Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting? About this episode 📱 Early access: Watch episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show one week early—download the free Ramsey Network app today!
On today’s episode, we hear about:
· A woman unsure how to tell her parents she’s converting to Catholicism
· A man struggling to overcome his fear of going broke
· A teen wondering if he should confront his girlfriend about what he saw on her phone
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 How do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship?
0:13 Dr. John Delony? I don't know if you have that kind of power. Tell me about it.
0:16 Speaker 00 Recently, I've kind of separated myself from the synagogue I was a part of for many different reasons.
0:29 Dr. John Delony? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you're with us. I hope your New Year's off to a great start. And whatever, whatever grand ideas you had this year, I hope you are still working through the systems you set in place, whether it's I'm gonna, I'm gonna meet every Sunday night with a friend or with a partner, with my spouse, and we're gonna go over our budget for the week and go over our calendar for the week, and we're gonna meal prep together. Or you're just taking a few minutes each morning to get out and get some early morning sunlight, like Brother Hummerman tells us. Or I'm going to journal, I'm gonna write, I'm gonna use my red lights, I'm gonna eat.
1:09 Dr. John Delony? Like whatever things you're doing, I hope they're making your life more whole and more full, and I hope you're sticking with it. If you want to be on this show, this show's about real people going through real challenges. And we talk through real hard stuff. And my promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move, whether it's your emotional health, your mental health, your relationships, whatever you've got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291. And if you'll take 13 seconds and hit the subscribe button on the Youtubes, or you'll go over and leave a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts, that'd be amazing. All right, let's go out to Baltimore, Maryland, and talk to Rebecca. Hey Rebecca, what's up?
1:51 Speaker 00 Hi, Dr. John, how are you?
1:53 Dr. John Delony? I'm great, how are you?
1:55 Speaker 00 I am good. I'm glad to be talking to you.
1:58 Dr. John Delony? I'm glad to be talking to you, it's awesome.
2:01 Speaker 00 So I was gonna ask you, how do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship?
2:15 Dr. John Delony? I don't know if you have that kind of power.
2:18 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about it.
2:21 Speaker 00 Um, so recently, um, I've kind of separated myself from the synagogue I was a part of, um, for many different reasons and, um, I've, my husband is, was raised Catholic. Um, so I've decided, um, that I would like to convert and be a part of the church with him. And we would also like to get our kids baptized.
2:50 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
2:50 Speaker 00 So that's another part of the thing that's probably gonna break my parents' hearts as well.
2:56 Dr. John Delony? Are your parents, um, practicing? Or are they just culturally Jewish?
3:03 Speaker 00 More of like a cultural Jewish.
3:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay, alright. So, I guess what I would tell you is, you know your parents better than anybody. And you already walking in the door, think you're gonna break their heart. Are you pretty confident in that? Or is that just your talking?
3:22 Speaker 00 Um, I think in front of me, at least with my mom, I think she'll be supportive. And then she'll leave and be heartbroken.
3:35 Dr. John Delony? Will she heartbroken, be heartbroken because?
3:41 Dr. John Delony? She's gonna lose-
3:42 Speaker 00 I'm like abandoning the way they raised me.
3:44 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, and, yeah, as, as an indictment on their values and character versus, no, no, no, no. I'm grateful for the foundation you gave me. Here's the next evolution for me. Or is she gonna be upset that she's gonna have to go back to her brunch and tell the women that she has brunch with, you're not gonna believe what my daughter did. And they're gonna think badly about her.
4:05 Speaker 00 I don't think it's that because it's really not, like, just because they're not practicing. I think it's more of, like, uh, an abandonment.
4:17 Dr. John Delony? So, could it be that one of the, one of the values they gave you growing up?
4:25 Dr. John Delony? Was one of intellectual curiosity.
4:29 Dr. John Delony? Or always asking hard questions.
4:33 Dr. John Delony? Or not being scared of hard questions. Is that fair?
4:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:38 Dr. John Delony? How was their marriage growing up?
4:41 Speaker 00 It was good. I mean, at least in front of me, it was good. I've only like witnessed them yelling at each other like less than a handful of times in my entire life.
4:51 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Yeah, they're good East Coast family, right? They, there's some yelling. It's just, you know, I used to think all yelling was bad until I, yeah. There's some good East Coast families that love, love, love each other. They just talk louder. That's all. They just communicate with more vigor.
5:09 Speaker 00 But we're at the same time, we're also kind of like one of those southern families that doesn't say things that need to be said sometimes.
5:17 Dr. John Delony? Gotcha. So if, if, if, here's how I would delineate here. Let's say you were Baptist and you're converting to Catholic, okay? There would be, and your parents were deeply, deep practicing southern Baptist.
5:35 Dr. John Delony? They would be concerned for their social standing. They would be concerned about values, yada, yada. But deeply, they would be concerned about your soul's placement in hell for eternity, right?
5:50 Speaker 00 Right.
5:50 Dr. John Delony? And so that would be one conversation that's going to be very different. I feel like you have a different conversation happening here. Cause this is less existential in terms of if you don't do these things, here's what happens to you in the end. And more, it's a reflection of, hey, mom and dad, this is not an indictment of how I wish you hadn't have raised me this way. In fact, this is an extension and a furthering and evolution of how you raised me. Cause y'all had a great marriage and y'all showed me what connection and being one looks like. Me and my husband have practiced that and we found a connection and commonality in this faith journey.
6:31 Dr. John Delony? And you guys taught me to ask hard questions and to chase my nose and to sit and wrestle with hard things. This is where I've landed. And so I think it can be a way that you sit down and say, because of how you raised me, here's where I am. So it's a furthering and it's a, it's a, it's a, gosh, not this, this is a terrible analogy, but it's a blooming of the seed they planted in you.
6:57 Speaker 00 Okay.
6:59 Dr. John Delony? I'm guessing here. I also know cultural values are cultural values. And the Jewish community, a community that has, has spent its entire, its entire heritage surviving together.
7:11 Speaker 00 Right.
7:12 Dr. John Delony? Right? There is a sense of abandonment.
7:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:15 Dr. John Delony? And so I get that. And so I, I, I think the, the meta here is you can't control how your mom and dad react.
7:22 Speaker 00 Correct. I just want to do it with the least amount of conflict possible.
7:31 Dr. John Delony? I, I think trying, trying to PR this, trying to public relation this, or try to message this, is gonna make it look like you've got something to hide, or you're not telling the full truth.
7:43 Speaker 00 Right.
7:44 Dr. John Delony? I think coming in and saying, I'm truly, truly grateful for how you raised me.
7:48 Speaker 00 Okay.
7:49 Dr. John Delony? And here are some of the great attributes, and here is where I've landed with my husband and with our kids, and here's the direction our family's taking.
7:57 Speaker 00 Okay.
8:00 Dr. John Delony? And I hope you will remain with us. I want you to know that we honor you guys, we love you, and we want to be a part of your lives. I'm assuming all that's true. And this is a furthering and extension of that. And it's not like y'all are gonna have to split up on Sunday mornings, like, or, you know, one's going to synagogue and you're going to church now, y'all just might get up and go to church on Sundays instead of having breakfast.
8:20 Speaker 00 Right.
8:22 Dr. John Delony? So I think in practice that y'all have to navigate that. But ultimately, I think the meta here is this, you cannot control somebody else's response. Trying to come up with some clever way, or like, I'm just gonna, you know, I wanna, I wanna dance around it, that's never helpful. I'm gonna tell you the truth, I'm gonna tell you it in a way that treats you with dignity and respect, and if there's a way I can, if I can, um, put you on the pedestal that you deserve, I'm gonna do that. And if there's a way I can honor you and giving you hard news, I'm gonna do that. But I always go back to the, the way I was trained with the great Dr. Andy Young, calm is contagious and facts are your friends.
9:02 Dr. John Delony? Calm is contagious. Facts are your friends. If you come into this conversation and you're all shaky and nervous and your eyes are darting around,
9:11 Dr. John Delony? then your mom and dad will feel something's not right here.
9:16 Dr. John Delony? Does she not think that we love her? Does she not really want to be doing this and her husband's making her? They're going to create a story. But if you come in at peace with this transition, this is the right thing for me and my family. This is happening. I hope you'll join us. Then that feels inviting. It's an invitation. It's calm. And, facts are your friends. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm not going to tell you this big, long story. You raised me this way and I'm so, so grateful. And, here's where I am now and here's what's happening next. And so also, don't say things like, "So I think I'm gonna go to confirmation. I think I'm gonna start..."
9:56 Dr. John Delony? "We think we're gonna..." When you start adding those little slivers, they sound like cracks for people to intellectually slide into, or spiritually or emotionally slide into and create division. If you're here, I want you to be, I want you to be very clear about what you're saying. I will be getting baptized next month. My children will be getting baptized in February. This may be as a strange request, but I hope you can attend. It's, it takes all the wishy-washy out of it. Calm is contagious. Facts are your friends. Here is the truth. And at the very end, the truth remains, "We love you, we honor you, and we think y'all are great grandparents."
10:37 Dr. John Delony? Hey, everybody, listen to this. My friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe that every single member of my family sleeps on, they are in their final hours of their new year sale right now. Now, listen, I get it. You're trying to hang on to those resolutions and new habits and systems for this new year, but you still aren't getting the good sleep that you desperately need to build a great life on. I've struggled with getting good sleep my entire life and sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest. And now that I've created a great sleep routine and I've got my Helix mattress, I'm consistently getting deep, refreshing sleep. Now, listen, this is important. Everyone has their own unique sleep positions. Everyone's body is different.
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12:00 Dr. John Delony? now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X. helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of the year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful. And overall, people are thinking about building a better life. And we all know that most new "go get them" goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your
12:40 Dr. John Delony? soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard questions, and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. And one of Hallow's most popular features Is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the show The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers. And if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute.
13:21 Dr. John Delony? Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com/deloney. That's hallow.com/deloney for three months of Hallow to get your year started absolutely free. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Let's go to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Daniel. Hey, Daniel, what's up?
13:55 Speaker 02 So my question is, how do I overcome my fears of going broke and recognize when my saving habits become excessive?
14:06 Dr. John Delony? Hmm. Tell me, tell me more.
14:10 Speaker 02 Well, so as long as I can remember, I've always just kind of had this, like even whenever I, you know, started working at like a very young age, helping like my mom's business and stuff, I've just kind of had this mindset of as soon as I got money, I didn't do anything with it. I just, I stowed it away and I just let it, the mindset was just to let it grow.
14:34 Dr. John Delony? Where does that come from? Where's that story originate?
14:38 Speaker 02 I don't know. And I feel like it's probably, I, one of the earliest, I guess, bits of wisdom that I ever remember hearing from my parents and from my grandparents is the idea of a penny saved is a penny earned. And since then, since I, you know, worked all throughout high school and then worked all throughout college, and then since graduating college, I've always kind of set these milestones where I just thought to myself, okay, once I achieved this much in the bank, I'm good. And it doesn't mean I'll be stupid. It doesn't mean I'll, you know, go crazy.
15:24 Speaker 02 But I don't have to worry as much anymore because I've got this much stowed away. And every single time I achieve it, I just end up thinking, well, just a little bit more. And then, and then I'll, and then I'll be good. And then I'll feel comfortable not being so panicky whenever I have to spend money that I haven't kind of worked myself up to spend.
15:47 Dr. John Delony? So tell me about your close dude friendships.
15:53 Speaker 02 Oh, um.
15:58 Speaker 02 So I've got, um, like my best friend in the world is been my best friend since the third grade. We still talk all the time. He still lives in, um, our hometown.
16:09 Dr. John Delony? How far away is that?
16:11 Speaker 02 Uh, average three hours.
16:15 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about three or four men in your life right now that you hang out with on a regular basis.
16:22 Speaker 02 Um. Oh, boy. Um.
16:27 Dr. John Delony? All right. Tell me about your job.
16:30 Speaker 02 Oh, boy. Uh, so I work at a bank and currently I'm kind of, I'm looking around at other things to, um, possibly, you know, become my job. I'm planning on starting school next year. And so I'm kind of in this position where I don't know if I should stay in my job because I really don't like it. But I've got a good six months before starting school. So I don't know if I should find something else to kind of take that time.
17:01 Speaker 02 I'm actually, um, planning to join the seminary and study pastoral ministry.
17:07 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Are you married?
17:09 Speaker 02 Yes.
17:09 Dr. John Delony? Okay. How's your marriage?
17:12 Speaker 02 I think it's good. We actually just got married in October. Um, so, still pretty, still pretty new.
17:18 Dr. John Delony? That was an excellent diversion from the, from answering the question. How's your marriage?
17:23 Speaker 02 Um, it's good. It's good. We're, we're, it's, it's kind of, since I've decided to...
17:31 Dr. John Delony? You're so great.
17:34 Dr. John Delony? If you had, if you had to give it a grade.
17:38 Speaker 02 Like on a scale from A to F or one to 10 or?
17:41 Dr. John Delony? Yes, A to F.
17:43 Speaker 02 Okay. Um, I'd probably say B.
17:47 Dr. John Delony? An 88 or an 79.5?
17:52 Speaker 02 Say eighty-three.
17:57 Dr. John Delony? I think you're being very generous, but I'll, I'll go with you on that.
18:00 Speaker 02 Okay.
18:01 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about your relationship with your mom and dad.
18:04 Speaker 02 Um, it's good. Um, it was definite.
18:07 Dr. John Delony? Also not great?
18:10 Speaker 02 It's, it's gotten better. Um, especially with my dad, there was some, there was some tension growing up where I thought he, you know, was trying to make me be one person and I wanted to be a different kind of person and I didn't feel like I could really go to him and talk to him about how I felt. That all has since been resolved. And so with both my parents, um, it's probably the best it's ever been. Typical kind of, it just feels like typical growing pains and stuff throughout high school and college.
18:45 Dr. John Delony? How's your physical health?
18:48 Speaker 02 Good. It's actually, um, I've actually been going to the gym for about ten months now after never going consistently.
18:55 Dr. John Delony? Awesome.
18:56 Speaker 02 Um, so I've, I, I know it's, it, marginally speaking, I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in, even though I don't, I wouldn't say I've been necessarily great shape.
19:06 Dr. John Delony? No, that's fantastic. How's your, how's your faith?
19:10 Speaker 02 That's also, uh, been really great. I got baptized actually almost a year ago, um, exactly. And so my, my wife grew up Catholic and fell away from the Catholic church just due to neg- negative experiences that she had. Um, and so whenever we moved into the house that we're in right now, we decided to try and cultivate that area of our lives again. And so we started going to the church that's just down the street from us and we were immediately welcomed with huge open arms and got super involved in it. Um, and
19:50 Speaker 02 so that's, that's partly the reason why I've wanted to study pastoral ministry is to be able to kind of be that person who welcomes people in and can be able to make that kind of difference in their lives.
20:02 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about your financial life.
20:05 Speaker 02 Um, just in terms of how much I make, how much I have saved, how much.
20:10 Dr. John Delony? How much do you owe?
20:12 Speaker 02 Um, really nothing. She has, um, she has a car loan that's.
20:18 Dr. John Delony? So some, so something.
20:21 Speaker 02 Yes. So, and, and I am debt free aside from a credit card that has a relatively small balance.
20:27 Dr. John Delony? How are you going to pay for school?
20:30 Speaker 02 Uh, we have, um, a 529 plan set up with the, uh, state of Missouri.
20:37 Dr. John Delony? So your, your tuition's going to be covered?
20:39 Speaker 02 Yes.
20:39 Dr. John Delony? And your living expenses to drop out of, uh, the workforce?
20:43 Speaker 02 Yes.
20:43 Dr. John Delony? Which by the way, I would strongly recommend, don't do that, but that's a whole other call. Um, so here.
20:48 Speaker 02 I don't plan to, I don't plan to stop working completely.
20:51 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So here's what I'm poking around the edges.
20:55 Dr. John Delony? I don't think.
21:00 Dr. John Delony? Let me say this way. When somebody has a true fear and they run through the middle of that fear,
21:07 Dr. John Delony? there's often a resolution. In nerd speak, um, if therapeutically, they would call it exposure therapy. I'm scared of snakes.
21:19 Dr. John Delony? So I'm going to sit down with somebody, we're going to talk about snakes and they're going to come back to my office. We're going to talk about snakes again. They're going to come back to my office and we're going to get crayons and we're going to draw silly pictures of snakes. Then we're going to draw silly pictures again. And then in three or four weeks, I'm going to show you like internet photos of snakes. And then a few weeks later, we're going to write a story about you holding a snake and then I'm going to show you pictures of snakes eating rats and mice. We're leading to you holding a live python in my office and you're laughing. You've run into that fear. Taught your body over time.
22:03 Dr. John Delony? Through managing stress and when your body starts to go to fight or flight or freeze. And then actually exposing yourself to this alleged threat and teaching your body that it's, it's okay. It's not, it's not a danger. And then your body literally goes, huh, okay. And we're moving on.
22:25 Dr. John Delony? If in your case, you have a fear of lack, of not enough, I'm going to run out.
22:34 Dr. John Delony? You can usually identify that fear by meeting whatever standard you've set and then you instantly, your body instantly moves the finish line.
22:46 Dr. John Delony? That's a good barometer that what you are afraid of is a proxy war for something else going on in your life that's out of control and your body's trying to solve it in another way.
22:58 Dr. John Delony? And so the questions I asked you often are, people will be broke. They owe six figures in student loans, they got a mortgage they can't afford, they got two house, their car payments on depreciating assets, which is still the stupidest thing we do as Americans, is buy cars on payment plan.
23:18 Dr. John Delony? But like we,
23:22 Dr. John Delony? your body knows you are one bad email from getting fired and your boss pulling your job, firing you, and you lose your house, your car, your food. And so your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night.
23:38 Dr. John Delony? But instead of dealing with that particular issue, because that's scary and hard and takes radical lifestyle change, it's easy to look at something like savings or look at something like body fat percentage, look at something like how straight and clean your clothes are. Like just, it's a total diversion. And so going through the things we just went through, how's your friendship? If your, if your body recognizes you're alone?
24:04 Dr. John Delony? If you have slowly over time collapsed multiple friendships, work camaraderie, faith camaraderie, doing hard things together, and you have dumped it all on this brand new marriage?
24:19 Dr. John Delony? And your wife is rattling under the weight as though she was sitting under a squat rack and you just kept adding plate after plate after plate. And by the way, men do this a lot. We cut our friendships off, we cut our going out after work off, we stopped going to concerts, we stopped going hunting with other people, we just go ourselves and we dump everything. Sex, co-parenting, co-imagining, co-dreaming, friendship, our wives have to carry all of it and they can't carry that weight, it's too heavy.
24:48 Dr. John Delony? So, maybe that's it, or maybe it's finances, or maybe it's you're a brand-new person of faith in this new faith tradition, and you're about to quit your career and go to graduate school to become a, like, that's a pretty abrupt switch. Or it's a, it's a pretty abrupt, it's a recipe for burnout, real quick. Because one of the core tenets of, of graduate school and theology is, they unwind your faith for you.
25:16 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
25:16 Dr. John Delony? Right? And then they help you put it back together, sometimes. Sometimes they just unwind it, leave you with a, with a handful of yarn, and say, "All right, go make a sweater, see ya." And everyone just freezes to death in the cold, right? All that to say is this, my big question for you is, what is your body trying to protect you from?
25:34 Dr. John Delony? Either now, or in the past, or potentially in the future? And it's using scarcity.
25:42 Dr. John Delony? It's using this imagined lack of.
25:48 Dr. John Delony? What is it trying to protect you from? Is it that, this idea that you were always told you weren't enough? And now you have this woman that you committed your life to, saying, "Okay, I want to start a family too." And you're like, "Oh, gosh, I, I'm, what, what happens if, like, I don't know, if I can, if you can carry that weight?" What, what, what do you think your body's trying to protect you from?
26:07 Speaker 02 I don't know, and I've thought about it a lot, and it's, like, I don't remember anyone ever telling me that I wasn't enough, or that I wasn't good enough, but...
26:15 Dr. John Delony? You believe that?
26:23 Speaker 02 I know in my head that it's not true, but it's just, I feel like I've internalized it for so long, that I've, I, I've, I've still got to, I guess, I don't know what the term is, deinternalize the idea that I'm not good enough.
26:45 Dr. John Delony? In what areas do you think you're not good enough?
26:50 Speaker 02 Um...
26:52 Dr. John Delony? Just be blunt and honest, because I promise you, of the people listening to this show, you're not the only one. Looks?
26:57 Speaker 02 Probably.
26:58 Dr. John Delony? Money? Smarts?
26:59 Speaker 02 Pretty, pretty much everything, because I can't, it's, I'm, I'm, I'm like the worst person in the world at taking a compliment for anything.
27:15 Speaker 02 And I don't, I don't really know where that stems from. It's just for as long as I can remember, I've just had this tendency to just think that I'm less than.
27:24 Dr. John Delony? That often comes from a childhood based on performance metrics.
27:31 Dr. John Delony? You'll get this report card or dad will look at you with disgust.
27:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:38 Dr. John Delony? Mom will say something like, hey, if you do that, your dad's gonna get really, really pissed. Or your dad will say, hey, your mom doesn't like that. You need to stop because your mom's gonna... And you realize at a really young age, oh, it's your job to make sure the adults are okay.
27:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, there was a, there was a good amount of that.
27:58 Dr. John Delony? So you end up carrying this really heavy weight,
28:02 Dr. John Delony? which essentially tells a young child, you must do X, Y, or Z, or we will withhold our love and affection for you. And intellectually, you know, that's not true. You know, their parents love you. But in your nervous system, your tiny little body, your 14-year-old body, when it was starting to get armpit hair and a little bit taller, it saw your dad's face.
28:30 Dr. John Delony? It felt that reactor in your mom's chest.
28:36 Dr. John Delony? It saw her go, ah, when you needed new shoes.
28:45 Dr. John Delony? Or when you said, hey, mom, I'm out of deodorant. And she was down to her last dollar and she went, ah. And you realized, oh, my body odor causes my mom's stress.
28:57 Dr. John Delony? It's little bitty pebbles in a backpack and you suddenly wake up and you're older and that backpack's heavy.
29:05 Dr. John Delony? And the only way I've seen people work through this is to be very specific about the things they believe they lack in and to do two things. Number one, find usually a group of people,
29:22 Dr. John Delony? a counselor, a spouse, and a couple of buddies to outsource it in the short term.
29:32 Dr. John Delony? I still do this to this day. I will walk out of my closet and I will look at my wife before I'm headed out to a speaking event where they're paying me an ungodly amount of money to come speak to somebody's company. And I'll say, "Do I look okay?" Or I'll say, "Is this shirt look okay?"
29:49 Dr. John Delony? And what that means to my wife is, "I don't feel very attractive today. I feel like I've put on 10 pounds. I feel all bloated. I don't feel like I look good in this." And she just goes, "Shirt looks great."
30:03 Dr. John Delony? And I have learned to trust her that she's not going to send me out into the world. My social media person, her name is Lauren, I was pushing back on a video she wanted to post, like, "I look like this," and she stopped me and she said, "My job is to make you look good. Let me do my job." And I went, "Phew, okay." So when I don't believe it, I trust them. I outsource it. Kelly, all the time, I'm like, "I didn't think I handled that call well." Kelly will say, "No, you did that call. That call's great." "All right, I didn't feel it, but I trust her." Okay, that's number one. Number two,
30:36 Dr. John Delony? you have to do the work in those areas where you know you have lack.
30:42 Dr. John Delony? Do you need to lose 30 pounds? Do you need to go to graduate school? Do you need to slow down and not quit your job yet even though it, quote unquote, "doesn't feel fulfilling"? Do you need to put in six months, or 10 months, or a year of hard work at a job, just doing everything they ask plus more, and then deciding a year from now, is grad school and Christian ministry the thing to go do right this second? Or, "Hey, honey, let's read a book. I've never been married. You've never been married. We just took on this big responsibility. We don't even know how to do it." And now we're just staring at each other 10 months in. You get what I'm saying?
31:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, I do.
31:20 Dr. John Delony? There's some outsourcing, and then there's some metrics. And then for you, brother, you've got a number. What's your number? What's your "oh, then I'll be okay" number?
31:29 Dr. John Delony? In savings.
31:32 Speaker 02 I don't, it changes constantly.
31:35 Dr. John Delony? What was the last one?
31:37 Speaker 02 Oh, boy. Um, well, the thing is, it's gotten to the point where I've just kind of resigned myself to, well, I'll know when I find it.
31:45 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
31:45 Speaker 02 And then that doesn't do anything.
31:47 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, yeah, that's, you don't want to go down that road. Here's the math problem I want you to solve.
31:54 Dr. John Delony? Six months
31:57 Dr. John Delony? of you get fired and your wife gets fired. Can y'all maintain your house, your vehicles, food, and your utilities?
32:09 Dr. John Delony? You wouldn't go out to eat anymore. You'd probably have to cut your subscriptions, but could y'all make it for six months?
32:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:16 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to write down that number.
32:20 Dr. John Delony? And then I want you, anything beyond that, I want you to put, begin to spend it. I want you to begin to save it. I want y'all to start working towards a house, working towards kids. You have a 529 plan. I want you to be thinking about your kids, future 529 plans. I want you to say, we've got this number. Beyond that is my body trying to protect me from something else. I'm gonna go solve that something else because it's not about math.
32:46 Dr. John Delony? And here's what you have to do. You have to practice. Be uncomfortable.
32:53 Dr. John Delony? Some people, it sounds crazy, have to put, I will buy myself a thing in their budget because they struggle with scarcity.
33:02 Dr. John Delony? Others like me have to say, I won't buy all these things because I try to soothe myself with purchases.
33:11 Dr. John Delony? Some people have to put in there, I will be reckless with the way I tip today.
33:19 Dr. John Delony? That would be probably the place I would recommend you start is finding one person a day that you can bless financially once you've reached that six month mark. And what you're doing is you're practicing a muscle of giving away. And you're gonna do it 10 bucks at a time, 30 bucks at a time. You and your wife are gonna go eat somewhere cheap. And you're gonna spend 30 bucks on your meal. And you're gonna tip $50. So the whole meal is 80 bucks out the door. And you're gonna feel it. But you're gonna wake up the next day and you're not gonna be dead. It's gonna be like that snake analogy. You're gonna expose yourself to lack intentionally. I'm gonna give it away and bless somebody else. And what you're gonna find is, oh, we're okay. We made it to the next month. We made it to the next month. Okay, we're okay, we're doing it, we're doing this.
34:04 Dr. John Delony? All right. So you're practicing giving, you're practicing spending. And then I also want you to look at your clutter in your house. How much crap do you all have? Clothes, collections, toys, this is, that's. 809 screwdrivers. Begin paring down some of your things.
34:28 Dr. John Delony? Give your body a chance to breathe. Hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm gonna hook you up with that book. And I want you and your wife to read it together. And it can be your roadmap for your new marriage.
34:40 Dr. John Delony? Come up with that number, six months of an emergency fund. And then beyond that, begin practicing long-term investing, practicing saving for a thing, a house, a down payment of 20%, 10%, 5%. I don't care. Begin giving money away. You're not gonna be able to think your way out of this. You're gonna have to act your way out of this and outsource your way out of this. Call me anytime, my brother. You're in for a long ride. Cause I think you've got some unwinding to do from when you were younger. But, man, I need you to hear me say this. You are on the right path. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
35:21 Dr. John Delony? Okay, I wanna tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off. I've been spending more time on screens than I like. And I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off right starts with good sleep. Period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you. Rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long-sleeved bamboo pajama set every night. She loves them. And my whole family is in love with the Cozy
36:05 Dr. John Delony? Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in the world. And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone, let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable when possible. Let's everybody keep their own clothes, and let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit cozylearth.com/deloney
36:43 Dr. John Delony? and use code DELONY for 40% off. That's cozy, C-O-Z-Y. Cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY at checkout. All right, let's go out to Atlanta and talk to Chase. Hey Chase, what's going on, man?
37:00 Speaker 03 Hey, how's it going, Dr. John?
37:02 Dr. John Delony? All right, brother. What's up?
37:04 Speaker 03 Um, so kind of, I guess the short version of my question, um, is just how do I continue to heal and move on, um, after finding some things in my girlfriend's phone that I didn't know about?
37:23 Dr. John Delony? How old are you?
37:25 Speaker 03 Nineteen.
37:25 Dr. John Delony? How long you all been together?
37:27 Speaker 03 Two and a half years.
37:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so this is like a first young love?
37:33 Speaker 03 You could say that, yeah.
37:35 Dr. John Delony? Dude, I'm not knocking it. It's like the best thing in the world.
37:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, um, it's been great. She's awesome. I love her. Um,
37:44 Dr. John Delony? What'd you find?
37:47 Speaker 03 So, and, uh, hidden folder of her photos, there were, um, pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend together, um, and also just some screenshots of like texts with other guys that I didn't know about.
38:12 Dr. John Delony? How old were those text messages?
38:16 Speaker 03 Um, they were.
38:20 Speaker 03 So they were from kind of the middle of when we first started talking.
38:28 Speaker 03 We, we had met, um, about three years ago now, I guess, in September. Um, and met at a mutual friend's birthday party, um, kind of started talking a little bit. The first texts that I saw were, um, her confessing feelings for a guy just a few weeks after we had met. Um.
38:58 Dr. John Delony? Well, that I don't, I don't have a problem with that.
39:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:01 Dr. John Delony? I guess my bigger concern is why'd she save them?
39:04 Speaker 03 Right.
39:06 Speaker 03 Um.
39:07 Dr. John Delony? Or did she save them in a secret phone and just in a folder and just forget about it?
39:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, that, that's kind of a part that I struggled with a little bit. Um, because part of it too is, I mean, so those texts were a few weeks after we had met. Then we texted a little bit, not a whole lot came of it. The other screenshots were from after we had texted the first time. Um, and then about a month after she texts that other guy, we started texting again and have been together since, but.
39:39 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, bro, y'all were 16, dude. I would let that ride.
39:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:45 Dr. John Delony? I, I mean, you're 16 years old. Sophomores, right? Juniors?
39:50 Speaker 03 Yes, sir.
39:51 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And texting doesn't mean I've got exclusivity. If you found messages from a couple of months ago, from a year ago.
40:02 Dr. John Delony? If you found messages from her and her boyfriend, or if the pictures she had, or her and him with no shirts on, like, and it's all oogly woogly, then yeah.
40:14 Dr. John Delony? I would sit down and have that conversation. But I, I guess I'm struggling with, with you. Like, wha- what do you need to heal and move on from? Like, what, what are you trying to heal from?
40:25 Speaker 03 I guess just, like, the way that she had kinda always told me. Um, or I guess the story that I always knew about the beginning of our relationship was, like, once I met you,
40:44 Speaker 03 there was no looking back. Um.
40:46 Dr. John Delony? Why were you digging around in her phone?
40:50 Speaker 03 I'm not sure. I guess just...
40:56 Speaker 03 I don't know.
40:57 Dr. John Delony? You know, just say it.
41:01 Speaker 03 I guess just insecurity on my part.
41:06 Dr. John Delony? What are you insecure about? You've been together for two and a half years.
41:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:13 Dr. John Delony? One of two things. Either you've sent some messages to people over the last two and a half years, or you're worried that she has.
41:24 Dr. John Delony? Either you've been kinda flirty and wondered about the long-term viability of this relationship, and you've wondered what it'd be like to be with somebody else, and you assume that she's wondering that too, or she turns her phone over every time you walk in the room. Or she has a code on her phone and won't let you look in there.
41:43 Dr. John Delony? Where's this insecurity coming from?
41:47 Speaker 03 Um, it's not on the side of me being flirty or texting. Um.
41:56 Speaker 03 I guess there's, like, I just have a habit of jealousy and comparison.
42:05 Speaker 03 Um.
42:08 Speaker 03 And I guess just there's really any time of like a mention of anybody else that just like not even in like a weird, hey, this guy like is awesome or like talking about this other guy or whatever, but just any mention of like, hey, this guy in my class said I look pretty today or, you know, anything like that. It's just, I guess I just kind of get consumed with the jealousy and insecurity and comparison of me and him and...
42:46 Dr. John Delony? Where does that stem from, man? That's super, super unhealthy. You're gonna blow through every relationship you have.
42:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:56 Dr. John Delony? Because if you're dating somebody that you find beautiful and attractive and radiant and you want to be around them, other people are gonna want to also. And that's not an indictment of your relationship. I want other people to think my wife's pretty.
43:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:12 Dr. John Delony? You know what I mean? I want other people to think my wife is brilliant and smart and fun to be around. I want that.
43:23 Dr. John Delony? Where does that insecurity come from?
43:29 Speaker 03 I'm not exactly sure. Um, I've, I've thought a lot about it. I think some of it is from, I guess, like the girl that I was kind of with before me and my current girlfriend. We never actually dated because, um, I knew that she wasn't the girl that, the kind of girl that I wanted or needed to date. Um, and she was just super manipulative when it, I guess, came to like using other guys.
44:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay, but here's what I want you to do. That's when you were 16 and 15 years old. I don't want you to blame her for how you're acting as a 19 and a half year old. I want you to take ownership.
44:19 Dr. John Delony? If you get consumed
44:23 Dr. John Delony? with jealousy, with rage, just because somebody in your wife's, I mean, your girlfriend's class and she's pretty.
44:31 Dr. John Delony? A, your girlfriend's telling you that because she wants to get a rise out of you.
44:38 Dr. John Delony? B, it works every time. It gets you all stirred up.
44:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:45 Dr. John Delony? But I want you to dig into that because that's going to be a cancer in your life. And it's going to lead you to do things that otherwise you wouldn't do. It's going to lead you to become a person you don't want to become.
44:58 Dr. John Delony? A guy who thinks he's got territory, right? That treats his significant other as a possession.
45:08 Dr. John Delony? Not in the romantic way, but in the ownership way. You're going to be the guy that doesn't tell one of your coworkers about an opportunity because you don't want them to have it.
45:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:24 Dr. John Delony? And so the challenge for you is when you feel this, it's to put your fist in your chest and take a huge, deep breath.
45:34 Dr. John Delony? And recognize it, oh, man, my body's trying to protect me from feeling less than.
45:39 Dr. John Delony? I'm gonna go for a walk real quick. And when you're going for a walk, instead of going through every scenario, I knew she's banging other dudes, dude, I knew it. I knew she's calling. Instead of doing that, you can get yourself all worked up and fired up and your body won't know the difference.
45:54 Dr. John Delony? Or you can exhale and say, I love that girl.
45:59 Dr. John Delony? And she loves this guy. And we're on the same team. If another guy thinks she's beautiful, good on him. He knows what's up.
46:08 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to practice that.
46:12 Dr. John Delony? But jealousy doesn't just show up here. It shows up in your finances. It shows up when your buddies get new jobs. It shows up in college. It shows up in other places. It's going to be a cancer in your life.
46:22 Dr. John Delony? And what it's going to do, it's going to lead you to go through your girlfriend's phone, man, and dig into old, secret folders that she might not even remember.
46:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:32 Dr. John Delony? You know what I'm saying? What did she say when she found out you went through her phone?
46:37 Speaker 03 Um, she didn't necessarily ask why. Um, I guess she was just more, um, you know, sorry that all that was there and that, like, I guess that I saw it 'cause she knows it was probably not like an easy thing for me, for me to look at. Um,
47:05 Speaker 03 and I mean, I guess her explanation was just like, she, I mean, she knew it was there, but also forgot that it was there at the same time. Um.
47:23 Dr. John Delony? So unless I'm missing something, it feels really benign to me.
47:34 Dr. John Delony? And here's the thing, my opinion doesn't matter.
47:39 Dr. John Delony? If you found yourself to where like, I'm not gonna be able to get past this. You told me when we started, when I first time I texted you, which by the way, that's a whole other conversation, that you were not texting anybody else and I was the only texter for you. And two and a half years ago, when you were 16, you fudged the truth and you were still texting other guys at the very beginning. If you can't move past that, that's your, that's your life. It's your world. You get to do that. But you can't drag her, two and a half years later, through your, um, relationship issues. You gotta let her go.
48:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:20 Dr. John Delony? If you can. There's a reason we don't let 16-year-olds buy beer or guns. They're 16. They're dumb. They make, do dumb stuff. I guarantee you did dumb stuff when you were 16. I for sure did. Right?
48:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:35 Dr. John Delony? So if what you found of your early teenage girlfriend's phone, a pictures of her with an old boyfriend on some secret folder, if you found old text messages that she had screenshot.
48:53 Dr. John Delony? If you, if that invalidates the last couple of years of y'all dating and getting to know each other as y'all got older, so be it. Cool. Let her go.
49:06 Dr. John Delony? If you say, "I don't know why I'm getting so mad, dude. I think I, I think I actually care about this woman and I love her and I see a future together."
49:17 Dr. John Delony? Oh my gosh, man, this is scaring me. Did I even have this kind of love and attraction and feeling inside my own chest? That's wild. Then deal with that.
49:28 Speaker 03 Yeah. I guess that's kinda, that's more where I'm leaning to is like, I don't know why,
49:38 Speaker 03 like this is the girl that like I want, like to be honest, I want to marry and like build a future with.
49:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay, I want you to become marryable.
49:55 Dr. John Delony? If you have found the person that you want to marry,
49:59 Dr. John Delony? you're, the work that lies ahead of you is not to go through and screen her past, dick through her private things
50:12 Dr. John Delony? as a way to duct tape over your insecurities.
50:17 Dr. John Delony? Your job is to face your insecurities head on. Do I have a career plan for myself? Am I working towards a purpose that's bigger than me?
50:30 Dr. John Delony? What kind of dad was my, what kind of dad did, did my dad model for me? And is that the kind of dad I want to model for my kids? What kind of marriage did my parents have and did they model that? Is that what I want to model my marriage after?
50:46 Dr. John Delony? And if not, get to work. Go see a counselor. Go get a gym membership. Go to college. Go get an apprenticeship.
50:58 Dr. John Delony? Start making a budget. Work three jobs because you're 19 years old. Are you in school right now?
51:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, I am.
51:05 Dr. John Delony? What are you studying?
51:08 Speaker 03 Um, sports management.
51:11 Dr. John Delony? You don't sound very convinced about it.
51:14 Speaker 03 Well, my, my major is sports management, um, but I'm also getting prerequisites to go to PT school. So I kind of have to give a disclaimer whenever I answer that, but.
51:25 Dr. John Delony? Do you not want to do sports management? You want to do physical therapy?
51:28 Speaker 03 Um, as of right now, yeah, that's the goal, physical therapy.
51:32 Dr. John Delony? I had a physical therapist with a PhD in my house this weekend, working on my shoulder and my arm. I screwed my arm up.
51:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:40 Dr. John Delony? She's magic, magic. Changed my life, makes me a better dad because I'm not in pain all the time.
51:50 Dr. John Delony? Quit being in sports management and go full into PT if that's what you want to do.
51:56 Dr. John Delony? And work really hard so you don't get out like some of my friends in PT and they owe $190,000 and they're going to make 65 grand right out of school.
52:08 Dr. John Delony? And start working part-time in a physical therapist's office, helping people like me with their rehab.
52:16 Dr. John Delony? You see what I'm saying? Like go in, do the thing that you want to do. Instead of having to like kind of duck your head and kind of laugh like, I'm managing, I'm managing this, but I kind of want to do this. See what I'm saying? And here's all this, I'm pointing to you. Stand up on your two feet, tall.
52:31 Dr. John Delony? Don't get jealous about petty things. Put your flag in the ground on the things that matter. Start reaching towards a future purpose. By the way, if you want to become a physical therapist because it thinks you're going to get rich, you're going to have a miserable life. If you want to be a physical therapist because you want to help people become better dads and wives and mothers and sisters and brothers and daughters, help people move.
52:53 Dr. John Delony? And by the way, if you get into geriatric PT right now, the next 15 to 25 years, you're going to have a billion dollars
53:02 Dr. John Delony? because of our aging population.
53:05 Dr. John Delony? If you want to get in there and help people, I'm telling you right now, your, your head's going to start to lift up.
53:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:11 Dr. John Delony? And you're going to let your 16-year-old girlfriend off the hook for some, she did three years ago, two and a half years ago.
53:19 Dr. John Delony? But do you get what I'm saying when I say become a malleable man? Not a man worthy of being loved, you're already that. But become somebody that you can feel confident looking at somebody else and saying, you can anchor into me. Cause that's where that insecurity originates from. You don't believe that. Is that fair?
53:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, absolutely.
53:45 Dr. John Delony? I think, dude, I think you're, I think you're on the path. I think if I'm you, here's what I, here's your next steps. Number one, I would apologize to your girlfriend tonight for going through her phone. I'd say, hey, I should not have picked up your phone and dug into your old folders. That was my insecurity and I'm sorry. I am scared at how much I love you and I'm scared at, oh my gosh, the road that is my future is starting to open up before me. And I am picturing you with me and it scares me. Cause I don't know what that looks like. And I got into sports management because it sounded cool and I, my dad told me about Jerry Maguire, but I want to be a physical therapist. I want to go all in on that and I gotta get my grades up here and I gotta start studying here.
54:29 Dr. John Delony? And I don't have to work nights over here, but I'm gonna go all in on this. And I'm gonna wanna, I want to become the man that provides a life for whatever world you want to have. And now you're starting to throw your shoulders back, stand up taller. And you're not looking for, I want to feel good by whatever's in your phone and you do what I say and you text who? No, I'm going to begin to find confidence and strength and esteem through repeatedly doing the next right thing. Becoming a malleable man, becoming a hireable man. Becoming a man that when somebody like me comes in after a knee surgery and says, hey, can you help me? You look at me in the eye and you go, I got you.
55:14 Dr. John Delony? We're gonna have you dunking a basketball soon. By the way, I can't dunk a basketball.
55:22 Dr. John Delony? That's how we deal with the insecurity. Inside out. So I'd start with an apology, brother, and go from there. This is the one for you. You're gonna have tons and tons of stumbles and roadblocks and hurdles and falling down. That's gonna be the path. Be a confident, strong, courageous man that you can be anchored into. So that when those storms hit, you're not whipping around, going through people's phones, for God's sakes. Thanks for the call, brother. I can't wait to see what happens next for you. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination.
56:07 Dr. John Delony? You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the entire next month. Being well and being healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot, and you're probably not either. Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows, victories and setbacks. And one way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and drink. This is why I love Organifi, because their whole food blends contain only the best. They're plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, and soy-free ingredients. And Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage. That's it. Their green juice is great in the morning.
56:52 Dr. John Delony? It's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the day. And Organifi red juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to organifi.com/daloni right now to save 20% off at checkout with code DALONI. That's organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash daloni and use code DALONI for 20% off. All right, we're back. Kelly, can you imagine this? Can you imagine being 16 or 17?
57:30 Dr. John Delony? And having all of your like flirty, romantic back and forth written down on some server somewhere?
57:41 Speaker 04 No, and thank God that I was raised in an era where that's not the case.
57:49 Dr. John Delony? I know there are letters I've written that haunt me that are gonna come back one day.
57:54 Speaker 04 And I'm so glad that I had my stupid, especially like that, where that guy, you know, 19 to like 25 year old phase, without cell phones, without digital pictures.
58:07 Dr. John Delony? No record, no record.
58:08 Speaker 04 There's a shoebox in the closet that I probably should burn that has pictures of my wild days and that's where it needs to stay. It doesn't ever need to, I don't have to worry about it popping up somewhere.
58:22 Dr. John Delony? I, I don't know much, but I know that I'm glad that that part of my life is not recorded.
58:31 Speaker 04 Amen.
58:32 Dr. John Delony? I.
58:33 Speaker 04 Cause the stupid things that were said that these days would get you fired or canceled or whatever, you know, that we all do.
58:45 Dr. John Delony? I mean, I wasn't that kind of person.
58:46 Speaker 04 No, but you know, just the stupid things we all say.
58:48 Dr. John Delony? I spent so much of my time serving the poor and in like church Bible studies.
58:53 Speaker 04 Mm-hmm, really.
58:54 Dr. John Delony? Hey, you can get this show one week early on the Ramsey app. You can download it in the show notes. Nah, I'm just glad, listen to you younger folks. Just don't, just don't write it all down. Just don't write it all down. There's gonna come a moment when AI pushes a button and it makes every text ever sent public, sortable by name. That day's gonna come. Whoa. In the meantime, go to the Ramsey Network app. You can download this show and click subscribe on YouTube and leave me a five star review that says, "This is wonderful." Love you guys. Bye.
59:36 Dr. John Delony? Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part? It's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
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