I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession

On today's episode, we hear about: A wife blindsided by her husband's recent confession A husband unsure how to help his wife with the household chores A woman struggling to communicate her needs with her boyfriend Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I move forward after discovering my husband's porn addiction and debt that he was hiding from me related to that?

• 0:14Dr. John Delony?

  He stole money, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. How much did he spend on OnlyFans?

• 0:21Speaker 00

  Five grand.

• 0:22Dr. John Delony?

  God almighty. What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that you are with us, man. For real. People all over the globe deciding, man, I'm tired of hurting all the time. I'm tired of going home to an electric house and I'm tired of just not feeling whole. And that's what this show's about, man. Hurting people going through real challenges with their relationships, their mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit with you and see if I can look off into the distance and see a light that you can head towards, man.

• 1:05Dr. John Delony?

  If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K-D-E-L-O-N-Y.com/ask and fill out the form and we'll holla back girl at you, even though we ain't no holla back girl. Let's go out to Corpus Christi, Texas and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?

• 1:24Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 1:28Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, lady? How we doing?

• 1:30Speaker 00

  Oh, got a lot going on.

• 1:33Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, well, let it rip, man. What's going on?

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Okay, so first off, I just want to say like I'm really nervous, but I love your show and I've actually just finished your book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I just want to say thank you. Like that really put some things into perspective for me.

• 1:49Dr. John Delony?

  I really appreciate that. Hey. Uh.

• 1:55Dr. John Delony?

  Living where you live, you don't happen to be an Astros fan, do you?

• 2:00Speaker 00

  No, I'm not really a sports kind of gal.

• 2:03Dr. John Delony?

  Good.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  To be honest.

• 2:04Dr. John Delony?

  They're looking to be terrible this year, so I just wanted to commiserate with somebody, but good, you don't even care.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 2:09Dr. John Delony?

  That makes you even more well-regulated than I am. That's good.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 2:14Speaker 00

  Okay, so, uh, I'm gonna try to say this as clearly and concisely as possible, kinda there's a lot to get into, so my question is, is how do I move forward after discovering my husband's porn addiction and debt that he was hiding from me related to that? So, um, at the end of January this year, it's about five weeks ago, my husband, uh, confessed to me out of the blue, I had no idea that anything was going on, I had no suspicions, I had no concerns, um, we, I, I will say like, we are, we are people of faith, um, and in the last year, we've been getting more involved in our church, you

• 2:56Speaker 00

  know, like, um, you know, volunteering and just kind of going on a more, a deeper level with that than just, you know, just kind of the shallow base of like, just going to Sunday and then doing whatever we want to the rest of the week. And so like, I thought we had come to a really good place, and then he confessed this, that, um, he felt like, you know, he wasn't going to be able to rid himself of this until he came to me with it. And he confessed that, um, he had been struggling with porn his whole life, and that he actually has about $5,000 of credit card debt that he racked up on OnlyFans.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  And, um, so we, we got into all of that, and, um...

• 3:45Speaker 00

  You know, I know you're always saying, you know, behavior is a language. And twenty-four hour, like, the very next day, immediately, his entire behavior had changed. And I didn't realize how we had gotten so far from where we began, as far as like how we interact with each other, what our, what our daily life looks like. And then I didn't realize until he changed it, that he had been pulling away for a long time, that he wasn't as affectionate as he used to be. Um, and you know, I thought that was partly just, you know, being, you know, we've been together for five years. Um, we're a blended family. We have, uh, one baby together. We have children from other marriages. But, um, our, our, our baby is about a year and a half old.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  And so I just kind of thought it was, you know, just what happens after postpartum, you know, just kind of you grow apart. You don't, you don't talk as much, you're stressed out, whatever. But, um, so anyway, he, he has changed his behavior like one hundred and eighty degrees. Like he's, he's more, immediately the next day, he's more affectionate with me. He's talking to me. He's more open with me. He's like trying to reassure me. He's more involved with the kids rather than just like putting his earbuds in and doing chores or whatever he's doing. He's like more involved with them as well. He's, you know, not getting irritated with like the baby throwing fits like he was before. And just really, really night and day.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  And then two weeks after his initial confession, which mind you, I had asked him, do you have any, like, did you have an affair? No. Um, is there anything else I need to know? No. Two weeks afterwards, I just kind of like had this like nagging feeling and I kept getting, you know, like the lightning bolt things in my mind and I continued to get those. And, and I've had two other serious adult relationships before him. And, you know, both of those cheated on me. Both of those had porn addictions as well. And so I just kind of have been through this before, I guess you'd say. And so I decided to go through his phone history.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  And, uh, there was, um, a couple of numbers that he would text every once in a while, like a few times a month. And I could see, I don't know, I couldn't read the text, but I know that they were exchanging pictures. And so I confronted him about that and he admitted that those were people that he does know, uh, girls that he does know, that he would basically. Solicit for pictures and you know, they would talk whatever. Um, he says he never met up with them. Um, he says he never engaged in anything physical, that it was just to him, it was just another mode of getting more content or something. Um, I don't, I don't really know.

• 6:34Speaker 00

  So that, that kind of, that, I think that part hurt more because like I tried to explain to him, like, do you understand how dangerous that is? Like, it's one thing having a porn addiction to me, like it's, it is bad and I know that. But like, I know he's not going to be with those people, but for him to text people that are actually local to us, that's a problem because it could go, it could venture into the, hey, let's meet up, hey, you know, like, let's do this, you know, whatever. And, um, I will say that the texts and stuff that I did find, everything was from before the first confession, like there hasn't been anything since.

• 7:13Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make you feel better?

• 7:16Speaker 00

  It, it does make me feel better that I feel like he's doing everything he can to show me that he's different, like he, he says that he feels like he has killed this sin from himself, like that he has, you know, he laid it down to die.

• 7:36Dr. John Delony?

  So just so you know, that's nonsense. That's not how that works. You don't, you don't take a lifetime of challenge and dump it on your wife. Only tell part of the truth and leave out the worst parts and then be like, cool, cool, cool, I'm, I'm all good. That's not how, that's not how, that's not how addiction works. That's not how betrayal works. That's not how, um, a liar operates.

• 8:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:08Dr. John Delony?

  I think you are wrestling with the fact that good God almighty, this happened again.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:16Dr. John Delony?

  And the first thing, the first thing you told me was you had no idea. And one of the most common things I hear from folks when they're just stumbling back from any number, any number of levels of betrayal, right? Is.

• 8:34Dr. John Delony?

  You thought your radar was better than this.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Yes, yeah.

• 8:38Dr. John Delony?

  You don't, you don't, you don't trust you anymore.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  Right.

• 8:42Dr. John Delony?

  And so now you're taking shards, like little scraps of, of, of paper. And trying to like, like duct tape it all together, trying to Scotch tape it back together. Cause that's your original marriage contract. Like, no, no, no, we're good now. We're good. It's been three weeks. We're good. Cause I don't think you can, I, I don't know if you've got, got it in your chest to go through this a third time.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  I mean, I'm for sure sick of it. It's, I thought that was one of the things I was just like, again, cause like he knew my history.

• 9:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  And he knew, he, like, he knew everything. Like, we've been more open with each other than.

• 9:25Dr. John Delony?

  No, you haven't.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  I mean.

• 9:27Dr. John Delony?

  No, you haven't.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  Well.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  You were open.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. And he, he was hiding that all along. And so we, we have been talking on a, on a deeper level and.

• 9:37Dr. John Delony?

  You have a talk all day. He stole from your family account.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:42Dr. John Delony?

  How, how much? How much did he spend on OnlyFans?

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Five grand.

• 9:47Dr. John Delony?

  God almighty.

• 9:48Speaker 00

  Well, more, it's been more than that over the years. That's what is in collections now because he could no longer keep up with the minimum payments.

• 9:58Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh, dude.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Without me, you know, asking like, why are you paying so much on this card?

• 10:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, sweet Ashley, I don't think you're, I don't think you're fully metabolizing this.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  I mean, probably not. Um.

• 10:16Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you've also been through the aftermath before. You've been through divorce before. You've been through.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:21Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, you've been through the ash and I know you don't want to go back there. I'm not suggesting you have to go back there, but you have to treat this as serious as that.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  There is zero percent chance that he quote unquote, just laid it down. Nonsense. Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense.

• 10:41Dr. John Delony?

  If he got rid of his cellphone and he turned wifi off in the house, maybe.

• 10:47Dr. John Delony?

  But how in the world, how can you go from, he stole money, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars from the family, the family pot? Money for your new baby, money for y'alls kids, money for rent, money for clothes, money for food. He blew your credit up.

• 11:10Dr. John Delony?

  Cause he just let it go to collections, cause his pride was too, was greater than um, his, his caring about you guys.

• 11:20Dr. John Delony?

  He starts soliciting nude pictures from friends, from people he knows. How in the world do you, like what makes you think like, okay, yeah, but he's telling the truth about not meeting up with anybody?

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Well, that's something I've asked over and over and over again.

• 11:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but he's not gonna tell you that?

• 11:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:43Dr. John Delony?

  Cause he didn't tell you when he was stealing money from the house and he didn't start, he didn't tell you when he was, let everything go to collections. He didn't tell you when he was hitting up friends for topless photos. He didn't let you know about that stuff, so why would he tell you the truth now?

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:02Dr. John Delony?

  And of course, listen, of course he feels good. He just lanced a huge boil.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  Like secrets will kill you and shame will just, will, will, will crush a man. No question about that.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:17Dr. John Delony?

  But, uh, like he, he took it and he gave it to you. Yeah, he, he had these two cinder blocks he's been carrying around and then he hands them to you. He handed you one of them and you were like, I think there's another one and you were right.

• 12:33Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe there's another one, maybe there's not, but you know?

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  Who knows?

• 12:44Speaker 00

  So what do I do moving forward? Because like, I mean, it happened. I'm, I don't, I'm not just going to throw away the marriage. You know, like he is.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  I don't know. To me, he, he seems genuinely repentant for, for what he's done.

• 13:05Dr. John Delony?

  So I think, I think you have to reframe how you're, how you're thinking about it. He threw away your marriage, period.

• 13:16Dr. John Delony?

  Do you want to build a new one with him? And if so, what must be true in the new foundation of this house you're going to rebuild? Please hear me say, what y'all had is over. Financially, sexually, emotionally, trustworthy? That is over.

• 13:42Dr. John Delony?

  Do y'all want to build something new? And if you want to build something new with him, dude, I'm all in. I'm not, no one's, no one's going to beat you up on that. But you're going to want things to quote unquote, get back to the way they were. And they won't be because he did what the other two guys have done.

• 13:58Dr. John Delony?

  He's one of them now.

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  And until you fully exhale on that and then say, okay, here's what must be true for me to rebuild.

• 14:12Dr. John Delony?

  And you get to decide, you get to say out loud, here's what must be true about this new foundation that we're going to build. And husband, you're going to do a lot of the heavy lifting here.

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  And if he goes, are you serious? I already told you, then he's not ready.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:29Dr. John Delony?

  If he says, anything, anytime, anywhere, here's my phone, here's all the contacts deleted out, here's an app that any text I send, you get.

• 14:41Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have a laptop anymore. I've gone to a flip phone. I'm going to SA meetings.

• 14:52Dr. John Delony?

  Now we can build something new because you're not gonna be able, you're not gonna be able to put two feet, like concretely on the ground. Actually, you're always gonna have one foot in and one foot out. And you have to because you've been down this road before, and your body has a GPS pin in the middle of your chest. You know what kinda hell you've been through with breaking up serious relationships.

• 15:18Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I do. I just...

• 15:23Dr. John Delony?

  You don't have to do any of this. You can just go on and just be like, yup, he's cured.

• 15:31Speaker 00

  Well, I don't, I don't wanna be so naive as to say, he's just cured.

• 15:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then what must be true? You tell me.

• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

  What would make you feel like I can actually trust him again, without doing what you've always done, which is bury your own emotions and bury your own fears?

• 15:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:52Dr. John Delony?

  He drops this huge, this big thing on ya?

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  And you immediately went, okay, okay.

• 16:01Dr. John Delony?

  I don't fully believe him, but I'm gonna be quiet for one week, two weeks, three weeks. Finally, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go through his phone. God almighty, I was right.

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  And then you immediately go back to, okay, alright, now we're back. Now we're good.

• 16:16Dr. John Delony?

  Here's your path forward. Your path forward is you actually, maybe for the first time in your life, asking yourself, what do I want in my house?

• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

  What will make me feel safe and trusted?

• 16:39Dr. John Delony?

  Or what will bring trust into my home again with this guy?

• 16:45Dr. John Delony?

  And him singing kumbaya over a weekend and dumping all the stuff on you is not the path. Maybe that's a start, maybe that's a step in the right direction.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:57Dr. John Delony?

  But I think you have to fully exhale. And you're so used to being starved for love that he starts being nice the day after because he feels 25 pounds lighter.

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  And you're so happy. Right?

• 17:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:18Dr. John Delony?

  And so here's what this looks like. Um, we're going to pull a credit report. I want to know exactly how much money you owe and to who and to where you've spent it. I want credit card reports of all the credit cards you have. Once I see what credit cards are open on this credit report, because I don't trust you. We're going to go through each one of those and I want to go through the, I want to go through what you've spent the last five, six years. You're going to get a side job and you're going to pay this $5,000 off and you got five months to do it. You got six months to do it. No video games, no sporting events. I'm going to be a single mom for a bit, but you're going to go earn money and get this thing paid off. You're not just going to go to collections. We're not just going to say that is the way that is.

• 18:00Dr. John Delony?

  You're going to go get a flip phone because I don't trust you to not send photos anymore. Not for a while. We're going to cut the wifi off at eight o'clock or what? Like you get to decide what happens, but this is you being serious about, we're going to go see a marriage counselor because I got to rebuild trust because you blew up our marriage. You're going to go to SA meetings. You say you have a lifelong sex addiction. You're going to start going to SA meetings. You're going to go to them a lot. Because I'm not going to, I'm not going to walk out on you. I'm going to stay here with you, but there's a lot of work to do to build the foundation of a house that I deserve to live in. And you actually deserve to live in a house where there's trust and where there's peace

• 18:43Dr. John Delony?

  and where there's laughter and where there's joy. There's not your husband over there on the couch having some of his friends send him topless photos. You deserve that life.

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

  Today's day one.

• 18:57Dr. John Delony?

  Today's day one. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 19:02Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:43Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:38Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:20Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:01Dr. John Delony?

  tell the overlords that you love this show and don't hesitate to pass it on to somebody. And tonight, I'm going to be in Louisville with my friend, Dave Ramsey. And let's see here, Durham on April 23rd, Atlanta on April 25th, Phoenix on May 5th. Dude, I just got back from Phoenix and it was wheels off, man. Thousands and thousands of people showed up for another event I did and I can't wait to go back on May 5th. Fort Worth, Texas on May 7th and Kansas City on May 9th. Come join me and my buddy, Dave Ramsey for the Money and Relationships Tour. It's going to be wheels off. Yeah, I can't wait. I cannot wait. All right, let's go to Waco, Texas. I almost made a David Koresh joke, but I'm not going to and talk to James. What's up, James?

• 22:45Speaker 02

  I appreciate you not making the joke.

• 22:48Dr. John Delony?

  It's hard, man. It's hard. It's David Koresh and then Chip and Joanna. So they're slowly redeeming Waco. Good for them. What's up, dude?

• 23:02Speaker 02

  I'm so used to hearing your voice on the show, I'm gonna have to remind myself to actually respond to you when you say something.

• 23:07Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you're all good, you're good, man. Hey, one time, one time I had one of my heroes on this show, and it was virtual, it was a virtual, and I realized halfway through, I was like, dude, this guy's like falling asleep, he hates me. And then I realized I always listen to his podcast like at 1.5 or 1.75, and I realized, oh, this is his regular voice, I had never heard it before, it's pretty embarrassing. So, it's all good, man, now we're getting to talk for real, so what's up?

• 23:35Speaker 02

  Well, I'll go ahead and start off by saying that I love my wife, and she's usually a very kind, loving person, and to use your phrasing, and, she is also a very critical person by nature.

• 23:50Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 23:51Speaker 02

  And the way she critiques me sometimes, it makes me feel like they're personal attacks, which oftentimes makes me start questioning my own value and worth.

• 24:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  So, specifically, about a month ago, she went off on me for not immediately doing the dishes after putting our kids down for the night. As I started doing them, she reminded me that she shouldn't have to keep reminding me to do them, and later that night, she got upset with me for throwing some dirty clothes into the washer when it, when it already had clean clothes in it, I didn't realize that. I asked her for some understanding that I was just trying to do the right thing, but she told me I was only half-assing chores.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  I apologized for not seeming to be able to do the chores right, but she got even more upset with me, saying she's tired of me not valuing myself. So, my question is, how do I work to value myself more despite her constant critiquing?

• 25:00Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, you don't, you don't have a partner, man, you've got a mother.

• 25:05Speaker 02

  Trying not to.

• 25:09Dr. John Delony?

  No, like, you don't have a romantic ride or die partner, you have a, like, an overbearing mother.

• 25:20Dr. John Delony?

  Like you play a role in her life. It's a, it's a super common thing, man, where wives just beat their husbands down, down, down, down, and then they blame you for getting down.

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  How long has this been going on, man?

• 25:36Speaker 02

  Um, about, about as long as, uh, we've been married, about eight years.

• 25:43Dr. John Delony?

  Golly dude, are you exhausted?

• 25:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:48Dr. John Delony?

  Now, like, I wanna, I wanna be fair to, to, to both sides. I don't wanna just, just badmouth your wife. Um, are you pretty absent minded? Has she asked for help for eight years and you just fumble around and don't help? And, I mean, is this a constant thing here?

• 26:06Speaker 02

  It's definitely a two-way road. Um, I, yes, I, I can be absent minded. Uh, you know, when I, when I get home at the end of the day, I've got a pretty demanding job. And so oftentimes I'll get home and my mind is just somewhere else. And, uh, yeah, sometimes she, she does have to kinda bring me back or, uh, as you've mentioned on the show before, uh, sometimes I just, I don't see the things that she sees.

• 26:33Dr. John Delony?

  Why doesn't she like you? Cause this is, this is, she doesn't wanna be your friend.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  See, I don't, I don't think that's the case. Uh, I mean, we, most of the time have a really good relationship where we are friends. Uh, it's just, it's kind of these cycles that just spin up every once in a while. And they're definitely, they definitely come up more when we're in a stressful time in life.

• 27:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but why have you become her punching bag?

• 27:09Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of coming to you for restoration and y'all coming to each other for mutual, it's you and, it's you and me versus the world. When things get stressful, she needs somebody to hit and she's chosen you.

• 27:25Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I say, like, man, like, like, y'all can be friends all day long, as long as you're singing and dancing and performing the right way, right?

• 27:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 27:37Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, it's, it's easy to be friends when things are good.

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's when my friend Todd walked up behind me when I was about to, when I was in the middle of about to

• 27:52Dr. John Delony?

  get my head knocked off.

• 27:55Dr. John Delony?

  That's when things got dicey and that's when one of my closest friends showed up.

• 28:00Dr. John Delony?

  Or outside of a, of a

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  bar one time, my buddy John King got in front of me.

• 28:10Dr. John Delony?

  When things were about to get dicey.

• 28:14Dr. John Delony?

  But things not about to, things were super dicey. He got in front of me and he went first.

• 28:22Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you see what I'm saying? Like when friends, when things get dicey, friends lock arms. They don't look at each other.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  So, what do you think I should do?

• 28:33Dr. John Delony?

  How, how have you tried to address this in the past with her?

• 28:36Speaker 02

  I've brought it up and I, I try to take your advice and do it when it's not, uh, you know, when we're not in the middle of it. And, uh, she'll, you know, she, she usually admits to it and says, you know, I'll try to be more understanding and, and usually is for a period of time. And then, uh, after, you know, a few months or so, it'll spin back up again.

• 29:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. The, uh, those meetings are good and I needed, I need to do a better job of, of the, the meetings are important, right? They have to happen. And good on you for doing it not in the middle of a moment, trying to justify yourself when you have a wife who's enraged and decided you're going to be the punching bag for the day. You don't do enough and then when you're doing it, you're not doing it right. And then you try to help a little bit extra and you did that one wrong and there's just no grace or compassion.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  So going back to the meeting, good for you for having it. There, there can't just be a, well, I'll try next time. There has to be some concrete steps.

• 29:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right, and you hear the word "boundaries" thrown around a lot, but if you start talking to me like this, you're asking me to disengage.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:57Dr. John Delony?

  If you start yelling, if you start screaming, if you want me to read your mind and I don't do a good job of reading your mind,

• 30:08Dr. John Delony?

  I have, I, I, it's only right and fair for you to say, "Hey, I'm going to put the kids down. You don't normally do this, but could you grab X, Y, and Z?"

• 30:22Dr. John Delony?

  That's a fair, that's a fair request. If she's requested that a thousand times, and a thousand and one, you just blew her off again, I'm not saying her response is fair at all, but that's not cool on your part.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:36Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm trusting you that like, "No, no, no, I, I, like, I'm trying to be plugged into this house, but I also know that for millions of men, their home is a failure factory. They can't do anything right because their wives use them as a prop in this Instagram-y kind of world they're trying to keep together."

• 30:56Speaker 02

  No, I mean, I, and I, when, when she asks me to do something, I, I, I always do it.

• 31:02Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but what about before that? Do you ever just do stuff because you're a member of the house?

• 31:08Speaker 02

  I try to.

• 31:09Dr. John Delony?

  And you get critiqued, you put the stuff in the wrong place, you don't wash the clothes right, why didn't you use this fabric softener? Is that how it goes?

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:24Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's what's gonna happen, dude. You're real close to resentment, aren't you?

• 31:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:30Dr. John Delony?

  Or you would be nuts if it doesn't get easier and easier to stay another hour at work, to stay another hour at work, to stay another hour at work.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're right.

• 31:42Dr. John Delony?

  And then the next step is, if it hasn't happened already, it gets easier for that one woman at work who thinks you're hilarious,

• 31:50Dr. John Delony?

  for you to start thinking up a little bit funnier jokes to say.

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  Then you'll hang out a little bit longer when the office goes to get lunch. It's just how these things happen. And if you want to preserve your marriage, you, at some point, you have to say, "You cannot talk to me like this."

• 32:09Dr. John Delony?

  And this isn't sexy, but I can't read your mind. And so if you have things that you want me to do in a certain way, to the point that you get enraged with me, please, let's be super clear. Let's write them down if that's what we have to do.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  And on the other side of it, good grief, if you put the little spoons where the big spoons are, you've had a 16-hour day and you're exhausted and you're trying to help, and she can have some compassion and exhale, because it's not going to end her world either.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  But my guess is, it doesn't matter what you do, or how you do it, or what you don't do. If she's coming home looking to punch, you're just gonna get it, no matter... Like, there's not a way for you to win, is what it feels like.

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  And, uh, "win" is the wrong word. There's not a way for you to connect in those nights when she wants... When she is seeking disconnection.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 33:12Speaker 02

  That's fair.

• 33:17Dr. John Delony?

  What makes you nervous about standing up?

• 33:19Speaker 02

  You're hearing a lot of silence from me, so I'm just, uh, I'm just kinda thinking through it.

• 33:22Dr. John Delony?

  No, I know, I know, no, no, it's hard. And it's hard to hear another guy talk about your wife like this. I got that. I get it.

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  What is... What are you afraid of?

• 33:35Speaker 02

  I think just that it won't make a difference. It won't end. And it's kinda where my mind goes, is, is this just the life I've chosen forever?

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's a life that y'all are co-creating together.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  How'd I know you were gonna say that?

• 33:53Dr. John Delony?

  Well, here's what's awesome. What's amazing is, y'all have chosen a miserable dance, where you come in kinda aloof and absent-minded, doesn't matter what you do, it's never gonna be enough. And then she has chosen, she doesn't like the life she has, and I don't know why,

• 34:10Dr. John Delony?

  but she doesn't like her... She doesn't like the life that she has.

• 34:15Dr. John Delony?

  And when that bubbles up and bubbles up and bubbles up, it comes out on you.

• 34:21Dr. John Delony?

  And so for some reason, there's an inner anger in her. And it could be she wishes she was back at work. She doesn't like being a mom as much as she thought she did. Um, she doesn't like you as much as she wants to like you. She doesn't, who knows what the thing is? You don't make enough money for her. Y'all don't have enough, like the neighbors got a suburban and y'all just have a, like, I don't know what the thing is, the things are in her life.

• 34:48Dr. John Delony?

  But that's where we gotta get to.

• 34:51Dr. John Delony?

  Cause she has to exhale and be happy that she's in her own home.

• 34:59Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense? Does that ring true?

• 35:03Speaker 02

  Uh, to a degree, yeah.

• 35:06Dr. John Delony?

  What, what makes her happy? What brings her joy?

• 35:13Speaker 02

  I think just, uh, curling up in the corner with a book.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  And that's, that's her favorite thing to do. And I know that with, with the kids, she, she doesn't usually get to do that.

• 35:39Dr. John Delony?

  What's her favorite thing to do with you?

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Uh, probably just like traveling or, uh, you know, going to someplace new and exploring.

• 35:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, the two things you've given me are both methods. They're both awesome. Okay, I love reading a book. My wife loves curling up, reading a book. I like being on the road. My wife likes traveling.

• 36:04Dr. John Delony?

  But both of her two favorite things are escaping the life she has.

• 36:10Speaker 02

  I never thought of it that way.

• 36:13Dr. John Delony?

  Cause curling up and reading a book, one of my favorite things in the world. And I can also use it as a drug.

• 36:24Dr. John Delony?

  And my wife dude, she loves curling up and reading a book. My wife loves traveling and going to new places. But right now, right this minute as we're talking, she's building out the garden for this year. And my son's with her and my daughter's roaming around digging holes or whatever. And this morning, we had breakfast together. That's where our home has peace. And so I think the bigger question for you is to your wife, you're not happy. You don't like this life that we've created. I want to create something with you together.

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  Where escaping in the corner away from the kids, away from me, escaping out somewhere else. I want you to, I want home to be a place where you can exhale. And maybe she grew up in a world where home was never safe. And so the things that are kept her safe as a kid, you know, that you've heard me say that. She has, she has to practice being at peace. Who knows?

• 37:27Speaker 02

  No, that's definitely true.

• 37:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But I think it's, you're, you're going to be forced into this conversation. And I'm afraid you're going to become somebody that you're not. You're going to find yourself in places that are out of character for you.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of too.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So if you've got this idea that you are always, I'm, I, every time I exhale, I've just fast forward 10 years. And everything is the exact same. You don't like me. I can't do anything right in this house. I can't do, I can't not do stuff right. I can't do stuff right. I want to be somebody that you exhale when they come in the door and I'm, I'm at a loss. But deeper than that, your wife doesn't like the life she has. Do you like your life?

• 38:25Speaker 02

  Uh, we're certainly in a season right now with, uh, with young kids and particularly, uh, demanding jobs. So if I'm being honest, like at this moment, no.

• 38:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  But it's not, I, I don't think it's a permanent state.

• 38:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I, I think it's a matter of saying, okay, we're in the, we're in winter. We can just choose to hate each other during winter. But I don't want to choose that. When things are cold, when things are hot, when things are scary, when things are tense. That's why I want us to come together. And that can't be like, okay, I'll try harder. There's gotta be some, you cannot talk to me like this. I'm tired of coming in my house and feeling like a failure factory. And she might say, well, I'm tired of you walking in the house and not participating in the rhythm of this home. Okay. I don't see it. I'm gonna ask you to love me enough to write it down for me. And that's not unsexy, and that doesn't mean I don't love you. That means I'm gonna

• 39:21Dr. John Delony?

  practice seeing things because I just miss them. And I'm sorry. And I'm gonna ask you to practice, stop treating me like I'm a child. Treat me like a partner here. And we've both chosen this awful dance. We can choose something else. And I think for you guys, especially instructive, that's the question that saved my marriage, man. And by the way, I'm speaking because I've been where you are. I have been there, dude. And you find yourself like, oh my gosh, I'm about to cross some, like, step into new territory, man. I don't want to go there. How do you want this house to feel when you walk home every day? When you walk in the front door? How do we want this house to feel?

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because I bet she doesn't want to be screaming and yelling either. I bet that doesn't feel good. So it's time to go back and have another, another meeting, man. Another breakfast. But this is gonna be a, we're clearing the deck on a new marriage. We get to build what's next. No more mind reading. No more, I just didn't see it. We're done with all that. We're gonna start being really honest and really direct. I want you to tell her, I'm just afraid I'm gonna wake up 10 years, and you're still gonna be yelling, you're still not gonna like me, and you're still not gonna like the life you're in. And I want to love you. How do I do that?

• 40:40Dr. John Delony?

  Let's start there. My guess is y'all are gonna need to go see a marriage counselor to reimagine how y'all engage with each other because y'all are setting each other off. And it's just a tough dynamic, but maybe you can have this conversation and begin to practice together. It's gonna take a ton of emotional maturity. That's gonna be hard, but I believe in you. Thanks for the call, my brother. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news.

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow.

• 42:06Dr. John Delony?

  When you sign up right now at hallow.com/deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com/deloney for three months for free. All right, we're back. All right, off air, we were just talking about that last call. Keeler said something important. He said, "Just because somebody has a higher standard of clean doesn't mean they're right." And I love that. Kelly, you were saying something that I thought was pretty insightful.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  So I admittedly am a bit OCD, and I'm a clean freak. I like things exactly where they go all the time. But that's my hangup. That's on me. So my husband, who does not have that hangup in any way, he is closer to you. He likes piles of things. He will make the bed in the morning. And, you know, to me, I'm like... That's all the lines aren't straight, but that's on me. So I'll wait till he leaves in the morning and I may go straighten it up. And I know when he walks in later that afternoon, he rolls his eyes, but I don't expect him to be that way.

• 43:13Dr. John Delony?

  And on the other side of it, I literally like things in piles. I don't know why. I like them in piles. And I also know that makes my wife increasingly more and more and more on edge.

• 43:27Speaker 03

  Yes, Sheila and I are very much the same.

• 43:29Dr. John Delony?

  So the way I can love her is to, when I see the pile starting to get out of control, to stop and clean all the piles off.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, like we have a place because I know that we are so different. This is where things can land and as long as they land there, I don't say anything about it. I'm great. It's because you have to make those arrangements. But if I'm the one that has the problem with it, then, you know, you mentioned putting the spoons in the wrong place. My daughter, when she puts the spoons up, always gets them backwards. First of all, who cares? But if I want to fix it, that's on me. Because she's done what I've asked her to do to her capabilities.

• 44:08Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 44:08Speaker 03

  And to my husband, the bed's made. Great. And I'm thrilled that he made it.

• 44:13Dr. John Delony?

  And he wouldn't have, in any other world, he's not making that bed.

• 44:16Speaker 03

  No.

• 44:16Dr. John Delony?

  He's getting, he's leaving the house being like, I just, I just loved Kelly to the moon and back.

• 44:21Speaker 03

  Exactly. And I'm fine with that. So I don't say anything. I don't, I'm like, great, you made the bed. Thank you. You know, we always have whoever gets out of it last makes it. It's always him. So, well, I get up at five. So, um, he doesn't get up at five. But yeah, that's on me, not him. And, but I will say that took me, that wasn't my natural, um, bend. I, it was a few, it was quite a few years of marriage before I came to that.

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 44:47Speaker 03

  It was like, well, I want it done this way. And then I realized I grew up in a house where that was expected. He didn't. And so we had to come to a mutual agreement and that was worth the peace and the harmony.

• 44:57Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely. And I think that's it. Like what, what's going to get us to connection? What's going to get us to peace? Not what's going to get us to one of us being right. And when you try to go there, ugh, never works. All right, let's go to Quebec, Canada and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up?

• 45:13Speaker 04

  Hi, how are you?

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good. And you?

• 45:16Speaker 04

  I'm, I'm good. I'm freezing cold up here, but that's okay.

• 45:20Dr. John Delony?

  It's a balmy 60 degrees out here today, so.

• 45:24Speaker 04

  Oh, lucky.

• 45:25Dr. John Delony?

  I'll be outside this afternoon, short, and I'll think about you. What's up?

• 45:28Speaker 04

  Oh, well, thanks. Um, okay, so I'm, here's my predicament. I am in a relationship with a guy that is, he's, he's great, and I love him to death, but, um, he has a very different, uh, love language than me. He's really, really physically affectionate. Um, and that's not to say I don't like physical affection, and that's a huge problem. It's just that it's, it's a lot. Like, it's, it's, he's really, really physically affectionate. And I-

• 46:03Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean? Paint me a picture.

• 46:06Speaker 04

  So, I will just be sitting there trying to work, because sometimes I work from home. We both sometimes work from home, and I'll be sitting there trying to work, and he's constantly kind of like grabbing me, hugging me from behind. He keeps kissing me on my cheek, and I'm, I'm not sure if I'm grateful. Like, I feel like I'm sounding ungrateful. But it just, it's not my love language, and it really, it can be so overwhelming sometimes. Like, it's just too much. I'll come home from work, and I'm really happy to see him, but then it's just constantly, he needs to just be holding on to me and showering me with physical affection, and I just, like, I need to just sit down for half an hour and decompress, like, I maybe had a stressful day.

• 46:46Dr. John Delony?

  When you tell him that, what does he say?

• 46:49Speaker 04

  Well, it's either one of two reactions. So, either he kind of gets hurt and huffy and just goes away and leaves me alone, and he's just upset and hurt. Or he will say, "Oh, okay," and then he'll keep doing it, but then, "Oh, yeah, you don't want me to touch you. I forgot." And it-

• 47:16Dr. John Delony?

  God, dude, what a baby. You're, you're dating a toddler. You know that, right?

• 47:21Speaker 04

  I, I don't, I don't, he's just like-

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  He's-

• 47:24Speaker 04

  He's hurting over that.

• 47:26Dr. John Delony?

  He's a toddler.

• 47:27Speaker 04

  And he's normally more mature. Like, he's normally quite-

• 47:29Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but look, you, you know this as well as I do, okay? You've been in relationships. You know what physical affection is, and you know what connection is.

• 47:38Dr. John Delony?

  You also know when somebody's a vampire.

• 47:45Dr. John Delony?

  He is not trying to connect with you. He is trying to use you for his own emotional regulation. And you can feel the difference.

• 47:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I, I do kind of, but I also think he means well, because it's like, you know that-

• 48:00Dr. John Delony?

  Doesn't matter, doesn't matter, it's your body.

• 48:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:04Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't matter. I can mean well all day long. If, if the person I'm trying to touch is saying, "Please don't touch me." That's my problem to deal with, not yours. And by the way, I, I'm not a fan of the love language stuff. Because it frames it, and I don't, I don't, I've never talked to the guy who created them, but I, I don't like how they're used. Because they get used as needs. And they get used as inflexible, "You, I have a need here, and if you don't meet this need, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna be unloved, because you didn't meet my need." And that's nonsense.

• 48:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's, those things, they get weaponized. "Well, my love language is gift-giving, and you came home today and you didn't bring me a gift, so I see that you chose not to love me today." That's insanity, it's nonsense. It's very childish.

• 49:06Dr. John Delony?

  He wants-

• 49:07Speaker 04

  I mean, well, that's just the way I phrase it, it's not how he says it.

• 49:10Dr. John Delony?

  I, I know, he, but, but he wants unfettered access to your body.

• 49:16Dr. John Delony?

  So that he feels better.

• 49:21Dr. John Delony?

  And that's parasitic.

• 49:24Speaker 04

  Well, I mean, how do I differentiate then, like, what is normal, loving? How, how do I, I don't want him to feel hurt, I'm not trying to be a jerk, and I don't want to-

• 49:34Dr. John Delony?

  That's not, that's not your job. That's not your job. He can feel hurt, I mean, good grief, you come home from work and you say, "I want 30 minutes to decompress," and he's like, "Oh, okay, I see, you don't even love me." You can't control that, he's a baby.

• 49:52Dr. John Delony?

  The greatest gift you can give him is to show up whole.

• 49:58Dr. John Delony?

  And if showing up whole is, "Hey, I need 30 minutes of whom." Or when I walk in the door, "Let's have a long 30-second hug, and then I need to go exhale, change my clothes, go for a walk, plop down on the TV, like whatever I need to do for half an hour."

• 50:19Dr. John Delony?

  Do you get what I'm saying? So I want you to stop living your life to try to not make him feel a certain way. You can't control that. You don't have that kind of power.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  I want you

• 50:32Dr. John Delony?

  to ask yourself, "What do I need in this house so that I can exhale and be at peace when I walk in my own house?" Because right now, you're starting to not even like walking in the door.

• 50:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 50:48Speaker 04

  I mean, yeah, it can be a lot, especially after stressful day.

• 50:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 50:56Speaker 04

  But how do I then... So I mean, a loving relationship requires, obviously, some physical affection and love. How do I navigate that in a way that it works for both of us? If we both just have different needs?

• 51:11Dr. John Delony?

  I want to... Yeah, I want to take needs out. He will not die if you'll never touch it again. He would not die. He'd be miserable. He wouldn't like it, but he's not gonna die. He needs oxygen. He needs food. He needs water.

• 51:29Dr. John Delony?

  He needs relationships.

• 51:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so let's get into what do we want? Because that changes the whole narrative. Because then he has to say, "When you walk in the door, I want to have my hands all over you all of the time." And then you get to say, "I don't want your hands all over me all of the time."

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  Because we're talking about wants.

• 51:56Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to be able to say, "I need a little bit of body autonomy

• 52:02Dr. John Delony?

  without you throwing a temper tantrum or acting like a child."

• 52:09Dr. John Delony?

  And I will say this, most men, this is just the way it's, the way we're socialized. Most men do not know how to connect in any other way, other than through physical touch. Because in the, in the real world, being vulnerable, being social, being emotional with other men will get you killed, they'll get you ostracized, they'll get you kicked out of the boardroom. And so, in many ways, guys check in, that's how they know that their marriage, their relationship, their girlfriend's, is, everything's okay, is through physical touch.

• 52:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I, I do kind of get that sense from him, a little bit.

• 52:56Dr. John Delony?

  So are there ways?

• 52:57Speaker 04

  He's maybe a little bit more anxious.

• 52:58Dr. John Delony?

  Are there, yes, there it is. And that makes you anti-anxiety medication for him, and that's not your job, your job is just to be his girlfriend.

• 53:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:07Dr. John Delony?

  And so, what I really want him to do is two things. One, begin to explore, when you're gone, when you're on the other side of the room taking a business call, what are some other things he can do to feel less anxious that don't involve putting his hands all over you? What are some other things? Because that's his job, is to deal with his anxiousness. And the second thing is, what are things that both of you can do to establish our relationship is good and safe? Because what he does is he creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time you walk in, hands all over, hands all over, hands all over, and finally you're like, "Hey, I need a minute."

• 53:51Dr. John Delony?

  "Oh my gosh, she hates me." And then you get annoyed that he's acting like a baby, and then you let him come, "Well, come hug me." And then you're like, "Ugh." And then pretty soon, you stop coming home.

• 54:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  And then his fears, that he's trying to quell by always being handsy, are a self-fulfilling prophecy. He creates the world that he was trying so hard to avoid.

• 54:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  But I think it starts with a grown-up conversation, which is, hey, I've tried to just talk about it and talk about it. I know that you love to hug me. I know that you want to always have your hands on me, and I get it, and I'm glad that you love me. But I can tell when you're anxious, and you're trying to use my body for you to feel less anxious, and that's not my job.

• 54:41Dr. John Delony?

  And also, we have to, if our relationship's gonna last, we have to get to a place where I say what I want, and you don't immediately turn into a third grader who just got dumped on the playground.

• 55:00Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 55:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I guess so. I just, I do wanna be able to have him feel loved in the relationship as well. I don't want it to just, I don't know, be all what makes me feel loved every day, and then what makes him feel loved kind of gets brushed to the side.

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but here's the problem. Here's the problem with that sentiment. One of y'all, the way you're setting it up, is one of y'all has to not feel loved.

• 55:33Dr. John Delony?

  If he could actually feel what it feels like when he walked and saw you walk in the door and said, "Hey, how can I love you today?" And you said, "You could really love me by giving me 30 minutes to exhale?" And then just French kissing me for about 15 seconds.

• 55:53Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Then he could exhale and say, "Okay, she's been very clear on how I can love her. If I'm feeling anxious, that's my problem to solve."

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  And what he's gonna figure out is, "Oh, my gosh, when I love her in the way that she wants to be loved, I feel connected in a way that is much deeper and richer than me trying to manhandle her 24/7, 365."

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  And you, when you start feeling loved in the ways that make you actually feel loved,

• 56:30Dr. John Delony?

  and not like you're his mother, trying to pat him on the head and make sure little Timmy's knee feels better after he skinned his knee, then you will increasingly crave connection with him.

• 56:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Do you get what I'm saying? Somebody's gotta break this cycle.

• 56:52Dr. John Delony?

  But it can't just be on a case by case basis. It's gotta be breaking the cycle like an intentional, "Okay, look, we need to have a grown up conversation." And every time we do this, you get your feelings hurt and you go into, "Ah, I need you to not do that. I need you to stay present with me." Grown up adults.

• 57:08Dr. John Delony?

  I want to start asking each other, "How can I love you today?" In the morning? And "How can I love you today on the way home?"

• 57:16Dr. John Delony?

  And if that makes you anxious when I say, "Here's how you can best love me today," or "Love me for the next hour," then you've gotta deal with that anxiousness.

• 57:29Dr. John Delony?

  Because this isn't just, "I need it, I need it, I need it." This isn't about that. He does need it, but it's not because he loves and he's trying to connect with you. He needs it because that's the only thing he's figured out right now that helps him feel a little bit less anxious. And you can't be his anti-anxiety medication. That's parasitic. It's not your job.

• 57:56Dr. John Delony?

  Your job is to be fully whole and to love him and see all of him and still love him anyway.

• 58:03Dr. John Delony?

  Not bury yourself in the process. Thanks for the call, kid. I really appreciate it. This is gonna be tough, I know it is. But I also believe, man, if y'all really love each other, hearing, "Hey, here's how you can love me. And here's the strategy we're gonna put into place for the next three months" on asking each other, "How can I love you?" And then honoring that.

• 58:27Dr. John Delony?

  And then dealing with our own discomfort outside of that.

• 58:32Dr. John Delony?

  It'll be tough. I think y'all can do it. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

• 58:38Dr. John Delony?

  All right, folks, cutting corners with our physical health won't cut it. Whenever I try and just wing it, when I don't have a plan or any goals for my fitness routine, I end up skipping workouts and making lots of excuses and not really getting anywhere with my beefcake workouts. And I hear from you a lot, this is the same way y'all work too. If we want to make real progress towards our fitness goals, we have to have a plan. And TrainWell's got just the plan for everyone. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. That means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer, it's the best of both worlds. To get started, you get online and answer a few questions about your fitness journey

• 59:20Dr. John Delony?

  and you hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals and make a personalized plan. And after that, it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. I use them, my wife uses them, some of our friends use TrainWell. We've been using these workouts and TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So, if you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net/deloney today. And they have a special offer just for my audience. $89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free personal training. Go to TrainWell, that's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net/deloney.

• 1:00:05Dr. John Delony?

  That's trainwell.net/deloney. Go check them out. All right, we are back. Don't forget to hit the like or subscribe button. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

• 1:00:17Speaker 03

  Yes, this is from Becky in Oregon, and she writes, "Dear John, Kelly, and the team, the past couple of years have been very tough for me. We had a church split during the pandemic and I lost a lot of friends. I found myself very isolated and alone, but I listened to your show and I decided to do something about it. Five months ago, I started a girls' night out with seven friends to see who would show up. I'm happy to say that all seven of them have been coming once a month to dinner, even at different restaurants."

• 1:00:44Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing.

• 1:00:45Speaker 03

  I decided to invite anyone I have done something with outside of church and within the last, uh, somebody that, people that I've done something with outside of church in the last year, and it's a very mixed group of women. We all get along great and has been such a lifesaver and so much fun. Thank you for encouraging people to have a new tribe, crew, face-to-face friendships. It works. Sincerely, Becky from Oregon.

• 1:01:06Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, that's so cool. Way to go Becky from Oregon.

• 1:01:10Dr. John Delony?

  I need to start doing that.

• 1:01:14Speaker 03

  Practice what you preach, John.

• 1:01:16Dr. John Delony?

  Nope. Nope. Becky from Oregon, you just inspired me, dude. Way to go. Just making the phone call and saying, hey, let's go hang out. I'm doing that today. I reached out to one of Hank's buddy's dads and said, let's take the boys and go hang out. And of course, he was like, that would be awesome. And I've been anxious ever since.

• 1:01:37Speaker 03

  Where are y'all taking the boys?

• 1:01:38Dr. John Delony?

  We're going fishing.

• 1:01:40Speaker 03

  Okay. So it's not something where the boys will run off and do their own thing and y'all will be like forced to have, y'all will all four be there together?

• 1:01:51Dr. John Delony?

  I mean.

• 1:01:52Speaker 03

  Maybe?

• 1:01:54Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be amazing.

• 1:01:57Speaker 03

  And that's today?

• 1:01:58Dr. John Delony?

  That's today.

• 1:01:58Speaker 03

  It'll be great. It's beautiful weather. It'll be great.

• 1:02:00Dr. John Delony?

  Stunning. And I actually really like this guy. He's a good friend, so I like him. But my, my, whenever I get some time off, I, my natural bent is to just withdraw and go into a cave.

• 1:02:12Speaker 03

  Your love language?

• 1:02:13Dr. John Delony?

  My love language. My love language and my needs. So ridiculous. Oh my gosh, that gives me hemorrhoids. I need it. I need gifts or you don't love me. Oh my gosh. Gives me the G A S, Ps and Gs. Gives me the gas. Love you guys. Bye.