Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A wife struggling to set boundaries with her mother-in-law · A woman wondering how to support her disabled ex-husband · A woman envious of her husband’s ex-wife Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I let go of resentment that I feel toward my mother-in-law?

• 0:09Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, sweet. I say this with all due respect. Your mother-in-law's a cartoon character. So, let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Your mother-in-law's bananas. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband. What in the world's going on? What's up? What is up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls from all over planet Earth about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you've got going on in your life, your kids, your mother-in-law, your friends, your workplace, whatever you've got going on in your life. I'm gonna sit with you and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show.

• 0:54Dr. John Delony?

  Reach out to johndeloney.com/ask. There's an internet forum and you can fill it out. You can write as long as you want and it'll go to Kelly and the gang. And she builds the show. And if she picks you, she'll holler back girl at you. And even though she ain't a holler back girl, she'll holler back girl at you and then we'll be ready to rock and roll. Love to have you on johndeloney.com/ask. All right, let's roll out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up?

• 1:24Speaker 00

  Hi, thank you for taking my phone call.

• 1:26Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, thanks for calling. What's up?

• 1:28Speaker 00

  Cool. So, I wanna know, how do I let go of resentment that I feel toward my mother-in-law?

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, sweet. All right, what's going on?

• 1:40Speaker 00

  Well, you know, it's like to sum her up in one word, I guess I would say she's kind of like a bully. She starts fights with family and her coworkers often. She's disrespected boundaries that my husband and I have set for our kids. She tends to ruin family events and vacations if she has tantrums. Like she'll have a tantrum if she doesn't get her way, if we don't wanna go along with exactly what she wants to do. So, you know, part of me feels like I should just... Not let it bother me. And it didn't until I had kids. Now that I have kids, I just, I feel like I can't let go of like the bad behavior because I don't want it to influence my, my children.

• 2:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So when you say she blows past you and your husband's boundaries, give me some examples.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  Um, so a couple of years ago, um, we asked my husband's family, everybody, my family too, but we asked everybody to not feed my kids like a specific thing because she was having some, some gut issues that we needed to figure out. And then it turns out my mother-in-law was feeding her that particular thing and it really upset me. And then when I talked to her about it, she like screamed at me and yelled at me and said, oh, other people feed her this stuff, which is not true. She was just trying to deflect, I guess. Um, and like we've also asked her to not buy our kids as many toys because every time we see her, she's always buying stuff for the kids. We have three kids and we live in a very small space and we don't have the room for it.

• 3:15Speaker 00

  So things like that, like they, she just for some reason wants to do what she wants to do.

• 3:22Dr. John Delony?

  What's your husband's relationship with his mother?

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Question. Good question. He, um, they, they're close, but I think the closeness is more, uh, like guilt as opposed to, I really want to spend time with my mom. She's single. She's been married multiple times. Um, and I think between him and his sister, they kind of feel like they have to be responsible for taking care of her emotionally, maybe.

• 3:53Dr. John Delony?

  What does close mean? You're, oh, let me say it this way. It sounds like you're being coy.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  I, I probably am.

• 4:01Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the relationship between your husband and his mom.

• 4:05Speaker 00

  They talk a lot.

• 4:07Dr. John Delony?

  How much?

• 4:07Speaker 00

  A lot of the, a lot of the conversation is initiated by her. They talk almost every single day. Text message, phone calls, sometimes multiple times a day. And that kind of, it shouldn't annoy me, but it annoys me only because I feel like she doesn't have any other like relate, like friendships or anything or anybody else to rely on. So she's, it seems like she's relying heavily on my husband for like, I don't know, male companionship, which sounds kind of gross, but that's what it feels like.

• 4:37Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to put something on the table. You tell me if I'm wrong.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:43Dr. John Delony?

  Your mother-in-law's bananas. And I say that in the most clinical assessed kinda way, right?

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 4:50Dr. John Delony?

  Um, she's bananas. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband. Cause your hu- husband talks to this woman every day. He eggs it on. He continues to go to her and to accept it when she comes bargaining in the house.

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:13Dr. John Delony?

  If, if, if, let me put it this way. And I, I, I'll get some pushback on this and I don't really care. If my mom was completely disregarding something that was important to my child's health, I'm gonna go directly and have that conversation. I'm not gonna be, tell my wife, well, you need to go talk to my mom. I'm not gonna do that.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  And if they do it again, or if it hap- maybe if it happens once time, I'm gonna say, hey, guys, y'all are, you have op- mom, you've opted out of a relationship with us. I'm gonna hang up the phone. I'm not gonna go. But for some reason, your husband keeps saying, we gotta go. We gotta go. We gotta keep showing up. We gotta keep taking the kids over there. Am I wrong?

• 6:01Speaker 00

  You're not wrong.

• 6:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Cause, cause you're, I mean, I say this with all due respect. Your mother-in-law's a cartoon character.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Of course, yeah.

• 6:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right? She, like, it's, it's, it's, it's so out of bounds how she treats people. She's a cartoon character. And of course, she's been through multiple marriages and of course, she struggles to keep work relationships and of course, she doesn't have any friends. She treats people really bad. She's clearly got major struggles that she's dealing with. Or that she's choosing to not deal with, right? And

• 6:34Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'd be willing to bet money that your husband and his sister have spent their entire lives propping up that madness, right?

• 6:43Speaker 00

  I'm sure of it.

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But he looked at you and said, I do. And the moment he did that, his priority became you. And then y'all made humans and his priority became them.

• 7:00Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 7:01Speaker 00

  That's right. That's, you're completely right.

• 7:03Dr. John Delony?

  He cannot hold both sides of, he can't hold all of this up.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:10Dr. John Delony?

  And so, tell me about conversations you've had with him about, "Hey, I need you to, to deal with your mom."

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Um, they, in the past, past, like a long time ago, when we first started having these conversations, it didn't really go so well.

• 7:29Dr. John Delony?

  Why not?

• 7:29Speaker 00

  Um, and I think-

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  I think it's because I'm probably the first person that's really pushed back against her. Everyone else kind of accepts the behavior as, "Well, that's just who she is and that's just what she does and..."

• 7:42Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, I'm talking about you and your husband. When you said, "Hey, this isn't okay how she treats me. This isn't okay how she treats our kids. I don't like watching another person, I don't care if it's your mom or not, treat my husband this way." What does he say?

• 7:56Speaker 00

  He has supported that and he agrees.

• 7:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  He sees it more now. It has taken him some time-

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  But he does, he sees it more now. So he has gotten better at, um, you know, sort of, uh, I guess, maintaining the boundaries, but there's still some times where, you know, he'll say, "Mom wants us to come over for dinner." And I'll say, and I'll roll my eyes and then he'll get kind of upset about that and I'll say, you know, "I just don't really want to hang out with your mom" or, and, you know, sometimes there's like a little bit of an argument there, but I think for the most part, he has done a better job of, of protecting me and the kids.

• 8:34Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll say he hasn't.

• 8:36Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  Because he still brings to you, "Hey, this rattlesnake bites us all the time." "Hey, just get bit once this week, please."

• 8:47Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:48Dr. John Delony?

  And you're like, "No." And then you act immaturely, you roll your eyes, right, and then y'all start the dance that y'all have. And I promise you, it's not just about her. Y'all do this about other stuff too, fair?

• 9:02Speaker 00

  Sometimes.

• 9:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, well, he's like, "Well, can we just..." And you're like, "Ugh."

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do go along a lot with what he wants to do.

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  I know. You know why? Because part of him is his mom, too.

• 9:15Dr. John Delony?

  And it may be more subtle, and it may be less dramatic, but y'all have recreated his childhood in your own house.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Ooh.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  And then in a weird...

• 9:22Speaker 00

  That sounds icky.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  It is, but also you've become his mom, too.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  Ugh.

• 9:29Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the thing, you can't, and I say this with all loving respect, and I do believe you've got to honor and respect your parents, but I can't, I can't participate... Does that mean, what does that mean? I'm not gonna talk bad about my mom.

• 9:44Dr. John Delony?

  And also, I will never entertain dinner over there.

• 9:48Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not going to be disrespectful to her, I'm not gonna engage in joking and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm not gonna, I'm just not gonna be that person. And my kids will never go over there.

• 10:00Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm not gonna subject my wife to any, any person who screams and yells. Any person who disrespects my kids and their health.

• 10:11Dr. John Delony?

  Any sort of crude jokes or talk, like whatever y'all want.

• 10:16Dr. John Delony?

  And then let's be honest about how this plays out in your sex life. Let's be honest how this plays out when y'all are planning vacations. Let's be honest about how this plays out when y'all two are deciding who's, where y'all gonna go to dinner.

• 10:27Dr. John Delony?

  Because I almost guarantee you there's traces of it there, too.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're right.

• 10:34Dr. John Delony?

  So I think mom has become a proxy. She's an easy target.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. You're right.

• 10:43Dr. John Delony?

  Can he, if y'all sit down and do the proverbial swipe the table clean, and you look at him and say, "I'm tired of rolling my eyes at you. I want to be your wife, not your mom.

• 10:55Dr. John Delony?

  I'm also tired of you not being my husband and defending me against this woman that continually comes after me."

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  What is, what was his response be?

• 11:06Speaker 00

  I, I think he would agree with me, but I also think that, that might not hold over time. You know, they tend to, his family, I've noticed, tends to like, they'll forget about things over time. And I'm afraid that this would be one of those things, potentially.

• 11:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, here's what it looks like. I will never go over there for dinner again.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:30Dr. John Delony?

  Please don't ask. Because when you ask, you're putting me in a position to, um, to have to hold a boundary against somebody that's supposed to be on my team.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  Our kids will never go over there again. She is psychologically unstable. She makes our kids not safe. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically. Look at me, honey, they will never go over there again.

• 11:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:58Dr. John Delony?

  Period. So, please stop asking. You know she's gonna start screaming and yelling? Yes, I absolutely do. And by the way, she does that when I'm there, anyway.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  Right.

• 12:11Dr. John Delony?

  She's, she's literally unsafe.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  And I'm afraid that she's gonna start doing that to my children.

• 12:21Dr. John Delony?

  A hundred percent, she already is.

• 12:23Speaker 00

  I know.

• 12:25Dr. John Delony?

  She already is. And, like all little kids, they think it's their fault, and they start trying to solve it. And that's not their job. And, can we be honest? Dude, grandmothers are supposed to be the greatest, the greatest, um, source of endless joy and safety and laughter and love. And in your case, you don't have that. Your grandkids won't, I mean, your kids don't have that.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's disappointing.

• 12:54Dr. John Delony?

  I hate, it's heartbreaking. I hate it for them.

• 13:00Dr. John Delony?

  But I think, here's what I want you to do. I want you to back up for a second. And let's just put mother-in-law aside. She's a cartoon. I know she's a real person and it hurts real people. I get that. But let's just move her to the side. Let's be really honest. I want you to write this stuff down about your own marriage. Here's our dynamic, honey, when it comes to eating out. Here's our, when it comes to how we save money or spend money with our sex life with... I don't like this dynamic. We're recreating this. And maybe we're not recreating it with screaming and yelling and histrionic madness. Maybe we're not doing that, but we're recreating it in this way. And I don't want to do that. And then here's the most important part, Nicole.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I do want this to look like and here's what I want this to feel like. I want my home to be a place of, I want my husband to be someone I highly respect and who will get between danger and me and the kids. Even if that's his mom. I want a husband who will spend as much time on me and our kids and lifting us up as he does trying to run around and prop his mother up. And here's what I'm contributing, because I know you're not, I mean, you've got skin in this too, right? I'm gonna, I'm gonna stop rolling my eyes at my husband. I'm gonna stop being mad at you all the time and blaming your mom for it. We've got some real challenges in our marriage and I want to get to the bottom of it. But let's start there.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  Let's start there. And then we'll make some very real, true, hard boundaries with another adult in your life that is psychologically unstable and that's making people unsafe. Very clear boundaries. I will not ever, period. Please do not ask again. And then we'll go from there. Thanks for the call, sister. Man, having a great mother-in-law is the best and having a challenging, awful mother-in-law is a nightmare. So I know you're navigating this. I know millions of other people are navigating this. Thank you so, so much for, for the call. All right. Sit tight. When we come back, a woman finally gets the courage to leave her husband and then something happens. We'll be right back.

• 15:15Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:39Dr. John Delony?

  All right, team. Cutting corners with our physical fitness won't cut it anymore. Whenever I try to just wing my workouts, when I don't have any plans or any specific goals, I end up skipping workouts. I make a lot of excuses. I just cut my workout short and I really don't get anywhere with my workouts or my overall physical health. And I hear from you a lot and y'all work the same way. If we all want real progress towards our fitness goals, we need a real plan and we need someone to walk alongside us. Trainwell's got just the plan for everyone. Trainwell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds. To get started, you just answer

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• 18:08Dr. John Delony?

  Go to trainwell.net/doloney right now. That's train, T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net/doloney.

• 18:18Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. We get thirty million views a month coming in and out of the show. If just a fraction of you guys would just hit the subscribe button, it would be red. So please hit the subscribe button, hit the like and the five-star review-y thing, or whatever. Let the overlords know, the tech guys, the tech bros, that you dig this show. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Heather. What's up, Heather?

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 18:50Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great, sister. How are you?

• 18:52Speaker 00

  I'm great. Thank you so much for taking my call.

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. So what's up?

• 18:56Speaker 00

  All right, I'm just gonna jump right in and then we'll go backward as needed.

• 19:00Dr. John Delony?

  Cannonball, let's do it.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  Woo-hoo, here we go. Um, how do I balance staying close to my ex-husband, who still needs support, while not sacrificing my own chance at dating?

• 19:14Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  Hmm, yeah.

• 19:16Dr. John Delony?

  All right, tell me more.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  Okay, so in 2020, my now ex-husband and I were heading toward a very amicable divorce. The only thing we were waiting for was our tenant's lease to expire and then he would move into a home that we own. And then he had a stroke.

• 19:34Dr. John Delony?

  Your husband did? Or your ex?

• 19:36Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 19:37Dr. John Delony?

  What was the, what was the nature of the stroke? Is it debilitating?

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Um, for the most part, yeah. Um, it's still to this day, the doctors still look at that MRI and have no idea how he survived it.

• 19:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  Um, so I stayed...

• 19:52Speaker 02

  And because obviously I would never leave somebody like that. Um, and rehabbed him, you know, did all the rehabs, therapies, you name it, we did it. And he made a great turnaround. Um. And so we did after two and a half years of the rehab and everything, we did end up getting the divorce. He did end up moving into our home that we own, which is seven doors down from me. Um, but I still go to every doctor appointment. I ask him to still come to the lake with our family because I can't imagine not doing that for somebody. Um, his supports, his three best friends live in three different states. His family lives in another state.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  I'm basically all that he has. And the thought of him sitting home alone while I'm still doing my family stuff breaks my heart. However, my friends are telling me, you know, you're never going to date if you remain this close to him.

• 20:51Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you never really got divorced.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  True.

• 20:55Dr. John Delony?

  You signed the papers.

• 20:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  But you still love and care about this guy. You're, you're, you're almost like 50% wife and 50% mother. So let me ask you this. What do you?

• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  What, what, what does this relationship bring you?

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Um.

• 21:15Dr. John Delony?

  What are you, what are you getting from this relationship?

• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

  Cause it's easy to, to say, I have to do this because, because of him, him, him, him, him. And the way you painted the picture, he is making some astonishing choices.

• 21:32Dr. John Delony?

  He's choosing to not move and be around his family. He's choosing to not be around some of his closest buddies on the planet. He's choosing to live in a house that's, I'm assuming your name is still on the deed of that house?

• 21:44Speaker 02

  Um, after the divorce things, everything got squared around to that, but yeah.

• 21:48Dr. John Delony?

  But whose house is it?

• 21:50Speaker 02

  It's his now.

• 21:51Dr. John Delony?

  So you gave it to him free and clear?

• 21:54Speaker 02

  And I kept the one I'm in free and clear. Yeah.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So you gave him a home, seven doors down. And so all, all these things are choices.

• 22:04Dr. John Delony?

  And so that he's making. And so let me ask you, what are you getting from this? And there's not a wrong answer. I just want you to consider and be honest about, okay, here's what I'm getting from this relationship.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  That's a great question. Um, I think for me, it might almost be some projection. Like, I remember being, you know, the little kid that nobody invited when they had plans. Or even in college, when there was a party and I didn't get invited, and how bad that hurt.

• 22:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  And I would never want somebody to feel that.

• 22:36Dr. John Delony?

  I get that. But it sounds like you still love this guy. Why'd y'all get divorced?

• 22:40Speaker 02

  Um, so, a hundred percent, lack of intimacy. I mean, I cried, begged, pleaded, couple therapy, individual therapy, you name it, I tried it, and it just, it wasn't there.

• 22:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, y'all weren't sleeping together?

• 22:57Speaker 02

  No, it had been two years at that point.

• 23:01Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, okay.

• 23:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, very lonely.

• 23:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Yet you've kept up a sexless marriage.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  Right?

• 23:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's a, he's a great person, he's just not my person, but I, I have a lot of love for him. He was a great, uh, he's the only guy that I've ever been married to, and because he was an excellent stepdad to my son, like, there's nobody more important than my son, so, he's a great stepdad, still super close to my son, um, he's a great guy.

• 23:32Dr. John Delony?

  How old's your son?

• 23:34Speaker 02

  Uh, thirty-two.

• 23:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:37Dr. John Delony?

  So, you're, when you say a great stepdad to your son, your son was twenty-seven at the time?

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 23:44Dr. John Delony?

  So he was a buddy to your son?

• 23:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 23:48Dr. John Delony?

  Like, just an adult male friend?

• 23:50Speaker 02

  Yes, but also very, um, like, cared about him, wanted to go down and see McCollitt, you know, really genuinely cared about him, which was huge for me.

• 23:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I would, I would suggest that the greatest thing a stepparent can do for stepkids, and I don't know if he would qualify as a stepkid at twenty-eight, but I'll just, just go with it, um, would be to really treat his mother well.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  I hear that a lot, they're like, man, he's really a great dad to my kids, we just don't like each other anymore, and it's like, no, no, no, no. Being a really great dad is figuring out that part, right? But here we are. I, I guess here's the thing, I think your friends are right.

• 24:33Dr. John Delony?

  You are still loving and caring and inviting and hanging out with and neighboring with your husband, your ex-husband.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so it will be very strange for somebody else to enter into that, uh, to be a third wheel into that relationship.

• 24:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:55Dr. John Delony?

  And I guess the question I was, do you want to date again?

• 24:58Speaker 02

  Um, honestly, right now, I'm really enjoying being, being single. So.

• 25:04Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean? The thought of dating. Are you going to the club? Like, what does that mean?

• 25:07Speaker 02

  At 50? No, no, I just, um, I enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend, you know, doing a lunch and just, um.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  Why can't you do that while you're dating or married?

• 25:18Speaker 02

  I can, I, you know, working, I'm putting me first for a change because there for a couple of years, I definitely did not, you know, obviously his health had to come first, which is fine. Um, but I'm definitely enjoying putting myself first for a change. Um, so the thought, right now, honestly, the thought of dating is just not me.

• 25:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I guess this is something to not think about, but I would consider you being honest with yourself about, from, from the outside, you're still, you're still married, you just live seven houses down.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  Or let me, let me put it this way. You are playing all sides of the fence. It's like there's a four houses that back up to each other and there's four different backyards and all their fences make like a, like an X, right? Like make a cross at some point all, and you have one arm in one backyard, one arm in the other backyard, one leg and one leg, and you're just straddling this fence.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:15Dr. John Delony?

  You're kind of his wife. You are kind of on the market. You're kind of married and you're kind of not. And so you've got a whole bunch of different boats in the water, but you don't have both feet in any of them.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:33Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I'm promising you is gonna happen. You're gonna wake up and be 60.

• 26:40Dr. John Delony?

  And be frightfully alone. Cause you never went all in on anything.

• 26:47Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:48Dr. John Delony?

  Or no, let's let me take that back. You did go all in and you got hurt.

• 26:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:56Dr. John Delony?

  And you sound like a pretty amazing person.

• 26:58Speaker 02

  Thank you. Thank you. I try to be.

• 27:00Dr. John Delony?

  And an incredibly codependent person too.

• 27:06Dr. John Delony?

  So I guess my challenge to you would be really being honest with yourself. I guess I reject the notion that you can't date or be married.

• 27:17Dr. John Delony?

  Or the alternative is I'm good. I get to focus all on me.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 27:23Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 27:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, for sure. Um.

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  I don't, I don't think those are in opposition to each other. If you're in a marriage like, like where you are constantly being berated, you're underneath everything, every, everyone else's needs come before you and yours to doormat. Yes, I get that sense.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Right. I, I think honestly, right now, it's just, there was so much caretaking for those two and a half years that it just, it just feels good to just, ooh, okay.

• 27:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but you're still caretaking.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  True, true.

• 27:52Dr. John Delony?

  What does it look like to have a hard conversation where you all sit down and say, okay,

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna begin dating. Or I'm gonna begin running my own life. And you're gonna have to make some decisions about long-term care, your long-term health, friends and community, family.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, that, um. The first thing that comes to my, my mind is just, it's gonna break his heart to not have his best friend there to help him be me.

• 28:28Dr. John Delony?

  Do you still wanna be helping him in that way?

• 28:31Speaker 02

  Um. Yes and no.

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, hold on. You've been people pleasing your whole life. Tell me the truth.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 28:41Dr. John Delony?

  Are you done?

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Hundred percent.

• 28:42Dr. John Delony?

  Or do you love it?

• 28:44Speaker 02

  Uh, I don't love it, but you're right. I have definitely been people pleasing the whole life.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  Cause if he's a chore.

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  If he is a or if he's a courtesy invite

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  because you felt bad when you were a kid and you don't want somebody else to feel bad?

• 29:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:05Dr. John Delony?

  Let me just be honest with you, he feels that. He knows he's, he's an add-on.

• 29:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:12Dr. John Delony?

  And it's cruel, to be honest with you, because in some way you're using him so that your young childhood, so your like inner child doesn't feel bad.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:20Dr. John Delony?

  And that's not fair to him.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  No, that's very valid. I never thought about it like that. That's, that's true.

• 29:26Dr. John Delony?

  And if you got divorced, if you went through a painful divorce because being 47, 46 and wondering what is so undesirable about me that my husband won't sleep with me? That's painful, right?

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Ah, that was miserable.

• 29:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And you really put yourself out there and got atomic, extra super vulnerable and you felt rejected and rebuffed. And, and he might have had all sorts of other challenges. I'm not, I'm not trying to berate him. I'm just, like, your experience is really tough.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so if, even after all that, you're like, dude, I still love this guy. I still, he's still my best friend. I'm not going to leave my best friend high and dry. And if somebody wants to date me, then they just have to know I'm a caretaker too.

• 30:12Dr. John Delony?

  That person will be out there somewhere.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  And you just gotta make peace with it. What I don't love is you've set yourself up in a position where you will never get hurt again, but you can all, you will also never feel really great again.

• 30:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:27Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 30:28Speaker 02

  Oh, 100%.

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  Because you just don't have both feet in any one boat.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:35Dr. John Delony?

  And if it's in, both feet in, I'm a fricking caretaker. That's my best friend. He's my ex-husband. Trust me, new date person I'm dating, there is no sexual tension at all. Trust me. Right? Then great.

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  Be a great best friend and be a great caretaker. And, and forget the romance part. If my buddy Todd had a stroke and moved and I had a house seven doors down, I'd gladly let him move in there. And I'd still get to make jokes, but he would, I'd, I'd be happy to help him out. My oldest friend on planet Earth's a paraplegic. When we go out, dude, it's, it's not a chore, right? To wait longer or to sit at special places. Like, that's not a chore. That's just part of being a friend who loves somebody, right?

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 31:18Dr. John Delony?

  And if people don't want to be my friend, um, because I have a friend in a wheelchair, then good riddance. Right? So, I mean, it's, it's just not gonna be a thing. But I want you to, I've got both feet in that. I want you to have both feet in that. Or I want you to have both feet out.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:38Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a hard call for you. I know that.

• 31:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:41Dr. John Delony?

  And probably, you've probably, you've probably never had that call ever. I mean, you've probably never asked yourself that ever. And that's a tough, scary thing to do, to ask yourself, what do I really want at the age of 50? What do I want? And it's not gonna make you a bad person to take, to begin to give a fellow adult autonomy after two or three years of caretaking, of taking care of somebody, of walking alongside them, taking them all to doctor's appointments, bringing them to all your family, like getting somebody back on your feet. You've done an amazing noble thing. I just want to make sure you didn't do this noble thing, um, at his expense. For you. But we did the noble thing because it was the right thing to do.

• 32:26Dr. John Delony?

  And now we're gonna let this adult go be an adult again. And that means he's gonna have some hard choices to make. Or we're just gonna keep both feet in the boat. So I'm all Team Heather, man. But let's do these things for the right reason. And let's ask ourselves the scary, scary question. What do I actually want with the back half of my life? This is halftime for you. You're halfway home. What do you want the back half to look like? You get to decide it. But whatever you decide, put both feet in one boat. And then head out to sea. You were not meant to sit in the harbor. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, everybody, stay with me. When we come back, we're gonna talk to a woman who just can't get over her husband's past. We'll be right back.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health, or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected,

• 33:54Dr. John Delony?

  to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com/deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com/deloney for three months for free.

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Hey, we have been through three dates of tour, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey on the Money and Relationships Tour, and it has been lights out, wheels off, man, having the time of our life. We're gonna be in Phoenix on May 5th. We're gonna be in Fort Worth on May 7th. Get your boots and your hats and come out and see us. That one may be sold out, but maybe not. Go check it out. And Kansas City on May 9th. Go to ramsysolutions.com/tour and come see us live. Come hang out. All right, let's go out to Woodstock, Ontario, and talk to Romy, wherever I may roam. What's up, Romy?

• 35:10Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 35:11Dr. John Delony?

  How's it going?

• 35:13Speaker 03

  Oh, it's going. I'm a, um, first eleven listeners of your show.

• 35:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yes! Thanks for sticking with us for so long. That means the world to me.

• 35:22Speaker 03

  For sure. I love your show.

• 35:24Dr. John Delony?

  You're a saint, thank you.

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:27Dr. John Delony?

  Well, maybe you're not a saint, but I'm grateful for you having that.

• 35:30Speaker 03

  Well, I'm a great listener, but I don't know if I'm such a great participant.

• 35:33Dr. John Delony?

  I guarantee you, you will be. What's going on?

• 35:36Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, so, um, I'm gonna start by saying that jealousy is a thief of joy.

• 35:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:44Speaker 03

  And, um, well, this woman that is, um, my husband's ex-wife, she is very, um, in the center of everything. And, uh, like even still in the family that I'm married into. And I get it, we have two children together, um, which are grown now, and we're very close. Actually, the kids and I are, like, her and his adult children are still very close. Like, we're very close to each other. And so that's not a problem at all. Uh, my husband's completely like, "I'm not interested in this woman," like, you must know this. So, and I believe it, like, it's, it's me. It's me and this woman, and I don't know what on earth it is.

• 36:25Speaker 03

  Like, I'm obsessively always looking at her Facebook and see if she posts anything new, um, whether it's Instagram or whatever. And it's just, it's, it feels ridiculous on my part. And I just wanted to see if there's anything I can do to stop these intrusive thoughts of her.

• 36:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, there sure are, um...

• 36:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, and she's like always the epicenter of everything.

• 36:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, what, what does that mean? Cause she's not the epicenter of, of your, your stepkids, and she's not the epicenter... Well, I mean, she's their mom, but she's not the epicenter of your husband. She's not coming over to your house, she's not sending you messages, right? I mean, so is she just the epicenter in your mind?

• 37:08Speaker 03

  Maybe, because, you know, like, if anything happens in the family, she has to, you know, message my husband, even though he doesn't like that. Or, you know, and he doesn't really answer her, or he'll just give like a really short yes or no.

• 37:22Dr. John Delony?

  Why does that, why does that bother you? They have, they have kids together.

• 37:26Speaker 03

  I know.

• 37:27Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know. I say it bothers you. Why, not that it even bothers you, like, ugh. But, I don't know, and I get that, right? I get that.

• 37:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:37Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't, it doesn't, it's just not like a, huh. It is a, it takes over your body.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's, I don't know, John.

• 37:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, can we go down the rabbit hole?

• 37:47Speaker 03

  That's insane.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  Will you come with me?

• 37:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, please.

• 37:52Dr. John Delony?

  What are the most, um...

• 37:58Dr. John Delony?

  And this is gonna be hard, so feel free to say stop at any time, okay?

• 38:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:02Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to know you're driving, okay? What is, um...

• 38:10Dr. John Delony?

  What are the intrusive thoughts that haunt you the most?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Um, her life, her good life.

• 38:19Dr. John Delony?

  No, because you have, you have a good life, right?

• 38:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, but we work hard every day and, you know, and, and we just, not that we just make ends meet, but, you know, like, like we grinding the grind, you know, every day and...

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  What makes you think she's not?

• 38:36Speaker 03

  She goes to the Bahamas for four months in the winter and then they have this marina up north in this coveted place in Canada and, like, she just seems like she's, you know, riding the gravy train. But, I mean, you're right, I, I don't know for sure if everything is so gravy or if it just looks that way, right?

• 38:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I heard a rumor that, that everything you see on Instagram is not true. Right? And everything you see on Facebook's not true.

• 39:05Speaker 03

  Right, right. Yeah, it's true.

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  I...

• 39:10Dr. John Delony?

  Do you ever have intrusive thoughts of your husband and her together?

• 39:14Speaker 03

  Never.

• 39:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  No.

• 39:16Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have intrusive thoughts of them meeting the first time?

• 39:22Dr. John Delony?

  I heard one woman say this and I thought it was very, it was very savvy. Or let me just put it this way, my daughter, when she was like five or six, was crying one night. And my wife was like, why are you crying? And she said, Hank, our older son, will always have had more time with you. And I was, it was, it was an age appropriate thing to be jealous about, right? A five year olds very, or four, five or six year olds, very self-centered, right? The world revolves around them at that age. But it was a very clever way to say that. And I've heard a grown woman say that too. That my husband's longtime college girlfriend, I'll never, she knows him at a time that I didn't get to know him. Or she'll always have 10 years on me, right? Does that drive you crazy?

• 40:08Speaker 03

  Um, maybe that could be, John, that's a good, uh.

• 40:13Dr. John Delony?

  Oh God, I don't want to put more things in your head. You're like, I hadn't thought to worry about that one. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it because, because here's the deal. If none of that happens, because I hear, I'm just going through common things that I hear. I love my new husband and I just have flashes of him on his honeymoon. What I imagine his honeymoon with his ex is like, right?

• 40:35Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 40:37Dr. John Delony?

  Because I know he's told somebody else that he loves them too. Or he has rolled over after a wild sex with somebody else too. Like, I hear that.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:46Dr. John Delony?

  And then I also hear the, I am jealous that there was these long conversations at a diner about what our future like house was gonna look like one day. And I don't like the fact that my husband, even though he loves me, he would never cheat on me. He's like perfectly together, we're together, we're building our own thing. We've been together for a decade. I just hate the fact that he had that conversation with somebody else too one time. Like, I hear those things, but I'm not hearing you say that.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  No.

• 41:12Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you, okay, so let's get to the layer beneath the layer. You've created a fictional character out of his wife.

• 41:20Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:21Dr. John Delony?

  That person is not real. So let me ask you, what is this fictional character?

• 41:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right, so like, think of Superman, think of comic book characters. The reason we love those characters, because they can do things we can't.

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  Superman can fly across the world and so fast, he can back up time to save his girlfriend. He can pick up a car, right? Flash can run real fast, right? They can do these things that we can't do, and so it's intriguing to be like, man, if I could do that, I would fill in the blank.

• 41:55Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:55Dr. John Delony?

  So you've created this fictional character, she just happens to have a real name and a real face.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  What is she doing that is reflecting the life that you live, that you feel dead in your own skin? Inside your own life?

• 42:10Speaker 03

  That's perfect, you know, going away for four months, because I'm like, I love the south and I love the beach.

• 42:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:18Speaker 03

  And it's like, ah, you know, she's going there for four months, I can't even go there for a week.

• 42:23Dr. John Delony?

  Why, why, why, why do you have a life that you've co-created with your husband, you all can't go to the beach for one week?

• 42:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:30Dr. John Delony?

  Why?

• 42:31Speaker 03

  I know, we've had a few knocks also in our life, but you know.

• 42:35Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, no, don't circle the question, just go right through it. How come? Why do y'all have a life that y'all have co-created, where you can't even get away for a week at the beach?

• 42:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, um.

• 42:48Dr. John Delony?

  Is it finances? Is it just too expensive?

• 42:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I would say that's mostly it, financial obligations.

• 42:57Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about some of these obligations.

• 42:59Speaker 03

  We've got a house and mortgage and, um, we have this line of credit we've got to pay down, which is, you know, which takes precedent, right? Over anything else.

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  What is the line of credit for?

• 43:15Speaker 03

  Um, I inherited some money from my mom when she passed a couple of years ago, but she got married again and unbeknownst to us and my mom, her husband, um, had claim to this money, which we have already, um, used up on our house renovations and things like that. So, and then they went to court and we were on the hook for everything to take, to pay this man back.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  Is your mother still married to him?

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, but she left him. She left him to be with me and to take care of her until she dies. She wasn't happy.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  Well, no, because he's a horrible human being.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:02Dr. John Delony?

  But did your mom sit by him in court while they sued you?

• 44:07Speaker 03

  No, she was already passed at that point.

• 44:10Dr. John Delony?

  Your mom had already passed away?

• 44:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:13Dr. John Delony?

  So, let me get this right. Your mother, her husband passes away.

• 44:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, no, she passed away.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, my mom passed away.

• 44:23Dr. John Delony?

  She left you some money in the will.

• 44:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:27Dr. John Delony?

  But her husband, who's not your father, claimed it.

• 44:31Speaker 03

  Right. Yeah.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so you get a check from her estate. Y'all spend that money. This ex sues you and said she didn't have the right to will you that money.

• 44:44Speaker 03

  Right.

• 44:44Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to pay it back?

• 44:46Speaker 03

  Yeah. And Canada law was like, yeah, he has a claim to it, so.

• 44:51Dr. John Delony?

  To all of it?

• 44:52Speaker 03

  And, oh, yeah, um, it was, uh, eighty percent. But I had to pay all these lawyer fees too, so we were like really not in good shape.

• 45:03Dr. John Delony?

  That's wild.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. So that really set us back.

• 45:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 45:09Speaker 03

  Kind of threw my husband in a whirlwind of, you know.

• 45:13Dr. John Delony?

  How much money was it?

• 45:15Speaker 03

  It was, um, altogether a hundred and twenty thousand.

• 45:19Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. I'm sorry that happened.

• 45:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:23Dr. John Delony?

  What a mess.

• 45:24Speaker 03

  I know. It's, it's.

• 45:26Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and I, and I say this guy is a horrible guy. To be honest with you, it sounds like your mom set you guys up to fail.

• 45:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:34Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know that.

• 45:34Speaker 03

  I mean, we should have been more proactive and revisited the will after she married this person, right? But we thought that because she made it out to solely me, it's like, okay, it's ironclad, stamp on it, everything's good. So, you know, it was ignorance on our part, really.

• 45:56Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So I won't cast judgment on him or anybody. We'll just say this is just one of those situations that just stinks. It is what it is, what it is.

• 46:02Speaker 03

  Right. Right.

• 46:04Dr. John Delony?

  So what do y'all do for a living?

• 46:06Speaker 03

  Well, I'm a over the road driver and so is my husband, so we don't see each other all week.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Um, so we drive, drive.

• 46:15Dr. John Delony?

  What, um, is this a life you like living?

• 46:19Speaker 03

  Um, you know, I used to love it. I'm starting to kind of feel maybe not as happy about it. And maybe that is part of the part that doing this whole thing with this woman, the ex.

• 46:34Dr. John Delony?

  I, I.

• 46:35Speaker 03

  She has that great life and I'm sitting here.

• 46:38Dr. John Delony?

  Let me just say, she doesn't.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  She's got some cool things that she gets to do because she's got resources. Maybe she remarried well or she's got family money or whatever.

• 46:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  But I promise you, she's got problems too. She gets hemorrhoids too. She gets real bad gas too.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:57Dr. John Delony?

  Right? I mean, like, so, like, she, she's got her life also.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to consider.

• 47:05Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:06Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 47:08Speaker 03

  I'm fifty-eight.

• 47:09Dr. John Delony?

  Fifty-eight.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You're getting to the end of the third quarter.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:16Dr. John Delony?

  Of your life, right?

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:18Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe you're midway through the third quarter. We'll be generous.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  I want you and your husband to sit down and ask yourselves for the last quarter and a half of our life.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:31Dr. John Delony?

  What do we want this thing to look like?

• 47:33Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:35Dr. John Delony?

  And let's be really honest about it. And by the way, I live in Nashville, Tennessee, where tons of people come here to be songwriters and drummers and guitarists and bass players, and they're amazing. And then life changes. And there's always a challenge because they say, like, I used to really love this life. I just don't love it anymore. And they almost feel ungrateful because it finally happens, right? They finally make it, quote unquote, and then they have the third kid. And they're like, I really just want to be with my kids. I don't want to go on the road, right? And it feels this tension. Can I just tell you? You got permission to do whatever it is you want to do.

• 48:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  And you're allowed to exhale and say, hey.

• 48:13Dr. John Delony?

  I've only got so many more summers to go to the beach. That's gonna be part of our life now.

• 48:17Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 48:18Dr. John Delony?

  But that means it's not, you can't YOLO, right? You can't just be a goofball about it. That means you got math. And so maybe we're gonna sell our house and move to a smaller house.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:29Dr. John Delony?

  I'd rather go to the, I'd rather go to the beach and live a fun, exciting, like have a little bit more life in my skin than work as a slave to a mortgage company.

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Right, exactly.

• 48:42Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe this one, this one terrible debt, let's just work like crazy. Hey, husband, we're gonna go nuts for one calendar year and get this thing paid off. We're gonna work every single day, every weekend, we're gonna take extra jobs, we're gonna work on the side, we're gonna like take extra, like we're gonna just work bananas, B A N A N A S.

• 49:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:02Dr. John Delony?

  And then for my 59th birthday, I wanna not owe this debt anymore.

• 49:06Speaker 03

  Right. Yeah, I know. And that's, that's a great plan. And I said to my husband, let's just downsize. You know, we don't need this big house. Like we, I know we have four kids between the two of us.

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  But they're grown, right?

• 49:19Speaker 03

  They're adults. Yeah, they're adults. They come over for, you know, weekend.

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 49:24Speaker 03

  But we don't, we don't need all that room. Like we can make do with something smaller.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  How much equity do you have in your house?

• 49:31Speaker 03

  Uh, you mean like if, if we sold it?

• 49:34Dr. John Delony?

  If you sold it, how much, what kind of, how big of a check would they write you?

• 49:39Speaker 03

  Probably about 500,000.

• 49:41Dr. John Delony?

  My gosh.

• 49:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:44Dr. John Delony?

  Can we just exhale for a second? If you sold that and bought a condo for 350 grand.

• 49:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:50Dr. John Delony?

  For 400 grand, 300, let's say 350 grand after fees.

• 49:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  That's not gonna be a super nice condo in Ontario, I know that.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  But it will be, it will be yours. No one can take it.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  And then you write a check to this guy and he's off your back forever.

• 50:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:07Dr. John Delony?

  And then y'all look at each other and say, what do we want to do now? Cause we can do anything.

• 50:12Speaker 03

  Right, exactly. But I would, you know, jump on that, John, I would.

• 50:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But here's where most people go sideways.

• 50:21Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 50:22Dr. John Delony?

  They go to their significant other, they go to their romantic partner and they start piecemealing it together. Um, issue by issue. I want to sell the house. I want to downsize. I want a different car. I want to stop driving this car. I want to sell this car. I want to get this loan paid off. And here, it, it sounds like somebody's nagging him to death.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  Hmm, right.

• 50:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's different than, hey, we have a quarter and a half of our life left.

• 50:50Dr. John Delony?

  I want to go wheels off and here's what's going to have to happen for that to take, to take place. And if you look at your husband and say, I want to have peace in this home so I can love you recklessly and insane until I die.

• 51:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:04Dr. John Delony?

  I gotta get out of this truck.

• 51:06Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 51:07Dr. John Delony?

  I don't need to be driving on these icy roads at 59 years old.

• 51:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  I don't need to be changing a tire in the middle of winter at 59 years old.

• 51:18Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 51:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:21Dr. John Delony?

  Husband, let's sell this house. Let's buy a condo, not even a super nice one, just one that's going to be great. The kids will be fine.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:29Dr. John Delony?

  Let's pay this guy off. Let's owe nobody anything and then we can decide what kind of job we want to have.

• 51:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:36Dr. John Delony?

  And now you're solving for freedom. And then you know what? Who cares about this fictional character?

• 51:42Speaker 03

  Right, exactly.

• 51:45Dr. John Delony?

  All right, and I want to build in a couple of other, um, boundaries for you, okay?

• 51:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:52Dr. John Delony?

  Right after you get off this call. Okay, you've been with me for a long time. You've been with me since the very beginning, right?

• 51:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 51:59Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 52:00Speaker 03

  A hundred percent.

• 52:00Dr. John Delony?

  Say, I promise I'm going to do what you, what you ask.

• 52:04Speaker 03

  I promise I'm going to do what you ask.

• 52:05Dr. John Delony?

  Just for 30 days.

• 52:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  As soon as we get off this, I want you to block her on Facebook. I want you to block her on social media.

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 52:14Dr. John Delony?

  So you can't, you can't see her. You can't go.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to tell your husband, hey, I've blocked her from everything. I don't want, I'm not gonna go look at what she's doing. I'm not gonna see what she's doing. I'm not gonna Google her, anything. If she reaches out to you for a family issue, um, unless something's happening to our kids and I need to know, I don't wanna know about it. I don't need to know.

• 52:33Speaker 03

  Right. Okay.

• 52:35Dr. John Delony?

  What I'm choosing to do, I'm not choosing to not be jealous of her. I'm choosing to be fully alive in my own body, in my own marriage, in my own house.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna start, stop outsourcing that to Marvel character that I've created.

• 52:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:52Dr. John Delony?

  That just happens to look a lot like your ex-wife.

• 52:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:55Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 52:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, I love that.

• 52:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:00Dr. John Delony?

  And keep your promise to yourself for 30 days. I'm not, I don't, I could careless what she's doing. I'm gonna spend that energy building the life that I wanna live.

• 53:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 53:09Dr. John Delony?

  So maybe you're going through and looking at condos.

• 53:12Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:12Dr. John Delony?

  You're going through and interviewing real estate agents.

• 53:16Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:16Dr. John Delony?

  You and your husband are trying to figure out how, I know Canada takes 95% of your paycheck for taxes, but what kinda job could we do that's not driving that I could get into right now? Right? What does that world look like? Let's begin spending our energy on living. We're not gonna outsource it to some fictional fantasy character that we've created. We're gonna start living our life. And there's some reality to it. We gotta pay these debts off. We're gonna sell the house. It's been fun. It's been great. We raised our kids and now we're gonna go to something that we can manage for the last 25 or 30 or 40 years of our life, we can manage, um, cuz we wanna spend more time on the road seeing our grandkids. We wanna take all that driving experience and drive all the way to Gulf shores in Alabama

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  and go to the beach. Just a good old fashioned American beach. We're gonna go all the way down. Or you can go to Lake Michigan or whatever. But we're gonna start living the life that we wanna live. Thank you so much for the call, Romy. Really grateful for you. We'll be right back.

• 54:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let me tell you about Cozy Earth and their amazing buy one, get one free offer that they created just for you. But first, let's talk about your mom. I know, I know, we're not supposed to talk about each other's moms. But when you think of mom, what comes to mind? Patience, resilience, love, showing up every day? I know for some of you, thinking about your mom can bring up tough memories and really tough challenges. But for most of us, thinking of the moms in our lives is reason for deep gratitude. For me, I think about my mom who taught me so much, and she gave me life for crying out loud. And I think about my wife and how she's an incredible mom to our kids, how she sacrifices for our family, she loves us, and she works tirelessly, day in and day out.

• 55:03Dr. John Delony?

  She's the best mom I know. So whether you're celebrating a mom, remembering one, honoring one, wanting to be one, or just navigating motherhood in an unexpected way, let's all agree, moms out there deserve the best. They deserve Cozy Earth. From Cozy Earth's temperature-regulating bedding to their ultra-soft pajamas, Cozy Earth creates comfort that feels like peace. And God knows, most of our moms need a little more peace. Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas are the perfect way to wrap her, or any other special person in your life, and even yourself, in comfort and care. And to celebrate moms everywhere this weekend only, May 2nd through May 4th, Cozy Earth

• 55:46Dr. John Delony?

  is offering you a special promo: 40% off with code DELONY and buy one, get one free bamboo pajamas. Come on, y'all. Use code DELONYBOGO, D-E-L-O-N-Y-B-O-G-O, to take advantage of this at cozylearth.com. That's cozy, C-O-Z-Y, cozylearth.com in code DELONYBOGO.

• 56:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Kelly, cool shirt with lipstick kisses all over it.

• 56:18Speaker 04

  Yes, thank you.

• 56:19Dr. John Delony?

  A little provocative.

• 56:20Speaker 04

  Unlike me.

• 56:21Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I mean, that's what all your tattoos are, except they're like sequins, purple sequins, but whatever. It's cool.

• 56:27Speaker 04

  Anyway, hey, there's something over your shoulder, though, that keeps catching my eye. What is that new shiny thing?

• 56:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude, the tubes, man. They sent us our gold million subscriber plaque.

• 56:41Dr. John Delony?

  Now I can stare down my 14 year and be like, yeah, that's right. I am a YouTuber. Your old man's a YouTuber. All my dreams have come true, Kelly. This and uh, somebody stopped me in the airport and said they saw me on TikTok. And I was like, all my dreams are coming true at the same time.

• 56:57Speaker 04

  But you know who we really need to do, what we need to do is we need to thank all million of those people.

• 57:04Dr. John Delony?

  Dude.

• 57:04Speaker 04

  Because they're amazing.

• 57:05Dr. John Delony?

  All of them, all of you. Cause without you guys, I am that weird guy outside the airport just yelling, "Hey, you should fix your marriage. Hey, that's not really what ADHD is." And then I would, they would pick me up and they'd put me in a van and make me talk to somebody. And instead, we're on the internets.

• 57:27Speaker 04

  We might ought to do that anyway.

• 57:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 57:28Speaker 04

  Just FYI.

• 57:29Dr. John Delony?

  Probably, but now I'm on the internets and we get paid for it. But dude, um, like that last caller, one of the original OG 17s, man. Some of you guys have been with us for several years now, just continuing to ride it out. I cannot tell you how grateful I am. Those of you who share the show, those of you who still write me, um, I get a stack of mail every two weeks, um, that comes through this, the building here, just handwritten letters, man. Those that come to the live events, come to the, everybody who took a second to just hit the subscribe button. It means the absolute world to me. And there is a small but growing group of people who are just deciding, um, we're gonna live differently. I'm just gonna parent differently. I'm gonna be married differently.

• 58:10Dr. John Delony?

  I am going to reject the nonsense out there and the culture that says, this is how you have to do it. Um, hey, Kelly, I went to pick up something the other day and from a guy's house and uh, his wife came in with their little one and she was like, I don't wanna be weird, but I love your show. And I was like, man, this means the world to me. Thank you so much. And she goes, "Yeah, um, you told me I was emotionally immature for yelling at my toddler." And the toddler was there and I was like, uh, I was like, oh, this is how I die, right? Just like this. But she was actually really awesome. But it was like, I had never considered like when I'm mad, like, oh yeah, this kid's too, like, it was awesome. And the fact that she took a second just to say thank you just means the world to me. But it's those little tiny things that people are slowly doing.

• 58:53Dr. John Delony?

  And then I'm, I'm getting to remind myself by saying it all the time, like, dude, I need to be a better dad and a better husband too. But it's everybody working together on this deal and it's so, so amazing. So yes, thank you, everybody. And everybody in the booth, everybody in the club getting tipsy. Thanks, everybody.

• 59:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I think we celebrate this. We all go out. The great Kate over at

• 59:16Dr. John Delony?

  my favorite tattoo shop on the planet. I think she gives us all a million tattoo. I'm in. Just one mil. That would be dope. Old English.

• 59:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right across your back, Kelly. You'd have to go over the eagle thing that you have. And the Raiders logo, which I don't know about that story, but we'll have to hear that story one day.

• 59:36Speaker 04

  That is sacrilege.

• 59:37Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I said when I saw it. Well, number one, you wearing a bathing suit to work was sacrilege, but then the Raiders tattoo in Old English was like, man, I did not see that coming. It's weird. Like the cowboy star right there, like right there below your neck that you cover up with makeup every morning. It's just weird. It's weird, but it's cool.

• 59:55Speaker 04

  That's far more likely than any Raiders tattoo.

• 59:58Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, dude. I don't know. Boys in the hood are always hard, Kelly. Always. Come talk in that. Hey, love you guys. Bye.