293. Why are we never happy with what we have?

Why does satisfaction always feel just out of reach? You get the job, then you want the promotion. You buy the item of clothing, then the buzz wears off. There is always something MORE on the horizon. In today’s episode, we explore the psychology behind our constant craving for more - more success, more validation, more things - and why what we already have never feels like enough. Things we discuss: Why your brain is wired for "more, more, more The Hedonic Treadmill The problem with "when...then" thinking The success void that follows meeting our goals The guilt spiral Capitalism, consumerism, and curated online lives What real, sustainable happiness looks like If you’ve ever thought “I should be happy…so why am I not?”—this episode is for you. Listen now! ORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/755841/person-in-progress-by-jemma-sbeg/ Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.

• 0:04Jemma Sbeg?

  If you've ever gone into a store for two things and walked out wondering how it cost forty seven dollars? Yeah, same. That's why some people like keeping things simple with Bank of America Advantage Safe Balance Banking. If you're under twenty five, there's no monthly maintenance fee. Plus, you can enroll in B of A rewards and enjoy benefits like cash back on brands you love. Plus fraud and identity monitoring. And there's no fees to enroll. It's one less thing to stress about. Learn more at B of A dot com slash simple banking. Member FDIC. Hey, question. Are you an extra care member at CVS? Because there is literally no reason not to be.

• 0:45Jemma Sbeg?

  It's super easy to join and members instantly get extra big deals on things you buy most. I mean, this is stuff you're already buying, things like snacks, personal care products, all of it. And after you join, the savings just show up. Deals refresh every two weeks, but they don't last long. Head to your local CVS or open the CVS app, look for extra big deals and start saving today. This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over fourteen years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy.

• 1:30Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:48Jemma Sbeg?

  These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. Your social media feed is packed with wellness trends telling you to cold plunge, protein max and so much more. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? Health versus hype from the American Medical Association breaks it all down.

• 2:10Jemma Sbeg?

  Host Trace Dominguez talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to really matters. Listen to Health vs. Hype wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our twenties. First and foremost, I want to thank you all so much for the overwhelming love and support you have had for my book,

• 2:52Jemma Sbeg?

  Person in Progress. As I am recording this, the book has been out for just under a week, and the messages and DMs I've received, the pictures from people who have found it in Germany, in Singapore, in New York, in Romania, has truly made every single moment since so unbelievably special. You know, you put a lot of love into a book, and this being my first one, I have to admit, I wasn't really sure how it was going to turn out. I'm, you know, I will happily admit that I was very, very afraid. And the day it came out was actually very anticlimactic,

• 3:35Jemma Sbeg?

  but also quite stressful. So, hearing from you all now that it's out in the world, seeing you guys with your copies, it really has been the best part of this, and it's made it all so, just so worth it. Um, it's made it like a thing of dreams, really. It's just, it's unbelievable. If you still haven't gotten a copy, it is available wherever you get your books, on Audible, Kindle, in hard copy from a bookstore. It is the easiest and most direct way to support me in the podcast, so I appreciate every single one of you who has bought it, reviewed it, spoken about it with friends, colleagues, family. It truly does all add up. Now to the episode.

• 4:20Jemma Sbeg?

  I know we were just speaking about something remarkably happy and positive. But this episode is tackling something that's somewhat adjacent, maybe, but also a bit different. It's something a lot of us struggle with silently. And that is an inability to be happy with what we have. That sense that something is always missing, the itch that won't go away. You know, you get the job and then you want a promotion. You move into a new house and then suddenly you're looking for something even better or thinking about what's not right with it. You get into a relationship and yet there's still that lingering thought. Is there something better out there for me? Is this it? If you are haunted by this type of thinking,

• 5:05Jemma Sbeg?

  you've probably found that it applies to nearly everything in your life. So many of us live in this in-between space, right? This space between where we are and where we think we should be. And that gap, it often feels like failure. Even if we've achieved so much, we end up living by this more, more, more mentality I've spoken about before. You know, once we have what we want, all we can think about is what we don't. Meaning the bar is always being raised. We always want more. We never appreciate how far we've come. So we repeatedly undervalue our progress and our happiness is the price we pay.

• 5:48Jemma Sbeg?

  I think this is also particularly compounded by the upheaval of being in our twenties, where it feels like we're in competition with everyone around us. What do they have that I don't? Why do they seem so much happier? Why does their life seem more together? How can I have that? How can I be like them? How can I feel more secure? The answer is, we will never feel secure if we don't first understand what is driving this constant sense of dissatisfaction.

• 6:18Jemma Sbeg?

  And you know what the solution? It's more than just gratitude. It's something that goes a whole lot deeper. It's probably going to surprise a few of you, actually. So my friends, I am excited to explore this psychology with you. Some of you may also know I have a podcast called Mantra. And we did a more philosophical take on this episode over there. If you finish this and you want more, mantra is like the psychology of your twenties. Soulful sister, part meditation, part inspirational. Each week we give you a new mantra to focus your attention on for the week ahead. Like some of the recent ones we've done are I release the need to do it all. I trust myself to make the best decision with what I know now.

• 7:03Jemma Sbeg?

  So many more. It's just like the most fabulous way to start your week. So don't forget to check it out after that. But without further ado, let's talk about why we never seem to be happy with what we have.

• 7:22Jemma Sbeg?

  I want to explain the feeling of never being happy with what we have first here. Because I really want to articulate how this feels in your body, in your thoughts, how it looks in your day to day life. Because if you haven't already suspected, this feeling sounds a lot like, you know, good old fashioned depression, but it is different. This contentment, happiness treadmill, as I call it, this constant pursuit of more. It's not a clinical label. Not being happy with what you have is not really something that you could be diagnosed with in the way that you could be diagnosed with a mental health disorder. But it may be a symptom of something larger.

• 8:04Jemma Sbeg?

  So to be diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, you do have to meet a number of specific criteria or exhibit a number of symptoms. A lack of satisfaction with what we have is probably going to contribute to a number of these, but it's not a symptom on its own. Depression, you know, it can make even the most remarkable moments bland because of a A number of reactions and interactions going on below the surface. So an inability to be happy with what you have may be symptomatic of that. But you can also struggle with this and constantly crave more success, more accolades, more friends, more of whatever it is.

• 8:44Jemma Sbeg?

  Whilst not being depressed, while still feeling generally kind of happy, still being able to concentrate. Not suffering from insomnia, fatigue, these kinds of things. The problem really occurs when this spirals and the dissatisfaction is all. You seem to be able to focus on all day, every day. The losses, the failures, they become the fixation for you. So there is this theory called the fifty fifty principle. Which essentially suggests that for every emotion or positive experience we have. There will be an equal experience or emotion that will be negative.

• 9:25Jemma Sbeg?

  So you get a promotion, your car gets towed, you get a free coffee, you stub your toe. You go on a great first date, you forget about your really expensive electricity bill. Quickly reflect on your last week for me here. I feel like that balance is pretty accurate. Sometimes you have months that are more negative, sometimes it makes up for it and you have months that are more positive. But it always comes back to the fifty fifty. When we are struggling with being happy with what we have. This theory would essentially suggest that it's not because nothing good or amazing is happening.

• 10:05Jemma Sbeg?

  But that we're focusing too much on the negative experience that are always going to occur. Or we forget to appreciate what is good and therefore we start seeing things that are actually positive as a letdown because. Perhaps our expectations for the fifty percent that is good in our life is just too high. So returning to what I was saying before, what does this headspace of never being happy with what we have look like? Well firstly, often what it's going to manifest as is obsessive future.

• 10:38Jemma Sbeg?

  Planning and a real difficulty staying present. This is also known as when then thinking. So when I get this, then I'll be happy. When I get the job, when I get the partner, when I get the shiny new object. This has another name. It's called the arrival fallacy. When I arrive at this arbitrary point, I will be ecstatic, my life will make sense. That point, of course, though, always keeps moving. You know, how many of us are constantly waiting for something and waiting so intently? We kind of forget that the chapter we're in now is just as sweet, it's just as important. Sometimes you really have to question, like, what is enough for me?

• 11:22Jemma Sbeg?

  What is this secret, you know, secret doorway that I will one day walk through? That will make me finally happy. Objectively, when we are experiencing a severe lack of basic needs, getting certain things like job security, more income, stable shelter, you know, that's certainly going to increase our happiness levels. The happiness jump between having very little to having enough to sustain you and then having enough to be comfortable, those jumps are very, very large. But once you are comfortable from there, we really don't realize how minor and incremental the change to our happiness level will be.

• 12:06Jemma Sbeg?

  But we place so much pressure on what are actually really small changes to transform our lives when we already have, you know, actually so much. You may also find that, you know, when you do achieve the big things that you previously told yourself would be enough for you, you still feel quite empty. I think this is actually the biggest indicator of them all. You say, you know, when I graduate from university, then my life is going to start. And then you walk across the stage. Nothing really changes. You finally get into the relationship, but you find that, you know, even the most perfect person isn't going to eliminate all other struggles in your life.

• 12:50Jemma Sbeg?

  Another indicator that you're not happy with what you have, envy or jealousy towards the people you perceive have it all. And with that, probably also some frustration and self hatred. You know, that heavy feeling in your body, that battle between, you know, feeling envious of someone else and then trying to rein it in and control your ego and then feeling envious and being like, why am I thinking this way? I'm so such a bad person, but you can't stop it and you feel guilty. It's just a constant spiral. Persistent restlessness. Now, this can manifest in a lot of things. Frequent job or relationship hopping, even constantly moving cities, countries,

• 13:34Jemma Sbeg?

  anything to find the place, the person, the thing that could finally, you know, change everything for you. This is a common thing we see in our twenties, right? Honestly, I'm guilty of it. I moved to Sydney after a breakup because I thought it would change my life. And trust me, it did not have that immediate effect. In fact, it probably made it harder in the first year. The geographic cure. Once I move to this place, I'll be happy. If I just pick up everything and move cities, my whole life will change and I'll forget about all these issues. The geographic cure is a myth. To offer you some evidence of this, in one study in two thousand and twelve,

• 14:16Jemma Sbeg?

  the researcher David Kahneman asked a group of individuals living in one part of the US, specifically the Midwest. Do you think people living in Southern California are happier? The majority of them were like, yeah, of course they are. It's beautiful, it's sunny. Who wouldn't be happier there? He then asked, do you think you'd be happier if you moved there? A majority of them said, yes, they would. But when he actually compared life satisfaction scores between the two cities, he found that they were nearly identical. So all these individuals in the Midwest, and you could replace the Midwest with really

• 14:57Jemma Sbeg?

  any country, any city, there's always going to be the, this beautiful romanticized city that we think. When we move to what will change our lives and everyone there is happy and thriving. But what he found was that actually it doesn't really change much. It's nearly identical. Location isn't the thing that is going to change your life. It's the perception of your life or the perception of the place that does that. Another study from two thousand and sixteen, this time in the UK, found something very similar, but it also found that moving cities actually makes you more stressed, more detached, more lonely. So a warning to anyone in their twenties right now.

• 15:40Jemma Sbeg?

  I'm talking to you. If you think a sudden move is going to finally make you happier. The story is a lot more complex. A few other signs here that you're struggling to find happiness with what you have. No matter how much you receive or achieve, you catastrophize small setbacks. You can be quite impulsive, especially with money. You overconsume lifestyle content that is idealistic and romanticized. You may spend more time online shopping or scrolling dating apps. And your mood is seemingly linked to your external accomplishments and what you have, rather than your internal sense of satisfaction. So if this sounds like you, I want to explain why this may be happening.

• 16:24Jemma Sbeg?

  Because it can be seriously confronting, especially when we start to perhaps realize, wait, you know, what would I need to finally be content? And if I don't get that, will I ever be happy? Is there a final destination, a final spot I wish to be? Does that even exist? So essentially, when we have this more, more, more mindset, when we can't be happy with what we have, what is occurring is something called hedonic adaptation. It's also called the hedonism treadmill. So this was first given the, given a name in the nineteen seventies by two Canadian researchers, Brickman and Campbell. And what they found is that humans, no matter what's happening in their life, you know, they could win a Grammy. They could marry the love of their life.

• 17:10Jemma Sbeg?

  They could also lose the love of their life, could lose everything. We will still typically return to a fairly stable baseline level of happiness that seems to be largely predetermined, regardless of what is happening around us. Now, this is specifically the case, or especially the case, I should say, with really happy, positive events. You know, you land your dream job, but that, the ecstasy of that doesn't last that long. You know, it's not long until you start to notice the downsides, or you get into a relationship, and it's amazing and thrilling until the novelty wears off, and then you kind of return back to that stable level. This is basically our brain's

• 17:50Jemma Sbeg?

  way of maintaining emotional balance, but it also means that we rarely feel happy and satisfied for long. The big things we think will change our life, they actually don't end up changing that much in the long term, but because we expect that they will, we also equally feel even more let down. The psychologist Sonia Lubomansky, she wrote the book The Myth of Happiness, she added on to this research, and she discovered that only around 10% of our happiness comes from external circumstances. Only 10%, around

• 18:28Jemma Sbeg?

  40% comes from attitude and your intentional mindset, 50% is actually genetically determined. Yet, that, that 10%, that is where we put most of our focus on. We think, if I just had this one more thing, I'd finally feel whole. If I just achieved this, I'd finally be happy. Once we get to it, we recalibrate, the happiness we expected doesn't last. That's hedonic adaptation at work. We're always resetting the bar. Basically, what I'm trying to say through this is it's not you, it's your human blueprint trying to kind of almost humble us, it seems. Our brain chemistry also plays a major role. Of course, if we're

• 19:10Jemma Sbeg?

  going to talk about happiness at some stage, we're going to talk about dopamine. Dopamine, it's not just the happiness chemical, it's the neurotransmitter associated with motivation, reward, and pleasure. But here's the thing that most of us don't know about dopamine, and I don't think I even ended up learning about this until I was in my third year of studying psychology.

• 19:33Jemma Sbeg?

  Your dopamine doesn't spike when you get the reward, but in anticipation of it. I was always told, you know, when you eat a chocolate bar, it makes you happy. When you do this, it makes you happy. It's the anticipation of it that makes you feel happy and the relief of finally getting it. So when you're fantasizing about the next big thing, your brain floods with dopamine. You feel excited, you feel hopeful, you feel alive, you know, think about the excitement before a first date or a big overseas trip. But once you actually get it, the dopamine drop off from that leaves you feeling flat, even disappointed.

• 20:14Jemma Sbeg?

  It's why people, you know, they go to their dream destinations, they go to Paris, they go to Thailand, they go to Rome. And they're like, I'm kind of disappointed. It's not what my, not what my expectations were. Or their wedding day or a big milestone, you know, maybe they don't end up leaving that feeling as happy as they thought they would. But this explains why we feel addicted to the act of setting very huge goals, but not necessarily fulfilled when we get the thing. We're not actually addicted to achievement. We're addicted to the feeling of almost. This can lead to something I call a success hangover. It's also known as gold medal syndrome, for a more formal name you'd find in a psychology textbook.

• 20:58Jemma Sbeg?

  Gold medal syndrome, of course, named after Olympians who worked their entire fricking lives for one moment for a gold medal. And then they get it and they're like, oh, this is it? This is all I ever wanted? Now what? What do I do after this? Every single, you know, the Olympics were, when I'm recording this last year, every single time the Olympics are on, I'm always reminded of this. And I always see people who have worked probably since they were three, four years old, finally achieved their dreams. And I'm like, oh my God, that's when the real, that's when the real work begins.

• 21:40Jemma Sbeg?

  That's when the real struggle happens because now you have to redefine yourself after getting everything you've ever wanted, but also perhaps realizing, you know, you had to fantasize about how amazing it would be in order to get to this place. It might not meet those expectations. And you know what? You don't have to win a gold medal to experience this. Let me give you one final explanation for why we are never happy with what we have. And we we kind of talked about it before, but it's something called the negativity bias. So this is a cognitive bias that we have as humans in which we constantly focus on the negative parts of life.

• 22:23Jemma Sbeg?

  Some of us more than others, if you're quite pessimistic, you'd also be doing this. Even optimism doesn't necessarily protect us from this. Yes, there are some people who are, you know, crazily optimistic and who perhaps don't see the world in a negative light. Those people are quite rare. Most of us will find that we spend a lot more time thinking about the little frustrations, the things that went wrong, the things that are stressing us out than the things that are making us feel joyful, than the things that we are happy and proud of, than the things that make our life feel quite meaningful. I know I do this. I literally released a book a week ago. And you know what I spent the whole morning thinking of?

• 23:08Jemma Sbeg?

  Oh, my God, I'm so busy. I have so many chores, this and that. You know, the microphone wasn't working this morning. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's all I thought about like, and I realized, oh, my goodness, like this negativity, negativity bias is exhausting. But it's also something that we can sometimes struggle to manage because it's how we're hardwired to think. Let's talk about this from a survival perspective. Back in the day, we're roaming the Sahara, we're roaming the mountains, the jungle. You need to focus more on what is potentially threatening, dangerous, scary if you want to survive than watching the sunset, looking at the beautiful berries, the beautiful flowers, the beautiful butterflies.

• 23:51Jemma Sbeg?

  In a modern society, though, that's no longer as protective as it was back then. Now it's actually just. I'm just gonna say it, it's a letdown. It's so annoying, so annoying. You know, when it comes to never being happy with what we have, we can also look at things like comparison. We can look at things like boredom. We could, you know, investigate the societal emphasis on materialism. I feel like these are things that we talk about a lot, though, and that we kind of have a grasp on. So I kind of wanted to explore perhaps some different explanations that may not be top of mind for you as you're kind of battling this constant need for more, this constant need to achieve,

• 24:36Jemma Sbeg?

  this constant sense of dissatisfaction with what you have, even if it's what, you know, a past version of yourself could only have ever dreamed of. So we are gonna take a short break, but when we return, let's talk the consequences of this. Let's also talk the solution because it's probably a little bit different to what you're expecting. Stay tuned.

• 25:04Jemma Sbeg?

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• 25:46Jemma Sbeg?

  What's more, with Safe Balance Banking, you could enroll in B of A Rewards and enjoy cash back deals plus fraud and identity monitoring. If you are in that phase of, I'm trying to get my life together financially, Bank of America Advantage Safe Balance Banking is a really solid place to start. Learn more at bofa.com/simplebanking. Member FDIC.

• 26:11Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favourite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 26:48Jemma Sbeg?

  These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. And we've all gone down an internet rabbit hole exploring the latest health trends. Your social media feed is packed with wellness advice, telling you to cold plunge, protein max, detox, track your sleep. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? That's exactly what Health vs. Hype from the American Medical Association and iHeartMedia's Ruby Studio is here to find out. Each episode, Emmy nominated science communicator Trace Dominguez, who's racked up billions of views across PBS, Discovery Channel and YouTube, talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors,

• 27:32Jemma Sbeg?

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• 28:14Jemma Sbeg?

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• 28:55Jemma Sbeg?

  So what exactly are the consequences of this if it isn't already obvious? Well, the first big one is that, well, obviously you're unhappy all the time, which, you know, isn't really great. It's not how we want to live our lives. The second, though, is extreme guilt. Guilt around the fact that you are unhappy without being able to change the fact that you're unhappy because you feel too guilty about it. Now, I think this is especially the case if you can recognize that actually you do have quite a lot and that there is a lot for you to be grateful for and, you know, you have all these things that people themselves admire and are seeking, but you just can't feel good about it.

• 29:40Jemma Sbeg?

  That's a hard one because rationally you know you have a reason to be happy, but somewhere deep down you can't be. And that's going to create these sensations of frustration with yourself, but also the sense that like, I'm not grateful enough. And so I must be a bad person. I must be a bad person for not being able to appreciate this. I think sometimes as well, I have this sense that if I don't feel incredibly grateful and happy about what I have, somehow that's going to mean it's taken away from me, kind of like I'm an ungrateful child. I don't know. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I remember being a kid and opening like a present at Christmas and I was like, oh, what is this?

• 30:25Jemma Sbeg?

  And I, I was like not grateful for it and like my granddad like took it away. Was like, well, if you're not grateful for things, they, like you don't deserve them. And now as an adult, I'm like, wow, that really stuck with me. Like, if I don't feel happy about everything I have, I feel extreme guilt because I know someone is doing it a whole lot worse. But also then I feel a lot of fear that it's somehow this like cosmic power is gonna come down and take it away from me, you know, God, the universe, something. It also results in a lot of burnout and perfectionism, procrastination. The three horsemen of the productivity apocalypse.

• 31:08Jemma Sbeg?

  If you're constantly pushing yourself for more, if you're constantly raising the bar, setting a new milestone landmark, setting some new goal. The thing is, is that it's gonna start feeling more and more like a race. And it's gonna start having a deeper sense of urgency. Because your happiness is at stake here. And you're going to push and push and push yourself until something has to give. But for you, even when it does give, it's probably not a, not an option for you to rest. It's not an option for you to reevaluate because you have tied so much of your life satisfaction to the fulfillment of goals, rather than to the experience of existing.

• 31:53Jemma Sbeg?

  And it's something I see a lot of people suffer from. Now, the more you find yourself in this cycle as well, the more pessimistic you actually become about the world. You know, you're constantly raising the bar. Perhaps you are meeting the bar, and then of course raising it, but you are achieving certain things. And you're still feeling unhappy and you start to then spiral and think, well, if this doesn't do it, what is? If I finally have this thing and this wasn't it, at some stage, there's not gonna be anything more. Or at some stage, there's gonna be a goal I can't reach, I can't meet. Does that mean I'm gonna be in a perpetual state of misery?

• 32:39Jemma Sbeg?

  It's a pretty big question to ask yourself and it's one that's pretty hard to answer and will probably lead to quite a lot of sadness. So let's talk about the solution. I took you low there, I took you to a low point. Let's take us back to the high point. Gratitude is often the solution people will offer you. And it is a pretty brilliant one. You know, it is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Many studies, including one from, I think it was UC Berkeley, found that gratitude can actually physically alter your brain and neural connections, which is just insanely spectacular. In another study, um, the same university, University of California Berkeley,

• 33:19Jemma Sbeg?

  recruited three hundred participants and asked one third of them to write gratitude letters, one third to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings, and another, they didn't ask them to write anything. And they did find that those who wrote gratitude letters, um, they were significantly happier four weeks and twelve weeks after this exercise had ended. So those results really do speak for themselves. But I have also found that sometimes I do need to go deeper to get myself out of this funk. It's not to discredit gratitude as an important practice. And of course, I think that is the first step to addressing this. If it doesn't work though, what's really helped me get to that next level

• 34:02Jemma Sbeg?

  is actually accepting and in fact celebrating negative emotions as much as I do positive ones. Which sounds counterintuitive, but let me give you my word here. Let me promise you, it works. And it's the same principle behind acceptance and commitment therapy, a very common kind of therapy, which invites people to open their door to unpleasant feelings instead of feeling trapped by them. Why do we feel so trapped by being unhappy? You know, it doesn't feel great, but really what's, if we were to look that feeling in the eye. Would it really be able to hurt us? You know, it's kind of counterintuitive, right? Unpleasant emotions equal bad. We run away from unpleasant smells, sights, tastes.

• 34:47Jemma Sbeg?

  But here we're meant to run towards it? Well, yeah, and it works because half the reason unpleasant, uncomfortable emotions feel so bad is because A, we're scared of them and that fear makes up more of the unpleasantness than the actual emotion does. And B, when we avoid them, we don't develop the strategies to sit with negative emotions when they do occur, which means that when they break through the internal walls that we put up, which they will eventually, they feel even stronger and worse. And that reinforces this initial appraisal and belief that they are bad. Here's the thing, and I'm going to say it again. Why do we view not being happy all the time as a terrible thing?

• 35:31Jemma Sbeg?

  You know, sure, it doesn't feel amazing when it's all the time. When it comes to not being able to appreciate hard-earned successes, it is pretty exhausting. But happiness is not the only important emotion. Sadness, nostalgia, boredom, confusion, disgust, entrainment, surprise, relief, romance. They are all so beautiful. They're like our minds' children. They each serve such an important purpose. So I need you to lean into experiencing every emotion. Be curious about it. Think of your life as a very rich tapestry. You know, if you were happy all the time, that would mean that the tapestry is just one color. Let's say it's just yellow.

• 36:15Jemma Sbeg?

  It's fine, yellow's a beautiful color, but we want blues, we want reds, purples, greens, every hue to make it interesting, to make life interesting, to make that tapestry, you know, something that's fun to look at. I have found, and this is the easiest way to gain deeper appreciation for the small things, which is really what we're after here, not just the big things, that when you do appreciate and lean into unhappiness, sadness, disappointment, and you really like make it an experience for you, you get better at noticing happiness because all of your energy isn't going towards making sure happiness isn't the only flavor or color.

• 36:58Jemma Sbeg?

  I think that's really, really important here. When we struggle with never being happy with what we have, I think it's because we believe somehow that we need to always be happy, that we need to always feel fulfilled. And that's why we are let down by, you know, the lack of satisfaction that sometimes comes from the big things. Now, I introduced a caveat before about that success hangover we've spoken about. I think this has another kind of cure. And that is to name your enough point. And I want to restate that because I know I mentioned it before, but I want it to have its own segment in this section. Before you set a goal, before you decide that something is worthy of achieving

• 37:43Jemma Sbeg?

  or something that you want to work towards, I want you to seriously ask yourself, what would enough look like for you? Define it before your brain moves the goalpost. Write it down, please. For me, what is enough for you? What is enough money? What are enough friends? What is enough in a relationship? What is enough in your career? What is enough just for right now? Like, obviously, it will evolve as you get older. But at some point, I need you to sit and acknowledge that you have come very, very far and that you have achieved many, many beautiful things. A really beautiful exercise for me,

• 38:26Jemma Sbeg?

  and it's one that made me so emotional recently with the book and everything, was just thinking, if I could have a one-on-one conversation with my childhood self, what would I tell them? And what would they just be so ecstatic by? And how would they view me? And what are the things that they would just never believe? Even my teenage self. There is something that you have completed and done and succeeded at that a younger version of you would just be like gobsmacked by. Keep those small achievements that sometimes we don't even appreciate in the moment at the centre of your mind, put them somewhere where you can think about them, read them,

• 39:09Jemma Sbeg?

  view them, because I don't want us to be, I don't want us to be in the game of forgetting because we're constantly trying to push ourselves further. Sometimes I think that there is this fear of being happy because we think that, well, if I was happy, I wouldn't be able to push myself anymore. I think it's particularly common amongst high achievers, people who really push themselves. There's this cruel thing that we've realised at some stage that if you dislike yourself and if you are dissatisfied, perpetually in a state of dissatisfaction, well, then you're constantly going to be in a state of trying to get out of that state, right?

• 39:53Jemma Sbeg?

  Like, if you are unhappy, if you are trying to prove something, that's great motivation for you, being happy and content. Well, we think sometimes that would mean that we would become lazy. That's not true. I'm in a study that found that people who are more fulfilled, content and satisfied with their life are actually almost twenty seven percent more productive in their day to day lives. So it's not something to be afraid of. You're not going to lose your motivation, you're not going to lose your efficiency and your productive edge. Another thing that's been very, very helpful for me and for other people that I've spoken

• 40:34Jemma Sbeg?

  to as well, when dealing with this happiness conundrum, is to start a weird ritual. Instead of constantly focusing on what you could have and what you could achieve, start something that has nothing to do with any of those things. I heard about this recently from the author, Michael Norton, who wrote the book, The Ritual Effect. And essentially what he says is that when you focus on something other than what you want or what you have, and instead focus on something that you can do and can enjoy, our lives get significantly better. Some of the ideas for a ritual he had, and this is my favorite one, was to do mini versions of what you would do on a vacation.

• 41:18Jemma Sbeg?

  So go to the local pool, make yourself like a budget version of that holiday cocktail you loved. Commit to maybe doing a touristy thing in your city each weekend. Or you can get into the ritual of hosting an event once a month for friends. I do this, it's amazing. One of my friends, I've seen this on TikTok, does like a coffee shop in her house once a month. I do like a games art themed night once a month. You know, you just need to get involved in the act of doing rather than achieving. You know who some of the happiest and most content people are in the world? It's those who are grounded in doing rather than having.

• 41:59Jemma Sbeg?

  One group I always think of hobbyists, not professionals, not competitive hobbyists, just hobbyists. People who like bird watching, people who like, like reading, rock climbers, like, um, what's another one? Like cyclists, like those people seem so happy because they just enjoy doing something that gets them out of their mind. And that there is very limited competition in, especially if you're just doing it for the joy of it. Doing it for their own sense of love and attachment and excitement with the thing. So if you are struggling with this happiness treadmill, you're not happy with what you have.

• 42:42Jemma Sbeg?

  You're constantly looking for more. I need you to take a step back right now. I need you to take a step back, survey your life. When was some, when was the last time you did something just for the joy of it? Like seriously, ask yourself, when was the last time you looked at your to do list and said, I'm not gonna do any of that. Today, I'm actually gonna go and do something fun, something I want to do. Maybe that's your ritual, the day of no to do lists, a day a week where there is nothing planned, you just get to dilly dally, dilly dally and dawdle and explore and experience. Okay, we're gonna take another short break, but when we return,

• 43:25Jemma Sbeg?

  I wanna talk about some of the amazing listener questions that you guys had on this topic. So stay tuned.

• 43:38Jemma Sbeg?

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• 44:23Jemma Sbeg?

  B of A Rewards and enjoy cash back deals plus fraud and identity monitoring. If you are in that phase of, I'm trying to get my life together financially, Bank of America Advantage Safe Balance Banking is a really solid place to start. Learn more at BofA.com/simplebanking. Member FDIC. This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on, and

• 45:06Jemma Sbeg?

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• 45:22Jemma Sbeg?

  These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. And we've all gone down an internet rabbit hole exploring the latest health trends. Your social media feed is packed with wellness advice, telling you to coplunge, protein max, detox, track your sleep. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? That's exactly what health versus From the American Medical Association and iHeart Media's Ruby Studio is here to find out. Each episode, Emmy nominated science communicator Trace Dominguez, who's racked up billions of views across PBS, Discovery Channel and YouTube, talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors,

• 46:06Jemma Sbeg?

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• 46:22Jemma Sbeg?

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• 47:07Jemma Sbeg?

  that make membership feel rewarding long before takeoff and long after landing. Because Sky Miles is more than a travel program, it is a membership that moves with you. Fly farther, earn every day, redeem your way and access more. Because when your membership is as unique as you are, there's no telling where your next journey will take you.

• 47:29Jemma Sbeg?

  Okay, it's time for everyone's favorite segment, our listener questions. This first question, which I love and which we haven't spoken about very much at all in this topic so far, is, what is the impact of consumerism? A huge, huge point that I'm so glad you brought up, so I didn't accidentally miss it. I blame consumerism for quite a bit of this, specifically when it comes to not being happy with obviously material goods. The current climate that we live in, the current society that we live in, is obsessed with quantity

• 48:11Jemma Sbeg?

  and with having more and with displaying wealth through the new shiny object, the new trending item, the new viral item. This is gonna maybe upset some people, but oh my gosh, the thing that always frustrates me whenever I'm on Instagram or TikTok is people who are like, you need this viral dress in every single color. You need this new item, like here's my, you know, insane clothing haul. Let's refresh my apartment for Easter or for spring and go and buy all this new stuff. Like here is this life-changing product. I'm like, oh my goodness, you don't need that. You don't need these things.

• 48:55Jemma Sbeg?

  Like, I'm sure it makes these people very, very happy, but like we said at the beginning, consuming too much of that content is what can contribute to struggling to be happy with what you have. Because there's constantly going to be someone who has more. And there's also, you know, given, given that social media is now a job, this person is trying and a lot of individuals online are trying to get you to buy these things and trying to sell you something, if not directly, indirectly through themselves as a brand. Let me just say this, we definitely don't need as much as is being sold to us.

• 49:39Jemma Sbeg?

  And if you're not careful enough, you will end up buying into this narrative that having this, you know, item, having this new thing is gonna make you happy, leaning to perpetual dissatisfaction. You know, consumer culture is built on the idea that what we currently own or experience isn't enough and that buying something will make us happier. It's how impulse spending, chronic overspending, chronic shopping addictions occur. It's identity and the pursuit of happiness through possessions.

• 50:17Jemma Sbeg?

  Equating what we have to how we should be feeling. So I think there is definitely a large intersection between your consumerist culture and also dissatisfaction and not being happy with what you have. This next question has to do with body image. So if there's something, this is something that you're sensitive to, skip ahead a couple of minutes. But how does never being happy with what we have tie into physical appearance? This is a component we haven't spoken about yet, but never being happy with what we have doesn't just come down to achievements or material possessions. It can also come down to how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive our bodies.

• 51:01Jemma Sbeg?

  This is again, I think symptomatic of the society we live in. The idea of the perfect body is constantly changing. And yet we are expected to mold our appearance into whatever shape, form, size, image that it's meant to be right now. That's not possible. You know, think about it like you cannot add height, add inches, immediately take off thirty kilos and then put it back on when it comes back in style. Like our bodies are becoming these, you know, becoming just something that is only made to be viewed and made to be shaped and formed and molded into a trend. And it's not our fault for, for buying into it.

• 51:47Jemma Sbeg?

  Because when you meet the trend, it feels like you're doing something right. It feels like you'll be praised more. People will think you're beautiful. Perhaps you'll, you know, experience a bit of pretty privilege, some perks. Who doesn't want that? But this is a reminder that again, your body is not a trend. And if you're struggling with being happy with your appearance and just being happy with and content with where you are now. I think it's time to probably tune out some of those, some of the sources of this lack of satisfaction. Um, I'm just gonna say it, unfollow the Kardashians, please and thank you. They are such a, um.

• 52:31Jemma Sbeg?

  So representative of this, but also unfollow certain pages, Instagram feeds, TikToks, block content that is going to make you feel like you need to opt into this. And remember to add some realism into what you're consuming. Filters and the technology we have nowadays mean that the person who's filming or, you know, displaying this video probably doesn't even look like that them themselves. And also, even if they do, someone else's beauty does not mean that you don't have beauty as well. You know, there's not like objectively one flower that is the most beautiful or one dog or one cat or one horse that is the most beautiful.

• 53:16Jemma Sbeg?

  And because they're beautiful, it means that nothing else and no one else and no other option has value. Like this all or nothing thinking when it comes to beauty, specifically someone else's appearance can get us into a lot of trouble. Obviously, this, I need a lot more time to talk about this, but I do think that it's important to point out that this definitely applies. We could even talk about body dysmorphia here, but I've done a whole episode on that. If this specific intersection between never being happy with what you have and physical appearance is calling to you and something you want to hear about, listen to the body dysmorphia episode. All right, this next question, how do I stop treating life as a checklist and feeling like

• 53:59Jemma Sbeg?

  if I'm not ticking things off the list, I am not allowed to be happy? Gosh, is this not the biggest question that so many of us face in our twenties? I was talking to someone about this at a book event the other day and I was like, wow, it just feels like every single one of us is running out of time to do the millions of different things that people have told we need to do in our twenties, when actually some of them are not even compatible. It's like, well, you need to do solo travel, you need to solo travel, but you also should have kids before you turn thirty. And you need to date around and experience like different kinds of love, but also you should have a partner. And you need to figure out your career and have a stable career progression, but also let loose a little bit.

• 54:45Jemma Sbeg?

  The checklist, oh my God, it's so intense sometimes. What I will say is this, the best thing you can do for yourself is just to choose something you really want to do and pursue it. And to just find a way to incorporate experiences you actually wanna have along the way. Don't get too caught up in what everyone else is doing and whether that's gonna make you happy. Trust your intuition. There are certain things that probably won't make you happy and that you probably can skip over. And for the things that you might actually really think that you'll enjoy, you have time to experience them.

• 55:26Jemma Sbeg?

  Our twenties are not the only decade in which we have time, space, energy, resources to do the things we wanna do. In fact, the older we get, we probably will be making more money. We will probably have more flexibility when it comes to checking off some important bucket list items for ourselves. So just because you are not where you are right now, just because you haven't done everything that you've wanted to do this far, doesn't mean it's not going to happen. If you checked everything off the checklist now, before your life has even really begun, what's there left to do? It's important to actually take your time, appreciate the journey. All right, we have time for one final question.

• 56:10Jemma Sbeg?

  How does never being happy with what we have relate to tall puppy syndrome? Does tall puppy syndrome come into play? So this is an Australian phrase for my non-Australian listeners. It's one of my favorite phrases. Essentially, what it means is that the tallest flowers are the ones that are cut down first. When someone is going to make a bouquet, when someone wants some fresh flowers, they're gonna choose the ones that stick out. So when it comes to human beings or people, if you are too open and honest and brash with your success and your accomplishments, you're gonna be cut down. You're gonna stick out from the herd. You're gonna be taken down for that.

• 56:54Jemma Sbeg?

  It's a huge thing in Australia. It's probably a big thing in other countries that just might have other terms. Um, I think this comes into play with never being happy with what you have because sometimes you're taught to downplay your successes and downplay your achievements to not piss people off. Um, you know, there is a fine line to walk here between humility and also confidence and being like, you know what? I really, I am cool and I do cool things and I am proud of myself. Tall Poppy Syndrome can make you feel like I need to be small for other people's sake, but also to protect myself. What I say to this is that personal acknowledgement and personal

• 57:40Jemma Sbeg?

  pride in what you're doing goes a long way. Um, I also, and you know what? I'm gonna say it. You can brag about yourself. Brag a little. It's okay. The people who really support you will be so proud of you. Anytime one of my friends comes with me with good news or what they think is a brag, I'm so fricking pumped for them. Being proud of yourself openly is such a good litmus test for understanding who is really on your side and who sees your achievements and your accomplishments and your, the cool things you're doing as a win for them because they get to be in your presence.

• 58:21Jemma Sbeg?

  So I don't think it's arrogant to sometimes just say, I work really hard. I do cool stuff. I'm creative. I'm kind. I'm generous. That's not ego. That's confidence. And I think there's time, there's a time and a place for it. And if we always suppress everything and keep it hidden, perhaps we will fall into this dissatisfaction trap or that success void that we were speaking about.

• 58:50Jemma Sbeg?

  Well, my lovely listeners, I think that is truly all we have time for today. We have covered oh so much and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Make sure to check out my book, Person in Progress, and check out the companion episode to this episode on mantra. It's titled, I Allow Myself to Be Happy with What I Have. If you want more affirmations and more inspiration to commit to just being satisfied with the little things and with what you've achieved so far, I feel like that episode is going to be amazing for that. If you have further episode suggestions, we are always on the hunt for great ideas. Feel free to DM me on Instagram at @thatpsychologypodcast. We also post a listener question box once a week

• 59:35Jemma Sbeg?

  for our upcoming episodes, which is where we got the questions for today's episode from. So if you want to contribute and hear your question in an episode, an upcoming episode, again, make sure you're following me. And hey, hello, if you have made it this far, I'm talking to you, you're one of the lucky ones. Our emoji for this week that I want you to drop in the comments below, if you have made it this far, is a broccoli stem. I just went grocery shopping before I recorded this episode and the thing on the top of my list was broccoli. So you guys are clued in on that. Drop a broccoli down below if you've made it this far. Thank you for listening. Until next time, stay safe, be kind. Most importantly, be happy, be gentle to yourself,

• 1:00:18Jemma Sbeg?

  celebrate your accomplishments, know when enough is enough. And we will talk very, very soon.

• 1:00:29Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:01:07Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favourite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 1:01:44Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:02:29Jemma Sbeg?

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