581 Gabrielle Bernstein: The Judgment Detox

"JUDGMENT COMES FROM THE MOMENT OF SEPARATION.” One thing I’ve always struggled with in life is feeling like I was being judged. I was afraid of what people would think of me, and I felt I had an image I needed to keep up. I’m sure you can relate. I discovered that this was caused more by judgment of myself. I was judging everything I did right, and everything I did wrong. Anything I did wrong I would beat myself up for. One thing I’ve been working on is letting go of judgment. I try to observe when it’s there, and not have any emotional attachment to it. It’s amazing how much the world can change when judgment isn’t in the picture. "Judgment is toxic and holds us back from living our lives.” On this episode of The School of Greatness we are joined by Gabrielle Bernstein. Gabby is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Universe Has Your Back, and has written five additional bestsellers! She was featured on Oprah’s SuperSoul Sunday as a “next-generation thought leader,” and The New York Times named her “a new role model.” She appears regularly as an expert on The Dr. Oz Show and co-hosted the Guinness World Record largest guided meditation with Deepak Chopra. Gabrielle is a certified Kundalini yoga and meditation teacher. She is also trained in the Emotional Freedom Technique and she’s a student of Transcendental Meditation, as taught by the David Lynch Foundation. YouTube chose Gabrielle as one of its 16 YouTube Next Video Bloggers. Mashable included her in its list of 11 Must-Follow Twitter Accounts for Inspiration. Forbes called her one of the 20 Best-Branded Women. Gabby is here to talk about her newest book, Judgment Detox, Release the beliefs that hold you back from living a better life, that is being released in January 2018. She gives amazing insights on how to control the feeling of judgment and find inner peace and respect for yourself on Episode 581. "Forgiveness isn’t something we have to go figure out.” Some Questions I Ask: Why did you write judgment detox? (5:05) What was judgment doing to you? (6:23) Do you feel like you were more judgmental of yourself or others? (9:54) When did you realize you were so judgmental? (10:41) What’s worse, judging others or judging yourself? (14:40) Do you feel like in order to be less judgmental we have to forgive first? (18:12) What happens when you are triggered? (23:51) How do you approach someone to end judgment of you? (27:51) Do you feel like you and your husband are less judgmental of each other now? (31:04) Who is this book not for? (31:40) In This Episode You Will Learn: What judgment was doing to Gabby (6:23) How judgment is like an addiction (8:26) The effects of word on judgment (10:20) How to stop judging ourselves for judging (11:38) What’s possible for us when we stop judging ourselves or others (14:52) How to navigate everything happening today without judgment (16:19) What happens to our world when we are judging more (26:18) The biggest thing that’s opened up for Gabby since the book has been completed (30:18) Gabby’s vision for her life this year (32:14) Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 581 with number one New York Times bestselling author Gabby Bernstein. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:33Lewis Howes?

  Anne McCaffrey said, "Make no judgments where you have no compassion." Welcome to another powerful episode of the School of Greatness podcast. We have my dear friend Gabby Bernstein on. For those that don't know who Gabby is, she is the number one New York Times bestselling author of The Universe Has Your Back, and has written five additional bestsellers. She was featured on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday as a next generation thought leader, and the New York Times named her a new role model. She appears regularly as an expert on the Dr. Oz Show and co-hosted the Guinness World Record largest guided meditation with Deepak Chopra.

• 1:15Lewis Howes?

  She's a force of nature and people all over the world listen to her, watch her videos, read her books, come to her seminars. She sells out all of her seminars and she's just an inspiring individual and a dear friend. And we cover a powerful topic in this interview. It's all about judgment. We cover where judgment actually comes from, why we judge ourselves so much and so many other people, how to break free of the cycle of judgment, and how judgment is actually affecting our politics, our families, and our society and our health right now. We cover so much about this topic. And Gabby really dives in deep about all these things. Before we dive into the interview,

• 1:57Lewis Howes?

  want to give a shout out to the fan of the week. And this is from Casey Lee. Casey says, "Lewis and team have created something extremely special here. The guests they invite onto the show have lessons..." That anyone can learn from if they are willing to listen, take notes and apply what they have learned. I've been listening to the podcast in my morning commute for a month now, and I am not disappointed in how the positive content has changed my days for better and helped me build a better mindset of positivity and renewed my drive to hustle harder while being a better human. Thank you, Lewis. So Casey Lee, thank you so much for being the fan of the week.

• 2:38Lewis Howes?

  And if you guys want a chance to be shouted out on the podcast, all you need to do is head over to the School of Greatness podcast over on iTunes, or if you're listening to the podcast on the Apple app right now, you can do that on your phone. So go ahead and do that right now for your chance to be shouted out as a fan of the week. I am super excited about this one. Again, Gabby Bernstein is a force of nature. She is inspiring so many people all over the world. If you're listening to this right now, take a screenshot on your phone that you're listening, upload it to your Instagram page, your Instagram story, tag myself at Lewis Howes and at Gabby Bernstein right now so that we can both see you on Instagram and connect with you. I pretty much respond to almost everyone

• 3:23Lewis Howes?

  that I can. So send me a direct message, screenshotting this on your story, and I'll reply to you, hopefully, if I can get to all of them. But I like to have as many conversations as I can. And I know Gabby would love to see who's listening to this as well. So go ahead and do that on Instagram, Twitter, and let us know. All right, guys, I'm super pumped. Again, let me introduce to you the one, the only Gabby Bernstein.

• 3:53Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone back to the School of Greatness podcast. We have the legendary Gabby Bernstein in the house. High fives. We're a little farther away than normal, but it's okay. Good to see you and congrats on the new book.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  It's always good to see you. Thank you for having me back on the show.

• 4:06Lewis Howes?

  Of course, Judgment Detox is in the house. Make sure you guys go get it right now. Your last book was a huge hit, number one New York Times bestseller. So congratulations on that. You've got this other book out right now. Why, why Judgment Detox?

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Well, this is definitely my most timely book.

• 4:24Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 4:25Speaker 01

  And I don't know that I planned it.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  I think the universe has my back, Lewis. And what happened was, when I was writing The Universe Has Your Back, there was a chapter in the book about judgment. And I wrote this whole chapter about how we had to heal our judgment in order to deepen our connection with the universe. And I recall writing that chapter and then being at the end of that chapter and just dropping my hands and thinking, oh shit, this is a book. This is an entire book. Because I realized there was so much more I had to say on that topic. So, right after The Universe Has Your Back published, I sold this book. And then I wrote it right away. It was right in the middle of the 2016 elections. So, we were at the height of the most divisive time we've ever seen. I'm writing this whole book on judgment.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  I'm in the, I personally always write what's going on for me. So, I'm in the midst of like, some of the most deep rooted judgmental dramas of my own life. And I'm just writing about all of them. And through the process of writing this book, as it always happens, I had an amazing experience of healing myself and healing my experience of how I judge and what judgment was doing to me emotionally and physically and mentally.

• 5:37Lewis Howes?

  What was it doing to you?

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Oh, it was blocking my power. It was blocking my connection to my relationship to a higher power. It was blocking my connection to my intuition. It was blocking my capacity to attract what I wanted into my life. It was affecting my relationships. It was making me play small. It was keeping me stuck in just like, a really low vibe. Because I didn't even realize how judgmental I was until I started writing this book.

• 6:07Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 6:08Speaker 01

  And that's the thing that I think unfortunately is gonna happen for everybody when they read this book is they're gonna be like, uh-oh. And it's actually not unfortunate, because in order to heal those patterns, we have to look at them.

• 6:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Where does judgment come from?

• 6:19Speaker 01

  What I write about here is that judgment comes from the moment of separation. So, all of us in our own lives, in our own different experiences, particularly when we're young children, have experiences of separating from the genuine love and compassion, connectedness and oneness and the truth of who we are. And that separation can happen as an infant, it can happen as a two, three, or four year old, it can happen in high school. And those moments of separation are those moments when someone in some way makes you feel inadequate, or you hear something that implies that you're better than or less than, or you start to pick up the experiences of the world or your parents' belief

• 6:59Speaker 01

  systems that in some way infuse this belief system that you are different, that you are not good enough, that you are alone, that you are better than, or whatever it may be. And all of those moments of separation become belief systems, and they become thoughts that we keep thinking. And as we start to develop that separation over and over and over, it becomes the belief of who we are, it becomes the, almost the pretense that we place upon ourselves. And so that deep wound that we have from that moment of separation is something that we run from our entire life. And judgment is just one of the ways that we run.

• 7:36Lewis Howes?

  So is it like an addiction then?

• 7:37Speaker 01

  Exactly. That was my next sentence to you. Always thinking right ahead. And you know, you are one of the best active listeners I've ever met. This is why I love coming on the show, because I have this like amazing experience of having this man having this active listening.

• 7:51Lewis Howes?

  Most men aren't that way?

• 7:52Speaker 01

  My husband's really good at it too, actually.

• 7:54Lewis Howes?

  Are you being judgmental of men?

• 7:55Speaker 01

  No, actually, can I be honest with you? I think actually, women are not as good at active listening than men are. Men are probably even better at it than women. Yeah. But it feels good to have like a man really like listening and responding. But all of us should be active listening. Women were just such great multitaskers that we're like, it's hard to actively listen.

• 8:11Lewis Howes?

  So it's more of an addiction to what masks the pain?

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Yes. So the same way we would use drugs, or alcohol, or sex, or love, or whatever it is, to avoid feeling our deep rooted feelings, we use judgment the same way.

• 8:25Lewis Howes?

  Because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Oh, absolutely. But seemingly, for a moment in time. So what will happen is we'll feel that feeling of inadequacy, we'll feel that feeling of shame, where we won't feel it, we'll notice it, and then we'll say, okay, I'm not going to deal with that. So I'm going to project out what I do not want to feel within. And that's what, that projection, that pushing out... Becomes an addictive pattern. And then there's a cycle because ultimately what happens is is we're putting it out because we don't want to feel it. And then we feel guilty unconsciously because we've judged, because that's not the truth of who we are. So then we judge ourselves often for judging or just judge ourselves in general. And then we don't want to feel that feeling. So we judge somebody else again. So it becomes a very vicious cycle.

• 9:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Do you feel like you were more judgmental of others or yourself?

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Oh, ah, probably 50 50. I think that I was more obviously judgmental of others. But that judgment of others was just projecting out the judgments I had about myself. So I also believe that when we judge others, we're often judging others for the disowned parts of our own shadow.

• 9:27Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. Now, is it judgment if you don't say it to anyone?

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:34Lewis Howes?

  If you just say it to yourself like, she looks really weird today. Like we're just saying it in your mind. Is that still judgment?

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 9:41Lewis Howes?

  Now, is it worse to verbalize it to other people then?

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Well, it just creates more momentum behind it. So whatever we say out loud just becomes perpetuated as we speak it.

• 9:50Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. When did you realize that you were so judgmental, I guess? Or you were in this space or it was another addiction of yours?

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Writing this book was when I realized it. Yeah, when I was writing the book, I was just like, oh, man, this is, this is not, this is not. And then I put my face on the book, which was really quite brave.

• 10:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Right now, when I walk around and my husband's like, judgment detox, judgment detox. But I realized it when I was writing the book because writing the book, I started to feel this really deep sense that the important thing that I did here was the first step in the book is to witness your judgment without judgment. Because what happened was I-

• 10:28Lewis Howes?

  To not judge yourself when you're judging others.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Exactly, because I noticed myself throughout writing this book, I had to pay close attention to my own behavior because that's what I was asking the reader to do. And I was applying all the steps to myself. And so I really had to live that first step of to not judge myself for all the judgments because it was just unbelievable.

• 10:46Lewis Howes?

  So how do we end the judgment of ourself of judgment?

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Well, that first step does a really nice job of letting you off the hook and giving you full permission to look at your behavior and love yourself anyway. And sometimes when you have that self-help book author just saying, this is the task, this is the exercise, the exercise is to love yourself anyway, that feels good.

• 11:10Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm. So love yourself, even if your entire life you've judged people and made people wrong or hurt people through your words or whatever it may be, let it go and start fresh, essentially.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  The steps that follow that first step give you the pathway to undoing the pattern. And the first step is really just the simplest part, which is just simply look at it. Just look at it and be aware. Yeah.

• 11:36Lewis Howes?

  Of you being judgmental in general.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. And start to understand, you ask yourself four questions in the first step. So what or whom am I judging? How does it make me feel? Why am I justified in that judgment? And is there an experience from my past that has caused me to believe in this judgment? So an example that I did, I did Dr. Oz yesterday and I was workshopping a woman on the show. And so it was like, what or whom are you judging? And she's like, I'm judging myself. And I said, how does that make you feel? It makes me feel really inadequate. It makes me feel less than it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And then it was, and why do you feel justified in that judgment? And she said, well, I'm overweight and I don't do this right, don't do that right. And all these different things that she feels about herself. And then I said, well, what was the experience from your past? And she said, when I was a kid, I was judged.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  This was sort of the off-camera part. The on-camera part, she wasn't that vulnerable because it's a little tough, you know?

• 12:27Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  But to hear that story that she felt judged, then she then became the judger.

• 12:32Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 12:33Speaker 01

  There was an experience that she, you know, a specific experience in her life where she felt judged and that put, and she knew that that was the moment when she detoured into that belief system.

• 12:41Lewis Howes?

  Are all of us judgmental from early ages, you think?

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Yes, I think that we are not born that way. We are born with the God within us. We are born in with that truth of who we are. We are born in that ease and that light and that love. And I believe that and I know that is true for everyone. And we're born into circumstances that build up these pretenses and these belief systems around us that.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Create false judgmental beliefs and that false judgment becomes the detour in the wrong direction.

• 13:12Lewis Howes?

  Especially in elementary school, middle school, high school, it's like it's almost like you have to be judgmental, right? To fit in.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  To survive, yeah.

• 13:19Lewis Howes?

  To fit in, to like have friends.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  And these days, it's it's just a pervasive issue because.

• 13:23Lewis Howes?

  Instagram.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Instagram and Snapchat. I mean, these kids are all day long, just judging themselves and comparing themselves and looking at the likes and it's just and adults are doing it too. I mean, so that's why I think this is such a timely book. It's not just because of what's happening with the moment to moment judgments that we're seeing politically or globally, but also the judgments that we're experiencing from this high speed experience of seeing ourselves against other people all day long.

• 13:52Lewis Howes?

  What's worse, judging others or judging judging yourself?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  I think it's the same thing. I think it's the same thing. It's gonna it's gonna have the same same effect.

• 14:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:03Lewis Howes?

  What's possible for us when we stop judging ourselves or others?

• 14:07Speaker 01

  All right, so let me be super clear. Practicing this book doesn't mean that we stop judging, right?

• 14:15Lewis Howes?

  It's always gonna happen.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  So my experience has been that it's not that I gave up judgment entirely. I did cut it. I mean, I did like I judge far less. It's that I don't believe in it anymore. And then on top of that, I do catch myself quickly. So even this morning, I was with my publicist, Jesse, and we were at an event and I was talking with my my event partners and I was kind of like complaining about something that I had that that didn't come out the way I wanted it to. And I was getting into it about the partner that I had that didn't do a good job with it. And then like I heard myself speaking and because of my practice here, I was able to literally unwind it in a minute, like in like 30 seconds. I was like, but the good thing is this.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  And I was able to replace it with something better because I saw that that judgment was lowering my vibe, it was lowering their vibe, it was creating this whole like low vibe experience that I didn't want to have.

• 15:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  And because of my practice and my dedication to the judgment detox, I was able to get out of it really fast. And so that's the miracle. The miracle isn't that it's gone. The miracle is that you don't believe in it anymore.

• 15:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. How do we handle it today, though, with like just just like you said, with the political climate? There's so much of the leadership that is judgmental and just constantly judging and it's showing us how. Showing us the example in a high form of leadership. How do we navigate all this? And with just everything in general, with the sexual harassment cases that are coming out with everything that's happening.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  There's a difference between judgment and discernment. So discernment is, let's just be real, like we have a unfit president. I'm not judging him. I have a deep compassion for him. I actually have a deep compassion for him because I've practiced this book on him. Okay. So I have a real place of deep compassion for him and, you know, I pray for him to get well. Okay. That's real. I mean that. And because I don't think it's he's well. That's, that's where we're come, but that's where we're at. Right. And this isn't about, you know, anything political. This is just like, this isn't, this is not right. And so with that feeling of like, this isn't, this is, you know, a situation of someone not being well. When we practice these principles, we come from a place of compassion.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  And that compassion begins to dissolve that boundary of judgment. And that's been my experience. So.

• 16:35Lewis Howes?

  So it'd be loving as opposed to judging.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  Well, it's seeing people in their innocence. There's a step in the book called see for the first time. And that's a step that's really bold. It's a step where you have to really turn back the story and choose to see someone through the lens of love. I don't know if I shared this story the last time I was on. Did I share the story about my father at the temple?

• 16:59Lewis Howes?

  I'm not sure.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  All right, I'll tell you now.

• 17:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  So I'm in the book, in this see for the first time piece, I tell a story about my relationship with my father and how I had like a pretty tough time with different, difficult relationship with my dad. And we'd always argue and we'd get on these heated debates about the same issue over and over again. And it would keep coming up every weekend. And there was a week, like right around the time of my birthday, that was my grandfather's yart site, which means the anniversary of his death in Jewish religion. And my father, every year celebrates both of his parents' yarts. He goes to temple. He, they call my grandparents' names out. It's a really beautiful thing that he honors them.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  And so I was in this like really heated debate with my dad. We were arguing and like fighting. And at the end of the conversation, he said, you know, Gabby, I feel really judged by you. And this is right in the middle while I'm writing this book. And I was like.

• 17:57Lewis Howes?

  You're writing a book and.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:58Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  And I said, well, you know, Dad, I am judging you and I'm actually writing a book about this right now and I appreciate your feedback. I appreciate you presenting this to me and helping me see this from a different lens. And so I took that in. And then I, he said, okay, at the end of the conversation, he said, okay, so I'll see you next Friday for temple and we'll go to dinner for your birthday and then we'll go to temple for Poppy's yard site. Okay. So we go to dinner and typically like my family always says, we, we, we show up late for temple because that's what we did every time we'd go to temple. And we sneak in the back and we're standing in the back of the temple. And we're, you know, listening to the sermon and as God would have it, the sermon is all about just compassion and love and kindness.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  And I'm just sitting there, I'm just like, oh my God. I'm like thinking about all these things. And it was just like, he was literally speaking to me exactly what I needed to hear. And at the end of the sermon, the rabbi says, you know, there's a very, very lovely family here tonight. They're a family that's been in this congregation for many years and I want to really acknowledge the Bernstein's. Edgar Bernstein's here with his daughter Gabby and his son Max and his wife. And, and I want to really acknowledge Edgar because Edgar's here every single year on his father's yard site and his mother's yard site, really honoring his elders. And so this year I went into the archives of our membership box. And I have all these membership cards from our members.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  And I pulled out Seymour Bernstein's membership card for Edgar, his father's membership card. And I wanted to give this to Edgar tonight. And so I saw my dad in the temple that night, like it's making me very emotional right now, like, like standing there in the temple, like in tears, just like standing in his stillness and just crying and, and just like really just moved deeply from this moment. And I was so deeply moved by that and I could see him in that light. And in that moment, I was really able to see him for the first time. I could see him as a member of a community. I could see him as a man who shows up for his elders. I could see him as someone who was just acknowledged by his rabbi.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  And that was, it was just a real moment of dissolving the judgment.

• 20:14Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  And I went home and I wrote that chapter.

• 20:16Lewis Howes?

  That's a beautiful story.

• 20:16Speaker 01

  I had a see for the first time.

• 20:18Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's very beautiful. Yeah, because there's so much probably tied into family relationships of like, all the situations we've grown up as kids with our parents. It's hard not to judge our parents. I think a lot of kids judge their parents, right?

• 20:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, they're probably the people we want to judge most because we blame them.

• 20:35Lewis Howes?

  For everything, right?

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:37Lewis Howes?

  It's hard to be a parent.

• 20:38Speaker 01

  That's where the forgiveness step in this chapter comes in.

• 20:40Lewis Howes?

  Forgiveness.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  In this book, the sixth step in the chapter is, in the book, is the chapter six is about forgiveness.

• 20:45Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like in order to be less judgmental, we need to forgive first?

• 20:50Speaker 01

  So forgiving comes last, actually. So in this book, because ultimately it'd be amazing if you can get into the practice of forgiveness and it becomes a second nature. But I, I really put this as the last step in the book because ultimately my hope was that you could go through this journey of unraveling and undoing the belief systems of judgment so that you could

• 21:12Lewis Howes?

  First.

• 21:13Speaker 01

  First, so that by the time you get to the place of forgiveness, you feel more connected, you feel more aligned, and you feel like it's going to be something that can be bestowed upon you. Because forgiveness isn't something that we have to go figure out. Like a lot of times people are like, I have to go forgive, I have to make that happen. Really forgiveness is something that's bestowed upon you.

• 21:33Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like you've forgiven yourself for everything?

• 21:37Speaker 01

  Not yet, no.

• 21:38Lewis Howes?

  What's still not to forgive?

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Oh, you ask all the hard questions.

• 21:42Lewis Howes?

  What's still in your mind that you haven't forgiven?

• 21:43Speaker 01

  Um.

• 21:44Lewis Howes?

  About yourself?

• 21:45Speaker 01

  I think that I'm hard on myself. I'm hard on myself and

• 21:52Speaker 01

  I have to try to forgive myself. I mean, even yesterday, I was in my therapy and I was like, I realized that I was having some like, like, physical stuff come up and I was blaming myself for it.

• 22:02Lewis Howes?

  Like, physical sickness?

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Like, my stomach, I had some stomach stuff and I was blaming myself for getting so stressed out that my stomach would be upset. And my therapist reminded me in that moment, she was like, this situation that we were discussing that will not be discussed on Lewis Howes Talk Podcast. This issue that we were addressing in my, the privacy of my therapy session, she's like, this is the trigger, like, that's your core wound. This has been triggered. Of course you would be stressed. Of course you would get sick. And it was just like, having somebody see me in that innocence, helped me forgive myself.

• 22:35Lewis Howes?

  You don't want to share the trigger?

• 22:36Speaker 01

  Oh, God, no.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  It's all wrapped up in a lot of things.

• 22:42Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so you haven't forgiven yourself for that thing?

• 22:45Speaker 01

  You know, today, yesterday I did. Like, yesterday I had a moment of saying, yeah, okay, you know, you're triggered again. And this is how you responded. This was the best you could do. And you got sick from it. And you're getting better now.

• 23:01Lewis Howes?

  What happens when you're triggered? Do you feel like you just tighten up or you're stressed out inside? And you put a lot of pressure on yourself and you feel like that's what's the cause of it?

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. So when I get triggered, I, yeah, my stomach tightens. My, you know, I, I get riled up. I go zero to 10.

• 23:17Lewis Howes?

  Is it more, you don't have to tell me the thing, but is it more a personal thing? Or is it more a business-related thing?

• 23:23Speaker 01

  Well, it's all a personal thing, but it shows up everywhere. Right? So we're all triggered. This book is gonna trigger your triggers. It's not gonna trigger your triggers. It's gonna help you understand how to manage your triggers. And not only, let's not talk about management, let's talk about heal. The whole second step of the book is to honor the wounds. And honoring the wounds means that we, the wounds that live beneath the judgments are the reason that we act out, right? It's the reason, we talked about this already, like, this is the reason that we pick up the drink or we use the judgment.

• 23:54Lewis Howes?

  It's the trigger.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  It's the trigger.

• 23:55Lewis Howes?

  The root trigger.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  It's, it's the trigger. And so when that thing, that, you know...

• 24:00Lewis Howes?

  Don't manage it, heal it.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Heal it. And so in this second step, I use Emotional Freedom Technique, which I know you interviewed Nick Ortner, so everybody already knows what tapping is, because they listen to every single show, so they never miss anything. But I use E F T. And that tapping exercise is one of the most powerful ways to heal the root cause and the energetic disturbance that lives beneath the wound. So I tap all the time.

• 24:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, because it's a constant practice. You don't just say, I'm healed one time. It's like, we've got to practice it all the time.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  We have to practice it all the time.

• 24:35Lewis Howes?

  It's like, can't just meditate for a week.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  No, you gotta keep it going.

• 24:38Lewis Howes?

  Tap for a week.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Keep it going.

• 24:39Lewis Howes?

  Because it's going to come back at some point.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  You can have transformational healing from tapping and walk away and be like, that's gone. I'm good.

• 24:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, but I mean, if we've got 20, 30 years of conditioning of triggers, it might take five, 10 years of practice for that to fully heal. To where we're not triggered, you know, every day it happens, you know?

• 24:58Speaker 01

  The nice thing about something like E F T is that it can be healed in five sessions or one session. I mean, I'm sure Nick, you know, told you the miracles, right? So it's like, you can have that. But then there's nuances of those triggers or there's aspects. So in tapping, it's like we talk about at tabletops. It's like you have different aspects of the issue and you kick out one and then you got to kick out the next one. You kick out the next one, the kick out the next one, the table can collapse. And so it's, there may still be other aspects that can come up. So you have to keep tapping to kick out those other aspects.

• 25:28Lewis Howes?

  Is there a society, like a country, that judges the most?

• 25:32Speaker 01

  Probably U S. Yeah, I'm just guessing.

• 25:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, probably. And what is, what happens to our world when we're judging more?

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Right, great question. So I think that the, I write about this in the book, that the reason for a lot of the world issues that we're seeing today, the root cause is judgment. Think about it, terrorism, it's judgment. It's separation, it's seeing separateness. What we're seeing politically, separation. It's seeing with separateness.

• 26:01Lewis Howes?

  Obesity, all the challenges we're facing.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  It's separateness, exactly. It's feelings of inadequacy that have led to self judgment and attack and then projected outward. The fear that everyone's feeling is, is coming from that sense of separation, that feeling of not feeling safe, not feeling connected, feeling very alone. And so that is a issue that has become an epidemic and we're seeing it all throughout the world. And ultimately, right now, I mean, I feel that what my hope and my intention with this book is, is that Each individual that has the opportunity to go through these six steps. My prayer is that as they create those shifts in their own life, that they will begin to carry the message.

• 26:42Lewis Howes?

  To ripple out, yeah.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  And it's not even about necessarily feeling like, oh, now I've got to go teach this, which many people may feel called to. Being it, yeah. That you'll just take that moment like I did today, and you'll unpack that story, and you'll back it up, and you'll start over. Or you will just not do it.

• 26:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. When you're noticing someone's being judgmental of you, what's the best way to approach that conversation? To say, as opposed to saying, you know, being mean about it, but how do you start that conversation? Where you want someone to end judgment of you? Like your dad said with you, I feel like you're being judgmental. Is there a way or an approach? Say your girlfriends are being very judgmental of other people. Is there a way to have that conversation? Where you say, hey, listen, I'm noticing that we're being very judgmental, including myself. Is there a way to talk about it?

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Well, there's two things. One, if you're feeling judged by someone, the first question you have to ask yourself is, how am I judging myself? Because we wouldn't have the feeling of being judged if it wasn't something that was a wound within us. So if somebody was like saying something about you, but it's not your trigger, I'm sure this happens, like, you know, you're a very public figure. It's like, people may say stuff, all those have. But if it's not your trigger, you're like, whatever.

• 27:57Lewis Howes?

  But when it hits the trigger.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  When it hits the trigger, you're like, balls. Yes, exactly. You're knives out, knives out, right? And so you and I have like a lot in common, you know, because we're really, really nice. But then when you mess with us, it's like, you know. And that's the thing, it's like, I was, my mantra, I can curse on this show, right? My mantra was always like, if you [BLEEP] with me, [BLEEP] with death row. Like, can you believe like this, like spiritual teacher is saying this? But, you know, I was always very loving and kind, but if you do not want to mess with me. And I've done a lot of tapping on that. Even with Nick, Nick even was tapping with me today. He's like, are you ready to put down the knives? So there's work that I've done around that where I've had really big relief. And then there's more to do. Because, you know, my trigger is feeling being taken advantage of. So if I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

• 28:43Lewis Howes?

  Why are we so similar?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  We are very, well, you know, we've got similar stories, you know? And so it's like, you know, if you've had experiences in your past that where you've been taken advantage of. Particularly as a child, you are going to protect yourself. And just my heart goes out to everyone out there who has had any experience where they've felt in any way abused or attacked and all the women who are speaking up right now, it's just like unbelievable. And then the men who are brave enough like you to speak up, it's like when we see that, it's that's the first step to putting down the knives because we have those knives out because we're protecting ourselves because of the shame and the fear and the fear, fear, fear of it happening again.

• 29:23Lewis Howes?

  What's the biggest thing that's opened up for you during the process of writing, besides your father's experience and since the book's been complete for you?

• 29:31Speaker 01

  Oh, so much has happened throughout this journey. I mean, friendships have changed. Yeah, work relationships ended. Wasn't an easy year, but

• 29:43Speaker 01

  it was all in the pursuit of greater healing. And I can look back at a lot of the stories that I wrote about in this book that I was living and in a year they've been healed, even even if I didn't go back to that work relationship or didn't rekindle that connection, there's love. Sometimes the miracle isn't that you get back together. The miracle is that you are at peace.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  And find peace.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  My marriage is better. You know, my husband and I, my husband edits edits my book. So he edited this book and we've just had such a nice opportunity to deepen our relationship as a result of living this practice.

• 30:17Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like you're less judgmental of each other?

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Much less, yeah. Yeah. And we're much more aware of the ways that we judge each other. And so the other answer to the question you asked earlier is so if you feel someone's judging you, ask yourself, what is it that I'm judging about myself? But then there's this other step where it's really allowing yourself, rather than acting out from the place of the trigger, speaking from the place of your higher self. Saying, I just like my father did that day, I want, I want to let you know I feel judged by you because that can be heard. I think you can really be heard when you say things like that to somebody.

• 30:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:53Lewis Howes?

  Who's it not for?

• 30:54Speaker 01

  It's not for people that don't want to give up judgment. So

• 30:58Lewis Howes?

  If you're holding on to it.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Some people just feel really justified in that judgment. They want it. They're not ready. They're not willing. And it's not for the unwilling. So it's for anyone that wants to feel better.

• 31:08Lewis Howes?

  All of us.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  All of us. Anyone that wants to feel better and is willing to to go there.

• 31:14Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Well, I'm excited about this. It's out now. Make sure you guys go get it. Judgment Detox. Release the beliefs that hold you back from living a better life. Couple final questions for you. What's your vision for your life this year?

• 31:28Speaker 01

  I think I said this last year, so it's a little bit, I want to use the word shameful. I want to use the word or sad. I want to bring light to it. I want to bring grace to it. But I shared with this you, I think, I've been sharing very publicly that I want to have a child. And so my vision this year, I'm taking it very seriously now. And I'm ready.

• 31:48Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  And I feel that some of the work that I needed to put into the world has been birthed. And and this baby's birthed and and now I'm ready. And we really do pray that next year when I'm on your podcast, I'm with my baby.

• 32:03Lewis Howes?

  I hope so too.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  I've been saying it for a long time.

• 32:06Lewis Howes?

  With your baby there.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:08Lewis Howes?

  That'd be amazing.

• 32:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  Picture of you with my baby.

• 32:11Lewis Howes?

  I'm in. I already see it, though. I already see it.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  I can see it too. And that's the thing. And that's actually a beautiful lesson for everybody. It's a new year. It's like getting that momentum, like you could hear me just now, let's use me as an example. You could hear me just now going into like, oh, I feel so bad because I probably said this last year on your podcast and getting into the drama, right? Or I hope it's not another year away, you know? But then the second that I started to pivot and say like, I see you with my baby, you could see me light up and I can feel that coming. And so that momentum, that it's placebo, right? It's like that belief and that momentum get really helps co-create what you want in life. And it helps you open invisible doors and find the doctors who will help you or find the healing that you need

• 32:55Speaker 01

  to create what it is that you want to create. So catch yourself, everybody, just like I just did, in the dramas and drop your drama and pivot and reach for a better feeling thought very quickly.

• 33:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I love it. Gabby, I acknowledge you for constantly evolving and growing and

• 33:16Lewis Howes?

  Teaching us so many things that can help us live a better life. I mean, you're a powerful example of what's possible in the world to overcome so much. You've overcome so much in your life and every year you continue to grow and help others heal. So I acknowledge you for the greatness in you and make sure you guys pick up a copy of this book gabbybernstine.com or is it Gabrielle Bernstein?

• 33:37Speaker 01

  It's gabbybernstine.com.

• 33:39Lewis Howes?

  gabbybernstine.com or anywhere books are sold. Go check it out. Send some love to Gabby's Way and get the book for a friend as well. Gabby, you're amazing. Thanks for coming on.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Thank you. I love you.

• 33:50Lewis Howes?

  Love you too.

• 33:54Lewis Howes?

  Oh, I love this. I always love connecting with Gabby and hearing her wisdom and learning something new. Again, The Judgment Detox. Make sure to pick up a copy of the book right now. It's out in stores. You can go on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, everywhere else. We've got the show notes at lewishouse.com/581 and you can get the link to the book there. So you can go buy it online and you can watch the full video interview of me and Gabby as well. Again, lewishouse.com/581. Judgment is toxic and it holds us back from living our best lives, from having deeper relationships, from interacting better with our friends, from staying online and putting out great work. If we're judging ourselves and judging others, we're holding

• 34:37Lewis Howes?

  ourselves back from our gifts. It's time to detox and let that judgment go because you are born as a gift and you are meant to give your gift away. Living in judgment will only hold you back. And as Anne McCaffrey said, "Make no judgments where you have no compassion." Again, live with some compassion today. Be compassionate towards your friends, your family, the people around you. And live with less judgment. I love you and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.

• 35:47Lewis Howes?

  You.