Can You Forgive Them? | Watching the Wise

“They hurt you, your parents. Everyone’s did. Some in big ways, some in small ways. It’s just a fact. As the poet Philip Larkin wrote, ‘They f**k you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had and add some extra, just for you.’”Ryan discusses the universal damage that parents do to their kids, why we should do our best to forgive them, and reads The Daily Stoic’s entry of the day, on today’s Daily Stoic Podcast. This episode is brought to you by LMNT, the maker of electrolyte drink mixes that help you stay active at home, work, the gym, or anywhere else. Electrolytes are a key part of a happy, healthy body. LMNT was developed by co-founder Robb Wolf, a former research biochemist and 2X NY Times best seller. Right now you can receive a free LMNT Sample Pack for only $5 for shipping. To claim this exclusive deal you must go to drinkLMNT.com/dailystoic. This deal is only valid for the month of January. Get your FREE Sample Pack now. If you don’t love it, they will refund your $5 no questions asked.***If you enjoyed this week’s podcast, we’d love for you to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It helps with our visibility, and the more people listen to the podcast, the more we can invest into it and make it even better. Sign up for the Daily Stoic email: http://DailyStoic.com/signupFollow Daily Stoic:Twitter: https://twitter.com/dailystoicInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dailystoic/Facebook: http://facebook.com/dailystoicYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/dailystoicSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. 📢 Share | ⚙️ Manage Subscription

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:04Ryan Holiday?

  Welcome to another episode of the Daily Stoic Podcast. On Thursdays, we do double duty, not just reading our daily meditation, but also reading a passage from the book, The Daily Stoic, 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living, which I wrote with my wonderful co-author and collaborator, Stephen Hanselman. And so today, we'll give you a quick meditation from one of the Stoics, from Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and some analysis from me. And then we send you out into the world to do your best to turn these words into works. I wanted to talk to you. Can you forgive them? They hurt you, your parents, everyone's did.

• 0:48Ryan Holiday?

  Some in big ways, some in small ways. It's just a fact. As the poet Philip Larkin wrote, "They fuck you up, your mom and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had and add some extra just for you." Clearly, Marcus Aurelius was not a perfect father. Seneca's father must have been a tough man to grow up with. A towering figure with so much ambition, such strong opinions on what his son should do. And back to Marcus Aurelius, there was a man who lost his own father early and then ended up with Hadrian and Antoninus as his stepfathers, whom he admired but also struggled with. You think that he didn't have complicated issues about that? Possibly some anger? This pain is real.

• 1:32Ryan Holiday?

  It's not fair, but we have to figure out how to process it, how to move past it. Stoicism is not, as we have discussed, simply the stuffing down of one's emotions. It's not pretending that feelings don't exist. The comedian Pete Holmes, who we talked to on the Daily Stoic Podcast recently, has gone to great lengths to process the similar and timeless feelings he has about his own parents. As he explained to me, every time he thinks about his parents or talks to them, he says to himself, "I forgive you, I forgive you." It's an active process, something he is constantly... ...constantly working on willing himself towards because it won't happen on its

• 2:14Ryan Holiday?

  own, because it's vitally important if he wants to be a good father himself and not be made miserable in the present by old wounds from the past. Forgiveness is a critical part of that virtue of justice to the Stoics, but it's hard. It doesn't just happen. It's something we have to work on. We have to will ourselves to do, as Pete said, and we have to start today.

• 2:41Ryan Holiday?

  Watching the wise take a good, hard look at people's ruling principle, especially of the wise, what they run away from and what they seek out. That's Marcus Aurelius Meditations 4.38. Seneca has said, "Without a ruler to do it against, you can't make crooked straight." That is the role of wise people in our lives, to serve as a model and an inspiration, to bounce our ideas off and test our presumptions. Who that person will be for you is up to you. Perhaps it's your father or your mother. Maybe it's a philosopher or a writer or a thinker. Maybe it's WWJD. What would Jesus do? Doesn't matter what the right model is for you. Pick someone. Watch what they do. Watch what they don't do. Do your best to do the same.

• 3:27Ryan Holiday?

  The theme of this month in The Daily Stoic is this idea of clarity, right? Are you taking time to cultivate clarity in your life? Are you finding the clarity of examples? Are you finding clarity by asking yourself questions? Are you finding clarity by taking that time to journal and reflect? And if you're not, how are you going to make crooked straight? That's Seneca's question. You putting the day up for review? Are you starting the day right? Do you have some heroes who you celebrate, you put up on your wall? You know, that's why we sell the Seneca statue in the store. I've got the Marcus Aurelius statue by a desk. What are you measuring yourself against?

• 4:11Ryan Holiday?

  Whose example are you following? Whose footsteps are you following in? Seneca talks about how we don't choose who our parents are, but we choose whose children we decide to be. And I think that's beautiful. And that's why you said you want to find heroes. You want to find wise people whose example gives you clarity. And with that clarity, you'll make better decisions, you'll be happier. And to go back to what we were talking about last week, you'll have a stronger sense of the path you should be on. You won't be distracted by the paths that crisscross yours. And that will give you tranquility, that will give you insight, that will give you purpose, and will help you with difficult decisions. So I hope you are watching the wise, because if you're not watching the wise, who are you watching?

• 4:53Ryan Holiday?

  You're either looking in the mirror too often, or you're following the wrong example. You're following the fools. And, well, that's not a good idea either. So I will talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to the Daily Stoic Podcast. Just a reminder, we've got signed copies of all my books in the Daily Stoic store. You can get them personalized, you can get them sent to a friend, whatever you want. We'd love for you to have a copy. I know I love signed copies of some of my favorite books. If you love a signed copy of The Obstacle is the Way, Ego is the Enemy, Stillness is the Key, the leather-bound edition of the Daily Stoic, we have them all in the Daily Stoic store, which you can check out at store.dailystoic.com.