My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed

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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  So I talked about role playing, or just, you know, having sex in a different place in the house, because it's 99.9% of the time in our bedroom, which is fine. And so for him, he's like, our bedroom is comfortable, it's private. Why would I want to have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. Glad that you are with us. Saving minds and saving... we're not saving anything. We're just trying to figure out what's the next right move for people who are struggling and hurting all over the world. This show's about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your dating relationships, whatever you got. And I'm grateful that you reach out. People call from all over, and they are brave, and they're honest, and I'm super grateful. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com/ask. And, what's up, Kelly?

• 1:11Speaker 02

  We have a special holiday today here in the booth.

• 1:15Dr. John Delony?

  We do. The great and powerful Ben Hill, best known for the lead singer of the band Dump Button, which is just incredible. Also, the lead singer of the band 90 Day Plan, because he's a multitasker. It's your birthday, dude. Happy 21st!

• 1:31Speaker 03

  Hey, oh, thank you. Yeah, it's 21st, that's right.

• 1:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's a drinking one. This is a big one, dude.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  It is.

• 1:37Dr. John Delony?

  It's a big one. How old are you?

• 1:39Speaker 03

  33.

• 1:40Dr. John Delony?

  33. So if you slap it up, flip it and reverse it, and go back to like 16-year-old Ben, is this how you drew it up?

• 1:49Speaker 03

  Uh, no. None of this. My wildest dreams, couldn't imagine this.

• 1:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, just sitting there in headphones, listening to my voice while you edit and edit and edit. Most people don't know this show's about four hours long, and you have to make it into about an hour show.

• 2:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, me and Sarah are just pulling, pulling this together.

• 2:10Dr. John Delony?

  Golly. Well, dude, happy birthday, man.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 2:13Dr. John Delony?

  You have anything fun planned?

• 2:15Speaker 03

  Going to Kentucky for a family get-together, Thanksgiving, next couple of days, and...

• 2:21Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know if I could draw up a less fun birthday party for you.

• 2:25Speaker 03

  I'm still thinking about it.

• 2:27Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Well, I still remember we went to the Underoath show last time and it was.

• 2:32Speaker 03

  That was rad.

• 2:33Dr. John Delony?

  Off the chain. All right, let's go out to Alberta, Canada and talk to the great Tara. What's up Tara?

• 2:40Speaker 00

  So my question would be, how do I get my husband to be interested in trying new things in the bedroom?

• 2:47Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about, tell me about what you're working on.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  So currently in my relationship, I'm the one who wants to be intimate daily. I'm the one who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. I've talked to him about this and he feels like I'm implying that our sex life is boring because I'm asking to try new things. I assured him that I don't find it boring and I would just like to add some variety. And I've talked to him about it, what I'm interested in or would love to explore. I met with disinterest or a no. He says he's fine with what we're doing and I feel like we're just kind of at a stalemate.

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, huh.

• 3:22Dr. John Delony?

  So when, when he pushed back, I'm interested in this little, this little, it's almost a derailment, but I think we may find some answers here. When he pushed back and said, oh, so you think this is boring? Tell me about that interaction.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  So he just implied that, or he felt that by me sharing that I just wanted to try new things, that I was implying that he was boring or not a good lover. And I was like, no, no. And I tried to give him an analogy of when our kids try new foods. You know, they can't say they don't like it if they've never tried it. You know, they need to try it first before they can say, yeah, they love it. No, they don't. And so he understood the analogy, but he was still kind of like, that's not the same thing. And I'm just not interested in.

• 4:06Dr. John Delony?

  So give me some examples of some things you would love to try.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  So I talked about role playing or just, you know, having sex in a different place in the house. Cause it's 99.9% of the time in our bedroom, which is fine. And so for him, he's like, our bedroom is comfortable, it's private. Why would I want to have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting.

• 4:29Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 4:29Speaker 00

  And so for, for him, I think he was just like, why, why would I do that? Um, I'm fine with our bedroom, you know, where we don't have to worry about our kids walking in. Um, and I think he just likes the privacy of it.

• 4:43Dr. John Delony?

  So underneath that, I hear somebody saying, "Hey, I want to add some life to our life." And he says, "No, I'm good." Where are other places in his life where you see him?

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  For lack of better terms, I don't want to overdramatize, I don't want to connect these too closely, but where he's dying in his own skin? He comes home and he just drops his backpack down and he grabs a drink and sits on the couch. Or he goes outside and he's like, "Hey," and then he goes in the bathroom for 30 minutes and scrolls on his phone. Like, is that the case? Do you watch the guy that you married slowly?

• 5:28Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, losing life force, if you will?

• 5:32Speaker 00

  He would say, like, he's just not a guy that's excited about much. Like, even if we have a trip planned to, like, Disney World, or whatever it is, or for daily things, he's just not excited, like, he just doesn't get excitement. Um, which I don't really understand.

• 5:45Dr. John Delony?

  Has he never gotten excitement?

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  Or is this new?

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Not really.

• 5:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:53Dr. John Delony?

  Because whenever, I always want to look at trend lines. Are you seeing him become something over time? That is, is starting to make you go, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I want a different kind of life." Or is this the person you've known, always been with? And you realize, "Okay, I want to recreate, I want to not recreate, but I want to rebuild our relationship into something new, will you come with me?" Right?

• 6:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I want, I want to rebuild something new, for sure.

• 6:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. That starts with you being honest. And I think the honesty is, I mean, that's hard to say, like, "Okay, I want to try some new things in the bedroom." And especially,

• 6:30Dr. John Delony?

  depending on what culture you're in, that can be really, um, vulnerable for a woman to say that, and then to be turned down. Right? Because you're trained, your whole life, "All guys want is sex all the time, and it has to be crazy and what..." And so then, you find yourself like, "Am I the only woman I know? Like, I want to do this all the time, I want to do it every day, I want to do it in different rooms, I want to, like, I want more and more and more," and you begin to ask yourself, "What's wrong with you?" Is that fair?

• 6:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, let me ask you that same question. Where, where are you finding yourself dying in your own skin?

• 7:06Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you been married?

• 7:07Speaker 00

  We've been married for seventeen years.

• 7:09Dr. John Delony?

  Seventeen years? Do you got kids?

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Yes, we have two. They're teenagers.

• 7:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So do you have this moment where you're starting, it's sinking in like, oh, this is my life?

• 7:19Dr. John Delony?

  Or do you just want wild sex?

• 7:21Speaker 00

  I guess everything just feels, I guess a lot of people, it just feels very mundane, like every day is the same. You go to work, you, you know, tend to your kids, you make dinner, and every day is kind of like a repeat. So it's like in a bedroom, we can do whatever we want. We can have fun, we can, you know, it should be playful. Um, we can do anything and it just feels like if that's also mundane and also the same, it's just like, it'd be nice to try something new and feel excitement, I guess.

• 7:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, like you, you have put your finger on the pulse of, I think, ah, man, ninety-five percent of North America, right there. Like, so much of our life is bills, going to work, getting kids to soccer, getting kids to school and whatever. And we shut the door, we have our own hour and a half just to play, become somebody that we don't have to be all the time, try things, laugh, get awkward, like, whatever. And it can be gut-wrenching when your partner says, nah, I don't wanna do that.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:19Dr. John Delony?

  But that means you have to be honest, talk about the thing beneath the thing. Which is, you're not a guy who gets excited about much, I get that.

• 8:31Dr. John Delony?

  I'm suffocating in the world that we have co-created together. Will you build something new with me? And I know that his first impulse would not be to have sex on the kitchen table, or just to walk in when the kids are gone and rip your shirt off and like, and like, show some initiative, right? That, that wouldn't be his first impulse. But the question is, would you do that for me? And if he looks at you and says, nope, I won't, then that's the deeper conversation. Because that is not just about sex. That's about playfulness, life, that's about a, a marriage that is going through the motions. And the bedroom is just like, uh, it's just the alarm bell, right?

• 9:14Speaker 00

  And I've talked to him about that and you know, I've, I've shared, you know, what I'm interested in and whatever. And he said, I'm just not that guy. Like if you want me to do X, Y, Z, like I'm just not into that, or that doesn't do anything for me, or like, that's cool that you're into it, but like, I just won't ever do that. Like, I'm not that guy. Like, you know, role playing does nothing for me. I don't want to pull over on the side of the road and have sex in the car. Like, I just, I'm not going to do those things. And so then I just feel like I kind of have to.

• 9:40Dr. John Delony?

  Is there some common ground?

• 9:42Speaker 00

  On, on things that we would do together?

• 9:43Dr. John Delony?

  Or are there baby steps? So maybe there's not pull over on the side of the road, but when the kids are in bed, we'll be a little bit risky and we'll go downstairs and have sex in the car in the, in the, in the garage?

• 9:56Dr. John Delony?

  Or like-

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, he, he wouldn't want to. Cause he's like, that's not comfortable. Why would I do that? Like, he doesn't even want to have, you know, he doesn't want to be intimate downstairs. Cause again, it's like, what if the kids get up to get a drink of water and they hear us or see us, or he just doesn't want to have risk at all.

• 10:10Dr. John Delony?

  But for you, that's, that's part of the spice, right? That's part of the like, yeah, we could get caught, like the old days, like when we used to make out and we could get caught, right? And like, that's, that's part of the, the feeling alive again. I guess what I would tell you is I'm worried about the trajectory. And here's why I'm worried about the trajectory of your marriage. Um, what you did was a pretty vulnerable thing. And I'm not saying that, and, and this goes both ways, both genders, right? So normally, and I'm, I'm instead of a bell curve here, although this is shifting radically right under our noses. Historically speaking, it's the guys who are like, I just want to try some cool stuff. I want to try new things and she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't. Um, we're seeing it more and more and more and more, where women are like, dude, I just want, like,

• 10:53Dr. John Delony?

  it's my husband that won't have sex with me over and, like, I'm hearing that over and over again, whether it's HRT, I mean, whether it's a hormone replacement and testosterone, who knows what it is. But, um-

• 11:06Dr. John Delony?

  You did something pretty vulnerable, which is you sat down with the person that you said, "I'm with you forever. Here's what I need." And he said, "No." And not only did he say, "No," he said, "I'm not even gonna entertain it." Meaning, I get if you're like, "I want you to dress up like a cop and come bang on the door and scare the kids." Like, I get him being like, "Man, I'm not comfortable with that." My fear is you're going to run into somebody at an after-school event, they're dropping your daughter off, and you're gonna get the sense right away, oh, this person's adventurous, a little bit flirty. And that's when you answer the text. And that's right. So you head down a road, man. Which I hope you don't do. I hope you have the integrity not to do that. But man, it just sets a table for it.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I told him that, like, you're the only person I get to do life with. Like, I don't get to do this with anybody else. I can't speak, you know, what I'm desiring outside of our relationship, and I wouldn't do that. And so it's like, this is it. And so it's like, if he's not willing, not interested, it's kinda like, I have to, I guess, mourn that it will just never happen. Like, I don't know.

• 12:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  I think for him too, sex is deeply uncomfortable to talk about, because we both come from a conservative background. And so to even talk about it, especially for me initially, and to be vulnerable, like you said, and to put yourself out there, is terrifying.

• 12:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 12:24Speaker 00

  And so for him, he's like, "Man, you're comfortable talking about sex?" I'm like, "Not really, but like, I'm tired of keeping it inside. Like, I need to say something."

• 12:31Dr. John Delony?

  But also, y'all made kids. But I can't wrap my head around,

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  "This is just uncomfortable to talk about." Y'all made humans. You made kids. You built a life together. And to have a thing that we can't talk about, or feels unsafe to talk about, I think that's the pulse.

• 12:52Dr. John Delony?

  That's where I want y'all to go get with a marriage counselor and go talk about that. Because here's the question you begin to ask yourself beneath the, "Why doesn't he find me attractive? Or why won't he try these things that I would love to try in the bedroom?" Beneath that, it is...

• 13:08Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about me that makes him feel like he can't talk to me about stuff? And that's deeply intimate. Like, that's, that's identity, right? Why is there secrets that he can't tell me or won't tell me? And for him, just to say, for anybody, just to say, eh, that's just weird, I don't want to talk about it. You've been married 17 years, you've been together two decades. I just don't buy that excuse. Obviously, don't do things you don't feel safe and comfortable with in the bedroom. Get that. Obviously, every, every long arc of a relationship, people are gonna try stuff that initially, they're like, ah, I don't even know if this is possible, but okay. Right? Like, that's every relationship. And you have to find that balance.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  And it's a balance of, this is too far uncomfortable for me, or this is way out of my comfort zone, but you and I have come up with a safety plan and we're gonna make this, okay, all right, all right, I'm in. Like, every couple navigates that, everyone.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:04Dr. John Delony?

  And I would even go as far to say is not, no one is ever 1,000% like, oh, yeah, like, e-everyone's super 100% in, like, right?

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 14:13Dr. John Delony?

  You're co-creating a thing together. What I would say that I find distressing here is the lack of willingness to talk about it. It's just a shutdown.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Right, that's his, I guess that's his thing, is if we're talking about something hard, whether it's sex or whatever it is, he just kinda shuts down or just engages or just kinda leaves the room, whereas I'm the person who's like, let's talk about this now, let's dive into it, let's fix this, let's repair, and he's very much the avoidance and...

• 14:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and that to me, that's a, that's a fear of intimacy. That's a fear of, if she truly knows me, if she, if she knows how little I know or how scared I am, or if she truly knows me, she gonna leave? If she truly knows me, and, and it wouldn't surprise me if he comes from a highly performative childhood. Like, you will sing and dance, and if you sing and dance incorrectly, and you don't make mom and dad look great, then you pay a price for it. And so, you learn over time, I don't do hard things, I don't do uncomfortable things, I shut this system down. I'm off, I'm out. And when you decide to do life with somebody, you decide, I'm gonna gently and safely, if it's okay for both of us, if it's safe for both of us, we're gonna open these cans back up.

• 15:25Dr. John Delony?

  Because that's the only way you don't starve the other person for affection. And for everybody listening, this call starts with, I wanna do more adventurous things in the bedroom. We're the only one we're ever gonna have. Let's try some wild things. Let's have some fun. Let's like, I love your words. Let's be playful. Let's, let's elevate the, the boringness and let's have some fun. But that's a symptom of a bigger conversation, which is, I don't talk about money. Hey, I need you more present. I don't, ah, I'm doing the best I can. Hey, would you ever be interested in trying this in the bedroom? I don't talk about that kind of stuff. And that's what drowns relationships. The actual acts that happen in the bedroom is

• 16:04Dr. John Delony?

  a, it's just a, it's blinking lights on an alarm, right? It's their, their traffic lights of, are we both flying down the road together, arm in arm, built something new, built something rad, no brakes, all gas pedals, together? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, good folks. Listen, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories that we were born into. We have the stories of the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves. We've got the stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write about our futures, and they're all powerful. And while you can't

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• 17:58Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:54Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John, how are you?

• 19:56Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, how are you?

• 19:58Speaker 00

  Um, I'm doing pretty good. Um, so my question is, how do I look forward to having kids? Um, so more specifically, I'm 26, um, I've been married for about three and a half years. Um, and I've watched my friends, lots of my friends, have their first and second babies, and it just does not look fun.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  So...

• 20:22Dr. John Delony?

  Well, yeah, yes, and... I, I guess, I guess what I would say, out of the gate, I would say, fun can't be your metric for life.

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  If you're asking the question, is this fun, you're never gonna go through hard times in the gym that get you stronger. If your questions are, is this fun, you're never gonna like, have, mine the depths of your marriage, because the only way you get to the other side where you feel tethered and united with a person is you'll have to go through hell together. And it, so it's, so I think until you shift your metric,

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  um, it doesn't look fun. I mean, just look at it on paper. It, it's, it's a, it's a bad algorithm. It's gonna cost you money, it's gonna blow your marriage up for a while, it's gonna change your sex life, I mean, it's gonna change all the stuff.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  That's just what I don't like. I mean, looking at my situation specifically, like, I have overbearing in-laws, I've battled insecurities with my body all my life, um, I just graduated with my masters, and I'm just so excited for my career, and like you said, it's a terrible investment. And just everything that goes into having a baby just feels like an uphill battle, and I'm just, I'm just dreading it, I'm dreading it, and...

• 21:41Dr. John Delony?

  Except, let me, let me push back. What life you've painted. Uh, do you mind how, asking how old you are?

• 21:49Speaker 00

  I'm 26.

• 21:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, 26, yeah, you told me that. So, I'm gonna tell you something as an old man, mid 40s, okay?

• 21:56Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 21:57Dr. John Delony?

  Your generation, and I, I'm responsible for your generation. I was an educator for 20 years in high school and universities, okay? I'm responsible.

• 22:07Dr. John Delony?

  We told you guys that the path towards a great life was the avoidance of painful things.

• 22:18Dr. John Delony?

  If you have body, if you've always had body image issues, I have to my whole life. And I, I can't hold a candle to what women go through.

• 22:27Dr. John Delony?

  The path is not avoidance of bringing, like watching your heart grow a new chamber as it wraps around this new life.

• 22:36Dr. John Delony?

  And avoiding that because of some past challenges. The work is, I'm heading straight through that body image challenge. Your overbearing in-laws are, are gonna be chaotic and overbearing. Why don't you have kids? Where's my grandkids? I can't believe you married her. Oh my gosh, she's too, she doesn't look right. She's, it's not gonna go away. It's gonna amplify either way. So the work is not to avoid the in-laws. It's to go right through it.

• 23:07Dr. John Delony?

  And that means you have to have hard conversations with your husband about, are you gonna still be mommy's boy? Are you gonna be my husband?

• 23:15Dr. John Delony?

  And when it comes to career, dude, career is amazing. Career is amazing. And career has become a drug for the modern, like, western world to avoid the hard, messy, gritty reality that is depth in life. What did you get your masters in?

• 23:33Speaker 00

  Accounting.

• 23:34Dr. John Delony?

  Accounting. So you're gonna go get-

• 23:36Speaker 00

  I just recently also passed the CPA exam.

• 23:39Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations. So you're gonna go, are you gonna go be, work at a big firm? Are you gonna go do boutique stuff?

• 23:45Speaker 00

  Uh, a big firm, big public firm.

• 23:47Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. High respect for that. And the moment their executive team gets a whiff that they're gonna miss a Q number,

• 23:58Dr. John Delony?

  they're gonna lay off 10% of you guys and they will have that job filled at the beginning of the next quarter without you.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:07Dr. John Delony?

  And so, on the other side,

• 24:11Dr. John Delony?

  my God, I can't, I can't, I can't do the math. The math doesn't work. And that leads me to believe that, kinda like this, I heard, I heard a, a famous attorney once say,

• 24:25Dr. John Delony?

  You never use a gallon of milk to measure how far something is from something else.

• 24:32Dr. John Delony?

  But a measurement in a gallon is right. It's a great measurement. When you're measuring like milk or whatever. Or when it comes to like how much tequila Kelly drinks on a regular basis. Like you measure gallons. It's good. But you don't use a gallon to measure how far a football field is. Similarly, algorithms are good. Math problems are good. That's not the measurement you use. You talk about creating life.

• 25:02Dr. John Delony?

  And here's all I can tell you. Here's all I can tell you. The data tells me that yes, your marriage takes a dip.

• 25:08Dr. John Delony?

  But it takes a dip if um your metric is fun and your metric is quote unquote happy. Which I think happy is cocaine and cotton candy. I don't think that's even a good metric. And it also takes a hit when couples are not intentional. About understanding that our life is going to change and it's going to be different. Most couples have a kid and they keep saying this phrase, "I just want to get back to the way it was." Instead of recognizing, "I can't believe we get to make what happens next."

• 25:40Dr. John Delony?

  Do you get what I'm saying?

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:42Dr. John Delony?

  So I can tell you, just as personal, this is just me. I have one regret in my life. And that's that I didn't have more kids. That's it. I've said some stupid things I wish I could take back. Actually, I regret a few of those. I've heard some people. But globally speaking, I wish I had more kids. And that's just me. It's not for everybody. But I am...

• 26:08Dr. John Delony?

  I just don't believe a person can fully understand their capacity to love something or someone until they are staring at a reflection of themselves in their hands. Until they're staring at a loved one, a kid, whether through adoption, whether through personal... Like, it's just amazing. And it will cost you money and you'll lose sleep. You won't progress as fast in your career and all those things are true. So let me ask you this. Why are you asking the question?

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Uh, I mean, I also grew up in the church and, you know, like, every girl's dream is to be a mom.

• 26:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's not true. Bad churches tell you that, but that's not true. And so it sounds to me like you're watching your friends suffer. You've, you've been told this message by me and countless other professors and friends and family forever. And you're haunted by, I want to have a kid. It doesn't make any sense. It's almost like you're trying to make it make sense because that's what you want to do. Am I wrong?

• 27:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, it's, I mean, it's, the only thing I can hold on to is like, you know, with being a Christian, you, you need to get married, you need to have kids so then you can carry on Christianity through the earth. And that's what we're called to do. We're called to be fruitful and multiply and carry on, you know? And I come from a great family and my husband's family's great.

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  Let me just, let me free you from this. Uh, God's a big boy. He can take care of himself. He's a, he's, he's, he's got things figured out. If you believe in God, you have to believe he's got things figured out.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:42Dr. John Delony?

  And so the question is, who are you gonna be when you walk into that accounting firm? If you're a person of faith? Who are you gonna be as a mom? Who are you gonna be as someone who says, as for me and my house, we're not gonna have kids?

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  I think that's the, that's the theological answer that most people have to wrestle with.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  I, I want, like, when I picture life, I, I picture when they're 16, when they're 20, when they, when they're adults, when, and, and, you know, but I don't picture, I can't see, I mean, I see awful, me doing awful things when they're, you know, a week old screaming in the middle of the night. They've been fed, they've been changed, they've been, everything, every me they have has been taken care of, but they won't stop crying in the middle of the night. And I'm, you know, sleep deprived and exhausted and, you know, and I understand that like, you're never gonna be sleep deprived, like truly sleep deprived until you've cared for a baby. Like, so.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  I just, that part of their life, I can't, and it's the very first part, the very beginning, and it's years. So, it's just hard mentally to like, get past. Or be okay with.

• 29:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I get that. I get that. And you're not wrong.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  Because I can, I can accept when they're sixteen and they're being a brat. Like, I can handle that. I know I can. I can learn how to do it, but...

• 29:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but, yeah. My kid's getting close, and I thought I was all ready. And it's like, man. But here's, here's the thing. Um...

• 29:25Dr. John Delony?

  The math isn't gonna work out.

• 29:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  Like, there's gonna be, trying to preempt scary times and hard times and frustrating times. Um, in any job, in any relationship, in any, any endeavor, is a fool's errand.

• 29:45Dr. John Delony?

  Because, A, you never know how extraordinary it's gonna be on the other side.

• 29:51Dr. John Delony?

  And our bodies are designed for, but what if it all goes wrong? Right? That's how our bodies have, have survived all these gajillions of years. And, with some intentionality. So as you're talking, I'm thinking,

• 30:08Dr. John Delony?

  "Yeah, we're gonna give that overbearing mother-in-law a role. If she wants it. We're going to not include that overbearing mother-in-law, but I'm gonna have three high school kids that come over and spend the night with me sometime so I can sleep." Like, I'm just thinking of one solution after another after another that kept my family's head screwed on straight.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  Can, can you, can we walk through some of those? Like, I just, solutions, I, I, I guess, I just don't know what they are, I guess.

• 30:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so I, so the first one is, um,

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  "No woman should be alone with a crying baby." And that's the way we've built our, our modern western society.

• 30:45Dr. John Delony?

  That a brilliant, like, um, competent, amazing woman comes home, she's pulled from her job, she's pulled from her social circles, she's pulled from her spouse, and...

• 30:59Dr. John Delony?

  She sits in a box with a screaming toddler. For months, sometimes for years. That's insane. That's never happened in all of human history. For all of human history, there were kids and cousins and grandparents. There's actually some pretty remarkable conversations around, I say conversations in the literature, about grandmothers. Like, what's the utility? Like, if it's pure biology, right? Reproduce, and that's the species that, like, why would grandmothers hang around? What's the point of being alive post-menopause? Why didn't nature just end the life of a woman when she couldn't bear kids anymore?

• 31:42Dr. John Delony?

  Well, come to find out, anthropologically, having wise, older women who are there to participate in, like, whether it's wisdom, and in the modern world, whether it's, like, my mom, who's still a professor, whether it is hugging hurting kids, whether it is taking care of and nurturing, whatever it is, there's roles to play for everybody. And so, your adventure becomes, I know me when I'm sleep deprived. I know me when there's a screaming kid and I can't do anything about it. So, instead of avoiding the whole thing, I'm gonna head straight through it. Okay, what must be true, then? Does your husband want kids?

• 32:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Not today, but yes.

• 32:27Dr. John Delony?

  Have you sat down with some older women that are a couple of years ahead of you and just said, "If you had to do it all over again, would you?" And not people who are with one and two-year-olds? Because they're still, like, square in the middle of it.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  Um, yes. Um, and my mom, she worked. She's a nurse. She worked when we were little. And, yeah. They, yeah, they say it's a terrible investment, but it's worth it. But I guess I just...

• 32:54Dr. John Delony?

  As an accountant, that doesn't make any sense. I get it.

• 32:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. And a lot of women at, you know, the church we go to, stay home. And they don't have careers. They, you know, and, because that's their dream. That is their career, being a mom. And that's what they love to do. But I just, it's not been my dream. It's not my dream.

• 33:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, I want, here's your homework assignment, okay?

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  For your whole life, you've been listening to other people's shoulds,

• 33:24Dr. John Delony?

  have tos, and you have been comparing yourself to people's bodies, to people's attitudes, to people's spirituality, to people's interpretation of what God wants them to do, to their dreams. You've been comparing yourself forever.

• 33:41Dr. John Delony?

  What I want you to begin to practice is having the courage to co-create a new world with your husband where y'all decide. And if you're people of faith, informed by your faith, right? But y'all decide, what kind of world do y'all want to inhabit? And when y'all decide that, no decision is fixed. And so every decision is six months, is three months, is one year. And if you say, "I want to keep working full-time," great, keep working full-time. And if three months in, you're like, "This is the worst decision, I want to go home," then go home. And if you're like, "This is the best thing for me, I love it, we have an amazing nanny, my mother stepped up and she's taken those old nursing

• 34:23Dr. John Delony?

  skills, she's the best," stay at home, like, it's amazing, awesome. But here's the thing, y'all get to decide, and nothing is fixed. Nothing is forever. Y'all get to change your mind all the time, build something new, build something new, build something new. But I want you to begin to think, what do I actually want with my one reckless, wild, precious life?

• 34:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's the new year, it's my favorite time of year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful, and overall, building a better life. And we all know that most new "go get 'em" goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year, let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems, and let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul. Let's start with our spiritual lives, and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day, and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you

• 35:28Dr. John Delony?

  Grow closer to God and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and fostering a community for accountability. So start the new year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com/deloney.

• 36:06Dr. John Delony?

  That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free.

• 36:16Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, you're looking at me through the glass.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  I think that, I think you did a great job on that, no question. And as a mother, I know where you're coming from, but I don't think having kids is for everyone.

• 36:29Dr. John Delony?

  I think you're right.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:30Dr. John Delony?

  I think you're right.

• 36:31Speaker 02

  I think that there are some people that, for whatever reason, shouldn't, can't, don't want to.

• 36:38Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, God.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Whatever.

• 36:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  And now, as a woman, if you say like, "I don't want to have kids," that's hard because we're supposed to, you know? Because there was a point in my life, because I've known, you know, since I was a teenager that I couldn't biologically have children, there was a point in my life when I was okay with that.

• 36:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  And I remember, but it's like, but the, you know, what's your purpose, basically, you know, for a living? And but, so that's hard as a woman to say that I don't want kids because I think you get a lot of flak, but I just don't think it is for everybody.

• 37:08Dr. John Delony?

  I think men get that same flak. I don't think we talk about it the same.

• 37:11Speaker 02

  Probably.

• 37:12Dr. John Delony?

  No, we don't get the same flak. That's not true. We don't get the same flak, but we get... I think you just get flak either way.

• 37:19Speaker 02

  Right. Well, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

• 37:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:21Dr. John Delony?

  So, yeah, I think there are people who sit down and think it through and say, "This is not for us." Always going to honor that. High five all the way to the end of time.

• 37:30Dr. John Delony?

  But I do think that our generation sold them part of the algorithm that wasn't true. Does that make sense?

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Like, what do you mean?

• 37:38Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it would be like if, um, my parents grew up dancing and they loved dancing and they were, they were not great at it, but they were dancing every weekend and I'd always hear them banging around the house and they got home laughing, carrying on. And then in high school, I took dance classes. And every time I went out to dance class, they sat us down and said, "Hey, if you do this, here's what's about to happen." And they painted this picture using ulterior metrics, wrong metrics. This will happen and this will happen and this will happen and this will happen. Geez, okay. I'm not doing that. I don't, I don't want that life. I don't want that life then. Cool, I got the message. I don't want that world. I don't want to exist there.

• 38:25Dr. John Delony?

  And then you sit down and you meet somebody and you're like, "Hey, do you want to go dancing?" And it's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no. I have talked to the experts and they have said this happens, you run out of money, you don't have any time, you don't get to do art anymore, you don't get to do this, you, your career goes away." All these things that aren't objectively true. They're just false. But you paint this picture about it and then people say, "Well, it's just not for me." Totally get that people's right to do that. I honor that all day long. And as from a house that, man, we tried to have kids and we, it was, it was horrific. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, right? Been there, I totally get it. So what I'm saying is not everyone has to have kids. What I'm saying is I think there's got to be some ownership that we told people to use this calculus and it was the wrong calculus.

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  What I should have looked at when, back to my dance analogy, some, some guy in a classroom can give me all of the, "Well, here's how many calories you're going to burn, here's what it's going to do to your hips and here's what it's going to do to your toes." They can give me all that stuff.

• 39:22Dr. John Delony?

  And then I could just remember back to how much laughter and joy and warmth was filled, filled my home growing up when I watched my parents dance, right? And when dad blew his knee out and all the rehab and all the whining, like, by the way, my parents, if they ever are dancing, I'll know where the apocalypse is upon us. They don't dance. So, um, is that making sense?

• 39:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm picturing you in a tutu now, which I'd rather not.

• 39:45Dr. John Delony?

  You always picture me in the weirdest stuff. You got told you to go see somebody about that.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Trust me, it's not my choice. Um, no, I get it and I, I understand that.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  Every time we have these calls about kids, I always get lit up with mean emails and questions. And that's fine.

• 39:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. And like I said, as a parent, I understand where you're coming from on a hundred percent. But I also know it's just, it's not for everybody.

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  And we don't want it to be for everybody. I mean, not because it's exclusive to only these people, but some people shouldn't, some people.

• 40:14Dr. John Delony?

  Millions and millions can't.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  Can't. Yeah. And I mean, I understand that, you know, ours are adopted.

• 40:18Dr. John Delony?

  Heck, yeah.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Um, but some people just want to be the best aunt or uncle and we need those people.

• 40:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  You know?

• 40:25Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and that goes back to what I was saying earlier about, man, there is a, there's, just if you decide this, decide, don't do it alone, right? Find the aunts and uncles and teenagers and neighbors and grandparents and, and I know there are people who listen to the show and say, I've got nobody. Okay, that's your work then. And that's not a popular thing to say, but that's your job then. Go find some people that you can breathe with.

• 40:47Speaker 02

  Right. And that makes sense. So, yeah, I get it.

• 40:51Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I feel like I stepped in it.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  No, I don't think you stepped in it at all. I just wanted to mention that little piece. And again, we talked about this before of just for those that are sitting out there right now, they're like, I have no desire to ever have children. My husband and I are fine and they're okay with that.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  And they're fine with it.

• 41:12Dr. John Delony?

  And the beauty is they get to decide that. They get to decide that. And I keep looking at the economic data. The birth rates are declining all over the world because people are opting out of having kids. And there's people starting to ring the alarm bells. I'm like, uh. I mean, a strange new world we live in. But alas.

• 41:29Speaker 02

  There's a lot of people on this earth. A lot of people.

• 41:33Speaker 02

  Maybe a few less in a horrible thing.

• 41:36Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Adam. Adam, save me from myself. What's up, brother?

• 41:42Speaker 04

  Hey, so I'm calling today. I am a public school teacher. I teach high school.

• 41:48Dr. John Delony?

  God bless you.

• 41:48Speaker 04

  Coming back to it after, I don't know. I was just sitting here talking about all the kids. I'm just thinking, oh, boy. You think you can handle a 16-year-old, but until you have to.

• 41:59Speaker 04

  But yeah, so this is my 10th year teaching. I took a three-year break. Went and did some other stuff for a while and decided to jump back into it and I did. I'm working at a much bigger high school than I've ever worked at. And, you know, these kids that they're coming to school, they're dealing with so many things. Divorces, family members dying, friends dying. You know, I mean, just life. Life happens to them too. How do you navigate that with a kid in a classroom? When they're going through something heavy and, you know, that's probably the reason they're acting out or whatever the case may be. I mean, how do you work with that? What are some strategies that you can, I can take as the adult in the room to try and

• 42:45Speaker 04

  give that kid the space and the opportunity to work through whatever's going on while also, you know, helping get them where they need to go?

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh, that's such a blessing, man. Thank you for asking the question. I wish there were more teachers out in the world like you. That's pretty awesome, brother.

• 43:01Speaker 04

  Well, it just hit me one day.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's incredible. And I count my few years of teaching high schools to my favorite years I've ever been alive. It was hard. I got hit in the face. I mean, it was wild, but man, I loved it, right? So I think.

• 43:25Dr. John Delony?

  My initial thought is this. How far upriver can we get? Relationally. So that when these things occur in the life of a young person. That regardless of what's going on at home, regardless of what's going on in their lives and their worlds. They know of one sturdy adult. That both knows them slash sees them and holds them to a standard. And so, most schools get this wrong on either side of the teeter totter.

• 44:05Dr. John Delony?

  It's all emotional, it's all relational, which is great, but kids know when they're not doing their best.

• 44:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:14Dr. John Delony?

  And kids know when an adult hugs them and says, "It's okay." The kid knows it's not. And so what we tell kids is, we lie to them and they know it. They know it. And then the other school says, "I don't care what's going on anywhere, anytime. You will do this work." And just a basic understanding of Maslow, like, "I can't do algebra if I don't have any food at home."

• 44:38Speaker 04

  Right.

• 44:39Dr. John Delony?

  "I can't do algebra if I'm playing defense because dad gets drunk and beats the crap out of all of us and I'd rather him hit me than mom and little sister."

• 44:46Speaker 04

  Right.

• 44:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so I think the middle is this. Something as simple as, every day, school starts and for two minutes, 120 seconds. Kids write in a folder. My wife actually taught me this from her college students. They write in a folder. "How's home? How's school? How's you?" Something simple like that. And obviously it needs to be age appropriate.

• 45:15Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  But what you'll find is, and here's the annoying part, because you don't have any more space in your life. You respond to every one of them.

• 45:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Even if it's as simple as, "You're a blessing. Thank you for sharing. I see you. I got your back."

• 45:36Dr. John Delony?

  I'm watching you change in front of me. It's amazing. Right? Like, what happens is it's boring, it's boring, it's boring, it's boring. And then you open one of those folders up and it's like, my, my granddad just died.

• 45:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:50Dr. John Delony?

  And you never would have known it. You just would have seen that kid pull their hoodie over and put their headphones in. And you would have yelled at him, get their headphones out and they would have thrown their phone. It would have been a whole thing.

• 45:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  And then the other side of that is, when you've shown up and shown up and shown up and shown up and shown up. And by the way, the, the, the writing a thing right before class, that's a little thing. I mean, that, that, that may not be appropriate for your school. So I'm just thinking of any number of intervention strategies that somebody can implement. The, with the main goal being, I see you and I know you're a whole person outside of this classroom.

• 46:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:23Dr. John Delony?

  You step out in the hallway with somebody and if they're smaller than you, you take a knee. And if they're not, you look them in the eye and you say, I'm so sorry.

• 46:33Dr. John Delony?

  You feel safe to give me a hug.

• 46:36Dr. John Delony?

  And then you look at them before you head back in, you say, hey, you can't have those in there. You know that. And they laugh or they cry and they take their headphones out and they put them in because it's, because they're held to a standard. But I don't think you can have accountability outside of relationship.

• 46:51Speaker 04

  I agree.

• 46:52Dr. John Delony?

  And then here's the suckiest part. You have to have a very ironclad plan, you and your wife, to deal with the amount of secondary trauma that all teachers hold on a daily, daily basis. Because no person was designed to carry that much pain, but those kids are bringing into your classroom every day.

• 47:11Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah. So what does that look like?

• 47:15Dr. John Delony?

  Everybody does it differently. Some people walk. Some people go lift weights. Some people go to a therapist. Some people go to church. Um, some people do all of those things. Some people get home and they put their phone away and them and their, and their spouse just go for a walk. No talking. Give me an example of what some of the things your kids are going through.

• 47:32Speaker 04

  Well, um, so.

• 47:37Speaker 04

  And there's, um, I have had kids who's, uh, who they've, they've lost like siblings this year. Um, one of the things that's, that's also occurred recently is, um, um, there's a student who passed away not too long ago and that's, that's impacted a number of the kids, um, from the school. Um, um, you know, I've, I've had a young lady who's, uh, told me that, you know, she probably one of the, well, the greatest, um, uh, you know, thing that has been said to me is, um, she, she told me that last year she tried to, uh, commit suicide.

• 48:14Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 48:15Speaker 04

  And, um, she said that, uh, I asked her like, well, if you would be, if you feel that way again, will you tell me? And she said, absolutely. Um, you, you seem like somebody I could, I could tell that to.

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 48:25Speaker 04

  And we actually had that, she had that conversation with me, um, a few weeks after that. She's okay now. We, we referred her to, you know, we got her the help we needed, but she needed, but I mean.

• 48:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's an amazing testament to your ability as a teacher, but, but deeper than that, just your ability to be a guy that kids can feel that I trust that guy. He cares about me. He wants me to be okay.

• 48:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:48Dr. John Delony?

  It's pretty cool.

• 48:50Speaker 04

  But it does accumulate over.

• 48:52Dr. John Delony?

  It does, it does, it does. So if you've ever listened to this show, you, you know, I'm always telling people to write letters. I, I was just a dumb 21 year old, 22 year old. That was the very first time I ever enacted that was when I had a class full of high school kids and one of their classmates died by suicide and it was horrific. And I passed out papers to everybody and I said, everybody, I want you to write him a letter. And I read all of them and it was one of the most important shape shifts for me. And it changed the tenor of my classroom because I commented on them. I talked to folks, there was two or three of the kids that were really personally struggling

• 49:36Dr. John Delony?

  deeply and so we could connect them to the counselors. But I remember it being a really important connection point because they're never going to raise their hand in front of their classmates and say certain things, but they will write it down. And I was a goofy, I was a goofball teacher anyway, but being a goofball, I'd built relationship with them over the course of a year. So when that moment came, um, we were checked in.

• 50:02Speaker 04

  That makes sense. Um, do you think it matters whether they write it by hand on paper or they type it? I mean, is that?

• 50:09Dr. John Delony?

  I, I think there is something-

• 50:11Speaker 04

  Is that baseball?

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  There's some research about the kinetic importance of writing, that when you lose the connection between your head and your hand, it changes things. Um, I'm not smart enough to tell you yea or nay. I think there's something important that says, I think this is a life lesson, that we are communicating in the, in the, at the 30,000 foot level of high school kids, middle school kids, elementary school kids and college students, that there is a life before and after this class. Take two minutes and exhale, and check in with yourself where you are. And so, I don't think that can be done with a screen. It's too distracting. It's designed to, for the exact opposite sensation than that, what I'm trying to get from them.

• 50:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:55Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, I think there's something powerful about all screens down, all phones over, but not your folder. And my wife did this awesome thing too, with her college students, that I stole and did it with my college students. I did it even with my doctoral students. In that same folder at the end of the class day, she had three columns on the page, and the students had to grade themselves, I think it was one to five on a lacquer scale, like, um, "How was your participation today? How was my class? And how would you, um, what's one thing you learned today?" And I'd go through and initial them, just to let them know I saw it. But it was amazing to me how many students would honestly represent, like,

• 51:39Dr. John Delony?

  they would score themselves. Like, I, I, I did, I gave you, I gave myself a two today. I didn't even read the assignment coming in. I'm sorry, I'll be better, I'll be on it next time. But just knowing that people were cared enough to ask, changed the dynamic of the classroom. And occasionally, I would learn something. I, I came unprepared today. My mom's in, in the cancer ward, and I went to see her last night and get them till late. Man, now I can check in after class, shoot an email to them, let them know, "Hey, I'm gonna extend your deadline this weekend, don't even have to ask." Like, I could do some things, um, around grades and connectivity and things like that.

• 52:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:15Dr. John Delony?

  But it was amazing would just write me a couple of lines and letting them know week after week that I'm checking in on it, what that will do. Sometimes it's just initial. Tell them. If I initial it, great. That means I saw it and I love you and I care about you.

• 52:27Speaker 04

  I like it. I like it. It's gonna be a lot of folders, but uh, definitely, definitely we could do with it.

• 52:32Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, so many folders. The other thing that I like about the folder, and again, there's a thousand intervention strategies. This is just one of a thousand. One thing I loved about it was, um, they also got to decorate it how they liked.

• 52:47Speaker 04

  Oh, cool. Yeah.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  People would put crazy stickers on them, write sayings on them. I would encourage that, especially at the beginning of a semester. Um, bring whatever your wild self to this thing. There'd be hunting stickers and deer stickers and like metal stickers and whatever. Like bring it and decorate it up. Don't do anything, um, inappropriate, obviously, but decorate it up. And that was a cool way I got to know these students right away. Like, oh, I know, I was you growing up, or I knew a guy like you. And that's pretty cool. And this guy's gonna be just a box of turds and I can't wait to get to know him because he's gonna be fun. Right? But whatever it is. So I think, I think it's, at the end of the day, how can, in the context with which I live, how can I develop relationships and

• 53:30Dr. John Delony?

  respectfully and with compassion, hold the accountability line as often as I can? There is moments when it's like, hey, I need you to step out of class. You can listen to your headphones out there. I know your world just blew up. That's very, very, very rare. But if you go too far on the, it's okay, honey. I'm just gonna pat you on the head. You don't have to do anything. Kids know that we believe, oh, you're not enough. The other side of it is, like, keep going! And just whacking them with the old three foot ruler. Regardless of what's going on in their life, this lacks compassion. And students will sing and dance for you. And then they will cut you out of their lives forever. And I don't want them being in a place where they learn to hate learning.

• 54:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I want to tell you about my favorite Cozy Earth. We're just into the new year and for the past month, my sleep was all screwed up. I was spending more and more time on screens than I normally do. I was traveling all over. I felt out of place. And here's the deal. Starting the year off right starts with good sleep. And that means creating a space that helps you actually rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is amazing. It's soft and breathable and it keeps me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. My wife sleeps in these Cozy Earth long sleeve bamboo pajama sets. She loves them.

• 54:54Dr. John Delony?

  And we all love the bath linens and the best towels in the world. And I've really fallen in love with these cityscape hoodies. So let's do a restart. Let's put down our phones this new year. Let's set regular bedtimes and actually stick to them. And let's get comfortable whenever possible and invest in our sleep. All of this with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering up to a 40% off discount code exclusively for Dr. John Deloney Show listeners. That's cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY.

• 55:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. And don't forget, you can go over to the Ramsey Network app where the show is hosted and you can download the Ramsey Network app and you can get this show a week early. Comes out on YouTube, subscribe, do all that kind of stuff. And it comes out on podcasts. What do you say when it comes to podcasts? Subscribe to podcasts, is that right?

• 55:54Speaker 02

  Follow, subscribe.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, thumbs up.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  But on the app, you just.

• 55:57Dr. John Delony?

  Internet. Yeah, but if you're on the app, if you're on the app, it just comes out straight on the app and you can get a week early. And there's an episode of United States of Anxiety where I flew to Connecticut and met with somebody. She was awesome and she worked for, we worked, walked with her for 90 days. It was pretty rad. So you can check that out too. So go check out the Ramsey Network app. Happy birthday, Ben. Make good choices.

• 56:16Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 56:18Speaker 03

  No guarantees.

• 56:19Dr. John Delony?

  As, as the lead singer of Dump Band would appropriately say. And Kelly, happy Thanksgiving. Hope it all works out for you.

• 56:29Dr. John Delony?

  I can imagine you being one of two things, a bundle of joy at Thanksgiving or good God, let's go outside and throw the football.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  Are you joyful?

• 56:39Dr. John Delony?

  I could see you like kinda coming unhinged and having like be like a great hang at Thanksgiving.

• 56:44Speaker 02

  I love the holidays.

• 56:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I'm going to my husband's family and I love my, I love them. We have fun together, so. Great. Fantastic.

• 56:54Dr. John Delony?

  Anytime somebody says two superlatives about themselves, "I'm great, fantastic, wonderful." Like Tommy Boy, "Good, great, grand." That means they're lying. Best of luck to you, Roberts family. Holidays are here. Kelly's coming. We'll see you soon.

• 57:14Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.