You’ve Been Talking All Wrong in Difficult Conversations

In this episode, I’m breaking down the small language habits that secretly make hard conversations harder. Most of us think we’re being clear or kind — but the words we use often fuel defensiveness instead of understanding. I’ll show you how to stop using “you” statements that sound like blame, cut out weak disclaimers that undercut your point, and reframe your message so it lands with strength and respect. Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Pique. Head to https://PiqueLife.com/jefferson for 20% off. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:26Jefferson Fisher?

  There are three conversation landmines I have to make sure you avoid. This episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast is going to be served to you hot and ready. So we're just going to get right to it, right to the points. I don't even feel like doing the intro today. That's how I feel about this. Now, before I dive into these three tips that you have to have in everyday conversation to avoid conflict, I got to tell you first about Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth has been a sponsor of this podcast for good reason because I love their stuff. I've used it for months, if not years now, and they're all over my house. So I don't know if you know this, but there is an age in life to where all of a sudden you go, "Man, I really like these towels. Man, I really like these bed sheets. Man, I really like these pants."

• 1:11Jefferson Fisher?

  Like, just you go, "I didn't even think I'd ever be saying this kind of stuff." Well, that's kind of how it is with my relationship with Cozy Earth. I'm honored that they're a sponsor of the podcast, but honestly, I just really like their stuff. Cozy Earth is where it's at because everything that they do is top-quality. So if you're like me and you like top-quality stuff, go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. And now, let's get back to that episode. Three landmines that I want you to avoid in conversations. Why? Because they are adding fuel to conflict. How do we do that? Number one, what I want you to do is to avoid the "you" statements. That's what we're going to talk about.

• 1:56Jefferson Fisher?

  Two, I want you to not weaken your sentences before they even start. Meaning, you're going to... We have this tendency to add disclaimers to what we're going to say. Causes conflict. And number three, above all else, using the power of a reframe it. And I'm going to show you the secret as to how using a reframe leads to better conversations every single time. You ready? Let's go. I'm feeling it. Number one, you know this, and if you don't know this, it's good that you know. The power of the first word out of your mouth...

• 2:27Jefferson Fisher?

  We often say the power of, this is one to add, the power of the first word out of your mouth, huge impact, huge. If I were to say you, you need to do this, you need to listen. You know what you should do? You should do, you need to, you always, you never, the you, you, you, you, you. What does it do? It puts you, the other person, in a defensive posture to where they go, me? Me? How about you? And it just sends the missile right back at them. It becomes the ping pong. It becomes the civil war. It becomes this, this horrible gasoline on a fire that just explodes it out of nowhere. So what's the solution?

• 3:11Jefferson Fisher?

  Rather than beginning with the word you, begin with the word I. I need to feel like I'm being heard. I feel upset when you do this. I feel confused when you do this. I, I feel hurt, confused, upset, frustrated. Use words that express feeling rather than using that feeling internally to simply say, you do X, Y, and Z. So rather than acting on that feeling, you are expressing that feeling. Rather than emoting that feeling within yourself, you are, when you claim it, you what? You control it. Number two, stop using disclaimers before you say anything in your sentence.

• 3:52Jefferson Fisher?

  When you have this way of saying, like, I don't mean any disrespect, but, you know, I could be wrong about this, but, by the way, nobody who says that thinks that they're ever wrong. Or you say, look, I don't mean to be rude. I don't mean to be impolite here, but whenever you say, I don't mean to, it doesn't make sense to people. It doesn't, it doesn't, down here in the South, we say gee-haw. That isn't gee-haw. That didn't jive with us. We're not going to, that doesn't work. Something's off to the other person when that happens. Why? Because I can tell, that's like me

• 4:34Jefferson Fisher?

  picking up a big club. All right. This is a pin on my hand. It's like me picking up a big club. And I'm saying, while I'm talking to you, saying, look, I'm not going to hit you with this club. And you're thinking, then why are you holding it? You see how whenever you use disclaimers in sentences, like I don't, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm already saying it with self-defense. I'm saying it in anticipation of self-defense. Right? When, when somebody goes, "Listen, with all due respect," that's the same thing. They're, they're not really saying it with respect when they do that. So what's the, what's the cue there? Instead of stepping on that landmine, what I want you to do is say the reverse of it.

• 5:16Jefferson Fisher?

  So instead of, "I don't mean to sound disrespectful," what I want you to say is, "This probably could sound disrespectful," or "This will probably sound disrespectful." Use "probably," use the probabilities. And what people do is it gives them a chance. And when they hear you, they naturally, oddly enough, think the opposite. So if I were to say, "This is probably going to upset you," what do you naturally do? You think of reasons why that's not going to upset you. Versus me saying, "Don't be upset about this," and then you start to actually go, "Oh, no, there should be reasons why I should be upset about this." So instead of, "I don't mean to sound rude," this is probably going to sound rude. This is probably going to sound impolite. This is probably going to sound shortsighted.

• 6:02Jefferson Fisher?

  This is probably going to, to, to sound insensitive. Right? Whenever you say that, the other person then looks for reasons as to why it is not the thing that you said. So that's the way to handle that. Or, you know, better yet, you just don't use any of those disclaimers at all. Just use silence, skip it, delete it from your sentences, and say what you want to say. I want to take a second to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast called Peak. That's P-I-Q-U-E. And though that's not the way you might think Peak is spelled, nothing about this tea is what you might think, and that's for good. This is a packet that tea crystals. So you don't have, there's no steeping, there's no mess. You just rip up the packet, pour it in. I use them all the time when I'm on the go. So maybe I'm not wanting coffee,

• 6:48Jefferson Fisher?

  right, at that moment, and, but I also don't want water. So I like tea. And the cool thing about Peak is that it's loaded with probiotics and prebiotics to keep your gut healthy. So let's be real, when your guts are You're off. So if you feel sluggish, distracted, you're not going to feel sharp and you're not going to be good in the conversations that you and I both know we all need to have. So right now, Peak is giving my listeners 20% off for life, plus a free frother and a little glass beaker that comes with it. It's really cool. Part of the bundle. It's backed by a 90 day guarantee. So if you don't like it, you got a 90 day guarantee. Go to peaklife.com/jefferson. That's P I Q U E life.com/jefferson and go check it out. Clear God, clear head,

• 7:30Jefferson Fisher?

  clear conversations. Go try out Peak. And now, back to the conversation. Number three, the third landmine that I want you to avoid in difficult conflict is the failure to reframe conversation. Have you ever been in conversation that you feel like it's just in a circle over and over and you go, God, we just, we just talked about this. We just talked about this. What I like to say about that is if you haven't heard the end of it, then you haven't heard the heart of it. We have this inner fear that I haven't been heard. I'm scratching the surface, but I don't feel like I've hit the root cause of why I'm feeling this way. And some people are external processors. Some people are internal processors. And so a lot of times you see that

• 8:11Jefferson Fisher?

  play out in dynamics and in conversation. The failure to reframe means that you're going to continue to spin. You're going to continue to be in the air and you don't know how to land the plane. Reframing sounds like this. If we can, I'd rather, rather than saying calm down, I'd rather slow things down. Instead of saying, hey, you need to be quiet. Say, can we speak a little bit slower in tone? Can we, can we slow this down a little bit? Or maybe the reframe is, hey, now that I feel like we've talked about how we feel about this, I'd I'd like for us to talk about what it means to us. What are our next steps?

• 8:55Jefferson Fisher?

  You see how when you kind of package the conversation into different boxes? And letting someone know, alright, I feel like we've emptied this box. The next box is this. Rather than just going about it blindly. It helps to put conversations in different categories.

• 9:13Jefferson Fisher?

  Well, let me rephrase that. It helps to put conversations in topics of themselves. Maybe it's the problem. Maybe it's the facts. Maybe it's the need for apology and resolution. Maybe it is to understand action steps and where we go from here. Whatever that is, it's like kind of having a meeting in your mind of how you roll it out of. Alright, now that we've talked about what happened, I really like to make sure that this doesn't happen again between us. What are you thinking on? How do we avoid this? Help me understand how I can avoid that for you in the future. Use language like "we" rather than "you." That's going to help reframe the conversation. In courtroom, in litigation, what we call that simply just signposting in some sense.

• 9:57Jefferson Fisher?

  And it helps a lot in normal day conversation. That means when I ask a question of the witness, I'm going to tell them what I just asked them about and then where I'm going. And I'm doing that not just for the witness. I'm doing it for the jury as well because they're going to also be listening. So I might say, okay, Mr. Williams, now that we've talked about where you're headed that day, I'd next like to discuss what you were doing at that present time. Sound good? You hear how I'm saying I'm roadmapping in a sense. I'm saying, hey, this is where we've been. This is where we're going. So using that in conversation is a great way of reframing so that you don't feel like you're in that spin cycle. Because what happens in that spin cycle? Danger. It adds fuel to the fire because you get tired. You feel like you're not being heard and bad things happen.

• 10:42Jefferson Fisher?

  So what did we learn in this little bitty power minute that we had together? Three things to avoid the landmines. Number one, don't begin with the word "you." Number two, get rid of the disclaimers. And three, make sure that you reframe the conversation. If you ever feel like it's starting to drag or if you feel like it's getting to a point that you're going, ah, this is really grinding on me. Whenever you feel that meter in your mind, it goes into the red of going, I can tell I'm getting overwhelmed. That's exactly the time for a reframe. And maybe the reframe is, Hey, I can tell that this conversation isn't really going anywhere for us right now. I would love to continue to cover this. I'd love to continue this conversation later this afternoon,

• 11:26Jefferson Fisher?

  or give us a break in five minutes. Sometimes that's even the refrain, yeah? All right, use your words for good. As always, try that and follow me.

• 11:37Speaker 02

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