How To HEAL From A Toxic Relationship EP 1450

The Summit of Greatness is back! Buy your tickets today – summitofgreatness.comToday, we’re going to discuss how to let go, move on, and heal from a toxic relationship. The right relationship can help lift us up to become the person we’ve always dreamed of becoming. On the other hand, the wrong relationship has the potential to leave us with crippling self-doubt and painful wounds we have to deal with for years to come. First off, if you’re leaving a toxic relationship, you’re probably feeling a lot of different emotions right now. But I want to take a moment and acknowledge you for having the courage to make that jump because it’s a scary one. I know so many people who have stayed in the wrong relationship for far too long – myself included. That’s why I wanted to take time to give you the tools you need to move on to the next chapter of your life with confidence. By the end of this episode, you’ll know:The 5 signs of toxic relationships How to take inventory of your relationship patterns and break themSelf-coaching tools to help you take consistent courageous action in your love lifeAlright, now get out a piece of paper and pencil, and let’s jump right in…In this episode you will learn,The 5 signs of toxic relationshipsHow to take inventory of your relationship patterns and break themSelf-coaching tools to help you take consistent courageous action in your love lifeThe importance of setting healthy boundaries in relationships and how to communicate them effectively. The "Grant Yourself Permission" exercise from the book "The Greatness Mindset" to open your heart up to healthy relationships and personal growth. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1450Want more solo recordings from Lewis? Destroy Laziness Solo – https://link.chtbl.com/1365-guestThrive in a Recession Solo – https://link.chtbl.com/1347-guestHappy Habits Solo – https://link.chtbl.com/1347-guestWatch Dr. Ramani's Episode on Narcissism and Gaslighting Here: https://link.chtbl.com/1196-guest Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

  Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection. I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Josprey Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sincero, and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com/summit2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there. Loving someone who's struggling isn't a bad thing, but it can become a toxic thing if you make yourself responsible for their transformation. You make yourself responsible for their joy, their happiness, their peace, their health. That is a toxic sign. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.

• 1:24Lewis Howes?

  And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 1:40Lewis Howes?

  I'm so glad that you're here today because I just believe the quality of our life is truly related and connected to the quality of our relationships. And sometimes, sometimes, one of the most challenging relationships to have is the relationship with yourself. You may be in great relationships with other people. You may have amazing friends. You may have a great partnership and romantic relationship and parents, but if you treat yourself poorly... I hate to say it, but you are in a toxic relationship with yourself. So make sure you're being aware of this as we go over these signs and you take inventory and we work on the self-coaching tools to support you in taking courageous action in your life,

• 2:25Lewis Howes?

  not only with others and creating boundaries with others, but also in creating boundaries and being aware of the relationship you have with yourself. But let's talk about what a toxic relationship is. Well, the definition is toxic relationships are those where one party seeks control over the other to achieve selfish goals and use the other party for their own benefit. So think back in your life, the relationships you had in your past. Has there been a relationship where someone else has seeked control over you to achieve some type of selfish goals for their own benefit? Maybe they weren't even aware of it.

• 3:10Lewis Howes?

  Maybe it was subconscious, or it was an unconscious thing that they did, but that's what you felt and that's what you experienced. And your experience is valid. Maybe it wasn't intentional, but they were doing it for you and that's what it felt like for you. Or maybe you've done that in the past, whether it be knowing or unknowing, whether you were, you know, dealing with some type of wound and you were unconsciously trying to control someone else to protect your own emotional boundaries and to feel safe. And so you were in some type of control in other areas. And maybe it wasn't malicious or horrible, but in some of it, you were there a part of it as well. So just take inventory and think about it again.

• 3:53Lewis Howes?

  Toxic relationships are those where one party seeks control over the other to achieve selfish goals and use the other party for their own benefit. Now listen again, we are in a relationship because we want to feel connected. We want to feel intimate. We want to feel seen. We want to feel heard. We want to connect and share our life and our journey and adventures with someone else. So in some sense, we are in relationship all to be of benefit. We want to experience something greater than just doing it on our own. But when it's, it becomes toxic when that's not in the other person's mutual benefit as well. So here's five signs of toxic relationships. Number one.

• 4:39Lewis Howes?

  Consistent lying and a foundational process of mistrust. So, think about this, has someone in your life in a relationship, maybe you're currently in or a previous relationship, were they consistently lying or was the foundation a lie? If so, when to move on is if the other person can't or won't commit to honesty. And it might be time to end the relationship then. So again, if you're seeing this happening over and over again, or maybe you just feel like huh, something's off or something just doesn't seem like they're fully opening up to certain things. Confront this individual. It can be in a loving way. You don't have to be mean, but confront

• 5:21Lewis Howes?

  them and say, hey, listen, I just feel like either you've been lying or there are things you said in the beginning were not true and maybe you were trying to protect yourself or maybe you were trying to put yourself in the best light or you wanted to try to protect me. I get it. It's not okay, but you've got to confront the person and say, hey, listen, if you won't commit to honesty from this moment moving forward, that is a sign that you should probably move on if they're not willing to do that because you just cannot have full trust in your heart and really feel safe if the other person is consistently lying. Number two sign of toxic relationship is gaslighting in relationships. And when should you move on if the other person isn't willing to change their ways

• 6:06Lewis Howes?

  or give up power over the relationship? You know, a lot of you've heard about gaslighting more and more these days, especially if you've been listening or watching to the content here on the School of Greatness. We've had some amazing experts come on, Dr. Romany being one of them, talking about what gaslighting is, how to manage gaslighting, how to navigate this and how to be aware of it. And here is Dr. Romany on gaslighting from her interview with us on the School of Greatness. So what is gaslighting?

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Gaslighting is the denial of a person's reality.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  And the taking apart of another person so that they have completely not only given up on their reality, they've given up on themselves. So let me say that in a little bit more of a clear way. Gaslighting is a grooming process. It's not a one-off, right? So let's say a day like today. We'd set up our shoot and everything. And I would say, and we had our time, we were gonna meet the date. And I said, "You never said we were meeting on that day." And you'd be like, "What?" And then you'd go back to your email and say, "No, it's right there," right? But for a minute, you might have doubted yourself. I don't have that much power to gaslight you because we don't really know each other. Maybe you trust me a little, but it would be enough to throw you off for a minute,

• 7:29Speaker 01

  say, "Did I not send that email right?" And you catch yourself, okay? The reason it's called a grooming process is it happens over and over again. "I never said that. I never did that. You're being too sensitive. Stop making such a big deal about that. You really aren't committed to this relationship." And they keep saying things to you that are not your reality. So what do people do when they're gaslighted initially? They defend themselves. "No, no, no. You did. You really did. Like, you said that." Or, "I'm not being too sensitive." And now you're getting more and more worked up, right? And then, you know, they'll say things to you like, "Oh, yikes. Somebody is a little bit crazy." Like, "Have you seen a therapist?" So now what are they doing? Not only they doubted your reality and you're a little off balance,

• 8:14Speaker 01

  then boom, they close it by saying, "There's something wrong with you." And you start believing it.

• 8:21Lewis Howes?

  Oh, wow.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Many people are gaslighted. Will start wondering, "Maybe I'm the narcissist. Maybe I have a mental illness. Maybe I need to get help. There's something wrong with me." And at that point, the gaslighter fully controls this person.

• 8:35Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  That's the process. And so, but initially, the person who's being gaslighted has some level of trust in the gaslighter. Maybe they're in a new relationship together. Maybe this is a family member. Maybe it's a boss or a respected colleague. You gotta have a little of that from the jump. There has to be some skin in the game for someone to be able to gaslight someone. Then they're groomed. Now, let's say the first time someone gaslights you, you say, "Uh, no. Here's the email." This is the time you said we're meeting and don't ever do that to me again. The gaslighter is probably going to move on to a new target.

• 9:07Lewis Howes?

  They'll stop with you.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, because yeah, so they'll say like, uh, this is not a fertile target. I'm going to move on to another one, right? But so early on, when a person or a person says you're being too sensitive, say, no, that's my emotion. Don't you dare play judge and jury on my emotions. I'm sad right now, I'm going to stick with that.

• 9:25Lewis Howes?

  That's a good one.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  That's what I'm talking about, right?

• 9:27Lewis Howes?

  So again, if you haven't checked this out yet, we'll make sure to have resources linked up in the description of this so you can learn more about what gaslighting is. And really, that's a narcissistic tendency and trait that narcissists tend to do more frequently. So just be aware of this. But again, if the other if the other person in your relationship isn't willing to change their ways or give up power over the relationship, that might be a time to move on.

• 9:55Lewis Howes?

  Number three, jealousy and possessiveness. Now, whoo, man, this is a hot topic. This is a button for a lot of people, jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness. When to move on if you ever feel unsafe? Or the other person refuses to acknowledge the problem? It's time to seek help from a professional and probably leave the relationship if they're unwilling to acknowledge it and create a safe environment emotionally in the relationship moving forward. This might take time to process and heal and everyone's journey is a little bit different.

• 10:35Lewis Howes?

  And I remember for probably in my in my teens and my twenties, all the way up until probably my late twenties, early thirties, I was, I wouldn't say overly possessive and jealous, but I definitely had jealous tendencies. And one of that that stems from an insecurity, that stems from a wound, an insecurity.

• 11:02Lewis Howes?

  And a feeling of, oh, what are they doing? Or what happens if they leave me? Or what if I'm not good enough? So I can relate to this because I, I struggled with it. It wasn't like a crippling thing, but I definitely had jealousy based on an insecurity from emotional wounds that I had yet not faced. Now, when I hit 30 years old, many of you've heard this. Uh, if you've listened to my episodes on the School of Greatness for a while, if you've been a listener or a viewer here for a long time, then you've heard me share these stories that I went through a healing journey starting at 30. And when I started to go through that healing journey, it's almost like the insecurities started to fade

• 11:45Lewis Howes?

  as I started to continue to heal. And there just was a time where I just wasn't insecure anymore. And I don't know, almost the last decade, I have just not been insecure or jealous if the other person was out with their girlfriends or if they're, um, you know, out late or who are they hanging out with today? Like, I just stopped worrying about it. I stopped worrying about who's messaging them. I stopped thinking, you know, asking questions about that stuff. And I just really started to trust that, hey, if we are the right match, then we're going to work out. And if we're not the right match and there's someone better for them, then I want what's best for them as well.

• 12:27Lewis Howes?

  And it brought me so much peace when I let go of the jealousy in myself because it's very challenging to be in a relationship when someone is jealous and possessive all the time. It is almost unbearable. It feels like you're suffocating. And I don't know if you can relate to that feeling, if anyone has been overly jealous or over possessive, but it feels like you're suffocating and you have to always be on edge, wondering, okay, why can't I just be myself and they can just trust me? And I've had that with women in the past and the relationships I've been on where they. They were just, I don't know, it just, there was too much jealousy. When there was no need for these things to happen and it feels suffocating. So again, I've been jealous in the past in my teens, in my twenties.

• 13:12Lewis Howes?

  I've experienced it in previous relationships and it is not healthy. It is a sign of a toxic relationship if that is consistently happening. And I know some people will say, well, it's kind of cute when they're a little jealous or possessive early on in the relationship. But I'm telling you, I don't think it is. I really don't think it's cute if someone's jealous or possessive, especially early on when you're just getting to know each other. It's only going to amplify the more intimate you get, the more emotionally connected you are to someone. If they're a little bit jealous in the first three months, they're to become a lot more jealous because a jealous and possessive person

• 13:51Lewis Howes?

  has more to lose the more they invest in a relationship, the more they feel emotionally connected, the more insecure they become. They don't become more secure, they actually become more insecure because they feel deeper. They're dropping their guard even more. If you've added sexual intimacy, there's this chemical bonding. Now they're even more afraid to lose that feeling, to lose that connection. So from my experience, you don't get less jealous and less possessive later in the relationship. It really takes doing the emotional healing work and the security in the own, your own emotional peace inside of you to let go of jealousy and possessiveness.

• 14:36Lewis Howes?

  That's from my experience. That is number three. Number four, no self-care allowed. Again, this is a sign of a toxic relationship. No self-care allowed. So. If you feel like you aren't able to take care of yourself, that's a time to move on. If you consistently don't take care of yourself because you feel like the other person is more important, it may be time to speak with a mental health professional or a relational therapist. Another thing is if someone else doesn't want you to take care of yourself, if they don't want you to go to the gym and work out, they don't want you to be healthy, they don't want you to take time away for you to have alone time.

• 15:20Lewis Howes?

  They don't want you to make sure you're you're eating healthy, that you're doing your prayer, your meditations, the things that you really light up and bring you a lot of joy. If someone else doesn't want you to do that as well, that is a sign that you might be in a toxic relationship. And either again, first have the conversation. I'm not saying break up and move on right away, but have the conversation. Have it with yourself first and be aware and address it and say, huh, it doesn't really feel good. And have it with your partner and say, listen, I want us to be in a relationship where we both get to take care of ourselves individually

• 15:59Lewis Howes?

  and we feel support from one another to be our healthiest, best version of ourselves. Because that is a beautiful conscious relationship. But if you are not able to take care of yourself, it's going to be challenging to take care of others and be your best in the relationship as well. If this resonates with you, if this speaks to you, if you're nodding your head right now, leave a comment in the chat on the description on our YouTube channel, on social media. Let me know that this is resonating with you. And number five, five signs of a toxic relationship.

• 16:39Lewis Howes?

  The fifth one is you want to save them. Who, how many of you want to save your partners? Wow, you know, loving someone who's struggling isn't a bad thing. It can become toxic if you make your responsibility for their transformation. Let me repeat myself. Loving someone who's struggling isn't a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing to support people when we're struggling, when we're going through challenges. There are going to be seasons, days, weeks, maybe months, where your partner is going through challenges, especially if you're together for a long period of time.

• 17:24Lewis Howes?

  There might be some very tragic, hard times to go through. So loving someone who's struggling isn't a bad thing, but it can become a toxic thing. If you make yourself responsible for their transformation, you make yourself responsible for their joy, their happiness, their peace, their health. That is a toxic sign. Ultimately, it is out of your control whether someone wants to grow and wants to change. And it's not your worth staying in a toxic situation, holding on to the hope that you'll save them, that they'll change for you, that they have some potential, and you're just waiting for them to change, and you're putting all this energy into it.

• 18:06Lewis Howes?

  Again, that might be a sign that you have to do some healing. If you're only going after certain partners and you've repeated this pattern over and over again, that you're trying to save people, you're trying to rescue them, you're trying to help them from their struggles. Again, it's a beautiful thing to support your partner when they're going through challenges, to be there for them, to lift them up, to elevate them, to inspire them to grow, to inspire them to be better, to inspire them to stick to their healthy habits, to inspire them to continue to transform. That's a beautiful thing. But expecting them to do it, but we're doing it just because you want to get validation, just because you want to feel like you're in more control, just because you feel like you need to.

• 18:52Lewis Howes?

  That is when you might be needing to have a conversation with yourself and reflecting, but also having a conversation with them. Okay, again, these are the five signs of a toxic relationship, and there are more.

• 19:07Lewis Howes?

  But these are five things that I see that happen a lot with individuals. And I wanted you to be aware of them. So I want you to take inventory of where you currently are. You've heard the five signs, but what do they mean to you personally? So let's take inventory of your relationships and your love life by asking courageous questions. So I want to give you this exercise really quick and take time to answer these three questions for yourself. If you've got your notepad up on your phone, if you've got notes and pen and paper, then write these down. Number one, which of the five signs of toxic relationships show up in your love life the most?

• 19:48Lewis Howes?

  Again, which of the five signs of toxic relationships show up in your love life the most? Write those down and maybe you can just rank them like, okay, these three just check mark of these top three are one of them. Just, just take inventory. The next part of the exercise, what would you do? If you had to change this pattern in the next 30 days? What would you do if you had to change this pattern in the next 30 days? Would you do some self-reflection? Would you do some healing? Would you do some processing? What would you do to take action? Would you create a boundary? Would you have a conversation? What will you do personally?

• 20:29Lewis Howes?

  It's not about what you're going to make someone else do, but what will you do to take accountability for your actions in your life? And the third part of the exercise is what is stopping you from changing this pattern? What is stopping you? What's the fear? What's the concern? What's the excuse? Write it all down. Reflect on this. It's important to be aware of this. And I'm not saying these are easy things to overcome. This is a pattern that you have probably been doing for many, many years. Or you've repeated in relationships many, many times. It doesn't make you bad. It doesn't make you wrong. I just want you to be aware of this because I am committed to you.

• 21:08Lewis Howes?

  Having more peace, more harmony, more emotional agility, more abundance. That is my goal for you. I want you to thrive. I want you to flourish in your intimate relationship. I want you to fully love yourself, love your life, and love your partner's life and love your relationship together. It is a beautiful thing when you have struggled in relationships in your past and you finally get to a place where you feel at peace and harmony with who you are as a human being. And you create an intimate, conscious relationship with someone where you feel like, wow, I'm able to be my full self.

• 21:51Lewis Howes?

  I'm seen and accepted and celebrated for who I am. I don't need to change to make someone else happy. It is an incredible gift to experience that, especially if you've never experienced before. For me, I feel blessed and grateful daily to have created that experience. And it started by me going down the healing journey. It didn't happen by just saying, this person's bad. I'm moving on from this relationship and I'm gonna jump into the next relationship. That's typically not the way this works. Typically, you've got to do the work on yourself. Otherwise, you'll repeat the pattern from previous relationships. It'll just look different because it's a different face in front of you.

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  But again, what is stopping you from changing this pattern? It's interesting because I went through, man, I went through three different relationships in a decade. Three kind of longer-term relationships. And after the last one ended, I really was like, oh, man, okay. I've been doing some of the healing work, but why do I keep repeating this pattern? Why do I keep entering relationships that aren't in alignment of my values, my vision, and my lifestyle? And I realized that a lot of this was still,

• 23:15Lewis Howes?

  I was choosing relationships based on my own personal wound. I was choosing based on a wound instead of based on my values, my vision, and my lifestyle. And anytime I chose from a wound or choosing from... A chemical sexual attraction or some type of some wound that caused that attraction to feel heightened. It wasn't an authentic attraction. It was a wounded attraction. And when I would, when I would start a relationship from that space, it never worked out. It was always a struggle. It was always hard work. It was always a challenge. It was always a breakdown.

• 23:58Lewis Howes?

  It was always an argument, something like that. It just wasn't peaceful. And I reflected in the, after the last relationship ended. And again, I don't, I don't, I don't make wrong any of the partners that I had in my past. I want the best for all them. I hope they're all healthy and happy and I hope they find love in their own way. So this is not a make wrong or a blame of previous relationships. This is a reflection of me that what has changed by taking inventory of the patterns from my previous relationships. And I think that's what we all get to do is take inventory on our individual patterns.

• 24:39Lewis Howes?

  And so when I started to do that, I remember thinking, oh, man, these past three relationships, they all had things in common. Number one, I was attracted based on a wound. Number two, I thought I could help them overcome some challenge. So there was something inside of them that they didn't believe in themselves fully. And I was like, man, you're talented. You're gifted. You've got this masterpiece inside of you. Why don't you see it? So I wanted to show them that they were talented, that they were gifted. And I wanted them to believe it, but they didn't believe it themselves. So no matter how much of me trying to convince them of their gifts,

• 25:22Lewis Howes?

  they weren't able to see themselves gifted. They had some type of insecurity and doubts that were holding them back. And you can't enter a relationship trying to change someone from seeing something that they're not seeing. You could try to inspire them through your way of being. You could be a powerful force for good. You can show up with your habits and hope they rub off on people, but if they don't have that right now, they've got to be the ones to decide they want to make that shift or that transformation or that change. They've got to be ready for it. So you can't jump in there and say, ah, but you, you could be great. You could be amazing if someone's not ready for that in an intimate relationship. And so that was one thing that I I realized. And also, again, I didn't I didn't enter relationships

• 26:08Lewis Howes?

  asking the challenging questions upfront. It was more fun and, you know, exciting and just kind of like not surface level, but I would say it'd be more like, I don't know, it's hard to it's hard to explain it fully here, but it was more. It was less from a spiritual foundation. Let's say that. And so when I reflected on this, I was able to actually take inventory of the previous three relationships I was in. I was like, oh, man, they all had this pattern that I chose from. And I realized, okay, I'm not, I'm going to do the opposite of this pattern moving forward. I'm going to do the opposite of all these patterns moving forward.

• 26:52Lewis Howes?

  And it's been an incredible journey and experience. Just having that awareness. And you've got to have the courage, you know, if you're used to doing something one way, doing it another way is scary. It's hard. It's challenging. What if the person doesn't accept me? What if there was more arguments? What if there's more challenge? What if there's more stress? Well, if that's the case, then that's probably not the right match for you. But when I led with my values, my vision, my lifestyle, and I said, this is who I've been. This is who I am. This is who I'm going to be in relationships. And I said, and I'm not going to change this. I'm going to evolve. I'm going to grow. I'm going to transform.

• 27:30Lewis Howes?

  But I'm not going to change who I am to make one person happy. I'm not going to change my values, my vision, my lifestyle for one person to be happy. Because if you're not happy with me, we're not the right match. I should fully accept who you are. I should fully be okay with your past and not blame you, not judge you, not make you wrong for that. And I should fully accept based on what you tell me the truth is for what you want and your values, your vision, and your life for the future. If I'm not in alignment with that, then we are probably not the right match. Now, it doesn't mean everything has to be perfect. But if we're not in alignment on these core fundamental things.

• 28:15Lewis Howes?

  Then it just might mean we may not be the right fit and that's okay. That's okay. You can still like someone and have fun with them and connect with them and may not be a life partner. You might just have a love story for a few weeks, but it may not be the right life partner for you and that's okay. So it's been an amazing thing because when I shifted that, everything in my life started to shift. I've been in a beautiful, conscious, almost two-year relationship now with Martha and it has been a game changer because we both accepted the other person for who they were at their core. I don't try to change her. She doesn't try to change me.

• 28:56Lewis Howes?

  However, we both have agreements, conscious agreements and boundaries that we've created to support us in thriving in our relationship and it has been the most healing, game-changing experience I've ever felt in my life. I feel so much peace because of that. Now, healing unhealthy relationship patterns, again, they can be extremely scary because you're going out into the unknown. But pursuing greatness in your relationships is always worth it. And I can tell you, after being in relationships where again, I don't blame anyone that I was with, but me choosing relationships not based on values, vision and lifestyle, and then feeling stuck or trapped or not fully accepted in these relationships to now feeling peace.

• 29:41Lewis Howes?

  It is a game changer. I have so much more energy to pursue my mission because I'm not trying to manage or fix, you know, stressful relationships that I was once in and I take full responsibility for all of that. An idea that I wanted to share with you is this quote from my book. It says, "It will mean giving it your all, taking courageous action, but then letting go of the results. The results may not be what you expect them to be. They may be better or they may just be different and that's okay." I love this message within The Greatness Mindset, my, my recent book. If you've already got a copy, then maybe you've seen that quote in there.

• 30:25Lewis Howes?

  It's on page 12 of The Greatness Mindset. But again, you've got to be willing to take courageous action. You've got to be willing to say, man, I'm going to lean into my values, my vision and my lifestyle. I'm going to be fully in ownership of my communication with the people that I'm dating or hanging out with or exploring a relationship with. And they may not all accept or like me, and that's okay. It's going to be scary. People may say, oh, you're not the right fit for me. That's exciting. That should excite you. Don't shift or conform who you are to try to get people to like you or be pleased by you. That's when you're going to fall into a trap later on. It may be fun and exciting for six months, but then you realize you're resentful

• 31:10Lewis Howes?

  because the person doesn't fully accept you. So be as honest as you can about who you are, your values, your vision, your life, your dreams, your goals, and if they accept you or not. Make sure you take that courageous action. And you've got to be taking that action in healing your past as well. If you can create peace with your past, I'm telling you, your present and your future will be abundant and it will be joyful. But you've got to be willing to take that courageous action for yourself. Otherwise, you'll keep repeating that pattern you've always been in. So I want to share more about setting healthy boundaries and what I like to call

• 31:54Lewis Howes?

  the granting yourself permission exercise. So one of the things that has really supported me in, in my current relationship with Martha and for her is for both of us setting healthy boundaries. This is a beautiful thing in conscious relationships. Unconscious relationships has uncommunicated expectations based on whatever, your past, your model of your parents, what you did in previous relationships. Expecting someone else to live up to a certain role within a relationship. Without your communicating it is kind of crazy. And we've probably all done it. So this is not a blame or make wrong. It's just not the way that conscious relationships work.

• 32:37Lewis Howes?

  So in setting healthy boundaries, they are the foundation of healthy relationships and inner peace. If you want to feel peace, if you want to feel like your soul is living in a beautiful garden, is living in a, a pond with lily pods and with a, a trickling waterfall and with a jungle of nature and sounds and harmony all around you. That is creating healthy boundaries and communicating to have inner peace. We can't just create them. We need to communicate our boundaries.

• 33:21Lewis Howes?

  We need to make sure that the people in our lives are clear about the boundaries that we have. And we express ourselves the moment that they are crossed. It doesn't mean you have to get loud and scream and cry and yell. When someone crosses a boundary, they may be completely unaware of your boundaries. So when it comes up for you, just say, okay.

• 33:45Lewis Howes?

  Whew, all right, I'm feeling something inside. I don't really like this, so let me just communicate it. Let me communicate it calmly, like an adult. And communicate, hey, you know, this is not about you. This is about something that I prefer and that I like. And my request is that we don't do this anymore. My request is that we don't have these conversations late at night, that we do them during the day when we both have energy. My request is that, you know, I get my alone time when I need it and you're okay with it. And you're not worried or concerned about it. My request is this, again, the more you communicate from a conscious, loving way.

• 34:24Lewis Howes?

  The better the relationship will be. We must be clear with the people we love about our boundaries and express ourselves the moment they're across. You know, it's interesting, when I was starting my current relationship with Martha, we both talked about this. We both talked about boundaries and the power of them. And one of the things that has allowed us to feel such a sense of peace is that when each of us felt like, huh, that didn't feel too good, or I don't really like that stuff, communication, or I need more space here and there, we just talked about it openly, calmly, lovingly. And one of the things that really resonates for me, and I think resonates for her, is when we talk about boundaries, it's not looked at as like a bad thing, like, oh, you did this thing, and it doesn't make

• 35:09Lewis Howes?

  me feel good. The way we communicated is, oh, my gosh, I love our relationship. You do such, you do such a great job of just making me feel seen and supported and accepted. And I, and I love how you just show up in these ways. And, and also, I'd like to make a request. You know, for whatever reason, I just, I like my alone time in the mornings, or, you know, I just want to have more kind of relaxation time at nights. So my request is this. And when you structure the boundary-setting conversation with appreciation, number one, I'm grateful for you because of this, this, and this. And then you say, you know, just something I want to do for, for me is really create, you know, more boundaries in this

• 35:52Lewis Howes?

  area. For whatever reason, it's just, I just struggle in this, and I want to improve it. But in the meantime, my goal is that we create this type of boundary. And it'll really help me continue to dive into our relationship, to show for you more fully, being more present. And, and I'll feel a lot better if we can create this boundary. And this is my request. I think when we make requests based on appreciation, not, you did this thing, and it really hurt me and upset me, and my boundary is this, the other person's going to be on guard. They're going to be in defense mode. They're going to feel like, man, they're ungrateful for all that I do for them, and they're just creating this boundary and getting mad at me? That is not a conscious way of communication. So again, when you're creating boundaries, do your best.

• 36:37Lewis Howes?

  To communicate from a conscious standpoint, again, lead with gratitude, lead with appreciation, lead with what you love about the relationship. And then you can add in the boundary that you're requesting to create and see if the person is okay with it. Hey, is this boundary work for you? And if not, what can we do that we both feel good in this situation moving forward? So we both don't feel, so we both feel at ease, we feel we understand each other, we trust, we accept, we love one another. That's really the key to this. And again, these five signs of toxic relationship. One, consistently lying or having a foundational process of mistrust. Number two, gaslighting in relationships.

• 37:20Lewis Howes?

  And make sure to check out the resource section in the description below this video or audio podcast, so you can see more about this. Number three, jealousy and possessiveness. Again, it might seem cute in the first few months of a relationship, but typically those things don't diminish, they only get stronger, and that is a big red flag of a toxic relationship. Number four, no self-care allowed. If you don't want your partner to feel their best self, or take time for self, or you don't feel like you can do that, it's time to have a conversation. Number five, you want to rescue and save them. Who, again, loving someone who's struggling isn't a bad thing, but it can get really

• 38:02Lewis Howes?

  toxic if also you're trying to do, or that's all they're trying to do for you. So again, I hope you guys got value from this, and please let me know in the comments below on YouTube, or send me a message over on Instagram and tag me what the biggest takeaway from this episode was for you, and make sure to share it with a friend. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on

• 38:47Lewis Howes?

  Social media or text a friend, leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.