Ramesses the Great

Dead Funny History: Ramesses the Great. Join historian Greg Jenner for a fast-paced, funny and fascinating journey through the life of Ramesses II, aka Ramesses the Gr8, one of Ancient Egypt’s most famous Pharaohs, and possibly its biggest show-off. This episode of Dead Funny History is packed with jokes, sketches and sound effects that bring the past to life for families and Key Stage 2 learners. From his epic PR campaigns and giant statues to his pet lion and peppercorn-packed mummy, Ramesses knew how to make history memorable. Discover how he became king at just 24, caught pirates, lost the Battle of Kadesh (but told everyone he won), and built a glittering capital city called Pi-Ramesses, complete with temples, stables, and even a zoo. Learn about his Sed Festivals, where he raced to prove his fitness at age 89, and his obsession with building colossal statues of himself, some still standing today. Meet his wives Nefertari and Iset-Nofret, his 100 children, and the sacred Apis Bull that answered questions by kicking buckets. There’s even a cow beauty pageant, a bake sale gag, and a goat who helps discover Ramesses’ tomb centuries later. Expect parodies, sketch comedy, and a quiz to test what you’ve learned. It’s history with heart, humour and high production value. Perfect for curious kids, families, and fans of You’re Dead To Me. Written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch and Dr Emma Nagouse Host: Greg Jenner Performers: Mali Ann Rees and Richard David-Caine Producer: Dr Emma Nagouse Associate Producer: Gabby Hutchinson Crouch Audio Producer: Emma Weatherill Script Consultant: Dr Campbell Price Production Coordinator: Liz Tuohy Production Manager: Jo Kyle Studio Managers: Keith Graham and Andrew Garratt Sound Designer: Peregrine Andrews A BBC Studios Production

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 0:34Speaker 02

  Hey, I'm Niall Rogers. This fall, I'll be driving across the country, meeting some of today's coolest and most fascinating artists. We'll explore the stories before the moments that changed everything. Because every musician remembers the moment where it all began. Experience Before the Moment, a Lincoln original series on the iHeart Radio app, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 1:10Greg Jenner?

  Hello and welcome to Dead Funny Histol. I'm Greg Jenner. I'm a historian and I want to tell you about someone cool, Ramesses the Second. Now, you may know him as the ancient Egyptian pharaoh who was mean to Moses in the Prince of Egypt movie. Or you may know him as... Ramesses the Great. And he did do a lot of great stuff.

• 1:31Speaker 04

  That's right, Greg. I was one of the most successful pharaohs of ancient Egypt. A brilliant warrior, a magnificent ruler, a builder of glittering cities, father of a fantastic legacy that spans millennia.

• 1:49Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, at least that's what he'd like you to think. As we'll discover, this guy had very good PR. So you can't necessarily trust everything you hear about Pharaoh Ramesses the Second. For one thing, he actually had five royal names and was probably known to ancient Egyptians by his throne name, which was...

• 2:08Speaker 04

  Usamatra Setepenra.

• 2:11Greg Jenner?

  Bit of a mouthful. We'll just call him Ramesses to keep things simple. So Ramesses the Second ruled in a period known to us as the New Kingdom.

• 2:20Speaker 04

  That's right, because it was very modern and very hip.

• 2:24Greg Jenner?

  Well, that's all relative. Keep in mind that this was over 3,200 years ago, so we're stretching the meaning of new quite a bit.

• 2:32Speaker 04

  All right, there's no need to be rude.

• 2:34Greg Jenner?

  Ah, moving on. Now, we don't know loads about his childhood, but Ramesses was probably aged about 24 when he became king in the year 1279 BCE.

• 2:45Speaker 04

  Actually, Greg, we Egyptians counted years from the start of a king's reign, and when a new king came to power, it reset. So it wasn't 1279 BCE to us, it was year one. Use that instead, trust me, it's simpler. Plus, it makes everything more about the best person in the world, AKA me.

• 3:09Greg Jenner?

  Fine, in year one, when Ramesses became king, he already had a kid and a wife called Nefertari. Hi-yah! And we don't know much about Nefertari because her tomb was so badly robbed that all that was left were some shin bones that may have been hers. Why didn't robbers want my shins? I have great shins. Ramesses was from a family of soldiers and had already done work experience in the Egyptian army. As the new king, he wanted to make Egypt a massive military power. So in year two of his reign, he caught some pirates. Yarr! And he made them work for him. Permission to your majesty? The crown and glory of Ramesses's rule

• 3:53Greg Jenner?

  was a huge victory against Egypt's fiercest rivals, the Hittites. It was known as...

• 3:59Speaker 04

  The Battle of Kadesh! It was here where I proved my might as a warrior.

• 4:06Greg Jenner?

  Ah, who actually won the battle, dear?

• 4:12Speaker 04

  Oh, um, who won? What a question. No, I just answered the question. No, I am answering. I'm just saying there are two signs to every- Oh, don't be shy. Tell the people at home. No, I'm saying that I... I mean- Okay, the Hittites won! You happy now, dear?

• 4:31Greg Jenner?

  Yeah. Ramesses's troops were ambushed when he fell for a Hittite trick. Ramesses retreated and the Hittites grabbed the land. But that is not how Ramesses told it. "My men scattered, but I stepped up. The Hittites, when they saw me in all my glory, quaked with fear so much that they couldn't shoot their arrow."

• 4:53Speaker 05

  That's not what happened, sire. You didn't win that battle.

• 4:57Greg Jenner?

  Well, not with that attitude, I didn't. Ramesses had loads of depictions of him winning the battle carved onto temple walls, probably to try and impress the gods. And he kept beefing with the Hittites for 15 more years. But eventually, he signed the world's first known written peace treaty with them. So Ramesses may have messed up the Battle of Kadesh-

• 5:18Speaker 04

  Hey!

• 5:19Greg Jenner?

  -but he was properly good at buildings. He began constructing a new capital city pretty much as soon as he became king. And it was called- Pi-Ramesses! That means "House of Ramesses". It wasn't someone offering him lunch at a bake sale.

• 5:35Speaker 05

  Pi-Ramesses?

• 5:38Greg Jenner?

  Oh, go on then. And Pi-Ramesses was a grand design.

• 5:43Speaker 05

  Welcome back to a place in another civilization. Pi-Ramesses! Four square miles of everything you could wish for. Six temples, massive stables, a fully functioning military outpost. And, of course, it also has... A zoo. It's so state-of-the-art, the stables have toilet systems. All you need now is someone to toilet-drain your horse.

• 6:19Greg Jenner?

  Ramesses also completed a huge temple complex at Abu Simbel, and then thought to himself,

• 6:25Speaker 04

  "Oh, it's missing something. Ooh! How about four massive statues of me staring down at the visitors that enter to give the impression that I'm some kind of demigod? Ooh, some nice decking? No, no, my idea's better.

• 6:41Greg Jenner?

  He also made his own temple at Thebes, now known to us as the Ramasym, which is definitely better than the name he gave it.

• 6:49Speaker 04

  The house of millions of years of Usumatra Setepenra that unites with Thebes the city in the domain of Ammon. That's a bit of a long name, Majesty. Hmm, it's fine. It will fit on one of my massive statues!

• 7:03Greg Jenner?

  Ramesses loved getting statues of himself made. But not just any statues.

• 7:10Speaker 04

  Ah, needs to be bigger than that! Bigger, so the people at the back can see. Yes, Majesty, this thing's seventy foot high now. Is that big enough? Oh, I'll tell you when it's big enough!

• 7:25Greg Jenner?

  These massive statues are called colossi. In Pi-Ramesses alone, there were at least fifty of them, and the biggest was a whopping seventy feet tall. That's around the height of Thornton Service Station on the M6. Really makes you think. Some colossi still exist, and back in the day, they would have been painted bright colours. Think more Disneyland than British Museum.

• 7:49Speaker 05

  Ma'am, can we go back to the seventy foot statue of Ramesses II every year?

• 7:55Greg Jenner?

  But Ramesses wasn't just a mighty king and a brilliant liar. He was also a big family man. Aww. Which I mean, he had a big family. About a hundred children. Aww. He also had a pet lion, because that's really what you need in a palace filled with 100 small children.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  Hey, honey, guess what I got?

• 8:17Speaker 05

  Oh, is it something to help us look after the literally hundreds of children you have?

• 8:24Speaker 04

  Um, not really.

• 8:28Speaker 04

  Look, it was either this or another massive statue of me, alright?

• 8:33Greg Jenner?

  Now, if that sounds like too many kids for one mum to have, you are right. Ramesses had loads of wives. There were two principal wives, Nefertari-

• 8:43Speaker 05

  Hi again!

• 8:44Greg Jenner?

  And Iset Nofret.

• 8:45Speaker 05

  Iset Nofret by name, but a lot of fret by nature. That's what being around 100 children will do to you.

• 8:55Greg Jenner?

  Plus, Ramesses also had a bunch of Hittite brides to seal the deal on that peace treaty.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  Hi, I'm here, I'm here. Good morning. Hello! Hi, I'm lovely.

• 9:05Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, Ramesses's best frenemy, the Hittite king, kept giving him wives. It's like when your aunt once gave you a gift you liked and so she keeps giving you the same thing every year. And that's how I've ended up with five air fryers. Anyway, Ramesses's firstborn son was called Amen Huenemef. He became the crown prince, but sadly died quite young. But Khayemwaset, his son with Iset Nofret, became the high priest of Tar in Memphis. A top job, which meant looking after the Apis Bull.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  What's the Apis Bull?

• 9:40Greg Jenner?

  Oh, I am so glad you asked. This was a sacred, fortune-telling bull that would live as a god and answer questions about the future by eating food or kicking over a bucket. Sort of like a careers adviser, but with, uh, more cow poo.

• 9:56Speaker 05

  So, post-Cesese, should I be thinking apprenticeship or art college?

• 10:04Speaker 05

  Art school it is.

• 10:06Greg Jenner?

  And the Apis Bull also got a whole load of cow wives. Mew. They were said to be specially selected for their cow beauty. I wish we knew how that happened.

• 10:19Speaker 04

  Welcome back to Miss Mooniverse, where we crown the most beautiful cow in Egypt. Here's Miss Memphis, wearing a lovely bovine bikini. Her hobbies are chewing cud, mooing, and ballet.

• 10:36Greg Jenner?

  Prince Khayyem Waset also helped organise something very important for ramping up Ramesses's reputation.

• 10:42Speaker 04

  Welcome to the Set Festival! What?

• 10:46Greg Jenner?

  He said the Set Festival. It was a bit like the Royal Jubilee. There were big celebrations that took place after 30 years of rule, and then every three or four years after that. So, how many did you have, Ram?

• 11:00Speaker 04

  14! I do love a fuss.

• 11:02Greg Jenner?

  Hmm, these festivals could last for two months and included a re-enactment of Ramesses's coronation. And the best bit was the Ceremonial Race, designed to test the king's ongoing fitness to rule. It was basically the ancient Egyptian bleep test, and Ramesses was not allowed to lose.

• 11:20Speaker 05

  And what a surprise. All the athletes have stopped, letting themselves get overtaken once again by an 89-year-old man. Who'd have thought? Ramesses wins again.

• 11:32Greg Jenner?

  Now, say what you like about Ramesses's military skill and ego, and we have, but you can't deny that he lived for a really, really long time. He outlived most of his wives.

• 11:44Speaker 04

  Bye, Nefertari! Bye, Iset, no fret! Bye, uh, ooh, I wanna say Julie. Is that right? Jenny? Jackie! That's the one.

• 11:57Greg Jenner?

  And he even outlived a lot of his kids. We know that in Old Age, Ramesses would have had sore teeth, he would have walked with a stoop, and had bad arthritis.

• 12:06Speaker 04

  Oi! I'm 89 and I live in ancient Egypt. I think I'm doing pretty well. Don't make me race you, cuz, cuz, cuz I will. I'm, I'm coming to getcha.

• 12:16Greg Jenner?

  When Ramesses eventually died, his body was mummified. Although years later, an X-ray examination showed that peppercorns had been shoved up his nose.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  Peppercorns?

• 12:27Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, to help keep his nose in shape under all those bandages.

• 12:30Speaker 04

  I can't have pepper up my nose for 32 centuries! I'll... It's...

• 12:36Greg Jenner?

  Bless you. In the afterlife, I guess he was less Ramesses, more Ramasnees.

• 12:41Speaker 04

  If, and... there was an Egyptian god for bad... puns, I would set them on you, Greg!

• 12:51Greg Jenner?

  Ramesses rested in the Valley of the Kings for 200 years, but was then moved by priests to protect him from ancient grave robbers. His tomb was later discovered with loads of other mummified kings and queens in the 1800s. The story goes that a guy called Ahmed El Razul found him in 1871 while looking for a lost goat.

• 13:13Speaker 05

  What's that? Little Ramesses the Great is stuck down a hole? Whoa, you truly are a zee goat.

• 13:22Greg Jenner?

  Apparently Ahmed didn't tell anyone about his discovery for 10 years, and instead sold valuables from the tomb on the quiet. Poor Ramesses the Great, gone from godlike king to a scavenged ruin in the desert. That's the sort of thing you could write a poem about. Me? I, I wrote a really famous poem in 1818 about Ramesses' legacy crumbling away. I met a traveller from an antique land. Sorry, we don't have time for you Percy, Bish, Shelley, because it's the end of the show. Oh, fooey. So, how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils ready. Question one.

• 14:05Greg Jenner?

  Name one of Ramesses the Great's two principal wives. Nefertari or Issetnofrat. Question two. What was a bit funny about Ramesses the Great's famous victory at the Battle of Kadesh?

• 14:21Greg Jenner?

  He didn't actually win. Question three. What is the delicious sounding name of the new capital Ramesses the Great built, which was full of giant statues of himself, plus horses, zoos and temples?

• 14:37Greg Jenner?

  Hi, Ramesses. Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown up and want to learn more about Ramesses the Great, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me with Dr Campbell Price. Thanks for listening. Bye. This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch and Dr Emma Nagouse. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malian Reese and Richard David Caine. The script consultant was Dr Campbell Price.

• 15:10Speaker 06

  Hello, it's Ray Winstone. I'm here to tell you about my podcast on BBC Radio 4, History's Toughest Heroes. I've got stories about the pioneers, the rebels, the outcasts who define tough.

• 15:25Speaker 07

  And that was the first time that anybody ever ran a car up that fast with no tyres on. It almost feels like your eyeballs are going to come out of your head.

• 15:33Speaker 06

  Tough enough for you? Subscribe to History's Toughest Heroes on BBC Sounds.

• 15:47Speaker 00

  Welcome to The Haunted Library. Join me, Colin Morgan, as I read Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. A story of science and ambition, loneliness and longing, and what it truly means to be human.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  Listen to The Haunted Library wherever you get your podcasts or find us on YouTube.