Episode 478: Why Team Sports Are Non-Negotiable for Building Resilient Kids

Listen to the full episode: https://mindpumppodcast.com/2575-raising-resilient-children-with-jen-cohen/ Team sports aren't just about physical fitness - they're a masterclass in life preparation. In this Fitness Friday excerpt from my Mind Pump Podcast conversation, we dive into why putting your kids in team sports between ages 3-10 is absolutely critical for their development. We discuss how sports serve as a microcosm of life, teaching kids essential lessons about failure, merit-based performance, and working with difficult people. From learning that someone will always be better than you to discovering natural leadership qualities, sports provide irreplaceable real-world education that no classroom can replicate. Tune in to discover why the "everybody wins" mentality is robbing children of crucial life lessons and how modern parenting trends are creating a generation unprepared for real-world challenges. What we discuss: Why Team Sports Are Essential Between Ages 3-10 The Dangerous Rise of "Everybody Wins" Culture in Youth Sports How Sports Teach Kids That Someone Will Always Be Better Why Parents Are Ruining Sports by Praising Talent Over Effort The Problem with Moving Kids to "Easier" Teams How NIL Deals Are Destroying Loyalty in College Sports Why Sports Are Practice for the Game of Life The Lost Art of Sitting on the Bench and Supporting Teammates How to Use Sports to Build Natural Leadership Skills Thank you to our sponsor: Momentous: Shop this link https://www.livemomentous.com/?srsltid=AfmBOorDUIZz3psr1Qsq_n1yE8_6JTq_QUFabOO9lH65HDEXCIoJOPLj and use code Jen for 20% off Therasage: Head over to therasage.com http://therasage.com/ and use code Be Bold for 15% off TruNiagen: Head over to truniagen.com http://truniagen.com/ and use code HUSTLE20 to get $20 off any purchase over $100. Magic Mind: Head over to www http://www/.magicmind.com http://magicmind.com//jen and use code Jen at checkout. 99designs by Vista: 99designs.com/jen20 http://99designs.com/jen20 – click "Claim my discount" to get $20 off your first design contest. Find more from Mind Pump: Website: https://mindpumppodcast.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindpumpmedia/ Find more from Jen: Website: https://www.jennifercohen.com/ Instagram: @therealjencohen Books: https://www.jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: https://www.jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagements

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Hi guys, this is Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it.

• 0:07Jen Cohen?

  Hey friends, you're listening to Fitness Friday on the Habits and Hustle Podcast, where myself and my friends share quick and very actionable advice for you becoming your healthiest self. So stay tuned and let me know how you leveled up.

• 0:29Jen Cohen?

  Before we dive into today's episode, I want to thank our sponsor Momentous. When your goal is health span, living better and longer, there are very few non-negotiables. One of them, quality. And when it comes to supplements designed for high performers, nobody does it better than Momentous. Momentus goes all in on NSF certification, which means every single batch is tested for heavy metals, harmful additives, and label accuracy. And that's why they're trusted by all 32 NFL teams and top collegiate sports dietitians across the country. Here's the thing, they don't sell every supplement under the sun,

• 1:11Jen Cohen?

  because they believe in nailing the basics with rock solid consistency, and those basics are protein and creatine. Momentus sources Creapure, the purest form of creatine monohydrate available, an absolute must for both men and women who want peak physical and cognitive performance. So if you're serious about leveling up, go to livemomentous.com and use code GEN for 20% off. Just act now. Start today. GEN for 20% off. livemomentous.com.

• 1:55Speaker 02

  Sports, play, working out are the three things that we have to find a way to get our kids involved in.

• 2:04Jen Cohen?

  So you did listen to my TED Talk.

• 2:09Jen Cohen?

  I say, I say that, I say that fitness, huge, team sports, huge. Anyone who's not putting their kids in team sports before, between the ages of, let's say, three to 10 is doing a major disservice to your kid because that's where you learn all these team building things.

• 2:28Speaker 02

  If you are going to allow them to use the phone and iPads and tools like that, you have to at least counter with that. You have to, otherwise you are almost for sure signing them up to have social anxiety, depression and all those things. If they, you allow that and you don't put them in those, because there's hope if they at least get a team sport. Because they're going to learn, what I love about sports is you're gonna fail, someone's gonna be better than you. You're gonna have to communicate.

• 2:54Jen Cohen?

  I think you just said the key thing though, somebody's gonna be better than you. This is one we have not spoken about yet, guys, which is in life, there are winners, there are losers, there are people who are average, there are people who are better than average. And guess what? You may not have great talent, but if you work your ass off, you can move yourself from a three to a seven, right? That's where you learn these things, right? If you don't have, instead, and this is where parents really are screwing up their kids because they want to tell their kids, oh, you're amazing, you're the best, you're the best. Worst thing you can do.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:29Jen Cohen?

  By telling your kid how great they are, worst thing you can do.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  No, praise their work.

• 3:33Jen Cohen?

  Praise their work and their effort, don't praise, don't tell them how great they are.

• 3:37Speaker 03

  You know why that's a problem? The reason why that's an issue is if you, this happened to me as a kid, if you constantly tell a kid, you're so smart, you're so smart, or you're so pretty, or you're so great, you're so great, the second they encounter a challenge that counters that, they'll crumble. They'll flee.

• 3:54Jen Cohen?

  Yeah.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  This happened to me as a kid, I was always told how smart I was, you're so smart, you're so smart, you're so smart. And then I got into...

• 3:59Jen Cohen?

  Oh, I did that to you too.

• 4:00Speaker 03

  That's okay, as an adult, you can say it all you want, you said, figured this out. But then when I encountered actual challenges, I'm like, oh, I'm struggling, not gonna even try. Because I don't want to destroy the image of how smart I was versus, wow, I can see you really worked hard at that.

• 4:14Jen Cohen?

  Yes.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  I can see you enjoy that.

• 4:16Jen Cohen?

  Or see, or see, look, I say that to my daughter all the time. I'm like, look, look, you work, you put so much effort into that. You worked so hard on that. And now look at the results of this. Versus like, you know, basically praising that effort versus just like, oh, you're so wonderful. Anything you do is great. Or that the coach doesn't like you, screw him. Let's go to another team. That's what's happening. Parents are pulling their kids off of teams of sports because their kids are not getting enough playtime. Their, the coaches are benching them, which is what, which is happening all the time. And so basically the parents are moving them to different teams. And where the coaches now are like, it becomes this whole thing where coaches are so scared and fearful of losing these players, losing the money.

• 4:59Jen Cohen?

  Where now like, everybody's going to have equal amount of time to play.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  Are you familiar with how, uh, how NIL is doing that to college sports right now?

• 5:08Jen Cohen?

  No.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Right now, there's this, there's this huge like problem in college sports with the introduction of NIL, which is basically kids that can get paid now for sports.

• 5:18Jen Cohen?

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  And because they have these options, you have scenarios where a college football team or a college basketball team goes and shops all the other schools that are willing to set them up with better NIL deals. And then the whole team leaves at once. So literally the, the coach comes in the next season and all of his players are looking to move out somewhere else because they've been able to shop other. The grass is greener on the other side. Someone else is willing to pay them. Someone else is willing. And so we haven't even figured out how we're going to solve this.

• 5:47Speaker 04

  Dude, I had never heard of kids transferring just to get to another school because they thought they had a better opportunity. Sorry, you live here, you go to this school. And it was like this loyalty, there's no loyalty anymore. Uh, and the coaches are having to face that.

• 6:02Jen Cohen?

  No, it's terrible.

• 6:03Speaker 03

  Well, here's what you, so this is the thing about sports that I think a lot of people don't realize is we're listing all the attributes. But really the reason why sports exists in the first place, the reason why games exist in the first place is what games are, is games are life. But boiled down to an hour or an hour and a half with specific rules.

• 6:22Jen Cohen?

  Right.

• 6:22Speaker 03

  So we could play the game of life, uh, in this. Uh, in this sport or this game.

• 6:27Jen Cohen?

  It's a microcosm.

• 6:29Speaker 03

  That's all it is. That's all it is. And so you're practicing life is what you're doing. And what we've done, uh, two things that we've done with sports that have, in my opinion, ruined it. One is, uh, everybody wins, nobody loses, which is stupid. Keeping score. Cause there is, cause you're not, they're not learning life in that sense. Cause life is, life hits you all the time. Okay. The other thing is we've, we've, on the other extreme is we've boiled sports into money. You make money. That's what's good about this. So now these kids who are getting paid aren't learning life. They're just learning it's about money, which is, which is equally terrible. So when you put your kids in sports, you need to think about is I, my child is practicing, uh, the game of life for the next forty five minutes. That's all they're doing.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  And so if they sit on the bench, what is that show about life? Sometimes they can't participate. Sometimes they can't participate, but they need to support. Because that's how life is. Or when they're playing and they're winning, there's lessons there too. Hey, you did a good job. Oh, your pride is building up. Let's talk about that for a second. You're not a badass like you think you are. Make sure you support your other teammates. Or they get their asses kicked and they lose great lessons and losing because that's what life's going to show you. They learn how to work with other people. They need to learn how to work with difficult people. That's it. It's all of that. It's conflict resolution.

• 7:42Jen Cohen?

  It's conflict resolution is a big one. And also it shows you who are naturally born leaders. And where you have to, where you, where you are in the slot of life.

• 7:52Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:52Jen Cohen?

  I think it's a very teachable moment, right? Like, I think that you can learn a lot about your own dynamic. What makes kids likable versus not likable? If you, uh, how you treat others, how you will be then treated or whatever these things are. Like, these are fundamental qualities that are just being completely decimated.

• 8:14Speaker 03

  I love that you said that, that about leadership because what's, what's great about that. And so you gotta think about, as a parent, again, think about life, okay, for a second. I think when we think of sports, we think the automatic leader is the best player on the team. There are many teams where the worst player is the leader of the team because of the one that pull the team forward. They're the ones like that. What's that movie Rudy? Where you got that kid on the team that sucks. But everybody rallies around them because of their spirit, uh, because they bring everybody together.

• 8:41Jen Cohen?

  Yep.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  So it's not about your kid being the best or the worst or in the middle. It's like, it's so much more complicated. The problem with it is it seems simple. And so we relegated it to, oh, it's just you scored a goal or you don't. Maybe we shouldn't have them lose because the kids cry when they lose and we don't want that type of deal. No, no, no. It is way more complex. And as long as society has existed, games have existed. And the reason why they've existed is because they're extremely, extremely valuable. So putting your kids in them is incredibly important. And then back to like challenging with your kids. We've talked about this, right? Our kids are growing up very privileged from a worldly sense, right? My kids have way more money than I did as a kid. They live in a nicer house. It's like, you know, they have to worry about a lot of things that I did.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  So how am I going to help them become resilient? You know what I'm going to do? Cause they're still going to have challenges. They're going to get frustrated when they try to build something. It doesn't work. They're going to get upset when something happens they don't want. They're going to go play with the kid that's they don't like or whatever. I don't jump in.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  So I, I create this kind of Lord of the Flies type of like scenario, right?

• 9:46Jen Cohen?

  I, I feel like to survive, what we should do with our kids. It's the truth though. Aren't, we should create a Lord of the Flies scenario with our kids and the survival of the fittest, right? Like I don't jump in. Like I want my kid to, I want to see how they fend for themselves without me getting involved. That socially, that's with a lot of stuff. Like there's been a ton of situations recently with, with, uh, my daughter, right? Cause girls can be horrid. Okay. Girls are worse than boys. Like, and it starts young, right? With like social and all these other emotional, social.

• 10:22Speaker 03

  You guys are socially, you guys are, are born more socially intelligent. That's why. You understand social complexity. So girls do the whole like.

• 10:31Jen Cohen?

  Well, girls are catty at any age.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  Well, they build their alliances.

• 10:34Jen Cohen?

  They build their alliances like Lord of the Flies. I'm telling you, it's very much like Lord of the Flies. And it's so easy for, uh, especially because like you don't want to see your kid hurting. It's like horrible, right? To not jump in, right? But like, the second you jump in, you're, you're, you're taking that game and you're like, the game is over, right? You need to see how your kid

• 10:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:56Jen Cohen?

  can actually fend for themselves in that environment. With girls especially, it is, it's a doggy dog world out there for these girls. Let's just see, like, let's see how, how you survive or how you fend for yourself. So I like to just sit back and watch. Now, as much as it kills me, because I want to like, tear the head off of these, some of these 10 year old girls. I swear I would if I, if I wasn't going to be put in jail. But at the same time, like, that's how they build grit. Like, that's how they build toughness. That's how you really build toughness, when you really step away as a parent and say, you know what? You're doing this on your own. You're going to take care of that fight by yourself. You're going to go, if you, if you, if you, if you want to go on that dance group, if you want to be on that soccer team,

• 11:39Jen Cohen?

  you know, like, you got to practice or you're going to be booted out. Like, put them in places where it's hard. Make them do shit that they don't want to do. Put them on teams they don't want to be on and see how they fend for themselves.

• 11:50Speaker 03

  Social integration piece to what you're describing, if, if there's conflict amongst the peers and the groups, they have to learn how to interact with each other and resolve it themselves.

• 12:00Jen Cohen?

  Oh, and if they know.

• 12:01Speaker 03

  In the way of that.

• 12:01Speaker 04

  They will if you stay out of the way.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  They absolutely will.

• 12:03Jen Cohen?

  And this is what I've learned from, from my observation in, as, and, and meeting a bazillion people I know, and I'm sure you guys too have, have maybe found the same thing. The people that had the most challenges as kids were the best adults. They were the coolest, they were the most resourceful, they were the strongest, they were the most, like, able, like, willing and abled for people who had true success in life.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  You know, you're, you're right. The root of this, you got to, this is important though. The root of this is a child has to feel secure with their parent. And, and that's because they have a home base that they feel secure with, they could take these risks.

• 12:44Jen Cohen?

  Unless they just boot them out and be like, bye, you're not coming back home.

• 12:47Speaker 03

  But the people are like, what's that security look like? The security looks like this. I have a consistent parent there who's consistent with me. They're not sometimes going to Screaming me when I do something, they're just very consistent.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  They're fair and honest.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  They're fair, they're honest, they're there for me emotionally. So I'm gonna go to them and be like, oh, you know, the soccer team won't let me play. And, and mom's like, that sucks, you know, I'm here for you. But mom's not gonna go talk to the coach.

• 13:11Jen Cohen?

  Well, that's the thing.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Fix it for you, but I'm here to provide you with that security. So they feel secure with that, with that home base.

• 13:18Jen Cohen?

  That's the truth. That's a very good point.

• 13:19Speaker 03

  That is. Now, I'm gonna tell, it's gonna be controversial, and I'm sure people are gonna get mad at this. This is a fact, though. I'll, I'll argue this all day long. The root of what's happened with what you're labeling as woke culture, or what you're labeling as like this gentle parenting, or letting your kids do whatever. The root of this, because a lot of what you're talking about, play, risk, challenge, figure this out kiddo, is dad. And dad has been gone. So if you look at the data on what has happened culturally, is there are a lot of fatherless homes that have existed, a lot of moms, and moms have tons of value. But what moms don't do nearly as well as dads, and the data is a fact on this, okay? Rough and tumble play, and, and pushing your kids a little bit to take risks, right?

• 14:02Speaker 03

  Mom's the one that says, don't throw him so high in the air, that's scary. Like, oh, wait, don't let him do that thing. And dad's the one that's like, no, no, we'll push him a little bit. Let's let him go do this thing a little bit. Let's. And so dads have been gone, moms have been going to the games, and it's moms that are saying everybody needs to get a trophy. It's not fair that my kid is crying. It's not fear that my kid isn't playing. And I'm not blaming moms. Moms are doing the best that they can. Dad's gone. So dad needs to be involved, and it's the dads that provide what you're talking about that's lacking. So a lot of this is the, the, the non-involvement of fathers. When dads are involved, you see a lot of this disappear.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  That's an interesting.

• 14:37Jen Cohen?

  Very interesting.

• 14:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, because if, if you take like, again, this is anecdotal, because my own experience, right? I think right away, my two best friends, I go all the way back to their childhood. They would tell you that their, their dad didn't, couldn't do anything. And they're, they both, they both come from homes, parents are married, stayed together forever. Mom ran everything.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:54Speaker 02

  You know, mom ran everything. Dad was not, dad didn't do, dad worked. Dad worked all day long, did his thing. And, I mean, they didn't turn out weak. They both are strong men and successful and, and figured it out without dad being. In involved. So I don't know if you can pinpoint it to that.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  So you

• 15:11Speaker 02

  Because mom can do that. Mom could potentially.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  So here's what the data shows dad just being there is a million times better than dad not even being there.

• 15:19Jen Cohen?

  No, I agree with you.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  Than that is a dad that's involved, who's consistent, who provides those things like rough and tumble plays a big deal. Right. So playing rough with your kids, which dads seem to do.

• 15:30Speaker 02

  I mean, so here's, I guess, I guess the point that I'm trying to argue because I what you're going to hear from me. And it's just because I have such a strong stance on the iPhone. Uh, been screaming it on this podcast for fucking 10 years almost now. Uh, I just think that that takes away so much.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  You're right.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  That all these things that you're saying isn't, you're not wrong. You're right.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  Cause this, these trends were happening before the iPhone.

• 15:54Jen Cohen?

  Yeah. So I think you're totally right.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  So it requires it because otherwise if, if, cause let's say you don't have a dad. I mean, obviously I didn't have the most consistent parenting stuff going on at my house and figured all this stuff out. But it's, I played and I interacted with kids and I did sport. And so because I did all that, it filled all those gaps.

• 16:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  That, and, and without that, I feel like.

• 16:14Speaker 03

  Have you seen, have you seen children without fathers who play organized sports and what the coach does for them?

• 16:19Jen Cohen?

  Yes. Okay. First of all, this is what's interesting about both of this. You're both right. So if we didn't have smartphones and there's so much data on this. We would be left with hours and hours a day to be bored.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 16:32Jen Cohen?

  We would have to figure shit out. We would have to be like, okay, um, where's Bobby at? Maybe we can go for a bike ride. Uh, where's Lucy? Maybe we can like climb that tree or do this painting because we are, because now every time, every minute, even if we're in an elevator for 27 seconds, we're scrolling our phone. Cause God forbid where we, we have a moment, but if we took away the phone or the smartphones and the iPads, that will leave us with all these, this, this time to, to basically distract ourselves in a good way.

• 17:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:06Jen Cohen?

  With actual socialization, dating.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Real play.

• 17:09Jen Cohen?

  Doing real things in life. The other thing what you said Sal about the lack of fathers is a one million percent. If you look at data on that as well, because the dad provide a role that a mother just simply cannot. My question to you is, where did all the dads go now beyond where they were before? Is it because they're working constantly? Are they working more? Are they just like?

• 17:33Speaker 03

  It's still a huge fatherless problem.

• 17:35Jen Cohen?

  Why? That's true, but why?

• 17:37Speaker 03

  Well, that's a deeper question. I mean, I think marriage has been devalued. I think that they've lost their sense of community, which you need as a married couple. That was the church for a long time and then that was.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  You think it's more today than it was 20 years ago?

• 17:50Jen Cohen?

  I was gonna say.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  It's about, it's maybe a little better, but it's still bad.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  I mean, so that's where my, my argument, that's why I was like, I don't think it's any different. I really, I think that.

• 17:58Jen Cohen?

  Here's what happened. I think it's the same too.

• 18:00Speaker 02

  I just think that your, your point though, that you're making that I agree with is that because of the introduction of Ted, that robbing those kids of so much that his role becomes paramount. It's like your, your mom, that's not what she gives. That's not her, her thing. God bless the single moms that have to try and figure both out, but that's not where her strength is. That's dad's strength. And then if he's not gonna be playing with friends, playing sports, and it's like, you've got to step the fuck up or it's almost guaranteed he's gonna go that route. I just think that that phone has robbed these kids of so much of that stuff that you.

• 18:33Jen Cohen?

  Of life.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  I mean, I look at, this is something where my son, I have a very sensitive son who like his default is to cry. When he doesn't get his way or doesn't like things, he'll start to get sad and he'll cry. And like watching him interact with kids, he's younger than a lot of kids. So a lot of times they're stronger, they take, they dominate a little bit more. So I definitely have this kid who I'm trying to build that resiliency and you know, we'll let that, we'll let it unfold. But the conversations I'm having to have with him a lot are things like, Max, listen, sometimes you don't get to play what you want. Sometimes you gotta play what Timmy wants you. You don't always get to play what you want to do. And so either one, you play with what they want, you play and do what they want to do for a while, or you go do your own thing, but you don't cry. You don't cry because you don't get to play this way or do that. That's not how you do this. That's not how real.

• 19:17Speaker 02

  So I'm having to have a lot of conversations like that because of. And thank God, we we foster that play and making sure he's doing that with kids and he doesn't get all this. But it is, I could see that if you didn't, if I didn't insert myself in those conversations and teach him that lesson, then he could easily become that really soft kid who just every time he doesn't get what he wants, cries and defaults to that.

• 19:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, the fire started with with with fatherless homes and the gasoline is social media, the internet and smartphones. But it started before that. And now you have a situation where we are trying to, here's the problem. Problem is that your parents, you are competing with something that you're going to lose against, right? You give the child an opportunity to choose between a smartphone and outside, smartphone is going to win.