My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A wife concerned about her husband’s lack of personal drive · A woman struggling with the idea of moving out of her parents’ house · A woman wondering how to navigate social situations while newly sober Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I wanted to reach out and see how I can help my husband develop passion or drive outside of our family.

• 0:12Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, do you feel like you're losing life inside your own skin? Millions of women listening to this just stopped and they're like, "I wish my husband would just talk like that." What in the world's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from all over the planet. On your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you've got going on in your life. For 20-plus years, I've been sitting with hurting people and the wheels have fallen off and people are just trying to figure out what's the next right move. That's what this show is about, real people going through real challenges.

• 0:51Dr. John Delony?

  Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com/ask. johndeloney.com/ask. Let's go out to McKinney, Texas, and talk to Not So Plain Jane. What's up, Jane?

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Hey, hey, doing good. Thanks so much for having me.

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. What's up?

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, so I wanted to reach out and see how I can help my husband develop passion or drive outside of our family.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh. My short answer is you can't, but tell me more. Tell me more.

• 1:28Speaker 00

  Okay. So, yeah, I recently got the idea from Rachel Cruz on her Instagram. Saw her and Winston have their annual planning date, and so I brought that to my husband and said, "Hey, I think we should do this. Just talk about our goals, finances, planning for the year, what that could look like for us." And so, we did that, and it's our first time to really do something like that. And so, you know, I didn't say, "Hey, come prepared with, you know, three goals," or anything like that, which is kind of more brainstorming, you know? Let's just see how this goes. But when I, you know, asked him, "Hey, what are maybe some personal goals for you for the year?" He didn't really have any. And so, I tried to kind of press into that and...

• 2:16Speaker 00

  You know, hi- his response to me, which I love, um, he, he said, I just wanna, you know, come home from work, hang out with my best friends, which is me and our two kids, um, and just raise my, my boys up in a Christian household. And so I, uh, definitely admire that. And, um, you know, it was just more of like, I was like, hey, if we could go anywhere on a trip, you know, outside of finances or, or, you know, time restrictions or anything like that. And he's like, hey, you know, it's not really my season to travel or anything. I just wanna be at home and spend time with my family.

• 2:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'm trying to think like, man, um,

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  Like, millions of women listening to this just stopped and they're like,

• 3:01Dr. John Delony?

  I wish my husband would just say talk like that. So tell, tell me, tell me what you were hoping or wishing he would have said.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I think even just simple, like, um, you know, you know, goals or anything for himself, but you know, at work, he just wants to, you know, he doesn't really wanna, you know, move up in management or, you know, any, any professional goals, you know, anything move up that is kinda like status quo, but he does not like his job at all. So, um, you know, I'll, you know, try and help him, you know, we can look for a different job or, or do that. But he's like, no, it's fine. I'll just do that. You know, it's providing for my family. So I'm like, okay. Um, or, you know, I mean, he doesn't really have a good set of good guy friends to where he can, you know, pick up the phone and say,

• 3:51Speaker 00

  hey, let's go play golf this weekend or something like that. You know, just small, small things like that. Um, just, I guess that community or have that group of guys for accountability. So I don't know. I just feel the pressure of, of, I, I mean, yeah, I, I just said, I, I don't think I can create those goals or anything for him. But if there was anything I could do to encourage him to, you know, um, I don't know, some hobbies or do something for himself, I guess, or just saying, uh,

• 4:21Dr. John Delony?

  What, what, where?

• 4:25Dr. John Delony?

  Where's your source of, I don't say discontent from, but tell me some of your goals?

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, so, you know, right now, I'm, you know, I've got a six-month-old, but trying to get back into running, so I'm training for a half marathon at the end of the year.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  That's one, one kind of goal, and, you know, obviously, just spending time with our kids too, you know, spending time with family, but, you know, my husband, he doesn't cook or anything, so, I mean, I'm trying to figure out some recipes that are good for our family and that the boys will actually eat.

• 5:05Dr. John Delony?

  So you seem like incredibly nice. Are you like, do people say that you're a nice person?

• 5:11Speaker 00

  All the time, yes.

• 5:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you sound nice. So, can you, and, and, and kind and nice are different things, right? And I'm certain that you're kind, but you're also very nice. Would you play a game with me where you, um, all right, take, take your hands right now and put them over your ears real quick?

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And I want you to pretend you're taking off a mask that is nice.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:41Dr. John Delony?

  And you set it down on the table, okay?

• 5:45Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to be, and you probably don't have, never given yourself permission to be this, and I'm not even saying this is a good idea, but just for, just for fun, just for a game.

• 5:59Dr. John Delony?

  Pretend you're a fried, exhausted mother of three with a six-month-old.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:10Dr. John Delony?

  If you could just speak out into the world, what you wish your husband was helping with, providing for you, offering to your family, what would it be?

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Um...

• 6:25Dr. John Delony?

  Let it come from your guts, not from nice.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Um, it would be,

• 6:36Speaker 00

  um, help with shared household chores around the house.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, keep going.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  Um, you know, it'd be cooking dinner one night.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, those are tasks. Go beneath the tasks.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Um,

• 6:59Speaker 00

  uh, just having a real conversation with me.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, keep going. What does that mean?

• 7:04Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, just getting beneath the surface, you know, taking them, like, having a non-superficial conversation, I guess, just talking about needs and wants and desires.

• 7:17Dr. John Delony?

  What do you need and want?

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Um,

• 7:25Speaker 00

  well, I guess I've never allowed myself to think in this, um, in this way.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  What do you need and want? Stop thinking. Now you're starting to go get nice again. What do you need and want?

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Okay, uh, connection. Um.

• 7:39Dr. John Delony?

  That's like, uh, that's off of, like, a, a Google word. What does that mean to you? What does that look like?

• 7:45Speaker 00

  Um,

• 7:49Speaker 00

  just, I guess, I don't know, yeah, getting, getting back to our, like, focusing on our marriage. I don't know, sitting on the couch and having a conversation versus scrolling on our phone.

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  Um.

• 8:07Dr. John Delony?

  Are you, are you sensing the, um, the oxygen in your marriage is getting thin now that things have changed in your house?

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 8:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:18Dr. John Delony?

  Do you see a man that you love dearly and almost like the lights are going out?

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:30Dr. John Delony?

  Do you feel like you're losing life inside your own skin?

• 8:36Speaker 00

  Um.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  The word that keeps coming to mind is that you're looking for passion inside your house.

• 8:42Dr. John Delony?

  And you'd almost rather a reckless, and I say this reckless with a smile on my face, not in a bad way, but like a reckless dreamer who is always saying, and then this, and then we're gonna do this, and we're gonna do this.

• 8:54Dr. John Delony?

  And you'd rather be saying, hey, slow down, we have three little kids, versus, I'm good, man.

• 8:59Dr. John Delony?

  When's dinner?

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:04Dr. John Delony?

  Does that sound right?

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Yes, mhm.

• 9:09Dr. John Delony?

  So, A, I want you to know, you got three kids, is that right, three little ones?

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Yes, mhm.

• 9:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:18Dr. John Delony?

  I guess what I would tell you, the first one, first off, is I don't think your marriage is broken, okay? I don't think you're messed up, I don't think your husband's messed up. I think y'all have found yourself where millions and millions and millions of American couples find themselves, okay?

• 9:35Dr. John Delony?

  And that is, your entire life has changed, and he hasn't changed. He doesn't understand that it's changed. And you open up your toolkit, and inside your toolkit, from probably your entire childhood experience,

• 9:51Dr. John Delony?

  the one big tool that you have that has solved most of the problems in your life is niceness.

• 9:57Dr. John Delony?

  I won't be seen, I'll make sure everybody else is okay, and I'm gonna go to bed.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  And then I'll get up in the morning, and I'll be nice, and we'll repeat this cycle. Does that sound familiar?

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And then he's opening up his toolkit, because by the way, he feels his marriage very different too. He opens up his toolkit, and it just says, keep going to work, and shut your mouth. And he shuts it back.

• 10:22Dr. John Delony?

  And what happens here is, is that most couples, most individuals inside of a partnership, hope and pray that the other partner will just read their mind. Because that's what Hollywood told us would happen. If it was true love, and if the relationship still meant something, that we would just read each other's mind. And unfortunately, that's a great cosmic joke that Hollywood played on us. It's not real.

• 10:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so the only path forward I've seen a couple, and by the way, I've seen couple after couple after couple after couple, light the, relight the passion on fire in their house in an amazing way.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  But it starts with somebody deciding, you've heard me say this a lot on the show, turning the lights on, turning the music off, stopping the dance that we're in right now, which is, he's got a pretty good life, but he doesn't feel alive in his own skin. You've got a pretty good life. You don't feel alive in your own skin. He has a wife that takes care of the kids and puts dinner on the table. You've got a husband that loves being at home, loves you, loves the kids, loves having his dinner and he goes to a job he hates, but he's providing for the family. And then it's real easy for you to sit down one night in a moment of a teeny tiny sliver of, that rare moment you have, right? Of by yourself and you think, oh God, this is the next 50 years of our life. We're gonna wake up and be 70.

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  And then you sit down and wanna have like a big dreaming session and stuff and he looks in his toolkit. He's like, I don't know, my life's pretty good.

• 11:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so the only way I've seen this thing work is one person say to the other, I love you and here's some magic words, I miss you.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to have the courage to say, not, hey, well, what do you want? Hoping that he puts on the table what you want him to want. And instead say, we have three little kids. You have a job that you hate. And I think I won the lottery marrying you and

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  I don't wanna be married to somebody who hates getting up and going to work every day.

• 12:33Dr. John Delony?

  I wanna support you as you begin to dream about what job might be, what your job might become, what salary might become, a house we might wanna live in one day. I wanna have a family that we go on vacations all the time. And right now, all we can afford is a K O A, great. A campground of America, great. Your job is to research it and pick it. Is he a video gamer?

• 12:56Speaker 00

  Yes, he is.

• 12:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so he's Xanax-ing when he gets home from his family, okay?

• 13:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  And so, "I want us to play one game a night, just the two of us."

• 13:08Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm gonna send you, Jane, all of my Questions for Humans for Couples, all three decks, okay? And the intimacy deck. I'm gonna send you four of them."

• 13:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:15Dr. John Delony?

  "But you're gonna have to say, 'I want to do five to 10 of these cards a night.'"

• 13:21Dr. John Delony?

  "No screens, no nothing."

• 13:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:24Dr. John Delony?

  "When you walk in the door, I want you to put your phone away and just be with me."

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  "I want you to cook dinner two times a week."

• 13:36Dr. John Delony?

  "I want you to take the two older ones while I deal with the younger one when it comes to bedtime." "And that it's not sexy, and I know that there's certain pockets of the world that say, um, very vocal pockets that say, 'He should just know how to...'" He doesn't, he doesn't. And so here we are, right?

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:54Dr. John Delony?

  "And in the same way, he's listening to pockets of, not technically, but there's pockets of the world that tell him, 'She should just...'" Neither of those paths work, so what I want you both to do is to create a new path. Do you doubt for one second that he loves you?

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Not at all.

• 14:13Dr. John Delony?

  Do you doubt for one second that he's a good man?

• 14:16Speaker 00

  No.

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so what we have to do is we have to paint pictures for each other. And sometimes those retreats are amazing because you could say, "Okay, let's paint a picture of us at the end of this year."

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  "And here's where I want you to get real specific. I want you to, um, in my words, I want you to choose reality."

• 14:38Dr. John Delony?

  "How much money can we have in a savings account by the end of this year?"

• 14:43Dr. John Delony?

  "How much, um, how many vacations or trips could we have gone on by the end of this year?" How many books can we have read by the end of this year? You see what I'm saying? Like, let's put some very tactical things on a piece of paper. And from those tactical things that y'all try together, let's try to read a book together. Let's try to listen to a podcast and discuss it together. Sometimes couples sit on the couch and they just stare at each other. And it's tough. Here's another thing I want you to do. I want you to go get a couple of girlfriends. And I want you to get a couple of girlfriends and say, "Hey, I'm going out with the girls on Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings.

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  All three of these kids are yours. And I'm gonna, I'll make you a list of what you gotta do. Or you can follow me around and watch how this stuff works with, this one has this bottle and this one's got this bottle. And don't forget, this one can't have peanuts." All of it, all the stuff you deal with on a day-to-day basis. But I want you to, you, you, to get some friends. And you get some goals. And begin to put them on the table. It might be that your husband just isn't one of these Instagram, "crush it and kill it and dreamers." And I'm not gonna beat him up for that. He's, it sounds like he's a great man who loves his family, who's providing. Would I tell him, "You gotta go get some friends and go do some stuff? Join a softball league?" Of course I would.

• 16:11Dr. John Delony?

  If I tell him, "Hey, play less video games, dude?" Yes, I would. But also, I don't wanna assassinate his character. He sounds like he's a pretty amazing guy. But maybe if his wife starts doing the things that she wants him to do for herself, you begin to give him permission. "Oh, she goes out with friends, this is what this looks like. I wanna go have a beer with the guys after work. I wanna go have coffee with this dude and talk about maybe changing jobs." And it's just this homeostasis. This, "We're frozen now, we got three little kids, our whole marriage is different." And sometimes if you're like me, if you're like Rachel Cruz, she's a great friend of mine, it's easy to just get away, clear the deck, and let's dream and plan. And sometimes it's

• 16:53Dr. John Delony?

  a matter of, hey, we're gonna do a couple of small things and then we're gonna go from there. But your marriage isn't broken. Your marriage is, I don't say it's right where it should be, but it's a very common place that you find yourself. And now you've got two people who are going to work together to, not Hollywood this thing, but to actually put real things on the table. And all this starts with, "I miss you. And here's what I want to do." And then, fingers crossed, he goes with you. Thank you so much for the call, my friend Jane. Hang on the line, we're gonna hook you up with some free gear. We'll be right back.

• 17:32Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:58Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:42Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:25Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Please, please, please don't forget to hit the subscribe button or the share button or the thumbs up hearts. I don't know, dude, the lion button. I don't know what kind of buttons there are. Don't forget to tell the internets you're a fan of the show and share it. It makes such a huge, huge difference for us all across the board. And don't forget, I am coming on tour, my friend Dave Ramsey. We're talking about money, life. It's gonna be this show live, and it's gonna be a little bit off the, it's gonna be a lot off the rails. We're gonna be in Louisville, April 21st, Durham, April 23rd, Atlanta, April 25th, Phoenix, May 5th, Fort Worth, Texas, yeehaw, May 7th, and Kansas City, May 9er.

• 21:11Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, RamseySolutions.com/tour. Come check us out. It's some rad, rad theaters. And can, I cannot wait to get back out on the road and I can't get, wait to um, cut it up with my buddy Dave, live. Alright, let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Ciara. What's up Ciara?

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Hey Dr. John, how are you?

• 21:33Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I'm rocking on to the break a dawn. Sister, how are you?

• 21:36Speaker 02

  Good.

• 21:37Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, what's up?

• 21:38Speaker 02

  I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot.

• 21:41Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy, it's cool.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  No, it is cool. I'm at a Starbucks, very fun.

• 21:46Dr. John Delony?

  Oh dude, they're gonna, so hey, someone's gonna come knock on your window in a minute, but it's all good. What's up?

• 21:52Speaker 02

  I'm doing well. I'm actually getting married in a couple of months.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Gross!

• 21:57Speaker 02

  And I want it, yeah.

• 21:59Dr. John Delony?

  Are you in love?

• 21:59Speaker 02

  Very exciting. Oh, so much. Absolutely.

• 22:03Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations Ciara.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 22:05Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about who you're marrying.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  So, he's a really good guy. We've been together for almost nine years.

• 22:13Dr. John Delony?

  What? Nine years?

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Yeah. We met in high school, so we've been together for a while, but

• 22:19Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, how old are you?

• 22:20Speaker 02

  I think it's about time. I'm 24 and he's 26.

• 22:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so y'all been together forever, but you're still really young.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. We've been together since I was like 15.

• 22:30Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, this is like Dawson's Creek romance. I love this. I love it. Okay. So, I can help?

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Um, so, I've never lived on my own. I've been living with my parents forever.

• 22:45Dr. John Delony?

  Uh oh.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  I went to college, I commuted there, commuted back, so, never really had the opportunity to live by myself. And now that the wedding's coming up in a couple of months, it's really starting to hit me, I guess, that I'm like, leaving them. And I'm just trying to process those feelings. It's like excitement, and then sadness, and it keeps going back and forth, and I'm feeling a lot of different things, so I just need somebody to kinda talk me through that and figure out how to cope with all that change.

• 23:13Dr. John Delony?

  Sheesh, I don't, I don't know. Um, uh... Cause it sounds like you're pretty clear-eyed. Like, I'm 24, most of my friends have already moved out, I'm still here.

• 23:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:26Dr. John Delony?

  And it's time, and also, there's a reality, and I know it's easy for me to be like, get out of your mom's basement, but also, um...

• 23:38Dr. John Delony?

  There's a reality to it, like you're gonna miss your folks, right? It's not like you actually like them?

• 23:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do. We have a really, really close relationship and right now the situation has been like, I kinda go back and forth. So where I'm moving, our apartment's only like 25 minutes away from where my parents and my sister are gonna be. So it's not like a giant jump. We're not moving states. It's just the fact that I'm not gonna be able to like walk in the door every day and say, "Hey, how's everybody doing?" And just like hang out with them all the time, so.

• 24:06Dr. John Delony?

  But you'll have this hairy-legged boy that you're moving in with.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know.

• 24:15Speaker 02

  He's really great. He's a good person.

• 24:17Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  And we love each other a lot. We're basically really, we're very, very close. Very open with each other.

• 24:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I hear you mention loneliness. The thought of walking into an empty house, or an empty apartment, while he's still at work, and you just exhale.

• 24:35Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I get that. What's another fear or two you have?

• 24:40Speaker 02

  I guess the loneliness is definitely a big one. And I'm kind of like,

• 24:47Speaker 02

  I don't wanna say I'm like an indecisive person, but I'm making a career jump. So I was on the path to go to law school a few years ago. I started working at a law firm as like their assistant. Realized I didn't wanna do that anymore. And I decided I wanna go to flight school. So I'm trying to do that right now while planning the wedding, while moving out, and processing all these different feelings. So I think that probably plays into it a little bit. Maybe it's a bunch of stress.

• 25:20Dr. John Delony?

  It's all of it. It's all of it. I guess what I would tell you is, yeah, you're making a ton of changes. And so if you were super confident and stable right now, I would, I would, hopefully you would refer you out to a professional colleague, right? Because you've got a ton of change coming.

• 25:40Dr. John Delony?

  So whenever I don't know what to do next, and by the way, I've been wrestling with this personally. Right? I keep reading about AI, I keep reading about all this stuff, and it's like, everything's about to change, and I don't even know what that means, right? And so I always wanted to say, okay, when I, when everything's about to change, and yet I have no picture of what that change is gonna look like, or I have no experience to lean back on and say, okay, um, here's what this is gonna feel like, right? So like, um, I went the other day, I've had a problem with my foot recently. And so I finally, finally, because I'm an idiot, finally went to the doctor. It took me forever. And I got a shot and the, and the needle was comically large.

• 26:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but here's the thing, I've gotten shots before.

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:30Dr. John Delony?

  And so I knew this is gonna be painful for a second and then it'll be over. And the doctor actually did an amazing job. It wasn't bad at all. And then I was out of there. If I had never got a shot before and I saw that needle coming down, dude, I would have, my, my fear of what was going on would have been way worse than the actual procedure, right?

• 26:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:50Dr. John Delony?

  So I, my, my, I guess my little, um, formula, if you were my model for dealing with things when I don't know what it's gonna feel like, what, what's coming next, or what it's gonna look like is, A, I always wanna get some wisdom on the decision I'm actually making. And it sounds like you've done that. You trust your parents?

• 27:11Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 27:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you've done some wise things, like I wanna go to law school, but before I go all in,

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:18Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna go spend a year clerking in a law office. I know it's not technically a clerking, but I'm gonna go work in a law office. And you're like, oh, I don't wanna do that. Amazing. Have you done that same thing with, with flying?

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. So right now I'm working on my private license. I wanna do that first.

• 27:34Dr. John Delony?

  So you like the whole, you like going to the, going to the aviation school? You like getting in a plane? You like hanging out with other pilots? You like that world, right?

• 27:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:43Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing.

• 27:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's really fun.

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I'm gonna challenge your assessment of yourself that you're indecisive. And I think you're wise.

• 27:53Dr. John Delony?

  I think you're wise, because if you were indecisive, you would have started law school and stopped, started law school again, taken a leave of absence, gone to work at a thing, gone to get a cup of coffee, get a cup of coffee, ask somebody else, read 50 books, listen to podcasts. That's indecisive. That's most of your peers.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  You have an idea about something, you try it out. Like this guy, you've tried him out for nine years.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:21Dr. John Delony?

  It's amazing. So, um, so here's, here's A, A number one. Here's, here's number one in my model. Do something that breaks the inertia. And here's what I mean by that. If you have a hesitancy, if, if you're always just like slow playing, slow paying, slow playing, then break the inertia, go make a decision, go do a thing.

• 28:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So what does that mean? If you're nervous about, um, being lonely and you just sit and spin and think about it, think about it, think about it, think about it, then I want you to put on the calendar, like a Tuesday after you get married, I mean, not after you get married, but the Tuesday after the Tuesday you get married, then the next Tuesday after, I want you to schedule, um, coffee with your mom and your sister. Put it on the calendar. So I know that's gonna be there. I'm gonna have check-ins with them. If the first three weeks you walk into your apartment and it just feels hollow and lonely and you start getting a little bit anxious, then I want you to plan to hang out with your sister.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:26Dr. John Delony?

  Like, being with your family and your friends isn't a bad thing. You've got community, you've got built in. Like, getting married doesn't mean I have to instantly be lonely. And clearly, this cat that you're marrying knows that you're a family-oriented person, right?

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:39Dr. John Delony?

  Does he, does he like your folks too?

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Oh, absolutely. We're there all the time.

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that's, that's amazing. So as you build your own house, it doesn't mean, we've created this weird thing, like, that somehow the old leave and cleave means, like, abandon. That's dumb. Still hang out, still have fun, right? But now you're gonna begin to discuss your own values and your own conversations. And so, do something that breaks the inertia. If you're like me and you rattle off decisions all the time, over and over and over so fast, what I have to do to break the inertia, to change the energy is, I have to slow down.

• 30:13Dr. John Delony?

  Which means I have a rule now. I don't respond to an email for 24 hours if it makes me mad. Or before I make a big decision, um, I ask two friends who are experts in that thing before I go do a like a big, major life change. Before I left higher ed to come to this job, I actually flew to Texas to meet with somebody.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  Who has known me for a long, long time. Before I jumped like, hey, am I seeing this correctly?

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:38Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to, basically it's the old Seinfeld episode, opposite George. I want you to do the opposite.

• 30:44Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the second thing. I want you to write down what you actually are afraid of. Go right towards the fear. I'm afraid of being lonely. Cool. I'm gonna put that on the table. I'm gonna tell my husband that. Or my fiance that. I'm afraid of, um, flight school taking up all our time as we're newlyweds. Let's put that on the table. Let's begin to solve that problem. I'm afraid of getting into flight school, not liking it. Well, let's put that on, like, so let's really write down these fears. And then look at the ones we can actually do anything about and the ones that we can't, we're gonna, what are you gonna do about them, right? And then the ones that we can, boom, we're gonna go right into them. And then here's the third one.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  And this one's gonna be the hard one. Okay?

• 31:30Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you just give yourself permission and be sad.

• 31:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:37Dr. John Delony?

  You're transitioning your whole life.

• 31:40Dr. John Delony?

  And you're one of the rare 26 year olds I talked to. You've had a pretty great life, huh?

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  I think that's the problem is like, I feel a little bit guilty getting upset over something like that.

• 31:54Dr. John Delony?

  Nope.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  But I have to let myself be sad.

• 31:57Dr. John Delony?

  That's exactly right.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Huge.

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  It's huge. And being sad doesn't mean you're not super over the moon excited about what comes next.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:06Dr. John Delony?

  It's not either or, it's both and.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's the weird thing is like, I haven't felt that way before. So it keeps flipping back and forth.

• 32:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, let it flip back and forth. Let it flip back and forth. That's amazing. You're about to, you're about to transition out of a pretty safe, secure, awesome, amazing life. And you're getting under a squat bar. Have you ever been in a weight room before?

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. All right. So you know squat rack. Your mom and dad have been lifting your squat bar for a long time.

• 32:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:36Dr. John Delony?

  And there's something about walking into a house. Um, when you know somebody else is there, just in your nervous system and your amygdala, you know, hey, if there's somebody trying to get into the house or somebody trying to, there's just safety issues.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  There's just conversation issues. There's just, oh gosh, I don't, can you help grab this thing? And there's nobody else there. And that's just the transition to adulthood.

• 33:01Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:02Dr. John Delony?

  And you're coming at it late and it's all right.

• 33:04Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:05Dr. John Delony?

  But you should be a little bit weirded out by it. It's all right.

• 33:08Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  And again, you love this guy?

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Oh, absolutely.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Can I just say congratulations to your parents for creating a world that, um, they should have kicked you out a long time ago, but that's okay. But like, creating a world that you actually like them, you like being around them. And I'll say congratulations to you, um, for thinking through these things. And it sounds like you are wise well beyond your years, which means you were probably raised well. Um, and, or that means you weren't raised well and you had to see a lot of crazy life and you've got some wisdom scars, but, um, it sounds like more of the, the former than the latter. So I want to tell you, I'm proud of you. Give yourself permission to be sad. Give yourself permission to be freaked out. Give yourself permission to be overwhelmed.

• 33:58Dr. John Delony?

  You're changing majors, you're changing schools, you're changing homes, you're changing, um, your marital status, you're changing everything all at once. And that's terrifying and freaking amazing, all of it at the same time. Go get it. And by the way, last thing, your feelings are your feelings. You're allowed to feel them. You're allowed to feel them. Have a couple of people in your life you can call and say, hey, am I seeing this and experiencing this in a way that makes sense? Because when our emotions get going, we often don't, uh, experience the world clearly. But man, I'm proud of you. You're on to the next step. You're on to the next. Congratulations. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times and I'm just gonna keep saying it.

• 34:44Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist, and I think a lot of you probably should do. But let's be real, taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment, maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy, maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym, on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people, some of you have tracker watches, some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, we don't want to spend the money, we don't want to spend the time, we hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news? BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever.

• 35:30Dr. John Delony?

  Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this. Your well-being is worth it. You are worth it. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to the home of what I think is the top two or three places in the world to eat. San Antonio, Texas, and talk to Gabby. What's up Gabby?

• 36:15Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. Deloney. Deloney, how are you?

• 36:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'm great, how about you?

• 36:18Speaker 03

  I'm nervous.

• 36:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, don't be nervous, you're good to go, you're good to go. What's up?

• 36:23Speaker 03

  Okay, I just had a quick question for you. How do I navigate social situations and friendships now that I'm sober, after spending the last, like, five years building all of my relationships around alcohol?

• 36:36Dr. John Delony?

  Oh wow, so how long are you clean?

• 36:39Speaker 03

  So, my longest running was a month.

• 36:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:42Speaker 03

  But as of right now, four days.

• 36:46Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just stop and, and I know we're on the phone, but can I give you a hug?

• 36:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was really, I was really proud there for a second.

• 36:54Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh-uh, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. You're on day four, right?

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Yes, yep.

• 37:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and tomorrow's day five, right?

• 37:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'm proud of you. I don't know anybody on the planet that, that starts and stops, that doesn't start and stop on, on the way to something great.

• 37:16Dr. John Delony?

  That thirty day run, that proved to you you could do it?

• 37:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was, I mean, it was a good run, but again, you know, I got around some people and I got in a situation and I was like, I would just, you know, one drink and, um, my track record shows that I don't know how to drink one drink.

• 37:32Dr. John Delony?

  Well, awesome. Now you got some new data in, um, in the system and now you can go make a better choice next time. Which unfortunately, bummer, is zero.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:43Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Um, have you gone to meetings?

• 37:46Speaker 03

  No, um, I think part of my problem up until recently is I never really considered myself an alcoholic.

• 37:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Um, I was like, oh, I don't drink every single day. Like, I'm not hiding it. I just, um, I just drink a lot. When I do drink, it's not a big deal. Everybody drinks a lot in their twenties. So I've never gone to a meeting, but, um, I've kind of toyed with the idea here recently.

• 38:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I, I can't recommend, that'd be, my first, second, and third recommendation would be for you to go to a meeting.

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  And exhale. Well, and, and here's the thing, um, you white knuckled your way through thirty days.

• 38:25Dr. John Delony?

  And you will powered your way through thirty days and you can't change this big of a challenge with white knuckles.

• 38:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  And the only way to do it is to drop your shoulders. And you can't drop your shoulders by yourself because alcohol's too strong.

• 38:41Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  The, the, the reason I asked first off that if you'd gone to a meeting and I was assuming you had not, it's because one of the very first things you're gonna tell you is, you're probably gonna lose most of your friends.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:57Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate that.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  And that's the hard part.

• 38:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. No, it's caustic. It's heartbreaking. Or here's what you're gonna find. You're gonna find that most of your friends, the people that you call friends and call you friend, were not friends like you thought.

• 39:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, because we did Dry January. We all white knuckled our way through Dry January. I ended up, towards the end of Dry January, going on a bit of a thunder and, you know, causing a bunch of chaos in my life. And then I was like, okay, I'm sober. And then those same friends who experienced that chaos in my life are still handing me drinks and still encouraging me to drink. And I'm like, I'm trying so hard and I don't want to lose them as friends at the same time as I don't want... I know our relationships are gonna have to change because everything was based around drinking. Everywhere we went, everything we did, we were always drinking. And so I guess, I just kinda guess more needed validation that it was okay to let those friendships go.

• 39:55Dr. John Delony?

  Let me get underneath that, okay? Your friendship wasn't just based on drinking. It was based on you all needing each other to fall a little bit so that y'all felt like y'all were superior in moment by moment gulps of air. They kept handing you drinks because your spinning out in chaos makes them feel half an inch taller.

• 40:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:22Dr. John Delony?

  Because at least they're not doing what you're doing.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 40:27Dr. John Delony?

  And you waking up the next morning saying, "Hey, you guys did this. Y'all were my friends." That makes you feel half inch taller.

• 40:37Dr. John Delony?

  And so, it's not a relationship based on drinking. Drinking becomes the medium by which y'all get to step on each other to feel a little bit taller for just a night.

• 40:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's not friendship.

• 40:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's a bunch of hurting people desperately using each other.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I am, I'm, I'm married and I was talking to my husband about it and, cause he's one of the few people that doesn't encourage me to drink and, cause he knows how I get. And, um, uh, we were, he was like, well, why do you feel like the need to drink when you're around them? And I'm like, well, that's my role in the friend group is I'm, I'm the fun, fun one. You know, you walk into the party and there I am to hand you a drink and you know, it kinda just like gave me that identity in the friend group. And I guess now that I, day four, don't have that identity coming up, you know, Friday night, Saturday night, Thursday, Thursday, that I'm kind of just like, what am I gonna do with my, my weekends and work?

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, no, that's not it, Gabby. That's not it.

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  What's the real question you're asking?

• 41:49Speaker 03

  I, I don't know. I-

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  The real question you're asking is how am I gonna stop hurting now that this is gone?

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  The real question you're asking is how can I hide now?

• 42:06Dr. John Delony?

  So my question to you is, like, what are you hiding from? Do you have kids?

• 42:10Speaker 03

  I do.

• 42:11Dr. John Delony?

  How old?

• 42:13Speaker 03

  He's four.

• 42:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Why don't you feel like you're a good mom?

• 42:19Speaker 03

  Um, I didn't have the best mom and dad.

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  Um, so like, I kinda went and found out when I was pregnant, I was gonna do everything completely differently and both of my parents have issues with alcohol. Um, my grandparents have issues with alcohol. My siblings have issues with alcohol. And so I kinda, I decided I was going to do alcohol, quote unquote, the right way as a mom. And, um, I, so like, he's never seen me drink. He's never been around me when I drink. So I thought I was doing it the right way. Um, and so now I'm kinda running into, you weren't doing it the right way. You were just hiding it better than your mom and dad.

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you, for a four-year-old, his nervous system knows when mom's drinking. He knows.

• 43:10Dr. John Delony?

  I don't tell you that to shame you, I tell you that to tell you the only way to do alcohol differently, it's a ghost that haunts your entire family line, right?

• 43:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, the only way is to turn and stare and face it down. And to drop your shoulders and say, "Okay, I'm powerless, you win. But I'm out." That's it. It's the only way. And so, my, um... I hope you can feel my heart through the phone, you're a good mom, dude. You're carrying the baggage of an entire family line and you're holding, you're holding it back for the sake of your son and your husband.

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  And you're using every bit of strength you got to try to protect your great-grandkids that you'll probably never get to meet. And so I want to tell you, man, that's valiance and that's honor and that's bravery. I'm just telling you, you're doing it the wrong way. Right? It's like you have, like you're a warrior with a machine gun and you're just firing it directly into a wall. Like, it's, I love the bravery and I love the courage, it's just not doing anything.

• 44:32Speaker 03

  Going the wrong way.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's going the wrong way. And so, the craziest, most courageous thing you can do is walk into a meeting, and if your husband needs to go with you, then take him with you. And drop your shoulders and say, "My name's Gabby and my great-grandfather couldn't, and my grandfather couldn't, and my mom and dad couldn't, and I can't control alcohol. I need help."

• 45:01Dr. John Delony?

  Because what you're looking for here is, your identity has been you're the crazy girl at the party. You're the fun girl. And the identity that you've told yourself, the story you've tried desperately to backfill is, "I can be the mom that I didn't have, and I can be the wife that my dad didn't have, and I married the guy that's not my dad, it's all amazing, and I can be, still have my, that identity that has kept me kind of held together like super glue and duct tape, the crazy girl," and you can't.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, I just, like I said, I thought I could do it the right way and have that identity. And I guess it's just been really hard, you know, to let go of that identity which entail comes with all of the friends I've made in the last, I've been drinking for 10 years, but the last friends I've made since we've moved and have made these friends.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  And they're not friends. They're not friends.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because if they were, they'd pull you aside and say, "Hey, you're not all right."

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  If they were, then when one idiot's like, "Hey, have some more shots", and they would say, "No, no, no, she's not drinking, stop."

• 46:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's not how they have acted at all.

• 46:27Dr. John Delony?

  Because they're not your friends.

• 46:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:30Dr. John Delony?

  And that means you have to deal with the loneliness, and you've been lonely since you were a little bitty girl.

• 46:35Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:37Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have to deal with trust with your husband, because you've been dealing with trust issues with the caring figures in your life forever.

• 46:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that's what's how you can't do it by yourself, man. And you can leave this conversation, you can leave, you can look in the mirror and say, "I was too weak to do it myself." You can talk like that.

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  Or

• 47:04Dr. John Delony?

  you can high-five yourself and say, "Dude, I gave it a shot. This one didn't work, so now I'm gonna try this one."

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, um, so do I just like slowly back out of this and be like, okay, you guys continue?

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  Oh.

• 47:25Speaker 03

  Oh, I can't make.

• 47:26Dr. John Delony?

  Nope, nope, nope, nope.

• 47:30Dr. John Delony?

  Repeat after me. They.

• 47:34Speaker 03

  They.

• 47:35Dr. John Delony?

  Don't.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  Don't.

• 47:37Dr. John Delony?

  Get.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  Get.

• 47:39Dr. John Delony?

  A vote.

• 47:40Speaker 03

  A vote.

• 47:43Dr. John Delony?

  You don't owe them anything, Gabby. You owe you, your little boy, and your husband, period.

• 47:53Dr. John Delony?

  Your whole life has been spent trying to make sure everybody else is okay.

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  That stops today.

• 48:07Speaker 03

  I've heard those words in therapy probably once a week since I started seeing a therapist.

• 48:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, there you go.

• 48:15Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna call a random old podcaster and he'll tell you the same thing. Starting today, okay?

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 48:23Dr. John Delony?

  You've been grabbing at ghosts for a long time. When kids grew up in the home, alcoholics, especially lineage alcoholics, it's grabbing at ghosts. You see your dad there, but he's not there. You see your mom there, but she's not there. And it makes kids insane.

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:38Dr. John Delony?

  And so what you're gonna have to do is, A, begin the healing process. A, you gotta do that process sober, which means you gotta go through that detox process, the who am I process, the, I guarantee you've got a wake of decisions you wish you could have back, right?

• 48:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna have to go through the forgiveness process of forgiving Gabby for doing things when she was just trying to stay alive.

• 49:07Dr. John Delony?

  You might have to sit down with your husband and say, hey, here's some things you don't know. Like, you're gonna have to go through that whole thing.

• 49:14Dr. John Delony?

  And I need you to listen to me. On the other side of this is a peace, and a depth of sleep, and laughter, and deep romance, and intimate connection with your husband.

• 49:34Dr. John Delony?

  Clear-eyed with your kid that you have never experienced in your life, ever.

• 49:41Dr. John Delony?

  You should have, but you didn't.

• 49:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I just never thought, pictured that kind of life for myself.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  So when I'm staring at it, it's kind of like...

• 50:01Dr. John Delony?

  It's not real.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  No, that's not for me.

• 50:03Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  It is for you. You just gotta go get it.

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  Today's day four. Will you make a call today?

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  Will you go to a meeting this evening?

• 50:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:24Dr. John Delony?

  Do you promise in front of me and Kelly and the whole gang?

• 50:28Speaker 03

  I do.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Will you send in a picture of your 30-day chip when you get it?

• 50:34Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 50:37Dr. John Delony?

  We'll celebrate you like crazy.

• 50:40Dr. John Delony?

  You promise?

• 50:41Speaker 03

  Promise.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  I am as proud of you right now as I've been proud of anybody in a long, long time.

• 50:52Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 50:53Dr. John Delony?

  Your great-grandkids are gonna have a different life because of the choice you made today. Okay?

• 50:59Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:59Dr. John Delony?

  Go to a meeting tonight and don't stop going. Game on?

• 51:04Speaker 03

  Game on.

• 51:05Dr. John Delony?

  It's been a high, high honor to get to talk to you today, my friend. Thank you so, so much.

• 51:09Speaker 03

  I appreciate you. Thank you so much.

• 51:11Dr. John Delony?

  All right, blessings.

• 51:13Dr. John Delony?

  We'll be right back.

• 51:16Dr. John Delony?

  All right, the rumors are true. Yes, the modern world exposes us to things that were just unheard of until a few decades ago. I'm talking about the little screens and the big screens and the giant screens in our homes and in our offices, the fluorescent lights, the EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. This is why I'm super excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF-blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, every day, and I love them. And here's why I think you're gonna love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with your sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains and transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.

• 52:00Dr. John Delony?

  My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day. And I also want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products, like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E. Bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15% site-wide. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it, Kelly?

• 52:40Speaker 04

  All right, this is from Kate, who was on our show just a few weeks back, about 20 episodes ago. And she just wrote in with a little bit of an update.

• 52:50Dr. John Delony?

  Well, update us.

• 52:51Speaker 04

  Yeah. So she said, "Hi, John. I wanted to reach out to share some cool crap that happened after I talked with John in January. In our call, we talked about how I needed to come clean with my husband, about the lack of respect that I've been feeling for him. After the call, we went on a marriage retreat and I was able to sit him down and come clean with all of the feelings that I had been keeping from him. We talked through specific ways in which I felt that he had let me down, and he was able to share some things with me that he was struggling with as well. We were able to put it all out there, then wipe the slate clean, and look at how we want our marriage to look from here on out. While we don't have it all figured out yet, we put some things in place to make sure that we're able to connect every day, like praying together every morning before we go our separate ways, and planning time every evening to connect

• 53:36Speaker 04

  before or after we put our boys to bed. Because of these changes, our communication has been better. Our house has been more peaceful, and our emotional and physical intimacy has been better than ever. Now buckle up, because I'm about to say some nice things about you, and you need to take it."

• 53:53Speaker 04

  I want to thank you and your team for everything that you do. I know that when you do the same thing day in and day out, sometimes it can seem mundane, especially when you hear variations of the same problems that people call in with. But after listening to your show for the past several months, I can honestly say that you've been able to change my way of thinking and have encouraged me to do challenging things. I'm going back to school for my Masters of Counseling, and I have the courage to reach out to my friends to schedule girls' nights and make more time for deep and meaningful relationships. I've been able to share your wisdom with others and have seen others' lives and marriages changed because of it. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and perspective with all of us that really need it. And Kelly, yes, John, I actually wrote this, so hush your face.

• 54:39Speaker 04

  Thank you for putting up with John Deloney and his crazy antics, and thank you to the team for making this podcast happen. Y'all are truly changing lives. Now, you can just awkwardly say, "Thank you." Sincerely, Kate from Gulfport, Mississippi.

• 54:52Dr. John Delony?

  Kate, thank you.

• 54:56Dr. John Delony?

  I'm working on not saying too much as a way to like, uh, make myself feel better.

• 55:02Speaker 04

  Deflect?

• 55:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, deflect and put filler words, so I'm just gonna say, "Thank you."

• 55:08Dr. John Delony?

  When this is coming out, and the internets do not like a call that I took the other day, and I'm getting roasted like a pig over an open spit, so, um, has it been going well? I needed to hear that today, so thank you very much. I'm really grateful, Kate, and I'm also grateful that you and your husband, like, laid it out, wiped the table, and said, "Let's go build something new," and y'all are slowly inching your way towards it. It's amazing. I'm proud of you. Thank you for the kind words. It means more than you will ever know. Blessings, guys. Stay in school, don't do drugs. Bye.