I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A husband unsure how to move forward after discovering his wife’s affair · A woman fed up with unfair treatment from her in-laws · A wife wondering how to support her husband’s journey to total health Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I handle catching my wife having an affair? And what's the next step? And when I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes? Then I knew something was up, that this isn't right.

• 0:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's when you knew something was up? Homie.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  Ayo, what's up? This is John with Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, counseling, coaching, whatever you've got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit here and we will figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. You can leave a message and we'll call you back and talk to you about having you on the show, or you can go to johndeloney.com/ask and you can type in your question in the little info box and it goes into Kelly's cauldron of wizardry and magic. Cauldron, I guess, was kind of witch adjacent, huh?

• 1:09Speaker 02

  I don't think so.

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  But you do have a cauldron.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  Maybe.

• 1:15Speaker 02

  Definitely a voodoo doll or two.

• 1:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I was like, oh, sweet, you have like, you made like a figurine of me and she like turned it around and had like needles in its neck, so.

• 1:26Dr. John Delony?

  Anyway, if you want to be on that show, give us a call or reach out. Oh geez, we are crushing this thing.

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  I always wonder like, what was it like to be on the Titanic? And I feel like every time I sit in here, I feel like that.

• 1:43Speaker 02

  No, this show's doing a whole lot better than the Titanic was doing.

• 1:47Dr. John Delony?

  For now, but iceberg, dead ahead, like it just keeps.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  Our listeners are, and our viewers are keeping this show moving right along because they're amazing.

• 1:56Dr. John Delony?

  Despite my best efforts to wreck it.

• 1:58Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 2:00Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to San Bernardino, California, A, and talk to Nathaniel. What's up Nathaniel?

• 2:06Speaker 00

  Hi, John.

• 2:07Dr. John Delony?

  How's it going, man?

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Good, um, just another day.

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, exactly. What's up, brother?

• 2:15Speaker 00

  Well, I had a question that, um, is, uh, how do I handle catching my wife having an affair? And what's the next step?

• 2:27Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, walk me through that one, man. When you say catch, what do you mean?

• 2:31Speaker 00

  So, um, it happened last year in September. I, um, was at work and had these bad feelings and I was like, "What the heck's going on?" Texting my wife, no response. Looked up my location and saw that she was at a hotel, but it was during the fires and, um, she was taking one of her friends home from a concert. So I thought, uh, I thought they were evacuated to a hotel, so I let it be, but no response.

• 2:58Dr. John Delony?

  Would your wife have called you? If she was at a concert and she was evacuated to a hotel for her safety?

• 3:05Speaker 00

  No, no, no. For her friend.

• 3:07Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but would she otherwise have let you know that that's happening?

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, if that would have happened.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, okay. Alright, so you see her at a hotel and you quickly come up with kind of a stretch of a story just to protect yourself, right?

• 3:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I did. Um, in my head, I thought, okay, she's there and I just kept track of the time. And I was like, wait a minute, it's already been two hours. She's been at that location. And when I came home, um, to find out my kids were alone with, uh, the uncle, I was like, wait a minute, that's not like her. So then I took it upon myself to wait for the kids to sleep. And I drove over to the hotel. Um, I didn't know what room she was in. I just waited. I saw the car. And then, like, I don't know, five minutes later, she starts walking out and I see a guy with her.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  And I'm like, okay, that's not the friend she was with. It's supposed to be a girl. And when I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes, then I knew something was up, that it, this isn't right.

• 4:21Dr. John Delony?

  That's when you knew something was up? Homie. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, dude. It's also... my man. Hey, how did you let her kiss another guy for five minutes right in front of you?

• 4:36Speaker 00

  Well, I was, um, when I was parked, I was on the main street and I was like, kind of like, trying to like, turn to see if it was her. And then when I saw that she got at the car and I wanted to make sure that this was happening, my gut feeling, and when I saw it. I froze.

• 4:56Dr. John Delony?

  That's fair. Hey, can I, can I, hey, can I applaud you for just being honest about that?

• 5:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  Good on you. I, I can imagine that is just so surreal.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Pretty much.

• 5:09Dr. John Delony?

  Your, your, your first instinct is different than mine and mine probably would have ended me up in jail. So good on you for freezing. Right. Um, so what's the last few months been? You said this is September. We're talking, um, in February. What, tell me what's, what the last few months have been like?

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Well, after that night, uh, trying to confront her and talk to her and asking her to give me time and stuff to like, work things out because we have kids and have, having her explain what happened that night for those two hours. It was just like,

• 5:43Speaker 00

  I almost wanted to throw up. I wanted to, I literally drove over to the hotel to confront the guy. And while I was driving, I was thinking of all these scenarios and then

• 5:56Speaker 00

  one was why, why would I even try to hurt him if I'm going to be in jail? And it's like, yeah, no.

• 6:03Dr. John Delony?

  It's very wise.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  So when I, so when I found out it was, um,

• 6:08Speaker 00

  one of my old, old, old friends from elementary school. That's what hurt me the most. And, um,

• 6:19Dr. John Delony?

  So let's, let's, let's take the hurt, hurt off of him.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Take the hurt off of him?

• 6:24Dr. John Delony?

  Let's, let's don't give that some dude from your elementary school access to your soul. Let's just, let's just hold it what it is. Your wife cheated on you. She broke your heart. She blew your family up.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Pretty much, yeah.

• 6:37Dr. John Delony?

  Does she still want to be married to you?

• 6:40Speaker 00

  She does. Um, she's been like little by little, trying to make it better. But then the last couple of months, it's just been like back to normal again with the whole, she's back on her phone again.

• 6:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let me be super clear with you, Nathaniel. She does not want to be married to you.

• 6:58Dr. John Delony?

  She wants you to take care of the kids. She wants you to provide money, but she does not want to be married to you.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:06Dr. John Delony?

  You have to absorb that.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:11Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 7:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so what's your next move?

• 7:18Speaker 00

  Pretty much. I...

• 7:21Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what it feels like. It feels like you are an expert in maneuvering, almost like I'm imagining the slow motion scene in The Matrix when the bullets were coming.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:32Dr. John Delony?

  The bullets are reality and you're Keanu Reeves. You're really adept at kind of diving away from painful realities and conversations because those painful realities and conversations force you to have to act, make a call.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:50Dr. John Delony?

  And you have a pretty comfortable life and things are fine, things are good, and now your wife blew them up.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  Pretty much.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can't even, um, I can't even listen to some certain musics without it triggering memories of going back to that hotel.

• 8:11Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but listen, we're not gonna be run around, we're not gonna live our lives afraid of triggers. Triggers are just simply your body getting your attention, saying, "Hey, you may not be safe now," and so you're gonna head right into those triggers. And sometimes you have to get a therapist to go with you or a couple of close buddies to hold you accountable, but I'm not gonna live my life that my body shuts down if a song comes on the radio. I'm gonna deal with that.

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna live my life, every time my wife flips over her phone, if I've been very clear, "Hey, if you wanna be married, we've gotta rebuild trust." And trust looks like you not flipping your phone over every time I walk in. Trust looks like I wanna see your text messages. Trust looks like I wanna link our phones together so your text messages go to the iPad that I can see 'em.

• 8:54Speaker 00

  True.

• 8:54Dr. John Delony?

  And if she says no, then she's telling you, "I don't wanna be married to you anymore. I'm not interested in rebuilding trust in a way that makes you feel safe." And, um, because I blew up our, I blew up our marriage. I lacked integrity.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  True.

• 9:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But you can only control you, and so you have to be very specific about what you need.

• 9:17Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I think you are like, ah, well, you know, ah, you gotta be specific. And I think if you're not specific, then there's not a chance that she doesn't meet those things, and then she's gotta go.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  And I think it allows you this kind of pseudo-reality where it's all kind of back to normal, and it's gonna fine, and she's flipping her phone over, but it's cool, like, whatever, and blah blah. It's not, man.

• 9:42Dr. John Delony?

  I can hear it on you.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's not.

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  It's not. So call it what it is.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  True.

• 9:50Dr. John Delony?

  Do you still wanna be married to her?

• 9:52Speaker 00

  Partly, yes, and partly, I still have that trust issue.

• 9:57Dr. John Delony?

  You should have a he- all of you should have a trust issue. And by the way, you can have a trust issue and still wanna be married to her.

• 10:05Dr. John Delony?

  The question that's instructive here is, does she wanna be married to you? Have you asked her that?

• 10:10Speaker 00

  I haven't got a chance to ask her that.

• 10:13Dr. John Delony?

  No bullcrap on a stick with a pony and a frog, like waving a flag. You do- you've chosen not to.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:22Dr. John Delony?

  What do you mean, you don't have time?

• 10:27Dr. John Delony?

  You create time for something this important.

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  You stop the presses. You leave work.

• 10:35Dr. John Delony?

  You get childcare. You figure it out. This is too important.

• 10:41Dr. John Delony?

  Here's- I'm gonna give you the playbook for the next move, okay? You don't have to do this, you're a grown man, you can do whatever you want to. If I'm in your seat, here's what I'd do. I let her know, you and I are talking, just for the listener, we're talking on a Tuesday. I would let her know, tomorrow night, Wednesday night, at 5 o'clock or 6 o'clock, I've gotten childcare for the kids, we're going out to dinner. To a private place.

• 11:09Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna have some hard conversations, there's gonna be no screaming, no yelling, no fighting, no getting up and running away, we're gonna sit down and have some hard conversations.

• 11:18Dr. John Delony?

  You pick the restaurant where you can go into the back and talk quietly, or get a table on the side, or whatever. And then when y'all sit down, you say, "Hey, we're getting back into the old behaviors. I was not clear last time, and I'm sorry. Number one, do you still want to be married to me? Neither of us wanted to get divorced. I'm sure you didn't want to cheat on me when we got married, but here we are. Do you still want to be married? If you do, here's what must be true." And then you have to have the courage to write down what must be true and communicate that very clearly, clear as kind, very clearly, and give her a chance

• 11:59Dr. John Delony?

  to scratch and claw her way back to your heart. Otherwise, you're being cruel, she doesn't know up from down, and you're kind of just wishy-washy in the whole thing, from like, "I don't know." It's time to be clear. And here's the bigger thing: Your kids are absorbing this, brother, in your house. They're absorbing their dad being like, "Well, I just don't have time. We haven't had time to sit down." You have to make time, it's too important. The most important thing in your world right now is your marriage. They're watching your wife flip over the phone every time, they're learning like that little sneaky, oh, eyes on the swivel. Everybody's looking around always, and, "Oh, make sure this," and deleting this. They're seeing that, they're absorbing that. Stop, stop the madness. Decide, "I'm not letting this go generational."

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  And that also means that she might look at you and say, "Yeah, I'm done. I'm out." And then, "Brother, call me back, because I'll sit with you, man." Or you might look at her and say, "I'm not gonna be able to get the trust back, man. You cheated on me with a friend, you lied to me. You pawned our kids off with an uncle. You didn't even let me know. I thought you were hiding from fires. I thought your life was in jeopardy, and you're off sleeping with an old friend of mine. I just can't, I can't come back." And you get to choose that. Or you can choose just to keep going on about your day, pretend everything's fine until it's not again.

• 13:27Dr. John Delony?

  Just want to tell you, this will catch up eventually, man. Choose your heart.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  Kind of live halfway underwater, slowly gasping for air. Or decide I'm gonna stand up on my own two feet and breathe. And here's what must be true moving forward. It's your move, my man.

• 13:43Dr. John Delony?

  She did you wrong and broke your heart. She blew up your house. And now you've got a broom and you've got to start the cleanup process. Hopefully she joined you. We'll be right back.

• 13:54Dr. John Delony?

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• 14:38Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't matter what they're called, they're just amazing. I also got a huge Cozy Earth weighted blanket that my whole family piles under. It is bye-bye for my anxiety. Cozy Earth is my go-to and your go-to for building a sanctuary in your home. So you can feel safe, relaxed, and ready to take on whatever comes next. And remember, Cozy Earth's Spring Into Comfort Sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to this show. Forty percent off everything. That's forty percent off. Visit cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY right now. That's cozy, C-O-Z-Y. Cozylearth.com/deloney for forty percent off. Go.

• 15:22Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:05Dr. John Delony?

  Transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day. And check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15% site wide. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%. All right, let's go out to Columbus, Ohio and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up?

• 16:49Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John, I can't believe I'm talking to you.

• 16:51Dr. John Delony?

  I can't believe I'm talking to you. This is amazing. What's up?

• 16:56Speaker 03

  Well, I'll go ahead and get started with my question and then I'll give you a little bit of background information.

• 17:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let it rip.

• 17:02Speaker 03

  All right. Am I wrong to feel upset about unequal treatment at work? And should I confront my management, quit, or let it go?

• 17:10Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, this is a good one.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  And a little side note on this one is I work for my husband's family.

• 17:18Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. How's your marriage?

• 17:22Speaker 03

  It's great, actually. We have, we've been like, it's honestly probably strengthened it, if anything.

• 17:27Dr. John Delony?

  So what, before you even ask, what is he telling you to do?

• 17:31Speaker 03

  He is kind of in the same boat. I am not really sure. I think that, I'm kind of thinking, we're kind of both thinking, maybe we should talk to them about it, but also, we're not really sure if it's our place. So I'll kind of give you some background information and you can see what you think.

• 17:46Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let it rip.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  So I have worked for this company since 2020, um, right after I had my first baby. And then since then, I'm still working for the company. And since then, I have had two more babies, one in 2022 and one in 2023.

• 18:03Dr. John Delony?

  Good lord, your house is a boring place, isn't it?

• 18:06Speaker 03

  Yes. Oh, it's crazy.

• 18:07Dr. John Delony?

  That's three kids, under five?

• 18:10Speaker 03

  Yes, sir, I do. And they're all boys.

• 18:13Dr. John Delony?

  Wow.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 18:15Dr. John Delony?

  That's why we drink. Congratulations.

• 18:18Speaker 03

  Thank you. So recently, my sister-in-law, who also works at the company, she had a baby. And I found out, um, as she came back to work, she was paid her full wages. And during her time off, and she has also been allowed to work from home. Now, I was not paid anything during my maternity leave, either time. Um, the second time in particular is the one I guess I'm a little more focused on because I went, I left that into that maternity leave. Um, I was working full-time at the time. And when I went to go back to work, I had also asked to work from home and I was told that I couldn't.

• 19:00Speaker 03

  So finding this out, um, my feelings have been a little hurt. And I just felt like maybe I'm not as appreciated in the office as I once thought I was. I've always worked really, really hard for them and, and they've said that I'm, you know, they've always told me I'm a great worker. And so I've just been a little confused about how to go forward with this information.

• 19:23Dr. John Delony?

  Why didn't your husband go storming into his mom and dad's house and say, what's, what's going on here?

• 19:31Speaker 03

  Um, I mean, we both are kind of not like that, I guess.

• 19:37Dr. John Delony?

  I don't care about that.

• 19:40Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you get to say like, "I'm kinda not like that," until somebody...

• 19:46Dr. John Delony?

  And it makes it worse, it's my sister, right?

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, his... yes, it's his sister, yeah.

• 19:51Dr. John Delony?

  Right, so these are both your grandkids. And I'll get into the family business dynamics here in a second, but like, I'm interested in the... Okay, I'm just putting myself in this position, if my wife had a kid and my dad was her boss and my sister's boss, and one of his, um...

• 20:13Dr. John Delony?

  A woman's pregnant with one of his grandkids and he's like, "Yeah, your butt's gonna be back here on work on Monday."

• 20:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:19Dr. John Delony?

  And then another woman's pregnant with another one of his grandkids and he's like, "Nah, you take your time. Work from home, I'm just gonna pay you. Money's just gonna show up."

• 20:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:26Dr. John Delony?

  What are you talking about? I'll be in there for that next morning! Where's your husband on this? I don't care. You don't get to say like, "I'm just not like that." I don't give a crap, you're not doing that!

• 20:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's pretty upsetting for both of us.

• 20:40Dr. John Delony?

  No! It should be upsetting for you!

• 20:43Speaker 03

  It is upsetting for me. I was very upset to find out about it. I was pretty furious that day and I thought about just storming out and then I was like, "I'm gonna take some time, go home and talk."

• 20:53Dr. John Delony?

  I would have. I'm an impulsive baby sometimes, though, but I would've quit.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  Well, I'm trying not to be an impulsive baby about it.

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  I know, you're mature, I struggle with that.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  I've tried to take my time and just think about...

• 21:05Dr. John Delony?

  Does your husband work there too?

• 21:07Speaker 03

  So, he actually recently, about six months ago, um, became a police officer. So he doesn't work there anymore, but he was up until that point.

• 21:15Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, here's the truth about family business.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 21:18Dr. John Delony?

  Sometimes the kids get treated differently.

• 21:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

  In the story.

• 21:23Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 21:23Dr. John Delony?

  I would've assumed that you're one of the kids.

• 21:27Speaker 03

  Right.

• 21:28Dr. John Delony?

  Your in-laws have confirmed you are not.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I am going to... I want you to imagine, you may have heard me talk about this. I want you to imagine you have like a small wooden box on your kitchen table.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 21:42Dr. John Delony?

  And in that box, I want you to imagine, and it should be, the number should be five, four, five, or six. People...

• 21:51Dr. John Delony?

  Who get to speak into your life in that box.

• 21:54Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:55Dr. John Delony?

  Who have permission to hurt your feelings, have permission to challenge your values, have permission to really come at you like, "Hey, are you sure this is right for your kid?"

• 22:05Dr. John Delony?

  That kind of stuff.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:07Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want you to consciously take them out of that box.

• 22:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 22:13Dr. John Delony?

  That doesn't mean you don't love them, doesn't mean you don't highly respect them, that doesn't mean you don't do everything you can to get to Christmas or whatever. That means as you had a picture of what this loving, connected relationship was gonna look like with these in-laws.

• 22:29Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 22:30Dr. John Delony?

  You had a picture of what kind of grandparents they were gonna be with your grandkid, with your kids and their grandkids and your relationship with them and whatever.

• 22:41Dr. John Delony?

  And there's also this work relationship.

• 22:45Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want to jeopardize the family side of this because I have an integrity question when it comes to business management.

• 22:55Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 22:56Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna take them out, and if you're financially able to, yeah, I'd put in my two weeks. If you're not, I would keep working until you find an opportunity that's gonna be great for you.

• 23:09Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 23:09Dr. John Delony?

  And with three kids under five, um, I am going to, uh, it's gonna be a tough, tough road to, right?

• 23:17Speaker 03

  Right.

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna be tough. Do they pay you in a way that's cost prohibitive for you to move?

• 23:24Speaker 03

  Um, no, honestly, I don't, um, I don't make a ton. I work pretty part-time hours.

• 23:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  Since having my third especially, uh, just because I don't have a ton of childcare options and it's kind of, it's not a like, super high-paying job, so it wouldn't really cover the cost of childcare anyways.

• 23:40Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. So, so let me tell you, you're right to have your feelings hurt. I have my feelings hurt for you.

• 23:46Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 23:47Dr. John Delony?

  I don't like it.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:49Dr. John Delony?

  It just feels yucky. I'm pissed off at your husband.

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:57Dr. John Delony?

  I am. And-

• 23:59Speaker 03

  I am a little sometimes too and-

• 24:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that's what I was digging for. You owe it to him and your marriage to not keep secrets.

• 24:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:08Dr. John Delony?

  Because we often think about protect and provide, right? We're gonna protect and provide. He's a cop, for God's sake. That's my gang, right?

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:16Dr. John Delony?

  And he knows how to handle a gun, he knows how to handle himself, he's got a taser on his- Like, he knows how to do that, but he doesn't know how to call his mom and say, "Mom, what the crap?"

• 24:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:23Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes protect is about muscles and bullets, fine. Most of the time in the modern world, protect is about, "You will treat my wife with dignity and respect and honor." And this is dishonoring.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, I agree.

• 24:38Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 24:39Speaker 03

  Yes, that's totally fair.

• 24:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I don't, here's the thing, I, man, 'cause, let me say it like this, every wife in a similar situation-ish, if you're really honest with yourself, you feel like the chips are on the table and he chose mom, not you.

• 24:56Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:57Dr. John Delony?

  Or he chose the keeping the peace with mom and dad over,

• 25:02Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, there's something doesn't, doesn't feel right here." And by the way, they're the boss, they can do whatever they want.

• 25:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 25:08Dr. John Delony?

  But come on.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:11Dr. John Delony?

  It's your green kid, right? You get what I'm saying?

• 25:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, for sure.

• 25:15Dr. John Delony?

  So, I, I don't want this to be a small potted plant. Like, I'm just thinking of like a clay pot with soil in it that you hold in your chest, that's the secret.

• 25:32Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:33Dr. John Delony?

  Where a seed just got planted of, "Yes, I trust him that he'll fight for me. Yes, I trust he'll take a bullet for me."

• 25:42Dr. John Delony?

  But man, he didn't even call his mom.

• 25:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 25:47Speaker 03

  Yep, you're right.

• 25:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so, it's now gonna be on you, and this is, sounds unfair, and people are gonna be mean to me in the YouTube comments, I don't care. It's now on you to not-

• 26:00Dr. John Delony?

  Like he, in my estimation, again, I'm only getting one side of the story. He might come and be like, "Bro, you don't understand. Actually, my wife's a terrible worker. My parents have been telling me that and I don't know what to say." So, there's a whole other side, I'm sure. But from where I'm sitting, he messed up by not going and saying, "Hey, Mom and Dad, I need some clarity on this. This doesn't look right to me."

• 26:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I would say that was a glitch in your relationship. That was something that put you second place. And he said, "Before God and family, no, you come first." Right?

• 26:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:36Dr. John Delony?

  On the other side, "I don't want you to hide this, plant this seed and have this grow into some sort of resentment, frustration, because it will and it'll come out in weird ways. I don't want you to put a glitch in the relationship too.

• 26:54Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to come across the bow and say, 'Hey, we need to talk.'" Like this, "I'm gonna resign this position. I'm gonna let them go to their thing. I want to have a grandma and grandpa more than I want to have

• 27:07Dr. John Delony?

  always be looking over my shoulder to see who's getting..." Like, whatever. "I'm just gonna, I'm gonna opt out."

• 27:12Dr. John Delony?

  But man, I gotta be honest with you. I wish you'd called your mom. Wish you'd called your dad.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I can definitely talk to him about this and tell him the truth, for sure.

• 27:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I just know secrets, like, secrets blow up relationships.

• 27:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, 100%.

• 27:34Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry this happened. This is a bummer, dude.

• 27:36Speaker 03

  I know, it is. It stinks, too. The job has honestly been one that I've enjoyed. But at the same time, I'm home with my kids a lot and it makes me happy to be home with my kids. So, I'm kinda looking forward to that just being my full, you know, have my full attention for a while.

• 27:55Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you one last thing? I don't know if this will give you any peace, but hopefully it does. I'm gonna talk, I'm gonna sound like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth and my butt at the same time.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  Don't take this personally.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  No.

• 28:08Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think this was a slight against you. I think it was a "do whatever you want" daughter. And I bet with the pace of the job, the pace of all the babies, the pace of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Son quit. He went and got another job. With just everything going on.

• 28:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm hoping that there wasn't a like a plotted effort to, no, let's make her life miserable.

• 28:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  It was more like, oh, daughter, you do whatever you want. You're our sweet, precious daughter. You can't do anything wrong, right? And I bet your husband would be like, that's always been that way since she was five years old.

• 28:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think he would say that.

• 28:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's one of those like, I'm not gonna take it personal. I'm not gonna give you all that. I'm taking you out of the box. I'm, I'm, I'd rather y'all be just fun, silly grandparents and whatever. I want, I want to preserve that and a part-time job isn't worth it and me wondering why I'm getting treated differently. I'm not, I, I'm just gonna step out. I'm gonna step out. And husband, next time, you pick me over mom. You pick me. Thanks for the call, Nicole. You're awesome. Appreciate you. And even if you're mad, give your husband a hug.

• 29:19Dr. John Delony?

  My buddies who are police officers need more hugs. We'll be right back.

• 29:24Dr. John Delony?

  Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish this wasn't the case. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives exist on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email address to random companies who then turn around and sell those email addresses to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at the reports my friends at Delete Me have sent me. They've reviewed

• 30:07Dr. John Delony?

  over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindelete.me/deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, delete.me/deloney.

• 30:51Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Let's go to Pueblo, Colorado. Man, I got some crazy adventures in Pueblo and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?

• 30:59Speaker 04

  Hi, good morning. How are you?

• 31:01Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. What's going on?

• 31:03Speaker 04

  Awesome. So if it is all right with you, I will go ahead and just read my question that I submitted since I don't think I could put it any more clearly than that.

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  Go for it. I haven't read it, so I haven't seen it, so let it rip.

• 31:15Speaker 04

  Awesome. Okay, so here's what I wrote. "I need advice as to how I can best support my husband while he works on becoming a healthier version of himself mentally, spiritually, and physically. He has been in therapy for over a year to work through his past trauma and is trying to figure out who he is after 40 years. Also, he is finally taking care of his physical health by going to the doctors. I am so very proud of him in all of the positive ways he has grown as a man, husband, and father. My primary concern is for his physical health weighs heavily on me as the days go by. His father passed away at 57, his grandfather at 63, and an uncle at 39, all from sudden heart attacks. My husband is almost 42 and is currently dealing with maladies that if left unattended to will cause stress and illness to his heart.

• 31:59Speaker 04

  My husband is my best friend and I love him more with each passing day. I want to see him become his best self in every way possible. I do not want to treat him as my child who needs minding or as an anxious worrier causing him undue stress when he's already working so hard as well as dealing with his own health concerns. I want to treat him as a loving and supportive wife who adores him immensely and is a positive encouragement to him."

• 32:23Dr. John Delony?

  You're awesome, Lee.

• 32:25Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 32:27Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for loving him.

• 32:29Speaker 04

  Oh, man, he loves me. He deserves it.

• 32:32Dr. John Delony?

  Well, even if he doesn't deserve it, just thank you for being somebody... Like, when I decided to make a lot of changes in my life, having a wife that I knew was ride or die with me, um, it made all the difference.

• 32:44Speaker 04

  Well, he's been that for me, so I just want to give him everything that he's given to me.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so I'm gonna give you some hard things and some tools. Is that cool?

• 32:55Speaker 04

  Please, and thank you.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  Hard thing number one: You can't want this more than he does.

• 33:02Speaker 04

  True.

• 33:03Dr. John Delony?

  All you can commit to is I'll tell you the truth and I'll love you.

• 33:09Speaker 04

  I can do that.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  I think I've talked about this on the show. This is a horrific, terrible, awful analogy, but it's the only one in my head right this second, okay?

• 33:17Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 33:18Dr. John Delony?

  I wish I had a better one. I'm gonna commit to finding a better one, but this is the one that just pops into my head.

• 33:24Speaker 04

  It's all good.

• 33:26Dr. John Delony?

  My dad was a hostage negotiator for the SWAT team.

• 33:28Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? In a major metropolitan city. And so what that meant was if somebody had a bomb, or if somebody had hostages, or if somebody was gonna jump off of something, they called my dad. My dad had a big old mustache, and he would come in, he was usually the plainclothes guy.

• 33:46Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  Like the, "Hey, how's it going?" Right? So there'd be a policeman in a uniform, like, kind of talking to the Syria, but my dad was the, the, "Hey," like, basically pulling up a seat kinda guy. "How we doing?"

• 34:01Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:02Dr. John Delony?

  And he told me something real important one time, and it's still something that I keep in mind when I do my job every day, whether I'm helping people in flesh and blood in real life, or I am doing what I'm doing right now, talking to you on the phone, and it's recorded and it's put on the internets.

• 34:16Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  He said he would always, um, when he would get off the elevator, he'd go all the way up, and somebody's about to jump, or they're saying, "I'm gonna jump," or he's on a overpass and somebody's gonna jump, he would always find a place where he could quietly pray. "Give me the words to say the right thing."

• 34:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:33Dr. John Delony?

  And then he would go through a quick exercise. "Watch or listen." And the "watch or listen" was, and this is harrowing to think through, but this is the reality of hostage negotiators and people that work with hurting people.

• 34:46Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  This may not end well. I may do everything right, and this person jumps. I may do everything right, and this person falls.

• 34:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:58Dr. John Delony?

  Am I gonna watch? Or am I gonna listen? And it basically, that was a quick, "Phew."

• 35:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna do everything that I can, but I can't hold the outcome. This other person does. And so I want you to be in that same position. Otherwise, you're gonna find yourself micromanaging and becoming that angry mother that you don't wanna be.

• 35:27Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 35:28Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna get up every day and say, "I love you. Dear God, give me the words to say. We're gonna agree on some accountability together, and so that you know your boundaries and your role."

• 35:39Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 35:40Dr. John Delony?

  And then you are going to do everything you can so that you are healthy, so that he has somebody to anchor into.

• 35:49Speaker 04

  That is good advice.

• 35:51Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 35:52Speaker 04

  I do, I do.

• 35:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, awesome. Have you told him, "I'm scared of losing you" at a young age?

• 36:01Speaker 04

  Yes, several times.

• 36:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, does he hear that?

• 36:05Speaker 04

  Um, yes and no. He does hear it, and he comforts me, and, um, he, but he also says, "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." So I think there's also a disconnect with him where...

• 36:19Dr. John Delony?

  That's what all men say. Just men are invincible until they're...

• 36:23Speaker 04

  Yes, because he has expressed to me on his own at other times that he is worried that he doesn't have long just because of the genetics in his family.

• 36:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, he's, well, and here's the thing. They're not deterministic, but they are sure, like, they're sure, like, uh, correlative, right?

• 36:40Speaker 04

  Oh, absolutely.

• 36:41Dr. John Delony?

  And so, yeah, he should be concerned. He's got a roadmap of what happens next.

• 36:45Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 36:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so he just has a daily choice to wake up and ask himself, "Don't wanna go down that road, because I know how this ends." And by the way, I know how this ends pain-wise for wife, kids, family, extended, whoever. Um, or I'm gonna have to do something radically different, which means I'm gonna have to choose minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, to be uncomfortable. Because I've got absolutely no roadmap for what comes next. My mom didn't do it, my dad didn't do it, my brothers didn't do it. I'm gonna be on my own with this amazing woman by my side with a machete, hacking my way through the jungle, creating a new path.

• 37:23Speaker 04

  I like it. I think that sounds fantastic.

• 37:25Dr. John Delony?

  But I mean, you get what I'm saying. Like, so, and the reason I tell you that is, I want you to be compassionate for him because for you, it's just like, dude, diet and exercise is not that hard. And for him, it's like every, every comfort, every comforting strategy, every numbing strategy, plus you're sitting on this time bomb that is your genetics, like all of this stuff. I'm gonna swim upstream.

• 37:49Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  And so, it's not, and again, it's not just getting out of bed like it is for me or like it is for you.

• 37:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:57Dr. John Delony?

  This is a wholesale sea change of living for him.

• 38:02Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 38:03Dr. John Delony?

  So cool, man, be compassionate. And he has to decide, I'm worth being around.

• 38:10Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 38:12Dr. John Delony?

  And for a 45-year-old unhealthy guy to go to the doctor, that tells me he at least is thinking about it.

• 38:18Speaker 04

  He is. He's finally at a point in his life where he realizes it's time to take action and he wants to. And that's a really, that's a huge first step, honestly.

• 38:27Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing. Alright, so I want you to do a couple of things.

• 38:30Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 38:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, I want you to take him out to a healthy breakfast.

• 38:37Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 38:37Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but I want you to take a piece of paper and, um, and I think this is instructive to have no screens. So he feels you plugged in, like you in a yellow pad. Swing by Walgreens or Walmart and buy a yellow pad and a pen.

• 38:51Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 38:52Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to look at him and say, I want you to give me a roadmap on how I can love you moving forward.

• 38:59Speaker 04

  Alright.

• 39:00Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to let him, like, do you want me to tell you? So here's an example in my life. I've given my wife permission to say, hey, are you really hungry? When she sees me grabbing a thing of cookies and ice cream out of the thing.

• 39:16Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 39:17Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not offended. My heart's, in fact, I feel loved.

• 39:20Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 39:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Now, if she came in and was like, oh my gosh, let me see your calorie counter, I'm gonna eat more out of spite.

• 39:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, that doesn't work.

• 39:28Dr. John Delony?

  Because I'm an immature child sometimes. Well, she just gently puts her hand, and she'll do it just in passing now, and I've just become part of it. She's like, um, you gonna sleep good?

• 39:40Dr. John Delony?

  And they're not passive aggressive, they're things we've talked about, right?

• 39:43Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 39:44Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, they're like, um, are you really hungry?

• 39:48Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll go, no, I'll start laughing and I'll just put it all back. Or occasionally I'll say, no, I'm deciding to make a bad choice and she'll laugh and be like, cool. But here's the thing, I do that so rarely now that it's, it is funny. It's silly.

• 40:03Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 40:03Dr. John Delony?

  Like, oh, you're gonna choose to be miserable for next two days, grown man, alright. And she knows it's not a personal attack, it's not a, and I'm not gonna, it's not gonna become a lifestyle for me and whatever. So that's just the way our house works. Or the other morning she goes, hey, would you do me a quick favor? And I was like, yeah. And she said, will you call, and she named my counselor, my therapist. And I started laughing because it's not a quick thing, it's a big thing. And, but that's her saying, I'm watching a series of behaviors. I'm watching some old patterns emerge. And we've talked about it and I love you.

• 40:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so, but, but that came from us sitting down and talking about it and me getting to say, hey, here's how you can best love me. And you can say, I'm not content to sit here and watch you die.

• 40:51Speaker 04

  Okay. I can do that, absolutely.

• 40:55Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to speak into how can I love you? Does it help if I ask you about? How your day went when it comes to eating right? Does it help? Does it help you when I ask you?

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  To go for a walk with me in the morning?

• 41:11Dr. John Delony?

  Does it help you to like, uh, uh, ask those, those serious questions because we're gonna leave, leave with a roadmap?

• 41:18Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 41:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Now here's a couple of other things I'm gonna give you.

• 41:22Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  Number one, I'm gonna give you, um, I give him a subscription to the Trainwell. It's the app that I use, my wife uses, my manager's wife uses, like, it's a personal trainer and a, um, and an app in one. It's amazing.

• 41:39Speaker 04

  Thank you so much.

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? It's amazing. But it has the workouts you can do at home, whenever I'm traveling and I'm like, hey dude, I'm gonna have four kettlebells and a band. It's like, gotcha. Um, I'm just gonna have body weight exercise, gotcha. And it's amazing to check the accountability, it's frustrating because they're always there, but they check in, it's great. Okay, so I'm gonna hook y'all up for free with that.

• 41:59Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna hook you up with free with, um, The app that I use for eating, for calories, and it's my friend, Dr. Lane Norton's, it's the Carbon app. I think it's the best one out on the market.

• 42:12Speaker 04

  Oh, thank you so much.

• 42:13Dr. John Delony?

  You can scan your food and we'll connect you with his team and they'll get you taken care of there. It's the app I use, it's the one on my phone. It's amazing. I just talked to one of my colleagues here the other day that, I call him the square root of himself now because he's lost so much weight. And he just said, I just follow the Carbon app, I just do what it said.

• 42:31Dr. John Delony?

  So those are a couple of the, what I think are the best tools on the market that I'm just gonna give you all for free, okay?

• 42:37Speaker 04

  That is very kind, thank you.

• 42:38Dr. John Delony?

  Actually, Lane, Dr. Norton's gonna give you his thing for free, but I'll hook you up with the TradeWell app.

• 42:43Speaker 04

  No.

• 42:44Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the bigger thing. At some point, I want you to ask him, would you mind if I went to counseling with you? So that I can learn some tools and how I can best love you.

• 42:55Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 42:56Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to think of food as a way to numb pain.

• 43:01Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm assuming he's unhealthy because of dietary choices, is that fair?

• 43:07Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, is he overweight?

• 43:10Speaker 04

  About 50 pounds, yeah.

• 43:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, alright.

• 43:14Dr. John Delony?

  Think of being sedentary, think of just kind of feeling frozen in his own feet, right, in his own shoes. When it comes to diet choices, when it comes to just dealing with stress. He's got a roadmap ahead of him that his family has given him for generations. And that roadmap will get you killed, there's a short cliff to it. And he wants to do something differently. But when you say, hey, I'm invested in learning how I can love you. And remember, this is you saying, I, I wanna love you. Can I come with you so that I can learn some things? It's not you going, you need to let me come to counseling so that you can, it's not that.

• 43:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, that doesn't work.

• 43:50Dr. John Delony?

  You're asking to be invited in.

• 43:53Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  And he might say no, and you don't take it personally because he's healing, but he might say, yeah, it'd be awesome.

• 43:58Speaker 04

  I think he would say yes, absolutely.

• 44:00Dr. John Delony?

  And it's showing him investment, what you're showing him is, I'm safe. I'm not your mom, I'm your wife, I love you.

• 44:09Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 44:09Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 44:11Speaker 04

  That is very fair.

• 44:12Dr. John Delony?

  He's lucky to have you.

• 44:13Speaker 04

  I'm lucky to have him.

• 44:15Dr. John Delony?

  Will you do one more weird thing for me?

• 44:17Speaker 04

  I would love to do one more weird thing.

• 44:19Dr. John Delony?

  Get a journal and put it on your bed and you all write each other notes every day.

• 44:23Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 44:24Dr. John Delony?

  And he moves it to his pillow, you move it to your pillow.

• 44:27Speaker 04

  Okay, I love that idea.

• 44:28Dr. John Delony?

  And if it's not, if he doesn't feel like it's belittling to him or it makes him feel, you know, less than, sometimes just say like, "Hey, I saw you reach in and grab the cookies and I saw you,

• 44:41Dr. John Delony?

  stop, get yourself. I want you to know I'm so proud of you. I saw that.

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  I saw you sneak in one extra lap around the track. I saw you sneak in one extra set of, you know, dumbbell curls in the garage. I saw you and I'm so proud of you. It's awesome." Or you're inspiring me to go, go work out a little harder myself, right? But it's those little notes of encouragement. Or, "I saw you struggle today. I want you to know I love you and nothing can ever change that. I saw you working hard and I'm imagining you giving our daughter away at her wedding.

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I just want you to know I'm so grateful for it and I know she's gonna be grateful for it too." It's those little, those little things where people feel seen and they feel known and they still feel loved. And sometimes it's hard to say that, it's hard to hear that, but man, you can read it over and over and over again. So I think it'd be awesome to try that out. Thank you for loving Well, Lee. You're pretty amazing. He's lucky to have you. You can tell him, uh, "Call me anytime. I'm happy to, to walk alongside him in any way." And to hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with TrainWell and with the Carbon App. We'll be right back.

• 45:49Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31st. Listen, you've heard me say this a thousand times, you're worth being well. And I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost. 90% off your first week. And let's be honest, we all spend money on things that we hope will make us feel better. Like streaming subscriptions, new clothes, gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of y'all are even essential oil people, but when it comes to actually digging in and getting real about our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. Please hear me. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health.

• 46:34Dr. John Delony?

  And I know actually going to therapy can seem like a huge first step, but it's more accessible than you think. BetterHelp makes therapy more convenient because it's online and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Your well-being is worth it and this offer makes it easier than ever to start. Right now, BetterHelp is offering 90% off your first week of therapy now through March 31st, 2025. This is the biggest discount we've ever offered on this show. 90% off your first week. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get started. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney.

• 47:17Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem?

• 47:19Speaker 02

  It's me. All right, this is from Rachel in New Hampshire. And she writes, "I want to start out by saying that your show has changed my husband's and my relationship and the way that we're raising our children. We cannot thank you enough for everything that you have taught us." Onto my question.

• 47:36Dr. John Delony?

  I agree. Continue.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  "I am the mother of two young girls who are two weeks and two years old."

• 47:42Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, Lord.

• 47:43Speaker 02

  Yes. "Since my first was born, I have been uncomfortable with the thought of men changing her diapers, aside from my husband, of course. Recently, my father asked why he had never been asked to babysit. When I told him the reason, he told me that I was wrong for feeling this way and sexist and that I needed to get over it. I told him that it's not just him, that I've never asked my father-in-law or stepfather to babysit for the very same reason, though neither of them have been as offended by not being asked as my dad was. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way? Or did my father take my feelings too personally?"

• 48:19Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, jeez.

• 48:30Dr. John Delony?

  Man, this one's so layered.

• 48:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'll start with the, ask me that last question again, like her last question, that last sentence. I want to make sure I address that one first.

• 48:45Speaker 02

  Am I in the wrong for feeling this way, or did my father take my feelings too personally?

• 48:50Dr. John Delony?

  So anytime, I tell this to all women and all men, anytime your alarm systems go off, when it comes to some sort of sexual impropriety, I always want you to listen to that alarm. And I also want you to not listen to that alarm alone. So if something sets your, like your little GPS pin in your chest sets it off, like the thought of your father-in-law changing your infant daughter's diaper, which in no shape, form, or fashion is out of bounds, is weird, or in any way sexualized, anything other than loving and caretaking. If something in your chest says, "Whoa, I can't have that happen", let that alarm be heard and let that be something that you head towards, not away from.

• 49:35Dr. John Delony?

  And what I say "towards", go sit down and talk to somebody close to you, go talk to a counselor, go talk to a close friend and say, "I feel this super mama bear protection when I think of another man changing my daughter's diaper. Is that bananas?" And let your friend say, "Yeah, I didn't feel that", or "I get it, and also", right? So when I say avoiding it, just setting up a perimeter, saying, "No men ever, in any shape, form, or fashion, no, I don't know, Sunday school helpers, no, no, any of those, never, never, never." I do think, um, there's just been too many stories I have young daughters. Like, I'm overly vigilant, I just am, and so I'm overprotective.

• 50:17Dr. John Delony?

  When it comes to this idea of a granddad changing his granddaughter's diaper, no, there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's totally 100% appropriate. Aunts and uncles, I mean, I think it's appropriate. I think it's, there's nothing familial, uh, what's the right word? There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think it's a good thing. On the other side of it, something is setting her off. Whether it's something happened to her when she was a kid, whether it's something that just got in her head and she heard a story, she knows somebody, or her radar on that particular guy, or those two particular men are, is just going off and it's not good. Here's one other line.

• 51:01Dr. John Delony?

  So there's all of that.

• 51:07Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know that any of that matters. And I'll be real careful here, I say this. I don't think it matters when you tell a family member, "Here's what I'm comfortable with." That family member,

• 51:24Dr. John Delony?

  gets to have their feelings hurt, gets to be frustrated. You're their parent. You're the parent. And so, I don't ever want you to feel small or little for your boundaries that you have. And if a family member says, "I don't give a crap about your boundaries. I think you're wrong. I think this is ridiculous. I think this is stupid." Then you have a right to pull that back. It's gonna come with consequences, it's gonna come with a cost. I want you to check those boundaries with friends, with counselors, or whoever.

• 51:54Dr. John Delony?

  But I guess I would tell her, "Yeah, it's not weird at all for father-in-law to change a diaper." In fact, most father-in-laws won't, so I think it's pretty amazing. And it's not wrong that you have something in your chest saying, "This isn't right." And it's also not right for him to belittle you for feeling that. Does that make sense? It's all of it, all in one big pot. Okay, so that's a lot there. What do you think? Tell me if I'm wrong on any of that.

• 52:19Speaker 02

  No, I think I agree with all that. I can, and I can also understand from his perspective, that would be hard to hear.

• 52:26Dr. John Delony?

  It'd be devastating.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  That your daughter, because in this case it was her father, thinks that you would do something. So I can, how he handled it, no, I don't think was correct. Telling her she's wrong and...

• 52:37Dr. John Delony?

  I would be devastated.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  But that would be a horrible thing to hear, that you think that I could ever... Someone who probably changed her diapers, you know?

• 52:45Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe never did, and was like, "I'm gonna do it right this time. I didn't participate..."

• 52:48Speaker 02

  And the fact that he wants to babysit his grandchildren.

• 52:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 52:52Speaker 02

  I can see where that would be heartbreaking.

• 52:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I get devastating. And I would say, um, not anxiety in the clinical sense, but this angst that she feels, I want her to go talk to somebody. Because this will trickle out into other areas of this kid's life, this kid's lived experience, where grandparents feel at arm's length, and dad may be okay now, but there's, you know, it's gonna be weirder and weirder and weirder and weirder. So, um, yeah, I want her to go talk to somebody about that. And I think that's worth digging into. But I guess I tell everybody, man, your feelings are your feelings. And when the dashboard light comes on on your car, you don't just immediately spray paint over it as though it doesn't count. When it comes up, you at least gotta check in and see is this right?

• 53:38Dr. John Delony?

  My check oil light's on now. I buy my oil from my friend Michael, who's a exec at Schaefer Oil, the best oil on the planet, free plug there, and they don't pay. But it's amazing, and I don't have to get it changed every 3,000 miles, because it's amazing stuff. My car, the light comes on, and I go, oh, do I need to check? And I check the mileage just to make sure, and then I go, oh, no, no, I'm good. Right? And so I go on, I check it, but I move on. Same with your feelings, man. If you get a bad sense, I'm gonna listen to it, but dude, um, yeah, it's not inappropriate for dads and grandparents to be involved. In fact, I think it's pretty amazing. Um, so there you go. Cool, great grand?

• 54:22Dr. John Delony?

  This is usually when the music comes up, and I'm trying to figure out how to end the show.

• 54:26Speaker 02

  I think we just say, "Good job."

• 54:32Dr. John Delony?

  I quit. Just kidding, I don't quit.

• 54:35Speaker 02

  No, you don't. You can't. Sorry.

• 54:37Dr. John Delony?

  What else am I gonna go do?

• 54:41Dr. John Delony?

  ChatGPT took my professor job. I mean, I'm kinda stuck here, so...

• 54:46Dr. John Delony?

  Let's do this, YouTubes. Love you guys. Bye.