336. Why do we crave external validation?

In our twenties, the feedback sources that once defined our worth - grades, report cards, and parental praise - start to disappear. This leaves a void, which many of us instinctively turn to external sources like social media, career achievements, and the opinions of others, to fill. And while this external validation isn’t inherently bad, we need to be mindful of refilling our own sense of self before becoming reliant on others. In this episode, we discuss why a life built on others' approval is like living on quicksand and how to cultivate a sturdy, reliable sense of self that will withstand the inevitable ebb and flow of external opinions. We’ll explore: • The difference between external and internal validation • Why our brains are wired to seek social approval • The looking glass self and the inherent need to belong • How contingent self-esteem can quietly erode confidence • How to recognise when you’re outsourcing your self-worth • Balancing feedback without letting it define you If the number of likes on your Instagram post has ever dictated how you feel - this episode is for you. ORDER MY BOOK https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:28Jemma Sbeg?

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• 2:48Jemma Sbeg?

  These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. Your social media feed is packed with wellness trends telling you to cold plunge, protein max, and so much more. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? Health versus Hype from the American Medical Association breaks it all down. Emmy nominated host Trace Dominguez talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors, to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to really matters. Listen to Health vs. Hype wherever you get your podcasts.

• 3:31Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

• 3:49Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s. Today, we're going to talk about external validation. We're going to talk about external validation and why it is that we seem to spend so much of our short, precious, miraculous lives looking for approval.

• 4:18Jemma Sbeg?

  It's this thought that seems to like stalk us in the back of even our most confident moments. You know, but do they like me? Am I enough? Like, what are they secretly thinking about me? Have I proved myself yet? And I can't be the only one who has kind of realised how much these thoughts just like take from being able to just exist in my own timeline, in my own body, in the moment, in the things that I enjoy. It's like every single time I do something, there is always this thought that has to be devoted to someone else, which is honestly pretty exhausting. In our twenties, I think we are particularly susceptible to the hunger and the need for external validation.

• 4:59Jemma Sbeg?

  It is a decade of firsts, first jobs, first adult relationships, first time living independently. And because everything feels uncertain, sometimes it feels like we just keep looking to our left, keep looking to others, looking over our shoulder, looking for someone to like give us a sign or give us some sense of guidance that we are getting it right, that we ourselves are right. And don't get me wrong, you know, validation feels good, there's like a rush, a warmth, like a sense of being seen. But it's how much we rely on that feeling that actually makes a difference. When we rely on others to tell us we're worthy, we basically hand over the keys to our self-esteem and say like, do whatever you want with this.

• 5:41Jemma Sbeg?

  You know, every compliment or moment of praise can be kind of make or break. And every critique is like a threat to a much deeper part of who we are. And that is what we're going to talk about today. It can be addictive, but external validation is remarkably fragile, as many people who have had it and lost it will tell you. And it can leave us feeling deeply hollow if and when, because it is a situation of, of when it disappears. So in this episode, we're going to break down why it actually feels so good, why some part of us really needs it. But then also how we can shift back towards internal validation. What are the hidden costs of relying on this a little bit too much?

• 6:23Jemma Sbeg?

  How does people's experience with fame tell us about external validation and social approval? And what does it do to our internal compass? What does it do to our values? What does it do to our authentic nature? When other people's voices are always allowed to speak over our own.

• 6:43Jemma Sbeg?

  I'm super excited for this episode. Thank you for tuning in. Without further ado, let's get into why we crave external validation as much as we do.

• 6:59Jemma Sbeg?

  So you've probably heard about external and internal validation as like two sides of the same coin, two distinct ways we build our sense of self-worth. Whilst both feel really good and are completely necessary as well, we're not trying to like villainize external validation or make it seem unimportant. They do come from very different sources and they have vastly different impacts on our long-term wellbeing. So what is the difference? It's in the name. External validation is any kind of affirmation that comes from the outside, specifically that comes from others. It operates on a bit of a social feedback loop whereby when someone likes a photo of yours

• 7:40Jemma Sbeg?

  or you experience public praise or someone saying good job or someone allowing you into the in-group, that kind of signals that others not only see us, they approve of us, which therefore makes us feel good and makes us feel like we are doing something right. Think of it kind of like a signal from the outside world confirming your value and therefore your broader acceptance. That obviously gives us a little bit of a glow. However, the problem is that the source of our worth, when it is completely external, it also means it's completely outside of our control. Even though we can like dictate our actions to try and gain more validation, there's actually no determining whether we will actually receive it from our desired target.

• 8:23Jemma Sbeg?

  Therefore, it is what we call a borrowed or inconstant sense of value that by its very nature can be given or taken away by others at any time and more specifically for any reason, fair or unfair.

• 8:39Jemma Sbeg?

  Internal validation, however, is different. It comes from within. Its source is from ourselves. It's your ability to recognize your own worth, your own effort, integrity, your own beauty and specialness and intelligence, regardless of whether others react the way that you want them to. This type of validation is not about an outcome. It's not specifically about praise. It's not specifically about social approval. It's about self-approval and self-assessment. For example, you know, instead of waiting for someone to read an article you wrote or read or look at something you're really proud of and acknowledge that for you, you are able to acknowledge your hard work independently.

• 9:23Jemma Sbeg?

  You are able to kind of put on your objective lenses and say, hey, that actually took a lot of time for me. That actually is and does show real talent for me. I'm allowed to be proud of that, even if my contributions and my effort goes unnoticed by other people. I think sometimes we have like a natural instinct against this because as much as we want social approval, we also don't want to come off as arrogant. And for a lot of cultures, individualistic or collective, like humility is something that we prize and praise beyond anything else. Having internal validation doesn't mean that you are like an egomaniac.

• 10:06Jemma Sbeg?

  It just means that you actually are able to be honest about your own skills, about your own effort, about your own internal worth. Like humility is sometimes just as dishonest as arrogance. So internal validation and a sense of strong internal self-worth, I think when done right is like one of the most honest ways we can show up in society and the most honest ways we can approach ourselves. The difference really comes down to this. External validation really asks, do they think I'm okay? And internal validation asks, do I think I'm okay? Think about someone that's just been on a first date.

• 10:51Jemma Sbeg?

  Someone reliant on external validation may start thinking, you know, I really wonder what they thought of me. I really wonder if they liked my outfit. I really wonder like if they really meant that compliment. If they wanna see me again, if I came off as, you know, I came across as as good or how I how I wanna be seen. All of these are important data points, but it also at no point asks you how you value that experience. Having a strong sense of internal validation is walking away from a first date or any situation and thinking, you know, I was super honest. I showed up as myself, I had fun. Whether or not they text me back, their response to this authentic version of me doesn't change that experience.

• 11:35Jemma Sbeg?

  And importantly, again, both can coexist. One doesn't cancel the other out. But whilst both types of validation can coexist, they are not equal. One of them is far sturdier than the other. Internal validation is far more reliable. Self determination theory, which is a really well established framework in psychology, really shows that this is the case. And it suggests that a focus on intrinsic sources of affirmation, like personal growth, like mastery of skills, like acting in alignment with our values, is directly linked and obviously linked to greater psychological resilience, greater psychological wellbeing, to being a happier and more well rounded person.

• 12:19Jemma Sbeg?

  People who are driven by these internal motivators are also more likely to be authentic because if you are constantly looking for social approval, you can see how that completely and will always bring us back to a very homogeneous and strict norm. People who are able to really be guided by what they like about themselves and what they like about their actions are actually also more different and interesting. They also have a stronger resilience to setbacks. They have less anxiety, they have less stress. This is because they aren't constantly chasing an external prize. They're not constantly chasing gratification. So their focus, something that is so precious and so prized.

• 13:02Jemma Sbeg?

  Is more finely tuned and comes back to the person who really should be the owner of that focus and should be at the centre of that self-focus, which is ourselves. So if internal validation is so powerful, why is it not the natural default? Well, because external validation is more immediate, it's more addictive, and it is reinforced by both our biology and our culture as well. From the time, and I feel like we talk about this in every single episode, we take it back to childhood, but it's because like it really is Pandora's box for so many of these things. But from the time we are like little tiny humans,

• 13:46Jemma Sbeg?

  most of us are conditioned to tie our worth to other people's approval. We learn that good behaviour or certain behaviours earn praise, bad behaviours bring punishment. We internalise the idea that our worth is really dictated by people's reactions to our actions. In other words, I am what others say I am, I am dictated by how others respond to me.

• 14:10Jemma Sbeg?

  This is where the concept of the looking glass self comes in. It was presented by this sociologist called Charles Horton Cooley, and he basically argued, and I agree with him, that our social interactions act as a mirror to reflect back how we should view ourselves. We really do develop our sense of self, not in a bubble, but by imagining how others see us, by interpreting their reactions and then building our identity around that reflection. If people laugh at your jokes, you start to believe you're the funny one. If they criticize your looks or make sly digs, you start to believe you're unattractive or that you need to change something about yourself. If people tell you you're creative enough, you will begin to see that

• 14:55Jemma Sbeg?

  you are a creative person and begin to internalise that and believe that. We start to view ourselves in the way we think others view us. And that's the key thing. This is, to just add another layer to this mirror, this is only our perception of what they think. They are perceiving. We can never actually know. We can try and know and we can gather information from their praise and their compliments and their approval. But at the end of the day, like, they don't know who we are. They don't know our internal motivations for doing things. And we can't really know why they like something about us. Why they think that that's good and whether that's a path we want to continue to follow.

• 15:38Jemma Sbeg?

  Laid on to this, though, is the need to belong. This is a theory. It's a trick called the need to belong theory. And it basically argues that human beings, you've probably heard this explanation before. They are hardwired to seek acceptance and approval because for most of our history, to put it bluntly, you know, exclusion meant death. And that wiring is still in our brains today. It's in an area called the ventral striatum. A study from UC USC, I think, University of California or USC. I think it was USD. They found that forming social ties, which are again essential, relies specifically on two brain functions.

• 16:21Jemma Sbeg?

  Learning from positive outcomes or learning from social rewards. And tracking how much others value us through their responses, which is known as relational value. Both of these systems for literally building relationships and bonds with other humans could not operate without us being able to interpret and internalize external validation. And this makes the need to belong a powerful, albeit often unconscious force in shaping our behaviors, shaping our self-esteem, shaping our reliance, once again, on praise, on external validation. It's all coming back to it, right? This ventral striatum that we talked about, it also

• 17:05Jemma Sbeg?

  helps trigger dopamine receptors and pleasure centers in our brain when we do receive social approval. This is a very like biological reductionist way of seeing human behavior, but it essentially says that the only reason we do anything is if we are rewarded for it. And the things that are rewarded the most are the things that we continue to pursue or do more of, whether that is a drug, whether that is a type of food, whether that is a type of reaction that we get from another human. This dopamine surge creates positive feelings. It reinforces that behaviour, leading again to more validation-seeking behaviours.

• 17:49Jemma Sbeg?

  Because the more we receive it, the more we crave it. A two thousand and sixteen study published in the Journal of Psychological Sciences. Really interesting, it looked at this exact mechanism. Basically, researchers involved a sample of thirty two teenagers aged between thirteen and eighteen. And they used an FMRI scanner to look at the teenagers' brain activity whilst they looked at photographs on a computer screen. And they designed like these photos to basically be presented to kind of simulate Instagram and to make it feel like a social media feed. And they also included photos of the teens themselves and also of others.

• 18:32Jemma Sbeg?

  So when the participants saw their own photos with a high number of likes, they were told that other people in the study had really liked those photos of them. The brain regions involved in that reward circuit showed crazy spikes in activity. Interestingly too, participants were also more likely to like a photo of themselves if they saw that it had already received likes from others. So the approval others were giving them directly, this is the link to the approval and the sense of self-worth they were giving on to themselves. This combination of reward and imitation kind of suggests that the brain is not only being told

• 19:14Jemma Sbeg?

  this is a good thing to like, but also this is a good thing to do. The brain associates the specific content, the photo, the pose, the setting, with the positive feeling of social approval. Therefore, a person would be more likely to want to recreate that experience of getting that reward by taking a similar photo of themselves. And would also equally learn from the moments where a specific photo or a specific behaviour wasn't validated as a sign that it isn't accepted. And having not been accompanied by a dopamine spike, perhaps by a dopamine drop, they won't perform that behaviour anymore. So if we consider all these things together, the childhood conditioning, the evolutionary biology, the modern technology,

• 19:59Jemma Sbeg?

  it really makes sense why we fall into this trap of chasing external validation. It's quick, it's powerful, it feels remarkably good, until it doesn't. And this is where we need to explore the potential harms of being reliant on external validation, and so, so much more. And we're going to do so after this short break.

• 20:25Jemma Sbeg?

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• 22:36Jemma Sbeg?

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• 23:18Jemma Sbeg?

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• 24:43Jemma Sbeg?

  You know what I always end up thinking about when I talk about external validation? I always end up thinking about like the modern day fame cycle. You know, I think about how we treat celebrities and musicians and like, what it must feel like when they're the it thing. When they're like really scratching like the perfect creative itch that like society wants them to. When they're like behaving exactly how we want them to. How much praise and like external validation is like pumped into their veins? And then at some point, I think this happens with every single celebrity, especially female celebrities. At some point, the tide turns and they're like not the hot thing anymore. They're not new anymore.

• 25:25Jemma Sbeg?

  I think about Disney stars like Miley Cyrus, like Demi Lovato, like Lindsay Lohan and how their entire identity as children and teenagers would have been built on people telling them what to do. And them doing it and being told good job. And then like overnight that goes away for them and they're like suddenly hated. And I've been watching a lot of interviews that people have done with these people and they talk about like how cold and dark and scary those moments feel for them. Because they talk about how they were basically monkeys like trained to only respond to external validation. Whose like own internal compass was like sledgehammered to death. And so when the external validation disappeared, they literally didn't know who they were anymore.

• 26:09Jemma Sbeg?

  And obviously this is like a very, very, very slim part of society and maybe not entirely relatable. But on an individual level, like it kind of is. So many of us, especially if you were like a golden child or like a highly academic child or a child athlete or like the oldest sibling. It's the same process. It's literally the same system. You're just not like sponsored by the Disney Channel. It felt so good to be praised and used it as an example, but the tap does run dry eventually. Eventually you make a mistake. Eventually you don't win. Eventually you wanna rebel a little bit or you get tired. And if your entire belief system is built on the value other people saw in you and your behavior.

• 26:51Jemma Sbeg?

  There is a long, long drop coming afterwards. That's the exact trap we're talking about. External validation feels incredible on the moment. It convinces you to trust in it, but the more you do, the more fragile your sense of self becomes. If you only live for the nod of approval, if you only live for other people telling you, you did a good job. You are a good human, you're a nice person, you're an attractive person. Pretty soon, your identity becomes a performance and you morph into the kind of person, a kind of person who was like a human chameleon, constantly scanning the environment and thinking, who do I need to be today so that they will like me? And the cost of this is really, really high.

• 27:36Jemma Sbeg?

  You lose touch with your authentic sense of self, with your desires. You start making choices, not because they feel right, but because they will appear right. You might pursue a career that everyone else calls impressive, doctor, lawyer, executive, whatever it is. And then you just feel numb, you just feel awful, you have no desire to be there. You might stay in a relationship that looks picture perfect to your parents, to your friends, to whoever it is, because everyone else admires it, everyone else is saying that this looks great, it must be great. Even if behind closed doors, you know, you're really lonely and you're really restless and you're really unhappy.

• 28:19Jemma Sbeg?

  The thought of ending it, you know, it's not just that you'd be going through a breakup. It's not just that you would be leaving a career. It feels like this like huge personal failure of yours would be on display. And this is why external validation is a driver of people pleasing tendencies. Over time, your own wants, your own desires, they become muffled. You cannot hear them clearly anymore because the desire to be liked or validated has been fed and fed and fed and has become this big giant monster. And the irony is you become so adaptable that you actually start to disappear

• 28:58Jemma Sbeg?

  because there is nothing that remains constant about you as you visit different social settings, as you see different people. You change your opinions depending on who you're with, you laugh at jokes you don't actually find funny. You become so flexible to the point of erasure.

• 29:17Jemma Sbeg?

  There is also this very famous series of studies that show how this can cause us to not trust ourselves and show us how it can cause us to just like do really silly things. It's probably one of the most famous series of psychological studies ever done. It's called the ASH conformity experiments. In these experiments, if you're a psychology student, I'm so sorry, we're going back to psych one O one, but I'll, I'll be brief and I'll describe them. In these experiments, the researchers put one participant in a room with a group of people who they also thought were participants. And the one participant didn't know that these other people were in on it. I think the room had like seven or maybe 10 people and they were asked to do this task. It was super simple.

• 30:01Jemma Sbeg?

  On the screen, they were shown one line and then they were shown three other lines and they were basically like link up the one line to the other line that it matches, like genuinely a task that a child could have done. And then what they would have happen is all the fake participants would say the wrong answer. Like it was glaringly incorrect. Seventy five percent of the time, the participants would just go along with it because they didn't want to experience disapproval. There's another risk here. Obviously it can cause you to say the wrong thing. It can cause you to just do things that you know aren't right and not really understand those reasons.

• 30:41Jemma Sbeg?

  A more insidious risk is that people who rely heavily on external validation become very easy targets for manipulation. You know, a boss that sees that you light up when they offer you praise can withhold it strategically. Suddenly you're working like 70 hours a week, not because you want to, but because you're desperate for that tiny hit of recognition. You know, the partner who withholds affection unless you do what they want, you know, they realize that your self-worth depends on their attention and so they can ration it to keep you insecure, giving you love one day, pulling away the next, until you're hooked. You're hooked on chasing their approval instead of really questioning like, hey, what do I actually deserve here?

• 31:25Jemma Sbeg?

  The sibling, like to give one more example, like the sibling who showers you with approval when you've served their needs and withdraws at the next again. Is operating based on the functions and the levers of external validation and how it can be pulled and shifted and moved to dictate our behavior. That is the hidden danger of maybe accidentally building your entire worth on what other people think. It doesn't just cost you your own voice, it puts power in someone else's hands. This is actually a state that has a name, it's known as contingent self-esteem. And this occurs where your self-worth is entirely dependent on external outcomes.

• 32:07Jemma Sbeg?

  Research has consistently shown that those who have higher levels of contingent self-esteem are significantly more likely to experience greater depressive symptoms. They are also more likely to report a less coherent sense of self, less confidence in their abilities as well, and this totally makes sense. Like, yes, we are built to operate within social systems and around community. And approval as part of those systems is something that we want. But you are also an individual with unique thoughts and feelings and desires and intentions, and that has to be honored as well, otherwise you will feel completely detached. And ironically, the more you do, the less people actually know you and maybe like you.

• 32:53Jemma Sbeg?

  They know like the agreeable version and the adaptable version and the one who never rocks the boat, but that's not actually you. They don't know the parts of you that maybe you feel are too vulnerable to share because it might upset them. Also, you know, intimacy requires friction sometimes, it requires disagreeing with people, it requires upsetting them, you know, because that's just human nature. Sometimes you're not always gonna get along. People do things that may hurt you, but if you're afraid of calling them out or afraid of putting them on the spot, you're never actually going to A, be able to resolve anything, or B, get to know someone deeper. Some people don't agree with me when, when I say this, but I've found this to be true from my own experience.

• 33:38Jemma Sbeg?

  You don't really know a friend.

• 33:41Jemma Sbeg?

  And you don't really have the promise of a long lasting friendship until you have survived your first disagreement or your first argument. Because it shows you can meet each other on a deeper level, you know, that you wanna understand the other person. And it shows that like you're willing to just be like, this is my opinion, this is my perspective, this is who I am. And I need you to respect that. But if you're constantly running away from that vulnerability, or you're constantly running away from uncomfortable moments because it might mean that someone may like you less. It actually does mean that your opportunities for intimacy, platonic, to do with family, romantic, they become more limited. This brings me to a concept I talk about a lot, which I love, called validation debt.

• 34:27Jemma Sbeg?

  We can think about it like this. When you finance your sense of worth through other people, you're essentially taking out loans. And at first, the interest seems super manageable. You know, a compliment here, like a bit of encouragement, a bit of engagement there, it sustains you. And you can kind of also rely on yourself a little bit as well. But over time, the debt piles up. You need bigger and bigger payments, more praise, more reassurance, just to feel stable. And when those payments don't come, you go into a deficit. That's validation debt. The more you outsource, the more you borrow, the less capable you feel of doing it yourself.

• 35:13Jemma Sbeg?

  And here's the thing about debt, debt is stressful. Emotional debt, validation debt is stressful. And so as you're facing that stress, you do actually chase reassurance even harder, which ironically actually makes you feel even less capable of holding yourself up. So how do we get our authority back? How do we get our internal validation back? Especially if it does feel like you've outsourced it for years, and I get it, I have done that. For a while myself, it's not your fault, it's not that I'm sitting here and judging you for it. I just wanna help you kind of unlock the magic and unlock the ordinary things that you do.

• 35:53Jemma Sbeg?

  And you can do to bring yourself back to having a stable internal sense of self-worth. I think the first step is really noticing the moments when you do tend to outsource your worth. Maybe, you know, you change your caption like a million times before posting a photo. Maybe like you rehearse your opinion in your head a million times before saying it out loud, just to make sure it won't be wrong. Catching yourself in these small moments of self-monitoring can be uncomfortable, but awareness in those moments is also everything. Without it, you really can't shift the pattern.

• 36:33Jemma Sbeg?

  What this allows you to do is notice the kind of things that you actually might be a little bit insecure about, which is why you feel like you need that extra boost from. If you only feel confident and satisfied with how you look when your friends compliment your outfit or your makeup, then it's likely that this is an area of deeper insecurity for you. And you can use these moments as kind of target practice, as opportunities to really understand where you need to pour more deeply into yourself. Another piece of this is really reconnecting with your values and reconnecting with the fact that you are incredibly unique and worthwhile person, whether someone else sees that or not.

• 37:15Jemma Sbeg?

  While you're busy trying to earn the validation of others, what you may not realize is that you have everything you need within you to validate your own experiences. And that there are gonna be a lot of times people won't understand why you're doing something or won't understand you or won't like you for whatever frickin' reason. And for whatever projection they've got going on and you're still gonna be okay. Spend some time just with relearning what you really care about and more importantly, what kind of person you wanna be. Really ask yourself this, really try this exercise for me.

• 37:52Jemma Sbeg?

  Imagine what kind of old person you wanna be. Not the next person you wanna be in five years, not the person you wanna be in twenty. In like forty years, like what kind of person do you want people to say that you were? What kind of person do you wanna operate as? What kind of person do you see in your life? Who you think, wow, they are really amazing. And they're unshakable. How could you make yourself more like that? And how you make yourself more like that is by prioritizing what you value as a daily act. Whether it is kindness, whether it is creativity, honesty, independence. When was the last time you did anything that was in line with these things? Your identity and your internal sense of self-worth. And yeah, your identity is a verb.

• 38:37Jemma Sbeg?

  Like you have to actually act on the things that you wanna be. You have to act on your creative instinct instead of just continuing to tell yourself that you're creative. You have to act on your generosity. You have to act on your independence. You have to act on the parts of you that you want to remain stable. So that you aren't just reliant on the kind of less nourishing forms of external validation people might incidentally give you. It might feel really weird at first, but you'll be really surprised about how much stuff you actually do for some kind of gratification from others and how little we actually do for ourselves. So when you stop engaging with those things and you start really tapping into the things that you really wanna do,

• 39:21Jemma Sbeg?

  you do start to live more authentically and a lot of stuff follows in and flows in from that. It's like you've opened up the doors to just feel a deep sense of like confidence and love for yourself. The next step, speaking of self-love, is to practice self-recognition. This can sound a little bit corny, but it's powerful. Every time you do something that you're proud of, whether it is completing a project at work, setting a healthy boundary, committing to a goal, um, taking a pause and like resisting the urge to just do something, making something creative, doing something creative. Instead of just being like, cool. I'm gonna tell someone about that, or I'm just gonna move on from that. Really notice how you feel in yourself.

• 40:04Jemma Sbeg?

  Bask in that feeling for a little while, that feeling of pride. It's okay to feel proud of what you have done. It's not arrogant. Reflect on it, cherish it, bury it deep inside of you. Like, even if it's just for a minute, reinforce this idea through this act that your own self-evaluation matters and that you are able to pour into yourself and acknowledge yourself as much as anyone else is able to. Part of this is also about tolerating discomfort. When you start to rely less on external validation, there will be moments that feel completely unbearable. I'm not gonna like sugarcoat it. There will be moments where people will respond negatively to the fact that you don't need them to validate you anymore. And it's gonna feel really awful.

• 40:50Jemma Sbeg?

  There will be moments when you want someone to reassure you and they won't. And that gap can feel like rejection. But if you can just sit in it, breathe through it, and just notice that you are okay after it has happened, notice how you survive those moments, notice how, yeah, someone not liking you is uncomfortable, it doesn't mean the end of the world. You are strengthening, once again, that internal muscle. And of course, there will always be those moments, no matter how hard you try, where someone will not like you, where someone will disagree with you. I always say this, like, every single person has a hater.

• 41:35Jemma Sbeg?

  Even the most brilliant, magnificent person that you know, who you think no one could hate, no one could disagree with, they have a hater. And how much time would they waste? How much time would you waste if you just only could think about how you could change their mind? And never thought about how you could change yours in terms of valuing their opinion? So here are some reminders, some final reminders to carry with you in these situations. First, remember that being liked is not the same as being loved.

• 42:14Jemma Sbeg?

  I spent a lot of time in my early twenties desperately like changing myself, switching things up, hiding parts about myself so that people and especially guys like would like me, would wanna date me, um, would find that I was conveniently able to slot into their life. Did they love me? No. Did they respect me? Probably not either. Being liked, it often feels like you are like smoothing out a rough edge so that it doesn't, you know, clip someone on the way past. It feels like you're adapting, fitting in. It feels like you are doing other people the favor and it feels like you are winning love. You're, you're not.

• 43:00Jemma Sbeg?

  Being loved, being truly loved means someone seeing those rough edges and staying anyways and liking those quirks. It also means not asking for someone else to change just so that it's easier for you to fit them into your life. Ask yourself, am I chasing likability at the expense of authenticity?

• 43:23Jemma Sbeg?

  Second, the second reminder, every time you perform for approval, you lose a little bit of intimacy with yourself. And you know what? I'm not talking about like wearing makeup and I'm not talking about putting a little bit of extra effort into, you know, your appearance and I'm not talking about asking for a compliment from your boss. What I'm talking about here is that emotional debt we mentioned earlier. That emotional debt whereby you choose something that is less comfortable for you

• 43:56Jemma Sbeg?

  so that you can gain something from someone else. By changing yourself, again, it's not love. And it's also, like, I always imagine like my inner child sitting there and like, loving my outfit, loving what I'm wearing and me being like, no, wrong choice. We're gonna do what Todd wants me to wear. We're gonna choose an action, we're gonna make a decision based off like some anonymous, inanimate, cumulative force of other people's opinions. Your opinion doesn't matter as much to me. When you override your real thoughts and feelings just to fit in, you are telling yourself that your opinion and your truth isn't valid unless someone else approves of it.

• 44:38Jemma Sbeg?

  And we know how dangerous of a message that is to internalize because you end up being someone who can be easily swayed, easily manipulated and easily cruel and mean to yourself. Third, and this is similar to what I was talking about before, but I just wanna give it its own space in this episode.

• 45:00Jemma Sbeg?

  You actually can't control other people's opinions. Even if you think that you dictating your actions and dictating your behaviors is, you can twist yourself into knots to appear perfect and someone still won't like you. You can be perfect for one person and someone else will hate you for it. Not because you did anything wrong, but because people carry their own preferences. People carry their own projections, their own insecurities. You know, you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there's still gonna be someone who doesn't like peaches. Right? The relief is in realizing that that's okay. And their opinion is like literally none of your business.

• 45:41Jemma Sbeg?

  The same way that your opinion of them, none of their business either. As much as we want social approval, we can live without the social approval of people who we need to bend over backwards to obtain. There are plenty of people in the world who will give you what you need without you needing to change. And even if those people never show up, you always have yourself.

• 46:06Jemma Sbeg?

  Lastly, a really simple mantra that you might wanna keep close if any of today's conversation has resonated with you is that I wanna be chosen for who I am, not for the version of me that performs best for approval.

• 46:22Jemma Sbeg?

  You, at the end of the day, have a very short time on this earth. Sometimes reinforcing and reminding yourself of that existential perspective, that you really don't have much time, reminds you that if you don't have much time, you have even less time for the opinions of others. You have even less, less time for the opinions of others who want to tear you down, either consciously or unconsciously. If this is all you have, this experience, your time and your energy is precious. Please do not waste it on someone else. They've got the time for themselves, you've got the time for yourself.

• 47:04Jemma Sbeg?

  Make sure that you are using it sparingly and in an important manner. Again, we are social beings. It's not that getting social approval or being loved or heard or seen or complimented is a bad thing. These things are deeply nourishing. It's just that these are the decorations. These are the decorations, like, in the house. These are the decorations that come secondary. You've got to build the foundation, you've got to have a roof, you've got to have walls, you've got to have plumbing, you've got to feel stable and tall in yourself before asking other people to decorate your internal home for you. At the end of the day, the strongest and most consistent kind of validation is the

• 47:48Jemma Sbeg?

  one that is steadily within you. Please do not forget it. Please do not forget to cherish it. Don't forget that, like, you're a fricking badass and that you're really fricking cool and that you're an amazing, intelligent and kind person. And all of that would still be the case if every single person in your life was replaced with a whole other group of people tomorrow. There is something within you that no one else can have, no one else can change, no one else is entitled to, and which will exist regardless of approval or not. Make sure that your relationship with what makes you you remains strong in the face of all of that.

• 48:29Jemma Sbeg?

  Thank you for listening as far as you have. If you've made it to the end of the episode, I really, really appreciate it. Leave some suggestions down below with what makes you confident and what makes you, I guess, able to fight off the desire for constant external validation. For me, like, that's music. For me, that's like spending time with people that I love. For me as well, that's like every single morning waking up and just being like, I wanna, I just wanna be, and I wanna experience this in the way, and experience life in this day, in the way that is most profound for me. And if people

• 49:12Jemma Sbeg?

  criticize me, or if people don't understand that, like, I really don't owe them an explanation. And I think it's really having that value set, that system of like, okay, I know what I want, and I know where I'm going, and I know who I need to be. Everything else is a distraction. So what's your tip? What is your advice? Share it down below. Make sure to leave a five star review if you are listening and if you enjoyed this episode. And make sure you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeartRadio app, wherever you are tuning in from. You can also follow us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast. If you want a breakdown of this episode, if you want to give us an episode suggestion,

• 49:54Jemma Sbeg?

  or a guest suggestion, if you want just to like talk further about your thoughts on this episode, I'd love to hear from you. And until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. We will talk very, very soon.

• 50:18Jemma Sbeg?

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• 50:38Jemma Sbeg?

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• 51:21Jemma Sbeg?

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• 52:06Jemma Sbeg?

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• 52:48Jemma Sbeg?

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