Rising from the Depths: Transformative Strategies to Conquer Grief

You’re about to hear one of the most difficult but important interviews I’ve ever done. Recovering from the death of a loved one in the prime of their life is one of the most challenging things anyone can endure. But when that death is by suicide, and you’re a public figure with three children, the challenges are exponential. This week, I'm joined by Allison Holker, an extraordinary dancer known from "So You Think You Can Dance," who faced the unimaginable when her husband, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, tragically ended his own life. Allison's story is not just one of profound loss but also of resilience, healing, and the redemptive power of opening up about mental health. In this deeply personal and impactful discussion, Allison shares her ongoing journey through grief, providing insights that resonate with anyone facing their own battles with loss. This episode isn't just about coping with grief; it's about allowing grief to fuel personal growth and awareness. Here's what you'll gain from todays episode: Allison's insights on navigating heartache with children in the wake of loss The critical importance of giving and receiving love when you're naturally reserved How cherishing every second is a pathway to healing Strategies for slowly rebuilding your capacity for happiness and finding light after darkness. How viewing your life through a lens of beauty and appreciation can alter your healing journey The strength and comfort drawn from spiritual beliefs during the toughest times Managing relationships with those who give energy and those who take it away. Allison's openness offers hope and a roadmap for those navigating the murky waters of grief, particularly the unique sorrow that follows suicide. Her courage in sharing her story aims to light the way for others, emphasizing that while the pain might not completely vanish, the strength we discover in our darkest hours can lead to a personal transformation. Join us for a conversation that promises not just to touch your heart but also to offer real strategies for anyone dealing with grief to find a way forward. This is about more than survival; it's about learning to live again with joy, purpose, and gratitude. If you or someone you know is having a mental health emergency call 911 Or reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by dialing 988 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

  So hey guys, are you frustrated with where you're at right now? Maybe stunted in your progress? Well, if you are, I want to recommend a place for you to go called Growth Day. GrowthDay.com/Ed. It is the number one personal development app on the planet. It's got all kinds of high-performance techniques in there. Courses, accountability, journaling, live speeches from some of the top influencers in the world, including me. It's an overall environment to change your life. GrowthDay.com/Ed. I hear so many small business owners say the exact same thing. They just never have enough time in the day. Well, I measure time differently. I've compressed, condensed, heck, I've bent time. My first day is 6:00 a.m. to noon. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6:00 p.m.

• 0:43Ed Mylett?

  And my third day, 6:00 p.m. to midnight. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, over a year, over five years, and my life's completely different than it would have been otherwise. And if you want to win as an entrepreneur, you have to compress your time too. And you definitely can't afford to waste it waiting weeks on a big bank for capital. Your best bet's to work with my friends at Cardiff. They know how to compress time for entrepreneurs. They get your business approved in minutes and funded the very same day. They're America's favorite small business lender, and for good reason. Over 20 years in business, over $12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to Cardiff.co/Ed. That's Cardiff.co/Ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding.

• 1:28Ed Mylett?

  Cardiff, borrow better.

• 1:31Speaker 01

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• 2:05Ed Mylett?

  This is the Ed Miliband Show.

• 2:09Ed Mylett?

  Alright, welcome back to the show, everybody. So, I have to tell you, I've been watching this lady's work for years, like watching her dance and on TV, and I've always thought how talented she was. But lately, I've watched her shift into a space, she's actually probably been thrown into a space that most people are never prepared for, but I've watched her rise with such grace. And I really believe she was called for this moment. Um, you've seen her on So You Think You Can Dance, she's a host, a judge this year on the show. You also probably know that, you know, she's had some tragic things happen in the last few years with DJ Twitch, who she's married to, Steven. And, um, we're just gonna talk today about her journey, her experiences, what she's learned.

• 2:50Ed Mylett?

  And, um, I don't know if there's anybody on the planet more qualified to have this discussion today than you, so Allison Holker, welcome to the show.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Thank you so much for having me. You've already been someone that is like so inspiring to talk with, so it's already an enjoyable moment.

• 3:01Ed Mylett?

  Thank you. You, um, I just told you this off-camera. Every once in a while, a human being meets a moment in their life that they thought they were ill-prepared for. And then you watch them step into it. They, they may still have imposter syndrome, like, am I qualified for this or not? But the conversation about grief, I want to talk about today, but also just like part of life, someone may not be going through grief listening today, but like, they had a plan for their life and they were pretty sure it was gonna go one way.

• 3:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:27Ed Mylett?

  And then, in a moment, it's not. And that happened with you. I'm just wondering, first off, where are you in your grief journey? Do you think you have a handle on where you're at, or are you still everyday sort of, I thought I had it, now I don't?

• 3:38Speaker 02

  I think you're kind of in a state with grief where you always are hoping you're on the other side, but then you have moments that are reminders and triggers. What I can say is I'm better at handling those triggers now. You know, it's never that it's fully gone, I always have memories that pop up that make me wanna cry, or, or make me wanna laugh, but I've just learned how to control myself in it better. You know, I, I'm a very disciplined person, and I think the discipline of learning how to carry myself in my daily actions have really prepared me to be a strong mentally, spiritual person, to be able to handle whenever those kinds of things pop up in my life, so it's not that I'm not still dealing with it, it's just that I'm in more control of who I am in it.

• 4:19Ed Mylett?

  Do you think you, do you think you have to know? Why something happened to process it completely? Meaning, first off, do you think you understand what happened? Number one, we won't go much further than that today. But like, do you understand what happened? And then, because I think sometimes, maybe someone goes through a divorce, they don't even, I don't even understand what happened. Or their business field. Do you have to? Because I think our brain goes, I have to understand this before I can move past it. But do you think that that, do you think you understand what happened? And do you think that's even required to move past or through something?

• 4:51Speaker 02

  I think before all this happened to me, this is my first grief and my first trauma. So I never gone through anything like this, even into a small degree.

• 4:59Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  And before this, I would have thought like, oh, we have to have answers. Because I'm a very like, solution-based person. So what happened? What's the solution to this? How can we make it better? What happened? What was the backstory? But now experiencing it, I've had to learn and understand that we are not gonna know. And that is really, really hard to get over. What happened? The why? The could something have helped? What, you know, is there something I didn't know? Is there something I knew and just didn't see? You know? It's all these things you kind of have to work past for yourself. Because at the end of the day, that person is not here to tell me.

• 5:34Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  And that is probably the hardest thing. Because I loved someone so much and I did think that we were just gonna grow old together and watch our kids grow old together. And at the end of the day, I feel so sidelined. You know? And for me, I never got to have closure with him. And that is still something that's really, really sad to me, that I never got to have that. And my kids didn't get to have that because we didn't see this coming. But at the end of the day, it's not my job to understand the why. It's just my understanding that this was his choice. It doesn't mean it has to define my life from a kid's life moving forward. So I'm trying to encourage myself to be like, you know what? I don't know why. And a lot of people want to know why. They want to ask me all these questions. But I'm just like them.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  I'm just as confused. But for my kids, I want them to accept that and that it's okay. And we just gotta charge forward and make our own decisions in life.

• 6:27Ed Mylett?

  So beautifully said. In many ways, externally, you're flourishing right now. Like, I see you, you know, succeeding in your career. And then, to be honest with you, no matter what you ever do on television and the different great things you have going on, the work you do right here is, it saves lives. Like, I've had, I don't know, I've done like 600 shows, and so when I travel, people always ask me, "What's your favorite show?" Which is like totally disrespectful to all these amazing guests I've had on, right? But I can tell you what my favorite show was, and it's the person that had the smallest social media following. I had a woman on my show named Kayla Stockline, many years ago. And I think when she came on the show, she had 2,000 followers on social media, and she was a pastor's wife.

• 7:11Ed Mylett?

  And he ended up passing by taking his own life. And the reason that I had her on the show was I wanted people to understand that you don't have to process all of the grief to move forward in life. And also, I want anybody contemplating it, quite frankly, to understand the impact that it had on her children and whatnot.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 7:31Ed Mylett?

  So, and so, that was my favorite show, and the most impactful show. And so I'm just wondering what you would say to somebody, maybe there's someone right now listening to this, or knows someone that is. They're considering something not real smart in their life, you know, they're considering... I think most people, there's some stat out right now, like 46% of all young girls under 18 have considered suicide in the last year. Right? What would you say to somebody who's just having those types of thoughts? Because you've lived with the consequence of a loss in your life with your children, what would you say to someone that's thinking those thoughts?

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Being brutally honest, you're affecting every single human you've ever touched in your life. Because truly, you can love someone so much and be so loved, and if you don't see that, all those people you've affected are now going to live with some sort of trauma. And every single one of those people go through a moment, everyone, even miniscule. When something like this happens, every single person that you've been involved with, or just friends with, or family with, or or just an associate at work, everyone's gonna think back of, "What if I did something different?"

• 8:42Speaker 02

  What if it was me? What if it's something I said? What if I caught something? And then you're, so you're now having everyone internalize and judge themselves, thinking maybe it's their fault. And that is a really hard place to put someone in. Because I've had to have these kind of tough conversations with my kids. Even my seven-year-old boy has been like, mommy, if I was just nicer. And it's, it's a tough conversation I have to have with someone because you have to allow them to feel it because it's a very real feeling.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  But it's not their fault. You know? But it's really hard for someone to not believe that with someone that they're so close with. And they're trying to comprehend, how could someone do this? Why did this happen? It must have been something I did. And it's, it's, I've done that, all my kids have done it. Everyone around me. I had an assistant who was like, what if I would have just said something better that morning? And I was like, no, no, no. We can't do that to ourselves. Because at the end of the day, this was someone else's choice. It has nothing to do with us. But even having someone have to go through that and all that trauma for themselves, it's asking a lot of people. You know, and it's, it's a tough thing to have people really start questioning who they are in it.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  Because it's not them.

• 9:55Ed Mylett?

  Oh my gosh. We could stop right now. I'm an emotional. That makes, there's two things about you that make me emotional. One is what you just said. And then I, I prep really hard for interviews. So I've watched a lot of things you've said and talked about. And something like really stood out to me that you said about Steven. And I want to talk about it for a minute if you don't mind. And here's what you said, because I suffer from this. And so now I'm going to flip it for those of you that I'll see if you all relate to what I'm about to say. What I heard you say was that he was this loving and giving and amazing man. However,

• 10:31Ed Mylett?

  he had a hard time receiving love from other people. I just got chills all over my legs. And I have been open on my show about this fact. I, I almost think I give an abundance of love and attention to other people. Almost to compensate for the fact that I just ve- very rarely allow myself to feel loved by people. And, and I have so many that do love me. And, and it's not neg-, it's not neg-, like I don't, like I feel like they don't love me. I just don't feel loved. And I, when I said it, I wonder how many people live like that. Could you just talk about that for me? Because it, it's something that deeply impacts me. I'm like, I have this amazing life and these amazing people. But I don't just allow myself the gift of feeling loved sometimes by the people who love me the most.

• 11:19Ed Mylett?

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• 11:43Ed Mylett?

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• 12:26Ed Mylett?

  Go to ro.co/milet to see if you qualify. That's R-O dot C-O slash Mylett to get started on Ro. For side effects of GLP-1 medications, including boxed warning, go to ro.co/safety. R-O dot C-O slash safety. So, when I end up buying the island, we had to do all of our outdoor decorating, and I spent a fortune in the first half of the place. And I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore, but I want the best stuff. And that's where Wayfair came in. My wife wanted to get this new garden bed, and Wayfair was the place that offered the perfect solution. Wayfair also helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Wayfair verified products are hand-vetted by product specialists. They use a 10-point quality inspection system. Here's what I can tell you.

• 13:09Ed Mylett?

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• 13:44Speaker 02

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• 13:48Speaker 02

  Steven had a really hard time accepting compliments or accepting how talented he was or accepting how many people he was impacting. He was always like, no, no, no, I can do better. I need to be a better human. I need to give back more. Or nah, I'm like not good enough right now. Even when it came to dance, he'd be like, no, I need to be training again. Like I've really fallen off. Like he was so hard on himself. So when he would receive compliments, he would almost throw it back off of him.

• 14:13Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  And not just by like not accepting it, like he'd be like, I need to give that love to someone else.

• 14:17Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  And he constantly pushed himself to make everyone else happy around him. And I think he just kept throwing out, throwing out without filling his cup. And it's not because he wasn't receiving that love. He was receiving an abundance of it from everywhere. Everyone adored him is because he was, he was constantly being like, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. So I just feel like he kept depleting himself of it. You know, a lot of people.

• 14:42Ed Mylett?

  Great word, great word.

• 14:43Speaker 02

  A lot of people think that he had this really extroverted personality because he was twitch. But if you knew him, if you knew Steven, he was an introvert. If he would go to a party, he'd be the one in like a corner reading a book.

• 14:56Ed Mylett?

  I relate to all of this.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  He didn't, you know? And so there was times I look back and I'm like, oh, I wish, I wish he would have been like, I need more help through this instead of trying to do on his own. But he'd come home from giving all this energy and giving so much love. Or he'd be like, I need a second and he'd go sit in the corner in the dark and. My kids and I, you know, he would always tell us like his safe place was our home because we would let him have those moments. And now I look back, I'm like, oh, like if we would have just pushed him to get therapy through that. But he always was like, no, no, no, I just need to like recharge myself. He would always say like, no, no, I just need a moment to like. You know, so I thought he was like in meditation, reading his book, kind of building himself back up just because he is an introvert.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  So every time he was giving all this love, giving all this energy, it really wasn't him. It was taking a lot for him to do it. And then I think also on top of that, that's the thing that everyone compliment him on.

• 15:50Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  Is, oh, you're the most loving, you're the most joyous, you give so much to everyone. That I feel like he would never let him take a day to not do that because, well, that's not Twitch. Twitch is a giver, Twitch gives love, Twitch gives energy, he gives joy. And so he'd push himself every single day to the umpteenth degree, even at the grocery store. Like he would give everything to everyone and, and I even would tell him that that's your gift. And sometimes I'm like, oh, like, I would have just encouraged him to be like, you are this way, but you hold on to some for yourself.

• 16:19Ed Mylett?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  You know, because I, I just think he had this spirit, but it was, he was building himself up by thinking if I give it, I'm a better person.

• 16:29Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  You know, and, and, and if I'm honest, I thought that was a beautiful thing and I still do. But now I've just learned the other side that like, you have to be able to hold on to love and know that you deserve it. When someone's giving you a compliment, just say thank you.

• 16:46Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  When someone's hugging you, just receive it instead of pushing the energy back onto them, you know, and, and allow yourself to feel that. I think also he didn't love himself, which is maybe why he didn't accept it. Cause he was constantly on this journey of being the better human, the better this, the better that. Instead of just being like, you know, it's interesting, I'm kind of jumping now. Um, one of my really good friends the other day was like, Alison, do you ever just tell yourself you love yourself? I was like, I don't think I've ever done that. And it's not that I don't think I, you know, I, I think I love myself, but I've never just said it to myself. And now I'm making a conscious effort to do it, cause like sometimes I look at Steven's position, I'm like, did you ever love yourself?

• 17:29Speaker 02

  Why didn't you feel like you could receive this love?

• 17:31Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  You know?

• 17:32Ed Mylett?

  Allison, uh, maybe that's the most impactful five minutes for me ever on my show. I relate to every single word you just said, every single word that you just said, from the introvert part to the putting it out, to depleting yourself. And I have to think if you're driving in your car right now, or you're listening to this, if you relate to any pieces of what she just described, you need to evaluate that. You need to love yourself. You need to be willing to give yourself the gift. I'm telling you, you're stepping into your power right now. The, the, the fact that you can articulate that in a way that hits me so deeply, I relate to every, excuse me, sorry, it gives me emotional. Every single word of it. And I think so many people deplete themselves.

• 18:14Ed Mylett?

  And I don't know what happens in the worst moments when someone makes these decisions. I don't know. I know you don't know, and we're not here to figure that out today. But I wonder in some cases if they've just literally depleted themselves completely. Right? She's nodding in affirmation with like, they're just, they just become that empty tank almost. I, I wonder if that's what happens.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  Because they're such a lover.

• 18:35Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  You know, a lot of people look at it as, you know, a pain, an ugly thing, but he, he was such a lover of life and people and he was someone that made you feel seen. I think that was his gift.

• 18:48Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  He could really see into you and, you know, there's very rare people that like you meet that make you become a better person from just being around them.

• 18:56Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm. I wonder if that part, the other part you said of being the better you, being the better you, obviously I'm one of the champions of that in the world. I have a good friend who's going to therapy right now and he's like, I gotta fix this, I'm all screwed up. I said, what if it's that you aren't all screwed up? But you just want to be better?

• 19:11Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 19:12Ed Mylett?

  In other words, this, sometimes, by the way, I'm a huge advocate for therapy. Heck, one of the sponsors here is a therapy sponsor, right? But, but I also think sometimes we go there, I'm a mess, fix me. What if it's like, I'm great as I am, I just want to be better? And every once in a while, I think everybody in life, and I'll let you speak to it. You know, yes, we want to grow and expand and be better. But an acceptance and a love for who we are right now gives us the strength. To be a catalyst to grow. If it's always that you're moving away because you're not good enough, at one point, you can't keep running away from yourself. You should be running towards who you want to become, but not away from who you are all the time. Does that make any sense?

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, it's interesting because I truly, honestly, for years, I was like, oh, I can be a better person. I'm like really into self-help books and like motivational speakers. I love to like always be pushing myself. You know, with life, with being a parent, with education, with career, I'm always pushing myself to like one-up myself all the time. Which is, in a lot of ways, why people succeed.

• 20:13Ed Mylett?

  It's one of the reasons why you're so successful.

• 20:15Speaker 02

  But at the end of the day, something I've learned that is probably the most powerful thing that I've learned for myself, and I'm trying so hard to teach my kids, is existence is enough. Just existing, because life is the gift. So for me, what I have learned is me just choosing to wake up and being present in the moment, I'm doing my job. That's all we're here to do is to experience. And so I'm trying to remember that, like, as much as I want to push myself, me just being right here in this moment, that's everything. And I get to do that every single day and make that choice just to be here and show up and just, you know, experience whatever in this moment is supposed to happen from the universe.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  And I never felt that way before. I was always like trying to prepare for everything and like be the most educated in the room or the most blah blah. And it's like, no, just walk in.

• 21:03Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Just walk in. And I never, I never understood that. And I just think that's a really powerful thing that people can find balance in because I think you should push yourself. But also, if there's a day you just want to be here, great.

• 21:18Ed Mylett?

  You're so right. I think there's seasons, right? I think there's seasons where you're like, I am ready to go and go to the next. But when you never have an off-season, which is something I've struggled with, I just have never had. Like, I'll get around to that off-season where I'm just gonna be like, I'm pretty good right now for a while.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:34Ed Mylett?

  I've just never gotten around to it. It's almost like running an engine full speed all the time. At some point, you have to. Let it sit in neutral for a little while.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:43Ed Mylett?

  And just heal up a little bit. I wonder one thing about you, by the way, one of my favorite things to do when I'm feeling bad, this just started lately. I'll just go to your Instagram. And I'll just watch you dance. By the way, she's like this unbelievable dancer, but like. But like, it's, it's just like a break. I'm like, oh, it's a beautiful thing. And it's, it's like. You're having a good time on Instagram. And I watched that and you're really giving me a gift when you do it. However, I wonder if there's. When you go through grief, is there a part of you that then feels guilty in the moments when you are happy? When you are enjoying yourself, like, oh, I shouldn't be doing this. Do you have some of that?

• 22:18Speaker 02

  A thousand percent. I'll never forget the first time I laughed and I was actually with my daughter. Luckily, it was with my daughter who's 15, Wesley. She's. Such an amazing spirit and so well beyond her years and knowledge and, and experience. Um, but it was about. Two months after our situation happened with Steven. Uh, we were in our kitchen and we were actually discussing him. We were having like going over memories and it was our first, we just. Busted out into laughter, like, like cackle laughing. And then we immediately stopped at the same time and we're like. It's just so, we didn't know if it was okay. And then we had to process these emotions of telling each other and convincing each other like. No, this is good. I think it's okay that we're laughing. I think he'd want us to, but. I'll never forget that moment in my kitchen, just us.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Literally laughing and then stopping and immediately feeling so bad and remorseful, thinking it was such a terrible thing for us to do because. It wasn't that we were mocking him or anything. It was just. We were talking about such a beautiful time with him, but then it still made us feel icky because. Is it okay?

• 23:18Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  And then we discussed it. We're, no, we should, we should. We should be having laughter again and smiling again, but there are definitely moments that. Not even just for myself, but I'll say. For myself, I sometimes feel remorseful that I'm moving forward and continuing to champion my kids to move forward. But I think the biggest thing is I get it from other people.

• 23:38Ed Mylett?

  I was gonna ask you that. Do you get some flack for that?

• 23:41Speaker 02

  Oh, I absolutely do.

• 23:41Ed Mylett?

  So you get flack if you're having an enjoyable moment in your life? Because you had a tragedy in your life, you're no longer allowed to have an enjoyable moment. Am I understanding this? Really?

• 23:50Speaker 02

  Yes. It's, it's a, it's been a really interesting journey. Um, as I've been trying to pivot myself into a forward motion and help my children forward. There's been a lot of feedback from people we know, close ones, friends, family. People we don't know, associates, social media. Of people being like, she's too happy. She seems okay. And it's not that I'm totally fine. It's like I have pockets of all the different emotions of crying in a corner, being really sad, laughing with my kids, but then also just being completely angry. I feel like I'm experiencing all of it. But because I share more and more joyous times, people are very upset about it sometimes.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  And it's something that I've come to learn that because people are experiencing their own kinds of grief.

• 24:37Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  They want me to be where they are. And I, or wherever, you know, any different experience that they're having. So it's usually people's own insecurities or where they are. But at the same time, it hurts and it crushes me sometimes. And I've also come to realize that we really honor the dead more than we honor the living.

• 24:57Speaker 02

  And it's, I, I live a lot of my life wanting to honor Steven. And a lot of people say to me like, oh, honor him every day, like you get up every day for him. Yes, I do. But really, I'm honoring my children and myself. You know, and I, I've just come to know that a lot of people want to see me honor him for the rest of my life. And I, I will. But we could also honor the people that are here and making conscious choices of living a better life.

• 25:24Ed Mylett?

  Wow, wow, wow. Wow. Yeah, that's amazing that, you know, first off, what you just said is amazing with the notion that really all you should do on Instagram every day is bring us a bunch of pain and sadness and grief. And as if that's the way that you honor somebody in your life.

• 25:43Ed Mylett?

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• 26:27Ed Mylett?

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• 27:10Ed Mylett?

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• 27:45Ed Mylett?

  Or I love this notion that it's too soon.

• 27:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:48Ed Mylett?

  As if there's some timeframe in which is appropriate for you to have an enjoyable moment of your life, or have some normalcy in life. Outside your home, someone's got some time clock and okay, now you're allowed to.

• 28:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, and it's interesting because at the end of the day, I think sometimes because Stephen was such a prominent figure and so idolized for beautiful reasons. I think sometimes people forget that I am still a mother.

• 28:13Ed Mylett?

  Sure.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  You know, even if I wasn't a mother, we should want people to move forward, but I am a mother.

• 28:17Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  So I need to encourage these three children and be an example to them, but also help them to become better versions of themselves and know how strong they can be through this and that this does not define them.

• 28:28Ed Mylett?

  Beautifully said.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  You know, and so it's, I think sometimes people forget that for me.

• 28:32Ed Mylett?

  They do, and by the way, that's huge. There's someone very close to my family who's, um, lost his father in, in a similar way.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:39Ed Mylett?

  And I love him. He's like a second son to me. And one of the things that I'm very careful about with him, by the way, this could be you come from a family where there was a divorce or someone went to prison. It doesn't have to be the situation you went through.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:52Ed Mylett?

  But what happens with kids especially is, or even the spouse that's left behind is, that becomes their identity the rest of their life. Oh, she's that, or the kids, they're, at some point, someone's allowed to establish their own identity in their life. So I always tell this young man that you're not just the son of someone who had this situation happen. You're your own man. You've got your own memories, your own dreams, your own life to live. The best thing you could do by honoring him is not to be identified as that your, your primary identity. And, and whatever the loss is in your life, everybody, if you start to attach that previous time of your life as your identity, I was a high school football player, I was a quarterback, I used to have a business, I had a great relationship,

• 29:33Ed Mylett?

  so and so in my family's passed away. That identity keeps you locked into the past. There's two frames of reference in life, everybody. There's people that live their life out of vision and dreams,

• 29:44Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:44Ed Mylett?

  and there's people that live their life out of memories and the past. And you are either one of those two types of people. And even if they're good memories, they're memories, they're the past. The way you create new ones is not by always looking at the old ones. We all have those friends that are around us that go, you remember when, you remember when?

• 30:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:01Ed Mylett?

  And they're cool for a little while. But my favorite friends are like, hey, what do you got going on right now? What are you excited about? Being present in the moment and thinking about the future. So I celebrate the fact that you do that, and I hope that you do, you do more of it. By the way, one thing you have done. To honor Stephen is you have this book, Keep Dancing Through a Boss Family Groove. You wrote that together?

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:23Ed Mylett?

  See, this is what most people don't know. So talk about, by the way, it's beautifully illustrated. By the way, those books aren't easy to do. They're expensive, by the way. Most people don't notice, but illustrated books like that, these things are pricey and very difficult to do. But I didn't, it was a great book. I didn't know you did it together.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Yes, we wrote back, uh, back in, I believe, twenty twenty one into twenty twenty two. Um, and it was a testament to our family. We wanted to share a day in a life with us because we do and always did believe together in teaching our kids about affirmations. Every single day with my kids, like even this morning, it's like, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm kind. My son is, I'm handsome. And then I always say to them, we do that, and they finish out with saying, the hard things. It's really cute.

• 31:04Ed Mylett?

  I love that.

• 31:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then our words become, and they say our reality. Um, so, because I, I want to encourage them to always talk kindly to themselves. Um, but we wrote that to encourage parents to do that with their kids, to get their kids learning how to be kind and, and that the people that are talking to you in your head all the time is yourself. Um, and so you have to encourage yourself and be your biggest champion. So we wrote this, and it just follows each one of our kids going through very, very lighthearted complications in their day. But the fact that you can lean on each other with using encouraging words.

• 31:37Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  Um, and not just coming from the parents. We actually, in the book, wanted to also just show the siblings can do it with each other and support each other in it.

• 31:45Ed Mylett?

  That's a rare thing in the world today, right? We all have kids, like actually a brother saying something nice to their sister. That's something we should actually encourage a lot more. I love that.

• 31:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, and so we were so proud of this book. It'd been a dream of mine to write a children's book since like, I mean, since I had my daughter Wesley. I'd always wanted to do it and share that and just for us. Because you know, books is a big thing in our family. So I just thought it'd be a really nice thing to do. Um, and I'm really proud of it because it was scary to put this out there. It was really scary. Um, you know, there's always like backlash anywhere and with any choices you make. But I was like, again, you know, we keep talking about purpose and God and, and the life I'm now in. And it just felt like a message that was too strong to not be received. I mean, it, the title of the book, Keep Dancing Through, when I read it, I was like, Yeah, I am. I'm gonna keep dancing through and I hope to help others.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  And you know, it's not even, I would like to say selfishly it's for me and my kids, but really, it's also for everyone that's followed our family. I was on TV the first time when I was 18 years old. Steven, I think we're around the same age, um, his first time being on TV and, you know, we've had people following us this whole time and championing in us and cheering us on and they've had a hard time from this as well. I don't look at anyone's grief as being more or less or more important than the others. And I was like, even for other people that have followed and my family from when it was just me being a single mom to then marrying Steven, then having more kids. All those people that have been rooting for us that are affected by this as well, this is kind of a chance for me to say like, hey, you can also keep dancing through this.

• 33:20Ed Mylett?

  I love the title of the book. There's a great quote, I'll mess it up, but by Gandhi, where he says, "I will not allow you to walk through my mind with your dirty feet." And it's such a great quote, right? Which I probably just messed up, but the-

• 33:32Speaker 02

  I know, I need to write that one down. That's really good.

• 33:34Ed Mylett?

  And people do this to us all the time, criticism. But oftentimes, we do it to ourselves. As I've looked back through my own life, the reason I do this work is too many times that person walking through my mind with their dirty feet has been me in my life. And so that's why these affirmations, these things that we say to ourselves matter. Overall, how has this changed you? Like overall, having this experience, has it changed you from your faith? Has it changed your perspective on life, what matters? How has it altered you, do you think? Or do you not know yet?

• 34:07Speaker 02

  I think I'm trying to figure that out, actually. I love that kind of a question because I love when I have a question, I'm like, I don't know exactly how to answer that. But what I have learned

• 34:16Speaker 02

  is that life is so beautiful. And there's this thing I love to say, I used to say it and like now I'm saying it again, romanticize your life.

• 34:25Ed Mylett?

  Your whole face just changed.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Like, everyone to some degree is going through something. You're going through a pain, grief, a breakup, a trauma, unfortunate experiences. Everyone's experienced something. And no one's more important or less important.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  Who are you gonna be after? What are you gonna choose to be? What are you gonna choose to do with it? What do you choose to encourage your life further? And move into a different path for yourself? And even going back a little bit to what you said is, something I've been working on the last couple of months is, who am I now? And I think I'm a better human. I think I am a lot more conscious in just what existing is.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  And I am more grateful every single day. I didn't go the opposite way. I went more, I've always had a lot of gratitude for life, but now it's different. I'm so grateful for the chance to wake up every single morning and make choices. And I'm also grateful to experience really awful, terrible things.

• 35:32Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  Because how am I gonna get through this? I can get through this. I can choose a different life. I can make a lesson of it. And I can encourage other people to not do this. I can encourage people to live this way. And I just choose, I don't know. It's such a complex question for me. It's a lot of things, but I also don't have the exact answer.

• 35:49Ed Mylett?

  I'm gonna give you a weird one. This is what my people are gonna go, this is a bizarre thing to say. But if you actually think about it, I might be right. Some of the most difficult things I've gone through in my life, and I've not had to gone through what you've gone through. So I don't want to equate those at all. In some weird way, one of the ancillary gifts God's given me through them is some of the pressures off me now. And what I mean by that is like, like you're so successful in your career. But I'll bet before this, that success in that career probably meant a little more to you than it does now. It almost like takes the pressure off. Like you kind of start to understand, there's an end to this for all of us. It's gonna be okay either way. And to some weird way, even when my dad passed away, he lived a full life. But it's strange.

• 36:32Ed Mylett?

  One of the tiny gifts was some of the pressure was off me. Like I watched this man I love, like, his career mattered. But at the end, like how much did it matter? Do you know what I'm saying? And so in some odd way, it's almost like, I'm just running up the score.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:48Ed Mylett?

  I get to run up the score. Either way, I win. I'm alive. Does that make any sense at all?

• 36:52Speaker 02

  No, it does.

• 36:52Ed Mylett?

  It takes some pressure off in odd ways.

• 36:54Speaker 02

  I actually do. I maybe even answered kind of like what I've been feeling without being able to articulate it. But it is, it's more of like, whatever I'm doing daily, whatever I'm doing with my kids, whatever I'm doing with my career, none of it really matters to me except what's the energy and vibration to bring to it. What are people gonna walk away after they meet me? You know, it's like you might not remember my words, you might not remember, you know, the cool dance I did, or what I said on this cool TV show. What is the feeling I gave you? Did I help your life? Did I encourage you? So it's more of like the vibration I'm sending to people that I worry about now.

• 37:27Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, I can tell you, you're changing and saving lives today. That's no exaggeration. You're literally changing and saving lives, and it's abundantly obvious to me that in some way, one of the gifts of this is that you were chosen for this moment. It's impossible not to be true. The way you articulate, the depth of what you say, what you feel when you say it. This is clearly a human being, a beautiful human being, who has been chosen for this moment and this calling. And it's odd because even whenever I've been chosen for my life, me? Really? Why me? I'm all screwed up. I'm the last person you should pick. But I'm telling you, in your case, it's really, really obvious.

• 38:05Speaker 01

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• 38:35Ed Mylett?

  What about your faith? Has it changed you and I? Can I say who your pastor is?

• 38:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 38:40Ed Mylett?

  Your pastor's one of my great friends, Earl McManus.

• 38:45Ed Mylett?

  Has it changed your faith, your view? Because for a lot of people, they might go through this, so like, they doubt God.

• 38:51Speaker 02

  I've been going to the Mosaic Church for years. You know, there was like during 2020, obviously, that kind of like pivoted me off a little bit just because we couldn't go. So I got a little bit off of the habit of going like on a regular basis to the actual church. And I've been so grateful to really find myself back there again. He was one of the first people I called to talk to, because I knew I needed him. He is just such an incredible spirit with such encouraging words and honesty, too. And he'll go there with you into depths and ask the right questions and help you navigate this space from a really healthy, healing manner.

• 39:25Speaker 02

  I go all the time now, I stay really good in touch with them because I do need them. I don't think before I was willing to admit that. Like when I, when I started going back to church, it was just like, oh, I, I enjoy being here. It's a great energy, you know?

• 39:39Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 39:39Speaker 02

  And like, oh, I'm going with my friends.

• 39:41Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  Now I'm willing to admit that, no, I need this energy in my life. It's necessary for my health. And I think just being a person that's always so independent and always, you know, doing all the right things and doing my cold plunge and doing my like sauna time, like, oh, I've got my life together. I think being willing to say, no, I need this.

• 39:59Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  This helps my soul. This puts me in the right place, was a hard thing for me to admit. So that's the difference with my faith now is I need it.

• 40:07Ed Mylett?

  Oh, my gosh, you're so awesome. You're so awesome. All right, a couple more things. This flew by, maybe faster than anyone that I've done. We've talked, I want to unpack, forget, let's step out of the grief world for a second.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:19Ed Mylett?

  We've talked a lot, you've brought energy up a few times. It's one of my favorite topics because I am a Christian, I'm a person of faith, but I also cannot deny the frequency thing that you and I discussed. Like, truth vibrates at the highest frequency. Hope, dreams, vision, encouragement vibrates high. Discouragement, hate, lack of tolerance vibrates real low. And you can feel it. Someone who dances, you bring in energy. You feel something when someone dances, right? And I'm conscious of that too. What am I making somebody feel? It's amazing to me how many human beings go through life and they don't understand. You're always making people feel something. And being intentional about that matter. So just discuss, like, it could be from a dance perspective, how much you think energy,

• 41:01Ed Mylett?

  I think us not being conscious of our own energy reserves, the energy we put out, the energy we feel, the energy our environment brings to us. Just energy in general is like life fuel.

• 41:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:12Ed Mylett?

  Right? What would you say about that?

• 41:14Speaker 02

  I believe in high vibration. I believe that people that are disciplined in their life create a lot of self-care, self-love, self-compassion. And those people that are disciplined in their spiritual health, their mental health, their physical health, I just feel like they vibrate differently because they're confident. And they they know themselves so well and they know what they can bring to the table that they're able to now give to other people.

• 41:39Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  You know, it's a different kind of thing because if you're someone that doesn't know yourself and you don't have discipline and you're not making the right choices, you're not gonna be able to help someone else in that journey to become a better version of themselves. You have to be the better version of who you are and really help everyone around you after that by not even having to do anything. But just vibrating higher, knowing who you are, knowing what you love, disciplining yourself every day, making the right choices, whatever your choices are, because everyone's choices are different.

• 42:03Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 42:05Speaker 02

  You walk into a room with a different kind of energy that just affects everyone. And not from like an ego place of like, oh, I wanna be like them, they're so cool, like, oh. I wanna I wanna feel that way.

• 42:16Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  What are they doing?

• 42:18Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 42:18Speaker 02

  And then if you're someone that they actually, you know, are willing to ask, you can say, oh, well, you know, I do this, that, or the other. And for me, it's like, I I've always been a very disciplined person, a very organized, task-oriented person. And I think that that in my past and that discipline is what has really made me get to where I'm at today.

• 42:39Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Because even through this grief, I've never lost out on my disciplines. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I work out every day, get in my sauna, I do the cold plunge. I am active in like my organization, my home is clean, I clean up after. Those things, and maybe those aren't the same things that make other people feel like they have self-love. But for me, not losing out on those things

• 42:58Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 42:59Speaker 02

  keeps me going every day.

• 43:00Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  And it's and it shows me like, okay, I did the hard thing today. I did things that most people will never do. And I made that choice and I think when I walk into a room, I already know for myself, it's not about me being cool for people. For myself, I know I can show up.

• 43:14Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 43:14Speaker 02

  Because I know I deserve to be where I'm at, because I've worked really hard to be where I'm at, but not necessarily just the cool career. I've been working on myself.

• 43:21Ed Mylett?

  Yes, yeah.

• 43:21Speaker 02

  And I think those people just have a different vibration about them because it's a different kind of confidence because you know. You know you're doing the work.

• 43:30Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  And you can believe in yourself and I can rely on myself. I don't rely on other people and I think you feel that from people. I don't rely, I'm not a, you know what it is, is almost like, oh, this sounds terrible a little bit, but like, almost like energy vultures. People that need to take from your energy.

• 43:43Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  But then there's the other people like, no, I can give you energy because I've worked on it. You know, I want to be one of those people. I want to be one of those people that walks in the room and I've done so much work for myself. But also can keep stuff for myself. But I can give back to everyone.

• 43:57Ed Mylett?

  I think you are. I think you are that person. You know, one thing to check everyone that was listening, I was thinking about what you were saying. For you parents. It's easy to slough that off. Hey, I'm an energy giver. I'm not an energy taker. But then evaluate every area of your life. You said something earlier in the interview where Twitch would come home and go, hey, just give me a moment, I'm gonna be alone. One of the things I evaluated later, and it really bothers me to this day is.

• 44:21Ed Mylett?

  I didn't always bring that energy to my home.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 44:24Ed Mylett?

  Meaning I gave so much out into the world. Right? You relate to this, like so much out into the world. That when I got there, I was almost like, okay, I'm here to rest and recalibrate. Forgetting. My daughter and my son needed it. My wife needed, my mom, my sisters, they needed that energy from me. And that was the place, I showed up as a loving and caring and joyous, but I didn't show up with the energy at home. Because I was so depleted. That's why what you said earlier meant so much to me. I was so depleted and it wasn't until, I don't know, my daughter said something one time. Like daddy, you're so, with everybody else, you're tired. I'm like. Wow, like I don't bring it here like I should and I made that change. You, you look like you wanted to say something about that.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know. That, hearing that, I, I don't think I'd ever thought about that for, the same case with Steven.

• 45:12Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  So I just, I related with what you just said.

• 45:15Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, that's why I related so much with what you had said earlier. Because it's like in every area but where. Because it was when I came through the door, that's where I would recharge. And if I could go back, I would be more conscious of what they were feeling energetically as well. I was a hug my daughter and love my son, but it wasn't the same as some stranger on the street. I'm pouring into them, "Hey, how you doing?" And then I'd come home, like, "Hey, guys." You know, it wasn't the same. Give Dad a minute, I'm gonna recharge for a second. And when I walked through that door, they needed my energy.

• 45:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:48Ed Mylett?

  And so it's just something that, you know, if I evaluated as I got older. All right, last question, kind of a broad one.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 45:54Ed Mylett?

  By the way, you're amazing. You're amazing, this conversation has been amazing. I also know when I'm meeting somebody who's at the beginning of a journey they're on, I'm not talking about your healing journey, that'll happen forever. I'm talking about this thing we're now doing together. You're gonna be a staple in this space somehow. I just feel it, like you're called to this. It's almost like an anointing that you have. Someone's going through something right now. They just had a big setback. Could even be in the last week, or month, or year. A passing in a family, a business failed, they lost their job. They've gained a bunch of weight, whatever it is, right? They're just like, "I am down right now." And I need some direction, or some words, or some wisdom, some energy, whatever it might be.

• 46:38Ed Mylett?

  I need to pick myself up and start over again. What would you say to that person? I know that's a tough one.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  I mean, it's a really big question, but I think you kind of even answered it in the question. Stand up and start. Everyone had setbacks. The only great people in the world that did something had setbacks. And they're the ones that persevered forward. And you're gonna do it alone. You will, and you have to. The people that are great and made change in the world were the people that everyone couldn't stand behind, made fun of, thought were silly for their choices, tried pulling them back down when you tried to get back up. You just gotta do it alone and be okay with that. It will make you a stronger human. You just gotta go. You know, I tell my kids all the time, "Just show up." There's never a time, you don't wanna go to the gym sometimes.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  You don't wanna go to work sometimes. You're gonna have those hard days, but if you show up, you'll be fine. So show up.

• 47:34Ed Mylett?

  Such a great answer, because I think there are days for you, I imagine, where you're just like, "I'm just gonna get up today and go, and we'll see where the day takes me." And it's those days where you're like, "No, I'm gonna lay here and wallow in it." By the way, maybe there's a day or two where you do need to do that. But there's something about, you can't teach someone to drive a parked car. You gotta get in motion, you gotta make mistakes, you gotta get back in the groove, in the rhythm and the energy. And I know it sounds cheesy, but truly, like, dance is a great metaphor for life. When you get moving, it's pretty difficult in motion to feel bad.

• 48:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:05Ed Mylett?

  It just is. It's just, get in motion, get your body moving, go work out, take a walk, take a run. Just dance alone, it's okay. Do something to move yourself.

• 48:15Speaker 02

  I mean, the thing is, that's even crazy with you saying all that, and what I even just, like, it's also not to say by just starting and showing up that you're not gonna come right back down too.

• 48:23Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:24Speaker 02

  You have to just be okay with that.

• 48:25Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, okay.

• 48:26Speaker 02

  You have to be okay with the fact that you're gonna go up, you're gonna get to where you wanna go, you're gonna achieve something, then you're gonna have a moment you come back down. It's, life is waves, constantly in motion, you know?

• 48:34Ed Mylett?

  True.

• 48:35Speaker 02

  And it has to pull back, it has to pivot you forward, it has to pull you back, it has to pivot you forward, because that's what we're here to do.

• 48:40Ed Mylett?

  Thank you for bringing your A-game today. Thank you for that. Thank you for bringing your energy. I love, sometimes I do shows where I go, "Everyone's gonna get so much from this", which for sure just happened. And then there's other ones that I do where I go, "Everyone's gonna get so much from this, but like, I got a gift." You know, like, I got a gift personally from doing the show today, and you, you, you gave me a gift today, in many, many ways. So you made me reflect and think and get better, and this is one of these, I guarantee you, I'll be thinking about for quite a while. So thank you for today.

• 49:11Speaker 02

  Thank you. Thank you for having me.

• 49:13Ed Mylett?

  I loved it. So that's Allison Holker, everybody. So You Think You Can Dance, you can follow her there, follow her on social media. I have a feeling you're gonna be hearing a lot more from her in this world. So, please stay tuned. Share today's episode with somebody, or everybody, that you love and that you believe in. God bless you, everybody. Max out.