My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor

On today’s episode, we hear about: A mom trying to discourage her teen daughter from dating the wrong boy A wife struggling with her husband’s decision to take a job out of state A husband frustrated that his wife mothers everyone—including him Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I protect my daughter but not end up in that situation where I make her run? And it's all regarding a boy.

• 0:14Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, God.

• 0:15Speaker 00

  New interest that has a troubled past.

• 0:19Dr. John Delony?

  Let me put it this way, my daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor. Period.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriages and your kids and everything you've got going on in your life. If you notice I'm being a little more chill, it's because they did the chat GPT roast of me. They said I come in pretty hot, like I've had a bunch of espressos.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  I believe it was, comes in, like he said, seven shots of espressos and run a marathon.

• 0:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 0:58Speaker 02

  If I'm being specific.

• 0:59Dr. John Delony?

  So now I'm coming in like I'm like five Quaaludes in, four or five Xanax.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  What was the worst thing that that playful chat GPT roast said about you?

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  The most hurtful that I come in hot with youth minister energy.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, it did say that.

• 1:16Dr. John Delony?

  That hurt in my soul, right in my soul. I have no sparkles on my jeans, by the way. I, anyway, I didn't come in here with a somersault or whatever. And, yeah, they gave me the hemorrhoids on that one.

• 1:30Speaker 02

  It was specifically youth minister on Sunday morning vibes.

• 1:34Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, that like hurt my heart. And dude, shout out, you want to be youth minister, knock your lights out.

• 1:43Dr. John Delony?

  Man, if the world really experiences me that way, I've got a lot of work to do. Go back to therapy.

• 1:47Speaker 02

  It's a playful, like it said, a playful roast.

• 1:50Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, AI doesn't lie. That's what the government keeps telling us.

• 1:56Dr. John Delony?

  You think it does? I'm heartbroken. Let's go out to Carson City, Nevada, or Nevada, depending on who you're talking to. Mary, will you help me out, please?

• 2:07Dr. John Delony?

  Is it Nevada or Nevada?

• 2:10Speaker 00

  You know somebody is from Nevada when they say Nevada. The minute they say Nevada, they're not from here.

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  You people of the desert, keep your secrets. That's how, hey, next time I'm there, I'm gonna bring like a Subaru Outback or like an Overlander 4Runner and I'm gonna just tell everyone I'm from Nevada and they're gonna be like, "Ooh, a local."

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:35Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna talk bad about the Strip. I'm like, "I hate gambling." They'll be like, "Yeah." That'll be cool. We'll drive out in the desert and me and Michael Easter will go for a ruck. It'll be awesome. All right, so Nevada. All right, so Mary from Nevada, um, I feel like I'm like a Michigander who got lost in Nevada. All right, so what's up?

• 2:56Speaker 00

  Uh, all right, well, um, so just a little-

• 3:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, let's transition from that to whatever you're about to-

• 3:04Speaker 00

  It's not awkward at all.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Um, so I'll just say first that, you know, I'm in, I find myself in a situation of life where I'm, you know, one day I'm convicted and I know exactly what I should do, the next day I have no clue what I'm doing.

• 3:21Dr. John Delony?

  Me too, me too, same team.

• 3:24Speaker 00

  So I am in the middle of going through a divorce. So I'm hyper-focused on like protecting my children, uh, cause there's a lot just going on right now. And I, um, my biggest fear is that they'll kind of make wrong choices, right? So I wanna make sure that I'm doing right by my kids. So the question, uh, is how, how do I protect my daughter but not end up in that situation where I make her run? Um, and it's all regarding a boy-

• 4:00Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, God.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  -with a new interest that has a troubled past. So I, I don't have all the details yet. Um-

• 4:13Dr. John Delony?

  How old is this boy?

• 4:14Speaker 00

  I have, so he is 17, she is 15.

• 4:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, who cares what the, who absolutely cares what the, what the details are?

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Well, I kind of do, but because I think it speaks to his character and the picture that I'm that's being painted to me is that he's in trouble because he was protecting someone. But you don't get arrested unless you did something wrong, right? So in my mind, I've already got a mismatch of what her perception is and what is actually happening.

• 4:45Dr. John Delony?

  So he has a criminal background?

• 4:48Speaker 00

  So yeah, just recently, he was arrested and he's been on an ankle monitor since. And this week, he's supposed to be off the ankle monitor and then supposedly going to have probation.

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  And all of your intel, if you will, is from a 15 year old via a 17 year old?

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. So my, um, I've already told her that I need to sit down and have a conversation with him.

• 5:24Dr. John Delony?

  Wait, why, why, Mary? Why?

• 5:29Dr. John Delony?

  Let me put it this way. My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor, period. And I actually teach my son to stand up for people. And so if my son is out somewhere and there's somebody out on the margins and they're in an unsafe situation or somebody's trying to hurt them, I have taught and trained my son to intervene. And if he gets arrested and goes to jail and has a criminal record and is wearing an ankle monitor, I will also teach him that the 15 year old girl he's dating is gonna need to take a break for a

• 6:07Dr. John Delony?

  bit. I'm not sitting down with a minor, with a 17 year old who's about to be 18 and trying to get the facts. Because you know what 17 year olds who want to hook up with 15 year olds do? They just make up whatever story that is gonna be most advantageous to them.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? Like, this is like a scorched earth thing for me.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:32Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's why. You're, you're, you'll be testing, the, the test here is your daughter.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't hypothetical. If he spins you some, some story that's amazing and you feel compassion and moved and he's getting rigged, rigged by the system. Whether he's telling the truth or not, that's the, the, the test there for a guy that just got arrested and is being prosecuted for assault is your daughter. I'm not taking that risk, not a 15 year old. When she's 18, she can do what she want to.

• 7:09Dr. John Delony?

  But are you heartbroken about breaking her heart again?

• 7:16Speaker 00

  I, I just have not personally experienced, but I've always had this fear because she's had a hard life with her dad and she's threatened and, you know, all these things about, you know, moving away and no one loves her and all of these things. And so it's just like this big, like if I forbid this, then that's going to give her a reason to run away from me. And I feel like I'm the only one that can protect her right now.

• 7:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but the stakes are too high.

• 7:58Dr. John Delony?

  I would much rather my 15 year old not like me than cross my fingers and hope that a convicted 17 year old makes good choices.

• 8:13Dr. John Delony?

  I think, I think the fallacy here, yes, if you cut off a child and you've, I've, I've had episodes of the show where I kind of go after dads especially. I'm taking her phone, I'm cutting her off, she can't do anything. So basically you starve a child who's desperate for connection from oxygen. Right? It's a terrible idea. You're right. They will claw through the walls to get out of your house so they can breathe with connection being their breath, right? And if you have a young daughter whose dad has been absent or abusive or treated their mother like crap or been highly, like, you know, uh, critical, what it like, then yes, she's going to go find the nearest warm bodied male that says, I love you.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 9:00Dr. John Delony?

  To, absolutely.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  And that's exactly what I fear she's doing, right? She's that she's blinded by the fact that he, this boy, has strong feelings for her. And she thinks, oh, this is it. This is the guy who's gonna love me no matter what, right?

• 9:16Dr. John Delony?

  Totally get that. Totally get that. And what I want you to do is I want you to think about 25 year old her.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 9:25Dr. John Delony?

  Who's holding a toddler.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  And is not in school. Or didn't go to school because she couldn't. Who looks at you and says, why did you let me run amok when I was 15? Because I'd get mad at you?

• 9:40Dr. John Delony?

  Now, listen, I got a 14 year old. I'm not saying this is easy. It's a nightmare. I hate it. I hate it. Right? And I don't have near the challenges you have.

• 9:50Dr. John Delony?

  I just know the nights after we have hard conversations about something I'm drawing a hard line on, man. It's, I, I know what it costs my kid. I hate it. In your case, the, the, the false dichotomy is it's either I let him go, let her cross my fingers and let her like, I give this 17 year old a stern talking to and then I let my daughter out with the wolves. Which, by the way, let's just do the math. I don't know what the, what the age of consent is in, in, in Nevada, but what is he, six months, eight months away from being 18? And this is illegal?

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, it will technically be illegal for a few months.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  It will be. And if he's got pictures of her on his phone right now, he's, you get what I'm saying? Like, this is a mess waiting to happen. But let's back all the way up.

• 10:40Dr. John Delony?

  If you keep her from a rattlesnake, if you keep her from getting hurt. Um.

• 10:49Dr. John Delony?

  You have to, you have to backfill that connection.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Right.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  And that's exhausting. You don't have time. You probably have to work another job now because you're trying to figure out how you're going to pay bills post divorce. Like, I'm not saying this is easy. It's a nightmare.

• 11:05Dr. John Delony?

  But this is, this is your mother moving in with you for a season. This is y'all finding an aunt or your sister. This is, we'll do whatever we gotta do, cuz we got about three years, maybe two. We can do anything for two or three years. But we're gonna go to breakfast once a week. We're gonna have dinner. I'm gonna be obnoxious. I'm gonna take your phone if I gotta do that. You're not having a car. Like, I'm gonna do these things, and a 16-year-old can run away. They can. There's not a lot we can do. We can call the police and get her back and yada, yada. But it's a tough season. And the research says divorce on 15-year-old kids on early teens is really impactful. Not to mention the, the father figure she's grown up seeing. This is hard.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  But I guess what I'm trying to present to you is, I get how trapped you feel. And this is the time to wrap your arms around that girl and say, "I can't let you do this." Can I give you some tips on connection points?

• 12:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  This is, she's 15. She's seen a lot of life. This is when you sit down and say, "Here's what happened to me when I was 15." "This is what happened to me when I was 18." And that's when she sees her mother as a person, not as this overlord. You get what I'm saying?

• 12:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. And the, since I moved out and everything, we've had a lot of those conversations, right? I mean, it's, it's actually, um, in many ways improved my relationship with them, my mothers.

• 12:50Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely is. And I think it gives you a, a little sliver of credibility.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:58Dr. John Delony?

  To say, "Hey, I can't. I can't." If he defended somebody and he got arrested and got convicted and whatever, then I'll salute him, but I'm, I'm not, I'm not gonna, you can't go out with a 17-year-old with an ankle monitor on.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  We're just not gonna have that. We're not gonna have that story. When you're 18, you can do what you wanna do. Unless you're still living at my house, eating my food, and/or I'm still paying your tuition.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:23Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't about control. This is about safety.

• 13:29Dr. John Delony?

  And I know, I can't, I can't imagine being in your seat when you made a hard call to value your dignity and your character to leave this guy who was cheating on you and rubbing your nose in misery. And they blame you for blowing up the house, or at least he does. And like, I get all of that.

• 13:48Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  And the last thing you want to do is to, oh, man, have one of your kids mad at you again. "I hate you, I'm leaving here, nobody loves me, he's the only one who loves me." I did, I get that. I guess the hard line I draw is that this is when she needs a boundary, she needs love, she needs connection, she needs a tight, tight squeeze, more than ever, more than ever. And as parents, like globally, but especially in the United States, we have to learn to be okay with teenagers who don't like us. We have to be okay with that.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good mom for modeling to her what it's like to have dignity and respect for yourself when your husband takes it, tries to take it from you. I applaud you. And I also know the road ahead of you is very difficult. I also applaud you for being honest and open and beginning to, like, you know, show these young girls, like, hey, I was a young girl too, and I've been hurt, and I found myself in crummy situations, and, and, and, and. And I'm drawing the line here. And that's when your extra connection has to begin. We're gonna have breakfast every week, we're gonna go on a date once a week, you and I are gonna have to keep a joint journal together, you and I are going to go for walks every

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  day, you and I are gonna start going to the gym or yoga or something together, I'm gonna double down on connection, she's gonna hate it and be mad, "I can't believe us, I don't wanna go." And then she's gonna wake up and be 18 and exhale and say, "Thank God my mom came and got me."

• 15:27Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good, good mom, Mary.

• 15:31Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for loving these girls. And thank you for having a radar that went up. Ain't no 17-year-old boy with an ankle monitor dating my daughter. And I know that sounds old and paternalistic, and I simply don't care.

• 15:44Dr. John Delony?

  We'll be right back.

• 15:47Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Let's go out to San Bernardino, California, and talk to, well, well, well, my Michelle. What's up, Michelle?

• 18:43Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

• 18:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. How about you?

• 18:48Speaker 03

  Pretty good.

• 18:50Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 18:51Speaker 03

  I wanted to get into my question. I wanted to know, how can I support my husband wanting to go out of state and start a new business while we have a six month old at home and twins on the way?

• 19:04Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, gosh. What?

• 19:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 19:10Dr. John Delony?

  What business is he going to start?

• 19:11Speaker 03

  He currently works for a plumbing company. So they kind of want to expand it and start other ones out of state.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  I imagine that when they're like, man, we need somebody to move out of state. He's like, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.

• 19:25Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 19:27Dr. John Delony?

  Um, there's a hurricane. There's been a human explosion at my house. I'll come back in three years. God, I got it. Um, yeah, it's not a good time, huh?

• 19:36Speaker 03

  I totally don't think so. And when he brought it up to me, I was not happy and said, no.

• 19:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's not helpful either.

• 19:44Speaker 03

  I'm like, who am I? Like, that's not good.

• 19:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Um.

• 19:51Dr. John Delony?

  In these kind of situations, um. Again, he's not on the phone, so I can't, I can't, I don't know what's going on in his mind, what's going on in his soul, who knows? And so I can only speculate. So I don't want to do that too much. Um. But, y'all, I say this often on the show, and I'll say it again here. Often when there's a newborn, this isn't an excuse, but it's a context for everybody out there to stop with the Hollywood stuff and to speak very clearly to each other about what you need and what you want. Um, husbands also often have a kid come home and they have no idea what to do. And if you try to Google what to do, it is super unhelpful. And none of their guy friends can help very much.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 20:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so. Home becomes a failure factory. I don't know how to succeed here. And the good husbands who find themselves stuck. They're trying to Google, they're trying to help, they're trying to wash the bottles, and they do that wrong, and they do the diapers wrong. And then my wife comes home and goes, hey, guess what? I'm having twins. They're like, oh, gosh. They know, they know one place where they can be successful for their family, and that's at work. And.

• 20:54Speaker 03

  And that's what he tells me.

• 20:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so really, that's a man that doesn't feel like he has a purpose in his own house. And so he's found the one thing he can do that society says, this is the way you love your family.

• 21:06Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 21:07Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And there is some truth to that. Like, right? Providing for his three kids and his, and his pregnant wife, that's important. Um, it's critically important. Um, but so is being present, being home, being around during this chaos. It, but if you, if you rattle off and say no, then you quickly become his mother. And he's been rebelling against her his whole life, hasn't he?

• 21:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  Do not think about that.

• 21:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, we're not, I don't want to be his mom.

• 21:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:37Dr. John Delony?

  But here's what you need. Beneath the no is what?

• 21:43Dr. John Delony?

  Like when he brought that up, what did you immediately think? Give me the things that you started rattling off in your mind that if he's gone, won't get done, won't happen, fill that, fill those blanks in for me.

• 21:55Speaker 03

  It was more so, I thought to myself, you're not going to be around to see them grow up. Because in his head, it, from what he told me, it can take two to three years to become successful.

• 22:11Speaker 03

  So with that, it will take that time and I see my six month old now sees him and she smiles when she gets home and I'm thinking to myself, why do you not want to be here for that?

• 22:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but let me flip that around on you. Having held a six month old, I've, I don't think I've ever felt that scared and inept in my life.

• 22:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 22:34Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't know what to do.

• 22:36Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 22:37Dr. John Delony?

  I just knew I couldn't feed him other than unless, you know, we, my wife had pumped, I, I knew I was kind of useless. I know now that's not true.

• 22:45Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 22:46Dr. John Delony?

  But I, I want you to not personal, in the same way that he's like, why aren't we making out anymore? And you're like, because I'm a human jungle gym right now, right? And he takes that personal. I don't want you to take his request to start a business as, take that personal too. Does that make sense?

• 23:02Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I feel like I kind of look at like everything in the sense of finances. I currently work and we're looking to me not working anymore and just being at home because paying for childcare is going to be way more than what it's worth.

• 23:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 23:19Speaker 03

  I might as well just watch them on my own, but I feel like all that scares me. And the thought of him not coming home every night is just like, how am I supposed to do this all by myself? And trying to get a degree at the same time.

• 23:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Well, that's where you got to write that stuff down and let's have that conversation.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 23:37Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's what you're telling him in those moments.

• 23:43Dr. John Delony?

  I need you. I want you here.

• 23:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm so proud of you trying to protect our family, to earn for our family, to go start a new business so that I can stay home. And if this is a math problem, you all need to be honest about your math problem, okay?

• 24:01Dr. John Delony?

  And it may be that we gotta leave San Bernardino, California, which is a very expensive place to live, and we're all moving out of state.

• 24:08Dr. John Delony?

  There's a math problem to this. But beneath it, and again, I'm trying to be as altruistic as possible. This guy may suck. You mean, he take all this personally, like he's trying to run away from you guys, right? That may be the case. Kelly's nodding, yes, yes, yes. Like, he may be terrible. I'm trying to be as altruistic as I can. But beneath the no is, I want you here. You play an important role here, and here's what that is. I can't do this by myself. I need you home.

• 24:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  And then it is, tell me what scares you about holding that baby.

• 24:44Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me what scares you about, and now you're getting into dangerous territory for a guy because vulnerability gets a guy killed on the works, on the work site, in the boardroom, it gets a guy killed. And so you're asking him to do something that's scary to him.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  And if he's honest, he may say, I'm scared about money, or I'm scared about having three kids in here and not knowing what to do. Or he may say, I'm a jerk, I don't want to be here. He won't say he's a jerk, but this is his way of leaving you.

• 25:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I know, like, partly it's from what we've talked about very little, because I try not to get super emotional and

• 25:23Dr. John Delony?

  Why?

• 25:23Speaker 03

  Just like shut the conversation down.

• 25:25Dr. John Delony?

  Why do you do that?

• 25:26Speaker 03

  Because, I don't know, I constantly tell myself, oh, it's because I'm pregnant, but I know

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  It could be because you love your husband, you don't want him to leave.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  And then he tells me, well, I want to get us a good foundation so we don't have to work. And when they're at the point where they go to school, we'll be having this income and we'll be able to take them to school and not have to worry about money. And I'm like, okay, but what if it doesn't work? And then I tell him that, and then he says, why are you like killing my dreams? I'm like, I'm not trying to, I'm trying to be realistic.

• 26:00Dr. John Delony?

  It's not about killing a dream, it's just not a good time.

• 26:06Dr. John Delony?

  If somebody else goes and starts this particular branch of this company that him and his partners are running, in two or three years, there will be multiple state opportunities there, too.

• 26:18Dr. John Delony?

  And you'll have two, three-year-olds, and you'll have a five-year-old, and then y'all can make some plans. I moved across the country with my one, two-year-old, and she did great.

• 26:29Dr. John Delony?

  I know there's nothing like moving a circus like you would be moving, but, like, you know what I mean? Like, you can do that. But right now, it's just not a good time.

• 26:41Dr. John Delony?

  But if you shut down every time you get emotional and blame pregnancy, or blame, like, "He needs to hear, 'I love you and I miss you.'"

• 26:51Speaker 03

  And I know I don't say that enough, and I try and do that more, but it's a whole other thing.

• 27:00Dr. John Delony?

  Again, I'm trying not to be altruistic and think of the best birth writing. If you come back and you're like, "No, actually, he sucks. He's a terrible guy," then that's a whole other thing.

• 27:15Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to spend some time writing down what it is, and it sounds so common sense, right? Me on the other side of this thing, I can be like, "Bro, you gotta do X, Y, and Z," all these things, totally. But I want you to, "He needs to hear you say, 'I need you.'" Is that Hollywood? No. Hollywood, he's just supposed to read your mind and know and have downloaded all the childcare info and all that kind of stuff. I'm not trying to provide this guy a pass, right? He's that interested in plumbing, he could get that interested in child raising, I know he could figure that stuff out. I'm just saying, at home, he's trying to come up with other options down the road. And here's how I can love you guys. And if you say, "Actually, here's how you could love us right now," that becomes a

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  compelling message, other than, "No! No! You can't do that!"

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because my guess is that'll send him running for the door even faster. Or maybe not, maybe he'll just live and dead in his own skin and blame you for the whole time, and that's resentment, and we don't want that either.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, not a good time. I'd love to talk to him, though. I want to find out if he's a great guy like I'm hoping he is, or if he's kind of a box of turds. But, Kelly, I can see you just fuming over there. What are you thinking?

• 28:29Speaker 02

  I'm flabbergasted.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, flabbergasted away.

• 28:35Dr. John Delony?

  At me or him?

• 28:37Speaker 02

  Him.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  You a little bit.

• 28:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Only because you're being nicer than I, and I think the crew in here are...

• 28:48Speaker 02

  I just, you know, yes, you know, when you're holding that six-month-old, and I get all that, and tough crap.

• 28:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  You can't run away. She's gonna have three children under nine months old.

• 29:05Dr. John Delony?

  But you know what that means.

• 29:09Speaker 02

  No, actually, I don't, because I brought mine home older than that. So, no, I don't.

• 29:13Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but you know, again, maybe I... Which one is right, Michelle? You can answer this. Am I being too soft on this guy?

• 29:23Speaker 03

  I want to say no, because I know him, and he means totally well, and trust me, so I think he's amazing, but it's just one little thing.

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  Well, moving out for three years is a huge thing. It's not one little thing. I guess, Kelly, here's the thing that catches me. I personally remember, and maybe I'm too biased for this call, I personally remember thinking, "I don't know how to do this, and I don't know how to do this. I can help my family at the office." And so I took another job, and then another job, and then another job. And him circling back, saying, "I'm trying to set us up so in five years, I can be with you guys fully," which we all know that's not true. None of that is true. If he's successful, and that's successful, there'll be 54 more branches open across the country, right? So, that's not even true.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  But either he's lying, or he is saying, "Okay, I want to be here all the time, and if I just sacrifice right now," and he just doesn't understand, you can't burn that time.

• 30:26Speaker 02

  And I do get that, and I see that where he feels like that's the best thing that he can do, and just...

• 30:33Dr. John Delony?

  It's madness. Any rational person is madness to leave your wife for three days.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  Michelle, I'm totally team you here on this one.

• 30:39Dr. John Delony?

  I am too.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  100%. I just know that that running is not the option.

• 30:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you can't. Not the right time. Not the right time. I, Michelle, want, again, instead of you saying, "No," I want to hear you write out for yourself and for him, "Here's why I need you here." And this might sound so absurd and so dumb, but he needs to hear, and not just tasks. You need to do diapers. It is, this is a marriage-building moment. This is a before and after for your marriage. "I see you, and I need you, and I want you here, and I know you don't think that you're providing things, you are. You're a critical piece, you're way more important than some stupid plumbing business. You're their dad, you're my husband, you're the foundation of this home, I need you here, especially during these first few crazy years."

• 31:31Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, Michelle. Give him that gift, and if he rubs your nose in it, call me back, and I'll eat crow, and then we'll call him together. That'd be fun. But hopefully, hopefully. Kelly is shaking her head at me. Youf! We'll be right back.

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. In my house, I would prefer to go to sleep somewhere just south of the Arctic Circle. I like it cold. And my wife, on the other hand, would prefer to sleep on the surface of the sun. We can't agree on temperature, but we can agree on how much we both love our Cozy Earth sheets. And I don't know how they do it, it's some kind of temperature jujitsu, but she stays comfortable on her side, and I stay comfortable on mine, and we're both happy. And it won't shock you to know that before I started learning more about bedding, I just thought sheets were sheets were sheets. And I have come to learn, not all sheets are created equal. There's a wide range of quality. From my awful, cheap, old, fitted sheet I slept on in college to masterfully crafted

• 32:31Dr. John Delony?

  sheets created with softness, strength, temperature regulation, and comfort throughout. And Cozy Earth is not just another bed sheet company. They make their sheets out of viscose from bamboo. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. And remember, Cozy Earth's spring into comfort sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. Forty percent off all products. That's forty percent off. Visit cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY right now. That's C-O-Z-Y. Cozylearth.com/deloney. Use code DELONY. All right, we're back. Hey, before we take the next call, listen, I missed the math on this. Huge whiff on my part.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  All right, you were doing the math, Kelly. What do you got on this last call here?

• 33:19Speaker 02

  Okay, well, we just figured out that if their infant is six months old right now, and they're due with twins in May, that's three months from now. That means there's gonna be nine months.

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  That means there was some rocket on to the break of dawn, like, in the hospital.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, or like, the day they came home, which concerns me

• 33:38Dr. John Delony?

  That's a lot.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  More for Michelle because

• 33:41Dr. John Delony?

  Because whoa.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  That's not safe for her. And so, I think that lends

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  I totally whiffed on that math.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  That lends to why I felt the way I did about him was because of this as well. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe the math is different, I hope.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  Judgy Janet over here.

• 33:57Speaker 02

  I know, and I normally don't get this worked up about him, but I just, that on top of everything else, it left a bad taste.

• 34:04Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh, I wish we could get him back on the phone. We won't do it on this one, but I'd love to know the math on that.

• 34:09Speaker 02

  Michelle, if you're listening and we're wrong on the math, please, please, please tell me.

• 34:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, we'll clarify it on the show. But yes, if

• 34:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. I whiffed on that one. There is signs in the hospital that says like, like, here's the deal. They have to give, tell you to take time because you know, somebody's tried.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Oh, a hundred percent.

• 34:33Dr. John Delony?

  Even the ones like no sex during the like, like while like somebody's in labor, like you know that those signs are up and those like because somebody has tried.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  Signs and warnings only happen after somebody's tried it.

• 34:45Dr. John Delony?

  That's astonishing to me.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. Like when you read some stupid like, you know, label about.

• 34:51Dr. John Delony?

  Do not ingest.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's because someone has done it.

• 34:56Dr. John Delony?

  God help us all. We're doomed. Let's go out to Carroll, Iowa and talk to Victor. What's up Victor?

• 35:03Speaker 04

  Hey, John. How's it going?

• 35:04Dr. John Delony?

  Good, man. What's up?

• 35:07Speaker 04

  Um, well, if you don't mind, I've got a thought about your conversation just now.

• 35:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, let it rip.

• 35:13Speaker 04

  If my wife, if, if I'd tried to get anywhere like sidle up to my wife in any way in the first six months, she would have shot me.

• 35:22Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's because y'all are from Iowa. That's kind of the thing, but no, dude. Yeah. I don't know how this math works. Sheesh.

• 35:28Speaker 04

  Yeah. No, you want to stay away from that. So.

• 35:32Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, man?

• 35:33Speaker 04

  Anyway.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  Um, well, on the, uh, subject of my wife and being a mother.

• 35:41Dr. John Delony?

  Nice transition.

• 35:43Speaker 04

  Yeah. My, my question is, um, how do I help her to stop mothering everybody? Uh, that isn't her child.

• 35:55Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. Tell me about that.

• 35:59Dr. John Delony?

  You're on dangerous thin ice, homie. Like, I'll walk up there a little bit. Okay, go for it.

• 36:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, she's, she's the one who brought it up in a conversation with everybody go. But so. Uh, long story short, when she was about twelve, um, her dad had, was having some serious, occasionally life-threatening health issues. Her mom had a bad miscarriage, and she became kind of pseudo-mother. Hmm. Um, and she's the, she's the second oldest, but she's, uh, she loves to cook. She bakes when she gets angry, so, um. That sounds awesome. Yeah, it, well, it's great, except that our kitchen is perpetually dirty at the moment, so I don't get, she's just angry with nowhere to vent.

• 36:51Speaker 04

  Hmm. Um, but yeah, she, she, since twelve years old, she's been mother to her siblings and some of her extended family as well. I mean, her, uh, her youngest aunt is, I think, three years older. So who's she, who's she overmothering now? Well, she's trying really hard not to, but we've, we've got one of her younger brothers living with us. Um, we had her older sister and her two boys living with us, uh, a short time ago, maybe a year ago. And, um, it's, it's just, the whole family is

• 37:35Speaker 04

  always talking to each other and, um, and so the, the opinions fly, the, the gossip flies. Um, and she's, she tries really hard to not, uh, put her opinions into everybody else's ear and remind herself that most of them are adults and they have their own lives and they have their own mother and. Yeah, but when they move into your house.

• 38:10Speaker 04

  Well, and when they, they move into our house, um, her older sister was recently divorced, uh, had a, what, seven year, no, eight, nine-year-old, and those two are bonkers. Um.

• 38:25Speaker 04

  Well, he, he, here's the thing, I, I say it on the show all the time, and this is a perfect example of it.

• 38:30Dr. John Delony?

  The things that your body and spirit and mind and nervous system did to survive as a kid will blow up your adult relationships.

• 38:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, and that's, that's where everybody else is outside the house.

• 38:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, she has to decide. Forget everybody else, forget everybody's opinion, forget everybody's anything. It is you and her, ride or die, that is it.

• 38:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:55Dr. John Delony?

  And she has to choose two things. Number one, to be honest about what she wants and what she needs. And she probably is gonna have to practice that because she's never given herself permission. As a kid, she didn't have permission. But she's never given herself permission to ask that question. And you're gonna have to be a steadfast supporter and you gotta put your oxygen mask on first.

• 39:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:20Dr. John Delony?

  And then the second thing is, she's gonna have to practice being uncomfortable saying no. Because she doesn't have a psychology for it. She doesn't have a wiring for it.

• 39:28Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, she's, she learned somewhat. She's, um, there was a while she was bouncing around between relatives helping with babies because there's, for the last six years, there had been two or three babies across the family at a time.

• 39:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but tell me, like, let's, let's pause all that. How's your marriage?

• 39:49Speaker 04

  Well, um, we're, at the moment, we're struggling. We're, we've been married about three years. We got a two-year-old and a nine-month-old. Um.

• 40:01Dr. John Delony?

  Why are you struggling?

• 40:03Speaker 04

  And, well, a lot of it's, a lot of it's stress of work. I'm stressed out because I don't feel like we have enough. We, we have enough money for our bills and then a little despair. But to me, it doesn't feel like enough. And she's trying to, she's been trying to get me to understand that we do have enough. Um, but our house is always a disaster.

• 40:35Dr. John Delony?

  Both of you, that, that's it. Your house, you brought that up twice. Your house is a disaster. You don't, you don't think you have enough money.

• 40:40Speaker 04

  That's the biggest thing.

• 40:41Dr. John Delony?

  How's your, what's your, um, sex and intimacy life like?

• 40:46Speaker 04

  It's pretty good, actually.

• 40:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, awesome.

• 40:49Speaker 04

  We we're we try to be very open with each other.

• 40:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:52Speaker 04

  And I'm very much a physical touch guy. Um, and so we we try to be open with each other, but at the same time, I have a really, I've always had a hard time articulating what I'm feeling.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 41:09Speaker 04

  Um, I I'm gonna I just don't have that toolbox.

• 41:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I want to lean on you, though, that you you gotta you gotta you got that can't be a thing you sit on. That can't be a lawn chair.

• 41:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:17Dr. John Delony?

  You lean back in. You gotta go forward. And it might be writing it down and writing it down and writing it down until you can say, here's what I want. I want you. Here's what I need. How can I love you today? And then vice versa.

• 41:31Dr. John Delony?

  But y'all have to, uh, he- here's the thing. If she doesn't feel anchored at home, she's gonna just default back to 12 year old her, 12 year old her, 12 year old her, because that's what her nervous system knows.

• 41:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:42Dr. John Delony?

  That that neural wiring is already in place. And if she feels anchored and has a purpose and connected at her house, then she can have a chance to begin to practice these other things.

• 41:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:54Dr. John Delony?

  But y'all have to have a shared, a shared path moving forward, which is, as for our house. And you can be honest about, hey, I don't think we have enough. And she can say, we have plenty. And then the beauty about that conversation is it's a math problem.

• 42:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And in my house, it's a math problem, and I'm a little bit crazy on one end, and my wife is a little bit open handed on the other end, and we both make space for each other.

• 42:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:24Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't bother her one tiny bit to have a mortgage on a house that you're paying off with some speed. Um, I can't sleep at night. And I really want a deep freezer with like a year's worth of food in it. She's like, huh, okay, whatever. Right? So we we make some concessions for each other because we're on the same team.

• 42:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:44Dr. John Delony?

  But almost always, when I hear somebody defaulting back to their time when they were a kid, it's because their body recognizes I'm out of control again.

• 42:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:55Speaker 04

  Well, and growing up, she had uh, what, three, three generations um, within hundred square yards.

• 43:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 04

  Um, it did just, there was grandma and grandpa and their kids. And then each, like, uh, there were three or four other families of, of the

• 43:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, again, you, you keep taking me, you keep taking me back. I want to come here.

• 43:21Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, and, and that's, uh, the reason I bring that up is she in, in some of our, our hardest moments in the last couple of weeks even, um, she is wondering, do we stay here in Iowa? Do we move back to New Mexico or to Idaho where both of our families are?

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, now let's have that real question.

• 43:41Speaker 04

  So that we can be close for, for kids, like, help of kids with grandparents and stuff like that.

• 43:46Dr. John Delony?

  And you need to be able to say, I would love that for you. Like, that's great and wonderful, or that terrifies me and here's why.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  Otherwise, you're gonna end up moving across the country in a move that you don't think is good for her or your family, or you, and you're gonna resent her and the family, or you're just gonna keep plowing ahead and trying to make more money at work and she's gonna resent you. You've gotta put that stuff on the table.

• 44:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:14Dr. John Delony?

  Her going back home to become a surrogate mother for all these kids is probably not a wise move right now with her own two kids and a young, very young, young, young marriage.

• 44:24Dr. John Delony?

  But it also may be a place where she gets some help with the kids too. Is she lonely?

• 44:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:31Dr. John Delony?

  Are you?

• 44:32Speaker 04

  That's one thing she says, oh, she's, I

• 44:37Speaker 04

  not sure how to answer that.

• 44:39Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, do you have god friends that you hang out with?

• 44:42Speaker 04

  No. I want to. I, I've never had a, never really had a gang, um, as it were.

• 44:52Dr. John Delony?

  I would put that at the top, top, top of your priority list. And I'm telling you, as a fellow guy, it's the worst. I hate it.

• 45:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  But our bodies come home dysregulated and our family absorbs our attention when we do that.

• 45:07Speaker 04

  Yeah. I can absolutely see that in our boys.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  And dude, I invited my neighbor to a concert the other night. I gave him like two hours notice. He's got a toddler, of course, he couldn't make it. And I was like, oh, man. I was, I was embarrassingly nervous all day to text him.

• 45:27Dr. John Delony?

  Me, me, I wrote the book on this. And I was like, man, I don't know, dude. What if the concert's weird? It's not good. It was so ridiculous.

• 45:37Dr. John Delony?

  And you know what? It ended up being magic. A great fun night. My buddy Brian Welch from Corn Shows. I mean, the whole thing was, ended up getting off the rails. It was a blast. And because I was a chicken all day, I didn't give this guy enough time. Right? I'm still working through it. I tell you that to tell you, there's amazing opportunities for connection on the other side of just being awkward and going first. This could be weird, man.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  But here's all the things I'm telling you. Like, I'm throwing a lot at you. Yeah. What matters the most is you and your wife decide. Let's clear the deck. What kind of home and marriage do we want to have? Because we get to build whatever we want.

• 46:23Dr. John Delony?

  You have, you have bricks in your backpack from your childhood. Your wife has bricks in her backpack from her childhood. She's got automated default setting to run across the country and save everybody from themselves because she had to do that growing up. You've got your default settings, which is probably scarcity and not enough money. We've got to work, got to work, got to work. And y'all need to sit down and say, okay, those things kept us safe and got us here. And we get to choose what happens next.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  And you saying, I just don't do that well. It's not my toolkit. You got to get that toolkit. You got to learn how to talk openly and directly with your wife. That's the way you can love her, clear as kind, right? And her vice versa. And, and, and, and, and, and.

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so I guess the answer is to how does she stop mothering is let's get her a place where she can anchor in with you. Anchor in in a way that she's never anchored in before. And by the way, her body tells her that you might die, you might leave, you might get sick. And so let's, let's honor that. Her body's not broken, it's just playing, running a script that it already knows. I will be right here. How can I love you today? I'll be right here. What kind of marriage do we want to build? And we're going to build it, and we're going to build it, and we're going to build it. And it might include moving, it might include not moving, it might include one year of just you socking away a bunch of money in an emergency fund so that you can exhale some, and then y'all move across the country to New Mexico. Who knows what it ends up being?

• 47:48Dr. John Delony?

  But it's going to start with y'all saying, as for our house, we're going to choose peace. And what does that even mean? Thank you so much for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering. Prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like

• 48:30Dr. John Delony?

  Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg, and you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Hallow's Lent Challenge for Kids. It's called The Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family, as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at hallow.com/daloni, you'll get three months for free, so you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out Hallow at hallow.com/daloni for three months for free.

• 49:12Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. This is the second time we're back because Kelly's not reading it read good. Go ahead, Kelly.

• 49:18Speaker 02

  I'm blaming it on...

• 49:19Dr. John Delony?

  Here we go, the cough syrup.

• 49:20Speaker 02

  Yes, because I've had the flu and I'm just back and the brain is still not 100% engaged. I'm not gonna lie.

• 49:26Dr. John Delony?

  It always is, otherwise.

• 49:28Speaker 02

  Well, somebody's has to be.

• 49:30Dr. John Delony?

  100% engaged.

• 49:31Speaker 02

  Yep. All right. So this is from Sarah in California and she writes, "My husband and I have had a bit of a strained sex life. On my end is due to lack of emotional intimacy. He knows this. On his end, he says he's tired of being rejected. I have made attempts to bridge the connection by reaching out in a sexual nature. For example, I got us a couples' sex adventure book. When I do these things, I am met with responses like, 'Well, that's gonna make a nice paperweight.' This makes me feel rejected and my efforts die there. Am I the problem for letting these comments get to me?"

• 50:06Dr. John Delony?

  No. Like sex and rejection are so deeply intertwined. It's like so personal. I mean, it's the ultimate, "This is all of me. Do you still love me?" And when somebody's like, "Hey, this is all of me, even underneath my skin," right? And I'm trying. And when somebody tries in a vulnerable state and it's met with, "Oh, that's stupid," dude, that cuts to the soul, man. Yeah, no, not at all. I would be heartbroken. And I'm so sick of the, "I'm tired of getting rejected." We need another, we need some more language there, right? Because that's just trying to make somebody else's life all about you. Let's get some different language there, man.

• 50:47Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, she has every reason to feel heartbroken. This is a conversation that needs to happen in the daytime, like over a breakfast, like, hey, we're not seeing each other eye to eye here. What needs to happen? And dude, what was the book?

• 51:06Speaker 02

  She just said it was a...

• 51:07Dr. John Delony?

  A sex adventure book?

• 51:08Speaker 02

  Adventure book, yeah.

• 51:09Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, tell her to put the link in the show notes on that one. Yo, yo. Love you guys. Bye.