How to Master Small Talk & Why We Do Things Without Knowing Why- SYSK Choice

Is there a reason we have eyebrows? Pretty much every part of the human body has a reason for being there and eyebrows actually have three reasons. I begin this episode by explaining what they are. https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/58424/why-do-we-have-eyebrows Every relationship in your life started with small talk. Personal or professional, every encounter begins this way. Yet, as important as it is, a lot of people hate small talk and think they are not very good at it. Here with some great advice is Debra Fine. She is one of the foremost experts on small talk and she is author of the book, The Fine Art of Small Talk (https://amzn.to/3wSdl3t). She has some simple techniques that will make anyone more comfortable making small talk. Have you ever done something or said something and later wondered why you did it? It turns out that a lot of what drives human action and reaction can be hard to figure out. Here to explain why that happens is Helena Boschi. She is a psychologist and author of a book called Why We Do What We Do (https://amzn.to/3RE47kL). Listen as she reveals some of the inner workings of your brain that cause you to do things that seem hard to understand. When people take liquid medicine, it is common to just grab a spoon out of the silverware drawer to measure it. This is not a good idea. Listen as I explain a few common mistakes people make when taking medicines at home that can really mess things up. https://www.hmpgloballearningnetwork.com/site/pln/blogs/pln/michael-cawley-pharmd-rrt-cpft-fccm/december-31-2014/medication-errors-among-children-are Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mike Carruthers?

  Gifts mean more when they have the power to give more. They can inspire more discovery, give more confidence, and unwrap more of who you are. This Black Friday, give a gift that goes beyond the box. The Dell XPS 13 Laptop. With a beautiful design and cutting-edge performance, it helps you unlock more possibilities. It's the thinnest, lightest XPS laptop yet, with touchscreen, a backlit keyboard, and long-lasting battery life to power you through your day. Built with a durable aluminum chassis, weighing just 2.2 pounds, and Intel Core processors,

• 0:42Mike Carruthers?

  it's fast, reliable, and portable enough to keep up wherever you go. Visit dell.com to explore the possibilities with XPS. While shopping, you'll also find great perks like Dell Rewards, fast, free shipping, premium support, and financing with flexible payment options. Plus, you can find great deals on monitors and accessories. That means you can score a whole new setup now for less. This Black Friday sale is one you don't want to miss. Head to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 1:27Mike Carruthers?

  Today on Something You Should Know, why do you have eyebrows? Well, there are three reasons. Then, small talk. It's really important to be good at it, and we're just not.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  We ask these rhetorical questions and don't expect an answer, so we fall into these ruts. "How you doing, Mike?" "Good." "How are you, Deborah?" "Good." "What's new?" "Nothing." "What's new with you?" "Nothing." I mean, jeez, where are we headed with this? That's where small talk needs a little help.

• 1:55Mike Carruthers?

  Also, if you use a teaspoon from your silverware drawer to take medicine, that's a problem. And why you do what you do and think the way you think. For instance...

• 2:07Speaker 02

  The key thing to remember is the brain is negatively wired. And when we hear things about any bad news or receive negative feedback, it sticks, it becomes very cognitively sticky in the brain, and it takes quite a lot to dislodge this.

• 2:22Mike Carruthers?

  All this today on Something You Should Know. I imagine most of us shop for clothes online, at least some of the time. And there's always that little mystery. Is what shows up at your door actually going to look like what you think you ordered? We've all had that experience. I know my wife has ordered dresses that look beautiful in the pictures, but when they arrived, eh, not so beautiful. Cheap looking, disappointing. And that's one of the reasons we've become such big fans of Quince. When we order from Quince, we are confident we're going to get something really nice. The quality is consistently good and the prices are surprisingly reasonable.

• 3:06Mike Carruthers?

  I've bought their cashmere sweaters, which are gorgeous, and they start at just $60 for cashmere. My wife buys tons of stuff from Quince and we keep coming back. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen, offering prices 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And with the holidays coming, that's a pretty compelling combination. Beautiful clothes and gifts without spending a fortune or wondering what's really going to show up at the door. I really do recommend Quince. It's one of those companies that has earned our trust. Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com.

• 3:51Mike Carruthers?

  Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, please let them know it was something you should know. It's the best way to support the show.

• 4:22Mike Carruthers?

  Hi, welcome. There's a really interesting website, I don't know if you've ever seen it, called Mental Floss. It's just full of really interesting information. And I just came across this thing about why we have eyebrows I'd like to share. And it turns out there are three reasons we have eyebrows. First, they protect your eyes. The shape of the brow ridge and the outward growing hair of the brow channel sweat, rain, and moisture away from your eyeballs, so your vision stays clear. They can also catch dust and shield your eyes from sun glare. Secondly, eyebrows are essential for nonverbal communication. Scientists who study facial expression say eyebrows are important for expressing happiness,

• 5:07Mike Carruthers?

  surprise, and anger. Thirdly, eyebrows act as an ID card. Eyebrows stand out against the forehead and can clearly be seen from a distance. Eyebrows don't change very much over time, making them perfect for identifying people. And that is something you should know.

• 5:30Mike Carruthers?

  A lot of people will tell you, I've heard a lot of people say that they hate small talk. It's boring, it's pointless, often awkward. Well, maybe, but perhaps it doesn't have to be. In fact, small talk may be quite valuable, even rewarding, if you look at it and do it the way Debra Fine does. Deborah is the author of the all-new revised edition of the book, The Fine Art of Small Talk. Hi Deborah, welcome to Something You Should Know.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  Thanks so much, Mike. I'm glad to be here.

• 6:01Mike Carruthers?

  So, everybody has their own kind of idea of what small talk is, and it does have kind of a negative connotation to it, like small talk means it doesn't matter, it's just small talk, and it's like, you know, a bubble that pops, it goes away. What's your definition of small talk?

• 6:19Speaker 01

  I agree with you that a small talk is definitely demeaned as just a waste of saliva. However, I believe that small talk is the appetizer for any relationship. When you look at your social relationships, your romantic relationships, your business relationships, they probably started with small talk and then grew deeper. And/or that you started in a business conversation such as we are having now. This is a business conversation, there has been no small talk. If we have any hopes of developing a friendship or a business relationship, then it reverts back to small talk in order to accomplish that. Small talk is the appetizer for relationships.

• 7:04Mike Carruthers?

  Yet, a lot of people, and I guess I put myself in this category. I don't really like, quote, "small talk" in the sense that it just, as you say, every relationship starts with small talk, but not every conversation with small talk ends up in a relationship. In fact, most don't. So, in essence, seems like a waste of time a lot of the time.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  But, you know, I don't have statistics to prove what I'm about to say, Mike. But, and I know where you're coming from. I used to be an engineer and I had, I was no fan of small talk. I didn't like chit-chatting with people. I got down to business. A part of that was my discomfort with it, too. But, small talk, I think about everyone that's listening, think about the relationships in your life, the person that is your romantic interest. When you went on that first date, even if you started with a virtual via texting app, if your skills in small talk were lousy when you came face to face, I bet it was an excruciating date and I'm surprised it took the journey into a real relationship.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  The same goes in business, Mike. I think that people do business with their friends and you cannot form or cultivate a connection or friendship with someone without introducing small talk. Now, small talk doesn't have to just be about the weather or sports. It can be something as simple as... One of my favorite ways to get to know someone is to ask someone like yourself or anyone, what keeps you busy outside of your work? Because that's, Mike, I Google stalked you before going on this program because I'm always prepared with conversation. I didn't find out a lot about you outside of your business and your work history. So if I had a chance to have a cup of coffee with you before we launched into another interview or some business collaboration, I would say to you, what keeps you busy outside of your work?

• 8:56Speaker 01

  In order to foster some kind of true relationship with you. And I don't think that's a waste of saliva because I would like to get to know you or anybody else I'm with unless they're a class A jerk or abusive in some way. But that goes for your kid's teacher. Don't you want to know them a little better beyond the parent back to school night situation? Don't you want to know the person sitting next to you when you're watching the kid's soccer game and/or you volunteer for an organization that's dear to your heart and you either want to cultivate connections with fellow volunteers and/or bring in new volunteers? Well, small talk comes in handy for that, Mike.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  There's lots of ways you can use the tools of small talk in a sincere and genuine way to bring those connections into your life.

• 9:44Mike Carruthers?

  So let's talk about the tools of small talk because I love that idea of asking someone what they do outside of work. You know, I mean, I don't, I don't talk a lot about it in my business and that's why you didn't find much about it. But that's a great question to ask because it makes people think and, and you know, people love to talk about themselves. So that's probably going to be a real conversation opener.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Right. And also, I don't, I'm not opposed to asking, what do you do? Especially at an industry conference or I'm at a meeting waiting for it to begin and our vice president is about to launch into whatever. You know, then you say, well, what do you do for the organization or what, what's your connection with work? But outside of that, I could be at a, a party and meet someone's spouse, partner, whomever, and just say, I will say to him, her, they, what keeps you busy? It's this, it's this, it's the same idea. What keeps you busy outside of work? But now I'm at a party, I'm not sure, do they stay at home with their kids? Are they retired? Are they in transition? So just what keeps you busy? The goal is to find something that you are willing to talk about, about yourself without putting you on the spot.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  I'm not going to ask you, Mike, are you married? Because what if you say no? Where are we headed with this conversation? And I'm not going to ask you, do you have any kids? People do that, you know, do you have any kids? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow this down. First of all, if they don't have kids, you're headed down a rabbit hole. Secondly, if they do have kids, they probably won't shut up. So either way.

• 11:16Mike Carruthers?

  So what are the other tools of small talk besides that? Rather great question, but what else works? Because as you say, sometimes as the conversation is going down the highway, you smack into a dead end and it's like, oh, now what are we going to talk about? Or, you know, why did I ask that? Or, boy, this is going nowhere. So how do you keep it on the rails?

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Okay, so I have a couple of ideas and tools for that. Mike, one is what I call digging in deeper. So I happen to be married. When my husband walks in at the end of my workday today, he'll probably say to me, how was your day? Right, Moni, how are you? Right, is now everyone that's listening that has a spouse or partner, that's what we say to one another. And it becomes rhetorical, Mike. It's like we just mean hello, right? If I ask you how your weekend was, it means hello. If I say, how's the project? It just means hello. It's people aren't really asking for a response. They're just throwing out these rhetorical questions. So when my husband asks how my day is, how's your day, Deborah?

• 12:25Speaker 01

  I'll say, pretty good, because I'm not certain he's interested, Mike. If he then digs in deeper with one more question, so what'd you have on your plate today, Deborah? Or tell me about, you know, what you worked on today. Then I know my husband genuinely wants to talk about my day rather than the fact that the Denver Broncos just hired a new coach, which is what is on his mind only at this moment. So digging in deeper is saying to somebody, how are the kids? Good. So what's new with the kids since the last time we spoke? That's a digging in deeper question. How's the project going, Joe? Oh, pretty good. So what's been the greatest challenge? That's the digging in deeper question. How was your vacation? Oh, it was great.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Oh, what did you enjoy the most? What was the highlight? What did you think of the speaker today? Oh, good. So what was your number one takeaway? I mean, I could go on and on, Mike, and I'm sure you don't want me to. So that's an example of digging in deeper. And it's critical, especially these days, because in North America, we ask these rhetorical questions and don't expect an answer. So we fall into these ruts. How you doing, Mike? Good. How are you, Deborah? Good. What's new? Nothing. What's new with you? Nothing. I mean, geez, where are we headed with this? That's where small talk needs a little help.

• 13:46Mike Carruthers?

  So besides digging deeper, what else?

• 13:49Speaker 01

  What else? Playing the conversation game. So if you ask most people, what's been going on? Let me just throw that out there so your listeners can answer in their own heads. Or out loud, what's been going on?

• 14:01Mike Carruthers?

  Nothing.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  Mike, we didn't even rehearse that. That's amazing, because that's what most of us say. Nothing or not much. Mike, I don't know you, as I mentioned. I just can't believe it. I mean, I bet you a full day is busy. And whatever else goes on in your life, you're busy, right? You're busy. You've got stuff going on. But we say nothing or not much for two reasons. Number one, because we're lazy. We can't, we don't take the time to think of something else. We don't work hard and invest in conversation. The other reason we say nothing or not much is because there is so much going on that we can't think of what it is. So here's my suggestion. When you have the time.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Now, today, before we started our interview, I believe you asked me how I was. I sensed that you didn't mean it, that you wanted to get down to business. And so I went, I didn't play the conversation game. I didn't do what I would have done if you and I met for coffee. If you and I met for coffee and you said, how you doing? I would have said, well, I'm, I'm great. You know, it's been literally below zero freezing in Denver the past week. And the sun is out today and we're up to 45 degrees. That would be my answer to give you something to talk about. We could talk about the weather or the weather where you're at. Now, let me take it to another step. Someone says, how are you? If you want to connect with them because you're waiting for a meeting to begin,

• 15:30Speaker 01

  give them a sentence. Well, my, I'm doing great. You know, this weekend, I'm really looking forward to a visit from my brother. Well, where does your brother live? You know, why does he live a different place than you live? Like, how did you come to live here? If you don't give me something in a sentence, when my grown-up children, adult children, say to me, "How's it going, Mom?" They probably don't mean it, Mike, okay? They probably don't mean it. But when they say, "How's it going?", I always play the conversation game. "Oh, it's great. I did a podcast with this gentleman. He literally has over a million downloads." I mean, podcasts are so popular these days, and everybody's got one, but this guy has one that's concrete, that's solid, that's successful. It was amazing. And then I stop. If they're interested, they'll ask me about it.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  If they're not interested, they'll go, "That's nice, Mom. You know, can you help me with..." Fill in the blank. So playing the conversation is critical. When somebody asks, "What's new? How's it going? How's the project? How've you been? Could you please give me an answer in a sentence so we now have something to talk about?"

• 16:33Mike Carruthers?

  We're discussing small talk with one of the real experts on the topic. It's Deborah Fine. She's author of the book, "The Fine Art of Small Talk." This episode is sponsored by Vinted. You know, I remember interviewing an organizing expert who offered this really clever trick for figuring out which clothes you should get rid of. You go to your closet, and you look at the clothes hanging there. And chances are, the ones toward the middle are the clothes you wear most often. But the clothes pushed way over to the left or the right, some of those you probably haven't worn in years. And yet, there they hang, taking up space. But here's the thing. You could turn those clothes into money. That's where Vinted comes in.

• 17:18Mike Carruthers?

  Vinted is a second-hand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer wear and make some extra money. Listing on Vinted is so quick and simple. And when something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And here's what I really like. Vinted charges no seller fees. So whatever you earn from selling your clothes, you keep. Think about that. Clothes that you aren't wearing, taking up space, could be putting money back in your pocket. So here's my suggestion. Take five minutes. Go look at the far ends of your closet and see what's hanging there. You might be surprised. Download the Vinted app for free and start listing. With no seller fees,

• 18:03Mike Carruthers?

  you keep every dollar you earn. That's Vinted, V-I-N-T-E-D.

• 18:09Mike Carruthers?

  If you listen to something you should know regularly, you know we talk about sleep quite a bit here. And one of the things I've learned from those conversations is just how important a good night's sleep is. And I've always been someone who loves his sleep. So I was intrigued when I heard about Beam Dream. It's a delicious nighttime drink formulated to help you fall asleep faster, stay asleep, and wake up refreshed. It contains ingredients like reishi, magnesium, L-theanine, epigenin, and melatonin. They have lots of great flavors. I tried the cinnamon cocoa flavor, and I love the idea of having something warm and delicious as part of winding down at night.

• 18:54Mike Carruthers?

  And it's less than 20 calories per serving. Dream has improved more than 30 million nights of sleep, and they back it up with a 30-day money-back guarantee. If you don't sleep better, you get your money back. And right now, there's a terrific offer. Go to shopbeam.com/sysk. Use code S Y S K and get 50% off during Beam's Cyber Sale. Only available while flavors are in stock. With this incredible discount, that means you'll pay just 83 cents per night for the best sleep of your life. So seriously, think about it. I mean, how much would you pay for a truly great night of sleep? Beam is just 83 cents per night.

• 19:38Mike Carruthers?

  So go to shopbeam.com/sysk now. That's shopbeam.com/sysk. So Deborah, I sense that you have this arsenal of things that you could probably have a pretty good conversation with almost anybody. But I think people also inadvertently... Kill conversations and how do they do that? What are the, what are the kind of the poison pills of conversation?

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Well, I'll give you that in a second because what I do want to respond to is that I would be successful conversing with anyone. Well, I'm pretty good at it, but I do want to say if somebody doesn't want to talk to me, there's nothing I can do about it. And people need to know that because most of us fear rejection so greatly that we don't start conversations with new people or acquaintances because they might reject us. Listen, and, and, oh, and we're looking for the perfect icebreaker, Mike. So everybody's looking for the perfect icebreaker. And if we don't find it, then we don't launch conversations. Let me tell you, I have hundreds of icebreakers, but if you don't want to talk to me, Mike, because you're busy, or you need to go, or you just don't, I'm too tall, or whatever your reasons are for not wanting to talk to me, there's nothing I can do to change that.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  So everybody get over finding the perfect way to start a conversation and know that not everybody wants to talk to me and it has nothing to do with me. Okay, so some conversation killers to avoid. Well, here's one that happened. So I asked somebody, so, you know, bring me up to date, what's new in your life since the last time we talked? Oh, it's been really rough, you know, I got laid off from my job and, you know, the tech market is, is difficult now. And this is my response, Mike. Yeah, have you thought, Joanne, about your resume? Like, is it one page or two pages? And, and what's the objective, Joanne? I, I become an advisor, Mike, despite the fact that Joanne did not ask for advice. She simply responded to a question.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  She actually gave me information about what she was going through and I chose to give her advice. How often have every parent or every girlfriend done what I'm about to illustrate? Hey, Mary, how's it going? Oh, good. I'm just so sick of my husband. He does this, he won't do that. He's, he's caught up in this and I'm just sick of that. I'm so frustrated. And here's my response to that, Mike. Well, Mary, why don't you just leave him? I mean, refrain from you. I mean, get, be done with him. Cut the cord. Be, you know what? Mary doesn't need that, Deborah. She's, she's a citizen of the United States. She has the freedom to leave her husband when and if she chooses. She doesn't need your unsolicited advice.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  This is what she needs. Wow, that sounds rough. Gosh, is there anything I can do? Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. Anything besides offering unsolicited advice to someone who has not requested it? Here's another one. Women have a tendency, and that's a stereotype, I know, but I'm going to get to the men, don't worry. We match each other. So, how was your vacation? Deborah to Mexico. Oh, it was great. We did this. It was so fun. The weather was perfect. And this is her response to that. Oh, you went to Cancun? You went to an all-inclusive? So did we. Oh, my gosh, you can't imagine. Deborah, it was fabulous. They had this. Don't match each other.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  This isn't a contest. This is when you should say, so Deborah, I mean, have you been there before? Or, you know, what did you like about it the best? Would you recommend it? I mean, let's show an interest in me, would you, before you match? I mean, it happens with our kids all the time. So Deborah, what's new with the kids? Oh, well, my son lives in New York City and, you know, he has a live-in girlfriend now. Really? Oh, my son, you know, he's been married. He's been married a long time. They're having kids now. Okay, folks, this is not a contest. This is not a game. Why don't you ask me who he's living with? Tell me a little bit about her. Tell me about your son. Why does he live in New York? That would be a better response.

• 23:45Mike Carruthers?

  When I listen to you talk, and I think when other people listen to you talk, you have a way about you, a lightness about you, a confidence. I don't know exactly what it is, but that you can maneuver your way through any conversation and have a pretty good time with it, it seems. Whereas other people struggle, that this is, I don't know if it's easy for you, but you seem to enjoy it versus people who it's hard to summon up the courage. So it's hard for them to see doing what you do from where they are.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  I say turn it into a task. That is what worked for me and I know it's worked for others because now I do have a history of 30 years of doing this, of helping people. So what I mean by turning into a task, next time you go to a baby shower, next time your spouse dragged you to an event, or you were excited about an invitation and ordinarily you wouldn't go ultimately because you're an introvert and you don't like these kinds of things. Let me make a suggestion. Go armed with a task. Here's the task. I'm going to talk to one new person. Really. So when I go to networking events to this day, Mike, for my business, I tell myself, you'll talk to three new people or two new people. I get to pick the number. I make myself look for two new people to talk to.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  I use icebreakers to launch the conversation. We can talk about that in a second if you'd like, Mike. You cannot get good at something unless you practice and invest time in it. I'm not asking you to invest an hour of cardio a day. I'm asking you to invest, tell yourself three times this week, at back to school night, at a lacrosse game, at a party that I'm invited to. Before the meeting begins, I'm going to start a conversation with a person that I've never really connected with or I don't know much about. And it will come, Mike. I promise you it will come, but it will not come because you expect lightning to strike. And I waited most of my life for lightning to strike and it never happened.

• 25:48Mike Carruthers?

  So you mentioned icebreakers and I think that's where a lot of people struggle is like you want to start a conversation and you don't know what to say because it's a blank slate. So how do you begin? So let's talk about icebreakers.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  There is no such thing as a perfect icebreaker. If someone is willing to talk to you, almost anything will work that's not offensive. If someone's unwilling to talk to you, nothing's going to work. But the best way to launch into a conversation is to use what I call free information about the occasion or location.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  If I'm at a baby shower, I would say, hey, how do you know the, um, either the mom? Probably in my case, because of my age, I would say, how do you know the mom of the future grandparent, grandmother? Or how do you, how do you know the mom-to-be? What's your connection? What's your connection to the host? That's free information about the occasion, location. If I'm, um, on a trip and on a train, I can say to somebody, are you from this area? Are you from somewhere else? Because the free information I have is, they're either from this area or they're from somewhere else. Uh, free information about occasion, location. Uh, how did you get involved with this charity? If I'm at a conference in Orlando, I'll say, have you been to Orlando before?

• 27:08Speaker 01

  That's the free information I have.

• 27:10Mike Carruthers?

  It almost seems like, as long as it's not goofy or offensive, that, I mean, people are usually at these things to talk to other people, that it doesn't, it, it, it's not like this big, formal, opening statement kind of thing. It's just, seems like conversations would be fairly easy to start, because that's why we're all here.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, what brings you here is one of my favorite ways to start a conversation. So wherever we are, except if it's a party, then I say, how do you know the host? But what brings you here? What's your connection? I mean, if I see you talking to somebody, I pretend I don't know you, or I approach, I go, how do you two know each other? And everybody, this is such a conversation killer, don't make, do not make assumptions about people, oh, is this your wife? Or is that your husband? Or, I mean, is this your girlfriend? Please stop that. Just stop. How do you two know each other is the way to find out what they're willing to tell you.

• 28:07Mike Carruthers?

  Well, I think you've given people not only the tools, but, but also the confidence that, you know, that this is just, it's just conversation, and there's some pretty easy ways to get it going and keep it going. And I appreciate you sharing that. Debra Fine has been my guest, and the name of her book is The Fine Art of Small Talk. And there's a link to that book in the show notes. Thanks, Deborah. Thanks for coming on.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Thank you very much. Thanks for having me today. I was excited.

• 28:37Mike Carruthers?

  Well, here's something you should know about your bones. We all hear about calcium and vitamin D, and they're important. But there's another ingredient in healthy bones that hardly anybody talks about: collagen. Think of your bones like a building, right? Collagen provides the framework, while minerals like calcium help give it strength. Here's the problem, though: as we get older, our bodies naturally produce less collagen. That's why I was interested in Native Path Bone Health Collagen. It's not just ordinary collagen. It contains a specialized form called Fortabone. And there's some interesting research behind it.

• 29:17Mike Carruthers?

  In a study of 131 post-menopausal women, researchers saw improvements in bone mineral density after 12 months: up to 7.7% in an important part of the hip. Native Path gives you the same 5 grams of Fortabone used in that research, in an easy-to-mix daily formula. I just got mine, because bone health is something I'd rather pay attention to now than wish I had later. And here's a great reason to try Native Path Bone Health Collagen right now: you can save up to 48%, get free shipping, and it's backed by a 365-day money-back guarantee.

• 30:01Mike Carruthers?

  Now, that's a pretty compelling offer if you've been thinking about doing something to support your bone health. Go to GetBetterBones.com/SYSK. That's G-E-T-BetterBones.com/SYSK.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  Low energy, unfocused, foggy? You might be dehydrated. Gatorade Zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance in the body. With a clinically-proven electrolyte blend and no artificial colors or flavors, great tasting hydration no matter where you're going. Shop now online or at retailers nationwide. Gatorade: Hydrates Better Than Water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist.

• 30:51Mike Carruthers?

  Have you ever wondered why you do the things you do? Or why you use the words you use to say the things you say? Or why you decide to do this instead of that? So much of this goes on below the radar, it seems. We just do what we do. But it's actually pretty interesting when you look below the surface at why we actually do these things. That's what Helena Boschi studies. Helena is a psychologist and author of a book called, Why We Do What We Do. Hi Helena, welcome to Something You Should Know.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  Hi Mike, it's great to be here.

• 31:25Mike Carruthers?

  So explain a little bit about your work and what you mean by why we do what we do. Because, I mean, I do many things, and I'm pretty sure I know why I do them. But then there are also a lot of things I do that, you know, when I stop and think about it, I don't know why I did it.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Well, we live a lot of our lives and we do a lot of things without really thinking about why we do what we do. We use language without being really intentional. We make decisions and we don't know what's underpinning them. We are frightened and we sometimes don't know why. And we tend to use habits and we don't really think about the habits we have and why we have resorted to those particular habits. So as soon as we start really thinking about why we're doing what we're doing and paying attention to our behavior, even the small stuff, we become much more intentional about the decisions we take, the behaviors we use,

• 32:24Speaker 02

  the language we deploy around us.

• 32:27Mike Carruthers?

  Well, let's talk about language because, well, the words we use are so important to how we get along with other people, how successful we are. Using the right words matters. So how does that all work?

• 32:41Speaker 02

  Whenever we say anything, we need to remember that the brain is very visual. And so the brain likes to try and convert words to pictures very quickly. So whenever we use a word like elephant or dog or tropical beach, the brain starts to see these things straight away. Not the word, but the visual association of the word.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  But the brain doesn't see every single word. And so we've got to, if we want to try, and different words, of course, light up different parts of the brain. So when you're using very visual words, the back of the head, which is our visual cortex, that starts to become more active. If we're using um words associated with movement, our motor cortex lights up more. And the same thing happens with um with words associated with taste or smell. Um and they, those areas light up. So the brain responds to different words very well. The brain also responds to words that carry a high emotional component.

• 33:53Speaker 02

  And that starts to activate lots of different areas of the brain. So when we have words that are um more sentimental or associated with the home or family, for example, then the brain starts to activate the the areas of memory, which are uh to do with personal memory, as well as the visual cortex. So the more we really think about language and the more um descriptive or vivid our language becomes, the more we're activating different parts of the brain.

• 34:26Mike Carruthers?

  You say something interesting, and that is that the brain doesn't see or doesn't recognize the word don't. And so that can cause a lot of problems, and so explain how.

• 34:39Speaker 02

  So if I said to you, um, don't look behind you, Mike, you might immediately want to look behind you, or don't take this personally, Mike, you might think, oh, no, what's coming? We sometimes use words in the opposite way to what's intended. So we say to young children, don't go over there, don't play with that, don't spill that drink, don't touch that. And then we wonder why they're being so disobedient, because the brain will turn as much as it can into into something visual, except when it can't.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  But the key thing to remember is the brain is negatively wired. So the brain tends to hook to negatively salient information over positive. And when we hear things that, any bad news or gossip about other people or receive negative feedback, it sticks. It becomes very cognitively sticky in the brain and it takes quite a lot to dislodge this. So for example, if you're, um, if you're trying to give someone feedback in a meeting and you think, well, I'll start with a positive, I'll then give the negative, I'll end on a positive. And that's typically called the feedback sandwich. What we don't take into account is that the negatively loaded information

• 35:54Speaker 02

  will tend to stick much more strongly in the brain. So the positive information that you've given, even though it's twice as much, won't be held by the brain. And we tend to walk away from discussions like that and conversations like that, only holding on to the negative. So language is quite a complex thing and we've got to really think about how we put conversations together, what we want to get out of the conversation, how we want someone to leave feeling at the end of a conversation.

• 36:24Mike Carruthers?

  Well, that's interesting. So how, how do you maneuver what you say to leave people feeling a certain way?

• 36:31Speaker 02

  Well, there are, there are lots of different tools to use for different outcomes. So if you want someone to feel more motivated, then you need to focus on the behavior that you want repeated. Then you need to lock that in with them. So you focus on that. But we think we're being motivational when we, we try and give them praise and then we give them criticism at the same time. Brain can't handle that because it, it holds only on to the negative. So if we really want to motivate someone and make them feel good about something, first, the first thing we've got to do is be very specific about what's gone well, so they know exactly what they did well. And so that you get that repeated forevermore.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  If you want someone to improve their performance, the best thing you can do is focus on what you need them to do, but time it so that it's just before the next event. We tend to, we tend to put everything all together immediately after an event. So that poor person can't do anything with any implied criticism because they have nothing to throw the advice at. But then they, and that, and, and even though we mean it as a developmental, a piece of advice, that person's still holding it as a criticism. So I would say, simplify the conversations, separate the feedback, keep people feeling

• 37:57Speaker 02

  motivated by focus specific, by focusing specifically on what went well, and wait until the next event before advising them or guiding them into how to do something better.

• 38:09Mike Carruthers?

  So, uh, let's talk about creativity, because that topic comes up a lot, and some people say, well, I'm not very creative, and other people say they are, and, and, and is creativity a God-given thing, or is creativity like language, something you learn?

• 38:26Speaker 02

  Yes, you know, we don't, we, we aren't born with language, we have to learn language, but you could argue that we're all born very curious and to adapt to our surroundings. And then you could argue, so very interesting experiments have been carried out with children, and George Land was probably, uh, one of the most famous, uh, pioneers of this, and he wanted to see how creative, and he calls it divergent thinking, where the brain just goes off on a limb and starts exploring possibilities, and, and one idea leads to another, leads to another. And he decided, he was working with NASA at the time, and I think this was around the

• 39:08Speaker 02

  nineteen sixties, he was working with his colleague Beth, Beth Jarman, and he wanted to see with children, how creative, how divergent would children be at the age of five? And he followed them for ten years to see how education would affect their creativity, how, um, how teaching, um, how growing up would affect their creativity. And when he found that at the age of five, children are naturally very curious, very creative, very divergent in their thinking, and nothing really phases them, so children just plunge, you know, headlong into something and give it a go. Now by the age of fifteen, uh, well, he did, he did it again at the age of ten and he did it again at the age of fifteen.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  This ability to think divergently had reduced massively. And, you know, you could point the fault at the education system or the way that we narrow down our expertise. We think we become good at something, so we stop trying other things. But he found that by the age of fifteen, um, this, this, you know, nine, I think ninety five percent of children at the age of five were able to think divergently and creatively. But by the time they'd reached fifteen, it had gone down to about, I think it was around twelve percent, I mean, even, probably even less, which is terrible if you think about it. And so we get these adults who've had creativity bashed out of them, and then we tell them

• 40:36Speaker 02

  to, to think creatively at work. And of course, they're not used to it. We're taught in education to come up with a right answer. We're rewarded and praised for the right answer. We're told off for daydreaming and letting our minds wander, which is what the brain needs to do. And so we lose this ability to, uh, to, to think creatively. And then we put people in a room and we say, right, brainstorm. And of course, when people are forced to be creative, it's the, you get the opposite effect because the brain then gets anxious and it switches off. And a happy, relaxed, daydreaming brain is of course, a more creative one. And we don't create the right environments to get the best out of people's creative potential.

• 41:21Mike Carruthers?

  Let's talk about stress, because I think everyone has had that, that feeling of being really stressed out and not being able to perform well, not being able to think clearly. And the more stressed you are, the less clearly you think, and it's gotta be taking a toll. So talk about what you see, the connection between stress and the brain.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  We have a very ancient system inside us. We're designed to switch on our stress system for, uh, to, to deal with immediate stresses in our environment. And then these, the stress system is designed to switch off again. This system is not designed to switch on and off and on and off, or stay on continually. Um, and you see the modern world, you know, the, the world we're designed for is not the modern world. Um, the world we're designed for is when a saber-toothed tiger came into our, into our immediate vicinity and we had to make a quick decision. Do I turn and fight? Do I run like crazy? That's, that's the world we're still designed for.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  But the world we're now in, um, is switching on the system. It's the, it's being switched on with modern stresses. You know, a boss that wants to give us some feedback or, um, six hundred emails on our server or a friend who's rejected us. Even anything, um, anticipated, even if we don't know what's coming. It could be good, but just not knowing is stressful. And even anything imaginary, the brain doesn't have to, it doesn't have to be real for the brain to respond as if the stressor were actually real. Now, the big problem about stress, of course, is that we sometimes wait to feel okay again. So anxiety rises and anxiety, as we know, is contagious.

• 43:09Speaker 02

  So stressed people make other people stressed. And, uh, we, we, we wait to feel not stressed again. We wait for the feelings of anxiety to disappear. But sometimes they don't. And so when we are feeling stressed, uh, the best thing we can possibly do is to do something. Do something that is physically active. So, uh, physical exercise is of course, one of the best things we can do. It's probably one of the last things we feel like doing. Keeping our hands and feet busy and active. Sometimes we have to do something, anything, and then the feelings come later.

• 43:49Mike Carruthers?

  And so how does memory fit into this discussion? I mean, so much of who we are is our memories. And it's part of our brain. So talk about memory.

• 44:00Speaker 02

  Memory is one of the most fascinating areas of the brain and memory works and memory is notoriously unreliable. We cannot really, and people who think they've got a good memory may well have a good memory, but it's never going to remember exactly in absolute detail what happened. Because every time we revisit a memory, we add something to it. You know, the environment that we're in might trigger a memory, but we're now adding to that memory with a new experience. You know, our memories, every time we replay them, something else is being added all the time. We embellish it and we add to it and we make more of it or we make less of it.

• 44:45Speaker 02

  So the best way to to make sure that we remember absolutely is write things down in real time. So if we want to have a good record of something, make a note of it or record it in some way. So that you can revisit. I guess this is why people keep journals and they then will remember the detail of what happens. The more emotional a memory is, the more it is highlighted in the brain as a memory. But even then, we don't always remember exactly. And memory does decay over time. It's called decay. And so it decays quite a bit. If we don't revisit memories, we don't replay them, then we do lose them.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  So it's, you know, it's often good to go back and or play memory games to to keep the memory part of the brain really active and stimulated. Because it's, you know, if we lost our memories, I mean, who would we be? You know, it's horrible to think of a world where we couldn't attach to the memories that we formed and we rely so heavily on our memories. But the one thing to remember, and this is Daniel Kahneman, who wrote the book Thinking Fast and Slow. He talks about this and he says our experiencing self is very different to our remembering self. So we have an experience and we will. Um. We will have the experience in real time, but the way we remember an experience is very different to the experience itself.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  And an experience is often remembered um in a way that's clouded by the last thing that happens or something that somebody said. So we have to remember that the experience that when we recall a memory of an experience, we're not recalling the actual experience, we're calling recalling the memory. And this is why we need people around us who remember different things to us and who see the world differently to us, because they take from an experience something different to what we take. And so it's often good to share uh memories around so that we can sometimes see the world through another lens.

• 46:51Mike Carruthers?

  One thing you talk about that I I don't think a lot of people understand, I frankly don't really understand it very well, is this thing we hear now about the gut-brain connection. Can you talk about that?

• 47:03Speaker 02

  The relationship with the gut and the brain is becoming more more and more important for us to know about, because the brain, the cranial nerves, um that we have twelve cranial nerves, and one of them links the brain and the gut, and messages go brain to gut, gut to brain. But a lot of our happy chemical serotonin, which which promotes feelings of uh well-being and relaxation and feeling that all's well with the world, uh that's called serotonin. A lot of that sits actually in our gut and not our brain. And most of the messages don't go brain to gut, they go gut to brain.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  People with uh mental disorders and diseases like depression or schizophrenia often have uh gut problems that are comorbid with the psychological problems. So uh you know, the gut doesn't, it doesn't sit on its own, we can't look at the brain in isolation, we have to look at the body and the brain as an entire system. And so when people talk about mental health, I think we've got to look at the whole health, we can't just look at uh mental health, because what we actually choose to eat Will affect our mental health. So we have to really think about what we're putting into our gut. And make sure that the that the food we're putting in, they're not containing empty calories. They're actually going to do something of good for us.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  And to keep maintain the body's balance, because everything, the brain and the body are designed to stay in balance, but when the world is out of balance, our systems go out of balance too. So we have to find ways of consciously rebalancing our systems by being more conscious about the food we eat, trying to get better quality sleep and taking regular exercise. The brain loves the body to move. It's designed for the body to move. And real brain development started as we started to learn to move. So we we've especially our memory, our memory really started to grow, our memory structure started to grow when we learned to walk.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  So the brain needs the body to move and to move often. And yes, the brain loves cardiovascular exercises, quick, quick bursts of activity where we're pumping blood around the body and we're creating more oxygenation in the brain. But we do need to get regular, natural movement into our day to day activity as well.

• 49:36Mike Carruthers?

  Well, there certainly is a whole lot going on when it comes to what we do, what we say, the words we use, how we feel. I appreciate you explaining all this. Helena Boschi has been my guest. She is a psychologist and author of a book called Why We Do What We Do. And you'll find a link to that book in the show notes. Thanks, Helena. Appreciate it.

• 49:58Speaker 02

  Thank you very much, Mike.

• 50:03Mike Carruthers?

  Medicine and kitchen utensils don't mix. Dosing medicine is it's serious stuff and some of us are a bit too casual about it. Millions of Americans are hurt every year by medication mistakes that could have been avoided. And two of the most common errors involve kitchen utensils. First of all, using a kitchen spoon to measure medications. People do it all the time and they wind up taking either too much or too little of their medicine. You see, the people who make kitchen spoons are not required to make those spoons hold exactly a teaspoon of liquid, and they seldom do. It's better to stick with a dosing cup, or maybe get a syringe that provides the right amount.

• 50:48Mike Carruthers?

  Splitting medication with a knife is just a bad idea. Assuming you've got the okay from your doctor to split the pill in the first place, you really need to use a pill splitter, because uneven cuts mean uneven doses. And that is something you should know. You know, the success of this podcast is due in large part to word-of-mouth marketing. People like you telling other people how much you like it and suggesting they give it a listen, and I hope you will continue that tradition and tell someone you know about something you should know. I'm Mike Herrothers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know.

• 51:30Speaker 04

  Sam's Club is the club for every holiday club. Guess who's joining the club this season? Walmart Plus. Yep, Sam's Club Plus membership now comes with Walmart Plus at no extra cost. Two memberships, one great price. Just $120 a year can save you time and over $700. Want to get in on the membership duo of the century? Visit sam'sclub.com. Come join us. Sam's Club.

• 51:51Speaker 05

  Annual plan only. Auto renews. T and C apply. Estimate based on average combined Walmart Plus and Sam's Club Plus savings among members of both for one plus year versus non-member or club member pricing/fees. Excludes membership fees. See Walmart Plus terms and Sam's Club terms for more info.

• 52:00Speaker 03

  We just moved into our new house, and I didn't realize just how close we were to the neighbors. That's when my friend told me about blinds.com. Blinds.com isn't a medication, but it can improve how you feel about your home. Customers who shop at blinds.com experience excellent customer service, from consultation to installation. Side effects include increased privacy and better sleep. Talk to your partner today and see if blinds.com is right for you.

• 52:25Speaker 04

  Shop Black Friday all month long at blinds.com. Don't miss huge deals dropping every week.