Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?

On today’s episode, we hear about: • A man struggling with comparison and self-esteem • A wife wondering if she and her husband should move near her family before having kids • A husband seeking advice on how to make friends in his 40s Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY. 🏔️ Head To Poncho Outdoors To Check Out All Their Styles Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I am trying to improve my life a bit. Therapy, psychiatry, and all the works. I'm on Zolo. I take risperidone, lamictal, clonopin, gabapentin.

• 0:15Dr. John Delony?

  Good God. Okay, so...

• 0:18Speaker 00

  Yes, a lot.

• 0:21Dr. John Delony?

  I don't get into your psychiatry. That's a lot.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your life, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you've got going on. Here's my promise. I'm gonna sit with you and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. There's a lot of tough stuff going on in people's lives these days, from their relationships, their kids, their partners, to that person they see in the mirror every day, their mental and emotional health. Whatever you've got going on, give me a buzz. For the last 20-plus years, I've been sitting with hurting people, and I'd love to sit down with you. Give me a call, 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com/ask. A-S-K. Let's go to Grand Rapids. I love Grand Rapids. Talk to Chris. What's up, Chris?

• 1:15Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

• 1:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. What's up, man?

• 1:19Speaker 00

  Well, I emailed in about a week ago, and I got a good question for you.

• 1:23Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Let's do it.

• 1:24Speaker 00

  I am trying to improve my life a bit. I'm definitely doing that through therapy, psychiatry, and all the works. But I find something I'm running into, kind of a roadblock, is that I compare myself to other people. Specifically, men, but it can be anyone.

• 1:41Dr. John Delony?

  So, take me back, man. How'd you end up in a psychiatrist's office?

• 1:45Speaker 00

  So, this was about a decade ago, actually. My parents, my dad got a job with Nissan in Tennessee, right by you, actually. And he moved down to start the job when I was a junior. My mom stayed with me to finish high school in Michigan, and then when I graduated, she moved down with her. My senior year was just a mess, a complete disaster of mental health, emotional health. The whole thing was just a disaster for everyone involved. I got really depressed. I started going to therapy, psychiatry, and just doing whatever I could. And so, it's just been a continuing road from there.

• 2:17Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you now, brother?

• 2:19Speaker 00

  Twenty-eight.

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  Twenty-eight, so about ten years, man. So, what did they, what'd they label you with? What'd they diagnose you with back in, when you were eighteen?

• 2:28Speaker 00

  Well, when I was eighteen, it was a major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety, a few other anxiety disorders. Um, this last year though, about a year and a half ago, they diagnosed me with bipolar type two.

• 2:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What, what, what, what had them? Why'd they do that?

• 2:46Speaker 00

  So, I was on medication-

• 2:47Dr. John Delony?

  What was the presenting behaviors? Is that a nerd way to say that?

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, so I was on medication, Klonopin, um, which is obviously, as you know, suppressant, a depressant. Um, and I came off of it just to see, like, you know, I think my anxiety will be okay, which it was. But then I started to see an increase in episodes of just feeling really, really good. Um, like, so good to the point where I was like, man, I feel like I'm almost on cocaine or something. Like, I feel so good. Um, and this happened on a repeated basis, about once a month. And I ended up finding a pattern and presented it to my doctors and they said, wow, there really is a huge pattern here. It happens on the regular, once a month, just like expected. Um, so they kind of diagnosed me with it.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  Was there a problem with feeling really good once a month?

• 3:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I was making mistakes and I was, um, not catching myself and just overall being a bit destructive in my life. I also spend a lot of money when I'm kind of in that high space.

• 3:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  Um, you know, like, one time I spent five hundred dollars.

• 3:52Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, I spent five hundred dollars yesterday, but that's because it's deer, deer season. I don't make great choices in deer season. Um, what, um, what, uh, what are you taking right now?

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Quite a bit. Um, I'm on Zoloft. I take risperidone, uh, lamictal, Klonopin, um, and I'm missing one, gabapentin.

• 4:15Dr. John Delony?

  Good God. Okay, so-

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, a lot.

• 4:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but you're taking an antipsychotic and you're taking gabapentin? You don't, you don't drink, do you?

• 4:27Speaker 00

  No, not anymore. I'm four and a half years sober.

• 4:29Dr. John Delony?

  Good for you, brother. Congratulations. Okay.

• 4:32Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 4:35Dr. John Delony?

  I don't get into your psychiatry, that's a, that's a lot. Like, that tells me that you are either struggling mightily with major depressive disorders still, plus psychotic features, plus anxiety on top of it, and you're struggling to sleep, is that right?

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Struggling to sleep, um, I don't have psychotic features officially, I've never really dealt with those. Um, we usually, we use the psychotic mostly for me, uh, when it hits.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  So is it as needed?

• 5:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, kind of. I take it daily, but it really could be as needed.

• 5:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, um, how long did it take them to diagnose you with bipolar two?

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Eight years.

• 5:19Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, did, like, when they started, when they started the, the diagnostic, did they do it right in, in a, in one meeting? Cause, cause, cause here's the thing, bipolar two, I want someone to track you and follow you and you come back and you come back, and that's something that they look at over time.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  Oh, yes. I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for three years now.

• 5:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  Um, and so there's definitely been check-ins once a month or so, if not more, um, just to kind of see my progress and how I'm doing.

• 5:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Alright, so-

• 5:48Speaker 00

  And even she wasn't convinced at first.

• 5:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Alright, so I'm not a medical doctor, so I'm gonna keep my mouth shut on my opinions there. Here's the, the bigger thing. How do you feel right now, man?

• 5:59Speaker 00

  Um, in this literal moment, a bit tense, cause I'm on a podcast.

• 6:03Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, nobody listens to this thing, Chris. Nobody listens to this. Um, alright, so you're, you're on a podcast.

• 6:11Speaker 00

  Yep. Um, overall, I'm feeling good. I'm a little stressed about work, but I think it's a healthy amount, you know, normal work stress. Um, so-

• 6:20Dr. John Delony?

  What does your activity level look like? You getting outside? Are you able to go exercise? You're, you're on a lot of stuff that would suggest you're probably put on some weight, probably feel pretty lethargic sometimes.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  I feel pretty lethargic. Um, I actually just put on weight and then lost it. I measured myself this morning and I'm 20 pounds down.

• 6:39Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, congrats.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Which is not saying a lot for me.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  Chris, that's saying a lot for anybody, brother. That's a lot. That's excellent, man. So are you, are you overweight now? Would you be classified as overweight?

• 6:49Speaker 00

  No, I've never been classified as overweight, even when I was the heaviest I ever was.

• 6:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you're very, very thin?

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Very thin, all of my whole life. I have the biggest gut right now I've ever had, which is, again, not saying much.

• 6:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so where did 20 pounds go? I can cheer you on, but that may have been unhealthy 20 pounds.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Um, no, actually it was a healthy 20 pounds. I went from 148, which is what I was last year, which was very unhealthy, couldn't gain weight, and then I put on like 40 pounds, 50 pounds, got to 200, and I was like, okay, I got a bit of a beer belly and I don't drink beer anymore, so time to do something about that.

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  I call that the gummy bear belly. Alright, so tell me how I can help. It sounds like you've got the, you've got professional care and it sounds like you are, I mean, you're staying in a pretty narrow window of behavior and like, uh, your physiology sounds like you're like, like, you know, all of us fluctuate and go up and down. You've got a ton of medication and that makes it tough and you're able to still power through that, which is amazing. How can I help, man?

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, well, just hoping we could talk about how I constantly compare myself to others. Um, whether that be through looking at, you know, I have a friend who owns a house and he's about the same age as me. Um, and I'm sitting in my apartment right now that I can't even afford 100% by myself. I still get a little bit of help from my parents, so.

• 8:08Dr. John Delony?

  What kind of work do you do?

• 8:09Speaker 00

  There's definitely an aspect of that. I'm in insurance. I'm a property and casualty licensed, uh, customer service representative.

• 8:16Dr. John Delony?

  So is your job to tell people no?

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Unfortunately. I don't like telling people no, but.

• 8:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so, um.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  See how to approach this because as far as I'm concerned, few people could hold a candle to your bravery.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 8:35Dr. John Delony?

  And few people will ever know who interact with you on a day to day basis. Few people will know the hell you walked through for the last 10 years. And the struggles you maintain on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 8:54Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, it's impressive.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 8:58Dr. John Delony?

  And you're, I say this like with a smile on my face. If you were here, you'd see this. And so this isn't a grenade I'm throwing, but you're pretty narked up. You got a lot going on like.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  A lot. I don't like all the medication for sure.

• 9:09Dr. John Delony?

  Pharmacologically, yeah. So here's the thing, you getting up and looking and saying, hey, I still got to go do some things. And you going to get those things done. I do. That's amazing. I'm impressed. The bigger question is, um, it sounds like you for the last 10 years, you may have been wandering through, just going through the motions to make sure that you trust the next step you take.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd say that's fair.

• 9:35Dr. John Delony?

  Because if you don't trust yourself to spend money when you're up, you, you, you found yourself in a place where you don't even trust yourself when you feel good.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, wow. I never thought of it that way.

• 9:45Dr. John Delony?

  And your baseline is I'm probably always feeling worse than the average person. And so you walk around every day with something that most people take for granted, which is you don't trust your own body. You don't trust your brain. That's a scary place to be, right?

• 10:04Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. No, it's terrifying.

• 10:05Dr. John Delony?

  So you, you, while the rest of us are walking down the road every day, you're walking on a tightrope.

• 10:13Dr. John Delony?

  And the fact that you're remotely keeping up with everybody is staggering. It's awesome.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 10:19Dr. John Delony?

  And I, you know, on the show, I'll tell you the truth, man. I would, I would clown you and but I, I'm, I'm thoroughly impressed. An antipsychotic I wrote down here, you, did you say Lamictal too?

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  And gabapentin?

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 10:33Dr. John Delony?

  And Klonopin?

• 10:35Speaker 00

  And Klonopin. Trying to get away from Klonopin eventually. I'm trying to find something to substitute it because I've been on it so long.

• 10:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that was pretty tough. But, but here's the thing. You getting up every day and getting after, I mean, it's amazing. The bigger question I want you to ask you is this. After 10 years of, like, I'm just picturing a tightrope between buildings and your arms are out and you're trying to stabilize yourself, right?

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, totally.

• 10:57Dr. John Delony?

  After 10 years of that, I wonder if, instead of surviving, you've never asked yourself, what do I actually want to do? Because I, I didn't hear in your voice that you want to be a, like, an insurance adjuster.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it's not a passion I have in life.

• 11:12Dr. John Delony?

  What do you want to go do, man?

• 11:14Speaker 00

  Hmm. You're asking me tough questions, shoot.

• 11:19Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, you thought, you thought about it. You thought about, like, when you, when you were like, man, I wish my brain worked like everybody else's. And yours doesn't, so here we are, right? Mine doesn't either.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  Um, right.

• 11:30Dr. John Delony?

  When, when you, when you ask yourself that, what, what would you do? What's your fantasy? What would you want to go do?

• 11:35Speaker 00

  You know what? If I could do anything, I would love to be a Hollywood actor.

• 11:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  Um, I think that'd be a ton of fun. I went to film school out here in Grand Rapids. Um, took some acting courses. Actually wasn't, you know, wasn't the most amazing at it, but I was good.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Um, so I just think it'd be something fun to do. The hours would be tough, but.

• 11:52Dr. John Delony?

  So do you reach out to local shoots there in Grand Rapids or in local theater and just, just to act because it brings you joy?

• 12:00Speaker 00

  I don't do local theater. I don't like getting up on stage in front of people.

• 12:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. From a social anxiety perspective or just because you just, you just don't like it?

• 12:08Speaker 00

  Um, both.

• 12:10Dr. John Delony?

  Because if it's, because here's the thing, if, if it's about anxiousness, I would love to see you try.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:16Dr. John Delony?

  I would love to see you experience that anxiousness and don't let your body's fear of what happens next rob you of a thing that you might love.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  Okay, for sure.

• 12:28Dr. John Delony?

  You've pathologized, not in a bad way, it's to keep you safe, but you've pathologized feeling good.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:37Dr. John Delony?

  And I mean, meaning like, I would love to be, I would love to open up the Michigan trades and see what, what commercials or local like whatevers, or even a small film that's shooting in, within a two or three hour radius of me, of me. Um, that brings you a lot of anxiety, right?

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 12:56Speaker 00

  Um, not as much as the stage.

• 12:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, yeah. Well, I, I, I have a, I have a tendency, and I want you to run this by your doctor, but I have a, I have a bias towards if there is something in the vicinity of things that I love,

• 13:12Dr. John Delony?

  I want to head into that problem. Can I tell you, can I give you a lame example that has nothing to do with what you're talking about? I am-

• 13:17Speaker 00

  I'm sure it won't be lame, go for it.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  I'm terrified of heights. Like in a, like in a comic way. I don't like getting on a ladder.

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  Very few things in the world scare me. Getting, like heights scare me. And I love, love, love getting out in the woods and hunting all fall.

• 13:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I have missed out on a lot of pretty neat opportunities because most hunting where I live is done in tree stands.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Okay.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And so this year, this year, after years and years and years of being out in the woods, I decided I'm gonna get over that. And so I've, I've taken some additional safety precautions, but also I've pushed myself, and here's the thing, I'm settling in already.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  Really?

• 14:05Dr. John Delony?

  Like I feel it. I put my fist in my chest and I feel that I'm nervous. And then I, I say, okay, I'm tied in here. So if I do fall out, I'm just gonna dangle from the tree because I'm tied in. And so then I begin to exhale through it. And now I am finding peace. But it just took, like, finding the thing that I was anxious about and going right into it.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:22Dr. John Delony?

  And, um, you may be in a, in a psychological state that you need somebody to walk with you. That's great, man.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  That's great. Um, but here's the thing, I want you to begin to ask yourself, what do you want to do? So the idea of packing up from Grand Rapids and moving to Hollywood, that's probably not gonna happen, right? At this stage of your life, fair?

• 14:41Speaker 00

  No, and I've built a life here, so I don't want to leave it.

• 14:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What, what, what, like, when it comes to-

• 14:48Dr. John Delony?

  Performing, talking, thinking of people. Like, what would you want to do?

• 14:53Speaker 00

  I'd love to be in front of the camera.

• 14:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  That would be the best thing, which actually my boss, just a week or so ago, gave me a local talent agency that I didn't know about. So definitely is something I want to explore.

• 15:04Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent.

• 15:04Speaker 00

  But being in front of the camera would be my number one thing.

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 15:08Speaker 00

  Getting the chance to screw up over and over again until we get it right, because then it's a safe zone to do that.

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  Unless Kelly is your producer and it's never safe. It's never safe, Chris. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna send you a copy of my buddy Ken Coleman's book, The Work You're Wired to Do. And it's got a, it's got, inside of it, it has, and I'm sending it to you for free, but it's got a, like, an assessment. It's called a get-clear assessment, is what he calls it, but it runs you through a, it takes a while, about 15, 20 minutes, but it runs you through a whole bunch of things and it points out some things you might be interested in. And the beautiful thing about actors, I think everybody in the planet, on planet Earth, in high school and in college, should have to take at least one theater course and one counseling course. Because a counseling course would teach you empathy and how to sit with people,

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  and a theater course would teach you how to stand in front of people and become... ...dot-dot-dot, right? And that will help you in sales, that will help you in any number of positions of having to give people bad news and deny claims, or to say yes to claims, or whatever your job happens to be, it helps you embody something else. And so, if you love acting, Chris, I want you to spend some time acting. I would love that for you. If you don't like being an insurance adjuster, being an actor may not pay your bills in a way that you can go buy a house and deal with some of those deeper core issues. I would love to see you get on some sort of exercise program. So the next time you see your doctor, I want you to say, "I'm gonna start an exercise program.

• 16:42Dr. John Delony?

  How can I get started?" And dude, there's a thousand, I want you to check out my buddy's MindPump.com, MindPumpFitness.com, that's the ones I use, or Jordan Syatt, S-Y-A-T-T. They've all got great, great programs that you can use to work out with. But when it comes to comparison, here's the thing. It's hard because you see an outside shell of somebody. You see the world that you think they're living.

• 17:05Dr. John Delony?

  And they see the world they think you're living and they don't know how hard it is for you on a day-to-day basis, on a week-by-week, month-by-month basis. And so you may not have a home yet, even though you're 28. You may not have a six-pack, even though you're 28, and you're a male, and whatever. You may not be dating anyone yet, whatever. But dude, you've got more bravery and strength than most. You've been going through it for a long, long time. And so I want you to sit down with your doctor and say, okay, we've been playing defense for a long time, 10 years. I want to start playing offense. I want to see what it looks like to begin to work through, walk right through some of these things that I'm anxious about. And it's just exposure. I want to start walking through some of this

• 17:48Dr. John Delony?

  stuff. I want to begin to get on the market and start dating. I want to get on the market and potentially get another job that might bring me a little more peace. And I'm going to start doing some acting stuff because I'm not, I'm not, I'm not married to anybody. I've got all the time in the world. After hours, I'm just get, I'm going to get after it. So Chris, here's one last thing. I want you to write Chris, 35-year-old Chris, a letter. Talk about how good you're going to feel, maybe one or two projects you've been a part of, or four or five projects you've been a part of. How you're going to go to the local talent agency and just start slowly dipping your toes in that stuff. Maybe join a local theater, maybe start an exercise program. I want you to write a letter to

• 18:29Dr. John Delony?

  35-year-old you and make a commitment. You've been fighting hard for a decade, and I want you to start living now. I'm so proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. And honestly, honestly, I can't wait to see what happens next. Cheer your friends on. When you see a buddy with a house, cheer them on. When you see a buddy with a six-pack, cheer them on. That's the antidote to gratitude, like celebration. That's the antidote to comparison, I think. But dude, I'm proud of you, brother. It's an honor that I got to talk to you. Call me anytime. We'll be right back.

• 19:02Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Durham, North Carolina and talk to Leah. What's up Leah?

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

• 19:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. How about you?

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Doing well. I just want to say thank you to your team so much for everything you guys do. You really impacted me a lot and I know so many others.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I appreciate that. It's mostly, it's probably like, like mostly me, but I'll thank them too. Leah, I literally, I literally do nothing. They run this whole thing. They're amazing.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  Yes, especially Kelly.

• 19:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're gonna go to the next caller and uh...

• 19:37Speaker 03

  I love her. I love you.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  So, my question is...

• 19:42Dr. John Delony?

  Especially Kelly. You're out of your mind. All right, so what's up?

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Is it worth the financial burden to move closer to family?

• 19:50Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  And I can give more context.

• 19:52Dr. John Delony?

  No. And I can hear, I can tell by your call, you don't want to. Why don't you want to, I don't, forget the money part. You don't want to live by them. I could tell by how you asked that question.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  I feel like there's so much that goes into it, but basically, my husband and I have been married for a couple of years. We want to start a family soon and we like the area that we're in now, but my family is hundreds of miles away in a higher cost of living area that we don't necessarily like as much, but we would have so much more help with kids. Um, and so it's just a lot because I don't know if it's better for me to sacrifice my own time so I can, so I would have to work more so I could afford it, but I also just hear constantly how difficult it is. And so it's just been going on in my mind and my husband has the same thoughts of not knowing what's best for our family.

• 20:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you've made this about money, but I don't think it is.

• 20:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think it goes beyond that.

• 20:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, tell me, tell me about the, tell me about the great beyond.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  Um, I don't know. I, I think I love the area that I'm in again, but I feel.

• 21:04Dr. John Delony?

  Stop, tell me about your family. You don't let us talk about it. It's so great. Tell me about your family.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  My family's awesome. Like, yes, they're, they're definitely not perfect, but I, I don't think there's these fundamental big issues that would prevent me from being around them.

• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

  So if you could pick them up and drop them in your current neighborhood, would you do that?

• 21:26Speaker 02

  Yes, a hundred percent.

• 21:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. All right. That's helpful.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. Like I, I have no family, like trauma or anything from my childhood that I can remember that would prevent me from moving.

• 21:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 21:38Speaker 02

  But I, I also feel like it's important for my husband and I to kind of have our own thing away from them and to grow without them. But also feeling on the other side that it's going to be way too difficult and it ruins marriages, having kids and all these things.

• 21:53Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, I don't, I mean, it's not having kids that ruins marriages. It's, it's, it's a lack of intentionality and honestly loneliness is tough. Um, so tell me about your, your friends in, in where you live right now.

• 22:09Speaker 02

  Yeah. So we've been here for a couple of years and I would say we've, we've made a ton of effort to make really great friends. And we do have a good community down here.

• 22:21Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have a community? So he, he, here's the thing I saw in real time. I've heard about this, but I saw it and it was amazing. When my wife got pregnant with Hank, she texted three of her friends, three amazing women and said, who already had kids. And she said, I'm going to text y'all at 2:00 AM, 8:00 AM, whenever y'all are like my help me outs. Y'all are my comeovers any times. And I'm telling you what, they were amazing.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 22:52Dr. John Delony?

  And like they would show up, they would take the kid, they would do all, like it was about intentionality.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:00Dr. John Delony?

  And so I got to see that ringside that was pretty amazing. It was less so when Josephine came around because there weren't all those like, how do we do this questions or is this rash, normal kind of questions? Um, and it was, it was more challenging because I think it was less about the question answering and more about, you've heard me say this a million times, like, um. The idea that a woman's supposed to come home from the hospital and just sit at her house for two months, or four months, or six months, or forever, if she chooses to stay at home, all alone by herself is insane, right? And not sleep, and not eat, and not have human contact. Like, that's madness. We just made that up here in this culture, and it's insane. And so, finding people intentionally that you're gonna be around. I think it just comes down to intentionality, and you choosing to go be weird.

• 23:47Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah, cuz I feel like I've heard from you a couple of times, like, a woman shouldn't be alone with a crying baby, and to me, I'm like, oh, well, I don't have my family here to help me. But it doesn't have to be family.

• 24:00Dr. John Delony?

  That's exactly.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  Like, you could be other people. But I think it's hard for me to ask for help, and my family's the one.

• 24:07Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I was gonna ask you.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's like, my family's the one group of people where I don't care what I'm asking them, cuz I know, like, I would do anything for them, but I also would do anything for my friends here, too.

• 24:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:20Speaker 02

  So I just need to get past that.

• 24:21Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I, and I love, are you pregnant now?

• 24:24Speaker 02

  No.

• 24:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I would love, when you find out that you're pregnant, I would love for you to take out a group of three to five or six women. You pay for coffee, or you pay for brunch, and just announce it, and then, I don't know, I don't wanna be cheesy, but like, hand them each a handwritten card or something.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:43Dr. John Delony?

  It's like, from this moment forward, you're my ride or die. You can opt out, but I'm gonna lean on you. Y'all are my family here in North Carolina.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:53Dr. John Delony?

  And every Tuesday, we're getting together, every Thursday afternoon, we're getting together, and I'm gonna text you at 2:00 a.m., at 4:00 p.m., at 1:00 a.m., like, I'm gonna need you guys, and I'll always be there for y'all. Uh, are y'all in? Are we all in? And if you do that with five people, four of them will say yes, one of them will say no. Or actually, they'll all say yes, cuz peer pressure, and then one of them just won't respond to your texts.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:19Dr. John Delony?

  But that will be about them, not you, and that's okay, they get to do that, cuz their life might be bonkers, who knows? But, yes, you're gonna have to choose to ask for help and support, and relationships and friends.

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  And then I would love for you and your husband to practice on the front end to begin to like, build together a way like every, once a week, every Sunday night, we get together, we talk about our calendar, we talk about our budget, and we ask each other like two or three, like, "How are we doing? How are we doing?" In fact, hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy, I'm gonna send you, uh, Questions for Humans intimacy deck, and Questions for Humans, um, uh, 3, the brand new, uh, Couples Deck. Only notice to keep those, go through a couple of them, um, every Sunday night. Right now, even when you don't have kids, when you're not pregnant, you get in the rhythm of, "This is how we come back to the table, and we come back to the table, and we come back to the table." It's just a part of our life, and so that when you have kids, your first baby, and you go through pregnancy,

• 26:14Dr. John Delony?

  there's gonna be things that you don't even think to tell him, or that you're just experiencing, and you don't realize he's not experiencing them either, or vice versa, and it's just the rhythm of y'all talking is gonna already be there. The rhythm of you going up through the week is gonna be there. The rhythm of you guys being honest with each other is gonna be there. And, man, that, that's the, that's the part that blows up marriages. The marriages I see that get even, like, deeper and more connected are those that talk and co-experience this thing together, and they understand, "Okay, what we had is completely over now." And here's the other thing, Leah. I'd recommend, if you love your, where you live, y'all have great jobs, y'all are doing well, and you're, you're establishing yourself, you can always, six months in,

• 26:57Dr. John Delony?

  look at your husband and be like, "Dude, we gotta get out of here, we gotta go home. I gotta go back to wherever my family lives." And y'all can always do that. It would be harder to move to your family, and then, six months in, be like, "Yeah, we made a mistake, forget you guys, we're outta here." So, you can always move afterwards. Um, but if you love where you live, and it's, it's better for you all financially, I think younger couples all across the country are having to make that call right now. "We wanna live in these established cities with our families, where they've lived for 20 years, 30 years, 50 years, we can't afford it, so we're having to move to other places across the country, beautiful, wonderful, like, newly established places." It's just the way of the world right now, 'cause things got real, real expensive, and especially in some of these major metropolitan areas.

• 27:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, y'all do what's best for you guys financially, you do what's best for you guys with your community, and you, sister, get over the, I don't like to ask for help. You're about to bring a human into the world. You're gonna need all the help you can get, my sister. Hey, thanks for the call, we'll be right back.

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Naples, Florida and talk to Paul. What's up, Paul? How we doing?

• 28:03Speaker 04

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 28:04Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, dude?

• 28:04Speaker 04

  I'm doing great.

• 28:07Speaker 04

  Well, um, I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on trying to make friends at forty-four, when everything seems really good in your life, but I think forty, middle, mid-age is kind of a hard time to make new friends.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  Paul, it's the worst. It's the worst.

• 28:28Speaker 04

  I'm surprised to hear you say that. You kind of strike me as a very extroverted type of guy.

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I am introverted as the dead dude. I'm, I am, I...

• 28:36Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, like, I'm on this, I'm in the studio by myself, talking to a camera. I can see Kelly's, like, mean glare out the corner of my eye, where she's just, like, totally disapproving of everything I do and say. But other than that, like, yeah, I, dude, it's making friends in your forties is, it's, it's one of the most challenging things I think a person can do. I really do. You're not crazy, you're not alone. I'm going through the same thing right now.

• 29:03Speaker 04

  Okay. I hear you. I just discovered your show a couple of months ago, and I hear you saying you have, like, all sorts of wild adventurous people over to your house all the time. And it got me thinking, I should do something like that, but I don't even know where to start. Um, I, uh, you know, I've been married for nineteen years, uh, great marriage with my wife, got three kids, they're all super busy, and they're all doing great, and, uh, focused on my career a lot for my twenties and thirties, and doing really well in work. And then suddenly, I had a good friend who a couple of months ago moved

• 29:42Speaker 04

  away for, uh, for work, and, uh, I'm kind of alone. I don't really have too many close friends, uh, certainly not in the area. And so, um, I think maybe part of it is I, I don't prioritize it because I'm thinking about my career, I'm thinking about my family, I'm thinking about my wife, and, and then suddenly, uh, I'm also introverted like you, and I, I sometimes feel like I don't have the energy to do it, but maybe I just need to prioritize it more, is what I'm thinking.

• 30:14Dr. John Delony?

  I, I mean, I would hug you if you were sitting right here. You, you are so far ahead of where, oh, I would say ninety-five percent of mid-forty-year-old men are right now.

• 30:26Dr. John Delony?

  Like you were, the, the fact that you're thinking about this and feeling it and you're bummed that your buddy left and you're able to verbalize that, I mean, you are so far ahead of the game. Cause most men in your situation would have grabbed an extra drink, would have played an extra hour of Fortnite, or sat in front of the computer and watched another hour of pornography, or just like gone back to office reruns until they just fade out. And I, I can't tell you how impressive I am. I'm impressed with you, I am. So you've identified it early on. What I have found for me is, I'll just be as honest as I can. Um, if I get the

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  courage to ask somebody to a thing, uh, and they say, no, I don't know why, I just feel like I'm 10 again. Like it just, it, it's like, oh, you're gonna be by yourself again.

• 31:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:25Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and I, I, I've started a thing. I started about three years ago. Um, I started when I buy a concert ticket, I would just buy two, or I might buy three or whatever, depending how expensive they are. And then I would just invite people to come. And if they could pay for them, cool. If they couldn't, cool. Uh, I just like going to concerts and I know it's not always the best to go by yourself. And the other night I had an extra ticket and I was calling around and nobody would, nobody could come. And it would, by the way, it was an insane band, right? Like nobody in their right mind would want to go to the show. And it was like two days out and it was late. It was like a weekday. So you got to get up and go to work tomorrow. But still, I, I, I just have this weird thing. I take it personal. So here's the only way I figured it

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  out is, is creating a context. So I would recommend you and your wife having a once a month, or once every two weeks. Once, once every two weeks is probably a lot, but once a month, we have a potluck over at Paul's.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  And dude, we do that with Easter, we do that with some holidays, we do that kinda randomly. And I invite everybody. Like, and when I invite forty people and ten of them come, I don't feel bad. I think it's pretty amazing.

• 32:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:37Dr. John Delony?

  But I invite like my amazing Kate, my tattoo artist and her family came. I've got songwriters, like, like low-key songwriters and college administrators and marketing people and like lawn care guy, like they're just random people at the house. They all vote all over the place. We even have this. I have, I always set up the guest room and I make a big announcement. If you're here and you don't wanna be here and you just wanna go to bed, you can go up to the guest room. I've made the bed up and you can go to sleep. Just go shut the door and go to bed. Right? Like, um, here's the TV is on with video games or stuff going on outside. And so we have a random assortment of people over at any given time.

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  My eight-year-old is like, "Hey, you know what'd be fun? A dog birthday." And I was like, "No, we're not those people." But my wife threw a dog birthday and had random people over. And so it's finding ridiculous things to gather around a table. And, um,

• 33:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'll just tell you this, man, there's not an easy way to do it. You just gotta go first and you gotta be weird.

• 33:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Okay.

• 33:40Dr. John Delony?

  But you setting up-

• 33:41Speaker 04

  So anybody in our life, like parents of other kids on my kids' sports teams and people I know from work-

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  Great place to start.

• 33:48Speaker 04

  From church, just anybody?

• 33:50Dr. John Delony?

  Great place to start is right there.

• 33:52Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 33:53Dr. John Delony?

  Great place to start is, there's four or five people. A couple of my closest friends I met when my son was in fifth grade and we had just moved to a new town, um, here in Nashville. We moved outside to another city, uh, like a rural town. And my son's coach, his name was David, was just a great guy, just a hospitable guy. We, we, our lives are very, very different. Um, he's a veteran who works in IT. He's an amazing guy. And his wife became one of our close friends. Like, they just became cool. But yeah, that's, that was a great place. And with that community, we've found a few new more friends and a few more friends. And so it's become a fun group. We don't have a lot in common professionally, but it's been a blast.

• 34:34Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 34:35Dr. John Delony?

  But I, I, dude, I can't tell you how proud of you I am, man. Good for you.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  Thanks. And your wife, is she introverted too? So part of the struggle we have is, it's kind of draining for both of us to have like a lot of people over, but um, but I mean, you just sort of say, hey, we need to do this because uh, you know, we want to have friends. We want to have a network of people that we can call on when times are good and times are hard, right?

• 35:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  That's kind of what you're looking for.

• 35:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I want somebody just I can laugh with. Life's too short. Or life, somebody I can see in a couple of weeks later and be like, yeah, you remember when? Or that was awesome that one time, right? It just becomes, it becomes, yeah, it's just, it's just doing life with. My wife is, is very, she's more introverted than me, but where she excels is she's really, um, she took on about 10 or 15 years ago, the idea of hospitality as a spiritual practice.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, sure.

• 35:36Dr. John Delony?

  And it became like, both of our default setting is just to be alone. Uh, so we face down, and her especially, I'm gonna, I'm gonna walk through my tendency to want to be alone, and I'm gonna open up my house. And so she's, like she has done everything from learn how to garden, so she's got fresh stuff, and she went and learned how to make sourdough. She's done all this wild stuff, um, so that she can really excel at the art of hospitality. And now we have people coming and staying at our house from all over the country. If they need two days just to reset their marriage or whatever, but it's, that's, that's all her.

• 36:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:11Dr. John Delony?

  Um, just creating a quiet, safe place for people to come. But here's the thing, she's become the master at the one-on-one. Like she goes and has lunches with one person, and she's got some deep, rich friendships that, quite frankly, I'm jealous of, but um, every, here's the thing, everybody does it differently. There's not a right or wrong way.

• 36:31Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, being introverted, doing the one-on-one thing is a lot less, uh, I don't know, draining than going to big group settings.

• 36:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's exactly right. So maybe invite two people over, or three people over, or three couples over. Just know that one of them you're gonna have a good connection with, one of them's gonna be weird, and one of them will make butt-crack jokes all the time like I do. It'll be fine.

• 36:54Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 36:55Dr. John Delony?

  So, yeah, I'm all in for you, brother. I'm proud of you, dude.

• 36:57Speaker 04

  Alright.

• 36:58Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, congratulations, man. Hey, uh, send me a picture the first time you get a bunch of gang together, uh, and then just put an arrow over the one that you're like, "Yeah, I'm not inviting this guy back over, he's weird." Just kidding, don't do that. That would be the Kelly photo. Hey, thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Alright, as we wrap up this show today, listen, um, I've been talking about this a lot, we're about to hit a major milestone, so if you will, just stop what you're doing, 'cause I'm about to ruin. Listen, if you'll stop what you're doing and hit subscribe on the YouTube channel, it makes a humongous difference, and we're getting really close to the million mark, and it would just mean a lot to me. Uh, and we're filming this on Halloween today, and it comes out when? Uh, early December?

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Uh, this episode comes out on December 6th.

• 37:45Dr. John Delony?

  And so I see that you came as a mean, mean old lady. It's a great, uh, costume.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  I see as you came as something too, but it's not appropriate to mention.

• 37:52Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm, on time? That's what I came as today.

• 37:55Speaker 03

  Which I will, uh, so, stop. We recorded this episode way earlier than we normally do. We normally record, start recording at like 9:30 a.m., and this one was at 8:15, so...

• 38:07Dr. John Delony?

  I came as on time for Halloween.

• 38:09Speaker 03

  You came as on time, and I, should be Halloween every day.

• 38:12Dr. John Delony?

  It scared everybody to death.

• 38:13Speaker 03

  I was very impressed, especially considering last night I got a note saying, "We have an 8:15 recording," and I thought, "Oh, no."

• 38:19Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I was hunting in the woods last night, chasing a deers, and I happened to look...

• 38:24Speaker 03

  Multiple deers?

• 38:25Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, last night I had quite the adventure, I'm still recovering from it. I may or may not have slept last night, but, uh, we're here, I came as on time.

• 38:33Speaker 03

  You did, I like this costume.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's a once-in-a-year.

• 38:35Speaker 03

  I like this Halloween costume on you.

• 38:37Dr. John Delony?

  You might get it for Christmas, too.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  Aww.

• 38:39Dr. John Delony?

  But, that's it. Hey, love you guys, stay in school if you're trick-or-treating tonight, make good choices, and, uh, this episode comes out after the election, so hopefully we're all still alive. Love you guys, take care, bye.