STOP Trying to Be Calm. This Is How You Actually Handle Emotional People

Being told to “calm down” never actually makes you calmer. In this episode, I unpack what “calm” really means in conversation—and why it often backfires. Instead of aiming for a blank-slate calm, I’ll show you how to create a grounded connection—a way to stay present, regulate your emotions, and still lean into the conversation with honesty. And stick around until the end, because I’ll give you three powerful comebacks you can use the next time someone tells you to “calm down.” Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Fabric by Gerber Life: Apply in minutes at https://meetfabric.com/JEFFERSON BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTokFollow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:26Jefferson Fisher?

  Calm? You want me to calm down? Is that what you said? If anybody's told you that you need to just calm down, have you ever felt like that has actually calmed you down? No, never. In today's episode, we're going to dive deep into what exactly is calm? And what's even better, grounded connection when it comes to difficult conversations. And as a bonus, at the end of today's episode, I'm going to tell you exactly what to say when somebody tells you to calm down. All that and more, coming right up. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask that you please follow this podcast. That means wherever you are listening,

• 1:10Jefferson Fisher?

  find the button that says subscribe and click it. It's not a forever promise. It is a promise by me, and that is to make sure that I make content that is going to make you a better communicator. And if you subscribe to this podcast and if you listen to these episodes, my promise is that I'm going to make you a better communicator. Thank you very much. Today's episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. As you know, on this podcast, I love Cozy Earth. And what I'm really enjoying right now in this Texas heat, we're still not in winter yet. It's still boiling hot and humid here, is bed sheets. What I love about Cozy Earth is that their bed sheets are unlike anything that I've ever felt. And I'm at the age where

• 1:51Jefferson Fisher?

  I really appreciate towels and good bed sheets. It's just, you know, you can tell the difference if you're going to be in a bed that feels good or not. I can't get enough of Cozy Earth, and I encourage you to give it a try. And their money-back guarantee and their trial period is fantastic. So go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off your order. 40% off. cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. Will you just calm down? If there's one thing that will send me through the roof... Is when somebody tells me to calm down and I'm betting if you're listening to me wherever you're listening right now, you've had somebody say, will you just calm down? You calm down, please.

• 2:33Jefferson Fisher?

  And the last thing you want to do is to calm down. Why does that happen? Several reasons, most of which it has to do with them trying to tell you what to do. And in that point in time, that's the last thing you want to do. We never, if I were to tell you, you can't do that. What's the first thing you think of? Yeah, I can. When somebody says to calm down, what do you think? Calm? You think this is, you think this isn't calm? You just wait. You think this is upset? You think this is yelling? That's what you hear a lot of the time. It gets emotional and it gets fierce and it gets aggravated and frustrated in a very quick way. I want to turn the tables a little bit and talk specifically about calmness in a way

• 3:16Jefferson Fisher?

  that you may have, may have never thought before. So let's picture it, you're in a conversation with somebody and it's getting heated in some sense and you try and tell yourself, or they try and tell you, I just, I just need you to calm down for a little bit. What does that mean? What is calm? Calm is really the absence of reaction. Sure, there are synonyms. We could say it's something serene and makes you feel this moment of, of peace. But when it comes to conversation, what does calm really mean? Calm, how I see it, and I practice it and I teach it, is calm is a state of, of mind that helps regulate your body.

• 4:01Jefferson Fisher?

  That can be produced when you're, you're breathing, you're slowing things down, which what does that do? Calms your nervous system and allows you to experience the feeling of calm. Calm is a feeling. It is not an action, right? I know there are people say you need to calm yourselves. What they're really is, what they're really saying is you need to find the feeling of calmness to that. And that's very difficult in a lot of these heated conversations. And when you are having these tough moments, sometimes the worst thing you can do is to have an absence of reaction. Say you're talking to me about something and it's very important to you and I'm just blank slate and I go, yeah, okay.

• 4:44Jefferson Fisher?

  Okay. How is that gonna make you feel in that moment? You're gonna think, "Oh, he's apathetic. He doesn't care. He's indifferent. He's blank. He does not care. I am not being met here." Right? So, there are so many times that calmness can actually, in difficult conversations, make things worse. I'm not saying at all, I want to make sure I distinguish this. I'm not saying that you don't want to be calm. The state of mind, calmness is great. But sometimes, in certain circumstances, calmness shows an indifference to what's really happening. And, to be truthful, calmness is really hard to reach when you're in those

• 5:27Jefferson Fisher?

  trench conversations where you feel like you are knuckled up and you're just trying to hang on in a very bad argument. What I want to switch your mindset to is this element of grounded connection. Cool, so number one, what I want to stick with this podcast is sometimes calm isn't all that helpful. What's better is grounded connection. Grounded connection. What do I mean by that? I wasn't meaning to be grounded. Grounded means, in my opinion, to be in it. I'm in it with you, and I'm stable. I'm recognizing my emotions. In fact, I'm recognizing that I'm not all that calm. I'm recognizing that I'm frustrated. That's being grounded. That's being self-aware of what's actually happening.

• 6:11Jefferson Fisher?

  So if you and I were in a conversation, what would you rather prefer? Me being calm and going, "Yes, I understand. I hear you." Versus me showing some grounded connection, me showing a little bit more emotion, saying, "I understand. You know what? I'm upset about that too. I get it. I think you're right to feel that way." You hear how now I'm almost invested with you? I'm showing a little bit more, I'm not being calm, I'm not being absent of reaction. I'm leaning into the conversation. What does that mean? When you say lean in? I am using my body language, in my words, to show progress and momentum and to build with you in the conversation. So one is, instead of thinking calm, I want you to think grounded connection.

• 6:55Jefferson Fisher?

  Because often people find that they struggle with calmness. Me too. Everybody does. It's our biology. We go, "I gotta get calm." And we can't. Sometimes your body just takes over and your brain doesn't stop. You have racing thoughts. Grounded connection. Is usually what we're looking for in conversation because I can be upset with you and still connect with you. I can make sure this really affects me. I can have some voice to say this is, I need to tell you what's really bothering me. What's bothering me is this. I can say that without being calm and still yet connect with you. Don't feel like connection is nothing but serene, calm, a lake with swans and a symphony. That's not what it is. Right? Connection is where

• 7:38Jefferson Fisher?

  I can look you eye to eye. I can look you in the face and say, this is how I'm feeling and I'm going to be here to receive how you're feeling. And in that, we're going to connect in a way that's going to make us stronger, the relationship stronger, the conversation stronger. Two, how do we do that? How do we do that? I touched on it just a minute ago. The absence of reaction when you just have this blank slate look and you look like you could really care less. Ever been in a conversation and somebody's just not wanting to look at you? Or maybe they're looking away and they're not in it. I'm not saying that, like me, for example, a lot of times I might look off if

• 8:19Jefferson Fisher?

  I'm thinking. I am an internal processor. My wife is an external processor. And sometimes we have to distinguish between, you know, I'm here, I'm listening, but I don't, I like processing information in my head. And sometimes that doesn't mean I have to maintain eye contact the whole time if my brain is registering and processing information. The big difference, you don't want to be somebody who is arms crossed, positioning themselves away and go, no, I'm just, I'm staying calm in this conversation. Well, then you feel like they're not really in it and then you're by yourself. And then what does that trigger? Abandonment. Ever felt abandoned in conversations? Happens all the time. So think of ways that you can remain grounded and connected

• 9:03Jefferson Fisher?

  in the conversation. One is a slower tone that helps even when you're angry. I can be angry with you and still slow down my words. So instead of me saying, "I cannot believe that you're doing this. I can't believe you would say that." Versus me doing that going, "I cannot believe that you," whatever that is. You hear how just me slowing it down makes it feel like every time I'm talking with you, I am putting one foot in front of the other, right? I'm grounding my feet in how I feel and how I want to communicate. All right? Number three, when it comes to being grounded, there is a sense of detachment, not from feelings,

• 9:47Jefferson Fisher?

  but a sense of detachment of understanding that you are the observer of the conversation rather than the distracted participant. Ever felt like sometimes you're in a conversation or somebody else is in a conversation with you and they have blinders on? You know, the things that are either side of your head, that they're narrowly focused. They refuse to see the big picture of things. If you want to have a state of connection and being grounded, you have to have a 360 eye view. You have to be thinking not about this conversation, but about the conversation that could be happening six months from now, next week, maybe a year from now. Whatever the... See, it's the long play in conversations

• 10:31Jefferson Fisher?

  because they always continue to come up. Even people you don't talk to anymore, you know what happens with those conversations? They still exist. Where? In your head. They replay over and over. I bet you can think of things that you told a stranger that you really regret. And I bet there's a stranger out there that probably regrets things that they said, and you have no idea. There are people out there who remember saying something to you or something that you did, and you have no memory of it whatsoever. Now, before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about something that I'm thankful for and what gives me peace of mind is knowing that if something ever happened to my family, my kids, that they would be taken care of. Why? Because that's what life insurance is really about. Making sure that the people that depend on me also have a peace of mind.

• 11:13Jefferson Fisher?

  Fabric by Gerber Life is term life insurance that you can get done today. Made for busy parents like you, like me, all online, all on your schedule, right from your own couch. You could be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required. So if you're young and healthy, now's the time to lock in low rates. Even if you have coverage through work... It may not be enough, and it may not follow you if you change your job. So Fabric makes it simple. Flexible, high-quality policies that fit your family and your budget, like a million dollars, and coverage for less than a dollar a day. They've partnered with Gerber Life, trusted by millions of families for over 50 years. Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family.

• 11:55Jefferson Fisher?

  Apply today in just minutes at meetfabric.com/jefferson. That's meetfabric.com/jefferson. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company. Not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. And now, let's get back to the episode. Okay, to wrap up, calm, often seen as an absence of emotion when it comes to conversation. And sometimes that's not what you need. What you need, and what's a little bit better, is grounded connection, where I can be in it with you and show my emotions. And that way, we're going to end up with a stronger relationship, rather than feeling like you've disconnected from them. Cool? Makes sense? I love it. I get nerdy about this kind of stuff. Now, I promised at the end of today's episode,

• 12:40Jefferson Fisher?

  I'm going to tell you what to do when somebody tells you to calm down. You ready? Number one, say, "No." No. Somebody tells you to calm down, you respond, "No." I get to decide what to do with that information. I get to decide how to respond. I get to decide how to react to that. Don't let somebody else try to tell you what to do with information that you're receiving. That's not their job. Your feelings aren't for them. So if somebody says, "Will you just calm down?", I want you to say, "No." I get to decide what to do with that information. My feelings are not for your comfort. Cool? Number two, if somebody tells you to calm down, what I like to say is, "For who?"

• 13:25Jefferson Fisher?

  For who? I mean, calm down for me, or calm down for you? A lot of people feel discomfort when you're upset. They want you to stop, because it doesn't feel right to them. And so usually if I say, "What, I mean, calm down for me, or calm down for you?" It's an easy way to point out what you're really saying is, you're wanting me to make you feel better. Number three is related to that. And what I say is, "You want me to be calm, or are you saying be quiet?" Be calm or be quiet?

• 13:52Jefferson Fisher?

  Most of the time, people are really wanting you just to be quiet. And by saying that, I'm letting them know you have no authority here. I know what you're trying to get after. You can't just deliver information and then try to put me in a box of limit my processes, limit my feelings or emotions, or how I handle and analyze this information. You don't get to put me in a box with that. And that's what to do when somebody tells you to calm down. Calming down, grounded connection, great stuff. I love it. As always, you can try that and follow me.

• 14:32Speaker 02

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