Dr. Becky: Parenting 101

Join Alex in the studio for a conversation with parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy. Dr. Becky explains what it means to be a sturdy parent and how to raise confident kids, set boundaries, and give your children the tools they need for long-term success. She gets into why your kids can trigger you, how your own childhood can show up in the way you parent, and what to do when you and your partner have different parenting styles. Dr. Becky also shares how to let go of the pressure to be the “perfect” parent, move through mom guilt, trust yourself through the hard moments, and hold onto your identity along the way. Enjoy!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Macy's. Forget the full wardrobe overhaul. This fall, remix what you already own with a few fresh pieces from Macy's. Macy's has curated the key pieces that make your closet feel brand new from rich suede and statement sweaters to voluminous denim, tailored separates, and two-tone jewelry. Bring retro back with rugby stripes, varsity details, and classic blues and reds, or add a little glamour with flowy silhouettes and layered accessories. Build each look into your existing wardrobe and make it your own. Shop now in store or at macy's.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Tinder with Tinder Group Hangouts. The

• 0:42Alex Cooper?

  plan actually makes it out of the group chat. What a concept. With group hangouts, you and your friends pick an activity. It can be drinks, mini golf, karaoke, whatever sounds like the fun move for you and your friends. Then you can find another group who are looking for the same vibe. No blind date, no forced pairing, just your people doing something you were already gonna do, except now. There's a possibility for new connections and maybe romance. Try Tinder Group Hangouts. Download Tinder today.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Nowadays, you have certain expectations when you fly, like people napping on the airport floor or flying in your pajamas. You know what you don't expect? Free drinks. But now, T-Mobile members get a free premium drink when they fly Delta Airlines. So just sit back, relax, and switch to T-Mobile today. Visit tmobile.com/membership for details. It's better over here.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Get a free premium Delta drink with eligible plan and link SkyMiles account 24 hours before qualifying. Flight required. Must be 21 or older. CT life for terms.

• 1:45Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. Uber just introduced a new feature called Women Preferences, which lets women riders request a woman driver directly in the app. It's honestly an amazing feature that gives women more control over their rides. Sometimes we all just want a ride that feels a little more comfortable and chill. So if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new Women Preferences feature is available now in the Uber app. Learn more on the Uber app.

• 2:14Alex Cooper?

  What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy.

• 2:23Alex Cooper?

  Dr. Becky, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  So excited to be here. Thank you.

• 2:26Alex Cooper?

  Okay, you are a clinical psychologist and you are often referred to as the millennial parent whisperer. You essentially break down parenting in a very smart, empathetic way. And so I think all of my daddy gang moms or future moms-to-be are gonna really enjoy this episode. But I also think for anyone who maybe that isn't their journey, I do think they're gonna get a lot out of this episode as well, because we are gonna talk about boundaries and attachment theory and confidence, which is applicable to everyone. So, thank you for being here.

• 3:01Speaker 02

  Excited to jump into it all.

• 3:03Alex Cooper?

  You also kind of had this moment where you turned this parenting philosophy, Good Inside, into essentially a huge brand. And this has become like, kind of like, you're the cornerstone of like, a lot of things you talk about. Can you explain the idea behind that name?

• 3:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think it goes back to so many more years ago than even my Instagram started, where I said, okay, so if I'm gonna, gonna give myself permission to question the pure punishment timeout version of parenting, what am I left with? If I strip away all the assumptions from a first principles perspective, and I was kind of left with two things. One was, I think kids are born good inside. Like, I just don't believe babies are born thinking, I'm gonna wake up my parents a lot and, you know, and make them not sleep and give them a hard time. I think kids are born good inside. And then this other thing I was left with is that kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills. And so that's why good kids do a lot of bad things,

• 4:04Speaker 02

  because when any of us, by the way, at any age, have feelings that overpower skills, they come out as behavior. And so it all came down to that. And that first idea that we're born good inside explains why we need to teach skills, that we don't have to so much insert all these things into a kid. They kind of have them and we have to help them access them.

• 4:24Alex Cooper?

  I love that, because I think so much of it, you're right, is like, it does put a lot on the parents, where it's like, this is, a lot of this can actually be in your control to help your child continue to be good. Of course, there's gonna be mess ups, and of course, there's gonna be hardships. But it's like, most children are coming out and are good human beings. And then, by nurture and nature, it's like, what is going to happen in their circumstances? They're gonna mold them into the human being they're gonna be. And no pressure, parents, but you are a majority of that. So buckle up and good luck.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, and it sounds intimidating, but I think, I think actually, so much of the idea of Good Inside came down to, in my practice, everyone wants to know what to do. What do I do when my kid hits? What do I do when my kid lies to my face? But way before we can think of an effective strategy, it actually comes down to, what's my mindset? How am I looking at my kid? And I think there's two mindsets we have when our kid acts out. Do I have a good kid having a hard time? Or do I have a bad kid doing bad things? And there's no strategy that matters as much as thinking about that mindset. By the way, it's the same as a marriage. My husband's annoying me. Is he a good person, having a hard time? Or is he a bad person doing things to me? And everything flows from there.

• 5:41Alex Cooper?

  Such a good point. Okay, we need to get into gentle parenting.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, we do.

• 5:47Alex Cooper?

  Because I was so excited to ask you about this, because I know it is very buzzy. It's very controversial. People have a lot of thoughts, even like, in prepping for this, I was like, asking around, like, oh, like, what's your parenting style? Just to see if anyone I'm interacting with does gentle parenting. And so I want to get your opinion. Where do you stand on this approach? And also, for anyone that maybe doesn't know what it is, if you can explain it a little bit.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  So I don't even know if I'm the best person to explain it. And I think probably it's been portrayed, like most things, in these extreme ways in the media that nobody actually believes. It's just makes for funny memes, you know? So I think the stereotypical gentle parent focuses a lot of their, a lot on their kids' feelings. A lot. Oh, you're so mad. No wonder you're so mad. They really care about their kids' feelings. And I don't think the intention is to stay there. But I think people believe that gentle parenting is an attention on your kids' feelings without a focus on boundaries and rules and kind of the other half. And so, the term gentle parenting,

• 6:56Speaker 02

  what I can say, has never appealed to me. Because when I think about my best parenting moments, gentle is just so far down the list of how I would describe myself. And I think, we talk a lot of Good Inside about being a sturdy parent. And it's not a word we often use, but I think in your own life, you probably know someone who feels sturdy, and they're at once able to listen to you and care for you, but they in no ways lose themselves in the process. Like, you can locate them as well. I think that's what we need to go for.

• 7:28Alex Cooper?

  Such a good point, because I feel like I was having this conversation with my friend the other day, just obviously as I'm preparing to become a parent. And I, a lot of my life, I was so fortunate to look up to really incredible parents. My mom and my dad, I, that's half the reason I was worried about getting married, because I'm like, how am I gonna replicate this? Because they did such a great job. And I feel like that's probably more, like, less common than the other situation. And so I got really lucky. But something I always felt with my mom was like, she was so solid in her parenting techniques. And I really, now when I look back,

• 8:08Alex Cooper?

  no, I was such a good word to hear from her, as much as it was probably annoying when I was a child. I, no actually made me feel safe. At the time, it pissed me off. But my mother, like, telling me no and, and giving me boundaries, it actually allowed me as a child to feel safe and make me feel like, okay, there are parameters that a sturdy person is putting around me, and I'm not the one in control. Because when a child feels in control, like they can do anything, I don't know who I would have, I would have become a monster, Becky.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  Me too.

• 8:43Alex Cooper?

  I would have been off the rails.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  I think you're right. I mean, safety exists within a container. If you feel like you can control the edges of the world yourself, that's, it's terrifying. You won't say it as a kid. You seem happy in the moment, because there's no overt conflict. But those are the people, I can't even tell you how many 20-somethings I've seen in my practice, who feel really angry later on at their parents. Like, oh, I was mad at you, so you didn't set rules that were good for me? Like, that pisses me off now.

• 9:15Alex Cooper?

  Okay, can we talk about some, like, maladaptive behaviors that you see that could come as a result of gentle parenting?

• 9:23Speaker 02

  Yeah. And again, I believe we have to let kids know their feelings are real.

• 9:30Speaker 02

  And kids' feelings cannot dictate parental decisions and world realities. Right? I think we've gone from you don't want to go to Aunt Sally's. Um, who cares? Stop whining to you don't want to go to Aunt Sally's. So now one of us will stay home and you don't have to go. And so if I think about what that means, let's say then 10 years from now, 20 years from now, it's a really dangerous thing for people to think my feelings give me the right to change the world around me. My feelings are information, but my feelings are more of a signal than some external truth. It can lead to a lot of narcissism. It can lead to really unhealthy relationship patterns.

• 10:10Alex Cooper?

  Right. Because it's almost like the kid is kind of then in control always.

• 10:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 10:15Alex Cooper?

  And once they learn that, then it's kind of a free for all. Cause now it's all predicated on what your child is feeling. And then you're going to adapt for them. And they never kind of almost have to go through the hardships of learning like, that's not how this works. And then I can imagine in school or with peers, when they don't get what they want, they're going to have friction because other kids are going to be like, we all were told, we can't do that. Why are you still trying to do it?

• 10:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. Learning how to tolerate things not going your way. Learning how to tolerate disappointment, learning how to tolerate jealousy. These are the skills of life and you can't develop skills for experiences you've never had. So if every time you feel a feeling, your parent gives you an exit ramp, you're going to expect the world to give you exit ramps.

• 11:00Alex Cooper?

  Okay. So talking about being a sturdy parent.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 11:04Alex Cooper?

  I know that you have kind of used this like pilot metaphor before, and I think that could maybe help people understand it even more. Can you explain how this translates to parenting?

• 11:15Speaker 02

  Yes. So imagine being a passenger. Okay. And I'm assuming you don't have a pilot license, do you?

• 11:21Alex Cooper?

  I do not.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  Okay. I would mess up my metaphor. Um, okay. And there's intense turbulence, like not normal, really intense turbulence. And I think in that situation, let's say you, the other passengers are kind of screaming, you're nervous. And I think there's one of three announcements that could come on from the pilot and they perfectly kind of mimic different approaches to parenting. So one pilot one says, hey, everyone, stop screaming back there. You're freaking out over nothing. You are so dramatic. Why can't you have one flight where you're just calm? It's no big deal. Right?

• 11:52Alex Cooper?

  Oh my God. Can you imagine?

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Well, exactly. That I would be more activated.

• 11:57Alex Cooper?

  Me too.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  First of all, I'd be thrown off that my screaming is enough to make my pilot unnerved. I also, if my pilot says it's not even big turbulence, if I felt like it was, I'd be like, well, it maybe it is like, are you missing something?

• 12:11Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  You know?

• 12:11Alex Cooper?

  Why do I feel like I know a little bit more than you in this moment?

• 12:13Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 12:14Alex Cooper?

  Or why are you trying to downplay this in this moment?

• 12:16Speaker 02

  Exactly. So that's pilot one, not so good. Pilot two is kind of the opposite extreme, which is, hey, guys, it's a lot of turbulence. I'm going to open up the cockpit doors. If anyone back there wants to come and fly the plane, because this is a really tricky situation and maybe one of you knows what to do. And this is when we don't have any authority, there's no boundaries. And we look to our passengers to make decisions that really should rely in a closed cockpit. We are not equal decision makers with our kid.

• 12:45Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 12:46Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm not even scared of the turbulence anymore. I'm just scared that this person's my pilot. Right? And so I think the first situation is kind of pure reactivity. The second situation is no boundaries. And here's pilot three. Hey guys, I hear you screaming back there. There's a lot of turbulence and by the way, if you want to keep screaming, scream away. I've been a pilot a number of years. I know we're going to get through the situation. I'm going to stop this announcement right now and go back to doing my job. And I'll see you when we land at LAX.

• 13:13Alex Cooper?

  I want that pilot. I'm like, yes.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  Exactly. And I think there's two components. They validated my reality. If I think the turbulence is enough to scream, that is based in some reality in my body. I don't know if it's really big turbulence, but I'm already screaming. I want that scene, but I don't want my feelings to be contagious to my pilot. That's terrifying. So I literally need that boundary. Kind of, I understand you're upset and you're upset doesn't infiltrate my experience. I can hold my own experience separate from that.

• 13:50Alex Cooper?

  Right. And, and it doesn't impact my ability as the parent, AKA the pilot, to do the job that you are fully relying on me to do. And that is so, putting it in that terms, I think is so digestible because I agree. I would freak out if there was a pilot who was kind of like unknowing of what's going on. And I bet that's how children can sense like, oh, my parent has no idea what's going on. And that's again, when they are going to act out, you see it with the kids when the parents are like, I don't, I don't know. And they're anxious. Like, what do we do? And they're like, you don't know? Oh, let's wreak havoc because if you don't know, then I'm going to take charge and it's going to be a disaster.

• 14:30Speaker 02

  I mean, it's so thoughtful and insightful that you said that because that's exactly right. Where parents will then say, but then my kid, my kid takes advantage of me. No, your kid gets activated because when we say things like, hey, I'm going to change altitude now. Okay. Okay. Is that okay? I'm going to make an emergency landing, guys. Okay?

• 14:51Alex Cooper?

  No.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  No. Okay.

• 14:52Alex Cooper?

  Don't ask me.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  Why are you raising your voice? I'm going to turn off the TV now. Okay? That will make a kid, it's not take advantage, but they sense that there's no pilot. And I think a four-year-old is similar to, I'm going to go out with my friends. Okay. And dad's going to put you to bed and I need to go out with my friends to be a happy person. And my four-year-old's like, are you asking my permission to have a life? That is so, that feels so bad for a four-year-old.

• 15:20Alex Cooper?

  Right. Cause it feels unstable.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  So unstable. Why are you looking to me?

• 15:24Alex Cooper?

  Thank you to Klavio for sponsoring today's segment. Okay. So something I recognize is that every single week you guys see me on Call Her Daddy, interviewing a guest or doing a solo episode. And I love that part of my job truly so much. But another aspect of my business that has been so fulfilling is building a company that has the ability to make a real impact. And I have realized that a lot of you probably don't know what goes on behind the scenes at Unwell. The people, the initiatives and essentially the work that we're doing outside of just creating the content that you see every day. So about two and a half years ago, we launched the Unwell Foundation.

• 16:04Alex Cooper?

  And it was really important to me and my company and all of us to basically use the incredible opportunities that we have been given to find ways also to give back in a very meaningful way. At the core of the Unwell Foundation, it is supporting women. Over the last few years, we have donated money, resources, our time to help women across the country, whether that means supporting women who have experienced homelessness or abuse, helping provide resources for mothers and their children, or also just partnering with organizations focused on women's mental health, financial health, physical health, whatever it be. As the foundation has grown, we have basically wanted to expand our reach beyond just Los Angeles.

• 16:48Alex Cooper?

  And we've wanted to connect with more organizations and women across the country. Klavio has helped us do that by allowing us to basically organize our outreach and communicate more efficiently and connect with foundations and individuals who align with the work that we are trying to do. As Call Her Daddy continues to grow, staying connected to the daddy gang will always be one of the most important parts of what we do. You can build more personalized valuable customer relationships with klavio.com.

• 17:20Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Macy's. Forget the full wardrobe overhaul. This fall, remix what you already own with a few fresh pieces from Macy's.

• 18:02Alex Cooper?

  Macy's has curated the key pieces that make your closet feel brand new from rich suede and statement sweaters to voluminous denim, tailored separates and two-tone jewelry. Bring retro back with rugby stripes, varsity details and classic blues and reds, or add a little glamour with flowy silhouettes and layered accessories. Build each look into your existing wardrobe and make it your own. Shop now in store or at macy's.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify. Daddy gang, you know, I'm a little skeptical of the internet at times, aren't we all? But one thing I absolutely love is how much easier it has made starting a business.

• 18:44Alex Cooper?

  No matter what stage you're at, Shopify is the best place to start and grow a business. With Shopify, you get to own your storefront while still being discovered everywhere from Google to YouTube to the shop app. They also let you sell across Tik Tok, Instagram, Pinterest, even directly inside AI chats. So your customers can shop wherever they already are and your products can appear directly alongside content. So as someone is scrolling, they just become part of their feed. Shopify truly makes it so much easier for customers to discover and buy products wherever they're browsing. And this has been such a game changer for Unwell. I love being able to sell merch directly on all of the Call Her Daddy channels.

• 19:28Alex Cooper?

  So everything is in one place for the daddy gang. So ready to add entrepreneur to your list of accomplishments? Head to Shopify.com/daddy. That's Shopify.com/daddy.

• 19:42Alex Cooper?

  So let's talk about parenting styles, though, when two parents, you've got two people, a lot of times in these dynamics, right? We have the absolute incredible women who are doing it on their own, which I'm like, you know what? You deserve every award in the book. Let's say you do have two people in the parenting dynamic. Okay. And one of those people came from a really strict household and the other one came from a pretty relaxed household. And so you have two parents that are trying to navigate how to parent, but they have very different approaches.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:22Alex Cooper?

  How does this impact the child?

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Well, I think I'll start with the partnership because that matters, which, and you kind of alluded to it, but I think it is important to understand that parenting is a language, right? And whatever language was in our home is going to be the thing that comes naturally, whether we want it to or not, because some parents say, my parents were too strict, but still, when my kid says to me, you're the worst dad in the world, you're the worst mom, my body is gonna look in and say, what do I know about situations like this in terms of how to respond? And you might find the words coming out of your mouth that you told yourself you'd never say. So coming into having kids or at any point reflecting, what happened in my home? And what am I bringing to this,

• 21:07Speaker 02

  whether I want to or not? That's number one. Number two, I think you're talking about, you know, what happens when you have two parents who aren't on the same page? How does that impact the kid? I think the thing that's hardest for the kid is when those differences lead to a lot of undermining and overt conflict with the kid, because kids then internalize that and they, that's one more thing they're trying to hold in their body and often is a reason for a lot more acting out. They're just like absorbing all the conflict.

• 21:35Alex Cooper?

  Could you give an example of that?

• 21:37Speaker 02

  So let's just say, you know, it's me and my husband and he hears me say, after this episode, I'm turning off the TV. Right? Okay. And I go and I turn off the TV and my kid starts whining. And then my husband says, you know, just give him five more minutes. That's really, really hard on the kid. Because now I'll probably say, whoa, I'm working on holding this boundary and, you know, different things. And why am I the only adult in this house? And, and then my kid isn't just responding to ending screen time, they're responding to, oh, again, the system, we live in systems. So the system around me that I need to feel safe doesn't itself feel so

• 22:16Speaker 02

  safe versus I say this, and my husband thinks, Becky, you're a little uptight. Let's just say he thinks that. Probably some truth to that. And he finds me later. And he says, look, I feel like screen time limits, especially it could have been 10 more minutes, whatever his argument is, right? Finding me outside the moment, but in the moment, kind of backing up my choice and tolerating the kids whining and not undermining me. We're never going to agree with everything with our spouse, but how much it comes into play, kind of comes alive right next to my kid, I think, you know, that's the biggest difference.

• 22:56Alex Cooper?

  I can imagine how, again, also disorienting that is for the child, because it's already hard for a kid to be like, okay, I have to listen to my parents, right? And if you're wavering, like we've talked about, it's confusing to them. So then to have two complete people that have authority over you on different pages, I can't imagine how like split their brain is trying to navigate, because then you're also not seeing this as a unit.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 23:24Alex Cooper?

  And so I hear what you're saying, which is great advice, is it's like, even if in the moment, you disagree with what your partner maybe is doing, it's a conversation not in front of the child, because you want to present as a united front.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 23:38Alex Cooper?

  Yes, so that the children are obviously respecting you, but more so, so the child has that sturdy pilot in front of them. And they don't have to be like, but all the time that my dad does this, or my mom does this, or my mom and my mom do that, it's like, too much for the kid to process when they're just trying to be like, I thought, I was trying to figure out the boundary.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:57Alex Cooper?

  And you guys actually made the boundary more confusing.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's kind of like hearing your co-pilots argue about what altitude you should be flying at.

• 24:03Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  Right?

• 24:04Alex Cooper?

  And like the button gets pressed and you're not supposed to be hearing it. You're like, um, I feel like the plane's going down. Can you two focus on doing the job instead of fighting?

• 24:12Speaker 02

  That's exactly right. And, you know, it's interesting, because someone asked me this question recently, and I brought it to my own husband, because I have this, these kids I call deeply feeling kids, who I think kind of need a little bit of a different approach. And anyway, and someone said, how did you get your husband on board with that approach? Because he was definitely raised not, you know, in the same way. And I asked him, how did I get you on board? And he goes, I'm not on board. I was like, oh, what? You know?

• 24:35Alex Cooper?

  You're like, excuse me?

• 24:36Speaker 02

  That just blew my mind. He goes, I'm not on board. Like, so much of my body, especially when our daughter was younger, was saying like, I want to do things differently, but I just didn't get in the way. And I kind of watched it and I trusted you. And I just think when I shared this with our community, they found it very liberating. Maybe I don't need my partner to have 100% agreement. But what if we just chose different lanes, or we said to each other, I'm not going to undermine what you're doing. And let's watch it play out for a certain number of months, however long, and then revisit it. It's kind of like at work. You're not always going to agree with what another team is doing, but you probably can say, let's give this six months. Let's see how this plays out. And I'm not going to come to every meeting arguing against this project you're working on.

• 25:19Alex Cooper?

  Well, it's such a good point, too. It's like, there's never, even when you're in a relationship without children, there is no winning an argument. It's finding that middle ground where you both feel heard and respected. And when it comes to a child and parenting a child, I'm assuming it's then applicable to be like, one of us is gonna have more of like an innate feeling of how we should approach this.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:40Alex Cooper?

  And if you feel so strongly, I have to respect and trust you. Let's go with it. And that's great. And then we can adjust if it doesn't work.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:47Alex Cooper?

  But it's way better than us both walking in and be like, no, I disagree. And the kids literally stand there like, which one should I listen to today?

• 25:53Speaker 02

  They're a ping pong ball. I think, like, disagree and commit, you know?

• 25:57Alex Cooper?

  Um, does this in any capacity, when we're talking about, you know, parenting and being on the same page or any of that, you talk about being long-term greedy.

• 26:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:07Alex Cooper?

  And I am so fascinated and need you to explain this, because I'm like, what does that mean?

• 26:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, where I think about how many years our kids are young and in our home, and then how many years our kids are going to be older and out of our home. And those are the same differences in years where our kids are either locked into a relationship with us when they live with us. And then after they're out of our house, they get to choose the type of relationship they have with us. And also, the stakes only get higher in life. Don't get me wrong, like, dealing with the sandbox drama is so stressful. But if my kid doesn't know how to play well with others when they're in a job, or when they're 45, I think the stakes are higher. And so I think we generally have kind of two options in all of these different hard moments with

• 26:54Speaker 02

  our kid. I mean, they're intervening for comfort and happiness today. But in doing that, I'm probably not helping my kid develop the skills they will need long-term. Or, to be honest, because it's not, you know, all fun and games, I am enduring some amount of short-term inconvenience and pain today, because I know this ladders up to something important. So here's a great example. We're kind of getting close to back to school. My kid, or I get the school list, and I find out, oh, my goodness, my daughter isn't with her four best friends in class and school hasn't started yet. And I'm thinking, do I call the school? And my kid gets a little anxious and she's going to be so upset. If I'm short-term focused, meaning I'm trying

• 27:39Speaker 02

  to optimize for my kid's short-term comfort and happiness, I'm going to call the school. Long-term, what gets wired in their body, right? Because the kid's early years with us forms their default settings for what to expect later on, is, I don't know, I'm sure there's going to be a day in college where she sees her friends have a dorm room without her. And I don't know, do I want my kid to call me and be like, will you call the dorm? Or do I want my kid to know by that point, this sucks, but I already have had life experience to see I can survive it and cope with it. And so when I think about long-term greediness, I think about, and by the way, we don't do this 100% of the time. There's some percentage

• 28:20Speaker 02

  me too. I'm like, here's the lollipop. Here's this, we have to, we're human. But if I have a general long-term greedy perspective, I understand how my interactions with my kid today are going to have a pretty big impact on their coping, their sense of capability, and their resilience versus fragility later on.

• 28:39Alex Cooper?

  I mean, that is so fascinating. And I also think it takes such perspective. And I can imagine it is, like you said, very difficult sometimes for a parent to have the wherewithal to be like, I'm literally sitting in a second grade class right now and we're dealing with this. And so if you can have that foresight to be like, this is temporarily uncomfortable for them, and they will be so much better off for it. And the temper tantrum, or when they tell me they hate me today, they're actually going to be like, thank God, my parents made me walk in and have that conversation alone with my teacher, instead of doing it for me. Because now, when I'm going into this job interview, I'm like, Mom, if you're watching this, my mom did that to me all the time. It was always like, no, you have to go speak to

• 29:23Alex Cooper?

  the coach. You have to go. And I was like, why can't you do it like every other parent does it?

• 29:27Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 29:27Alex Cooper?

  Where they all go talk to them for them. And she's like, one day you'll thank me, Alex. And I was like, I'm never going to thank you. I'm never going to talk to you after I turn 18. Meanwhile, I was like, thanks, Mom.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  Because, and I think an answer to that, if I'm thinking about your mom, is because I'm so invested in you discovering your own capability, and I will not steal that from you, just so you smile and are happy with me right now.

• 29:47Alex Cooper?

  Can we talk about confidence?

• 29:48Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:49Alex Cooper?

  Can you explain, just from everything you've seen, how can parents instill confidence in their kids? And also, that sounds so simple.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:59Alex Cooper?

  But like, what is the actual importance of that?

• 30:03Speaker 02

  So I'm curious, if you're willing, like, what, just to get into it, does a situation come to mind that you're like, that was a confidence building experience for me?

• 30:12Alex Cooper?

  I don't know if this is weird, but like, oddly enough, I think most of it was the resilience my parents.

• 30:21Alex Cooper?

  Forced me to learn in moments like kind of similar to what I'm saying, what I was just saying about having to do things on my own. I think my parents were very focused on making sure that I had a sense of self and a sense of independence.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:36Alex Cooper?

  And even though things were scary and uncomfortable, I never actually felt scared. Like my parents were always there.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:43Alex Cooper?

  But they were never doing things for me. And I think the more and more I learned, like, oh my God, I would run back to them after I had the really uncomfortable conversation with the soccer coach when I was 12. And I'm like, oh my God, no other kid my age was having to do it. And my mom made me have my one on one. And I was like, so nervous.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:00Alex Cooper?

  But when I, every time I came out of those moments and I got in the car with her, I would gush to her about like, and then I said this, and I remembered how you told me to say this. The confidence that was built was like, I trusted myself. And the trust that I built within myself started to then like, I felt like I had the answers sometimes before I had to go to my mom or my dad. And that built and built and built. And I think that just made me feel so supported.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 31:29Alex Cooper?

  But also I was my own person.

• 31:32Speaker 02

  I mean, you're saying so many words that are, you stole my words before. So I think first of all, there's the difference, we'll get to this between support and solutions. Those are very different things. Right? You knew you could always go back to your parents, but they didn't solve the situation for you. So I think we've been fed this idea that confidence means feeling good about yourself. But I believe confidence is self trust, which is a very different game. Because if you're optimizing for feeling good about yourself, from optimizing for my kid feeling good, I'm optimizing toward comfort. Fine, I'll do that thing for you. Or even when my kid says, um, let's take, you know, I'm

• 32:14Speaker 02

  the only one in my class who can't read chapter books, mom. If I think building confidence is about feeling good, I'll say, um, but you're the only one in your class who can play chess. Think about that. Because I'm trying to help my kid feel good. If confidence is self trust, and my kid says, I'm the only one in my class who can't read chapter books yet. First of all, I'm not going to say, you're right. You're a horrible reader. No. But first of all, probably just say something simple, like, first of all, I'm so glad you're telling me that. I believe you. What happened when they handed out the books today? Because my kid is bringing to me this experience. I'm upset in this way. And if I over and

• 32:54Speaker 02

  over say to my kid, essentially, that's not true. Then my kid learns, and this has such long implications. I think about college girls, like, other people have a better sense of my internal reality than I do. And I shouldn't be shocked. I mean this, that when that, let's say, young woman is at a bar, and someone's like, hey, come home with me. She's like, I don't know, it's a little early. Oh, don't make such a big deal out of it. You're making, and, and then if her internal circuit is, I do have a habit of overreacting to things. Other people outside my body have a better sense of how I'm feeling than I do. It becomes sad, but explainable, because she's learned to distrust herself.

• 33:41Alex Cooper?

  That is so, whoa. Because even when you're saying that too, I also think what comes to mind is, it's again, it's easy, quick gratification for the child to feel, I'm immediately going to make you feel safe. But I could also maybe see then, the child then starts to be like, I'm not going to probably bring this up. Because I think every time I bring up something to my parents about how like, I was not do, I was falling behind in class, I feel insecure, da da. Maybe there's more secrecy and you're hiding things because you are kind of embarrassed. We're like, every time I try to tell them, they kind of either downplay it, or they tell me it's not real. And so like, why would I share with them?

• 34:22Alex Cooper?

  Instead of holding the space for them, not solving it, but holding the space for them, like, oh my gosh, tell me about how that you made you feel in that moment.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Exactly. I mean, I have this concept of the feelings bench. I love anything with a visual. So if you think about a kid of any age or an adult going to their partner, and they're kind of wandering around this garden that has a lot of benches. Okay. And maybe your kid is on the bench of, I'm the only one in my class who can't read chapter books. But really, they're on the bench of, I feel less than other people. Right? Or, I'm looking around and people have things I don't have. They're going to be on that bench for the rest of their lives. Okay. And you're right, we often have two instincts as parents. I either try to convince them to go to a sunnier bench. Like, wait, that's good. Or some ways I say, your bench isn't your bench. Like, that's not true. And if

• 35:11Speaker 02

  I think about the parent who it's so hard and simple, just kind of sits on the bench. They're like, oh, tell me more about that. That happened. I'm building my kid's confidence. Because what I'm saying is, even the version of you, I'm going to cry, who is the slowest reader. I like that. I like that girl. I'm willing to sit with her. I'm not going to run away from her. I don't need her to just be the star chess player. And you're right, like, when kids are young, they're kind of learning, what's the range of experiences I can bring to my parent? Who can I be? What's attachable? Right? And yeah, confidence actually comes from not feeling like the best at everything. It feel, it's feeling like it's okay to be you when you're not the best at something.

• 35:56Alex Cooper?

  And you have a safe home where that yucky feeling that you felt at school of being embarrassed, you can then go home, and you can share it with your parents, and they're going to hold it with you and be like, gosh, I can imagine how that made you feel. And like, let's talk about it. I also can imagine, similar to what you just referenced with that bar example. This is very probably important if you are raising young girls in today's day and age, or literally whenever you've been raising young girls. Because so many of us are kind of socialized to doubt ourselves and to be like, you're being over dramatic. And oh, you're just being sensitive, and you're being this and that. If your daughter

• 36:37Alex Cooper?

  came to you about a situation that made her feel uncomfortable, how would you respond? And what is your advice to mothers and parents and everyone that's doing this?

• 36:49Speaker 02

  So, number one, we want to believe our kids' internal experiences. I think the reason that gets tricky is, that isn't a perfect one to one with exactly what I will or will not encourage her to do after. So for example, let's just say it's a little bit more of a vanilla situation. Mom, you know, I want to go back to soccer. I'm not starting anymore. It's so embarrassing. When I'm at practice, and then they say, starters on the field. And like, I'm not doing it. First of all, I want to believe her. And again, the first line, it is such a helpful line, whether you have kids or not, when someone tells you they're upset, just to make the first thing you say back, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. And stop talking. So glad you're talking to me about this. Tell me what happened at practice. Well, they said the starters, and I started

• 37:34Speaker 02

  to move on to the field. I'm like, oh, no, not me anymore. And I felt like everyone was looking at me and can't believe I lost my starting spot. I don't know, what am I going to say? That, that sounds, that sucks. Sounds like that sucks. And then I think what matters, at least I'm going to say in my house, when I encourage parents, is, so I'm not going to practice tomorrow. I feel like we've started to focus a little too much on the, I believe you part, and not enough, which is also a part of confidence on the, I believe in you part. And this is what it sounds like really happened in your family, which is so beautiful, which is the both. I believe you that soccer practice kind of sucks compared to what it used to be. I also want to let you know that you

• 38:16Speaker 02

  are a kid who can go, even when you're not a starter, and you're going to get through a practice that feels awful. And I'm going to be there in the car waiting to give you a big hug. Or if you don't want to hug, and you just want to yell at me the whole way home, I'll take that too. Either way, but it's going to happen. But it's, it's going to happen. You're still going to go. Because if I think about the long term greed focus, I want my kid to be able to regulate when they're older. And you can't manage a feeling you believe you're not supposed to have. You can't. You have to try to get it out of your body, and it comes out of your body as bad behavior. So I want my kid to be able to say when they get, you know, when they don't get the promotion, this sucks. I thought I was going to get a promotion this cycle. I believe myself. This stinks. And I'm going

• 38:59Speaker 02

  to work tomorrow. I am. I'm still going to go. I'm going to talk to my boss. What did I miss? Let's go over my review. I want both for my kids.

• 39:07Alex Cooper?

  I, I am like ingraining that in my head of, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Because I'm like, mom, why did I always feel so confident to come to you and dad about things that I'm like, some of my friends are like, I would have never told my parents that. And that is like, because I felt such an open space. And I know I was really, really fortunate to have that. But that line right there, I'm tucking that right here, Dr. Becky. And I'm going to keep that for when my child is in these situations.

• 39:43Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by My Mochi. Everyone is talking about Dubai chocolate, chocolate with pistachio flavored cream. Well, now Mochi Ice Cream has its own version of Dubai chocolate. Spoiler alert, guys, it's delicious. My Mochi Dubai Chocolate Ice Cream is premium pistachio flavored ice cream with kadayef and chocolatey flavored bits wrapped in sweet chewy chocolate flavored dough. It's only 80 calories per piece, nut free and easy to share because it comes in a box with six individual snacks. I am obsessed with My Mochi. And when you give me that

• 40:27Alex Cooper?

  plus a good chocolate, I'm gonna have that in my freezer. Every single night, I'm gonna pop one in. I am obsessed. I love it so much. Taste the joy with every bite of My Mochi Ice Cream. Look for the green and brown box of My Mochi Dubai Chocolate Ice Cream in the freezer aisle of your local grocery store. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Walk Hole. Women wear a lot of hats and no two days look exactly the same. Women's bodies are constantly changing from stress, hormones, weight fluctuations, pregnancy, postpartum, all different stages of life. And Walk Hole bras simply deliver on fit, feel, and function without compromise. Their fit philosophy is grounded in science informed by over 2 million real women and their real bodies.

• 41:11Alex Cooper?

  Support for every you underneath it all lies Walk Hole. Visit walkhole.com to learn more and find your perfect fit. You'll get free shipping on orders of $80 or more and new email subscribers receive 10% off their first order with code CALLHERDADDY. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Pandora Jewelry. I love to accessorize my outfits with jewelry, obviously, and I feel like all the time depending on my outfit, it's gonna be kind of dependent on what jewelry I'm wanting to wear that day. Discover Pandora Talisman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Because the most powerful statement you can make is being yourself, obviously. Daddy gang,

• 41:53Alex Cooper?

  they have meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces. Each design tells a story that's uniquely yours, a reflection of what you stand for, what you believe, and how you choose to show up every day. Pandora Talisman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net.

• 42:15Alex Cooper?

  For maybe some of our newer moms, for me, for, you know, the daddy gang that's just like getting started, I wanna now like dive a little bit more into boundaries. Because obviously, you bringing up that one of the biggest parts of parenting is boundaries. I love how you said earlier, like, I also don't know if a lot of people even know what boundaries are, because that word is thrown around so much and on social media especially. So can you define boundaries?

• 42:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:46Alex Cooper?

  What are we talking about?

• 42:48Speaker 02

  Boundaries are something you tell your kid you will do, and they require your kid to do nothing. And I love that definition, because every time I say something when I think I'm setting a boundary, I can just assess, like, do I have two checkmarks? Did I tell my kid something I will do? And does this thing require my kid to do zero? Which is why, like, if my kid's jumping, um, actually, a better example, because my third kid has 0% people pleasing in him. Zero.

• 43:19Alex Cooper?

  Love that for him.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  I love that. Yes. Okay. And so, my first kid, I live in New York City, right? We're in an elevator building. So if I said, hey, when we get into the elevator, sweetie, don't press all the buttons. My first kid would say, you're right, that would be disrespectful. Like, he was just a different kid. If I said that to my third kid like that, he'd say, okay. And by the way, it would now be so much more fun to press every single one.

• 43:43Alex Cooper?

  The scene in Elf.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  Right?

• 43:45Alex Cooper?

  He does it all. He does it all.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  All of them. So bright. And so, this is a situation where I think parents would say, you have a kid who doesn't respect your boundaries. And then we get into really common patterns. I start, if you do it, no dessert tonight, right? And then I give him sorbet for dessert, because fruit isn't dessert, and I undermine my authority, like these awful things. I end up yelling. Okay, if I say to him, don't press the elevator buttons, am I telling him what I'm gonna do? No. Does the success require him to do nothing? No, it actually requires him to have a lot of self-control. That is not a boundary, that's a request. All the time, as parents, we think we're setting boundaries when we're actually making requests. And requests are more frequent, and it's often, we start with a request,

• 44:28Speaker 02

  but if our kid is showing us they can't follow it, or if just it's more of a safety issue, or my kid is out of control, I have to set a boundary. So with my kid, I could set this boundary in two ways. Sweetie, when we go into the elevator, I'm gonna stand between you and the buttons, and even if you lunge toward the buttons, I will block you. That's what I would say to him. And, and then, my third kid has ninja moves. Like, and I'm, Alex, like, I'm ready. If you think I'm getting in the elevator, holding two bags, no, no, no, no, no. I am like, gonna put my bag down, and I am ready. And then I'm just gonna go like this. Or I could set a boundary, because sometimes those words will

• 45:07Speaker 02

  escalate. A non-people pleaser, they're like, oh, game on, game on. And I might just step in between him and the buttons, saying nothing, get ready for the lunge, and say, my kid's jumping on the couch. And let's say they're jumping, I don't know, right near a glass table. Like, I wouldn't even care if my kid jumped on the couch, but I don't want my kid to get hurt. It is not a boundary to say, get off the couch. That's a request. I'm not telling my kid what I will do, and it requires my kid to do something. And then again, it's like, well, if you don't get, if you don't stop, I'm gonna count to five, and a boundary is saying, look, sweetie, and you can say this kindly, it's kind and firm at the same time. It looks like it's hard for you to stop jumping on the couch. I'm gonna walk over there, and if by the time I get there, you're not off the couch,

• 45:52Speaker 02

  I will pick you up, and I will put you on the floor. And this matters. It's my number one job to keep you safe. That goes back to the job of boundaries. It's such a powerful thing as a parent, to hear yourself say that, and for your kid over and over, because it reminds you, it's like, it's not to keep you happy. My number one job is to keep you safe, so I'm gonna put you on the ground, and you can jump on the floor. And then if that's my house, my kid won't look at me when I say that, and just say, okay. No, depending on who my kid is and their temperament, they might keep jumping. I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna say, I'm picking you up now. No, hey, five, let's count to five. No, I'm picking you up now. And my kid will melt down when they're young, because that's what kids do. None of us like to want to do something and have someone stop us. It's

• 46:36Speaker 02

  just not a fun experience. But this is where the jobs make so much sense. If I'm like an A-plus student, I can do both jobs at once. I set the boundary, my kid gets upset, and I'm just gonna say something simple. It's more fun to jump on the couch. But that doesn't mean I'm letting my kid back on the couch.

• 46:54Alex Cooper?

  Okay, the request, I get it now, because you're like, the request is like, you're just asking them to not do something, or to do something, or whatever. The boundary is, if this happens, I'm doing this.

• 47:07Speaker 02

  Yes. It's, a boundary is an assertion, Alex, of your power. This is why it's especially important for women. This matters just as much in the workplace. We give our power away all the time by making certain things dependent on other people behaving in a certain way versus defining what we need to do to feel good enough.

• 47:26Alex Cooper?

  Boundaries are very hard to set, I think, for us as even individuals, I think especially as women. Again, over dramatic, people pushing your boundaries, you being in work settings and learning, I had a boundary, and then this person crossed it, and I still have to endure this, this is uncomfortable. It's a lot easier said than done.

• 47:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:49Alex Cooper?

  And I'm curious if you ever, obviously, you're a person who's good at setting boundaries now, but were you ever prone to people pleasing in your life? And how did you find this beautiful balance that you're now in?

• 48:04Speaker 02

  Well, first of all, the beautiful balance I talk about is not the beautiful balance I live in my house. Like, Dr. Becky and Becky are, you know, I always say, it's true, my kids don't have Dr. Becky as a mom, and I wouldn't wish that on them. They have Becky. Like, sometimes my husband, actually, says, you know, I was about to tag your personal account in your latest reel, because I feel like you could benefit from such advice, you know?

• 48:27Alex Cooper?

  You're like, the shade.

• 48:29Speaker 02

  There is like, whoa, but it's true, you know? And so, there's no perfect balance, right? But I, I love this question, because I was very much a good girl. And I think that that is one of the things that has shaped so much of how I think about especially women in parenting. And I, you know, just, oh, she's such a good girl. She's so easy. I never have to think about that one. I never have to worry about that one. And I think all that means, good girl, is this is someone who has learned to gaze out and notice everyone's needs and take care of them. At the exclusion of gazing in and wondering what their own needs are.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  And then it gets even more extreme because then your own needs become a threat to this job you've perfected, which is taking care of everyone else's wants and needs. Your own needs are very inconvenient if you're trying to just placate everyone around you. And one of the reasons I think we have a trouble setting boundaries is logically, we say, I know, my kid doesn't have to be happy with me, but logic doesn't dictate our kind of relationship decisions, our old circuits do. And if, when you try to set a boundary around dessert, your kids having a tantrum, which is kind of their way of saying, I'm upset with you, your body essentially activates, what do I know about someone I love being upset with me? What is my job in that situation? What have I gotten really good at doing?

• 49:55Speaker 02

  What is my role? And if you were really good as a kid at keeping the peace, first of all, that's nothing to be ashamed of. It's probably something very crafty you figured out how to do. You're going to have a hard time holding that boundary because your body knows how to just make the other person happy to the kind of detriment of what you might need.

• 50:18Alex Cooper?

  And I think it's so applicable for women, like you're talking about, like, we have been conditioned this way that it's awkward and can be uncomfortable to set a boundary. So then you just kind of appease the people around you and you just forego what you genuinely want in the dynamic and you don't use your voice. And so I can imagine then getting into parenting, it may be hard for women to actually use their own voice. It's almost like for the first time in their life to have authority in some capacity because we've never almost had it.

• 50:49Speaker 02

  Yes, and I, you know, I listened to your episode the other day about, um, kind of effortlessness, you know, and why is it so cool?

• 50:58Alex Cooper?

  To like pretend like we don't care and it just happens.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  That's right. And, you know, I, I have to try very hard to do all the things I talk about, is set boundaries, to stay connected to my kid without them overpowering me because my initial wiring definitely was being a good girl. I think one of my first times where that came into major conflict was probably my anorexia before I went to college. I mean, I think anorexia at the end of the day is a struggle with desire. What am I allowed to want?

• 51:33Speaker 02

  And want and desire if they feel so scary? Well, anorexia is a way of saying like, I want nothing, not even my basic needs. I want for nothing. I can become very, very tiny, right? And that was, you know, I had a ton of therapy, all the things around that. But I think through that process, um, I started what I would call kind of like gazing in, like, can I develop a relationship with my own wants and needs? Can I be a little bit more? Like, I think about this idea of going from a good girl to an inconvenient woman. And it's not like I try to inconvenience people, but if you know what you want, and at least some of the time you make decisions around that, people are going to be inconvenienced.

• 52:17Speaker 02

  Not everyone's, I think we have this fantasy, like, I'm going to tell my husband, I want to sleep in because I usually wake up and my husband's going to say, Becky, I'm so happy you asked me. Nothing would make me happier than waking up at 5:45 with our two toddlers because you do it most of the time. And no, most husbands, nice husbands, their initial reaction is like, oh. And, and if I can't tolerate that sigh and know, you know what, me getting what I want does inconvenience my husband, okay, like, that's just part of being in a relationship with each other. And I think my own journey has been, yeah, like those little experiments, bracing myself,

• 52:58Speaker 02

  the panic around it, the calling my friends, the getting support, and it's still a journey.

• 53:03Alex Cooper?

  It is, and thank you for sharing that because I also think so many women I've talked to that have experienced anything when it comes to, you know, struggling with eating and body. And then when you, we transition into motherhood, it's like you're, we have so little control over our lives and what's happening and we have people pleasing and then there's no boundaries and then they keep getting pushed. And so we're constantly just a victim of our circumstances. Then, then we find one thing that we can internally control with our body, but really we are hurting ourselves. And so to then get to that point in your life where you were like, I started to look inward of like, how am I going to basically adjust the way that my relationship is to myself?

• 53:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:45Alex Cooper?

  It's really powerful to get to that point because then you are giving yourself more autonomy. It's not easy.

• 53:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:51Alex Cooper?

  But I think that kind of also leads me to think about the perfect parent. I feel like this is something a lot of women I'm sure struggle with of, and I feel like it's such a huge pressure now. And I don't know if that you feel like there's an uptick, but I feel like everyone's always talking about like the perfect parent, to be the perfect parent. Like, why do you think there's such an all time high right now around that conversation?

• 54:15Speaker 02

  Well, if I, I mean, I think, I guess there's two perfect parents. There's what happens in your home and then how it looks to everyone else. I, I don't know if there's an uptick in how it's perceived by everyone else. There's just an uptick in this world of showing our lives to others and other people deciding whether we're good enough, you know? So that's probably been this externally oriented world we're kind of a part of, right? Um, I, I guess, you know, I tell parents all the time, first of all, there's no perfect parent, but it wouldn't even be good for your kid anyway. That's the irony, the model of a relationship you form with your kid is the foundation they take into adulthood.

• 54:57Speaker 02

  Like, I happen to think attraction is just an activation of your earliest detachment system. It's what feels like home. And so do I want to set my kids up to only feel naturally attracted to people who always get it right, are perfectly attuned to their feelings, say the right thing, are never distracted? That's not, that's not real.

• 55:20Alex Cooper?

  It isn't real. And I also love how you say like, it's not realistic, but I do think it kind of can bring us into the attachment style conversation. And so obviously, um, attachment theory, which is based on the assumption of that our experiences as children inform who we are as adults.

• 55:40Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 55:40Alex Cooper?

  And the type of partners we attract, the type of relationships that we seek, um, our behaviors. But then all of a sudden, we all become adults, right? So we're like, okay, I'm anxious attached or I'm avoidant attached, I'm fearful attached, I'm secure attached. Great. Then you become a parent. And I think that for everyone listening today, I'm wondering, how does your attachment style as an adult, how can that impact your child? Cause now we're just, we're keeping that generational cycle going. And, and can you talk a little bit more about that?

• 56:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, your attachment style, right, is how you've learned to define closeness, what, what you expect from other people, what parts of you are allowed in relationships, what parts of you you've learned to kind of keep out of it. And usually without various intervention, that transfers generation to generation, not, not because that's anyone's fault, it's just what feels natural. And our, our body is generally drawn to what feels familiar versus what's good for us.

• 56:46Alex Cooper?

  So if someone's sitting here like, Dr. Becky.

• 56:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:49Alex Cooper?

  I am a full anxious attached person and I am about to welcome a child into this world. How is that going to impact that person's parenting style?

• 57:00Speaker 02

  So first of all, I'd say amazing that you're thinking about this. Like you're ahead of the game, you know?

• 57:06Alex Cooper?

  Yeah.

• 57:07Speaker 02

  We can't, I don't think insight alone brings change, but we certainly can't change we don't understand. So you've done a huge step one, amazing. And then I dig in, I'm not one for labels. If we stop there, I feel like, what would you mean? Okay, so you're anxiously attached. Does that mean, um, it's hard for you to have a little separation from your partner? When there's distance, do you tend to interpret that as rejection? You know, are you a little bit oriented toward seeing someone's separation as abandonment instead of just separation? And okay, same thought, oh, yes, yes, yes. Okay, so here's what I probably know about that person. Oh, I wonder what's going to happen, you know, when your kids even start walking. It seems like such a great developmental milestone and it is, but it's really a sign

• 57:49Speaker 02

  that your kid is already ready to kind of separate from you, you know? Um, what's it going to be like for you, you know, when your kid's really upset with you? Does upset feel like abandonment and threat? So let's get ready for some of those situations. They're throwing the toys on the floor, begging for the thing at the, you know, at the store with you. And, and then we can talk about, okay, well, how do you want to respond? It's so, that old stuff is still going to feel natural. I think that's what really matters. And I think that's what really resonated about that podcast you did about the cool girl, where the only thing that comes naturally in parenting is how you were parented. And so if you want to do things differently, yeah, you need a system, you need people to

• 58:33Speaker 02

  help you, you need to play, you're going to have a lot of uncomfortable moments and yeah.

• 58:37Alex Cooper?

  I know, I love that because I think a lot of people understandably, we are so, we recognize, we all have baggage, we all have things from our past that we're innately going to just.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 58:50Alex Cooper?

  Potentially give our kids, project onto our kids, be super hyper vigilant to not do it to our kids. And so everyone is coming from their own perspective of, oh my God, I either want to replicate my childhood for my child or I want to make sure I change all these things and be having those feelings. It's a lot and it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself when you have this past that you're recognizing can impact your child's future. And I think it's hard to sometimes overcome that pressure we put on ourselves, I guess.

• 59:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. And look, like you said, we all have our past and so we're all going to have trigger moments. Our kids trigger us. I think we all think they're going to heal us. They trigger us, they bring up all the stuff that wasn't really healed from our past. And if you know that going in, you can look at these moments like, wow, I had a pretty intense reaction to that. I don't even remember saying this to my kid, it just kind of flew out of my mouth. I think those are the situations often we want to put away, like, ah, I don't want to look at that. But if you're willing to look at that, those become amazing teachers to you.

• 59:56Alex Cooper?

  It's so true because I feel like an example is someone I know their kid didn't make the varsity team.

• 1:00:06Alex Cooper?

  Mom was really upset. Mom was really upset because this was bringing up something for her. She didn't make the varsity team and she was hoping her daughter could make the varsity team. And so she's triggered about not feeling good enough. Meanwhile, I don't even know if the kid cared that much. Like, oh, all my friends are actually on the other team, which is what's perfect. I didn't even want to make varsity. But the mom was so upset. How can we essentially avoid projecting our own emotions and our own triggers onto our kids?

• 1:00:35Speaker 02

  So I think there's two parts to that question. Can we do anything to get ahead of it? And then when it inevitably happens, what do we do next? Because again, we're not going to be perfect at it. Right? So there is no superpower that is as important in parenting as knowing yourself. Right? I know I had socially hard moments in middle school and high school. As my kids have gotten older into middle school and high school, oh my goodness, have those come alive. Right? I'm like, do I really want to talk to my kid about the situation? I know from the other moms, my kid wasn't invited. And just to be able to ask yourself, is this a me feeling? Or is this a my kid feeling? Right? And to try to pause, maybe I don't need to go and say, oh, you weren't invited to that party. How do you feel? That might be a me thing.

• 1:01:20Speaker 02

  That might be a me thing. It probably is a me thing. Right? And so that's one question is this, what is coming up for me? Is a superpower question as a parent. What is coming up for me about this? You know? And then the second part is there's nothing that matters as much as repair with your kid. And repairing is taking accountability for something, saying you want to try something again. Right? And so be able to say, hey, I had a big reaction when you told me this thing. To be honest, a lot of that had to do with me. I'm sorry. What I wanted to say was this. That's so powerful because you're going to make mistakes. That allows you to repair and it models for your kid. How to take accountability in their other relationships.

• 1:02:05Alex Cooper?

  That's also, I remember in doing all the research for attachment theories, so much of it is anyone who has secure attachment. Really, it was mostly built in the repair phase, which you're discussing, which is like, knowing that it's symbolizing you are in a safe, secure environment because your parent, although they may have lashed out and they may have raised their voice, or they may have messed up, coming back around and recognizing it with the child and taking ownership and accountability and sharing with them like, hey, I'm really sorry that I did that. It shows them like, oh, the world is not scary. And I'm not in an unstable situation and my parents even can mess up. But this is how they operate and this is how they handle it when they do make mistakes.

• 1:02:49Alex Cooper?

  Wow. That's a really good leader.

• 1:02:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. And, and I think, you know, I was lucky enough to be asked by Ted to give a talk and they're like, I know you talk about all these things. What do you want to talk about? And repair was the topic because I think the other thing to understand about it, especially with kids, and I hope anyone listening who doesn't even have kids, it gives us a lot of insight into our self-talk is what happens for a kid when they're screamed at by their parent? And they don't have a repair. Right? And again, that happens everywhere. I scream at my kids too. Okay. So I scream at my kid, oh, you're so ungrateful. You're so spoiled, whatever. We're now probably separate. Maybe my son is in his room. And if I don't repair, a kid is in their room feeling very confused because the person they need for safety is now the person who felt scary. And that's just a disorganized thing.

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  Like disorganized attachment is actually those two things being kind of fused together. That the person who scares me is the person I go to for comfort. That's a lot. And so what does my kid need to do to get back to baseline if I don't repair? They generally do two things. They self-blame. This is all my fault. I'm a bad kid. Because there's this quote I always love from Crad School, which is Fairburn who said, I don't know if you've heard it, for your attachment stuff, which is for a kid, it's better to be in, it's better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil. Which means taking the badness in is safer than believing the world is bad.

• 1:04:20Alex Cooper?

  Especially when it comes to your parents.

• 1:04:23Speaker 02

  That is your world. So if it's my parents are bad or I'm bad, you better bet. And that actually gives them a sense of control. And if I think about all the women, especially who no matter what happens in their life, when it's bad, you know what they still do? It's so old. It's, it's actually a lot of unrepaired moments. Or we do the other thing, which is self-doubt. A kid in their room has to say, you know what? Maybe that didn't happen. Maybe that didn't actually happen. Maybe, you know, and I think about how many women in my practice would be in these dating situations and something not going well. I'm going to call five friends and see if they thought it was a big deal. Do they think it's a big deal? It's kind of saying, I don't trust my own assessment. And that starts so early. So yes, you don't have to be perfect. Don't be perfect.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  But repair whenever you can.

• 1:05:11Alex Cooper?

  Such good advice. I also was thinking back to the perfect parent and all these things that we're talking about. Recognizing that there are so many women who may be on the journey that they're really fighting to become a parent. And they are really like, oh my God, Dr. Becky, I have been on the hardest emotional journey to just simply even get to where you guys are talking about. And I pray to God that I one day can have a baby. Through your practice, do you mind just sharing a little bit about what you have learned about women's struggles with fertility in general?

• 1:05:43Speaker 02

  Yes. And I mean, I, I did IVF for all my children too. So first of all, I'd say from life experience, like, yeah, I've been there and it, it stinks. It's, it's so hard. I think it's one of the first times we feel like a failure as a mom before we're a mom. And I can't even do this thing that my body is supposed to be able to do. Like I'm already failing. And, and I think, you know, one of the things I thought a lot about, maybe you and I could talk offline is so many of the things that are our superpower coming into motherhood become our Achilles heel. So if I go to fertility for me, I have been someone who makes things happen. Like I know effort doesn't always lead to outcome, but

• 1:06:29Speaker 02

  I feel like I have found a way for effort to lead to outcome because I just more, more, more. And I like to, I like to move and I like to make decisions and I like my studying to lead to good grades and you know, and I, then I try to get pregnant. And I think for me, I would have benefited from someone saying, Becky, you know how you've been pretty successful at like effort, effort, effort, and then having pretty good outcomes? Yeah, that's going to end up making motherhood really hard for you. And I'd be like, what? They're like, that's going to really work against you because from getting pregnant to maintaining the pregnancy, to whether or not your kid is an early walker or a late walker.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  Effort doesn't lead to output and that might be harder for you than some of your friends who would say like, you know, yeah, I've kind of been like a B student. Like it's fine. I'm not like, they are better prepared to handle those things well. And so again, I think it's where knowing yourself really helps you digest your own fertility journey or early parts or any part of parenting.

• 1:07:35Alex Cooper?

  I mean, I can imagine the, every woman, I think, no matter which way you go about it in, in trying to get pregnant. And I talked about this a little bit on the episode where I announced my pregnancy, like so, yes, it brought up so much of like the failure and the competitor in me from being an athlete. And you're like, why is, wait, why didn't it work? Why isn't it working? And you're, and you only have yourself to blame. Yeah. Which you should not be blaming yourself, but of course we're going to blame ourselves because who else can we blame? And again, with women, like you just said, we, it's too scary of a world where we're so conditioned. Like just blame yourself because it's the easiest and it's the most ingrained in us.

• 1:08:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. Can I say something on that? You know, my, I had this situation with my oldest. He was a lot younger. And it's become just such a helpful framework for me. So we were backing out a car from a garage and my husband was driving. And my son had the door, the passenger door like open in the backseat, but my husband didn't know it was open when he was backing out the car. And so he backs out. Obviously the door hits the side. It's, you know, yeah, the whole thing. And he said, why didn't you, why didn't you close the door? And my son said, he was probably six at the time, I didn't know you were about to back out. It's not my fault. And my husband goes, so it's my fault? And my son says, you know, dad, sometimes bad things happen and it's nobody's fault.

• 1:09:02Speaker 02

  At my heart races as I say this, we're obsessed with fault. Like when you're not getting pregnant, it's probably nobody's fault. I mean, by the way, look into it. Like, is it what's going on? But you know, when your kid, you know, isn't talking yet, like, it's probably not your fault. Did I not say enough words? And it's probably not your kid's fault. It's probably just hard.

• 1:09:23Alex Cooper?

  It's just life. It's circumstances.

• 1:09:25Speaker 02

  I think, yeah, it's like, sometimes things are hard and fault just isn't a helpful framework.

• 1:09:33Alex Cooper?

  That's really helpful because I think it then can help release the shame and the guilt that I feel like so many women probably feel who are listening right now being like, I get it's not my fault. But like, do you have any advice for any woman who's sitting here being like, but Becky, I am so exhausted. Like, I've been doing IVF, things aren't working. Like, is there any advice you have that kept you going or that you can share to just help women just feel, keep going in your resilience?

• 1:10:00Speaker 02

  Look, I think what's so hard is if, if becoming a mother is like such an important focus for you, right? I think advice of, oh, just put that to the side and work out more or have lunch with your girlfriends. Like, I hear friends of mine saying, oh, my girlfriends are getting pregnant. I freaking hate them. I don't want to be around them. I'm not even happy for them. Right? And so when any one thing in your life becomes so important, it's really hard when that thing isn't happening anywhere near the timeline. So number one, I would just give yourself massive permission. Like, this is really hard. It makes sense. It feel that way. It feels that way. This stinks. And then, yeah, at some point, we want to find an and. Like, are there other things that

• 1:10:43Speaker 02

  give me joy? Not 10 out of 10 joy, the way they used to, but 2 out of 10, right? And just fighting for those things, I think, really, really matters. I know plenty of people on a fertility journey who said, what would it be like to give myself a couple of month break? You know, and, you know, I don't want to say it's magic. I want to be able to say, and then they randomly got pregnant naturally because they weren't stressed. Like, okay, that there's some stories, but, um, and I think also, I know you've talked about this, noticing when a timeline drives us more crazy than is helpful. Again, I don't think there's any simple answers, but just, okay, like this timeline, maybe it was never true. Maybe I am going to be pregnant after my friends, or maybe

• 1:11:26Speaker 02

  my journey. Maybe there's, I don't know, other options for having children, but widening the aperture a little.

• 1:11:33Alex Cooper?

  It's great advice because I agree. There's so much comparison that understandably, we can't help but do. And especially when you want something in life and you are someone who's a go getter, you're like, why is everyone else getting it and not me? And I totally understand that. But I agree with you. You have to just keep finding the good in life and things will work out. Things will work out as they're supposed to. You will find, whether it's a different path or the path works, like, it's going to work out. You have to believe that for yourself. I also think something I talked about recently was then to the new moms who are like,

• 1:12:11Alex Cooper?

  oh, my gosh, it worked. I got pregnant. I'm having this baby. Um, um, am I allowed to complain for a second? And I think there's a lot of shame around not feeling like this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I am a new woman and I love this and this life is great. And it's like, and the changing thing looks perfect and everything's organized. And like, whenever you see these videos, there's not a thing on the ground. There's not a toy out of place. And so you start to be like, oh, my God, is it me? Is there something wrong with me? And so I want to kind of go through some thoughts, maybe that women have. And if you could just give any advice to that person that's having that thought. One woman may be thinking,

• 1:12:53Alex Cooper?

  why am I so bored? I thought this was supposed to be the most magical time of my life.

• 1:12:57Speaker 02

  Because having a baby is full of the same thing over and over, and it is monotonous, and it is pretty boring. So you probably feel bored because it's boring. And going back to knowing yourself, I was just talking to a good friend about this. If you're someone before having a baby, who's loved spontaneity and novelty, you're the friend who brings good vibes to the party. You're the friend who says, let's do this for the weekend. You're going to find it especially boring. And so I think there's a two things are true here. I'm allowed to find this boring and this season is not a barometer for the whole relationship I'm going to have with my kid.

• 1:13:33Alex Cooper?

  Love it. And also, again, everyone online, calm down, there's nuance. You're so grateful and happy and you love this child, but you can have these feelings.

• 1:13:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:13:41Alex Cooper?

  Um, okay, someone thinks, I thought I was supposed to have a maternal instinct, but I have no idea what I'm doing.

• 1:13:49Speaker 02

  Instinct is what you've learned up to that point.

• 1:13:55Speaker 02

  Full stop. That's what instinct is. So like, the idea that what we've learned until that point is going to help us in the hardest, most complicated job in the world, especially in 2026, when all the things that help our kids are being slow, quiet, available, all the things in 2026 is fast, more stimulation, distraction. And so the idea that that's going to come naturally, you know, probably, I think what's instinctual for a lot of people is I love my kid, but knowing how to handle them freaking out during tummy time, or their first meltdown, or the hitting on at the sandbox, that's not, most people say, yeah, if I did what's instinctual, I just scream at my child.

• 1:14:40Alex Cooper?

  Right. Oh, that's helpful to hear because I have said that to some friends. I'm like, I didn't learn this. And again, I'm, I'm like, I like to be an overachiever. I'm like, I'm going to try to read. I'm going to try to do the research, but like, no one taught us. It's honestly similar to taxes. In, in college, I'm like, why did I pay all this? And then I got out and I was like, Dad, how do I do my freaking taxes? I got all this education for what? The things that I actually need to know. I have no idea what I'm doing. It's the same thing with motherhood where I'm like, I get everyone's talking about this maternal instinct. Like, I'm going to lean in, but like, I don't know. When people are like, oh, you need the changing table, and then you also need, they need enough tummy time. And I'm like, wait, why do they need tummy time? And they're like, oh, because the head and the thing. And you're like, where did you learn this?

• 1:15:22Speaker 02

  Seriously. I think you're right, that especially, you know, we've put in a lot more time and energy and probably money, all of it, to learning things that are far less important than in our life than our day to day interactions with our kids. So just be able to say, some of this will come naturally and some won't, like anything else in life. That's it. And if it doesn't, you can learn and get support.

• 1:15:44Alex Cooper?

  I appreciate you normalizing not having to know everything because that to every expecting mother or current mother or future mother is like, ah, thank you, Dr. Becky. Because I've been even having that. I'm like, when people are referencing certain things, breastfeeding and this, I'm literally like, sorry, hold on, slow down. What, what do I have to do? And I'm like, I know I will learn as I go, just like I've done everything in life. No one handed me a manual, but it does with motherhood feel a little bit like when you're looking online, you're like, wait a second, how does everyone know this?

• 1:16:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:16Alex Cooper?

  And then you just figure it out.

• 1:16:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:20Alex Cooper?

  Okay, next one. Um, someone's thinking, this baby stole my body.

• 1:16:25Speaker 02

  I think this is so complicated. You've been in your own body on your own for however many decades, right? And then you're growing a human for nine months. And then I think all the movies, they don't show that after you birth this human, like, your body is different for a while. And I, I think, and this is so helpful for you now, most moms, first 24 hours, 48 hours, first seven days, the majority of their thoughts after having a baby are about themselves. Because if you ever had major surgery, forget having a baby, any major surgery, which essentially is the same as having a baby, cesarean, vaginal, whatever. Think about what someone would ask

• 1:17:09Speaker 02

  you. Okay. Well, what have you set up for yourself? Who's taking care of you? What supplies do you have for your body? Do you know what your body is gonna kind of feel and what it's going to look like? This is what anyone would do, except when you have a baby, nobody does it. And then you think you're selfish and it makes perfect sense.

• 1:17:27Alex Cooper?

  So true. It's like, no, no, most people are like, rest, take care of yourself. Don't get up. We'll get that for you. Then you have a baby and everyone's like, hold on a second, like, be, be the great mom. What are you doing?

• 1:17:39Speaker 02

  My goodness, like your vagina is ripped in half. Like, I'm sorry, your vagina's ripped in half.

• 1:17:43Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 1:17:43Speaker 02

  Or your ab, you would.

• 1:17:44Alex Cooper?

  Abdominal surgery.

• 1:17:47Speaker 02

  In half.

• 1:17:47Alex Cooper?

  Seven layers deep.

• 1:17:49Speaker 02

  And then you're like, why don't I have this rush of bonding? Because you're in survival mode. You just have, of course not. That's going to come after.

• 1:17:57Alex Cooper?

  That's so important, I think, to just acknowledge. And I think there's a lot of women who don't say it because it feels insane that even to just hear that right after, you're going to be thinking about yourself because that is survival mode of, I'm trying to keep myself alive. Yes. So I can also be alive for this baby, but I've got to take care of me. It's, we're back to the plane, Dr. Becky.

• 1:18:16Speaker 02

  We are.

• 1:18:16Alex Cooper?

  When they say, put the oxygen on first before you take care of the child, you have to be whole and good.

• 1:18:24Speaker 02

  Yes. And let's stay with that, that, the pilot, because there's a million pilot metaphors. That makes sense. Pilots board the plane before passengers do. They have a little time for themselves. And think about a pilot, if you're on a plane and you hear a pilot say, I love my passengers so much. I've been flying for three weeks straight with no rest, three weeks straight with no rest because I love you so much and I don't even want, get me, get me off that plane.

• 1:18:48Alex Cooper?

  No, I'd be like, you need to go for a nap immediately.

• 1:18:50Speaker 02

  Now, and actually, there's law.

• 1:18:54Alex Cooper?

  Right.

• 1:18:55Speaker 02

  That pilots, after a certain number of hours, have to go off the plane and take care of themselves because we know their job of taking care of others depends on that. So as a new parent, as a parent of older kids, whatever it is, we've created this false binary that I'm taking care of my kids or taking care of myself. You would never want to be on a plane with a pilot who wasn't taking care of themselves.

• 1:19:19Alex Cooper?

  Oh, we're loving this. Oh, the ladies needed to hear this one today. Okay. I don't trust myself. I feel anxious every time I'm alone with my baby.

• 1:19:29Speaker 02

  You know what I'd start with? It sounds like if I go back to confidence is self-trust. Well, it sounds like you actually do trust something. You're noticing you're very anxious when you're alone with your baby. We're just gonna start there. You do trust that experience. Tell me more about it. Tell me, what is that like? Oh, well, I'm always worried I'm gonna, you know, drop my baby. And honestly, kind of obsessive compulsive thoughts after you have a baby are one of the most common forms of anxiety. And it sounds really scary. She's like, I don't wanna, what if I drop my baby when I go down the stairs? Who thinks that? Oh, my goodness, who thinks that? And then what you do is you get in an avoidance cycle. You ask your mom who's in, can you, can you take the baby down the stairs?

• 1:20:10Speaker 02

  Right? And then you tell yourself, I don't trust myself because in some ways it's been hard to separate. That's a thought. In fact, the thought gives me pain because I don't want to do it. Right? And so, look, this is such a good reason to make sure. Someone said, what I do for all my friends when they're pregnant is I give them a name of a good postpartum therapist. Need it or not, and if they have a partner, I give it to the partner. But also just knowing these thoughts are normal. You're adjusting to something totally new. I'm taking care of another human who's

• 1:20:44Speaker 02

  you know, just completely dependent on me.

• 1:20:46Alex Cooper?

  And I also love how you're saying like, again, thoughts are not facts. Saying things out loud, though, are so helpful because then, like you just said, oh, I'm so, oh, it seems like you're anxious. Why? Like, a lot of times, the fear, I'm sure, it can be unlocked by, talk to me about what's going on. Whether it's your partner, to your mom, to your, someone who's helping you, anyone who's around. They're gonna, by you just expressing what this fear is, that's being in this intrusive thought. All of a sudden, there's probably going to be an helpful solution around the corner. But we need to be able to feel comfortable enough to actually vocalize what we're feeling instead of feeling ashamed to be like, I don't wanna say this out loud because this sounds actually crazy.

• 1:21:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. And, and I think you're right. You're taking it from something so global and you're just trying to find the specific nuggets. Again, so glad you told me that. Well, when do you feel like that? Tell me more. And then we can get into something more specific to intervene.

• 1:21:39Alex Cooper?

  It's a great point. Okay, someone says, I was happier at work and I'm secretly really excited to go back. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad mom?

• 1:21:46Speaker 02

  So you are not a bad mom. Many moms feel like this. And I think this is also probably Alex helpful for you to reflect on. If you think about, let's say, zero to 10, with 10 being the highest, how stimulating your life is before you have a baby. Everyone should know their number before they go in. And everyone has a number that they kind of like. Like, some people like a 10 out of 10 stimulating. They like, they like the work and they love the conversations and they love hard projects. And they kind of like to travel. They like complex things. They like moving a lot. Being with a baby is very low stim, very low stim. The best your day gets is your apartment looks kind of as good as it did in the start. You're probably not leaving your house. It's really hard to leave your house.

• 1:22:30Speaker 02

  You're like, all I did was what? I guess I fed, I washed some things. Like, how is it 6:00 PM? And so, your body is really adjusting. And if, especially your work is a pretty stimulating environment, there's an understandable crash your body has. Totally separate from how much you love your baby. Totally separate things.

• 1:22:59Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Walk Hole. Women wear a lot of hats and no two days look exactly the same. Women's bodies are constantly changing from stress, hormones, weight fluctuations, pregnancy, postpartum, all different stages of life. And Walk Hole bras simply deliver on fit, feel, and function without compromise. Their fit philosophy is grounded in science, informed by over 2 million real women and their real bodies. Support for every you. Underneath it all lies Walk Hole. Visit walkhole.com to learn more and find your perfect fit. You'll get free shipping on orders of $80 or more and new email subscribers receive 10% off their first order with code CALLHERDADDY.

• 1:23:40Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Klaviyo. So Klaviyo says it's your brand's best friend. Bold claim, but here's the thing. Klaviyo knows your brand, your tone, your customers, all your data in one place. Klaviyo's AI agents answer them 24/7 in your voice and build your campaigns from one prompt, emails, texts, and WhatsApp. Plus Klaviyo finds your next sale before you do. It's time to meet your new CRM BFF. Go to K-L-A-V-I-Y-O.com/bestfriends.

• 1:24:17Alex Cooper?

  Do you have any advice for people who, let's say, are

• 1:24:24Alex Cooper?

  in a situation where they're staying home with the baby because, you know, you just gave birth? And their partner has to go back to work? And there's maybe a little jealousy of like, oh, you're getting to come home and you're telling me about your workday? And I'm actually speaking goo goo gaga language still, and I love this baby, don't get me wrong. But I'm starting to go a little stir crazy. Like, how can the partner who is getting to go out into the world and still interact? And be an adult, human being, interacting with other adults and coming back and getting kind of the good parts of both? How can that partner be supportive of the person at home?

• 1:24:59Speaker 02

  Great. Such a good question. I mean, to me, if that dynamic gets enacted a lot. And I think what it says in terms of, let's say, it's that mom's more core internal need is, what's the wish? I think that's like a helpful framework always. What's the wish? Well, I wish even as I'm home, I had moments of my week where, fill in the blank, I was out talking to other adults. I was talking about something with someone that wasn't, how many ounces the baby ate, right? Okay. And if it becomes less about you have this and I don't, and more, okay, well, underneath that comparison, is there something I wish for? Then I'd like my partner's help figuring out how I can carve out time for me to meet those needs. So on Saturday, can you do this? And I'm gonna go get those needs met.

• 1:25:44Alex Cooper?

  It's a great point. Again, I think like, we talked about boundaries. Now it's actually like, a lot of this comes down to vocalizing what you need. Because a lot of it is probably, you're internally going through a lot. And you just went from essentially knowing one version of yourself. And then now you're meeting an entirely new version of yourself. And I even will admit, sitting here, I'm like, I am so excited for this time off. Like, I've never really taken time off. I can't wait. But there is a little part of my brain that's like, you think you're gonna be able to go almost three months with like, no work?

• 1:26:25Alex Cooper?

  And just this baby? And that sounds to me amazing, but I'm like, oh, I know myself, I'm gonna get the itch and I'm gonna have these feelings. And to not make myself feel guilty for not being so satisfied with just sitting in a home with this child? But finding other things for myself to do to feel like I'm stimulated, that doesn't make me a bad mother.

• 1:26:47Speaker 02

  No. I mean, if I think about my first couple of days after having my first, I mean, I had an emergency C-section for my first and I had to be under anesthesia. Like, it was a, you know, and my son came out, you know, totally healthy. But I come home and I am, I've always really liked action. And I was baking biscotti, and this is like a totally psychotic thing to do. You know, and I was like cooking for people coming over. And I said to my husband one day, I think it was like day six, I go, this is crazy. I only need four hours of sleep.

• 1:27:22Speaker 02

  Obviously, he was like, oh, my goodness, we've gone to the dark.

• 1:27:25Alex Cooper?

  Yeah, he's like, you're losing it.

• 1:27:26Speaker 02

  I'm losing it. And then I crashed.

• 1:27:28Alex Cooper?

  Wait, did you say this on day?

• 1:27:30Speaker 02

  So it's probably day six after having a baby?

• 1:27:32Alex Cooper?

  Yeah, no, no, no. And you had a C-section?

• 1:27:34Speaker 02

  And a C-section.

• 1:27:34Alex Cooper?

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:27:35Speaker 02

  No, I was not paying attention to anything going on. I think, um, my brain was like running and in some ways, I think, trying to repeat the life I had had eight days prior.

• 1:27:48Alex Cooper?

  Like, just let's get back to it.

• 1:27:50Speaker 02

  Back in it. I completely crashed. I mean, I had to go back to the hospital. They, it was like so bad. And I think you're right, though, to go in knowing, I wish someone had said, Becky, your brain is gonna want to keep doing all the things. And that's probably where, deep down, you've gotten value. You get endorphins. You feel like yourself. You are about to meet a totally different part of yourself, not just Becky as mom. But Becky as someone who stays in bed, that every, my husband made me nap after that every day. I'd say, this is insane. I'm not even tired. Every day I would nap. Every day. But I didn't know it. I didn't, I didn't.

• 1:28:26Alex Cooper?

  You fall asleep in two seconds. Like, I'm not even tired. He's like, good, but you're okay.

• 1:28:30Speaker 02

  Literally.

• 1:28:30Alex Cooper?

  Best nap of your life.

• 1:28:31Speaker 02

  Literally, every day.

• 1:28:32Alex Cooper?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:28:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:28:34Alex Cooper?

  We have, no, we have to listen to our bodies and we have to not try to just pretend like something didn't massively change. Um, okay, you give the best advice. We're gonna do some rapid fire to get your take on some hot parenting topics. Are you ready?

• 1:28:51Speaker 02

  Ready.

• 1:28:52Alex Cooper?

  Okay. Your kid says, I hate you. What do you do?

• 1:28:56Speaker 02

  I would say nothing in that moment. Probably say it again. I'd say, I love you. Let's talk when, you know, things are all cooler.

• 1:29:04Alex Cooper?

  Okay, screen time. Do you have any best practices?

• 1:29:09Speaker 02

  This one's so hard because people, everyone has different lives. We need different things. I really respect that. And screen time tends to be the solution to the problem today and the cause of the problem tomorrow.

• 1:29:23Alex Cooper?

  Oh, that one hurt. That was a good, that's a good line. Oh, that's a good one. Let's quote that. Okay. Is bribing your kid ever okay?

• 1:29:32Speaker 02

  Yes, certain situations require M&Ms to get out the door. It's fine.

• 1:29:36Alex Cooper?

  I love that. Um, how do you provide for your child without making them spoiled?

• 1:29:44Speaker 02

  This is a more nuanced question than it appears on the surface because I think we're talking about spoiled and entitlement. Entitled kids are kids who've never learned how to tolerate frustration. And worse, they're kids whose frustration was met with an exit ramp. And so they believe the world should continue to offer that. I am not someone who should feel frustrated, which you can't blame a kid for when they're 18, if that was kind of what was taught to them. So the best way for kids not to become entitled and spoiled is to make sure tolerating frustration, not avoiding it or exiting from it is just part of the everyday life of a kid.

• 1:30:20Alex Cooper?

  That's great advice. How do you handle the in-law who undermines all of your parenting? Oh my God, I think we could do a whole episode on this.

• 1:30:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I think this comes down to your marriage and how open you can be together about kind of those dynamics. And then, you know, I do think there's a kill them with kindness approach and say it's to my mother-in-law, where you can, you know, say some version of like, hey, our relationship is important to me. Let me start with that. And it's probably only going to become more important now that I have a kid and I know you really care about that kid as well. I'd love to talk to you about something that has been kind of hard in the house that I'd love to be able to shift because I know we both want the best for this kid. Right? And so being on the same team against a problem, the problem is the different messages. The problem is the passive aggressive comment.

• 1:31:12Speaker 02

  If we can see a situation that way versus the problem is my mother-in-law, we can usually align with someone instead of against them.

• 1:31:18Alex Cooper?

  You're good at this. Whoa.

• 1:31:22Speaker 02

  Easier said than done in the real life.

• 1:31:24Alex Cooper?

  Whoa. Okay. If a child goes through a phase where they are strongly preferring one parent, what do you do?

• 1:31:31Speaker 02

  Totally normal. Again, kids are just playing around with their relationships. They're trying to figure it out. What do you do? If you're the, it's usually harder for the non-preferred parent, right? You can't give me a bath, only mommy can give me a bath, right? Number one, try humor. Just actually, in general, lean into a resistance instead of fighting it. It's so true. I don't even know where a bath is. And I pick up my kid, is this the bath? And I kind of hold my kid over the toilet. My kid's going to say, that's not the bath. All of a sudden we're connected and usually I can roll with it. Or just, the other version is just allow it and just kind of move on. You wish mom was giving you a bath tonight. That's it. And then keep going.

• 1:32:12Alex Cooper?

  I like the humor advice. That's good. If you see another kid being mean to your own kid, when do you step in?

• 1:32:19Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, I think there's probably degrees and then there's repetition, right? So something seems really out of control, really bullying, I might step in, stay, you know, right away and just say, whoa, that is not okay in this house. I'm not going to let that happen. I have two good kids. You can't talk to my kid like that. There's no more of that. Or maybe it's lower key and I'm more think, oh, why does my kid let this, these little things keep happening? Um, and then I'd probably intervene with my kid in a, again, in a quiet moment. Hey, I'm noticing whenever Kieran comes around, he takes all your trucks and says you can't play with any of your own trucks. What's going on there? Do you, do you, do you like that? What, do you want to figure out what you could say?

• 1:33:04Speaker 02

  Let's think about that together because I know those situations are hard in the moment, but I feel like if we kind of come up with a little game plan, we can figure it out together.

• 1:33:12Alex Cooper?

  And at what point do you go to the other kid's parent?

• 1:33:15Speaker 02

  Um, I don't know if there's an exact science to this. Um, you know, again, it's probably something to do with how extreme and the repetition. And again, I think these can actually be productive conversations. If again, we assume this kid is probably also a good kid, having a hard time, not having enough boundaries, whatever it is, I can say, look, I want to share something with you. Let me just say off the bat, I don't think there's any bad kid here, but this is something I know I would want to know. Um, and I want to share it in a way that you might find useful in your home. Here's what I notice.

• 1:33:44Alex Cooper?

  Great. Okay. What is your take on allowing your children to see you cry or really break down?

• 1:33:50Speaker 02

  I mean, I don't know if the word allow is how I think about it. Sometimes that happens. Again, our kids are kind of assessing our sturdiness. So if I can help it, I probably don't want to be breaking down all the time. But seeing us cry doesn't kind of disorient a kid as much as seeing us cry and then not talking about it or making up a random story that doesn't make sense, right? So hard things in a kid's environment, that's not what's hard for a kid. What's hard for a kid is when they notice things in their environment and no adults talk to them about it because then they have to make up their own story. Right? And the tent, the stories a kid makes up tend not to be accurate or useful, right?

• 1:34:35Speaker 02

  And so if you cry, just talk about it with your kid. Hey, you saw me crying over there, you know? And then whatever version feels developmentally appropriate. I was talking to a friend who got some sad news about someone she loves. And sometimes when our friends are sad, we're sad, you know? And then I think a line that's helpful is, you know, I can be sad and take care of you at the same time, because that's probably what a kid is really wondering.

• 1:34:58Alex Cooper?

  That's so helpful. Just everything I think also that you've shared today about like so much of it is kids really, how did you say it earlier? You're like, they're just wanting to understand like who they are in the world and, and is this real and what's happening? And so as a parent, just like giving them guidelines and guidance in those moments where they're kind of floundering and looking around, not giving them the answer, but just giving them those safety guardrails in moments that feel scary, um, is really helpful to take away from today for me.

• 1:35:29Speaker 02

  And, and kids notice everything. They notice more than we do because, right? Their survival is dependent on their attachment with us because they can't take care of themselves for insane amount of time. And so they have to perceive everything in the environment. Is that safe? Is that safe? Is that a threat? Is that a threat? So they, they notice everything. And so I think sometimes we think we're protecting them by not talking about something. They've already seen it. So either they've seen it and they have a story from you to understand, or they've seen it and then they have to make up their own story, or they start to, going back to conference, Alex, they start to doubt their perceptions. Well, mommy's belly does keep getting bigger, or I do keep hearing, are my uncle's name

• 1:36:14Speaker 02

  and cancer all the time, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't really notice that because no one's talking to me about it.

• 1:36:21Alex Cooper?

  You have done so much work. I'm wondering like, what are you most focused on and interested in now?

• 1:36:29Speaker 02

  You know, it's such good timing for this conversation because I think my, my parenting work, some of it, so much of it started with pregnant women and new parents in my practice, right? That was, and when I started Good Inside, I had toddlers and then my kids have grown up into teens. And so that's kind of naturally where so many things went. But now at Good Inside, we're so excited to be focused on the pregnancy and baby stage because in some ways I think it's, it's how we really start to lose ourselves, especially as moms, we're obsessed with the fruit size of our baby, which by the way, I totally was too, and it's very fun. And we track everything, which again, I think we can do, but we, we kind of lose track

• 1:37:11Speaker 02

  of ourselves by only kind of focusing on everyone else. And so to be able to help new parents and show up and just say, yeah, let's help you with the feeding, let's help you with the sleep, but also let's help you with you. Let's help you learn to set boundaries. Let's help you in your partnership before things explode. And that, that's what's really exciting me right now.

• 1:37:32Alex Cooper?

  You also are writing children's books?

• 1:37:33Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:37:34Alex Cooper?

  What is different about your book?

• 1:37:36Speaker 02

  Um, you know, I, I love children's books. I'm obsessed with children's books. I also think they've always helped me be a good parent when I'm too exhausted to be a good parent. Like I'd come home and I'm like, I can't, I'm like, all right, I can read. So let me just pick out a book that feels like it has some good themes and I can ask like one question at the end. I'm like, perfect. Have myself on the back. So I wanted to give parents, I think they're tools when they're the right books. And I always love Robert Munch books. Um, I just, they show kids doing not nice things, saying not nice things. My kids always loved them. And I've never been too afraid that seeing those things are going to make my kids act that way. And my kids are exposed to all types of things in the real world.

• 1:38:21Alex Cooper?

  Way worse, yeah.

• 1:38:22Speaker 02

  But a book with some hard stuff allows me to say, oh, I wonder what you would do if you were Charlie. Oh, have you ever felt like Pia? Do you know, I don't know if you knew this, but when I was six, I, I hit people sometimes. If you want to have your kids mouth drop and be, have successful interventions with them, you tell them, that's right. They're like, what? My amazing mom used to hit? And you're like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Let me tell you about that. And now all of a sudden you reduce shame because you can say you're not the only one, but if they hear a story of when you struggled with something they're going through, they have proof that they're not the only one. And nothing changes behavior as much as adding that component.

• 1:39:04Speaker 02

  So I was thinking, let me show real situations. Every parent has them anyway. And also show parents through a picture book, how maybe they could intervene a little differently. And then to be able to read a book like that and then say, yeah, I had that, or what do you think? Again, you're going to have an eight second conversation, okay? But that's all sometimes that you need to unstick things.

• 1:39:28Alex Cooper?

  Absolutely. Okay. Last question. As someone who's about to enter the mom club and to anyone that's watching that's also about to become a new mother, what is your last piece of advice? Anything that comes to mind? It doesn't need to be the best advice, but just anything that you want to leave and impart your wisdom on me and us with today.

• 1:39:51Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, I think the best framework, you know, I think about is someone's becoming a mom is just.

• 1:39:59Speaker 02

  Knowing yourself and making sure you're in the equation is a foundation to taking care of a child. And so if you know the things that make you feel like you, right? And you kind of want to get concrete, you write them down. Hopefully some of them are small. Like I love dancing to some song from high school. It makes me remember, I loved that. Or I really like to work out a couple of days a week for 20 minutes, but that makes me feel strong in my own body. You'll probably have a hard time doing them for the first number of months, but just knowing that part of your job as a mom is keeping those things alive for your benefit and for your kids' benefit. That's what I want to make sure people know.

• 1:40:42Alex Cooper?

  It's such good advice. I am definitely going to do that because I could see myself being like, oh my God, I'm losing my way. And what do I want to do? And it's like, well, what made you happy before and what makes you feel like yourself? And I agree. So you can show up to be the best version of yourself. Um, it is, it seems simple, but just from what everything I've heard from friends who have gone through this, like you're in this little vortex and it can be a lot and overstimulating and confusing and all of that is okay. And you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself in order to feel your best because yes, this child is amazing, but you're also, you deserve

• 1:41:23Alex Cooper?

  to live also a happy life and being a mom is not your entire identity. You were someone, like you said, for decades before this. So you're not just going to like drop her off on the side of the road and just like come up with a whole new persona and identity. You still have to nourish that side of yourself while also embracing the new aspects of yourself.

• 1:41:43Speaker 02

  I think that's exactly it. And all the hard parts that can I stay with my kid when they're having a tantrum instead of just, you know, making it go away right away. If I've had a couple of moments of my week where I feel like me, my ability to do that is so much higher than if it's just one kind of thing after the next of only taking care of someone else. So I think it all comes together.

• 1:42:05Alex Cooper?

  Dr. Becky, I can't thank you enough for coming on Call Her Daddy. I feel enlightened. I feel inspired. I feel more prepared. And I also feel like there's so much in here that tangibly, I appreciate you giving so many concrete examples because I really feel like there's so many things that people probably quite literally were writing down today. I know I'm like going to go back and write all of this down. Um, you are such an inspiration. You have such a clear vision and it's really, really nice to have a woman who can speak so eloquently about something that is very complicated and it is very intimidating. And

• 1:42:46Alex Cooper?

  so thank you for giving us your time. And I know we went a while, but I needed to squeeze everything out of you. Um, so thank you so much for coming.

• 1:42:54Speaker 02

  Thank you. You asked such an amazing range of really thoughtful questions. I really enjoyed this. So thank you.

• 1:43:14Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ashley. Your home is the setting for life's most cherished memories, especially when you're growing your family. I feel like getting ready for a baby, it just can completely change the way that you think about your home and all the things that you have, because it's not just about decorating anymore. It's actually about creating a space where you're going to experience so many firsts together. And for me, that has really, it hasn't even just like changed the way I think about design, but I'm definitely making some adjustments in my house that maybe I wouldn't have even thought of prior with just my little furry babies. Now I'm going to have a real baby, guys. And Ashley offers well crafted and affordable furniture that actually is designed

• 1:43:56Alex Cooper?

  for real life, which is so important when you're heading into your, you know, the spit and the vomit and the snacks and the sticky finger era. Like we've got to be prepared and it has to be practical. Ashley's pieces aren't just beautiful. They're also incredibly durable with performance fabrics that are so easy to clean. So, you know, as a mother now, okay, not just a father, but as a mother, this is a go-to for me. So you don't have to panic about spills or messes. And you know what? Sometimes it's me actually doing the spilling. It's not going to be the baby or the dogs, but I'll obviously blame it on the dogs. Um, and also when you're preparing for a baby, convenience suddenly becomes one of the most valuable things. And Ashley shout out provides fast, reliable white glove

• 1:44:37Alex Cooper?

  delivery right to your room of choice. Thank you. So visit your local Ashley store or head to ashley.com to find your style. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Bright by Scotch Bright. Daddy gang, a lot of us obviously take pride in where we live, right? We want the decor to look good and then we want the lighting and the cleaning and all of it. And you want it to look spotless and you want it to look really nice, right? So level up your clean routine with Bright's line of sponges. Use the palm scrubber with a comfy grip for serious scrubs, the easy to fill, leak proof dish wand to keep hands out of the mess, or the scrub and wipe for a scrubbing side and a sud-sing side. All three look good, scrub great, and they come

• 1:45:22Alex Cooper?

  with handy drain and dry sands that are super compact and cute. Hook yourself up, boost it with Bright. Shop now. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Daddy gang, stop letting your money sit in checking, doing nothing. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you get a competitive APY, no account fees and a bonus when you join with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. Make your smart money move today at sofi.com/callherdaddy. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank and a member FDIC.