386. 26 lessons I've learnt in 26 years

It's my 26th birthday, and I'm in a reflective mood. As I pass the halfway point of my 20s (and this podcast), I'm looking back at some of the lessons I've learnt so far and what I hope I learn in the next four years. Also, the question people keep asking: will there be a Psychology of your 30s, stay tuned to the end to hear my thoughts! Watch on Netflix http://netflix.com/thepsychologyofyour20s Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s https://substack.com/@thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:04Speaker 01

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• 0:34Jemma Sbeg?

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• 2:00Jemma Sbeg?

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• 2:45Jemma Sbeg?

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• 3:24Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. I'm Jemma Sbeg and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s. The podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

• 3:44Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here. Today, we have a special edition episode. We have my yearly birthday episode. Last year, I think last year we spoke about birthday anxiety. And the year before, it was like the fear of getting older, maybe. But today we're doing something more classic. And I'm going to talk about the 26 lessons I have learnt from the last 26 years of life. Some of these are really practical, others are more psychological. Some are really personal, some are just weird. Um, but I went out for dinner with myself the other night and I sat down, I brought my little notebook

• 4:26Jemma Sbeg?

  and I just really reflected on what I've learnt and it was rather emotional. Like it was, I did have a few tears, the waiters were looking at me weird. I also did have a few martinis. So two of those things could have contributed to each other. But this last year has just been so mind blowing. It's just been the biggest year of my life. My book came out, the podcast on Netflix, moving to London, those are just the headlines. And yeah, it's like kind of hard to process sometimes and I was, I'm so grateful. And I was just really reflecting on the lessons that I've gained both in the last year, but before any of this happened. Before I was even in my twenties, when I was seventeen, sixteen, yeah, twenty one, things that have stuck with me as well

• 5:10Jemma Sbeg?

  from, from all those experiences. And it was actually really therapeutic to just like sit down and put them on a page. So if you have a birthday coming up, I would actually really, really um encourage you to do this. And just to reflect on the lesson, one lesson from every year, from the past, however many years of your life. Um, it can get pretty emotional, but I want to share them with you guys today. So without further ado, let's get into it.

• 5:41Jemma Sbeg?

  Okay, let's begin with lesson number one. Lesson number one, this is the most important one, I think. Every year you will realise more and more how young you actually are. I remember turning twenty and being like, it is the beginning of the end for me, which is ridiculous. It's ludicrous. Like I don't live in an adult for like two years at that point. But it just felt like time was already starting to crush me and move very fast. And you know, then twenty one came around, I felt the same way, then twenty two, twenty three. And I felt a little bit less and it's become a little bit less intense.

• 6:21Jemma Sbeg?

  It was definitely still there last year, but now at twenty six, I feel so young. I feel my age and I feel my youth so clearly. And I also know, I just guess based on experience, it just keeps getting better and it keeps getting different. I've also stopped joking with my friends that I'm still twenty two. I used to do that and I was like, you know what? No, I'm excited about aging. You know that term, youth is wasted on the young? I think that's what they're referring to here. Like honestly, when you're young, you obsess over not being the age you were the year before.

• 7:00Jemma Sbeg?

  And we obsess over getting older, not realising how much time we're wasting in the prime of our lives, thinking about aging. We think thirty is old and we think fifty or sixty is old, when those are prime years. Like, we've got so much to look forward to. And that has been a huge blessing from my twenty sixth year. Like, I feel my age and my age is young. Whatever my fears and whatever the fear mongering of society wants to tell me that I'm, I'm like, seconds from death is like ridiculous. And I think that's been a very important lesson. Secondly, it is impossible to waste time.

• 7:41Jemma Sbeg?

  I don't know where this idea came from, of like, I'm wasting my twenties, I'm wasting my time. It's like disappearing from right underneath me. Let's be clear here. Time is not something you can spoil. It's not something you can misuse. Like, it's not a bag of spinach that you left in the back of the fridge. As long as you are having an experience, every moment is contributing to your story. Even the time that you spent waiting and the time that you feel like life isn't moving fast enough. Time is a human construct. We have to remember. There are days that feel like years and there are years that feel like days and days where life is completely gonna change all at once and

• 8:22Jemma Sbeg?

  it's just gonna feel like everything has just happened in that moment. And I used to get so panicked that I wasn't allocating my time well enough and um, obviously a big part of that was like a deep fear of regret as well that I was missing out. But now I know that as long as I'm doing something.

• 8:41Jemma Sbeg?

  Anything with my life, even if other people don't understand it or see the meaning in it, time is being well spent. And those experiences in themselves, even if they're not, they're not exactly the ones I wanna be having, they are really, really valuable. Okay, let's do a little trifecta of lessons here, a three for one deal. Fight with your friends, forgive your friends. We recognise that sometimes you are the asshole. Let's start with number one, fight with your friends. I said this in our is friendship meant to be inconvenient episode?

• 9:21Jemma Sbeg?

  But you deserve friends who are willing to fight with you and to really like get it all out in the open with you. Friends are people that you have no reason to fight with. Good friends are those you want to avoid fighting with. Best friends, great friends are those that you will go toe to toe with. That is how you know that they're on that next level. Conflict is uncomfortable. It's not as uncomfortable as losing somebody and not being able to have them in your life in the future. Part of that is also number two, forgive your friends, right? Obviously, there is a level where you probably can't, but I lost a lot of friends in my early twenties

• 10:02Jemma Sbeg?

  over stupid mistakes that I couldn't forgive people for. And I would have made those same mistakes as well. And I regret it all the time. I wish I'd had the foresight to realise like, wow, that was really small and miniscule and those problems like that, that's nothing, but the damage had already been done, yeah, by them, but also by me, because I couldn't forgive. And I didn't feel like I could go back and say, hey, maybe I was wrong because I was so like headstrong in my judgements. Now I definitely have a much more, a broader forgiveness policy, which is sometimes less than healthy. I feel like sometimes I do let people get away with things, but I, I just like to see the good in people. And I think that's important. Most people aren't malicious. Most people are just careless.

• 10:47Jemma Sbeg?

  And a lot of their actions are forgivable if you remove your ego from it and see that, I don't know, I guess not everything is about you. Okay, number four. Sometimes you are the asshole. Recognize that you are the asshole. And you have to stop looking for reassurance and stop telling the story thirty, forty, fifty different ways so that it makes you seem like you weren't the villain and that you were the good guy and spinning the situation so that you're, you can feel in, in the clear. You weren't the good guy. You know you weren't the good guy. The next best thing you can do is to admit you screwed up and be better. I feel like there is so much ego protection

• 11:31Jemma Sbeg?

  going on in these situations where all we wanna do is survive with our identity intact and we wanna survive feeling like we are a good person. And the thing that good people do is that they admit when they were wrong. And they aren't just aware that other people make mistakes, they're aware that they make mistakes as well. And that's just a part of life. And holding it against yourself too tightly and too strongly actually means that you could never admit it. You can never admit that you have done something wrong because that in itself would injure your ego and injure your self-esteem so gravely that it's easier just to pretend and to convince yourself that you're always in the right. And you're not. Sometimes you're in the wrong. And life gets a lot easier when you are able

• 12:16Jemma Sbeg?

  to admit that, especially in friendships, especially in relationships in general. Okay, I kinda like this trifecta thing. So, speaking of relationships, let's do one more, like three for one deal. I have one specific relationship that, there was one specific relationship in my twenties that informed so many of the lessons that I have on love. So, I'm gonna thank him and say sincerely, I hope, I hope you're doing well. Uh, but these tips all came from this and I think they're so valuable. Uh, don't get into a relationship right after a breakup.

• 12:50Jemma Sbeg?

  Just because you're thinking about someone doesn't mean they're the one. And allow yourself to get mad at the people who break your heart. And equally, stand up for yourself when you're not being treated right. So I wanna start with this first one. Don't get into a relationship straight after a breakup. Um, I feel like a lot of you guys can relate. Everybody has to make this mistake at some point. I think it is in many ways. A little bit of a rite of passage, but I did this and I remember being like, oh no, I'm totally healed. I'm totally fine. I'm totally ready for this. And that's just absolute nonsense. Like I had not processed a single thing. And getting into a new relationship was just.

• 13:33Jemma Sbeg?

  An excellent form of avoidance that looked like the opposite. Like it looked like moving on because it was the thing that was the most. Obvious form of moving on, but I was just finding myself in the same. Conditions and the same. Yeah, the same conditions of feeling cared for. Um, this guy, I don't think he really cared for me, but feeling affection. And thinking that that was like going to make my life better. The thing is, is that you'll have all this unresolved stuff that is gonna come out in that relationship. That is going to just mean that by the end of it, you're processing two heartbreaks. On top of each other because you've never processed the one before. When this relationship inevitably ends.

• 14:18Jemma Sbeg?

  Everything comes to the surface. Everything from both those situations becomes just like so apparent and. It's gonna hurt. I say it's a lesson. Would I do it again? I would. I do think that it was really valuable and it was very. Valuable in getting me to where I am now. Both of those, both of those breakups are a big part of like the history of the psychology of your twenties. Um, that second part of that trifecta, just because you're thinking about somebody, doesn't mean they're the one. I feel like there were so many times where I would have a dream about somebody I used to be with, or their name, or the thought of them would pop into my head. And I would read so heavily into it that it would dictate my behaviour.

• 15:03Jemma Sbeg?

  And understanding the psychology now that I didn't back then, I know that it's just my brain, and that was my brain, trying to figure out where to put those memories, and trying to figure out where to place that person. Back then, I thought every dream, every thought, everything that reminded me of somebody was a sign that this was destiny and we were meant to be together. Now I just realise it's just a coincidence. So if you're having those thoughts right now of like, oh my god, maybe they were the one, you think about a million different things every single day. This is just another one of those thoughts. It's your choice whether you read into it or whether you move past it. And my final point in this trifecta of like semi-relationship advice,

• 15:46Jemma Sbeg?

  and to be honest, I don't know if it's good, but it's just the lessons I've learnt. Um, allow yourself to get mad after a breakup and allow yourself to really say what you need to say to stand up for yourself. I was having this conversation with my friend the other day who's recently ended a relationship, or somebody has ended a relationship with her in a very unfair and cruel fashion. And she was like, do I say something? Do I reach out to him? And I said to her, and I'm being totally honest, if there is something that you wished you had said, or still wanna say, you should say it. And you should allow yourself to get angry because a lesson I have learnt

• 16:30Jemma Sbeg?

  from having done that and not having done that in certain situations is that when there are things left unsaid, whether those are good or bad, you're always going to come back to it and linger on it. So if there is something like really heavy on your heart and somebody has really hurt you, it's not, they're allowed to feel that pain. You don't have to be the only one who carries what you've experienced. And if there is an opportunity for that kind of closure, I don't know if it's the healthiest thing in the world, I still think that you should take it because I think there is some healing in just saying your piece about how somebody has hurt you.

• 17:11Speaker 03

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• 17:40Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information-driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable, personalized insights that have made me more

• 18:24Jemma Sbeg?

  intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. No two journeys look alike. That's why SkyMiles is designed to move with you wherever life takes you. Fly, it flies with you on new adventures, family getaways, business trips, and the moments that matter most. Earn, it earns alongside your everyday life. It dines with you on special nights out, it streams alongside your favorite entertainment, rides through your daily routines, and helps turn everyday moments into something more.

• 19:08Jemma Sbeg?

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• 19:51Jemma Sbeg?

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• 20:36Jemma Sbeg?

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• 21:21Jemma Sbeg?

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• 21:50Jemma Sbeg?

  Okay, I feel like we need a lighthearted one after that. I feel like that was very, very intense. So number nine, practice some magic and don't neglect your spiritual practices. Long term listeners know that I had some really, let's say intense experiences with the church in my teen years. I used to be very religious, used to be a big fan of Jesus. But after like some kind of poor encounters with some people, I kind of dropped away and lost belief. And that actually created a lot of emptiness. I think as humans, it's important we believe in something. And after twenty six years, I feel like I now know that having spiritual practices

• 22:35Jemma Sbeg?

  and having a spiritual routine is just as important to me as having an exercise routine or having a budgeting routine or a social life. Without it, I slip, I slip fast. So I really think that it's important that whether you are part of a religion or you're not, whether you're spiritual or not, you do have some kind of practices that unite you to something bigger and unite you to others and allow you to see the thread that pulls those experiences together. Some of the things that I do is, um, I still sing worship songs sometimes. Like I just, I like to sing and honestly worship music is amazing. Don't obviously believe everything that they're talking about, but it's amazing. And I think that having that like musical connection is important.

• 23:20Jemma Sbeg?

  I also like to. Practice picking one person who has annoyed me or frustrated me like once a week. And I like to think as many good things about that person as possible. And wish like everything good comes true for them. And I like to imagine like a bubble coming out of me and surrounding them with positivity. I don't know, that's a really spiritual practice for me that keeps me grounded. Something my church did as well that I still do, even though I don't believe in those, believe in it anymore is when you get paid before you spend, you have to give back to others first. Um, or when you get served, you have to give the first piece of meat to somebody else first. I know like in the Mormon church, for example, they encourage people to give ten percent of their earnings.

• 24:05Jemma Sbeg?

  Um, some pagan traditions also have a similar thing. Um, of like serving others first or giving to others before you give to yourself. That's important for me, especially given the state of the world right now. Um, and just having a good gratitude practice is so essential, like hold tight to that stuff. That's a big lesson. You need it. You need spiritual practices to make you feel nourished. Similar to this, when you are feeling terrible about the world, be kind to small creatures. This is such an important lesson. Again, with the state of the world right now. It's very easy to feel very despondent, duh. It's very easy to feel terrible about the world.

• 24:49Jemma Sbeg?

  I like to imagine that humanity is this big experiment. And there is this higher power who is judging our experiment. On whether it was good or bad and whether humanity is succeeding or failing. And it's my job every single day to do something that proves the experiment is working. And to do something that proves the hypothesis that humanity is good. And there is, this is gonna sound a bit, a bit weird, but I imagine that there is this like tiny. Telescope or like microscope on me and they are watching me positively interact or watching people positively interact with each other and checking it down as evidence that people are good.

• 25:35Jemma Sbeg?

  And taking care of small creatures, honoring their lives, appreciating them is a way that I do that like. Life is hard for little for little things. Life is hard for small creatures and sometimes knowing that like, you know, not just killing the ants that are in my house or not just killing the fly that's in my car or stopping for birds or saving a pigeon or something like that, knowing that like I have kindness for them makes me feel like a higher power will have kindness for me. And I don't know, it just, it makes me feel connected to what's around me. That's an important lesson. Lesson number eleven. If there is an opportunity to go to the beach, you should always go.

• 26:17Jemma Sbeg?

  The older you get, the more you realize the healing power of water and the healing power of of nature. It's called the Lhasa therapy. Um, I'm a big proponent and I'm gonna say nothing more about that lesson. I feel like that one's pretty obvious. Lesson number twelve, work hard at something even if it feels meaningless, whatever it is. Typically, I feel like we save all of our hard work for others. I honestly think we save all of our hard work for our boss, for our parents, for our coworkers, for people we want to impress. Save some of that hard work for you and use it for things that feel personally meaningful.

• 26:59Jemma Sbeg?

  There is so much good that comes from working hard, even if at the time it seems like there's no point or like nothing is gonna come from it. Working hard on a novel, no one's gonna read. Working hard on improving your running, even though you're never gonna be a professional. Working hard on perfecting a recipe just for yourself or whatever it is, so much personal reward for me has come from the joy I've just found from working hard. For things that I care about and at the time were just fun, but you never know where it's gonna take you. Um, this podcast is a great example. Like, I didn't know this was gonna happen. I just liked working hard at it.

• 27:41Jemma Sbeg?

  And I just have a deep belief that the universe or the forces that be reward hard work and like to see passion. And so when it sees somebody working hard, proving that they will work hard in the future for no reward, just for joy and personal pursuit and personal passion, good things come to those people because of those practices. It is a reward in itself to care, but I also feel like when you put yourself in the place where you do care, people like to see other people who care and they're like to see people who are passionate about something. And you'll find that opportunities come so much more naturally to you. People rally around you when,

• 28:24Jemma Sbeg?

  yeah, when there's something bigger than you that you're invested in and that you're willing to work hard for. So if there's not something in your life right now that you are working hard for, even if it's only working hard for twenty minutes a week. Um, I really think your life would benefit from finding something that you wanna give that time to. Okay, number thirteen, lesson thirteen. This is a lesson that I didn't wanna, I, I was hesitant to learn, but it was too obvious to ignore. You are always going to feel better if you don't go on your phone first thing in the morning. Why was this, why did this take me so long to learn? I don't know. Obviously, our phones are addictive. That feels like a cop out. That feels like an excuse.

• 29:08Jemma Sbeg?

  There's all this buzz around like going analog and the digital detox and being social media free and offline activities. Um, and having like really tried to be in that space, it is really incredible. But if that feels too big, I feel like this is the simplest thing. You know, I tried to do the flip phone on weekends. I tried to give myself social media boundaries. Um, it worked for a while. I think I went too big with it. This is a great starting point. Just not going on your phone first thing in the morning will change the course of your entire day.

• 29:46Jemma Sbeg?

  Because the moment you put that phone in front of your face, it's like you're immediately like sucked into someone else's world. You're immediately. I guess a little bit brain dead, to be honest, and I'm saying this to somebody who still does it occasionally. It's like, if that's the first thing you look at, how you were expected to then go forward with the rest of your day being curious, or being entertained by the smaller things, or noticing things when it's like, it's like you're hooked up to this like IV drip of entertainment. So, give yourself at least twenty, thirty minutes to just experience being alive without a phone and without

• 30:25Jemma Sbeg?

  this thing that contains the entire world inside of it. Um, yeah, at least first thing in the morning, I think you will notice a difference. I definitely did. Okay, so lesson number fourteen, another really important one, but a little bit more serious. Stop trying to be them. Whoever them is to you, it doesn't matter, whether it's a celebrity, a friend, a nemesis, a parent, like, you will never be successful when the goal is imitation. And you will drive yourself mad trying to correct and police and mold yourself into an identity that doesn't come naturally because it's not yours.

• 31:09Jemma Sbeg?

  I did this for ages. I was so easily influenced. Because I, I guess there's just something really alluring about people who seem to know themselves and who have an identity or who have, have a brand, who have a distinct thing to them that's attractive when I didn't have that. Guess what?

• 31:29Jemma Sbeg?

  By trying to imitate them, by trying to be them, I actually knew myself less. Because I would constantly compare the beginning of my own new self and my own identity to their complete one. Guys, it's so cliche, I know, but I fully believe, I fully believe there is a unique version of us. We are all here to be a unique avatar. Um, and we are all meant to be individual and we're meant to grow in a specific way. And we are meant to exist in a specific form and live a specific life. And imitation is one of the main things that's gonna block us and that's gonna stop us from living out. Our mission and living out our identity and living out our role in the world.

• 32:14Jemma Sbeg?

  And I know this episode is getting so woo woo, but just notice it in yourself. There is, there is an identity, there is a, a version of you that you're, you just feel constantly drawn to and drawn back to and drawn into. And it's like such a powerful force. Stop trying to suppress that. Stop putting imitation in between you and that version of you, that new version of you. Okay, lesson number fifteen. Sometimes you are the bad day and you need to call yourself on it.

• 32:48Jemma Sbeg?

  This is probably the most recent lesson on the list. Probably a lesson I only learned a couple of weeks ago, if I'm being completely honest. Um, the other day, I just had, I had this terrible day the other day. And my boyfriend was snoring. I love him, but so I don't know what he like turned twenty seven and suddenly like nasal congestion is his middle name. I love you, Tom, but I hopefully he doesn't hear that, but he was snoring. And so I had a really bad night's sleep. And then I went to like transfer money onto my UK card and it wasn't working. And then I went and got a bagel at the, like the corner store and my bagel like fell apart on the street.

• 33:31Jemma Sbeg?

  And this like little dog came up and like ate tuna from my tuna bagel, like from where it was on the floor. And then I went to meet my friend. I was running late and I couldn't get a line back. And then when I got a line back, it was broken. And I was like, this day just sucks. And I was in such a terrible mood and I was so angry and I was like, what did I do to deserve this? Like, this is just such a terrible day. And then I was like, yeah, but I'm being the bad day. Like all those things are annoying, but what's really the problem here? Oh, like how terrible the man that I love, who loves me, who is like the most glorious, beautiful person I've ever met, like.

• 34:11Jemma Sbeg?

  He snores and that disturbs my sleep and like, oh, I have enough money in my bank account to transfer it on to my British card because I had enough privilege to move overseas and all the bagel that I could afford. Getting it takeaway rather than having to make it at home fell on the street. And this, I got a meat a dog who was eating my bagel and like, oh, my friends, I've my friend who has made plans with me, I'm late to and like, where was me? And I was just like, I'm the bad day right now. Like, I'm reading way too much into this and I am investing too much in my identity here as a victim. When actually like, all of those things that I've experienced that I thought were like, the worst things that were gonna happen to me that day.

• 34:54Jemma Sbeg?

  Are just like privileges and are just wonderful things that I don't know, people would kill to have those inconveniences. So just recognize when you're ruining your own day. And just try and pull yourself out of it. Number sixteen, another quick one. Take your medications regularly and are scheduled and that goes for antibiotics, antidepressants. Panadol, pain relief, anything prescribed to you by a doctor. Listen to them and bonus sixteen point two. Just go to the dentist, go to the dentist, you know, you need to. I put off going to the dentist for six years and I'm ashamed to admit that, but

• 35:39Jemma Sbeg?

  it's because the last time I went, it really hurt and I was really scared. And guess what? Guess where that got me when I went last year? Seven fillings, three thousand dollars worth of dental work that could have been avoided if I just went more regularly. The older you get, the more you stop taking your health for granted and the more you realize that there are people who train for many, many years to be experts in this and to know what they're doing. Um, listen to them and take care of yourself. Take your meds as scheduled, go to the dentist. Seventeen, when somebody is mean to you. Or short with you, the best defence and the only defence that will work in your favour is to be disgustingly kind back. And I learnt this through trial and error.

• 36:24Jemma Sbeg?

  But when people were like, used to be mean to me, or you know, when people make those slight jabs, like they're trying to get under your skin and they think you don't notice and they're trying to like bring you down a peg. I used to get quite, I wouldn't say mad, but I would just, I would have a certain reaction. Like I would either avoid them or like I would try and be smart back or I would like try and make other people realise what kind of person they were. And then I just realised the best thing that you can do, and I talked about this in our episode on how to not take things personally. It's just to be so nice and so kind and so generous and so forgiving with them.

• 37:05Jemma Sbeg?

  That they have like no choice but just to have this mirror placed in front of them that makes them directly see how weird and gross and terrible their behaviour is. This doesn't mean permissive. I don't mean you have to continue to let them in your life and continue to let them walk all over you and continue to give in to them. Be kind, be nice, still set boundaries, but it is genuinely like one of the most powerful things that we can do psychologically to just cut, cut someone's cruelty off and to just essentially stop them from, yeah, thinking that they can treat you that way and thinking that their behaviour isn't a problem.

• 37:49Jemma Sbeg?

  Number eighteen, you don't need to help everybody. I know that like a lot of these tips have been like, be kind, be generous, be nice, forgive, be a good friend. Somebody, some people just don't deserve that. Some people just don't deserve your help. And part of being a good friend, part of being a good member of the village, member of the tribe, the community that you're in, is knowing that you can't give.

• 38:17Jemma Sbeg?

  Everybody, everything that you have. And one of the most generous things that you can do is to take care of yourself first, so that you can show up for the people who really deserve you. Rather than doing favors for everybody, you know, putting yourself out there for everybody, saying yes to everybody, to the point of exhaustion. And when the time really comes to be there for those who would do the same things back for you, being so burnt out that you're not able to do that. And I feel like this is a very specific lesson that you learn in specific circumstances, especially if you are very hyper independent, especially if you are an eldest daughter or an eldest daughter high achiever type.

• 39:02Jemma Sbeg?

  Eventually, you learn that there are some people who just don't need your help, not because they don't deserve help from anybody, but because you and your energy and your time is a precious resource. Similar to this is lesson number nineteen, trust your gut when to say no, when to not go to the party, when to not help your friend with some crazy idea they have. Obviously, like, you want to be a good friend and you want to give back, but there are just some things where you're allowed to just be like, I don't have time for that. And especially when it's for people who would never do the same thing for you in return, um, and who you resent constantly for not returning the favor.

• 39:42Jemma Sbeg?

  That is a sign that like they're taking advantage and it's okay to just, it's okay to just take a step back and to not give them everything you've got and to say no.

• 39:59Speaker 03

  Cash flow crunch? OnDeck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $200,000 right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. Lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 40:29Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable personalized insights that have made me more intentional

• 41:14Jemma Sbeg?

  and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join dot whoop dot com slash psychology for your free month of Whoop. No two journeys look alike. That's why Sky Miles is designed to move with you wherever life takes you. Fly. It flies with you on new adventures, family getaways, business trips, and the moments that matter most. Earn. It earns alongside your everyday life. It dines with you on special nights out. It streams alongside your favorite entertainment, rides through your daily routines,

• 41:55Jemma Sbeg?

  and helps turn everyday moments into something more. Redeem. It helps you redeem for what's next. From spontaneous weekend escapes to the trip that you have been dreaming about, to upgrading your next trip to a premium cabin experience, the miles you've earned along the way can help take you further. Access. And it unlocks access to exclusive, one of a kind experiences and opportunities that make membership feel rewarding long before takeoff and long after landing. Because Sky Miles is more than a travel program, it is a membership that moves with you. Fly farther, earn every day, redeem your way and access more. Because when your membership is as unique as you are, there's no telling where your next journey will take you.

• 42:40Jemma Sbeg?

  Growth isn't linear. There's no magic timeline or secret template. And no one understands that quite like Southern New Hampshire University. Because SNHU has online degree programs built for whatever path you are on. Tried college before? Transfer up to 90 credits. And if you're new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor. And here's the best part, there's no set class times. So school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit SNHU.edu/psych. That's SNHU.edu/psych. Something that really frustrates me is when wellness brands greenwash their products

• 43:24Jemma Sbeg?

  to make them seem more clean or better for the environment. When they are actually not. When you look into it, they are kind of just like the rest of them. Nature Sunshine, however, doesn't just talk about the planet. They do something about it. They sustainably source ingredients. They craft their supplements with 100% solar powered manufacturing. And their products are incredible. I don't drink coffee. And so Nature Sunshine Brain Edge gives me that kick I sometimes need with potent ingredients combining yerba mate with nootropics, adaptogens, botanicals to support mental clarity and focus. And you already know how much I love their marine glow and have for years. It is the only collagen that combines skin supporting marine collagen

• 44:08Jemma Sbeg?

  with the sun and blue light protection of luton to make your skin feel and look glowy and protected. Plus, I just really like that they have nature at the core of everything that they do. Try Nature Sunshine and experience the difference with supplements that are better for you and the planet. Go to naturessunshine.com today and use the code PSYCH for 20% off your first order plus free shipping. That's code PSYCH for 20% off your first order at nature sunshine.com.

• 44:39Jemma Sbeg?

  Lesson number twenty. You do actually feel better when you exercise more and drink less, which sucks. See, I like alcohol. I like, I like alcohol. I do. I like alcohol. I also, I like, I like exercising. But I wish I didn't have to do them as much as I do, or I wish, I wish that like,

• 45:04Jemma Sbeg?

  I could go to the gym like once a week and drink every night and feel amazing. And it's just not how your body is, right? When I was definitely, when I was younger, when I was like seventeen, eighteen, nineteen and I was at university, I would like, we would, we would like binge drinking. We would like drinking every single night and nobody was blinking an eye. And we would like go on like one five K run or like play some like frisbee once a week. And I remember being like, oh, why do I feel so tired? And like, why am I exhausted all the time? And why do I feel disgusting? And then slowly like, as those habits became more and more difficult to maintain and more and more repulsive, and you start adding some exercise back in and you start realising that drinking every,

• 45:47Jemma Sbeg?

  drinking on a Monday with your pals is probably not healthy. I was like, wow, I actually feel better. And my habits do, are a reflection of like, the quality of life that I want and how I wanna live my life. So that's definitely been an important lesson, one that I wish wasn't true. But unfortunately is, you do feel a lot better. To go on a completely different direction here, lesson twenty one. Wait twenty four hours before making an impulse purchase. I feel like these are all tips of just like learning impulse control and learning what it means to be healthy financially, emotionally, physically.

• 46:29Jemma Sbeg?

  I had a real impulse shopping problem when I was probably like twenty two, twenty three, in my like early twenties, when I first got like a proper job. And I would just buy the most ridiculous stuff. Because I would see it, think I needed it. And because I now had access to adult money, I could just buy it. And genuinely, like, I think about how much money I wasted on multiple pairs of black jeans. Or just like silly things that nobody needs. Um, now, this was the best thing I did for all the impulse shopping tips that you may get for all the budgeting tips. If there is something I want and I feel like I immediately need it.

• 47:11Jemma Sbeg?

  Twenty four hours, twenty four hours before I can make the decision. And I think I've spoken about this before, I have a list in my phone. Often by the time I get to that twenty four hour mark, I've forgotten about it. And like the haze of like the emotional pool of dopamine of of buying something and getting it delivered and like that kind of fades a little bit. And I can kind of self-regulate. I also feel like impulse shopping, drinking, saying yes to everybody, those last three tips. Often those are forms of avoidance. I've definitely found that. And so, learning how to regulate your emotions without those things. The older you get, the more important that becomes. Lesson twenty two, talk to your siblings more.

• 47:57Jemma Sbeg?

  Honestly, I, I found that because me and my sisters had such an age difference and because I moved out. Um, when they were so young, like, I think they were like twelve and ten, like they were still children. I don't even have like memories from when I was ten. I just didn't form up the relationship with them that they form with each other. And I was very, very jealous of that for a long time. And it definitely was reflected in like my relationship with them where I would, I just felt very left out. And that felt weak because I was the older, I was the older sibling, like I meant to be the cool one and I would go back and they wouldn't really want anything to do with me. And for a couple of years, I was like, well, fine, I'm just gonna hang out with my friends.

• 48:41Jemma Sbeg?

  And I didn't really have a relationship with my sisters. And then I think last year. I really started seeing them more and I started realising what an important relationship, the sibling relationship is and how they are just like an inbuilt, amazing, cool best friend. And just the, you just relate to them on such a beautiful, simplistic, carefree level. And I think I started to really appreciate like my sister's personalities and all the things about them that are so cool and that I love. And now I talk to them all the time and that has been a huge, huge blessing for me and like just a huge, a huge gain in the past year.

• 49:25Jemma Sbeg?

  So if I was to go back three years, I'd be like fricking call them, call them on the weekends, like text them, have a relationship. I, I regret not investing in that sooner and I feel like I missed a lot of their teen years trying to figure out my late teen years and my early twenties and being really selfish with it. And now I feel like I've orbited back around right as they are orbiting out and I just hope that our relationship stays strong within that because it is just such a beautiful, one of a kind, special relationship. Lesson twenty three. Celebrate yourself. Don't be afraid to make a big deal out of the things

• 50:09Jemma Sbeg?

  that you're proud of, even if nobody else is going to do it for you. Throw the birthday party for yourself. Organise the dinner with your friends for your job promotion. Make a big deal out of what feels like a big deal for you. Think of my children, we're so used to our parents being so in our business or like our school or whatever it is, like a mentor, aunts, grandparents, celebrating us. And then you get older and you realise like, sometimes you've got to do that for yourself. And people want an excuse to party, people want an excuse to be excited for you. I would always feel a little bit cringe being like, oh, I'm gonna plan like a birthday party, or like I'm gonna plan, like, I wanna celebrate this. And I, and now I don't feel

• 50:49Jemma Sbeg?

  any shame about it. And having that space to invite people into my memories, and knowing that I'm gonna look back at those really cool things, and they're gonna be in those memories with me, that is so important, and that is so valuable. And I just feel like celebrating yourself, we don't do it enough, and we don't make a big deal out of what a pleasure and a surprise and a beautiful thing it is to be alive. And the fact that we work really hard, and we do really cool things, things that younger you could not have imagined you doing, you are allowed to just be your biggest fan and your biggest cheerleader, and make the space for other people to enter into that with you, if they want to. And if they don't, that's okay, you get more cake, you get more champagne,

• 51:34Jemma Sbeg?

  you get more flowers. Make sure you make your big moments big for yourself. Lesson twenty four, you can truly DIY your dream life. If you just commit to learning how to do things for yourself, and learning how to do them badly, then a bit better, then good, then amazingly. This is like the hack, this is the life hack that everybody needs to know. If you wanna do something, oh my god, I'm, this sounds stupid now that I'm saying it, but if you wanna do something, you should just do it. And you should just do it as simply and easily as you can possibly do at that point, and then get better. Everybody I know who is really successful, and who I really admire, and who I now get to call

• 52:19Jemma Sbeg?

  my friends, um, just went into it with this like do it myself attitude of being like, nobody's gonna hand this to me, nobody's gonna give me the keys to the life I want, nobody's gonna build the home I want for myself, or the career I want for myself, I have to do it myself. And I have to like be in those meetings, and I have to be in those emails, cold emailing somebody to see if they have an opportunity for me. And I need to be creating my own product, creating my own business, creating my own podcast, and the universe will reward that. And I think it's similar to that previous tip of like, do things just for the, the sake of it, experience hard effort, just because hard effort is enjoyable for you when you're doing something you care about. This is

• 53:04Jemma Sbeg?

  very similar to this. When you truly realize that you can DIY, do it yourself. Make it from scratch, your dream life. In the most rudimentary way possible, in whatever, using whatever tools you have possible. Your life seriously changes and I, I don't like bragging, but I do feel like there's points in my, like my life is kind of evidence of that where. I don't know, I just didn't see a job for me. I didn't see a system that I enjoyed and I was like, okay, well, I'll just make it myself. And if it works out. Great, amazing. Obviously, that's what I want. And if it doesn't, at least I can say. That I did it. At least I know that the opportunity wasn't out there. Waiting for me to arrive, waiting for me to get to the point where I was ready. Lesson twenty five, I actually think this one should have been before.

• 53:49Jemma Sbeg?

  But I'm sneaking it in at the end. Twenty five, not every person you date is your soulmate. And it doesn't mean the relationship wasn't worthwhile.

• 54:01Jemma Sbeg?

  Additionally, when you are in your twenties, date as much as possible. I feel like I've learnt this both through myself and through. Other people I've seen. Who have dated one person and been like, okay, cool. That seems like good enough. And then seven, eight years later, been like, oh my God, I actually never got to experience what else was out there. And I know not everybody agrees with this and people have different, you know, perspectives on it. But as much as my heart was broken many times and I was. Literally reflecting on this the other day, like all these guys I completely forgot about. And as much as like, it really hurt to be hurt by them and to be rejected by them. I'm so glad I did it.

• 54:43Jemma Sbeg?

  And they all taught me important lessons and every single relationship that I've had. Even the ones that were a disaster have been worthwhile because they brought me experiences that I otherwise. Would have had a, a lot of what ifs swirling around.

• 55:02Jemma Sbeg?

  I know, again, I feel weird saying this because I know people might take it the wrong way of like just date for the sake of dating and like. Use other people for experience. No, I'm just saying, put yourself out there. And even if you're not entirely sure if this person is or isn't the one, give them a chance, have fun. Experience each other, experience life together, even if that's for two weeks, two years, twenty years. And take the experiences you can get from really caring about somebody else. Really having important memories with them, even if you know it's not going to be forever. I have two final lessons, a silly one and a serious one. Let's start with the silly one. Dye your hair at least once in your life.

• 55:46Jemma Sbeg?

  Try a weird hairstyle, even if you think slash know that it's gonna be ugly.

• 55:52Jemma Sbeg?

  I cannot recommend this enough. I have dyed my hair black. That was a terrible decision. I have dyed my, I've bleached my hair more times than I can think of. And it was often related to how I was emotionally doing at that point. But like, I have just done the craziest, stupidest things to my hair. And I think, I don't know, I think it's fun and I, I think it's like a broader metaphor for like, just being willing to try anything once in life and just to give it, just to give it a go. Um, it's a great reflection of that. And I think if you haven't done it, you've got to do it. And when I did it last, I haven't dyed my hair for a while, but I dyed my hair black in like twenty twenty three. I'm blonde, it was a terrible decision.

• 56:37Jemma Sbeg?

  I, I really look terrible, like I, I'm glad nobody said something, but I really slash I'm not glad. I, I'm still on the fence as to whether somebody should have pulled me aside and be like, this is not the colour for you. But there's just like this unique beauty and like this unique feeling of, of looking back at those photos and being like, God, that was a terrible hair colour. God, that was like an awful style, but I'm so glad, I'm so glad that I did it. I'm so glad that like I gave it a shot and now when I have kids, hopefully I can be like, yeah, that was the, that was the year of this. So that was the year of that. And it, it just feels like hairstyle and that expression and doing everything once is really tied to a good story.

• 57:18Jemma Sbeg?

  And it's tied to having good memories and having that kind of free fall openness to life that feels more and more worthwhile. Every single year.

• 57:32Speaker 03

  Cash flow crunch? OnDeck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds, up to $200,000, right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 58:03Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information-driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable, personalized insights that have made me more intentional

• 58:48Jemma Sbeg?

  and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. No two journeys look alike. That's why SkyMiles is designed to move with you wherever life takes you. Fly. It flies with you on new adventures, family getaways, business trips, and the moments that matter most. Earn. It earns alongside your everyday life. It dines with you on special nights out. It streams alongside your favorite entertainment, rides through your daily routines, and helps turn everyday moments into something more.

• 59:31Jemma Sbeg?

  Redeem. It helps you redeem for what's next. From spontaneous weekend escapes to the trip that you have been dreaming about, to upgrading your next trip. Up to a premium cabin experience, the miles you've earned along the way can help take you further. Access and it unlocks access to exclusive, one of a kind experiences and opportunities that make membership feel rewarding long before takeoff and long after landing. Because Sky Miles is more than a travel program, it is a membership that moves with you. Fly farther, earn every day, redeem your way and access more. Because when your membership is as unique as you are, there's no telling where your next journey will take you.

• 1:00:14Jemma Sbeg?

  Growth isn't linear, there's no magic timeline or secret template. And no one understands that quite like Southern New Hampshire University. Because SNHU has online degree programs built for whatever path you are on. Tried college before? Transfer up to ninety credits. And if you're new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor. And here's the best part, there's no set class times, so school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit SNHU.edu/psych. That's SNHU.edu/psych. Something that really frustrates me is when wellness brands greenwash their products to make them seem more clean

• 1:00:59Jemma Sbeg?

  or better for the environment, when they are actually not. When you look into it, they are kind of just like the rest of them. Nature Sunshine, however, doesn't just talk about the planet, they do something about it. They sustainably source ingredients, they craft their supplements with one hundred percent solar powered manufacturing, and their products are incredible. I don't drink coffee, and so Nature Sunshine Brain Edge gives me that kick I sometimes need with potent ingredients combining yerba mate with nootropics, adaptogens, botanicals to support mental clarity and focus. And you already know how much I love their marine glow and have for years. It is the only collagen that combines skin-supporting marine collagen

• 1:01:42Jemma Sbeg?

  with the sun and blue light protection of luton to make your skin feel and look glowy and protected. Plus, I just Really like that they have nature at the core of everything that they do. Try nature's sunshine and experience the difference with supplements that are better for you and the planet. Go to nature's sunshine dot com today and use the code psych for twenty percent off your first order plus free shipping. That's code psych for twenty percent off your first order at nature sunshine dot com.

• 1:02:13Jemma Sbeg?

  So I'm realising I'm actually going to finish on lesson twenty seven, um, which is one more than I promised you, but

• 1:02:22Jemma Sbeg?

  I think this is my hopeful takeaway from next year and the thing I'm currently learning, which is you don't have to suffer. And I know that that's really, it's very serious compared to our last, last lesson. But I think I just spent way too long thinking that how my brain was and how my life was, was something I couldn't change. And the things I kept doing that were honestly self sabotaging and that were causing me more pain than they should have.

• 1:03:03Jemma Sbeg?

  And that were making me unhealthy and unhappy. Like I felt so imprisoned by them because that's how I'd always done things. And I'm just realising more and more like my life doesn't have to be bad. I don't have to suffer more than what I'm already gonna naturally suffer just by being alive. And I have a choice in a lot of that. I have a choice to go to therapy. I have a choice to get on medication. I have a choice to change my mindset, to have healthier habits. I have a choice to prioritise and deprioritise relationships and certain things in my life that are making my life harder.

• 1:03:46Jemma Sbeg?

  And I just felt for so long like everything was just being handed to me and I had to accept it. And maybe the biggest lesson from my twenty sixth year and hopefully again my twenty seventh year is that that is not true. And I can opt out of the circumstances and the things and the patterns of behaviour that are making me suffer and that I don't want anymore. And it's hard and it's difficult and I definitely make a lot of excuses. But I'm at this point where I'm like, I wanna live a life of ease. And I wanna live a life of being as carefree and stress free as possible, not as busy and successful and brash and loud as possible.

• 1:04:30Jemma Sbeg?

  And I just think that's been a huge, massive priority change. And maybe that's a lesson that you're learning as well, or that's a lesson that you need to hear. You don't have to suffer. You don't have to suffer more than life is gonna make you suffer. Those are my twenty six, twenty seven lessons from twenty six years. I hope that they've, I don't know, taught you something that you've related to them. Maybe it's validated an experience that you're having. If you're listening on Spotify and you have made it this far, I wanna know. Give me a lesson that you have learnt in the past year, past six months, that wasn't on this list that you think other people could learn from. I feel like every year, there's this new knowledge popping into my mind.

• 1:05:15Jemma Sbeg?

  And I have definitely forgotten things that were important lessons. But I'd love to hear from you guys and I'd love to hear your experience. Make sure that you are subscribed, following wherever you are listening. If you're in the US or Canada, you can listen to this episode on Netflix. Actually, should I say you can watch this episode on Netflix? I'm so used to saying listen, but you can watch on Netflix. And I would love it if you did so. Make sure that you are as well following us on Instagram. And thank you for listening to this episode and for being a massive part of the last five years of my life. Almost all of my twenties, I don't know, I'm getting closer to thirty.

• 1:05:58Jemma Sbeg?

  I have to decide if I'm gonna do the psychology of your thirties or what's gonna happen. So I guess time will tell, but be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon.

• 1:06:16Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information-driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable, personalized insights

• 1:06:59Jemma Sbeg?

  that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. Hi, this is Jemma Sbeg. Taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean completely changing your routine. Naturewise Vitamin D3 is an easy way to support immune, bone, and muscle health every single day. And because quality matters, Naturewise has one of the first NSF-certified Vitamin D3 currently on the market.

• 1:07:43Jemma Sbeg?

  Plus, it's non-GMO, gluten-free, and third-party tested. Visit naturewise.com to explore their Vitamin D3 options and find the one that's right for you. Naturewise.com. You know that feeling when your skin just needs a tall drink of water? That's what Clinique Moisture Surge 100-Hour Moisturizer is for. Moisture Surge 100-Hour Moisturizer absorbs instantly and hydrates for 100 hours for plump, glowing skin. That's right, 100 hours. It is a lightweight, oil-free gel cream, safe for sensitive skin. It's allergy-tested and fragrance-free.

• 1:08:23Jemma Sbeg?

  I use this all the time. It makes my skin feel so fresh and plump and glowy. Even under makeup, I still see an amazing difference. It never leaves my skin oily or tacky. Try Clinique Moisture Surge 100 Hour today at Clinique.com. Feels like moisture surge. Growth isn't linear. There's no magic timeline or secret template. And no one understands that quite like Southern New Hampshire University. Because SNHU has online degree programs built for whatever path you are on. Tried college before? Transfer up to 90 credits. And if you're new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor.

• 1:09:08Jemma Sbeg?

  And here's the best part, there's no set class times. So school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit SNHU.edu/psych. That's SNHU.edu/psych. Hey, question. Are you an extra care member at CVS? Because there is literally no reason not to be. It's super easy to join and members instantly get extra big deals on things you buy most. I mean, this is stuff you're already buying, things like snacks, personal care products, all of it. And after you join, the savings just show up. Deals refresh every two weeks, but they don't last long.

• 1:09:48Jemma Sbeg?

  Head to your local CVS or open the CVS app, look for extra big deals and start saving today.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.