I Caught My Mom Having An Affair

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A son trying to process his mom’s affair · A wife struggling with not having her needs met in the marriage · A mom wondering how to have a conversation with her daughters about cosmetic surgery Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I discovered that my mother was having an affair and I found a box of condoms in my car after she borrowed them.

• 0:11Dr. John Delony?

  From your mom?

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, I had to confront her on it and uh...

• 0:16Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, hold on, how old are you?

• 0:18Speaker 00

  I'm 20.

• 0:19Dr. John Delony?

  Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude. What's going on? What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your relationships. Man, it's tough to be in relationships these days. Whether you're dating, you're trying to date, or trying to figure out how to be married in a culture that is obsessed with you not being married very well. Man, trying to raise kids in a sideways world, trying to, man, deal with in-laws, all of it. Or if you're dealing with your mental and emotional health, or you're dealing with all of that in a big cocktail, that's what this show is about.

• 1:02Dr. John Delony?

  Me sitting with whoever you happen to be, all over the world, hurting people everywhere, trying to figure out what's the next right move for me to make. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K, and fill out the form and send it in and we will see if we can build a show with you in it. I'd love to have you on the show. For real. For those of you who've been brave and joined me, thank you so, so much. And for everybody who has hit the subscribe buttons, have been listening to us just quietly in the shadows for all those years, thank you so, so much for being in the gang. All right, let's go out to New York and talk to... Hey Joey, what's up Joey?

• 1:40Speaker 00

  How's it going, Dr. John?

• 1:42Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right, brother. What's up, man?

• 1:44Speaker 00

  So, I discovered that my mother was having an affair. At first she kinda tried to deny and lie about it and she just said, you know, it was a one-time thing, but it was pretty clear-cut that the evidence was there and it came to a boiling point where she finally admitted it and came out with the truth, but how to... Obviously, my father's very distraught by this.

• 2:10Dr. John Delony?

  How did he find out?

• 2:14Speaker 00

  She borrowed my car and I found a box of condoms in my car after she borrowed them.

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  Oh god.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  After she borrowed the car and.

• 2:21Dr. John Delony?

  From your mom?

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I had to confront her on it and uh.

• 2:26Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, hold on. No. How old are you?

• 2:30Speaker 00

  I'm twenty.

• 2:31Dr. John Delony?

  Bro.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, man.

• 2:34Dr. John Delony?

  Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'm smiling, but it's like out of horror for you.

• 2:41Speaker 00

  It was, it wa- I, I went into a state of just shaking and I felt like a ghost as soon as I.

• 2:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 2:51Speaker 00

  As soon as I saw it, I was like, this can't be real.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking that now. Like, there's no way. That can't be real.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  And it's still, I mean, it still feels, it's still, the whole thing just feels like a nightmare.

• 3:03Dr. John Delony?

  Well, how did your dad find out?

• 3:05Speaker 00

  So I gave her the ultimatum. I said.

• 3:08Dr. John Delony?

  Good on you, brother. Good for you.

• 3:10Speaker 00

  I said either, either you tell her, or I said either you tell him, or I'm gonna tell him.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  Good.

• 3:15Speaker 00

  I'm not living with that on my conscience.

• 3:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, you're a person of integrity. Good call, man. Ex- well done, brother.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  So, you know, she ended up telling him a couple of days later and uh, but those couple of days, just, I, I couldn't even look at my dad in the eyes. He, he could feel something was wrong. And uh, it was just, it was horrible on me. It still is. And obviously now he's very distraught and struggling because she continued to lie about it after I discovered it and just said, you know, it was a one-time thing, but then we found more evidence that it was clearly not just a one-time thing. And, you know, the phone calls, the text messages were pretty clear-cut. That this had been going on for, you know, a little over a month, maybe two months.

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, brother, I'm just gonna tell you right out of the gate. I'm sorry.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 4:03Dr. John Delony?

  Twenty-year-olds are not supposed to find condoms in their car after their mom borrows it. Like, that's not supposed to happen.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:08Dr. John Delony?

  On fifty different levels. And, brother, I got to applaud you. Um, your mom put you in an impossible situation.

• 4:19Dr. John Delony?

  Which is, um, at some level, hey, the fate of this family staying together now rests on you, 20-year-old Joey. And that is stone-cold unfair. And you did the right thing by saying, "Hey, you have this much time, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna contribute to the lack of integrity in this house by also me becoming a liar in the process. Not gonna do it."

• 4:41Speaker 00

  Right.

• 4:42Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you, dude, because I know that's hard, because it's also your mother. No matter how gross and like weirded out this is, it's also your mom, right?

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:51Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so how can I help, man? What can I do for you?

• 4:54Speaker 00

  I mean, I guess, how do, like, I've been trying to help my, like, honestly, more out of it than anything, I'm more distraught from my dad because, you know, they've been together for over 30 years and...

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  You can't carry it, brother. You can't carry it.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  He's struggling so much, and my family, like my brothers and all that, they're all struggling with it, too.

• 5:16Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but listen, you can't carry this. Like, they're, they're 30-year married couple. They're what, 50 or 60 years old?

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 5:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you can't carry this. You're 20. I don't mean to kick you while you're down. I couldn't carry this from my parents. They have to be grown adults and do the next right thing for them to stay well individually and to decide, do we want to stay married? And if we do, what is that gonna look like? And you cannot participate in that.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:51Dr. John Delony?

  You can love your dad, and you can say, "Dad, I'll go have a drink with you," or you can't drink yet, "but I'll go have coffee with you, I'll go get a bagel in New York with you, I'll go do whatever with you, um, but I'm not gonna talk about mom." That's for you and your counselor, that's for you and your buddies, that's for you and your pastor, that's for you and whoever. But he's gotta have adult friends that he can lean on and adult professionals to lean on. He can't burden his 20-year-old son with this.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 6:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And I know that makes you feel the one thing that all men, especially 20-year-olds, are taught to avoid at all costs, and that is feeling powerless.

• 6:29Dr. John Delony?

  And men are taught, when you feel powerless, you just start swinging. When you feel powerless, you just start jawing. When you feel powerless, you just start shooting. When you feel powerless, you just start drinking.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  And so the biggest challenge you're gonna have is keeping your wits about you and doing the next right thing for a while.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:51Dr. John Delony?

  Not trying to drink this away, not trying to ignore this away, not trying to lie this away, but also not trying to solve it. It's just this uncomfortable tension that's just gonna be for a while. And dude, you didn't do anything to cause it. I'm sorry it happened.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:11Dr. John Delony?

  Are you living at home?

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Thing I've, I've told my dad, I said, I've, I've already explained to him, I said, you know, I'm always here for you. I get you have a most, cause he's, he's like, I feel sorry that, you know, that you guys have to go through this. And I said, man, it's not your fault. And whatever your decision, whatever going forward it is, I'm here for you. I support you in whatever it is that you wanna do moving forward with this.

• 7:34Dr. John Delony?

  And let me tell you, that's a great blessing you gave to your dad.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:39Dr. John Delony?

  That I'll love you no matter what. You wanna keep this marriage together, I'm gonna love you. And you say, I'm out, I'm gonna love you.

• 7:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:46Dr. John Delony?

  That's a great blessing. You are wise beyond your years, my man.

• 7:51Dr. John Delony?

  It's an honor to get to talk to you.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Likewise.

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  But what I don't want you to do is, this will start welling up after the initial smoke wears away. And right now, you mentioned, like, it's like, feels like you're a ghost, like you're in a fog. It will turn to anger and rage.

• 8:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And what I want you to be very careful of is what you do when you're angry.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, I already kinda went through that, cause I found out who the guy was. And I, I, like you said, I tried to be more wise than that. I decided, you know, that's just your emotion. And once I let that emotion get over, I was like, alright, what's the next step? What's, I'm not gonna do anything to this guy, cause what's that gonna do for anyone? Nothing.

• 8:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna put you in jail, that's it.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 8:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right. Um, now, if your dad calls and says, we gotta bury a body, that's another, I'm just kidding, don't do that, don't do that. Um, alright, but here's the deal. Uh, are you living at home?

• 8:48Speaker 00

  I am.

• 8:48Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, it's time to move out.

• 8:52Dr. John Delony?

  It's time to find a place to go. Are you in school?

• 8:57Speaker 00

  No, that's kind of one of the biggest things is like I was working and then recently it's the winter time, so I was working construction, my job stopped. I'm kind of looking for something else now. So that was already something that I was dealing with personally and trying to figure out what's my next step. And then this got thrown and

• 9:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I think it might be time for a grand adventure. Are you good at construction?

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Pretty decent, yeah.

• 9:26Dr. John Delony?

  Well, here's what I know about you. You're a person of high, high wisdom and high integrity at 20 years old. You've either, you either went through some crap as a kid, or your parents raised you really well. Which one is it?

• 9:40Speaker 00

  A little bit of both.

• 9:41Dr. John Delony?

  A little bit of both, okay. You've seen the world. Fair?

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Sure, yeah.

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  You've seen some stuff?

• 9:47Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 9:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right. I don't want you to lose that wisdom. And it might be that you get one of your brothers and you say, hey, let's move to Texas for a year. And let's just work construction. They're building solar panel farms like crazy. Let's go get on one of those crews. And let's get in a part, let's go on an adventure. I'm 20 years old.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 10:09Speaker 00

  I was kind of thinking about getting out of construction and doing something different, like sales or

• 10:14Dr. John Delony?

  Get on it.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  What would your thoughts be on that?

• 10:15Dr. John Delony?

  I'd say go knock your lights out. If you'll hang on the phone, I'm gonna hook you up as my free gift. I'm gonna hook you up with my buddy, Ken Coleman wrote a book, Work You're Wired to Do, and it's got a career assessment in there. I'm gonna get that for you for free. I'm also gonna send you his book, it was a number one bestseller, it's called The Proximity Principle. And basically, it's an end around. It just teaches you how to put yourself in conversations and around people that can enlighten you to the next step. And if you want to get into sales, here's the thing, the whole world moves at the speed of sales.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:52Dr. John Delony?

  If you're good at selling and you're a person of wisdom and you're a person of integrity, bro, the world is yours.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so if there's somebody at your construct on your construction team that does the sales part of the job, you might come in and say, man, I think I have a few, I want a future in sales. If you don't mind being told no a lot, you don't mind being uncomfortable, you're clearly pretty good at navigating that, bro, the world can be yours.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:23Dr. John Delony?

  Or just go get a job in retail, man. You're not doing anything anyway. Go get a job in at two different retail places and just work on sales. Go get a job in a car dealership and go get a job at a department store, man. And you're not going to make a jillion dollars, but you're going to slowly see how commission works. You're going to slowly see how sales work. You're going to slowly see how telling the truth to a customer. When you could get a little bit more out of this one sale, but over time, you're going to get a bunch more if you tell the truth. And you, as a salesperson, you're focused on one thing, helping other people. There's that old Zig Ziglar quote, if you help enough people, you don't have to worry about money. That's going to be you.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:56Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 11:59Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 12:00Dr. John Delony?

  Brother, the world can be your oyster, but I want you to begin to think about what is life outside of this house. And get one or two of your brothers and you all go begin to make your fortune somewhere. And just continue to be wise and people of high integrity. Don't borrow money. Don't put yourself, don't chain yourself to somebody else. So you have to do what they say every day.

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:19Dr. John Delony?

  And then go get it, my man.

• 12:20Speaker 00

  I guess the only other thing with that is I, I worry about right now is leaving my dad and leaving him alone to.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  He's a grown man. He's a 50 or 60 year old man.

• 12:34Dr. John Delony?

  If he had heart trouble, or he'd had a hip replacement, or he had just had a stroke and he needed hands on deck, um, I could see some 20 year old muscle. I can see a 20 year old saying, hey, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take six months of my life off and I'm gonna walk alongside my old man while he gets back on his feet. But what he needs right now, I'm saying this with all love in my heart, you can't give him.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's just hard to see it, seeing him broken and.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Seeing him upset. I've never seen that. And it's hard.

• 13:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. It's the hardest thing in the world. When you're, when, there's a moment in all of us when our dads become human.

• 13:14Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 13:14Dr. John Delony?

  It's really hard to watch.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  That's what I told him. I, he said, I feel selfish for what you see this. And I said, Dad, you're human.

• 13:22Dr. John Delony?

  He gave you, he gave you a great gift. And that, because one day someone's gonna break your heart. One day someone's gonna cheat you. One day somebody's gonna hurt you. And you're gonna be able to draw back on this and go, and hold on. It's okay for a season to just drop my shoulders and weep.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 13:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's okay to be devastated for a season. There would be something wrong with your old man if he got up the next day after finding out his wife of 30 years was cheating on him. And he found out the way he found out. And he was like, oh, that's cool, man. Gotta go make that buck. It, there'd be something wrong with him.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  The right thing is that he's devastated because he loved hard, right?

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's been tough because both me and him, we can't eat and we can't sleep.

• 13:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And that's what I say, I try to say with all love and respect, I want you to get out of that environment because you need to see the sun come up again.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:08Dr. John Delony?

  And you need to see, you need to hear the birds chirping again.

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 14:12Dr. John Delony?

  And you need to see a customer smile because you came in their life and you helped them with the problem. And they showed you appreciation for that help by giving you money.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 14:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  And he needs to go talk to a counselor, your old man. He needs to go talk to a couple of close friends. But you can't, you can't bear the weight of that adult marriage on the back of your 20 year old shoulders. And that's not, that's not something wrong with you. That's just reality.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 14:41Dr. John Delony?

  Is that cool?

• 14:42Speaker 00

  That's cool.

• 14:43Dr. John Delony?

  Brother, hang on the line. I'm hooking up with a couple of free things. And um, just want to tell you again, it's been a high honor to get to talk to you. I don't get to talk to many 20 year olds that are this high wisdom and that are this high integrity. Keep those two things. Keep those two things. Never lose them, okay, brother?

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 14:59Dr. John Delony?

  All right, my man, you call me anytime. You call me anytime.

• 15:04Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 15:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, brother.

• 15:10Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly, antes de ir para a pausa...

• 15:13Dr. John Delony?

  Eu não tenho as palavras.

• 15:17Speaker 02

  Não há ninguém que deveria ter que...

• 15:19Dr. John Delony?

  Não?

• 15:20Speaker 02

  Bem, nada disso.

• 15:21Dr. John Delony?

  Nada disso? Isso é tudo? Só nada disso?

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  Quando voltarmos, uma esposa e mãe de quatro querem saber: "Eu preciso apenas colocar meus necessidades sexuais no arco-íris do banco?" Atenção!

• 15:37Dr. John Delony?

  Tá, vamos falar sobre Delete Me. Ignorar um problema não faz com que ele vá embora. Todos podemos fingir que rastrear e enviar e comprar coisas online e tudo o que assistimos nos dispositivos digitais que todos temos, podemos apenas fingir que podemos passar a nossa vida como se tudo o que fazemos não fosse monitorado e que as informações pessoais não sejam tomadas e vendidas aos merdas na internet. Mas fingir que não seja real não faz com que seja verdade. A verdade é que o mundo digital é o oeste wild e é um lugar onde a informação de você é comprada, vendida e roubada sem que você nunca saiba. Pense nisso. Você já recebeu um e-mail esquisito que sabe muito sobre você? Ou você já teve seu telefone quebrado com robo calls?

• 16:22Dr. John Delony?

  Isso não é ruim. A informação pessoal de você está em todas as partes da internet e os spam e os scammers estão com medo de investir nisso, a menos que você faça algo. E é por isso que eu uso e recomendo Delete Me. Eles escavam a internet para encontrar seus dados e eles os removiam dos websites de bruxos de dados. Eles revisaram mais de 35.000 sites para mim e removiam meus dados de centenas deles, o que me salvou inúmeras horas. Quando você se inscreve no Delete Me, é desvairar sua vida digital e remover uma fonte de ansiedade ao mesmo tempo. Então, pare com os scammers e os spam antes que os problemas sejam iniciados e retorne o controle com Delete Me. Seja protegido com Delete Me hoje

• 17:05Dr. John Delony?

  e get 20% de todos os planos de Delete Me. Isso sai para menos de nove dólares por mês. Visite joindeleteme.com/deloney agora. É join, J-O-I-N. Joindeleteme.com/deloney.

• 17:22Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health, or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected,

• 18:06Dr. John Delony?

  to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com/deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com/deloney for three months for free.

• 18:42Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Boise, Idaho, and talk to Megan. What's up, Megan?

• 18:47Speaker 03

  Hey.

• 18:48Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 18:49Speaker 03

  It's all good. So basically, my big question is, is mine and my husband's sexual differences pertaining to, I have a high sex drive. He does not due to medical reasons, and that's a big issue within our marriage, mostly on my side.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  And so I'm right now trying to see whether or not it is worth the energy anymore to try and get my husband, hopefully, along the same line as me, or at least try to put effort into it.

• 19:30Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I can almost, I can almost hear the shame in your question.

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm not proud of it. Of course I'm not, but it's been-

• 19:41Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is, this is your body.

• 19:45Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's been ten ye- over ten years.

• 19:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Total. And we have kids and, you know, I understand the stress, of course. We have, um-

• 19:56Dr. John Delony?

  Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're just trying to talk it out, talk it out. Just sit with it for a second, okay? I can hear it on you. I can hear it on you.

• 20:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:07Dr. John Delony?

  Have you done dumb things over the last ten years?

• 20:11Speaker 03

  Yes. To be honest, I have, and I have come clean about those.

• 20:16Dr. John Delony?

  What's happened?

• 20:18Speaker 03

  I have, it, it gets to the point where it becomes such a big buildup and I feel, in a way, abandoned, even though I've communicated and my husband's aware of my sex drive, to where I've gotten so frustrated, I have stepped out on my marriage and infidelity has happened.

• 20:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  I'm not at all dismissing it. I know it's not right, but I'm just sometimes kind of getting in the point of, is it fair for me just to be told that, well, this is just how it is, so just deal with it? Or, like, if I need help?

• 20:56Dr. John Delony?

  I think, I think both things are true. I think both things are true. Okay? No, I don't, I don't ever believe, um, outside of, yes, some serious, uh, physical challenges, okay? I don't ever believe in any marriage around any issue. That the phrase, "This is how I am."

• 21:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:17Dr. John Delony?

  I don't ever think that's okay. And I don't think it's okay to cheat either.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I'm not, I'm not happy of it.

• 21:25Dr. John Delony?

  But you should be saying, like, I, I know, I know, I know. But A, I want you to fully own it.

• 21:32Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:34Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll even go as far to, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but-

• 21:38Dr. John Delony?

  Due to your frustration and due to your heartbreak and due to feeling like you're being rejected,

• 21:45Dr. John Delony?

  you became somebody you'd never thought you would become.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  Exactly, but I've also since going through all this, I've, I've come to terms that um, in a lot of ways, I wasn't really raised per se with a very healthy, you know, setup pertaining to relationships.

• 22:04Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know, but you're already going back to, well, it's actually how I was raised. It's actually how I'm being treated.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  No.

• 22:09Dr. John Delony?

  I want, I, listen, all the way to the beginning, I heard it right when you called. I just want you to sit with it for a second.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and there's a ton of reasons and we'll talk about some of them.

• 22:23Dr. John Delony?

  But there's so much deflecting going on.

• 22:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:29Dr. John Delony?

  Just sit with it for a second.

• 22:34Dr. John Delony?

  You're in a marriage that you go home to every day. You got four kids, you said? So you got a house of chaos.

• 22:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:40Dr. John Delony?

  And you're looking at somebody in the storm, saying, will you come meet me here in the storm? And he says, no, I ain't coming.

• 22:49Speaker 03

  That is sometimes how I feel.

• 22:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, now, let's dig into the truth of that. Tell me about his, his medical condition.

• 22:57Speaker 03

  Um, it's, I wanna obviously respect him, um,

• 23:03Dr. John Delony?

  Don't apologize for it. Just go straight.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  He's not, so, he has EB, but it's not due to testosterone, it's due to a blood flow issue.

• 23:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  He himself, like, we sat down and talked about this on multiple occasions, and it just, it just seems that we always go slowly back into the same thing, um, but...

• 23:29Speaker 03

  I have communicated to him that, you know, while I'm understanding and I don't, I'm not angry at him for having this medical condition, you know, I still have needs as well. And that, you know, always kind of turns into him taking that extremely defensively, which is understanding and him being like, well, I feel like you are saying that I wanted this issue.

• 23:52Dr. John Delony?

  What has he done? What has he done to try to solve the issue?

• 23:57Speaker 03

  He has gone to a doctor in a male's clinic. We, that's where we got his testosterone checked and he's fine there. But with that, that's where we found out as well, the kind of, the type of ED he has.

• 24:12Dr. John Delony?

  So has he tried Cialis or has he tried any of those, the medications? Just the, the easy ones?

• 24:20Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, he's tried medication through like Hims and stuff. We've tried Viagra and things still aren't really working to where it's slightly building up again in a form of also slight frustration and resentment somewhat because during our, obviously our intimate times, you know, he's able, because I have to give so much attention to him, he's able to be fully satisfied in ways where I'm not because I have to be understanding of his situation. And so I feel slight, you know, buildup overall due to the fact that we're not able to physically

• 25:04Speaker 03

  have it very often, but also in the times that we do, I in a lot of ways feel unsatisfied because I'm not able to be taken care of due to that.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  Can I, can I throw another option out there?

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 25:19Dr. John Delony?

  I think there's another option.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  I've brought up sex therapy and he's open to it.

• 25:30Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, I think there's another option here beneath it.

• 25:35Dr. John Delony?

  Because if he was struggling with ED, which is a increasingly common phenomenon for a million different reasons.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:45Dr. John Delony?

  And A, he looked at you and was like, "I don't, come hell or high water, I'm going to every doctor in the country to solve this problem because I want to be with you." And on the nights when his body just wasn't working as he wanted it to, he was singularly focused on making sure there's not going to be an orgasm gap in my house, which is the literature name for it that's happening all across the country. The orgasm gap is well-known, right?

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:17Dr. John Delony?

  And it was completely focused on, "All right, it's not working for me tonight, but you're about to have the night of your life and we're going to go again tomorrow." Right? If that was happening, my guess is you wouldn't be, you would be on the same team. It wouldn't be this me versus him. And so what you're suggesting, here's what I'm putting on the table.

• 26:44Dr. John Delony?

  I think that you're saying, "I really want to be with you." And he's saying, "Nah, I don't really want to be with you." That's the way it feels.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 26:54Dr. John Delony?

  And he's, and by the way-

• 26:55Speaker 03

  I do feel that way.

• 26:56Dr. John Delony?

  I've talked to countless men. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. It's something that men think about all day because it's just not, you know, there's no feeling, it's not working. I totally get that. And I have to be an adult, husbands have to be grown-ups and say, "Okay, I'm not going to let my shame completely rob and starve my partner."

• 27:23Speaker 03

  That's exactly how I feel.

• 27:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so let's deal with that actual issue because when you keep making it something mechanical,

• 27:33Dr. John Delony?

  you're, you're, y'all are avoiding the big issue.

• 27:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:38Dr. John Delony?

  Because when you bring it up, he feels ashamed and his way of feeling, of responding to his shame is, he comes after you and y'all get in this dance. And then you keep dancing, you keep dancing and then somebody at work says, "My God, you're beautiful." And then you go do something completely stupid.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  And that's exactly what has happened.

• 27:55Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 27:55Speaker 03

  On so many different occasions and it's frustrating.

• 27:59Dr. John Delony?

  It is. It's frustrating. But do you see how you've created this world where it's, everything is happening to you? And he's created a world where he's a victim in his own body, so he quits.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  That's, yeah, because I just literally last week, we had a conversation where I said that he needs to go to therapy, otherwise I'm going to heavily think about separation. And he flat out asked me, "Well, is this an ultimatum?" And I'm like, "In a way, yeah. Obviously, I don't, I don't want it because I do love him. I mean, we've been together since I was 19, 20. And so we've, we've been together for our whole entire, pretty much young adult lives. And, you know, I want it to end with him as well, but I just feel like, I just am always the one having to,

• 28:53Speaker 03

  you know, meet in the middle and the one having to compromise all the time. And I don't feel that being reciprocated, which is just frustrating and...

• 29:04Dr. John Delony?

  It's not frustrating. It is heartbreaking.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  Counseling 101 is not to put words in your client's mouth, but I, and so I'm doing that here and I'm sorry. But I think you, I think you keep minimizing it. And your body is screaming at you.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you're like, well, this is just really frustrating. And then you tell yourself a dishonest story, which is it just builds up and I can't help myself. That's not true. You can't.

• 29:31Speaker 03

  And yeah, and it's like, I have been able to really do, like, have no issues, but it's just, I just get so frustrated when I communicate with him and I again, don't, don't see a change. Like, there's days where when he's off, like, I'll be like, hey, I'm, I'm in the mood and I'll try to instigate it and he's just like, well, I'm not feeling it today and I want a drink or something. And I'm like, oh, okay, that's fine. And I'll just walk off, like.

• 29:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but you realize that's not about sex. It's not about sex. Let's take sex off the table for a second, okay?

• 30:05Speaker 03

  It's just, I'm craving the intimacy.

• 30:07Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but, but I almost guarantee you that's in other places in your marriage.

• 30:13Dr. John Delony?

  Does this happen with money?

• 30:16Speaker 03

  We do somewhat disagree on.

• 30:19Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 30:19Speaker 03

  Either, well, not, not as heavily as it used to be pertaining to finances. I mean, I can acknowledge, um, we are what some would consider slightly comfortable. Like, I'm, I'm middle class, but you know, I, I don't have to stress over a lot of, of bills. And so I feel like we're.

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  But hold on, there you go minimizing it again.

• 30:44Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Y'all aren't on the same page with how you, how you obtain, save and spend money. And what that means is you're not in alignment on what do you want this year to look like? And that means you're not in alignment on, in five years, where do we want to live? And that means you're not in alignment on, in 15 years, where do we want our kids to go to college?

• 31:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And that plays out minute by minute. What, what about, um, holiday plans? How do y'all decide where you're going to travel?

• 31:13Speaker 03

  No, because he doesn't want to think about it.

• 31:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:16Speaker 03

  He just, he's.

• 31:17Dr. John Delony?

  Let, that's the issue.

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 31:22Speaker 03

  He doesn't want to make any decisions or deal with it, and that's another...

• 31:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so do you hear this recurring theme? You're married to somebody who has opted out of his own life. Sex is a part of it, and sex is the part for most people, when they feel dead in their own skin, pornography makes them feel alive. That guy at work that's like, "My god, you're beautiful," makes you feel alive.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 31:51Speaker 03

  I feel wanted.

• 31:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, but that's a piece of it. I think "wanted" is the story you tell yourself. And I may be out to lunch.

• 31:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  I think beneath that is, you are trying to co-create a life with somebody that looked at you and said, "I am out." Or to put it another way, he left you a long time ago. He just still lives in the same house. "I don't want to talk to you about our future. I don't want to talk to you about your needs. I don't want to talk to you about what you want. I don't want to talk to you about how we spend money. I don't want to talk to you about how we go on vacation. I want to just opt out. The direct deposit's happening. You should be happy. I'm going back to my beer and my video games."

• 32:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, because...

• 32:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, he disassociates on his phone, and he does help with the kids. And I mean, we do have opportunities of having discussions and whatnot, but what does tend to happen is, every now and then, I'll bring something up, and he'll be like, "Well, I thought we were already over this." And I'm like, "Well, obviously not. We're not." I just bring something up to you, and I give you the opportunity as a man to step up and follow through. I don't want to be sitting here reminding you, because then it's going to feel like I'm nagging you.

• 33:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 33:10Speaker 03

  So I'm going to wait a few months, see if you're actually putting forth the effort. And if you're not, then I'm going to bring it up again.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but that is the definition of nagging.

• 33:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's not... Here's the difference between taking him on. "I'm not leaving this room until you engage with me.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  If I'm not more important than your beer, and I'm not more important than your phone,

• 33:35Dr. John Delony?

  and I'm not more important than you have a little checklist, I played with the kids, I put two of them to bed, I changed a diaper, leave me alone. If I'm not more important to you than that..."

• 33:48Dr. John Delony?

  Then I want you to be a grown man and tell me you've left this marriage.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  On the other side, Meghan, you can't cheat.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  I know.

• 34:01Dr. John Delony?

  Because you've become somebody that you don't respect anymore. And it's hard to request somebody else treat you differently than you know yourself to be inside.

• 34:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 34:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:14Dr. John Delony?

  And you probably have, you probably spend money on the side, or you have conversations on the side, or you vent on the side. It's all about, you're starting to circumvent the life that you had. So he's quit his life, you're starting to go around it.

• 34:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, I can see that.

• 34:31Dr. John Delony?

  And the only path is through it. And so, yes, when it comes back to an ultimatum, I think an ultimatum here is fair. But it's not about sex. And the more you make it about ED, the more you make it about, "I tried Viagra, didn't work, lay off", the more y'all are missing the point. Here's the next path, okay, you ready?

• 34:54Dr. John Delony?

  And I say this all the time, I'm gonna keep saying it. "Hey honey, I've got someone to come watch our four kids. I want you and me to go to breakfast tomorrow, or on Saturday.

• 35:04Dr. John Delony?

  And I need you to be fully with me, no phones. You can bring a piece of paper or something, I need you to be fully with me." "Oh God, what are we talking about?" No, no, no, I just need you to be with me.

• 35:15Dr. John Delony?

  And when you sit down, say, "I've got the very clear message

• 35:21Dr. John Delony?

  that you no longer want to be married to me.

• 35:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I also have the very clear, and you can say from your, like, "I have done these things, and the story I'm telling myself is because I've done these things, you no longer want to be married with me. I need to know now, do you still want to be married? Because if you do, we gotta build something completely new, and that means I need you fully engaged.

• 35:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that means I need you to hear me say I'm sorry that I have blown up my side of this marriage and done things that I never thought I would do."

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  Exhale.

• 36:01Dr. John Delony?

  That means he's gonna have to learn new skills. He's gonna have to have uncomfortable conversations with multiple doctors. He's gonna have to be willing to be awkward with you in the bedroom. And when it's not happening, be like, alright, it's my turn, batter up, right? He's gonna have to go through that shame and awkwardness. And you're gonna have to be willing to go, I'm ready to go. Aw, man, I thought it was gonna be wild intercourse night. It's not, we're gonna go to plan B and C and D, right? And y'all are gonna work together.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But all of that will be predicated on, does he even wanna be married to you? And his behavior, behaviors of language, is, he is out. Have that conversation. I'm happy to talk to him and you call me back anytime and we'll get you back through and put you back on the show. I wanna know how that conversation goes, okay? Go straight into the conversation. Thank you so, so much for the call. You're not broken, there's not something wrong with you.

• 37:00Dr. John Delony?

  You've done dumb things, but there's not something wrong with you.

• 37:04Dr. John Delony?

  Now it's, here we are, what are we gonna do next? We've chosen misery. What if we chose to do something amazing next?

• 37:15Dr. John Delony?

  Coming up, we have a woman who is wondering about the repercussions of her upcoming plastic surgery with her kids. Stay tuned.

• 37:24Dr. John Delony?

  I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm so excited to tell you about my friends at Bond Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, little screens, medium sized screens, and big screens. And all this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared Sauna blanket, my EMF mat, all of it.

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's Red Light Mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I've got the mask and I'm so excited to use it. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com/daloney and use coupon code DALONY to save 15%. That's bondcharge, B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash daloney and use coupon code DALONY to save 15%.

• 38:46Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button if you're watching us on YouTube or the subscribe button if you're listening on podcast. Thank you so, so, so much. All right, let's go out to Rio Rancho, New Mexico. I love Rio Rancho, New Mexico. And talk to Celine Dion. What's up, Celine?

• 39:05Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for kicking my call.

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. What's up?

• 39:10Speaker 03

  Okay, so from watching your show, I feel like I've gotten more insight on how my parenting affects my girls. And it kind of brought forward this question, which is, will me getting plastic surgery, specifically me getting a nose job, negatively affect my two daughters? And if so, what are some things that I can do to kind of come to peace with that part of myself?

• 39:37Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. Celine, this is the first time somebody's asked this question on the show. It's a phenomenal question.

• 39:46Speaker 03

  Thank you. It's like really weighing on me.

• 39:48Dr. John Delony?

  I know it is. I know it is.

• 39:49Speaker 03

  I'm like fighting with two parts of myself.

• 39:51Dr. John Delony?

  No, I totally got you. Like out of one corner of your mouth, you're telling your daughters, "You're beautiful and you're strong and you could do anything and you're always enough no matter what." And then you look in the mirror and you hate what you see, huh?

• 40:02Speaker 03

  Like such a hypocrite, I feel like.

• 40:04Dr. John Delony?

  No, I get it. I get it. It's tough, man. It's tough.

• 40:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:06Dr. John Delony?

  Super tough.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:07Dr. John Delony?

  Um, all right. So go all the way back. How long have you, you, you want to get rhinoplasty? Get a nose job?

• 40:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:15Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you been frustrated? Yeah, go all the way back.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  The day, yeah, that it was brought to my attention, my nose. So I was 10 years old and I was laughing. We were with family, friends, and, um, the boy next to me, he was probably a few years older than me. It was like, oh, my gosh, your nose is so big when you laugh. And I was like, what? Like, I never knew that, like, thought about that. And then I ran and I looked in the mirror and I was like, oh, my gosh, it is. And I feel like that kind of realization kind of like morphed into this fixation and like obsession, like from my sense then. So it's like every time I like, I'm getting ready and I look in the mirror or I'm like in a picture with my beautiful family and like instead of looking at that, I'm just like looking at my nose.

• 40:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 41:00Speaker 03

  If I feel beautiful and all of the ways, I just am looking at my nose. And, you know, as I grew up, I was just like, oh, like in high school and college, like, okay, well, once I get my job and stuff, I'll just have surgery because that's something that you can do now. And I can just save for it. And then, like you said, I started, you know, I had two girls, two heavily humbled me, put me into place and kind of made me really take a hard look at myself. And I just feel like when I'm talking to them about themselves, I feel like, like I said, a hypocrite. And like even sometimes they'll say things like my daughter, my, uh, she's four, she'll be like, oh, my gosh, she looks just like my mommy and be so happy about it. And it makes me so happy. But then I'm like, well, what if one day

• 41:41Speaker 03

  I just come back and change my whole face? Like, what does that tell her? That like something's wrong with her face? Like it's changed the change and she's so happy about like looking like me and stuff, so.

• 41:52Dr. John Delony?

  What does, okay, I'm a, I'm, this is a two-fold question, okay?

• 41:57Speaker 03

  Um. Mm-hmm.

• 41:58Dr. John Delony?

  Like this is ringing true to me in such an amazing way. And in a powerful way. Okay. And I think I've been pretty open to the show about my body image issues for my whole life. And I love that you pointed it back to one interaction with a 10 year old. Because I can pull my issues back to like three or four different conversations with random people that I would not take money advice. I wouldn't take parenting. I don't even know where some of these people are. But their voice, man, they have a seat at my table when it comes to appearances, right? So tell me, um, tell me about what your husband says.

• 42:42Speaker 03

  Okay, so my husband, um, I feel like ever since up until recently, his opinion has been like, I never want to tell you what to do with your body. I want you to feel comfortable and I want you to love how you look. And like, I fell in love with your face, right? Like, I love your face. I'm nervous to look up to a face that's different. And I understand that this is something that you need to do to feel good. But I love your face and I don't want you to change your face. And then, um,

• 43:11Dr. John Delony?

  I'm interested in, well, I'm interested in this. Why does?

• 43:22Dr. John Delony?

  And there's not really a right or wrong answer to this question, but I'm just fascinated by it. When you're sitting in front of, do you have one of those sit down like chairs that you put your makeup on? Or do you stand up in front of your mirror when you're looking at it in the morning?

• 43:35Speaker 03

  I stand.

• 43:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So imagine that 10 year old boy next to you.

• 43:41Dr. John Delony?

  And an incredible husband and the father of your kids next to you.

• 43:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:47Dr. John Delony?

  Why does the 10 year old's voice matter more? Or why is it more honest than your husband's? And your guts?

• 44:06Speaker 03

  I don't know. I feel like that voice has kind of become like my own.

• 44:11Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. That's it.

• 44:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:13Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. The voices that we heard as kids, from our parents, from friends, from knuckleheaded little ten-year-olds. "Oh, my gosh, you're fat. Oh, my gosh, you're so flat-chested. Oh, my gosh, you have zits. Oh, my god." Like, whatever the thing is. Over time, that becomes our voice. Right?

• 44:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:39Dr. John Delony?

  So, I'm gonna ask you a hard question, okay? It's gonna sound cruel, but this is me just kinda calling it out. Be completely honest with me.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 44:51Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have a humongous nose?

• 44:56Speaker 03

  I feel like on a scale of like a small nose to a humongous nose, like ten being humongous, it's probably like a six and a half.

• 45:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  But my thing is, it grows forever, right? Like, your nose, your ears, don't they, like, grow forever?

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  I don't... I wanna say the last thing I... The last thing I read was that was kinda debunked, but I may be wrong, so I don't know. I don't know.

• 45:20Dr. John Delony?

  So, you're telling me it's a little bit bigger than average?

• 45:24Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:26Dr. John Delony?

  How many people since that ten-year-old? Or have you ever been, like, in college when you were leaning to kiss a guy, did you, like, just jab him in the eye?

• 45:35Speaker 03

  No. No. I've not gotten to that point.

• 45:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, have you ever, like, been walking out a door and you turn to say something to somebody and your nose just whams the side of the door?

• 45:47Speaker 03

  No.

• 45:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, you're telling me, like, objectively, I am one and a half points on our imaginary scale bigger than average?

• 45:58Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  And my husband says, "My god, I saw your face and I want to spend the rest of my life with that face."

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, he does.

• 46:08Dr. John Delony?

  And, let's be honest, sometimes those voices don't matter. There's a voice inside of you.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:19Dr. John Delony?

  That says, "I'm not beautiful."

• 46:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:27Dr. John Delony?

  So, give me, not, not two days after, because you've probably seen those after surgery photos, like, it looks like you've gotten a car wreck, right?

• 46:35Speaker 03

  I know, yeah.

• 46:37Dr. John Delony?

  So, wake up two months post-surgery, and you look in the mirror.

• 46:45Dr. John Delony?

  Not, "What are you gonna see?" Because they're gonna get it from a six down to a three, maybe a four.

• 46:53Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, what are you gonna feel?

• 47:07Speaker 03

  I mean, I feel like I would probably feel the same.

• 47:18Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 47:20Speaker 03

  I'm 28.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, do you think this surgery will unwind 18 years of feeling less than, or not feeling beautiful enough?

• 47:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't think it will.

• 47:35Dr. John Delony?

  What would?

• 47:45Speaker 03

  Like, talking to myself, how I talk to my daughter.

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. Did your mom talk to you like that?

• 47:55Speaker 03

  You know, my mom...

• 47:58Dr. John Delony?

  Don't defend her.

• 47:59Speaker 03

  Does now.

• 47:59Dr. John Delony?

  Don't defend her, don't protect her.

• 48:00Speaker 03

  I know, now. Now, yes.

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  I don't care now, you're all grown up now. I'm talking about nine-year-old you. Seven-year-old you.

• 48:09Speaker 03

  Not, I mean, my dad has some addiction issues, and so, I feel like my mom was, a lot of the time, just like, in survival mode.

• 48:18Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on.

• 48:19Speaker 03

  You know?

• 48:20Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on. They don't need to be defended by a seven-year-old.

• 48:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Your dad's struggles with addictions were not because he had an amazing, beautiful little daughter. And your mom trying to survive was not on you.

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:38Dr. John Delony?

  But my guess is, somewhere along the way, you got the message internally that something in your home was wrong, and it was because something was wrong inside of you.

• 48:57Dr. John Delony?

  Did you and your dad ever come back together?

• 49:01Speaker 03

  Um, yeah, we tried. He's back in rehab now, which is good, but you know, it's just-

• 49:07Dr. John Delony?

  So, no?

• 49:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:09Dr. John Delony?

  So, no? Okay.

• 49:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:13Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what I want to get to. If you want to get, um, rhinoplasty, um, people get, like, people get braces, people get breast augmentation. I mean, we're in a world where you can kind of do whatever you want, right?

• 49:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:30Dr. John Delony?

  You can go to the doctor and just change everything about you. Okay? I'm not gonna sit here and judge that. I'm not. I'll even say this. I got my teeth whitened. So, I'm in the same boat.

• 49:42Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? It haunted me since I was a little kid.

• 49:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm wearing a shirt that's a little bit too big because I'm at a weight right now that's about 10, 10 pounds higher than I've walked around with most of my adult life.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  Mm.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? So, I'm, I'm playing cover-up too. Okay? So, there's no possible way I could sit here with any sort of, um, integrity and be like, "No, you're beautiful on the inside. You should never..." I'm not gonna say that, right? You gotta be able to look yourself in the mirror and, and feel good.

• 50:19Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Uh, and I want, I want you to be able to breathe, right?

• 50:26Dr. John Delony?

  And on the other side of it, all the data you're giving me is some kids, when they're in a house where their stroke, where a parent struggles with addiction, when they're struggling with, um, a parent that they've got to prop up emotionally, they go to Smarts.

• 50:45Dr. John Delony?

  I want everyone to think I'm smart. Some people go to beauty. I always want to be beautiful. Some people go to desire. I'll sleep with 40 people because I want you, I need you to tell me that I'm beautiful, even if it's for an hour. Some people go to just covering up the whole thing with substances. Some people say, I'm gonna go do it with achievement and money. But for whatever reason, you pegged, you pegged beauty. And some 10-year-old gave you a ticket that said, there it is. And I don't know how, I don't know how this works, you know, with the, all the brain chemicals, but somehow your body connected. I'm guessing, again, I'm guessing.

• 51:27Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:28Dr. John Delony?

  Something's wrong with me. Because if something wasn't wrong with me, my dad would hug me. If something wasn't wrong with me, my mom would stop and just hold my face and tell me, my God, you're beautiful. And then this 10-year-old idiot says, God, you got a big nose. And you're like, oh, that's it. Right? And it just gets, it just gets stamped in a GPS pin right in the middle of your chest, and it just goes off forever.

• 51:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:57Dr. John Delony?

  Does it matter that your dingbat husband can't keep his hands off you? Does it matter that your daughter thinks she's the most beautiful kid that ever lived because she looks just like her mom?

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:07Dr. John Delony?

  The data doesn't matter, it's just the emotions. I can't, also, I can't honestly tell you that I have seen any data on childhood, um, the childhood psychological impact of an adult, of adult parent, um, plastic surgery. I'm gonna go look that up because it's a fascinating question.

• 52:29Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 52:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I think it's fascinating. But anecdotally, I think you're, my gut tells me you're right.

• 52:39Dr. John Delony?

  That it would be very strange for a daughter who keeps saying, "Look how much I look like my mommy." And everywhere they go, she's like, "Oh, my gosh, you look just like your mommy. You're just as beautiful as your mom is." And then mom says, "Yeah, there's something wrong with me." I can't imagine that a child would internalize that. I don't want to put that on you, I know it's heavy, but I can't imagine that there wouldn't be some sort of algorithm cranking off in your four-year-old's mind to be like, "Oh, got it. Okay, so when I'm older, I'm gonna do this too." I'm gonna tell you, I don't want to tell you what to do. I don't want you to get up the phone and be like, "If I ever do this, this has been my dream since I was a little girl. If I do this, or something wrong with..." There's not. I think you're gonna have some hard conversations with your daughters as they grow up about what beauty is and all that kind of stuff. But also, we live in a wild age, right?

• 53:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:24Dr. John Delony?

  I'm pretty sure in a few years, you'll be able to gene-edit. Like, everyone's just gonna come out looking like a supermodel, right? Because you'll be able to just AI it. I don't know if that's true or not, but you will have to have some hard conversations, and I trust that you can have those. I trust you're a great mom, and I trust your husband loves you like crazy, and y'all can figure that out. I'm more concerned with you understanding that beauty will always come from the inside out.

• 53:52Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm so, so sorry your dad didn't tell you on a day-to-day basis how beautiful you are.

• 54:00Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm so sorry that your mom didn't tell you how beautiful you were.

• 54:07Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:09Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm so grateful that your mom that makes sure her daughters know how beautiful they are every day. Does your husband tell them that they're beautiful?

• 54:17Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh, yes.

• 54:18Dr. John Delony?

  Good.

• 54:19Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 54:19Dr. John Delony?

  Good.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  Every day. Every day.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:23Dr. John Delony?

  And their eyes are gonna roll out the back. Dude, I think my daughter's gonna lose her eyes out the back of her head. She rolls them back so far. But she's gonna hear from her dad every day.

• 54:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So, I think I jumbled everything up and didn't give you a clear answer.

• 54:39Dr. John Delony?

  But the objective data you gave me is,

• 54:44Dr. John Delony?

  you're an amazing, beautiful person.

• 54:47Dr. John Delony?

  And you're an amazing, loved, beautiful woman.

• 54:52Dr. John Delony?

  And there's a story on Loop that somehow says, "If this was just different, then everything from the past would be okay. And that means everything in the future will be okay." And that story's just not true.

• 55:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:07Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 55:08Speaker 03

  That's fair.

• 55:10Dr. John Delony?

  You're a gangster dude.

• 55:12Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 55:13Dr. John Delony?

  I tell you, thank you so much for the call.

• 55:16Dr. John Delony?

  Man, this is a tricky one. This is a really, really tricky one.

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  Especially as there's just so, so much technology. So, thank you, Celine, for letting me talk it out. For the listeners, thank y'all for letting me just talk this one out in real time as I was experiencing it in real time.

• 55:33Dr. John Delony?

  Man, it's a big one. This is a big one and I love, love, love talking to parents who see themselves through the eyes of their kids and they start to say, wait a minute. I don't think this story I've been telling myself my whole life is true. And what kind of impact am I gonna have in this family tree?

• 55:52Dr. John Delony?

  You're amazing, Celine. Thank you so, so much.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've heard me say it a thousand times and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And yes, therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist and let's be honest, a lot of you should too. And taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time, maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy, maybe it's the cost. And listen, we spend time and money on so many things. Going to the gym, gym memberships, organic groceries, some of you are essential oil people. We wear tracker watches. But listen, when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. We hold back on the expense or on the time.

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health and all these other things in your life. And the good news? BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes and no six-month-long waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Your well-being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.

• 57:19Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Kelly, am I the problem?

• 57:22Speaker 02

  All right, before I read this, I really, really, really, really need some "Am I the Problem?" and "Cool crap that happens."

• 57:28Dr. John Delony?

  All right, cool.

• 57:28Speaker 02

  So send those to johndaloney.com/ask. And in the top of the little box where you type your question, put "Cool crap that happen, am I the problem?" Please send them in.

• 57:38Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  All right, this is from Nicole in Pennsylvania, and she writes, "I am 47, and my mom is in her late 70s and lives in another state. I am always the one who calls her. She seldom ever calls me to see how I'm doing, or to check in on the grandkids. It's always bothered me, but I just deal with it and call her anyways. She's retired, so she has plenty of time. Am I the problem, or should I bring this up to her?"

• 58:02Dr. John Delony?

  Just call your mom. Just call your mom. You can bring it up to her, you can start a whole thing, and it's gonna be like, "Well, then, just call your mom."

• 58:10Speaker 02

  Because I almost guarantee...

• 58:12Dr. John Delony?

  Am I right?

• 58:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I almost guarantee, because her mom's like, "Well, I don't want to bother her."

• 58:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 58:15Speaker 02

  "I know she's busy, you know..."

• 58:18Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "My mother-in-law used to always call me and drive me crazy, and who knows what story your mom's telling." Just call your mom. If she says, "I don't want to talk to you," or she makes it very clear she doesn't want to be around you or your kids, that's a whole other story. Um, let me put it this way. Stop keeping score. Just stop keeping score. Like, don't keep a secret tally mark of, "I've called you nine times, she calls me two, that's not fair." Just call your mom. If you want to talk to your mom, call your mom. And tell her, if you ever want to, "Mom, you call me sometime." With a smile on your face, "Okay, I don't want to bother you." "You're never bothering me, Mom. Never, ever, ever, ever. You call me anytime. Come visit me anytime. You're never bothering me. We love it when you come." "Okay, just want to make sure..." All right, cool. But yes, just call your mom.

• 59:01Dr. John Delony?

  Just call your mom, just call your mom, just call your mom. Sound good, Kelly?

• 59:06Speaker 02

  Perfect.

• 59:08Dr. John Delony?

  Can I ask you a hard question?

• 59:10Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 59:12Dr. John Delony?

  And you can just edit this out if you don't want to answer it.

• 59:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 59:15Dr. John Delony?

  I feel like those who have lost their mom, this becomes a much deeper, just freaking call your mom.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  Exactly. Having lost both parents.

• 59:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 59:25Speaker 02

  And my dad when I was, I was 21.

• 59:26Dr. John Delony?

  Your mom passed away a year ago, right?

• 59:28Speaker 02

  Two, two and a half years ago. Yeah. Call your mom.

• 59:31Dr. John Delony?

  Call your mom.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  Yeah. Cause my mom would have been that way of like, well, I don't want to bother you. I know you're busy with the kids and I think, you know, you'll give me a call when you have time. That would have been, that a hundred percent would have been my mom. Call her.

• 59:42Dr. John Delony?

  Call your mom.

• 59:43Speaker 02

  She, I guarantee you, she wants to hear from you. I'm getting close to having a son move out and I can already see where I'll be like, well, he's probably busy, but it will brighten her day when she hears from you. Call your mom.

• 59:56Dr. John Delony?

  Just call your mom. That should be the name of the show. The Dr. John Deloney Show, colon, just call your mom. Just call your mom. Love you guys. Stay in school, don't do drugs, be kind to one another. Bye.