Cool Guys, Slick Guys, Neat Guys w/Caitlin Peluffo | Your Mom's House Ep. 876

See Caitlin on tour by going to https://www.caitlinpeluffo.com for tickets and check out her special Prosciutto Rose on YouTube SPONSORS: New DraftKings customers, sign up with code MOM spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days - includes all markets. Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for FREE with promo code YMH. https://bluechew.com Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/ymh Tom's holding down the Mommy Dome this week with comedian Caitlin Peluffo, fresh off the Funny AF finals and out on the road with a brand new hour. She explains why a comedy competition full of fifteen-year veterans hit harder than any late night set, why stand up is infinitely harder than making a movie, and how the whole thing got her out of debt. Then Tom finds out she's single and decides to fix it, spending the rest of the episode presenting her with some eligible bachelors pulled straight from the cool guy pile: a man doing bathroom talk about Pepsi, a suitor who will beat up anyone who interrupts a conversation with a laptop, a Vancouver man out of smokes, an apple pie enthusiast, a flat earther explaining how GPS works, and a devoted gentleman leaving Julia good morning voicemails. Along the way Caitlin admits she bit a wart off her own finger, Tom delivers a passionate PSA about going into credit card debt for teeth and getting your skin tags removed for the rest of us, and the two of them dissect M. Night Shyamalan's cringe YouTube launch on his sad little bench and how it's not that dissimilar from the all-time original, Garth Brooks joining Facebook. Plus: Horrible or Hilarious with an old man scooting into a pool, a lightning strike survivor apologizing on a stranger's porch, and an arm snapping in a pub. We also get a long overdue cool guy update on Tony Johns, who is making history from the Cayuga County jailhouse. Enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 876 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MYRESET. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Bet with DraftKings Sportsbook to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days OR Trade with DraftKings Predictions to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Event contract trading involves risk of loss. Predictions offer void in New York. Non-withdrawable Rewards issued as $50 click-to-claims every seven days for 21 days. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:15 - Caitlin Peluffo Killed At The Funny AF Finals 00:08:56 - Opening Clip: Why Do You Feel Better On A Friday? 00:14:46 - Go Into Debt For Teeth & A Skin Tag PSA 00:21:41 - Wild Girls: The Double Felony Hit And Run 00:27:24 - More Cool Suitors 00:31:43 - Bengals, 49ers & Josh Allen's Wholesome Smile 00:35:36 - M. Night Shyamalan Joins YouTube 00:43:47 - Horrible Or Hilarious 00:55:53 - Horse On Desk & GPS Guy 00:59:39 - Oh I'll Make Ya Come 01:01:36 - Looking For Girls 01:02:35 - Unk Shine 01:04:52 - Good Morning Julia 01:07:18 - A Message From Tony Johns 01:10:24 - Caitlin Picks A Suitor 01:14:24 - Wrap Up 01:15:09 - Closing Song - "Good Morning Julia" by Gaping Dad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Welcome, welcome to Your Mom's House.

• 0:11Speaker 01

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• 0:41Tom Segura?

  Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Very excited to welcome our guest. I met her on a very, very funny. As a matter of fact, I would say it was Funny AF. When I met her and I saw her perform, you can check out her special, Prosciutto Rose. You can get tickets to see her live all over the country. Give it up for Caitlin Peluffo, everybody. Let her hear it.

• 1:04Speaker 03

  Hello, hello. Thank you for clapping in the sound booth. Thank you.

• 1:08Tom Segura?

  I met you on Funny AF at the finals.

• 1:14Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15Tom Segura?

  And I gotta tell you, I think I may have told you this when I saw you around there later. I went into that being like, this is probably gonna be super lame.

• 1:25Tom Segura?

  I had not been watching the show at all, so I didn't know. I did the LA, like, round one thing where people did, they only did like, I don't know, three to five minutes. It was short sets.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:37Tom Segura?

  And it was kinda like any night at a club where you're like, there was some okay. There were some really good and there was some not great. And you were like, okay. And then, and then I think the fact that it was, we're coming to the final. I was still thinking of like comedy competitions I'd seen on TV.

• 1:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:55Tom Segura?

  Which were always kinda like, you're like, yeah, it was all right. You know, because it's censored. Cause you're used to watching like network TV.

• 2:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:03Tom Segura?

  And you're like, this is kinda lame, you know? So I was like, yeah, I'm sure this will be fine. And I sat there and like every one of you guys, I kept going like, what the fuck? That was so good. And they were like, yeah, have you not been watching the show? I was like, no, I'm not watching the show. I was like, I'm fucking doing my own thing. I'm on the road, I'm doing a bunch of stuff. But you killed it.

• 2:23Speaker 03

  Thank you, I appreciate it.

• 2:24Tom Segura?

  Absolutely. And like that whole, that finals event, I was like, yeah, I don't know. Like any one of you, I would have felt like, yeah, they should win. Like, nobody was like, oh, that was good, that was. You guys were all great.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, that was, it was, cause we were doing this and it never really felt like a competition. Because we all knew each other for so long.

• 2:47Tom Segura?

  You did, you knew everybody.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  I knew everybody. I knew Osama since I started. Osama and I were like the closest on the show.

• 2:53Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  I think I met him the first month I did comedy.

• 2:56Tom Segura?

  In New York?

• 2:57Speaker 03

  In New York, yeah. And so we've been buddies.

• 2:59Tom Segura?

  And how long now have you been doing standup?

• 3:01Speaker 03

  12, almost 13.

• 3:02Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 3:02Speaker 03

  Yeah. And, and I've known Ron for a long time. We did some festivals together. And I know I've known Reg for a long time. We did open mics together.

• 3:10Tom Segura?

  So funny.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  And, uh, yeah. And so we were all just like, what are we doing here? We should be at Karma Lounge at 3 o'clock doing a bad open mic.

• 3:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:20Speaker 03

  So the fact that we were like doing something for Netflix, it was like, oh, great. We, we did the thing, whatever. We, none of us knew that it was gonna be a big deal.

• 3:27Tom Segura?

  I mean, and so because like, nobody can comment on it like somebody who participated. It really did have a huge impact, right?

• 3:35Speaker 03

  Huge, changed my life.

• 3:36Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 3:37Speaker 03

  Completely. I, I'm out of debt, which is nice.

• 3:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  I am touring like crazy. I have the schedule I've always dreamed of.

• 3:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  And my voice cannot handle.

• 3:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're doing too many spots. We just talked about this.

• 3:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I gotta, I gotta ease it back in the city a little bit. But it is like, and then I get recognized all the time.

• 3:55Tom Segura?

  Crazy.

• 3:55Speaker 03

  But not in a weird way. Everybody's super nice and super respectful. But it is like, it's completely changed my life.

• 4:03Tom Segura?

  That's so cool.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  It's the coolest thing that's ever happened to me. And it's such, I'm so grateful.

• 4:08Tom Segura?

  How long will you do your current tour? Like, is this like an endless tour?

• 4:12Speaker 03

  Until the wheels fall off.

• 4:13Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 4:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I'll go, I also love touring.

• 4:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:16Speaker 03

  I love doing an hour. I love, uh, now people are like there to see me.

• 4:21Tom Segura?

  They're coming to see, yeah.

• 4:22Speaker 03

  Which changes everything.

• 4:23Tom Segura?

  It's so different than just like, we'll see who the fuck this is.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:27Tom Segura?

  Which is a crazy way to go to a club, I think. They're like, I didn't really like this. And you're like, yeah, you came to this. No one, no one forced you.

• 4:35Speaker 03

  I'm on the internet. You can look me up.

• 4:37Tom Segura?

  There was always this thing about like papered rooms, right? Cause people like don't know, when you start, you don't sell tickets. So you just like show up at the Kansas City Improv. And then people are like, yeah, I got some free thing. I didn't look up anything, but I'm gonna show up to this with expectations that it's my humor. And you're like, that's insane.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:01Tom Segura?

  Like, you don't go to music shows and be like, the fuck is all this guitar shit? Right? Like, you're like, look it up, man. Look up what you're gonna see.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:09Tom Segura?

  But they don't. But obviously, it's a huge shift when somebody goes, I watched you. I like this person. I like their humor. I like their perspective on life. And then they go to see you in person. For you as the performer, I mean, it's the greatest gift.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  Nothing better, because you can just let loose, have fun.

• 5:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  You know, you can catch yourself.

• 5:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  There's also, uh, I think what's great about the final four is that we'd all been doing it for over 10 years.

• 5:36Tom Segura?

  And that's, it came through. That's the other thing is like, I should say is, watching you guys, you know, I was on stage there with Nikki and Kevin and I'm watching and I was like, oh, this is the other thing. It's like, first of all, these, like, it was fun to see like what you would call a club set. Like, it was everybody's like, the standup. They weren't like, oh, we'll do this for this competition. Which always, you can sense that like, oh, there's, there's a lot of like, I had to change this word, I had to take up. So everyone felt like they were doing their set. But also, everybody, you just felt seasoned. Like, people, you're like, oh, this person, these people have been doing this for a decade.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think I was the one that had done it the least, which was 12 years. Everyone else was 14, 15.

• 6:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  And it was wild. That's why I think the show did so well.

• 6:20Tom Segura?

  It's so cool that it's coming back. I think that's great. They renewed it.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 6:24Tom Segura?

  So it's like, it's, I think it's great when you're in standup and something works for standups. And then they go, and they go, we're gonna keep doing this. You're like, it's just gonna give more people opportunities.

• 6:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's funny. I'm getting a lot of messages from people who are like, should I do it? And I'm like, yeah. Are you crazy? It's like doing a late night spot with exactly what you wanna say.

• 6:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, exactly. And that's the other thing is like, we were all, I think, in standup, you kinda go, well, what has the impact now? Like, what has impact? Because it used to be that it was late night spots. So that was like the, say like the 80s.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:03Tom Segura?

  Right? Maybe into the 90s. Then it became, if you had like a Comedy Central Presents, those kind of were calling cards that could like launch people. But both of those things just kinda like, you know, they have their time and then it just kinda ends.

• 7:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:20Tom Segura?

  Now, for like the last, I would say, kinda decade, people were getting discovered by putting their clips up. So like clips of your own standup, you know, crowd work clips or just clips of material. And then people going like, here's my special on YouTube and hoping to get recognition that way. But for like a comedy focused competition to have that impact, I think it's great. It's really great.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, and the producers and everybody was so nice and supportive. And they knew that we, no one knew what they were doing, I feel like. I think Bill Dixon was the only one with like, who was like, no, this is how we're gonna do it. We're gonna be nice to the comics. We're not gonna make them look bad.

• 7:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:58Speaker 03

  Which was nice. I think they only showed one bomb. And he handled it like a champ. And now he's selling tickets.

• 8:03Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 8:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's doing great.

• 8:05Tom Segura?

  That's nice that they didn't make, yeah.

• 8:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, there was, I'll never forget this, to Bill's testament. They, Netflix put on, put up a clip on Threads, which was bombing in front of Kevin Hart. And Bill saw that and he called them and he said, take that down. And they took it down.

• 8:22Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 8:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, they took it down. And it's like, great, thank you for protecting us.

• 8:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah. We normally don't get that.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  No.

• 8:28Tom Segura?

  No. Somebody just was asking me, they were like, what's like, cause I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do a movie next week. And they were like, what's like harder? And I'm like, what's harder?

• 8:40Tom Segura?

  A movie or standup? Standup. And they're like, really? I'm like, yeah, of course. You mean 50 people standing around being like, do it again. We'll fucking make you look great in this. Or like, hey, you forgot that word. And don't worry, in post, we'll kinda cut around it and make you like, everyone's here to make this work great for you. In standup, you're like, I'm just out here by myself. And, and if the, if you don't hit it, everyone's like, you fucking suck.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, people can throw things at us.

• 9:11Tom Segura?

  It's definitely harder. Yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:13Tom Segura?

  Where you're the writer, director, performer, yeah. That's harder.

• 9:18Speaker 03

  That's so funny.

• 9:19Tom Segura?

  It's not even close.

• 9:20Speaker 03

  Not even close.

• 9:21Tom Segura?

  No. It's just why I'm going to do it. It's fucking so much fun. So, all right, here's our opening clip.

• 9:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 9:28Tom Segura?

  I don't know if you are familiar with how the clips work on here, but you'll, you'll get it.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 9:33Tom Segura?

  You'll get it. This is just a short clip to get us into the feel of this episode. Here we go.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  Good morning. I was wondering something and I still haven't been able to figure it out. Why do you always feel better on a Friday?

• 9:48Speaker 04

  Enjoy the day.

• 9:52Speaker 04

  Who is Randy?

• 9:53Speaker 00

  Don't bring anyone mothering to this. Yo mama in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome to Your Mom's House. With Tom Segura.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  And Christina Pajitski.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  Welcome to Your Mom's House.

• 10:21Tom Segura?

  It's kind of a long intro.

• 10:22Speaker 03

  It's nice.

• 10:23Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 10:24Speaker 03

  Catchy.

• 10:38Tom Segura?

  There we go. Well.

• 10:40Speaker 03

  Incredible.

• 10:41Tom Segura?

  It's pretty long, right? Guess how long that intro's been played? 16 years.

• 10:46Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 10:47Tom Segura?

  16 years that intro.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  You can't change it now.

• 10:50Tom Segura?

  No, every time somebody comes in, they're like, how long is this? I'm like, well, it's 16 years of whatever, however long that is.

• 10:56Speaker 03

  I mean, it's very good.

• 10:57Tom Segura?

  Thank you.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:57Tom Segura?

  Ryan Match, the Match Man, he made that. I remember that.

• 11:00Speaker 03

  Good job, Ry Ry.

• 11:01Tom Segura?

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• 11:46Tom Segura?

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• 13:25Tom Segura?

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• 13:37Tom Segura?

  God, that was so good. And we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third free with the promo code Y M H. That's promo code Y M H. You will receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. We thank BlueChew for sponsoring the bot. Fuck. I'm still so thrown by that sneeze.

• 14:07Tom Segura?

  We thank BlueChew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. Also, this guy's like, why do Fridays feel so good? Is that really you're debating why it feels good seeing the fucking week, numbnuts? What do you think?

• 14:18Speaker 03

  He thinks he's so smart, too.

• 14:20Tom Segura?

  Oh, he's like, have you ever wondered?

• 14:22Speaker 03

  Have you ever? Also, I'm dressed like that guy. What are we gonna do?

• 14:28Tom Segura?

  Why do Fridays feel so good? And he's like, isn't that a clever thought that I have?

• 14:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:34Tom Segura?

  Like ladies?

• 14:36Speaker 03

  Think about it.

• 14:37Tom Segura?

  Think about it.

• 14:37Speaker 03

  Think about it.

• 14:38Tom Segura?

  And go ahead and comment below.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:40Tom Segura?

  Why do you think Fridays?

• 14:42Speaker 03

  I love his little house decor. Look at him.

• 14:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 03

  That's in a bathroom?

• 14:45Tom Segura?

  He didn't put that up.

• 14:46Speaker 03

  No.

• 14:46Tom Segura?

  There's no way. He's like, every time she leaves, I make a video in the bathroom.

• 14:52Tom Segura?

  I make my secret little videos in the bathroom.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  He's gotta work on framing. It is a mess.

• 14:57Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  But a sweet boy, sweet cherub, come on.

• 15:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, you know.

• 15:01Speaker 03

  He could be saying much worse things into that mirror.

• 15:03Tom Segura?

  Maybe he's available. I could reach out to him for you.

• 15:05Speaker 03

  Honestly, at this point, come on.

• 15:07Tom Segura?

  Are you single?

• 15:08Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God, this is the best show to be on.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah?

• 15:11Tom Segura?

  I have so many potential suitors for you.

• 15:13Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 15:14Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  Are they nice suitors or gross suitors?

• 15:17Tom Segura?

  No.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  Nice?

• 15:18Tom Segura?

  Nice guys.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  All right, okay.

• 15:20Tom Segura?

  Would you like to? Would you like to?

• 15:23Speaker 03

  DM me if you have a job.

• 15:25Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, you can DM her or I could actually like show you potential suitors.

• 15:30Speaker 03

  Oh, sure.

• 15:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you could be like, yeah, hit them up.

• 15:32Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 15:32Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 15:33Speaker 03

  I love that game.

• 15:34Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, here's, this is fun. Here's this guy.

• 15:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  Good morning. Welcome to Bathroom Talk with Mark.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  A guy stole 23 cans of Pepsi.

• 15:46Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Got arrested.

• 15:50Speaker 00

  The judge ended up dismissing the charges. He didn't have an upper case.

• 15:59Tom Segura?

  So Mark's potentially a fun time also. I think he's writing material for you.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 16:06Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 16:06Speaker 03

  I like that he laughs at his own jokes.

• 16:08Tom Segura?

  He has like, we all know those types, you know? So he could give you like, hey, Caitlin, I just have the, you know, the kind of origin of an idea here. What do you think of this?

• 16:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:17Tom Segura?

  And then you go, dude, Mark, thank you.

• 16:20Speaker 03

  Let me write that down.

• 16:21Tom Segura?

  You guys are in the bathroom getting ready in the morning. It's just a possibility, okay?

• 16:25Speaker 03

  This is the second Mark I know now with no teeth.

• 16:29Tom Segura?

  The teeth thing is always.

• 16:30Speaker 03

  What's with Marks and no teeth?

• 16:32Tom Segura?

  I gotta say, I feel like I've always been an advocate of no matter what your financial situation is, get your teeth.

• 16:43Tom Segura?

  Even if you're like, I'm, I am drowning in debt. I'd be like, get into more for teeth.

• 16:49Speaker 03

  Worth it.

• 16:49Tom Segura?

  Worth it.

• 16:50Speaker 03

  More likely to get out of debt with teeth.

• 16:53Tom Segura?

  Thank you.

• 16:53Speaker 03

  Than out of debt without teeth.

• 16:54Tom Segura?

  There are certain things where you go like, no, that's like, that's a luxury. You do that if you're in a place where you can do that, okay? Like, it's not necessary to get a hair transplant.

• 17:05Speaker 03

  No.

• 17:05Tom Segura?

  Or a nose job or like bigger tit, like those, but teeth.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Teeth, you need teeth.

• 17:10Tom Segura?

  Teeth you gotta have.

• 17:11Speaker 03

  You need good chompers.

• 17:12Tom Segura?

  You have to.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:14Tom Segura?

  They don't have to be the best teeth.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  No.

• 17:15Tom Segura?

  But there's gotta be something there.

• 17:16Speaker 03

  They gotta be there.

• 17:17Tom Segura?

  They gotta, you can have huge gaps. You can't.

• 17:21Speaker 03

  This is the biggest gap I've seen.

• 17:22Tom Segura?

  And the craziest one is when somebody's like, they have like dental issues, right? Like I got whatever, dead teeth, no teeth.

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:31Tom Segura?

  And then they're like, I've just got a Corvette. And you're like, are you fucking out of your mind? Like, so you spent, you did spend money, but you were like, ah, fuck all this.

• 17:41Speaker 03

  No, I got places to be.

• 17:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and you're like, nah, dude. You cannot.

• 17:45Speaker 03

  I gotta show it in style and then freak people out when I smile.

• 17:48Tom Segura?

  And yeah, it's so alarming when somebody's like, and you're like, oh, fuck, man. That and skin tags on your face, get those removed, man, for all of us. Nobody wants to see that shit. Nobody wants to see your dangling skin tags.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  You can get skin tags on your face?

• 18:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You've never seen someone with that? With the one by the eye? And you're like, isn't that even in your vision? Like, sometimes I get an eyebrow hair that comes into my, and I'm like, what the fuck? And I trim that eyebrow hair immediately.

• 18:18Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 18:18Tom Segura?

  These fuckers, are you not even seeing this?

• 18:21Speaker 03

  Oh, yes, okay, okay, yes, yes, yes. I've seen them on the neck a lot more.

• 18:24Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 18:25Speaker 03

  But on the eye, I've never seen, and boy, that sounds rough.

• 18:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, man. And on the, on the neck, by the way, do that for the rest of us, even if it's not bothering you.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  How do you get a skin tag?

• 18:35Tom Segura?

  I don't know. I know that some, you ever have it with the driver? Like, you're in the backseat and you're like, you're like, you're fucking up my whole experience back here, man.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  Two stars.

• 18:45Tom Segura?

  Just, yeah.

• 18:46Speaker 03

  For your two tags.

• 18:47Tom Segura?

  Get it cut. It can't be expensive. How expensive is it to get a skin tag removed?

• 18:52Speaker 03

  Can't you just rip it off?

• 18:55Tom Segura?

  I would. I a hundred percent.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  I did that, I had a wart on my finger. I just bit it off.

• 19:01Speaker 03

  Is that weird? Is this why I'm single?

• 19:03Tom Segura?

  You just bit it off?

• 19:04Speaker 03

  Just bit it off. I was in high school, I was a different person.

• 19:06Tom Segura?

  $100? Fucking, you can freeze it off for 98 to 300 per session?

• 19:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:14Tom Segura?

  You could do that, man.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  I mean, but you know, some people don't have $100.

• 19:18Tom Segura?

  They don't.

• 19:19Speaker 03

  They don't.

• 19:19Tom Segura?

  But I'm saying.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  Get in debt.

• 19:21Tom Segura?

  Get in debt, dude. Pay 29.9% interest on that. Do it. It is worth it.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  Get a credit card.

• 19:29Tom Segura?

  It's gonna change, I feel like it's gonna change how your life goes.

• 19:33Speaker 03

  Yes. I mean, yeah, the facial skin tag shirt, neck, wear a scarf, you know, until you get out of the red, but.

• 19:41Tom Segura?

  Just fucking get a knife.

• 19:42Speaker 03

  The teeth, definitely focus on the teeth.

• 19:45Tom Segura?

  Focus on teeth. Skin tags, you can take a knife or a razor to your skin and I'm sure.

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, just rip it off.

• 19:50Tom Segura?

  You're what, you're gonna bleed, so what? You've never bled before?

• 19:53Speaker 03

  Is it crazy that I bit off my wart?

• 19:54Tom Segura?

  That's kinda crazy, though. You bit it off your finger?

• 19:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was on my middle finger, I just ripped it off. You've never done that?

• 20:01Tom Segura?

  Like with your, yeah.

• 20:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:02Tom Segura?

  I've never done that with a wart, no?

• 20:05Speaker 03

  What have you done it with?

• 20:06Tom Segura?

  No, no, I mean, I've def, I bite my fingers too much. That's bad.

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 20:13Tom Segura?

  I hate that I do that, but I do that. I've never had like a.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  What if I was like disgusted?

• 20:18Tom Segura?

  It is disgusting. I think it might be better for me to be shamed more about it.

• 20:21Speaker 03

  Really?

• 20:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, because nothing's worked thus far.

• 20:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 20:24Tom Segura?

  I went to a hypnotherapist about it.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  No.

• 20:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:27Speaker 03

  You're that concerned about biting your nails?

• 20:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I fucking don't like it. I feel like.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  What you should do, which stopped me from biting my nails.

• 20:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:34Speaker 03

  Is get acrylics.

• 20:36Tom Segura?

  I've worn acrylics.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  And you still bite your nails?

• 20:38Tom Segura?

  No.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 20:39Tom Segura?

  I was playing a character. I was playing a woman and that day I was like, well, I'm not biting today.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  I mean, paint your nails. Put a clear coat, hard, hard gel, that's what I do, I do hard gel.

• 20:49Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  Put hard gel on top.

• 20:51Tom Segura?

  Did you bite before?

• 20:52Speaker 03

  I used to bite, yeah.

• 20:53Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 20:53Speaker 03

  And then now you can't because it's like concrete. Oh, my God.

• 20:57Tom Segura?

  With my acrylics.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  You look great.

• 21:00Tom Segura?

  Thanks.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  They're fun, right?

• 21:01Tom Segura?

  Well, you know what happened that day?

• 21:02Speaker 03

  What?

• 21:03Tom Segura?

  Was that? I had two days I was supposed to do.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  Sorry, I didn't expect the sassy hips.

• 21:08Tom Segura?

  No, it's all good. I was, uh, I was supposed to do, they're like, okay, and I didn't know, I don't know anything about nails. So the one lady in the makeup trailer is like, all right, well, we'll put these on, but you know, I'm, I'm gonna be in it all day grabbing things. So they're like, you know, we need it to stick, but like, you don't want it to be too on there. And I don't think it was passed on to this lady. So they had different glues and she put the, what was considered the two week glue on. So at the end of the day, dude, getting these off, you could hear me screaming from like, two trailers away. I was like, ah, I felt like it was gonna rip the entire real nail bed off. It was, it was so fuck. It makes you appreciate what, what ladies go through.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, we go through a lot. This takes an hour and a half.

• 21:55Tom Segura?

  That takes an hour and a half?

• 21:56Speaker 03

  I get them done three, every three weeks and they cost about a hundred bucks.

• 22:00Tom Segura?

  That's a lot.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  But I love them.

• 22:01Tom Segura?

  You do love them.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  I love them so much. I don't bite my nails anymore. They're along my little witch's fingers.

• 22:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  And they make me feel pretty and I, and I don't feel gross whenever I see a picture of myself holding a microphone.

• 22:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah. There's, um, there's wild girls out there too, though.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's true.

• 22:15Tom Segura?

  We have cool guys like this and then we have wild girls like this.

• 22:22Speaker 06

  This is a hit and run. Hit and run. Hit my car. Double felony. Get out of the vehicle.

• 22:32Speaker 06

  This is the last chance.

• 22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's already a hit and run.

• 22:39Tom Segura?

  It's already a hit and run. I already ran.

• 22:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, my grandma, you really don't understand.

• 22:47Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 22:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought it was you and I pulled over.

• 22:51Speaker 03

  Don't put it in the front.

• 22:56Tom Segura?

  I gotta say, I like her energy, you know?

• 23:03Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 23:04Tom Segura?

  You don't understand.

• 23:12Tom Segura?

  Is that an old Impala? Is that what that is? Is that like a 96 Impala? Those are so rad.

• 23:19Tom Segura?

  Is it?

• 23:20Speaker 03

  That she's driving?

• 23:21Tom Segura?

  I mean, I can't really see it.

• 23:22Speaker 06

  You need to get out of the vehicle and do what's right. You need to get out of the vehicle. I have video documentation.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  Also, this guy sounds like a nerd.

• 23:31Tom Segura?

  No, it's not. It's not. No, that's a, it's a Hyundai.

• 23:37Tom Segura?

  It's got the tricked out exhaust. Look at, look at her. Wow.

• 23:42Speaker 06

  Are you kidding me? You almost hit me.

• 23:45Tom Segura?

  She's like, sorry, bro.

• 23:50Tom Segura?

  That exhaust is.

• 23:52Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 23:53Tom Segura?

  Pretty loud, lady.

• 23:54Speaker 03

  That's a pretty nice breakdown.

• 23:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  That just happened.

• 23:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So there's girls out there too, just in case you're interested.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Oh, I mean, I'm in a hard pass on that.

• 24:03Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 24:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:04Tom Segura?

  You know.

• 24:05Speaker 03

  I've dabbled and it's a hard no thank you.

• 24:08Tom Segura?

  Did you dabble like in college?

• 24:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did the whole thing. Women are great, but I really can't do a puss puss.

• 24:14Tom Segura?

  Puss puss?

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. No, thank you.

• 24:18Tom Segura?

  Did you try?

• 24:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm, I know.

• 24:21Tom Segura?

  You know.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's tough.

• 24:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:26Speaker 03

  You gotta really love pussy.

• 24:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I felt the same way about dicks. I'm like, huh. I'm like, I mean, it looks cool. But I just don't, I don't love it.

• 24:39Speaker 03

  Tore her in half.

• 24:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, tore her in half. I'm like, hey, man.

• 24:43Tom Segura?

  Take it easy with that thing.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Even when you said that, I was like, I could probably handle it.

• 24:48Tom Segura?

  That's the thing is, uh, I think a lot of ladies can. They're like, that's too big. I'm like, you could take it. You can take it.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  You gotta have a nice warm up, but yeah.

• 24:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, warm. I mean, turn the oven on at least. Don't just jam it in there.

• 25:00Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 25:44Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 26:04Speaker 01

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• 26:35Tom Segura?

  This lady, by the way, so she, she hits this guy.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 26:40Tom Segura?

  She locks herself in there while a man films. He's like, you need to get out of the vehicle, do what's right. Cause he, and she goes, I already ran. Right? She's like, it's a hit and run. She's like, yeah, I already ran. So like, what part don't you get?

• 26:54Tom Segura?

  She don't, then she goes, you don't, you, you don't know how mean my grandma is. I'm sorry. So this guy then had his own dash cam and, and, and called the police.

• 27:09Tom Segura?

  She drove away, so, so he went to a police station the next day, showed the officers all the footage, filed a report. They ended up, um, getting a hold of this woman and she was just, uh, charged with a misdemeanor.

• 27:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 27:24Tom Segura?

  Which I read this story about this. It's not in my write-up, but I read about it and she ended up just having to like, pay a fine and, um, and, and she had to go to, um, court ordered, um, like substance abuse, like program, even though like she didn't test. They were just, I guess they just watched it. They're like, you're fucked up.

• 27:48Speaker 03

  There's no way you're not hammered.

• 27:49Tom Segura?

  There's no way. You're sober. So yeah, that was all.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  Also, I gotta say, I don't like the guy. He sounded like such a nerd.

• 27:56Tom Segura?

  He was kinda.

• 27:58Tom Segura?

  Do what's right.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  You almost hit me.

• 28:00Tom Segura?

  Do what's right.

• 28:01Speaker 03

  Pansy, get out of here.

• 28:02Tom Segura?

  You can't tell somebody who's doing what's wrong to do what's right, you know? Like, hey, man.

• 28:07Speaker 03

  Clearly it's a meltdown that's happening.

• 28:09Tom Segura?

  You robbed me. Do what's right. Give it back. It's like, no, I'm a thief. Like, what do you not get about this, man? But do what's right. Like, it's not gonna happen, dude.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  That guy's a nerd.

• 28:20Tom Segura?

  He's such a fucking nerd.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  I'm on her side. Keep running.

• 28:25Tom Segura?

  Here's another guy. I just want you to consider. Again, you just let me know.

• 28:28Speaker 03

  All right.

• 28:28Tom Segura?

  We'll reach out.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 28:30Speaker 06

  If I start having a conversation with somebody and some retard with a motherfucking laptop starts stirring with the conversation and fucking it up and embarrassing the fuck out of me, I'm gonna get his fucking ass. I swear to God.

• 28:46Tom Segura?

  But here's why I want you to consider him. Okay? What he said was, if I'm having a conversation, so picture, you're who he's talking to.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:54Tom Segura?

  He's fully engaged. He's attentive. He's asking you questions, all the things you want. And then somebody with a fucking laptop, which means I guess that's happened to him, interrupts, then he's gonna beat that guy's fucking ass. I mean, isn't that kinda what you want?

• 29:09Speaker 03

  So sure is.

• 29:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He's like, don't interrupt. Me and Caitlin, we're having a good time.

• 29:14Speaker 03

  We're having a nice time. You and your laptop are gonna ruin it.

• 29:17Tom Segura?

  And to think that this bothered him so much that he just posted a video of just this.

• 29:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 29:23Tom Segura?

  I feel like it happened maybe that day.

• 29:25Speaker 03

  It happened that day. Happened maybe 10 minutes ago. I just love the moment between him screaming at the screen and then being like, nah, I gotta stop this video.

• 29:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that, there's always that thing of like.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  That's enough. I've done it. Where's the button?

• 29:38Tom Segura?

  It's so interesting now that like in today's world, like, you know, whatever, 20, 30 years ago, you would just, if you were mad, I don't know, you would just scream, punch a wall, whatever, right?

• 29:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:52Tom Segura?

  But now you can record a video about somebody who enraged you and then you just put that out, but that person never sees it.

• 30:00Speaker 03

  No.

• 30:01Tom Segura?

  But you channel your rage just out into the fucking world.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  It's a little rage journal.

• 30:07Tom Segura?

  It's a rage journal.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:08Tom Segura?

  And there's so many people who just like have an experience and then they go, has anyone ever fucking cuts me off? And you're like, okay, I guess you just got cut off and, and they need it documented. You gotta document that something, like a guy with a laptop is so specific.

• 30:25Speaker 03

  I wanna know what the comments were.

• 30:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, we fucking hate Carl.

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You're talking about on 26th Street, where the Starbucks?

• 30:35Tom Segura?

  So he's a consideration.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 30:37Tom Segura?

  I mean, I just want you to consider.

• 30:38Speaker 03

  Lack of teeth. Real tough.

• 30:39Tom Segura?

  Does he have no teeth?

• 30:40Speaker 03

  Take a look. I think there's, there's not, something's going on.

• 30:43Tom Segura?

  Well.

• 30:44Speaker 03

  Something's up.

• 30:46Tom Segura?

  There's a case that, that they're just very small teeth.

• 30:52Speaker 03

  Got little rabbit teeth.

• 30:54Tom Segura?

  No, you're right.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  No, I don't think there's much teeth going on here.

• 30:57Tom Segura?

  Not a lot of teeth.

• 30:58Speaker 03

  And you know what? I'll tell you what. I don't have high standards, but I deserve some teeth.

• 31:01Tom Segura?

  I'm with you on that.

• 31:02Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 31:02Tom Segura?

  I will, I will die on that hill. Caitlin deserves teeth, everybody. All right. Here's another potential suitor for you.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Great.

• 31:10Tom Segura?

  Single.

• 31:12Tom Segura?

  Any single girls in the local neighborhood here in Vancouver? I'm gonna hold that. I'm single.

• 31:20Tom Segura?

  Ran out of smoke, still pating. Need some help. One of you single women? Over there? He, it just cut off.

• 31:27Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 31:28Tom Segura?

  But here's the thing, we have his contact.

• 31:31Speaker 03

  Oh, that's great.

• 31:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  Thank you. I am a single woman, not in Vancouver, but I could, I could Postmates him some smokes.

• 31:38Tom Segura?

  You could, you know what you could do? You could go do a show there.

• 31:40Speaker 03

  I could.

• 31:40Tom Segura?

  It's a excuse to.

• 31:42Speaker 03

  It's an excuse to see the man I need.

• 31:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Isn't that?

• 31:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was always wanting to be a nurse.

• 31:48Tom Segura?

  It's kind of a, okay, all right, well, you know.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  You know what? I'm gonna hard pass on this guy, although I love the facial hair.

• 31:53Tom Segura?

  Do you like food?

• 31:54Speaker 03

  I love food. Big eater. Oh, no.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  He's wearing that man like a crown.

• 32:02Speaker 06

  That's apple pie.

• 32:04Tom Segura?

  I love, you like apple pie?

• 32:05Speaker 03

  I like apple pie. Wow.

• 32:07Speaker 06

  Apple pie, yum.

• 32:11Tom Segura?

  He's got cool ear things?

• 32:13Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 32:14Speaker 06

  Good apple pie.

• 32:15Speaker 03

  I hate watching, I hate hearing a man eat.

• 32:18Tom Segura?

  See, sir?

• 32:19Speaker 06

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 32:23Tom Segura?

  Well, that's the thing is that's why you gotta watch the vids. You gotta know.

• 32:26Speaker 03

  You gotta watch it to the end.

• 32:27Tom Segura?

  You gotta watch it to the end.

• 32:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, the red flag, that's where it was.

• 32:30Tom Segura?

  Can't eat with your mouth open, sir. That's the, that's the lesson here. You almost had her.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  So close. I love apple pie, we have so much in common.

• 32:37Tom Segura?

  You had so much, you were right there. Shit. Okay.

• 32:42Speaker 03

  God. And he likes football? Come on.

• 32:44Tom Segura?

  Come, are you a football fan?

• 32:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm 49ers.

• 32:47Tom Segura?

  You're a 49ers fan?

• 32:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm from the Bay. Yeah.

• 32:49Tom Segura?

  Oh, I didn't know you were from the Bay.

• 32:51Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, I'm from, uh, San Bruno, which is about 10, 15 minutes south of San Francisco.

• 32:55Tom Segura?

  So you grew up just diehard 49ers?

• 32:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, my dad's a diehard 49ers, so 49ers, San Francisco Giants, those are my two teams.

• 33:02Tom Segura?

  Man, you had a pretty close run last few, I mean, you got, you almost got one.

• 33:08Speaker 03

  Too injured.

• 33:09Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 33:09Speaker 03

  It's the, the electricity in the, the training facility.

• 33:12Tom Segura?

  My first, like, sports heartbreak

• 33:16Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:16Tom Segura?

  as a kid was the 49ers beating the Bengals in the Super Bowl.

• 33:21Speaker 03

  I'm sorry.

• 33:22Tom Segura?

  In 1988?

• 33:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:24Tom Segura?

  And that was like, the first time you, you're like, wait, this could happen, like, you're, the devastation. I was, but I also, it was weird because at the same time, even though Cincinnati was my team,

• 33:35Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:36Tom Segura?

  at, every kid loved Joe Montana and Jerry Rice.

• 33:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:40Tom Segura?

  And so you're like, well, if you're gonna lose.

• 33:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:43Tom Segura?

  To them.

• 33:43Speaker 03

  Absolutely. I think that's the Josh Allen. He was the Josh Allen of, everybody kinda likes.

• 33:47Tom Segura?

  Uh, yeah.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Is it Josh Allen? Am I saying that right? Yeah.

• 33:50Tom Segura?

  I think so. Yeah, for the, for the Bills.

• 33:52Speaker 03

  White dude name.

• 33:53Tom Segura?

  It's a generic white guy name, yes. Yes.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  Uh, but I feel like he's like the poster boy that everybody kinda.

• 33:58Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, loves. He's the new Joe Montana, I feel like.

• 34:01Tom Segura?

  Look at that wholesome smile.

• 34:03Speaker 03

  I know, he's sweet. He's dating, um, what's her name?

• 34:06Tom Segura?

  Haley.

• 34:07Speaker 03

  Haley Seinfeld, Steinfeld?

• 34:09Tom Segura?

  Steinfeld?

• 34:09Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 34:10Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  She's great. She was in Pitch Perfect 2. We love that.

• 34:13Tom Segura?

  Pitch Perfect, she was in, uh, what's it called? Is that a dick being held?

• 34:18Speaker 03

  Hold on. No, that's a finger. That's crazy. Look at those dick rivers.

• 34:24Tom Segura?

  That's not somebody jerking off?

• 34:25Speaker 03

  That's a baby. That's a baby's hand holding a finger.

• 34:28Tom Segura?

  But doesn't it kinda look like, I mean, I do wear glasses. I thought it was like, some guy just like,

• 34:35Tom Segura?

  I'm watching sinners.

• 34:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. She's so hot.

• 34:38Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God. Yeah. It still looks like a hog to me.

• 34:42Speaker 03

  No, that is, I see the acrylic nails. That's a pointy dick.

• 34:47Tom Segura?

  Okay, all right.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's a ring on it.

• 34:50Tom Segura?

  You know what? I'll just, I'll trust you.

• 34:51Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 34:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:52Speaker 03

  All right, take, uh, believe women.

• 34:54Tom Segura?

  We know, we know my point of view on this. Um.

• 34:58Speaker 03

  But yeah, no, 49er fan, it's been tough. Um, but I, I had to stop getting into it as much because I get, it would like ruin my week.

• 35:05Tom Segura?

  Would it really?

• 35:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:06Tom Segura?

  So you were like emo, but see, this is what I tell, cause you know, you meet people, men, but usually women who are like, yeah, sports, I don't get into sports.

• 35:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  And I'm like, some of them are like, yeah, I'll watch a game. My thing is like, if, you can't do this for every game, but if you don't emotionally invest to some degree,

• 35:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:26Tom Segura?

  then who cares?

• 35:26Speaker 03

  It's not fun. Yeah.

• 35:27Tom Segura?

  Right? Like, it's like a movie. If you're like, I don't care about any of the characters, then you're like, well, yeah, then who'll give, like, then you're like, well, that movie was, you, you have to invest, right? So with sports, it's like, obviously like not, at some games you just go, I'm just watching this game. But if you never invest, you never get the payoff of what it is to be a fan.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:47Tom Segura?

  You need to feel the despair of loss.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:51Tom Segura?

  In order to feel the thrill of victory.

• 35:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that's what's, uh, kind of where the Savannah Bananas.

• 35:59Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 35:59Speaker 03

  Kind of topple out.

• 36:01Tom Segura?

  Fun for everyone.

• 36:02Speaker 03

  Fun for everybody, but there's no heartbreak.

• 36:03Tom Segura?

  There's no, yeah.

• 36:04Speaker 03

  You gotta have a little heartbreak.

• 36:05Tom Segura?

  It's like, they lost, but they did these cool flips.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:09Tom Segura?

  You're like, oh, yeah, that was, that's great.

• 36:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  No, I need, I need a little like, come on, you know? I need a little bit of that, but then now I'm like, but it's okay.

• 36:19Tom Segura?

  It's okay.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  You know, it's okay.

• 36:20Tom Segura?

  And you're also a Giants fan.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, and that one's really tough.

• 36:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, that one's been a bummer this year.

• 36:25Tom Segura?

  Did you grow up like Bonds obsessed?

• 36:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, my dad went to one of his games when he hit, I think it was, I think he hit 500. He was at that game.

• 36:33Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 36:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's huge Giants fans. Yeah.

• 36:36Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 36:37Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, very cool.

• 36:38Tom Segura?

  Um, do you, like, I don't know if you're, have you been, like, privy to, like, the, the information of when a super famous person decides to join social media? They sometimes just don't know how to be human. So like.

• 36:57Speaker 03

  Please tell what the next.

• 36:58Tom Segura?

  Well, the, the original for that is definitely when Garth Brooks joined social media.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  Oh, boy.

• 37:04Tom Segura?

  You saw his famous, I'm joining Facebook. It was just weird.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  No, I didn't see that.

• 37:08Tom Segura?

  You didn't see it? This was like a decade ago. It was one of the weirdest things ever, okay?

• 37:13Speaker 03

  I'm joining Facebook.

• 37:14Tom Segura?

  He was just like, you just were like, huh? Like, he was like, it's, uh, I guess, I guess I'm just gonna be raw on this and like, so neat. Like, it was just like a robot. But then M. Night Shyamalan, the director.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:30Tom Segura?

  Who'd made, who's made the, whatever.

• 37:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:33Tom Segura?

  Signs and, uh, what is the, the original one? The first one was, um.

• 37:38Speaker 03

  Village, oh, six cents.

• 37:40Tom Segura?

  Yes, split, like, so he's made all these movies. He decides to join YouTube. But like his, he's like, I'm on YouTube. It's like, it's so weird.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Why YouTube?

• 37:53Tom Segura?

  I don't, let's, let, watch this.

• 37:56Speaker 06

  I'm M. Night Shyamalan.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 37:59Speaker 06

  A filmmaker, make movies for a living.

• 38:01Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:01Speaker 06

  And this is my YouTube channel.

• 38:07Speaker 06

  What I hope it is, is an opportunity to reflect and get to know each other, deepen the relationship. That's probably the main thing I think of.

• 38:20Speaker 06

  In a, in a way that feels

• 38:26Speaker 06

  that I'm scared. And when I'm scared, I usually feel like I'm doing something right, um, growing.

• 38:36Speaker 06

  The messiness of it all.

• 38:40Speaker 06

  And permission to be not great.

• 38:46Speaker 06

  Both for, for you guys and for me and to, you know, it's like 30 years making movies and I wanna

• 38:54Speaker 06

  undo it a little bit, you know, undo whatever stigmas are in my head or, or in anybody's head. And so maybe a reflective, uh, part of my life, and so maybe this is a part of that.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  I would've turned this off minutes ago.

• 39:09Speaker 06

  Something about it feels right.

• 39:11Tom Segura?

  I want you to watch the whole thing.

• 39:13Speaker 06

  As long as I don't feel like I'm breaking anything that's important to me here, um, then I'm, then I'm okay with it. By the way, we're, this is my little bench that I come to think, think on. Um, actually, my, my, uh, office gave me this as a present.

• 39:31Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 39:31Speaker 06

  Here, under my tree. That's my office in there, actually. So I come out here to kind of.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Stop talking.

• 39:39Speaker 06

  When I'm not feeling great, which is often.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Jesus, cry for help.

• 39:45Speaker 06

  That we planted for my dad, who passed away this year, so I get to look at that. And one day that'll be a big tree.

• 39:55Speaker 06

  So I don't know how this is gonna be. I don't know what I'm gonna show you, um, and what you're gonna show me, but the, the joy of it is stepping into the unknown. Um, and so we'll do that together. So.

• 40:08Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 40:09Speaker 06

  I hope you enjoy it. I hope you stay with me.

• 40:11Tom Segura?

  Well, I'll tell you this, man. Do you not see the irony in being a director and not knowing that that was a bad take? That that's when you say, hey, fucking take two?

• 40:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:23Tom Segura?

  Like, what the, what?

• 40:26Speaker 03

  Do this again, buddy.

• 40:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  That was the most cringe, and then the pan over to the sad tree. This is my bench.

• 40:34Tom Segura?

  My, I'm, I, this is my bench where I think, and I'm usually not feeling, I'm usually not feeling good about much.

• 40:41Speaker 03

  Argyle socks with ripped flares.

• 40:43Tom Segura?

  Are you running for Congress? Are you the cool congressional candidate who's like, eh, I have to wear a tie, but I wear jeans too, so.

• 40:52Speaker 03

  This is my office. Uh, that was so uncomfortable.

• 40:55Tom Segura?

  That was one of the weirdest things. Um, congratulations on being the, one of the weirdest fucking introductions to social media. You don't top Garth, but that was super uncomfortable.

• 41:04Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 41:05Tom Segura?

  And I think most people would watch that and go, God, please don't ever do that again.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Never.

• 41:09Tom Segura?

  Like, just know that the rest of your videos, cause I do hope you actually have a good channel, and I think, you know, he's a really interesting filmmaker and, and he's made great movies and, and it's cool that he's deciding to engage the audience, but that was so uncomfortable.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Awful. Stay behind the camera, buddy.

• 41:29Tom Segura?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  You're not ugly, but you're don't, you're not a natural.

• 41:33Tom Segura?

  All right, you want the, you want the OG weirdest one?

• 41:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:36Tom Segura?

  This is the, this is when Garth joined Facebook, okay?

• 41:38Speaker 03

  Okay. Oh, I can't wait. I love Garth.

• 41:41Tom Segura?

  Not as long, but weird as fuck.

• 41:42Speaker 03

  What was the name of his alter ego?

• 41:45Tom Segura?

  Chris Gaines.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 41:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so weird. Here's, okay, here we go. Well, I guess it's official.

• 41:51Speaker 00

  We're now on Facebook. I really wasn't sure about this at the start. But then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense. She said, think of it more as a conversation. I like that.

• 42:02Tom Segura?

  Uh, right?

• 42:03Speaker 00

  But I'm already finding out on my own. So it's wiping the walls out between you and me. And I really like that. It allows us into each other's worlds, or I guess in my case, hotel room.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  When I think about things I want to post, I want to post cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff. But most of the stuff I'm gonna post is gonna be raw stuff like this. This is just who I am. So if this is truly a conversation, then I say, let the conversation begin.

• 42:34Tom Segura?

  Is that not the first?

• 42:35Speaker 03

  That's ten times better than M9 Shyam.

• 42:37Tom Segura?

  I know, I know.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  That was way more fun. Slick stuff. I want to see some slick stuff.

• 42:43Tom Segura?

  And the vocal, he just, he would drop a brush, he like, I like that.

• 42:48Tom Segura?

  So you're like, oh my god.

• 42:49Speaker 03

  Great.

• 42:50Tom Segura?

  But both of them feel like they don't understand.

• 42:53Speaker 03

  They don't know what's happening.

• 42:53Tom Segura?

  What's happening.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  They're very out of touch.

• 42:55Tom Segura?

  Like, literally someone was like, have you tried the Facebook? And he was like, what? And they're like, people talk there. You should. He was like, okay, I'll do my first post. And then.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  You have a conversation. Well, let's make this a conversation.

• 43:08Tom Segura?

  M9 looked like he was just like going through it that day and was like, roll, this will be good. It's like, what the fuck, man?

• 43:14Speaker 03

  He's scratching his back.

• 43:15Tom Segura?

  People are like, I want to know how you wrote that script. What is this shit? What the fuck, man?

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Oh, very awkward.

• 43:23Tom Segura?

  Really weirding us out, dude.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  Weirding us out and just fidgety and just too far away.

• 43:31Tom Segura?

  And also, like, as comedians, we cannot take this level of sincerity. It's too much.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  But it's like scripted sincerity.

• 43:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  It's like, I should be saying this.

• 43:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. And then he's like, if it scares me, that's good.

• 43:45Speaker 03

  That's crazy.

• 43:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Why is YouTube scaring you?

• 43:49Tom Segura?

  I don't, he's gonna open up and tell us all his deepest, darkest fears.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  I can't wait to see him. Turns out it's not even him, it's a ghost.

• 44:01Tom Segura?

  All I feel like his, your page should be like, you know what? It takes me a long time to like make an idea come to life. Like today, and then you show us that you wrote down ideas. You don't have to give them away, but you're like, you're like, this is like how, and then I fuck, I get frustrated. Like, show us how you make movies.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:19Tom Segura?

  That's what we want to know.

• 44:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:20Tom Segura?

  You come up with these like mind bending twists?

• 44:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:24Tom Segura?

  That'd be cool. I don't want to fucking be like, oh shit, are we gonna look at the tree today?

• 44:30Speaker 03

  This is a journal?

• 44:31Tom Segura?

  That was sad.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  We had the angry journal, the rage journal, and now we have the sad dad journal.

• 44:38Tom Segura?

  Sad dad. I feel like one of his kids is gonna be like, did you just fucking post that? Dad, let me tell you what, how you're supposed to do this. It's not like that.

• 44:46Speaker 03

  It's embarrassing. Stop it.

• 44:48Tom Segura?

  So embarrassing. Okay, we have a segment we call horrible or hilarious.

• 44:53Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 44:54Tom Segura?

  So I will show you. I can, they even have an intro for it.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  That wasn't it?

• 44:57Tom Segura?

  No, I know. That was horrible.

• 44:59Speaker 03

  One was horrible, one was hilarious.

• 45:04Tom Segura?

  It's the intro.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  You guys got a lot of.

• 45:08Tom Segura?

  I forgot this was here.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  You're gonna murder me in my sleep. No, it's good.

• 45:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I put that back on there for you. That's awesome.

• 45:14Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 45:16Tom Segura?

  So I play you a video.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 45:18Tom Segura?

  It's either, oh my god, that was really horrible. Or you tell me it's funny.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Okay, great.

• 45:23Tom Segura?

  It's up to you. You're the only person.

• 45:25Speaker 03

  I'm the only one. That's, I, oh my gosh, I love the singular opinion.

• 45:28Tom Segura?

  It's just you.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 45:32Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 45:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 45:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yo, why? Shit.

• 45:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're good? Need the ambulance?

• 46:02Speaker 03

  He's clearly not dead.

• 46:04Tom Segura?

  He's not dead.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  So it's hilarious.

• 46:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was, that's one of the best ones I've ever seen. I cannot believe, there's so much perfection to this video. When he's like in his little scoot scoot and he starts to creep and they're like, what are you doing? They're like, wait, wait, wait, what are you doing? And then the slow teeter off and the fall and it's just quiet and then the kid's like, ha ha, like he laughs. And then this guy's just like, uh, you guys happy? It's like he did it for them. You wanna see an old man eat shit?

• 46:40Speaker 03

  I mean.

• 46:41Tom Segura?

  What?

• 46:42Speaker 03

  And the kid's accent is adorable.

• 46:43Tom Segura?

  It is.

• 46:46Tom Segura?

  Right, so like, they're like, da da da da da. They know this is a bad idea. And then this goes really slowly.

• 46:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 46:59Tom Segura?

  He knows to laugh.

• 47:00Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 47:01Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 47:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yo, why?

• 47:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're good? Need the ambulance?

• 47:10Tom Segura?

  He knows, he knows what to ask. You good?

• 47:13Speaker 03

  But he kept filming.

• 47:14Tom Segura?

  We did. Dude, this kid's going places. I'm telling you right now.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  That's hilarious.

• 47:19Tom Segura?

  Honestly, guys, that is the, that is the sweet spot right there.

• 47:24Speaker 03

  Anyone falling is better than anything I could ever write.

• 47:26Tom Segura?

  It's always great.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  It's so funny.

• 47:28Tom Segura?

  I like to hear screams. I've learned, I love a good scream of pain and agony, but I don't want to see gore. I learned that.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no.

• 47:36Tom Segura?

  I like, yeah, I like a physical trauma that doesn't kill them and that doesn't result in a life threatening injury.

• 47:45Speaker 03

  No hospital.

• 47:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  No hospital, just a little lift for a couple of days.

• 47:49Tom Segura?

  Scream like you should be in one, but I don't want you to go. Yeah.

• 47:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, a little false alarm scream.

• 47:55Tom Segura?

  That'll, that's good for me. I like that.

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:58Tom Segura?

  Okay, what's this here? Oh my gosh. Does he pop up? Look at him. He's okay.

• 48:18Tom Segura?

  That woke everybody up.

• 48:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:19Tom Segura?

  Everyone. Holy fucking shit.

• 48:22Speaker 03

  Not as, not as hilarious as the last one.

• 48:24Tom Segura?

  He sped through the intersection, which we saw.

• 48:28Tom Segura?

  A passenger says, we wrecked the car and the driver says, at least it didn't end his life. Uh, he crossed a red light, so it's his fault. This was in Columbia.

• 48:38Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 48:39Tom Segura?

  Holy fuck, that was, that was so fast.

• 48:44Speaker 03

  That was so fast.

• 48:44Tom Segura?

  I cannot believe he popped up.

• 48:46Speaker 03

  I mean, he didn't pop.

• 48:48Tom Segura?

  Well, that's true.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  He kind of staggered and scooted off the, the, the bus. But yeah, no, I think this is horrible. I didn't laugh, eh? And if someone was sitting there, they'd be dead.

• 49:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:02Speaker 03

  And he'd be fine. It would have, I think he would be less hurt.

• 49:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  If the person was there.

• 49:06Tom Segura?

  And also, we should note that in, in, in these types of accidents, a lot of times the adrenaline will help you get up and then you'll die.

• 49:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:13Tom Segura?

  So he could be dead.

• 49:14Speaker 03

  He could be dead.

• 49:15Tom Segura?

  He could be dead.

• 49:16Speaker 03

  Kane there, I guess?

• 49:17Tom Segura?

  And we don't know. Yeah, that might just be a piece of metal that was inside him a moment ago.

• 49:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would say this is horrible. I'm still laughing at the old.

• 49:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know. That one is just, it's so perfect. It was so good. Oh my god.

• 49:33Speaker 03

  But no, this one, this one kinda, this guy stinks. He could have really hurt someone and he's speeding. I don't like breaking rules.

• 49:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, speeding through an intersection, you can kill a bunch of people.

• 49:41Speaker 03

  What'd you think was gonna happen?

• 49:42Tom Segura?

  Yep, you're a real knucklehead.

• 49:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't care for you.

• 49:45Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 49:45Speaker 03

  I hope you have fallen to a.

• 49:47Tom Segura?

  Caitlin voted horrible. You, sir, are horrible.

• 49:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:53Tom Segura?

  Holy shit. Did you see that?

• 49:56Speaker 03

  Oh, lightning.

• 49:57Tom Segura?

  He got hit by lightning.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  That guy?

• 49:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he just got hit by lightning.

• 50:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, yeah, please come, come. Are you okay? I'm calling an ambulance for you.

• 50:06Tom Segura?

  That dude got hit by lightning, dude.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  Just walking it off like a badass.

• 50:12Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 50:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god. Oh my god, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

• 50:18Speaker 03

  Don't apologize.

• 50:19Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, dude. That was, he spent one night in the hospital with zero burns. Doctors were in complete astonishment. He was back at work within days. Uh, it was luck, not luck blessed, he said. He went to church that day. Well, yeah, he got struck by fucking lightning. And he was walking out of it from it. Um, he, oh, so this was, lightning hits him and he's, that's a neighbor's house.

• 50:44Speaker 03

  Dang.

• 50:44Tom Segura?

  And he says, can I come in, please? While apologizing. That's why he's, because it's not even his house.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  Oh, what a sweet man.

• 50:50Tom Segura?

  Holy, how?

• 50:52Speaker 03

  Oh my, that, and that sucks because there's a huge tree right next to him.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 51:01Tom Segura?

  Fuck, man.

• 51:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, yeah, please.

• 51:04Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's what he said. Can I come in, please?

• 51:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you okay? I'm calling an.

• 51:07Tom Segura?

  That'd be great if she was like, no.

• 51:08Speaker 03

  You sit on the porch. So I'll get you a towel.

• 51:11Tom Segura?

  Fucking know you, no. It's like, I got hit by lightning, please?

• 51:16Speaker 03

  Stranger danger.

• 51:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't think so. Take a fucking walk, Pat.

• 51:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't want the lightning to come in, so why don't you just?

• 51:22Tom Segura?

  You stay out.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  That is crazy because it was like three, ka ka ka.

• 51:26Tom Segura?

  That was, yeah.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  That was.

• 51:27Tom Segura?

  I know someone that, that died.

• 51:29Speaker 03

  Died?

• 51:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:31Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 51:31Tom Segura?

  I know. It was, it was really terrible and she got struck in an open field.

• 51:36Speaker 03

  Oh, fuck.

• 51:37Tom Segura?

  During a storm and died. Yeah.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  This guy should be pissed. Look at how many high things are all around him.

• 51:42Tom Segura?

  Oh, I know.

• 51:43Speaker 03

  He got picked out.

• 51:43Tom Segura?

  You picked me?

• 51:44Speaker 03

  Jesus.

• 51:46Tom Segura?

  I know, man.

• 51:46Speaker 03

  No, you are, you are hashtag blessed.

• 51:49Tom Segura?

  You have to like feel like your life has more meaning after something like that.

• 51:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, when you get struck by lightning and you, you walk it off.

• 51:56Tom Segura?

  It's.

• 51:56Speaker 03

  After coming from church, that guy's like, I am Jesus.

• 51:59Tom Segura?

  I, yeah, he comes back just with such an ego.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's in the front row of the pew. You want me to take it from here?

• 52:06Tom Segura?

  I piss fucking lightning down, guys. Come check this out.

• 52:09Speaker 03

  I was chosen.

• 52:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:11Speaker 03

  That's why the ring camera was on.

• 52:13Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 52:14Speaker 03

  That's crazy.

• 52:15Tom Segura?

  That was crazy.

• 52:15Speaker 03

  I would say, uh, horrible.

• 52:17Tom Segura?

  It was pretty horrible.

• 52:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, not hilarious.

• 52:19Tom Segura?

  Again, guys, not good. Not great. You see how I gave them so much credit on that first one and now they're just taking us down a dark, dark.

• 52:28Speaker 03

  Bummer. Oh, they're picking them. You don't even see them.

• 52:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't see them until this.

• 52:32Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 52:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:33Speaker 03

  All right. Okay, pick it up, okay?

• 52:36Speaker 00

  Wait for this next one.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  Mama wants to laugh.

• 52:38Tom Segura?

  Okay, let's, yeah, let's have a giggle. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Okay, so far.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  What is that, a bike?

• 52:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I think he's on a.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Oh no. Oh no.

• 52:51Tom Segura?

  That's a pretty far.

• 52:53Speaker 03

  Oh my god, they're not wearing.

• 52:57Tom Segura?

  Oh no.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 53:03Tom Segura?

  Caitlin likes it, guys. You did it. You found her. She says she likes when people fall.

• 53:11Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 53:12Tom Segura?

  He can't be okay. He cannot be.

• 53:18Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 53:21Speaker 03

  Cause he thought he had it like three times.

• 53:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:24Speaker 03

  He's like, now I'm.

• 53:24Tom Segura?

  Now I'm good.

• 53:28Tom Segura?

  This was a, um.

• 53:30Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 53:31Tom Segura?

  What was this?

• 53:35Tom Segura?

  I mean, you don't have to tell us your vote. We know it's hilarious.

• 53:39Speaker 03

  I hope he's okay.

• 53:40Tom Segura?

  He's died.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  No, he didn't.

• 53:41Tom Segura?

  No, he's okay. He's okay. He's okay.

• 53:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's okay. He is okay.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  Watch people fall for hours.

• 53:51Tom Segura?

  Oh, the consensus online where that the last four rolls were for the camera.

• 53:56Speaker 03

  No.

• 53:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that like he didn't need to roll anymore, but he was just like, I'll just do a couple more.

• 54:04Speaker 03

  I think that, yeah.

• 54:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:07Speaker 03

  That last one was a little exaggerated.

• 54:09Tom Segura?

  It's been thirty rolls.

• 54:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, the first thirty five, a little totally warranted. Thirty seven stopped being a drama queen.

• 54:16Tom Segura?

  Are listening only, this man took a dirt bike up a very steep hill and tumbled all the way down. And literally it feels like, like he, he did like thirty plus flips.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  The comical, oh, Nick keeps going.

• 54:33Tom Segura?

  He is wearing head protection, right? I do.

• 54:35Speaker 03

  I think it's a helmet. Yeah. I thought he was wearing like.

• 54:38Tom Segura?

  I mean, I thought that lady was getting jerked off on the picture. I don't, I have to ask. I thought somebody was jerking the dick.

• 54:44Speaker 03

  It's clearly a baby holding a finger. And he's like, someone's getting cranked.

• 54:49Tom Segura?

  I still have my doubts. Okay. All right. Last one here. Let's see if this makes us laugh.

• 54:56Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:57Tom Segura?

  Or makes us wince. Here we go.

• 55:01Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 55:34Tom Segura?

  How is she laughing this hard?

• 55:38Tom Segura?

  How is Caitlin laughing this hard?

• 55:40Speaker 03

  It's horrible.

• 55:41Tom Segura?

  Horrible. I don't think I've seen you laugh this hard.

• 55:45Speaker 03

  Just the hurt in his eyes when he looked at her. How could you do this to me?

• 55:50Tom Segura?

  Could you break my arm?

• 55:51Speaker 03

  We all knew it was happening and I knew it was coming. And I was like, please God, no, please God, no. And then you hear it.

• 55:59Tom Segura?

  And there's, I like this too.

• 56:00Speaker 03

  Everyone just, oh no. And they like try and hold it and he looks up at her and he goes, why?

• 56:04Tom Segura?

  Why? Why'd you push it more?

• 56:06Speaker 03

  Why'd you do that?

• 56:08Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 56:09Speaker 03

  And she's holding his shield.

• 56:10Tom Segura?

  Can I tell you, this is like.

• 56:11Speaker 03

  And he's wearing a top hat.

• 56:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I only paid attention to the arms. You're right.

• 56:22Speaker 03

  He's sitting on a, a cowhide.

• 56:26Tom Segura?

  Put the shield down and there's that fake cobweb up the top there.

• 56:30Speaker 03

  Thing is real.

• 56:32Tom Segura?

  Oh fuck. And you helped, you helped to break my arm. Like, I may not have had it broken. And then your little extra push, I think is what did it.

• 56:42Speaker 03

  Just the silence and then the stare, like looking at her, you did this, this scrawny fuck never would have done it to me. Oh my God. Okay, that's hilarious. I'm sorry.

• 56:53Tom Segura?

  No, you, you, your vote, dude. This is no longer.

• 57:00Tom Segura?

  This isn't in the category anymore, but I just thought you might enjoy this. Imagine you're just home and your horse gets out and gets on your desk.

• 57:11Tom Segura?

  Right? And you're like, hey.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Oh no, the horse.

• 57:15Tom Segura?

  Just ruins your fucking office. You're like, people come in like, what the fuck happened in here? And you're like, my horse fucking came in here and just trampled everything. They're like, okay.

• 57:26Speaker 03

  You're like, sure.

• 57:28Tom Segura?

  Sure man.

• 57:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, your horse came in. We get it.

• 57:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, your horse.

• 57:33Speaker 03

  Are you drinking again?

• 57:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, exactly. You fucking booze bag.

• 57:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:39Speaker 03

  Oh, that is a good one. That's hilarious.

• 57:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, see?

• 57:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:42Tom Segura?

  That was great.

• 57:42Speaker 03

  Nice little palate cleanser.

• 57:44Tom Segura?

  Just so to recap, um, you found an old man, um, tumbling off of a scoot scoot to be very funny. You did not think a bus, a motorcycle flying through an exercise was funny. You did not think lightning strike was funny. You thought a man tumbling down a mountain was funny. And you really laughed super hard when you saw a man's arm get snapped at a restaurant.

• 58:09Tom Segura?

  At one of those, what are they called? The fucking.

• 58:12Speaker 03

  It's like a beer hall, like an Irish pub kind of.

• 58:14Tom Segura?

  No, but when people like.

• 58:16Speaker 03

  Oh, LARPing?

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  When they, uh, you know, when they usually have like, they're like, hold the fucking turkey leg and everyone, that's what it feels.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  Renaissance fair.

• 58:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, like a Ren fair thing. Yes.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, wearing a top hat.

• 58:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 03

  The top hat, the page boy hat, the woman in the maiden outfit with the shield.

• 58:32Tom Segura?

  The first thing he does when the paramedic comes, he just goes, like takes, like, he just takes it and puts it to the side. And he's like, I realize it's not time for that now.

• 58:44Speaker 03

  Ren fair is done.

• 58:45Tom Segura?

  It's over now.

• 58:46Speaker 03

  I am no longer Timothy. I am only Tim.

• 58:50Tom Segura?

  You just call me Tim, please.

• 58:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:53Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 58:54Speaker 03

  God, yeah, no, that was funny. I am what I am. I like it. I like a person.

• 58:59Tom Segura?

  You like it.

• 59:00Speaker 03

  Except when it's struck by lightning.

• 59:02Tom Segura?

  This next guy, we also have contact information for. You just tell us whether you're open.

• 59:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 59:09Tom Segura?

  Also, by the way, you gotta be open, right?

• 59:12Speaker 03

  I live my life open.

• 59:13Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 59:15Speaker 00

  Okay, I'm going to explain today how GPS actually works.

• 59:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 59:20Speaker 00

  As you know, we live on a flat earth, so putting satellites in orbit is just not possible. So what they do is.

• 59:30Tom Segura?

  Okay, um, it kind of cuts off there, but you get the idea.

• 59:33Speaker 03

  He cut it off?

• 59:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he accidentally.

• 59:35Speaker 03

  He's all thumbs.

• 59:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he hit the button on accident, but.

• 59:39Speaker 03

  And still posted it.

• 59:40Tom Segura?

  He did.

• 59:40Speaker 03

  I like that.

• 59:41Tom Segura?

  He still was like, you know what? There's enough here.

• 59:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:43Tom Segura?

  To engage the audience.

• 59:45Speaker 03

  They're gonna follow me to because, because they're curious.

• 59:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:47Speaker 03

  Yeah. I like that he is A, taking initiative.

• 59:51Tom Segura?

  I like it. Yep.

• 59:52Speaker 03

  B, he's good at crafts.

• 59:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:54Speaker 03

  Created a cool hat. And then C, he's trying to inform, he's trying to teach.

• 59:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:59Speaker 03

  He's trying to, I mean, let us know that the earth is flat.

• 1:00:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's like, um, yeah, I'm trying to look at if there's any flat earthers on the wall here. I don't know.

• 1:00:08Speaker 03

  Who are these people?

• 1:00:08Tom Segura?

  These are just cool guys.

• 1:00:10Speaker 03

  Okay. Cool. I think Bucket Hat's more of a flat earther over here.

• 1:00:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's Robert Paul Champagne. Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy. Um.

• 1:00:20Speaker 03

  So they all have names?

• 1:00:21Tom Segura?

  Most of them do, like this guy, again, I'll show a few to you and you can just tell me if any of them are of interest to you.

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  Is that guy Ben Bailey?

• 1:00:32Tom Segura?

  No, that guy is blind.

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:00:35Tom Segura?

  And he likes when people record their diarrhea.

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:00:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 03

  Pretty cool guy.

• 1:00:40Tom Segura?

  Pretty cool. Pretty cool.

• 1:00:42Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:00:43Speaker 00

  Okay, I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind. I've been honest and sincere.

• 1:00:49Tom Segura?

  Good.

• 1:00:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. I like to have some, right on my lips. I would like to have

• 1:00:58Speaker 00

  some titties right on my face. I would like to have some sex. I'd like to have a woman in my home.

• 1:01:07Speaker 00

  I'd like to make love to. I'm not like one of these young men or these little boys. They get theirselves off and then oops, they don't care about their partner. I'll make you come.

• 1:01:20Tom Segura?

  Ooh.

• 1:01:23Speaker 00

  Last lady, ten, fifteen times.

• 1:01:25Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  Before I even went boom once.

• 1:01:28Tom Segura?

  So anyway.

• 1:01:29Speaker 03

  What a guy.

• 1:01:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, right? And you know what I like about him is that he's very direct. There's no mystery.

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  What's not to like about this?

• 1:01:37Tom Segura?

  Right? He's watching the news. He's telling you about what a great lover he is.

• 1:01:42Speaker 03

  Calls it go boom?

• 1:01:43Tom Segura?

  Go boom. I went boom once. Yeah.

• 1:01:47Speaker 03

  I like him. I like he's, he is. And I think I made this exact video last week. Get it on Bumble.

• 1:01:54Speaker 03

  Got flagged immediately.

• 1:01:55Tom Segura?

  Immediately. Yeah. I'll make you come.

• 1:01:58Speaker 03

  I'll make you come. I don't think he will.

• 1:02:00Tom Segura?

  Thing to say in a video.

• 1:02:02Speaker 03

  And so close.

• 1:02:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 1:02:05Speaker 03

  Can I be my ringtone? Every time I get a text message, I'll make you come.

• 1:02:08Tom Segura?

  And they're like, excuse me?

• 1:02:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, some guys are really direct. You learn that.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  Why is it so close to the face? The last, all these, everyone over fifty, this right here.

• 1:02:20Tom Segura?

  Is a great observation. It's also the mark of a very cool guy.

• 1:02:23Speaker 03

  A very cool guy.

• 1:02:24Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:02:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:02:25Tom Segura?

  They go close, they go poor lighting.

• 1:02:27Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:02:28Tom Segura?

  They sometimes go underneath.

• 1:02:29Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:02:30Tom Segura?

  Which is never a flattering angle for anyone.

• 1:02:32Speaker 03

  The better.

• 1:02:33Tom Segura?

  Yes. Um, yeah, hold on.

• 1:02:35Speaker 03

  More is more.

• 1:02:37Tom Segura?

  More is more. Here we go. Um, here is a different, again, very direct.

• 1:02:42Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:02:43Speaker 00

  Hi, I'm with this brave.

• 1:02:46Speaker 00

  My name's John Lyu Shidman.

• 1:02:48Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:02:49Speaker 00

  I'm looking for girls for pussy.

• 1:02:52Speaker 00

  I love you pussy. If you're in a fat guy's, you're looking for some action, you live in Missouri.

• 1:03:00Speaker 03

  The whole state.

• 1:03:03Speaker 00

  Call me at one five seven.

• 1:03:06Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:03:07Speaker 00

  Text me at one six three.

• 1:03:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, two different numbers, different numbers. Ones for pussy texts and minus for calls.

• 1:03:15Speaker 03

  Good. He's, you got options. However, you prefer your communications to be open, this is how we do it.

• 1:03:21Tom Segura?

  I want to again restate, all of these are available for you. These are not, you do not have to just pick one. You, you can, you know.

• 1:03:30Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:03:31Tom Segura?

  We will put together a, uh, a PDF deck for you so you can reference.

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:03:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:38Speaker 03

  A PDF deck?

• 1:03:39Tom Segura?

  You know, a deck, like a, a, a document that has everyone's image.

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  I see, I see. Okay, got it.

• 1:03:45Tom Segura?

  So yeah, there's different, you know, I don't know what you're.

• 1:03:48Speaker 03

  No, I'm going for the no tooth mark. I believe his name was. For all y'all beautiful women. Yeah. You feel me? Just let me eat you one term. Just let me eat.

• 1:03:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  One time and you go, I guarantee you, you're gonna, you're gonna ask me to stay to your house. You go, you go sleep for three days, my baby.

• 1:04:09Tom Segura?

  Good, right?

• 1:04:09Speaker 03

  I don't have the time economy to hook up with this guy.

• 1:04:12Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 1:04:13Speaker 03

  Sleep for three days.

• 1:04:14Tom Segura?

  That's how good he is.

• 1:04:15Speaker 03

  I mean.

• 1:04:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's gonna, he does, also missing teeth.

• 1:04:18Speaker 03

  Oh, love it.

• 1:04:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so.

• 1:04:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, you can really whistle through that.

• 1:04:21Tom Segura?

  Now I feel like him and Pepsi Guy are in a side by side race, you know?

• 1:04:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I feel like Pepsi Guy just, he made, he made me laugh.

• 1:04:29Tom Segura?

  Yes, yeah.

• 1:04:30Speaker 03

  He made a, he made a joke.

• 1:04:31Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 1:04:32Speaker 03

  And he laughed, it was very endearing.

• 1:04:33Tom Segura?

  It's endearing, yeah.

• 1:04:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guess what? I'm with you a hundred percent.

• 1:04:36Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:04:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get with that ball. I'm gonna show you, I'm gonna make you cry. Ay yi yi!

• 1:04:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's making, he's making you laugh too.

• 1:04:45Speaker 03

  He's, he's coming back, he's coming back.

• 1:04:47Tom Segura?

  Do you know what, well, I'll just, I'll let him say it to you.

• 1:04:50Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:04:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, how y'all doing, baby girl? You got that apple? Ay yi yi! Yeah, I'm feeling it. Look at you. Y'all miss that ball? Huh? Well, guess what? I'm coming at your fat ass.

• 1:05:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  It doesn't matter if you got a big booty or a flat booty. I'm coming to get that booty.

• 1:05:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:05:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  And let me play with that new new. Yeah, baby.

• 1:05:21Speaker 03

  What's a new new?

• 1:05:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I want your feet too.

• 1:05:24Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:05:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, look, I wanna dig in your booty.

• 1:05:28Tom Segura?

  He wants to dig in your booty.

• 1:05:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ooh, that's some cush cush. Y'all know it was a banana split?

• 1:05:34Tom Segura?

  Do you know what a banana split is?

• 1:05:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, we gonna use your booty. I'm gonna hit the, I gotta, I gotta break it in half. You understand? And put some corn chips, smash that up there.

• 1:05:47Speaker 03

  Corn chips?

• 1:05:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, girl. I'm telling you, and, and put some pecan.

• 1:05:53Tom Segura?

  I don't want to say too much, but I feel like I can see that you're in love. I feel like I can see it.

• 1:05:59Speaker 03

  You saw the aubie?

• 1:05:59Tom Segura?

  I saw your eyes kind of jump out, yeah.

• 1:06:03Speaker 03

  What would corn chips in my ass feel like?

• 1:06:06Tom Segura?

  Or do you want?

• 1:06:07Speaker 03

  Can't be great.

• 1:06:07Tom Segura?

  Do you want somebody devoted, like, lovingly to you?

• 1:06:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:06:13Tom Segura?

  That leaves you messages in the morning? You know what I mean? Like, you wake up.

• 1:06:17Speaker 03

  No, I want someone to dig in that ass.

• 1:06:19Speaker 06

  Good morning, Julia.

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:06:21Speaker 06

  Me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi, wish you a great day, tell you that meeting you yesterday and getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean, just, you're gorgeous, you're precious.

• 1:06:42Speaker 06

  But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you wanna go back with your ex-boyfriend.

• 1:06:46Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:06:47Speaker 06

  Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know, cuz I've been there. And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex. But there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me. Open up your heart to me in your arms.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  Two takes? Two takes?

• 1:07:13Speaker 06

  Let's go full throttle.

• 1:07:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:07:14Speaker 06

  I could see me falling in love with you.

• 1:07:16Speaker 03

  Stop it.

• 1:07:17Speaker 06

  It just, I don't know, I just looked in your eyes and I just melt.

• 1:07:20Speaker 03

  This man's gonna wear your skin, Julia.

• 1:07:22Speaker 06

  I'm heading off to work. This is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything. Every square inch from crown molding to chair rail, to floors, to lighting, to plumbing, doors, windows. So this is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very handy guy and, uh, I'd love to build you whatever you want. You're a sweetheart. So I hope this video doesn't scare you.

• 1:07:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:48Speaker 06

  That's how I feel. I just want you to know that.

• 1:07:52Speaker 03

  Scared everyone.

• 1:07:53Tom Segura?

  It's, uh, it's time, Caitlin, who do you choose? We gave you ten eligible bachelors. And they're all ready and they're all actually in the next room if you wanna go ahead and just.

• 1:08:04Speaker 03

  Come on in, boys.

• 1:08:06Tom Segura?

  Pick whoever.

• 1:08:07Speaker 03

  Let me look at you, up and down.

• 1:08:10Tom Segura?

  Wouldn't this be a great game show? And to just have a single girl and ten fucking lunatics? You don't actually have to go out with them, but it would be fun to watch them court you. One of the, one of our super cool guys, we just found out, is getting out of, um, jail soon. And he gave us an update.

• 1:08:29Speaker 03

  Yeah?

• 1:08:29Tom Segura?

  Uh, his name is Tony Johns.

• 1:08:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:08:31Tom Segura?

  Um, he is, uh, the guy in this photo right here.

• 1:08:35Speaker 03

  Okay, wow.

• 1:08:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:37Speaker 03

  Look at that.

• 1:08:38Tom Segura?

  Yep, he's getting out of jail.

• 1:08:39Speaker 03

  What did he go to jail for?

• 1:08:41Tom Segura?

  I think domestic violence.

• 1:08:42Speaker 03

  Fun. Fun one.

• 1:08:44Tom Segura?

  He's done, he's done a lot of, um, we've featured him a lot on, on this show. And, um, I'm trying to think, like, here's one time, I guess, uh.

• 1:08:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ooh, just got out, baby, Solay County, let's go! Woo, we all party here. Eh, it's the weekend, baby, let's get it. Solay County, baby.

• 1:09:09Tom Segura?

  You know, he does.

• 1:09:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, like, deadass though, like, breakups are hard, don't get me wrong, ladies, ladies and gents, playboys and playgirls. Woo, breakups are hard, but you gotta realize.

• 1:09:22Tom Segura?

  You know, he, he's done a bunch of those, okay?

• 1:09:24Speaker 03

  Charisma is dripping.

• 1:09:26Tom Segura?

  He's got so much charisma.

• 1:09:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just wanna say, deadass, the reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow fucking weird thing? My ass is gonna be doing community service for the state of Utah. Woo, I got a DUI, baby.

• 1:09:44Speaker 03

  Oh, DUI, now we can have some fun.

• 1:09:47Tom Segura?

  That was, so that's an older one, okay? So the current update, I think, is from jail.

• 1:09:51Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:09:52Tom Segura?

  And, uh, for our longtime listeners, of course, you're, you're wondering, what's up with Tony John? Well, here you go.

• 1:09:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, what's going on, everybody?

• 1:10:00Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 1:10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the latest man here at the Hoover County Jailhouse out here in Auburn, New York. Just wanna let everybody know, I'm, I'm doing fine. I've made history, folks. Uh, I'm in here still on a domestic violence.

• 1:10:12Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:10:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've had it dropped from a felony to a misdemeanor.

• 1:10:16Tom Segura?

  Good.

• 1:10:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I will be leaving jail, uh, no papers, and I will be coming home next year on, uh, the 27th, February 27th. I just wanna say, you know, I appreciate all the love, all the support. Uh, please, guys, keep the donations coming. And, uh, just wanna let you know, I cannot wait to get out. Uh, I'm the first dude to do it. I got my drinky drinky here. I will be.

• 1:10:40Tom Segura?

  There's a couple of things I got questions about, Zolo. Um, he says, I'm making history and I'll be the first guy to do it. Uh, what is he referring to? Getting out of jail?

• 1:10:50Speaker 00

  Ay yi yi. Yeah, his sentence got shortened and I don't think he knows that that's ever happened before.

• 1:10:56Tom Segura?

  Oh, so he's like.

• 1:10:58Speaker 03

  He's just so likeable, that's what he thinks.

• 1:10:59Tom Segura?

  First guy ever to have their sentence shortened.

• 1:11:02Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:11:03Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:11:03Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:11:04Speaker 03

  Wow. What, what would it be like to live in that mind? If I had an ounce of that, like, I'm specialness, boy.

• 1:11:12Tom Segura?

  Well, there's more than that going on in that mind. Um, I don't think you'd be doing stand-up.

• 1:11:18Speaker 03

  No, no, no.

• 1:11:19Tom Segura?

  I, I, I do think you might be in some sort of facility.

• 1:11:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:24Speaker 03

  I would be, um, no, not great.

• 1:11:26Tom Segura?

  Let me ask you this.

• 1:11:27Speaker 03

  Tell me.

• 1:11:28Tom Segura?

  Of the guys that you saw, these fantastic potential suitors.

• 1:11:31Speaker 03

  Got it.

• 1:11:31Tom Segura?

  If you did have to go on a date.

• 1:11:34Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:11:34Tom Segura?

  With one, that's, you know, there's, there's, safety is there, like, you have.

• 1:11:39Speaker 03

  I'll have a bodyguard?

• 1:11:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's an armed guard.

• 1:11:41Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:11:42Tom Segura?

  Who would you go like, you know what, I'll have a, I'll have a meal with this person? Who would you go out with?

• 1:11:47Speaker 03

  I would go out, I was, you know what? I think it would be a date to remember if I went out with the flat-earther.

• 1:11:56Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:11:57Speaker 03

  Because.

• 1:11:58Tom Segura?

  And he gave us so little.

• 1:11:59Speaker 03

  He gave us so little.

• 1:12:00Tom Segura?

  But you're just intrigued.

• 1:12:01Speaker 03

  He, I wanna know.

• 1:12:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:03Speaker 03

  Give me the facts. He's wearing that, the stories are gonna be great.

• 1:12:06Tom Segura?

  He's wearing a tinfoil hat.

• 1:12:08Speaker 03

  He's wearing a tinfoil hat.

• 1:12:09Tom Segura?

  So he knows, he's self-aware.

• 1:12:10Speaker 03

  He's self-aware, he, he has, he has the facts.

• 1:12:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:14Speaker 03

  Quote unquote. And, uh, as long as I have a bodyguard right behind me, I would like to have a meal with that man and be like, go.

• 1:12:20Tom Segura?

  Go for it, yeah.

• 1:12:22Speaker 03

  Go for it. Tell me everything. That would be great.

• 1:12:24Tom Segura?

  The one thing about, uh, the.

• 1:12:25Speaker 03

  Or the, the grandpa that fell into the fucking pool.

• 1:12:29Tom Segura?

  He wasn't even on the.

• 1:12:30Speaker 03

  Oh, put him on the list.

• 1:12:32Tom Segura?

  Cuz you know what? He's willing to make, to do anything to make you laugh.

• 1:12:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:36Tom Segura?

  He's like, wouldn't it be crazy if I jumped off this stairwell? And you're like, yeah. He's like, will you laugh if I fall?

• 1:12:44Speaker 03

  And I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 1:12:46Tom Segura?

  But, okay.

• 1:12:47Speaker 03

  Laughing, they'll be like, "Should I call an ambulance?"

• 1:12:50Tom Segura?

  No. I do love that flat-earthers is like, as soon as they're explained the scientific evidence of how that isn't true, they just go, "Yeah, okay, you believe that." And you're like, "Well, what else do we have to do?" There's nothing else to do. It's kind of ni- it's all, it's that quality you're talking about that Tony has of like...

• 1:13:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's like, there's no change in your mind?

• 1:13:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:13Speaker 03

  So I may as well sit here and just try and do a little like, research.

• 1:13:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:17Speaker 03

  Teach me.

• 1:13:18Tom Segura?

  I think you might be the-

• 1:13:19Speaker 03

  Teach me why you are this.

• 1:13:20Tom Segura?

  You made a good choice because I think you're ultimately gonna be super entertained.

• 1:13:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:24Tom Segura?

  Which is like-

• 1:13:25Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:13:26Tom Segura?

  If you're not, you know.

• 1:13:27Speaker 03

  I had to do a two or three hour car ride with someone who believes in aliens.

• 1:13:32Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:13:33Speaker 03

  And that was honestly the best. I'm just going, and he's just telling me about the grays. And I'm like, "Yeah, tell me." And then I, and then I ask questions because I want to know.

• 1:13:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:43Speaker 03

  It's fascinating.

• 1:13:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I lived with someone like that. That's pretty crazy.

• 1:13:46Speaker 03

  We might be talking about the same person. It is a comic.

• 1:13:48Tom Segura?

  Okay, okay. Okay, I didn't know. I don't know.

• 1:13:53Speaker 03

  Mine was Dan St. Germain.

• 1:13:54Tom Segura?

  Really? He's big into that?

• 1:13:55Speaker 03

  Yeah. And he talks about it, I think. Yeah, he's pretty open about it. He'll talk to you about it.

• 1:14:00Tom Segura?

  Interesting.

• 1:14:00Speaker 03

  But, um, yeah. And he's got a lot of research. He talks to me about it.

• 1:14:04Tom Segura?

  Hey, they're out there, man.

• 1:14:06Speaker 03

  I think, I believe in aliens.

• 1:14:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:07Speaker 03

  I don't know that they're living in our ocean, but-

• 1:14:10Tom Segura?

  The, you know what? I heard the ocean theory, and to me, it's actually the most intriguing of the alien theories. And the reason why is we're always just like, "Oh, it's looking up there. They're coming from space. They're visiting." But then there's, there's like footage of things, but it's never that great. And, you know, you feel like more should be happening if they're visiting from the sky. But like, something like 90-plus percent of our oceans are unexplored.

• 1:14:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:41Tom Segura?

  And so the idea, at least conceptually, of alien life being here in the water and coming out, is actually kind of plausible.

• 1:14:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:51Tom Segura?

  And so it became like, I think it's one of the more fun theories of alien life.

• 1:14:56Speaker 03

  Well, Dan, you should call Dan.

• 1:14:57Tom Segura?

  All right. I'm in, Dan.

• 1:14:59Speaker 03

  Because, uh, he had, I mean, and he had so much information.

• 1:15:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. But, uh, it was, it makes sense.

• 1:15:06Tom Segura?

  Does he think Earth's flat?

• 1:15:07Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:15:07Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:15:07Speaker 03

  No, he does not.

• 1:15:08Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 1:15:09Speaker 03

  No, no, no. Yeah. No, no, no. It's all very-

• 1:15:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, once you start with that, nothing else-

• 1:15:12Speaker 03

  He's anchored in reality.

• 1:15:13Tom Segura?

  Okay, good.

• 1:15:14Speaker 03

  Okay, he's anchored in reality and has a lot of information about aliens.

• 1:15:17Tom Segura?

  That's great.

• 1:15:17Speaker 03

  Yeah. It was fun. It was, I genuinely enjoyed our car ride because I was like, "I've never heard this before."

• 1:15:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, tell me some shit, Dan.

• 1:15:23Speaker 03

  Tell me.

• 1:15:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:23Speaker 03

  I'm curious.

• 1:15:24Tom Segura?

  Entertain me.

• 1:15:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, and he did. He did a great job.

• 1:15:27Tom Segura?

  Good for, all right. Well, there you have it. Um, listen, you can see Caitlin on tour. Go to caitlinpeluffo.com for tickets. You can check out her special, Prosciutto Rose. Where is that available?

• 1:15:37Speaker 03

  YouTube.

• 1:15:38Tom Segura?

  On YouTube.

• 1:15:38Speaker 03

  YouTube.

• 1:15:39Tom Segura?

  Uh, on this, after this current tour, will you shoot another special?

• 1:15:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. I, uh, that's the goal.

• 1:15:46Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:15:47Speaker 03

  Um, I have a new hour on, uh, now.

• 1:15:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:50Speaker 03

  Uh, that I'm touring with.

• 1:15:51Tom Segura?

  Great.

• 1:15:52Speaker 03

  Um, so I'm trying to get that in tip-top shape, and then we're gonna see what we want to do with it.

• 1:15:56Tom Segura?

  That's awesome.

• 1:15:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:57Tom Segura?

  Um, it was a pleasure to watch you perform. It's, uh, it's fun to hang out with you. Thank you for coming in.

• 1:16:02Speaker 03

  Thank you for having me. This was so fun.

• 1:16:04Tom Segura?

  This is so fun. You're hilarious. Go, go see Caitlin on tour. Go see her when she comes to your town. Thank you for watching, listening. We'll see you next week.

• 1:16:13Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 1:16:13Speaker 06

  Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. You are so beautiful. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Mwah. I hope this video doesn't scare you. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe.

• 1:16:28Speaker 06

  Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. I will love you like you've never been loved before.

• 1:16:40Speaker 06

  Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe.

• 1:16:52Speaker 06

  Listen, it's been in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend. After you experienced me, you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is. Please erase them from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I could see me falling in love with you.

• 1:17:10Speaker 06

  Let's go full throttle.

• 1:17:15Speaker 06

  Full, full throttle.

• 1:17:19Speaker 06

  Full, full, full throttle. I like that.

• 1:17:27Speaker 06

  I like that.

• 1:17:29Speaker 06

  Full, full, full throttle. Good morning, Julia.

• 1:17:33Speaker 06

  I really like that. Good morning, Julia.

• 1:17:48Speaker 06

  Full, full, full throttle.

• 1:17:57Speaker 06

  Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe.

• 1:18:09Speaker 06

  Ciao, baby.

• 1:18:19Speaker 01

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