364. The 6 stages of any relationship ft. Thais Gibson

Something we may not know is that relationships typically follow a fairly similar life cycle. Author and relationship expert, Thais Gibson has articulated this idea in her new theory on the 6 stages of relationships, and how to know which you're in and when to break away. We discuss: How long should you date before you ask for a label? Why the honeymoon phase can’t last (and why that’s a good thing) Why does every couple need to have that one “big” fight? Why do so many couples break up at the 2-3 year mark? When do you know someone is right for you for the long haul? What the longest married couples know that we don’t.... Plus so much more! Follow Thais HERE! https://www.instagram.com/thepersonaldevelopmentschool/?hl=en Take the quiz HERE! https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/six-dating-stages?_gl=1*16x02dp*_gcl_au*NDY4MTg0NzUyLjE3NjMyNzk0MjQ.*_ga*MTkzNTE4MTM3NC4xNzYzMjc5NDIz*_ga_YX58DQ9DW1*czE3NjM5MzY3MDgkbzMkZzEkdDE3NjM5MzcxNzkkajU5JGwwJGgw ORDER MY BOOK https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/copy-of-book Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 2:51Jemma Sbeg?

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• 3:36Jemma Sbeg?

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• 3:42Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. I'm Jemma Sbeg and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

• 4:02Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Today, we welcome back one of our favorite, my favorite guests. She has been on the show so many times. She is one of the global. Experts on attachment style, relationships, how to find healthy love. She's written two books. She has coached thousands of people and has done more research on this than probably any other person. The other day I got an email from her about this new theory that she's been working on. It's called the six stages of a relationship and I just knew we had to talk about it because

• 4:43Jemma Sbeg?

  it is incredibly accurate. First of all, it is so accurate how it represents almost every relationship we find ourselves in. And I also think that learning about these six stages, especially in our twenties, what they represent, what they mean, could help us all be more realistic about love and also understand the highs and lows of dating and the highs and lows of devotion and being with somebody long term. Without further ado, here she is, Tais Gibson. Welcome to the psychology of your twenties again.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  Thank you for having me. You're one of my favorite people to chat with and join podcasts with and just honestly catch up with. So it's really nice to be here.

• 5:28Jemma Sbeg?

  No, it's so lovely every time you come on the show and you've been on a couple of times. You're like my go to attachment style expert. I love your in-depth knowledge. I love how you talk about these topics. I've kind of spoiled my next question, which is tell the listeners a little bit about yourself and what kind of work you do.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Yeah. So to your point, I definitely work in the relationship space by trade. I am a counselor and coach. And I've been in this space for quite a while now, more than a decade. And I tend to focus a lot in the attachment style space. And I think that comes from growing up with a fearful avoidant attachment style myself and really pouring into trying to understand how to heal. And I put a huge emphasis and focus, not just on like understanding things and intellectualizing things, but actually rewiring. Because the more we can really dig into the subconscious and rewire our patterns and leverage neuroplasticity. That's where you get to see the real healing and change and growth. And so that was something that helped me on my journey so much. And something that I'm always really excited to talk about and share with other people.

• 6:32Jemma Sbeg?

  And you do like, just the way you talk about it is incredible. And if you haven't listened to our other episodes, I think we did one on anxious attachment and avoidant. Very much recommend going and listening to those two of my favorite episodes that we've ever done, to be honest. But today, we're going to talk about this, I guess, new theory that you've come up with, this new concept that you told me about. And I was like, how come no one has ever shared this or talked about this or come up with this before? It is the six-stage theory of relationships. You know, I adore a theory. I adore like any kind of succinct explanation of like, human phenomena. Can you just like quickly

• 7:14Jemma Sbeg?

  explain this one for me before we go into each stage individually?

• 7:19Speaker 03

  Yes. So the theory is essentially that every relationship has six stages. And I saw this through working with tons of thousands of clients, that there's essentially a life cycle of every relationship. And it starts at a high level. We'll talk about them in detail for sure. But at a high level, the first stage is the dating stage. And the intention of this stage is to really vet and get to know somebody and like, see if they're a good fit for you and vice versa. And then when we make a commitment, we move into the honeymoon stage. And this is the stage where essentially, we have our rose-colored glasses on, and we're all excited, and everything feels great, and it's easy, and it's flowing. But we're usually showing ourselves still with a good bit of conditions. We're on our best behavior. We're still people pleasing, maybe a little bit more than we otherwise

• 8:02Speaker 03

  would. We're not as comfortable. And then we let down the mask and get comfortable. And that actually is what draws us into the power struggle stage. And the power struggle stage you'll see is where statistically, most people break up. But the crazy part is that if you don't realize that in the long grand scheme of an entire relationship, like if you're going to marry somebody and be with them for decades, perhaps, the dating honeymoon power struggle are such a small snapshot of a whole relationship. And if we don't ever have a relationship that makes beyond the power struggle, then people think that the whole relationship is like this high of infatuation, this low of fighting and more arguing, and it breaks up. And the reality is that the power struggle stage is actually something that presents this really unique and powerful opportunity to

• 8:46Speaker 03

  know each other more deeply, to work through conflict, to learn to hash things out, to learn each other, and to get into a rhythm. And if we do that, We then progress into future stages, which become the rhythm stage, the devotion stage, and eventually the everlasting stage, which is where we have this true and deep sense of lasting contentment in the relationship. And so we'll boil into all of the stages, of course, in a lot of detail, but but the theory essentially is rooted in the fact that every relationship, point blank period, goes through this life cycle. And there are specific rites of passage that we need to move from one stage to the next. So in order to continuously progress, there's actually things we have to learn and get good at with each other. And if we don't learn those rites of passage, we'll

• 9:29Speaker 03

  actually get stuck in a certain stage. And the longer we're stuck in a stage without progressing, the more likely the relationship is to end. So what I find to be really meaningful is if people are struggling in relationships and they never really, you know, have a lasting relationship. It's always a year or two years, they break up, you know, things like this. And they're looking for something longer lasting and more prominent for them. Or if somebody is in a stage now listening, perhaps, and they're like, I feel like I'm stuck in one of these stages and everything's rocky and we're not progressing. It's much less of the time that you have the wrong partner, and much more of the time that you instead have the wrong tools and the wrong behaviors in relationships that are actually keeping you stuck and not allowing you to progress. And I would make a really strong argument,

• 10:13Speaker 03

  having seen this firsthand, that so often people are like, oh, maybe I'm not compatible with somebody. Oh, my gosh, what if it doesn't work out? And they feel stuck. And actually, once they get the certain tools that they need to unlock the next stage, things move move forward much more effortlessly. So that's essentially the the theory in a nutshell.

• 10:30Jemma Sbeg?

  Which I love. And we were talking before I pressed record and I was like, to get to be vulnerable and to be completely honest, like, I'm seeing my current relationship, well, my not current, just my relationship, reach a well, no, my current relationship, like, reach a new stage that I never have with other partners. And like, we've just definitely passed through this like, power struggle phase where, you know, we're moving and like, we really have to like, know each other deeper. And I've never passed through this stage before, and I feel like we're getting to the end of it. And This theory has like opened my eyes to all previous relationships that I have ever had. And every single one of them follows this. And obviously, like, they break up at different points.

• 11:15Jemma Sbeg?

  But never beyond the rhythm stage have I broken up with someone, which is interesting.

• 11:21Speaker 03

  And that is almost exactly how it goes for people. So once people, I find as a general ballpark, I don't have like really hard data on this. I'm just pulling from like tens of thousands of conversations and clients over the years. Um, but, but I would say generally you're looking at like 80% chance of the relationship really lasting for the long, long haul. If you make it to the rhythm stage. So at that point, it's because you've learned how to navigate and, and well, as we dive into the power struggle and the rites of passage and all these things, you'll, you'll see and, and, and learn that if we can't get the important lessons right in that stage, that's what makes everything fall apart. But if we get them right in that stage, it's what exactly prepares us for everything to come so that we can thrive and stay connected and know how to weather

• 12:04Speaker 03

  hard times in the future. If we ever go through them or, you know, be able to really build roots that are allowing a relationship to thrive and last for the long haul. And I almost think of like a relationship itself. If there was a, a visual analogy, every relationship is like a little tree, like a little sapling. And in the dating stage, we're like, oh, there's a little tree growing and we're so excited. And then you, you water it and it gets sunlight and it builds slightly deeper roots. And we're like, wow, it's growing. And then the power struggle stage is like the first storm that happens for the tree. And it's like, you know, there's a thunderstorm and, and if we don't know how to navigate that stage, the tree can get ripped out of the ground. But, you know, if it's really windy perhaps, right? But if we are, if we're able to really build deeper and deeper roots

• 12:45Speaker 03

  and nourish that tree across time, eventually the roots become so deep that even if there's like a hurricane, that tree is not going to come out of the ground. And so that's really what this is all about. It's like, how do we build those deep roots with the right tools? And that's what allows people to, when they make it to the everlasting stage, people report in the everlasting stage and not just, um, having the longest lasting relationships, of course, but they actually report being the most fulfilled in their relationships. And what's sad and, and hard to see sometimes is That I think everybody's seen this where you know, a couple in your life, or maybe you're that couple now and where you can tell people are truly happy together. They've been together a long time, but they're truly fulfilled. And then there's other couples you see where where they're together and maybe they're married for thirty years.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  But you can tell they're just not happy, like they're just kind of sticking it out and they're just they're still fighting all the time and they're miserable. And it's like, well, that's not success in a relationship. And what that is, is it's actually they never left the power struggle stage. So people can say the dating and honeymoon have different time spans, but the power struggle people can actually stay in for the long haul. If they don't actually learn how to move through it.

• 13:51Jemma Sbeg?

  Okay, we need to get into these stages because I feel like I'm gonna, I have so many questions, but I'm like, let's talk about the stages first because then I can go from there.

• 14:00Jemma Sbeg?

  But beginning with with step one, which is you've got to start talking to someone, you've got to start dating somebody. What are the key things to like? Look out for during this period? That may predict like future compatibility?

• 14:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, great question. So in the dating stage, the dating stage generally lasts about zero to six months. And it will be, people will try to speed it along a little bit based on their attachment style, like people who are a little more anxious. They'll want to go from dating into honeymoon quicker because the rite of passage into honeymoon is more about, did we decide to commit to a relationship together or are we just still seeing each other? People who are a little more avoidant leaning, they'll tend to be like, let's stay in the the dating stage forever. They'll really drag it out and usually they're closer to the six month mark. But the really important things to go in prepared for in the dating stage are number one, you have to know what you're looking for and and truly, I think people really underestimate this stage and how important it is because if you don't do the dating stage properly,

• 15:03Speaker 03

  it's like you try to plant a seed or a crop that you're trying to grow in the wrong soil, right? It's like you, you can, if you don't have soil conducive to growing the crop, you're gonna have a hard time. And a lot of people that I would see in my practice is they would go in. They would date somebody, they would have very low standards for dating. It would be like, I just want to find somebody I'm attracted to and I have fun with. And then they get into this space of trying to win the person over when they start dating them. They're like, oh, I just want to get them to like me and want to commit to me. And they put their focus and attention there instead of on vetting. And the entire purpose of the dating stage is about vetting, uh, which we'll come to in a second. So they don't vet. And then because they're in this like people pleasing stage, trying to win the person over.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  By the time you then move through the honeymoon stage and get into the power struggle stage, you're not set up for success. And you're going to see all of your compat- incompatibilities are more glaring. There's going to be a lot of challenges. And so the first thing you want to start with to your question is like, you want to know, what are my standards? What are my needs in a relationship and what are my non-negotiables? And I always get people to start there. And then really get clear about those things. And then the second question, and you would think people know to just look for this right out of the gates, but they don't. The second question is, um, where should I be looking for this person? Because you'd be shocked at the amount of people who will say things like, oh, I, I really want to find somebody who's emotionally available and who's working on themselves. And I'm like, oh, where have you been looking?

• 16:29Speaker 03

  And people will be like, oh, well, I guess I just kind of go out to the bar every Friday and Saturday and, and hope to meet somebody. And it's not that, uh, there's no emotionally available people at a bar. Of course there will be. It's just that you're minimizing your chances of finding the right person. Like if you're really looking for a healthy relationship and you're trying to master the dating stage of your life, we want to be looking, okay, emotionally available people, people working on themselves. I'm going to go to like a, a personal growth meetup in my area once a week. Yeah, I'm going to get set up by people I respect. Exactly. Like, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. So we want intent in that stage. And what that allows us to do is be mindful of our own time, not waste our own time, and actually honor, um, our boundaries and, and honor what it is that we're looking for, our standards essentially in this stage.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  And once we meet somebody that we're interested in and we're looking in the right place and we have the intentions of, of what we're consciously looking for, the next big piece underneath that is you want to go in and be like, okay, I need to start asking the questions that are going to get to the Bottom of whether or not we're compatible. So if we're doing the dating stage right, it's about learning compatibility. It's about being intentional to see if there's actually a fit. And so what I often say to people is like, write out your standards, write out your, your needs. And then go on your first date, just see if there's chemistry, see if you have a fun time, see if there's a connection. And after that, you want to intend to ask one hard question per date.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  So, you know, I know for me as an example, like obviously I've been married with my husband for 10 years, but, but i- if I were going into a, a dating scenario, I would be like, you know, for me, one of the first things would be, I want to know that somebody can work through conflict. I, I don't want to, I don't like to sweep things under the rug. I like to hash things up. That's extremely important to me. So, you know, I might go on the first date, have fun. And on a second date, I might say, how do you handle conflict? I'm so curious. Like, what do you tend to do if there's conflict in your life? I might ask about like with friends or family. If I hear somebody say, oh, I just don't like conflict. I never have it. I just kind of ignore stuff and, and, you know, park it away. I don't like to, to have conversations like that. I'm looking for things to be easy. I might be like, well, would you be willing to address things if it was important to you?

• 18:36Speaker 03

  And if they were like, ah, and all touchy, I probably wouldn't go on another date. Because that's a non-negotiable for me. And so you get to get to the bottom of these hard questions. And it also draws out interesting and meaningful conversation. And that's the whole point of the dating stage is to get to know the person and see if they're actually going to fit into your life. And on the flip side, where a lot of people also tend to miss the mark is that we also owe our own authenticity in the dating stage and we have to let ourselves get vetted too. So when we have these conversations, we also have to share ourselves truthfully and honestly with other people. Because we have to let them see if they're, you know, we're a good fit for, for them as well.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  And I think too many people, they kind of people please and try to say all the right things instead of the authentic things. And what you'll find is even though that might seem easier and more gratifying in the short term, it's actually much worse for the long-term relationship's chance of success. Because if we're people pleasing too much in the Dating stage and pretending too much that we're okay with things we aren't. And we don't have boundaries that we actually do, or we don't have needs that they're actually really meaningful to us. By the time you get to the power struggle stage where naturally things start to come out of the woodworks and we show our truth there. You are so much less likely to make it through. So to successfully move to the later stages, you set yourself up for success. You vet properly, you show up with your authentic self, you share yourself authentically.

• 20:03Speaker 03

  We know our standards and non-negotiables going into the relationship. And we try to look in the right places and those are like the big key rites of passage.

• 20:11Jemma Sbeg?

  And you stop yourself from being hurt. You know what I mean? Like at this stage, you you probably aren't deeply emotionally bonded to someone and or bonded at all. Like, you know, you could get to the the like the power struggle phase with somebody. And really like them and love them because like you spent time with them, whereas they're still the same person that they were when you first met them. Like if you were able to realize like we are never going to be compatible. Early on, like you save yourself so much pain. I also want to ask you about this, which is something that I know so many people are going to be asking themselves right now. How do I not just get carried away with the idealized version of someone during this stage?

• 20:57Jemma Sbeg?

  The version that I convince myself could happen, especially I think around commitment.

• 21:05Jemma Sbeg?

  You know, someone says like, oh yeah, I just really want to take things slow. I'm not really looking for anything serious, but let's see where things go. And in your mind, you hear, oh, I just need to win them over or they just need time. Or you start hearing things that you want to hear. How do you deal with that maybe tendency within you during this stage?

• 21:24Speaker 03

  I love that question. That's a phenomenal question. Of course, you always ask great questions. The first thing I would say is that we want to set a goal and an intention to not date people's potential. And when I would have clients, you know, back in the day when I was running my practice. I would get them, people who I would say are, you know, predisposed to doing that, you know, the types of people. are a little more anxious. They they see the best in people. It's such a charm and quality, but they're much more likely to do that. I would actually get them to keep a dating journal. And I would get them to, and I would actually tell people, and it's a great exercise to do at home, is I would get them to, after a date, after spending time with somebody, I would ask them, um, how, I would get them to say, how is this person actually making me feel?

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Okay, because sometimes that question, when we're so into the fantasy, and then we don't hear from them, and we're anxious, or they're they're not great at communicating, or the date's not going that well, sometimes we cope by getting into the fantasy, and we actually leave the reality. And what, when we leave reality and operate in the fantasy, we're out of our body. We're actually not in our body. Um, we're slightly dissociated. We're up here in our mind and our fantasy, and we forget to feel in our body what's actually happening. And so, hey, how is this person actually making me feel? It's a really good place to ground you, anchor you back in your body. The amount of times I would see people in very intermittent relationships, or or relationships where people weren't showing up, and they're chasing, and then you say, well, how is this person actually making you feel? And they're like, oh, I'm actually anxious all the time. I'm actually like, having a hard time

• 22:52Speaker 03

  sleeping at night since dating this person. Oh, my God, you know, so it really anchors you. It's a really good question to ask yourself. And then I get people to rate, you know, you you go in, you track your standards, you track your needs, and as you're vetting them, you're journaling about it. Are they actually showing up for this? And if you're seeing, oh, they could, or maybe they will in the future, as you're journaling these things out, we have to keep coming back to the reality. Are they? Are they doing these things now? Because when we, you know, whenever we're vetting somebody, we absolutely unequivocally have to be vetting their behavior, not their words. And that is the trick to vetting properly. If we vet their behavior, it's what they're already doing. And and it's interesting, because your behavior is who you

• 23:36Speaker 03

  actually are. Your behavior is your subconscious habituated patterns, and your subconscious makes up ninety five plus percent of all of your beliefs and thoughts and emotions and and actions. And so, when you're moving from a place of behavior, oh, this person is being consistent in how they text. Good. This is how they're showing up. Oh, this person is emotionally available and really listening and being present on dates. Okay, great. This is how they're showing up. Versus In in my desires or what I would hope to see in their words, they say, oh yeah, I'll try to text you more often. No problem, but they don't, right? Well, then that's in their desires or their words. It's not in their behavior. So when we're vetting, that's one of the best things to really keep us anchored in the truth and in the reality. So we don't get carried away from the fantasy.

• 24:17Speaker 03

  And just the last thing I would say to that, too, is like such a good question is if you find yourself being the person who has a tendency to get carried away and want to be chosen and want to win the person over. And you're prioritizing that. We also have to ask ourselves, what in me feels so safe and comfortable in that? Why do I keep leaving myself and chasing and wanting to be chosen and prioritizing the need to be chosen over how I'm actually feeling? How much my needs are actually met? And sometimes it's because we had a childhood where we felt like that. Sometimes it's because that's what's familiar and comfortable for us and that's safe. Or sometimes it's because, you know, we're just caught in this huge wound of fearing not being good enough.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  And if we see those big things popping out, then it's a really good time to dig into those things. Maybe do some rewiring or some healing around those core beliefs so that we can free ourselves from continuously enacting those patterns.

• 25:11Jemma Sbeg?

  Honestly, amazing, spot on advice. As someone who definitely used to have a tendency to be chosen and then changed the way I approached those situations. It works. It definitely does. Okay, so we've we've vetted well. We've done our job. We've been very good at getting people's references, getting people's character references, understanding people's like core motivations and who they are. What does it take to move into the honeymoon stage? And what does this stage feel like? And how does it feel differently to the stages before and after?

• 25:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, great question. So so coming out of the dating stage, and I think it's so important to like vet really properly. I also want to say one thing, too, because sometimes I notice people will be like, oh, it's like a job interview. Like you don't want dating to be a job interview. That's not the goal. So you want to make sure that you're, that's why I always say like, ask one question per date, because then you can have fun and be present and do your thing, but you're constantly getting your. Moving the needle. You're constantly learning a little bit of that important information. So generally, we we tend to, once we feel like we've got a really good grasp of that. And once we feel like the other person you can tell has a grasp of of you. What you'll start to see is you enter towards the honeymoon stages. It's marked by spending more time with somebody. Usually, we're speaking to them quite consistently at this point, like almost every day or every day.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  A lot of times as well, I think you'll you'll spend a couple of nights a week with them. You're you're, you know, spending a lot of your time together. And you can tell, you know, there's not really room for somebody to be doing this with multiple people in their lives, or, you know, how would they hold down a job and date like this at the same time? You know, there's two, it's a lot of time commitment. And so, once we see this progress towards that, usually around the three to four month mark is sort of the healthy space where you've had the chance to collect enough information. As soon as there is a commitment in a relationship, so, hey, we're going to be together, we're going to be exclusive, it's just going to be us dating each other. Once there's a a conversation, that is the exact right of passage that moves you into the honeymoon stage. So, once there's an actual conversation, we've decided to commit to each other, we're going to be with each other.

• 27:15Speaker 03

  Then there you are. You're in the honeymoon stage. Now, some people do try to move there a little earlier. Some people do move there a little later. But three to four months is usually the best zone for people I find the most securely attached. People actually move from that space. And it's kind of the sweet spot. And the honeymoon stage then becomes, okay, you're officially in this relationship and will be a little more vulnerable with each other, will be a little more open with each other with our feelings, specifically expressing love, care, excitement, making longer term plans, like maybe to go on a trip or a vacation, you know, there will be this sort of increase. Exactly, exactly. You know, there's this increase of of bringing this person into your life, introducing them to your friends,

• 27:54Speaker 03

  sharing more of your internal world with them. And it's a really beautiful phase. And in this phase specifically, what's really interesting is you can see that people, they have elevated oxytocin in this stage, which is the bonding neurochemical. They have elevated dopamine, which is the motivation neurochemical. And what's interesting about this is, have you ever noticed how people in the honeymoon stage, you're always like motivated to go out with them and do things with them. Let's go to dinner. Let's go here.

• 28:20Jemma Sbeg?

  And you always want to talk about them constantly. You're always talking about them with your friends and family. I have a friend who's in this stage right now. Love it a bit, but she came over for dinner last night and I was like, I cannot. I can't hear about him anymore. I'm so sorry, but she's like so obsessed.

• 28:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. And so we have all of this like neurochemical cocktail of things. We even have the phenethylthalamine neurochemical, which is all about attraction. So we have all of this like bonding, attraction, motivation, and you'll see it in people's behavior. And it's a really beautiful stage. And after the zero to six months, so somewhere in that range of dating, we then move into about a year to a year and a half of honeymoon. And interestingly enough, this is often where a lot of people will get engaged, get married. You know, I've seen a lot of, yeah. And Jemma, the amount of people who I, when I was back in the day when I was running my practice, before I went into all the online space, I would have so many clients who would say, Tais, I married my wife.

• 29:19Speaker 03

  And then after two years, as soon as after we got married, she turned into a monster. Or I married my husband, as soon as I got married, he turned into someone he never was. And people would get confused because honestly, a lot of people would think, I'd say like roughly 10% of people would get married in the honeymoon stage, then move into the power struggle stage after marriage and think that their spouse like tricked them into marrying them or pretended to be someone that they weren't and that they were truly the secret like monster behind closed doors. And when people, when I would explain to people, no, no, you just, it's too early. You never made into the power struggle stages. This is natural. This is normal. You just have to learn to navigate these things that are coming up. The amount of relief people would have of like, oh, it's a stage.

• 30:02Speaker 03

  It's not that I was tricked, you know, and a lot of people would feel almost a sense of betrayal when you move into the power struggle stage because, you know, you could date somebody, feel really good about them, get engaged at nine months or a year, get married, you know, half a year later and you're still in your honeymoon. So, so at this point of time, this is usually that next year to year and a half. And we'll actually, you know, it's a beautiful time. It's lots of fun, all these great things. But something else really important to note is that people are still moving from more conditionally based love. Because you haven't had to have the hard conversations, show and share a lot of your deep interferes and flaws, the way that you will just more in the power struggle stage. And so you still have the mask on a little bit. You're, you're still kind of a little on your best behavior.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  Maybe kind of thinking about what you're going to really show or share with the person. And so, once we start getting really comfortable and once we start letting down the mask and letting somebody in. When we get into that space of comfort, all of those neurochemicals actually reduce. Okay, so the phenylethylamine and the oxytocin, the dopamine, we start getting more comfortable. We enter into the power struggle and it's precisely this that actually triggers off the power struggle itself because we'll start saying, hey, actually that's not okay with me. Actually, that's a boundary for me. Actually, I know I said I like this, but I don't. And then as soon as people start sharing more of their deep inner world, it's a crisis for people, but it's also an opportunity.

• 31:31Speaker 03

  It's like there's this challenge because now we're seeing all these, you know, in-depth insights into somebody and we have to figure out how to mesh them. And that can be really hard at first, but you're also getting this deep opportunity to see into somebody way more that you love and to let them into your world way more and to share your authenticity at a deeper level with them. So if we do the power struggle right, then things can be really beautiful and a lot of, you know, richness in the relationship can come out of that, but really that marked rite of passage from the honeymoon to the power struggle as you start getting more comfortable. And as soon as you get more comfortable, the mask drops more and that will be what triggers off the power struggle stage.

• 32:08Jemma Sbeg?

  Okay, I'm so excited to ask you some follow-up questions because I have them, of course. But we are going to take a short break here. When we come back, we're going to talk more about the power struggle stage, rhythm stage, devotion stage. Stay with us, we'll be right back.

• 32:25Speaker 01

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• 32:53Jemma Sbeg?

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• 33:30Jemma Sbeg?

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• 34:15Jemma Sbeg?

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• 35:22Jemma Sbeg?

  Growth isn't linear. There's no magic timeline or secret template. And no one understands that quite like Southern New Hampshire University. Because SNHU has online degree programs built for whatever path you are on. Tried college before? Transfer up to 90 credits. And if you're new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor. And here's the best part, there's no set class times. So school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit SNHU.edu/psych. That's SNHU.edu/psych. So I kind of mentioned, I, me and my partner,

• 36:06Jemma Sbeg?

  have been together for almost three years. And we definitely hit the power struggle stage recently, right? We are in the process of moving overseas together. And all these like big milestones happened. And there was definitely a part of me when this friction started emerging where I was like, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, like this, we've made like, maybe this relationship isn't right. Or like, maybe we don't, we're not compatible. Having like, kind of now probably moved a little bit more over this hill. Why do you think this stage has to happen? And why do you think a lot of people break up in this stage, whether rightly or wrongly?

• 36:48Speaker 03

  So, yes, such a great question. So to your point, every single person, pretty much across the boards, even securely attached people, they have moments of those thoughts in the power struggle stage. So I think that's one of the most important things to say is that, like, when you said, oh, is this right? Are we, are we compatible? Is this working? Like, that is so normal and that's every person's experience. And, and it's because we have this friction in this stage. And so, you know, obviously there's a difference if somebody's like having these explosive arguments every day, all day and they're miserable and then they're asking those questions. But there is a natural, just like when we, we go through stages of life. Sometimes we question ourselves and different things. Oh, you know, maybe you start a new career. Wait, can I really do this?

• 37:33Speaker 03

  Am I on the right track? You know, there, there's these natural sort of insecurities that pop up when we have problems. And, and I find that to be one of the most relieving things for people to hear. Because, you know, people would happen, one of the biggest reasons people break up in that stage. Is they take those thoughts so seriously and then they start catastrophizing and magnifying. And then they see everything through that lens and they're like, see, oh my gosh, we're not compatible. I knew it. And then they they like play into it more and more. And then the other person's doing the same thing. And then we have this vicious cycle that happens. When in reality, I find that if people just knew that, hey, this stage is going to be a little bit confronting. You're going to have moments at times in the stage, especially when it starts off where there's doubts and you question the relationship.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Just like if you start a new career and it's a learning curve, you're going to be like, wait, am I good enough to do this? Like we do that and it's human and it's so normal. So I just, that's a huge thing first and and then going into it. The stage is necessary because it is, I think it's such a beautiful stage. People don't like to hear that when they're in it, but Yeah. It's a beautiful stage because people get this opportunity to move the needle from more conditionally based love to more unconditionally based love. And so often people would say to me, oh, Tyce, what if I want to stay on the honeymoon stage forever? And I'm like, do you want to just conditionally love your partner forever? Like, is that what? Yeah. Even though it's scary, you know, you get to see into this person.

• 38:57Speaker 03

  You get to like really learn about their fears and their flaws and their needs more deeply. And you'll have to learn to move out of the stage and move through the stage effectively. How to navigate conflict, how to be vulnerable. One of the biggest reasons people break up to the second part of your question is that you you actually will not be able to make it out of the stage unless you learn vulnerability. And I remember when when I joined you on an episode a while back and you shared on the episode. It was such a touching way you shared it and and you talked about like sort of being vulnerable and sharing something that was vulnerable for you and it going well. And just having this sort of like, wow, like moment of receiving that. And you can think back, you know, for anybody who's ever been through that, the moment before you're vulnerable for the first time with somebody in a pretty meaningful way.

• 39:41Speaker 03

  It's terrifying. It's so scary. But the moment when you had the conversation that goes well, it's a huge breakthrough. And once you do that once and then twice and then a few more times and now you're both doing it with each other. You're literally building such a deep Roots for your tree, like you're truly getting into a space where like the roots are building and they're growing and they're becoming, they're making the tree so much more unshakable. And so, you know, once you get into that space, um, it's, it's yes, a crisis because there's hard things that will come up and it's marked by, um, you know, statistically, people will argue more at the beginning. Um, you'll see if you can almost graph relationships, you go dating honeymoon, there's this peak of infatuation, power struggle. It's like all this fighting. And then the conflict goes way down.

• 40:24Speaker 03

  And the whole point of the power struggle, and there's really like four major rites of passage, like we have to get these four things right, or we'll stay stuck in the power struggle forever, or the relationship will end within it. Number one is vulnerability. Okay. So learning to actually share your inner world vulnerably. I, I, I'll tell a story here for a second. I had this client once and she was like this lovely, amazing, just beautiful human being, had like all these great qualities. Put a lot of pressure on herself to be perfect in every way, like so put together, so precise about everything, had a great job, everything on paper. And she never ever could make it out of the power struggle stage with people. And she just wanted a, a loving, long-term relationship.

• 41:04Speaker 03

  But when we looked into her childhood, what we found is that she had a father who was quite narcissistic.

• 41:10Jemma Sbeg?

  Hmm.

• 41:10Speaker 03

  And always made her feel like second guessing herself and, and she had to be perfect to get love from him and all these things. So she never would let somebody see her in her imperfections. And when people would break up with her in relationships, the common theme is people would say, I feel like I still don't know who you are. And I feel like we're like not getting anywhere. Yeah. And it's truly no matter how quote unquote, perfect somebody is, or how well they have their life together, or how, you know, you name it. If we can't get vulnerable, vulnerability is exactly what moves us from infatuation to real love.

• 41:45Jemma Sbeg?

  Yeah.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  And you could make a pretty strong argument that even though we can love and in the dating and honeymoon stage, it's still kind of an infatuation based love. It's still rooted in infatuation. And you know, when we move into like the power struggle and we really deeply let somebody in and really let ourselves be seen and, and really learn about what each other's sensitivities are and fears. That Vulnerability breeds much more unconditionally based love and we get this opening into that. And so vulnerability is this huge rite of passage. And vulnerability then goes with us deeply learning how to meet each other's needs. Number two and and number three is like really learning how to navigate conflict around each other's fears and needs together. And so as an example, you know, you can think, let's say there's a couple and let's say one person in the couple.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Is somebody who needs a lot of presence. They want somebody to be attuned to them and be present with them. And they really value like depth of emotional connection. And let's say we have another person in the couple who, you know, maybe that's a big need for the one person and the maybe the other person, they really need. Gentle communication when they're getting feedback. Maybe they are a little sensitive to criticism. And they don't take criticism or feedback that well. They kind of, you know, it wounds them a little bit and they're sensitive to it. So, you know, in this particular case, those could be issues where if one person's not that present. And one person is a little more harsh or critical with their words. If somebody doesn't know there's a power struggle stage and know how to navigate it, then they could break up.

• 43:13Speaker 03

  But instead, if we have the ability to talk about these things and the person who's sensitive to to feedback might say, hey. I want to try to hear feedback from you, but can you be a little more gentle in your delivery? Because, you know, it's a little hard for me sometimes and it takes a certain degree of vulnerability to say that. But then if the other person is willing to do that work and meet them on that and practice that. And then if the person who, you know, say the the other half of the couple is going. And okay, I'll work with my my delivery. I'll be a little more gentle and consider it for sure. And also I need you to be a little more present sometimes, you know, somebody being present and and, you know, really listening is is really important to me. And and the other person is okay and I'll work on that too.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  We're not going to be perfect at it all of a sudden, you know, it takes a little bit of time to practice and work these things through. But once they actually meet in this in a middle ground. That's precisely when it's like, okay, now we're building really powerful roots. Now we know how to naturally take each other into consideration because we were vulnerable about these things. We heard each other. Each other's fears or flaws or sensitivities. We hurt each other's needs and now that equips us to properly navigate conflict. And so when conflict comes up, if we can approach conflict with vulnerability, with openness, with acceptance in this particular case, all of these things start feeding together into us building healthier collective patterns.

• 44:37Speaker 03

  Or we may have to make slight compromises on each side. But what's so interesting here is a lot of people in the power struggle stage will say, yeah, I have to learn to navigate conflict a little bit more in the power struggle stage. I have to, there's, why do we have to hash everything out or talk about everything? It's only for a period of time. You'll have more conversations and more arguments because you're fusing your inner worlds. You have to talk about all these things that you don't know about each other yet. But once you naturally, okay, so let's pretend it's me and my husband. And let's say I'm the person who wants more presence and maybe he's the person who wants conflict, you know, kinder criticism and better delivery. If we start doing those things and we practice them together and we get better at them and I naturally am more mindful in my delivery.

• 45:21Speaker 03

  He naturally makes an effort to, you know, put his phone away and be more present when we spend time together. Then when we fuse into that together, it's exactly the fusing, and that's that fourth part, that moves us out of the power struggle and into the rhythm. Because now we're in the rhythm, we're in the flow of doing these things. We worked on them together. We both made compromises. And by the way, usually the exact compromises that we'll make actually grow both of us and bring us closer together. And now in doing that, you get into this rhythm. You don't have to talk about all these things so much. You know how, you know naturally how to, I, let's pretend it's me and my husband. I naturally know to be kind in my delivery with my husband. I naturally have practiced that, it gets wired in. And now it's just something I do.

• 46:04Speaker 03

  And that's, that's exactly and precisely when we start exiting the power struggle stage. It's the rite of passage of when we've hashed out the important things enough and we actually built in these new habits in the relationship, where all of a sudden we consider each other without having to think it through or argue about it or talk about it. And then we feel more loved as we each need to feel loved in a relationship. And now we're in the rhythm of things and that's what takes us out of that stage and into the next one.

• 46:29Jemma Sbeg?

  Which all sounds honestly very positive to me and. Something I will say is you will be surprised how every single long term couple relationship that you know has gone through this stage. Like every single one. I've been talking to my friends so much about it and they're like, oh yeah, like, of course, we had that, of, of course, like, and the love that you start to feel for your partner is honestly bigger than the honeymoon stage will ever be. Like, the honeymoon stage to me and how I imagine it is like eating a big bowl of candy and like sweets and like Maltesers and popcorn. It's like so delicious, right? And you just wanna eat and eat and eat.

• 47:13Jemma Sbeg?

  And then like, when you move, I'm guessing now we're gonna go into the rhythm stage, into the stage. It's like having like an incredibly nourishing home cooked meal. Yeah, it might not like taste as like electric as a bowl of like literal gummy bears, but like it's so much better for you and it does actually taste better as well. Let's talk about the rhythm stage. You've explained how we get to this stage by moving through conflict, being vulnerable, all those other rites of passage. What does it feel like in this moment?

• 47:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, I love your analogy so much. I've often said it's sort of like the pleasure seeking versus the fulfillment.

• 47:52Jemma Sbeg?

  Oh, I love that.

• 47:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, we get this like, ooh, exciting, but like fulfillment can always outgrow pleasure seeking, you know, like fulfillment grows and grows and grows and there's a depth to it and, and pleasure always hits like a glass ceiling. Like, okay, cool, this is exciting, but you can only really get so far, but the, the depth of like love and, and care that you can feel somebody for somebody when you know them so well and, and you've talked things out and, and you've let them see you so deeply and you've felt seen and known and understood. Like, it's just such a totally different experience. I, I love that analogy, the candy versus the home cooked meal, which is more nourishing and better for you. And yeah, that's fantastic. Um, so once we get into the rhythm stage, I think you described it so beautifully. It's like, you'll feel this depth of love and you'll feel nourished by the

• 48:38Speaker 03

  relationship in a really profound way. And you'll know that there's a sense of comfort there, the sense of peace, the sense of, um, being able to rely on this person. You'll feel like that person really knows you and you've let them in. And, you know, so many people, they, they get stuck, and I know I mentioned this at a high level earlier, but like so many people get stuck in the power struggle stage.

• 49:02Speaker 03

  And then they they don't get the opportunity to think that relationships are more than just the highs and lows. And that's another really important thing, you know, for people to hear, I find, is that, hey, just because you're going through a hard time doesn't mean that that's like the cap of of the relationship. Once you can learn communication and vulnerability in these practices, all of a sudden, the needle moves, like, all of a sudden, things change. And and you get to enrich, it's almost like you level up in a in a really big way. And so, in the rhythm stage, one of the first things that happens is like you catch your breath. Quite honestly, like, there's a settling in, there's a fulfillment, there's a contentment, because you're kind of coming from like high high of dating and honeymoon, and then low low of the power struggle by comparison. And then it's like, oh, my gosh, we get to

• 49:45Speaker 03

  this middle ground, this harmonious space, the space where we're not having conflict, we we almost like preemptively avoid conflict by just looking out for each other. And this is the place too, and I think this is another really important thing, you know, when I was when I was a kid, and I don't, I don't know if you've had this experience, but when I was a kid, I remember being like a teenager and dating somebody and maybe even being in like a pretty serious relationship at like 18, and thinking, how could this possibly like, how could this possibly last forever? Like, how do I possibly know I won't get bored in 10 years, or they won't get bored? Like, sure, I like them now, and like, we're all great now, but like, inevitably, things have to fall apart. Like, how could you know you're not going to change your mind? And I remember really grappling with that a lot when I was

• 50:30Speaker 03

  younger, and thinking like, how would you know? But it's because I had never been out of a power struggle stage, or in anything beyond the power struggle. And one of the things that happens when you leave the power struggle and you get into the rhythm is it's like, you've just nurtured something, you've just like cared so much for something, you've just cared for this relationship, and you've been cared for, and you've like developed something so deep and meaningful, that now this idea that you could just get bored of it, or that they could get bored of you, or these feel like superficial ideas, like, it feels silly to think that. And and it's because you put the work in. And when we put the work into something, and we devote to it, and we show up, and there's all of this growth and progress and depth. Of course, you don't want to sabotage it or just change your mind.

• 51:14Speaker 03

  The rhythm stage, interestingly enough, actually is quite short lived after the power struggle. So usually after the power struggle, we have that, that, you know, the power struggle can last forever. People can actually stay married for decades. They'll just like live and die in the power struggle.

• 51:29Jemma Sbeg?

  That sounds awful. Yeah, do not let that bind me.

• 51:34Speaker 03

  And then, and then if we do make it out though, the rhythm stages is short. It's usually another six months or so, um, sometimes even three months before we move into the devotion stage. And the devotion stage is where we start to really move into long-term commitments. We start thinking about like, okay, marriage and children, maybe even like building a business together. These really like long, long-term commitments. Because, you know, you can get to a space where it's like there's a, you have kids. It's, it's a lifelong commitment for the rest of your life, right? So you have this, this space. And in the commitment stage, you'll see that we feel that we're in this rhythm. We're coming out of the rhythm stage. We know how to navigate hard things. There's a trust in each other that we can move through hard things together.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  And there's a security in that, that then allows people to start really getting excited to plan for the future and to make bigger moves. And that's where we're in that real devotion stage. Both people will be mutually devoted in this stage. That's where you get like reciprocity. Both people know they have this sort of sacred belief in the trust and harmony together. And that's the space that now people are like, okay, we've got this. I know this is the right person. I can see myself building a whole life with this person for the long haul. And that's really the prerequisite then, of course, to, to the everlasting stage.

• 52:46Jemma Sbeg?

  Okay, before we talk about everlasting stage, a couple of things I want to ask you about slash stick around in this space for a bit. I find it so interesting what you said by people trying to move from the power struggle phase into the devotion stage without moving either through the power struggle stage or the rhythm stage. This is, I have seen this. People are like fighting, having terrible issues and they're like, let's move in together. Let's have a baby. And I'm like, if you, if this is hard now, imagine how much harder it's going to be when you have find additional financial pressures, when you have a living creature that you have to take care of, like a baby.

• 53:27Jemma Sbeg?

  I just feel like it just is so difficult to navigate with those like additional struggles. Speaking of partners, I'm just on a call.

• 53:37Jemma Sbeg?

  Wait, you can come in.

• 53:39Speaker 03

  Hi.

• 53:42Jemma Sbeg?

  Let me get back to what I was saying. Like, yeah, if you think, if you think things are hard now, like when you have additional financial pressure, when you see each other every single day and you haven't learned how to fight yet because you live together or have a baby together, like it's going to get so much worse and so much harder.

• 54:00Speaker 03

  100%. And honestly, exactly what you said is like one of the truest things. So, so many times I would see people stuck in the power struggle, don't know how to navigate it. They're a couple of years in and they, they go, okay, let's have a baby. And, and honestly, it's almost like trying to put a, a sense of novelty on something that requires vulnerability. It's like, let's do a new big thing together. And I would see countless, countless times, quite honestly, couples who would come in and they had, you know, because they obviously ran a busy practice back in the day for, for quite a while. And people would come in and they'd say, Taiz, we're here to do counseling. We've broken up. We had a baby and, you know, we are a couple of years into clearly what was the power struggle. And they had a baby hoping it

• 54:45Speaker 03

  would be the, the save all. And, um, and instead it broke them down, right? And, and broke them up. And so you can repair those things at that point for sure, um, by learning the, the tools in the power circle stage that you need to. But, um, so often people A, have no idea that there's different stages of relationships and B, think that they're going to solve it by just adding new things to do instead of actually navigating the core problems. And so, yeah, I just absolutely could not agree more with that.

• 55:10Jemma Sbeg?

  Yeah. Okay. We're going to take one more short break before we talk about the final stage, the everlasting stage. So stay with us. We'll be right back.

• 55:22Speaker 04

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• 55:51Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 56:29Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a daughter and information-driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me

• 57:09Jemma Sbeg?

  these actionable personalized insights that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. No two journeys look alike. That's why SkyMiles is designed to move with you wherever life takes you. Fly, it flies with you on new adventures, family getaways, business trips, and the moments that matter most. Earn, it earns alongside your everyday life. It dines with you on special nights

• 57:49Jemma Sbeg?

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• 58:33Jemma Sbeg?

  Because when your membership is as unique as you are, there's no telling where your next journey will take you.

• 58:40Jemma Sbeg?

  Growth isn't linear, there's no magic timeline or secret template. And no one understands that quite like Southern New Hampshire University. Because SNHU has online degree programs built for whatever path you are on. Tried college before? Transfer up to ninety credits. And if you're new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor. And here's the best part, there's no set class times, so school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit SNHU.edu/psych. That's SNHU.edu/psych. Okay, so you're at the devotion stage. You know, you're very happy.

• 59:25Jemma Sbeg?

  You're committed. Maybe you're engaged in it, you know, you're engaged and you feel like this is the one forever. There is another stage, which is the everlasting stage. And my question for you is,

• 59:38Jemma Sbeg?

  does everyone from the devotion stage get to the everlasting stage? Or why would people in the devotion stage still choose to break up or have a breakup occur to them? Before they get to everlasting?

• 59:50Speaker 03

  Such a good question. So I would say the only major reason that I've ever seen people break up once in the devotion stage is because of some sort of external event that's extremely painful that essentially causes an identity crisis in one or both people and therefore everything they built sort of gets destroyed. So it's it sounds very dramatic and but honestly, once you're at the devotion stage, almost every person ends up in the everlasting stage. They start actioning these things out. But let's say, for example, that one person and I'll tell a story. There's some sad ones, you know, of people who I saw over the years who were in the devotion stage and then broke up and, and, and, you know, in one particular case, this is

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  one of the less sad ones, but in one particular case, one person lost both of their parents in a year, right? Both their parents

• 1:00:39Jemma Sbeg?

  That's the less sad one?

• 1:00:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's the less sad

• 1:00:42Jemma Sbeg?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:00:43Speaker 03

  That's a tragic one. I know. Sorry. I should have said like a trigger warning ahead of time because it's sad, but, but, um, but truly like, you know, and, and what happened is that person then spiraled into this really deep depression. And then they ended up in a space where they weren't showing up for the relationship. They were kind of angry. They had a chip on their shoulder. They didn't know how to communicate what they needed from this place of depression. They knew how to communicate and navigate other things from earlier, but in this depth of what they were experiencing, they were like, what am I experiencing? What am I feeling? And so I actually ended up working with this, this client who came to me to heal from a breakup after that. And they didn't know about the life cycle of relationships. They didn't know about how to process grief or there's sort of a lot in there. But those types of situations where there's

• 1:01:26Speaker 03

  something really tragic and extreme that causes this person to not even know how to navigate their own lives. And then they can't show up for the relationship. And then we can backslide into, you know, back in the power struggle and then break up from there if there's something really big. If there's not something really big, generally, once you're in the devotion stage, people move into the everlasting stage. It's just about, do we do the work necessary? Even people who have commitment fears and, and you think, okay, there's this big fear of commitment, would that be something that causes people to backslide? Um, even people with big commitment fears, generally at the point where you've you've learned to navigate things, talk things out, hash things through really well.

• 1:02:07Speaker 03

  Those commitment fears essentially don't get a chance to see daylight over time because you're showing up with such a commitment to the relationship to get out of the power struggle stage that you're learning like, oh, commitment is scary. Because I'm scared of being trapped in some in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs. And when you know how to navigate your needs and talk about them, and then you're fulfilled in the relationship. People's commitment fear just happens to go away at the same time because commitment fears are rooted in the fear of actually being trapped and not being able to get your needs met. So, um, once we get into the devotion stage, you're extremely likely to move into the everlasting stage. It's sort of like the inevitable next step and the rite of passage that moves you from there into the everlasting stage is all about, in in particular, acting out the things that you were devoted to.

• 1:02:52Speaker 03

  So the devotion devotion stage will sort of talk about them, I, you know, share ideas, we should have kids, we should, you know, move into this place, we should get married, we should do all these things. But what moves you into the everlasting stage is then that you're actually actioning them out. You have your first, oh, do you, you know, you, you have your wedding, you do all these things. And and so now the everlasting stage is actually about building and creating a life together. And it's marked by things like, you know, merging your finances, having conversations about how you want to invest your money in the long run. Or what things you want to spend your time doing, or who's going to be, you know, taking care of the kids, what kind of parents we want to be. It's marked by like these types of conversations that are much more rooted in how do we build, what life are we co-creating?

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  What does this look like? Um, and really moving from that space in particular is where where you see you're definitely in that everlasting stage specifically.

• 1:03:46Jemma Sbeg?

  I also feel like I I'm thinking now about those those like the the snares, like the things that grab people and stop them from getting to devotion and everlasting. And I feel like also that might be a requirement. I don't know if if this is something you found as well, to get through something that shifts your identity or shifts you as people. That you still are like, well, that's okay and we can grow through it. And I was like, thinking about them. I was like, you know, maybe not being able to have kids would be like a really big one. That you like have to decide like, can I do this or like, is this really, you know, that would be really difficult. Um. Like having a bit of like a midlife crisis, I'm sure happens to a lot of people as well, like.

• 1:04:24Jemma Sbeg?

  Losing like a career that like you were devoted to, like a natural disaster. Like I'm thinking about all these things and I'm like. Probably because they change you and and maybe they put you back into that stage as well. And maybe that's why you see. I'm thinking about like kind of my parents' friends now and like my like older friends. And these situations where it's like we, something terrible happened or something so large happened that. We actually came out of it as a different person, but some of them still get back together and they go back through this entire thing. So it's like.

• 1:05:01Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:05:01Jemma Sbeg?

  I'm thinking about like two instances in particular where I'm like, oh, this terrible like, or not even, it wasn't terrible. It was just. Earth shattering, like it happened and then, but they ended up getting back together and it was so interesting. Like they went back through all these stages. And they got married again and like all these things. I'm like, wow, it's, it's so. It's so fascinating.

• 1:05:25Speaker 03

  So you just nailed it. So that's exactly what it is. So, so you can have these things and the, the root of what actually can cause. Cause, cause nobody really breaks up in the devotion stage, but we can backslide back into the power struggle. And the things that would cause us to backslide back to the power struggle. Is if you think of the power struggle as being rooted in our ability to communicate our needs, share our fears, open up vulnerably about our feelings. Learn each other through that space, learn to navigate those things collectively. Then what happens is if there's something, just like you said, a natural disaster or somebody not being able to have kids a hundred percent, these things that it's actually rooted in. One or both people having an identity crisis that then causes them, even though you originally did the work. It changed who you were as a person, exactly like you said.

• 1:06:07Jemma Sbeg?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:07Speaker 03

  Because you had an identity crisis and now you're relegated just, just by, by nature, you're relegated back into the power. Struggle stage because now you have new fears. Now you have new wounds. Now you have new needs in the relationship because you became a new person. The situation or event changed you enough that the things you learned about the person in the power struggle stage in your relationship have dramatically changed because they have changed dramatically. And so now you have to go back through this relearning stage, relearning to navigate, talking about the new fears, the new flaws. And if you do that, you'll then move back through the stages and you progress again.

• 1:06:40Jemma Sbeg?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:41Speaker 03

  But if we don't, and if we don't know how to navigate ourselves, sort of like that client I mentioned who fell into that deep depression and came to me after they had already broken up with their ex and they weren't looking to get back together at that point because it was quite a while after the fact.

• 1:06:56Speaker 03

  But they didn't know who they were in that depression. And so they then didn't know how to say what they needed. They didn't know how to be vulnerable about what they were feeling or how to express it or explain it. And so they ultimately had to do a lot of healing and work within themselves to then be able to come back and be functional for a new relationship as a new person.

• 1:07:14Jemma Sbeg?

  Hmm. Yeah, this is so fascinating. I could talk about this all day. I want to ask you like two final questions, though. They've just kind of come up for me. I'm like listening to this. I'm like, oh, what would the listeners want to know? Like, what are they thinking? The first thing I'm thinking is, can you skip any of the stages? Because there are people who seem to really get to devotion really quickly.

• 1:07:37Speaker 03

  Great question. So you can speed them up, but you don't skip. So you'll generally see, for example, securely attached people who have like a very secure upbringing or who are insecure before getting into a relationship. They can move into the dating quite quickly, move through the dating. They know what they want. They're a little more clear. They might move from dating into honeymoon quickly. And because securely attached people with healthy habits going into relationships, they naturally talk about their needs from the jump. They're a little more vulnerable earlier on. They're quite intentional. They have healthy tools already that equip them to navigate conflict. You'll see a very short power struggle stage. Secure people still go through a power struggle stage. They just have a shorter version of it.

• 1:08:20Speaker 03

  And then if you're looking, okay, let's say somebody made a commitment within two months. So they went from dating into honeymoon honeymoon lasted a period of time like let's say a year after the the fact and then power struggle maybe another three months. Um, then you're in the rhythm, another couple of months and you're in the devotion quite quickly. So you can see like a shortened time horizon for sure, especially if we date right. If we have really healthy habits for conflict early on, if we set ourselves up for success by having harder conversations, more vulnerably earlier um and and setting the tone that way. Um, and so you can see a shortened version, but um, people will still navigate each of the stages. And even people who get married and seem to be married from a secure base. So so let's say somebody for like religious reasons.

• 1:09:04Speaker 03

  Um, I have a friend, for example, and he proposed to his wife, I think around six months. And, you know, and they got married and they they have a very healthy, loving relationship. But it was a quick, quick turnaround, right? Propose in six months, got married quickly. And and even him and people in these types of situations, they got married early. They had health, like a really healthy foundation, but they still had their version of a power struggle stage at a point in time, right? When they moved in together and got married. They had to like navigate it for a minute and have the harder conversations. So you'll still see each of the stages that we have. You can just see a smaller time horizon for different external reasons at times. And of course, that means that part of like the hack and the trick is you want to get your your,

• 1:09:47Speaker 03

  you know, your healing done right ahead of time. So you're ready to date in a more secure way. Because it just makes the the entire life cycle of a relationship so much easier. And again, it's part of the reason it's statistically like statistics show that roughly fifty percent of of the population is securely attached, although that seems to sort of be on a downward trend. Um, but fifty, when you see securely attached people, they also report being in the long game, longest lasting relationships and being the most fulfilled and securely attached people. They um, they tend to, when they get into relationships, they stay in them, right? Because they they they're well prepared for these stages earlier on. Um, and

• 1:10:24Jemma Sbeg?

  And I think they also choose better early on as well. Because they're like, I'm like thinking about that and I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, because they're not just going after like the emotionally unavailable. Person, you know what I mean?

• 1:10:35Speaker 03

  They vet. Exactly.

• 1:10:37Jemma Sbeg?

  It's all comes together.

• 1:10:39Speaker 03

  And they they date really well, like they date with intention and they won't put up with much BS, right? If somebody's treating them in a bad way, they're like, sorry, no, I don't, I don't put up with this. And so because they do that, they set themselves up for so much success in the power struggle. So the power struggle isn't this big, drawn out lasting thing. It's this sort of short little blip in the radar that's like a little tiny road bump and they keep it moving.

• 1:11:01Jemma Sbeg?

  Yeah. Okay. I have so many other questions that I want to ask you, but like we, we need to wrap up the episode. My final question is the one that we ask every single guest who comes on the show. I think I've actually asked you this before, but I'm going to ask it again, which is, what is the one piece of advice you wish you had in your twenties that has nothing to do with what we talked about today?

• 1:11:23Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh, it's so funny, Gemma, because as soon as you said it, I was like, I remembered exactly what I would say, which was what, what you asked me the last time and I said to be compassionate towards yourself and I had this like flashback moment. But you know what I would say in my twenties, and I'll actually just say what helped me the most in my twenties, is, you know, I was somebody who was like, I grew up in chaos and I was fearful, avoidant and I was, had all these like wounds and all of it. And I had a lot of what you would call injustices as a kid, like lots of hard things and lots of really, you know, pretty traumatic situations and things like that. And, and when I was until my very early twenties, I held on to that really tight. I was like, all these bad things happened to me. Nobody understands, nobody.

• 1:12:09Speaker 03

  And it was my story of myself and I went through a sort of personal rock bottom in my life where I was like, oh my God, nobody's going to save me. I have to save me. I have to show up. And me holding on to all these hard things and then justifying that I should numb out or hide from things or be angry or be, you know, carry my hurt around and have a chip on my shoulder. I'm only hurting me when I do that. And, well, you know, one of the most pivotal things that I, I did that I, you know, thank God for is I was like, oh, I have to realize that my personal response. Ability for life is my freedom and it's not my fault that things happen to me, but it is my responsibility to change them and only I can do that. And I really poured into like learning and researching and doing the work.

• 1:12:53Speaker 03

  And obviously, like everybody who's listening to the show is learning and researching and, and you know, and setting the tone to do that. And I think pouring into really doing the work, if you come from like a hard background of relationships or tough things, um, it doesn't have to be your story for the whole rest of your life. It can literally be like, okay, great. I'm choosing to take responsibility for, for my own conditioning, even though I didn't choose it and, and work to rewire, work to recondition, work to heal. And I really think that that's like the greatest gift that people can give to themselves. And it just opens up the world for like a future on your terms going forward.

• 1:13:25Jemma Sbeg?

  And it is freedom. The work is freedom. And it's freedom. Well, thank you again for coming on. I'm going to make sure that we leave all your links to your school and your courses and you and your YouTube, like every way and which way and which place you can find Tice, I will make sure that you can find her because I love what you do and I love your work and how you explain things. Um, so thank you again. As always, you can follow us on Instagram at that psychology podcast. Make sure that you are following along. It's the middle of December guest month and we have so many other fantastic guests that I cannot wait for you guys to hear from. So if you're not already following us, you don't want to miss listening to them and hearing from them as well. But until next time, stay safe, be kind,

• 1:14:10Jemma Sbeg?

  be gentle to yourself and we will talk very, very soon.

• 1:14:18Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 1:14:56Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information-driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable personalized insights

• 1:15:38Jemma Sbeg?

  that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. Hi, this is Jemma Sbeg. Taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean completely changing your routine. Naturewise Vitamin D3 is an easy way to support immune, bone, and muscle health every single day. And because quality matters, Naturewise has one of the first NSF-certified Vitamin D3 currently on the market.

• 1:16:23Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:17:04Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:17:24Speaker 00

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