The Body Politic Part I

Conan talks to tattoo artist Grace from Bristol about the wide world of body modification from tongue-splitting to belly button removal and beyond. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:10Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:21Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 0:21Conan O'Brien?

  And I didn't get cash back, and I regret it now.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift.

• 0:27Conan O'Brien?

  Do you wear a wig, or is that your hair?

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of, it's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me.

• 0:34Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'll just return it anyway, but I do wish I got cash back.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:38Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:52Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, like all the time.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I did that with an all potato restaurant.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

  Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sona?

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, all the time.

• 1:13Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:16Speaker 01

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• 1:17Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:21Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:22Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:37Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit TeamCoco.com/callConan. Okay, let's get started.

• 1:47Speaker 02

  Hi, Grace. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

• 1:50Speaker 03

  Hello there. Nice to be here. Thank you for having me.

• 1:52Conan O'Brien?

  How are you, Grace?

• 1:53Speaker 03

  I'm very good. How are you?

• 1:55Conan O'Brien?

  Well, lovely to meet you, and you look fantastic. You really do. And I want to, there's so much to talk about here because it says on my little piece of paper here that you are in Bristol, England. Is that correct?

• 2:09Speaker 03

  That is correct.

• 2:10Conan O'Brien?

  I was in London about a week and a half ago. So, sorry I missed you.

• 2:15Speaker 03

  I'm sorry you missed me, too.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  She doesn't sound sorry at all.

• 2:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you seem

• 2:22Conan O'Brien?

  Dodged a bullet. You seem quite pleased that you dodged the serial international creep.

• 2:31Conan O'Brien?

  Now, I don't know much other than it says here that you are a body modification assistant. I know nothing about this topic. Talk to me about, I see that you have tattoos, but what does body modification include?

• 2:46Speaker 03

  So, I'm actually a tattoo artist, but when I was coming up in the industry, I was a body piercer who then met a body modification artist and became their assistant. And body modification in the realm that I'm talking about would be like, things like tongue splits,

• 3:08Speaker 03

  scarification, subdermal implants, the removal of certain things. Yeah, kind of just coming up in like the alternative scene in Plymouth, where I grew up.

• 3:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 3:23Speaker 03

  Being into punk music and stuff like that, I was always seeing these like heavily tattooed and pierced like singers in bands and stuff like that. And it very much inspired me and it got me kind of like wanting to learn more about it. And I was always fascinated by it, and I was always wanting to get certain things done. Like, I was dying to get my tongue split when, since I was like probably 14, 15.

• 3:47Conan O'Brien?

  Well, talk to me about that. Let's start with tongue splitting, because I don't know anything about that. I know that people can get a piercing on their tongue, but I didn't know about a tongue splitting. What's that?

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Uh, is this? Can I show you?

• 4:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:01Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God!

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Oh, shit.

• 4:04Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God!

• 4:06Speaker 01

  That is crazy.

• 4:07Conan O'Brien?

  You have a forked tongue.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 4:10Conan O'Brien?

  I can't believe a thing you're saying.

• 4:14Conan O'Brien?

  What, so that's for appearance, right? That doesn't, it doesn't, well, actually, it would give your tongue more surface area. Hmm. I think-

• 4:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, so like, your tongue is two separate muscles, so that's why this bit works so well. You can move them independently. But yeah, it makes, it's a great, like, I can pick food out of both sides of my mouth at the same time.

• 4:36Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God!

• 4:39Speaker 02

  And you could stick your tongue out at two separate people across the room.

• 4:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  I definitely-

• 4:45Conan O'Brien?

  Good point.

• 4:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  That's not cool.

• 4:47Speaker 02

  Yes, it is.

• 4:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  It feels like it's not cool.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  That's actually really cool.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  That's not a cool use.

• 4:50Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? Many times, I've wanted to stick my tongue out, but I have to choose which person to do it. And they're usually on either side of a room.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:59Conan O'Brien?

  Some distance from me.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Then this is the procedure for you.

• 5:03Speaker 03

  That's exactly why I got it done.

• 5:05Conan O'Brien?

  Does it?

• 5:07Conan O'Brien?

  There must be some ways in which it's inconvenient. Like, maybe not. If they're licking ice cream. How's it, is it, does it, you must taste more ice cream.

• 5:17Speaker 02

  No, because there's not taste buds in the inside of your tongue, right? You're not getting new taste buds, are you?

• 5:23Conan O'Brien?

  Well, probably not.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  No, I tasted exactly like my taste, nothing was different apart from the fact that these two things in my mouth now move independently. But honestly, it felt very freeing to get my tongue split. Like, as soon as it was done and I started moving it, I was like, oh, my God, it feels like my tongue has been in a vise this whole time.

• 5:42Conan O'Brien?

  Did it change your speech at all?

• 5:44Speaker 03

  So, I did have a slight lisp when I first got it done. And I had to kind of train myself to not have one, but it wasn't like severe or anything like that. But it's kind of all dependent on the person. But yeah, it's, it's, it was something I'd always wanted done from a young age. And then I got a piercing apprenticeship in London. And the woman who was my mentor, she was like this radical, you know, heavily modified Polish woman who was terrifying. She basically was able to facilitate that for me because she, she was like the gatekeeper to body modification for me. And she opened the door and introduced me

• 6:28Speaker 03

  to people who could facilitate all these sorts of things, you know?

• 6:32Conan O'Brien?

  So, there's so many things. You said you've done something to your belly button. What did you have done to your belly button?

• 6:38Speaker 03

  I removed it.

• 6:41Conan O'Brien?

  How do you remove a belly button?

• 6:42Speaker 01

  You can do that!

• 6:43Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't know you could do that. So, what are the, is it just smooth there now? There's no sign of anything ever having been there?

• 6:51Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly. Like a Barbie doll.

• 6:54Conan O'Brien?

  What did you do with it? Yeah, what happened to the-

• 7:00Speaker 03

  I actually set, so I'm 37 now, and I got it done when I was like 19, 20. So, what I did was I took it, dried it, and set it in resin in a heart shape. And I gave it to the boy that I fancied at the time.

• 7:18Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God! You know, that's a mafia death threat.

• 7:24Conan O'Brien?

  That's right up with a fish in your mailbox.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  A belly button, yeah, a belly button in the mailbox.

• 7:29Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God!

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Did you get it back when you guys broke up?

• 7:32Speaker 03

  Uh, no, I never got it back.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 7:36Conan O'Brien?

  You still got your belly button. You know, it's so great, you guys break up, and, or he breaks up with you and you go to his door, and you're crying, you're like, "I want my belly button back!"

• 7:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:47Conan O'Brien?

  I had a girlfriend once demand the sweater she knit me back because we broke up. And so this is the same thing.

• 7:53Speaker 03

  Give me back my body part!

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:55Speaker 02

  You also had your eyes tattooed purple? Are you talking about the iris of your eyes?

• 8:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, so, I don't know.

• 8:02Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God, how do you do? Wait, I don't understand how that works. Your eyes are purple. Why have you not been grabbed by the government for being an alien?

• 8:11Speaker 03

  Well, I'm moving, I'm actually moving to America at the end of the year, and it is one of my, my fears.

• 8:18Conan O'Brien?

  Trust me, it's not going to be your top fear, Grace.

• 8:23Conan O'Brien?

  Plenty of other shit going on here right now.

• 8:27Speaker 03

  Can't wait.

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  You'll soon forget all your modifications. So, you've got, that's, so- Her eyeballs are tattooed purple. Does that hurt when they do it?

• 8:35Speaker 03

  So, it wasn't necessarily painful, like the procedure, because it's done by injection. And like, so imagine that the white part of your eye is covered in Saran Wrap. That's what you guys call it, right?

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  Like that graphic?

• 8:48Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you're all ready for America. Don't worry about it.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  I am. I'm ready to go.

• 8:52Conan O'Brien?

  Now just learn Captain Crunch in your set.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  So, yeah, they put, imagine like your eye, the white of your eye has this kind of clear layer over it, and there is like a pocket in between that where the ink sits.

• 9:05Conan O'Brien?

  The sclera.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  So, it's done by, yeah, exactly, the sclera. There you go. They basically inject around the eye. I've had 12 injections in each eye.

• 9:15Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 9:16Speaker 03

  And it kind of spreads out, like the little bubble of ink kind of forms on top of the eye. And then within like an hour, it starts to disperse and like spread out.

• 9:26Conan O'Brien?

  So, this in no way affects your vision?

• 9:29Speaker 03

  I have never had any issues with my vision, but I'm not going to sit here and say that, no, there's no risk. There's massive risk. And people have gone blind. People have lost their eyes. I was the assistant of the body modification artist who invented the procedure. So, I was, you know, assisting a lot of eyeball tattoos. And I loved the way that it looked, but I obviously was a little bit cautious about how risky it was. But, you know, being young and dumb, and after a while, I was like, "Fuck it, let's go."

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:05Speaker 03

  Can I share?

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, we can always have it removed.

• 10:11Speaker 02

  And give it to a former lover.

• 10:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly. The "fuck it" is now being given to my girlfriend.

• 10:19Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so, these are the, you do piercings. You pierce ears. You also pierce nipples. And you pierce women's genitalia, but not men's genitalia. Is that correct? I feel like this is a trial, by the way.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  I know. Yeah, the way you're asking it, you're you sound very square.

• 10:39Conan O'Brien?

  Doctor Lecter.

• 10:42Conan O'Brien?

  Is it not true?

• 10:44Speaker 02

  Object argumentative.

• 10:46Conan O'Brien?

  So, you pier, you pierce women's, uh...

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Say it.

• 10:52Speaker 02

  Say it.

• 10:52Speaker 03

  Say it.

• 10:53Conan O'Brien?

  Sacred Spaces?

• 10:54Speaker 01

  Oh, God!

• 10:56Speaker 03

  Yes, I pierce clitorises and labios.

• 10:59Conan O'Brien?

  There's no evidence there's a clitoris. None! I'm a clitoris denier. I'm on record.

• 11:09Speaker 03

  You don't think that they exist?

• 11:11Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just, I've never seen any evidence.

• 11:15Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, Grace.

• 11:17Conan O'Brien?

  You don't want to go down this road with me. It's not pleasant. Uh, no, so, um, but you don't do women, you don't do penises, is that right?

• 11:27Speaker 03

  So, yeah, I, I started off as a piercing when I was a teenager and I learned to do everything. My, my mentor taught me how to pierce everything and I did that for, for years. I worked in Soho in London and I'm sure you've been to Soho, it's a fun place.

• 11:42Conan O'Brien?

  I do, I love Soho.

• 11:44Speaker 03

  Yes, it's a great place, but because of it being in central London and being so next to, so like I worked on Wardour Street, which is really close to where all like the fetish shops and the sex shops are.

• 11:57Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 11:58Speaker 03

  Which don't get me wrong, I love all of that, but because of that, we get like a, an influx of older gentlemen who would like to get their genitals pierced.

• 12:07Conan O'Brien?

  Interesting.

• 12:09Speaker 03

  Yes, I was happy to oblige, but then I noticed a pattern where there was just like, you know, they would get a piercing and then it would fall out two weeks later and they'd come in and be like, can you put it back in for me? And then it got to the point where it's like.

• 12:25Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, oopsie doopsie, it fell out again.

• 12:27Speaker 02

  For the piercing, yeah.

• 12:28Conan O'Brien?

  Oopsie, yeah.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  I'm done with that.

• 12:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:32Speaker 03

  I'm pierce, uh, female genitalia all day, every day, all day long, love that. Um, cause that just feels like a bonding sister moment, you know?

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:42Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I'm saying, sure, I just don't know.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:44Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna be honest with you, I, I have to be honest with you, I don't know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, bonding.

• 12:59Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that one in four Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them?

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:04Conan O'Brien?

  You fell for it.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam.

• 13:06Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  I did lose and it was very inconvenient and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 13:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I don't know where they got that impression.

• 13:18Conan O'Brien?

  Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:35Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 13:37Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Oh, no, that's not the point of this.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

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• 14:02Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

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• 14:21Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time, I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills, what am I gonna do?

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:34Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona, you, you see this to be true, right?

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 14:42Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude.

• 14:46Conan O'Brien?

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• 14:58Speaker 01

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• 15:00Conan O'Brien?

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• 15:01Speaker 01

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• 15:02Conan O'Brien?

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• 15:10Conan O'Brien?

  We all have those pieces in our closet we can count on. Sona, I imagine for you, it's that leather jacket I got you.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Are you gonna do a bit?

• 15:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, it's a really nice leather jacket I got you once.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  I had that and then I replaced it and yes, I use it all the time.

• 15:21Conan O'Brien?

  We all have, we all have that versatile jacket, the perfect T-shirt, and those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And you know what I was thinking about this morning?

• 15:30Speaker 01

  What?

• 15:31Conan O'Brien?

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• 15:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, a co-coincidence.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 15:41Conan O'Brien?

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• 15:42Speaker 01

  I gotta go.

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• 16:25Conan O'Brien?

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• 16:32Speaker 01

  All right.

• 16:33Conan O'Brien?

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• 16:49Speaker 04

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• 17:24Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, how does, much does all of this cost? Is it expensive? I imagine, cause I don't, when I get my eyes dyed, I don't want to go the cheap route, I want to get the best person. Is all of this expensive?

• 17:37Speaker 03

  So, um, body modification is definitely more expensive than like piercing and, um, cause it is more high risk. But when I got all my modifications done like over 15 years ago, so it's probably a bit different now, like I paid 250 pounds to get my tongue split and I think that's probably pretty cheap compared to what the going rate is today.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:00Speaker 03

  But yeah, I think, I think the eyes are at least a couple of grand, I'm not sure.

• 18:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  I didn't pay for mine, I wouldn't do that.

• 18:07Conan O'Brien?

  I'll do it for 20.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  I'll do it, $20?

• 18:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  You're gonna do it?

• 18:11Conan O'Brien?

  I'll do it for 20.

• 18:12Speaker 01

  Okay, well, that's, no one's gonna go to you, but do you know?

• 18:15Conan O'Brien?

  Matt, I'll, I'll, uh, split your whole face for free.

• 18:19Speaker 03

  What about a penis? Peas, splitting a penis is a very.

• 18:23Conan O'Brien?

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's back it up. You split, you can split a penis?

• 18:29Speaker 02

  He's flacking up because he's interested.

• 18:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Yes, you can split a penis, man.

• 18:34Conan O'Brien?

  But I don't understand, I in no way understand.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  Okay, let's go through the levels, there are levels to this shit, right?

• 18:41Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 18:42Speaker 03

  So, level one would be, imagine that the head of the penis is a birthday cake, right?

• 18:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  And obviously you have the urethra, which is the center of the cake.

• 18:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 18:53Speaker 03

  And then you have that seam that goes down the back of the head of the penis.

• 18:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  Right? So imagine you are cutting the first slice of cake, not, not the one, two, just the first cut.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  You cut down that seam and expose the urethra, right? So this is the penis.

• 19:10Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, okay.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  And you expose the urethra.

• 19:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Then level two would be either exposing the whole head or continuing to expose the bottom of the urethra going down.

• 19:22Conan O'Brien?

  But what's the purpose? Do you end up with two penises?

• 19:26Speaker 03

  Well, some people who go very extreme with it do, they'll end up with this.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 19:34Speaker 02

  But, uh, sorry, is this naive, but everything then still functions?

• 19:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, how do you pee if the urethra is just dangling in the wind?

• 19:41Speaker 02

  And can you have sex with two women across the room from each other?

• 19:44Conan O'Brien?

  We were gonna get to that, that's, no, we're getting to that, man.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  Your anatomy, if, you know, the bigger the anatomy, I'm guessing the more that we can do with it, the more opportunity there is for that sort of thing.

• 19:55Conan O'Brien?

  Right, you can get fancier with a bigger cake, you can do more.

• 19:59Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 19:59Conan O'Brien?

  Let's talk.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  When there's, when there's levels to the cake.

• 20:02Conan O'Brien?

  Let's talk about the smaller cake.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  A cupcake.

• 20:04Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe.

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, not even a cupcake, one of those mini cupcakes.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Maybe a Reese's.

• 20:15Conan O'Brien?

  Talk about the mini, mini Reese's piece.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  Peanut butter cup.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 20:21Conan O'Brien?

  You can't even get one candle on it.

• 20:25Conan O'Brien?

  Well, anyway.

• 20:25Speaker 03

  I've, I've, I've never had coitus with someone with a split penis, but from my understanding of talking to people, you can, once the penis is erect, put it together and insert it.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  But, sorry, does the urethra stay with one side?

• 20:42Conan O'Brien?

  It has to.

• 20:42Speaker 02

  It has to, right?

• 20:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it has to, the urethra.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  Well, if it's a good body modification artist, they will split the urethra.

• 20:49Conan O'Brien?

  No!

• 20:50Speaker 02

  Double urethras?

• 20:51Conan O'Brien?

  You get two streams when you pee.

• 20:52Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, well, no, you get, you get no streams, you basically pee like a, a girl, you'd have to sit down.

• 20:58Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, for Christ's sake.

• 21:00Speaker 01

  It's a gusher.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  Cause it would just flow everywhere. You've got, like, you're, you're, you're, you're cutting the hose in half, do you know what I mean? So there's no direction.

• 21:08Conan O'Brien?

  But why can't you not go right down the middle so that you still have a urethra and you pee off out of one and the other one's just for fun? You know?

• 21:16Speaker 03

  Because.

• 21:16Conan O'Brien?

  Like, hey, you go and you urinate and I'm gonna get to work over here.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  The, the penises are talking to each other.

• 21:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, that's cool.

• 21:24Conan O'Brien?

  Hey buddy, I'm going over, I'm gonna use a urinal, why don't you go check her out?

• 21:29Speaker 03

  Right. But you know, you guys sit down to pee for a treat sometimes, right? So it's like you're just treating yourself all the time.

• 21:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't sit down as a treat. I don't know that. I mean, that's a sad life if that's my big treat I give myself. I think I'll sit down to pee. I haven't been happy for eight years. Um, no, I've never done that as a treat. No, I don't think men sit down to pee.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, not typically.

• 21:55Conan O'Brien?

  Not men I know.

• 21:56Speaker 03

  Maybe not in the US, but in the UK, that's how they treat themselves.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  It's a national pastime.

• 22:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:04Conan O'Brien?

  God save the Queen plays every time you sit.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  Oh, they had a tough week. I'm gonna take a treat. Uh, sit down.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  So cool.

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  You, okay, you have suggestions, it says here, for Conan and Sona as to what we should have done. What would you have me, uh, have me do? What should I, what, if I came in, Grace, and I said to you, Grace, um, what's your suggestion? What would you say?

• 22:29Speaker 03

  Well, because of the way you look, I feel like you have a bit of a Ken vibe, like Ken doll vibe, you know? Bit of a Ken and Barbie vibe. And Ken doesn't have any nipples, so I would say like, why don't you just elevate your Ken-ness? And remove your nipples.

• 22:46Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so just it'd be smooth there. Can I, can you remove nipples?

• 22:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely. Especially, it's not really something that's done on women because you have a higher chance of, um, getting mastitis. But with men, it's very easy.

• 23:01Conan O'Brien?

  So, okay, step one, both nipples go and I gift them to Matt and Sona.

• 23:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, one.

• 23:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Once they're, of course, appropriately dried in a kiln.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Vintage.

• 23:11Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, what else? Let's go to town. I will have my belly button removed as well, because if you're gonna go Ken, you might as well go all the way. And what do I, what do I do with my Don Johnson down south? What would you have me, what would you have me do with that?

• 23:26Speaker 03

  Well, in my experience, the more conservative looking the man is from the outside, the more extreme.

• 23:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I'm a, I got kinks. I've got major kinks.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  Exactly. So I think we go like full whole hog, cock and ball torture, full penis split, and then a trans scrotal with, uh,

• 23:45Conan O'Brien?

  What's a trans scrotal?

• 23:46Speaker 03

  A 10 mil steel ring in it.

• 23:49Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, that's gonna hold me up at the TSA. What, uh, what is?

• 23:54Speaker 02

  What is a trans scrotal?

• 23:56Conan O'Brien?

  And that's the only downside I can see.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:59Conan O'Brien?

  Sir, did you remove your keys? I did. But I have two penises and I have a bicycle lock jam through my scrotum.

• 24:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:08Conan O'Brien?

  Could that be the problem, sir?

• 24:12Speaker 03

  Or instead of having a trans scrotal, so we can get rid of the metal, we could all always insert an extra set of testicles into your scrotum.

• 24:20Conan O'Brien?

  You know what?

• 24:20Speaker 03

  So you have four.

• 24:21Conan O'Brien?

  Extra set.

• 24:25Conan O'Brien?

  That's being generous.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  I'd settle for a couple of babies.

• 24:29Conan O'Brien?

  I'd take anything right now.

• 24:32Conan O'Brien?

  Jesus Christ.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 24:36Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, so, so, so just so I'm clear, that would be a split penis. So I have two of those and then the, this, the mechanism, the apparatus goes through, uh, both testicles. Is that correct?

• 24:51Speaker 03

  So no, what happens is your scrotum is like this, right?

• 24:54Conan O'Brien?

  Don't assume.

• 24:57Speaker 02

  Have you ever seen Florida?

• 25:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so, so go ahead. So I'm sorry, I'm really trying to understand. So the, what happens to the, the scrotum? Yes, I understand. And what?

• 25:08Speaker 03

  Imagine pushing your little eggs to the side.

• 25:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 25:11Speaker 03

  One each side, right?

• 25:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 25:12Speaker 03

  And then they clamp the skin and they basically drive a scalpel blade through the testicles. And then, you know, like the, the plugs that people have in their ears when they stretch the holes in their ears?

• 25:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 25:23Speaker 03

  It's essentially that, so you can have like a big stretched hole going through your scrotum. But imagine like a big metal ring going like through it.

• 25:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I've imagined it, yeah.

• 25:35Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you something. This whole time that you were describing that, I am gripping my hands together. I just noticed it so tightly that there's no blood in my, I'm literally, this, this is what I'm doing.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 25:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gripping my hands together because when you say you shove the testicles to either side and then, did you have the same reaction, Matt? Do you drive a, you basically take out a Black and Decker drill and you go at the, is it the taint? Are we talking about the taint?

• 26:04Speaker 02

  No, it's not, it's the scrotum.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  I don't even have testicles and I was squirmy when she was, when Grace was describing what happened. I,

• 26:11Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think I could, I don't see the purpose of a split penis. I just don't.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  Well, you're boring. And I feel like, I feel like I'm also boring. Like, I didn't know we could do this to our bodies and I think it's really cool that we can.

• 26:24Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I, a lot of this sounds really fascinating to me. I have no problem with it. I'm talking about me personally. Sona, if in your single days, you got it on with a guy you met at the clubs, because you, you know, you had a, you played it fast and loose and, um,

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:37Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, in a very good, healthy, empowering way.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:41Conan O'Brien?

  But it's, it's time to get to town. Uh, the guy drops his pants and, um, suddenly his penis goes, you know, one goes east, one goes west. Uh, would you, would you freak out?

• 26:51Speaker 02

  And each one is going, pick me, pick me.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Could we rubber band it and then just insert it together? Or do they, when they get erect? I think, I think Grace was saying it just naturally comes together when it gets erect.

• 27:04Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I would want a series of clamps. I would insist on a series of clamps, uh, rubber bands, um, and the occasional use of Elmer's glue.

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, maybe a gasket.

• 27:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  But interestingly, before you answer that, let's make this a two-parter. So come back next time and we can talk more about this with Grace.

• 27:24Conan O'Brien?

  Grace, Grace, you are the gift that keeps on giving.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  Do you mind staying on a little longer, Grace?

• 27:28Conan O'Brien?

  Can you stay on a little longer, Grace? Is that all right?

• 27:30Speaker 03

  Of course. Yeah, absolutely. I'm here as long as you need me.

• 27:34Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 27:51Speaker 02

  Supervising producer Erin Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Dougherty and Lisa Burn. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

• 28:21Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent? That takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:30Conan O'Brien?

  You know?

• 28:30Speaker 01

  You're right.

• 28:31Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 28:35Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 28:37Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but maybe.

• 28:38Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 28:41Speaker 01

  I know, yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 28:43Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters. You can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 29:04Speaker 05

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