My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums

📱 Early access: Watch episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show one week early—download the free Ramsey Network app today! On today’s episode, we hear about: · A wife unsure how to address her husband’s frequent temper tantrums · A son wanting to encourage his homeless father to get help · A woman wondering how to tell her friend about her pregnancy Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  My dad has a huge drug problem that's very likely going to kill him. He's been in and out of jail and I don't know exactly how long he's been homeless. He's been homeless in San Francisco for at least 10 years.

• 0:20Dr. John Delony?

  It's okay to be angry, but rage isn't going to solve the problem, right? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Put on my headphones. I was talking too much about the game last night and they started the show without me. I hope you are having a great week wherever you happen to find yourself. I hope you're having a great day wherever you happen to be listening to the show, whether you're going for a walk, you're at the gym, cleaning something, you're washing your car, you're headed to work, wherever you happen to be, I'm glad that you're with us. We're talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health. For 20 years, I've been sitting with people when the wheels have fallen off their life and we've had to map out a plan together. What's your next right move?

• 1:05Dr. John Delony?

  And that's what this show is about, sitting with hurting people, real people going through real challenges, trying to figure out what's the next right move. I hope you will call in with whatever's going on in your life and join us on the show. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com/ask. A-S-K. Let's go out to Bend, Oregon. Not bend over, Bend, Oregon and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up?

• 1:34Speaker 02

  Hey, not much. How are you?

• 1:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right. How about you?

• 1:39Speaker 02

  I'm doing well.

• 1:40Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. What's going on?

• 1:42Speaker 02

  We're cold here, so, um, not so much, just, uh, I just wanted to get your thoughts on, on something that, um, I've been struggling with, with my, my husband, so.

• 1:54Dr. John Delony?

  Go for it. What's up?

• 1:56Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, I just, um, when we go out, um, it's, uh, it turns into these, what I call for him, a tantrum, you know, the kids can see it and hear it and stuff and it's, um...

• 2:13Speaker 02

  It's just so hard. I don't know how to navigate through it. Um, like when we're just loading up the car.

• 2:18Dr. John Delony?

  Give me an example.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Um, well, he'll say, well, great. Everyone's out today and because we do things on the weekends. And, um, oh, I'm not the only one that had this idea. And then, you know, I should be working instead of out, you know, doing this and, um.

• 2:39Dr. John Delony?

  So sometimes when I pull into a parking lot of a restaurant that I really wanted to eat at and it's packed, I will say, oh, good. I'm the only one who had this idea today.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:50Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm kind of being silly. I'm kind of being annoyed, but not annoyed at anything in particular, but just the fact that

• 2:57Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  everyone else likes a great restaurant too. Like, so is he being silly or is he being an immature brat?

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, he's, he's making it. Yeah, he's being a, you would say a brat. Um, he, you know, is, um, like, why do I have to do this all like every weekend? And, you know, their kids are pretty small. They're toddlers. And, you know, he'll go on to say, you know, this is, you know, for you, what you like to do. And because they're not going to remember. So what, what's the point? You know, this is a waste of time and, um, we shouldn't be spending the money anyway. And, and he just keeps going on and.

• 3:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So why do you keep inviting him?

• 3:41Speaker 02

  Well, I'm expecting our fourth. I mean, like for family things, um, I find, um, around where we live, it's nice to have him on the weekends so he can, you know, kind of play with the kids and, um.

• 3:56Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't want to. He doesn't like this life.

• 4:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's, uh, it's hard because I thought he.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  He did, um, cause sometimes when we do go out, he does enjoy himself. So that just makes it hard. So I guess I'm.

• 4:15Dr. John Delony?

  What, what does he say? When, have you ever sat down not on a weekend and just talked through like, hey, what's, what's going on? I feel like you don't like to be around us. You don't like our, the life that we're creating together. What's going on?

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Um, well, he works from home and he says he needs to be out, you know, working and doing things for us for, you know, our financial stability. Um, and then whatever we do on a weekend takes away from that.

• 4:44Dr. John Delony?

  Is he just saying that indiscriminately? Or have y'all sat down and worked out your family finances and realized, okay, with, with a fourth on the way, we need to make some extra money during a season?

• 4:54Speaker 02

  Uh, we haven't actually. No.

• 5:00Dr. John Delony?

  So have you ever heard me talk about pictures and words before?

• 5:05Speaker 02

  No.

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So one of, I, I think one of the easiest ways to distill down 99% of marriage conflict is this idea that we think in pictures, but we speak in words.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 5:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so for instance, your husband says, um, I'll go, I'll do something with the family this weekend. And you say, let's do something with the family this weekend.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 5:34Dr. John Delony?

  You have a very clear picture in your mind about what you think that's going to look like. Y'all are going to be singing in the car. The kids are going to be well behaved. Y'all are going to go get ice cream or breakfast or whatever you're doing. Like y'all are going to go do some things together. Go to a park and play.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  He has a picture of something totally different. And so the first time somebody cuts him off in traffic, or the first time he goes to the first place y'all wanted to go and it's full and you see what I'm saying? Like you, you miss each other in the night.

• 6:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so, or he'll say something like, "Hey, finances are kinda tight." Well, you'll think, "Okay, I'll just order water instead of Diet Coke." And he's thinking, "We're $10,000 short right now." And he's trying to shoulder it all. Without, without the skills to communicate or the desire to communicate with you the actual situation. And so, often, couples sitting down and saying, "Okay. We're about to have child number four. Our life as we knew it is about to be over again. We're about to rebuild something new."

• 6:35Dr. John Delony?

  Right now, it feels like we have a life that we can't afford because you're concerned about money. To the point that you don't want to be around your family.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  You work from home, yet we can only do things as a family on the weekends. And it rarely seems to bring you joy.

• 6:56Dr. John Delony?

  I want to build a life that you want to be a part of, and I want to build a life that I want to be a part of.

• 7:02Speaker 02

  Right.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  And so, a conversation that my wife and I have every single day. One of us will ask, "Hey, what's your picture for today look like?"

• 7:11Dr. John Delony?

  Because what we were doing is we would say things like,

• 7:15Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna come home, I'll be home a little bit later tonight." Well, in my head, I'm gonna get off work because I have media until 6:30. And then I'm gonna go grab some dinner with a couple of coworkers. And then I'm gonna go to band practice. I'm not gonna get home till 9:00. For my wife, she has a picture of me being a little late home tonight at 6:00 instead of 5:30. So she just bumps dinner back, and the whole family's sitting around waiting.

• 7:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so, we say, "What's your picture of today look like?" And I'll say, "I've got this, and I've got this, and I've got this, and I've got this." "Okay, great. We're gonna have dinner at 5:30 without you. Great."

• 7:52Dr. John Delony?

  And so, you and your husband sitting down and saying, "Okay, we get to map out what this thing looks like. We get to build what it looks like." And you have to be clear...

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  When you want to go out on a weekend and you have a particular thing that you need, like I've been in the house all day with all these kids and I'm pregnant again and I need fresh air, I need to move and I need a break from the kids. You need to be able to say, "I need a break from the kids." And he needs to be able to say, "I've got to work a second job to get some extra money right now. We need to hire a middle schooler to come over and just play with the young ones for a little bit." Because we can't afford a full-time sitter, but we can't afford a middle schooler to come over for a minute. Or we need your sister to come over, or somebody from church to come over. Like, we need to figure that part out. But it's you guys saying what you need.

• 8:44Dr. John Delony?

  And you need to sit down and do a weekly or a monthly budget with him together, so you have an idea of what the finances are, of what kind of stress he's under. And if he says, "I need to be working," but actually he's just sleeping in on Saturday mornings and then watching football all day, well, there's a mismatch. So your pictures and words aren't aligning. But this feels like this, it kind of feels blobby. "You never want to be around us." "I'm always around you." "Yeah, but you never feel like you're..." "Yeah, but I never..." And so, no one's being specific about what they actually want, what they actually need, and giving the other person an opportunity to say, "I can meet those wants and needs, or I'm not going to meet those wants and needs and here's why." And that's a more vulnerable conversation.

• 9:27Dr. John Delony?

  But y'all are there now, because here's what's happening. You are doing what you know to do, just harder. Let's do weekend stuff together, or more, or... And he is doing what he knows to do, which is to complain, go, "Ah," act like kind of a toddler, throw a temper tantrum, louder and more. And what's going to happen is you're going to find somebody, somewhere, that gives you a little bit of peace. Y'all are going to start ending up co-managers of a pretty wild household. You've got four kids, y'all are outnumbered two to one. You're going to start being good co-managers of your house, but you're going to miss each other in the night. And so I want you guys to take a small retreat, get together. It can be a Saturday, it can be a Sunday.

• 10:11Dr. John Delony?

  Talk about money, talk about adding kid number four, talk about what you want your house to look like in five years, what you want your house to feel like in five years, and then be very specific about things like, "Hey, I miss you."

• 10:27Dr. John Delony?

  I feel like every time we do things together, you're just annoyed.

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  Is there something I can do to bring some more joy to our time together?

• 10:36Dr. John Delony?

  I feel like you're stressed about money a lot, and he can talk to you about what he's experiencing, using the word "I." "I'm experiencing you more frustrated than usual. I'm experiencing you more tired than usual." Whatever the words are, and y'all can get to the root of what's actually going on. I'm really grateful for the call, Amy. I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life as my gift. I want y'all to use that as a roadmap for your house. You have a chaotic, anxious house as is, and if there's money stress on top of it, and marriage stress on top of it, and any sort of other clutter, or chaos, or lack of sleep, or any of those things that come with having four young kids, this will give you a roadmap that y'all can work together

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  to build a house that's not anxious,

• 11:20Dr. John Delony?

  and thereby give you an opportunity to have a house that's full of peace. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  So I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near-infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment as well. I've tried a number of different companies and their products, and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of Bond Charge products with my own money, and I love them. I use them all the time. Red light and near-infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer-reviewed studies, with 400-plus of those studies being double-blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown negative side effects. Red light therapy can help with boosting mood, helping with sleep,

• 12:12Dr. John Delony?

  reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin, skin health, cellulite, stretch marks, and more. I use my red light therapy panels and masks, both NIR and the red light, 10 to 20 minutes each day, sometimes more, and often during my prayer and meditation time, or when I'm having trouble sleeping. Red light therapy has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice, and I've also been using the infrared sauna blanket, I love and their special lamps and bulbs throughout my home. Bon Charge ships worldwide in rapid time and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Bon Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy.

• 12:54Dr. John Delony?

  Go to boncharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15% on your purchase. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%. Go right now.

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year and everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful and overall, building a better life. And we all know that most new, "go get them" goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems that make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and let's build better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your soul. Let's start this year by focusing on our spiritual lives. In 2025, I want to focus on prayer and meditation. And to do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to

• 13:58Dr. John Delony?

  God, answer hard, hard questions and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start your year off with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the TV show, The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, the children's sections, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders and fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com/deloney.

• 14:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney for three months of Hallow to start this new year absolutely free.

• 14:51Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Jackson, Mississippi and talk to the one and only Connor. Hey Connor, what's up?

• 14:57Speaker 00

  Hey, how are you?

• 14:58Dr. John Delony?

  I'm great, brother. How are you, man?

• 15:00Speaker 00

  I had to have a weird conversation, probably weird for me, not for you.

• 15:04Dr. John Delony?

  Hey dude, let's get weird as you want to get.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Alright, so what I have written is, uh, my dad has a huge drug problem that's very likely going to kill him. I'm the only person that he has left and it, I've been spinning my wheels on this, trying to figure out if I can do anything that's helpful. Um, I know the problem's probably not going to go away and there's probably nothing that I can do, but there has to be a way for me to move forward. Does that make sense?

• 15:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 15:36Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you, man?

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Twenty-five.

• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

  How long has this been a part of y'all's life together?

• 15:43Speaker 00

  Well, I'm sure that he's had a drug problem for his whole life, as far as I know, but my parents got divorced when I was around ten, um, mainly because of this and because he couldn't behave. Um, but he's been in and out of jail since then and, um, I don't know exactly how long he's been homeless, but he's been homeless in San Francisco for at least ten years.

• 16:11Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have any communication with him?

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Uh, he calls me every once in a while. When I was younger, we talked a lot more, but, um, the most recent thing I heard from him was he was in the hospital. The, um, one of the nurses or whoever was taking care of him called me and said that he wanted to talk to me. Um, and I asked how long he'd been there, how many times he had been there this year and they said twenty-five. Um, and that he had just overdosed again and they resuscitated him and it's, you know, kind of the same thing.

• 16:45Dr. John Delony?

  Are you married?

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:48Dr. John Delony?

  You have any kids?

• 16:49Speaker 00

  I just have one, well, he's a year old now.

• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

  So are you experiencing the...

• 17:00Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you can't really describe it, the undescribable love of holding a one-year-old that nobody ever told you about, and you're wondering, "How in the world did your dad pick this life over you?"

• 17:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, it really gives you a different perspective, because when you're younger, you think, "Well, he just can't seem to get it together," but then you have a kid and you're like, "I can't imagine how he didn't," you know?

• 17:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so, it's common that you will toggle from a life of frustration and fear at growing up in the house of someone who really struggles with a profound drug addiction and divorce, and then you move to some level of compassion, like you mentioned, "Just can't get it together. It is what it is. This is my dad." And then you hold your first kid, and it's very common that it goes to rage, to anger.

• 17:51Dr. John Delony?

  Like, are you kidding me? Like, when you hold that one-year-old, your one-year-old, you would burn down a city for that kid.

• 18:01Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, it's hard to wrap your head around, and so, I guess, number one, I want to implore you to stay in compassion as much as you can, because anger's not going to solve the problem. Angry, anger's fine, rage isn't going to solve the problem. It's okay to be angry, but rage isn't going to solve the problem, right?

• 18:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I'm not really so much angry or frustrated, but just like, it's gotta be something I can't imagine, I guess, since he's in the middle of this crazy addiction, I guess, but I don't really know how I can help him, or if there's any way I can help him.

• 18:35Dr. John Delony?

  So, pursue the fantasy with me, okay? You get on a plane, and you fly down to San Francisco from Mississippi. You fly down to San Francisco, you find him, y'all hug, have a big reunion, y'all go to breakfast, and you've set up for him a rehab place where he can go.

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

  And you've figured out how to pay for it, and it would be ungodly expensive, but you figured out how to pay for it, and he goes. And he goes to 30, 60, 90 days inpatient, he gets out.

• 19:07Dr. John Delony?

  He's clear-eyed, he's shaved, he's bathed, he's got a job.

• 19:16Dr. John Delony?

  Then what?

• 19:19Speaker 00

  I mean, I've tried to do that, but I don't really see that getting to that point.

• 19:26Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  Even if it, even if it did get to that point, I don't, if, uh, unless you got a job and were able to figure it out or get on some kind of disability, I feel like it would just happen again.

• 19:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 19:41Dr. John Delony?

  So there's this moment when I'm gonna love you the best I can with the tools I have, given the circumstances we both find ourselves.

• 19:51Dr. John Delony?

  What that might look like is he doesn't have a mailing address, does he? Or does he? Does he have a P O box or something?

• 19:55Speaker 00

  No.

• 19:56Dr. John Delony?

  No? Does he have a cellphone where he can get in touch with him?

• 20:00Speaker 00

  Every time he has one, he loses it, or it gets stolen from him or something.

• 20:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  So every once in a while, maybe every few months, you know, I'll get a call from him. Or like, you know, the last time he was in the hospital, he called me from their phone. And there's a, there's a, you know, a couple hours away, there's a ministry type rehabilitation center that I said, I've talked to him and they'll take you and it's free. They give you a job and he's like, I don't wanna do that.

• 20:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  Or he'll act like he wants to do it, but he really doesn't.

• 20:39Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry, this one's kinda catching a lump in my throat, man.

• 20:45Dr. John Delony?

  There's something about wanting something for your mom and your dad so bad that they don't want for themselves. Or maybe they can't for themselves, for whatever reason.

• 20:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not saying it's getting worse, um, because it's, it's, you know, his situation's been about as worse as you can get.

• 21:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but there just comes a point when his body says, body has had enough, right?

• 21:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, and what made me call is, I feel like I'm getting desperate because he, he overdosed again and when I talked to him this last time, he said that, um, he, he was mad that they resuscitated him because he has D N R written all over his body and then he overdosed again in the waiting room or whatever, or when he got there, when he woke up.

• 21:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 21:27Speaker 00

  Um, he had something on him and overdosed again in the hospital.

• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  Like, do I just, just stop talking to him? Do, what do I do?

• 21:38Dr. John Delony?

  I think you have to answer that question for yourself.

• 21:43Dr. John Delony?

  Sometimes people have said the last thing they need to say, which is, "I love you. I've got a plan for you.

• 21:51Dr. John Delony?

  I want my, I have a fantasy about my son growing up with a granddad. And when you're ready, I'll be here." And then you have to hold that space for Theo overdoses.

• 22:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or in this situation, it sounds like he's trying to die by suicide via overdose.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  And some people want to have one last face-to-face. You get on a plane and you go find him. I don't even know how you would go about doing that, but you go find him. And you take him to breakfast and say, "I'm your son. Just wanted you to know, like, I see you're on a bad trajectory. I want to tell you one more time, I love you. These people will take you. I've already set it up. It's for free. Here's a picture of your grandson. I just want you to see it.

• 22:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I'd love you to be around for another 20 or 30 years. Watch him grow up.

• 22:44Dr. John Delony?

  And then you can leave with peace in your heart, knowing, "I did what I could do."

• 22:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I've thought about that. I just don't know if that's the right thing to do or not.

• 22:54Dr. John Delony?

  I, I don't, here's the thing. I want you to be able to close your eyes at night, knowing, "I did what I could do. And I did it with love.

• 23:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I didn't use my dad to try to make me feel better."

• 23:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a good way of saying it.

• 23:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so,

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  for whatever it's worth, man, it sounds like over the last 25 years, you've gone to the ends of the earth to try to get that man to see you and love you and to love those around him.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:30Dr. John Delony?

  And for whatever it's worth, his continued drug use and his continued homelessness and challenges have not been because of his son Connor.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  Right.

• 23:40Dr. John Delony?

  I'd be willing to bet he's been alive longer because you're in the world.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I hope so.

• 23:50Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe it's a matter of writing him a letter and making one last flight this holiday season to say goodbye, and just knowing I'm letting my dad go. Or maybe you don't even have to make that trip. You can write that letter, and you can read it to your brother and sister around the Christmas tree this year, or you can read it to your wife and your one-year-old, and just know, this is the year I said goodbye. I don't know what, um, I don't know what the, the old 51-50, I don't know what the, I don't know if you can force somebody into rehab in California. I don't know if you can make somebody who's dying of substance abuse in California go to rehab.

• 24:35Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know what the rules are there.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't either.

• 24:38Dr. John Delony?

  Most places-

• 24:41Speaker 00

  It sounds unlikely that you could make somebody do that.

• 24:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, most places, um, like, um, like, uh, mandatory hold is pretty tough, especially over a long period of time.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I, I had talked about that with a hospital, and they offered him treatment as well, but I don't think he took it.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, he can walk out the door.

• 25:00Speaker 00

  Right, yeah, they released him, and I guess he just went back to the streets, as far as I know.

• 25:06Dr. John Delony?

  So I think if I were you, I would probably sit down, and you've probably heard me say, tell people to do this, but I would write, I would enter into the, the three-letter ceremony, which is I'm gonna, I'm gonna write my dad one letter that says, "Dear Dad, like, um, here's what you gave me. I want to say thank you. It's a letter of gratitude. I'm 25, I've got a one-year-old. Thank you for..." whatever, find gratitude in your heart. It's made you more compassionate, it's made you be, um, more open-minded, it's made you

• 25:46Dr. John Delony?

  folk, his struggles have made you make different choices in your life. Even if it's gratitude for, "Thank you for painting a picture of what life I don't want." Then a second letter is one of anger. "I can't believe..." Say all the things that are in there. Write them down and get them out.

• 26:10Dr. John Delony?

  And the third letter is a letter of honor. And here's who I'm gonna become. Here's what you're gonna miss. But it's a testament to our family tree is gonna look different. And here's the role I'm gonna play.

• 26:30Dr. John Delony?

  And for most people who do this, it has a sense of

• 26:36Dr. John Delony?

  just taking the cinder blocks out of your backpack that you walk around with every day. Yours will be a little more challenging because he's still alive.

• 26:47Dr. John Delony?

  And most of us don't ever have to run up against this terrible feeling of I would if I could, but I can't. Like, here's the limits of what I can do here.

• 27:01Dr. John Delony?

  What's your wife think you should do?

• 27:05Speaker 00

  I'm, I don't know. Nothing in particular. Kind of the same thing as me is, you know, you talk to him and you tell him what you can, when you can, but I think that's about all I can think to do.

• 27:21Dr. John Delony?

  What do you want to do?

• 27:26Speaker 00

  I don't know. I don't, I don't really want to go see him. And I don't really want to deal with it anymore, but.

• 27:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, listen, listen, listen, listen. You have permission to make that choice. You're not a bad guy.

• 27:46Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good young man. You're a good new father. You're a good husband. I'll even go as far to say you're a good son.

• 27:56Dr. John Delony?

  You've done what you could do.

• 28:03Dr. John Delony?

  And no, when he passes away, it will still hurt. You'll still have guilt.

• 28:10Dr. John Delony?

  But you've heard me say this before. I want you to choose guilt over resentment. If you go out there again and spend $2,500 on plane tickets and hotels and food and whatever, and he snubs you again, you're gonna start getting rageful. You're gonna start resenting the fact that he exists.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Right, yeah. I've thought about that a lot, the guilt over resentment.

• 28:29Dr. John Delony?

  I'd rather feel guilty that

• 28:33Dr. John Delony?

  I stuck my hand in the bag and got bit by a rattlesnake 50 times and I didn't do it a 51st. And there's always gonna be, it's natural to feel a little guilty. I should've done it 51st time, but reality was I did the best I could with what I had.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:48Dr. John Delony?

  And my dad was sick. And the greatest gift I can give to the legacy that he left is to do everything I can

• 28:57Dr. John Delony?

  as far upriver as possible

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  to never put myself in a position where I can get sick like that.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  Right. Yeah, it's definitely, you know, like you said, taught me what I shouldn't do. And my friends that have dabbled in drugs and I'm like, you have no idea what it's gonna lead to.

• 29:17Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 29:17Speaker 00

  How quickly you can go down that path.

• 29:19Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. So David Kessler talks about in his book, Finding Meaning, there comes a moment when you talk about who I'm gonna become because.

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe you develop a pretty powerful talk and you go talk to high school kids.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe you develop a pretty powerful personal talk and you go talk to adults who are entering 30-day treatment programs.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, that might be nice.

• 29:48Dr. John Delony?

  But it becomes a way to make sense of the pain that you've experienced. It's about finding meaning in that hurt.

• 29:56Dr. John Delony?

  But usually that's, that's, they're probably pretty premature on your end right now. Right now, we're just gonna be sad.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  Yeah. Makes sense.

• 30:08Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe you put a small gift for him under the tree. In your house this year, just as an homage. Or maybe not.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  I guess the thing I want you to hear me say is, there's not a right way to do this, and I want to release you from any other further obligation. You've done what you could do, what you could do, what you could do.

• 30:26Dr. John Delony?

  And if you choose to enter into the madness one more time, go get it. That tends to be my bent. I just beat my head over and over and over again. Not in a healthy way, but um, that, that means I have no boundaries. It doesn't make it right.

• 30:43Dr. John Delony?

  I think you and your wife make peace. Exhale, write the letters.

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  And then make a daily commitment for the rest of your life.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna stare down this hurt that I've experienced, and my kid will have a different life, and my grandkids won't know that our family had this tragedy in our, in our family tree. Because of the work I did.

• 31:07Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you, my brother.

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  He's lucky to have you as a son.

• 31:14Dr. John Delony?

  And your little one is lucky to have you as a dad. We'll be right back.

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet. Just kidding. The internet's the worst. It's amazing, but it's the worst. But, it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life takes place on the internet. My work, my personal messages and communications. I buy most things on the internet now. It's where I live. And it's where you live too. Because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies, who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup. All this online. Listen. Whether you like it or not,

• 32:04Dr. John Delony?

  Your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend my friends at Delete Me. With all that online activity, who knows where our data is and who has access to it? Chances are very high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at Delete Me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing you exactly what they've removed and from where. So while we can't really avoid the internet, we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me.

• 32:47Dr. John Delony?

  Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindelete.me/deloney today to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me/deloney. Go right now.

• 33:05Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Denver and talk to Kayla. Hey Kayla, what's up?

• 33:10Speaker 03

  Hey Deloney, doing good. How about yourself?

• 33:12Dr. John Delony?

  Just rocking on to the breaking dawn. What's up?

• 33:15Speaker 03

  Awesome. Well, I recently found out that I'm pregnant.

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  Is that a good thing?

• 33:21Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:22Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, we weren't really telling anybody, but except now I just told a whole bunch of people.

• 33:29Dr. John Delony?

  Kayla, nobody listens to this show. You're fine. You're fine.

• 33:32Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 33:33Dr. John Delony?

  Nobody listens to this.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:35Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so you're pregnant. Congratulations. Number one?

• 33:38Speaker 03

  No, number three.

• 33:39Dr. John Delony?

  Number three. Dang Gina.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 33:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I've heard you say that going from two to three is really hard, so.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, from man to man to zone. Good luck, guys. Good luck.

• 33:52Speaker 03

  Anyway, so a friend of ours from church, she recently went through a miscarriage. And then shortly after that, I found out about this baby and I feel like I should tell her about it in person, but I'm not exactly sure how to tell her before we share about it on social media. And that's why I'm coming to you.

• 34:13Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, great question. Yeah, great question. Tell me about your friendship with this woman.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  I've known her for a few years. I want to say that we're particularly close. Like we're part of the, like a tribe of women that she used to try to like get around her. We've done a few girls' nights together. And she had me and another friend of ours on a group text when she was going through the miscarriage and things like that. And like I called her and prayed for her. Yeah, but we never really had any like heart to hearts or anything. It's, yeah, it's like, I know her, but I don't know her deeply.

• 34:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Um, so really the best wisdom I could give you here is exactly what I would do.

• 35:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 35:02Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 35:02Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I would say I need to come over to your house.

• 35:09Dr. John Delony?

  And have a private conversation with you.

• 35:12Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I'd go over to your house and say, this is, this is, um,

• 35:17Dr. John Delony?

  remarkable news, but this is going to be, it might be particularly painful news. I don't know. I don't want to prejudge. I don't want to presuppose.

• 35:26Dr. John Delony?

  But because of how you honored me and let me walk alongside you when you were hurting, I wanted you to be the first to know that we just found out that I'm pregnant.

• 35:34Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, the, the,

• 35:41Dr. John Delony?

  the two ways I have difficult conversations, the two frames I have, or facts of your friends, just say the thing. No hem-hawing, no running around, and no long stories. And in third grade, none of that.

• 35:53Dr. John Delony?

  I know this could potentially be painful. This could potentially be the best news you can hear. But before it makes its way around everybody, I wanted you to know first.

• 36:03Dr. John Delony?

  And the second one is, so facts of your friends, I'm just going to say the thing. The second one is calm is contagious. I'm not going to come in hysterical or kind of over the top. I'm going to come in with peace.

• 36:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I think the third and most important thing for you is, is just to give her whatever reaction she has.

• 36:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 36:27Dr. John Delony?

  And she might be overwhelmed with joy for you, she might tell you to get out, she might tell you, "I'm excited, but I can't be with you during this time," and I would give her just an extraordinary amount of grace.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 36:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I think the only thing you can control in this side, in this side of the relationship is you treating her with dignity and honor, and I think your intuition is right. I don't want her getting this from some email. If you walk through her miscarriage with her, y'all have a bond, whether y'all have kumbaya time on a weekly basis or not, and it definitely is the right thing to say, "Hey, before you just get a text message about this, I wanted to let you know in person."

• 37:11Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:12Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make you nervous?

• 37:15Speaker 03

  Um, kinda. Mostly wondering, like, do I need to bring someone over to her house? And, like, do I need to acknowledge what had happened to her? Um, yeah, more like that, but I think everything else will be fine.

• 37:29Dr. John Delony?

  So I don't want you to go over to her house and apologize for the happiest moment of your life?

• 37:34Speaker 03

  Oh, okay. Cause I definitely would have.

• 37:36Dr. John Delony?

  So you're not apologizing for being pregnant?

• 37:39Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:41Dr. John Delony?

  You are just honoring her by telling her first in person, because y'all have a deeper relationship, and she's got some significant pain around this same topic.

• 37:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:52Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 37:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, joy and pain are not sum zero. You having an exciting, you having exciting news doesn't take away from any joy she was slowly accumulating. There's endless amounts of joy, and there's endless amounts of hurt. And so, the best thing you can do is to treat her with honor, treat her with dignity, and keep your integrity about you, which is, "I'm gonna do the right thing," and then give her grace because grief makes us act and do tough stuff sometimes.

• 38:33Dr. John Delony?

  And if she chooses to cut you off for a while, I can't text you, I don't want to talk to you for a while. You didn't do anything wrong. She's just struggling.

• 38:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  And that's okay.

• 38:44Dr. John Delony?

  And you might feel weird or guilty, just, I mean, don't. You're having a baby, that's amazing news.

• 38:51Dr. John Delony?

  And she lost a baby, that's terrible news. Both of those things are true. And they don't come at the cost of the other.

• 39:00Dr. John Delony?

  Do you get what I'm saying?

• 39:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:02Dr. John Delony?

  If you were having her husband's baby, now we got a problem, right?

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, definitely. Thankfully, that's not the case.

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. So you see what I'm saying, like, like, that's another call on the show, I'm sure. Um, but like, that's when you have a, oh my gosh, I have the thing you, it becomes messy. You're not here, you're not apologizing for having a baby. This is the most exciting thing ever. I think letting her know, I would love for you to walk alongside me in this, and I also fully understand if it's too soon.

• 39:35Dr. John Delony?

  If this is heavy. Give her permission.

• 39:40Dr. John Delony?

  And then refuse, refuse to talk bad about her. Refuse to, um, belittle how she responds, refuse to tell other people, oh my gosh, she lost it. She screamed at me, told me to get out of her house, which probably won't happen.

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  Probably what will happen is she'll get choked up instantly and give you a big hug and tell you she's so happy for you, and then probably send you a text of some sort about how she really feels later. That's my guess.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:10Dr. John Delony?

  But the, having experienced that in my own house, not as, not as a woman, not as a person who's carrying a baby, but I've experienced multiple miscarriages. Nothing made me happier than when I found out my friends are pregnant.

• 40:26Dr. John Delony?

  I was so happy for them.

• 40:30Dr. John Delony?

  And I also know some people just need space because they're not in a place to celebrate, and that's okay.

• 40:37Speaker 03

  All you can do is the next right thing.

• 40:42Speaker 03

  Alright.

• 40:42Dr. John Delony?

  Is that cool? Will you do me a huge favor?

• 40:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:45Dr. John Delony?

  Will you let me know how it goes?

• 40:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:48Dr. John Delony?

  Will you write us back and just put, um, follow up?

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, definitely.

• 40:52Dr. John Delony?

  I would love to know how the conversation goes. And if your friend wants to call, that'd be great.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  Okay, I'll tell her.

• 40:59Dr. John Delony?

  Be cool. When's your baby due?

• 41:02Speaker 03

  End of July.

• 41:03Dr. John Delony?

  Boy or girl?

• 41:05Speaker 03

  I don't know. My, my daughter says that it's a girl and I'm just like, I don't know. We have one of each.

• 41:09Dr. John Delony?

  I think it's a boy and I think you should name it John because that's a dope name.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  Well, psych, we already have a boy named John.

• 41:16Dr. John Delony?

  Booyah! Hey, listen, if you don't screw this up, your kid too can be a middling B-level podcaster one day.

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  Shoot for the stars, Kayla. Shoot for the stars. Oh, man, amazing. Hey, it's, it's an honor to get to talk to you today. Um, I'm, I'm excited for you and thank you, um, thank you for being there for your friend when she was struggling. She needed a person to text in the middle of the night to say she wasn't okay. It's hard to walk through, um, loss with somebody. And that's a pretty noble, honorable thing that you did. And it'd be amazing if she could walk through joy with you and it's also understandable if right now she can't. Both of those are okay.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  She's lucky to have you as a friend, Kayla. Thank you so, so much for the call. We'll be right back.

• 42:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I want to tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off. I've been spending more time on screens than I like and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off right starts with good sleep. Period. Full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long-sleeved bamboo pajama set every night. She loves them.

• 42:46Dr. John Delony?

  And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in the world. And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen. Let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone. Let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable when possible. Let's everybody keep their own clothes and let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY for 40% off. That's Cozy,

• 43:31Dr. John Delony?

  C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com/Deloney and use code DELONY at checkout.

• 43:39Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Hey, don't forget, you can watch the new episode of United States of Anxiety in the Ramsey Network app. The show is hosted by the Ramsey Network and you can download the app wherever you get apps. You down with APP? And you can download it and

• 43:56Speaker 04

  You know me.

• 43:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'm excited for you. Kelly is a hip hop queen, by the way. That's who they called her back in high school.

• 44:03Speaker 04

  Sorry, I had to.

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  I like how the other kids in the booth were like, what is that? It's before y'all were born. I can't believe you don't, you're down with APP. You know me. That's your homework assignment. I'll listen to it. You won't. You're right. Your life would be better if you did, though. It'd be awesome. But hey, you can download it. You can get this show a week early and you can go check out the latest episode. It's, it's, it's kind of taken off. It's pretty amazing watching this brave, wonderful woman go on a pretty transformational journey. So go check it out in the app. Love you guys. Don't forget to subscribe on YouTube's and to leave the reviews and download the shows and share it. Partridge in a pear tree. Do all those nice things for me. How about that?

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  Oh geez, how do you end shows? There should be a class in college for how to end podcasts.

• 44:54Speaker 04

  Just say bye.

• 44:57Dr. John Delony?

  See ya.

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.