Ep 213: New Year - No Guest

Its 2025 and nothing has changed, we're still going to bring you a great podcast. Kicking off the year with a throwback guest free episode. Come hang for almost 2 hours of great stories and laughs. Shoutout to Peters and his sketch group "No Lobsters" check them out on their YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@NoLobsterComedy Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with promo code DRUNK at https://www.sheathunderwear.com Get $50 instantly when you play $5 with code DRUNKS when you Download the PrizePicks app at https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRUNKS Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Mark Normand?

  Hey, hey, folks. Happy... We might be drunk. Who knows what holiday? Could be Black History Month, could be Cinco de Mayo. Who knows? But we're keeping them coming. Continuity.

• 0:18Sam Morril?

  I'm feeling that holiday like...

• 0:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, I'm a jellyfish.

• 0:21Sam Morril?

  I threw one out there to a friend the other day where, uh... You know, I'm like, "I'm gaining weight, you know, from the holidays." And I was expecting, "No, you're not." But she goes, "What's the holidays?" I'm like, "Damn it, I am." She got me.

• 0:34Mark Normand?

  She got you there. Damn.

• 0:36Sam Morril?

  Well, I've accidentally hit people... Someone said to me recently, and I was like, "Well, you know, it's winter. You cover up." Which is no better. I've done it too, but you don't pack on a few.

• 0:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 0:49Sam Morril?

  It's also like a stagnant time of year.

• 0:51Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 0:52Sam Morril?

  You're just laying around like... I'm usually moving and doing stuff.

• 0:55Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 0:55Sam Morril?

  So I force myself to the gym, but then I go... I come back and I'm just like eating donuts and shit.

• 1:00Mark Normand?

  I know, same here.

• 1:01Sam Morril?

  And women love filling your house with junk.

• 1:04Mark Normand?

  They do.

• 1:05Sam Morril?

  She's buying all this shit from Goldbelly. And I'm like, "Nine cupcakes?"

• 1:09Mark Normand?

  Woo.

• 1:09Sam Morril?

  She bought nine of those Contessa, Barefoot Contessa.

• 1:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 1:13Sam Morril?

  Dude, they're incredible, but...

• 1:15Mark Normand?

  Bring them in, I'll eat them.

• 1:16Sam Morril?

  I think she just like scooped the frosting off all of them and ate them.

• 1:19Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:20Sam Morril?

  "Give them to people in the building." And she was like, "I scooped the frosting." And I was like, "All right, don't give them to people in the building."

• 1:26Mark Normand?

  The homeless must be living it up. I mean, every garbage can's gotta be full of cupcakes and cookies and cakes. They must be living large.

• 1:36Sam Morril?

  It is a sad image where they go to the garbage and they're like jackpot.

• 1:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, only in America do we have fat homeless people. There's homeless people out there who are just... All they do is walk, but they're fat as shit.

• 1:46Sam Morril?

  Not in the West Coast as much.

• 1:47Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:48Sam Morril?

  Because I don't know what that is, but like maybe the sun just makes you kinda like shed a little more. I don't know. They all look like Hugh Jackman out West.

• 1:54Mark Normand?

  That's true. Why is that? Whoa, Jesus.

• 1:58Sam Morril?

  Because they probably used to be actors and they were like, you know, "I could still..." That's the LA mentality, like, "Still could bounce back." He's living under a bridge, but he's like, "I don't... They could bring back my, you know, my headshot."

• 2:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, even in LA, you got it. The hobos look pretty slender, that's true.

• 2:12Sam Morril?

  Apparently. I mean, LA is getting crushed though right now. Like Hollywood is outsourcing all this stuff to Europe and Asia. And it's not Hollywood, like Netflix, all the streamers.

• 2:21Mark Normand?

  Right. Well, I mean, look, we had a good run, all these writers and air conditioning with craft service and free lunch all day.

• 2:28Sam Morril?

  It's all over.

• 2:29Mark Normand?

  It's all over. You had your Big Bang theories and your, uh, what is it, Sheldon and all that, all the bullshit.

• 2:35Sam Morril?

  It was already like winning a Lotto ticket back in the day.

• 2:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:38Sam Morril?

  It's like, you know.

• 2:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:40Sam Morril?

  Think about it.

• 2:40Mark Normand?

  I know. People had, I was always jealous of the writers. They had healthcare, they had dental, they had a parking space. And we were out there grinding in Cleveland. So, welcome to the party.

• 2:52Sam Morril?

  I, uh, I do feel like this time of year, like, I, I need structure. It makes me angry.

• 2:57Mark Normand?

  Same.

• 2:58Sam Morril?

  I, I need people, like, tell me what to do.

• 3:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 3:01Sam Morril?

  Like, you have an agent hitting you up, you have, you know, like, I had a real annoying, oh, God. I told you about that, I hired someone, this is a first world complaint, but I'm still gonna complain.

• 3:11Mark Normand?

  Lay it on me, fatty.

• 3:13Sam Morril?

  So, my mom nagged me, you know, you moved to a new place, I moved to a new place.

• 3:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:18Sam Morril?

  She's like, you need an interior decorator. I was like, absolutely not. She nagged me till I caved.

• 3:22Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 3:23Sam Morril?

  It'll save you money in the end, because they get you discounts, which is a lie.

• 3:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 3:27Sam Morril?

  What, do you get, uh, credit for giving me this rec? So, I'm like, if you find someone cheap, who will just, like, take this off my plate, because I'm never home.

• 3:36Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 3:36Sam Morril?

  I'll, I'll do it. She found someone who's not cheap.

• 3:39Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 3:39Sam Morril?

  And...

• 3:40Mark Normand?

  Boy, she really weaseled her way in, huh?

• 3:42Sam Morril?

  And then, and by the way, I'm so easy to shop for, because I'm like, that, that, and that.

• 3:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 3:47Sam Morril?

  And I'm like, wait, I didn't need her.

• 3:48Mark Normand?

  Ah, that's right.

• 3:50Sam Morril?

  But then the stuff I wanted, she was like, well, that's coming from Italy, these couches.

• 3:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 3:54Sam Morril?

  So, I'm like, alright, by the way, immigrants must hate this shit. They're like, couches can get past security. Maybe they're in the couch. Ace Ventura in the Rhino's Ass style. But, uh, I'm, I'm fuming, you know, it's like, six months to get my couch.

• 4:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 4:12Sam Morril?

  And then it's not the couch I wanted.

• 4:13Mark Normand?

  Ah, these Italians, there was a, a language barrier.

• 4:18Sam Morril?

  No, it's, it was them. Because she was like, you know, it... It was, uh, like a, I have that movie room now.

• 4:25Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:25Sam Morril?

  I wanted to make it comfy. There's a bed in the couch. It's so fucking uncomfortable.

• 4:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, the fold-out. That's a bummer. It's never as comfortable. They got that bar in the middle. And no one wants to sleep on that thing, by the way.

• 4:36Sam Morril?

  No one. And by the way, you know, the couch, it's supposed to recline. It's comfy enough to sleep on anyway.

• 4:42Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 4:42Sam Morril?

  Killed me, this person.

• 4:43Mark Normand?

  Damn. And can you send it back, or is it too?

• 4:45Sam Morril?

  They say you can't send it back, because it's a custom job.

• 4:48Mark Normand?

  Ah!

• 4:49Sam Morril?

  And then I say, "Well, give me the custom job I wanted."

• 4:52Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 4:52Sam Morril?

  And now they haven't answered in a week. The holidays. Everyone takes the holidays off.

• 4:56Mark Normand?

  That's true. And they got the Atlantic Ocean between us. They go, "Ah, we'll, we'll be fine." He's gonna give up eventually. What's he gonna do, knock the door down?

• 5:03Sam Morril?

  Maybe I will.

• 5:04Mark Normand?

  Maybe we should go to Italy.

• 5:05Sam Morril?

  I, I wanna do a gig in, like, I hear, you know, Rome.

• 5:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 5:09Sam Morril?

  Could be, could be a good place to do comedy.

• 5:10Mark Normand?

  I'm going there in August.

• 5:11Sam Morril?

  Dude, I just watched Cinema Paradiso.

• 5:13Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 5:14Sam Morril?

  I'd never seen it.

• 5:15Mark Normand?

  One of the best movies of all time.

• 5:16Sam Morril?

  I had dinner with Liz Furriate.

• 5:17Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 5:18Sam Morril?

  In the cellar, and, and Rachel Feinstein. And they're like, "You've never seen Cinema Paradiso? Man, those Italians will make you cry."

• 5:25Mark Normand?

  I know. Mostly about the couches. Yeah. It's true. That movie's like, uh, phew, it's a, it hits you right in the heartstrings.

• 5:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah. It, it did make me misty, for sure. Holy shit.

• 5:37Mark Normand?

  I watched it with my dad as a kid, so it was like, you know, very relatable.

• 5:42Sam Morril?

  Oh, it's fucking sad.

• 5:43Mark Normand?

  What year is that? Ninety, ninety-one, eighty-nine, eighty-eight?

• 5:46Sam Morril?

  Something like that.

• 5:47Mark Normand?

  Eighty-eight, yeah. So good. Everybody watched, that's a wreck.

• 5:50Sam Morril?

  That's, it's, it's fucking sad, though. But man, I'm out a lot of money from this.

• 5:55Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 5:56Sam Morril?

  I'm fuming.

• 5:56Mark Normand?

  Italian furniture.

• 5:57Sam Morril?

  I just hate getting taken for a ride.

• 5:59Mark Normand?

  I know. Well, I'm with you, because we had a, we got, we hired a designer guy, totally gypped us. He'd be like, "This, here's three things. What do you like?" And I go, "I love the third one." And he goes, "Ugh." And I would go like, "You gave me the option."

• 6:12Sam Morril?

  I-

• 6:12Mark Normand?

  So then I would go, "All right, give me the middle one." And he goes, "Good choice." I'm like, "Okay." Meanwhile, I didn't know the good choice was like, four grand, and it's a lamp.

• 6:20Sam Morril?

  Oh, that's what this lady would do. She'd give me options for a coffee table. I'd be like, "Twenty grand?"

• 6:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah!

• 6:24Sam Morril?

  Who, even if I was insanely rich, I wouldn't do this.

• 6:27Mark Normand?

  No, it's crazy. And I'll go on Google, or Facebook Marketplace, I'm finding all kinds of steals.

• 6:32Sam Morril?

  I know. It's almost, I mean, that's why I'm mad at myself for doing this, because it's fun to find the steal.

• 6:36Mark Normand?

  It's fun to find it.

• 6:37Sam Morril?

  It's like, anyone can buy clothes, you know, full price.

• 6:41Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 6:41Sam Morril?

  You go to like, a Nordstrom Rack.

• 6:42Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 6:44Sam Morril?

  Like, discount places. That's more fun.

• 6:45Mark Normand?

  Yes. Same with women.

• 6:49Sam Morril?

  I found her on the side of the road. She had a very low self-esteem. She sticks around.

• 6:53Mark Normand?

  This might be a lady thing. It's my wife's like, we gotta get a designer. We gotta get an organizer. I'm like, an organizer? So we hired this lady to walk through the house. You know, she had an Indiana Jones hat and a scarf. And she was like, hmm, the Feng Shui is off. This needs to go over here. And it was like a thousand dollars for her to come in and do that.

• 7:08Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 7:09Mark Normand?

  I was like, we can do this. This is pathetic that we have to hire this lady.

• 7:12Sam Morril?

  That's a sign. She's dressed really well. She's making too much money on this. To have some pride in what you do.

• 7:17Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's what I said.

• 7:19Sam Morril?

  The not responding is a real peeve.

• 7:21Mark Normand?

  That's crazy.

• 7:23Sam Morril?

  I gave a lot of money.

• 7:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 7:25Sam Morril?

  And I didn't get what I wanted. And just to get in the door, it was a crazy amount of money.

• 7:28Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 7:28Sam Morril?

  Get them to load. This is our retainer fee. I'm like, retainer?

• 7:31Mark Normand?

  Retainer.

• 7:31Sam Morril?

  What, I hired Johnny Cochran?

• 7:35Mark Normand?

  That is crazy, yeah. See, that's one good thing about spending a lot of money is you can, you have the ability to bitch. You know, if you spend seventeen dollars at Amazon, you kinda gotta eat it. But if you spend eight million on a couch from Italy, you can go ahead.

• 7:48Sam Morril?

  I have the money to bitch in there.

• 7:49Mark Normand?

  I agree. I'm just saying. You can go, you're allowed to go Karen.

• 7:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 7:53Mark Normand?

  On these paisans.

• 7:54Sam Morril?

  I went fucking Karen, dude.

• 7:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah, get these Guineas, you couch raping whops.

• 7:59Sam Morril?

  Infuriating.

• 8:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that is crazy.

• 8:02Sam Morril?

  You told me you saw the Bob Dylan movie, too.

• 8:03Mark Normand?

  I did.

• 8:04Sam Morril?

  I heard he's amazing in it.

• 8:05Mark Normand?

  He's great. It looks great. Mangold is a hell of a director. But here's the thing with the movie. And I'm gonna be a cunt here.

• 8:12Sam Morril?

  Be a cunt.

• 8:13Mark Normand?

  It didn't need to be made. We have the documentary, which is way better. And also, they took liberties. They put him in the Folk Fest when he was actually in England. They put him with Joan Baez in the beginning when he was actually with another lady. So I'm like, why would you fuck up the story? We know, we have Google. Bob Dylan's still alive. Why would you change it?

• 8:31Sam Morril?

  Isn't that weird?

• 8:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah, like, what's the point of that?

• 8:34Sam Morril?

  Imagine you're Bob Dylan, you're seeing that movie, and you're like, that's not my life.

• 8:37Mark Normand?

  I know, exactly. And they knew what to do. Like, they knew all the ins and outs, but they still were like, nah, let's change this. Let's fix that. Let's move that around. I'm like, you had to go Hollywood, and you had to ruin it.

• 8:48Sam Morril?

  That's the problem with biopics, is that

• 8:50Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 8:50Sam Morril?

  They always, they always take liberties.

• 8:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And look, Shalit Mu is great. And there's points in it where you're like, oh my god, is that Bob Dylan? Like, that's how good it is, but

• 9:00Sam Morril?

  And he's, he's really good.

• 9:01Mark Normand?

  That's really the takeaway of the movie is like, his performance and watching the mimicry of, mimicry? Is that a word?

• 9:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:09Mark Normand?

  The mimicry of the, of the character is really cool. But other than that, I'm like, what was the point of this? Nothing really happens. It's just kinda like a day in the life.

• 9:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I do. I do feel that. I'm always kind of reluctant to see biopics. I thought, I thought, you know, Ray is probably, it's probably like Ray.

• 9:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 9:25Sam Morril?

  Jamie Foxx is incredible, but the movie is like, alright.

• 9:27Mark Normand?

  It was alright, yeah.

• 9:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Walk the Line is.

• 9:30Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 9:31Sam Morril?

  That was pretty goo- that was man gold to it.

• 9:32Mark Normand?

  Yes, it was.

• 9:33Sam Morril?

  I mean, you know, I like that, but again, it is, it is weird that more people see this than any documentary on him.

• 9:40Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 9:41Sam Morril?

  And it's not real.

• 9:42Mark Normand?

  Right. So I got so into it, because I was a huge Dylan fan growing up, uh, that I watched the documentary again after the movie. And, uh, it's so much better. It's like real and they have all the footage. And, uh, you know, you ever, you ever, you know the story of him going electric?

• 9:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, what happened?

• 9:59Mark Normand?

  So he's in England. He's like this big folk hero, you know, he's writing the best songs. He's a great lyricist. He's changing lives. He's, he's, they call him a protest song, whatever. He goes out to England. He's like, well, we're gonna go electric now. And they're booing him. They yell, Judas, Judas, like you turned our back on us. Turn your back on us. And he goes, I don't believe you. And then he turns around and goes, play it loud. And they fucking rock it out and it's so good that it turns the audience. It's an amazing story. But the movie does this, but they do it all wrong, so.

• 10:29Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 10:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's a bummer. I don't know why they decided to do that.

• 10:33Sam Morril?

  I feel like they did a similar thing with that movie, Ali.

• 10:35Mark Normand?

  Uh, yeah.

• 10:36Sam Morril?

  That movie just kind of sucked.

• 10:38Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 10:38Sam Morril?

  And, uh, then that doc is so cool.

• 10:42Mark Normand?

  We Were Kings?

• 10:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 10:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah, so good. I think that's a Michael Mann movie.

• 10:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I love Michael Mann.

• 10:46Mark Normand?

  So do I.

• 10:47Sam Morril?

  I just didn't like that movie.

• 10:48Mark Normand?

  Michael Mann and Ali, think, I mean, and Will Smith, you think it'd be solid.

• 10:53Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 10:54Mark Normand?

  Who knew Will Smith? Slap.

• 10:56Sam Morril?

  Open hand.

• 10:56Mark Normand?

  Slapbox, yeah.

• 10:57Sam Morril?

  It does suck that a dude who trained to be a boxer hits you in the face.

• 11:01Mark Normand?

  That's true, yeah.

• 11:02Sam Morril?

  You know he's got the power.

• 11:03Mark Normand?

  I know, and he, if you could pull up that slap, I know this is old news, but he really cocked back. It was like, um, Victorian.

• 11:10Sam Morril?

  It's such a bitch move.

• 11:12Mark Normand?

  Look at that. I mean, that's perfect form.

• 11:13Sam Morril?

  And to go after a dude smaller.

• 11:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And Rock, looking back, handled that like a, he didn't even go like, Jesus, he just took it. That's a guy who had like six brothers.

• 11:25Sam Morril?

  Whoa, yeah. But, uh, yeah, man, I was at that Christmas Day game, Knicks Spurs, and I'm next to Stephon Marbury.

• 11:33Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 11:34Sam Morril?

  After every, Knicks are going on a run, they're losing, and I'm like, fuck, the Knicks are gonna lose this. My girlfriend is a Spurs fan.

• 11:40Mark Normand?

  Uh oh.

• 11:41Sam Morril?

  Which is annoying.

• 11:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:42Sam Morril?

  And she was like, I can't wear a Spurs, I'm like, to a game, the Knicks are giving us tickets. If you do it, I will break up with you.

• 11:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:50Sam Morril?

  Easiest, you get me in trouble with MSG, I will easily leave you. It's the easy, I told her, I'm like, it'll be the easiest breakup of my life.

• 11:58Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 11:58Sam Morril?

  And I was like, Knicks are forever.

• 12:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:01Sam Morril?

  I don't know if we're forever.

• 12:02Mark Normand?

  It's a good point.

• 12:03Sam Morril?

  I, you know.

• 12:04Mark Normand?

  There's literally a Seinfeld episode about this.

• 12:06Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 12:06Mark Normand?

  Where she wears the Orioles hat to the Yankee game.

• 12:08Sam Morril?

  Unacceptable.

• 12:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:10Sam Morril?

  Unacceptable. To her credit, she just wore black, and I was like, alright, that's subtle enough, I guess.

• 12:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:16Sam Morril?

  But, you know, Stephon Marbury comes over to high five her after a big Knicks play, and she goes, I'm a Spurs fan. He's like, oh, and I'm like, I'll take that high five, and Marbury hugs me.

• 12:24Mark Normand?

  Hey! Is there anything to be said that she's super loyal?

• 12:28Sam Morril?

  No, I respect that.

• 12:29Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 12:30Sam Morril?

  Of course, respect you being loyal to your team, but you just can't bring that, you know.

• 12:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, to the house.

• 12:36Sam Morril?

  You can't bring that when they're hooking us up.

• 12:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's kind of a slap in the face.

• 12:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's a, it's a hard ticket, Christmas Day, man.

• 12:43Mark Normand?

  And she lost.

• 12:44Sam Morril?

  I saw, I saw Steve Sharupa there.

• 12:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:46Sam Morril?

  Came over and he goes, I wanna do your guys' podcast, but I just don't wanna come on with other Sopranos people. I wanna like, tell my own stories.

• 12:53Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 12:54Sam Morril?

  Oh, that's cool, yeah.

• 12:55Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 12:55Sam Morril?

  But we're such, I told him, I was like, I was literally watching Sopranos yesterday.

• 13:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:00Sam Morril?

  But, yeah, we should have him on.

• 13:02Mark Normand?

  I wonder why, like, he said that.

• 13:04Sam Morril?

  Cause he's probably done it with everyone.

• 13:05Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 13:06Sam Morril?

  Wants to do his own thing.

• 13:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, there he is, that's, uh, the, the big Ziti.

• 13:12Sam Morril?

  That's right, Karen Ziti.

• 13:13Mark Normand?

  Bakalaa.

• 13:14Sam Morril?

  I watched the episode where his dad does that one last hit, Burt Young.

• 13:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:18Sam Morril?

  Such a good fucking ep.

• 13:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's great, I love the, uh, he goes, you gotta be Santa, he goes, I can't be Santa, why can't you be Santa? I'm shy. Great delivery.

• 13:28Sam Morril?

  That's perfect.

• 13:29Mark Normand?

  I'd love to get Imperiali on one day, too. He's in White Lotus.

• 13:32Sam Morril?

  I know, man. And he wrote some of those eps where you're like, god damn, he's a smart dude, too.

• 13:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, is that right?

• 13:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he wrote some eps.

• 13:39Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 13:40Sam Morril?

  Crazy.

• 13:40Mark Normand?

  That is cool. There he is.

• 13:41Sam Morril?

  Look at him, big Knicks fan.

• 13:43Mark Normand?

  Look at that.

• 13:43Sam Morril?

  What, uh, yeah, what were the holidays like with the in-laws?

• 13:47Mark Normand?

  Well, we did the Christmas at their house, which is always great. The kids come by, all the nephews and everything, and you give gifts. How about this? I got a gift, like, uh, it's called Pirate's Water. See if you can look this up there, Peters. Did you get this from Burt?

• 14:02Sam Morril?

  Nah.

• 14:02Mark Normand?

  Or maybe it's a-

• 14:03Sam Morril?

  I thought this was from KFC.

• 14:04Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's what it is. KFC.

• 14:05Sam Morril?

  I have it in my fridge. I haven't tried it yet.

• 14:07Mark Normand?

  You got the chest?

• 14:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 14:09Sam Morril?

  Oh, my god. This is such a New York complaint. When I got it, I'm like, you gotta lug a chest up this?

• 14:14Mark Normand?

  I know, I know. So...

• 14:16Sam Morril?

  But it was cool presentation.

• 14:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it was really cool. The chest is, like, well-made. It's wooden and metal.

• 14:21Sam Morril?

  We gotta step up our presentation.

• 14:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 14:24Sam Morril?

  Is everyone in the liquor game now?

• 14:25Mark Normand?

  I know. And liquor's going through the floor, too. That's the weird part. No one's drinking anymore.

• 14:29Sam Morril?

  But this is very different than ours. Did you try? I haven't tried it yet. It's in my fridge still.

• 14:32Mark Normand?

  I did try it.

• 14:35Mark Normand?

  Not for me.

• 14:36Sam Morril?

  Well, it's not your type of drink.

• 14:37Mark Normand?

  No.

• 14:37Sam Morril?

  They're like, kinda like, uh...

• 14:39Mark Normand?

  They're like Red Bull-y.

• 14:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, wicked tea.

• 14:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 14:43Sam Morril?

  There's a lot of money in this kinda like tough beverage. Like, look at Liquid Death.

• 14:46Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 14:47Sam Morril?

  It's like Liquid Death. It's water.

• 14:49Mark Normand?

  It's water. Mike's Hard Lemonade. All right, all right.

• 14:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah, take it. I just wanna drink it. I don't wanna fight it.

• 14:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah, so, um, I got the chest, and the, one of the nephews is five, and he's obsessed with pirates. So, the wife goes, "You gotta bring this to Boston." And I go, "Oh, yeah, that was a month ago." Cut to the day of, I got my bags packed, and I see that fucking chest, and I go, "Ah, I gotta lug this thing." So I-

• 15:13Sam Morril?

  Are you driving?

• 15:14Mark Normand?

  No, I'm taking the flight to Boston.

• 15:16Sam Morril?

  That's insane.

• 15:17Mark Normand?

  So I gotta lug this fucking chest through JFK, and everybody's like, "What's up with the chest? What's with the chest?" I'm like, "Ah, I'm trying to help out a nephew." And they go, "You're a good uncle." And the thing's flopping open, and it's heavy as shit, and I'm like, trying to shove it. It won't fit in the, uh, the overhead, so I had to check it. Off of this chest- Christmas Day finally shows up, the kid's running, I go, "I found this chest in an old pirate ship." And they go, "Ah, what is that, transformer?" I go, "Ah, the fucking queef kids."

• 15:49Sam Morril?

  Oh, man, that sucks.

• 15:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 15:51Sam Morril?

  You just left it. Maybe, maybe you leave it there and they, they find something.

• 15:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, I left it. I never wanted to see that thing again.

• 15:56Sam Morril?

  Banana mama?

• 15:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 15:58Sam Morril?

  Banana mama?

• 15:58Mark Normand?

  Bahama mama.

• 15:59Sam Morril?

  Bahama mama. God, I can't read them. My eyesight sucks.

• 16:02Mark Normand?

  But we did it, we did a, we did the damn thing with Christmas. Then I went home, in-laws come home with me, because they had to do something in New York. So you're like, right when you get away from in-laws, you turn around, they're in your living room.

• 16:15Sam Morril?

  Well, now you got this, you know, big place, you have space.

• 16:17Mark Normand?

  Big place, but here's the problem. You know, it's still being built and everything's still kinda, we're almost done. We're like 90% done, but the dad is walking around going, "A couple of loose wires over here. Uh, who did the plumbing? What's up with that? A little drywall dust on the floor there." And you're like, "God, no!" And he goes, "Is this vapor locked?" And I'm like, "I don't know anything about vapor locks." So I'm getting the whole, like, in-law dad, uh, construction.

• 16:41Sam Morril?

  That's such dad behavior.

• 16:42Mark Normand?

  Total mansplained, total like, "Hey, you gotta step that up. Who, who does your plumbing? Give him my number, let me talk to him." And I'm like, "I got it, don't worry." So, there's a lot of that going on. Uh, and that's, that's my peeve. When someone's staying at my house, great, happy to help, got the bed made, towels on the bed, I'm ready to go, bathroom's over here.

• 17:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but you're not John Taffer, let's take it down a notch, you know?

• 17:04Mark Normand?

  Exactly. But my peeve is, they wanna hang out. Like, the dad's like, "What are we doing today?" And I'm like, "Oh, I got a pod to do." And he's like, "Where is it?" And I'm like, "It's in Midtown." He's like, "I'll go with you."

• 17:15Sam Morril?

  What?

• 17:16Mark Normand?

  So now we're going, he's, now he's going to Midtown with me. So that's the hard part.

• 17:19Sam Morril?

  You're doing Tuesdays with stories with your wife's dad?

• 17:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. Uh, that's a Patreon app, check it out. But yeah, so that was the hard part, is like, the babysitting of it all, you know, like, he's like, "What else is going on?" And I'm like, "Ah, I'm gonna mow the lawn." And he's like, "I'll, I'll rake the leaves." So I think he just needs something to do.

• 17:36Sam Morril?

  You know Ben Franklin's got that quote, "Visitors are like fish, after three days, they start to stink."

• 17:41Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 17:42Sam Morril?

  I'm paraphrasing, I don't know if that's...

• 17:43Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 17:44Sam Morril?

  But it's, that's... A version of the quote.

• 17:47Mark Normand?

  That's good.

• 17:47Sam Morril?

  But it's so true, man. Like, that's why I didn't want a bed in the other room. I'm like, you can sleep here on the couch.

• 17:52Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 17:52Sam Morril?

  Couch ain't that comfy. You're not gonna wanna stay for too long.

• 17:55Mark Normand?

  Couch is temporary.

• 17:56Sam Morril?

  Guests like fish begin to smell after three days.

• 17:58Mark Normand?

  I think I like yours better.

• 17:59Sam Morril?

  I like mine better too.

• 18:00Mark Normand?

  Smell should be the last word.

• 18:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 18:02Mark Normand?

  Um, you know, McDonald's designed their seats to be comfortable for five minutes.

• 18:07Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 18:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's some fucking, you wonder why these guys stick around. It's ideas like that.

• 18:13Sam Morril?

  Whole fast food, they don't want you to loiter, right?

• 18:14Mark Normand?

  That's true. Also, red makes you hungry, they say. So it's all red. All red and uncomfortable. Like my ex.

• 18:22Sam Morril?

  Red?

• 18:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 18:23Sam Morril?

  So you wanna leave if something's red too?

• 18:25Mark Normand?

  Well, red makes you hungry. So you go in, you're like, oh, I wanna eat more. I'll buy more burgers.

• 18:30Sam Morril?

  Wonder why that is? Like, maybe things are ketchup?

• 18:32Mark Normand?

  Maybe, yeah. Maybe it does something to the brain. Also, ketchup, one of two foods that hit every taste bud.

• 18:40Sam Morril?

  You know, they should make, they should make chairs in hospitals more comfortable.

• 18:44Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 18:44Sam Morril?

  Cause those, you're never there for five minutes.

• 18:46Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 18:46Sam Morril?

  Waiting room.

• 18:47Mark Normand?

  And those chairs suck.

• 18:49Sam Morril?

  They suck.

• 18:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah. What do you got here? Red is considered a color that makes people wanna eat because it is associated with excitement, stimulation, and urgency. Alright, well, there you go.

• 18:58Sam Morril?

  Weird, alright.

• 18:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 18:59Sam Morril?

  What's a, what's a color that makes you not wanna eat? Brown?

• 19:02Mark Normand?

  Probably.

• 19:03Sam Morril?

  Well, or, I'm thinking of other fast food. White Castle's just white, right? Blue?

• 19:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, can you make that a little bigger? Red is associated with energy, passion, urgency, and appetite stimulation.

• 19:21Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 19:22Sam Morril?

  Orange is associated with value and appetite stim- alright.

• 19:25Mark Normand?

  What?

• 19:26Sam Morril?

  Are these all, what's yellow is associated with enthusiasm, youthfulness, and appetite stimul- are these all appetite? McDonald's has two of them though, red and yellow, right? Green is associated with, uh, health, freshness, nature, and eco-friendliness.

• 19:40Mark Normand?

  That makes sense.

• 19:41Sam Morril?

  Blue is associated with calm, trust, security, and freshness. Alright, we're blue on a first date.

• 19:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:47Sam Morril?

  You don't wanna eat in too much, and you can trust you. Purple, luxury, fruitiness.

• 19:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, interesting.

• 19:55Sam Morril?

  Elitism.

• 19:56Mark Normand?

  Ooh, the Lakers.

• 19:59Sam Morril?

  That's right, you're, you're a bunch of elite fruits.

• 20:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 20:02Sam Morril?

  Pink, sweetness, femininity, and calm. Alright. Brown, sweetness, nature, earthiness, and wholesomeness. Alright, this is kinda interesting.

• 20:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, alright. Now let me throw this at ya. Speaking of fucked up holidays, I'm getting on the flight to go to Boston. I get a call from the garage I keep my car in. "Hey, you got a boot on your car."

• 20:26Sam Morril?

  What?

• 20:27Mark Normand?

  And I go, "Ah, what the hell's up with the boot?" They're like, "I dunno, you gotta go down to the garage." I go, "I'm leaving for a flight in 10 minutes." They go, "Just come by." So the garage is a block away. I go to the garage. The guy goes, "Uh, we fucked up, we'll take the boot off." And I go, "Alright, great." Then I go to Boston, two days later, "Hey, your car got broken into."

• 20:43Sam Morril?

  What?

• 20:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, so-

• 20:45Sam Morril?

  In a garage?

• 20:46Mark Normand?

  In a garage!

• 20:47Sam Morril?

  Well, that's why you pay for the garage.

• 20:48Mark Normand?

  I know, and the security guy's walking around. Now here's the worst part. Window shattered, cuz I think a hobo was trying to get warmed, there's all kinds of food in there and shit. He didn't steal anything. Door was unlocked.

• 21:01Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 21:02Mark Normand?

  Door was unlocked! It was unnecessary to break the window.

• 21:05Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 21:06Mark Normand?

  So I had to go to the garage, call the cops, you wait eight hours, the cops finally show up, the cop goes, "This is crazy, the, uh, the garage has to pay for this." And I go, "Alright, thank you, that's good to hear." I go up to the garage guy, the booth, and he goes, "We're not paying for this. The cops should've given you a report." And I go, "He didn't give you a report, he said you gotta pay for it." They go, "Oh no, we're not in charge of anything."

• 21:25Sam Morril?

  What's the point of the garage?

• 21:26Mark Normand?

  Just to house it.

• 21:27Sam Morril?

  That is annoying that it was unlocked too, like, maybe it was just a criminal for like, love of the game? He opened it, then shut it, he's like, "Fuck it, I'm just gonna-

• 21:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well-

• 21:36Sam Morril?

  Smash it.

• 21:36Mark Normand?

  It looks like he took a bunch of food in there, like, he got out of the garbage, some cakes and cupcakes that you left behind. And then he, uh, he ate them in there, like, in the warmth.

• 21:44Sam Morril?

  Oh, fuck.

• 21:45Mark Normand?

  There's the boot, I got the boot off, but that's a, it's a good-looking car.

• 21:49Sam Morril?

  So how do you, so you have to just get someone to fix the windshield now?

• 21:52Mark Normand?

  I guess I gotta figure that out. But I almost don't wanna pay for it, because, once you pay for it, trying to get that bill covered is like, a nightmare.

• 22:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but what else are you gonna do, get rid of the car?

• 22:01Mark Normand?

  Nah, I'm just hoping they would, they would cover it.

• 22:04Sam Morril?

  It's crazy. Man, we're getting fucked later.

• 22:06Mark Normand?

  I know, I know.

• 22:07Sam Morril?

  What are we, suckers?

• 22:08Mark Normand?

  This city.

• 22:08Sam Morril?

  This city is filled with a lot of people who just love to fuck you over.

• 22:11Mark Normand?

  They really do, yeah. I mean, you know when you have like, a great trip and- Denver or San Francisco and you fly back, right when you land in New York, it's raining, it's snowing, you can't get a cab, the guy fucking splashes you with his tire, you know? It's like, god damn, you get caught in traffic.

• 22:27Sam Morril?

  Remember when we were in LA and we walked into the Comedy Store and the guy just started screaming at us?

• 22:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 22:31Sam Morril?

  This is like, this is LA, New York, this is big city crazy dude energy.

• 22:35Mark Normand?

  That was like 11 in the morning, too.

• 22:36Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 22:37Mark Normand?

  The guy's like, "You piece of shit, I'll kill ya!"

• 22:39Sam Morril?

  We're just like, "Ah, alright, let's go." We got our rolly bags, we don't fucking condition to fight.

• 22:43Mark Normand?

  No, not at all. But hey, we could have been caught on fire on the subway, so I guess...

• 22:47Sam Morril?

  That was fucking, that was bad. You see the guardian angels are back?

• 22:52Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 22:53Sam Morril?

  God bless them, man.

• 22:54Mark Normand?

  Good for them. I love those. When I was a kid, I wanted to be one of those guys. Then you actually think about what happens and you're like, "Fuck it."

• 23:00Sam Morril?

  Love that they just all look like the bad guy from Street Fighter.

• 23:04Sam Morril?

  Fucking, what's his name?

• 23:05Mark Normand?

  Raul Julian?

• 23:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, oh, he was great.

• 23:07Mark Normand?

  Was it M. Bison?

• 23:08Sam Morril?

  I don't remember his name.

• 23:09Mark Normand?

  Something like that. Well, look at these guy, what a, that guy's 78 years old.

• 23:12Sam Morril?

  I know, they don't, I don't know what difference they're gonna make. He's 78, he doesn't carry a weapon.

• 23:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he's just wearing a jacket, he looks like a coast guard.

• 23:18Sam Morril?

  We better not fuck with this guy, he's wearing a beret.

• 23:22Sam Morril?

  It is goo, I mean, look, but he said like, I saw the interview and he's like, "We're gonna talk to these people, we're gonna reason with them." I'm like, "I don't know if you understand, uh..."

• 23:30Mark Normand?

  Psychos?

• 23:31Sam Morril?

  If you set someone on fire, you're probably not like, "Oh, was I not suppo-" Okay, I won't do that.

• 23:34Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 23:35Sam Morril?

  I don't know, I don't know if your psychological evaluation is gonna help.

• 23:39Mark Normand?

  70. I do like the idea of a guy like boots on the ground, he's not tweeting, he's like, "Let's go in there."

• 23:44Sam Morril?

  No, I respect the fuck out of it, I just don't know, I look, I guess having anyone brave enough to step in is cool. I mean, that's, that was the shitty thing about that woman, being lit on fire, it's like, people are mad at people for not stepping in, but at the same time, what are you supposed to do when a person's on fire?

• 24:00Mark Normand?

  True, yeah.

• 24:02Sam Morril?

  You know, I, I don't, there's no playbook, but that's gonna, we're gonna have to start being educating citizens of New York, like, "Alright, if a person's on fire..."

• 24:09Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 24:09Sam Morril?

  "Everyone take out your coats and just start smacking."

• 24:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, that's what you think, is the coat over, but everybody's got that can of the goose, that shit's, uh, $1,300.

• 24:18Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 24:18Mark Normand?

  I know, and now we're gonna have to carry a rape whistle, pepper spray, a knife, and a fire extinguisher.

• 24:25Sam Morril?

  It is crazy, cuz I do wanna blame some of it on the media, but like, it is different. Like, the subway, there are enough crazy people in it.

• 24:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:34Sam Morril?

  It's a throwback, for sure.

• 24:35Mark Normand?

  Definitely. There was a shooting two days ago, I don't know if you saw that, or a stabbing. I mean, something else crazy went down, I think, two days ago on the subway, so it's ramping up, folks.

• 24:43Sam Morril?

  This shit felt like it was written by Fox News, though. This, like, "A migrant lit a person on fire in dangerous New York City." Like, you know they were coming when this story came out.

• 24:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Guatemalan.

• 24:54Sam Morril?

  "We told you not to fucking come." Not to, cuz this was someone that Trump, uh, under his immigration, threw out of the country, and then he got back in.

• 25:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, man. See?

• 25:05Sam Morril?

  Snuck back in.

• 25:06Mark Normand?

  I think the jail reform is really part of the problem. That guy was in jail, then got out of jail, then put back in jail. Just keep the fucker in jail. He's obviously nuts.

• 25:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, I don't know what, what do you do at this point?

• 25:19Mark Normand?

  It was something at Penn Station, I saw. I don't know, I don't know what the hell happened, but it was something bad. Lighting a person on fire, though, is, boy, that's next level.

• 25:30Sam Morril?

  Man stabbed near Penn Station.

• 25:31Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay, I guess that was it.

• 25:33Sam Morril?

  The Hell's Kitchen is fucking... They kept the name, dude.

• 25:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Salakius lives there. He's got a knife. And he got jumped, remember that? We got the video.

• 25:41Sam Morril?

  That was crazy.

• 25:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 25:43Sam Morril?

  I mean, mace the guy.

• 25:44Mark Normand?

  Tough.

• 25:44Sam Morril?

  But that worried me, cuz it didn't seem like the mace really worked.

• 25:48Mark Normand?

  That's true. Yes. Although, Salakius walked up to the guy, and the guy was like, "Ah," so I guess...

• 25:55Sam Morril?

  Maybe it hurt. But then, the drugs these people are on, like, who knows if they feel anything, you know?

• 25:59Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 26:01Sam Morril?

  But I see it in every city. Like, they love to act like this isn't taking the country by storm, but every city you go to, there's some fucking weird camping site in downtown. There's people who are like, yeah, look, I mean, they just, these pharmaceutical companies just, like, poison the country, and then they're like, "Yeah, we'll get rich."

• 26:19Mark Normand?

  I know. Is that what it is? Because, like, you didn't see this in the 50s. Did they just throw a guy in a pit? Did they stab him? Did they kill him? Like, how did they not have this in the 60s or whatever?

• 26:30Sam Morril?

  I mean, I think there were a lot of drug, I think there were different drugs. I mean, there was definitely a crack epidemic.

• 26:35Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 26:36Sam Morril?

  DC and stuff.

• 26:37Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 26:37Sam Morril?

  And, you know, Baltimore and all these places. And I think people were on drugs. I think they were just, heroin is a more peaceful.

• 26:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 26:45Sam Morril?

  High than whatever the shit they're taking now.

• 26:47Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 26:48Sam Morril?

  Where it's like angry and they all look like Pacino in the last scene of Scarface. They just won't go down.

• 26:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Yeah, and then Trank is pretty good, too. You ever see Trank? Those guys in Kensington? They're like barely, they're trying to stand up. Pull that, pull up Trank, T R N Q.

• 27:04Sam Morril?

  DC Benny used to have a joke about the guy, the old man in the.

• 27:07Mark Normand?

  Great joke.

• 27:08Sam Morril?

  Where you can't tell if he's, if he's doing tai chi or heroin.

• 27:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 27:12Sam Morril?

  Just the way he's leaning over. And the act that was so good.

• 27:14Mark Normand?

  So good. Look at that. They just lean. It's like the most peaceful zombie of all time.

• 27:21Mark Normand?

  Damn, look at those fucking wounds. My God. Ah! Good Lord.

• 27:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, what are you supposed to do, I think?

• 27:30Mark Normand?

  Trank, they just lean over. Wow.

• 27:33Sam Morril?

  Cause it's tough. I mean, these are just, you're asking citizens to, to step up, but then what happened? You have like a Daniel Penny incident.

• 27:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 27:42Sam Morril?

  He, uh, you know, you don't want to kill the people either. It's, it's, it's like a no win situation. Val from, our friend from the Comedy Cellar, she's one of the managers there.

• 27:51Mark Normand?

  She got jumped.

• 27:52Sam Morril?

  She got pushed down a flight of stairs in the subway, hits her head on the edge of the stairs, which are sharp.

• 27:57Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 27:58Sam Morril?

  Seventeen stitches, maybe eighteen, actually.

• 28:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:01Sam Morril?

  Actually, it might be in the twen-, I might be making this up. It was like twenty something stitches. It was terrible.

• 28:05Mark Normand?

  I saw.

• 28:05Sam Morril?

  He got four hundred stitches. He's dead. No.

• 28:08Mark Normand?

  I saw the other day. She's, she's back. Thank God, but.

• 28:10Sam Morril?

  But she's in New York. That's the thing, too, is like, if you grow up here, obviously, your head's on a swivel to that kind of behavior.

• 28:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:17Sam Morril?

  You know where to just step up. Like, I, I used to date a girl who is not from here, and she would just, there'd be a crazy guy, and she's like walking near, and I'd be like, no, no, you walk away.

• 28:25Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 28:26Sam Morril?

  This is a pretty simple thing. And she's like, oh, I didn't even notice he was screaming at us. And I was like, well, he was.

• 28:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, we had that once. It was like two in the morning. We were drinking somewhere and I was, we were walking on the east side and this guy was like, what, what's your problem? You want to go? And I was like, what's up with this guy? And you're like. Just keep going.

• 28:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 28:41Mark Normand?

  Why would you even engage?

• 28:43Sam Morril?

  Well, we do nothing. The guy yells, "What's your problem?" That happened to me on the subway once with Outside Steve from the Comedy Cellar. A guy's fucking with everyone on the train. Didn't seem dangerous, but seemed not worth pushing.

• 28:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:55Sam Morril?

  And he's another New York guy, but he's like, "Yeah, fuck off." And now he's fucking with us. I'm like, "That is fucking amateur."

• 29:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, amateur hour. The most embarrassing was the guy tried to give me a signed CD and you were like, "What, are you crazy?" I was like, "Hey, it might be worth something."

• 29:08Sam Morril?

  Oh, no, because those guys will ask for money.

• 29:10Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 29:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's the whole thing. Like, "Get my album." And you're like, "Oh, thank..." And then he's like, "That'll be $40."

• 29:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 29:15Sam Morril?

  "No, I don't, I don't actually want that."

• 29:17Mark Normand?

  No, I was helping you out.

• 29:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, we've all been, we've all been scammed that way.

• 29:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well-

• 29:22Sam Morril?

  Don't get scammed in Times Square, the first.

• 29:24Mark Normand?

  The one is, I'm from New Orleans, and the scams are so much more, um, whimsical. The guy'll go, "I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes." And you go, "I don't know where," and he goes, "On your feet. $4, please."

• 29:35Sam Morril?

  And you're almost like, "All right, he was witty."

• 29:36Mark Normand?

  Yes. But they'll, they'll just do that all day.

• 29:41Sam Morril?

  Port Authority Fair Hustle?

• 29:42Mark Normand?

  Fair Hustle.

• 29:44Sam Morril?

  What is that?

• 29:44Mark Normand?

  Fake monks. Jeez, is there no integrity?

• 29:49Sam Morril?

  I want to see what the fake monks, look at these guys.

• 29:51Mark Normand?

  That looks like a real monk to me.

• 29:53Sam Morril?

  That's how they get you.

• 29:54Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 29:55Sam Morril?

  They are commonplace in Times Square, although sometimes in, encountered in Union Square or Central Park, I guess any place with heavy traffic. They'll approach you and try to slide a bracelet on your wrist. Then they'll ask you for a donation, many times mentioning a fake temple that is in dire need of the money.

• 30:12Sam Morril?

  These are not real monks, and there is no temple. They are keeping the proceeds. Steer clear of them. The fucking, I got scammed by a monk.

• 30:19Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 30:20Sam Morril?

  This is a dark city that-

• 30:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 30:22Sam Morril?

  -people just are just like, "Pay up, motherfucker."

• 30:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. The dropped food mall, yeah, the wife fell for that one. I was like, "You're an amateur." The guy did the, "Uh-oh, my sandwich." And I was like, "That sandwich has been run over, eaten by six rats, it's three days old." And she was like, "Here's $10." I was like, "You chump."

• 30:40Sam Morril?

  What's the hot dog vendor upcharge?

• 30:41Mark Normand?

  Uh-oh.

• 30:42Sam Morril?

  There's many hardworking hot dog vendors in New York City. Billy's in the Upper West Side looking at you.

• 30:47Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 30:48Sam Morril?

  However, not all of them are honest, especially- In touristy areas, yeah, they will get you. Anytime you order from a vendor without the prices listed, ask how much it costs first.

• 30:57Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 30:58Sam Morril?

  I've seen vendors charging me $3 for water when I don't ask and $2 when I do ask in advance.

• 31:03Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 31:04Sam Morril?

  Damn, that is, yeah. Hot days in the summer, they'll get you.

• 31:07Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 31:08Sam Morril?

  I've heard countless tales of hot dogs being charged $7 to $10.

• 31:12Mark Normand?

  Whatever happened to Three Card Monte? Can we get that guy back? That was at least fun and exciting.

• 31:18Sam Morril?

  These scams are getting worse and worse. The Staten, the Staten Island Ferry scam, the fake Uber at the airport, that's when you gotta be careful.

• 31:24Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 31:25Sam Morril?

  They will fucking, they will send a friend. So like you don't look at the license plate number, they have a friend go in and you could get abducted.

• 31:33Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 31:34Sam Morril?

  Someone, there was a comic who got sexually assaulted that way.

• 31:37Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 31:37Sam Morril?

  It's fucking bad.

• 31:39Mark Normand?

  Holy moly.

• 31:40Sam Morril?

  Make sure it's the right license plate.

• 31:41Mark Normand?

  Yikes.

• 31:43Sam Morril?

  Rip off comedy tickets. We've all been there.

• 31:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 31:46Sam Morril?

  Tina Fey's performing tonight. You're like, wait a second, she's not a stand-up.

• 31:50Mark Normand?

  Damn, that was just after they saw my act. I got ripped off.

• 31:54Sam Morril?

  What else, what's the other one? Characters in Times Square.

• 31:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, watch out for the Mexican Elmo.

• 31:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, let's take a picture with your kid.

• 32:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 32:01Sam Morril?

  The Cookie Monster scammed us.

• 32:03Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 32:04Sam Morril?

  It sucks because you're ruining your childhood. You know, like that's that kid's like favorite character and he's like, pay up motherfucker.

• 32:09Mark Normand?

  Right. But this is a throwback. I mean, none of this is new. You had the pickpocket guy, the fake homeless kid, you know, the mom with the kid who looks sick, but they just get up and leave after.

• 32:20Sam Morril?

  Wait, that's a midget, that's not.

• 32:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you got the.

• 32:23Sam Morril?

  Pay up lady.

• 32:23Mark Normand?

  My basketball team needs uniforms, you got that kid. They're out there.

• 32:28Sam Morril?

  The basketball team, yeah. I'm a veteran and you're like.

• 32:31Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:32Sam Morril?

  You're like, you look, your age looks in between wars.

• 32:34Mark Normand?

  Right, yeah, what are you, Gulf War or what are we talking here?

• 32:39Mark Normand?

  The basketball kid, whenever you do that, ask the team name.

• 32:42Sam Morril?

  Ooh.

• 32:43Mark Normand?

  They always go, ah, the N-words, you know, they never have anything.

• 32:49Mark Normand?

  I don't get the, the character scam. Is that, oh, they take a photo and then they want money?

• 32:53Sam Morril?

  And then they want like 20 bucks.

• 32:54Mark Normand?

  Damn!

• 32:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 32:56Mark Normand?

  Boy, what a town.

• 32:58Sam Morril?

  They'll fuck, yeah, I remember as a kid, one time a guy just like yelled, my, he tried to like scam my mom. My mom was a city person too, so she just like walked by him and he goes, "Your mom's a rotten person, kid."

• 33:08Mark Normand?

  Whoa!

• 33:09Sam Morril?

  As a kid, you're like, "What the fuck?"

• 33:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 33:12Sam Morril?

  And my mom's like, "He's on drugs." I was like four.

• 33:15Mark Normand?

  Gee, I, I watched a guy spit on my dad once in a three car. Yeah, that, I was like, eight. That was heavy.

• 33:22Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 33:22Mark Normand?

  My dad just went, and that was it.

• 33:25Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 33:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it was a kid, it was like a 14-year-old. My dad was in a suit. Probably a racial thing, who knows?

• 33:31Sam Morril?

  Damn, that's fucking...

• 33:32Mark Normand?

  It was dark.

• 33:32Sam Morril?

  You don't wanna see that shit as a kid.

• 33:34Mark Normand?

  No.

• 33:35Sam Morril?

  Those are like those moments that kinda kill the innocence, where you're like...

• 33:37Mark Normand?

  Yes. One time we were at a K&B, which is like a, a Rite Aid, and, uh, I was playing a Street Fighter game at a grocery store. All my dad shopped or my mom shopped, and then this kid came up and he goes, "I bet you I can beat you." And I go, "Ah, I'll take it." He was like 17, and he beat me in like eight seconds, and I had to give him like a dollar.

• 34:00Sam Morril?

  Dude, uh, yeah, that's hustling for kids, I guess. You get older, it's like pool, but when you're a kid, like, Tekken?

• 34:05Mark Normand?

  That's true, yeah.

• 34:06Sam Morril?

  Dude, uh, I got a good movie rec for you, by the way. Sheath underwear, it's a new year, fellas, time to clean out that underwear drawer and restock with Sheath. I bet I'm wearing them right now, and... I am.

• 34:18Mark Normand?

  Hey, I bet I am too.

• 34:19Sam Morril?

  You rocking?

• 34:20Mark Normand?

  Look at that!

• 34:21Sam Morril?

  Look at that, Sheath. It's the best. The two pouch underwear, one pouch for your dick and one pouch for your balls. Sheath keeps everything in place and makes your package look great. It really does. My girlfriend loves this. Mark's wife loves it, and, you know, we swing. It's great. With a bunch of different styles and cuts for both men and women, Sheath has your whole gift list covered. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order, plus Sheath underwear's 100% money-back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath underwear, support the show, support your balls. He's a military vet, he's a good guy. And it's, it really is the only underwear I wear, so.

• 34:58Mark Normand?

  Same. All right. We might be drunk is brought to you by PrizePix. Okay, don't miss out on the last few weeks of football action. PrizePix is the place to win 1,000 times your money while watching the playoffs. Getting started is simple. Just pick more or less on two to six player stat projections and watch your winnings roll in. I love PrizePix. You gotta get on it. Make some real money. Do it from home. Do it from your phone and have fun doing it. Make the game more interesting. Make your PrizePix in less than sixty, sixty seconds and PrizePix now offers MasterCard for quick, easy deposits into your account. So you can turn your opinions into real money all season long with PrizePix. Click the link in our show notes

• 35:43Mark Normand?

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• 36:06Sam Morril?

  Shout out Adam Ega because he sent me the trailer.

• 36:09Mark Normand?

  Please.

• 36:09Sam Morril?

  Uh, it's called Lake George.

• 36:11Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 36:11Sam Morril?

  It's an indie, uh, it's like a, they shot it all for two million or so.

• 36:15Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 36:15Sam Morril?

  And it's a, it's a, I know you guys are gonna make fun of me. It's a neo noir.

• 36:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it is.

• 36:20Sam Morril?

  Fucking, it's great. It's a really good movie. Uh.

• 36:23Mark Normand?

  Is it like A Simple Plan?

• 36:25Sam Morril?

  Uh, it's, it kind of. It's a different type of, it, I love A Simple Plan. It's like a.

• 36:31Mark Normand?

  Ninety-five, wow.

• 36:32Sam Morril?

  It's really good, dude. And it's a, basically a guy, he, I'll give you the short version. He owes, this guy Shay Wingham is great.

• 36:42Mark Normand?

  Uh-huh.

• 36:43Sam Morril?

  And Kerry Coon is great. They're all good acting in it. But, uh, he owed, he's owed money from this gangster who's powerful. And you don't know why, like, he doesn't seem like he's the type of guy that would roll with them. And you're like, why is this guy? But he seems really down his luck. And he's like, I'll give you the money, but you gotta murder my wife.

• 36:58Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 36:59Sam Morril?

  And he's like, no way. And then they basically say, we'll kill you if you don't kill her.

• 37:03Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 37:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so Adamiga sends me the trailer. And he's like, I haven't seen this yet, but it looks awesome. And I end up watching it and text him, I go, I loved it. He writes back, alright, I'm watching it tonight. And then he wrote, my favorite movie of the year.

• 37:15Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 37:16Sam Morril?

  I think it's, I don't wanna oversell it, but I think it's just a good, simple. Like, sometimes when a movie has a smaller budget, you gotta get creative.

• 37:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:24Sam Morril?

  Beautiful scenic shots.

• 37:25Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 37:26Sam Morril?

  Whoever did the cinematography, it just looks so cool.

• 37:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:31Sam Morril?

  I mean, acting's great, and it's one of those noirs that's funny.

• 37:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love that.

• 37:35Sam Morril?

  But also dark.

• 37:37Mark Normand?

  I love these movies where it's just for the love of movie making. There's like, we gotta make a good movie. I don't care about the corporate bullshit or making a ton of money. We just wanna make a good movie and hope people watch it.

• 37:47Sam Morril?

  You know, exactly. And it's like, I feel like these are the type of movies they just don't make anymore.

• 37:51Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 37:52Sam Morril?

  Cause I feel like, we talk about this all like, man, what a great decade. We were so spoiled. That's why we love movies so much, is that we grew up in the 90s.

• 37:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:58Sam Morril?

  When, it was an amazing era.

• 38:02Mark Normand?

  Amazing. I mean, Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, Lion King, and Pulp Fiction came out in the same year.

• 38:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and Fargo maybe too, or maybe that was a year later.

• 38:10Mark Normand?

  Might've been a year later, yeah.

• 38:11Sam Morril?

  Like, yeah, Boogie Nights.

• 38:12Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 38:13Sam Morril?

  Fucking all these great 90s movies, you go on forever, but yeah, it's, it's fun, man.

• 38:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I mean, we were lucky, cause we grew up in a time where a good movie made a lot of money. So you were incentivized to make good movies. Now it's like, unless it's Avengers.

• 38:28Sam Morril?

  Oh dude, I read this thing recently that Netflix now, all these streamers are being, they're looking for scenes where you describe what you're doing as you're doing it. So people can watch while they're on their phone.

• 38:38Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 38:39Sam Morril?

  So that's like, imagine you're a screenwriter or a writer and you're like, oh, I gotta dumb my shit down this mu- It just sucks that that's, I understand like if you, but isn't that what like, reality TV already is?

• 38:49Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 38:50Sam Morril?

  Isn't there enough of that shit already?

• 38:52Mark Normand?

  It's horrible, yeah, it's scrollable watching. But I had a horrible idea the other day. You know, we do stand-up clips, when we put like, you make a joke about Stephen Hawking and you put a graphic of him? I was like, what if we did that with a whole special? And then I realized, what am I doing? I'm dumbing down the art form, you know? Now I'm putting in a Pokemon figure when I make a Pokemon joke? Cause I worry about the attention span of the audience? Fuck that, you catch up to us.

• 39:16Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 39:17Mark Normand?

  But I had that thought, and that's a scary thought.

• 39:19Sam Morril?

  I know, man. No, it's... You don't wanna... You don't wanna write for the algorithm.

• 39:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 39:25Sam Morril?

  Cause then it's like, it's kinda the same as just pandering.

• 39:28Mark Normand?

  Right!

• 39:28Sam Morril?

  It's almost like going on stage and being like, "I think gay marriage should be legal." And everyone's like, "Yeah, we agree." What?

• 39:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 39:34Sam Morril?

  So...

• 39:35Mark Normand?

  What a hero.

• 39:36Sam Morril?

  Writing for the algorithm is one of those things where you're like, "Fuck, this is where we're at." A lot of people are, you know?

• 39:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 39:41Sam Morril?

  I mean, on some level, we're already doing, like, doing that sometimes with topical shit, but at least that's our take on topical shit.

• 39:47Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 39:48Sam Morril?

  Like, when we were doing that roast, there were a couple topical stories they threw at us and we tried to write jokes for it, and we realized as we were telling them, we didn't care about them.

• 39:55Mark Normand?

  We don't care about Machine Gun Kelly.

• 39:56Sam Morril?

  We don't give a shit about Megan Fox. It just wasn't interesting to us, so we dropped those jokes.

• 40:01Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 40:01Sam Morril?

  And, it's funny, people listening are like, "You care about Stephen Hawking?" On Epstein Island, it's kinda funny.

• 40:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah!

• 40:07Sam Morril?

  I think it is.

• 40:07Mark Normand?

  That's an interesting angle.

• 40:08Sam Morril?

  P. Diddy, that was like an interesting story. That was, you know, Luigi, that was a crazy story. So those stories, we were like, "Let's fucking write jokes."

• 40:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, totally. And boy, we got a ton of great messages. We got tagged a lot and stuff. Great Goudsby. That was a hit! I was off. I was like, "I don't know about Goudsby."

• 40:26Sam Morril?

  Eli Sayers wrote that joke.

• 40:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I mean, every third comment is like, "Great Goudsby, great Goudsby."

• 40:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 40:32Mark Normand?

  So there you go. You gotta go to the good.

• 40:34Sam Morril?

  I mean, did they cut your Diddy joke? The one about... I think they cut one of... I didn't watch it, but I got tagged in some videos. I don't know if they cut it for the clip or something. But, your joke about, uh... Fuck, there was a Diddy joke, I think. The riff on Jeff. Did they cut that one? He looked like the guy who hands out baby oil at a Diddy party.

• 40:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, did they? That one kills.

• 40:54Sam Morril?

  That was like... I didn't see it in the clip.

• 40:56Mark Normand?

  I think you're right. I think they did cut it.

• 40:57Sam Morril?

  Cause we posted one, and I think... Fuck, that was like one of my...

• 41:00Mark Normand?

  Damn!

• 41:01Sam Morril?

  They cut two of my favorite jokes.

• 41:02Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 41:03Sam Morril?

  That was one that you said, cause he's wearing the white tux, Mark goes, "I just said the joke," but he looks like the guy who hands out baby oil at a Diddy party. He got crushed in the club.

• 41:11Mark Normand?

  Crushed!

• 41:12Sam Morril?

  And then I had one I loved about his cancer they cut, where it was, uh... "You look like a lump."

• 41:18Mark Normand?

  They cut the lump?

• 41:19Sam Morril?

  They cut the lump.

• 41:20Mark Normand?

  The lump killed!

• 41:21Sam Morril?

  "You look like a lump, and like a lump, women are terrified to find you in their shower."

• 41:24Mark Normand?

  Ahhh!

• 41:25Sam Morril?

  I was so proud when I...

• 41:27Mark Normand?

  You wrote that one.

• 41:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we wrote a few of them, but we did help, you know?

• 41:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we had help, but a couple we wrote, and that was a banger, and it was like a last-minute one, where you're like, "What's up with this?"

• 41:35Sam Morril?

  We had a week to do the set, so obviously we have help from great writers, and they're feeding us jokes. We're seeing if we can mold that into our voice. If it doesn't work for us, we're riffing with the writers.

• 41:44Mark Normand?

  Yep, yep.

• 41:45Sam Morril?

  We had, like, you know... I think we already mentioned this in the show, but people like, you know, Dickie Egan.

• 41:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 41:51Sam Morril?

  Mike Lawrence, Tank.

• 41:53Mark Normand?

  Beast.

• 41:53Sam Morril?

  Matt Broussard was helpful.

• 41:54Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 41:55Sam Morril?

  Eli just said.

• 41:55Mark Normand?

  Zach Amico.

• 41:56Sam Morril?

  Jesus Christ, he is relentless.

• 41:58Mark Normand?

  Killer. Great, great writer. I don't know why that guy's not hired. Oh, yeah.

• 42:02Sam Morril?

  That I use. JP McDay, great writer. A lot of great writers were helping us, so.

• 42:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:07Sam Morril?

  When you have a week to write a whole set. But we threw a couple bits in there.

• 42:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:10Sam Morril?

  They also cut some of that Stephen Hawking thing he did that I love.

• 42:12Mark Normand?

  Ah, man. That was pretty dark.

• 42:15Sam Morril?

  We went dark. But not as dark. I mean, shit, Tim came out as a dead CEO.

• 42:19Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 42:20Sam Morril?

  I thought it was hilarious, but I mean.

• 42:21Mark Normand?

  Very funny.

• 42:22Sam Morril?

  I saw the Post wrote it up. I was like, holy shit.

• 42:24Mark Normand?

  I know. I know. He made the news and his post was great. He just posted on Instagram and said, this is as tasteless as it looks like. Which is so true.

• 42:31Sam Morril?

  What sucks is I was in the background of a thing looking like this. I'm like, I was laughing. They got the one screenshot of me not laughing.

• 42:37Mark Normand?

  Ah, yeah.

• 42:39Sam Morril?

  But, uh, yeah, man, that was, that was crazy.

• 42:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah, got a lot of, I think no one knew it was coming. So people were like, what the fuck is this? And it took a day to kind of catch up to people where they're like, what the fuck is this torching? There was no publicity or anything, really.

• 42:53Sam Morril?

  Well, yeah, we were like the only ones who didn't get a write-up for doing something outrageous. We should have come out as, as if we came from the white party.

• 43:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:03Sam Morril?

  Top and a white linen over it. That would have been, but you know, whatever.

• 43:07Mark Normand?

  I thought about it, but yeah, he was wearing the tux, so I thought, hey, maybe we should look nice.

• 43:11Sam Morril?

  We look cooler, but it probably would have gotten more buzz.

• 43:14Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 43:14Sam Morril?

  But you know, it's, when are we ever gonna wear a smoking jacket again? It was kind of fun.

• 43:19Mark Normand?

  Good point. Yeah, the loose bow tie, always a good look. But yeah, it's out, we're done. People can watch it and we don't, we don't really, we didn't really burn any material, too bad.

• 43:30Sam Morril?

  I lost two, but I probably wasn't gonna use them in anything.

• 43:33Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 43:34Sam Morril?

  But then you say that, but then you're like, this Diddy story ain't going away. I could have, I could have kept that King and Justin one probably.

• 43:41Mark Normand?

  I bet you can still do it.

• 43:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah, maybe.

• 43:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 43:43Sam Morril?

  Epstein one, I don't think I was gonna use for anything else.

• 43:46Mark Normand?

  Well, there you go.

• 43:46Sam Morril?

  An old one. Look at Nate crushing, man.

• 43:49Mark Normand?

  Crushing! That, did you, that's beautiful. Get a click on that.

• 43:55Sam Morril?

  Is this his second one in the round?

• 43:56Mark Normand?

  I believe it is, and it's so pretty. It is a definite flex.

• 44:00Sam Morril?

  To do.

• 44:00Mark Normand?

  Look at that! I mean, that looks like a, it looks like the Super Bowl.

• 44:04Sam Morril?

  Did Mike Lavin direct this one as well?

• 44:06Mark Normand?

  Probably.

• 44:07Sam Morril?

  He's great.

• 44:08Mark Normand?

  I mean, that is.

• 44:08Sam Morril?

  Homeless pimp, if you don't know him. I mean, you probably know him from Chrissy D's. He used to be on Chris's podcast. He's directed a lot of specials.

• 44:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 44:15Sam Morril?

  And he does a terrific job.

• 44:17Mark Normand?

  That is really something. Boy, Nate, we were friends with like the America's Comic. He is like the guy right now.

• 44:23Sam Morril?

  Oh, man, I have all the memories of us, you know, drinking together back in the day.

• 44:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean Nate's always been a great dude and a great comic. I have this memory of him. We were doing a show one night at Caroline's and we all bombed. It was one of those, you know, like Caroline's present shows in Times Square. They bark in the worst audience you've ever played for.

• 44:43Mark Normand?

  Yep, yep.

• 44:44Sam Morril?

  But it was like a lineup, like looking back, you're like, man, these are like great comics on this, you know?

• 44:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 44:48Sam Morril?

  Joe Mackey, I don't know if you were on it or not, I think maybe Soda was on it. All these great comics.

• 44:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 44:55Sam Morril?

  And we all kinda bombed.

• 44:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:58Sam Morril?

  And they just wouldn't laugh. And Nate kinda bombed too.

• 45:01Mark Normand?

  Wow!

• 45:02Sam Morril?

  But he was the only one who didn't adapt. I mean, he didn't like feel like he had to. We all in some ways kind of were like trying to change gear.

• 45:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:11Sam Morril?

  And he was the only one who stayed true to who he was on stage. And over time, he started doing better and better. As all, we were all just kinda bombing.

• 45:19Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 45:19Sam Morril?

  And by the end, they could, you could tell they respected him, which is, it's pretty cool to be like, cause nothing feels worse than pandering and still bombing.

• 45:26Mark Normand?

  Yes. Whoa, tell me about it.

• 45:29Sam Morril?

  But yeah, I was like, man, this guy is. Maybe the most comfortable in his own skin and voice on stage that as like anyone.

• 45:37Mark Normand?

  Hundred percent. I mean, I would see him go on after like a high-energy black comic humping the stool and he would still get him. I mean, the guy, he, he knew how to, he doesn't show it. You, you can't see his moves, but he knew how to get an audience into his rhythm somehow, quick. And it's really impressive.

• 45:52Sam Morril?

  Cause it's so authentic and unique and uh, you know that's him. So when he's hot, it, it, they don't sound like jokes, but then you see, I, they posted one, I'm sure you could find it on Netflix. They posted maybe on Instagram or maybe it was on his, I saw it somewhere, but it's a joke and you see, you're like, oh, that's a joke.

• 46:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:10Sam Morril?

  But you don't realize he's telling you jokes. It's like the way you, you almost get mad. I feel like an audience who doesn't know him might be like, underestimating him.

• 46:19Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 46:20Sam Morril?

  Not realizing how, how smart the jokes are.

• 46:23Mark Normand?

  But maybe that's his point. Maybe he wants to, to lull you and then sneak attack.

• 46:28Sam Morril?

  I, I think it is.

• 46:29Mark Normand?

  I think it is too.

• 46:30Sam Morril?

  I think Burr does that to a degree too.

• 46:31Mark Normand?

  Yep, yep.

• 46:32Sam Morril?

  Where he'll like, he'll play dumb and then you're like, that's one of the smartest jokes I've ever heard.

• 46:36Mark Normand?

  That's so true.

• 46:37Sam Morril?

  What do I know? I'm a fucking comic. And I'm like, you know.

• 46:40Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 46:40Sam Morril?

  You know stuff.

• 46:41Mark Normand?

  Exactly. He's like, look folks, I don't read.

• 46:43Sam Morril?

  It was static. It wasn't like a video.

• 46:45Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 46:46Sam Morril?

  So it's probably on their Instagram or something.

• 46:48Mark Normand?

  Netflix or his?

• 46:49Sam Morril?

  I don't know. But I just saw it and I was like, that's a fucking joke.

• 46:53Mark Normand?

  Well, Norm always said, play dumb, be the dumb guy in the room. Even Norm's like reading Dostoevsky and shit, pretending to be an idiot.

• 47:00Sam Morril?

  But then, yeah, they'd fucking, no, is it, no, it's a still, it doesn't matter. It's probably.

• 47:06Sam Morril?

  Oh, look at you, Mark. Look at that mug.

• 47:07Mark Normand?

  Look at that dumb mug. There it is. We do laundry very differently. She'll read the labels and I'll wash a rug and a suit together. It's a great line.

• 47:16Sam Morril?

  It's a great line. It was a, it wasn't the one I was thinking of. It's another good one. Damn, is there another?

• 47:20Mark Normand?

  There it is.

• 47:21Sam Morril?

  There it is. There's one. I don't know anything about history and I can tell because every history movie I watch, I watch in the edge of my seat.

• 47:28Mark Normand?

  Gold.

• 47:28Sam Morril?

  That's, that was it. And that's like a joke where you're like, oh shit, that's like a perfectly written joke, but that's just so.

• 47:36Mark Normand?

  It's so conversational.

• 47:37Sam Morril?

  You could say that at a bar.

• 47:38Mark Normand?

  Yes. He had a great line that tagged to that as a, I watched Pearl Harbor. Man, I was surprised as they were. Such a great joke.

• 47:48Sam Morril?

  So good.

• 47:48Mark Normand?

  And it's so subtle, but it's so gold.

• 47:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's great.

• 47:52Mark Normand?

  Uh, there's Fat Tim and Fat Joe. This scene almost made me turn it off, right here.

• 47:56Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 47:57Mark Normand?

  This reveal. Ah, that is the worst white fucking hairless piece of shit ass I've ever seen. Oh, and I've seen Jeff's face. Oh my god, that guy does not have an inch of hair on his body, but uh...

• 48:13Sam Morril?

  It is interesting. You could put your fingers in your mouth or his butt and it would probably look the same.

• 48:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly. Yes. And both, something would come out on either. Oh, is this, uh, Happy Two? Alright, I feel, now we're just watching TV.

• 48:25Sam Morril?

  Now we're watching, sorry. We'll get back to having a conversation.

• 48:28Mark Normand?

  Uh, but yeah, Nate, killing it.

• 48:30Sam Morril?

  Killing it. Cool to see people that you just knew from back in the day just crushing.

• 48:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And it shows that the work pays. Oh yeah, Nicky did the Golden Globes. You heard you got advice from Gervais.

• 48:40Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 48:41Mark Normand?

  He had a great line. He goes, "One, you're not one of them, so don't try to fit in. Be you. Be a comic."

• 48:47Sam Morril?

  That's good.

• 48:48Mark Normand?

  Be biting. And two, just know when you go out there, they're not gonna shut up. They're all talking and kinda milling about and there's a bunch of shit going on. Don't let that get in your head.

• 48:55Sam Morril?

  That is a hell gig.

• 48:57Mark Normand?

  It's a hell gig. So...

• 48:58Sam Morril?

  She will look good doing it.

• 49:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, she'll kill it.

• 49:01Sam Morril?

  And she'll put the work in, like she knows...

• 49:02Mark Normand?

  Yes, she always does.

• 49:04Sam Morril?

  It, it, you gotta run this shit through the mud, dude.

• 49:07Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 49:08Sam Morril?

  Like, I, I feel like even for our thing, we had a week to do it. We were up every night.

• 49:12Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 49:13Sam Morril?

  Four or five times a night.

• 49:15Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah. Riding at lunch, riding on the flight, riding in the, in the clubs, in the back, tweaking.

• 49:21Sam Morril?

  And she's done roasts. She's done multiple roasts and she always kills, so you just, you know what you gotta do.

• 49:26Mark Normand?

  These are interesting too, cause we could fuck, we're talking about rape and Diddy and Stephen Hawking. You kinda have to clean it up on these, but she's gonna find a way to be biting still, which is, I think, one of her strong points.

• 49:38Sam Morril?

  It's like, man, I would love to do a clean one sometimes, just for the challenge.

• 49:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:43Sam Morril?

  Cause you still have to have, like, Nicky's gonna be edgy still. It's like when you see a good comic, like, look, 30 Rock was on NBC, but those are like biting jokes.

• 49:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love that show.

• 49:51Sam Morril?

  You know, like, Ryan Hamilton, if you have, if you don't know his comedy, great clean comic.

• 49:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 49:56Sam Morril?

  And he's got so, so many great clean comics.

• 49:58Mark Normand?

  Killer.

• 49:59Sam Morril?

  I mean, we're just, we're talking about Nate, you know, we're talking about, we've had Reagan on here, we've had Gaffigan on here.

• 50:03Mark Normand?

  Yes. I mean, Tom Papa.

• 50:06Sam Morril?

  Great.

• 50:06Mark Normand?

  Ryan Hamilton got hit by a bus. He's got 30 minutes on, it's all gold.

• 50:10Sam Morril?

  I know. It's funny, cause the comic part of my brain is like, wish I got hit by a bus. There is that fuck, obviously I don't, but there's like, fuck, I'm in a writing drought.

• 50:17Mark Normand?

  That's true, yeah, you need something to happen.

• 50:19Sam Morril?

  You need something to hap- you are waiting, but then also, it's on us too, cause comfort is like the enemy of creativity.

• 50:25Mark Normand?

  So true.

• 50:26Sam Morril?

  Moved into nicer places.

• 50:27Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 50:28Sam Morril?

  Years have gone good, and now I don't wanna, I have to have to force myself to leave. I used to like be excited to go on the road.

• 50:34Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 50:35Sam Morril?

  Hotels were so much nicer than my apartment.

• 50:36Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 50:37Sam Morril?

  And even shitty hotels.

• 50:38Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 50:39Sam Morril?

  You know, but then, you get comfortable at home, it has to still be a treat.

• 50:44Mark Normand?

  You know what you need.

• 50:45Sam Morril?

  What?

• 50:46Mark Normand?

  Cause we both have comfortable homes, you need a wife. Now I'm out again, now I'm like, alright, I gotta get out. That's the key.

• 50:52Sam Morril?

  And are you gonna have a kid coming on the way?

• 50:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, I'm never gonna be there.

• 50:55Sam Morril?

  But I do, I still am excited to go on the road, cause I do feel like, alright, I'm gonna get shit done.

• 51:00Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:01Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna work.

• 51:01Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 51:02Sam Morril?

  And that's exciting, knowing that I'll maybe get one new bit.

• 51:05Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's you, and you're like left alone, you can write, and like, no one's gonna bug ya, you don't have a podcast to do, you're just in that hotel room, in that coffee shop, working.

• 51:14Sam Morril?

  Can I, can I run a bit by you?

• 51:15Mark Normand?

  Please!

• 51:16Sam Morril?

  So this is just an idea, I don't know where the joke is perfectly, but I said it last night, it got something, I was like, alright, it needs more, but, you know, uh, talking about like healthcare in this country, like I'm not, obviously not defending what Luigi did.

• 51:27Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:27Sam Morril?

  Uh, but we all kinda get it.

• 51:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 51:29Sam Morril?

  Like protesting doesn't do shit.

• 51:31Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 51:32Sam Morril?

  So I, I'm not saying it's okay, but we all get like, even if you have insurance and you're getting ripped off, it takes what, we found someone in your network, you need a referral, it'll take six months, okay, I can buy a gun today. You know?

• 51:45Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 51:46Sam Morril?

  Some of that, so it's like, would you, like, at a certain point you get angry, I think that's the anger, that gotta pop, I'm like, there's something there, right?

• 51:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, maybe guns are easier to get than insurance, you know, like that's the whole meat of it. Like the guns, they do have a waiting period.

• 52:00Sam Morril?

  Some, not, not federally.

• 52:02Mark Normand?

  Oh really?

• 52:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I don't believe so. Uh, I think that used to be a thing.

• 52:07Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 52:08Sam Morril?

  Two guys who don't have guns talking about guns.

• 52:09Mark Normand?

  No, or healthcare.

• 52:12Sam Morril?

  But like, it is funny, it's easy, like, I wonder if more people have guns or healthcare? That's an interesting-

• 52:19Mark Normand?

  That's a good question. I guess if you have a gun, you don't need healthcare.

• 52:23Sam Morril?

  Federal law does not require a waiting period. From, yeah, alright.

• 52:28Mark Normand?

  Who's the first guy to walk into a hospital and they go, "Yeah, sit right there, sir, it'll be a couple hours," and he's like-

• 52:33Sam Morril?

  John Q?

• 52:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh yeah, John Q.

• 52:35Sam Morril?

  Connection there, but I feel people made that con- I'll, I'll noodle with that, but there was something there, when you get that first bite, I was riffing, I was like, alright, that laugh means something.

• 52:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, I like that, that's big, and talk about timely.

• 52:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, hopefully, it stays, I think that story's gonna stay relevant.

• 52:52Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, he's in the trial, that's all gonna keep coming up.

• 52:56Sam Morril?

  Nathan McIntosh had a good angle on it too, I've heard so many of the, just like, he's hot, and you're like, alright, he needs more.

• 53:01Mark Normand?

  Yes. Well, what's his angle?

• 53:03Sam Morril?

  I forgot it, but it's, it's probably on Instagram.

• 53:06Mark Normand?

  McIntosh, underrated.

• 53:07Sam Morril?

  He's fucking funny.

• 53:08Mark Normand?

  Good comic, always, unique takes and different angles.

• 53:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah-

• 53:14Mark Normand?

  Check him out.

• 53:14Sam Morril?

  On his Instagram, I think, or maybe Twitter or something, I don't know, but yeah, he's a funny guy.

• 53:19Mark Normand?

  Uh, is this anything? And this is, talk about a, a half-baked idea.

• 53:25Sam Morril?

  Oh, this is it. They offered $10,000, this is it, for information-

• 53:30Speaker 02

  On the killer, $10,000, a billion dollar company. Offer $10,000 for their CEO!

• 53:39Speaker 02

  That's like if somebody killed my mom and I offered you half a penny to find the killer.

• 53:43Mark Normand?

  Wait, I don't get it. I missed the beginning.

• 53:49Sam Morril?

  Cause they, he says that the company's worth billions, and they offered $10,000 to find the-

• 53:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, like, oh, I see, that's funny, that's hilarious.

• 53:58Sam Morril?

  Great angle, see, what was your bit?

• 54:00Mark Normand?

  That's great, the sweater's a problem, but a great bit. We love you Nate.

• 54:04Sam Morril?

  Good stuff.

• 54:05Mark Normand?

  Uh, is this stupid? I read some stat, it said women, 98% of women can't keep a secret. You know, like, that's like one of their flaws.

• 54:14Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 54:15Mark Normand?

  And I thought, that might be why there's so few female serial killers. It's not because they're better people, it's just because they're like, "Where were you on the night of 15?" She's like, "Well, alright, I killed four guys." They can't keep it in.

• 54:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we can gab and be quiet, you know, we can kill and be quiet. You feel, women murdering, you like need a gab about it.

• 54:32Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, you gotta gossip. And I thought the funny part could be, she's in the confession and she's like, "Well, I went out to kill this guy. Then I realized I needed milk. All they had was soy milk, there's a lot of sugar in soy milk." And the guy's like-

• 54:43Sam Morril?

  Get to it!

• 54:44Mark Normand?

  "Just kill me."

• 54:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, there's something funny too about like, you murder people and you just have, like, you just have to get it out.

• 54:51Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 54:52Sam Morril?

  Talking to a friend, they're like, "I met a guy the other night." "I met a guy too, what happened next?" "I shouldn't say."

• 54:58Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, come on, it's me!

• 55:01Sam Morril?

  There's something really funny about that. I didn't know where you were going.

• 55:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:05Sam Morril?

  Going CIA?

• 55:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, right, right, right.

• 55:08Sam Morril?

  Murder is funnier.

• 55:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, women can't keep a secret.

• 55:12Sam Morril?

  How many female serial killers have there been? Right, it's like-

• 55:15Mark Normand?

  It's very few.

• 55:16Sam Morril?

  Very few.

• 55:16Mark Normand?

  Especially famous ones. I know we got Monster.

• 55:19Sam Morril?

  Monster?

• 55:22Mark Normand?

  16%...

• 55:25Mark Normand?

  Wow, women only do 10% of the murder.

• 55:27Sam Morril?

  It's usually a domestic thing too, I think.

• 55:29Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 55:30Sam Morril?

  But like, that's the thing too, it's like, you know, look at Luigi, good-looking guy murders someone. Wernher, some monster, not exactly making my dick hard. You know?

• 55:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:40Sam Morril?

  Like, we're not standing outside, like, we'll be there when you get out.

• 55:43Mark Normand?

  Right. Well, if a girl's hot enough, she can get a guy to kill for him.

• 55:46Sam Morril?

  Ooh, look at that.

• 55:47Mark Normand?

  Wow!

• 55:49Sam Morril?

  That is amazing they got Charlize Theron to play her.

• 55:51Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 55:52Sam Morril?

  These are the casting people, they're like, "You wanna get someone who's maybe, you know, a good character actress?" They're like, "Nah, just UG up." "The hottest woman in the world."

• 55:59Mark Normand?

  What does it say about America, that we're like, "Okay, I wanna be taken seriously, I gotta be ugly."

• 56:06Mark Normand?

  She wants to be, win an Oscar. You can't win an Oscar if you're hot, "Oh, this lady's asking for it, look at this fucking knife."

• 56:11Sam Morril?

  You know who was pretty hot though? She was not a serial killer, but remember Jodi Arias?

• 56:15Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:16Sam Morril?

  She was, I had a bit about her back in the day about how her boyfriend, uh, she, she stabbed her boyfriend 30 times, shot him in the head and, uh, all because she broke, uh, he broke up with her.

• 56:27Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:27Sam Morril?

  And women are always like, why don't you be a man and break up with me in my face? And I'm like, that's why.

• 56:30Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 56:32Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna stick to text.

• 56:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she's kinda got a Boebert vibe.

• 56:35Sam Morril?

  She looks crazy.

• 56:36Mark Normand?

  She does. Nice lips. Damn, you broke up with her? Yeah. One time, uh, a friend of mine, he cheated on a girl and she was like, why didn't you just dump me? And he's like, well, I still wanna go out with you. I just wanted to fuck this other person. And she's like, well, just break up with me if you don't wanna fuck, if you wanna fuck other people. And he's like, but I always wanna fuck other people. That, that doesn't make sense.

• 56:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that is a tough thing. It's like-

• 56:59Mark Normand?

  It's a tough one.

• 57:01Sam Morril?

  I had another bit I was working on like that where it's like, my girlfriend asked if I wanted to fuck other people and I was like, of course. And, and she goes, like, what? And I was like, well, you don't wanna sleep with other guys? And she goes, no. And I was like, well, you're always commenting when a guy is attractive. And she goes, that doesn't mean I wanna sleep with him. And I was like, okay, well, that's fucking weird.

• 57:18Mark Normand?

  That's weird.

• 57:19Sam Morril?

  It's like, if I see a movie trailer and it looks amazing, I'm not like, man, that looks incredible for another man.

• 57:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:25Sam Morril?

  Not me.

• 57:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah, of course. It's like food. You wanna eat all the food. It looks good.

• 57:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's, I'm not saying I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying, this is what I want.

• 57:35Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 57:36Sam Morril?

  But then you have to, you really have to, it hurts the, they want honesty, but then, well, then don't ask questions that you know are gonna hurt your feelings.

• 57:42Mark Normand?

  I know. That's true.

• 57:44Sam Morril?

  No, I don't even look at anyone else. Of course we do.

• 57:47Mark Normand?

  That's why I never got that old, that's another thing with ladies I don't get is like the, the happy wife, happy life. Like, what is this, a dictator? I'm terrified of this woman. If she's not happy, my whole life is ruined. Like, some people aren't happy all the time. Like, why, this is on me now?

• 58:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 58:01Mark Normand?

  Suck up. Get your shit together.

• 58:02Sam Morril?

  That is a whip top. That's, that's also like kinda, yeah, it's like, it's like the old 90's sitcom.

• 58:08Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 58:10Sam Morril?

  We're like, oh, well, whatever you want, honey. I thought this was like a partnership.

• 58:13Mark Normand?

  I know, I know. What the hell? Happy wife, happy life. When I heard that, I was like, I'm never getting married.

• 58:19Sam Morril?

  Also, why, so my happiness is now dependent on her happiness?

• 58:22Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 58:23Sam Morril?

  I've dated people who have severe depression. It usually starts after they date me, but still. No, but that's insane.

• 58:30Mark Normand?

  It's insane. And you're treating him like a kid. It's like, oh, the toddler is unhappy, so she's screaming all day. You're like, well, get it together. If you're unhappy, suck it up. Go to work. Figure it out. Why is this on me?

• 58:41Sam Morril?

  That's fucking stupid.

• 58:43Mark Normand?

  It's stupid. It's a little misogynisty, too.

• 58:46Sam Morril?

  A little bit.

• 58:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 58:47Sam Morril?

  Because you're like, it's like fake ass kissery.

• 58:50Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 58:51Sam Morril?

  It's like those people that post the pictures with their wives all the time and you know they're miserable.

• 58:55Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 58:55Sam Morril?

  We all know those couples that they're like hanging on by a thread.

• 58:58Mark Normand?

  Overcompensate.

• 58:58Sam Morril?

  And they're doing the posts because they're like, no, we're good. See, I'm showing you that I'm not gonna leave because I'm showing the world that you're mine. But it's like, yeah, but...

• 59:07Mark Normand?

  Say, hand in hand with the people who spend eight million dollars on a wedding. They get an elephant and they get like a three ring circus and all these guys doing the fire and the crazy food and the band. And then they break up in a year. You know?

• 59:20Sam Morril?

  Oh, God.

• 59:21Mark Normand?

  Because they put the love into the wedding. They don't put the love into each other.

• 59:24Sam Morril?

  It's showy.

• 59:25Mark Normand?

  It's showy.

• 59:25Sam Morril?

  It's not real. It's like, you're not, if you felt secure in it, you wouldn't have to do all this.

• 59:29Mark Normand?

  Right, right. It's the guy who's like, I love pussy. Like, no straight guy talks like that.

• 59:38Sam Morril?

  It is kind of like a gay dude who is acting how they think straight dudes do. Hanging around like, man, you know what fucking rocks? Pussy, dude. Love pussy so much.

• 59:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 59:48Sam Morril?

  It's like, do you?

• 59:49Mark Normand?

  Remember that, uh, that

• 59:50Sam Morril?

  Fine if you don't.

• 59:51Mark Normand?

  Forty year old virgin, he's like, oh, tits, yeah. Oh, it's like a bag of sand.

• 59:56Sam Morril?

  Although fake tits can feel like a bag of sand.

• 59:58Mark Normand?

  That's true. That's true.

• 59:59Sam Morril?

  Ever touched it when they don't move at all and you're like, that's fucking, I mean, they look better than they feel.

• 1:00:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:00:05Sam Morril?

  They look amazing, but then you touch them and you're like, it's a little too hard.

• 1:00:07Mark Normand?

  Boy, ain't that the truth. That is true.

• 1:00:10Sam Morril?

  Sometimes they get a little too floppy. You want that middle ground.

• 1:00:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's true.

• 1:00:14Sam Morril?

  It's like pizza. You don't want it to just be like totally stiff and you don't want too much flop.

• 1:00:17Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:00:18Sam Morril?

  You want in the middle a little bit.

• 1:00:19Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:00:20Sam Morril?

  Like a hint of flop.

• 1:00:21Mark Normand?

  Hint of flop. And like a pizza, I dab it first.

• 1:00:25Sam Morril?

  Then I stick my face in it.

• 1:00:28Sam Morril?

  Sorry about that one, guys.

• 1:00:29Mark Normand?

  I love, uh, my wife's got huge cans. I love trying to get them both in my hand. That's a fun move, you know, you try to just finagle.

• 1:00:37Sam Morril?

  And they're even bigger now because of the-

• 1:00:38Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:00:39Sam Morril?

  Are you bummed that they're gonna lose a- I mean, they're already-

• 1:00:42Mark Normand?

  Well, they were already huge and now they're like, like, crazy huge, so I'm fine with back to huge.

• 1:00:47Sam Morril?

  Is it fun having sex with a pregnant woman?

• 1:00:50Mark Normand?

  I don't know about fun, but it's, uh, it's different. It's definitely, you gotta maneuver more. Like, the other night I got too into it, you know, you just kinda go nuts during sex, and I was on top, and she was like, "What are you doing? Uh, you're squishing the baby." And I was like, "Oh, jeez, you're right." I was just like, on top or like missionary with a fucking pregnant belly, and I didn't even realize it because I was so keyed up, you know?

• 1:01:12Sam Morril?

  It's even worse in six months if you're fucking her. She's like, "You're squishing the baby."

• 1:01:18Mark Normand?

  By the way, I got this one the other night. Uh, there's a big difference between pull my hair and you're on my hair. Isn't that weird? Like, I had an elbow on the hair and she was like, "Ah!" But then if I pull the hair, she's like, "Ooh." I'm like, "Well, what's the difference? Pull the hair the way-" Yeah, it's gotta be on purpose.

• 1:01:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's funny.

• 1:01:34Mark Normand?

  You're on my hair, you're pulling my hair.

• 1:01:36Sam Morril?

  Damn, that's crazy you're gonna have a kid so soon.

• 1:01:39Mark Normand?

  I know. It's like 25 days.

• 1:01:41Sam Morril?

  Oh my god. That's amazing though, man.

• 1:01:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's exciting.

• 1:01:44Sam Morril?

  You got the setup for it now, you're built for it, you got the foundation.

• 1:01:47Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, very exciting. And what's nice is when the kid comes out, we can stop talking about the pregnancy. All I hear is pregnancies.

• 1:01:54Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 1:01:55Mark Normand?

  And I get it, it's a big deal and she's, she's going through a lot, but it's, uh, you know, it's a lot of-

• 1:02:00Sam Morril?

  Cool shoes.

• 1:02:01Mark Normand?

  Oh, thank you. These were a Christmas gift.

• 1:02:02Sam Morril?

  New Balance. You're like, you're like the New Balance guy.

• 1:02:05Mark Normand?

  I love New Balance. I've, I got, I walk everywhere, so I need a comfortable shoe.

• 1:02:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they look comfy.

• 1:02:11Mark Normand?

  What do you think? Are they, it's kind of a throwback.

• 1:02:14Sam Morril?

  That's why I like them.

• 1:02:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, me too. 550. They're a little too white right now.

• 1:02:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but you'll, you'll dirty them up.

• 1:02:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah, this city'll do it. By the way, what's going on? It's like 60 degrees outside.

• 1:02:24Sam Morril?

  I know, what the hell?

• 1:02:25Mark Normand?

  I don't know, this, at least we got a touch of snow.

• 1:02:27Sam Morril?

  I got that cold plunge turned into a block of ice outside.

• 1:02:30Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:02:31Sam Morril?

  It's busted. Uh, are we still getting those new ones?

• 1:02:34Mark Normand?

  Ooh!

• 1:02:35Sam Morril?

  I need a new one. I think it's, I think I got, it all melted today.

• 1:02:38Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:02:38Sam Morril?

  And I, I, uh-

• 1:02:40Mark Normand?

  Is it leaking?

• 1:02:41Sam Morril?

  No, it's not leaking, but the thing- Thing won't turn on anymore. Yeah, fifty-six. Look at that.

• 1:02:46Mark Normand?

  Fifty-six!

• 1:02:47Sam Morril?

  I usually have a little, I have a jacket for a little.

• 1:02:49Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:50Sam Morril?

  Dude, she's so, her dementia is getting so insane that.

• 1:02:53Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:02:54Sam Morril?

  I mean, it's kinda funny. I'll just, you know, she's in such deep sleeps all the time, so I have to like wake her up if I'm gonna take her out to pee and stuff. So I have to be like very gentle with her, you know?

• 1:03:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:03Sam Morril?

  And then she'll like turn around like and give me a look like, "Who the fuck are you?"

• 1:03:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:03:07Sam Morril?

  And then just attack.

• 1:03:08Mark Normand?

  Whoa!

• 1:03:09Sam Morril?

  I mean, I don't wanna tempt her here, but she, you know, you have to really get her up.

• 1:03:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:14Sam Morril?

  But her attacking is hilarious, cuz she's fucking nine pounds.

• 1:03:17Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:03:18Sam Morril?

  She's just like, "Ah!" I'm like, "Yeah, it's not scary."

• 1:03:20Mark Normand?

  What about the bite? Is the bite hard?

• 1:03:22Sam Morril?

  She's got four teeth.

• 1:03:23Mark Normand?

  Okay, you're fine.

• 1:03:24Sam Morril?

  If, every once in a while, I get like the two teeth that work. I'm like, "That didn't feel great, but..."

• 1:03:28Mark Normand?

  You're basically living with a meth head. Two teeth and turn on you at any moment, you know?

• 1:03:36Mark Normand?

  Wow, that's crazy.

• 1:03:37Sam Morril?

  She is a little meth head.

• 1:03:38Mark Normand?

  My ex-girlfriend had a chihuahua. It was the most cunty, annoying dog, yappy little chihuahua.

• 1:03:44Sam Morril?

  She's got like one-fourth chihuahua.

• 1:03:46Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:03:47Sam Morril?

  That's why she's like, they're the cuntiest dogs ever.

• 1:03:48Mark Normand?

  Such a cunt, but the crazy thing about the dog is, I would, we had like a weird tumultuous relationship, love-hate. Sometimes she'd be like, "This is great, we're hanging out, I got her like a baby," and she's licking my chin, great. And then sometimes I would be nervous to pick her up and she could feel it. And then she would snap. She was like, "Maaah!" And I would drop the, the dog.

• 1:04:08Sam Morril?

  Oh, she's back.

• 1:04:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, there we go.

• 1:04:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, dude, those dogs are, there's a trainer at this gym I go to and he'll just like, he'll just, he's this jack guy just walking around all cocky and his chihuahua just follows him everywhere. Just the funniest thing to see a huge guy with a dog this big.

• 1:04:21Mark Normand?

  That's true, yeah.

• 1:04:22Sam Morril?

  And the dog picks, like, they pick up on your personality, so the dog is kinda cocky and.

• 1:04:26Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 1:04:26Sam Morril?

  Well, I'm like, "No, this is, this is not."

• 1:04:28Mark Normand?

  That's adorable. Yeah, you got a method. You're gonna come home, this thing's gonna be taking apart a vacuum cleaner.

• 1:04:32Sam Morril?

  Dude, she, last time I brought her in here, she had some fucking bad diarrhea. She was diarrheaing all over the street.

• 1:04:38Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:04:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but she's all right now.

• 1:04:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:41Sam Morril?

  I just wanna make sure, she's so old, you just wanna make sure she's all right, you know? But, that's funny, her face is so funny. She just cheers people up. I saw this grumpy-looking guy in the street and he looked down at Winnie's face and just, and he just smiled.

• 1:04:51Mark Normand?

  Ha!

• 1:04:51Sam Morril?

  Like, that is the, the power of a cute little pup.

• 1:04:53Mark Normand?

  That's the tongue. That tongue, it gets you every time.

• 1:04:56Sam Morril?

  You got that cat. Dude, a sweet cat, man. It's a nice animal at home.

• 1:05:01Mark Normand?

  Huge. A home needs an animal. Like, we were just in her in-laws and there's no animals around and you're like, this is kinda boring. There's no energy in the house.

• 1:05:09Sam Morril?

  It's nice to have a creature roaming around.

• 1:05:11Mark Normand?

  It is.

• 1:05:11Sam Morril?

  The only thing is you gotta get like a Roomba or something. That hair is fucking everywhere.

• 1:05:14Mark Normand?

  Ah, we just got a Roomba.

• 1:05:16Sam Morril?

  It's crazy, right?

• 1:05:17Mark Normand?

  It's crazy, the amount of hair, but I don't love the Roomba. I got a beef with it.

• 1:05:21Sam Morril?

  Cause you got stairs now.

• 1:05:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but it's not picking. I watch it go over a, you know, a paperclip and it won't pick it up.

• 1:05:28Sam Morril?

  You need like a Mexican Roomba. You need one that works harder.

• 1:05:31Mark Normand?

  Yes, a Roomba. That's what I need.

• 1:05:35Sam Morril?

  Dude, I don't even have one, but I've been told to get one, but I've heard that they, they, it's like crazy, the technology, cause they learn the pattern of your home.

• 1:05:44Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:05:45Sam Morril?

  So they, so they, you know, first they're kinda figuring it out, but then they just kinda know where to go. I'm like, that's crazy.

• 1:05:49Mark Normand?

  That's impressive.

• 1:05:50Sam Morril?

  And they know when to charge, so it just goes back.

• 1:05:52Mark Normand?

  Yes, it goes back to the home.

• 1:05:54Sam Morril?

  It is cool technology.

• 1:05:55Mark Normand?

  It is. It is fun. And it's, you feel like you're doing something. I'm watching TV with the Roomba on and I'm like, I'm cleaning, you know?

• 1:06:01Sam Morril?

  Well, and they have a mop version now, too.

• 1:06:04Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:06:05Sam Morril?

  I don't know if it works as well, but they have a mop. I'm looking into it. I'm like, this is cool.

• 1:06:09Mark Normand?

  I would get one. I mean, I have one. They're, they're pretty nice, but I do think it could be better at picking shit up.

• 1:06:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, well, it's just hard now that you got the multiple floors.

• 1:06:17Mark Normand?

  I know. That's how you know it's not Mexican. It stops at the border. It doesn't go to the other rooms. But it's pretty impressive. Like, it'll hit the stairs, like, and the stairs are just going down and it stops. So it's, it definitely is good at scanning.

• 1:06:30Sam Morril?

  Dude, um.

• 1:06:30Mark Normand?

  Wow, the mopping. That's incredible.

• 1:06:32Sam Morril?

  I watched, I, I, I was talking to Salakus, who's not here today, and, you know, he, he's a great movie guy. He's always.

• 1:06:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:42Sam Morril?

  You ever see Brian De Palma's body double?

• 1:06:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's been a while, but I've seen it.

• 1:06:46Sam Morril?

  It's like Rear Window meets Vertigo.

• 1:06:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:50Sam Morril?

  But just kinda pornographic.

• 1:06:52Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 1:06:53Sam Morril?

  It's insane.

• 1:06:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, Melanie Griffith, whatever happened to her? She was hot.

• 1:06:56Sam Morril?

  I mean, yeah, she's, she's like the hot chick in so many movies.

• 1:06:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:59Sam Morril?

  Her daughter is that actress Dakota Johnson.

• 1:07:03Mark Normand?

  What? Oh, yeah, with Don Johnson.

• 1:07:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah, she's, dude, another great one with her, Something Wild, if you've never s- this one, I, I can't give it a full rec because it's too weird. I like it a lot, but I, I can't give it the rec to our, Lake George is my rec for the week.

• 1:07:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:16Sam Morril?

  But man, it's fucking, I thought it was fun as hell. My girlfriend hated it.

• 1:07:19Mark Normand?

  Ah, it does look super weird.

• 1:07:21Sam Morril?

  It's weird as fuck, but I just, it's just fun. It's like eighties in this crazy way. I don't know.

• 1:07:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:27Sam Morril?

  And De Palma's so fucking, his movies are always fun, man.

• 1:07:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:07:30Sam Morril?

  But, uh, yeah, he, I was texting Sal Keeson, of course, he fucking was like, "That's one of my favorites."

• 1:07:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, of course.

• 1:07:37Sam Morril?

  She, you ever see Something Wild with her? That's a great.

• 1:07:39Mark Normand?

  No, never heard of it.

• 1:07:40Sam Morril?

  Uh, that's a, that's a underrated one. Leota's incredible in it.

• 1:07:44Mark Normand?

  Something Wild. Oh, oh, yeah, I remember this.

• 1:07:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's really good.

• 1:07:49Mark Normand?

  Jeff Daniels, how about, uh, Milk Money?

• 1:07:52Sam Morril?

  Never saw that one, but that was, was that her tits?

• 1:07:54Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:07:55Sam Morril?

  Those movies were her tits.

• 1:07:56Mark Normand?

  Ed Harris, yeah.

• 1:07:57Sam Morril?

  I think I had a friend who like, when we were like 13, he was like, "That's in my jerk rotation."

• 1:08:02Mark Normand?

  I'm sure you can find the tits if you really do some, uh, finagling there, Peters.

• 1:08:06Sam Morril?

  And Sal Keeson would've had it bookmarked already.

• 1:08:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:08:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, she was just sexy in so many movies.

• 1:08:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, come on. I think, oh, my lord. Milk Money.

• 1:08:20Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 1:08:21Mark Normand?

  Those are real.

• 1:08:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah, looks, great body.

• 1:08:24Mark Normand?

  Great body, nice face, good head of hair.

• 1:08:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah, pretty lady.

• 1:08:29Mark Normand?

  Yep. I think she was banging Antonio Banderas for a while.

• 1:08:33Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I think they were together. She's in another one with Harrison Ford that's supposed to be good. I didn't see it, but I forgot the movie's name.

• 1:08:38Mark Normand?

  She was kinda like a trashier Meg Ryan.

• 1:08:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:42Mark Normand?

  You know?

• 1:08:42Sam Morril?

  A little more like Meg Ryan, but she'll, she'll show some, she'll show some clam.

• 1:08:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, more sex appeal than, Meg Ryan's a little more girl next door.

• 1:08:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, hers would be called, "You've Got Male Genitalia All Over You." There we go.

• 1:08:55Mark Normand?

  Count it.

• 1:08:57Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 1:08:57Sam Morril?

  Night Moves she's in? That's a fucking great movie.

• 1:09:01Mark Normand?

  I don't know, no, Hackman?

• 1:09:02Sam Morril?

  That's a great fucking, dude, Arthur Penn directed it, who did Bonnie and Clyde.

• 1:09:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:09:07Sam Morril?

  It's awesome.

• 1:09:07Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 1:09:08Sam Morril?

  Awesome movie.

• 1:09:09Mark Normand?

  I'll check, we're getting some good movies today.

• 1:09:11Sam Morril?

  Lot of movie, I mean, look, it's the holidays, not doing shit. I'm doing sets at the cellar, but these holiday crowds are taking years off my life.

• 1:09:16Mark Normand?

  Oh dude, I did three last night, it was drunks, top to bottom.

• 1:09:20Sam Morril?

  I did a 6pm show, this woman is so fucking hammered, and I gotta say, she looked great, I thought she was like in her 30s. I was, she was like, oh, we've been, we've been married 40 years, or something like 40 years, and I was like, 40 years?

• 1:09:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:32Sam Morril?

  How old are you? She goes 62, couldn't believe it, looked incredible.

• 1:09:35Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:09:36Sam Morril?

  He looked old as shit.

• 1:09:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:38Sam Morril?

  But she looked...

• 1:09:39Mark Normand?

  Wow, good for him.

• 1:09:40Sam Morril?

  Good for him, man.

• 1:09:41Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:09:41Sam Morril?

  She was hammered, so not entirely good for him.

• 1:09:43Mark Normand?

  There's something about this, between Christmas and New Year's, there's this weird, uh, limbo of, of the year, and everybody's getting fucked up and fat and...

• 1:09:52Sam Morril?

  Cause they're around family.

• 1:09:54Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:09:55Sam Morril?

  The Christmas to New Year's week has gotta be one of the hardest drinking weeks of the year because

• 1:09:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:59Sam Morril?

  You're around family, think about who you are when your family shows up, I love them, but they say one wrong thing that triggers some childhood thing, and I'm like, where the fuck is the scotch?

• 1:10:07Mark Normand?

  Yes, totally. Scotch and cookies, I need some vice, give me every vice you got.

• 1:10:13Sam Morril?

  Trying to numb yourself.

• 1:10:14Mark Normand?

  I know, it's so true.

• 1:10:15Sam Morril?

  Dude, when we were at the roast, and we were just there for four hours on thing, I remember when we were like, they brought us the scotch at like three hours, and then we just downed it.

• 1:10:23Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:10:24Sam Morril?

  Or, or bodega cat, whatever they brought us, and then we're like, alright, we need more, and Miss Pat's like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? And we're like, you realize, oh shit, that looks crazy.

• 1:10:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:32Sam Morril?

  She doesn't drink.

• 1:10:33Mark Normand?

  True.

• 1:10:33Sam Morril?

  But you're like, no, we just need to get fucking ham, it sounds worse the more you say it. No, we just need to blackout to forget this night.

• 1:10:39Mark Normand?

  Well, we worked our balls off for like a full week, you know, going to bed at midnight, waking up at nine, going to breakfast, writing all day, doing sets all night. All we were, I had like jokes on the brain, it was like fucking Good Will Hunting.

• 1:10:51Sam Morril?

  You wanna shut down.

• 1:10:51Mark Normand?

  You wanna shut down?

• 1:10:52Sam Morril?

  It's like a computer that's been on for a week.

• 1:10:54Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:10:55Sam Morril?

  You just wanna shut it down.

• 1:10:56Mark Normand?

  Put the sleep on.

• 1:10:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:59Mark Normand?

  Oh god.

• 1:10:59Sam Morril?

  Oh boy.

• 1:11:00Mark Normand?

  Tik Tok. I threw it up on Tik Tok.

• 1:11:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, my guy does the Tik Tocks. I hate TikTok, man.

• 1:11:07Mark Normand?

  I don't even, I post and I get the hell out of there. I don't even watch it.

• 1:11:10Sam Morril?

  I hate it.

• 1:11:11Mark Normand?

  I will say, young people are really good with TikTok.

• 1:11:14Sam Morril?

  That's why you gotta do them all.

• 1:11:15Mark Normand?

  I know, but my lady, we'll be, we'll be in Barcelona and I'm like, what should we do today? And she's like, hold on. And she'll TikTok it and it's like, top 10 things and they're all great.

• 1:11:24Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:11:25Mark Normand?

  So, yeah, TikTok is good. Young people know how to work it. I'm, I'm too old and gay.

• 1:11:32Mark Normand?

  No, don't pull up Stamos.

• 1:11:36Mark Normand?

  I'm so glad you were there, Peters, because you got to see, you know what the hell we're talking about.

• 1:11:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you got to see how the sausage is made. Not a, not a, not as fun as it sounds.

• 1:11:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:45Sam Morril?

  I guess watching a sausage get made doesn't sound that fun. It's a strange expression.

• 1:11:49Mark Normand?

  That's true. That is true.

• 1:11:52Sam Morril?

  Damn, I've been rewatching some Bourdain before bed, too.

• 1:11:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love it.

• 1:11:56Sam Morril?

  Great, great before bed show.

• 1:11:57Mark Normand?

  Great to just have on. That's like my go-to to have on while I'm fucking with a Roomba.

• 1:12:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah, love a Roomba. Yeah, any, any peeves?

• 1:12:06Mark Normand?

  Well, let's see. I had the one about the, the den law dad doing like, the pipes are a little off here. Oh, that's, that's shaky. So I had to like go through the house with him, but he was taking notes.

• 1:12:15Sam Morril?

  That, I, I had a guy do that at my place recently. It drove me nuts.

• 1:12:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:19Sam Morril?

  Where he was just kind of dissecting what's wrong with each room. And I was like, it was like my friend's friend. I was like, I don't even know you.

• 1:12:23Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 1:12:24Sam Morril?

  It's insane.

• 1:12:24Mark Normand?

  And he goes, you're writing this down? I was like, yeah, yeah. And then after a while, he's like, you getting all this? And I'm thinking in my head, like, once you leave, I'm never gonna think about this again. Like, I know this is the biggest thing in your world right now, but I'm never gonna fix any of this.

• 1:12:38Sam Morril?

  That's the hard thing is understanding people's love languages where you're like, well, this is not, he probably thinks he's being really helpful.

• 1:12:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:44Sam Morril?

  And that's how he's showing affection to you. Is you're like, this is what you need, but you're like, no, this is just annoying.

• 1:12:50Mark Normand?

  I know. What, what is, what is your love language? Cause I don't even know if I have one.

• 1:12:54Sam Morril?

  Um, probably food and experiences and stuff like all like. Yeah, we'll get like good meals and stuff, like making sure you're like, oh, we should eat this at this place or something.

• 1:13:02Mark Normand?

  But I think there's five of them to choose from and you gotta pick one.

• 1:13:05Sam Morril?

  Well, that doesn't, if that's not there, I might not have a love language.

• 1:13:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, I think we all have to have one, right? Like, give, give, give me the list of them, cause it's like touch.

• 1:13:13Sam Morril?

  My girlfriend is buying me shit and it, and it, you know. When you live in Manhattan, people giving you gifts begins to get annoying because there's a lack of space.

• 1:13:21Mark Normand?

  Yes, exactly. But that's her love language to you? Or that's how she feel? Like, how does she feel loved?

• 1:13:29Sam Morril?

  Oh, that's interesting.

• 1:13:31Mark Normand?

  Okay, there we go. Words of affirmation, compliments.

• 1:13:34Sam Morril?

  Compliments and other ways to express. See, that's funny that that's, because I've dated girls who are like, well, you're all talk.

• 1:13:39Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 1:13:40Sam Morril?

  Because some people say, oh, wow, I feel loved. But that does, at a certain point, you can't be like, you're beautiful, baby. They're like, shut up.

• 1:13:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true. Okay, quality time, spending time together. I think a lot of ladies have that one.

• 1:13:54Sam Morril?

  Prioritizing eye contact and active listening.

• 1:13:56Mark Normand?

  Ugh.

• 1:13:57Sam Morril?

  That's a tough one.

• 1:13:58Mark Normand?

  Tough.

• 1:13:58Sam Morril?

  Because some of you ladies are gabbers.

• 1:14:01Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:14:02Sam Morril?

  And I can listen to a certain point, but I'll tell you this, I have friends going on dates all the time still, and I have a friend go, I went on a date with, you know, they don't ask you a thing about you.

• 1:14:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:12Sam Morril?

  Weird.

• 1:14:12Mark Normand?

  That happens.

• 1:14:13Sam Morril?

  Maybe that's young people. I don't know.

• 1:14:15Mark Normand?

  That's a type.

• 1:14:16Sam Morril?

  Maybe he's just picking out vapid people.

• 1:14:18Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:14:19Sam Morril?

  Physical touch, intimacy, and acts of affection, like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. I feel like that's probably a lot of peoples.

• 1:14:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:26Sam Morril?

  That's my penis's love language.

• 1:14:29Mark Normand?

  Well, my friend has that. He's a big tough guy, but physical touch, he goes and gets massages and stuff just because he's like, I feel lonely. Not even because I want to feel massaged, I just want to be touched.

• 1:14:39Sam Morril?

  Interesting.

• 1:14:40Mark Normand?

  Which I don't have that at all.

• 1:14:41Sam Morril?

  You shouldn't tell that to the masseuse.

• 1:14:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:43Sam Morril?

  I'm lonely and sad.

• 1:14:45Mark Normand?

  Touch me, it's my love language. Acts of service, doing things to make you proud, that's big.

• 1:14:51Sam Morril?

  Chores, cooking. Well, that's like the show me, don't tell me.

• 1:14:54Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:14:55Sam Morril?

  So that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. Like, I'm gonna do this for you, or instead, I did this for you.

• 1:15:02Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes. Receiving gifts, we already discussed, that's not it. So which one are you, you think?

• 1:15:08Sam Morril?

  Probably doing, I would probably, I'm not great with chores, I'll be honest. I'm a slob, but it's my place.

• 1:15:17Sam Morril?

  Probably physical touch.

• 1:15:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:15:20Sam Morril?

  Like, that's what I do for them.

• 1:15:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 1:15:23Sam Morril?

  I'll eat your pussy.

• 1:15:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:15:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, I don't know. Yeah, physical touch, acts of service, probably. Quality time. I think those are like a little bit of each, probably. How about you?

• 1:15:32Mark Normand?

  I'm probably service all the way. Time, I don't want to hang out. Words of affirmation, I'll talk.

• 1:15:39Sam Morril?

  I'll be in the room with you, but I do have my noise-canceling headphones on. I'm trying to work a lot.

• 1:15:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:44Sam Morril?

  I'll be watching like some shitty show I don't want to watch.

• 1:15:46Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:15:46Sam Morril?

  And I just put on the headphones and I just play in jazz and I'm just trying to read articles and trying to write usually.

• 1:15:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. But I don't know if that's quality time.

• 1:15:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but we're in the room. I'm trying to, I want to be around, but I just, Patrice had that great bit.

• 1:15:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:59Sam Morril?

  We want you around, but we don't want you.

• 1:16:01Mark Normand?

  We don't want you there, or whatever.

• 1:16:03Sam Morril?

  I think that's how a lot of comics feel.

• 1:16:05Mark Normand?

  A hundred percent, yeah. I posted a clip today that's blowing up. It's going viral about how like, men don't want to do anything. You know, women are like, we want to go to brunch and apple picking and men, we don't want to do it. And women are always like, men are horrible planners. I'm like, well, we just don't want to do that.

• 1:16:20Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 1:16:20Mark Normand?

  So now you want me to plan a thing I don't even want to do. You know, like, if I want to go to the Super Bowl, I'll make a plan. I'll get there.

• 1:16:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it is fun, like, finding common interests and just doing that. Otherwise, it's like, well, then, I'm doing you a favor.

• 1:16:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and paying, by the way.

• 1:16:36Sam Morril?

  Exactly. Dude, I, I mean, I've dated a lot of women who don't like sports, so I'd be like buying both tickets to the game. And they'd be miserable the whole time. Like, I could have just brought my friend who would have loved this.

• 1:16:46Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 1:16:47Sam Morril?

  And, uh...

• 1:16:47Mark Normand?

  I'd have a way better time.

• 1:16:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah. I'm like, we could do other stuff that you like.

• 1:16:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:51Sam Morril?

  But then, sometimes there are people out there, they don't have a lot of interests.

• 1:16:54Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:16:55Sam Morril?

  They just don't like anything.

• 1:16:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:56Sam Morril?

  I've dated people, I'm like, what do you like? And they're like, I don't know.

• 1:16:59Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:17:00Sam Morril?

  Like, what, how do you live that way?

• 1:17:01Mark Normand?

  I know. Aren't you curious? Like, nothing grabs you. No movie, no music, no food, no geography, no trips, nothing?

• 1:17:09Sam Morril?

  Nothing.

• 1:17:10Mark Normand?

  That's crazy.

• 1:17:11Sam Morril?

  But, you know, you make a good point. Like, apple picking is, like, that's like...

• 1:17:16Mark Normand?

  That's work.

• 1:17:16Sam Morril?

  It's a corny suggestion.

• 1:17:18Mark Normand?

  Corny. I mean, I'm generalizing and throwing out a cliche, just, just for argument's sake, but, yeah, there's a lot of like, jazz brunch, or, uh, the, doing a pumpkin patch in the park. I'm like, ah, you go.

• 1:17:31Sam Morril?

  I think I've seen this clip of you before where you, where you, is it like on a podcast?

• 1:17:35Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:17:35Sam Morril?

  Cause, yeah, cause it's... I've seen this and you're like annoyed and you're like I got home at uh.

• 1:17:40Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's it, that's it.

• 1:17:42Sam Morril?

  Dude, I relate to this so much too. I mean, especially as comics where you're like, you don't want to get up. I'd have like, you know, my parents would be like, your sister's having a dinner Sunday at.

• 1:17:51Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:17:52Sam Morril?

  Cool, I'm landing Sunday at four thirteen.

• 1:17:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:56Sam Morril?

  You're just like, fucking kill me.

• 1:17:57Mark Normand?

  I know. And then they're like, oh, you're, you're lazy. And I'm like, no, no, I'll, I just got back from the road. I've just worked my ass off. I did five hours of comedy over three nights.

• 1:18:08Sam Morril?

  Oh dude, I, I, I don't know if people understand how tired you get from that shit. Like I, I went to see a wrestling match the other day at MSG.

• 1:18:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:15Sam Morril?

  And I don't know how these pro wrestlers do it, man, because they're doing what we do while working out.

• 1:18:21Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:18:22Sam Morril?

  And fighting.

• 1:18:22Mark Normand?

  Yes, it's all physical.

• 1:18:24Sam Morril?

  I know it's not like real fighting, but like they're taking, they're taking crazy hits.

• 1:18:28Mark Normand?

  They're flipping over and jumping off the ropes. Yeah, it's, it's a lot of work.

• 1:18:31Sam Morril?

  I'm, I'm like, I can't operate the next day after like eating Chinese. These guys are doing like backflips.

• 1:18:37Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 1:18:37Sam Morril?

  And then some of them, the lower level ones are driving to the thing.

• 1:18:41Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:18:41Sam Morril?

  They're not even like on the charter plane or.

• 1:18:43Mark Normand?

  Brutal.

• 1:18:44Sam Morril?

  Some of them not even flying commercial, like they're not making enough. I saw a video of The Rock and he was explaining like, you know, I make a hundred and fifty grand a year, which like, it's good money, you know, but I was wrestling 200 days a year.

• 1:18:54Mark Normand?

  Wow, Jesus.

• 1:18:56Sam Morril?

  So you're not making even a thousand a night when your body's taking that kind of punishment.

• 1:18:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Do they cover medical?

• 1:19:01Sam Morril?

  I don't know.

• 1:19:02Mark Normand?

  Because imagine those checkups. That's gotta add up, plus the pills.

• 1:19:06Sam Morril?

  I know. That's what I'm thinking. That's how they all get, that's, people are like, they die young from steroids. I'm like, I bet a lot of it's drugs.

• 1:19:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:12Sam Morril?

  Like painkillers, muscle relaxers.

• 1:19:14Mark Normand?

  Definitely.

• 1:19:15Sam Morril?

  Especially as some of these guys get older and they're, see them still, like Ric Flair will still like, not now, but like even a few years ago, you're like, that, that dude's fucking old.

• 1:19:24Mark Normand?

  I know, I know. And he still drinks like a maniac.

• 1:19:27Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 1:19:27Mark Normand?

  It's kind of impressive.

• 1:19:28Sam Morril?

  They provide insurance for wrestlers.

• 1:19:30Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:19:31Sam Morril?

  Limited to injuries that occur in the ring.

• 1:19:33Mark Normand?

  Ah, damn. Well, that's fair, I guess. Where else are you gonna get an injury?

• 1:19:37Sam Morril?

  Bar fight?

• 1:19:38Mark Normand?

  Bar fight, or they gym, maybe if they go too hard.

• 1:19:40Sam Morril?

  Some wrestlers have expressed their frustration with the limited nature of WWE's health insurance. Maven, the first winner of WWE Tough Enough, said that he doesn't believe WWE would cover injuries that occur outside the ring. He also said he finds it crazy that wrestlers don't have a larger health insurance policy to cover the risks and pain they endure. I mean, you do see them doing some crazy shit.

• 1:20:01Mark Normand?

  Crazy shit, and if I was a doctor, I'd use that. Like, "Oh, you want healthcare? You're not tough enough? Nah, you wuss."

• 1:20:09Sam Morril?

  Maybe the next CEO shooter will be a pro wrestler.

• 1:20:11Mark Normand?

  That's true, yeah.

• 1:20:13Sam Morril?

  It's also weird, it's never like an old person, like, I know this is new, but like, if you're like an old person, you're like Bakal on that episode.

• 1:20:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:21Sam Morril?

  Oxygen, you're not getting covered, you're spending the last couple of weeks of your life being on hold.

• 1:20:26Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:20:27Sam Morril?

  Doing paperwork, not getting covered. That's the person you expect to kill a CEO.

• 1:20:30Mark Normand?

  Yes, true.

• 1:20:31Sam Morril?

  One last ride, he's like, "I'm dying anyway, you don't even need a silencer."

• 1:20:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, hit him with a folding chair. That's how you know he's a wrestler. Damn. Yeah, I guess, yeah, we got it made. And it's not even the physical labor, like, the whole, like, getting, landing in... I would do a thing where I would land at 5:00, and my ex-girlfriend would be like, "When do you land?" And I would go, "Uh, 8:30." And she'd be like, "Okay, well, I'll come over for 9:00." And I was like, "All right, good, I'll land at 5:00, I'll get home by 5:30, I'll have a couple hours to decompress." And it wasn't even that I would, I was like, spent from the weekend, it was just like, "I gotta be, I need a minute. I don't want to just land a plane and just hang out."

• 1:21:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:11Mark Normand?

  Especially if it's some boring activity.

• 1:21:13Sam Morril?

  You need a little bit of isolation to...

• 1:21:15Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:21:16Sam Morril?

  ...come up with jokes, too, and you don't want to be...

• 1:21:17Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 1:21:18Sam Morril?

  ...inconsiderate when you're talking to someone, you want to give yourself to them, but you have to also know your limitations.

• 1:21:22Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:21:23Sam Morril?

  I remember Louis once said to me, like, "Great jokes are written in the abyss. You need the loneliness, you need the isolation."

• 1:21:28Mark Normand?

  So true.

• 1:21:29Sam Morril?

  And there's a part of me, like, "Oh, my God, I'm so happy I get to bring friends on the road with me now, like, it's an incredible life." But when I was a young headliner, and, you know, you're making not a lot of money, but it's your show, you're just in that part, it is kind of cool that you're just on your own.

• 1:21:44Mark Normand?

  Yes, that's when the brain can really go nuts and go into weird places.

• 1:21:48Sam Morril?

  You're in a random coffee shop in, like, Tacoma.

• 1:21:50Mark Normand?

  Yep, yep.

• 1:21:51Sam Morril?

  And you're just thinking jokes.

• 1:21:52Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:21:53Sam Morril?

  And when you're with your friends, there's a lot, not small talk, because they're your real friends, but you want to make sure you're not in too much of a routine, like...

• 1:22:00Mark Normand?

  Yes, you're hanging out.

• 1:22:01Sam Morril?

  That isolation is, it is good. Like, think about how... How hard it is when you, you know, for most people, for most of us, to go out without headphones.

• 1:22:14Mark Normand?

  Pooh.

• 1:22:14Sam Morril?

  Without just not looking at your phone.

• 1:22:16Mark Normand?

  Impossible.

• 1:22:17Sam Morril?

  I mean, I got bumped by a guy today, noise cancelling headphones, sunglasses, and on his phone, and it's like, there's so much he's blocking.

• 1:22:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:22:25Sam Morril?

  And that's a lot of people.

• 1:22:26Mark Normand?

  That's, yeah, I'm guilty of that too.

• 1:22:28Sam Morril?

  Me too, we all are.

• 1:22:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I put, I walk out the door, the headphones go in, and it's, it's kinda sad that I need, but that's also New York, I wonder. You know, cause New York has a lot coming at you.

• 1:22:39Sam Morril?

  But if you're in another city and you're in your car, you got something playing.

• 1:22:41Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:22:42Sam Morril?

  I think it's, you wanted, that thing went viral about the, like, raw dogging on the flight.

• 1:22:48Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:22:50Sam Morril?

  But there's, you see someone just doing that, it's crazy to be that.

• 1:22:53Mark Normand?

  It's weird that that's impressive now.

• 1:22:55Sam Morril?

  I know people will go to like, you know, a monastery.

• 1:22:58Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:22:59Sam Morril?

  Or these silent retreats, and I'm like, that's, it does take willpower, man.

• 1:23:03Mark Normand?

  It's so sad, it's true. I was walking around my house today and I realized, oh, I've been walking around for like thirty minutes without a pod going. And I'm usually, I'm in my home, I'm like folding laundry with a podcast going, you know, and it's sad that I, I used to just, in the nineties, I would just fold laundry.

• 1:23:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:20Mark Normand?

  Isn't that weird?

• 1:23:21Sam Morril?

  It is weird, but I also.

• 1:23:22Mark Normand?

  You didn't think it was different.

• 1:23:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but also sometimes, look, there's a fine line, sometimes those podcasts are like educational, I'll listen to something like a history podcast.

• 1:23:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:30Sam Morril?

  Or something political, or.

• 1:23:32Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:23:32Sam Morril?

  Or even just comedy, you wanna just hear like, you know, people bullshitting, but yeah, you need entertainment too, I'm just saying, it is, it is weird where we are now, the reliance we have and can't, I don't know, it's, it's.

• 1:23:45Mark Normand?

  It's great, well, you ever break down your day in high school? Like, think about high school, you'd wake up at six thirty in the morning, whatever it was. You, you see your mom, you eat breakfast, you pack your books, you get your dress, your outfit on, you go to school, no headphone, no nothing. You see your friends, you bullshit with your friends, you go to class, you go to recess, you play physical activity, then you go to gym, basketball, whatever it is. Then you, you leave, you go to track, or whatever the hell sport you play, hanging out, socializing. All day, no phone, no screen. Then you come home, you watch a little TV, do your homework, and then go to bed.

• 1:24:22Sam Morril?

  That was your screen time, the TV.

• 1:24:24Mark Normand?

  That was it, yeah.

• 1:24:25Sam Morril?

  A Spider-Man cartoon, a three.

• 1:24:27Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 1:24:28Sam Morril?

  And your parents are like, you're getting dumb, you're looking at the screen, you're like, I only did thirty minutes.

• 1:24:32Mark Normand?

  I know, and you crack a book for ten minutes, you pretend to work, you eat dinner.

• 1:24:36Sam Morril?

  Jack off.

• 1:24:37Mark Normand?

  You jack off, you go to bed, like, that was your life, and I could never do that now. And that said, that was a normal American childhood.

• 1:24:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:44Mark Normand?

  And now I'm like, whoa, I gotta have a pod going, I gotta have an iPhone, I gotta have an Instagram.

• 1:24:50Sam Morril?

  But everything's on this phone now, so, you know, you could miss a work thing if you're not. So part of you, like, feels guilty neglecting this divide.

• 1:24:56Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:24:57Sam Morril?

  And you also use other shit, like, like, there's. Where you have your work is also where you have your guilty pleasures.

• 1:25:03Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:25:04Sam Morril?

  That's a dangerous combination.

• 1:25:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:05Sam Morril?

  It's literally like if you ate a meal, every meal you ate was at McDonald's, and you could eat other stuff there too, but there's always a threat of french fries. They're just like right there.

• 1:25:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right, right. Poof.

• 1:25:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:18Mark Normand?

  How are we gonna do it? How are we gonna get by? We got a lot of life left.

• 1:25:22Sam Morril?

  You just gotta force yourself to not, like, keep it in the other room every once in a while.

• 1:25:25Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:25:25Sam Morril?

  There's windows you don't have to look.

• 1:25:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:28Sam Morril?

  You go to the gym, you can, you know, you can bring, I, I went to the gym without my phone recently.

• 1:25:32Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:25:33Sam Morril?

  It was out of battery, and I was like, eh, fuck it, I'll just.

• 1:25:35Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:25:35Sam Morril?

  And it was hard.

• 1:25:36Mark Normand?

  It's hard, I'm impressed.

• 1:25:38Sam Morril?

  It was really fucking hard.

• 1:25:39Mark Normand?

  That is damn good, but I bet your brain went to some places, I bet you decompressed some shit.

• 1:25:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, sometimes you do, I don't know if I, I think I was just like, on a treadmill, like, this fucking sucks. I don't think I had anything that way.

• 1:25:50Mark Normand?

  That's true. Yeah, well, I think, like, you know, the wife's pregnant, everywhere we go, she's getting free plane upgrades, she's getting free meals, she's getting free desserts, people love a pregnant lady, give it, here's my seat, uh, skip me in line, all this free shit. It's, I think it's because it's the last thing that's still natural that we do. Everything else is like Uber Eats and Netflix streaming, it's all like easy Lasik surgery, everything is like built to help you, and this is like the last thing you gotta suffer through for nine months, it's gonna come out of your clam and ruin it, and it's gonna be painful, but you gotta do it. And I think that's part of why pregnancy is, is so impressive.

• 1:26:27Sam Morril?

  That's a good point, the baby's gonna come out, though, and just go wah.

• 1:26:30Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 1:26:31Sam Morril?

  And you're gonna hand it a phone, and it'll be like, alright. It's gonna want the phone.

• 1:26:34Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:26:35Sam Morril?

  No, it's, I think you're right, though. It is the last thing that we're really like, wow, that's like old, it is amazing to think that what people have been doing forever, because I was like, you know, having babies forever, like there was a period where babies often wouldn't make, they wouldn't last very long.

• 1:26:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:26:50Sam Morril?

  You know, like, I think, I took her out in the cold the other day when it was like fifteen degrees. How the fuck did pugs survive like two hundred years ago?

• 1:26:58Mark Normand?

  I have, I don't know.

• 1:26:59Sam Morril?

  She's out there for two seconds, she's like, ah!

• 1:27:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, I don't know if there were pugs back then.

• 1:27:04Sam Morril?

  They were like Chinese emperor dogs, dude.

• 1:27:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, is that right?

• 1:27:06Sam Morril?

  They've been around forever.

• 1:27:08Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:27:08Sam Morril?

  How the fuck, so I think about that all the time, having babies back in the day.

• 1:27:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:12Sam Morril?

  I mean, how many of Lincoln's kids died?

• 1:27:15Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:27:17Sam Morril?

  Imagine if you just had a president now who's like, you're like, yeah, five of his kids are dead.

• 1:27:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, be like, oh, man, this guy's a horrible father. But yeah, it's true, like, you think about like some wolf would just steal a kid out of your hand in a forest in the Middle Ages. Also, you know, you're not supposed to give babies water?

• 1:27:34Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:27:35Mark Normand?

  Isn't that weird? They can't handle water, like drowns them internally, so you gotta give them breast milk or formula. So, this is a thing I had to learn. I would have just been like, hey, come on, you fucking idiot, you're gonna dehydrate, you know, and apparently that kills them.

• 1:27:47Sam Morril?

  He drowned?

• 1:27:48Mark Normand?

  Yes!

• 1:27:48Sam Morril?

  Smart water, dude.

• 1:27:50Mark Normand?

  Baby intoxic, water intoxication, intoxication. Yeah, I mean, this is all stuff you gotta learn, it's crazy.

• 1:27:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so you watch, do you have a lot of books?

• 1:28:01Mark Normand?

  Books, podcasts, yeah, I gotta, I gotta open those. Um, but yeah, it's just all kinds of shit, like, if I grew up in eighteen oh eight and I had a baby on a farm, I would be trying to get it to drink water, because I would think that would be healthy.

• 1:28:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:18Mark Normand?

  So, it's, uh, it's wild that we survived anything. I think about that all the time.

• 1:28:23Sam Morril?

  Crazy.

• 1:28:25Mark Normand?

  How to keep your baby hydrated. Look at that. There's so much to learn, but then you think about all the retards that have had kids and pulled it off.

• 1:28:32Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 1:28:32Mark Normand?

  And multiple kids, by the way.

• 1:28:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you're like, we can't keep this thing alive.

• 1:28:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:37Sam Morril?

  I mean, come on.

• 1:28:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, so we'll be alright and, uh, yeah, call in if you have any kid advice and, uh...

• 1:28:45Sam Morril?

  Email again, wemightbeydrunkpod@gmail.

• 1:28:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:28:48Sam Morril?

  You kind of stopped doing that. You have any kid advice? Send us some kid advice.

• 1:28:50Mark Normand?

  Drop us a line. Tell us your baby horror story.

• 1:28:53Sam Morril?

  And send some rags or peeves. We haven't done that in a while. It's kind of fun to do that.

• 1:28:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, send a video in with something you like.

• 1:28:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I like that. And, uh, yeah, peeves are good. Send us some, some peeves.

• 1:29:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, I got a peeve. Last peeve, and then we'll wrap this thing up.

• 1:29:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:08Mark Normand?

  This is one thing my wife does. I'll do the whole, like, I'll be upstairs, and I'm like, hey, can you bring me, are you on your way upstairs? She's like, yeah, I'm coming up. But I go, can you bring me the scissors? She's like, sure. Four minutes go by. I'm like, what's up with those scissors? And she's like, oh, I'm coming, I'm coming. Eight minutes go by. I'm like, I thought you said you were coming. What, you ever see these people who do the, the, I'm coming? And then they don't do anything?

• 1:29:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah, my girlfriend in bed.

• 1:29:32Mark Normand?

  I was waiting for that.

• 1:29:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I just, uh, the, the, I'm coming, and then they, they take like 20 more minutes.

• 1:29:39Sam Morril?

  It drives me crazy.

• 1:29:40Mark Normand?

  Just say I'm 20 minutes.

• 1:29:41Sam Morril?

  Can't do it, or say, can I do it in 10? I hate the, the false start. I'm coming. You didn't come.

• 1:29:47Mark Normand?

  No, no, be right there.

• 1:29:50Sam Morril?

  Damn.

• 1:29:50Mark Normand?

  No, you're not. It's right, you're not right there.

• 1:29:53Sam Morril?

  I mean, it, it's a huge peeve.

• 1:29:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, drives me, kids do that a lot. Coming! Don't worry, mom, I'm coming. And then they don't show up.

• 1:30:01Sam Morril?

  Ah.

• 1:30:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:02Sam Morril?

  It's a peeve.

• 1:30:03Mark Normand?

  That's a peeve for you.

• 1:30:04Sam Morril?

  It's a good peeve.

• 1:30:05Mark Normand?

  Very relatable.

• 1:30:06Sam Morril?

  Say you can't do it.

• 1:30:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah, 10 minutes. Be there in 10.

• 1:30:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:11Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 1:30:11Sam Morril?

  Alright, well, I feel those are the good, uh, when is this one coming out?

• 1:30:15Mark Normand?

  We have no idea.

• 1:30:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:30:19Sam Morril?

  What do you want to do?

• 1:30:20Mark Normand?

  Well, we did talk about, uh, what do you do for New Years, by the way?

• 1:30:23Sam Morril?

  I'm doing nothing.

• 1:30:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 1:30:25Sam Morril?

  How about you?

• 1:30:26Mark Normand?

  Uh, I think I'm gonna do a dinner.

• 1:30:28Sam Morril?

  Oh, okay, that's good.

• 1:30:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I was at the cellar the other night and Esti's like, "You have to come for New Years." I was like, "I really just don't. I hate working New Years."

• 1:30:35Mark Normand?

  Hate working New Years. We, we've graduated, I think.

• 1:30:37Sam Morril?

  I, yeah, that's, I think, like, a thing I, that was one of the first things to go. When you're a young comic, you're like, "Oh, it's extra money. It's good." But like, I had nothing planned. I don't, uh, shout it to any comic who's doing

• 1:30:50Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:30:50Sam Morril?

  New Years in a green room, because I've done many, and it's not that bad.

• 1:30:55Mark Normand?

  Nah, it's not bad.

• 1:30:56Sam Morril?

  I love working, but like, it, the crowds.

• 1:30:58Mark Normand?

  Crowds are tough. You gotta get drunk. That's the only, only move.

• 1:31:01Sam Morril?

  You're just not, they're, they're, they're there for you, but they're kinda not.

• 1:31:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:31:04Sam Morril?

  They needed a thing to do.

• 1:31:06Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 1:31:06Sam Morril?

  It's like a weekend times 10. It's like, that crowd that, ah, I just, I, yeah, it's, I remember doing the three show nights on New Years.

• 1:31:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, I did that.

• 1:31:15Sam Morril?

  It just killed me.

• 1:31:15Mark Normand?

  Did that at Chicago Zany's, did it at Grand Rapids.

• 1:31:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I did one in Spokane once. That was rough.

• 1:31:21Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 1:31:22Sam Morril?

  I remember there was just a table of a ton of people, and I was like, "Man, you guys fucking hate me." And, and this guy's like, "I'm sorry, I'm a fan." I'm like, "Oh, and you let them all down with your..."

• 1:31:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:31:32Sam Morril?

  He talked seven of his friends into going, and they were like, "This is not for..."

• 1:31:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's the worst.

• 1:31:36Sam Morril?

  And that's a, like, a lot of the things you get on New Years.

• 1:31:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:39Sam Morril?

  You need a thing to do.

• 1:31:40Mark Normand?

  I know. It's a horrible idea. I mean, look, go to shows, do whatever you want to do, but if you're an audience member and you go to a comic club for New Years, you have to sit and listen.

• 1:31:49Sam Morril?

  I know.

• 1:31:49Mark Normand?

  So it's not a great idea if you want to party.

• 1:31:51Sam Morril?

  It's a big drinking night, because it is like, a lot of people think it's like, "It's my last hurrah."

• 1:31:56Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:31:56Sam Morril?

  "I'll be good the next day."

• 1:31:58Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:31:58Sam Morril?

  It is funny how many of us just start the New Year, though, feeling like death.

• 1:32:02Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:32:03Sam Morril?

  I, I love not, I'm having a couple of drinks on New Years and not, I'll make a couple of cocktails or something.

• 1:32:07Mark Normand?

  You ever done Dry January?

• 1:32:09Sam Morril?

  Man, no.

• 1:32:10Mark Normand?

  I don't know if I can do it.

• 1:32:11Sam Morril?

  No.

• 1:32:11Mark Normand?

  Physically can't do it. Isn't that sad?

• 1:32:13Sam Morril?

  I've been drinking, some, people gave me shit at the cellar the other night because... I'm just used to having a drink there, so I'll ask the waitress, like, what's like a good healthy? And we're like, if you do this, I'm like, alright, I'll get this, like, you know, chicken on a salad. And then I go, and a Negroni, and people just laughed. I'm like, I'm doing this so I can have the drink.

• 1:32:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:32:32Sam Morril?

  So I don't feel as guilty, you know?

• 1:32:33Mark Normand?

  Also, I get the joke, but one is fat and one is not fat. Like, the drink is booze, the food is fattening.

• 1:32:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:41Mark Normand?

  So, they are a little different, but I get, I get the joke.

• 1:32:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:45Mark Normand?

  Alright, folks, well, Happy New Year, I guess.

• 1:32:48Sam Morril?

  I guess.

• 1:32:50Mark Normand?

  Alright, we're doing this weekend.

• 1:32:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and we got a bunch of dates coming up on the road, so what day does this come out?

• 1:32:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, baby. Alright, I'm in Phoenix, and then Dallas. It's all sold out, but I'm worried because the baby, they always say it could come early.

• 1:33:07Sam Morril?

  Ooh.

• 1:33:07Mark Normand?

  So, the baby's like, I'm coming.

• 1:33:09Sam Morril?

  The scissors.

• 1:33:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Uh, then I'm in the Ryman, and then Asheville, North Carolina, I'm making up a date, so, there you go.

• 1:33:20Sam Morril?

  Yeah, nice. I'll be at Liberty Township, Ohio, warming up at some clubs. The, I don't know what date it is, it's, what is it, the, yeah, the 9th through the 11th? Then I got Pittsburgh, oh no, maybe it's the 10th and the 11th. Pittsburgh, the 23rd through 25th, the Improv, my last couple of club dates, and then it's, you know, a couple of clubs on the run, but it's mostly theaters, doing Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, DC, Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, it goes on and on, New Haven, Portsmouth. You'll go to my website, Toronto, Montreal, so many places I'm coming to. Yeah, you're scrolling like a motherfucker, you guys see, every place.

• 1:34:04Sam Morril?

  I'm basically coming to every city, and if it's not there, it'll be there in the late summer or fall.

• 1:34:10Mark Normand?

  Nice.

• 1:34:11Sam Morril?

  And, yeah, punchup.live slash Sam Morril, punchup.live slash Mark Norman for tickets, or just go to our websites, but the Punch Up thing's cool.

• 1:34:20Mark Normand?

  Is this the full set?

• 1:34:22Sam Morril?

  I think it is.

• 1:34:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, cool, alright.

• 1:34:24Sam Morril?

  I think, I just saw it in yours too.

• 1:34:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I just said, whatever you sent me, I sent it right to Danny.

• 1:34:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's just, it's kind of a fun little behind the scenes look at our roast, some jokes that got cut, and... Yeah, we were, you know, figuring it out. It's kind of fun to see.

• 1:34:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:34:39Sam Morril?

  The scenes look.

• 1:34:40Mark Normand?

  Maybe we should do a mashup of all the progress, see, you know, if we can get all the clips, like the cellar, this.

• 1:34:46Sam Morril?

  Throw it on We Might Be Drunk.

• 1:34:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:48Sam Morril?

  That'd be fun.

• 1:34:49Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:34:49Speaker 03

  Can I plug something?

• 1:34:50Mark Normand?

  Please.

• 1:34:52Speaker 03

  I started a sketch comedy group.

• 1:34:54Mark Normand?

  What?

• 1:34:55Speaker 03

  We're filming and writing and producing sketches on YouTube.

• 1:34:58Mark Normand?

  Get out of here.

• 1:34:59Speaker 03

  No Lobsters Comedy.

• 1:35:00Sam Morril?

  What's it called?

• 1:35:01Speaker 03

  No Lobsters.

• 1:35:02Mark Normand?

  No Lobsters.

• 1:35:03Sam Morril?

  Alright.

• 1:35:03Speaker 03

  Not fancy, but fun.

• 1:35:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:35:06Speaker 03

  Check it out. It's funny stuff.

• 1:35:07Mark Normand?

  I had no idea you were into sketch.

• 1:35:09Speaker 03

  I'm not an actor, but I like writing and directing.

• 1:35:11Mark Normand?

  Wow, how about that?

• 1:35:13Sam Morril?

  Man, we should have, we should have had Ben Schwartzway in, man.

• 1:35:16Mark Normand?

  Yes. No wonder you were pushing for him.

• 1:35:21Sam Morril?

  They loved him, right? The people loved him.

• 1:35:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:35:23Sam Morril?

  Cool guy.

• 1:35:24Mark Normand?

  Cool dude, nice guy, good chatting.

• 1:35:26Sam Morril?

  Alright, well, uh, yeah, Lake George, that's a fun one. And, uh, love you guys. Buy Bodega Cat. We're making a lot of progress here.

• 1:35:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:35:34Sam Morril?

  BodegaCatWitching.com. And keep listening to the pod. Some great guests coming up.

• 1:35:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:40Sam Morril?

  And, uh, we love you guys. Have a great and happy and healthy new year and we'll, we'll see you, we'll see you soon.

• 1:35:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm doing Dry January, just cocaine. There you go. Alright, thanks, guys.

• 1:36:37Speaker 04

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