This One Skill Makes Every Relationship Better

If you want stronger relationships with the people in your life, there’s one skill you can get better at right now: empathy. Empathy isn’t just something you feel. It’s something you practice – in the small, everyday moments when someone needs to feel understood, supported, remembered, or cared for. In this episode, Mel teaches you 4 simple, research-backed ways to practice empathy and build more trust, connection, and closeness with your partner, family, friends, coworkers, and even people you’ve just met. You’ll learn how to stop assuming you know what someone is feeling and truly understand them. You’ll see how to turn the thought “I should reach out” into real connection. And you’ll know how to show up for someone who is struggling without putting the burden on them to tell you what they need. Mel also shares fascinating research on connection, a powerful lesson from organizational psychologist Adam Grant on the small gestures that strengthen relationships, and an unforgettable story from the late Judge Frank Caprio about what it really means to see the person standing in front of you. You’ll learn: -The simple question that can help someone feel truly understood -How to get people to open up to you without pushing -How to stop overthinking and finally reach out -A better way to support someone who’s overwhelmed -How to show up for people in the good moments, too -The small actions that quietly build trust over time - How to create more moments of connection in your everyday life Strong relationships are built in the small moments. And when you start showing up differently in those moments, you don’t just make someone else’s life better. You make your own life better, too. This episode is sponsored by our exclusive insurance partner, Amica. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked this episode, listen to this one next: Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family. . Mel also wants to tell you: Try the 23g protein shot I drink every single morning Join 2 million readers loving my weekly newsletter - full of tips, tools, and inspiration The Let Them Theory: read the book everyone’s talking about Watch the episodes on YouTube Connect with me on Instagram Follow the show’s Instagram for clips, behind the scenes, and more Find some daily positivity on my TikTok Want zero ads? Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-free Disclaimer

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:08Mel Robbins?

  If you want more people to like you, there is one skill that you really need to get better at. And here's the good news, you can. Today, I'm going to teach you four things you can start doing every single day, based on research, that will not only make other people like you, you're going to have more friends, better relationships, less frustration at home, you will become a master at resolving conflict. And when people talk about you, they're going to say great things. And it's not hard to learn this skill. What's super cool is you're going to learn today, based on the research, this is an easy skill to learn, because you are hardwired for it. And the more you practice the skill, the more you'll notice an immediate

• 0:53Mel Robbins?

  change in how you feel about yourself. And you're going to see this difference everywhere you go. Because the more you do these four simple things, the more you're going to like yourself, and the more other people will like you too.

• 1:07Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by Amica. Amica offers auto, home, and life insurance, but what really sets them apart is the way they take care of people. Their representatives take the time to understand you, answer your questions, and help you feel confident in your coverage. And if you ever need to make a claim, they work to make the process as seamless as possible. And look for ways to say yes. Visit amica.com today. As they say at Amica, empathy is our best policy. Now, let's talk about this one skill that makes everyone like you. And I'm going to teach you four simple ways to practice it. And so you're probably wondering, Mel, I'm

• 1:52Mel Robbins?

  in. What is this magical skill? What is the thing that makes other people like me? The skill is empathy. Hold on. You didn't see that coming. I don't want you to roll your eyes. Do not turn off this episode. I want you to learn this, and I want you to really embrace the research that I am going to unpack. So let's just start with the word empathy. Because I have a feeling that like I used to, maybe right now, you don't really understand kind of what empathy is, or how powerful of a skill it is in life. Empathy is a skill that powerful people have. Empathy is also not the same thing as feeling sorry

• 2:34Mel Robbins?

  for somebody. Right? Because feeling sorry for somebody else, depending upon the edge or the softness that it has, could either be sympathy, or it could be pity. That's not empathy. Empathy is something else entirely. But let's just talk common sense first. I want you to think about your favorite person. Like, who is the person that when you think about them, oh, my God, you just love this person. You have positive things to say. You exhale, your shoulders relax, you just really like this person. I guarantee you, the reason why you like this person is because when you're around them, you feel good about yourself. When you're around them, they make you feel seen and heard, and they listen to what you

• 3:19Mel Robbins?

  have to say, and they're interested in your life. That's why you like them, because of how they make you feel. Remember the famous Maya Angelou quote, "People do not remember what you do, they remember how you made them feel." And empathy is the bridge between you and somebody else. And the reason why you like other people is because other people make you feel good about you when you're around them.

• 3:43Mel Robbins?

  And now I want to drop even deeper into why empathy is an actual superpower. Empathy is not for people who are weak. Empathy is one of the most influential skills on the planet. And this is why I want you to really lean into this and practice this every single day. Because empathy, you're wired for this. It is the closest thing you have to a superpower. And the first reason why is it taps into this thing called the law of reciprocity. What is the law of reciprocity? Law of reciprocity is basically, when you do something nice for others, they do something nice for you. This has been studied extensively, that there

• 4:24Mel Robbins?

  is a hardwired psychological impulse for you to feel compelled to reciprocate whenever somebody does something nice for you. Now, for example, if somebody opens up the door for you, you're walking into a building, and somebody opens up the door, what do you immediately feel like you need to do if there's a door in front of you? Open it up for them. You don't even think about it. And so this law of reciprocity is hardwired in all of us. And so empathy is the intentional leveraging of this tendency that we have. And that's one of the benefits when you show up in a way where other people feel understood, seen,

• 5:07Mel Robbins?

  heard, and supported, because they want to give that back to you. So that's the law of reciprocity, that when you take the time to try to understand what somebody else is going through, it makes somebody feel good. And that makes them feel connected to you, that makes them like you. And it makes them also want to return the favor. Because it's tapping into something that we all have called mirror neurons. Now, mirror neurons, I can explain it to you in a very common sense way. There's a reason why when you watch a movie, and there's something super emotional happening, and one of the main characters, or anybody in the movie starts to cry, and you feel yourself welling up,

• 5:49Mel Robbins?

  your mirror neurons, watching somebody else experience emotion, positive or negative, triggers your mirror neurons to have a similar reaction. Neuroscientists often talk about mirror neurons as this neural bridge that connects you to other people. The person who really changed how I think about empathy is Dr. Stuart Abelon. Dr. Abelon is an award winning psychologist. He's a professor at Harvard Medical School. He's the founder and director of a program at Mass General Hospital, the number one research hospital in the world. It's called Think Kids. He's been working and researching and helping

• 6:31Mel Robbins?

  kids for 30 years in his clinical practice. And I asked him, I said, you know, Dr. Abelon, how do you think about the word empathy? And his answer was incredibly simple. He said one word, understanding. Understanding. Empathy is about understanding another person, what they're feeling, what their perspective is, what they're dealing with, before you judge, you jump in to fix, you give your opinion, or you like, make up your mind about somebody. And there's some good news here. Because researchers at the University of Toronto studied opportunities to practice the skill of empathy in your everyday life. And they

• 7:15Mel Robbins?

  published these findings, I'm about to share with you, in the Journal of Psychological Science. And they found that on average, you've got at least nine chances every day to practice the skill of empathy, which is acting in a way that other people feel understood by you and cared for by you. Now, some of these chances might be right in front of your face right now. Empathy is the ability for you to meet people in the moments that matter to them, whether they're hurting, or they're happy, whether it's positive or negative. And here's why this is so important. Every single one of those little moments can make someone's life better. And when you are able to leverage this skill of empathy

• 8:00Mel Robbins?

  in these moments, instead of snapping to judgment, or avoiding people, or missing the moment, it makes your life better too. And so let's talk about the four ways, super simple, that you can practice the skill of empathy every single day. And this first one is ask. Don't guess. Don't guess how somebody's doing. Ask. And I'm going to be honest with you, I got this wrong for most of my life. See, I always thought empathy was the ability to step in someone's shoes, and kind of guess how they're feeling, and that's how we're relating. Turns out, that's not what that means. Thinking you know what

• 8:42Mel Robbins?

  somebody is feeling is the wrong way to approach this. You need to stop guessing and start asking. Ask more questions. Listen more. And you and I both do this. We go through our life on autopilot. We fill in the blanks about people all day long. How many times have you chalked your partner's terrible mood up to something? What is their problem? Why are they always like this? Why are they taking their work stress out on me? They clearly don't care. Or somebody at work. Somebody at work is not pulling their weight. They miss a deadline. They do something dumb that they normally do really well. And then you think, well, they don't care about this like I do. Or your friend calls with

• 9:27Mel Robbins?

  fantastic news. And you say, that's amazing. And then you immediately switch topics to something else. In all of those instances, you guessed. You didn't ask a single question.

• 9:44Mel Robbins?

  When you practice empathy, you do the opposite. You stop and you ask. And you're saying, when you ask a question, well, tell me more about that. You know, you don't seem like yourself. What's going on? You know, normally, you don't miss these things. Like, is everything okay? Like, do you have a lot, like, you don't seem like yourself. You know, we have a producer here who once had this editor that was falling short at work. Like, all of a sudden, the work product was falling off, and it wasn't like them. And then they started showing up late. The editing was sloppy. He wasn't delivering. What do you do? You ask, is everything okay?

• 10:23Mel Robbins?

  You don't seem like yourself. Everything okay? Turns out, everything wasn't okay. He had been taking care of his sick mom. He was shuttling her to doctor's appointments, and he was trying to manage all of that on top of a full-time, fast-paced job. And now that our producer stopped and asked, not guessed, asked. Because when you guess, you say, I guess you don't care. When you ask, you go, oh, my gosh, you've got a lot going on. And now you know the situation. And now you're practicing empathy. And you can figure out a better way to move forward. Empathy is not stepping in someone else's shoes. Empathy is not mind-reading.

• 11:06Mel Robbins?

  Empathy is pausing long enough to ask the question. That's why you ask, because you can't guess how somebody else is feeling. And I'm gonna just say it again. I got this wrong for a very long time because I, especially as a young parent, thought I could just understand how my kid was feeling. And I remember, I've shared this a lot on the podcast because it was incredibly challenging and heartbreaking time. Our son was in the fourth grade. He was struggling in school. It's almost like you could see the light dimming inside your kid. And we were just beginning to understand

• 11:49Mel Robbins?

  that he had dyslexia and dysgraphia and executive functioning issues and ADHD. He felt like an outsider. And, you know, as his mom, what do you do? Well, when you see your kid struggling or you see somebody that you love struggling, those mirror neurons, they go right off. You start to struggle too. You start to worry. And so I did what I always do when I'm scared. You know what I am? I'm a bulldozer. I go right into problem-solving mode. What do we need to do? Who do we need to call? What is the plan? How do we fix this? And in my mind, I think I'm helping. I love you, Oakley. I'm worried about you. I see a problem on the surface, so I'm just gonna jump in and solve it.

• 12:31Mel Robbins?

  But the attempt to try to help just made things worse. And I'm sure you've done the same thing. And I skipped over the most important thing that my son needed. He wasn't a problem to be solved. He was a human being who needed to feel understood. And what I needed to do or could have done, and what I hope you will do and what I'm gonna do now is, don't guess. Don't just jump in. Stop and ask. I wish I would have sat down with him, even in fourth grade, and said, honey, I can see that this is really hard. Can you help me understand what's hard?

• 13:15Mel Robbins?

  What's the hardest part for you? What do you think all the adults are missing? What is this actually like for you? I mean, just think about how different that feels on the receiving end. Rather than adults running around going, I know what you need. Instead, I'm saying, hey, you're not alone in this. And I really wanna understand what this is like for you. It shifts everything. It creates connection. It makes somebody feel safe. And now, whenever I'm in a situation where I don't know how to help somebody, I don't jump into fixing. And I don't guess. I ask, help me understand.

• 14:00Mel Robbins?

  And it's not just for the hard moments. Help me understand. Tell me more matters when life is going really well, too. We miss these moments all the time. When somebody you love is excited. Oh, my gosh, they got a good grade. They got asked out on a date. They won some award. They had a really good day at work. They posted that video they'd been procrastinating on for three weeks. Don't just say, great, and move on and start cooking dinner. Pause. Tell me more. That's awesome. Wow, what did that feel like? Because you don't have to care about the thing as much as they do. But you care about them,

• 14:41Mel Robbins?

  which is why you care that it matters to them. That's empathy. You know, people don't only want company and support in their pain. They want company in their joy. And underneath it all, when you make somebody's joy even bigger, you know what you're saying? You're saying, you matter to me. And your happiness matters to me, too. So that's the first step. The next time you're around somebody and they're either feeling a little low or they're feeling something good, don't guess. Ask. And after you ask the question, really listen. And don't worry about what you're gonna say next because your goal is just to be there and to understand.

• 15:26Mel Robbins?

  Coming up, I'm gonna show you three more ways to practice this incredible skill of empathy. And next thing you know, you're not only gonna like yourself more, you're gonna become one of the most likable people you know. But first, I just wanna take another moment to thank the sponsor of today's episode, Amica. And what I love about Amica is their representatives. They really take the time to listen, understand what you need, and show up when it matters. And that kind of consistency is what builds trust, and it gives you peace of mind. In fact, there's one story from Amica I wanna share with you because it's such a powerful example of empathy in action. So it was in the middle of a hurricane a few years back, and a tree fell on an Amica customer's home. And shortly after that,

• 16:11Mel Robbins?

  this same customer, her husband, was diagnosed with recurrent lung cancer. So just imagine for a second, there's a lot that you're carrying in that moment. You've got a tree on your house, and you have to deal with the damage of this and the claims. And now your husband has been diagnosed with recurrent lung cancer, and she's caring for him? Well, that's when Michael Jones, a general property adjuster at Amica, came into her life. Michael didn't just show up and assess the property for damage. No. Michael displayed empathy through action. He stayed closely involved throughout the entire home repair process, listening, answering questions,

• 16:53Mel Robbins?

  and helping guide her through every single step from start to finish. She was so moved by this that she later wrote that having Michael's support allowed her to focus on her husband during an incredibly difficult time. And Michael just told her, look, I was just treating you the way I'd want somebody to treat my own mom. And she said she truly felt that. That's empathy. When you show up in a way that makes somebody feel like they matter. That's the power of taking time to truly understand what someone else is going through.

• 17:36Mel Robbins?

  And Amica representatives always put in the time to make sure you feel confident and prepared for whatever is coming your way. It's the kind of personal attention that's helped Amica build enduring customer relationships for generations. In fact, their customers stay with them more than three times longer than the industry average. And if I had to guess, you wanna know why? I think it's because they show up and do business with empathy. They make their customers feel like they matter. Visit amica.com today. As they say at Amica, empathy is our best policy. Now let's talk about the second way

• 18:19Mel Robbins?

  you're going to practice this skill of empathy in your everyday life. I wrote about this in the Let Them Theory book. I call it go first. Don't sit around and wait for other people. You go first. You be the one to reach out. If you're anything like me, when somebody comes to your mind, you think, okay, oh, yeah, Jesse. I really should text Jesse. I wonder how that appointment went. I should call my dad. I should congratulate him. Oh, my gosh, I haven't seen her forever. We really should get together. And then what happens? You have the best of intentions. But then you get distracted. Or you think, oh, well, it's like 3:15, and I only have five minutes before I pull into the grocery store. And that's not enough time to talk to somebody, so I'm not gonna call them. I don't wanna bother them right now. They're at the hospital.

• 19:03Mel Robbins?

  And, you know, I don't wanna be those people that's a real burden. They're probably busy. I'm sure somebody else has already checked in on them. You know, it's been so long. Wouldn't it be weird if I just reached out right now out of the blue, even though they popped into my mind and that's sort of a sign that I should go first? So then you don't. And I wanna be honest about something. Sending the text isn't hard. Picking up the phone and making a call, that's not hard. It's the moment right before you're about to do it. And how you start wondering, what is it gonna feel like? Is this gonna be awkward, unwanted? Am I gonna interrupt them? Am I bothering them? Are they gonna be weird? Should I call them? But thinking about someone is not the same thing as showing them

• 19:47Mel Robbins?

  that you're thinking of them. Because your sister can't feel that text you never sent.

• 19:54Mel Robbins?

  Your college roommate can't hear the compliment that you kept in your head. Your husband doesn't feel the care that comes from saying, hey, you don't seem like yourself. Did you have a hard day? Tell me what's going on. They don't know you were thinking about calling as you were driving to the grocery store. So thinking doesn't count. And if you have trouble with this, you're not alone. If you're one of those people that has really good intentions, but it never translates to action, I want you to hear from Dr. Adam Grant. Dr. Adam Grant is an organizational psychologist, bestselling author, the youngest ever tenured professor at the Wharton School of Business in their history.

• 20:38Mel Robbins?

  He's also been their top rated professor for the last seven years. He's written six New York Times bestselling books, all about motivation, hidden potential, relationships, influence. And he appeared on this podcast, the Mel Robbins podcast, and explained this beautiful concept called pebbling. And I love this concept, and I want you to learn about it because I know it's going to stick with you. And because there's this visual thing, the next time you think of somebody, it'll motivate you to do something and go first and make them feel it.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  I love pebbling. Pebbling, the origin of the term is there are some penguins that when they're courting mates, they will present smooth, shiny pebbles as a way of showing, you know, basically they're suitable for partnering and building a nest together. It's a little gesture that says, hey, I might be for you. The modern digital equivalent of pebbling is sending other people memes, links, reels, and articles. Pebbling is not about spamming people with random junk from the internet. It's about carefully choosing a little bit of information that you know is going to resonate with somebody else.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  And it says, I thought of you, I know you, I see you. Every pebble is a bid for connection. There have been now multiple studies which show that after you meet somebody new, if a week or a month later, you send them a little pebble and you say, hey, I saw this meme of Macaulay Culkin wearing a shirt with Ryan Gosling on it. And then Ryan Gosling wore a shirt of Macaulay Culkin, wearing the Ryan Gosling shirt. And I like, I know this is your jam, this is your kind of humor. It just reminded me of you instantly. That person will feel closer to you because you got them, right? You remember their unique sense of humor.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  And I think that that's a great way to strengthen a bond. It's also a great way to get back in touch with someone. You reach out to somebody who's called a dormant tie, somebody you haven't talked to in two years, five years, maybe a decade or more. I just finished the new season of Ted Lasso. And there is an episode that has you written all over it. And that person really feels like, wow, first of all, I can't believe you remembered my taste in TV. So you've done a memory flex. You have said, hey, guess what? I cared enough about you to pay attention to you. But you've also now created a reason to reconnect.

• 23:25Mel Robbins?

  I love what Dr. Grant just said. I'll give you an example of pebbling in my life. When my husband buys me the cheapest bouquet of grocery store flowers, I'm talking like the $5 bouquet, the little like tiny looking thing that everybody's ignoring. And he brings it home and puts it just in a mason jar on the island in the kitchen. And I see it because what I know is that he cared enough about me and was thinking about me while he was out running an errand. And he remembered that I love flowers, no matter what they are.

• 24:07Mel Robbins?

  And he took an action to show me that. Lot of us go to the grocery store and think about buying the flowers. That doesn't count. You are not practicing empathy if you're just thinking about what you could do. You need to make it physical. You need to have that little pebble because the pebble itself is evidence. It's an action that you cared enough to pay attention to the other person, even if it's a dumb meme. I remembered that you liked this thing. I remembered that we laughed about this two years ago. And one of the biggest reasons why we don't do more pebbling,

• 24:47Mel Robbins?

  why we don't go first, is because, believe it or not, a lot of you think that that gesture is not going to be met with warmth and with like appreciation. And if you're thinking that, that you're feeling a little weird about pebbling or sending that text or, you know, making the first gesture going first, I want to share some research out of Stanford that tells you you're wrong. Researchers studied more than 5,000 undergraduate students and they found something they call the empathy perception gap. Basically, that a lot of us walk around and we underestimate how caring, supportive, and appreciative everybody else is going to be. I'm going to give you an example.

• 25:31Mel Robbins?

  Students guessed that about, eh, maybe 87% of their peers would help somebody who was having a hard time. But when students were asked whether or not they themselves would help, 96% of people said yes. So what happens if you start to believe that like you, 96% of people are warm, caring, empathetic, and understanding and would love to talk to you? Well, the students started reaching out more. They began to go first. And guess what happened? Months later, their social networks had expanded. They were more likeable, like all the things that we're talking about. So let's bottom line this research.

• 26:13Mel Robbins?

  The thing standing between you and more connection in your life, more likability, is not that people don't care about you. It's that everybody is waiting for someone else to do it first. Be that somebody. This is why I say empathy is for winners. Empathy is for the strong. Empathy is for people who are influential. Empathy means you go first. And the next time somebody pops into your mind, send them a pebble. You know what to do. And if somebody tells you something important that's happening on Thursday, put a little something in your calendar and wish them luck on Thursday. If they have a surgery next week on Tuesday, set a reminder and text them.

• 26:55Mel Robbins?

  If you see somebody who looks like they could use a friendly face, just say hello, smile. If you hear good news about somebody, tell them you're happy for them. And I want you, as you start to practice this second aspect of the skill of empathy, empathy in action, I want you to notice something. Notice what happens when you start living this way. Because it changes everything. First of all, it changes you because now you're practicing empathy in action. You're the one giving the pebbles. But it also changes how people feel about you. Because when you give somebody that pebble or that flowers or that meme, they feel remembered. They feel included, they feel celebrated, they feel less alone.

• 27:37Mel Robbins?

  Have you ever texted somebody who's like, hey, I remember today's such and such at your big job interview? And they're like, really? Thank you, you remembered? Wow. And if you've ever had somebody do that for you, you're like, whoa, you were thinking of me? Isn't it sad that we all walk around thinking people don't care about us? Isn't it sad that we walk around thinking other people are not warm and kind and appreciative? And here we all are isolated, wanting the same thing. We want to feel understood and seen and celebrated. So that's the second way you're going to practice empathy every single day. And the third way, you're going to love this, I call this paper plates.

• 28:21Mel Robbins?

  Drop off paper plates. Let me explain what I mean by that. So there was this extraordinary expert that we had on the podcast a few years ago. You may remember her. She's a licensed clinical therapist and a bestselling author, and her name is Casey Davis. And she came on to share simple little things that improve your life. And one of the best pieces of advice that she shared was what to do to help a struggling friend. And this advice inspired me so much. It has changed the way that I show up for people in my life who are struggling. So let me tell you first what I used to do before Casey Davis taught me this paper plate trick.

• 29:06Mel Robbins?

  What I used to do when somebody was struggling or going through a hard time, or they were telling me that they were going through something hard, is I would be like, oh, my gosh, you know, I'm really sorry that that's happening, that that really is awful. How can I support you? Or you send somebody a text, I heard about, you know, this thing that happened. What do you need? And what Casey Davis taught me is something I want you to steal. When somebody that you love is struggling, do not ask them what they need. Yes, you can ask them questions about how they're feeling. Tell me more about that. Help me understand what's going on. When you ask somebody who's struggling, well, what do you need? You know, just tell me what I can do to support you.

• 29:50Mel Robbins?

  Most people are like, I don't even know what day it is. And here's what Casey Davis says. Paper plates.

• 29:58Mel Robbins?

  Just drop off paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils. Because you know what? The last thing a person needs is a sink full of dishes when they're going through a hard time. And those paper plates and those disposable cups and those disposable utensils, you know what that says if you open up your door and you see that on a porch with a lovely note? It's not even a pebble. It's kind of like a giant boulder of love. It literally says, I care about you. I don't know what to do, so I'm doing this. When somebody drops off a casserole after you've had a baby, what does it say? Oh, my gosh. Wow. They're thinking of me.

• 30:41Mel Robbins?

  That's it. When somebody shows up, if you're really struggling and they just clean your kitchen or they do your laundry. You know, I was really, really sick this summer and my husband and I have this annual thing where lots of his college friends, who I just love, come into town. And I was in bed all weekend while we had 14 people here. All couples, amazing people, many of whom were in our wedding 30 years ago, and I was in bed sick. And let me tell you something. Not once did anyone come into the bedroom and go, what can I do to support you?

• 31:23Mel Robbins?

  Instead, they cleaned the house, they cooked all the meals, they walked the dogs. It was like the best weekend you could possibly be sick because they just took care of everything. And in taking care of everything, I didn't have to ask. I felt so cared for. And yeah, I missed out on all the fun, but having just a plate of food show up next to the bed where I had taken a nap, oh, my gosh, walking into the kitchen when I came out of the bedroom and seeing it clean, oh, my gosh. They just did what needed to be done without asking me what I needed. And that's why the third way you can practice empathy, you can display it, it's empathy

• 32:04Mel Robbins?

  through action, is put yourself in a similar situation and think, what could I do that would demonstrate support without asking them what they need? And maybe that just looks like showing up and sitting with them. The other thing I love about paper plates is it asks you to do something different than you normally do. You're coming to the person with open arms and you're giving the person in front of you the response or the support that truly sees and helps them without asking them for anything in return. One of the best examples of this I have ever heard came from the late Judge Frank Caprio.

• 32:48Mel Robbins?

  Now, you might remember him as America's nicest judge and his kindness in his Rhode Island courtroom made him a viral sensation with millions of people following him from around the world. And I feel so honored that I got to sit down with Judge Caprio just a few months before he passed away at 88 years old. And during our conversation, I asked him about his very first day as a judge in municipal court, where most of the people coming in before him are dealing with everyday things like parking fines, traffic violations. And something happened on that very first day on the bench that totally changed the way that Judge Caprio treated people for the next 30 years.

• 33:31Mel Robbins?

  Here is Judge Frank Caprio on the Mel Robbins Podcast. Take a listen.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  I get elected. Now, I'm a judge. I got the robe, right? I'm going to go, I'm the boss, I'm going to sit on the bench. And this is it now, right? I have arrived. So I said to my father, I said, Dad, my first day on the bench. He said, I'll come down and walk. I said, good. Come down, I'll offer you to come down. So I'm there and I am really full of myself. I'm a judge now. Look at me. All rise, please. Everybody rises and so forth. It's so crazy. So this woman comes before me, she had a boot on her car. I don't know what she owed, a couple hundred dollars in tickets and she couldn't pay them. So I said, if you don't pay it, I'm not going to take the boot off the car. And she says, I just don't have the money.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  I don't have the money and I have four kids. It's my first day on the bench. No one's going to bully me around, right? So I says, well, you owe the money. And if you don't, we're going to leave the boot on the car. She says, I don't have the money. I have to get my kids to school. So I said, I'm sorry. Continue the case. We'll give you a couple of days to come in, right? And my father's in the courtroom. After court's over, my father comes into the chambers. I'm so happy. He said, Dad, how did it go? He said, how did it go? How could you do that? How could I do what? He said, Frank, she had four kids.

• 35:01Speaker 02

  Now suppose she can't feed the kids tonight if she paid those tickets. She has, no, she doesn't have a car. She can't drive them to school. What are you doing? You weren't brought up that way. My first day on the court set the tone of my judgeship of over 30 years. After that, I took everybody's personal situation into consideration in the imposition of a sentence. This woman, she was insulting to begin with, but you have to overcome that.

• 35:32Mel Robbins?

  Because she was scared.

• 35:34Speaker 02

  And she was scared to death, right?

• 35:36Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 35:37Speaker 02

  As my father said.

• 35:38Mel Robbins?

  Well, I think she was a gift to you because you write in this book on page 110. The lesson was that being a judge is much more about the person in front of you than it is about the law. Since then, I've always tried to find out what was really going on with the person. And I always considered how my ruling would impact not only them, but their whole family.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Right. Those are the only words. I did that.

• 36:07Mel Robbins?

  That right there is a lesson. I've always tried to find out what was really going on with the person. And I want you to take a moment right now and think about what could you do that would really demonstrate to somebody that you care? Think about somebody in your life. Maybe it's somebody you're worried about. Maybe it's somebody going through a hard time. Maybe it's somebody that just had something amazing happen and you didn't comment on their post celebrating it. What could you do that could make somebody else feel understood, supported, and seen? That's empathy and action. And it doesn't have to be complicated.

• 36:50Mel Robbins?

  If somebody has their hands full, hold the door. If your coworker is buried, take something off their to-do list. If your kid is crushed, because they didn't make the team, sit with them. Sit. And before you start talking and coaching and advising and consoling, ask them how they're doing. Don't wait for them to reach out for support. Show up. Bring the paper plates. That's it. When you feel that somebody could use support, provide the support. And that brings me to the fourth simple way that you will become more likeable and you are demonstrating empathy. And by the way, this one's my favorite.

• 37:35Mel Robbins?

  Keep on waving. Let me explain. The energy you put out is the energy you get back. And the empathy that you display is the empathy and understanding support that you get back. The wave that you extend to the neighbor is the wave that you receive in return. And isn't it funny? Someone has to wave first. But once you wave, most people wave back. And I have to tell you this story that was reported on by Steve Hartman at CBS News. Now, if you don't know Steve, he hosts these incredible segments. I love these segments. They're called On the Road. And in the segment, Steve travels around the country telling stories just about ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

• 38:17Mel Robbins?

  And oftentimes, it's the simplest things that are extraordinary. They're the kinds of stories that remind you of the best in people. Now, this particular story that I fell in love with, I sent this to so many people. It was so beautiful. It's about a four-year-old boy in Concord, North Carolina named Roman. Roman loves people. In fact, Roman had this habit of standing outside, you know, in his front yard, waving to his neighbors. He waves to people walking by. He says hello. He just keeps going first. He just keeps waving over and over.

• 39:01Mel Robbins?

  I see you, I'm waving at you, I'm smiling at you. And there's a reason why waving at people mattered so much to him. Four-year-old Roman was lonely. His parents had separated and dad had moved to Florida. His grandparents lived out of state. But Roman, Roman just kept on waving. And eventually, one of his neighbors, a senior citizen named Wade, noticed this little boy across the street who was always waving. And one day, you know what Wade did? Wade walked over and introduced himself. And here's where the story gets beautiful.

• 39:41Mel Robbins?

  Roman kept waving and Wade, who, by the way, kind of looks like Santa Claus, kept crossing the street and visiting. And they started spending time together. And then guess what happened? As Roman kept waving, other senior citizens that lived on the street, other neighbors, started waving back. And then they started showing up at Roman's house. And then you know what Roman did? He started inviting him to his soccer games. And you know what they did? They came. And they came to his swimming lessons and to his open house at school and his birthday party. And suddenly, you see what's happening. Roman kept waving and Wade kept coming back and Roman kept inviting people in and the

• 40:26Mel Robbins?

  neighbors kept showing up. And now Roman isn't lonely because he has this posse of adopted grandparents that were all neighbors, that nobody knew each other. And here's the thing that's interesting about this. Nobody did some big, enormous, heroic thing. Nothing. It all started with a simple wave. And Roman, this little boy who'd been feeling lonely, suddenly had an entire family he had created. Roman's mom said his loneliness was gone. But here's the important thing.

• 41:09Mel Robbins?

  Was Roman the only person whose life was changed? No. Simply by waving, by demonstrating empathy, "I see you over there. I want to say hello to you. You matter to me." By simply doing that, he wound up bringing together a dozen neighbors who have all said they would have barely known one another otherwise. Don't you love that? The little boy who needed a community helped create one. And now Roman's got all these like chosen grandparents in his life, and these people get each other. That's the power of what we're talking about. And it starts with the smallest thing, a wave.

• 41:54Mel Robbins?

  Because that's how connection is built. It's not through some of these big things that you're sitting around waiting to do. It's through all the little moments right in front of you where you demonstrate to someone else, "I see you. I remember. What matters to you matters to me." And I want you to think about the person in your life who's done that for you. The friend who remembers the appointment you mentioned three weeks ago. The barista who always asks you about your kids and they remember them by name. The sibling who knows an anniversary is going to be hard this year. How does that person make you feel? You like that person, don't you? You trust them. You feel kind of close to them.

• 42:38Mel Robbins?

  Maybe even tell them things. You like that they're in your life and your day is better because of them. And the reason why your day is better and the reason why you like them is because they are demonstrating empathy to you. And now you know that you can demonstrate empathy to them. In fact, you can do it to anyone. If you practice these four simple ways to build the skill and demonstrate the skill of empathy in your life, I promise you, you are going to see a difference everywhere. I think it's pretty clear why people are going to like you. Because when you show up in life this way and you stop guessing

• 43:22Mel Robbins?

  and you ask people what's going on and how they're doing, when you're the one that's going first, when you bring the paper plates and show up with the support without being asked, when you keep on waving, people like you because they like how you make them feel. And that's why this works. Do not underestimate how much power you have in these tiny moments. And remember the research. The research says that you and I get about nine of these every single day. Nine chances to make someone else feel like they matter. Nine chances to expand the joy that somebody feels. Nine chances to offer support

• 44:06Mel Robbins?

  and give support to somebody who's feeling alone. Empathy is something you give to another person and in return, you feel better about yourself and you have better relationships. Because every time you make somebody else feel seen, understood, supported, celebrated, or remembered, oh my gosh, you will get that back. Because it's not about what you're doing, it's how you make people feel. And empathy is the skill that helps you make other people feel good about themselves. And when other people feel good about themselves because of you, they like you a lot. So start practicing those four simple things

• 44:49Mel Robbins?

  every single day. Because what I've learned about the skill of empathy is it's not just about what it does for the other person. It will come back a hundredfold to you as well. And the better you get at this, the more that you practice these four simple things, the more you're going to like yourself and the more other people are going to like you too. And in case no one else tells you this today as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And one of the simplest ways to create a better life is to start creating better moments with the people who are already in it. All righty, I'll see you in the very next episode.

• 45:34Mel Robbins?

  I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play.

• 45:39Mel Robbins?

  All right, you ready? Okay, here we go. Is that Chris? Come on in, Paxton, come in. He was listening, answering questions and helping her. Hold on a second.

• 45:54Mel Robbins?

  All right, it's the coffee. My nose is starting to be... I'm not bright red, right? I don't think I have anything in there. It's like I feel like I'm... My allergies are getting worse and worse on this. They're the kinds of story that remind you of the... Sorry, second. Because strong relationships don't happen by accident. They happen on purpose. And so much... Okay, let me just look at the end and see if we can... That's how we do this, right there. Okay.

• 46:32Mel Robbins?

  I also want to thank the sponsor of today's episode about empathy, Amica. Amica has been building trusted relationships with policyholders since 1907. And do you want to know what their customers say makes the difference? It's the people. Amica representatives take the time to listen, answer your questions and help you feel confident in your coverage. That kind of personal care is what Amica is all about. Visit amica.com today. As they say at Amica, empathy is our best policy.

• 47:07Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.