Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A wife unsure if she should fight for her marriage or get a divorce · A daughter concerned about how politics has divided her family · A father afraid a new baby will change his relationship with his stepson Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Should I stay and try to fix my marriage? Or is it simply beyond saving?

• 0:10Dr. John Delony?

  Who, that's a big one. 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking calls from all over planet Earth about your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, struggles with addiction, whatever you've got going on in your life. My promise is this, I may not have all the answers, but I promise I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for more than two decades and it's one of my, one of my, the highest honors of my life, that I get to sit with folks amidst their pain and amidst their trust and see if I can point out on the horizon and find a small pinprick of a light that might provide hope for the next right move.

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  If you want to sit down and have a chat with me, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. Love to have you on the show. Let's roll out to, uh, let's roll out, let's roll out. Good grief. Out to Ontario, Canada and talk to Audrey. Hey Audrey, what's up lady?

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Hey, oh my gosh, I'm, you're my, I'm a, I'm a big fan. You've been with me on my journey.

• 1:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'm a huge Audrey fan. This is, this is big for both of us.

• 1:43Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 1:43Speaker 00

  Thank you, thank you. So I guess my, my short question is, should I stay and try to fix my marriage? Or is it simply beyond saving?

• 1:54Dr. John Delony?

  Who, that's a big one. So if you've listened to me for more than like three minutes, you know, I'm not going to give you that full answer, but I'll, I'll, I'll sit with you. What you got going on?

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Um, okay, we've been together for about 20 years, um, two young kids. And he's also had a, um, binge cocaine addiction the entire time. Um, it's gone spans of a year not using, um, but it's been consistent. And we've tried rehab, he's tried rehab, um, we've tried counseling, we've tried everything. And it's continued to escalate. And finally, about six months ago, when he brought it into the house, I, um, kicked him out and separated and told him to leave. And so it's been six months.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  Um, we've done therapy, we've done family therapy, I've been therapy, we've done all the therapies and we're just stuck. And the only difference is he doesn't live here. And he sometimes sees the kids when he's not using, um, he only uses on the weekends, it appears. And he's high functioning otherwise, but not functioning for our family. And I'm stuck.

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Um, to get this out of the way, otherwise it'll just spin in my head and loop and loop and loop. I absolutely hate the phrase, "high functioning."

• 3:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:21Dr. John Delony?

  Because all that means is somebody has X, Y, or Z challenge, or struggle with addiction, or mental health disorder, whatever it is, and they go to work and get a paycheck. Um, "high functioning" rarely is in reference to the wake that somebody like your husband leaves relationally, emotionally, financially, on the people that, that love him. Um, and for those, I've spent a lot of time with people with struggle with cocaine. Um, w- w- just for people who are listening who don't have that kind of reference, um...

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  Twenty years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Um, well, I had a hard time going away, but when I did go away about a year and a half ago on a trip, that was pretty important across the world. He was with the kids and used, and my daughter called, FaceTimed. She's young, but she FaceTimed and I had to get somebody to the house to take the kids away. And that was kind of the thing that I said I would never be okay with. And it happened. And then it took me a year before he's, you know, just continued to do it. And he brought it into the house when we were all sleeping and I caught him. And

• 4:49Dr. John Delony?

  Audrey, he's been bringing it into the house forever.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's more. There's more.

• 4:56Dr. John Delony?

  How many times has he cheated on you?

• 4:57Speaker 00

  Five years ago. Exactly. Five years ago, I found out there was escorts too.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  And so it's bad.

• 5:05Dr. John Delony?

  What about your finances?

• 5:08Speaker 00

  We're both in finance, so finances are not bad. They're good.

• 5:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Ish.

• 5:13Dr. John Delony?

  So, yeah, I'm thinking of what they could have been 20 years ago versus how much they've just literally been snorted away.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  So can I ask you a personal question? I want to kick you while you're down, but can I ask you a hard question?

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Yep.

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  Why'd you make humans with this guy?

• 5:40Speaker 00

  I don't know. I thought, you know, I guess naively, I thought, I guess this happens and he's not doing it. He didn't do it. It would be like two years span and it wouldn't happen. And then it would happen and he would just disappear for 24 hours.

• 5:57Dr. John Delony?

  Or 72 hours.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  And then we had humans. Yeah, yeah. Usually about 24 for sure. It usually didn't go beyond 24.

• 6:05Dr. John Delony?

  That means you were really present in the ramp up.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 6:11Dr. John Delony?

  (laughing) So for most normal mortals, it would have been forty-eight, seventy-two hours. But you, I guess, could handle the front end of that before he had to disappear.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. And he's, and he's mad at me. And so there's a lot of anger.

• 6:25Dr. John Delony?

  Of course he is.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  And, you know, there's a lot of, everything's intermingled.

• 6:30Dr. John Delony?

  It's not, though. It's so clear.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's not.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:34Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about your current reality that you're having trouble being honest about? Because, because, listen, for the last twenty years, you have lived inside of a spider web of dishonesty. And you've allowed it to. It's both and.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 6:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so what is it about this current reality? Like, if your friend sat you down, forget the cocaine, forget the, forget the drug abuse. Hey, my husband's getting a bunch of escorts. He's making the kids incredibly unsafe. He's making you unsafe with his sexual practices. He disappears for days on end. What would you tell your friend?

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Get out.

• 7:18Dr. John Delony?

  Get out.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Get out.

• 7:19Dr. John Delony?

  So what is it about this situation that you can't put both feet on the ground? I, I feel like you're out in the bay, in the water.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:26Dr. John Delony?

  And it's three feet, but you, you won't just stand up.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  It's three feet deep.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:32Dr. John Delony?

  What are you scared of?

• 7:33Speaker 00

  I don't know. I, I don't know. I guess I'm scared of him dying.

• 7:42Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 7:43Speaker 00

  What if I can't do it?

• 7:44Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  Well.

• 7:46Dr. John Delony?

  Not about the can't do it. You're, you're a financial executive. You make enough money. You've got a rare thing that women in your situation have, and that's financial security. You're okay.

• 7:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  I want to go back to the thing before that.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. My dad died when I was eight.

• 7:58Dr. John Delony?

  There it is.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  He killed himself.

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  And you've been watching a man slowly kill himself for two decades?

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 8:11Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about your old man.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  I don't remember. I was eight.

• 8:17Dr. John Delony?

  You remember the bomb blast, though?

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, like, he was abusive to my mom. She separated from him. They were separated at the time. And he was coming to get us, to take us out for breakfast. And she found him in the garage.

• 8:36Speaker 00

  So I'm sure that's... I'm paranoid or petrified of him dying.

• 8:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  But I know all the things. I am intelligent. I can do this.

• 8:50Dr. John Delony?

  It's nothing to do with intelligence, Audrey.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  I'm just stuck.

• 8:57Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  I have lawyers. I'm ready to go with things, but I'm just stuck.

• 9:04Dr. John Delony?

  Your dad dying wasn't your fault. You know that, right?

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Yep. I guess it feels with him, it is my fault.

• 9:14Dr. John Delony?

  Why?

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Because I didn't save him. I didn't...

• 9:17Dr. John Delony?

  You don't have that kind of power, sweetheart. You don't have that kind of power.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  No.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  You didn't have that kind of power when you're eight years old. And there's not a more powerless feeling

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  than when one of our parents dies when we're a kid.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 9:34Dr. John Delony?

  And there's especially not a more powerless feeling when mom says dumb things on the back end of that.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:47Speaker 00

  I mean, he's out, and me and the kids are safe and we're at peace. And, you know, but I can't ever get rid of him because he's their father.

• 10:00Dr. John Delony?

  He is... You can't get rid of him. He is opting out of their life.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  He is.

• 10:06Dr. John Delony?

  He has opted out, multiple times. And I want you to consider the fact that he is screaming in his silent voice, "Please, get these kids away from me. I'm not safe."

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 10:23Dr. John Delony?

  You say you work at the same place?

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, not in the same, for the same company, but not in the same place every day.

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  Will this cost you professionally to divorce him?

• 10:35Speaker 00

  Um, I hope not, but that fear is there. Um, the stigma, the, yeah, I mean, as big as it is, it's still small. So, yeah, um, I'm concerned about that, but.

• 10:50Dr. John Delony?

  Will he be a person of character on the back end, or will he run you down?

• 10:54Speaker 00

  He has been a person of character so far, but he is running me down silently. And nobody knows that he has this problem either.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and that's, that, so, let me, let me change the language a little bit. So, you, I guess for all intents and purposes, you've made your decision.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:16Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're calling me as like, just like a, kind of a, like a, like a C-level podcaster to be like, I, do I stamp this? Yes, I stamp your decision.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  Validation.

• 11:29Dr. John Delony?

  Um, consider it stamped, okay?

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Um, yeah.

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know that I've, I've talked to somebody who's tried this hard for this long.

• 11:38Dr. John Delony?

  To get somebody to see in the mirror what you see, which is a man that you love.

• 11:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I do.

• 11:46Dr. John Delony?

  And he's gone from, he can't, to now, I think it's he won't.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:53Dr. John Delony?

  And so, he won't. And exhale, put a stamp on it. When you make that decision, that I'm ending this for the safety of me, my family, my children,

• 12:07Dr. John Delony?

  you are now entering into a business transaction.

• 12:12Dr. John Delony?

  And if you are doing business, if you were sitting around a table with a roomful of lawyers about to sign an agreement or end, terminate a contract with business professionals, there'd be some sort of NDA-ish kind of language that says, "You can't go out in the public and run me down, or I'm gonna make this whole thing public."

• 12:31Speaker 00

  Right.

• 12:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so, now that you're entering into this world, that's gotta be part of the language.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  You can't quote unquote, protect yourself partly, right? Boxers don't go in with one arm up. They gotta have both up. They're gonna get knocked out.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 12:49Dr. John Delony?

  And you know as well as I do that in the workplace, his word's gonna be valued, especially initially, over yours.

• 12:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. He holds a higher position, too.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, we're gonna be people of integrity, and we're also gonna put down in writing, this is how this is gonna go.

• 13:14Dr. John Delony?

  But you need to hear me say, he left you a long time ago. He just didn't do the paperwork.

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. He just keeps coming back.

• 13:23Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you keep allowing him back. I would come back if I was him, too. To a warm, safe place with somebody who loves me unconditionally, who let me just run amok in two little miniature versions of myself that are the fantasy of the innocence and purity that I could have been, that I still can be, but I just won't.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  Of course he comes home.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  How old are your kids?

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Eight and 10.

• 13:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I would use language like daddy's really sick.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  I did. I did. After listening to a few of you. I have. That's the language I'm using with them.

• 14:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  My 10-year-old knows that it's drugs. They call it acting weird. When mom's away, dad acts weird. But it's just for a day.

• 14:14Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. They're in therapy, too.

• 14:19Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I mean, that's all well and good.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Therapy all around.

• 14:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean, it's all well and good. You're pretty therapized up. You know what I mean?

• 14:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  The thing you've gotta start doing is taking action.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  Uh huh. Yeah.

• 14:31Dr. John Delony?

  You've thought about it enough. You've talked yourself into circles. You've had enough cups of coffee with well-meaning. Like, it's time to either say, this is who your dad is, and we're gonna ride or die. Or, your dad has opted out, and I'm going to have to do the dirty work here and actually take care of the paperwork, because he won't.

• 14:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't love us enough to fully leave. He loves us enough to bounce back and hurt everybody.

• 15:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm not gonna let him do that to my kids. And then he gets to choose, quite honestly, he gets to choose, and all this stuff comes out in court, by the way, he's got a lot to lose.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:16Dr. John Delony?

  About his drug use and his safety, and he's gonna have to take drug tests to be around the kids and all that kind of stuff.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, he does now.

• 15:25Dr. John Delony?

  And then you've got a whole other crazy world of, I mean, just the unequeness with which these things get separated, but probably a lot of your success is due to the shared childcare expenses and all that kind of stuff, and so figuring that out, just sitting down and making sure we're all honest about what this is gonna take.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. But you're right, I gave it a try.

• 15:56Dr. John Delony?

  What are you talking about, you gave it a try?

• 15:59Speaker 00

  I tried real hard.

• 16:01Dr. John Delony?

  I gave downhill snow skiing a try, I hated it. I went to ski school and I just went out of control down a bunny slope and I knocked over a ski instructor and he's like, "What's the deal, bro?" And I was like, "Really? You think I did this on purpose?" And I spent the whole day freezing on greens, and then I just said, "I hate this, I quit." I gave that a try. I don't like being cold, I don't like being out of control, and skiing's both. You gave two decades of your life.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  I did.

• 16:29Dr. John Delony?

  And I think you have to forgive yourself. Cause you've known the ending of this ride for a long time, and you kept staying on and staying on and staying on and staying on.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. I did.

• 16:46Dr. John Delony?

  Will you forgive yourself?

• 16:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm trying. Yep.

• 16:57Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you a thing that kind of sucks about forgiveness?

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:02Dr. John Delony?

  I haven't seen it done intellectually, successfully. Like, you can't sit in a dark room and be like, "And..." Remember that old Office episode when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy, he runs out in the middle of the room, he's like, "I declare bankruptcy." And they're like, "That's not how that works." I've not seen people with this type of long-term hurt be successful in forgiving themselves or somebody else as an intellectual exercise.

• 17:30Dr. John Delony?

  You have to go do.

• 17:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:34Dr. John Delony?

  And often.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  How do you forgive yourself?

• 17:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing.

• 17:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's just hard.

• 17:45Dr. John Delony?

  And let's just like, put it all out on the table. For the next five to 10 years, unless he is just a man of extraordinary character, who's just has a demon that is cocaine.

• 18:00Dr. John Delony?

  You'll be the bad parent. He'll be the cool, fun parent. You'll be the parent that has the rules and the guidelines, and he'll be the parent that's like, "Oh, my gosh, let's go!" Right?

• 18:10Dr. John Delony?

  And he'll have resources, and he'll have the fun, and he'll be the dad that sneaks the beers, and like, just, I mean, it's gonna be in the next five, 10, 15 years of tough stuff. And what you're doing is you're trying to create a world where your 25-year-old son, your 25-year-old daughter can look back with their hand in yours and say, "Oh, now I get it. She was fighting for us the whole time.

• 18:37Dr. John Delony?

  She was fighting for us the whole time." But no more daddy gets weird.

• 18:43Dr. John Delony?

  You should be able to leave town, leave the country, and they be with their safest person imaginable, their dad.

• 18:51Dr. John Delony?

  And he's chosen not to be that. I hate that he left you, and I hate that he left y'all.

• 18:58Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, sister. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

• 19:04Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:33Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, yo, we are back. Um, hey, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey were taking our shows on the road, Money and Relationships Tour. It's coming soon to a city near you. It's gonna be wheels off. Um, we'll answer questions. Um, you guys get to decide a lot of what we talk about on the show. It's gonna be like our shows live. And for those of you who just listened to this podcast or YouTube, I also host another show that allegedly is way, way, way, way bigger than this one, um, where we talk about relationships and money. And so, listen, we're, we're coming on the road, unfiltered, unapologetic, and it's gonna be also fun. And also, you're gonna leave with some things you can, um, do to change your

• 22:41Dr. John Delony?

  life right where you live. Um, and so you're gonna be full of wisdom and things you can actually take with you, new tools. So we're gonna go to be, we're gonna be in Louisville on April 21st, Durham, April 23rd, Atlanta on April 25th, Phoenix on May 5th, Fort Worth, Texans, you gotta show up, May 7th, Kansas City, May 9th. Go to ramsysolutions.com/tour. It's gonna be wheels off. Can't wait to, you guys ever wanna know what, what do they edit out of these shows before they go live? Come to the show and come to see us live and you'll see it all. All right. And hey, and like or subscribe, please hit those buttons. They help us a lot with the algorithmic overlords. Thank you. Let's go out to Norfolk, Virginia,

• 23:26Dr. John Delony?

  and talk to Hazel. Hey Hazel, what's up?

• 23:28Speaker 02

  Hi, how you doing?

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing pretty good. How about you?

• 23:32Speaker 02

  Um, I'm doing pretty good. I'm a little nervous, but you know, we'll get there. We'll get through it.

• 23:37Dr. John Delony?

  Have you heard the show before?

• 23:39Speaker 02

  I, I've come across a couple of your, your episodes on YouTube. That's where I'm coming from. I saw a couple and I, I kinda recognize like, okay, this is an unbiased individual.

• 23:49Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I'm super biased.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  That's what I'm looking for.

• 23:51Dr. John Delony?

  I'm super.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  You, you seem to be able to at least logic your way through most things, even if you don't agree with it.

• 23:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Uh, you know what? That's the nicest thing somebody said about me. I appreciate that. No, I'm biased about silly things, not about big things. Um, all right. So let's, um, let it rip, dude. So anyway, if you know this, if you, if you haven't seen the show a lot, I'm not very good at this, so you have nothing to be nervous about. You're, you're, you're good. We'll, we'll fumble through it together. So what's up?

• 24:17Speaker 02

  So, um, how do I explain to my parents that politics is ruining ruining our family and that they need to tone it down?

• 24:26Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 24:28Speaker 02

  I'm twenty-four, so I'm I'm not that old in the grand scheme of things.

• 24:33Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I I'm only asking you, um,

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:37Dr. John Delony?

  Phew, because I'm gonna say the oldest sounding thing in the whole world, and I'm sorry for saying it like this. It's some something that I wish someone had told me when I was twenty-four, and I also know I wouldn't have listened when I was twenty-four. Um, there's literally nothing you can do to convince them of anything.

• 24:53Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:55Dr. John Delony?

  And it's one of those heartbreaking things that we learn as we grow older, that people that we love, um, do things that hurt us. And we have pictures of the way we want things to be. We want family dinners to be fun and a safe place and hilarious, and sometimes they're not. And we want our dads to love our husbands, and we want our moms to love our wife, and sometimes they don't. And we want our uncle to not drink. It just is. And so I guess the thing I can tell you is there's, I'm imagining you've already had tried to have a conversation?

• 25:35Speaker 02

  It's it's kind of it's come up a few times, but nobody in our family really feels comfortable having this discussion with them because they get so aggressive about it.

• 25:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, then here's here's the deal. They're opting out of relationship with you.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  And then they turn to us and they ask us why we never call.

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  Can you honestly say, because I I don't like talking about politics, and that's all you want to talk about?

• 26:00Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:01Dr. John Delony?

  What do they say?

• 26:03Speaker 02

  They they get offended.

• 26:06Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but but listen.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  They kind of come after, like, they'll tell us that our beliefs are wrong and and that, you know, we just don't understand yet, we don't have the experience. Um, it it just kind of it seeps into every little thing that they talk about.

• 26:26Speaker 02

  And it's like talking to a brick wall.

• 26:32Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but you keep doing it.

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Actually, I cut them off a few days ago.

• 26:38Dr. John Delony?

  So I would flip the language around, okay? Because I'm not a fan of cutting people off either, outside of extreme abuse. I am a fan of letting people opt out when they want to opt out.

• 26:52Dr. John Delony?

  Your parents are not interested in a relationship with you.

• 26:57Dr. John Delony?

  They're interested in being right.

• 27:01Dr. John Delony?

  And my experience underneath all the political jargon is people are terrified and they don't have a map for how to work through that fear. And so they grasp with both hands so tightly.

• 27:15Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, it's less about you cutting them off and it's more about them opting out of a relationship with you.

• 27:25Dr. John Delony?

  And that breaks my heart for you. Because it sounds like you still want your dad, you still want your mom. Is that fair?

• 27:33Speaker 02

  I really do. Actually, I said that the other day when I was crying at my sister.

• 27:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  I didn't think I was going to get emotional this quickly. I'm sorry.

• 27:42Dr. John Delony?

  No, don't be sorry at all. It's heartbreaking. It's happening all over the country. And there's a strange, um...

• 27:52Dr. John Delony?

  I say this with all due respect. I heard somebody recently kind of hint around this and it rang true with me. If I'm 55 or 65, it feels like I inhabit a world that I no longer have a grasp on.

• 28:09Dr. John Delony?

  And when everyone's talking about machines and learning and AI and like, it just feels like everything's spooling underneath us. And when your whole life has been about control, it can feel unwieldy.

• 28:29Dr. John Delony?

  And so that doesn't give them like a past to be ugly or rude or mean or demeaning.

• 28:38Dr. John Delony?

  Put it to context.

• 28:43Dr. John Delony?

  But there's something powerful about sitting in that exhale, like, my dad doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, he just wants to be right.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's something that I keep, I keep almost convincing myself not to believe, you know?

• 29:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I know.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  Especially considering how, like, like I mentioned before, they'll come back and they'll talk to me, because I was always the kid that they put the safe label on.

• 29:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but Hazel, they've been doing this to you all for your whole life. Before politics, what was it before politics?

• 29:20Speaker 02

  For politics, it was probably my dad's, my dad's emotional wellbeing. I was like the service dog kid in the family.

• 29:27Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  And he was the unmedicated veteran.

• 29:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, what was before that?

• 29:37Speaker 02

  That was, that was just it. That was my whole childhood.

• 29:40Dr. John Delony?

  No, but before that, was there some sort of religious dogma? Was there some sort of military dogma? Was there some sort of, this is who we are, this is how we do things? Was there some of that too?

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Um, I don't know how much is relevant to the question, but, um, there was a lot of, like, in my young, young years, there was a lot of us versus them.

• 30:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  Between the other side of my family, because my dad, he's my stepdad who's officially adopted me, so there's, there's a whole other, um, group there, but I, I don't know how much of that's relevant.

• 30:15Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's, it's relevant, um,

• 30:21Dr. John Delony?

  it's relevant.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  I'm good to talk about it, I just, I just don't want to.

• 30:24Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, I.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Derail too much.

• 30:26Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's not going to derail at all. It, it gives me, um, kind of a GPS pin that I want to hand to you, okay? Your pain is earned over a whole lifetime.

• 30:39Dr. John Delony?

  For your whole life, you've been put in the middle of immature, emotionally unregulated adults. And that's not a kid's job. To prop up dad, to prop up mom, to prop up the other side of the family, to get in the middle of, "We love you more," "No, we do." It's not your job. Your job is just to grow up and bang your head against boundaries and be silly and have fun and kiss, like, you get what I'm saying?

• 31:04Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so, your whole life, you've been told, "You do X, Y, and Z, and that's your path to me."

• 31:15Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of the old prodigal son picture in my head, which is the kid that leaves and dad sees him from far off after he's squandered everything, and he goes running after him.

• 31:25Dr. John Delony?

  "I don't care where you've been. I don't care what you've done. I don't care, I don't care anything. You're my kid."

• 31:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I don't want you to think you're crazy that it hurts so bad.

• 31:40Dr. John Delony?

  It should hurt real, real, real bad.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  It does.

• 31:51Dr. John Delony?

  And if your birth dad, did your birth dad leave?

• 31:55Speaker 02

  He, he was always checked out.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  He never really initiates anything. To this day, he hasn't called me or anything.

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  But he always makes commentary, like, "Oh, one day you'll understand."

• 32:09Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 32:11Dr. John Delony?

  And so, can we just call this what this is? Dad number two's leaving also?

• 32:17Dr. John Delony?

  And blaming you for it? Dad one left, "You know what? You'll, you'll get it one day. You're too stupid to get it right now."

• 32:24Dr. John Delony?

  There's nothing too stupid about your dad is supposed to fight the gates of hell for his daughter.

• 32:31Dr. John Delony?

  And now you have another dad telling you, "Oh, you just, young kid, you don't understand." And let's be honest, there is tons of geopolitical stuff you don't understand. It's not coming through on your newsfeed either, right? That's not the point.

• 32:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, no.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  The point is,

• 32:47Dr. John Delony?

  "Dad, who cares how you vote? Will you be my dad?"

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  And you said, "No."

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  Not unless you continue in your young adulthood to jump when I say jump and think what I say think and believe what I say believe.

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm so sorry.

• 33:13Speaker 02

  It's alright.

• 33:14Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on hon, it's not. You've been saying it's alright your whole life. This one's not alright.

• 33:23Speaker 02

  I'm just used to saying that.

• 33:25Dr. John Delony?

  I know, and you've been saying that your whole life. When unregulated adults act like children. Scream and yell and hit and punch and leave and then they blame you.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  My dad does like to blame me. He doesn't realize he does it, but...

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So can I ask you a hard, hard, hard question?

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:49Dr. John Delony?

  What are you gonna do next?

• 33:53Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  You in school?

• 33:57Speaker 02

  I'm a trade school student, yeah.

• 33:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, how much longer you got?

• 34:02Speaker 02

  Until March, actually. March or May, one of the two. I've got two more, we call them mods, which is like a period of five weeks.

• 34:12Dr. John Delony?

  What are you studying?

• 34:16Speaker 02

  BCT, Building and Construction Trades. So it's like a general kind of overview that gives you a foot in the door to get in with a company that will teach you more specialized stuff.

• 34:26Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool.

• 34:28Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you that I'm proud of you?

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's pretty awesome.

• 34:37Dr. John Delony?

  And one day you're gonna be a part of building a building that my kids go inside of to learn something, to get well, because they've got doctors in medicine in there.

• 34:50Dr. John Delony?

  Or a courtroom that's gonna help my kids after an injustice has been done to them.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  That's the hope.

• 34:58Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  Actually, I want to go and volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.

• 35:04Dr. John Delony?

  You will.

• 35:04Speaker 02

  But...

• 35:05Dr. John Delony?

  You will. But don't deflect for a second. I just wanna say I'm proud of you.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  And we always talk about changing your family tree, and we talk about legacy, and we talk about hope, but we don't do enough justice to those conversations. We don't talk about how much it hurts sometimes.

• 35:23Dr. John Delony?

  Doing the next right thing is hard and it hurts.

• 35:27Dr. John Delony?

  Especially on those days you just wanna pick up the phone and call your dad.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:36Dr. John Delony?

  The only way I've-

• 35:37Speaker 02

  I go back and forth on whether or not to apologize to my mom and call her back.

• 35:43Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I would write him a letter.

• 35:50Dr. John Delony?

  And that way, whenever they talk to you, there's some sense of superiority, or power, or insecurity that takes over their bodies. Okay?

• 36:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so, when you challenge a thought, you challenge a belief, or you say, "Hey, when y'all do this, it hurts," they instantly go to fight or flight, and they come back over the top of you. And y'all have been in that dynamic since you were a little bitty kid.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:14Dr. John Delony?

  So let's call that what it is, and that's a failed strategy. It doesn't work.

• 36:19Dr. John Delony?

  So, if we're gonna try to connect, let's try one more thing.

• 36:24Dr. John Delony?

  And that is a letter. And here's the beauty of a letter. If you, if you write it with the intent to get you, "I got you," it will burn everything to the ground. I would not recommend doing that. If you write a letter that says, "Hey, here's a path to your daughter,"

• 36:41Dr. John Delony?

  "to my heart, to my mind, to my spirit, and I love you guys, and here's my boundaries," then they can read it, get all fired up, and then they can set it down, "Can I believe she wrote that? I'm gonna..." And then they can read it again. And then they can read it again.

• 37:00Dr. John Delony?

  And if they read it two or three times, they read it, and they're not so reactive. And they begin to hear the voice of their daughter, saying, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't care how y'all voted. Hey, hey, hey, I don't care about your conspiracy theories, or your what. I want my dad.

• 37:18Dr. John Delony?

  I want my mom."

• 37:23Dr. John Delony?

  And that might be the shot you got.

• 37:28Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 37:28Speaker 02

  I'll give that a go. Yeah.

• 37:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And you can text your mom back and say, "Hey, Mom, I'm writing a letter. I'm not doing a good job of talking. Um, and my thoughts and words get all jumbled up, so I'm gonna write a letter and send it to you, and, um, know that I love you and Dad. I love y'all."

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  And when you hit, when you hit send on that letter, or you put it in the mail, handwritten letters are gangster, I think, but, um, and you put it in the mail and, uh, they may read it and throw it away. And that's just reality. You gotta choose reality, do what's, do what's the next right thing. Hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's my number one bestselling book that I wrote, but it's got a whole section in there about grief, just for this moment. Check out that book and, um, I'll be, be my gift to you for, um, being a legacy changer, being a family tree changer. And just make sure the relationships that you have in your life, that you're gonna always

• 38:33Dr. John Delony?

  go running towards loved ones, not putting up walls. I wish I had a better outlook on this call, but, kind of political nonsense divide going on between families is just breaking my heart. It's happening all over the country. I hate it. I hate it. Moms and dads, this is what it sounds like when you're quote unquote "right", and your kids are sitting there, even your adult kids are sitting there all by themselves. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days.

• 39:18Dr. John Delony?

  Our whole lives are on the internets, and I wish this was not the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish it wasn't the case, it just is. Everything we do takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, because so much of our life exists on the internet now, we, it should become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies, to give our phone numbers away to random companies, and those companies turn around and sell our information to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at my reports from my friends at Delete Me. Listen, they reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers, 35,000 data brokers that had my

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  ...information and they've removed my personal information from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed, when they remove them, and from who. I want you to have this kind of peace too. Listen, we can't avoid our lives being on the internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindelete.me/deloney. That's join, J-O-I-N, delete.me/deloney. All right, we're back.

• 40:41Dr. John Delony?

  Don't forget to like or subscribe and subscribe, all the button pushy things that tells the internets we love this show. Their five star reviews, all that stuff makes such a huge difference. I wish it didn't make a difference, but it for sure does. So, thank you so much for everybody who just takes a second to hit the subscribe button. Let's go to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Pahill. What's up, Phil?

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John. My question is, how can I ensure that I love and treat my stepson equally after having a biological child?

• 41:15Dr. John Delony?

  Aw, man, are you having a bio kid?

• 41:17Speaker 03

  Yes, we are. Yeah, we're expect or due in early September, as of now.

• 41:23Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. Congratulations, man. How long's the journey been?

• 41:26Speaker 03

  Um, I'd say about, we started IVF really about almost two and a half years ago. So, it's been a, it's been a process.

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  So, how many years before IVF?

• 41:37Speaker 03

  None. I mean, I met my wife about six years ago. We got married three years ago and then I guess about three years, about, yeah. So, I mean, we've been trying for about three years, IVF for two years and it's finally successful.

• 41:53Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations, man. Tell me about your adopted kid.

• 41:56Speaker 03

  Um, he's in, he is great. Um, I met him when he was four. And I mean, he is giving me, you know, really all I've wanted in life, really, be quite honest. Um, he's a good dude. I mean, he's a good kid. He's super caring, like, you know, he's caring, thoughtful, funny. I mean, a ten year old, but he's a good kid.

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  I have a nine year old. She's the greatest joy of my life.

• 42:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:20Dr. John Delony?

  Just chaos and fun and maniac. Um, when you, when you listen to this call, I want you to go back and just hear, it's very nuanced, but your discussion about IVF and the way your voice light lit up when you start talking about this little boy, he must be pretty special, huh?

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Oh, he, I can't even tell you. I mean, he's, um...

• 42:41Dr. John Delony?

  I can hear you smiling through the phone, dude.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. He's a good dude. I love him.

• 42:45Dr. John Delony?

  That's amazing. Um, what have you brought to his life?

• 42:49Speaker 03

  Um, I mean, a dad. Um, his, his biological father was in and out since birth and then, um, probably the last, I'd say five and a half years, really. He's been out of the picture completely. So I've been, it's been me with him. I mean, you know, and my wife as well, obviously, but, um, I feel like, I mean, I've, I've been trying my best to be a father, you know, to be the dad that he deserves. Cause you know, I mean, it's like every kid needs a dad, you know, deserves one, especially him. So I mean, I've been trying, you know, to just do good.

• 43:25Dr. John Delony?

  Can I salute you for that, brother?

• 43:27Speaker 03

  I appreciate you. Thank you.

• 43:28Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I mean, for real.

• 43:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:31Dr. John Delony?

  I know you fell in love with his mama, but you didn't expect this one, did you?

• 43:34Speaker 03

  No, not at all. I mean, like, you know, growing up, you know, you always wanted a kid, like, I always wanted a family. And I kind of resolved myself, you know, like, it happens, it happens. And then it happens. But yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm just nervous now that, um, we're having a little girl, which I'm super, super, super excited about. But, um, I'm afraid that since she's my flesh and blood, that I'm not going to treat him the same. And then trying to just to navigate that whole set of emotions and how to approach.

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  Everything, I guess.

• 44:06Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I'm glad you're being conscientious, man. That's awesome.

• 44:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:09Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I'll get into some of the nerd stuff, but I guess for whatever it's worth, um...

• 44:18Dr. John Delony?

  My wife and I tried for several years till we finally had our son. And then we tried for a number of years and had a lot of losses and whatnot in between before my daughter came along. I was always nervous about her coming because I could not wrap my head around loving something and someone as much as I loved my son.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I spent a lot of that last pregnancy nervous. And the only way I can describe it, I described it to a buddy like this once, it just felt like another chamber of my heart opened up that I didn't know was there. And so now, it's a strange thing that everything in our life, we're told is scarce, right? It's finite. And love doesn't work that way. It just expands in such a wild way, man. I wish I could wrap my fingers around it and package it and sell it because I'd be a trillionaire. It just does. It just does, man. It just opens up.

• 45:21Dr. John Delony?

  So there is some data that goes both ways. And so whenever that happens, meaning there's no difference between adopted kids and bio kids, and then yes, sometimes there's a little bit of an unbiased shift towards the nerd, they call it resource allocation, right? Like you might say like, well, no, my kid's gonna drive this car. And, or my kid's gonna put this much in their college fund kind of thing. But when I get conflicting studies like that, I tend, right, wrong, or different, I tend to kind of just throw them out.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  And look at the dad who's about to have his life double in blessing.

• 46:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  And so I would talk about a couple of things. One, you know this more than anybody listening, love is a choice you make. And you've chosen to lean in and love this little boy like his own dad. You've become his dad. Did you adopt him formally?

• 46:26Speaker 03

  Not yet. We're in the process. I mean, we actually got the paperwork last week, but we're in the process of doing it.

• 46:31Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing. Amazing. I would begin ASAP referring to your wife's pregnancy as his baby.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  It's a little hack I learned from one of my, my mental health professional, mental health professor, professors in grad school. She said, just try this. It was magic in my house. It gave them ownership. So we got to avoid, because you're gonna have a big age gap. It avoided the, yeah, what about me and the new kid syndrome, right? Like the superstar syndrome. And it became, oh, it's my kid. I get to, I get, I get to help. Your brother, your, your sister, your kid. And whatever, the kids are so desperate for ownership and places where they feel powerless. And so, man, that'd be a great gift. Um, I would have honest conversations with your wife about resources.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:20Dr. John Delony?

  How much are we gonna put in college funds? How much are we gonna put for, save for cars and just be aligned with your finances? And then put some things on the calendar, probably as you already do. Um, I'll continue to do my weekly, uh, breakfast with my son. I'm gonna continue to coach his soccer team, whatever things that you do, right? Those things aren't gonna stop. And don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and your soul melts. You know what I mean?

• 47:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:51Dr. John Delony?

  And also, don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and you don't feel anything.

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Yeah. I'm scared about that one, too. I mean, I've heard, no, I mean, just, I mean, not postpartum depression, obviously, but I mean, like, just, uh, I'm also nervous about, you know, having a baby and then being let down, I guess.

• 48:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, because she won't, she won't give a crap about you. Not even, not even the slightest bit. But you are building her nervous system and her brain every time you hold her. Every time she feels peace and warmth. Every time her big brother holds her.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:28Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna teach that boy about loving a sister and protecting a sister and the things that big brothers do for their sisters.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  And it's gonna continue to be a part of the laboratory that he's grown up in, in the world that he's grown up in.

• 48:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  So I, I wanna honor your fear on this end. I wanna tell you on the back end with some limited practices, and you just keep showing up and being you, a guy who loves almost recklessly. Um, man, you're gonna be great. You're gonna be a great dad.

• 49:01Speaker 03

  I appreciate it.

• 49:03Dr. John Delony?

  And, um,

• 49:07Dr. John Delony?

  I wish I'd done this. I would go to the store and buy a little journal and start writing your daughter-to-be notes. I would also get a journal and write your son notes.

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  And begin that practice.

• 49:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:27Dr. John Delony?

  So that when they're both 18, they're gonna have years of nerdy little dadisms from Phil and love notes and I'm crazy about you notes and maybe even some fears in there. I think that'd be a pretty magical thing.

• 49:43Speaker 03

  I like that idea.

• 49:45Dr. John Delony?

  But I think you're on the path, brother.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

• 49:49Dr. John Delony?

  Cool. Now, if you get into it and you screw it all up, call me back. Hopefully, I'll still be employed here. But I think you're gonna be good to go, man.

• 49:56Speaker 03

  I appreciate it. Thank you for the insight.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, man. Um.

• 50:04Dr. John Delony?

  I know this isn't for everybody, but having a daughter is one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.

• 50:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think we were able to choose the gender with the embryo and whatnot. We wanted, you know, just had to be whichever one.

• 50:18Dr. John Delony?

  So crazy. It's like video games now, man.

• 50:21Speaker 03

  It really is. Yeah. And then, um, and I mean, I don't know why if that, you know, I want a boy, I want a girl, but deep down inside, I was, I mean, I always wanted to be a girl dad. And I could have. I had to cry for way too long whenever I got the call that it was a, that was successful for one. And then we have a little girl. I mean, I'm bummed.

• 50:39Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, your kids are gonna have a dad who knows how to call his emotions out, man. They won the lottery. That's amazing, dude.

• 50:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:49Dr. John Delony?

  No, love deeply and love recklessly. And I think the meta-message for both your kids is no matter what, you can always come home.

• 50:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:58Dr. John Delony?

  And I would also give your 10-year-old some grace. I expect him to kind of be all over the place for a while.

• 51:05Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:05Dr. John Delony?

  As things, you know what I mean? Like, as a new kid interrupts his little, his little safety nest, and as he figures out, he gets old enough to realize, you know, my other dad left and, but this guy's amazing, but you're not my dad. And all of that just chaos that comes with adopted teens.

• 51:24Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, they also know how to love in a way that is pretty profound and powerful. So you got on, you got on quite the ride, my brother. And again, I want to honor you. It's amazing that you did that. There's a lot of kids out there that need good dads. And your daughter, man, you can look at both of your kids and say, no, no, no, no, no. I chose you. Usually you can only do that with adoption, but with the video game world we have now, you get to choose your daughter too. It's amazing, my brother. It's been an honor talking to you, Phil. Blessings to you. Send us a note when she's born, healthy, and we'll all shout you out here on the show. Take care. We'll be right back.

• 52:05Dr. John Delony?

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• 52:46Dr. John Delony?

  and help with sleep. Red light therapy can also help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day. And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks and more. Go to bondcharge.com/doloney and use coupon code doloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com/doloney and use coupon code doloney to save 15%. Go check them out.

• 53:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. We have an "Am I the Problem"? Not the original "Am I the Problem",

• 53:39Dr. John Delony?

  because Kelly's not here. So Taylor's filling in and her dad watches the show. So we'll save that, the good one for the next time. All right, so which one you got, Taylor?

• 53:48Speaker 04

  It's still a good "Am I the Problem"?

• 53:50Dr. John Delony?

  It's still, it's still good.

• 53:52Speaker 04

  All right. Well, this one is, "My husband and I have been married for 14 years. His family never includes me in any announcements, engagements, pregnancies, births, etc. They only tell my husband. He asks them to include me and I've expressed desires for that to happen, but they still don't. Not only that, when I tell them our big news, pregnancy after multiple miscarriages, they don't respond. When we're together in person, things are fine, but we all live in different states and rarely see each other. I constantly feel like an outsider, only catching bits of everyone's lives through my husband, who isn't the best communicator. Am I the problem for wanting to belong?"

• 54:27Dr. John Delony?

  No, not at all. And your family's the worst. And so where I'd say it's your problem is you continue showing up to the tiger cage and putting your hand through the fence and getting bit and getting mad at the tiger. A tiger's gonna be who the tiger is. And so, um, no, you're not the problem for wanting to be included. And you've done an amazing job of being upfront about it. It's not like your husband's even said, "Hey, this is ridiculous. This is my wife. Send her on the text chain too." And his family is, um, immature toddlers. And they're like, "We don't like her. We only talk to him", whatever they're doing. And so, yeah, no, it's not your, it's not your problem at all.

• 55:07Dr. John Delony?

  It's not by your hand, but it's in your lap. Your choice is, I'm gonna stop expecting a tiger to not have stripes. I'm gonna just, it's not biting you and I put my hand through the fence. I'm gonna quit putting my hand through the fence. And that means I'm not gonna try to live my life through their life. If they don't want me in it, I'm gonna, message received, I'm gonna go make a life elsewhere. And by the way, your husband's gonna need to be on board with that because his family's made it very clear, they don't want you in their life. And as for me and my house, if my family did that, my family has made it very clear that if me and my wife ever separated, they are team her all the way, all the way. Um, yeah, I'd be going to live at Ben's and Ben's in his gaming room or whatever. I don't know. It's gonna be a great time.

• 55:52Dr. John Delony?

  Time, man. We would party. But you're gonna have to teach me how the dwarfs of Gondor fight the elves of whatever dragon thing.

• 56:02Dr. John Delony?

  I'll teach you.

• 56:06Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. But yeah, I mean. I mean, a cow can't be a horse, right? It just can't be. And so that's what we got going on here. She wants her family to be something that's not. And for, what, 15 years, she say?

• 56:21Speaker 04

  14 years.

• 56:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's not gonna happen. And so I'm gonna go.

• 56:26Dr. John Delony?

  Find family somewhere else, which is heartbreaking to say out loud, but it is what it is, what it is. Does that sound right?

• 56:32Speaker 04

  Definitely. They kind of suck. They should respond.

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  And they don't. Hey, that's kind of the theme of this show. I'm gonna start a new thing right now. It may only be one time. It's called The Wrap-Up. Parents. Stop. Being so immature with your adult kids. My God, who cares how they vote? Who cares what books they read? Who ca- Include them in things. Call your kids and say, "I'm sorry." For letting all this nonsense get in the way of loving you and the person you choose to love as well. Stop. I'm watching families everywhere melt and just right in front of me. Because of this kind of petty ego nonsense. Stop. We need each other now more than ever.

• 57:23Dr. John Delony?

  I love you guys. Bye.