My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman dealing with the aftermath of her ex-husband’s infidelity · A newlywed wondering why her husband doesn’t want to have sex more often · A husband worried about the expectations his wife has from reading romance novels Next Steps: 📙 Read Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Dr. Anna Lembke 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How can I move on from my ex-husband's affair and focus on raising my child?

• 0:12Speaker 00

  He was engaging in an affair with a girl from work and at that time he moved her into our family home.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  Wait a minute, he moved his, his person he's having the affair with into y'all's house?

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A Texan who found himself living in Nashville for the last, golly dude, almost half decade. How long we been here? Seven years now? Long time. Taking your calls on your, on your emotions, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. I just got back from Texas shooting Chris Williamson Show, Modern Wisdom, and he was super kind and super hospitable. I had a great time. It was also just being back in Texas. Made me a little bit happy, made me a little bit happy. And also, man, I love coming back to Nashville where water falls from the sky a few times a week. It's pretty great.

• 1:12Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Seattle, home of Alice in Chains, and talk to Renee. Hey Renee, what's up?

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call.

• 1:20Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. What's up?

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Um, so my question is, how can I move on from my ex-husband's affair and focus on raising my child?

• 1:31Dr. John Delony?

  What happened? I'm so sorry.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Um, so I kind of wrote it all down, so.

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, just read it. Yeah, read it.

• 1:39Speaker 00

  Um, I wrote, "My ex and I met in 2015 through work. We dated and in 2021, we bought our house and got married. In May of 2022, I found out I was pregnant. Around the same time, I also learned he was engaging in an affair with a girl from work, who is 10 years younger than him." Um, over the duration of my pregnancy, he turned into someone I didn't recognize. He was very abusive and began doing drugs and drinking heavily with this girl. Our son was born in February of twenty twenty-three and he was not super present. Um, so I was on maternity leave and I decided to go visit my family over here in Seattle and get some support from them.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Um, and at that time, he moved her into our family home and so I could not go back home.

• 2:28Dr. John Delony?

  Wait a minute, he moved his, his person he's having the affair with in his, in y'all's house?

• 2:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, while I was gone.

• 2:35Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, God.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Um, and then she got pregnant.

• 2:41Dr. John Delony?

  Geez.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  So their child is born in January of twenty twenty-four. And I actually just recently found out she's pregnant again. Um.

• 2:52Dr. John Delony?

  Are you divorced officially?

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Yes, our divorce is finalized in December.

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have full custody?

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:59Dr. John Delony?

  Hundred percent?

• 3:01Speaker 00

  Yes, yeah, it's in our parenting plan that he has to get some help before he can be involved in our son's life.

• 3:07Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so this is gonna be a really hard thing I'm about to say to you, okay?

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 3:11Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to block them both. I want you to cut, I don't, I don't want you to know what's going on in his life with his new affair partner.

• 3:22Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's just, it's, it's gonna make you insane.

• 3:26Dr. John Delony?

  The courts have split y'all up. Um, you have a hundred percent custody, you never saw yourself as a single mom, and here we are.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Every time you get online, every time you hear the rumors, are y'all still working at the same place?

• 3:41Speaker 00

  No, no, so I live in Seattle, they live about five hours away. Um, and they're, they're actually not together anymore, but I mean.

• 3:48Dr. John Delony?

  He's just a complete and utter scumbag.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, of course they're not together. Um, God almighty, I'm so sorry, but listen, I, I, I, I know this is hard.

• 4:02Dr. John Delony?

  And there's a lot of things we could talk about moving forward, but this is ground zero.

• 4:08Dr. John Delony?

  You can't look back.

• 4:11Dr. John Delony?

  And unfortunately, you were with somebody, you married somebody, you bought a house with somebody, you you met a human with somebody.

• 4:20Dr. John Delony?

  Who's just, I mean, he's a terrible guy. He lacks complete and utter character. And you've, if you've listened to the show, you know, I don't talk about people who struggle with addiction that way. I don't, this is a person who completely and utterly lacks character.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:34Dr. John Delony?

  And so, we're gonna, we're gonna have to move forward, we're gonna have to look forward, and the first step there is just owning reality. Tell me about reality. Did y'all sell that house, I'm assuming?

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Um, no, so he actually stopped paying on it, so it went into foreclosure. Luckily, um, the deed, like, it's only in his name.

• 4:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  I helped pay for things, um, so that'll just hit his credit, which is fine. Um, and then, I mean, I moved over to Seattle, I have built a life for my son and I, I guess. I'm just struggling in holding firm boundaries with, like, his family because they have condoned and kind of.

• 5:18Dr. John Delony?

  There is no boundaries to hold, they don't exist. There's no boundaries, they don't exist.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? There's no boundaries there. If this was a situation where his mom and dad were really amazing people, and they were doing what they could to be present in the life of their grandkid, and they were, they were Team Renee, that's another story. That's not the case here.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:43Dr. John Delony?

  They're a part of the cancer.

• 5:45Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, your obligation, number one, is to you being well and whole. Them in your life does not help you be well and whole in any way. Number two, it is all, all focused on this little boy and giving him a good life. Because you, you know as well as I do, it's gonna be hard enough as it is.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, let's put all of our focus, you owe that other squad nothing.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? If they want to be a part of their grandkid's life, which I really wish they would be, then it's their job to make the appropriate apologies, to be emotionally regulated, to get in the car and drive, it's their job at this point.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And like I say, I, man, if you wanna block them all, I'd block them all. They just don't get a vote. They don't get a vote.

• 6:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I know that sounds harsh. But they're burying you. And the courts have said, move on. The, like, your psychological well-being said, move on. You've got a life there. Do you have family support on your side?

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I have. My family's close by, so it's nice to have them.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  But they're helping, they're not, they're not nutty too?

• 7:05Speaker 00

  No.

• 7:05Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing, okay, amazing. So can we just do something for a second?

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:12Dr. John Delony?

  Take as big a deep breath as you can, and hold it. And I want you to take your fist and put it right in the middle of your chest.

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to exhale real big and make this noise.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't hear it. Do it again, do it louder.

• 7:34Dr. John Delony?

  Big, big, big, deep breath, and then go.

• 7:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, when you're off the phone, I want you to do it really loud, towards almost a yell, okay?

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:51Dr. John Delony?

  I can hear your chest is so knotted up.

• 7:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so hear me really carefully. This is not your fault.

• 8:03Dr. John Delony?

  That little boy won the lottery when he got you as his mama.

• 8:07Dr. John Delony?

  And nobody wants to go to war with their child's father or their child's mother. And you had to, to keep him safe. That makes you a good mom.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 8:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Would I wish this on anybody? No.

• 8:24Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to start re-establishing trust with Renee, because you don't trust Renee anymore. Fair?

• 8:30Speaker 00

  Uh-uh, yeah, that's fair.

• 8:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you think you picked crazy men, you think you made bad decisions, you don't think you're a good mom, you think, oh my gosh, my son's gonna be raised by a single mom, he deserves better.

• 8:45Dr. John Delony?

  I wouldn't wish this on this little boy for anything, but you're a good mom.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 8:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:53Dr. John Delony?

  So, how we're gonna focus on raising this kid is we're going to look to the future. We want to make sure you're economically stable. Make sure this kid knows what love is, what it feels like.

• 9:08Dr. John Delony?

  Make sure this kid knows what boundaries are, so that you're not living out of some sense of, "I've gotta be overly permissive because I don't ever want him to be sad." Little kids are supposed to be sad. Little kids are supposed to not like their parents every once in a while, and that's okay. Doesn't mean you're a bad mom.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 9:27Dr. John Delony?

  And on certain nights when he's asleep and you're collapsing into bed, it's okay to grab the sheets real tight and squeeze them and bang on the mattress because it's not supposed to be like this. It's okay.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:40Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 9:43Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to block everybody. They don't get a vote. And if your husband gets the help he needs and gets clean and goes to a rehab program and then petitions the court and then shows up on your front door on a knee and says, "I'm so sorry," we'll have that conversation. Call me back. I think you and I both know that's probably not coming.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I don't expect it to at all, so...

• 10:08Dr. John Delony?

  And as your kid gets older, the conversation is, "Daddy, you're like, 'Where's my dad? Where's daddy?'" He was very, very sick and he had to go away. And we both miss him.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, we have pictures up of him with him for like the first two months he was around, but he hasn't, I mean, he's not old enough to really grasp that understanding yet, but that is definitely one thing that I'm struggling with is telling him when he's older. So I don't want to lie to him, but...

• 10:38Dr. John Delony?

  It's just daddy was sick and I may...

• 10:44Dr. John Delony?

  Man, right off the top, I would probably take those pictures down right now.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:50Dr. John Delony?

  And when he's old enough to begin to ask questions, "Where's my dad?", you can say, "Here's a picture," but daddy was very, very sick.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  And we miss him.

• 11:04Dr. John Delony?

  And there's gonna be, there's gonna come a time when he's mad, when you're the bad guy. That's just part of the situation that you're in. And that's where you being well, you being healthy, you being financially stable, you having a good gang around you, family, friends, all that, so that when those storms come, you can weather them.

• 11:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And what we're looking for is to raise a great 25-year-old man.

• 11:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 11:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  That's what we're looking for. And that means he's gonna have to have, he's gonna have to have other men in his life so he has a picture of what good men look like. Does he have a good relationship with your dad?

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. And, um, my, not my bio dad, I don't know my bio dad, so I think that kind of aids in this feeling that I have.

• 11:53Dr. John Delony?

  It does, yeah. Because you're wondering what's wrong with you because you got left again, huh?

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Nothing.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Okay. But, yeah, he, my, my dad that's raised me since I was little, he's very involved. And my brothers are great with him, so he definitely has those male figures in his life, which I'm very thankful for.

• 12:17Dr. John Delony?

  Will you do something amazing for your brothers and your dad?

• 12:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 12:22Dr. John Delony?

  Will you take them out for breakfast one morning on a Saturday?

• 12:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  And let them know, look your stepdad in the eye and say, "Daddies aren't supposed to leave their little girls, and my dad did, and you stepped in."

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  And dads aren't supposed to leave their little boys and look to your brothers and look to your stepdad and say, "And you all stepped up, thank you. And I'm gonna lean on you guys because I want him to know what a good man looks like so this cycle stops here." And I can't do it without you guys. Like, it's easy to just kind of assume. But that kind of conversation from a single mom to his step, her stepdad, that kind of conversation to your brothers will be like a tall glass of water in the desert for them.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And it will give them additional purpose. Is that cool?

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Yes, I would love to do that for them.

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And then you never stop asking for help when you need it, okay?

• 13:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:24Dr. John Delony?

  Let me, let me tell you this, and I'm not telling you this to pour salt into a wound. I'm telling you this to give you another side, okay?

• 13:29Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  When I'm on the road and I'm away from my daughter for three nights, I get to where I can't breathe. I don't sleep well.

• 13:40Dr. John Delony?

  I don't exhale right. I get grouchy. Dads are not supposed to leave their daughters, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  But that was because something was going on with your dad, not because of you.

• 13:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:53Dr. John Delony?

  And when I'm around, and I'm not around my son for a couple of nights, he's 14, he's tall, he smells, he's got hairy legs, and I get to where I don't breathe right, I don't sleep right if I'm not around him.

• 14:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 14:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:07Dr. John Delony?

  Dads aren't supposed to leave their sons, and I'm sorry that your ex-husband did that to you.

• 14:14Dr. John Delony?

  And when I'm not around my wife for a few nights, man, we've had our ups and downs over the last couple of decades, but man, I don't, I just don't sleep right. I don't, I don't move through the world right. Husbands aren't supposed to leave their wives. I'm sorry.

• 14:31Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 14:33Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 14:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But listen.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:36Dr. John Delony?

  My one promise, sometimes I get things wrong on the show, but I'm always gonna tell the truth. You're a good mom, and your little boy won the lottery when he got you to be his mama, okay?

• 14:44Speaker 00

  I appreciate that.

• 14:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but you got work to do, right?

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 14:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right. All right. You call anytime, Renee, and I'm always gonna be here to take your call. And, um, anything I can do, let me know. But let's get to blocking folks today. They don't need explanations. They don't, they don't need any of that. They don't need Facebook, Instagram, all that stuff. No more taking grenades from a family that just wants to throw grenades.

• 15:10Dr. John Delony?

  We're done with that. We're gonna start looking forward with the family we got, and we're gonna create an amazing world for you and for that little boy. You, my friend, are worth being loved, and you're worth the work. So is that little boy. Blessings to you Renee. We'll be right back.

• 15:27Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:11Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:37Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:20Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe and like this show. Man, please just take 30 seconds and hit the subscribe button, or roll off and do a quick five-star review. It makes such a major, major difference for everybody involved. It really helps the show. If just a percentage of you would do that, man, it would send the show through the stratosphere, and I'd be so, so grateful. Thank you so much. And don't forget, tonight, I'm in Atlanta. Can't wait to be there at the beautiful Fox Theatre, and it's gonna be incredible. The show's been going awesome, and I'm gonna be there with my friend Dave Ramsey. And Phoenix, May 5th, Fort Worth, May 7th, Kansas City, May 9th. Get your tickets at ramseysolutions.com/tour.

• 19:03Dr. John Delony?

  It is wheels off, a blast, a total blast. This show live, plus a whole bunch of other craziness, so can't wait to see you guys. All right, so go to Memphis, Tennessee, and talk to Bonita. What's up, Bonita?

• 19:18Speaker 00

  Hi, how are you?

• 19:19Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing fantastic. How about you?

• 19:21Speaker 00

  I'm doing pretty good.

• 19:23Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. What's going on?

• 19:26Speaker 00

  Um, I'll just here today, I guess, uh, talking about, um, it seemed like, oh, it seemed like an embarrassing topic, but, you know, I've had issues with my husband, um.

• 19:41Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Trying to get him to, goodness, I'm sorry, I'm trying to get him to have more, you know, in intimate, very intimate, um.

• 19:52Dr. John Delony?

  More.

• 19:52Speaker 00

  I was gonna say, I just wanna, I want him to have sex with me more often.

• 19:56Dr. John Delony?

  More sex, there you go, okay, yeah, let's just put it out on the table, that's the best way to do it, all right.

• 20:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:01Dr. John Delony?

  So, how long you been married?

• 20:04Speaker 00

  A few months, about four months, we got married in November, in the middle of November.

• 20:08Dr. John Delony?

  How long y'all been together?

• 20:11Speaker 00

  Uh, somewhat four years, five years, there was like a breakup in between, but we met in college and then, you know, we finished college and then we had a long distance relationship and then after we finally got settled down, got a place and some cars and jobs, then, you know, we got married.

• 20:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, um, is this new?

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  Or has he always been sexually avoidant, or is this, does this just pop up after you got married, or did y'all wait to have sex before you got married and then all of a sudden, you, like, tell me, tell me about the trajectory here.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Well, um, it's always been our objective to wait until we were married, uh, we did mess up a little bit at the beginning of our relationship and then, you know, we stopped and we were like, you know, we wanna wait, so about three years after, uh, before we got married, we didn't do anything. And now we're married and it's almost like.

• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  You ready to rock it on to the break of dawn and it's not happening, huh?

• 21:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:14Dr. John Delony?

  So, when you've talked to him, what does he say?

• 21:17Speaker 00

  I mean, he says that, you know, he would like to, whatever, and he, cause he, you know, tells me I'm beautiful and stuff, all that, and he loves to do this and that, but then he doesn't, um.

• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

  Does he, does he, does he push you away?

• 21:35Speaker 00

  Oh, not like physically, like he'll hold me and touch me and stuff like that. But when it comes to actually doing it, it's rare. Like at first, when I first asked about, you know, this call, we didn't, um, really do it. Now, since then, it's been, you know, a few, a handful of times. But that's out of like four months or so. And I was like, is this normal? Or I didn't know.

• 22:07Dr. John Delony?

  Is he struggling with, is he struggling with erections? Is he struggling with erectile dysfunction?

• 22:12Speaker 00

  No.

• 22:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 22:18Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. So he's affectionate and loving just when it comes to the act? I mean, like, like without being, um, I don't want to put you in, I don't want you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, okay? But I'm trying to get to, I'm trying to paint me a picture in my mind of he's affectionate. Y'all are hugging, y'all are touching, you start kissing. And then you think, all right, it's on. And then what happens? He just get up and leave? Does he go outside? Does he get on the phone? Like, what does he do?

• 22:47Speaker 00

  Well, he prefers, um, honestly, when we get to that point, he usually would say, well, I'm not in the mood. And he prefers, honestly, hop on his game. Um, you know, sometimes when we do do it, it's, he goes as far as, you know, what he kind of wants to do. And he might touch me here or there, but other than that is what he's feeling or what he wants. And then I'm done or I'm tired. And that's still the very few cases, because he just.

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so he gets off and then he just leaves you hanging and then he's off playing his video games?

• 23:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, if he does it, yeah.

• 23:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, no, it's not normal. And I don't put a, um, I'm really reluctant. In fact, I will never give somebody the data on what's normal. Like, how much sex is, should a couple be having each week? And like, some people have it every day. Some people have it twice a day. Some people have it, um, twice a month. What's important is, is that both people talk about it. And there is some give and there is some take. And there is some, there's all kinds of support and all that kind of stuff. But when it comes down to it, it is what we both need. And more importantly, what do we both want? And what's concerning

• 24:07Dr. John Delony?

  for me is, I'm hoping that you've been really direct with him. Like, y'all have been out on a date, y'all been having dinner together, and you say, hey, we've got to talk about this. What's going on? And I'm trusting that you've had that. Have you been pretty direct with him?

• 24:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Well, at this point, yeah, because it's, yeah.

• 24:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, something else is going on. And it would be a fool's errand for me to try to just guess. I can put some things out there. Um, he could have some, some pretty significant psychological hang, hangups. He may have had abuse as a kid. He may have had, sex was so, he came from a household where sex was so shameful, that just flipping that switch, as a married man, it's, it's just, he can't do it. Um, he may be one of the, um, what I would call the sexless generation that just grew up with, with that light switch completely off, and spent their whole life on video games, did not hold hands, and didn't try to kiss girls in high school and college, which I think is, which I think is healthy.

• 25:11Dr. John Delony?

  And all of a sudden, um, there, there's been, what I would call it, I don't want to overstate it, an impotence epidemic. Eighteen to twenty-five year olds who can't get it up. But because they're, they've, for lack of better terms, they've blown out the hedonic censor in their mind. Right? And so, I don't know what, what his background with pornography use, with OnlyFans, but like, I don't, I, I don't know. And it may be as, as far as, he needs to get his testosterone checked, or he's struggling with attraction to you, he's gay. I could, there's a thousand different things that might be the case.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:46Dr. John Delony?

  But what's important is you, oh, go, keep going, go ahead. So, I threw a bunch of stuff out there. Tell me what you think.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  Well, um, I'm glad you mentioned those things, because uh, he did go through foster care for a little bit when he was growing up. And I thought it was kinda ironic that you mentioned it, because I honestly was uh sexually abused uh for a long time while I was growing up by my own father.

• 26:09Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry, hon. Hey, can I just stop you for a second? I'm sorry.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it it happens, unfortunately.

• 26:16Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, I know, I know, but hold on. That's a big gnarly deal, and I'm sorry.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, thanks.

• 26:22Dr. John Delony?

  That's not supposed to happen.

• 26:25Speaker 00

  Well, yeah.

• 26:26Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 26:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I had to find that out.

• 26:28Dr. John Delony?

  Jeez, I'm sorry.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  I'm glad I found it out, though.

• 26:30Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Oh, it's fine.

• 26:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's not, it's not fine. Don't say that. It's not fine.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Oh, well, not, well, yeah, yeah, but.

• 26:36Dr. John Delony?

  But here we, here we are, okay. All right. I don't want to derail us, but just want to always pause for a second when I hear that and just let somebody know I hear you and I see you and I'm sorry.

• 26:45Speaker 00

  Oh, I appreciate that. Yeah.

• 26:48Dr. John Delony?

  So you're talking about him, you you you, did he experience a real rough go at it too as a kid?

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Uh, somewhat, um, he's, his, they, his parents did have to get a divorce, and then his father had to fight for custody because they were more uh willing to give him to his mother instead of his father, but his mother uh wasn't the best parent at at the time, and he ended up going from home to home for a little second, and um some of the people weren't the best, or or even as a child tried to force him to drink alcohol for like, you know, because they thought it was funny to see the reaction of a child drink alcohol. But he got out of that, thank God, and his father got him back full custody, and he raised him from that point, so um that was good.

• 27:36Dr. John Delony?

  Well, here's what's important, here's what's important. You have a new marriage.

• 27:40Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:41Dr. John Delony?

  And let's draw some real firm boundaries right now. And boundary number one is, um, well, actually, I'm I'm not going to use the word boundaries. Let's come up with some very firm game plans moving forward.

• 27:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 27:54Dr. John Delony?

  For the rest of your marriage, I've been married, gosh, twenty-three years now, and I've been with, I was with her five years before that, and we've had big ups and we've had big downs, okay? That's just part of being married. We're on the roller coaster, but. The thing that we had, we had to develop, my wife and I had to develop out of necessity, right, to make sure we could stay together was when, when we get apart on an issue, that we have a way to come to the table and talk about it and be honest and both of us love each other enough to go get the help we need if we need it.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and so if he looks at you and says, "I don't love you enough to stop playing video games."

• 28:40Dr. John Delony?

  "I don't love you enough to go talk to a counselor about the fact that I'm attracted to this, to my wife, I love my wife, but I have no interest in pleasing her in the bedroom, none."

• 28:54Dr. John Delony?

  He's gotta go see somebody if he would rather look at pornography and by himself than be with his wife. Or he might find himself completely asexual. That's not an, that's, that's an increasing trend, not because people aren't innately sexual, but because there's so many distractions and so many other things, just handing out free dopamine in our lives, especially in our childhoods that come all the way up to adulthood, that just make it, makes it hard. And it's, it's really, I mean, I'm just speaking from experience, I can't imagine a more embarrassing thing than being a 25-year-old guy who finds himself not wanting to have sex with his wife, who kinda wants to, but he doesn't want to want to, and having to go talk to somebody, that's an embarrassing thing, but he needs to love you that much.

• 29:39Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth that, and so is he.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 29:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, the bigger issue here beneath the sacks is, this will come up with kids, this will come up with homes, this will come up with jobs, this will come up with, one of y'all gets a promotion and you wanna, you're gonna have to move though, and do we move or not move, and all that stuff.

• 29:59Dr. John Delony?

  Whenever you have a little girl, you're gonna have like a GPS pin that sets off in the middle of your chest, because you remember what it's like getting abused by the person who's supposed to love you most, right? You're gonna find yourself hypervigilant, you're gonna like, so everybody responds differently to life, and what's, what's important with a marriage is, two people who are head over, like not head over heels, are firmly committed in a compassionate way to saying, "I wanna love you the best that I can."

• 30:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that's what we're shooting for here.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so the bigger issue is not that he's 25 and doesn't want to have sex with his wife. The bigger issue here is you've said, "Hey, I want you and I need you and I miss you." And he said, "Yeah, I'm in the middle of a Fortnite game."

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:48Dr. John Delony?

  That's what can't happen in a marriage.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  Did you hear what I'm saying? So it's a good moment to flip on, before this dance gets entrenched, you've been married for a few months, man, flip on every light in that house and say, "I'm putting down a boundary. I don't need you to do anything, but I'm gonna say what I want and what I need. And I'm gonna ask you, will you please go, come with me to see a marriage counselor? Will you please come with me?" And by the way, I'm gonna give y'all, I know being young and married is hard and finances are tough, I'm gonna give you, um, three free months with my friends at BetterHelp. You can do it online, you don't even have to get in the car and drive anywhere. Um, y'all can do it at home with a computer screen and y'all can sit side by side and do a couple's counseling, right, like that, okay?

• 31:31Speaker 00

  Oh, wow. Oh, thank you.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  With a licensed therapist, okay?

• 31:35Speaker 00

  Oh, I appreciate that a lot, thank you.

• 31:38Dr. John Delony?

  And it's probably not gonna be enough, both of y'all have come from pretty traumatic backgrounds. At some point, y'all are gonna need to talk to somebody, but I know it's expensive and I know it's hard to get, to find somebody right out of the gate, okay?

• 31:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:49Dr. John Delony?

  But he needs to be able to articulate, "Here is why I am not interested in pleasing my wife."

• 31:57Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all gotta put that out on the table, you're owed at least that much. And he needs to be honest with himself.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  Right.

• 32:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And both of you are gonna have to deal with that trauma at some point.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  Well, yeah.

• 32:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 32:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, can I tell you something, you're not crazy?

• 32:16Speaker 00

  Oh, no?

• 32:16Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're not crazy.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 32:19Dr. John Delony?

  Wanting to be with your husband's not crazy.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Oh, that's good.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  And wanting your husband to, um, just to, to please you back is not, doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to be more important than video games doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to have wheels off, peel the wallpaper off sex as a newlywed, doesn't make you crazy.

• 32:40Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 32:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you're not nuts.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  Oh, that's good.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you're a good wife.

• 32:46Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 32:47Dr. John Delony?

  And he's clearly struggling with something, so let's do this. Let's clear the table and say, we gotta talk about something really important, and I need your full attention. No phones, no hiding, no video games, just you and me. And if we need to get out of the house, cool.

• 33:02Dr. John Delony?

  And you gotta say, it's gonna be hard for me to hear, but I'm ready to hear it. And I won't throw a fit, and if I need to step away, I will, but I'm gonna listen carefully.

• 33:14Dr. John Delony?

  We've gotta talk about our physical intimacy in this marriage. And beneath that, we've gotta talk about, we're married and I'm already second fiddle. And by the way, he's never seen or experienced a functional marriage. He's never even seen it. He's never a picture of what this looks like. So y'all are gonna have to be extra, extra clear with each other about, here's how you can love me.

• 33:36Dr. John Delony?

  Will you do it? Will you be a part of it? Thanks for the call, Benita. Best of luck to you. And hey, if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him. I'm not gonna be mean, I just wanna hear from him. So if he wants to call in, I'd love to hear what's going through his heart and mind, and see if I can help you guys get on the same page. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's talk about Bond Charge. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time, and that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bond Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, in front of little screens and medium-sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna blanket, EMF mat, all of it, all the time.

• 34:39Dr. John Delony?

  And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I just got the mask, and I'm gonna start using it soon, so I can look Beautiful. Just wear it 10 minutes, a few times a week for fresher skin easily. There's no creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to boncharge.com/deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%. That's B O N C H A R G E. Boncharge.com/deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%. Go check them out.

• 35:19Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Boise, Idaho and talk to here's Johnny. What's up Johnny?

• 35:25Speaker 02

  What's up John? Dude, thank you so much for taking my call. I just, I love you, man. I appreciate all that you do and I have found an extraordinary amount of help through your show. So thank you for doing this.

• 35:37Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you, brother. That means the world, man. Um, sometimes I feel like I'm just yam yamming at a camera here. So I appreciate you, man. That means the world. Thank you.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  You bet.

• 35:46Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Okay, um, let me ask my question first and if you want me to expound, I can expound. Um, I would just like to know from a professional what the data is. Uh, basically what effect do romance novels and your wife reading them have on your marriage?

• 36:08Dr. John Delony?

  So good.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  And your sex life?

• 36:10Dr. John Delony?

  Well, is she making you wear wings and like fairy crowns and stuff like that? I don't know. Fairy porn and dragon porn is the new things for modern housewives. So tell me about it. What's going on?

• 36:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, dude. So we've been married seven years and uh, I, my wife is my ride or die. We, we love each other. We've got a couple of kiddos that we're trying to raise and uh, things are fantastic. As far as our sex life goes, I, I just honestly feel that the expectations that these romantic novels create, um, the expectations it create are almost like impossible for me to reach. And I feel like it's having an effect um, on our romantic life and on our sexual life. But I don't want to bring it up, uh, and almost like accuse that of, of being a reason why I feel like

• 37:06Speaker 02

  uh, she escapes to those fantasies um, during sex instead of like staying present with me like we used to.

• 37:14Dr. John Delony?

  So can you, how do you know this is happening? Does she, you, when y'all, when y'all are sleeping together, you can, you can like feel her check out?

• 37:22Speaker 02

  Oh dude, yeah, I mean, I'll just shoot you, I'll just shoot you straight. So we're like very open with that stuff. And, you know, we've talked about fantasies and I feel like in some ways they've had a positive effect. And a lot of the fantasies that she has stem from like situations in these books. And so, yeah, during sex, um, I can, I can just feel her and see her, you know, go off into these fantasies, um, you know, mentally through her body language and so forth. And she'll even straight up say it and tell me. And while that helps her during sex, I feel like it's, it's divided us in a way where it used to just be like, the whole world shuts down. It's her and I, uh, you know, we, we, we

• 38:04Speaker 02

  communicate throughout it. And now like communication is lessened, it's far more quiet, like all that stuff. And, and I feel like she, I don't feel like she does just kind of go to these fantasies. And I feel like in order for her, you know, to reach level sexually that she wants, she has to escape to those fantasies and almost escape reality. And I just, I don't like how it makes me feel.

• 38:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:27Speaker 02

  I don't like how it is, you know, for a sex life. And so, yeah, I, I could just use some help on how to talk to her about it and when, what the data, I know that, you know, porn affects that, right? Like watching porn, obviously affects and creates expectations that aren't realistic in sex. And I want to know if I'm crazy for trying to bridge the gap and connecting the two, or, or what your thoughts are on it.

• 38:47Dr. John Delony?

  No. And, and, and man, um, this has come up more and more and more, um, as, so the old trope is men watch pornography and women read it. Okay.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:59Dr. John Delony?

  And, um, and I guess even a further trope is men are visual, they want to see it. And women want to participate in it. It's, it's a, it's a creation of a world. And when you're reading, you're creating the mood, the sounds, the smells, the, the pictures, right? I mean, so you're immersed in it, right? And so, um, I have not been able to find any data. I'm, I'm confident that it exists somewhere. Um, I, I can't for the life of me believe that romance novels do the same things to your dopamine that hardcore pornography consumption does. Okay. That's number one. But none of that

• 39:42Dr. John Delony?

  matters here. Okay. I want you to read a book called Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke.

• 39:50Dr. John Delony?

  L E M B K E. It's a modern masterpiece. Everyone should read it.

• 39:58Dr. John Delony?

  But in that book, she is a Stanford Medical School professor, professor who is a psychiatrist, who focuses on addiction. And she details in, in brave detail, her stone cold addiction to romance novel escapism and the increasing, the escalation of it.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 40:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:22Dr. John Delony?

  But here's what is the most important thing. Do I think romance novels are inherently bad? I think that they're garbage, but do it. I mean, no, I'm not going to be a romance police. I read a couple of the, I forgot what they're called. The, they're the fairy porn books. They're like, I forgot, I forgot what they're called. What are they called? Kelly?

• 40:39Speaker 02

  I, I.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Court of.

• 40:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Court of something. Of crowns and, and, and.

• 40:44Speaker 03

  Thorns.

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  Petunias and, yeah, thorns and knives or whatever it is. And yeah, it's just like, it's fairy porn. And there's dragon porn. I mean, there's all that stuff, right?

• 40:54Dr. John Delony?

  The problem here is, is, and I, I actually, I'm glad you brought this up. I think talking about fantasies, when, when you don't go into graphic, like, oh, I'm fantasizing about your sister, then, then we've got a problem with oversharing. And that's, that's insanity. Um, but talking about with your spouse, like, I'm kind of into this and this picture of this. And, um, that can be a really intimate, fun, like, kind of jealousy, kind of like, tell me more about that. Like, that can be a really arousing conversation, right?

• 41:22Speaker 02

  No doubt.

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  But the purpose should be to bring you together.

• 41:27Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes those conversations about fantasies become ways people covertly feel like they got permission to escape.

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  And that's what I feel like happened to you.

• 41:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I think it does. And you know, to, um, to add a little bit more context, my wife, like she, so we both own businesses and one of her, uh, like secondary things that she focuses on is digital minimalism. So she knows like the effects of social media stuff. She tries to, to stay away from it far more than I do. She's fantastic in that way. And she's not, you know, every day hiding in her closet, just indulging in these books.

• 42:05Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. No, I got you. I got you.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  But it's enough that, that, that she's created a handful of escape routes. And so to your point, yes, I, I do feel like, since we talk about it and we're open with it, it's almost like permission to go there. And what used to be a handful of times, like, you know, what are you thinking about? Blah, blah, blah. Now it's like, in order, in order for our sexual experience to be complete, if you know what I'm saying?

• 42:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yep, totally.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  Like, she just has to, she just has to go there and just totally check out. And so, so yeah, you're, you're not wrong in a sense that it's almost like created this permission. But now, it's almost like what used to be a handful of times is just every time. And we've lost our, our personal intimate connection where we're locked into each other.

• 42:45Dr. John Delony?

  So you're gonna have to take the brave, bold step and put that on the table. And doing that in a very non-sexual environment would be my recommendation.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 42:56Dr. John Delony?

  At lunch, right? Not even at dinner. Um, cause there's sometimes an expectation that right after dinner, we're gonna lead to the bedroom. Like I'm talking about at breakfast on a Sunday morning, or a Saturday morning.

• 43:06Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah.

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  And get you take care of the childcare and say, I gotta put this on the table. And can I just applaud you, dude? Cause this happens in marriages all across the country and guys don't know what to say or what to do. And so 99% of the time, they just shut up. And their wife goes into a vortex and the guys feel that gap. And then if you're not careful, you find yourself becoming somebody you don't wanna be.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 43:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I've, I've even found.

• 43:34Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead.

• 43:35Speaker 02

  I'm sorry. I was just gonna say, I've even found myself like to connect with her, just mentally going with her to these fantasies.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  And I, I just, I don't jam with it.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  I know. But, but what's gonna happen is somebody at work's gonna think your jokes are hilarious. You're gonna text her back. And now we're off to the races. Somebody at your local church is gonna gently put her arm, her hand on your arm when y'all are doing something and you're gonna really like that level of connection.

• 44:02Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're gonna go, oh, you're with me right now. Even this something innocuous as this. And now you're off to the races. You get what I'm saying? Like, it just takes one little inch and you head off another direction. And in otherwise, it might feel kinda weird, or it wouldn't be weird at all, just friends. Suddenly, it lights up connectivity. And it doesn't make any sense, because your wife may come back and say, hey, we're having sex all the time. And it's like, yeah, but you're not with me. And so I'm no longer comfortable with indulging in these fantasies, because you're leaving our bedroom.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 44:35Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's a hard conversation. Women have it all the time, with husbands struggling with pornography and all that. But like, and people who've, like... Just, let me say it this way. Imagining you're having sex with somebody else while you're with your partner is unhealthy. Let me say it that way.

• 44:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 44:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 44:55Speaker 02

  Crystal clear. Yep.

• 44:56Dr. John Delony?

  It's not, it's, it's... I don't know, it's a form of... That, to me, is not fantasy, that is a form of emotional infidelity, if you will.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, agreed.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  And she'll, you know, she'll say, again, like, we're very open with it, and she'll... It's never like with an individual person, it's just not like a specific person. You know, because I'm asking, like, well, what about this? Like, no, what are you talking about?

• 45:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, of course.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  Um, and certain times, like, it's with me in these other settings, but I just... Again, the basis of it is, I just feel like...

• 45:31Dr. John Delony?

  You feel her leaving the room.

• 45:32Speaker 02

  How I am currently, and, yeah.

• 45:34Dr. John Delony?

  You feel her leaving the room.

• 45:35Speaker 02

  And it's like, I'm not, I'm not good enough here, like, performance-wise, emotional-wise, like, I'm just not fulfilling it here.

• 45:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, well, and again, not always, okay? Not always. But it's often indicative of...

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  People who've been married for seven to 10 years, and they got a couple of kids, and you start feeling a little bit... Exhausted in your own skin. And instead of doubling down and what I would, I say this all the time and it, it, it doesn't always, it doesn't always connect in the way I wish it would. I need to get better about coming up with new ways to say it. But it's about recreating our marriage. And what that means is we got to recreate the connectivity and it's going to look different than it did the first seven years we were together.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 46:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so what does that look like? What does novelty look like? What does fun look like? What does flirting look like? What does play look like? All those things are going to be renegotiated and they're going to be different now. But you got to put them on the table.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:31Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 46:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  Part of that is saying, I'm uncomfortable with this. And that's just hard and scary to do.

• 46:41Speaker 02

  It is.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  Or you saying, hey, it's become a major turn off when we are having sex and I feel you disappear. And I would say, you need to check yourself on if sex is continually becoming, increasingly becoming a performance. That's problematic too. Instead of a place where you can wheels off. Does that make sense where instead of

• 47:06Speaker 02

  It totally does.

• 47:07Dr. John Delony?

  Like it's not a place where we got to go perform. It's a place where we get to just go get it.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  Yes. Yep.

• 47:14Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 47:14Speaker 02

  The world shuts off.

• 47:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:16Speaker 02

  It's just turned on.

• 47:17Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, yeah, how old are your kids?

• 47:20Speaker 02

  Uh, four and one.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  All right, there's not going to be a ton of shut off sex right now. For one or both of you.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:28Dr. John Delony?

  Sometimes there's in this season you're in, there's survival sex. Right? There's just getting it done sex and that's okay. That's okay. Not every, not every encounter has to be the Superbowl, right?

• 47:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 47:40Dr. John Delony?

  But there does need to be a, and having a one year old, I mean, y'all are still coming out of it, right?

• 47:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's like 18 months, but yes, we are definitely still coming out of it.

• 47:49Dr. John Delony?

  So, um, I think this is an amazing time to just kind of resettle it. Reimagine it.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 47:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:57Speaker 02

  So you would.

• 47:59Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, go ahead.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  Lay stuff out and then next step would be, then the next conversation is how do we rebuild this thing?

• 48:06Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's in rebuild can sound dramatic. So maybe I wouldn't use rebuild here unless unless she says, I just. I'm not interested in trying to. Have orgasms without thinking I'm in a castle somewhere with some dragons and I don't know what she's what she's doing, right? Um, or with Fabio all oiled up with long hair. I don't know what's in her head, but like, but like, I'm not interested in what you just told me. The fact that you feel unsafe or the fact that you feel disconnected, I don't care. I'm gonna do what I gotta do to get off. Y'all have bigger issues. I don't think that's the case here.

• 48:39Speaker 02

  I don't either.

• 48:40Dr. John Delony?

  I think the case here is that just a step became a step, became a step and.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  As a full-time working mom who also has a one-year-old or an 18-month-old. Man, just escaping from everything, including this guy I love and just going to another planet for a few minutes. Like, I get how you end up there.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:01Dr. John Delony?

  So it's not drinking the hater aid. It's just saying, hey, I don't like this. I feel like you're disappearing. What can we do together to reimagine our intimacy life, our sex life? And by the way, bro, most of this is gonna be outside of the bedroom.

• 49:16Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna be, how do we, uh, I want you and your wife get a book. Um, y'all definitely read Anna Limkey's book, but get, um, uh. I just lost it. Emily Nagatsky's book, Come As You Are. Y'all read that book together.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Come As You Are. Okay.

• 49:31Dr. John Delony?

  And there will be some awkward times when you're reading it together. Big time. Um, and mainly because most women have never thought of many of these conversations that she brings up and some of the things she asks people to do, but especially men haven't.

• 49:45Dr. John Delony?

  But it's a new way to talk about the gas pedals and the brakes and what does romance feel like and what does intimacy feel like? How do we create a sex life that one of us doesn't have to escape from?

• 49:55Speaker 02

  Cool. That's great.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  And this is all same-team language. This is not me versus you language. And maybe you go first by saying, hey, I'm finding myself more and more and more entering into being intimate with you. As a show, as a performance, and I just want to be with you.

• 50:15Dr. John Delony?

  And that way you're taking, you're, you're, you're walking in with your blocks. You're not walking in and saying, hey, you're, you're doing this, right?

• 50:22Speaker 02

  Yep, yep. Okay.

• 50:25Dr. John Delony?

  And you get to say, hey, I'm uncomfortable with where we're headed and I want to do something different. And just have a little bit of space if she says, I don't want to.

• 50:35Dr. John Delony?

  And then y'all gotta deal with that part.

• 50:37Speaker 02

  That would shock me, but okay.

• 50:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I don't, I don't think it is. I always tell, I just always tell everybody, man, just, just hold a little sliver, right?

• 50:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, and I appreciate that.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is, my, my honest guess is, she doesn't super love it either. Um, and often, especially new parents, find themselves in these loops. And she wants you, she wants to, like, she loves the release of a good orgasm. She wants you to feel good about yourself. She, like, and you just find yourself in this loop. And sometimes we think we're, like, helping out and actually we're, we're increasing the disconnection a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. But, bro, thank you so, so, so much for the call. Um, this conversation, I'm, I'm confident it's gonna help a whole bunch of people. And it's because you did something that most modern men won't do, is you said, uh, hey,

• 51:28Dr. John Delony?

  can I get your thought on this? So, thank you for, um, going first and being brave on this one, brother. You're gonna help a bunch of people. Thanks, man. We'll be right back.

• 51:38Dr. John Delony?

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• 52:22Dr. John Delony?

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• 53:06Dr. John Delony?

  That's join, J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me/deloney.

• 53:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Let's go to Kelly, the overlord, and she says, "Am I the problem?" What do you think?

• 53:21Speaker 03

  All right, so this is from Jake in Denver.

• 53:23Dr. John Delony?

  You've been throwing some grenades with these "Am I the problem?"s lately.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like I dropped a grenade and then I just sit back and watch you try to get out of it.

• 53:30Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, geez. All right, let's do it.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  All right, he writes, "I'd like to preface this by saying I'm two weeks sober from alcohol after an eight-year addiction. My wife agreed to stop drinking with me even though she does not have a problem. Yesterday was her birthday, so we went out to dinner, and I told her that she could drink and that I would be fine without it. We stopped by a liquor store and she came out with a pint of vodka, much to my surprise. Dinner was great, but once we got home, she drank the entire thing and was slurring, plus she fell over twice. We've been having issues in the bedroom, so we had plans to change that after dinner. After all of this unfolded, I wasn't in the mood anymore. And I feel resentment towards her for getting that drunk. Am I the problem?"

• 54:10Dr. John Delony?

  No. That was super uncompassionate and not cool. Yeah.

• 54:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I hate that for you, brother. No, because, man, I don't want to blow it. I watched a comedy special this weekend, and it's not for everybody, but at the end of it, man, I was sobbing, boxing Kleenex. It was one of the best performances I've ever seen.

• 54:37Dr. John Delony?

  But he, the guy goes to his wife and says, "I'm so sorry that I've got this problem." And she said, "No, no, no, no, no. We have this problem and we're gonna solve it." And dude, I just lost it. It was so amazing. Um, but when somebody decides they're gonna get sober in a marriage relationship, it is both of y'all working together. And, um, you can't get sober for somebody. You can't make them get sober, whatever. But you cannot get hammered and wasted and stop by a liquor store. So yeah, no, you're not the problem, brother. In fact, keep on keeping on, man. And keep going to meetings and keep staying strong. But yeah, I hate that for you. Man, that's tough. That's tough, tough, tough, tough, tough. If you're married, man, and, and somebody one of you like says, "Hey, I wanna get healthy. I wanna start exercising. I wanna start eating healthier. I wanna stop drinking, whatever."

• 55:23Dr. John Delony?

  Man, just swallow your ego and your pride and say, "Right at time, man." Like, is it gonna be uncomfortable? Yes. Is it your fault? No. But good God almighty, dude. Like, just ride together, man. Nothing has made me feel more loved over the years than when my wife is like at the beginning of the month when she goes to the grocery store. She's like, "All right, what kinda diet are we this month, dude? Right? Are we, are we keto? Are we like, whatever?" Like, it just makes me feel like she's in this with me, even to the point that, or, and I, or I find like, I find like crackers or bread in her office where she's like, "I'm eating crackers, but I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna put my husband in a position where he's gonna eat the whole box in, whatever." So, man, um, yeah, not the problem, brother. And, uh, stay strong. Stay strong. Yeah. Does that sound good?

• 56:09Speaker 03

  Oh, 100% agree. Yeah. Uh, I do need some more "Am I the Problem?" So please send those to

• 56:13Dr. John Delony?

  Send them in.

• 56:14Speaker 03

  JohnDeloney.com/ask.

• 56:16Dr. John Delony?

  Ask and put "Am I the Problem?" in the, uh,

• 56:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, put it right at the top of the question. Um, there's not a place for a subject, so put it right at the top of the question.

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 56:23Speaker 03

  Send them in.

• 56:24Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Come see us live and don't forget to hit all the internet's buttons. Love you guys. Bye.