. Lig? I don't say lick, I say lig.

• 20:44Andrew Santino?

  Lig.

• 20:45Speaker 05

  The worst smell, this is kinda gross, but I don't like when people are cooking like a soup that has so many ingredients, it becomes one, just like digestion track odor. I don't, I'm gonna say, not a lot of difference between a soup of a certain kind.

• 20:59Andrew Santino?

  Soup slop.

• 20:59Speaker 05

  And someone just took a fucking shit, dude. So that's my least favorite. You walk in, you're like, either, either something smells great, or Jesus Christ. Like, I don't know, it's the same smell.

• 21:10Andrew Santino?

  It's the same smell.

• 21:11Speaker 05

  It's the same smell. Thank you.

• 21:12Andrew Santino?

  The only smell that really turns me on when I walk past a house is the smell of a barbecue.

• 21:18Speaker 05

  A barbecue, yeah.

• 21:18Andrew Santino?

  When something's grilling, I don't even care what's on the grill, I'm like, phew.

• 21:22Speaker 05

  I agree. A grill is great.

• 21:24Andrew Santino?

  It takes you back in your mind to a time when you had a really fun barbecue.

• 21:27Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 21:28Andrew Santino?

  You know what I mean? And you were like, oh my god.

• 21:30Speaker 05

  At barbecue, barbecues are one of the few things in life that don't disappoint.

• 21:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 21:35Speaker 05

  It's outside and you're being overfed. We're just fucking basic bitches.

• 21:39Andrew Santino?

  Perfect.

• 21:40Speaker 05

  Just, keep me outside with friends, but like, kinda, it's mostly about potato chips, like I see a lot of ketchup.

• 21:46Andrew Santino?

  Lot of dips. Lot of dips. Lot of dips. My god, lot of dips.

• 21:50Speaker 05

  I wish I could see Fat Pete growing up. The first time I ate dip, I was like, you mean there's just a fucking Tupperware of mayonnaise? And wait.

• 21:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 21:59Speaker 05

  You get like a serving? No, it just sits there and as long as you're hooked up to it like a Tesla charger, you can just keep fucking, I'm 30 minutes till full.

• 22:09Andrew Santino?

  And no one can say no.

• 22:10Speaker 05

  No one knows.

• 22:11Andrew Santino?

  No one knows.

• 22:11Speaker 05

  No one knows. The plate doesn't get involved. It's, it's direct to consumer, mayonnaise with a little bit of dill?

• 22:20Andrew Santino?

  Ugh.

• 22:21Speaker 05

  That's where Britain, fuck off, has it right. They just put like mayonnaise, at least they did in like the 80s.

• 22:26Andrew Santino?

  They do, but they still do mayo on everything. Mayo on fries, by the way, very underrated. I don't know why we don't do that.

• 22:31Speaker 05

  I think we're in. I think that's in.

• 22:32Andrew Santino?

  We try to, but most of the time now you get naoli or something like that. They don't want to slop just mayo because they feel like it's classless.

• 22:38Speaker 05

  Fucking give me the goddamn Hellmann's in the, I want to, I want to, into the bag. By the way, I'm very anti-milk duds in the popcorn. I just wanna, I wanna be out here.

• 22:48Andrew Santino?

  You're pissing me off. You don't like candy in the popcorn?

• 22:50Speaker 05

  Here's why, Santino.

• 22:55Speaker 05

  I don't want a greasy, buttery, melty milk dud. I am a grown fucking man and I know when I want a milk dud. I don't need to find it like a truffle pig.

• 23:05Andrew Santino?

  I think it's so fun to search.

• 23:07Speaker 05

  It's not fun. It's fucking dumb.

• 23:08Andrew Santino?

  Because you don't like to hear me in the theater going.

• 23:10Speaker 05

  That's part of it. That's part of it, baby.

• 23:13Andrew Santino?

  I like sprinkling, well, actually the milk duds aren't my go-to anymore because of the the stickiness of the teeth. I prefer Bunch of Crunch.

• 23:21Speaker 05

  Oh, the crunch.

• 23:22Andrew Santino?

  I love Bunch of Crunch.

• 23:23Speaker 05

  I think Bunch of Crunch has a bad box.

• 23:26Andrew Santino?

  It's a shit box. It's narrow and it's a shit box.

• 23:29Speaker 05

  I, I think the art on the box doesn't look as good as it is.

• 23:33Andrew Santino?

  It's not inviting, no.

• 23:34Speaker 05

  It kinda says like, I'm a video game or something. It looks like.

• 23:37Andrew Santino?

  Well, right, like this is also Minecraft.

• 23:40Speaker 05

  It looks like I need to know Minecraft to eat it. But if, I'm designing it, I'm designing it in my mind, like there's a better Bunch of Crunch box.

• 23:48Andrew Santino?

  Who's got the best box?

• 23:49Speaker 05

  The best box is maybe.

• 23:51Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I know what it is.

• 23:52Speaker 05

  I don't wanna, I don't wanna rush my answer. I was gonna say Milk Duds, cuz it's a classic.

• 23:55Andrew Santino?

  Let's say it on three.

• 23:56Speaker 05

  Wait, wait, let me think of it.

• 23:58Andrew Santino?

  Oh, cuz I know it right away. You see it in the theater every time and right away.

• 24:00Speaker 05

  Three, two, one.

• 24:01Andrew Santino?

  Swedish Fish. Swedish Fish.

• 24:03Speaker 05

  Swedish Fish is a very good box.

• 24:05Andrew Santino?

  It's yellow, it's bright, it's bright red, it's perfect.

• 24:08Speaker 05

  I agree.

• 24:08Speaker 06

  Bunch of crunch gets stuck cuz it's a box. Like, the way like-

• 24:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they get stuck in a box. It should be in a bag.

• 24:13Speaker 05

  But I also like the box. If I get a Sour Patch Kid in SPK, I'll open the fucking condom-

• 24:20Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:20Speaker 05

  And dump 'em raw dog into the box, cuz I like the-

• 24:24Andrew Santino?

  You like to shake it around.

• 24:25Speaker 05

  I wanna know where I am.

• 24:25Andrew Santino?

  See, Reese's-

• 24:26Speaker 05

  I wanna know where I am.

• 24:27Andrew Santino?

  Reese's is my problem.

• 24:28Speaker 05

  The bag lies to you. It crinkles the same when there's one and when there's thirty. I need to know. The box says one. The bag says full. Either way, one. I'm fucked off. There's a new Trump expression. And now I'm fucked off.

• 24:41Andrew Santino?

  And now I'm fucked off.

• 24:43Speaker 05

  That's very good. That's actually good!

• 24:44Andrew Santino?

  I'm fucked off. I've been fucked off.

• 24:47Speaker 05

  I'm actually fucked off right now. That would make me so endeared to him.

• 24:51Andrew Santino?

  Reese's is problem is cuz you rip that bag, it's too much rip opens up, right?

• 24:55Speaker 05

  Oh, I like a Reese's box. The one that looks like it might be like a Japanese toothpaste.

• 25:00Andrew Santino?

  Well, see, you're being skinny boy because I like the bag cuz the bags are bigger.

• 25:03Speaker 05

  I love the feed bag.

• 25:04Andrew Santino?

  The feed bag has more Reese's in it.

• 25:05Speaker 05

  What are you fucking nuts? I have a joke where I go, "I don't eat candy cuz I'm a grown fucking man." Unless I go to the movies. I go to the movies, I'm gonna be real right now. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be real. I was gonna say eighty, it's actually ninety percent to eat candy.

• 25:20Andrew Santino?

  Me too.

• 25:22Andrew Santino?

  You know how excited I get when I-

• 25:24Speaker 05

  Ninety percent to eat fucking candy!

• 25:25Andrew Santino?

  It's almost always for me to snack.

• 25:27Speaker 05

  In the dark, with a fucking ten gallon paint bucket of popcorn, Reese's. Sometimes I go get another Reese's-

• 25:35Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I've done it.

• 25:36Speaker 05

  Cuz I didn't make it through the previews. I always play a game. Make it through the previews. I always lose.

• 25:40Andrew Santino?

  I eat it every single time.

• 25:41Speaker 05

  Gone!

• 25:42Andrew Santino?

  Well, why doesn't-

• 25:43Speaker 05

  Before I've seen what new thing Duck Shepard is in. It's gone.

• 25:49Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 25:52Andrew Santino?

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• 26:34Andrew Santino?

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• 27:04Speaker 04

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 27:07Speaker 05

  The joke goes, if, maybe you can help me with it. It's not, it's not done. It's like not the hour I'm, so the hour I'm promoting, the special Silly, Silly Fun Boy, the hour I'm touring, the next hour, so it's like the most uncooked, barely anything. So maybe you can help me.

• 27:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 05

  So this is two hours later.

• 27:24Andrew Santino?

  Two hours, two hours later, two hours after.

• 27:26Speaker 05

  I go, if you saw me in the park, eating a fucking paint bucket of popcorn and Reese's Pieces, just broad daylight, you'd think I was an active shooter. That's pretty good, right? It's shocking enough to be like, it's insane, but in the dark.

• 27:40Andrew Santino?

  Is it pre-shoot or post-shoot?

• 27:41Speaker 05

  It's, it's definitely pre.

• 27:43Andrew Santino?

  Pre.

• 27:43Speaker 05

  Carbo load.

• 27:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you got a carb load. I know, I'm sorry.

• 27:47Speaker 05

  Don't, there's certain punchlines that are right at the edge. And if you just like tag it.

• 27:52Andrew Santino?

  You keep going, they're like, ah, get back here. He's jumping.

• 27:54Speaker 05

  We have, human beings are remarkable creatures. And, and when we talk about being offended and all that sort of stuff, there's, oh, there's that. But there's also like, how are we all so good, really? At getting en masse, getting in a group and knowing what's really over the line. We're very good at it.

• 28:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 28:12Speaker 05

  Even if you think intellectually, I'm offended at an active thing. But like, your laugh will betray you. You'll, you'll still laugh at that. But then if you ta- tag it, everyone knows it's two parts. You know what I'm trying to say?

• 28:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, cause you take them right to the edge because you're saying, I look like an active shooter. A, they know you're not, and B, they haven't heard it or seen it yet. It hasn't happened yet. So once you touch the.

• 28:31Speaker 05

  Heard it or seen it?

• 28:31Andrew Santino?

  It hasn't happened in the joke. You haven't described.

• 28:34Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 28:35Andrew Santino?

  So they don't visualize it.

• 28:36Speaker 05

  You're, it's just the door.

• 28:37Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:38Speaker 05

  To tragedy.

• 28:39Andrew Santino?

  Don't, don't go inside there.

• 28:40Speaker 05

  That's, don't go in.

• 28:41Andrew Santino?

  But it's right there.

• 28:41Speaker 05

  I couldn't agree more.

• 28:43Andrew Santino?

  And by the way, paint bucket, good, good, good, good.

• 28:46Speaker 05

  Nine gallon paint bucket.

• 28:47Andrew Santino?

  But, but.

• 28:48Speaker 05

  Ten gallon?

• 28:48Andrew Santino?

  Home Depot has those buckets. And a Home Depot bucket is almost.

• 28:52Speaker 05

  Bucket is iconic.

• 28:53Andrew Santino?

  It's like synonymous with like, if they, if Home Depot did movie theater popcorn, I bet you my life, everyone would get one. They'd be like, I gotta get the Home Depot bucket of popcorn. It's just funny as fuck.

• 29:02Speaker 05

  Can I tell you something?

• 29:03Andrew Santino?

  That classic orange bucket, we all have one in our garage.

• 29:06Speaker 05

  Funny.

• 29:07Andrew Santino?

  I have that bucket.

• 29:07Speaker 05

  It's clean. It says on the sign, it's clean.

• 29:09Andrew Santino?

  It's clean, it's clean, it's a clean bucket.

• 29:11Speaker 05

  Also, where I go is, that's way too much popcorn to make a profit. No.

• 29:15Andrew Santino?

  No chance.

• 29:15Speaker 05

  Popcorn costs zero cents.

• 29:17Andrew Santino?

  Zero dollars, zero cents.

• 29:19Speaker 05

  People are like, please take our popcorn.

• 29:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:21Speaker 05

  It's just old corn.

• 29:24Speaker 05

  What if that was my take? It's just old corn.

• 29:27Andrew Santino?

  And that's why it's healthy, it's old corn. No one wants old corn.

• 29:30Speaker 05

  Can I say this?

• 29:31Andrew Santino?

  We've got the newest old corn. Our corn's the newest.

• 29:35Speaker 05

  They gave it to us, they called it maize.

• 29:36Andrew Santino?

  It's maize?

• 29:38Speaker 05

  He has like a beautiful kind of respect, indigenous respect. Like what?

• 29:43Andrew Santino?

  Or on stolen land and we'll be eating new popcorn, I want to tell you that.

• 29:47Speaker 05

  Woke Trump.

• 29:48Andrew Santino?

  It was Woke Trump? Woke Trump? Before I start this press interview.

• 29:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:54Andrew Santino?

  Before we kick this off, I'd like to pay respects to those that lived on this land before us. Please a moment of silence for the Woganda people.

• 30:03Speaker 05

  Would you? But he says Woganda, the Condon. He goes, fucking Black Panther.

• 30:07Andrew Santino?

  Uh, President Trump, do you mean Black Panther? He's like, we also love them as well.

• 30:12Speaker 05

  The Black Panthers love me.

• 30:13Andrew Santino?

  Black Panthers love me.

• 30:14Speaker 05

  You would say that. The Wogandans love me. They call me unobtanium. Wait, that's Avatar. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. It is funny to think of Trump watching Avatar. Any movie.

• 30:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, any movie.

• 30:27Speaker 05

  Because, because when you're watching a movie, you're letting it fuck you. This is why all hecklers are guys.

• 30:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:34Speaker 05

  Cause they're like, you're gonna fuck me? You're gonna fuck me? How about this? You look like a piece of shit. They're trying to get back a little cock.

• 30:42Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 30:42Speaker 05

  I don't believe this, by the way. I just think it's an extreme way of saying you're giving yourself to something.

• 30:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:50Speaker 05

  And it's hard for me to think of Trump being like, no, dim the lights. Killers of the flower moon. The flower of the killing moon, Leo. Oh, he's, I get the sense he's got a medium penis. Don't you get a medium penis from Leo? I don't, I just don't think it's a honker. I think Brad's a honker.

• 31:07Andrew Santino?

  I actually disagree.

• 31:09Speaker 05

  You think Leo's got BDE?

• 31:13Andrew Santino?

  No, he's got an extremely regular, I mean, it's so neutral.

• 31:16Speaker 05

  I, that's kinda what I mean.

• 31:17Andrew Santino?

  And Brad does too. You know, like, you know, you know how you know a guy has a big old schlongy dong?

• 31:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, Pete Davidson.

• 31:26Andrew Santino?

  Is because he's, it's true.

• 31:28Speaker 05

  No, no comment.

• 31:29Andrew Santino?

  He does.

• 31:29Speaker 05

  That's how ordinary that observation is.

• 31:31Andrew Santino?

  But it's because he doesn't project, I've got a big schlongy dong.

• 31:35Speaker 05

  PDD.

• 31:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because big dick energy is a kind of a false narrative that's been perpetuated by people being like, you have a big personality, you must have a big penis. Not true.

• 31:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:43Andrew Santino?

  Most guys I know that have big wieners, a good friend of mine, Kyle, I won't say your last name. We called him, we called him the elephant, cause in high school, he had a fucking elephant trunk for a, and I'm not kidding.

• 31:55Speaker 05

  Picking up an apple.

• 31:56Andrew Santino?

  It was hysterical to watch.

• 31:57Speaker 05

  His ding dong.

• 31:58Andrew Santino?

  It was, it was comical.

• 32:00Speaker 05

  Took him 40 minutes to wash.

• 32:01Andrew Santino?

  And you know what? He was embarrassed.

• 32:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course.

• 32:04Andrew Santino?

  He was embar, like, people made the joke and publicly he was like, can you stop telling people about that?

• 32:09Speaker 05

  The dork at high school who wears a cape and he has a sword? That's a big dick.

• 32:14Andrew Santino?

  That's a huge dick. But like, but-

• 32:17Speaker 05

  Nerd dick.

• 32:17Andrew Santino?

  Nerd dick is massive.

• 32:19Speaker 05

  You know the nerd, and I say this with respect. The nerd couple in high school that like, found each other? Like, there were two freaks. I say freaks as a freaky kinda-

• 32:28Andrew Santino?

  Freaks because they're different.

• 32:29Speaker 05

  Freaks because they like it. They lean to hear it. They don't hear sound, they smell fear. The two fucking freaks find each other. They're both pale and they're kinda- They're melting a little bit. And there's a cape one, and then there's the book one, and there's the thick and the bah. And then they find each other, and now they're just the most sexually active-

• 32:48Andrew Santino?

  Horniest people on earth.

• 32:49Speaker 05

  You just see them sixty-nining in the hallway. And you're just like, "Jesus Christ, does he know he has a big one?"

• 32:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 32:56Speaker 05

  And the quarterback goes by, spinning a football on his finger, and you're like-

• 32:59Andrew Santino?

  "What's up, dork?"

• 33:00Speaker 05

  "Micro dick."

• 33:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that guy's got micro dick. Dork dick is huge.

• 33:03Speaker 05

  Dork dick is fucking pie.

• 33:06Andrew Santino?

  Dork dick is- It never stops. It goes on and on and on.

• 33:09Speaker 05

  Three, four, one, four, eight, nine, seven, two. If you know pie, I'm just kidding. I have a friend who knows pie to like, seventy-two digits, and I'm like-

• 33:17Andrew Santino?

  Autistic or not?

• 33:18Speaker 05

  Not.

• 33:19Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 33:19Speaker 05

  Why?

• 33:21Andrew Santino?

  How do you go that far? This is just memorized it.

• 33:23Speaker 05

  Some people just love pie.

• 33:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm not a big fan.

• 33:25Speaker 05

  Not in the way that I love pie.

• 33:27Andrew Santino?

  Don't put me in front of a pie.

• 33:29Speaker 05

  Pie is better than cake. Why? But it doesn't travel as well as cake.

• 33:33Andrew Santino?

  Pie is much better than cake because pie is also an accom- an accompanied dessert, right? Pie with ice cream.

• 33:39Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 33:39Andrew Santino?

  Pie and whipped cream. Pie and, and-

• 33:41Speaker 05

  Coffee.

• 33:41Andrew Santino?

  Fruit and coffee.

• 33:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:43Andrew Santino?

  You can, you can pair it well.

• 33:44Speaker 05

  Cake is going around just like, "I'm enough." It's like Bruce Springsteen.

• 33:47Andrew Santino?

  "Is it me?"

• 33:49Speaker 05

  It's Bruce.

• 33:49Andrew Santino?

  It's Bruce.

• 33:50Speaker 05

  It's Bruce. He's like, "I just got my guitar." That's, that's cake.

• 33:53Andrew Santino?

  That's cake.

• 33:53Speaker 05

  Pie is fucking, the black-eyed peas.

• 33:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 33:58Speaker 05

  But it doesn't travel well.

• 33:59Andrew Santino?

  Does not. And they don't either. They don't sell well overseas, so-

• 34:02Speaker 05

  Oh, really?

• 34:03Andrew Santino?

  No, I have no idea. They probably do.

• 34:05Speaker 05

  I love a made-up fact. Nobody eats pie outside of the States.

• 34:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they don't, they're not allowed to.

• 34:10Speaker 05

  They're not allowed to.

• 34:11Andrew Santino?

  I saw, you know what I watched last night? Begrudgingly. Begrudgingly.

• 34:15Speaker 05

  I'm gonna work it in.

• 34:16Andrew Santino?

  Silly See Fun on YouTube, I did not watch yet, and I'm gonna watch it. I watched last night, I watched the, uh-

• 34:22Speaker 05

  Claribus.

• 34:23Andrew Santino?

  Hillel, my brother Hillel, the, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, uh, documentary.

• 34:28Speaker 05

  Hillel, like, kosher, like-

• 34:30Andrew Santino?

  Hillel was the guitarist for the Red Chili Peppers who died of an overdose. Oh, shouldn't say that, that's, but you know, if you know the band, you know. He dies of an overdose at a very young age. He was like, the integral part of the Chili Peppers.

• 34:39Speaker 05

  Oh, wait, he's in the, under the bridge, he's at the beginning.

• 34:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, I think he's dead at that point.

• 34:45Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 34:46Andrew Santino?

  I don't know if he died before. I think he died before they did, wrote that song. I have no idea.

• 34:50Speaker 05

  Here, let's just get good audio on me scratching.

• 34:52Andrew Santino?

  He died in nineteen eighty-eight. Eighty-eight, yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 05

  So he was in like Mother Love Bone to Pearl Jam. He was like.

• 34:58Andrew Santino?

  That's kind of, that is actually very true. He was kind of, he was kind of on the crux of when Perry Farrell and Janes was coming to fruition. They were becoming friends with Flea. It's actually a fascinating story, but the thing that bothered me about.

• 35:09Speaker 05

  This is a documentary?

• 35:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the thing that bothered me about this, and I noted this. Chad Smith, the drummer.

• 35:16Speaker 05

  Will Ferrell.

• 35:17Andrew Santino?

  Yes, Will Ferrell.

• 35:19Speaker 05

  Great drummer, by the way. It's a shame that someone is like, oh, the Will Ferrell guy, fucking smashing the drums.

• 35:24Andrew Santino?

  He's so good. He joined post the death of Hillel. I'm almost positive. But he's been in the band since nineteen eighty-eight.

• 35:32Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 35:34Andrew Santino?

  Isn't spoken about once, doesn't even do an interview once. Now, did he know Hillel? Maybe didn't know him. He joined the band after his death. But it made me think, how weird to be in the band for forty fucking years.

• 35:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:44Andrew Santino?

  And they're not like, can we get a little piece of you talking about this? And he didn't. So my, my brain goes to, is he like, I don't want to talk about that?

• 35:53Speaker 05

  It could be.

• 35:54Andrew Santino?

  It's interesting.

• 35:54Speaker 05

  I know there are people that are that way about Farley, like they, they don't want to like romanticize it. I'm not saying that this documentary romanticized it, but like, remember Bob Odenkirk in the Farley documentary was like, yeah, this isn't cute.

• 36:07Andrew Santino?

  It was really, it was sad. It was very sad.

• 36:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Well, you can tell he's speaking from a wounded place and he's like, great, let's like, you know, it's like, how do you cover things? It has a lot to do with the thing, the interpretation of the thing.

• 36:20Andrew Santino?

  And people also don't know what the person was actually like. So when somebody goes, oh, that guy.

• 36:25Speaker 05

  I'll say as someone who's known a lot of wild fucking, and they make great books and great documentaries, like when you're with them, you're like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like, I can say with full confidence, and I love Christopher Arley, that there were a lot of people that were like, oh my god. You know what I mean?

• 36:43Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah.

• 36:43Speaker 05

  When you're out of your mind on, and these are, these are addicts as an illness, I understand that, but like, it's not always, you know.

• 36:50Andrew Santino?

  This is amazing!

• 36:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, Matt Foley. It, it, it goes to a dark place, and I'm glad Odenkirk said that. What, the tone just shifted, is it bad?

• 36:58Andrew Santino?

  You know, we're allowed to go back and forth.

• 36:59Speaker 05

  We're allowed to go back and forth, it's like sex.

• 37:02Andrew Santino?

  Well, you have to go up and down with sex.

• 37:04Speaker 05

  Well, actually, you can kind of keep it in and like do subtle thrusts.

• 37:07Andrew Santino?

  You're talking about soaking. Soaking is big in the Mormon community.

• 37:11Speaker 05

  Huge. Oh yeah, they put it in.

• 37:13Andrew Santino?

  Put it in, they make someone go under the bed and bounce them. Then God, then God knows, it wasn't my fault. It's an earthquake!

• 37:20Speaker 05

  I will say, sometimes it's the God believing people that condescend the most to God. Like, if, if I'm God, I would prefer you not believe in me

• 37:33Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 37:33Speaker 05

  than believe in me and think that I'm like, oh, that guy's just keeping his dick warm in a pussy, and somebody is bouncing the bed because, I don't know, they must be cleaning?

• 37:42Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 37:42Speaker 05

  Like, we had that in my Christian college, the, the loophole, God's loophole, which is the asshole.

• 37:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the butthole, yeah.

• 37:47Speaker 05

  People are hardcore anal fucking, and they're like, I'm a virgin? Like, what kind of, for real?

• 37:55Andrew Santino?

  A lawyer.

• 37:56Speaker 05

  Please consider what kind of God is like, I speci- oh, it's up the butt. No worries. I said no sex, not jizzing up a hot brown one. Jizzing up a hot brown one, is that in Genesis? No, no, that's on me, I should have been more clear. I hate the vagina. I hate the vagina! Look at how I made it, of course I hate it! Look at it!

• 38:23Andrew Santino?

  I think about my neighbors only hearing, I hate the vagina at peak volume. I wore the shirt just for you, by the way.

• 38:28Speaker 05

  Which one?

• 38:29Andrew Santino?

  Godspeed.

• 38:29Speaker 05

  I saw that, I-

• 38:30Andrew Santino?

  I wore that for you.

• 38:31Speaker 05

  I tracked it immediately.

• 38:32Andrew Santino?

  Because I, because I wanted, I was, I was inquiring, I do want to know. I actually picked it out this morning and I thought, I've worn this shirt before, but I haven't worn it in a while, and I thought, what is the speed of God? When somebody says Godspeed?

• 38:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:42Andrew Santino?

  What does this mean?

• 38:44Speaker 05

  I think it means, I know my man is gonna look it up.

• 38:47Andrew Santino?

  He's gonna look it up.

• 38:48Speaker 05

  But I'm gonna say it's like, speed is like go, God is go with God.

• 38:52Andrew Santino?

  Go with God.

• 38:53Speaker 05

  Go with God.

• 38:53Andrew Santino?

  See, I interpreted it as...

• 38:54Speaker 05

  Like adios, to God.

• 38:56Andrew Santino?

  The speed of God to me, when somebody goes, "Godspeed," means the all encompassing of God's greatness. So to me, it's like somebody saying, "I hope you're able to encompass the greatness of God."

• 39:08Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 39:09Andrew Santino?

  Like, "Godspeed, good luck," it means kind of like a...

• 39:11Speaker 05

  Okay, I like that a lot.

• 39:12Andrew Santino?

  Can you be, can you, can you try to...

• 39:15Speaker 05

  I like that.

• 39:15Andrew Santino?

  Be that?

• 39:16Speaker 05

  I thought you were gonna be like, "As the falcon flies," like you thought it was a measure...

• 39:20Andrew Santino?

  No, not a measurement.

• 39:21Speaker 05

  A bow shot away.

• 39:22Andrew Santino?

  No, I think it means that this...

• 39:23Speaker 05

  A bow shot away!

• 39:24Andrew Santino?

  This metaphorical circle to me of like, God's speed.

• 39:27Speaker 05

  You can eat it, there's no plate involved, nobody knows.

• 39:30Andrew Santino?

  But speed can be both. Because you look at a tachometer of a car, right? Why, it's in a circle.

• 39:35Speaker 05

  Tachometer.

• 39:36Andrew Santino?

  The, the, the... Attack, attack on a car that shows you your speed.

• 39:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:41Andrew Santino?

  Why is it in a circle?

• 39:43Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 39:43Andrew Santino?

  So to me, it's like a...

• 39:45Speaker 05

  Oh, it could have been like an empty full.

• 39:46Andrew Santino?

  Exactly.

• 39:47Speaker 05

  But we like that it goes back...

• 39:49Andrew Santino?

  We like the idea that I can, how much can we, what does it mean?

• 39:52Speaker 05

  Go to Godspeed.

• 39:53Speaker 06

  It originated from Middle English. The oldest detected use of the phrase is found in a 1300s text from Lancelot.

• 39:59Speaker 05

  All right, the Green Knight.

• 40:00Speaker 06

  Saying, "He may bid God me speed," which the University of Rochester translates to "ask God to grant me success."

• 40:08Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 40:08Andrew Santino?

  Well, kind of close to what I'm saying, the speed of, the speed of the...

• 40:11Speaker 05

  The success, the wholeness.

• 40:13Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 40:13Speaker 05

  Well, there's a lot of, like, it's funny, in our language, there's things like, you know, oversight.

• 40:21Speaker 05

  What is it called when somebody is like a manager that's supervisor?

• 40:25Andrew Santino?

  Oh, supervisor.

• 40:25Speaker 05

  These are like shamanic terms. It's like the shaman, I know people, white people say shamanic. But like, they take mushrooms or they take a lot of something and they get like, you get that feeling. Like Ron Funches has a great joke about mushrooms are like, they pick you up out of the maze. Like you're a rat in the maze and it picks you up. It gives you oversight. But we still have that, like, can you understand something? Can you get underneath it? So there's like space in our language. Can you be a supervisor? Am I pitting?

• 40:50Andrew Santino?

  No, you're good.

• 40:51Speaker 05

  Am I pitting?

• 40:51Andrew Santino?

  Not in that shirt.

• 40:52Speaker 05

  Not in this shirt, you'll never know. You'll never know. Did you see those clips where I made fun of Bobby? I wanted to make you proud. When he said David Spade's my friend and I just was like.

• 41:02Andrew Santino?

  The Montclair jacket was one of the funniest jokes. Yeah, I was dying.

• 41:06Speaker 05

  I felt like I was trying to represent.

• 41:08Andrew Santino?

  You also called me after you did the interview. We talked for like 20 minutes about it.

• 41:11Speaker 05

  Well, that was because I was like, what is this guy?

• 41:13Andrew Santino?

  It made me laugh so hard.

• 41:14Speaker 05

  I love Bobby, but I am confused by him.

• 41:18Andrew Santino?

  I don't, I think part of that it was deliberate for many years and then now it's truly who he is. He is very confusing and confused.

• 41:25Speaker 05

  Like he used to just be kinda like a kooky man.

• 41:27Andrew Santino?

  Now he's very confused himself. I think he, like all of us, we're trying to, we have different moments of life where we're trying to re-figure out. I don't like the midlife crisis term, but like we're all going through many little crises where we're like.

• 41:37Speaker 05

  But he's like 60.

• 41:38Andrew Santino?

  He's 54, 54. He's going through a, well, for him, Asians, he'll live, that's half.

• 41:44Speaker 05

  You think?

• 41:45Andrew Santino?

  He'll live to be 108. Don't you think he'll be 108?

• 41:47Speaker 05

  He's gonna, you're basing this, how much on Miyagi? 100?

• 41:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I think he'll live to be 108. What does it say?

• 41:52Speaker 06

  South Korea has the world's highest, uh, one of the world's highest life expectancy is reaching 83.5 to 83.7 years.

• 42:00Andrew Santino?

  On average.

• 42:01Speaker 05

  On average.

• 42:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but that, but.

• 42:02Speaker 05

  That's very good.

• 42:02Andrew Santino?

  The big dogs live to be a honey.

• 42:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:04Andrew Santino?

  And my people, the Irish lads, we're out of here by 66, 67.

• 42:09Speaker 05

  It's called polite. It's the Irish goodbye. Goodbye. The ultimate Irish goodbye. I don't wanna bother you.

• 42:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I gotta get out of here.

• 42:17Speaker 05

  Louis had a great bit where he's like, one of your parents is gonna die first and it's not the one you want.

• 42:21Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 42:22Speaker 05

  Isn't that hilarious?

• 42:23Andrew Santino?

  And the other one will never fucking die.

• 42:26Speaker 05

  And he brought it in. It's like, it is impolite.

• 42:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 42:29Speaker 05

  No! Keep smelling this!

• 42:34Speaker 05

  Change the gauze! Like it's fucking.

• 42:37Andrew Santino?

  It's wild.

• 42:37Speaker 05

  I hope some of them love it. Like if it's just the ultimate like, whoops, there's something in my pan for you. And they're just like fucking ripped on power.

• 42:46Andrew Santino?

  But that's why you've told your daughter that you will walk into the woods and die alone and be away from her. So she doesn't have to deal with it.

• 42:52Speaker 05

  She slathers me with honey. This is the deal. She slathers me with salmon and honey and she ties my feet so I can only do little hops. And then we have a duck call because bears love ducks.

• 43:04Andrew Santino?

  They love ducks.

• 43:04Speaker 05

  They love a duck.

• 43:21Speaker 00

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• 43:36Speaker 01

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• 44:06Speaker 05

  Duck Dynasty, is that still on?

• 44:08Andrew Santino?

  Should be. If it's not, I've got, I hope it's still on.

• 44:10Speaker 05

  Are they Korean?

• 44:11Andrew Santino?

  Half.

• 44:12Speaker 05

  Those guys are going for the distance.

• 44:14Andrew Santino?

  They really are.

• 44:15Speaker 05

  They're going the distance.

• 44:16Andrew Santino?

  They're quacking out there.

• 44:17Speaker 05

  I shouldn't riff on things I don't know. I don't know anything.

• 44:20Andrew Santino?

  No, you know a lot of stuff, actually.

• 44:21Speaker 05

  No, I don't follow anything in the news. So like, when you were like, the prince that's on the Epstein.

• 44:26Andrew Santino?

  Prince Andrew, yeah, you didn't hear about that.

• 44:28Speaker 05

  Well, you know, I've been trying, there's another bit on the second hour, the hour that I'm not even doing yet. It's like, it's based on this book called Tribe. Again, maybe you can help me make this funny.

• 44:37Andrew Santino?

  Get it.

• 44:37Speaker 05

  It's interesting, but I don't know if it's funny. I go like, there's, it's in our biology. Our brain, all of that physiology is, you're only supposed to know and care about 150 people. And I'm not saying it's not beautiful, or noble, or admirable.

• 44:53Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna start unfollowing people on Instagram right now.

• 44:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

• 44:56Andrew Santino?

  Just get it down to 150.

• 44:56Speaker 05

  That's what I'm saying, you should.

• 44:58Andrew Santino?

  150.

• 44:58Speaker 05

  Well, that's, you're ahead of the joke. That's exactly what I'm saying is like, I'm not saying it's not beautiful to care about the entire planet. I'm saying it overwhelms your system, just biologically speaking. So I go, 150 people, and I go, watch this. Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Christian Bale, Casey Affleck, Al Gore, George Bush, George W. Bush, Donald Trump, Obama, Michelle Obama. Like, and just fucking go as long as you can, and then go... What was that? You knew everyone I was saying. No wonder you're stressed out. You shouldn't. We can't walk around like, Ryan Seacrest has lupus? You're not supposed, and so, and this is what I do in the crowd, I go, some of you aren't even laughing. You're like, Ryan Seacrest has lupus?

• 45:43Speaker 05

  He doesn't have lupus. I'm just making a point.

• 45:46Andrew Santino?

  But you, now you name someone who does have lupus.

• 45:48Speaker 05

  But who does have lupus? Casey Affleck?

• 45:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's right, take it back to the beginning.

• 45:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, I gotta bring it back.

• 45:52Andrew Santino?

  And you need to relax, Ryan doesn't have it. Casey Affleck, he does actually have lupus.

• 45:56Speaker 05

  Well, that's the great Eddie Izzard joke. That goes under-reported, in my opinion. I forget who it is, because it's somebody European, I think. But he's like, I have bad news, bad news, top of the show, bad news, hate to tell you. Probably didn't see, because you're all here in your seats with your phones off. But Molly Tamag has died. And let's, Molly Tamag is a pop star, and who cares? Scotland? Like, what is the UK? I'm just kidding. So Molly Tamag, sorry, she's dead, I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, she's not dead. She's, you guys, I wouldn't start the show like that, she's not dead.

• 46:32Speaker 05

  She is dead. And he does it the whole show. And he gets it this small, where he goes,

• 46:42Speaker 05

  like, one, I think Eddie Izzard, Eddie Izzard, I think is how you say it, is one of the under-reported greats.

• 46:49Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he's incredible.

• 46:50Speaker 05

  I, I know we know that.

• 46:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but right, you're saying on the mass.

• 46:53Speaker 05

  But I'm just sort of like, I don't know, a lot of, a lot of people, I don't know. He's not making enough lists.

• 46:58Andrew Santino?

  Well, we really.

• 46:59Speaker 05

  Or, I'm sorry, I don't know Eddie's pronouns. That's real.

• 47:03Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't know either.

• 47:04Speaker 05

  This isn't fake.

• 47:04Andrew Santino?

  No, no, I know, I just, you made me think for a second. Well, he can look it up, look it up, kiddo. No, but you're right. You're right, I, I don't, but you know what it is? I watched a show on Amazon.

• 47:14Speaker 05

  Eddie Izzard, I-Z-Z-A-R-D.

• 47:16Andrew Santino?

  There's a show on Amazon where it's British comics trying to make each other crack. Have you seen this? And Carr is hosting it. Jimmy's hosting it, and.

• 47:22Speaker 05

  A haunted puppet from an antique road show is hosting it? That's fantastic. I'm so glad that those scary dolls from Toy Story 4 are still working.

• 47:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, they have to.

• 47:31Speaker 05

  They have to.

• 47:32Andrew Santino?

  The union's not doing the same.

• 47:33Speaker 05

  They'll do anything.

• 47:34Andrew Santino?

  He's hosting the show, and they're trying to crack each other. It's like a fake reality show, they're in a house together, and they're just trying to crack each other.

• 47:39Speaker 05

  Make them laugh.

• 47:39Andrew Santino?

  And, yes, dude, and honestly.

• 47:41Speaker 05

  And if you laugh, you have to leave?

• 47:42Andrew Santino?

  Yes. It's brilliant.

• 47:43Speaker 05

  That's a great idea.

• 47:44Andrew Santino?

  It's brilliant, and also, you're watching them, and every single person's bits are making me laugh. And they're holding, and I thought, This is very British humour that I, we love. I don't know if America loves as a whole.

• 47:55Speaker 05

  Right, right.

• 47:56Andrew Santino?

  America doesn't really get into those because they, if it's too cheeky, Americans are like, "What are you being, you being fu-" saying I'm dumb? It's like, no, no, no, they're just being facetious.

• 48:04Speaker 05

  They're winding you up.

• 48:04Andrew Santino?

  And they're like, "No, you're saying I'm fucking dumb."

• 48:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, we take it very personally. I'll tell you a story. This is America. I think Donald Glover comes out.

• 48:13Andrew Santino?

  Don't get you slipping up immediately. It's where it goes every time somebody says that.

• 48:16Speaker 05

  It's a great song.

• 48:16Andrew Santino?

  She.

• 48:17Speaker 05

  Great song.

• 48:17Andrew Santino?

  She.

• 48:18Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 48:18Andrew Santino?

  She.

• 48:19Speaker 05

  She does not make enough lists.

• 48:21Andrew Santino?

  She does not make enough lists.

• 48:22Speaker 05

  I'm not being funny. Still Eddie?

• 48:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 48:25Speaker 05

  Eddie? I'm just gonna say Eddie doesn't make enough lists.

• 48:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's the best.

• 48:29Speaker 05

  Keep it simple.

• 48:29Andrew Santino?

  But, but you did do the right thing. You said, "I don't remember." And we checked.

• 48:33Speaker 05

  I will say-

• 48:34Andrew Santino?

  And we checked!

• 48:35Speaker 05

  People act like consent is so confusing and pronouns are so confusing. It's not, take it from someone who's done it a thousand times, just go, "Can I get a pronoun check?"

• 48:43Andrew Santino?

  Pronoun check. Pronoun check down.

• 48:44Speaker 05

  Just make it a thing.

• 48:45Andrew Santino?

  It's not harmful.

• 48:46Speaker 05

  "Can I get a, a pronoun check?"

• 48:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 48:47Speaker 05

  I'm just asking.

• 48:48Andrew Santino?

  It's not gonna hurt anybody.

• 48:49Speaker 05

  Nobody's mad.

• 48:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it doesn't matter.

• 48:50Speaker 05

  Everybody's like, "Thank you."

• 48:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. It does not matter.

• 48:53Speaker 05

  It's not fucking Pat. Remember in the 90s?

• 48:56Andrew Santino?

  It's Pat.

• 48:57Speaker 05

  We're like, "Oh, I don't know their gender." "Ask Pat."

• 49:02Andrew Santino?

  That's the next show?

• 49:03Speaker 05

  Ask Pat.

• 49:03Andrew Santino?

  The next sketch is Ask Pat. It's just someone going, "Excuse me, pronoun?" And they go, "They," and they go, "Great." And that's the sketch?

• 49:09Speaker 05

  That's the sketch. Executive producer Lorne Michaels. They're at the Goodbyes.

• 49:13Andrew Santino?

  We decided that we finally should be asking.

• 49:14Speaker 05

  We should be asking, Pat. It is. One of the wonderful things about once you have-

• 49:19Andrew Santino?

  They're pretty close.

• 49:20Speaker 05

  They are.

• 49:21Andrew Santino?

  Those two impressions are right next to each other for some reason.

• 49:23Speaker 05

  One's Canadian, though.

• 49:24Andrew Santino?

  And one loves popcorn and the other loves poop corn! New corn, poop corn, new corn.

• 49:29Speaker 05

  Ooh.

• 49:30Andrew Santino?

  You know Lorne does snack on popcorn all day long. You know this, this is like a-

• 49:33Speaker 05

  Lorne does?

• 49:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's like a thing.

• 49:34Speaker 05

  That's real?

• 49:35Andrew Santino?

  A hundred percent. He has it in his office all day.

• 49:37Speaker 05

  Like Reagan for jelly beans?

• 49:39Andrew Santino?

  Same exact thing.

• 49:40Speaker 05

  Except he's gonna live longer.

• 49:42Andrew Santino?

  Way longer.

• 49:42Speaker 05

  Jelly beans are-

• 49:45Speaker 05

  I don't know what's in that jelly, but it's not, you know, life giving.

• 49:48Andrew Santino?

  It's also no, not a bean. It's not, not a bean. It's the shape of a bean.

• 49:50Speaker 05

  I planted one. All I got was diabetes. Diabetes is okay to make fun of.

• 49:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because you can control it.

• 50:00Speaker 05

  It's your fault.

• 50:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is your fault.

• 50:01Speaker 05

  And you can, and you can control it.

• 50:02Andrew Santino?

  Well, diabetes type two.

• 50:04Speaker 05

  That's the funny one.

• 50:05Andrew Santino?

  Type one is not funny.

• 50:06Speaker 05

  And if you said, no, it's not. It's absolutely not.

• 50:08Andrew Santino?

  It's not funny.

• 50:09Speaker 05

  Like some 12 year old kid has type one diabetes. Nobody's riffing on that. Type two.

• 50:14Andrew Santino?

  Funny.

• 50:15Speaker 05

  You're.

• 50:16Andrew Santino?

  Let's go about diseases that are funny. Let's go down a list of diseases you're allowed to make fun of.

• 50:19Speaker 05

  Well, you can make fun of alcoholics. That's the great Gaffigan joke.

• 50:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, right.

• 50:22Speaker 05

  It's the only disease you can get mad at someone for having.

• 50:24Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 50:25Speaker 05

  It's fucking hilarious.

• 50:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that is so good.

• 50:27Speaker 05

  It's so good.

• 50:28Andrew Santino?

  What other diseases are you allowed to make fun of?

• 50:30Speaker 05

  You can make fun of lupus. I already said it.

• 50:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 50:32Speaker 05

  You can make fun of, uh, candida.

• 50:41Speaker 05

  You can make fun of anal polyps.

• 50:43Andrew Santino?

  I have psoriasis.

• 50:44Speaker 05

  Psoriasis is a go to.

• 50:46Andrew Santino?

  It's so funny.

• 50:46Speaker 05

  It's from comedian.

• 50:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. What? In, in the movie? Does he have it?

• 50:50Speaker 05

  It's horny. I'm on the, I'm on the, I'm on the bus and there's a sign that says one out of, chances are somebody on this bus has lupus. I look around, I'm the only one on the bus. Letterman, you remember, asks him to change it. Don't say lupus.

• 51:03Andrew Santino?

  Don't say lupus.

• 51:04Speaker 05

  They change it to?

• 51:05Andrew Santino?

  Psoriasis.

• 51:06Speaker 05

  Psoriasis. Psoriasis, not a funny word.

• 51:08Andrew Santino?

  It's not a funny word.

• 51:09Speaker 05

  But I don't think, I stand by the choice. You can do it.

• 51:11Andrew Santino?

  Lupus. Lupus, two syllables is what did it.

• 51:13Speaker 05

  It sounds like loopy.

• 51:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, psoriasis is way too long.

• 51:16Speaker 05

  Fruit lupus?

• 51:16Andrew Santino?

  Fruit lupus.

• 51:17Speaker 05

  You know Toucan Sam's got fruit lupus, right? And Tony the Tiger's got gronoria.

• 51:22Andrew Santino?

  Grades. They're grades. I got grades.

• 51:27Speaker 05

  See, what you just did, very tricky.

• 51:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 51:30Speaker 05

  Okay, I'm making it a grades joke. I mean, but you found a way to do it. I'm gonna tell you a joke.

• 51:35Andrew Santino?

  Oh, we have the same phone. Dude, nobody has this one.

• 51:38Speaker 05

  Nobody has this phone.

• 51:39Andrew Santino?

  This is the one we have.

• 51:40Speaker 05

  I can't, I've never met, well, I've met one other person.

• 51:43Andrew Santino?

  Kiss, make him kiss.

• 51:43Speaker 05

  Well, they're gonna, I just gave you like a file.

• 51:45Andrew Santino?

  Whoa.

• 51:46Speaker 05

  Airdrop. I'm gonna tell you a joke I wrote while I was really high.

• 51:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 51:51Speaker 05

  Um, okay. People talk about how bad the times are.

• 51:55Andrew Santino?

  Mm hmm.

• 51:55Speaker 05

  And they are. But they are improving. Like, think about Bible times. Cain and Abel? Cain killed Abel. There were four people. That's a quarter of the Earth's population. To do that now, you would have to kill two billion people.

• 52:11Andrew Santino?

  My god.

• 52:12Speaker 05

  Cain was the equivalent of two billion people. It's not chill, it was a genocide. And then I go, uh, this is a lie. I, I haven't done this joke. I wrote it down. A friend of mine dared me to write a joke where the punchline was genocide. I thought that would make it funnier.

• 52:27Andrew Santino?

  That is good.

• 52:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. You like it?

• 52:29Andrew Santino?

  But I believe that.

• 52:30Speaker 05

  Which part? The ju- the dare?

• 52:32Andrew Santino?

  The dare. The dare is very good.

• 52:33Speaker 05

  People that listen to Whiskey Ginger, Bad Friends, Good Friends, put it in my fucking ding dong.

• 52:37Andrew Santino?

  In my end.

• 52:38Speaker 05

  Whatever the fucking bellend podcast this is. You must be huge in England. You look wet. You look like a guy who came in from the rain. I don't know what I mean, but why did you laugh?

• 52:48Andrew Santino?

  I like it.

• 52:49Speaker 05

  There's something weather, weathered about you.

• 52:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm tired.

• 52:53Speaker 05

  British. No, no, no. You look crisp.

• 52:55Andrew Santino?

  No, you know what it is? The Brits look like they can trust me, that I, they know I can't be out at the beach all day.

• 53:01Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 53:01Andrew Santino?

  So they're like, you're one of us.

• 53:02Speaker 05

  They would give you a task. Cause they're like, what's he gonna do? Go to the beach?

• 53:05Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 53:06Speaker 05

  The beach wants him dead and can do it. Godspeed. Silly, silly fun boy is the podcast. Those look like comedy glasses. They're not, but because you haven't been wearing them and you came up with them.

• 53:17Andrew Santino?

  He does that when he starts a trip. He's, he, he's takes, takes in the morning.

• 53:21Speaker 05

  Good mushroom glasses, orange.

• 53:23Andrew Santino?

  I took mushrooms three nights ago.

• 53:25Speaker 05

  Ah.

• 53:25Andrew Santino?

  Fantastisch.

• 53:26Speaker 05

  Fantastisch.

• 53:27Andrew Santino?

  I wanted to, I, I played Vegas and I wanted to walk around and enjoy it. I didn't want to do anything but walk around and enjoy it. And I walked around and I enjoyed it very much. I watched my cousin play roulette for about an hour and a half.

• 53:35Speaker 05

  On mush?

• 53:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 53:36Speaker 05

  Did you have any pre- premonitions?

• 53:38Andrew Santino?

  You know what the weirdest thing was? I was doing A Beautiful Mind in my head and I gave no numbers out. I just was, I was literally going, I, you know what I did?

• 53:46Speaker 05

  That's mushrooms.

• 53:46Andrew Santino?

  That's not true. Luke can verify. I did say, my hand to God, he goes, favorite numbers? And I keep, I, a few times I said, and then the other time I go, no, no, no, nothing. No, don't, don't. And then one time, I didn't say, cause three is my lucky number. I didn't say, put it on three and three hit. And the mushrooms went, you should have told him. And I said, quiet, quiet. We're in here doing our thing. We're building in here.

• 54:09Speaker 05

  We're building.

• 54:10Andrew Santino?

  Be quiet, we're building.

• 54:11Speaker 05

  Be quiet.

• 54:12Andrew Santino?

  You know?

• 54:12Speaker 05

  I, I.

• 54:14Andrew Santino?

  You know what annoys me about mushrooms and myself and I think my gait changes when I'm on mushrooms.

• 54:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, you turn into the keep on, keep on truckin' guy with the long.

• 54:23Andrew Santino?

  Why, why do I do that? My gait always changes when I'm on mushrooms.

• 54:26Speaker 05

  Mushrooms are like, you should be moving this thing. Like, why aren't you just fucking moving? Like, it's so funny to have a body.

• 54:35Andrew Santino?

  It's so funny to have a body.

• 54:36Speaker 05

  And we go around like, hello, where can I park? Fucking waste. Is the bathroom in the corner that way? Is this gluten free? I'm not, I don't have celiac, I'm just fucking idiot, fucking idiot. Eat the goddamn Oreos and walk like this, you fucking idiot. That's mushroom.

• 54:51Andrew Santino?

  It is true. I love it.

• 54:53Speaker 05

  I did them not that long ago. And I was, I had a great relationship with the tree. I know that's very classic, but it was this beaut- I go away. I fuck off. Everybody, it was like a gathering at my house and people were doing them and they were all like partying in the pool. And I'm being kind of a bitch, but I'm like, what a waste, what a waste. These things want to talk to you is my point. They want to talk to you.

• 55:16Andrew Santino?

  But I will say water on mushrooms is amazing. I love water on mushrooms.

• 55:20Speaker 05

  I did go in the, in the pool.

• 55:22Andrew Santino?

  Big fan.

• 55:22Speaker 05

  Yes, I understand. But I don't like socializing because to me it's like, you're like, now you're standing on, here's the experience and you're like, how are you, Daniel? Imagine? Have you seen Withnail and I? Fucking piece of cunt shit. I love being filthy out of nowhere because I look like a youth pastor. So it's funny when I'm like, you fucking cancel pussy in the first 30 seconds. I just don't want, I want to be like a, you know those water snakes? It's like a tube.

• 55:50Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:50Speaker 05

  And you can't hold, that's what I want to be.

• 55:52Andrew Santino?

  You are.

• 55:52Speaker 05

  I'm not forcing this. That's what silly, silly fun boy is. It's like, here's a wholesome joke about me being a dad. Here's like a weird existential joke about God. Here's like the dirtiest joke you've ever heard. Here's like the cutest, funniest joke. I think a good hour of stand-up should be like an epic dream or a mushroom trip.

• 56:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, all over the place.

• 56:09Speaker 05

  You know how there's a part in every mushroom trip where you're a little like, I don't know if I like this?

• 56:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 56:14Speaker 05

  That's what makes it compelling.

• 56:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 56:16Speaker 05

  If it was just every time, that's MDMA. And people don't talk about MDMA as much as they talk about mushrooms. People don't talk about MDMA changing their life as much as they talk about mushrooms. Because mushrooms is like, welcome, now that I have you, blows out a candle and now it's like fingering your eye. And you're like, Captain Crunch? It's Cap'n. And you're like, what? It's Cap'n? And you're crying. That's what I want my hour to be.

• 56:41Speaker 05

  Clip it. Clip it! Clip it and dip it!

• 56:44Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 56:47Andrew Santino?

  So many people think, "Hey, man, I should probably go to therapy. Maybe it will help me. Who knows?" And then you just don't do it. You bail. You've got a lot going on. Everyone does that a lot. I, myself, have done that, okay? Uh, but sadly, sadly, it's so much easier than you ever expect, thanks to Rula. Rula genuinely takes five minutes. Five minutos. Uh, and you don't have to be there when you're emotionally prepared. Just sign up right away and see how you get there on your own. You spend a lot of money and a lot of time on other stuff. And remove those excuses, and you must try, because Rula makes accessing quality mental health care affordable with sessions costing an average of $15 with insurance. $15. How much did you pay for that breakfast sandwich today? Huh? $15?

• 57:31Andrew Santino?

  Breakfast sandwich and a coffee is probably what it's gonna cost you to get quality mental health care, thanks to Rula. Rula can help you feel better with 93% of patients reporting symptom improvements, okay? Sign up, find a great therapist, in as little as five minutes. Appointments are available as soon as the very next day. And I'm telling you, therapy changed my life. I personally love it so very much, I think you should give it a whirl. And if you want it fast and easy and very affordable, Rula's got you. So head to rula.com, that's R-U-L-A dot com, to find a therapist the easiest.

• 58:01Speaker 04

  Ginger. I like zingers.

• 58:04Andrew Santino?

  It is true. It is the fear, the fear that settles in for a couple of minutes.

• 58:08Speaker 05

  Oh, my God, every time.

• 58:09Andrew Santino?

  And you do have the phrase that runs through all of our heads, so be aware. "Will this stop?"

• 58:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, "Will this stop?"

• 58:14Andrew Santino?

  "Will this end?"

• 58:15Speaker 05

  I always go, whenever I've ingested a psychedelic, I go, "You'll come back."

• 58:20Andrew Santino?

  You always do.

• 58:20Speaker 05

  And that's all you need to remember.

• 58:22Andrew Santino?

  Except for my friend Todd. We miss you, Todd.

• 58:25Speaker 05

  Todd is a glass of orange juice. It was tang. He didn't have enough self-love.

• 58:29Andrew Santino?

  He didn't have enough self-love.

• 58:30Speaker 05

  He was like, "Actually, I'm the astronaut tart."

• 58:32Andrew Santino?

  What's your, what is your "talk me down" to yourself? When you do get the moment where you go...

• 58:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 58:38Andrew Santino?

  Will this break? Will I be okay?

• 58:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's a great question. I want to answer it authentically, so I'm not just gonna fire off in riff mode. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I have a couple mantras.

• 58:51Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 58:52Speaker 05

  One is, I trust myself, meaning, this is the other mode of me, right? Your essential self is God's self.

• 59:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 59:01Speaker 05

  So you can say, I trust myself, is another way of saying, I trust God.

• 59:04Andrew Santino?

  Trust God, yeah.

• 59:04Speaker 05

  But God isn't somewhere else watching my trip. He is within me, experiencing the trip as me. So you can go, I trust myself, even if it's frightening. I go, I trust myself. Another way to say that is, yes, thank you. So you're having this weird, like mushrooms is like pushing your perception down, and you're like, my wife looks like fucking Don Rickles right now. Just go, yes, thank you.

• 59:24Andrew Santino?

  Why do you look at that fatso?

• 59:25Speaker 05

  I-

• 59:25Andrew Santino?

  What's this guy, a Jew?

• 59:26Speaker 05

  You're like, bang! Look at this fucking- You can't have the F in front of the J.

• 59:30Andrew Santino?

  You can't.

• 59:31Speaker 05

  But you can say, is this a Jew?

• 59:32Andrew Santino?

  Is this a Jew?

• 59:32Speaker 05

  You can do that.

• 59:33Andrew Santino?

  What is this, a Jew?

• 59:34Speaker 05

  What are you?

• 59:35Andrew Santino?

  What are you?

• 59:36Speaker 05

  That's what I get for trusting a Native American. Like, that is okay.

• 59:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 59:40Speaker 05

  But you had the F-word.

• 59:41Andrew Santino?

  For some reason.

• 59:41Speaker 05

  Everyone will know, like, mm.

• 59:43Andrew Santino?

  Mm, itchy.

• 59:44Speaker 05

  Um, yes, thank you is a great, I've talked about this a lot. I'll talk about it every time it comes up, because it's really changed my life. If you wake up in the middle of the night, and you're just having, misfires of anxiety. You were just having a dream. You were being chased by a scorpion. You got up to pee. You get in bed, your heart's still kinda going.

• 1:00:02Andrew Santino?

  Ooh, I hate that.

• 1:00:02Speaker 05

  Give yourself a break. You just had a dream. You were being chased by a scorpion, and Roseanne Barr was on the scorpion. Like, that's overwhelming. So take a few breaths, and you're going, now you're going like, oh, I don't have enough money, or I'm gonna die, like, what if I lose this? What if this happens? Just go, yes, thank you. I know it doesn't make any sense. It works. It's not some meditation technique. It's literally psychology. It's just, stop resisting it, and the thing doesn't know what to do. It's like a ball you're pushing underwater. And it's actually you pushing it down that's giving it all of its- If you just go, yeah- Be as big as you want. Guess what? There's nothing, the space of your awareness can't hold. It might not be pleasant, but it'll pass faster if you just welcome it.

• 1:00:47Speaker 05

  It's really bizarre.

• 1:00:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:49Speaker 05

  And, and really practical for those 4 a.m. freakouts, which I have.

• 1:00:52Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I have them.

• 1:00:53Speaker 05

  I have them all the time.

• 1:00:53Andrew Santino?

  I hate them.

• 1:00:54Speaker 05

  And, and I also just go like, yes, yes, thank you if you want to unpack it a little bit more. You go, I'm lawfully unfolding. It's like, this is a, this is how Pete, remember Plinko?

• 1:01:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:06Speaker 05

  You drop the Plinko chip down the Plinko. You're just plinking. You're just doing, it's not like something's wrong with you. There's no flaw in the system. You shouldn't be not anxious. You shouldn't be, it's just what's happening. There's something really beautiful about going, I'm just a dog biting an itch. But if you go, why am I fucking, I'm such an animal biting itch, like, just allow it. Just go like, you don't choose your thoughts. That one's easy.

• 1:01:32Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:01:32Speaker 05

  What's my next thought gonna be? You don't know. But we take them so personally. You have these hurtful, hateful, ugly, mean, petty, greedy, selfish, fear-based thoughts. But really, just remind yourself, I didn't choose that. It's just appearing in me and I don't have to sign for the delivery.

• 1:01:49Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:01:50Speaker 05

  Comes to the door. You're just sad and, no.

• 1:01:53Andrew Santino?

  No, thanks.

• 1:01:53Speaker 05

  That just came up. That has nothing to do with me. But the next step is, you don't choose your emotional responses either. You get a text from your parents, sets you off. You have this big feeling, just like a thought you didn't choose. You can go, I didn't choose this, and it loses its grip. I'm not saying you don't have it, but what keeps it around, what gives it a bear hug is like, in mi persona, I go, I'm a spiritual person. I'm not supposed to have reactivity. I, I thought I was beyond this. Like, I was just on a retreat, meditating. Shouldn't I be more, have more equanimity? All of that is just holding it in and delighting in it. It's just fucking masturbating your, your negative emotion. Or just go like, I'm, I'm as part of this as a bird.

• 1:02:37Speaker 05

  A bird singing doesn't bother me. My feelings coming up shouldn't bother me. It's the same.

• 1:02:42Andrew Santino?

  Same thing.

• 1:02:43Speaker 05

  I don't mean it's similar. I mean, it's the same fucking thing. Your voice and my voice, a bird's song, a feeling, it's made of the same knowing that knows them. So fucking back off.

• 1:02:53Andrew Santino?

  Back off.

• 1:02:54Speaker 05

  And you're off the hook. You you like really, really. Some people don't like thinking they don't have free will. There's a great relief in just going, I'm just a Plinko going down. Do your best, that's that's part of your experience. I'm not saying don't try, but no, ultimately, it's just kind of flowing. Yeah. And you can take it a lot less personally. And that's really peace. This is this is why I like talking about spiritual things. It's not to like have afterlife assurances or have all the answers. It's to deal with the panic I might feel after this podcast. I'm like, I said the thing about Bobby Lee being fat or whatever. It'll just be like, like if somebody, if Bobby, he won't. But if he was like, hey, I heard what you said on Whiskey Ginger, it hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say this, I would just say, I'm sorry, man.

• 1:03:39Speaker 05

  You know, I love you. I didn't mean it like that. But what I want to say is like, yeah, man, pizza trip. Like, I'm I'm in him all the time. I don't endorse everything he does. No. I don't endorse everything he thinks. Quite the opposite. That's why why comedy is so beautiful. You go up and you're like, like my new special has jokes about letting myself down. I hate comedian, well, I shouldn't say that, but it's true. I'm just peeing. I don't like when comedians use the stage to just brag about how they knew what to say. They knew what to do. Right. And they won. I punched the guy, no, I'm driving the bus. You know, like, fuck off. I'm Keanu Reeves, I'm not Keanu Reeves. I'm the woman with the baby carriage full of cans. I'm a mess.

• 1:04:20Speaker 05

  So like, use an alpha position to love yourself, celebrate yourself, tell jokes, and let them project their letdowns on you and laugh at it. That's part of the fun of comedy. It's shadow work. You go, oh, I've been an idiot. I tell a story in the special about my friend lost his kid. But Lila and I were in line for the last carousel ride of the day. It was at the park over in Los Feliz. So we're waiting for the carousel. She's like three years old. She's never been on a carousel. She's so happy. We're about to get on. My friend Sam, real name, True Betrayal, goes, have you seen River? I can't find River. He's like white, he can't find his kid. And I go, oh no, and I walk through the turnstile with my daughter.

• 1:05:04Speaker 05

  Because I'm like, I'm sure. And then I'm on the ride, Santino, this is real. I'm on the ride going, river! Like, just like, keeping an eye out. That story is humiliating.

• 1:05:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:18Speaker 05

  I favored my daughter. I, I just was like, I just took a chance. They did find her. That's obviously how the joke goes. It'd be fucked up if I was like, and she's gone, right?

• 1:05:27Andrew Santino?

  Well.

• 1:05:29Speaker 05

  They found her, she's fine. But I think that is what elevates comedy to an art form. Is like, look, I'm in the lights. I'm loud.

• 1:05:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:40Speaker 05

  I'm tall, I'm on the stage. It's all this primal stuff. You're the leader. I don't think of myself that way, but you are the focus of 300,000 people, whatever it is. Imagine using that platform to go, I fucked up. Let's laugh at it.

• 1:05:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58Speaker 05

  Because it's not essential to me. I was, I was okay before I did it. I was okay after I did it. I was okay while I did it. It's just Plinko. I just made a bad choice. Don't take it so seriously. That's the gift.

• 1:06:10Andrew Santino?

  Or it wasn't a bad choice, it just, you bounced the other way on the Plinko board.

• 1:06:13Speaker 05

  I bounced the other way.

• 1:06:14Andrew Santino?

  You bounced another peg.

• 1:06:15Speaker 05

  I hit the peg and I looked at my, and, and by the way, people know, you do it with your girlfriend, you do it with your wife. People do it for loved, loved ones all the time. You just kind of prioritize somebody over somebody else. It's one of the fucked up things about life.

• 1:06:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:30Speaker 05

  So there's something, we're working that out. We know when we walk past an unhoused person on the way to a fancy dinner, we're like, what the fuck is this? That's like a way to kind of, let's look at it and let's let some of the steam off of it. It's so fucking heavy being in this world. I, I know it is, I'm in it too. But like laughing can be not dismissive and mean and like putting it down. But it can be a way of like loosening some of those things and making them mentionable.

• 1:06:58Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:06:58Speaker 05

  Because we're laughing at it, well, maybe we can, maybe we can look at that. Maybe after I did that thing, I was like, I, I made the wrong choice. I, I know.

• 1:07:08Andrew Santino?

  I don't know. Your daughter's your priority.

• 1:07:10Speaker 05

  I know.

• 1:07:10Andrew Santino?

  Not the other kid's kid.

• 1:07:12Speaker 05

  Well, we're on the. Look, I love you. I love you.

• 1:07:16Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's the other guy's kid.

• 1:07:18Speaker 05

  There's another story I tell.

• 1:07:19Andrew Santino?

  There's only so many shelves I can stock, you know what I mean?

• 1:07:21Speaker 05

  This is the other one. Okay, yes. Buddy, I love you. Because that's also, there's also something beautiful going on there where they're with the laughs telling me, I've done that too. I know what you're talking about. There's another story. I use this as a more extreme example. It's in the special. I'm driving behind a Jeep in Malibu, like in the.

• 1:07:42Andrew Santino?

  PCH?

• 1:07:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's where it gets all up in the mountains and there's no guard rail. A big cliff. And the guy, this is a true story, I'm telling it real fast and I make a real meal of it in the special. But he just starts veering off the road. He's looking at his phone or something. Towards the cliff and I'm with Val, middle of the day, I just went, bye.

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  That, to me.

• 1:08:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:06Speaker 05

  And he corrected. Again, it's a very similar joke. It'd be fucked up if he did a fiery barrel roll down the hill.

• 1:08:14Speaker 05

  That's why I love you, but you're a comic, right? And a lot of people are like that. I shouldn't say comic. A lot of people have that appreciation for the dark kind of stuff.

• 1:08:20Andrew Santino?

  Cool to see. Never seen it live.

• 1:08:22Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:08:25Speaker 05

  But, to me, those are the stories worth telling. It's like, I didn't, the point of the story is, I didn't make the choice. I didn't make the conscious choice to go, bye. But for some reason, it was just happening on my phone.

• 1:08:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:38Speaker 05

  I was just like, huh, I wonder what the, like, it just wasn't real.

• 1:08:42Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:08:42Speaker 05

  And then, I was like, it would have taken less effort to honk, but it was just like, where's this gonna go? So that's comedy.

• 1:08:48Andrew Santino?

  I thought about that, but if he did honk, well, that scared him even more. It then goes even further off.

• 1:08:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We live in a world where anything can happen. You could see a guy go off the road and that's terrifying and these are the things I would say need to be looked at and laughed at.

• 1:09:03Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's almost like, have you ever seen a video of someone, this, this, someone just circulated a video, again, the beaches in Mexico, in Cabo sometimes, they're so steep going down because of the erosion and these waves are so big that they say all the time, sometimes don't go out because the, the, the, the pull is too strong, you'll never be able to climb back up. And every time, every year, some idiot goes down there thinking. Come on.

• 1:09:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:26Andrew Santino?

  But there's a video that was circulating about a guy that just couldn't get back up. I mean, it took a good five minutes of him trying to fight the waves and climb and then it swept them down. Fight the waves, but they're standing there on the beach.

• 1:09:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:35Andrew Santino?

  Because you can't go down there.

• 1:09:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:37Andrew Santino?

  So the craziest shit is.

• 1:09:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:38Andrew Santino?

  What are you gonna do? Walk away?

• 1:09:40Speaker 05

  Well, I have another joke. I don't think I'll end up doing this one, but I was like, I think our phones obviously are desensitizing us to stuff. Because I saw a guy sit on a chair and the legs behind gave out, the back legs. And he just started falling and I just watched.

• 1:09:57Speaker 05

  I just was like. I'm like double tapping.

• 1:10:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:01Speaker 05

  Reality.

• 1:10:01Andrew Santino?

  Liking real life?

• 1:10:02Speaker 05

  I like this.

• 1:10:03Andrew Santino?

  Just commenting? Watch this fat fuck break his back.

• 1:10:06Speaker 05

  Exactly. Where do I comment? Oh, I just say it. Ha ha, fat ass! But like, that needs to be looked at.

• 1:10:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:15Speaker 05

  I'm not, I'm not doing comedy, comedy with a purpose. I'm just saying like, that's right under our nose that we are just. And I see this in life. People just like watch conflicts. In the eighties, nineties, hey, look out.

• 1:10:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:28Speaker 05

  You know what I mean? Or get involved.

• 1:10:30Andrew Santino?

  No lookout now.

• 1:10:31Speaker 05

  Like if somebody's having a meltdown at a Trader Joe's, you film it.

• 1:10:36Andrew Santino?

  Phones up.

• 1:10:36Speaker 05

  It used to be, I, look, I, I know I'm sounding old, but it used to be some majestic fucking Navy man would be like, hold on! Cooler heads prevail. But he's also no nonsensical. I said, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't gentle. Shut up! Now, listen, he's gonna be out for three to five. When he comes back, I want you guys making, making amends. Making out?

• 1:11:05Andrew Santino?

  Give me a bag of frozen peas.

• 1:11:07Speaker 05

  And these peas are mine now.

• 1:11:09Andrew Santino?

  I thought you were gonna put it on his eye. No, I'm hungry.

• 1:11:12Speaker 05

  Nope. I love a bird's eye. Bird's eye.

• 1:11:14Andrew Santino?

  Bird's eye.

• 1:11:15Speaker 05

  Supervisor. Bird's Eye.

• 1:11:18Andrew Santino?

  Eat your peas.

• 1:11:19Speaker 05

  We looked at the whole crop and these were the best peas. That's what they're saying.

• 1:11:23Andrew Santino?

  That is.

• 1:11:23Speaker 05

  Bird's Eye.

• 1:11:24Andrew Santino?

  Those peas? Good peas.

• 1:11:26Speaker 05

  You don't want a gerbil picking your peas. He's just picking the ones he can see. I want Bird's Eye peas.

• 1:11:33Andrew Santino?

  Too many peas.

• 1:11:34Speaker 05

  What's weird is my special is sponsored by Bird's Eye peas.

• 1:11:36Andrew Santino?

  Bird's Eye peas, please pick up a bag today.

• 1:11:39Speaker 05

  Great on your nuts after a vasectomy.

• 1:11:41Andrew Santino?

  And you got it, you got, you got a double vasectomy.

• 1:11:44Speaker 05

  I did. I had it. I got a vasectomy. I got it reversed, jizzed all over like a glass table, like the album cover for Load. Is there anything fucking more bullshit than the story of the album cover for?

• 1:11:57Andrew Santino?

  For Load, it's bullshit.

• 1:11:58Speaker 05

  Do you remember?

• 1:11:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:59Speaker 05

  Everyone does.

• 1:12:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:00Speaker 05

  He was just like, Kirk, the guitarist, they were like, we needed an album cover. He just jerked off on a glass table. There was some pig's blood. He smeared it in the blood. We took a picture. No, you didn't. You were in a studio, you fucking weirdos. Kirk, are you ready? Give me a minute, stop looking. It's fucking dumb. It was Annie Leibowitz. Alright, put the jizz on the glass. You know what jizz does after like 15 seconds? It starts to turn into nothing.

• 1:12:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it goes away.

• 1:12:28Speaker 05

  It goes away.

• 1:12:29Andrew Santino?

  It goes away.

• 1:12:29Speaker 05

  That's God's gift to the jizzers.

• 1:12:33Speaker 05

  Did it happen?

• 1:12:34Andrew Santino?

  I heard another album cover story the other day that reminded me of, I think Jizza was in an interview.

• 1:12:38Speaker 05

  Jizza?

• 1:12:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Was it Jizza was in an interview talking about, um, talking about how, uh, that the Wu-Tang album, they're all wearing masks and it was almost none of the, it was none of them.

• 1:12:50Speaker 06

  No, it was some of them, but it wasn't all of them.

• 1:12:52Andrew Santino?

  No, but then other guys were not in the, in the group and they were just wearing masks.

• 1:12:56Speaker 05

  I'm gonna say with no shade to the Clan, Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with.

• 1:12:59Andrew Santino?

  Which Clan? Ku Klux Klan is also nothing to fuck with. I'll be honest with you.

• 1:13:04Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:13:04Andrew Santino?

  Do not fuck with those guys.

• 1:13:06Speaker 05

  Did you make a few riffs?

• 1:13:07Andrew Santino?

  I did. Yeah, they came after me. The Klux is not happy with me. Now, the Clan, the Clan loves me. The Clan loves me.

• 1:13:14Speaker 05

  Wu-Tang.

• 1:13:14Andrew Santino?

  The Klux does not like me.

• 1:13:15Speaker 05

  Clan in the front. I'm just saying, once you have a group that's 10, 12, 15?

• 1:13:21Andrew Santino?

  Nothing to fuck with.

• 1:13:22Speaker 05

  No? Hard to get together.

• 1:13:25Andrew Santino?

  And that's what he says in this. He's like, it's impossible. We're never together. It's impossible.

• 1:13:28Speaker 05

  You're gonna, old Dirty Bastard's dead, but. RZA. JZA.

• 1:13:34Andrew Santino?

  Inspector Deck.

• 1:13:34Speaker 05

  Method Man. Ghostface Killer.

• 1:13:37Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:13:38Speaker 05

  Ghostface. He's out killing Ghostfaces.

• 1:13:41Andrew Santino?

  He's busy.

• 1:13:41Speaker 05

  Which is Whitey's.

• 1:13:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:43Speaker 06

  Raekwon the chef.

• 1:13:44Andrew Santino?

  Raekwon.

• 1:13:44Speaker 05

  Raekwon is a great chef.

• 1:13:45Andrew Santino?

  The chef, by the way, he's a Michelin chef now. I don't know if you know that, he's cooking at a restaurant in New York. He really is, yeah.

• 1:13:51Speaker 05

  Is that real?

• 1:13:52Andrew Santino?

  No, but it's good, I did sell it, didn't I? I do.

• 1:13:55Speaker 05

  You did it really well.

• 1:13:55Andrew Santino?

  I do do that well.

• 1:13:56Speaker 05

  I forget how good of an actor you are.

• 1:13:58Andrew Santino?

  I can do a sell, I can do a really good sell. But Raekwon should open up a restaurant.

• 1:14:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:02Andrew Santino?

  Called Quan's. And it would be an Asian, Asian, because they love Asian shit.

• 1:14:07Speaker 06

  Only built for sausage links.

• 1:14:08Andrew Santino?

  Only built.

• 1:14:11Speaker 05

  And Jewish guys love hip-hop.

• 1:14:17Andrew Santino?

  Period.

• 1:14:19Speaker 05

  End. Jewish guys, I'm saying hip-hop guys love Kung-Fu and.

• 1:14:26Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 1:14:26Speaker 05

  Asia.

• 1:14:27Andrew Santino?

  Yep.

• 1:14:27Speaker 05

  Asian guys, what do they like?

• 1:14:33Speaker 05

  What do they like?

• 1:14:34Andrew Santino?

  Success.

• 1:14:36Speaker 05

  Adidas slippers. With socks.

• 1:14:39Andrew Santino?

  Smoking in a crouch position.

• 1:14:45Speaker 05

  Well, it's worth it.

• 1:14:46Andrew Santino?

  Smoking down there.

• 1:14:47Speaker 05

  See, an amateur, I'm gonna smoke down there.

• 1:14:50Andrew Santino?

  Down there. You know why?

• 1:14:51Speaker 05

  And there's gonna be like.

• 1:14:53Andrew Santino?

  You know why they smoke down there?

• 1:14:54Speaker 05

  Why?

• 1:14:55Andrew Santino?

  To get, they smoke down close to the earth? To survey.

• 1:14:59Speaker 05

  It's gonna be fake.

• 1:14:59Andrew Santino?

  No. Because when you smoke and you're standing, you're not really aware of your surroundings.

• 1:15:04Speaker 05

  This is fake.

• 1:15:05Andrew Santino?

  When you're down, you have to be on a swivel.

• 1:15:07Speaker 05

  It's fake.

• 1:15:07Andrew Santino?

  Because everything is above you.

• 1:15:11Andrew Santino?

  It's fake.

• 1:15:11Speaker 05

  I loved every second of it, I wish I hadn't said it was fake. But Jewish guys love hip-hop.

• 1:15:16Andrew Santino?

  Period.

• 1:15:16Speaker 05

  I've known a lot of, isn't Lil Dick, Lil Dicky Jewish?

• 1:15:21Andrew Santino?

  Is he ever?

• 1:15:21Speaker 05

  That's my point.

• 1:15:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:23Speaker 05

  It works. The Beastie Boys, Joe Mandy.

• 1:15:27Andrew Santino?

  Joe Mandy, yeah.

• 1:15:27Speaker 05

  I'm just saying, Lil Dicky, Lil Dicky's, I think he's.

• 1:15:30Andrew Santino?

  Jewish.

• 1:15:31Speaker 05

  Fire, though.

• 1:15:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but they, but they like hip-hop. Non-Jewish kids like hip-hop, but Jewish kids like hip-hop because.

• 1:15:39Speaker 05

  Yes?

• 1:15:39Andrew Santino?

  Because.

• 1:15:40Speaker 05

  Are you gonna say?

• 1:15:43Speaker 05

  You're gonna say it?

• 1:15:44Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:15:45Speaker 05

  Go ahead.

• 1:15:46Andrew Santino?

  You can say it if you wanna say it.

• 1:15:48Speaker 05

  I think I know what you're gonna say, but...

• 1:15:50Andrew Santino?

  Go ahead. What am I gonna say?

• 1:15:52Speaker 05

  What if it's not?

• 1:15:53Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 1:15:54Speaker 06

  On the count of three. One, two, three.

• 1:15:56Speaker 05

  Swedish show.

• 1:15:57Andrew Santino?

  Netanyahu. Oh!

• 1:15:59Speaker 05

  Modest Yahoo.

• 1:16:00Andrew Santino?

  Modest Yahoo is Netanyahu. They, he's, you've never seen them in the same room. They're one, they're the same guy.

• 1:16:04Speaker 05

  Modest Yahoo.

• 1:16:05Andrew Santino?

  Is, is Benjamin Netanyahu. It's the same guy.

• 1:16:07Speaker 05

  Who's Benjamin Netanyahu? Other than your Netflix password. When will that not be funny? When will that not be funny? I, in six more years, maybe.

• 1:16:16Andrew Santino?

  It's actually my HBO Max password, but...

• 1:16:18Speaker 05

  Nice.

• 1:16:19Andrew Santino?

  And it's also, but they made me put a money sign at the end of it, which is a little redundant.

• 1:16:22Speaker 05

  I hate when they're like, "One special character." Oh, I like that.

• 1:16:25Andrew Santino?

  What, "special character"? Why, that bothers me so much.

• 1:16:28Speaker 05

  Exclamation point "special"? That's an upside-down "I," bitch.

• 1:16:31Andrew Santino?

  A spe- a special character? How about my cousin Tim, who has a disability? He's a special character.

• 1:16:35Speaker 05

  He's differently abled.

• 1:16:36Andrew Santino?

  And I can't put him in there?

• 1:16:37Speaker 05

  I can't, can I put a gif of Tim in my password? Is that what you want? Is that what you mean?

• 1:16:41Andrew Santino?

  Would you like a Tim gif?

• 1:16:42Speaker 05

  It's a very special character. You draw a circle around an "A" and now it's special?

• 1:16:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, why? Why do they get special assignments?

• 1:16:48Speaker 05

  Or "Y" with the cross through it? The Marilyn Manson kinda "Y"?

• 1:16:51Andrew Santino?

  By the way, I, I know I'm reversing, but you made, you dropped a nugget inside of my brain that made me laugh so hard. When you said, "God is with you while you're tripping."

• 1:16:58Speaker 05

  I loved it like, ten minutes ago, I was like, "And the oneness can hold it all." And now I'm like, "You ever have a Jew do hip-hop?" This is it!

• 1:17:06Andrew Santino?

  That's what comedy is.

• 1:17:07Speaker 05

  That's what my brand is!

• 1:17:08Andrew Santino?

  That's what comedy is.

• 1:17:09Speaker 05

  You don't know where I am!

• 1:17:10Andrew Santino?

  You made me think if God is having breakfast in the morning, and someone's like, "What's going on today, God?" And he's like, he's like, reading the paper as if he's just one of us, and he's, and he's eating cereal. And he's like, "Uh, I thi- I'm gonna go tri- I think I'm gonna trip with Pete today."

• 1:17:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:17:23Andrew Santino?

  And who's ever with him is like, "Oh, rea- seriously?

• 1:17:25Speaker 05

  He's gonna do it?

• 1:17:25Andrew Santino?

  Is Pete gonna trip today?" And he goes...

• 1:17:27Speaker 05

  Don't you know, when you make, don't you feel like, when you make the choice to do mushrooms, like, you enter into a new chapter?

• 1:17:33Andrew Santino?

  A hundred percent.

• 1:17:34Speaker 05

  Like, you know what I mean?

• 1:17:34Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 1:17:35Speaker 05

  You go like, "I'm gonna do mushrooms on Thursday." Like, that's when the trip starts.

• 1:17:39Andrew Santino?

  Because it's planned.

• 1:17:40Speaker 05

  And everything that you experience, between then and when you're doing it, is like, in the, informs the trip. I swear, it's not, it's not woo-woo. I, I feel like that's when it starts.

• 1:17:50Andrew Santino?

  That's why it's healthy to plan the trip.

• 1:17:51Speaker 05

  Plan the trip!

• 1:17:52Andrew Santino?

  Planning a trip is nice.

• 1:17:53Speaker 05

  Put on some good music.

• 1:17:54Andrew Santino?

  Plan it.

• 1:17:55Speaker 05

  Get on the earth, get in the water.

• 1:17:57Andrew Santino?

  Which is why I love, I love marijuana, but it's lost a little bit of its, um...

• 1:18:01Speaker 05

  Juju.

• 1:18:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:03Speaker 05

  Why?

• 1:18:03Andrew Santino?

  Because it's...

• 1:18:04Speaker 05

  I'll tell you why, gummy bears, fucking...

• 1:18:07Andrew Santino?

  It's too unplanned, it's too.

• 1:18:07Speaker 05

  How did it get?

• 1:18:09Andrew Santino?

  It's too, too free, too loose, too available, too everywhere it's on.

• 1:18:13Speaker 05

  Here's the problem with weed, every, I smoked when I wrote that genocide joke.

• 1:18:17Andrew Santino?

  Very good joke.

• 1:18:17Speaker 05

  You cut it out. Oh, really?

• 1:18:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:19Speaker 05

  You think so?

• 1:18:19Andrew Santino?

  I think it's a great joke.

• 1:18:20Speaker 05

  My friend Tatiana helped me write it, so shout out to Tatiana. Anyway. I smoked weed and it's just like booze. I don't drink booze anymore, but like, we were sitting on a log in the woods. What is this, nineteen ninety-one? And we were like, we realized we didn't have anything to do and we were kinda, like, just looking for something different. Like, why, I feel stuck, like, every day's kinda been the same. And she had a vape. Like, when I did drink, the best drunks were always, it's eleven, you're at a brunch.

• 1:18:51Andrew Santino?

  Best.

• 1:18:52Speaker 05

  You realize you don't have anything.

• 1:18:53Andrew Santino?

  Best.

• 1:18:53Speaker 05

  You realize they don't have anything. Two Bloody Marys becomes three. Now you're just getting the bottle, leave the bottle. Leave the bottle. I make it sad. You're pouring it in your mouth in the bathroom.

• 1:19:06Speaker 05

  No, but those are like, when it's not planned. It's like booze and weed are actually kinda better when they're not planned. Psychedelics, I think you should plan.

• 1:19:12Andrew Santino?

  You need to plan.

• 1:19:13Speaker 05

  People are always like, I just threw a couple down my face and I had a bad trip. I'm like, no fucking shit.

• 1:19:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:18Speaker 05

  You need to bow down.

• 1:19:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. You need to have a little bit of a, of a little bit of a roadmap of where you'd like to go. It's nice.

• 1:19:26Speaker 05

  The whole thing is the roadmap.

• 1:19:27Andrew Santino?

  But it's nice to be free.

• 1:19:29Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:19:29Andrew Santino?

  But, but prepared is always good. That's an old, that is also, that's also we're getting older, cause when I was seventeen, eighteen, I was just like, we'll see.

• 1:19:39Speaker 05

  We also had less.

• 1:19:40Andrew Santino?

  There was no responsibility whatsoever.

• 1:19:41Speaker 05

  You were like the internet in nineteen ninety-nine. Like, there was just less.

• 1:19:45Andrew Santino?

  Less.

• 1:19:45Speaker 05

  Bad shit in there.

• 1:19:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. It was like some shit would pop up bad and you'd be like, whoa, what?

• 1:19:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:50Andrew Santino?

  Now that's, it's just, that's all it is.

• 1:19:52Speaker 05

  Sometimes I think about the amount of pornography the average guy is seeing and I'm just like, I can't believe we're all just walking around with just archives of just fucking.

• 1:20:00Andrew Santino?

  Porn in your head.

• 1:20:01Speaker 05

  Too much.

• 1:20:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but I think most people now are watching it less than ever. I feel like right now.

• 1:20:05Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:20:05Andrew Santino?

  Less, uh, in the traditional sense. I think people are getting it from other things.

• 1:20:09Speaker 05

  What do you mean? Video games?

• 1:20:11Andrew Santino?

  People are getting it from like, uh, uh, OnlyFans or TikTok or Twitter.

• 1:20:16Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 1:20:16Andrew Santino?

  I think it's just in other forms now because traditionally, like, go to the website, click on the video. I don't think that's as.

• 1:20:21Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 1:20:22Andrew Santino?

  I think that's less of a thing now.

• 1:20:23Speaker 05

  I've gotten, I, I just see that straight up as a, as a drug.

• 1:20:27Andrew Santino?

  It is a drug.

• 1:20:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:28Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're twenty-six. How do you consume it? I'm less than ever.

• 1:20:32Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:20:33Andrew Santino?

  Waking up earlier and it just fucks up my day.

• 1:20:36Speaker 05

  It fucks up your day?

• 1:20:37Andrew Santino?

  Telling you, I think it's less than ever.

• 1:20:38Speaker 05

  I think the no fatty boys are right on.

• 1:20:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no fatty, no fapping. It's too, it's everywhere.

• 1:20:44Speaker 05

  It's too much.

• 1:20:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's too much, that's what I mean, yeah.

• 1:20:46Speaker 05

  You're 26?

• 1:20:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:47Speaker 05

  That really gives me hope. I'm like, we grew up looking for it in the woods.

• 1:20:51Andrew Santino?

  Had to go find it.

• 1:20:53Speaker 05

  And then we got it online and we're like, holy shit, it's like being at the M and M store. But after dark, and I'm Kevin McCallister. And the wet bandits, they ain't coming. Which is me getting type-

• 1:21:03Andrew Santino?

  I'm coming.

• 1:21:06Speaker 05

  Type 3 diabetes. Type 3 is a hot, that's like a Netflix password of the diabetes jokes. But like when you grow up and it was always ubiquitous, I think it loses something. And it loses some of that pull. I, I don't know, I'm not being funny, I don't know what Only, OnlyFans really is. I under, I think it's more like you subscribe to a person.

• 1:21:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:25Speaker 05

  I like it because you're paying a person-

• 1:21:29Andrew Santino?

  For their work.

• 1:21:29Speaker 05

  And they're giving you a service.

• 1:21:30Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:21:31Speaker 05

  Because I tried for the longest time to do a joke where I was like, why are we okay with stealing porn? It's another, it's, I feel the same way about prison rape. I, I don't like saying the word rape, but I think that's a fucked up, fucking nuts thing that we do in this country.

• 1:21:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:49Speaker 05

  This is, like, I know America has its problems, but for fuck's sake, we're America. We created cruel and unusual. Stalking is a crime, like, that's sophisticated. Like, we know what we're doing, we, we make new laws. Like, I believe in that stuff, like, I think it can be really powerful. And we go, oh, enjoy your roommate, Bubba! You're gonna be Bubba's wife! You're making a sexual assault joke.

• 1:22:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:15Speaker 05

  Don't drop the soap.

• 1:22:16Andrew Santino?

  Don't drop the soap, yeah.

• 1:22:18Speaker 05

  If it, if you want it to be part of the sentence, have the judge decree, that's what a society is. How many assaults? Fucking own it! You seem to like it! You seem to love it, average guy, that the criminals are being assaulted.

• 1:22:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:35Speaker 05

  Then make it part of it. How many for embezzlement? How many for grand theft auto? Right. Then I'm like, how many for sexual assault? Don't you see what the fuck is happening? Right. You're gonna assault the assaulters and then release them? It's not a life sentence for, for rape. I'm not trying to be. Yeah, no, it's true. I don't like saying that word. I know it's a sensitive thing. I'm just saying, it's not a life sentence. So somebody sexually assaults somebody. You put them in prison. They're sexually assaulted the whole time. Then you release them. Guess what? And say, hey, don't do that thing we didn't protect you from? Mm-hmm. And we all go, it's, it's someone else. But here's, I used to do this on stage. It's not funny at all. But I would go. Who here has ever had two glasses of wine and gone for a drive?

• 1:23:20Speaker 05

  Everybody, right? We all have. There's a true story. A guy has two glasses of wine with lunch. He gets in his car to drive home. He's T-boned by a blackout, real drunk driver. This guy's really over the limit. Hits the guy who had two glasses of wine. Sends the car into a construction site. Kills a construction worker. He goes to jail for 30 years for manslaughter because he had two glasses of wine in his system. Not enough food. He's over the limit just a little bit. Killed a guy. Wow. How many assaults for us? How many do we deserve? It's not criminals. It's not gang member, whatever, however you wanna other prisoners. It's fucking you. So make your choice how many. How few protections we wanna give prisoners.

• 1:24:03Speaker 05

  And just know that's the policy for fucking you. I feel very worked up about this. I like it. What was the other thing I was saying? Porn? Oh. I tried to take a frame of a Fantastic Mr. Fox. To make my daughter, we love that movie so much. Wes Anderson, it's a great movie. One of the greatest movies ever. I just wanted to make, nothing, it is illegal, it turns out. I just wanted to make a picture book of Fantastic Mr. Fox. You know how you can go on like Snapfish, make a photo album? Sure. So I'm gonna take screen grabs of Mr. Fox. So I can make a kid's book. Because it doesn't exist. Right. It's like, this, I'm not selling it. It's just for my daughter. I go, you know, I, I go into preview. I'm dragging around the screen. It comes out gray. I can't take one frame of Fantastic Mr. Fox.

• 1:24:48Speaker 05

  It's built into the software. It won't let you rip a frame of it. That's how serious we are about piracy. But I can, somebody uploads, it's a film. It's a film set. There was craft services on a porno. There was a sound guy. There was a, there were union reps. There were camera people. There was a script. I know it's sucking and fucking and that's why we don't care because we're so ashamed of our sexuality. So we go, it's prison. It's them. It's, it's other. We don't, we won't protect it. But, like, if you had a porno where it was just two, a guy and a girl talking about how they're stepbrothers, so they're not really related. And then right before they kiss, it cuts to black. That's just a French art film.

• 1:25:33Speaker 05

  But as soon as dick goes into puss, we, the whole American government, who loves money, who loves commerce, what's more successful than pornography? I, like, we love winning. We'll, we'll allow corporations to break every rule as long as they're winning. Well, nothing's winning more than pornography, right? Like, it makes a lot of money.

• 1:25:53Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:25:53Speaker 05

  But it makes people who didn't make it money. It makes some fucking guy hiding in a bunker in Sweden, billions of dollars, literally off the backs of people that make these porns, right? And I'm, I'm saying that's fucked up. So OnlyFans seems like a great solution.

• 1:26:11Andrew Santino?

  It does.

• 1:26:12Speaker 05

  Look them in the eye. Look them in the eye. Buy them dinner. Pay their rent. You fucking coward. You're gonna pay, you're gonna bankroll some thief who's ripping this shit consequence-free?

• 1:26:25Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:26:26Speaker 05

  And so much of it is underage, so much of it is non-consensual, secret hidden camera fucking bullshit. Get off those things. I, I'm saying if you want to do porn, go to OnlyFans. I think that's a great solution.

• 1:26:37Andrew Santino?

  Because it's creator-generated.

• 1:26:38Speaker 05

  It's creator, I'm a comedian. I, I'm playing the hand I dealt.

• 1:26:42Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:26:42Speaker 05

  I was dealt, like, I don't, you, I'm not, I'm not, it's hard to talk about this without making it sound like porn people are funny, like, big deets. I'm, I'm not. I'm saying they're playing the hand. They, they went this way in show business. And it's show business.

• 1:26:55Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 1:26:56Speaker 05

  And they're being ripped.

• 1:26:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:58Speaker 05

  And like, I've tried to make it funny, but like, you can't do it without putting them down. You're like, you give Meryl Streep an Oscar, this woman, X, Y, Z. Something crazy.

• 1:27:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:08Speaker 05

  But like, joke aside. That's serious work. It's sex work. It's serious work.

• 1:27:13Andrew Santino?

  It's work, yeah.

• 1:27:13Speaker 05

  It's fucking work. You ever see a porno and it jump cuts? Something happened.

• 1:27:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, what happened?

• 1:27:18Speaker 05

  Something went wrong. I don't mean violence or weird. I just mean guy lost his dick. Something.

• 1:27:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:26Speaker 05

  It's a production. People worked. People were relieved when it was done. I don't mean because hopefully, I'm one of those people. I'm like, please enjoy it. I really hope you're enjoying it. I want everyone to be happy.

• 1:27:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:37Speaker 05

  But like, you know, you clocked out. Maybe you didn't feel like it that day. You still showed up and you did your job. People are getting ripped left and right, but no politician wants to run on the policy of like, these MILFs have bills, you know, they don't, they can't do it. Because we're so, we're almost at a Japanese, I mean that, like Japan has such a dichotomy between their shadow and their everyday life. We have it too. We're still puritanical and so ashamed.

• 1:28:05Andrew Santino?

  We are very puritanical.

• 1:28:06Speaker 05

  Meanwhile, billions and billions and billions of views. Who do you think's looking at this stuff? Who do you think's making this stuff? Americans.

• 1:28:14Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:28:15Speaker 05

  American people. You're next to them in the movies, you're next to them at Trader Joe's, and you're ripping them off. They have families, they have kids, they have bills, they're just like you, but prisoners and porn stars. We just don't fucking care.

• 1:28:29Andrew Santino?

  God, I love you. I mean, it's like the most eloquent way to put that.

• 1:28:35Speaker 05

  I wish I could do it on stage. It's just not funny.

• 1:28:37Andrew Santino?

  No, but it's, but it's wonderful.

• 1:28:38Speaker 05

  It's a good podcast bit.

• 1:28:40Andrew Santino?

  It's a great bit.

• 1:28:41Speaker 05

  I appreciate it.

• 1:28:42Andrew Santino?

  And on that note, we got some good laughs. We got some goofball shit. But silly.

• 1:28:48Speaker 05

  Silly.

• 1:28:48Andrew Santino?

  Silly. Fun.

• 1:28:50Speaker 05

  Fun boy.

• 1:28:50Andrew Santino?

  Boy.

• 1:28:51Speaker 05

  Silly, silly, fun boy.

• 1:28:52Andrew Santino?

  Is probably the most, um, appropriate title of anything you've ever put out.

• 1:28:57Speaker 05

  Val really likes it.

• 1:28:57Andrew Santino?

  No, it's just the most appropriate thing you've ever put out in terms of. Your other titles have been clever and funny and you, but this is, this is, yes.

• 1:29:06Speaker 05

  This is veal.

• 1:29:08Andrew Santino?

  Call it how I see it.

• 1:29:09Speaker 05

  Just name it. This is silly, silly.

• 1:29:10Andrew Santino?

  And go watch it right now. I want all of our fans.

• 1:29:12Speaker 05

  It's on YouTube. It's free.

• 1:29:13Andrew Santino?

  We're gonna link it down below. And please go watch it. Please also preorder the book. That will be linked below.

• 1:29:18Speaker 05

  Oh, Spells to Cast on Your Parents, yeah.

• 1:29:19Andrew Santino?

  Please, please go and go enjoy that.

• 1:29:21Speaker 05

  What I was gonna say to your fans, books get lost in the shuffle, and this is a book that's very special to me. So pre-orders make a difference.

• 1:29:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, preorder it.

• 1:29:30Speaker 05

  So please don't wait for, it's not out for a couple of months, but like, please preorder it. Because that stuff is, it helps the algorithm. I hate to like plead here.

• 1:29:38Andrew Santino?

  No, no, that's real.

• 1:29:38Speaker 05

  I love this book, so if you think, oh, that sounds like something I might get, please don't wait for it to come out. Just preorder. I don't think it's very expensive. It'll show up on your door.

• 1:29:47Andrew Santino?

  And if you're a childless loser like myself, you can all, you can order it for a friend.

• 1:29:51Speaker 05

  For your nieces, nephew, friends.

• 1:29:51Andrew Santino?

  Friends. You have friends. I know you have friends with kids. People are making kids all the time.

• 1:29:55Speaker 05

  You can read it to your lover in a weird kink.

• 1:29:57Andrew Santino?

  I would read this to my wife and that'd be funny. Cast spells on me.

• 1:30:00Speaker 05

  If you could make a video of that, that's worth 10 Gs. For me. I'll give you 10 Gs.

• 1:30:05Andrew Santino?

  Well, cast spells on your daddy? Is that what it is?

• 1:30:07Speaker 05

  Spells to cast on your daddy.

• 1:30:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:30:09Speaker 05

  I can't tell you what the spells are. But you're gonna wanna, you're gonna wanna stretch.

• 1:30:14Andrew Santino?

  Go preorder it. Go watch the special. Go to, go to Pete Holmes's website to go see him, uh, live on tour. PeteHolmes.com. Enjoy him, consume him. He's one of my favorite comedians and friends in the business.

• 1:30:26Speaker 05

  And pay for your porn.

• 1:30:27Andrew Santino?

  And please pay for your porn. Look into that camera. Say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready. One word or one phrase.

• 1:30:36Andrew Santino?

  You've done both. I think you've said a phrase before and you've also said one singular word on this show.

• 1:30:40Speaker 05

  Wait, it can be a phrase?

• 1:30:41Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:30:42Speaker 05

  Pay for your porn.

• 1:30:43Andrew Santino?

  Perfect.

• 1:30:45Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

• 1:30:59Speaker 04

  You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger's? Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

• 1:31:12Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 1:31:42Speaker 01

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