Is It Okay to Have Crushes in a Relationship?

Having crushes in a relationship – harmless or unhealthy? We are breaking it all down with data from our listeners and discussing how normal it is, what counts as “harmless,” the differences between men and women having crushes, the “work wife” trope, when fantasizing becomes a problem, and more. We break down an article titled “The Secret to a Great Marriage? Crushes on Other People” and a listener email with the subject line “Happily married, but still fantasize about others.. is that fucked up?” We also share our own experiences (including Ashley’s current crush). Before we get into the topic, we are discussing the hot topic of couples fighting over food delivery costs, and Rayna has a tour announcement! Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Rocket Money: Reach your financial goals faster at https://rocketmoney.com/gge. ZBiotics: Get 15% off at https://zbiotics.com/gge with code GGE. Helix: Go to http://helixsleep.com/gge for 27% off sitewide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Crushes should be at a distance. I love that. Yes, if that farmer's market guy slid into the DMs, "Oh, glad you like the pasta," get out of here. You know I'm married and now I can't have a crush on you anymore.

• 0:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  This podcast is a Dear Media production.

• 0:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

• 0:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Welcome back. Mid-May.

• 0:38Rayna Greenberg?

  That is what it is. I'm gearing up to be in New York for a whole month.

• 0:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, so I will be getting to New York today and then we have some fun things this week. Raina's show in New York. I will be there.

• 0:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, that's my special guest. Gramercy Theater Thursday night. Please come. Ashley will be at both shows.

• 0:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then, yeah, I'm going to be on the East Coast for two weeks.

• 0:58Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy.

• 0:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then I'm going to see my family and then going to Boston for Memorial Day weekend. Exotic. And I'm so excited. I just haven't been to Boston. And so I guess I was in Boston for the Thanksgiving holiday, but just summertime, springtime, you know, I used to spend so much time there when I was in a long-distance relationship. So, so excited to be there.

• 1:18Rayna Greenberg?

  You surprised me with that. I didn't know you were going to Boston. It's so exotic.

• 1:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. People are like, what are you doing for the holiday? Going to my first Red Sox game.

• 1:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, you've never been?

• 1:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've never been. So that'll be next weekend.

• 1:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you care about baseball?

• 1:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 1:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you like going to baseball?

• 1:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just have always wanted to go to Fenway. I don't know why.

• 1:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, because it's like a classic, yeah.

• 1:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Do you remember that movie? This was so many years ago, Fever Pitch. It had Jimmy Fallon in it.

• 1:39Rayna Greenberg?

  I actually only remember the cover art of that cartoon ball.

• 1:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 1:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Is that the cartoon ball?

• 1:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I think so. Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore. I love this movie. It's such a deep cut.

• 1:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Jimmy Fallon?

• 1:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Jimmy Fallon in this rom-com.

• 1:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  And ever since, I've just always wanted to go to a Red Sox game.

• 1:57Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel like the only thing men do as a group as they get older is they go on like baseball stadium tours.

• 2:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 2:02Rayna Greenberg?

  That's men's only group activity with each other as they get older.

• 2:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, we went to two baseball games last summer and that was too, too many, but it's fine. Like Shashank just loves baseball and so I will go to two a year.

• 2:14Rayna Greenberg?

  I have like PTSD because my dad used to drag us to every fucking Pirates game and talk the, he wanted to tell me about every umpire, every stat. I have truly never cared less about anything than baseball in my life. It's a night, hypothetically, it's a nice thing.

• 2:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's just so slow.

• 2:30Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I want hockey where they start to make out.

• 2:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just, I love a basketball game. I mean, when we went to that Celtics playoff game, I obviously love a football game.

• 2:40Rayna Greenberg?

  People are like, you go relax. It's like, I could go relax on my couch and not pay $50 to park and $20 for a hot dog. I could go relax some hours.

• 2:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Exactly. I just, I have been at baseball games and I have been sitting there for one hour and I haven't looked at the score. That's how little I care.

• 2:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Cause there isn't, it's like the score's two.

• 2:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  I couldn't tell you who's ever won a baseball game I have attended.

• 3:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Fuck no.

• 3:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  But anyway, it's a nice experience and my husband loves baseball, so we'll be at that game, but that's next weekend. So.

• 3:08Rayna Greenberg?

  We'll see you, we'll see you this week in New York City.

• 3:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we'll see you guys there. I'm so excited. And Raina has another fun special announcement, but we'll thank our partners.

• 3:16Rayna Greenberg?

  All right. Well, we'll thank our partners. Thank you to Rocket Money. Reach your financial goals faster at rocketmoney.com slash GGE and Zbiotics. Get 15% off at zbiotics.com slash GGE with code GGE.

• 3:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  And thank you to Helix. Go to helixsleep.com slash GGE for 27% off site wide. Okay, announcement time.

• 3:37Rayna Greenberg?

  You guys, I'm very excited to announce this because I was, I started to get really sad. Like, am I going to be done with this tour in May? And like, what am I going to do in the fall? And what I'm doing in the fall is extending the tour. So.

• 3:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  We knew you would. You guys knew she would.

• 3:49Rayna Greenberg?

  You knew I would. I didn't even know I would.

• 3:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, it's just like, what else are you doing?

• 3:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Truly what else am I doing?

• 3:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  And why not go tour the material as long as you can?

• 3:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. I mean, outside of you and I touring together, this is the greatest joy of my life. I love it. The tour has just been so much fun to be with you guys and I am adding 11 new cities. I'm going back to a couple of cities and I'm doing my first international tour stop in London. So I'm very excited. I'm trying, as this airs today, so I'm announcing the tour today on May 11th and I'll post it on my Instagram, all the tour stops and the dates. It will go on sale May 14th at 10 a.m. local time. So rainagreberg.com and I'll list the cities really quickly, but I don't know as we're recording right now what the London date is.

• 4:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know. I was just thinking, I don't know any of these. Guys, I've no, this is, you're hearing this is the first time with me. I don't know what she's doing. I know she's been working on them. She's talking about London. I'm supposed to go, but I don't know what's happening.

• 4:44Rayna Greenberg?

  I think I'm moving it so you can be with me. So my initial date, it might still be the date, who's to say? My initial date was July 4th, which I thought was like hilarious to do Independence Day.

• 4:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hate to be in this country.

• 4:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 4:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. America who, if you will?

• 4:57Rayna Greenberg?

  I started thinking I wanted you to be with me, so I might move this to October. So I don't know when the show is, by the time this airs, it will be on my website and be on the tour.

• 5:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so guys, check that space.

• 5:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Watch the space.

• 5:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Watch the space.

• 5:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I've rescheduled Nashville and Salt Lake, so I'll be going back there in July, but I'm kicking it off in Columbus, Ohio.

• 5:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Love it.

• 5:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Cincinnati, St. Louis, Indianapolis, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Stanford, Connecticut, Buffalo.

• 5:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Buffalo?

• 5:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Buffalo, baby. I feel like it's just a hopscap.

• 5:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  I have adrenaline right now.

• 5:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, wait till you get.

• 5:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  I didn't know any of these.

• 5:27Rayna Greenberg?

  The last three cities you're gonna be at, Vancouver, Detroit, and then I'm ending it all in Vegas.

• 5:34Rayna Greenberg?

  November 12th, Vegas. It's a Thursday night, come Thursday and Friday. I'm gonna invite every person we're friends with. I want to do like Thursday night show, Friday night, like chain smokers, club, another club, bus. Like I just want to go so hard.

• 5:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is insane.

• 5:46Rayna Greenberg?

  And I'm adding, I'm revisiting two stops that I just couldn't add more shows in. So Seattle and Toronto, I am coming back to those cities.

• 5:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh shit.

• 5:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Because I wanted to add more stops and I couldn't because I'm about, I probably came back in a body bag from the last time I did those.

• 6:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Definitely another cold this fall.

• 6:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 6:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I'm curious which one you're going to cancel. It's gonna be Ohio. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

• 6:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  We write for Ohio harder than any other performers I know.

• 6:10Rayna Greenberg?

  When people are like, what's your favorite cities to perform? And we're like all of the Ohio cities.

• 6:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  All the Ohio's. Okay. When is Vancouver?

• 6:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Thank you for asking. It's the day before Seattle. So October 28th is Vancouver. October 29th, Seattle.

• 6:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  When is Detroit?

• 6:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Detroit is 11 11, November 11th.

• 6:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, I like that.

• 6:29Rayna Greenberg?

  And then 11 12 Vegas. I wanted to actually end this several weeks before Thanksgiving because I think people start to like travel and I want you guys to like come, party in Vegas. Obviously, Ashley will be there.

• 6:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  What's on November 1st, my anniversary?

• 6:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I took that time off to celebrate, actually.

• 6:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  To celebrate it, that we may or may not be married?

• 6:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, congrats.

• 6:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Thank you.

• 6:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Buffalo.

• 6:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Came out of nowhere.

• 6:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Came out of nowhere because we've never gone there, not because we don't want to. And we have always heard that it's a great comedy scene and just the people are really fun. And so that's so great. I'm so glad.

• 7:03Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm really excited. So I just, I feel like I wasn't done. I felt like there was more to do. So this goes on sale this Thursday, May 14th, 10 a.m. local time. Everything will be on my website, rainagreberg.com.

• 7:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 7:12Rayna Greenberg?

  That's it. That's all I got. I can't wait.

• 7:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love that. Okay. Congrats. So fun. And of course, my comedic update is you guys can watch my special. It has been out worldwide. Yes, if there's any confusion. It's been out for 10 days now, 10, 11 days at this point. So you guys can watch it on YouTube, anywhere in the world.

• 7:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Except North Korea.

• 7:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Except for a few countries, Eritrea for one, which sounds vaginal.

• 7:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I thought that was an airline.

• 7:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Eritrea?

• 7:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm thinking of Emirates.

• 7:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's Eritrea. I don't know. It sounds just kind of, it sounds, it sounds cute.

• 7:48Rayna Greenberg?

  It does. It sounds like.

• 7:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  But also it sounds like something's going on with your urethra or your clit. And you can watch it if you're here in the U.S. on Prime Video, if you have a Prime Video subscription. So two ways to watch, but anywhere in the world, with the exception of like three countries, you can watch on YouTube. And I hope that you guys have been loving it, if you have watched it. So.

• 8:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I know you guys love it. It's amazing.

• 8:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  And we will have just done the Netflix is a Joke Festival last week. So thank you guys for coming out for that. We're recording this before the show, but we're sure it was amazing. We're sure you guys had a fun, hilarious. Horney time with us and the Chip and Nails and Bobby Westside, our emcee. So thank you to everyone that made that possible and we love being a part of this festival. And so thank you guys for, for coming out. And if you're looking for other fun stuff to do in LA, now that the biggest comedy festival in the world is over, we have a go to, and we've mentioned them before on this podcast, which is Camber. You speak Camber app, now it's Camber Places, which is camberplaces.com and Camber Places on Instagram.

• 8:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  And this is just an LA guide, things to do, restaurants. It is my go to. I posted this a couple of weeks ago that I send Shashank reels or posts of restaurants and he makes the rest. Like, these are all of our dates, like, all the things we do. I mean, you introduced me to it.

• 9:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Tessa, when she worked for us, when we first, when we first moved to LA, I was like, I need to get like, because you know, we lived in New York, I'd follow like Time Out New York and Infatuation and like, how do I find stuff to do in LA now? And I was like, what are the accounts I follow? And Tessa suggested, she was like, I love Zap Camber. And I subscribed to their newsletter and I just, I get so much like good stuff to do every week in LA from them. Even the founder, Maddie, she posts great reels too of just like tips of like travel, where to stay. So there's some cute reels, there's a cute reel of Ashley and I talking about Girls Night Out. If you subscribe to their Substack, we're also on there just talking about LA in general. But I'm always looking for like a trusted voice in every city. Like, I'm visiting town, what do I do? That's the one I go to is Camber in LA.

• 9:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, I wish they had it in every city. It's that good. And of course, there's plenty of platforms, there's Time Out in every city, but this just, I love what she does. I love what they do. For, when I went to Laguna Beach, I took the exact itinerary from Camber and then

• 10:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Exact.

• 10:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Just started their Instagram, which is Camber Places. And then you can go to their link tree and then you can find the Substack. They have a podcast called Is There Parking, which is so appropriate for LA. Obviously, you always got to know if there's parking newsletter, like we said. And just the reels and the, the website is really great. They redid it recently and you can look by like what you're looking for, your neighborhood. I mean, there's just obviously so many neighborhoods in LA. A lot of times you're like, I need, I can't just look at all of LA. I need to filter by the specific neighborhood and we just love it so much. I mean, I got to a point where I was like, I can't bookmark anymore. Like I just bookmark everything they post.

• 10:37Rayna Greenberg?

  They did an Ojai one. I took the whole trip in Ojai. There's not one, not one skip.

• 10:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just love the way they create the content, like every time and I'm never disappointed. You know, like I feel like sometimes you might see like a reel of a place of like, I don't know, a coffee shop and you're like, oh my God, it looks so beautiful, so exotic or something. And you guys are like, what is this? Like you really catfished. They don't do that. It's, it feels really true to what you, what you get.

• 11:02Rayna Greenberg?

  So check them out. Speaking of something to do in New York, I just want to tell you this because it made me laugh. Okay. So I'm like, obviously like a bagel purist, bagels are really important to me. We go, you want to go back and forth about what's a good bagel, what you're willing to eat and what I'm willing to eat. And I'm just, I don't want to eat bagels outside of New York City. It's what I want. It's just, I, it's all I care about it. Other cities, bagels, like I just keep it to yourself. I don't want it. You can't do it good. But there's this thing, there's a festival called New York Bagel Fest and it's gotten so big. I mean, I think it's like five, six years where I've been doing it. It's at Citi Field now. It's so big. And it's every bagel place in New York, in New York. And they've asked me to like be, I think they asked both of us to be a judge, right?

• 11:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 11:35Rayna Greenberg?

  We'll do it, we'll do it another year, but they did their first LA Bagel Fest and I got served a reel about it. And I was like, what is this?

• 11:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  I feel like that's rage bait. LA Bagel Fest? And I like the bagels here. I'm just saying, it does feel like maybe who greenlit this?

• 11:52Rayna Greenberg?

  I was looking at like all that, this reel, listen, I don't want to shit up. These are all great. It's just not my style bagel. All the bagels, you got like little court, like quarters of a bagel. People got like very creative with the toppings. There was like kimchi and salad. You know, I think they get too creative here. There's olive oil and there's just like honey and stop this.

• 12:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 12:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Stop this right now. And they all, and I was like, are they going to tell us the name of any of these places? And the only owner that they interviewed in this reel, she was like, our bagels are gluten free, dairy free and seed oil free. And I was like, ah, fuck this festival in LA.

• 12:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Fuck all the way off.

• 12:25Rayna Greenberg?

  I want them to be, it's full fat and it's full dairy. What dairy? Am I crazy? What dairy is in a bagel?

• 12:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Eggs?

• 12:32Rayna Greenberg?

  I think it's flower water and alkaline. You put alkaline in the water and you boil it. That's what, that's what makes the crust.

• 12:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Dairy free?

• 12:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Dairy free. Seed oil free. Shut the fuck up. Listen, I know people want to eat like this and good for you, but I don't want it. Tell me about a salad.

• 12:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  I really feel for people who have to eat gluten free. I mean, we have a close friend who, I mean, she's gluten free and I sometimes when we go places like she will get the gluten free version of whatever. And I always take a little taste and I always regret it.

• 13:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Isn't that?

• 13:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just, bread is tough, I think, for whatever reason.

• 13:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I ordered breakfast this morning, which is very unlike me and I did think, I almost, I thought about ordering gluten free bread and I was like, nah, enjoy your day.

• 13:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it just doesn't hit the same, but I mean, I feel for them. They know it doesn't.

• 13:20Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a terrible life decision to make.

• 13:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  A lot of people have celiac, kidding.

• 13:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I don't think we need an LA bagel fest, LA taco fest, LA pasta fest.

• 13:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Thai, Korean.

• 13:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  LA salad fest.

• 13:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Literally sandwiches.

• 13:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  I would fuck with a salad fest. Sandwiches.

• 13:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I could give you a, I've done every single sandwich in LA. I'm like a connoisseur, like crazy pizza here is fantastic. Bagels, I don't want it. You don't need to do it here.

• 13:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know what? I will accept that from you because you said you will give us, you will give us pizza.

• 13:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I think there's great pizza.

• 13:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  There's some of the best in the country. Yeah. We went to a great Indian place recently that I saw again, Camber, sent it to Shashank, we made a rez. It's called Bad Mash. It's in Venice. Such a vibe. Just give me a restaurant with good food and rap music. You know, I get so pissed if a restaurant is not playing rap music and I know that's not for everybody, but I'm like, why not?

• 14:14Rayna Greenberg?

  But why not give me a vibe?

• 14:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. There is a restaurant, I'm not going to call them out by name, in New York and it was a place we spent a lot of time and I know them. And I was like, I got to a point where I was like, the music is just, it's always different. I never know what we're getting. And I asked the manager and she was like, it's just whatever the hostess wants to put on. I was like, what?

• 14:37Rayna Greenberg?

  You just leave it up to the hostess.

• 14:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can tell. You guys are never trying to set a vibe. Like, that's crazy. Consistency is key. I feel like you should know what you're getting at an establishment. I don't even know what you're saying to me. That's insane. So the hostess is having like an emo, bad day.

• 14:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Right.

• 14:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Sometimes I would walk in there and I'd be like, this has to be a joke what's playing.

• 14:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, what if you got broken up with today?

• 14:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. Or like, it could be heavy metal. I'm leaving.

• 15:01Rayna Greenberg?

  I just want to listen to bad money all day, every day. But like, also, like, what if that doesn't match the vibe?

• 15:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. So, anyway, but great experience at this, at Bad Mash. Okay, well, so, speaking of food, we have this article we wanted to discuss, discuss with you guys.

• 15:18Rayna Greenberg?

  So there's this article on The Cut, it's called, "I'm Over Here Meal Prepping While He Spends $100 on Sushi." It unpacks three different scenarios with three different couples and their spending habits around food, which, I mean, we can break each one down, and we will. I just, I find it really interesting. And a lot of these questions are like, what am I allowed to say something about? What's reasonable? What crosses the line? And I think that this is like, highly debatable, what you're allowed to ask of your partner in terms of how they spend money. I mean, you just, you gotta get aligned about, how do I see money? And how do I see the rest of my life? And what, how do I value spending?

• 15:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. Yeah, it says, "The number of households that use food delivery services like DoorDash, Grubhub, Uber Eats has roughly doubled in recent years." Obviously, that's not a bad thing. "Pivoting to takeout kept many restaurants afloat during the pandemic, yada, yada." But it's just gotten more expensive. Like, I can't, I mean, with the fees and everything, and as it should be. I mean, sometimes I, I can't believe what some of these delivery drivers are running around and not making. You know, like, I always want to tip, and it's not about that, but it's gotten more expensive to get food delivered.

• 16:24Rayna Greenberg?

  And a lot of, a lot of these services, almost all of them, DoorDash, Grubhub, Uber Eats, they charge the restaurant a percentage. It's usually like 15 to 25% of the total bill. And so restaurants will pass those fees on to the customers, and those menu items are more money when you order them on these things than when, if you'd go to a restaurant. So there's that fee also. So it's 20% more, it's a delivery fee, it's like, just things that you say, like, fee.

• 16:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 16:45Rayna Greenberg?

  And a tip. So yeah, it's expensive.

• 16:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, so there's three scenarios here. So the first one, a 27 year old physician's assistant lives in New York. He says he doesn't have time to cook and that ordering food is his only vice. She says, "My husband and I have about $20,000 in credit card debt from their wedding. It was worth it." But they basically agreed to put $1,000 each a month, so $2,000 total towards the $20,000 debt. They'd get it paid off in under a year. And she says, "I've put in about $5,000, and he's probably contributed about $2,000." So he's not holding up his end of the bargain. And she says, "He's probably spending between $200 and $400 a week on DoorDash, which was not part of the plan. To be fair, it's not hard to spend that much, 100%. We live in New York. We're ordering one meal, winds up close to $40 or $50 with delivery fees

• 17:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  and tips and everything. Doing that once or twice a day, whoa, really adds up. Okay." So anyway, she just says, "Every month, he comes up short on the debt payment. Says he's doing the best he can. She says, "I pointed this out to him. He gets defensive. He's busy. He's a paralegal to law firm, and he works hard. He says he doesn't have time to cook and that ordering food is his only vice." Which is true. "He doesn't even drink. I brown bag my lunch at work every day. When I've suggested that he try that, he's done it once or twice and then stopped. For dinner, I'm pretty happy making rice in our rice cooker with mixed vegetables and an egg or something, but I often wind up eating his leftovers too, so that all this food he's ordering doesn't go to waste. He does most of his ordering at work, and he often works until 8pm or so, so he'll order dinner and bring the rest home. I've told him that I'll wait until he gets home to cook dinner, but he says his schedule is too unpredictable. I'm not really sure what to do. I know that he

• 18:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  feels guilty. I don't want to be a nag. I love him. I'm optimistic it'll work out, yada, yada." There is so much happening here, and the comments were lit up about this. Multiple parts about it. Her rice cooker for one, because he doesn't want to eat that.

• 18:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Let's reframe this nag thing for you just right away. When you are married to somebody, and you have both made a financial decision to spend money, and every financial decision that your partner makes now affects you, you are not being a quote-unquote nag. You have every right in the world to communicate with your partner about this. So let's, I don't care if he calls you a nag every day. You have every right to question your partner's spending habits. That's crazy.

• 18:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. Like, if you guys have agreed to pay off your shared debt, and he is spending $200 to $400...

• 18:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  A week on DoorDash. That's infuriating. Like, there's a couple of things. Someone was like, if he works till eight, his company should be paying for his dinner. But let's just say that doesn't. He can also walk down the street. I mean, you live in New York.

• 19:09Rayna Greenberg?

  You actually live in New York?

• 19:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Don't have to pay the delivery fees. There's just other options. Like, I also get the like, this comes up a few times, the article, it being like a vice. And vice doesn't always have to be the word. It can just be something that brings you joy. You know, you work all day. You're like, I don't want to eat rice with an egg. And I understand that. You know, I want to order, I want a hit of something. Like, I'm unhappy at work and I'm stressed. This is how I want to bring some joy into my life. But you've got to navigate that within your relationship because the underlying theme here is the debt and him playing in her face, ordering a hundred dollars a week for food.

• 19:47Rayna Greenberg?

  I validate that, that like, we all deserve joy in life. And if you're like, I'm working till 8 p.m. every day. I need some, I'm not spending this on drugs or alcohol or gambling or T-shirts. I mean, there's plenty of people that spend $400 a week on new clothing. So

• 19:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yep.

• 19:59Rayna Greenberg?

  If she was also doing that, like, why is his habit not as valid as her habit? But it sounds like, number one, she's paying her debt and he's not.

• 20:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 20:08Rayna Greenberg?

  And there are alternatives to this. You actually don't need to spend $50 per meal. And I'm not saying you need to have a dollar slice for every single thing. But like, you could spend half of that at least to feed yourself every day and still eat really well. It's just, if you're not paying off your debt, then you don't have the money for this.

• 20:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Figure this out until the debt is paid off. It's like, I'm sorry, you guys had an agreement to pay off your wedding together.

• 20:33Rayna Greenberg?

  This makes me feel

• 20:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 20:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Crazy. And I want my partner to feel that they have autonomy to spend whatever money that they want and whatever things that they deem that their hard earned money should go to. But not when we have decided together to take on debt.

• 20:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know, I know.

• 20:46Rayna Greenberg?

  So I dated somebody I had lent him, we were younger, he really needed money. I lent him $5,000. That was an insurmountable amount of money to me back then.

• 20:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, totally.

• 20:54Rayna Greenberg?

  I was like 26, 27.

• 20:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 20:55Rayna Greenberg?

  That was the most money I could ever imagine giving to somebody. But he was my partner. We lived together. I was like, fine, I know where he lives. I'll get it back.

• 21:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 21:01Rayna Greenberg?

  And he was a bartender and he'd get off work late and he would take cabs home. And I was like, okay, in any other scenario, make sense. Like if you work really hard, you work really late, 1 o'clock in the morning, you should be allowed to take a cab, except when you owe me money and there's alternatives.

• 21:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 21:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Like this was also like a six foot two man. It's different if you're a woman, you're scared to take a subway home in the middle of the night, but you're not scared. You're a big man.

• 21:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. I mean, when you owe your partner money, you have agreed to pay this thing off together, you have to be responsible. This isn't just that like she doesn't like this habit of his. It is that he's on the hook for something they agreed to.

• 21:37Rayna Greenberg?

  I wonder what defense he has. These are not substantial defenses to me. Like, I work really hard. I need to eat. I don't have time to cook. Like that's still not a substantial defense for like, I need to overspend on this and I can't pay back this.

• 21:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I really don't understand the logistics. Something is like a little shady here. Like, you ordered it at work and you still got it delivered. You couldn't pick it up on the way home. Again, like, it's what 10, 20 bucks you might save by picking it up, but it shows your partner that you're not spending frivolously.

• 22:07Rayna Greenberg?

  20 bucks is a lot. I mean, if that's like $50 a meal versus $30.

• 22:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  A hundred a week or something? I mean, what's he spending on the delivery fees?

• 22:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. So what would you, what was the advice that you give her?

• 22:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh.

• 22:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. He's like, you're being annoying. I don't go out and drink. This is what I choose to spend money on.

• 22:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just think she needs to say, we might not be aligned on this. You know, I understand you want to treat yourself and I want to make rice with an egg on it. But I really want us to commit to paying off this debt together. And it just feels like you aren't taking it as seriously. And I have to be completely honest that when I see the hundreds of dollars a week on the food delivery, I feel a little disrespected because we have committed to paying this debt off together.

• 22:49Rayna Greenberg?

  That's a perfect answer. I love it.

• 22:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Thank you. Co-sign from Raina. Okay. So the next one, this, I think this is, this sounds like two women in a relationship. The woman writing in, she says her employer pays for her dinner if she works past 7pm, which she does almost every night. She's a management consultant. They live in Virginia. My partner, on the other hand, orders dinner pretty much every night. I come home, find her sitting on the couch, half empty Thai food containers on the coffee table, watching TV. It's so depressing. And so basically she just gets into like, she's got some body. Issues, but so do I. What woman doesn't? But ordering out every meal is not healthy. It's expensive. She's unhappy at work. So I think it becomes a sort of comfort thing for her, like a treat at the end of the day. I'm empathetic, but I also wish she'd help herself. I'm not sure how much she's spending on delivery every week, but it's gotta be a couple hundred dollars at least. We moved in together a year ago. Okay, so they're not married, they're not locked

• 23:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  in. So maybe she's always done this, but now she's just more comfortable. I brought up meal kit solutions, but then she says you're never home for dinner. So they're not gonna cook together. And it just, the whole thing's frustrating. I hope it's a funk that's temporary, but it seems indicative of something bigger. I don't wanna say she's lazy, but sometimes it feels like she's giving up. I mean, some of these are relationship problems and not food delivery problems.

• 23:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I mean, none of these are food delivery problems. Like, the first one is like, we just have mismatched ideals about like, what we wanna spend money on and what we value, like how we look at money. This is just like, it's hard to watch your partner kinda give up on life.

• 24:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, I don't know what's going on here. I think everyone goes through hard times and sometimes you're like, I'm in a slump and I'm unhappy at work and this is just how I'm living right now. And that's okay, and that's human. But at some point, if you are unhappy, you have to figure out how to dig yourself out. If you are happy doing that, you are with the wrong person. Like, some people want to get home and order takeout and watch TV every night. They are happy doing that. They have to find a person that's happy doing that, too. Because your partner is going to be turned off by it. The same way that you'd be turned off by someone getting up at 5:00 AM and eating a chicken breast and going to the gym and running a marathon. Like, you're not aligned in your lifestyle.

• 24:47Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, that might be their best life.

• 24:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 24:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, my dream is I make so much money that I don't ever have to cook or get takeout or prep anything in my life. I will get delivery every single day. That's some people's best life.

• 25:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, sorry. They also said they can't afford it. So this actually isn't about the money. I think it's more about the lifestyle and she's like, just looking at her differently when she comes home and she's on the couch. These couples, all of them, are not aligned in how they have dinner. And I think that's huge. And that is just personal to me. It's important to me. I know when Shashanka and I are both home for dinner, someone doesn't have plans with their friends or something. I know what we're doing. I also had dinner My family every single night, my mom, my dad, my brother and I, my mom or my dad cooked dinner every night. We had dinner as a family. It's important to me and it's important in my relationship. So these wouldn't work for me. I mean, I think there's times in your life where someone's got to work late, this and that. But like, I don't understand all these relationships have worked up till now.

• 25:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like Shajang and I do have dinner together.

• 25:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  But like, he works all day, like I would, we have dinner together.

• 25:52Rayna Greenberg?

  But it wasn't an option. So it doesn't sound like it's an option.

• 25:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is a problem. Like she's like, you're never home for dinner. Can you, can you get home a little earlier? Can we make Sunday brunch our thing? Like, what are they doing to combat this whole, like, we never eat dinner together thing? I don't know.

• 26:06Rayna Greenberg?

  But the first couple, I'm like, okay, so what's the alternative? We're just going to accrue all this interest and debt and like, that's how you want to live? Like, don't you want to set us up for some success in the future by like, not accruing all this debt? Like, that's how you want to live? You want to live like, under a mountain of stress?

• 26:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, that could also be a bigger problem, how that guy manages money. But I want them to work on it because they're married. But the second couple, they're not, and this may not be the, the right match.

• 26:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, she says it's like, suppressing to come home.

• 26:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and she's just.

• 26:34Rayna Greenberg?

  That wouldn't depress everybody. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think, I don't, some people would walk in the door and just be like, okay, my partner worked hard. I'm not saying she's wrong, but I wouldn't love it. I wouldn't love to know that I was outside of the house all day long, working hard. I came home, you did not order me dinner, you're just sitting here eating something bad for you. You're already depressed. Food that's bad for you only makes you, how do I want to phrase this? It seems like you're eating things that make you feel bad.

• 26:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Because you already feel bad. Yeah, and she's unhappy at work, which ruins your whole life.

• 27:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 27:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, if you were unhappy at work, truly hate your job, it's really can take over your life. I've watched, I watched a friend recently who just was in a job like that for years. And it really, I feel like changed who she was, and she recently left her job. She's a different person. And she's got other shit going on, and she still feels so much lighter and happier because she's out of that job. I was like, it was the job.

• 27:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Right, and that's why I think you've, you've framed this conversation. The second one is just like, you don't seem as happy as I'd like to see you. And like, let's talk, I mean, she might get the world's best job and be super happy. You're still going to come home every day, she's eating Thai food on the couch.

• 27:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  And that might

• 27:37Rayna Greenberg?

  That might depress you and

• 27:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  That might drop a person for you. Okay, so.

• 27:42Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, when I was like so sick a couple of weeks ago, I the amount of takeout I ordered and stuff that was bad. I ate Laven cookies every single day. I ate the Selica every day. I was like, I have nothing left.

• 27:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Oh, people wrote on the comments, you did it right. It said, starve a.

• 27:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Starve a cold.

• 27:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, feed a cold.

• 28:00Rayna Greenberg?

  I fed it.

• 28:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Feed a cold, starve a flu or something?

• 28:03Rayna Greenberg?

  I know what you're saying.

• 28:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  People said you were right.

• 28:05Rayna Greenberg?

  I've.

• 28:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  To binge while you were had that cold.

• 28:07Rayna Greenberg?

  What else? I had nothing else to live for.

• 28:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, this, this last one. Okay. She's 27, uh, works in marketing in San Francisco. Before my boyfriend and I met, he says he ordered in every single meal. He has literally never cooked a thing. At first, this was endearing. He's a very capable person overall. It was fun to order food together or go out, but now that we moved in together as of three months ago, it seems unsustainable. I've always cooked my own food. Part of it is cultural, but it's also financial. My parents are frugal. They're from India and I was raised to take care of myself. It seems so helpless to not be able to make your own dinner. So she likes to meal plan and go shopping on Sundays. She said, it's not my money, so I try not to care too much, but it's ridiculous when I'm over here meal prepping while he spends $100 on sushi.

• 28:46Rayna Greenberg?

  Is this every day? Did I miss that?

• 28:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, he does not cook for himself. She says, I'm pretty sure what I spend on a week's worth of groceries is less than what he spends on a food in a single day. It's okay for now, but what happens if we get married or have kids? I don't mind being the cook of the household because I do like it. But it's a little weird that he rarely wants to eat what I'm making. I've asked him if he doesn't like my cooking or if there's something else he prefer. He just says he likes to order what he's in the mood for, when he's in the mood for it. I don't think his family ate meals together a lot growing up, so maybe that's part of it too. I wonder how it affects his finances. He makes considerably more money than I do, so not in a position to tell him. He can't afford anything. But if he's spending $500 a week on food for years, I mean, you do the math. I'm not sure what he has in savings. He's getting a little bit better. I've convinced him to eat what I'm making two days a week, which is a start, but I hate being the dinner police. It seems like other couples don't have this type of conflict. Why does this have to be complicated?

• 29:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Shouldn't he want to eat delicious, home-cooked, affordable food instead of expensive crap?

• 29:34Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I'd have to know more about his finances. I'd have to know about the relationship. To me, like, I mean, you know, you and me, like, food is just the most important thing. Food adventures, having dinner together, like cooking together, like there, it's how I show love. It's the. Most important thing to me like is everything else in the relationship great? Does he make you feel valued and heard and understood and uplift you? And like, is the only thing that like you guys want to have different types of dinners? Like, maybe that's fine. Is he so rich that like $500 out of somebody's pocket a week? Might not be that much money for them. Everybody's different. It would be a lifestyle thing for me. It would just be disappointing. I want to, you do too, like sit around, cook together, talk about what we're gonna eat. I want to start talking in the morning about what we're gonna have for dinner. I want to plan like a special night, like what are we doing? That's fun.

• 30:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  There are so many different things here, like, yeah, he makes more money, but is he really wasteful? Like, is he always gonna make that much money? Is he gonna be spending two grand on delivery if he gets, takes a pay cut? Like, how does he look at money and spend money? Totally different conversation. Them, they made me sad and I, I don't know, like, she's Indian, she wants to cook, her family eats together. Like, it's just, he doesn't want to do it. I mean, she, it sounds like she's convinced him to do it two days a week, but she feels like she's forced him into it. Like, maybe you guys are making progress and maybe it's just been some shifts that he wasn't brought up this certain type of way and he's gonna come around and in which case, like, I root for them. But if not, this might not be your person. Like, if it means a lot to you to cook and have your partner enjoy it, you want to find a partner that enjoys it.

• 31:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Is he offering to order food for her? Is it like, babe, I got this, I'm so rich, like, I will, I'll take care of the sushi tonight? Like, it's not how I want to live. My body doesn't feel good when I ever take out every day, but like,

• 31:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 31:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Also, people that can't cook, I just, how did it happen?

• 31:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, I made that note too. I mean, they're in their twenties.

• 31:22Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 31:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  But if someone says something like that,

• 31:26Rayna Greenberg?

  I can't cook.

• 31:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've never cooked a meal for myself in my life. I, I would want to know what else they're incapable of doing. Like, can they clean their room? Like, can they, can they manage a checkbook? How old am I? Do, do they understand how to, how to handle their family? I can't even manage a checkbook. I'm saying like, are they self-sufficient in other areas? Because cooking, it's not for everybody. I mean, we know, men that don't cook, we know women that don't cook. It's not even gender specific, like, but I've never cooked a meal for myself in my, my life. Like, you've never made a, made eggs or made a sandwich and like, okay, but are you doing other? Things like, are you admitting that your mom still picks up after you and buys you underwear? Like, I'm, I have more questions and I understand that she's, you're young and you can think that's endearing.

• 32:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're like, okay, well, I'm gonna come along and do this, but just make sure when someone admits that to you, they've never made themselves food, what else can't they do for themselves?

• 32:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm trying to understand like the full picture of this person. Like, outside of like, this is a trust fund kid that had staff in the home and does not know how to cook or clean. Like, truly, how did this happen? I don't understand, like, the, and yes, if you can't cook a meal for yourself, I'm pretty sure you can't do other stuff.

• 32:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  I couldn't, could never. It's such an ick to me. Like, I only want a guy that can cook and, or is excited trying to learn. Like, it's hot. I mean, just the men in my life cook. I mean, my dad, my brother, Rob, obviously, my husband, my exes were excited about it. I'd love a man in the kitchen, a man on the grill, a man in an apron, and nothing else.

• 32:57Rayna Greenberg?

  An apron?

• 32:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Just kidding.

• 32:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Is that what you guys do?

• 32:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Dick hanging out the bottom. Just kidding.

• 33:01Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I'm so curious, like, what this person's like, because I think about people that are so rich. They don't have to cook, but like, I don't know, they're so successful. They've like, got it in every other area. They'll just take care of it. I mean, how did this happen?

• 33:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's fascinating and I'd love to see what happens with this couple. They're in their twenties and they're not married. They can break up, it's no biggie.

• 33:25Rayna Greenberg?

  You know that I love that our advice always is like, if you don't have dinner together, then you should break up. There was another, right, we had like another email about this kind of recently.

• 33:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'll die on this hill. What are you doing?

• 33:34Rayna Greenberg?

  She said he didn't want to like, explore new kinds of food and we were like, break up.

• 33:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, she touched base.

• 33:40Rayna Greenberg?

  She said all other things were great. I think he just wanted like chicken fingers for every meal. He wasn't like adventurous.

• 33:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, she touched base. It's me, the woman with the anti-foodie, terrible cook boyfriend. Yeah, he wouldn't cook and he didn't want to go to dinner either. Oh, it was like, all the things, remember? He just like, wasn't into it. Yeah. He eats to live. Okay, well, while we're here, so she said, he is a wonderful partner in so many ways. He makes me laugh, he supports my career, he does most of the non-food chores, he makes me feel like a queen in bed. Since I first wrote in, I did try to be mature and talked about unhappy I was with our food situation, but we didn't really land on a solution. We've kind of settled into doing our own thing at dinner. I ordered a meal kit subscription, but he was skeptical about the cost. We'll see how it pans out. Honestly, I'm in a weird in-between phase of life, so it's not exactly the moment for big relationship moves, but I appreciate your, how your advice is always both hilarious and nuanced. Thank you again. And Ashley,

• 34:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't wait to watch your special. Okay, girl. No, okay. So, yeah, they're gonna break up too.

• 34:33Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, we're just like, if you don't want to do the same stuff food-wise, we think you should break up.

• 34:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Dinner. I mean, again, like, it's just one of those things of like, if whatever works for you, do it. If you like it, I love it. I want to be in a relationship where we have dinner. It's like, we talk about our day, we cook together, we order something. Also, if you were ordering takeout for every meal, like, how do you feel?

• 34:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I would feel so shitty.

• 34:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's just, this has nothing to do with, like, shaming or weight or anything. It's just how you feel. It's just what it is. I mean, I guess if you do order Sweet Green or Goop Kitchen every night, that's a different thing. But real restaurant food, it's just heavier, more salt, more butter, more oils, all the things. Like, with the way I feel when we order food versus make it, I mean, it's a world of difference. This is the coldest take, but we do cook always two nights, usually three nights a week, we cook, and sometimes more. If we're in town all seven nights, I would say we cook three to four nights, go out always at least once a week. We went out two nights this past week, Friday and Saturday night, and order takeout once or twice. Like, that's the breakdown. If we're

• 35:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  home, we cook three at least.

• 35:43Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, Ashley, I just, I need to be aligned with how you feel about food. And if you don't care about food, I need you to at least be excited for me to show you about food.

• 35:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 35:52Rayna Greenberg?

  It's what I do with all my free time and all my money. I want to travel to food. I want to drive to food destinations. Like, I want to cook. I just, people, they're just like, not for me. I'm like, well, you're not for me.

• 36:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I just think with all these things, I mean, there's Lifestyle, which a lot of these things are again indicative of the way they want to live their life and finances and how they think about money and spend money and save money. And that is all stuff you have to figure out before you marry someone. And that's what they're in the middle of doing. That's why they're writing into the cut with like, here's what I got going on.

• 36:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Clip it.

• 36:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 36:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 36:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, all right. Good luck to them. Well, just going to talk about our partners and then we will get into the topic.

• 36:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, so summer is coming up and if you're thinking like, I want to plan a trip, I don't know what my budget is and I want like a good tool for that. The one thing that I could totally suggest that you do is Rocket Money. So Rocket Money is truly like a one stop shop that'll help you budget. It'll also help you track your subscriptions and they have the ability to cancel unwanted ones within the app. So they've saved people over 880 million in canceled subscriptions. So that's just free money, you guys. Like the amount of stuff that I subscribe to, I don't even know I'm subscribing to. I downloaded this app, the interface is really easy to use and it just identified all these things I'm paying for right off the bat. It was like, you trying to cancel this? And I was like, I am trying to cancel this.

• 37:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  The budgeting is great, too.

• 37:13Rayna Greenberg?

  The budgeting is great. So you just build out like everything you pay for. So anything that you're, the car payments, insurance, rent, things like that. What do I make? And then it'll help you understand like, what can I spend? And then you can set goals. There's personalized insights. There's reports. You can get like real time alerts for large transactions. If there's upcoming bills, if you get refunds, you have low balances. I mean, if you're like, I want to get my money in order. I want to take this trip. I want to figure out what can I afford. This is the one stop shop to do all those things. There's automated savings as well. So if you want to like adjust the amount, you want to set up frequency, kind of set it and forget it. And that is always like one of the number one tips from financial advisors on our show is just automate it and forget about it. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending

• 37:57Rayna Greenberg?

  and helps lower your bills. You can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/gge. That's rocketmoney.com/gge or rocketmoney.com/gge.

• 38:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. And I am telling you guys about Helix. I think my Helix mattress is one of the things I love most in this world.

• 38:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I miss the most.

• 38:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't even believe how comfortable it is. Like, we sleep on so many beds, nice five-star hotel beds. Like, it just, it doesn't matter. Coming home to my Helix, I'm just like, I feel so lucky. Like, I just feel like I am blessed and anyone can have this. Like, I really just think this is the thing you need to treat yourself with.

• 38:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Every person that stays in my house is like, what is that?

• 38:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  People have told me, what's going on at Rena's house?

• 38:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, because you don't let people stay at your house because you got a get out of jail free card because of a husband. But we love the mattress toppers and the pillows. I mean, get everything.

• 38:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, like, people have asked me, like, Rena just doesn't know what she's got going on. You don't mattress she has. Someone brought me up to your guest room to identify the Helix mattress because you didn't know what it was, whatever. No, but I've had guests and I sleep on the Midnight Luxe, which is the absolute best, in my opinion, best mattress for sex. It was awarded. They won some award a couple of years ago. And then I have the Moonlight Luxe in my guest bedroom. Rena has, I think, both of those as well. The Dusk Luxe is really great too. But you're just going to get online and take the quiz so you know which mattress model is going to be the best mattress for you. They have over 20 mattress models, standard, they have lux and elite. Again, I have the Midnight Luxe. And we all sleep differently. I mean, we sleep on our back, our sides, we roll around.

• 39:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Some of us run hot. I personally do. They just have something that's going to help you address all of those concerns. They have plus-size mattresses. My brother and my sister-in-law have that. And they're just incredible. They're award-winning, most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. 120-night sleep trial, limited lifetime warranty, the Happy with Helix guarantee. And a study they ran found that 82% of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress. We really can confirm it's truly the best. So, check it out, you guys, and see the mattress. It's going to be the best for you. Get the best sleep of your life and just feel really, honestly, just feel really blessed and really lucky when you're sleeping on those mattresses.

• 40:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, you can go to helixsleep.com/gge for 27% off site-wide. That's helixsleep.com/gge for 27% off site-wide. helixsleep.com/gge, 27, easy to remember. That's our ages.

• 40:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, yeah. I was like, wait, what? It's May, the temperature is finally above 40 degrees. You guys, congratulations, we made it, but it is patio season, which means heavy drinking season, which means you want to find a way to manage your alcohol intake. So may I recommend Zbiotics to you guys. So Zbiotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works. When you drink alcohol, it gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a buildup of this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for the rough days after drinking. Pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. Just remember to take pre-alcohol before your first drink of the night. Drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow.

• 41:10Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I can't recommend it enough. I refuse to have a bad day and I want to enjoy my time, go out, have a drink or two with friends, but I want to be like clear as day the next day. Let's be real, usually a Friday night out means a Saturday morning spent cancelling my workout plans or, you know, whatever plans I have. But since I started incorporating pre-alcohol, my glass of wine doesn't disrupt my morning flow. Remember to head to zbiotics.com/gge to use the code GGE at checkout for 15% off.

• 41:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so this topic comes to you today from an email we got that really coincided with an article that dropped around the same time in Surprise, Surprise, The Cut. Everything we do is like based on an article.

• 41:53Rayna Greenberg?

  So I said to like our publicist, I was like, all I want is a mention of my show in The Cut. Like, that's my North Star. I just, you know, at the back of the magazine, it says like things to do. And there's hundreds of things in there. I was like, please do Reina Greenberg. Honestly, I'd take it.

• 42:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, 100%.

• 42:09Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I love The Cut so much.

• 42:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, this is your plug for The Cut, your weekly plug for The Cut. So we received an email that was subject line, happily married but still fantasize about others. Is that fucked up? And we'll get to that. But The Cut's article was titled, The Secret to a Great Marriage Crushes on Other People. And this isn't like they're the first media outlet to talk about this. I think this is like a discussion a lot of people have and like what constitutes a crush and...

• 42:36Rayna Greenberg?

  What constitutes harmless and not harmless?

• 42:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and like, we don't... Get into a relationship or get married and stop looking at other people. I mean, some people might, but we just want to discuss this and we put up polls for you guys on Instagram and over 20,000 people participated in this. So, great data here.

• 42:56Rayna Greenberg?

  And I think that everybody really has feelings about this, about their own behavior and their partner's behavior and has this has happened. I mean, I think we get into a relationship, as you say, you don't lose your eyes and your ears.

• 43:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I still have eyes. I still have a pussy.

• 43:09Rayna Greenberg?

  And you don't lose your desire to still feel desirable to other people. And I think that your partner can be everything in the world to you and you can be super in love and happy and you still want some people to take notice some of the time. And you're like, I trust myself to not let this go any further, but it's nice to feel desired by other people.

• 43:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, there's feeling desired by other people and there's like you desiring other people. I mean, what's, what do you define as a crush? And as we go into this, we understand people don't have monogamous relationships. Let's just get ahead of it. People are like, wow, you can, you know, like this is for people, monogamous relationships. I mean, people have crushes and they act on them within an open or a non-monogamous relationship. So I think obviously that goes without saying.

• 43:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I think this is most people. I mean, I was saying to you, I, I used to do these things. I wish I did them more of like confess your sins to me, confess your secrets to me. And I mean, 50% of them were like, I had a dream about somebody at my work. I can't stop thinking about somebody at my work or my boss. It's always somebody at work. But like, it's so common. I mean, what the difference, your desires and your actions are different things and we're not animals and you should be able to stop yourself.

• 44:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, what, what are your desires and where are they coming from and how deep do they run? And, you know, fantasizing about someone in what way? And we'll break down all of this. I mean, I don't know if it's, if I would say it's like a sensitive topic to me. Like I don't, I mean, Shashank and I are obsessed with each other. I would die if I thought he had actual feelings for someone else and vice versa. Like it, like my heart hurts even thinking about it. Like if I actually thought he was flirting and having a connection with someone at work, I would lose my mind. I mean, I'll say that. And I will also say, I'm not certainly not fantasizing about anyone else, or there's nothing missing in my relationship. I love him. I only have eyes for him. We have been

• 45:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  together three years. We've been married under one year. So there is that, you know, someone might hear me talk like this and be like, wait 10 years, you know, and I hope we still feel like this, obviously in 10 years and 20 years. So I just want to say that.

• 45:13Rayna Greenberg?

  I do think that there's a lot of people that like have kids and they stop seeing each other romantically. There's a lot of couples that just become roommates. And I mean, how often do you hear somebody say like, I wandered outside of my relationship because like, no one's, my partner doesn't see me. They don't desire me. They treat me like their maid, or their therapist, or their mom, their friend, but like certainly not their romantic partner. And I think that's the dream is forever. You always feel like that. But I think for so many people, that is the story of like, I don't know, I get home and we watch TV and we go to sleep and I don't feel desired by this person.

• 45:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. And have you talked about that with them? Like, have you communicated that with them? I mean, today's not really a cheating episode, but you can't talk about this without it coming up. But if you have expressed these things to your partner and over and over, and you've tried, and you've worked on it, and nothing changes, it makes sense why you're looking for it somewhere else.

• 46:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I mean, listen, we're only human. And I think we all want to feel good about them ourselves. And like, somebody else is proud of us and finds us attractive and feels that we're exciting. And I think so many people, especially when they have kids, like your partner just sees you as a mom. And you're like, hey, I'm still a person here. I still want to feel like you see me as like a fuck doll, too.

• 46:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  100% the fuck doll. Yeah. And we, you mentioned like, the people at work. And I just want to get ahead of this. We did a whole episode on the work wife. I looked this up to cite it. It was in April 14, 2024, titled, Should You Worry About The Work Wife And Other Platonic Friends? And this shit is so real. And so we're not really even talking about that today. Like, someone that you really have that like, connection or relationship with, like, which we, we don't, we don't like it. And we've made that clear on that episode, and you guys can listen back.

• 46:58Rayna Greenberg?

  So we will get into the polls.

• 47:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  And everything that you guys said, but you know, one of the biggest questions was where's the line? And overwhelmingly, people said it's somebody you don't have a connection with. It's somebody that is a huge celebrity. It's maybe a waitress at a restaurant you go once to, or barista you kind of flirt with, somebody at the grocery store. Like, the line is like, are we moving this relationship forward? Are we talking? Are you doing something you can't admit to your partner? Are you taking this offline? Are you texting? Are you like-

• 47:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Rainie, you're getting ahead of it.

• 47:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Just, I would have referenced it in one something's article really quick. I will also say that I was my husband's celeb crush and he didn't marry me.

• 47:34Rayna Greenberg?

  I knew this was gonna come up, so you should be scared of celebrities too.

• 47:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm not a celebrity.

• 47:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Matt Damon, didn't he marry his waitress? He didn't cheat on his wife with his waitress or anything like that. But, yeah, I mean, a lot of people were like, I mean, I think, to your point, work wife, that is when it's not harmless. It doesn't feel harmless. It feels that it's crossed a line.

• 47:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, so I, that's why I want to kind of start the article. I'm not going to read it all word for word, but the, the author, EJ Dixon, so she says, "At my last job, I had a crush on a coworker named Phil," his name has been changed, yada, yada, she talks about Phil, "I did not and do not know Phil well. By the time we stopped working together, we'd maybe exchanged 40 words in total, the vast majority which were about Steely Dan. But my husband, to whom I have been married to almost 10 years, heard about him every once in a while. Occasionally, when I got home from work, he'd ask if my office crush was in that day. Once I was putting some lip tint on and mascara before a Zoom meeting, and he asked if it was because Phil was on the call."

• 48:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, she says, "My husband and I are happily monogamous. We have children. He harbors his own little crushes too." And she says, "The whole point of having a crush is that it causes a little frisson of nervous energy, one that tends to dissipate when you're in a long-term relationship. A crush while you're married is like a sweet little snack that gets you through the 4pm slump. My friend Kara, 35, told me. Her friend's been married four years. She is, she has a crush on a New York Times critic whom she's met a few times through friends. It's harmless and invigorating. It reminds you you're alive and kicking and yearning and thinking. Her husband doesn't mind. As is the case in my relationship, it serves as fodder for a couple inside jokes." So, the article then goes on to talk about extramarital crushes that also can rejuvenate your sex life and maybe a little deeper. Where you're talking about it during sex and some people are super into that and that's

• 49:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  fine too, but she's mainly just talking about this crush on this work guy that I I really hung on to. They've exchanged 40 words. Like they are not, they don't have a relationship. They are not messaging. They're not texting. They don't have each other's phone numbers. They're not messaging on Instagram. I feel like, and that is actually harmless. And I was thinking about myself, like if I have a crush and I

• 49:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Your barista.

• 49:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, you do. No, the barista from like a couple, a year or so ago.

• 49:42Rayna Greenberg?

  He has a crush on you.

• 49:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  He had a crush on me. And did we ever talk about this?

• 49:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, we did on the show.

• 49:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  He was flirting with me and my, I was, Shashank was on the phone.

• 49:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 49:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I didn't have a crush on him. My crush is the farmer's market guy, the pasta guy.

• 49:55Rayna Greenberg?

  He's hot.

• 49:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's so hot.

• 49:58Rayna Greenberg?

  That guy is too hot to be at a farmer's market.

• 50:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  So like, it's funny because I don't even know his name and Shashank will joke about it. He's like, oh, you're not wearing your ring today because you're going to, the pasta guy is going to be there. Like, we see him, Shashank rolls his eyes. He, Shashank goes and gets our coffee. We get to the farmer's market every Saturday. He overhears me giggling. Like, it's funny. I don't get excited to see him. I don't even think about him until he's right in front of me. I don't dress differently. I don't need to defend this. But I'm just, that's the harmless, like, I can be a little flirty and smiley with this beautiful man selling pasta and he's not messaging me, asking me how I like the pasta. Then we've crossed a line and Shashank can laugh about it.

• 50:42Rayna Greenberg?

  I was thinking about like, you and I've toured for a decade and we've worked with hundreds of vendors between like dancers and cryo people and videographers, photographers, venue managers, the security, who I did fuck, but I had a date for years. But like, that's the kind of person I think like you meet at work that's like harmless. And there's so many people we meet. They're like good looking men and I might like, hee hee hee, but like, I'm never going to talk to them again. I know that I can be trusted when in a relationship to not like move that forward. And I had this like experience, this guy at a, years ago, I met him at a comedy club. He was also a comedian and we had like a fun night together. We flirted and I went home and he then mentioned while we were talking that he had a girlfriend. And I was like, that's the end of that. There will be no, and he DM'd me at midnight, something that we had like been talking about. And I was like,

• 51:26Rayna Greenberg?

  you crossed the line. You crossed, if that was my man, I wouldn't like this shit.

• 51:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Wait, yeah, there was a venue guy that messaged me. Remember that?

• 51:33Rayna Greenberg?

  I was single. He wasn't.

• 51:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Multiple people does.

• 51:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, the guy in New Orleans, the guy in New Orleans, we were both single.

• 51:41Rayna Greenberg?

  You want to date with him?

• 51:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  We went out with the, oh, he was showing me those pictures of him in drag and like, I don't know, it wasn't hitting because you know, I am attracted to drag queens, but it didn't work for him. I just was like, I don't know. You're wearing like Spanx and like high heels and that's fine. It just didn't hit the same. He couldn't pull it off. But no, there was another menu guy that like, was messaging me and it was flirty and he had a wife and I just was like, felt uncomfortable.

• 52:04Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that like, if you're doing something that you wouldn't tell your wife about, which is DMing me off like, out of office hours.

• 52:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I mean, I don't know if I'd call myself a flirt. I think I'm friendly. I laugh a lot. My mom is a natural flirt. We've talked about this. I mean, just at dinner, like she's a flirty. Like my dad just used to.

• 52:28Rayna Greenberg?

  What, Ashley?

• 52:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  She used to sit there and roll his eyes. We'd be at dinner and my mom, I would, she'd stick her chest out. She points to something on the menu. She's so flirty. Like I remember, I remember she had a guy friend, like that was a teacher at her school and just it was flirty with him. Like she's just flirty. And my dad is not flirty and I love that about my husband as well. Shashank's not a flirty guy.

• 52:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Your dad flirts with me.

• 52:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  He only flirts, he only has eyes for Rayna. Like Shashank is straight faced, black head energy.

• 53:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, we always say about Shashank, he would be insulted if someone thought it was an opportunity.

• 53:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  If someone knew that we were married and they had the audacity to flirt with him, he would probably insult them. He would be so deeply offended on behalf of our marriage. Like guys can be flirty and it's harmless, but like there's, there's a difference here and we'll talk about the difference today between men and women.

• 53:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I trust me. I don't trust you.

• 53:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, I think that the intention matters for sure. Like typically women cheat because they are missing something in their relationship and men cheat because they can. And I even looked this up. I just did a little overview of the research that indicates that while both men and women often cheat due to underlying. Relationship dissatisfaction, their primary motivations frequently differ. Men tend to report cheating for physical gratification, sexual novelty, or opportunity, literally just because they can.

• 53:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Just because they can.

• 53:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Whereas women are more likely to cite emotional dissatisfaction, neglect, or a desire to fill an emotional void as the reason for cheating. And, you know, even men with a crush can hit different. Like, there's a few comments under the article that stuck out to me. And this one woman said, "As I read this, I kept thinking, ah, yes, this is the kind of harmless crushes my married female friends have. That's not the kind of crushes my married male friends have. The article lays out the conditions under which a crush can be harmless and even positive for a relationship. I'm just not so sure that both parties are equally capable of having crushes under those conditions." And there was a response to that comment that said, "Having unfortunately been the target of several married men's harmless crushes over the years, I can confirm that you're right. It feels like leering and ogling and just a gross vibe,

• 54:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  and it's incredibly creepy and uncomfortable. It also happened to me at work, which had a huge negative impact on my mental health and affected my job because he was an older man in a more senior role." I mean, this is not all men. Of course, men can have a harmless crush, but it does hit different. Like, I don't think men who have women at work, who have a little crush on them, ever feel threatened.

• 55:00Rayna Greenberg?

  It's creepy, and like, I don't think men, like, keep it in the box. I think that women are like, "He's cutie." Like, men do, like, not all men, but it just hits different. It just does. I'm sorry.

• 55:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 55:12Rayna Greenberg?

  It just does.

• 55:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, yeah, I'm trying to think of situations in my own marriage that, like, I think it would be some, somebody who's so unattainable in some way or another, that like, of course, I don't mind if Shashank thinks she's pretty, or if it's like, someone, he deals with a lot of people at work, like, some older lady who comes in and flirts with him. He tells me about that, obviously, and I'm not bothered by it. And I think he gets hit on a lot.

• 55:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Also, the thing about him that's interesting, I saw this TikTok randomly come across my desk, and it said, like, "Beware of men that don't like themselves." Because, like, any way to fill that void, to feel, yes, to feel validated, like, I guess that's all people, but I, I think that traditionally, men and women have different responses to self-hatred. And I don't know a lot of girlfriends. It's just personal experience. I don't have girlfriends that experience self-hatred and insecurity that fuck their way out of it with other people outside of their relationship.

• 56:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 56:06Rayna Greenberg?

  But I do see that with a lot of men in my life that I know and have known and don't even know.

• 56:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's so true.

• 56:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, it doesn't feel like a female characteristic.

• 56:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm. I mean, yeah, and there's exceptions to every rule, but you're totally right. I mean, a lot of men truly cheat because of, out of insecurity.

• 56:23Rayna Greenberg?

  I asked that, like, I lived with my first boyfriend, I was so young, but he just cheated on me with everybody, just for fun.

• 56:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:28Rayna Greenberg?

  He hated himself.

• 56:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Opportunity.

• 56:29Rayna Greenberg?

  It was just fun. Yeah, they were around.

• 56:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  They were there.

• 56:31Rayna Greenberg?

  He was a restaurant manager. He just fucked his staff.

• 56:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 56:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Fucked my friends, fucked the guests.

• 56:36Rayna Greenberg?

  So I think, like, one of the primary themes of this article is, like, could this help your relationship? And I think most people's primary feeling is, like, how far is too far? Where's the line? When does it stop being harmless?

• 56:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, I was interested in the comments. There's not too, too many. But some people don't, don't like this, of course. And some people feel like a crush, there's always something deeper. And then some people were like, this sounds like a very healthy marriage and there's no lines being crossed. And she's just getting a little excited every once in a while in this long-term relationship about someone else.

• 57:08Rayna Greenberg?

  And it doesn't sound like it bothers her husband. Like, it sounds, I mean, I haven't interviewed him as well, but it sounds like this is pretty normal, fine. They're both in on it.

• 57:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:17Rayna Greenberg?

  They're like, they're respecting each other's boundaries.

• 57:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Not everybody would like this. Some people would be like, why are you telling me about this? I don't need to hear this.

• 57:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. It's interesting, though, because, like, we do still find people attractive. I, most of us in relationships, I guess, some people get married and turn it off. But I don't think that's what the average person does. And it's sometimes funny because I know I have a good relationship and a friendship with Shoshawn. Because sometimes I almost tell him, like, is that guy hot? Like, I'll, I'll, I'll start to say something. I'm like, oh, my God, he's my hus- he's not my, just my girlie. He's not my, like, friend. You know, you almost want to tell him, like, look at that guy. And you're like, he's like, could you not? Look at me.

• 57:56Rayna Greenberg?

  So true. So, based on, again, 20,000 responses, have you ever had a crush while in a committed relationship? 73% of people said yes.

• 58:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:05Rayna Greenberg?

  So this seems like this is, this is healthy and normal. It happens to a lot of people. But, and then we said, do you think that having a crush on someone else is normal in a long-term relationship? So, totally normal, 24% of people. Sometimes it depends, 56%. So, the majority of people. And no, it means- Something's wrong is 21% of people. I guess it could mean a number of things. It could mean something is wrong. It could just mean that you're a person with eyes and ears and I find other people attractive sometimes.

• 58:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Those percentages are interesting because we have this like 20 ish percent of people who said they have never had a crush while in a committed relationship and that it is not normal. And then the other people are 73% who have had a crush while in a committed relationship. 56% of them say sometimes it depends if it's normal and some people said totally normal. So I mean, that kind of fits. Like people are like, yeah, I have and yeah, this is normal. So if your partner had a crush, would you want to know? 19% of respondents said yes, full transparency. 45% the majority said it depends on the situation and 36% said no, I'd rather not know. And again, this is not your partner coming home and telling you they have a crush on someone at work.

• 59:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Again, like I just think the farmer's market example is what I picture of like Shashank notices this Hawkeye is at the farmer's market every other week and I've talked to him and it's so obvious that any woman would be like, oh, you know, like I think of some men that are just so attractive, so big, whatever it is, a Harry Jowsey, a Tyler Cameron. Like I was in a relationship both times we interviewed them and I was like, I can't, am I flirting? I don't know. Like when Harry

• 59:44Rayna Greenberg?

  They're so flirty.

• 59:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like when Harry like touched my leg, I'm like, is this allowed? Like sometimes it's just you can't help yourself. Like I think there's some

• 59:51Rayna Greenberg?

  I can't help myself with them.

• 59:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Kendall Jenner like walked in the room, Shashank would like his jaw would drop.

• 59:57Rayna Greenberg?

  I think it's like, is this a person you engage with every day or not? Like that's the line for me. That's the line for most people. Like, is this somebody you see at the farmer's market or the coffee shop? If the person checks you out at Arowan, fine. Also like if this is somebody that you see every day, why are you telling me about this?

• 1:00:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, that's the thing. Like, once your partner tells you about somebody, that's no more harmless crush. Like

• 1:00:16Rayna Greenberg?

  You're leaving your job.

• 1:00:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  For me. You're dropping a hint.

• 1:00:20Rayna Greenberg?

  I just have to wonder what the motivation is. If this is somebody you, you have access to, that you engage with on a daily basis, that you are having interactions that like maybe on the surface look normal, but like I wouldn't be comfortable. With like, what, why are you telling me about?

• 1:00:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. So then we asked, what do you think a crush usually signals? And 22% of people said, missing something in your relationship. 52% said, just human nature. 18% said boredom or routine. And 8% said, nothing. It's random. And I like this. I mean, all of this research really lines up. Like 20% of people don't align with any of this. And the rest are like, it's normal and fine.

• 1:00:58Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know that it always signals there's something. I've had crushes on people when I was in good relationships and bad relationships. They were for different reasons. So I've sought out the attention of other men. When I was flailing in my relationship for a reason. And there's been other times where nothing was wrong in my relationship. Something just caught my eye. It was sparkly.

• 1:01:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm hmm. But right, the boredom and the routine. Would you be okay with your partner having a work crush? 6% say yes. 58% say, no way. And 36% say, as long as it's light. And that's, I don't know, it depends on how people interpreted that. Cause again, when we get into this like coworker, work wife. You have a relationship with this person and you have a crush on them. That's deeper and it's not harmless anymore.

• 1:01:38Rayna Greenberg?

  What's going on with the 6%? A work crush? You're good with it?

• 1:01:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  But again, people are just in different types of relationships. I mean, there's people who are in non-monogamous relationships and in open relationships. And so people just view monogamy differently. Does outside attention, crush energy, help keep a relationship feeling alive? 15% say, yes, it's a confidence boost. 69% said, no, that's a slippery slope. This is interesting. This took a turn.

• 1:02:02Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm gonna talk to you about this.

• 1:02:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then 16% say, no, it actually hurts relationships.

• 1:02:08Rayna Greenberg?

  The disparity is interesting to me because you, 73% of people saying, yeah, I've had a crush all time in my relationship. And a lot of people being like, it doesn't really matter. It's no big deal. It's just human nature. But 69% of people being like, I wouldn't like it if it was them. So we talked about this with Esther Perel on our show. And I was trying to remember what it was called. And it's called the actor observer bias. And so this is the way that you view the things that you do and the things that other people do. And it's typically applied to insidious behavior, like cheating.

• 1:02:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 1:02:31Rayna Greenberg?

  And basically, when you do a thing, you observe it based on circumstances and context. When you see somebody else do a thing, you observe it based on their character. So when somebody else cheats. They're a bad person.

• 1:02:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 1:02:43Rayna Greenberg?

  It is black and white. When you cheat or you do something, you look at it as like, "Well, I wasn't getting the type of love I wanted in my relationship. I'm not being validated." You don't, you look at it as a character flaw in somebody else. You look at it very contextually through what you do. So you have like a real bias in a situation.

• 1:02:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:58Rayna Greenberg?

  I was unhappy. It was complicated. There were reasons. And somebody else does it. They're selfish. They have no impulse control. And it's a fundamental attribution error, meaning the more general the, the version, our tendency to over emphasize personality and under emphasize circumstances. So for me, it was circumstances. For you, it was your personality. And I think that so many people are like, "Yeah, when I did it, it was fine." When you do it, it's not fine.

• 1:03:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  I, yeah.

• 1:03:22Rayna Greenberg?

  But it goes back to the conversation to me of like, "Well, I know that I can control myself." And I don't know necessarily if you can control yourself.

• 1:03:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, totally. And again, it's not fair to act like that in your relationship. You should give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Liz Moody talks about best intentions, like think your partner is the-

• 1:03:41Rayna Greenberg?

  You want to see the best, yeah.

• 1:03:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Think your partner has the best intentions as opposed to the worst. If you, I'm getting this all wrong. Sorry, Liz. But healthy relationships, you want to think your partner has the best intentions, essentially. And I do think part of being a good partner, friend, family member is always putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So you should think, "Well, I can have a little crush and so my partner can too." And that's like quite the opposite of what you said that a lot of people do.

• 1:04:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think that that's normal. I think it's normal to give yourself more grace than anybody else. You know, I think it's normal to be like, "Oh, I'm in my head and I understand why I did this." But like when you do it bad.

• 1:04:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 1:04:19Rayna Greenberg?

  And I do think we're all human and this happens. And if it happens for me, why wouldn't it happen for other people? I mean, to the initial article's point, like it does just kind of make it a little more fun to go to work. You just like get a little more dressed up than you would. But like, I'm saying that as somebody not in a relationship currently and somebody who's felt like that. But like, I have fucked my coworkers a lot.

• 1:04:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  See?

• 1:04:42Rayna Greenberg?

  And-

• 1:04:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  No one should give you the benefit of the doubt.

• 1:04:44Rayna Greenberg?

  I do. How tall were they? I guess it just depends on like where you're at in your own relationship. I do think it can like add to the thrill of going to work and doing your, or going to a coffee shop. Or like when I go to everyone and that guy's there checking me out, I'm so excited.

• 1:04:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't like the, the work.

• 1:05:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Works just feels different.

• 1:05:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  It does feel different. And are you working with them side by side? Or I don't know, like I, I keep thinking of Phil, 40 words exchanged between the two of them. He might be with a different department, like whatever they had going on, like that's the goal. Or literally the barista, like that's the type of, of energy I want, or someone you'll never meet in real life.

• 1:05:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Barista came up so much. When we asked people, well, define a harmless, barista came up over and over. Celebrities, but Shashank did marry, his celebrity crush, liking somebody's stuff on social media, somebody really from afar. I mean, you just have, people feel like you can't have proximity to the person.

• 1:05:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. So this is, did you say, this is what we asked? How do you define a harmless crush?

• 1:05:40Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 1:05:40Rayna Greenberg?

  I think.

• 1:05:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Who knows what happens.

• 1:05:41Rayna Greenberg?

  She's all over the place.

• 1:05:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's a little late in the day for Raina. Raina's sundowning.

• 1:05:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  She's climbing the walls. Yeah. So how do you define harmless crush? Like no action taken whatsoever. Yes.

• 1:05:55Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. I don't, you don't need to be engaging with that person on social media, liking their Instagram stories. Any communication you can't share in front of my face. I don't like it.

• 1:06:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  So Raina got ahead of herself, but anyway, the next question is, when does a harmless crush cross the line? We love these answers as always, we just love when you guys weigh in on this stuff. And the top answer came up a lot was as soon as you're doing something you need to hide or you can't share. Where, and someone also wrote, anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner.

• 1:06:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, that's my line.

• 1:06:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  When I talk to the farmer's market guy, Shashank is 10 feet away. He can hear me giggling. He can hear me cha-ching, spending more money when that guy's there. I always get two passes and two sauces when he's running the table.

• 1:06:38Rayna Greenberg?

  They don't send that guy to the Brentwood farmer's market. He is at the Venice one.

• 1:06:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's at ours, like, I mean, I said every other week, but honestly, it's like once a month, best week of the month.

• 1:06:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, more on the when does a harmless crush cross the line? You have private interactions you enjoy a little too much when you're communicating every day, opening up emotionally, someone you see on a daily basis. I mean, I don't know. You might go to the coffee shop every day. Confiding in someone, yeah, you have a relationship now.

• 1:07:06Rayna Greenberg?

  You utter one word about our relationship to somebody else.

• 1:07:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, this is, now we're getting into emotional cheating territory, potentially.

• 1:07:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I had a very casual sexual relationship with somebody recently. He told me he told one of his girlfriends about something that went on between us. I was like, come again? You're talking about, like, you're confiding in somebody else? I don't like this. Don't talk to her, talk to me.

• 1:07:32Rayna Greenberg?

  You're having sex with me, you don't need to talk to other women. You talk to me. Is she your therapist?

• 1:07:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  No. I feel like, I don't know what happened. You were so eloquent, like, five minutes ago, doing that whole Esther Pearl thing. I was like, wow, this is

• 1:07:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, I wrote that down.

• 1:07:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Beautiful. And now you're making no sense. You're like, I was casually fucking someone and the audacity of him to talk to other women.

• 1:07:54Rayna Greenberg?

  About me. About a fight that we had.

• 1:07:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 1:07:58Rayna Greenberg?

  He was like, I asked a female friend of mine about this situation. I was like, don't talk to other girls. You need to talk to Ashley, that's it.

• 1:08:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's so true. Ashley, about me. The second you start interacting privately, texts, social, one-on-one, this is the answer. I'm just so glad, I mean, our audience is brilliant, obviously, like, they nailed this. That's what it is. That's how you know. That's the line.

• 1:08:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Every time I talk to a guy and I get a DM from him later, I'm like, gotcha. We will let this go as far as I will let this go.

• 1:08:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, liking stories, exchanging contact information, texting at odd hours. Someone is trying to get to know you better. Crushes should be at a distance. I love that. Yes, if that farmer's market guy slid into the DMs, oh, glad you like the pasta. Get out of here. You know I'm married and now I can't have a crush on you anymore.

• 1:08:44Rayna Greenberg?

  He probably has your shop pay information. If you use your

• 1:08:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's gonna show up at the house. He's like, I heard the podcast and obviously we're meant to be together. Anything outside of something that just lives in your head.

• 1:08:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  So funny. Crushes are just supposed to live in your head.

• 1:08:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Exactly.

• 1:09:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then engaging in any way. I mean, again, this is the line. Harmless crushes are just pure fantasy.

• 1:09:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Forty words or less.

• 1:09:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Forty words or less. Okay, so let's read this email. This is a little different. And I'm curious what you think about this. So again, the subject line was happily married, but I still fantasize about others. Is that fucked up? She says, hi, I'm happily married and have been for five plus years, together for 10. Okay, long-term relationship. My husband is an incredible man who I feel lucky to be married to. We have a beautiful, supportive relationship and I'm still very attracted to him. We have a decent sex life, working on having sex more frequently, but love it every time. This is great. No kids yet. However, I've had a few. All good stuff. No notes so far. However, I've had a few crushes on various people over the years. I've never cheated as I want to stay married to my husband and love him too much to hurt him in that way. And all of my crushes have been innocent while the other person probably not even knowing, but occasionally I'll end up fantasizing about them to get off.

• 1:09:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  And my most recent crush has me wanting to pick up extra shifts at work and plan group gatherings just to see him more. We get along greatest friends and are both respectful of boundaries and have never crossed the line, but I think in another life I would date him, which makes being friends feel possibly inappropriate. Also, should he start to cross boundaries? I'm not sure I'd be strong enough in the moment not to at least kiss him, though I don't think I'd let it go any further than that, sis. Is this type of thing normal or am I fucked up? And should I see a therapist about it? Thanks for the help. Curious to hear your thoughts. Love you, ladies. Signed, anonymous. People are triggered. I can feel, can feel the collective energy two weeks from now.

• 1:10:31Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, listen, you've been together with somebody for 10 years, you know, like it sounds like you guys have a great relationship, but to our point very early on, that doesn't mean you no longer have like eyes and ears. And I don't know, everybody can have their own boundary. Like, do I think it's so crazy to masturbate about somebody? No. I mean, people watch porn and masturbate and you can fantasize about whatever you want. It's up to you how far you're gonna take this. You're saying like, I don't know that I would stop him if he made a move. I don't know that you're fucked up, but like, are you missing something in your relationship? Is this just fun? Are you just, are you missing something in your life? Are you just looking like? I cheated one time on a partner. That's the only time I've ever cheated on anybody. And something was, it actually, I just, I was looking for some like novelty in my life. It's not fair. It's just not. And I would never do it again. I was really young, but it didn't put

• 1:11:15Rayna Greenberg?

  the Band-Aid over what I was really looking for, which is I was sort of unfulfilled in my own life. I was a little unfulfilled in the relationship, but I was still very attracted to him and I wanted to be with him for a long time. It felt like it almost had nothing to do with him, but like, doing that didn't solve the problems that I was experiencing in my life, but I was sort of in this area where I was like, if he made a move, I wouldn't stop him and I wouldn't call myself totally fucked up, but it was maybe just a symptom of feeling unfulfilled either in my own life or in my relationship.

• 1:11:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. This is just so tricky because like, what are you, what's she supposed to do? She's supposed to not cheat on her husband. I've read this about my spouse. Crush me, by the way, you know, but like, what's the answer here? Like, I don't know. She's telling us she has a great marriage. The one thing that I did flag was working on having sex more frequently. So maybe she's a little dissatisfied, even just to say, working on something that I'm clearly not, it's not 10 out of 10. Would that change it? Like, she's doing a little much with this crush, with the masturbating. He's on your mind a lot. You want to see him more. Like, how far are you going to take this, sis? I mean, that's for you to decide. I don't know that a therapist could help, sure. Like, maybe figure out what's going on here. I'd need much more information

• 1:12:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  to diagnose it, but I don't know. I can only, I only have the information she's telling us. Like, after 10 years, I have not been in a 10-year relationship. I can't speak on it. So this is probably super normal, but when you are admitting to us and you're putting in writing, like, I might kiss this guy, then that's gonna snowball.

• 1:12:47Rayna Greenberg?

  If you really feel like you might cross the line, I might suggest, it sounds like so crass, but like, I might suggest stop masturbating to him.

• 1:12:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I agree.

• 1:12:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Psychologically, your, your mind actually doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality. And you're actually like spending more time with this person in your mind.

• 1:13:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, you're spending more time, yeah.

• 1:13:01Rayna Greenberg?

  And you're creating these scenarios in your brain that like, your brain says like, this person made me come a lot. And

• 1:13:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I, it's hard to be like, stop masturbating to this person. I mean, you're alone with your thoughts. You could do what you want, but like, I do think that Would help a little bit.

• 1:13:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and, and this is not to say that masturbating to someone other than your partner is wrong either. It's the frequency thing.

• 1:13:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, and also you're around this like, I understand you mean like, I might kiss him. Yeah, you're having orgasms to the thought of him.

• 1:13:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, she's like romanticizing him more in her, her, her mind, probably even idolizing someone he may not even really be in her own mind. Like literally has made him a fantasy.

• 1:13:37Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know, it's, it's hard. Again, you and I have never been in a 10 year long relationship. Like, is this just like a healthy way to keep your, yourself feeling a little bit alive, maybe?

• 1:13:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  If you really don't want to cheat on your partner and you really want to keep this marriage healthy and, and work on it. It's cut back on the stuff with this guy and tell yourself that that's not who you're supposed to be with or you'd be with him. Or explore issues you might have in your marriage. I mean, it could be part of a bigger problem. And again, like I even liked that she brought up seeing a therapist for sure. I think a therapist would, would help figure out what's going on.

• 1:14:12Rayna Greenberg?

  I think in a really, in a, a long-term relationship, we see somebody outside of the relationship and it's very easy to project magical qualities onto somebody that don't really exist. So like that guy, you don't feel monotony with him. You feel the, the thrill and the energy that we all want, that we all crave in the beginning of a relationship. You're never going to get that again with your husband. You've been with him for 10 years. So like, you might be projecting a lot of qualities onto this person that don't even exist. You're just like, you want him so bad for the thrill of it, but like, that might not even exist in this person. It would be different if she was like, I have feelings for this person.

• 1:14:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, she did say, I think in another life, I would date him.

• 1:14:47Rayna Greenberg?

  Sure, in another life, I, well, I think a lot of married people would date a lot of other married people. But like, in another life, would you be in love with him? Would this be a good partner? Is this, are you willing to blow up your marriage for this?

• 1:14:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and focus on your marriage. I mean, is, are things in your 10-year-long relationship, which is a long relationship that you can do to make it more exciting? I don't know what their sex life is like, aside from her wanting to have it more frequently, but she says she loves it every time they do. You know, is there stuff you can do in the bedroom? Is there some quality that this guy at work has that your husband doesn't? Like, what is it? Like, are you feeling kind of stagnant? I mean, like we talked about up top, you know? Is this kind of like you've gotten really comfortable and you're having takeout every night on the couch together, watching TV like, has your relationship gotten too routine and quote unquote boring where you can do something there? I just don't know what's going on. Like they might be like traveling and doing adventures every weekend and that's not the case at all.

• 1:15:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  But if it is kind of something that's not exciting, can you make it more exciting?

• 1:15:43Rayna Greenberg?

  So like if you're craving novelty,

• 1:15:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Can you create novelty in your relationship?

• 1:15:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Buy some costumes, buy some sex toys.

• 1:15:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, yeah. So we appreciate her writing in. We always appreciate you guys sharing with me. And this is like a judgment free space, but we're going to be honest with like our initial, our thoughts on it. And just in general, like fantasizing about people, I don't know. You said that someone asked like, I had a dream about somebody. Does this mean something's wrong with my relationship? I was like, grow up. Like I, I had a dream. I was dating someone a couple of weeks ago. I also had a dream. I fell off a cliff in a car. I have dreams. My teeth are falling out. I don't want these things to happen. I guess sure it could, but to me that has no correlation to your relationship. That you had a dream about someone else.

• 1:16:28Rayna Greenberg?

  People I think add a lot of weight to dreams. I just don't like, what is your subconscious really want? Well, I don't know. What does your conscious want? Like you could have a dream about your ex. You can have a dream about your boss. You have dreams about stuff to your point all the time that can't happen, wouldn't happen. And also like I have free will and I'm not an animal. So if I have a dream about somebody I used to sleep with and that turns me on, that's okay too. I don't have to text them when I wake up.

• 1:16:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 1:16:52Rayna Greenberg?

  It's fine.

• 1:16:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, exactly. It'll go away. You'll stop thinking about it. When you'll wake up, it'll feel fresh and then it just won't by the end of the day. You won't even remember that happened. But yeah, I mean masturbating to the thought of somebody else, like it's this interesting thing. Cause it's like, we can tell you, okay, you are masturbating to your crush once a week. I mean, I don't think I would recommend it because again, it's like you're having an orgasm, you're thinking about them. It's like you're spending time with them and someone could be like, what? You're going to tell me what I can think about? That's up for you to decide. I mean,

• 1:17:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. You wrote the email. Do I think it's so easy to stop masturbating to something fun and novelty? No.

• 1:17:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're like, I keep thinking about the barista when I'm masturbating and it's like, it feels weird for me to tell you to stop. But what is it doing psychologically? Like, our thoughts do manifest into actions.

• 1:17:44Rayna Greenberg?

  It creates more like limerence and just like hanging on to this thing.

• 1:17:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, you're creating more meaning to it. You're adding more meaning to it. And your brain doesn't realize the difference between those things. And so you're just like, now this person's just giving you orgasms.

• 1:17:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I wonder about the length of a crush. Because to me, when we really talk about harmless, it feels like it should be short-lived. Like,

• 1:18:05Rayna Greenberg?

  You don't think about it.

• 1:18:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, I don't know. I'm just like, do you have a crush on the barista for three years? Like, should you go to another coffee shop? Like, I'm saying, like, if it truly just stays in that harmless from afar, the relationship never progresses in three years, that's one thing. But having a crush for a long time, like, just maybe go to a different farmer's market. Get your pasta somewhere else.

• 1:18:29Rayna Greenberg?

  It's crazy to have a crush on somebody for three years. Like, just move on.

• 1:18:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  There'd be a point where I'm like, I don't have a crush on the farmer's market guy anymore. Have a crush on another guy at the farmer's market.

• 1:18:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, obviously.

• 1:18:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, I don't, the pasta guy's,

• 1:18:40Rayna Greenberg?

  New people cycling through.

• 1:18:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Pasta guy is so 2008.

• 1:18:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Old news.

• 1:18:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, it's the taco guy now.

• 1:18:47Rayna Greenberg?

  The fishmongers are usually pretty cute.

• 1:18:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, our fish guy's so weird.

• 1:18:51Rayna Greenberg?

  They're all weird.

• 1:18:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's an asshole.

• 1:18:52Rayna Greenberg?

  They're all weird and high as fuck, but.

• 1:18:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  There's one guy there, like, sells teas, never wearing shoes. And now he doesn't have a table anymore. He's sitting on the ground.

• 1:19:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's really evolved over time. Because he's never worn shoes and he's always like, come try the tea. I'm like, I'm okay, I'm a coffee girl. And then now, he doesn't have a table anymore. And I feel like, I feel like that's a choice. I feel like that's a choice. Because you think it costs extra? He has the space.

• 1:19:18Rayna Greenberg?

  He probably just doesn't, what? He rents the area and does not bring a table.

• 1:19:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's sitting on the ground.

• 1:19:23Rayna Greenberg?

  What are you saying to me?

• 1:19:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's sitting on the ground barefoot.

• 1:19:25Rayna Greenberg?

  He's like, energetically, I just don't believe in tables right now.

• 1:19:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's sitting on the ground barefoot, barking to people as they go by. The fish guy, so he had these salmon.

• 1:19:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Barking.

• 1:19:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, like, barking, like, in the comedy. Free show tonight, free show tonight, free tea, free tea. The fish guy, he had these salmon patties for like,

• 1:19:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like three or four weeks in a row. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. His salmon has two bones in it. Like I started to stop getting his actual salmon filets. These patties were the best thing I've ever tasted. So then he stopped selling them and I would go every week and be like, do you have the patties? And he was like, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes. Like, I'm so stupid for asking. Hey, do you have the patties this week? No.

• 1:20:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my bad. I bought him the last three. So I just assumed I could ask if you were selling a product. Like not, Raina, he could say, oh my, I'm so sorry. Those were like a limited, a limited time.

• 1:20:22Rayna Greenberg?

  Ran out totally.

• 1:20:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  And so finally, one time I was like, Shashank, can you go ask if he has the salmon patties?

• 1:20:27Rayna Greenberg?

  You talk as your woman he was talking to?

• 1:20:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, I just was like, I can't have him be mean to me again. Cause he's not giving me any more information.

• 1:20:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Salmon patty girl again.

• 1:20:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, I think he's like, buy a filet, you cheap bitch.

• 1:20:41Rayna Greenberg?

  So it's just the minced up trash.

• 1:20:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Shashank goes over there and he comes back and I was like, what? I was like, did he dunk on you too? He was like, absolutely.

• 1:20:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, good. I was worried he gave you some salmon patties.

• 1:20:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 1:20:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  So we just finally stopped even going over there. But what if they're in there? I can't ask every, I can't just ask every week.

• 1:21:00Rayna Greenberg?

  No, you can't. I can't wait in the line at the Brentwood Farmer's Market because he takes three hours with every customer and he's just talking and I'm white knuckling it and he's so high. And I just, I can't wait this long for my scallops, my overpriced scallops.

• 1:21:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's so, we go every Saturday. It's one of my favorite parts of the week. It's so crazy. Like the stories Shashank and I make up about these people. They are characters in our life. Like, and the bands and the singer, like there's live music every week. Like, I just feel like this is such a fun part of our relationship is like these characters in our life every week. And like, what are they up to?

• 1:21:33Rayna Greenberg?

  You didn't talk about the tea guy. That's hilarious.

• 1:21:39Rayna Greenberg?

  What happened to the table? How much does a table cost?

• 1:21:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's sitting on like a pillow. Raina, like bohemian people, they don't have furniture. They live in a loft with like pillows on the floor.

• 1:21:50Rayna Greenberg?

  If they don't live in a parking lot, like they go sell them.

• 1:21:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's like dusty.

• 1:21:54Rayna Greenberg?

  So if you want, if you want tea, you have to reach to the ground.

• 1:21:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Isn't that crazy?

• 1:21:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you have to get on the ground?

• 1:21:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  He probably wants you to get on the ground.

• 1:22:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Hand it up to you.

• 1:22:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. Like, is he gonna stand when you approach?

• 1:22:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Is he playing music?

• 1:22:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, you can't really, it would be weird if people played music because there's live music.

• 1:22:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Weirder than not having a table.

• 1:22:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm gonna get more afraid. I'm gonna take a picture. Guys, watch YouTube.

• 1:22:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  All right. Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this topic. Again, thank you as always for weighing in and sharing with us and being open and vulnerable. And I think we think we covered it. You know, what constitutes as harmless and what doesn't?

• 1:22:33Rayna Greenberg?

  And as always, we have the most people responding to our polls than any other podcasts. We're the best in the whole world. So we have the best audience in the world. So thank you, guys.

• 1:22:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So thank you, guys. girlsgottaeat.com. But not much going on over there. So you can skip that one. Hit rainagreenberg.com starting on the 14th for the tickets.

• 1:22:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Today, you can look what the

• 1:22:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  You can peruse.

• 1:22:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  You can see where you want to go.

• 1:22:55Rayna Greenberg?

  You can shop.

• 1:22:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  You can load up the cart. Window shop a little bit and then get your tickets on the 14th. You can watch my special worldwide on YouTube and on Prime Video just in the US. And if you want to get all those links, if you can't seem to find them, I am Ash Hess on Instagram and check out my link tree. Raina is Rayna Greenberg on Instagram. And you guys can watch full video on Spotify and YouTube. Leave a comment. Weigh in. Let us know what you're thinking and subscribe. Share this episode with a friend and we will see you Thursday.

• 1:23:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Have a good week, guys.

• 1:23:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Bye.

• 1:23:51Speaker 02

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