MATTHEW HUSSEY: LIVE A LIFE YOU LOVE

Build a life you LOVE, grounded in self-appreciation and personal fulfillment! To navigate these waters, I've enlisted the help of Matthew Hussey, a renowned love coach, New York Times bestselling author who is celebrated by millions worldwide through his impactful videos and seminars. Forget the search for external validation; today, we're focusing on the internal journey. This episode is your guide to embracing the beauty of your existence, nurturing a loving relationship with yourself, and cultivating a life filled with joy and satisfaction. If you've ever felt like you're searching for love in all the wrong places, you're in the right spot! In this episode, you’ll learn: The concept of RELATIONAL INTELLIGENCE and its critical role in all areas of your life. The journey to a healthier relationship with the most important person in your life: YOU. Practical strategies to shift your behavior and mindset towards a more fulfilling love life. Embracing contentment and finding happiness in what you already have. Viewing life through the lens of a VICTORY LAP, celebrating every moment. Understanding the layers of CONFIDENCE: Surface, Identity, and Core. A fresh take on SELF LOVE and its significance in how we connect with others. The crucial difference between liking and loving yourself, and why it matters. Handling life's inevitable disappointments with resilience and hope. The foundation of all external relationships begins with the one we have with ourselves. Our ability to adapt and grow not only enhances our personal happiness but also enriches our connections with those around us. Join us for an enlightening conversation that promises to change how you approach life, love and relationships Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

  So hey guys, are you frustrated with where you're at right now? Maybe stunted in your progress? Well, if you are, I want to recommend a place for you to go called Growth Day. GrowthDay.com/Ed. It is the number one personal development app on the planet. It's got all kinds of high-performance techniques in there. Courses, accountability, journaling, live speeches from some of the top influencers in the world, including me. It's an overall environment to change your life. GrowthDay.com/Ed. I hear so many small business owners say the exact same thing. They just never have enough time in the day. Well, I measure time differently. I've compressed, condensed, heck, I've bent time. My first day is 6:00 a.m. to noon. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6:00 p.m.

• 0:43Ed Mylett?

  And my third day, 6:00 p.m. to midnight. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, over a year, over five years, and my life's completely different than it would have been otherwise. And if you want to win as an entrepreneur, you have to compress your time too. And you definitely can't afford to waste it waiting weeks on a big bank for capital. Your best bet's to work with my friends at Cardiff. They know how to compress time for entrepreneurs. They get your business approved in minutes and funded the very same day. They're America's favorite small business lender, and for good reason. Over 20 years in business, over $12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to cardiff.co/Ed. That's cardiff.co/Ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding.

• 1:28Ed Mylett?

  Cardiff, borrow better.

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• 2:05Ed Mylett?

  This is the Ed Meyer Show.

• 2:09Ed Mylett?

  All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So the man sitting next to me here today is one of the really best people in all of the personal development thought leader space. I love him. He's brilliant. He works very hard at his craft, but he has a kindness off camera that will be reflected on camera today when you listen to him. I just want you to know the person you're going to listen to today is the same person on camera that he is off camera, and I'm a big believer in him. I believe he's one of the future people of this industry that are going to dominate it. He already is. He's got a new book out right now called Love Life that I read cover to cover in a day and a half, and I loved it, and I cannot wait to share this man's wisdom with you here today. So Matthew Hussey, welcome back to the show, brother.

• 2:50Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I don't know how to, I don't know how to respond to that intro. I appreciate it so much, Ed. I love spending time with you, and some of my favorite moments are where we get to hang.

• 3:00Ed Mylett?

  Me too, brother. I, I, I love you, and I just wish we had more of those moments. So here we go. It's interesting. I'm proud of your evolution. I'm watching you evolve, and by the way, you didn't need to, but just like most people that are growers, you've evolved. And so I always used to think this is the guy that's known on the planet Earth as probably the preeminent dating expert there is. But now you've evolved to where you're really, and not just a relationship, because this book is really about relationships more than it is anything else. But what struck me about you, I said this off camera, in the beginning of the book, you kind of admit in the beginning of the book that even though you were like this dating expert, you were probably not a very good guy to date. And so why don't we start right there? I just think that's an awesome place to start, so they, they see some of your vulnerability, too.

• 3:45Matthew Hussey?

  I think this book is about relational intelligence. That's the phrase I keep using, because it can be applied to all relationships, and we're all in relationships. I actually think we're all in, we're all in three different relationships for life. We're in relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise, you know? If you have a terrible relationship with a parent or a brother or a... You know, best friend or someone at work, that can ruin your life. So, you know, we're all in relation with other people. We're also in a relationship with life. And that relationship and how good your relationship is with that is going to determine how happy you are and you're in a relationship with yourself. So those are three relationships you can't get out of.

• 4:27Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 4:27Matthew Hussey?

  No matter what.

• 4:28Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 4:28Matthew Hussey?

  And how we manage those relationships is going to be the quality of our life. I, I suppose I started the book from a place of wanting to take myself off of any kind of pedestal that anyone could have put me on along the way.

• 4:44Ed Mylett?

  Mission accomplished, you did. No, you did.

• 4:48Matthew Hussey?

  Well, you know, for fifteen years, I've been working with people and, and, you know, for so much of that in their love lives, although I've, you know, I have a retreat every year that is much broader than people's love lives. But I became known for that and I really, it was, it was a difficult actually, reading comments along the way about what an amazing person I would be to date. And, you know, he must be the perfect person to date because he knows all this stuff. And it was a very, it used to make me more insecure because I'd think, these people don't know, they don't know that, you know, I have, am making mistakes, I am hurting people. I am hurting myself. I have not figured all of this out.

• 5:31Matthew Hussey?

  I'm, you know, there were pieces of it that I felt very confident talking about, but I also was figuring my own stuff out. You know, one of the big themes of this book is, are we chasing the right things?

• 5:43Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 5:44Matthew Hussey?

  In love and in life. And if you chase the wrong things, I remember my now wife, I, I started writing this book from a really, really tough place. I was heartbroken. And I, by the time I was doing the final edit of this book, I was doing it on my honeymoon. So it was really crazy.

• 6:00Ed Mylett?

  By the way, it was a nice, long honeymoon you had too, but go ahead.

• 6:03Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, my God, it was the best.

• 6:04Ed Mylett?

  Really, really good.

• 6:05Matthew Hussey?

  But it, but you know, I, I, I realized that.

• 6:11Matthew Hussey?

  I was chasing a lot of the wrong things for a long time. And that was continuously leading me to pain. And there were blind spots I had about things that I hadn't worked on in myself, things I hadn't healed in myself that, you know, were showing up as pain, but not awareness. I didn't know what was going on. I just knew something's not, something's off with me in the way that I'm going after things or the way that I'm falling in love or the way that I'm dating that's leading me to pain. And so what became really, really interesting to me, not just for other people, but for myself, was what, what are the deeper patterns that are happening with me?

• 6:52Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 6:52Matthew Hussey?

  That keep leading me into either pain for myself, pain for other people, or frankly, some form of kind of chaos in my life that I then have to put back together.

• 7:04Ed Mylett?

  Yeah. What did you uncover about you? So you, because this, the most fascinating topic of the three relationships to me is the relationship with yourself, to me, the three that you listed. Because I, I'm constantly evaluating that with myself, even at fifty-two years old. What did you, what did you figure out about yourself that was going on in the relationship with you?

• 7:25Matthew Hussey?

  I, there's a, there's a chapter in the book called Never Satisfied. And I really love this chapter because I think it speaks to so many of us. And there was always a, there's a line in Hamilton where, you know, he's speaking to one of the Shiler sisters. And, you know, he says, "You're like me, you're never satisfied." And she says, "Is that right?" And he says, "I've never been satisfied." And I remember what kind of identifying with that and thinking, well, something's always, I'm, I'm never really at peace. I'm always chase, I'm chasing after something that is exciting.

• 8:06Matthew Hussey?

  And causes me chaos or stress or hurt, you know, or breaks my heart. Or I'm, or I'm with someone who doesn't excite me or with someone who doesn't make me feel the things that I wanna feel that clearly adores me. And if I could just make myself feel more, I would be so happy, but I can't seem to make myself feel more in this situation. And I would observe patterns like that in my life. And I think this is a very common one that so many people fall into and they go, what is going on? I can't ever seem to find the sweet spot.

• 8:41Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 8:42Matthew Hussey?

  And, and so that was a key pattern. I think I dated like an addict. I think I was a kind of like chasing highs and the excitement of dating and the excitement of, you know, of romance or intimacy or, and, and, you know, even after you realize it's not working, you still have, you, you can realize something's not good for you or good for other people, but you don't necessarily have the tools to change the behavior.

• 9:12Ed Mylett?

  You're right.

• 9:12Matthew Hussey?

  Right? So it took me time to understand, oh, there's a kind of, you know, I, I have to find a way to rewire my brain to want different things.

• 9:21Ed Mylett?

  You're on, you're on to something I'm obsessed with right now, which is that our space, whatever we wanna call it, we have different, you know, seats in the space of personal development or self-help or thought leader, influence, whatever you wanna call it, right? You're obviously one of the biggest ones. And, but one of them is, we're always growing and changing and evolving. But I wonder like, where's the space where like what you have is enough and okay? Do you know what I mean? Like, I, I find myself like, it's almost like I'm violating a rule if I just really enjoy what I have and I don't want more. I don't want the next thing. So there's like this chase for the next level, the chase for how many books you can sell, how many followers you can get, the chase for how much money you can have, the chase for the next house.

• 10:04Ed Mylett?

  In your case, the chase for the next date, the excitement of the new. And can I be equally happy and excited with the familiar? Because we're constantly taught in this space to kind of move away from where we are theoretically. Does that make sense what I'm asking?

• 10:18Matthew Hussey?

  Of course, and by the way, if you apply a classically kind of optimization mindset to dating, you never choose anyone.

• 10:30Ed Mylett?

  True.

• 10:30Matthew Hussey?

  Because you constantly, you're looking for what's wrong and how could I optimize to get, you know, well, this person has ninety percent of what I want, but they're still missing this one thing. And maybe I could get someone who's ninety-two percent of what I want and so on. And you can go through life like that and I, and then by the way, when you're that person and you label it like, well, it's a kind of Taipei thing. I'm, I never want to settle. I'm not going to settle for something that's not amazing. But the relationships require you at some point not to settle for something, but to settle on something. And there's a big difference between those two things. Because when you, when you settle for something, it's like telling yourself, I got shortchanged somehow, and no one wants to be shortchanged. No one wants to get the worst end of the bargain.

• 11:11Matthew Hussey?

  But if you settle on something, it's a resolution that I'm going to make this as incredible as it can possibly be, and that's the thing that's going to make it special. But I see, I, so for me, it was a huge mindset shift. And, and I think that never making that mindset shift makes a lot of people incredibly unhappy. Because nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. I, you know, if Audrey, my wife, was looking for, for perfect, she would have been really disappointed from day one. So it's, but you're, what you're speaking about there is something I am endlessly, I think about all the time. Because, and I even wrote a chapter of the book called Happy Enough.

• 11:56Matthew Hussey?

  And the reason I wrote that is because, and by the way, me, six years ago, seven years ago, maybe even five years ago, I would have hated that as a chapter name.

• 12:08Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 12:08Matthew Hussey?

  I would have been like, that is such a,

• 12:10Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 12:11Matthew Hussey?

  There's such a cop out, such a, like settling by another name.

• 12:15Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 12:16Matthew Hussey?

  Happy enough has become like my favorite phrase in the world.

• 12:19Ed Mylett?

  I love that.

• 12:20Matthew Hussey?

  Because it's from.

• 12:23Matthew Hussey?

  Happy enough is not a bad place to be. Happy enough is saying, I'm happy enough with where I am that I really feel like I can go and take big risks. I can go and take big swings in any part of my life because my life already is enough. So if this doesn't pan out, this doesn't happen, what I already have is enough for me. And, and it's, you know, we're so focused, especially in the self-development world. There's a lot of focus on like, can't stay here. It's too bad. I'm gonna win because I have to and because I. And, and actually, there's a real power in saying, if nothing changed, I'd still be okay.

• 13:05Ed Mylett?

  I love that.

• 13:06Matthew Hussey?

  And therefore, I can go and take a big swing because I already have enough. And the opposite to that, by the way, are the people that I see that are the least happy in the world. And that's not the happy enough crowd, that's the never enough crowd.

• 13:19Ed Mylett?

  You're right.

• 13:19Matthew Hussey?

  And the never enough crowd, that's a, that's a dangerous place to be. And I see it, you and I see it all the time because we, you know, it's natural. When you're in circles of ambitious people and people who are trying to make things happen in their life, it's hard to step out of the gear of making things happen all the time and say, well, at what point do I find contentment where I am? It's a very difficult thing to negotiate.

• 13:44Ed Mylett?

  What we're doing right now is one of the most important conversations that needs to take place on a bigger and broader scale the next five to eight years in our world, in our culture. I, all the time, I'm obsessed with it. You and I have our, our friends that we're all going for. You've got a new book out and we want this book to do well. But it's totally different that when I get there, I'll be happier than, instead of saying, I'm okay if it doesn't. Things are great right now. There's this great clip that I've watched about 3,000 times of Jim Carrey on Instagram. I don't think he's seen this clip, but he says, he's in an interview, I'm paraphrasing, I'll probably mess it up, but it was, it's how it affected me. He says, I'm gonna say something you probably never heard an actor say in your life. And the guy goes, what? He goes, I've had enough. I've made enough movies. I've got enough awards.

• 14:29Ed Mylett?

  I've got enough attention. I've got enough money. I have enough. And it's okay. And he goes, you know what? I wanna paint now. I wanna spend some time. And he goes these other things. And I just, even when he said it, I breathed like, oh, like, he almost gave me permission to feel that way. And at the same time, maybe he will eventually go make another movie. But not because he thinks he has to for the next chase.

• 14:52Matthew Hussey?

  It'll be, it'll be coming from the right place of intention. And, and, and I'm sure that that spoke to you as it does to me because it speaks to some kind of truth in us.

• 15:05Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 15:05Matthew Hussey?

  That wants to get out and wants to be acknowledged and,

• 15:11Matthew Hussey?

  and it's, and it's, we do breathe this sigh of relief when someone comes along and says that.

• 15:16Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 15:16Matthew Hussey?

  And, and look, it's, let me tell you something, Ed. I, when I was writing this book, I, I, I had very, very different phases writing this book. There was the panic phase of, oh, I'm behind. I'm behind, I'm in trouble, I'm not gonna make deadline. And then when I, I realized I was behind, I went back to, I went to England for a month. And I was living at my mom's house with Audrey, my wife. And this was before we were married, actually. And I was there for a month and every morning I'd wake up and the, if you're doing a lot of business with America, the UK time zone's quite nice because you get like five to eight hours before anyone is even awake and bothers you. So in those hours, I just sat and I, I wrote without anyone distracting me.

• 16:00Matthew Hussey?

  I, I, I put my phone away. I literally put my phone in a drawer. I didn't touch it from the moment I woke up till about 1:00 PM in the afternoon. And I would just sit in this room and write and grab a coffee and go back and write some more. And I started to find myself over the course of this month, become happier and happier and happier. And I felt so calm.

• 16:24Matthew Hussey?

  And I really, it was like almost, it became an emotional thing for me. I was like, oh my God, I feel like I've been released from some kind of tension and treadmill. And writing itself, for me at least, and everyone has some activity like this, when I lose myself in it. It becomes a kind of meditation and then at the end of an hour or two or three, I get this kind of euphoria and this calm of feeling connected again and feeling like I've somehow lost myself in the richness of life and what's what really matters. And in that moment, I can tell you, Ed, I don't care what I'm achieving. I don't care what is happening in my business. I don't care.

• 17:05Matthew Hussey?

  All I cared about was I feel like I just did something really meaningful for the last two hours.

• 17:13Ed Mylett?

  So, hey, guys, as you know, I've partnered up with my good friend Brennan Burchard, who's created the greatest personal development system that has ever been designed called Growth Day. There's everything from journaling to accountability programs, live messages every Monday for myself and other influencers. There's an opportunity for you to get courses that would cost thousands of dollars completely for free. It's incredible. Go to growthday.com/Ed and check it out.

• 17:38Ed Mylett?

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• 18:21Ed Mylett?

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• 19:05Ed Mylett?

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• 19:43Matthew Hussey?

  Now let me tell you about where I am right now. The book got written. Everyone's really happy with it. I'm really excited about it. I'm extremely proud of it. The publishers are happy. And then, of course, as you know, as well as anyone, everyone says, right, time to get out there.

• 20:00Ed Mylett?

  Now you're on the deal. Yep.

• 20:02Matthew Hussey?

  And it has sort of screwed up my calm. And it has put me back, you know, I'm now having to negotiate this tension between, and I'm an introvert too. So for me, my phone blowing up with messages all the time and connecting with people and talking to people about doing their podcasts and this, that and the other. It's not my natural state. You know, some people are like that. They're just like, you know, they, that's not my natural state where I'm happy. And, but I'm in it and, and it feels like a much more anxious and frenetic state and pace. And it's all about numbers and how many books you sell and, you know,

• 20:44Matthew Hussey?

  wanting to hit the New York Times list and all of the stuff that we all get told during that phase that is important to do. And And I found myself in a moment, just like suddenly this, I kept telling myself, when this book gets written, it's gonna be such a joyful thing, because I'm so proud of it. It's gonna be so joyful to go out and talk about this thing, because I'm truly, truly, it's one of the pieces of work I'm most proud of in my life. And I know it's gonna help people. And I lost touch for a moment in the last few weeks, because I

• 21:15Ed Mylett?

  Good.

• 21:15Matthew Hussey?

  I started to feel like I'm, you know, God, I'm in this anxious kind of like, now I'm wanting it to do well, and all of a sudden, I'm in that phase of it. And someone said to me, Matt, someone who's been with me through the whole process, said to me, you've worked so hard on this, and you've put so much of your energy and your soul and your heart into it. This is a victory lap.

• 21:37Ed Mylett?

  There you go.

• 21:38Matthew Hussey?

  You should be enjoying this part. This is a victory lap. You're gonna get to go and talk about this thing that you really care about. And I'm saying this, I guess, you're the, you're the first podcast I'm recording of like, a bunch of different things I'm gonna be doing, and TV and press and all of that. And I guess maybe I'm voicing it out loud, because I wanna set the intention.

• 21:57Ed Mylett?

  I do, I want you to have it too.

• 21:58Matthew Hussey?

  I just wanna enjoy this, and I don't wanna lose, so much of the message of this book is about being connected. And it's really easy, you know, we, we shield ourselves, and this is the reality, life doesn't allow you the perfect setup for you to feel calm and happy. It doesn't say to you, we're gonna give you the perfect time zone, and you're gonna have to, you're gonna get to not check your messages until 1pm, and you're gonna, you know, life comes along and says, how robust are you? Can, can these things, but, meet with real life and all of the things that happen in a life, and all of the disappointments, and the headaches, and the challenges?

• 22:38Matthew Hussey?

  And can you still maintain at least some of that stuff that you really enjoy? And, and I'm, you know, that's something I'm practicing in real time right now.

• 22:48Ed Mylett?

  Please remember that, because it's interesting. You ever meet someone who's had like a near-death experience, or they've survived cancer or something? They live their life like it's a victory lap. I'm on a victory lap. And so, one of the things I've reminded myself, I was telling my kids, this not that long ago, I didn't use that term, but I'll use your term. Life's a victory lap. We're just running up the score. You know what I mean? Like, and if you can approach your life that way, you know, when I, because I do the show, so, you know, half the guests at least have a book, usually. By the way, when you're listening to it now, probably it'll be pre-ordered, so you can go preorder Matthew's book right now. By the way, let me help him sell some books right now.

• 23:21Matthew Hussey?

  Sure. The link for that is love life book dot com.

• 23:24Ed Mylett?

  There you go. Get that in there. Love life book dot com. And, um, but I have to tell you, like, I, I sometimes feel sympathy for a lot of my guests because they're in that treadmill when they're sitting in that seat. You know, they're in that, huh, I gotta make the times, I gotta sell this, I gotta do that. I'm like, you know, and I know it because I did it, right? And I've avowed, I'm, I'm in the middle of writing my next book and I'm like, I am not doing that next time.

• 23:46Matthew Hussey?

  How will you prevent yourself from doing that next time? I'm curious.

• 23:49Ed Mylett?

  I, I actually think the next time, um, well, I teach this with my athletes, the people that I coach, I have goals, but then I separate from outcome. Wayne Dyer taught me that. So, once you've executed the work, right? Now just, you have a goal to make a list, there's nothing wrong with that, but then emotionally separate from the outcome of it. It's the same thing even like on a first date, I think. I think it's appropriate to be excited about the first date and have a goal, I would love this to work out. But then separate from the outcome. Just let it be, right? And so for me, it'll just be reminding myself to separate from the outcome. And also, it sounds morbid. But this isn't going to matter on my deathbed, one way or the other. And so it gives you perspective. Keep forcing perspective on yourself and your life. So, but I think the other thing that you've established, you talk about this in the book too, that I want to talk about. This requires confidence.

• 24:35Ed Mylett?

  In order to make these choices requires coming from a place of confidence, in my opinion. And you talk about three levels of confidence. This is awesome stuff right here. So could you give them the gift of that?

• 24:46Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I always think that confidence is this sort of oversimplified umbrella word for all sorts of different things that don't necessarily have a lot to do with each other. To me, I, I needed a kind of unifying model for confidence. I'm a hyper rational person. I, if someone's speaking and the, the thing that they say about self-worth contradicts the thing they said three sentences ago, I'm like, I, you've lost me.

• 25:09Ed Mylett?

  Yep, me too.

• 25:10Matthew Hussey?

  I looked at, I, I, I developed a model for confidence that, that said, okay, there's the surface level, which is level one. And, and that's how we portray ourselves and how we're perceived, based on the way we walk, talk and act. Hours and hours of content on that alone, but we all know what we're talking about when we say someone looks confident on the surface. Yes. Then there's the identity level of confidence. Okay. And this we might think of as the legs under the table. That underpins the confidence so that the moment it's tested, it doesn't just fall apart. And and that's, you know, there are plenty of people that have bravado that the moment it's tested.

• 25:56Matthew Hussey?

  It disintegrates, you know, you have a hard, someone has a hard conversation with you and all of a sudden. You, it goes, goes apart, falls apart. The identity level is, I like, I like to think of the identity level as everything that we use as a source of confidence in our lives. And they can be many. It can be the skills we have. It can be the life we've set up for ourselves. It could be the relationships that we have. It could be the family support system we have. The contacts that we have, for some people, it might be the fact that they feel like they're well traveled. Yeah. Uh, or that they have, they know three languages or they can play an instrument or or they're a very good conversationalist.

• 26:38Matthew Hussey?

  We all have these things that create what I call identity confidence. And I think of that as a kind of matrix with a bunch of squares in it, like a tic tac toe box. And inside are all these different things that give you confidence. And no one's matrix looks uniform where all the squares are the same. In reality, what happens is we come to identify, and some would say over identify, with certain aspects of our life that give us confidence. You know, why is it that in a recession, someone who wasn't going to starve?

• 27:17Matthew Hussey?

  Decides that they they need to end it all. Why why it's because it's not because they lost all their money. It's because they lost their identity. Wow, yes. And it the same can be true of a relationship. You know, we someone comes out of a marriage. Well, maybe they fought so hard for that marriage for so many years that they lost themselves. They lost all the things that made them them, all the things they enjoyed doing, all of the hobbies, the friendships, the close relationships. And they just poured themselves into this marriage. And then when divorce happens, that was the giant square of their matrix. And anything else in their life had been reduced to these tiny little squares around it. And so when they lose this square, it's not that you lost a marriage. It's that you lost your identity.

• 28:02Matthew Hussey?

  It's not the death of a part of your life. It feels like the death of your soul. And so in that moment, people feel like I I can't survive. When when we lose our identity in that way, it's terrifying for us. You can get the same thing with a bodybuilder who gets injured and all of a sudden they can't train. And that they they'd made that ninety percent of their matrix was their ability to define and sculpt their body. And now life doesn't can't be about that because they're injured. So all of a sudden, life has to become about something else. So that's the identity level. That's level two. And what I always say to people on that level is you you have to look at the way your matrix is engineered right now and say, where am I exposed? Hmm.

• 28:47Matthew Hussey?

  Because the and if you want to know where you're exposed, ask yourself, what area of my life, if I lost it, has the potential to destroy my confidence? Wow. And that will allow you to go, where do I need to diversify? Where I get my confidence from? And and, you know, of course, the the areas where we identify with the most, they tend to be the things that we use for validation or the things that we think are the most important in life. And I always say our validations become our mutations. You know, if you if you get really good in business and you keep making more money and making more money and making more money and everyone rewards you for that. It's really easy to let everything else fall by the wayside. But now you've got, you know, a parent who spends no time with their kids because it's like,

• 29:31Matthew Hussey?

  this is the big part of my matrix that I need to keep feeding. And it's scary to to diversify. It it when you diversify, you go you go back to being a toddler in a new area until it becomes a source of confidence. You know, you could have someone who's incredibly, you know, their sarcasm, which they call their wit, may be a huge part of their matrix. If you say to someone, hey, look, this sarcasm is getting in the way of your relationships because it there's a time when sincerity is called for and people are not going deep with you because you have you throw too many barbed comments in in a conversation and no one feels like they really get to connect with you. It would really behoove you to start having more sincere conversations. Well, you have a problem here.

• 30:14Matthew Hussey?

  This person has been using this sarcasm probably their whole life. And if they're going to suddenly switch to a different style of speaking to people or conversation, well, that that was working for them in many ways. It was a, you know, it made them feel witty. It gave them power in conversations. It made them feel like they knew how to handle difficult people. It made them know how to break a silence. If you take all of that away, they're back to being a toddler in conversation who doesn't know how to walk yet. And that's OK, but we're we we are we hate having to go back to suck at something. You're right. And that inability to go back and and be bad at something

• 30:55Matthew Hussey?

  so that we can actually build it as another source of confidence and diversify is crucial. So all of that is happening at the identity level. But people in, there will be no shortage of people in mindfulness circles who will say, all identification is the problem. Like that that identity level right there is the problem in itself is that we identify. I identify as being great in business. I identify as being someone who is a, you know, always there for people. Athlete, pro athlete. Yeah, this identification is the source of your unhappiness and you have to stop identifying and create space between.

• 31:38Matthew Hussey?

  The, the, your consciousness and the identification that have become one. I, I think that's, I, I'm, I'm a big fan of all of that material, but I also know that every day we are facing out to meet the world and we have to decide how to spend our time. And if you can spend your time and allocate your energy in ways that diversify your confidence on the identity level, it still makes sense to. You just have to know that anything on the identity level will still leave you vulnerable ultimately. Cause friends can leave, relationships can end, your health can go away, you can get injured, your business can go under, anything can happen at any point that will rock you in that moment.

• 32:23Matthew Hussey?

  Having diverse sources of confidence can help you manage those moments where you get rocked. But you can get rocked on that level all the same and God forbid four or five big areas for you go down at the same time. Now you've, you've got a confidence crisis and that has to be solved at the deepest level of confidence, which is level three. And that's core confidence and core confidence is if, if, if surface level confidence is the relationship that is, is the way that other people see you. Core confidence is the way you see yourself. And this is the cliche about what I call core confidence and the way other people talk about this kind of

• 33:04Matthew Hussey?

  depth of confidence, the cliche is that you have to learn how to love yourself. And that sentence there, I think is the beginning of all sorts of trouble and inadequacy that people get themselves into. I think that this concept of self-love that we have.

• 33:23Ed Mylett?

  You say it needs a rebranding.

• 33:25Matthew Hussey?

  It needs a huge rebranding.

• 33:27Ed Mylett?

  In what sense? By the way, can I just interject one thing? Um, what you're doing here is magic and profound. What you just did on these three levels of confidence, that's cutting edge work right there.

• 33:37Matthew Hussey?

  Thank you.

• 33:38Ed Mylett?

  It's outstanding work, like stamp of approval, awesome. As is this next thing you're gonna talk about, which this, by the way, this core confidence is huge. But also this idea that self-love needs a rebranding, told you, I read every word of the book, so let's talk a little bit about that.

• 33:53Matthew Hussey?

  I'm honored, I'm honored that you spent the time. I, I, I know.

• 34:00Matthew Hussey?

  This area intimately because I struggled with it for so much of my life.

• 34:04Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 34:05Matthew Hussey?

  This idea of loving yourself.

• 34:08Matthew Hussey?

  It's become a kind of bumper sticker.

• 34:09Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 34:10Matthew Hussey?

  Instagram meme.

• 34:11Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 34:12Matthew Hussey?

  And I don't think, I think so much of the advice out there is so unhelpful. And that's not me knocking the people giving the advice. I just think that, again, I'm a hyper rational person. I, something needs to be bulletproof in its logic.

• 34:27Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 34:27Matthew Hussey?

  For me to be able to take it on board. And whenever I would hear about self-love, I would go, well, why, okay, then, why should you love yourself?

• 34:36Matthew Hussey?

  And people would come up with answers like, well, because you're, you're, you know, kind. And because you're loving and because you're, you know, an amazing human being and because you're always there for people and because you work so hard and. And, and to me, that would always, in a way, keep taking it back up to the identity level.

• 34:54Ed Mylett?

  True.

• 34:55Matthew Hussey?

  Because it was like, you're, what you're listing about, if I, if you're giving those as reasons I should love myself. It's like you're listing all these traits.

• 35:02Ed Mylett?

  You're right.

• 35:02Matthew Hussey?

  Like I'm a top Trump card. I don't know if you have a version of that in America. Top, like, like I'm a card that, like, these are all the attributes. And because I score kindness at a nine out of 10. That's why I should love myself. And, and I, and then I was like. But then what about days where I'm not kind? What about days where I'm selfish? What about times in my life where I screw up? What about times where I don't work hard, where I feel lazy? What are, are you saying I'm not lovable on those days? But I'm lovable on the others? And then people would go, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not like that. It's, and I go, well, then why should I love myself? If it's not based on those things. And those things are really just another version of, I love you because you get straight A's.

• 35:44Ed Mylett?

  That's right. I was literally just gonna say that. If you bring home the report card, we love you.

• 35:48Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly.

• 35:48Ed Mylett?

  I was literally just gonna say that.

• 35:52Ed Mylett?

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• 36:36Ed Mylett?

  Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com/ed for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash ed. So you know, I've been trying to take my health and my morning routine to the next level. And I used to do a whole bunch of different stuff, tons of different supplements. And then I found all-in-one in a drink with IM8. IM8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine, finally, once and for all. 16 supplements replaced 90 ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink. You can have all these supplements for $2.61 a day. I've changed my mornings. The whole IM8 routine has changed my mornings.

• 37:20Ed Mylett?

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• 37:55Matthew Hussey?

  So I was like, how do we get out of this system we have for ourselves? And by the way, the way they're saying it is also a reflection of what they're doing to themselves and the way they're judging themselves. So how do we get out of this report card system? And by the way, those things might be why you're proud of yourself.

• 38:10Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 38:11Matthew Hussey?

  But, but if you're talking about a bulletproof recipe for self-love, then you can't be talking about attributes that I have on my best day and not my worst day. Because then you're saying I'm not lovable half the time, or I'm not lovable the times when I do wrong. And by the way, the time I'm in need of self-love the most

• 38:30Ed Mylett?

  Is all those days.

• 38:30Matthew Hussey?

  When I'm doing everything wrong. And when I've screwed up and when I feel shame and I'm judging myself and hating myself because I've hurt someone or because I've made a mistake that's hurt me. Because I've done things in my life that I'm like, oh, I really damaged my life with that mistake. Oh, I've really hurt myself with that mistake. I can never go back from that. And I've spent years beating myself up about mistakes. So I went, I need a, I need a better recipe for self-love than this. And I had to start looking for other models.

• 39:02Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 39:03Matthew Hussey?

  Now, if you look to the romantic model for love, that doesn't work for self-love. The romantic model for love is, you know, you fall for someone, right? And Esther Perel puts it beautifully in her work, you know, The Difference Between Love and Desire. That, that love is the coming together of two people. But desire, that thing that makes you want to fall in love with someone, that exists in the space between two people. You need space for there to be desire. Love wants to bring you together, space needs room to breathe. Right, so, and by the way, the inverse of that is the saying familiarity breeds contempt. So. If you look at the relationship with yourself,

• 39:47Matthew Hussey?

  the one where you've spent every waking moment of that in that relationship your entire life, since the day you were born, you've been with yourself. What relationship are you more familiar with than that? There is no room for desire with yourself. So

• 40:06Ed Mylett?

  The romantic model doesn't work.

• 40:08Matthew Hussey?

  The romantic model doesn't work, and that's why we have, I believe that's why we have so much contempt for ourselves, because who are we more familiar with? So I said, okay, the romantic, we're not narcissists. We can't look in a pool of water and instantly just fall in love with ourselves, right? That's what happened with narcissists in Greek mythology. For us, we're like, we look in the mirror every day and we're like, I hate myself. I can't get myself to love myself. What are you talking about? I barely like myself, let alone love myself. So, okay, romantic model doesn't work. What could work? Or what if we could look at other places in life where there was a different kind of model for love? What would it be? I started looking at the parent-child relationship and saying, if you ask a parent why they love their child,

• 40:52Matthew Hussey?

  how many, maybe some would, but how many parents as a percentage would start reeling off qualities of their kid? If you said, why do you love your kid? How many of them would go, well, because they get straight A's and because they're kind and because they're loving and because they're... If you ask most parents why you love your kid, they go, because it's my kid.

• 41:13Matthew Hussey?

  They give you like a strange expression.

• 41:15Ed Mylett?

  It's unconditional. There's no condition to their performance on straight A's.

• 41:19Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, they're mine. What do you mean? It's my kid. That for me held a clue.

• 41:25Ed Mylett?

  What's the clue?

• 41:27Matthew Hussey?

  That there are people in this life that we love for no other reason than they're ours. I feel the same way about my brothers. On their worst days, you ask me why I love my brothers, I'm like, because they're my brothers. Now, not everyone feels like that about sibling, but it's common in the parent-child relationship. You can find it in other places too. You can find it in the child and the stuffed toy relationship. Tell a child to get rid of the stuffed toy because you've got a better looking one. I've got one that hasn't got fluff coming out the seams. That child will be like, what are you talking about? That's my rabbit.

• 41:55Ed Mylett?

  It's true. It sounds crazy, but I'm thinking of my dogs. I know that sounds crazy.

• 41:59Matthew Hussey?

  No, the dog is the perfect example. You can walk down the street and see someone walking the ugliest, scragliest, mangiest dog and try walking up to that dog owner and saying, I've got a more stately, beautiful dog for you if you want to swap. They'll be like, what are you talking about? This is my doc. So, so now imagine something. This is the part that changed my life.

• 42:24Matthew Hussey?

  What if when someone said to us? What if someone said to you, Ed, why do you love yourself? And instead of going to any of those traits or things you do on your best days or things you make think make you unique or special or all of that, because all of that is just another way to judge yourself when you find someone who's better. You're right. What if instead, someone said, Ed, why do you love yourself? And you said, what do you mean? Because I'm mine. I'm mine. I've, I'm my human. Think of it this way. Out of eight billion people on this earth,

• 43:00Matthew Hussey?

  you're the only person that's there to truly take care of this human. There's no one else. I think of it like our parents, whether they did a good job or not is irrelevant. They just had the responsibility for keeping us alive until a point where it was like, over to you. This is your job. Your, your job is to take care of this one human. And I, I sometimes think of it like The Lion King when Simba leaves the pride. I think of it like he left himself. Like he, the pride is him. It's his job to look after the pride.

• 43:38Matthew Hussey?

  The, the pride is you. You're, you're the one human that you have been given to take care of. Nothing else is certain. You just, the one thing you must do in this life is take care of this one human that you've had since the beginning. And, and anytime I'm being horrible to myself, beating myself up, anytime I'm telling myself I'm not good enough, I go, Matt, what's wrong with you? You had one job. You had one job. Take care of this human. And by the way, in the, through that lens, comparing ourselves in, because this is what makes us not like ourselves. It's comparison. I'm comparing myself to this person, this person, this person. They've got more than me. They're better looking than me. They're more intelligent than me. They're whatever.

• 44:23Matthew Hussey?

  Comparison makes no sense through that lens because you realize it's irrelevant. I can't exchange my human.

• 44:29Ed Mylett?

  Yes, right, you're right.

• 44:31Matthew Hussey?

  I can't swap my human out for another human. I got given a human.

• 44:35Ed Mylett?

  It's me.

• 44:36Matthew Hussey?

  Right, my only job is how happy can I make this human? And if I was treating it like that, like it was my job. It's not, I don't have to love myself as a noun, I have to love myself as a verb. It's my job to love this human. That changes everything because here's the big part that that I think would help a lot of people. It's helped me.

• 44:59Matthew Hussey?

  When you look at it through that lens, you don't even have to like yourself to love yourself.

• 45:04Matthew Hussey?

  You might not like yourself today and that's okay. You might be frustrated with yourself, you might have a lot of mistakes and things that are hurting you or things you wish you'd done differently, you might not like the way you're living right now, whatever. You might not like yourself, but you can still love yourself and you can, the liking part come later.

• 45:23Ed Mylett?

  Oh, brother, brother, whoa. I introduced you today by saying I'm really proud of your evolution. Bro, you're on a profound magic streak with your work right now. Listen to me, this is everyone. You rewind the last fifteen minutes of this interview, the last two things we've covered, are you kidding me? Has there ever been?

• 45:42Ed Mylett?

  Bro, I, it's some of the best stuff I've ever heard. And you made one distinction there because the self-love thing the other way. For me, I have a hard time with is when someone's not, I just love myself the way I am and you know that they're capable of being healthier or not, you know, someone's shooting heroin and I've always thought like, yeah, I love myself the way I am, but what you've just made a distinction on there so profound is you can love yourself and not like yourself. And that not like yourself part is the part of you that can create change, that can say, look, I don't, I love myself, but I don't like the way that I, my nutrition is, or I don't like the way that I am treating myself. So there's that distinction because that other, the other side of the self-love thing that I think is thinking is like, it's just accept everything you do and you're, but you've made the distinction between

• 46:27Ed Mylett?

  love and like and that is a huge distinction. You must always love yourself because you're your only human. Bro, I'm gonna repeat this like a hundred times the next two days, what you just said to people. That is some of the best stuff I have ever heard come out of someone's mouth about life and and confidence and loving oneself, like the best.

• 46:47Matthew Hussey?

  Thank you.

• 46:48Ed Mylett?

  So good.

• 46:48Matthew Hussey?

  That difference, I think, is so crucial because it it also makes a distinction between when when you really love yourself, it starts from a place of total acceptance. And again, acceptance isn't, I like everything about myself. Acceptance is just, I'm I'm making peace with my starting point.

• 47:10Ed Mylett?

  Oh, it's so good.

• 47:11Matthew Hussey?

  And and that that changes everything because there's a big difference between self-acceptance and self-esteem. Self-esteem is built by what we do. Self-esteem is built by sticking to your promises and all of the things that you talk about all the time that that build that that that pride and that that knowledge that you can make things happen, that you need reference points for. And when you do hard things, you build reference points and that builds that self-esteem. But self-acceptance on this deepest level is about making peace with where you're starting from. And that is one of the most beautiful things you can ever do for yourself.

• 47:52Matthew Hussey?

  And by the way, all self-esteem, I believe, starts from that ultimate acceptance of what our starting point is because if you don't accept your true starting point, and if you're lying about your true starting point, you won't even feel good when you do things that should give you self-esteem. Like if if here's a here's a fun example. If I had, let's say I'm a hundred grand in debt.

• 48:22Matthew Hussey?

  But I've told the world that I have a hundred grand in the bank. Everyone, my friends and family, they all think I have a hundred grand in the bank, but really I have a hundred grand of credit card debt. Now.

• 48:39Matthew Hussey?

  If I do something wonderful, I, every day I wake up and I work and I save, I invest and I am sensible with my money and I, I start paying it off and let's say I pay off twenty percent of it, I'm now down to eighty grand in debt, that's amazing, you've paid off a fifth of your debt. It's amazing, that should be celebrated.

• 48:59Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 49:01Matthew Hussey?

  But you can't celebrate it because everyone thinks you have a hundred grand in the bank. And so something that actually should have given you a true milestone in your self-esteem.

• 49:10Ed Mylett?

  You weren't honest about where you're really starting from.

• 49:11Matthew Hussey?

  No, and so no one can celebrate you, no one can support you, you feel alone in it and you feel like, I, you don't feel like you made any progress, you, all you feel is, I'm still eighty grand in debt and everyone thinks I have a hundred grand in the bank. And that happens, by the way, at, at the end of so many marriages, where someone is getting divorced and the world has felt like that was a great marriage from the outside. And you've been talking about it as if everything is fine because you've been afraid to talk about just how bad it's been and just how unhappy you've been or your partner's been or just how, in some cases, abusive that relationship has been. And now you find yourself on the brink of divorce.

• 49:53Matthew Hussey?

  Again, it's that, I'm, I'm losing my identity here because everyone, on the identity level, everyone has thought that I'm in this happy marriage. But the, when I work with people, the moment they can accept what their true starting point is, which is that I haven't had the marriage I, I've been telling people I had for the last ten years. I am, I have not been happy, this has been crushing my soul or my confidence. I am starting again in this area of my life, maybe in some ways I'm starting again financially because this divorce is going to devastate me financially, maybe I'm gonna have to truly like, I'm gonna have to go and get a job I never thought I'd have to go and get.

• 50:35Matthew Hussey?

  I'm gonna have to fend for myself again in ways, I'm gonna have to move out of this house and into an apartment, I'm gonna, like, all of these things that. That have to happen, you have to strip back all of the layers of what everyone thinks I am and just say, this is my actual starting point today. And people are so afraid to do that, and I understand because we're terrified of the loss of ego and the reputation and what would happen if people didn't realize I wasn't where I thought I was. And this identity I've constructed for myself, but if you can start from that place of total acceptance. And almost imagine like, okay, let's just play it and experiment for a moment. Imagine I just got given this human today.

• 51:18Matthew Hussey?

  And this human's starting point is like a video game. This human's starting point is they're starting newly single again at fifty. They are financially, they they have this much in the bank. They have to go and, you know, get themselves back on their feet. If you saw that as like a video game and you just got given this human starting today to play this game, you'd be excited, you'd be like, what a fun thing to get to do. But it's all that baggage and that identity that makes it all seem like it's the end of the world. And the beautiful thing is, when you take even the tiniest step forward from that place, but now the world, now you're honest with the world and yourself, most importantly.

• 52:04Matthew Hussey?

  When you take a tiny step forward,

• 52:09Matthew Hussey?

  it's it may to your previous self who was putting on the mask of where you were, it may have been nothing. But to you now from an honest starting point, it's a miracle and it is a sign that you're growing and moving and that life is changing and that you, that the confidence that comes from that is real. And it's yours, the gains are yours at that point.

• 52:35Ed Mylett?

  Unbelievable. I'm just sitting here, brother, like, so like you, when I hear something, I put it through my stress test or litmus test of validity. Right? So as you're talking, let me tell you what I was thinking of, I want to unpack a little bit of that. And then this has been so good, like I have a hundred more questions, I'm going to get to one more, which frustrates me, but.

• 52:54Ed Mylett?

  So my dad, you know, profound thing in my life is my dad getting sober. And I was thinking about what would have had, what happened when my dad got sober? Three elements took place. Number one, my dad had to actually love himself enough at that point to have, to accept where he really was. So what you just said a minute ago is so profound. You have to have self-acceptance, right? So my dad had to love himself enough to accept, I can't control this anymore. I'm an alcoholic. My life is out of control. Simultaneously, he did not like the way he was behaving or like himself. So there is a massive distinction between those things. In fact, that not liking it is one of the things that caused him to do it. But here's how profound it is. Once he got sober, to your point, and admitted what his real starting point was,

• 53:39Ed Mylett?

  then the smallest, tiniest step was huge. That first day of being sober was a big deal. Thirty days, you get a chip in the AA program. Just thirty days of not drinking. There's millions of people who go thirty days without drinking. But to my dad, that was massive, even though for most people, that's a small step. But it started with loving himself to accept where he was and acknowledge that as the starting point. That's only when you can create change. He didn't like himself at that time. In fact, he didn't like himself at all. But that is the recipe and the formula. Bro, what you're working on right here is cutting-edge, huge stuff for people to understand. Like, everyone, I don't, you know, I always tell you, share, you need to share this episode with anybody who wants to build some baseline confidence,

• 54:24Ed Mylett?

  create some level of change, and have these relationships with other people and themselves, and obviously with life. So good, Matthew.

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  Let's get you a basket.

• 55:06Matthew Hussey?

  And just to add one more thing there. When, when we do that over time, I, I almost would encourage people to look at it the same way we look at parenting, which is that so many of the rewards come later. That, you know, when I talk to parents, and maybe this is true for you, Ed, they talk about so many of the rewards being when they've grown up.

• 55:26Ed Mylett?

  That's true.

• 55:27Matthew Hussey?

  And then you get the reward for all of that love that you gave these people that they may not have appreciated at the time, or they may not have really seen for what it was at the time, or how much you were doing for them. But it comes later. And if, if we're starting again with ourselves today, you can see yourself like a teenager who might not appreciate it right now. You know, but, but sooner or later, you'll, the, the like will catch up to the love.

• 55:53Ed Mylett?

  Wow. Um, brother, unbelievable. I gotta tell you, unbelievable. Let me ask you one last question. By the way, you guys, you need to get Love Life. You can tell. This is a book, by the way, there's parts in there about dating, because it's, you know, that's Matthew's go zone. But I gotta tell you, I think he's left that go zone where he is now. This is about, this is about the relationship with other people, the relationship with yourself. So profound, the relationship with the world at large. So all that's great.

• 56:21Ed Mylett?

  And then you have a disappointment. You have a disappointment in your life, a disappointment in a relationship. And you write about this in the book, about managing disappointments when things don't go our way. Because ultimately, everybody here that's gonna create a change, they're gonna start a business right now, they're gonna get fit right now, they're gonna enter a relationship right now, they're gonna start pursuing their faith right now. They're gonna, they have this formula now that you've given them. And then, they're gonna have a disappointment at some point. Then there's gonna be a letdown, something like that. So how does one manage that?

• 56:49Matthew Hussey?

  I think that a superpower that anyone can have, and it's available to anyone, is the ability to, at any moment in time, make Plan B the new Plan A.

• 57:03Matthew Hussey?

  And, and I think that's something that we're almost scared to do because we get so fixated on this idea that this is the only way that we'll be happy, is if this happens in our life. And...

• 57:19Matthew Hussey?

  And I actually look at life all through the lens of criteria. That there are criteria that we have to meet in order to be happy. And for me, I I very I really pay attention to my criteria. What are the things I need to do every day and feel every day in order to be happy? And so when someone says to me, you know, you found your calling, I'm I'm flattered by that. But I also want to say to them, I didn't. I just found a great way to meet my criteria. Because I like to connect with people. I like to feel like I'm making a difference. I like to feel like I'm doing something valuable. I like to do something I'm good at. I like, you know, I found something that that tick.

• 58:04Matthew Hussey?

  It allows me to be creative and creativity is a big part of my criteria. So I have certain things that I need to do every day in order to. And at least every other day or every three days in order to feel happy. And sometimes you can chunk that up right to like basics. Like for me, I I have um have it written in my little journal every day. These uh this acronym, it doesn't sound good, but it's CROWMA. C O uh C R O W M A. And CROWMA is just my criteria for like what I need to make sure I'm doing every day in order to be happy. So creativity is one uh really focusing, doing something towards a relationship is another.

• 58:46Matthew Hussey?

  Um organizing like just feeling like I'm kind of things are organized and um. Do something that contributes to my wellness. M is my mind. I need to do something that feeds my mind, whether it's reading a new book from a chapter from a book or listening to something or then it's appreciation and and the A is appreciation. Now, for me, I need to do all of those things regularly. And if I'm ever unhappy, normally, this is a nice formula for me for my happiness because I can just go back to this list and go, which one of these? I might have done some of them on overload for the last week or two, a month or a year. Which one of these is not getting a look in anywhere?

• 59:29Matthew Hussey?

  I can guarantee you my happy my if I'm unhappy is because I haven't done anything in the last week to connect and feed my relationships. I can look at it and go. I feel completely disorganized in my life, even though I'm achieving a lot. I feel like I can't get my arms around things. I haven't been creative, you know, I've not done anything creative. It's why writing every day made me happy is because in that moment I was fulfilling a key part of my criteria. So the, this may feel like a long-winded way to get to the answer, but when I look at life through the lens of these criteria, what I realize is everything in life is only meeting some kind of criteria. So you may be disappointed because it didn't happen this way.

• 1:00:14Matthew Hussey?

  But you can miss the point when you're in heartbreak or disappointment, that your criteria can be met a hundred, a thousand different ways. And that's Plan B, and if Plan B doesn't work, that's Plan C. And if Plan C doesn't work, that's Plan D. And the way Plan B becomes better than Plan A ever was is when you settle on Plan B. And you make Plan B as great as it can possibly be. And Ed, I do this with people on some of the hardest topics. I've, for the last fifteen years, a huge part of my life has been working with women. And you can't work with women in their love lives without coming across,

• 1:00:56Matthew Hussey?

  you know, what for many feels like the elephant in the room, which is, Matt, you're telling me to, you know, like, I, I, I need to go into dating from a calm and confident place. But guess what? I feel like time is running out on one of my big life goals, which is having kids. I want a family and it feels like time is running out. And that was, Plan A was meet someone and have a family, and it hasn't happened yet. Or maybe they just had a breakup with someone that they thought was gonna be the person they'd do it with. When that happens to people, they They panic and when we panic, we start making bad decisions. And the reason we've panicked is because we think Plan A is not going to happen. And if Plan A doesn't happen, I'll never be okay again.

• 1:01:40Matthew Hussey?

  I'll be grieving, I'll be sad for the rest of my life. And what I love doing is taking some of the most difficult situations people encounter and saying, what does Plan B look like? If that had to happen, what does it look like? And how do you make Plan B more beautiful than Plan A ever would have been? And I've watched people do this over and over again in life. And it's one of the most stunning. It's that it's a superpower. It is an absolute superpower and it, all it takes is saying to yourself, let me take the ingredients I have now and let me make the best of these ingredients.

• 1:02:22Matthew Hussey?

  There's a part in the book where I reference, there was a funny thing to reference because I don't even watch the show. But there's a TV show called Chop, I'm sure you've heard of it. And I only, I think I was sitting in the dentist's chair and it was on the screen while I was in the dentist's chair. And, and I saw the beginning of this show and I thought, oh my God, this holds one of the great keys to life and to, to confidence. They each get given a basket of ingredients and 20 minutes to do something with those ingredients.

• 1:02:56Matthew Hussey?

  And they obviously, the show is, they give them some tough ingredients. You know, there was the show I was watching, they got like Alaskan king crab, which was obviously an amazing ingredient. Everyone's happy to get that one. But then some of the chefs got like kelp jerky. And they've got to figure out a way to integrate kelp jerky into this recipe. And, and the point I make in the book is that.

• 1:03:23Matthew Hussey?

  That show is not a show that's about ingredients. We, when, when we go through trauma in life, heartbreak, when we wish life was different, when we wish it was another way, we're lamenting our ingredients and what we have to play with right now. I thought I was gonna be at this place by this point in my life and I here, and, and I'm here instead. But when I watched the show, Chopped, I went, this isn't a show about ingredients, this is a show about chefs. It's, no one gets a prize for, at the end of the show, no one gets rated on the ingredients. Everyone gets rated on, what did you do with those ingredients? How creative were you with that kelp jerky?

• 1:04:05Matthew Hussey?

  And, and any chef that can, you may not like kelp jerky, you may not ever find yourself able to love your, whatever your kelp jerky is in life, you may not be able to love it, but any chef who can do something miraculous with kelp jerky is easy to love. And so you look at, look at the kelp jerky of your life right now. Look at the things that didn't go right. Look at the, the place you're in in your life right now. And, and say to yourself, imagine that you are gonna, at the end of your life, look at what you did with those ingredients and how creative you were able to be from your starting point today, not from where you wish you were, but from where you are today.

• 1:04:49Matthew Hussey?

  And the whole game, the whole show is, can you do something that none of us would have expected you would do with those ingredients? And you can't get it wrong, by the way, it's yours. It's not what, what's amazing by other people's standards. You can't get it, my boxing trainer once said to me, he was like, I was getting trying to super technical on the way I was throwing my punches and trying to overthink everything. And he said, Matt, you can't get it wrong, it's yours.

• 1:05:15Matthew Hussey?

  It's yours. You can't get it wrong. It's yours. It's your, your thumbprint. Your thumbprint is your own. So, take, take that situation that you're in right now. Grieve it, because every time we go through a heartbreak in life, we've got to take the time to grieve it. It's, it's, you know, I'm not a, I think we, we spend too much time like just kind of trying to move people on from these huge, earth-shattering disappointments in life.

• 1:05:41Matthew Hussey?

  Grieve it. Be sad about it. It's okay to be sad about it. It's okay, you, you know, that's a, that's a death. Disappointment is a death, you know, divorce is a death of, of a promise. A, a failed business is the death of an idea of something that would happen and the way it would go. Failure and rejection is the death of ego. We're all gonna die many deaths in this lifetime. You're not alone. We're all dying all the time. We're all gonna die many, many, many deaths in this life.

• 1:06:10Matthew Hussey?

  But, but that death might hold the key to your next great adventure, and if you choose it to, it, it really will. And that's the, after you grieve, then it's about making room for a new story, because this disappointment, this death you've experienced is not the only story of your life.

• 1:06:26Ed Mylett?

  Brother, unbelievable. Like, make a masterpiece of the ingredients you've been given, and I love what you said. Settle on Plan B. You don't settle for Plan B.

• 1:06:37Ed Mylett?

  I'm proud of you today. I'm sitting here and I'm, I'm a little bit emotional at the end. I'm just really proud of you. This is incredible work you're doing, and I love you and I'm grateful for you. I'm really honored that I shared the hour with you. I am. This was awesome, bro. This was awesome.

• 1:06:52Matthew Hussey?

  I feel the same way, Ed, and, and you are a very, very, you're a very special human, and you are a very special listener. The way you connect and the way you listen and the way you show up. For anyone out there, you know, you know Ed, but I get to tell you about Ed from my vantage point, something that, that you may not know. Anyone who's as busy as Ed is, anyone who's got as much going on as you could just phone it in, could show up and just be like, I know people are gonna wanna be on my show, so I'm just gonna show up and I'm doing them a favor. And even that would be awesome, but the way that you, you know, the fact that you even read the book, I walked in, I didn't know you'd read the book, I walked in and you

• 1:07:36Matthew Hussey?

  were like, I read the book, I was like, what? It's incredible, the way you listen and that you're present with people. Very, very, very special thing, and I learn from you every time I'm with you, so thank you.

• 1:07:49Ed Mylett?

  Thank you, I love you, and I'm grateful that I read the book. And by the way, you will be as well, you will be as well. You need to go get Love Life, you probably listened to it and now, you preorder it, if it's later, past April, April 23rd is the release date.

• 1:08:02Matthew Hussey?

  April 23rd is the release date, it's Amazon, Barnes and Noble, wherever you get your books, if you're international, you can get it internationally too.

• 1:08:09Ed Mylett?

  Give us the website again.

• 1:08:10Matthew Hussey?

  The website is lovelifebook.com.

• 1:08:13Ed Mylett?

  Okay. All right, everybody, hope you enjoyed today, I don't have to ask you to share today's show, I know this one's going viral, so, God bless you, max out your life.