Mom's Car: Erick Richardson

On this week’s episode of Mom’s Car, we welcome friend of the pod, Erick Richardson. Erick, Dax, and Best Friend Aaron Weakley talk through making a deal with God on a catamaran, the fruitful strategy of taking stock as payment from clients, the former fun of having an unexpected dark side, how Erick came to own 11 rare giant tortoises, and the instability of the market for a cut-off toe. #sponsored by @Allstate. Go to https://bit.ly/momscar to check Allstate first and see how much you could save on car insurance. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Hello and welcome to Mom's Car. Today, Aaron and I have our mutual friend Eric Richardson on. Eric and I met maybe 12 years ago. And I hated him at first, and then I fell deeply in love with him because he might be the most honest man in America. He's funny, and so sweet, and so generous, and so kind, and absolutely crazy. Please enjoy Mom's Car. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check your phones in your pocket before leaving the house. Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

• 0:45Dax Shepard?

  Allstate North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:08Dax Shepard?

  Except...

• 1:08Speaker 01

  Ooh, that's a big one.

• 1:09Dax Shepard?

  Damn, Gino!

• 1:11Speaker 01

  More money than we made all week.

• 1:15Dax Shepard?

  Are you on a roll, Eric, right now in the stock market?

• 1:17Speaker 02

  Well, the stock market's down a lot the last few days, so I don't know if I'm on a roll.

• 1:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay, let's do a quick intro of Eric Richardson. Anyone who listens to Armchair hears Eric talked about. Bro, would you agree probably you're the most talked about? Not employee of the show?

• 1:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess. We talk about a lot of stuff.

• 1:31Dax Shepard?

  Yes, you come up nonstop. You are an ex-lawyer with maybe the most improbable route to being a partner in the law firm. It's one of my favorite stories, really.

• 1:42Speaker 02

  Here we are.

• 1:43Dax Shepard?

  We're right here. What's the name of... Oh, sure. Hollywood Raps and Grills. So just so you know, protocols, Aaron runs in.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  And gets it.

• 1:50Dax Shepard?

  And I deliver the food. So we split the duties evenly. You were unlikely to go to law school, yeah?

• 1:57Speaker 02

  No, I was unlikely to go to law school because I graduated 646. I had a 648 at Westlake High School at the bottom of my class. I was the third worst.

• 2:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no. Oh, no.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  I had a D minus average.

• 2:10Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. They let you graduate with that?

• 2:12Speaker 02

  I think they wanted to make people graduate. I mean, you really only need a D in a class.

• 2:16Dax Shepard?

  What were you telling yourself while you were getting those grades, like, well, fuck it? I don't care because you had a moving business. You just think you were gonna cobble together a living?

• 2:23Speaker 02

  I thought I was gonna be an entrepreneur or something, and then I kind of realized reality at some point. Well, in high school, I think I'm like, I'm fucked. It doesn't really matter if you've got a C average or a D average or a B average.

• 2:34Dax Shepard?

  Right. You're either doing good or who cares?

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, or who gives a shit?

• 2:37Dax Shepard?

  How long out of high school before you decided to go to college?

• 2:40Speaker 02

  I went right after. I guess I figured out I didn't have anything else to do. And then I was getting bad grades my first semester in junior college. That's when I got stuck out on the catamaran.

• 2:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh, right. Which you told on our chair anonymous.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was out there and I was talking to God and I said, if you let me out of this, I will do something with my life if I can get saved.

• 3:00Dax Shepard?

  So then when you returned to shore, what did that mean? Actually studying really hard?

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I just started applying myself and started studying because I was kind of like, I've been a piece of shit my whole life.

• 3:09Dax Shepard?

  And did you have a story that you couldn't do good in school? And then all of a sudden you just started saying you could do good in school? Like, did you have a story of why you didn't do good in school? Or is it just that you didn't care?

• 3:18Speaker 02

  That's a good question. I don't know. I think I liked being the class clown and

• 3:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  getting dead baby pigs and throwing them over the quad and, you know, being that guy.

• 3:26Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  But yes, I just started applying myself.

• 3:29Dax Shepard?

  And then you go from junior college to what college?

• 3:32Speaker 02

  Then I went to USC.

• 3:34Dax Shepard?

  That feels hard out of junior college. You must have had a really good grade point.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  Well, that's what you did.

• 3:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and I would say without patting myself on the back, I do think it's hard.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  I got into UCLA too, but my dad.

• 3:45Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you did?

• 3:46Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 3:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, Eric. You kept that in your vest.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  But I was doing business and my dad was gonna pay for it.

• 3:52Dax Shepard?

  And it's a million times cheaper than USC.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, but he said you gotta go there for the business connections.

• 3:59Dax Shepard?

  And that working, but that's true.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  It did kinda end up being true because after I went to law school, I didn't have good grades in law school, but I went to an interview at a law firm in Westwood and the partner there at the time was like, well, you don't have great grades and you just worked at this small plaintiff's law firm for a couple of years, but you went to USC, so I'm the big Trojan, so I'm gonna give you a shot.

• 4:23Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  So that didn't make a big difference.

• 4:25Dax Shepard?

  This was the guy you ended up buying the firm off?

• 4:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that makes a little more sense. I don't think I knew the USC part.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:32Dax Shepard?

  So then you bought this guy out of his firm eventually, right? He wanted to retire?

• 4:37Speaker 02

  Well, unfortunately, he got cancer and died two years after I started. So, and it was really.

• 4:42Dax Shepard?

  And he was a sweetheart, right? He was like a mentor?

• 4:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, he had four kids. He was probably 46 or something. He was young.

• 4:49Dax Shepard?

  Can you imagine giving someone, what were you, 24 when you came out of law school? Giving some kid with shit grades?

• 4:55Speaker 02

  No, I don't, a chance.

• 4:57Dax Shepard?

  Very sweet. But then he became rich.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  I guess.

• 4:59Dax Shepard?

  How long did it take?

• 5:00Speaker 02

  A couple of years. It was funny because nobody else at that law firm wanted to buy the firm from him.

• 5:05Dax Shepard?

  How many attorneys were there?

• 5:06Speaker 02

  There was like six or seven, I think, at the time. And then he taught me a way to make money as an attorney. Not a lot of people did, but he would take stock in companies.

• 5:15Dax Shepard?

  As part of his.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  As part of his compensation. So I kept doing that and then we ended up growing it to like, I don't know, 30 attorneys.

• 5:23Dax Shepard?

  30 attorneys? It's hard to imagine you managing 30 employees.

• 5:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was definitely not a good manager. I had a partner named Neemish who kinda managed the day to day stuff. As you know, I still had a drug problem at the time.

• 5:37Dax Shepard?

  Right, right.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  You?

• 5:38Dax Shepard?

  What's the timeframe from like starting there until you're taking a million dollar honeymoon with Molly?

• 5:46Dax Shepard?

  Very quickly, right?

• 5:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was like four or five years.

• 5:49Dax Shepard?

  Four or five years? And how steady was it? Like, what were you making first year?

• 5:54Speaker 02

  When I first got hired, he paid me like 60 grand a year.

• 5:57Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so year one, 60 grand.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  Then it probably doubled.

• 6:00Dax Shepard?

  We're learning his lawyer history.

• 6:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:02Dax Shepard?

  I hope you read on camera as how improbable this story is. It's like when you hear a story about Aaron and I and you're like, wait, are you guys bad people?

• 6:11Speaker 02

  Yeah. I don't see how you made it out of Detroit.

• 6:14Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so 60 grand the first year?

• 6:16Speaker 02

  I kept doubling probably for a couple of years.

• 6:18Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so 120, then 240 by year three?

• 6:21Speaker 02

  And then by year five, I was making a lot.

• 6:23Dax Shepard?

  Millions?

• 6:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:25Dax Shepard?

  Like five million a year?

• 6:27Speaker 02

  In a good year?

• 6:28Dax Shepard?

  I'm kind of reverse engineering because I know the stories from this era and how you were living, like buying a Ford GT, buying a Ferrari, running from the police, lawyers, three-month honeymoon. You have to have a lot of money to do that.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  And I think what we did is we got lucky on a couple. That was before 2008. So it was like 2005, 2006, 2007.

• 6:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 6:47Speaker 02

  The stock market was cranking and we represented a lot of small companies and we take stock in them. And some of them just did really well in that time period.

• 6:54Dax Shepard?

  Do you remember your biggest payout?

• 6:56Speaker 02

  No, I'd be guessing.

• 6:57Dax Shepard?

  Are you embarrassed to say it or because you know numbers? This is a good story. It's a loser with a D minus grade point average graduating who figured it out. This is like as good as it gets. This is like a Manhattan in the 1930s story.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, don't be embarrassed. Well, yeah. It's just becoming an attorney though. It's not like I became a movie star.

• 7:18Dax Shepard?

  Surgeon.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  It's not like I started one of the biggest podcasts.

• 7:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, come on now, come on now.

• 7:23Speaker 02

  Being a thug from Detroit.

• 7:25Dax Shepard?

  No, I think it's more impressive what you did. All right. So you're not going to tell me how much money you made.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was millions of dollars a year.

• 7:31Dax Shepard?

  And easy come, easy go, right? You really had no problem just spending the shit out of it.

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:36Dax Shepard?

  Or did you wrestle with, I should be saving, or did it just seem like endless? Like I've got a formula and this is going to work forever.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  It did seem a little bit because I was young still. I was in my early 30s or not even 30 and it seemed like it was.

• 7:49Dax Shepard?

  Imagine early 30s, making whatever number you want to tell us.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  Big, it's a big number.

• 7:57Dax Shepard?

  And being a drug addict?

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's where it got bad.

• 7:59Dax Shepard?

  You would have just been able to buy drugs without giving a flying fuck. It would be immaterial what any of the drugs cost.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was too scared to buy them directly from anybody though. So I had one of the attorneys who worked for me.

• 8:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. You had a lot of intermediaries.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  Intermediaries, like three intermediaries.

• 8:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh, baby. A dream. Out of laziness or fear of going to jail?

• 8:19Speaker 02

  Fear of talking to a drug dealer.

• 8:21Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Cause you get like this barge for that probably.

• 8:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay. Yeah, fear of losing the, what you just got yourself into. Fear of schguns. Fear of knives.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  I did get my felony invading arrest during that time.

• 8:35Dax Shepard?

  So that's interesting, Eric, cause I'll speak for me, but I'm pretty certain it's the same for Aaron. The danger of it was part of the fuel for it. Cause I think both of us were endlessly trying to prove we were fearless. So you'd be afraid of us and not hurt us. And the notion of just walking into a neighborhood in downtown Detroit and finding crack and finding a pipe. And the whole nine was weirdly part of the narrative we were crafting that we were like.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  It was kinda sexy.

• 9:07Dax Shepard?

  I don't know, did you feel that way? I liked it as much as. The drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it's scary. Everyone's got a gun that you're talking to. They're all young dudes and you gotta be a little cocky. You can't go down there and be terrified or they'll just take your money. So this whole bravado you gotta have, but not too much where they then just kick your ass or kill you because you deserve it. Like joking with them right away was part of the appeal for me.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  And I loved having like a bag of coke in my pocket and being at a business meeting with a bunch of lawyers. When I was young like that, it seemed funny. It doesn't really seem funny anymore now that I got family and whatnot. But it seemed like so ridiculous that I had this whole dark side.

• 9:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, cause you're always telling a story about yourself in your head, right? You're like, oh yeah, they don't know. Like I'm a bad boy. I might be an attorney, but.

• 9:57Speaker 02

  I'm crazy, I'm crazy.

• 9:59Dax Shepard?

  But I shit my pants once a week in meetings.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  I had my 30 pair of underwear in my cabinet that my secretary would buy me monthly.

• 10:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and you were really good at surrounding yourself with like moms, right? A lot of moms that worked for you, not even if they were or weren't real moms.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  They were very nurturing.

• 10:19Dax Shepard?

  Everyone wants to nurture you. I wanna nurture you. You definitely have that attractive quality where you wanna take care of Eric and nurture him.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Thank you. I guess that's probably why Molly married me too.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  You noticed a trend with Dax and his friends? This guy's been nurturing me for a fucking long time, man.

• 10:40Dax Shepard?

  Dude, this is no wonder I wanted kids. I was trying to have them since 12 years old.

• 10:46Dax Shepard?

  When I met you, you'd already sold the firm.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. You know, in 2008, with the great financial crisis, it became less lucrative to be an attorney. And that's when I got a really bad drug problem is because then I was financially stressed out.

• 11:01Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 11:02Speaker 02

  For like 2008, 2009, 2010, my second time in rehab was about 2012, I think.

• 11:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. It's been 13 years now since we met?

• 11:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:12Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:13Dax Shepard?

  So you sold it because you were like, I can't be sober and have this. You fucking hated it?

• 11:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, I hated it. First of all, it was all hourly and I'm just not a good manager of people. You kind of got to be a dick to be a good manager. I'm just not very good at telling people what to do. I brought in a lot of clients, so you have to have a good personality and you have to be on.

• 11:33Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 11:34Speaker 02

  And so the way I would get on was finally I would figure out if I snorted a bunch of Ritalin, I would have a lot of energy and be able to talk intensely.

• 11:43Dax Shepard?

  I want to be on the other side of that business meeting. If you ever thought about going public, we could have you public in nine days. Yes, I'll take 12% equity, but you will be flying.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was that type of attorney. One of my ways of getting clients is I would, twice a year, I would send a letter to every public company in the United States. So I'd send like, I don't know, 6,000 letters out.

• 12:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  And I'd say, I'm your attorney. These are the rates.

• 12:09Dax Shepard?

  I'm your attorney.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  You need to change your offer.

• 12:11Dax Shepard?

  The clock has started.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  I'll take stock. So I kind of did have that hierarchy.

• 12:15Dax Shepard?

  And of the 6,000 submissions, what was the conversion rate?

• 12:18Speaker 02

  If I got six clients or five clients, it would be great.

• 12:21Dax Shepard?

  But that's great.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, it was great.

• 12:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, boy, you really did do the work.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  At least when I was doing it, there's no securities firm who would lower themselves to such a degree to send out letters to CEOs of beginning of his clients.

• 12:33Dax Shepard?

  But you were laughing all the way to a three-month honeymoon.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  I mean, even my partner in Emish at the time, he's like, you sure you want to do this?

• 12:41Dax Shepard?

  Felt desperate and slow read.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, the more clients we get, the better.

• 12:45Dax Shepard?

  Don't take offense to this. You would have been an incredible personal injuries attorney, but you landed in securities.

• 12:50Speaker 02

  Right, which everybody's super conservative. So I was the guy who's like, I'm just gonna go over the top.

• 12:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  And I annoy a lot of people, but a lot of people love me.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Did you take the three month honeymoon when you were still part of the firm?

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  So your partner was like, okay, cool.

• 13:06Speaker 02

  Maybe they were happy to get rid of me, but you do something like that, I think if you plan it way ahead, I'm gonna be gone for three months, so let's figure this out. And I probably didn't take a salary or something. I probably made it fair.

• 13:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Now, the other fascinating thing about you that I always tell people, and in fact, if I'm telling a story about you and I've not seen that they're registering Eric, I always go, my friend went to tortoises. And they go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't ever make it through a description of you without explaining how you came to own 11 giant tortoises.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  It's only six now.

• 13:37Dax Shepard?

  Now, we're down to six, but it was started at 11, right?

• 13:40Speaker 02

  I think it started at like 10, and four of them have passed.

• 13:44Dax Shepard?

  Their fight is over.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Their fight is over.

• 13:46Dax Shepard?

  Their Bel Air fight is over.

• 13:49Dax Shepard?

  Just tell everyone why you got those tortoises.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  We had moved into our house and we had some area at the bottom of the hill and a tortoise guy somehow got in contact with me. I don't even remember how I found him.

• 14:01Dax Shepard?

  You were using drugs.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  I was using drugs, and that's why I ended up with 10 of them, because I wouldn't have done that, nor would I have landscaped my entire backyard, an acre of it, and put in trees and a little vineyard.

• 14:13Dax Shepard?

  This to describe your property, if someone blindfolded you and took you to this property and took the blindfold out and just said, guess whose house this is, you'd go, Walt Disney's?

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 14:21Dax Shepard?

  It feels like you've made Epcot or something.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  That's how I tried to do it, where there's like different areas had different feelings, like there's that rainforest area and there's like the avocado area.

• 14:31Dax Shepard?

  Just like this, yeah, walking from zone to zone.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  But so this guy comes over to the house and he's like, hey, man, I got these tortoises. They're rare.

• 14:42Dax Shepard?

  They're rearing to go.

• 14:43Speaker 02

  They're rearing to go. I thought you were gonna say that too.

• 14:45Dax Shepard?

  They're ready for ownership. They can't wait.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  They were endangered, I think.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  I'm like, well, these are cool. I don't know. They were about as big as your hand, maybe a little bit bigger than your hand. And he said, uh, if you take 10 of them, I'll give them to you for 1,200 bucks each. And he wanted like 2,000 each or somethings. And then he said, and if you buy them, when they start having babies, I'll pay you a thousand dollars for each baby.

• 15:11Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 15:12Speaker 02

  And so I'm thinking, well, I can maybe have kind of a tortoise farm and have these tortoises and then sell the babies.

• 15:17Dax Shepard?

  Now, can I ask a dumb question? Weren't all 10 of these from the same litter?

• 15:22Speaker 02

  I don't think so.

• 15:23Dax Shepard?

  He mixed in Matt.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:25Dax Shepard?

  Cause how are they gonna breed if they're all siblings?

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Right. I think they were, I don't know. We didn't get into that.

• 15:30Dax Shepard?

  Nitty gritty of it all.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  I, I think I just got excited about the idea of a tortoise farm. So I bought them.

• 15:38Dax Shepard?

  And they lay a lot of eggs, right? Each turtle could be dumping 10 eggs at a grand a pop.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think they might only have like four eggs each.

• 15:47Dax Shepard?

  A lifetime.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  The problem is, the major problem became, and I only learned this after I bought the tortoises, but they don't start breeding until they're 30 years old.

• 15:56Dax Shepard?

  Uh oh.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  So that became kind of a problem.

• 15:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's a lot of maintenance waiting around. Yeah. How many years ago did you buy these? Some of them are 300 pounds?

• 16:05Speaker 02

  More than 300, maybe like 350 for the bigger ones. Bought them in 2008.

• 16:11Dax Shepard?

  They're 17 years old?

• 16:12Speaker 02

  17 years old. They're not old enough to have babies yet.

• 16:14Dax Shepard?

  Little, half life. 13 years and you'll be fucking rolling in that. You can keep them alive. At this rate, you'll probably be down to a couple.

• 16:24Speaker 02

  But I definitely have several hundred thousand dollars in these tortoises. I mean, their food is 1,500 dollars a month.

• 16:32Dax Shepard?

  And you bought them because you had read that sailors used to stop by the Galapagos and put them in the boat so that they would have a thousand pounds of fresh meat in case they were shipwrecked?

• 16:43Speaker 02

  Right. They're not Galapagos tortoises though, cause those are actually illegal to own.

• 16:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  They're called Aldabra tortoises and those are from the Seychelles. But it's the same thing as the Seychelles are a group of islands that the sailors would go to and take these tortoises. You can't really bring a cow on a boat. So you would bring a tortoise and you'd have fresh meat.

• 17:01Dax Shepard?

  Well, you can bring a cow and then you'd have to bring another boat of hay behind it.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Right, right, right, right.

• 17:05Dax Shepard?

  All right. And then you eat like bales of hay. A little tiny boat and then a huge barn.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  It's not to wait so much. It's uh, the area the hay takes up.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  I love that your guys' humor, it's always like somehow you guys think of the most ridiculous thing possible and then you picture it in your head and it's really fun.

• 17:27Dax Shepard?

  Well, I think that's our gift is we're picturing the same thing miraculously. I think that's like, what, 35 years together. This morning, we were eating breakfast, we have long had a product, we've told you about it. We want to have a product called Bob's Paper Towel. And it's way thicker and stronger than normal paper towel. And it's mostly for workmen to keep in their truck in case they have to pee. You can just pee into the paper towel. Super absorbent.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  This started when we were, we would wrap Dax's trash can and Big Brown, we're driving. We're like, if you only could wrap the trash can to pee in there. So you didn't have to pee in a bottle, you could just pee right into the trash can.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  Right.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Then we thought Bob's Paper Towel would absorb that. Always would be real dehydrated, so the pee would stink. It would be real, real gold in color, yeah.

• 18:17Dax Shepard?

  Like yellow motor oil coming out. 156, is this me?

• 18:20Speaker 02

  Oh, next.

• 18:22Dax Shepard?

  Bob's Paper Towel evolved into Bob Roberts Paper Towel today.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Bill Roberts.

• 18:27Dax Shepard?

  Bill Roberts, sorry, Bill Roberts Paper Towel. And then we were saying, he stands by the product so much, he puts his home address on every, every roll of Bill Roberts Paper Towel. And then we said, if I'm not available, please call my wife Linda. And then it became Bill and Linda Roberts Extra Thick Paper Towel with their own address and their phone number.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  Both have their phone numbers?

• 18:52Speaker 02

  And why does it have their phone numbers on it?

• 18:55Dax Shepard?

  In case you have any questions about the product.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 18:57Dax Shepard?

  They're so confident in the product.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:01Dax Shepard?

  If you have any problem.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, here's our address and phone number.

• 19:04Dax Shepard?

  Here's our address and phone number. They know damn well sure no one's gonna call.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  No one's, because they're such good.

• 19:09Dax Shepard?

  Not Mike, because the product's so fucking robust.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  No one's gonna get, tear through that paper towel.

• 19:13Dax Shepard?

  And we were picturing the commercial is, I mean, standing him directly in front of the toilet, but for some reason he preferred pee in Bill and Linda Roberts Extra Thick Paper Towel. And then about six men in a urinal, all peeing in paper towel.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  We figure by the end, you don't even need a sink in your house.

• 19:32Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Or plumbing at all, really. You're peeing in there, you're cleaning your plates off and.

• 19:40Dax Shepard?

  If you have like a half carafe of coffee that's left over, just pour it on the Bob's paper towel and put it in the trash. And then eventually you can remove your sink and have more space for Bill and Linda.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, more counter space for paper towel storage.

• 19:57Dax Shepard?

  Anyways, we were like stored inside this restaurant and there's only one other woman inside. And she was young and I think I'm judgmental of young people sometimes. It looked like she was emo and was upset just to be alive. And then I thought she must be so annoyed with us laughing. And we were leaning and she said, oh my God, you two, thank you for all that laughter.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  She said, I needed that this morning.

• 20:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And I go, oh my God, our wives feel much differently. It's so nice to hear that you liked us losing our shit in an empty restaurant. Bill and Linda Roberts.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  I'd love to know if she like made any sense out of what we're talking about.

• 20:34Dax Shepard?

  By the way, guys, this delivery was a fucking blessing. We've been in the car for like a half hour.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  So do we know if that number that's $16 is with tip or without tip or we figured that out yet?

• 20:43Speaker 01

  It's with tip.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  It's with tip.

• 20:46Dax Shepard?

  That's with tip?

• 20:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yes, I can't even explain that.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  We might have to talk to chat GPT.

• 20:54Dax Shepard?

  We're in Sunland. Like this is where I get my cars worked on.

• 20:57Speaker 02

  I mean, this is only like 20 minutes, right?

• 20:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's pretty great.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  Bill and Linda Roberts, paper towel.

• 21:04Dax Shepard?

  Extra thick.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  Extra absorbent.

• 21:06Dax Shepard?

  For urinating and all, everything.

• 21:09Speaker 02

  You had Mike's hard coffee where you had to buy a barrel of it?

• 21:13Speaker 01

  Yes, 50 gallon drum.

• 21:17Dax Shepard?

  You have to own a truck to buy Mike's coffee. They don't want you to borrow a truck. If you have to borrow a truck, you really shouldn't be drinking Mike's coffee.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  You have to own a truck and have two friends.

• 21:29Dax Shepard?

  And you get a 12% discount if it's a work truck.

• 21:34Dax Shepard?

  And the coffee's not good, but it works the same as good coffee.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:37Dax Shepard?

  It's the slogan.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, doesn't taste great.

• 21:40Dax Shepard?

  No, but the caffeine is there.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  It'll get you.

• 21:42Dax Shepard?

  Cause we were saying, we hate having to go get coffee. Running out of coffee is what this product really addresses.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 21:50Dax Shepard?

  It's the last coffee you'll ever buy.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  So you gotta store it outside, of course, cause it's a 50 gallon drop.

• 21:58Dax Shepard?

  It's a barrel of coffee.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Make sure it's covered well during.

• 22:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's raining. And over the years, there's gonna be rust and.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Then you gotta climb in there after it's halfway done.

• 22:09Dax Shepard?

  And we make no guarantee. Everything is sold as is.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're on your own.

• 22:13Dax Shepard?

  I'm Mike's coffee.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  You gotta bring your own toaster or your own tie down.

• 22:20Dax Shepard?

  Add your own tarp.

• 22:29Dax Shepard?

  By the way, we keep forgetting to do it, but we can put on there that I pick up liquor. That's what we really wanna do.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Oh, right.

• 22:35Dax Shepard?

  Cause we wanna show up to a party, like a bunch of people waiting for all that booze. And then they're of course gonna meet you at the door, unlike most people who just say, leave that door.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  No, they have to. Liquor has to, cause you got the idea.

• 22:49Dax Shepard?

  Well, someone in this business had a hankering for something all the way out in Los Feliz.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, and they paid top dollar for a fucking sandwich.

• 22:56Dax Shepard?

  Meet at the door.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Nobody give a shit.

• 22:59Dax Shepard?

  Was it like a famous restaurant? You know, like, oh my God, I gotta get.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  No, yeah.

• 23:03Dax Shepard?

  It looked like they just opened.

• 23:06Dax Shepard?

  Maybe it's his brother.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  So much shit going on there. Tattoo on his neck, huh? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, he went right for it, didn't he? That's going big. He went big or went home.

• 23:22Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I'm sorry, were you guys in the middle of something?

• 23:24Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no, no, we were talking about your neck tattoo.

• 23:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  And he said, well, it's real big.

• 23:29Dax Shepard?

  Is it?

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Well, no, no, I said, I said you went big. You went big, sorry. Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's aggressive.

• 23:35Dax Shepard?

  I feel like it should be bigger. I can't see it, I guess.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  No, I know, it looks.

• 23:38Dax Shepard?

  It's plenty big.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  It's perfect.

• 23:41Dax Shepard?

  It's a perfect.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  There's something about neck tattoos where, I don't know, subconsciously you go, that guy could kill you. Obviously, you're very nice, but if I like random person.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  Well, then when you ask them what it means and you're like, oh, this guy's cool.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, January 2nd, Capricorn. That's the Wimpy.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Definitely cool.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:00Dax Shepard?

  You believe in astrology? No, only so far as it makes me the same as my friend.

• 24:08Dax Shepard?

  I just like the sea and Capricorn, actually. You can keep the rest of the word.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  At that point, it's like a Disney tattoo.

• 24:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, in escalation, I'm sure, right, neck is still before face. When you meet someone with face tattoos, it's hard not to think like, this person has nothing to lose. They've decided, I don't need to get hired. I got a whole nother story going on. Even I get a little scared. But I do think these younger kids, you've got like Post Malone, that guy seems super sweet.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  He's the sweetest, right?

• 24:35Dax Shepard?

  And then Teddy Swims, he's got all the face tattoos and he's a sweet boy.

• 24:39Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm from West LA, so I never knew anybody with tattoos before I met you guys.

• 24:44Dax Shepard?

  None of your friends in high school have tattoos?

• 24:46Speaker 02

  And none of my friends I can think of in West LA have a tattoo.

• 24:48Dax Shepard?

  Really?

• 24:49Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 24:49Dax Shepard?

  Because I also feel like it's something that 45-year-old dads are like, I always wanted one. My son was gonna get one, so we decided to get these matching Tasmanian devils.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Always with the Tasmanian devil. Everyone with the Tas.

• 25:03Dax Shepard?

  Should we do a moral dumbfounding question with Eric? That feels fun because.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:07Dax Shepard?

  Eric has very, well, fuck, I almost feel like Eric should make one up. But maybe you'll think of one because your pastime in social settings is to ask really hard questions. You even ruined like a double date once.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Yes, with the which kid would you pick to die question?

• 25:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 25:22Speaker 02

  And everybody has an answer, but most people won't answer them.

• 25:25Dax Shepard?

  I know you say that everyone has an answer, but I don't know that I do.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  Well, I think what it does, and the question is, if you were in a creek, a dam broke, and both your kids were there, and you can only save one.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  It's a tough one to answer.

• 25:37Dax Shepard?

  And if answered, best to do privately.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Everybody has one in their head, but that's why it's fun asking at a dinner party.

• 25:44Dax Shepard?

  Well, you asked it and it caused an actual fight between the man and wife.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:48Dax Shepard?

  You regretted that a little bit?

• 25:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, my wife wasn't too happy.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Okay, this one's fun, what I perceive as fun.

• 25:56Dax Shepard?

  This one's a good time.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  Cannibalism consent. A man volunteers to have a part of his body, his foot, amputated, and then eaten by a willing participant. Both parties consent and no one is harmed beyond what they agreed to. Is this morally wrong?

• 26:13Dax Shepard?

  Do you guys remember that 15 years ago when the internet was still sending new? Where this woman, her fantasy was to be raped and killed by a man? And then the man, six states over, they were communicating and they worked out this agreement? And then he was en route to do it and somehow he got arrested?

• 26:32Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 26:33Dax Shepard?

  But people were like, what's the rules there?

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Cause there was consent.

• 26:36Dax Shepard?

  The person wants to be murdered.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  Rape and murder?

• 26:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  I don't think you can rape and murder somebody.

• 26:42Dax Shepard?

  No, I mean, yeah, yeah, even with consent.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:45Speaker 01

  That doesn't fall into the assisted suicide.

• 26:48Dax Shepard?

  Right, I mean, what's the line?

• 26:49Speaker 02

  Assisted suicide is still murder, right, in California?

• 26:52Dax Shepard?

  Is it still? I know Oregon it's not. Everyone's been loosening their laws on that.

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Why did the person want their foot eaten? Just because?

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Just because.

• 27:01Dax Shepard?

  He likes the idea of someone eating his foot.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, they both like the idea. One guy wants to eat a foot and the other guy wants to chop his foot off and let the guy eat it.

• 27:08Dax Shepard?

  Also, it doesn't say the gender of the eater, but we are all.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Of course we are, right? Cause men are sick.

• 27:17Dax Shepard?

  Something really wrong with us.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, I pictured two men right away. Two disgusting men.

• 27:26Dax Shepard?

  One who gets off on having his foot eaten and the other guy.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  The thought of eating someone's foot is fucking.

• 27:31Dax Shepard?

  It's just all bone.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  It's insane.

• 27:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you couldn't pick a fucking.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  If that question said like, slice off a piece of your ass cheek?

• 27:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  A foot though.

• 27:41Dax Shepard?

  Bony foot.

• 27:42Speaker 01

  Oh, God, and a man's foot, dude, Jesus Christ.

• 27:46Dax Shepard?

  That man's yellow, callous, gross toenails. A little barbecue sauce. Smoke, you'd have to smoke it for sure to get that meat. What little meats on there, tenderized.

• 28:01Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Mom's Car.

• 28:05Dax Shepard?

  Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. You know, it reminds me of all those times when checking first really pays off. Like that time I didn't check the weather before planning a backyard barbecue. Rookie mistake. Or how about when you're about to head out on a road trip and you know to check your tire pressure first? It's those little check first moments that save us from bigger headaches later. I mean, think about it. You always check if you have your wallet before sitting down at a restaurant, right? Or make sure you've got your keys before closing the front door? These are just smart moves we all make. Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability.

• 28:48Dax Shepard?

  Allstate North American Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmigiana delivered. A day at the lake? That's a no. A Philly cheesesteak? That's a yes. An afternoon stroll? Sorry, no. A burrito bowl? Happily yes. What about a day of sunshine? Not happening. A box of fine chocolates? Yes, that's happening. Delivery on its way. Okay, how about some clear skies? Nope. Well, then how about some french fries? Yep. A little escape? No. A delicious bowl of grapes? Yes, yes, that. How about a freshly cut lawn? Can't help you there, but barbecued prawns?

• 29:33Dax Shepard?

  Order it and it's on its way. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.

• 29:46Speaker 02

  That makes me think of like another sort of similar moral question is could Bill Gates have a game show where he gave people like $20 million to cut off their hand? And everybody was consenting and their whole life was changed from cutting off the hand. It would make a good show.

• 30:05Dax Shepard?

  I don't know about a good show, but people would watch the show. Yeah, it'd make a hit show, but I don't know.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  I guess I was thinking, is that illegal? Nobody else is cutting off the hand. The guy who's getting paid is cutting off his own hand and he's just getting paid for that.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  I would love to watch that show.

• 30:21Dax Shepard?

  Well, there's two questions, right? There's, I guess there's a legal question. Could you structure that arrangement in a way that's legal? There's a moral. Question. I'd say morally it's wrong to want to see someone cut off their hand or foot and suffer because you have the means to make that a tempting situation. That feels morally repugnant to me to desire that, no?

• 30:46Speaker 02

  It does, but I'm sure there's some showrunner who would make the show if they can make money. And like Aaron said, people would watch it.

• 30:53Dax Shepard?

  So when we prepped cars together, which we did for 14 years, and I'm talking thousands and thousands and thousands of cars, like on every car show for the long lead show, we would ship like 120 cars to Wisconsin and we would prep all 120 every night and we would towel off all 120 every morning for like 12 days straight. So just even in that week, we would prep 1,300 cars.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 31:18Dax Shepard?

  16 hours a day, you're fucking prepping cars. And we're all teenagers or young twenties and you're bored out of your mind and we just play endless scenario games like this. And one was how much to punch your mom in the face.

• 31:31Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:31Dax Shepard?

  As hard as you could.

• 31:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 31:34Dax Shepard?

  And it's mostly all guys that we worked with.

• 31:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:37Dax Shepard?

  You know, we're going through everyone's answer. My cousin was really cheap. I was like, oh, it was a little bit telling, I think, of how you felt. Your mom.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  You could share the money with your mom afterwards.

• 31:49Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so initially I had said.

• 31:52Speaker 02

  And this is when you guys didn't have money?

• 31:54Dax Shepard?

  We were broke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were working like 100 hours a week to make $1,000 a week.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Right, right, right, right.

• 32:00Dax Shepard?

  And initially I was like, I couldn't punch my mom in the face as hard as I could for any amount of money. I just couldn't do it, even if I intellectually wanted to.

• 32:09Speaker 02

  She would be mad at you because of that.

• 32:10Dax Shepard?

  That's what I figured out later is like, at some point, if I told my mom, hey, you're gonna be proud of me, I turned down $10 million to punch you in the face, she might go, well, fuck, I would way rather get punched in the face.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Work on my ass off.

• 32:25Dax Shepard?

  Than work for the next 20 years to make that amount of money. And she might be mad at me.

• 32:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:31Dax Shepard?

  So then it became another layer was like, do they know why you're doing it? Are they in on it? Yeah, like if you had to keep it a secret. At least all the way through the punching and then the ride to the hospital.

• 32:43Speaker 02

  It's a secret.

• 32:44Dax Shepard?

  It's a secret. Good news when she wakes up.

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:48Dax Shepard?

  For Shandor Khan's. Good news, mom, you're rich.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  Now that's a show.

• 32:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and we play these games, every single scenario you could think of. There's an older guy we worked with, his hygiene was really rough. I was like, how much to eat his ass?

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  I'll ask my kids.

• 33:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, like how much to kiss him?

• 33:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 33:12Dax Shepard?

  And you just discover really funny things, like straight guys might prefer to blow him than to make out with him. Alright, like some counterintuitive.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:22Dax Shepard?

  Things would pop up.

• 33:23Speaker 02

  Who, your dad?

• 33:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no, but that can't.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  That always can. Right, right, right, right, right.

• 33:29Dax Shepard?

  No, just this guy we worked with who had bad hygiene.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  Oh, got it. Oh, I see.

• 33:32Dax Shepard?

  It was way older than us.

• 33:33Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, so you'd rather, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:34Dax Shepard?

  How much to get buttfucked by him, how much to buttfuck him, how much to blow him, how much to make out with him. And sometimes you're like, wait a minute, it costs you way more to make out with him than to buttfuck him? That's weird. Huh, let's think about that. Okay, so I'll go first with this foot thing. This isn't very hard for me, this is fine.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  Same.

• 33:53Dax Shepard?

  Like, I don't care if someone wants to cut their foot off and then another guy wants to eat it.

• 33:56Speaker 02

  But you wouldn't be okay with that if the guy was getting paid to get his foot cut off?

• 34:01Dax Shepard?

  Because I think you're exploiting someone in a vulnerable situation. I think anytime you're leveraging money over someone who's very desperate, morally, that's wrong. There's no, like, disenfranchised person in this story. Let's say it's a well-to-do man, he's not gonna make any money off of getting his foot cut off.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  He just likes the thought of somebody eating him.

• 34:20Dax Shepard?

  He loves that idea. And then the guy wants to eat the foot, he's not financially compromised at all either.

• 34:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess it's morally okay.

• 34:29Dax Shepard?

  Because if you take your thing about Bill Gates, it's an easy argument for you to persuade yourself because you're saying twenty million dollars and that's very life-changing, right?

• 34:38Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:38Dax Shepard?

  But then take that to what was happening in real life on YouTube, which is like offering two bums twenty dollars to fight each other and get hurt. It's gruesome and terrible and whatever asshole gave them twenty dollars is a piece of shit.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  I guess I was thinking from the legality of it and the fact that it could be a successful show. But morally, it would be bad.

• 35:02Speaker 01

  First of all.

• 35:06Dax Shepard?

  You should be a TV executive. That should be your third career.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Another question I'll ask parents who have a newly born baby. It's a black and white question where some parents say, oh, absolutely. And some are like, why would you even ask that question?

• 35:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  But with the new baby in their arms, I ask, would you cut off their little toe for $10 million right now? Would you just take it off with some pronitures or a knife? And you have to do it yourself.

• 35:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  Most people will do it for $10 million.

• 35:34Dax Shepard?

  Really?

• 35:34Speaker 02

  I would say 60% of the people will do it for $10 million. And then 40% of the people think it's a horrible, horrible question.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  I would absolutely say no, but I think I would have said yes.

• 35:44Speaker 02

  What if it was a hundred?

• 35:45Speaker 01

  At some point in my life.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  Maybe 100 million is a better question, a better number. Cause then they're set forever. They don't need to worry about money.

• 35:52Dax Shepard?

  Well, you have to ask yourself, when this kid turns 18 and I tell them, hey, guess what? I had an opportunity to cut off your pinky toe and you'd have 100 million dollars right now. Aren't you glad I did cut off your pinky toe? And if they go, why would you do that? I guess that's what you're trying to imagine.

• 36:06Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:06Dax Shepard?

  That they would be grateful you made that decision for them. But what if they were Mark Zuckerberg and he's sitting around and he's like, oh my God, my fucking parents cut my toe off. I have 180 billion dollars. I didn't need that money. I could make my own money. And they thought I was going to be such a loser. They cut my toe off.

• 36:22Speaker 01

  When you have a toe cut off, you're gonna adapt, but you're gonna not be able to fucking do things.

• 36:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  I mean, that's a tough fucking question.

• 36:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I wonder if you'd be better off losing a pinky than a toe?

• 36:35Speaker 02

  You could pick. I would love to not have a toe for 100 million dollars.

• 36:38Dax Shepard?

  You'd be delighted to go get it.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:40Dax Shepard?

  Or even right now, what would you sell a toe for right now?

• 36:43Speaker 02

  Oh, I'd sell a toe. I mean, the market's been horrible the last month.

• 36:47Dax Shepard?

  Very unstable. We don't know what's happening with the tariffs.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  With these tariffs and stuff. I would cut off my little toe for 10 million.

• 36:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  I'd cut mine off for a million.

• 36:54Speaker 02

  I'd probably go for five. I don't think you really need, you need your little toe.

• 36:58Dax Shepard?

  And I admittedly have no fun to play this game with anymore.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  No, I didn't even ask you these questions.

• 37:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you hate me now.

• 37:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I don't hate you, but it does depend.

• 37:05Dax Shepard?

  I understand your frustration.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:07Dax Shepard?

  But for me, it's like an emotional growth thing. It's like, well, how much money do I need? Why would I not do anything I don't want to do for more money?

• 37:14Speaker 02

  I think where you can also get with the baby one is that we all know people who have a lot of money and they're unhappy.

• 37:21Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:22Speaker 02

  So you may well be making your kid miserable by giving him a hundred million dollars, fifty million dollars, whatever it is.

• 37:28Dax Shepard?

  Totally, yes. Because you almost can't have them growing up knowing they have a hundred million dollars or they won't try to do anything. For much of their life, they would just want to know why they don't have a toe. And you'd probably have to say you have a birth defect. And they're like, that's a very clean birth defect. You can see where the toe used to be.

• 37:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:46Dax Shepard?

  And then at some age, you go, good news, you have a million dollars. And then just keep doling it out.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:53Dax Shepard?

  Keep surprising them. And then on their thirties, where they're actually, you have ten million dollars.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, you have to give them most of it later in life, I guess. But then they might be mad the way that you decided to split it up. What if the trauma of you cutting the toe off with a knife or whatever? What if they become a drug addict and then like you convince yourself that it was because of the trauma that?

• 38:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're the kid without a toe. Like, everyone knows you don't have a toe.

• 38:22Speaker 02

  But you subconsciously might remember the panic of having your toe cut off.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  And actually, I take that back. I would not take a million for my toe right now. My one big pleasure in life is playing pickleball lately.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Oh, come on, you can play.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  Right? Well, I'm sure I could learn, but.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  I mean, without a little toe.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  Almost. I gotta adapt to not having a toe now.

• 38:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  It's a miracle that I'm actually exercising.

• 38:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  You might be better off with your fourth toe cut off, right? Instead of your pinky toe for balance.

• 38:49Dax Shepard?

  That is the sad part about money. And we all grew up fucking craving money like crazy is, I think a lot of people sadly are in a position that they would sell their legs. And then you think, oh, I'm gonna have money and I'll be happy. But then you realize like, oh, no, no. The only thing that makes you happy is playing pickleball. Doesn't really matter how much money you have.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  Right.

• 39:06Dax Shepard?

  Still the only activity that gives you any joy. And you got rid of it for money.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was thinking for a billion dollars, would I make it so I just didn't taste anything for the rest of my life?

• 39:16Speaker 01

  Oh. Can you get a toast, someone back on?

• 39:19Speaker 02

  It seems like I would, but then I'm like, well, then you wouldn't have any.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  Fire towel for that money?

• 39:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:24Dax Shepard?

  Someone else's legs.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  Story keeps going.

• 39:27Dax Shepard?

  The only ones are available is like a small Asian woman's legs. And you gotta explain that every time you're on vacation. But you're right, what's the point of having money if you go on vacation? The only thing you and I do on vacation is talk about what we're gonna have for lunch.

• 39:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, and drink Diet Coke, cuz it tastes good.

• 39:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah. Imagine not giving a fuck that it was Diet Coke. You just start drinking Diet Pepsi all the time.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:47Dax Shepard?

  Like, all the Diet Coke, oh, we only have Diet Pepsi. It doesn't matter to me. I don't even wanna be alive if I don't care which one I'm getting. Let's do a reader one.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Okay, I couldn't even wait to tell Dax this morning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. This is from a listener, Jalise. Hi, Dax and Aaron. One of many hilarious struggles I have faced as a mother. My 16-year-old son, who has a moderate intellectual disability, has decided that toilet paper just isn't cutting it anymore. Instead, he's embraced a towel-only routine for his bathroom needs. Here's the kicker. After his unconventional wiping method, he meticulously hangs up the towel back on the rack, as if nothing unusual happened. The first wake-up call came when I reached for a towel to dry my face

• 40:39Speaker 01

  and was greeted by an unmistakable surprise.

• 40:44Speaker 01

  Imagine my shock when I realized our towels were now an unwitting canvas for his new system. The struggle has turned our home into a blend of frustration and unexpected comedy. But don't worry. We have managed to save one towel and have it hidden away for guests when they visit. Help. Sincerely.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  And she signs it sincerely, just a mom trying to avoid pink eye. Jaleel.

• 41:20Dax Shepard?

  You know what I like about it immediately is like, people are so delicate around situations.

• 41:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:25Dax Shepard?

  But when you have a kid who's moderately mentally impaired, you got no choice but to just think it's funny.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 41:33Dax Shepard?

  Right? That's what I kinda like about it. You imagine this life where you're dealing with this thing and then you'd be sad all the time and feel bad. Life boogies on and you're like, oh fucking Mike, guess what his new thing is? He's wiping his ass with towels.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  And I think maybe this is how our Bill and Linda Roberts paper towel story started back up this morning.

• 41:51Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  As we were talking about this, like, what he really needs is a.

• 41:55Dax Shepard?

  Bill and Linda Roberts.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Okay, we got one here.

• 42:00Dax Shepard?

  From a place we eat at all the time.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  I know.

• 42:02Dax Shepard?

  For the win.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Are we gonna answer the question?

• 42:04Dax Shepard?

  We are. He's gonna grab the food and then we'll debate it. We'll debate a solution.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  Cause he's got an answer.

• 42:09Speaker 01

  Yes, she needs help.

• 42:10Dax Shepard?

  She needs a lot of help.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  If you do have three phones going at the same time, you'd accept one while you're driving, you might be able to get it down pretty well.

• 42:16Dax Shepard?

  I think that's why sometimes it's really late. They're juggling like six or seven apps. Okay, so the sun is wiping with towels. Yeah. Okay, Eric, you said you already have a answer?

• 42:29Speaker 02

  I think it's probably okay, but you just have to have some rules around it where you can only use this towel on the rack in the bathroom. So it's not all the towels, you know what I mean?

• 42:40Dax Shepard?

  You just always have a shitty towel hanging in there.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  You just always have a shit towel there.

• 42:43Dax Shepard?

  Look how close this was.

• 42:44Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 42:45Dax Shepard?

  This is about as embarrassing as I've done it when I order from Five Guys at Ryan's house, which is directly across the street. And I'm expecting the delivery guy to go, you lazy motherfucker. God, are you fucking lazy?

• 42:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, this was like 1,200 feet.

• 43:00Dax Shepard?

  Truly.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:01Dax Shepard?

  Less than a quarter of a mile.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  He's shooting you some messages there.

• 43:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he's already got some messages?

• 43:05Speaker 01

  He's got a gate code, it looked like.

• 43:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  Oh my gosh, this guy must be important.

• 43:10Speaker 01

  Apartment number, gate code.

• 43:12Dax Shepard?

  Great. I would say, Eric, this is the hardest part of the job, is like, once you get on the scene trying to find their fucking apartment. Okay, hold the conversation for me.

• 43:19Speaker 02

  Yes, okay, okay.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  Hey. Maybe he parked in front of their garage door.

• 43:22Dax Shepard?

  In there? In that garage door? Okay.

• 43:26Dax Shepard?

  What? Okay, let me just drop this off, I'll be right back.

• 43:30Speaker 01

  Let me go deliver this first?

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Oh, the bastards. That ended up taking a minute.

• 43:36Dax Shepard?

  Did you guys already solve it?

• 43:38Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 43:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay, you paused it. I'm reading a lot between the lines, but it sounds a bit like he's very specific. Like, he wants to use every towel.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 43:47Dax Shepard?

  You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to read between the lines of like, what parameters could you put that are gonna work with his disposition? Could you say that's your shit towel?

• 43:54Speaker 02

  And it's only one toilet.

• 43:56Dax Shepard?

  I was more thinking, start real small, like, well, first of all, I think you guys gotta roll with whatever's happening with this kid, right?

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Right, right, right.

• 44:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I don't know if you're gonna win.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  People used to wash diapers, I mean, this is like similar.

• 44:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, think of it as a towel.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  I'm guessing if she used the one on her face, I'm guessing there's one bathroom.

• 44:16Dax Shepard?

  True. And it's hand towels, she wouldn't have used like a full body towel to wipe her face off after she washed her face, right? My thought was, would it be okay for her to say to him, "Carry on, keep wiping, enjoy"? Just, you gotta leave him on the ground, or a little hamper for his poop towels.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  Right, a poop towel hamper, which makes sense. And those can go in a separate wash than the regular clothes, so you weren't washing them together.

• 44:40Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's an interesting thought. Do you think they need to be washed separately? I mean, I guess...

• 44:44Speaker 01

  Does poop have to... I think, okay, I'm gonna tell you, our dog, Dan, was throwing up, so we're cleaning up his throw up, and she goes, "Just put that in the utility sink next to the washer, because I already have poop underwear and poop, everything soaking in there", and I was like, ew.

• 45:05Dax Shepard?

  What happened, honey?

• 45:06Speaker 01

  So, I think people soak the poop up.

• 45:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  No, you don't soak poop.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  No! This is, this happened!

• 45:13Dax Shepard?

  Cause there's a little kid, let's just be clear.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's little kids, I mean, yeah.

• 45:16Dax Shepard?

  Ruthie had it showered herself in poop. This is from a visiting child, right?

• 45:20Speaker 01

  But you don't let it soak first? You don't put a bunch of poop in the washer?

• 45:24Dax Shepard?

  In the whites. In with the whites. Yeah, I guess I'm fine with that.

• 45:28Speaker 02

  We all poop in our pants all the time.

• 45:31Dax Shepard?

  Well, occasionally. That's what I'm saying. When I have an accident, I clean my underpanties out.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:37Dax Shepard?

  First in the toilet.

• 45:38Speaker 02

  I guess I throw them away.

• 45:39Dax Shepard?

  I dip them in and out of the toilet. You just throw them right away. That's probably most sanitary. Do you ever do that? You wash them in the toilet bowl itself? Not when it's dirty. Like, you flush the toilet, you know, clean water. A swish, swish. And then into the sink, maybe. And then I do a little sink, then in the hamper. And then I'm not too worried.

• 45:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've only done the sink.

• 45:57Dax Shepard?

  That's good. Yeah.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Toilet water, why not?

• 45:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, why not? I mean, you're already dealing with poopy underwear.

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Buy new underwear anyway, so all my underwear is 10 years old, so it's a good excuse to throw the underwear away.

• 46:07Dax Shepard?

  That's interesting, because you buy a lot of clothes.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  I don't. I've still got that Pangaea stuff we bought during COVID.

• 46:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  A lot of my clothes. I buy a lot of shoes.

• 46:14Dax Shepard?

  I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking of, is you buy a lot of shoes. And I guess that's true for myself as well.

• 46:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need some clothes. I've been riding the same clothes for a minute.

• 46:22Dax Shepard?

  I had to have, like, a talk with myself last year where I was like, "You have some responsibility to have new clothes." Like, you're on TV. You can't just quit. Because that's what I wanted to do, is just like, "Yeah, wear whatever I bought for the rest of my life until it wears out." I just look at Kristen, I'm like, "Look how much effort she puts into it." I just felt lazy that I'm in the public eye and I'm making no effort to have good style.

• 46:46Speaker 02

  Well, you got that shirt Brad Pitt gave you. Is that this one?

• 46:49Dax Shepard?

  That's this. Yeah, it's actually this exact one. You bought me one for my birthday, which was so generous.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  I mean, those are nice.

• 46:55Dax Shepard?

  Incredibly nice. And I like them. What keeps me from buying clothes is I'm intimidated that I don't know what I like. You know what I'm saying?

• 47:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, 100%.

• 47:02Dax Shepard?

  I want to get new stuff, but I'm not sure what I like. And then I just have some brands that I trust, and then I just kind of buy whatever they sell.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  Actually, Kristen's picked out a lot of my clothes, because I'm like, "Well, if she says it is good, then it's good."

• 47:15Dax Shepard?

  Yes, she's a very good barometer.

• 47:17Speaker 02

  Monica does, too.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  Ruth has picked out... I mean, I only have a couple pairs of pants, but she wants to always buy me more. And I say, "No, I have two. Why would I need three?"

• 47:25Dax Shepard?

  Now, here's what I don't understand about you. Why don't you wear Levi's? Or do you? Cause you have the legs and ass for Levi's. I have been singularly working out for six years on my legs and ass in hopes I could wear Levi's and they look good. I'm just finally there. Cause nothing's cooler than Levi's.

• 47:43Speaker 02

  Why? Cause it feels out.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess I need Levi's. I think these are.

• 47:46Dax Shepard?

  I mean, yours look great. I've not thought your pants aren't good, but it's.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  She told me now, these are too big. I can't have skin tight.

• 47:53Dax Shepard?

  No. Also, I think that the trend went the other way. I think my pants are too tight now. Everyone's wearing enormous pants.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:00Dax Shepard?

  This is what's so crazy is when Aaron and I were in high school, we wore size 53 inch pants.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 48:06Dax Shepard?

  We would go to Myers and get these cheap blue jeans, cut the bottoms off, and you had a big belt, and you wore 53 inch pants with 3XL Champion sweatshirts, and I loved it, and I felt great in it. And when this style came back, I was imagining myself in it, and I'm like, I don't have the confidence. It looks insane. I can't do it. It's just weird that I was able to do it and now I'm not. And now everyone, now Monica's funk rock.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Can we just post pictures of ourselves?

• 48:34Dax Shepard?

  Put our old face on top of it.

• 48:37Speaker 02

  What do you mean 53 pants? 53.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  They're like as wide as this car.

• 48:40Speaker 02

  Well, then they wouldn't stay on your belt.

• 48:42Dax Shepard?

  You just belt them up.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  You crunch them, fold them over and belt them.

• 48:46Dax Shepard?

  That's all we wore from senior year to probably 20 years old. And these shoes we called hobos you got at Myers as well.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  They were like a couple of dollars.

• 48:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, eight bucks for a pair of shoes. I remember when I got to California, that was still my style. People were like.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  Bro.

• 49:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, what's going on here?

• 49:02Speaker 02

  That's what all the teenagers, Lily's friends, the boys have, like their butt crack kinda hangs out.

• 49:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should be like, oh, great, it's back. I should have embraced it. I'm slow. I was two years late on wearing skinny jeans, and then I wore them two years longer than I should have. But the reason I'm pitching Levi's is, once you commit to Levi's, it's over. This style has been cool since the 50s.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  Right. 501.

• 49:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's what I have. Button fly.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  Fit or?

• 49:29Dax Shepard?

  I'll tell you the ones I get. Yeah, but you're.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  I love a new pair of Levi's.

• 49:33Dax Shepard?

  Your haunches might be a little too big, and they're super reasonably priced, and you can't destroy them. They're actually the best. This episode was brought to you by Levi's.

• 49:44Speaker 02

  And Belvedere's favorite.

• 49:45Dax Shepard?

  Do you know the thing about why it's buttons and rivets?

• 49:49Speaker 02

  No.

• 49:50Dax Shepard?

  Do you know this, Eric? I feel like you would know.

• 49:51Speaker 02

  Something to do with mining?

• 49:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. They wanted miners to be able to repair the pants.

• 49:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 49:57Dax Shepard?

  While they were out in the field. They were out mining with no women anywhere near, and they all had rivet guns.

• 50:03Speaker 02

  Right.

• 50:03Dax Shepard?

  So they could repair the pants.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  Themselves.

• 50:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 50:06Speaker 02

  Are those 501 jeans?

• 50:07Dax Shepard?

  They are, yeah. And I can't get out of them. They're on date 11 in these. Eric, I love you. Thanks for joining us.

• 50:13Speaker 02

  I love you guys. Thanks for having me.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  Could've did this all day.

• 50:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh my God. I know. I wish this was kind of like a two banger. We could've done this forever. Well, maybe you'll come on again.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you'll be popular demand, I'm sure.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  Dex told me when I got sober, when I was trying to figure it out and be at home, when I stopped coming to LA as often, he's like, "You have to find your Eric."

• 50:38Speaker 01

  He's like, "It's a necessity. You have to find your Eric."

• 50:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  In Detroit.

• 50:43Dax Shepard?

  I think it's just baggage from being a kid in a class now. It's like, even though in AAI, I gotta take it seriously, I still need to be in the back of the classroom a little bit. I need one person I can be like, "Ooh."

• 50:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can talk about everything.

• 50:58Dax Shepard?

  All right, love you.

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Love you guys.